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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 715


                              "IT'S CHRISTMAS IN CANADA"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Kyle's house, night. "Happy Chanukah" The Broflovski family 
               sings as Gerald lights the first candle on the Chanukah menorah]
 
               
                                     THE BROFLOVSKIS
                         Chanukah, Chanukah, sivivon, sov, sov
 
                         
                                     IKE
                         I gotta go tinkle.

                                     KYLE
                         No Ike! Shh!

                                     THE BROFLOVSKIS
                          Sov, sov, sov! Sov, sov, sov! Ma nayim 
                         vi-tov.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         We thank God for our blessings this 
                         Chanukah. Our little family is so loving, 
                         and perfect, and nothing will ever tear 
                         us apart.  I'll get it. 
 
                                     MAN
                         Gerald Broflovski?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yes?

                                     MAN
                         My name is Harry Gints and this is my 
                         wife Elise. We're from Canada.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yes, I can tell.

                                     HARRY
                         My wife and I had a child a few years 
                         back, and, we weren't ready to have 
                         a child, so we put him up for adoption. 
                          We were told that you might be the-
 
                         
                                     ELISE
                         Peter!  Oh God, Harry! It's our son! 
                          Peter, it's Mommy.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Gerald, what the hell is going on?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I I'm not sure.

               [Moments later, both couples are at the dining room table]

                                     HARRY
                         It was a tough time for us. It was a 
                         tough time for all of Canada. The whole 
                         country was devastated by the cola wars. 
                         It just seemed we couldn't take care 
                         of a baby.
 
                                     ELISE
                         So we put him up for adoption. But as 
                         the years passed, I, I just felt an 
                         emptiness in my heart.  Oh it's so good 
                         to see him.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well we wish you all the best, Mr. and 
                         Mrs. Gints, but to be honest, I think 
                         it would be best for Ike if you didn't 
                         come around again.
 
                                     ELISE
                         I don't think you understand. We didn't 
                         come to visit Peter, we came to take 
                         him back.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What?

                                     HARRY
                         We want to take Peter home, to Canada.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Are you crazy?!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Look, you gave Ike up. You can't just 
                         change your mind.
 
                                     HARRY
                         Changing your mind is a Canadian custom 
                         that we hold quite dear. And besides, 
                         the new Canadian Prime Minister has 
                         issued a decree that all adopted Canadians 
                         must be returned home.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         The new Canadian Prime Minister?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Look, Ike is our son now!

                                     HARRY
                         He doesn't belong here. He belongs in 
                         Canada with his own kind.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I think you'd better leave.

                                     HARRY
                         Please, don't make things any harder 
                         for Peter.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Harder for Peter?! Now you two just 
                         blow in here and say you're gonna haul 
                         him back to Canada, and we're being 
                         hard on Peter?!
 
                                     HARRY
                         We're prepared to go to court! We had 
                         hoped it wouldn't come to that!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well you bet your ass it'll come to 
                         that!
 
               [Park County courtroom, day]

                                     JUDGE
                         I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. 
                         The new Prime Minister of Canada has 
                         authority this court cannot override. 
                         By Canadian law I must award custody 
                         of the child to his birth parents.
 
                         
                                     THE GINTSES
                         Yes!

                                     ELISE
                         Yes!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No!

                                     KYLE
                          Ike's not my little brother anymore?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Gerald, do something!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         There's nothing I can do.

               [Kyle's house, day. Sheila cries as Gerald sends Ike off]

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Good-bye, Ike. You...  be a good bye, 
                         huh? You... remember all the things 
                         we taught you. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ike, you'll always be my little brother, 
                         okay?
 
                                     HARRY
                         Come on, Peter, we should get going.
 
                         
                                     IKE
                          No!

                                     ELISE
                         Peter, you must come with Mommy and 
                         Daddy.
 
                                     IKE
                         No no no no no!

                                     HARRY
                          I have some chocolate.

                                     IKE
                         Chocolate! 

                                     HARRY
                         We're going to take good care of him.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You'd better!  Dad, can't we talk to 
                         this new Canadian Prime Minister? Iif 
                         he knew the situation, he might e-
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh! Kyle, appealing to the Prime Minister 
                         of Canada would take... time and money 
                         we don't have.
 
               [Luau's Toys, night. It's dressed for Christmas. Stan, Cartman, 
               and Kenny look inside the shop through the window]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, look at that. Sprinkle Time Make 
                         Your Own Marshmallow Factory. I'm definitely 
                         asking for that for Christmas.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I'm gonna tell my parents to get 
                         me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop 
                         action.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Guys.  Guys, I need your help.

                                     STAN
                         Sure dude.

                                     KYLE
                         It's been a week since Ike's been gone, 
                         and every day my parents seem worse. 
                         I have to try to go to Canada and speak 
                         with the new Canadian Prime Minister, 
                         but I can't do it alone.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We can't go to Canada, dumbass! It's 
                         Christmas!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude. What if we miss out on some 
                         great Christmas adventure?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Please, you guys, you don't understand. 
                          My family is devastated. My mom just 
                         walks around the house like a zombie, 
                         and my dad can't stop crying.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I didn't wanna say anything, Kyle, 
                         but I think this is what your family 
                         gets for being Jewish at Christmastime.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm just saying, maybe Jesus is having 
                         a little revenge, that's all.
 
                                     KYLE
                          I found the number for a really cheap 
                         airline to Canada. If we go as soon 
                         as possible, then-
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada. 
                         Look, they're about to light the Christmas 
                         tree. Maybe you can get your brother 
                         back some other way. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, I just want you to know, if it 
                         were any other time of the year, I still 
                         wouldn't help you. 
 
               [South Park City Hall, night. The town Christmas tree is up, 
               City Hall is decked out in Christmas decorations.]
 
                                     CROWD
                         Three! Two! One!  Yaaaaay!

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         As we celebrate this glorious time, 
                         we can't forget those families who are 
                         suffering. As many of you know, the 
                         Broflovski family has recently had their 
                         child torn away from them. As a community, 
                         we must do all we can to ease their 
                         pain. Are there any suggestions how 
                         we might help?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans? 
                         
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest 
                         we get rid of all the Mexicans, and 
                         every Christmas we tell you "NO!"
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Rats!

                                     CHEF
                         The Broflovskis need money to appeal 
                         that case to the new Canadian Prime 
                         Minister. What if this Christmas, instead 
                         of buyin' presents, we all use that 
                         money to give to the Broflovskis?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         HA! Yeah, right! Like our parents aren't 
                         gonna buy us presents for Christmas!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         That's a great idea, Chef.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. Who needs more stuff, anyway? 
                         This Christmas we can do somethin' that 
                         really matters!
 
                                     STAN
                          Dad, don't get carried away.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Then it's settled: This year we'll give 
                         all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis, 
                         in hopes that they may someday have 
                         their child returned to them. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No! No, this can't be happening! 

               [Kyle walks down the street still depressed. Cartman bounds in 
               before him]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You fucking asshole!! This is all your 
                         fault!!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Everyone's gonna be charitable and give 
                         money to your family instead of buying 
                         Christmas presents!!  You fucking Jews 
                         ruined Christmas again!!  AAAAAA!! 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Whoa whoa, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         It wasn't enough for you people to kill 
                         Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas 
                         too, huh?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, calm down!

                                     KYLE
                          Is that true?

                                     STAN
                         It's true, dude. Christmas is ruined.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          This is it, Kyle. You and me. We're 
                         throwin' down. Right now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm sorry you guys, but there is something 
                         we can do. We can go to Canada and see 
                         the Prime Minister like I said. If we 
                         can change his mind before Christmas, 
                         then your parents won't have to give 
                         my family money.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You really think if we go to Canada 
                         we might still get Christmas presents?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, 
                         we can do this.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh all right, but we'd better not miss 
                         out on great Christmas adventures.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          We'll get back in time for a Christmas 
                         adventure.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine. But if it doesn't work, you and 
                         me are gonna have it out, Kyle. Once 
                         and for all.
 
                                     MR. KIM
                         No business... Christmastime come anda 
                         nobody wanna eata Chinese food. Looks 
                         like I might as well close.  Oh boy! 
                         Some business!  Finally!  Herro? Shitty 
                         Wok, take ur orda prease!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh, I must have the wrong number. We 
                         were trying to reach City Airlines.
 
                         
                                     MR. KIM
                         Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease.  Herro, 
                         Shitty Airrines. Can I help you take 
                         ur orda prease?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon 
                         as possible.
 
                                     MR. KIM
                         Oooh, Canada. Okay, that's uh pretty 
                         far. Gonna cost ya a rot of money... 
                         hmlet's she. How many people?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Four.

                                     MR. KIM
                         Okay. Four people, Canada, cost a rot 
                         of money, that uh gonna be about ah 
                         six thousand five hundred daura.
 
                                     KYLE
                         How about fifty daura?

                                     MR. KIM
                         Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost 
                         at reast three thousand daura!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Fifty-five daura.

                                     MR. KIM
                         Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five 
                         daura! No way I take my plane to Canada 
                         for less than a thousand daura!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay. Sixty daura.

                                     MR. KIM
                         Sixty-two daura.

                                     KYLE
                         Okay.

                                     MR. KIM
                         Okay. Meet me Park County Airfield, 
                         yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Got it. 

                                     MR. KIM
                          Hehehehe, never try to barter with 
                         a Chinese man.
 
               [Park County Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing 
               in the background as the boys approach the yellow Cessna]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We have exactly fifty-two hours before 
                         Christmas.  That means we have to be 
                         back in twenty-eight hours to still 
                         give our patents twenty-four hours to 
                         buy us presents. Synchronize watches 
                         on my mark. Mark.
 
                                     MR. KIM
                         Herro, welcome Shitty Airrine. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying 
                         in that thing!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Me neither!)

                                     KYLE
                         Why not?

                                     KENNY
                         ('Cause, dude, I'll fuckin' die!)

                                     KYLE
                         You're not gonna die, Kenny. Don't be 
                         stupid.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys go get Ike. Kenny and I will 
                         stay here and watch the fort.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, you're both coming. Do you care 
                         about Christmas or not?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Of course I care about Christmas- Doh, 
                         Christ on a stick! 
 
               [Cessna 432G, inside]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw dude, it smells like Kung Pao chicken 
                         in here!
 
                                     MR. KIM
                         Okay, welcome aboard Shitty Airrines. 
                         This is your captain speaking. Rooking 
                         about a two hour fright. I'll be turning 
                         on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats 
                         have seatbelts, this is the time you 
                         will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, 
                         and enjoy your Shitty fright. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right! We're going to Canada!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

               [Cessna 432G, day. The flight has taken longer than two hours. 
               The boys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr. Kim. The 
               plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power]
 
                                     MR. KIM
                         Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         What's going on??

                                     MR. KIM
                         Herro from the cockpit, this is your 
                         captain speaking. As you can see, it 
                         appears that we are goin' down. Now 
                         would be a good time to refrect on your 
                         rife, and pray to whatever deity you 
                         bereive in. Thank you for flying Shitty 
                         Airlines. We know you have a choice 
                         in airlines, and it looks like you made 
                         the wrong one. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, where the hell are you going?? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Do something, Kyle! 

                                     KYLE
                         I'm trying! 

                                     STAN
                         Look out!

                                     KENNY
                         (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!) 

               [Now begins the "Wizard of Oz" sequence. The boys look around 
               in wonder. A pair of legs is seen at a bench, but no head is 
               shown]
 
                                     STAN
                         You guys, I don't think we're in America 
                         anymore. 
 
                                     CANADIAN MAN
                         Eh-xcuse me?  Uh, is this an invasion?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No.

                                     CANADIAN MAN
                          Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, 
                         it's not an invasion! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! We're in Canada!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Well of course you are! And Canada Friends 
                         welcomes you!
 
                                     CANADIANS
                         Welcome, friend, to Canada! Canada Friends 
                         loves you!
 
               We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!

                                     SAILOR
                          We greet thee with pleasure, but one 
                         question, if we may?
 
                                     BUSINESSMAN
                          What brings you folks to Canada? Why 
                         are you here today?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh. My adopted brother got taken back 
                         here to Canada? So, we want to talk 
                         to the new Canadian Prime Minister about 
                         getting him back?
 
                                     CANADIANS
                         His brother is our quest. The question 
                         is, is what? You must talk to the new 
                         Prime Minister if you think his brother's 
                         home's back there.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh Jesus Christ.

                                     SCOTT
                          Hey! What the hell is going on?!

                                     CANADIANS
                         It's Scott! AAAAHHHH! 

                                     SCOTT
                         Who damaged our beloved Canadian land?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Who's that?

                                     DOCTOR
                         That's Scott! He's a dick!

                                     SCOTT
                          A-ha! Americans! I should've known! 
                         You think you're the police of the world! 
                         You think you own Canada! Well, you 
                         aren't welcome here! Get out now!
 
                         
                                     DOCTOR
                         Oh no you don't, Scott! Leave these 
                         boys alone!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         This isn't over, you American scum! 
                         I swear to God: you'll rue this day!! 
                         
 
                                     MAN IN BARREL
                         God, what a dick!

                                     KYLE
                         Look, we don't have a lot of time here, 
                         okay? Can you just tell us where the 
                         new Prime Minister is?
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         The new Prime Minister doesn't live 
                         in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         So how do we get to Ottawa?

                                     WRESTLER
                         Oh that's easy. You just have to follow 
                         the road.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Which road?!

                                     FIREFIGHTER
                         This is Canada. We only have one road. 
                         
 
                                     PRIEST
                         Follow the only road.

                                     MAN
                         Follow the only road.

                                     CANADIANS
                         To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow 
                         the only road.
 
               There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only 
               road.
 
               Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.

                                     ROAD WORKERS
                         And it's paved and wide and up to code.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         All right dude, let's get the hell out 
                         of here!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Word!

                                     CANADIANS
                         You're off to see the Prime Minister, 
                         the Prime Minister of Canada!
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the 
                         new Prime Minister! And remember to 
                         watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
 
                         
                                     CANADIANS
                         Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck.
 
                         
               [The Road, day.]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Twenty hours until Christmas. Our parents 
                         still have time to buy us presents IF 
                         we hurry. 
 
                                     MOUNTIE
                         Ahoy there, travelers.

                                     KYLE
                         Who are you?

                                     MOUNTIE
                         I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie. 
                         
 
                                     SHEEP
                         Baaaah.

                                     STAN
                         I thought mounties were supposed to 
                         ride horses.
 
                                     RICK
                          Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has 
                         been cut and now we're forced to ride...
 
                         
                                     SHEEP
                         Baaaah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But if you don't mind, we're in a rush 
                         to see the new Prime Minister.
 
                                     RICK
                         You're going to see the new Prime Minister. 
                         Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. 
                         It's his strange new laws that took 
                         our horses away. Perhaps I will go with 
                         you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's okay, we'd rather just go by 
                         ourselves.
 
                                     RICK
                         Follow me this way! We're going to see 
                         the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister 
                         of Canada!
 
                                     SCOTT
                          Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you!
 
                         
               [Further down the Road, Rick and the boys pass through another 
               town]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running 
                         out of time!
 
                                     RICK
                         All right boys, prepare yourselves. 
                         We're about to enter... French Canada.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         French Canada?

                                     FRENCH CANADIANS
                         

               There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in 
               ze land.
 
               Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, 
               you'd understand.
 
                                     MIME
                         Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French 
                         Canada.
 
                                     HOCKEY PLAYER
                         We have everyzing your heart could desire. 
                         Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and 
                         lots of cheese.
 
                                     ARTIST
                          Would you like a moustache?

                                     RICK
                         Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians 
                         are a little... odd. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Ah, we're just passing through to see 
                         the new Prime Minister.
 
                                     MIME
                         Well first you must answer that phone. 
                          Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We don't have time for this.

                                     MIME
                         You cannot pass through French Canada 
                         unless you take zat phone call!  Ring-ring. 
                         Ring-ring. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hello?

                                     MIME
                         Allo. If you are going to see za new 
                         Prime Minister, then I want to go with 
                         you. He has passed a new law forbidding 
                         us French Canadians to drink wine.
 
                         
                                     ARTIST
                          How can ze French not drink wine?? 
                         Travestie!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, you can come with us.

                                     MIME
                         Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make 
                         haste!
 
                                     FRENCH CANADIANS
                         

               There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in 
               ze land.
 
               And ze ozer Canada.

                                     MIME
                         Is a bullshit Canada

                                     FRENCH CANADIANS
                         If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. 
                         
 
                                     MIME
                         I think you'd understand. ...You understand.
 
                         
               [Newfoundland. The group arrives at a dark place.]

                                     RICK
                         Oh my! This certainly is a desolate 
                         place!
 
                                     MIME
                         It reminds me of death and fear.

                                     CARTMAN
                         How much further to Ottawa! Christmas 
                         is only twelve hours away.
 
                                     RICK
                         We must be very close now.

                                     SCOTT
                          Ey! What are you doing?!

                                     RICK
                         Waaaah!

                                     MIME
                         Oh no. It's Scott.

                                     RICK
                         What are you two doing helping these 
                         Americans?! Don't you know America thinks 
                         it owns Canada along with the rest of 
                         the world?!
 
                                     MIME
                         You're a dick, Scott!

                                     SCOTT
                         You're a dick! And by helping Americans, 
                         you're just as smelly as they are! Now 
                         I'm going to get you!
 
                                     FISHERMAN
                          Not a-hire, Scott!

                                     SCOTT
                         Who the hell are you?!

                                     FISHERMAN
                         I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you'er 
                         on Newfoundland property now! Get off 
                         before I have you arrested!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long 
                         shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of 
                         you!! 
 
                                     RICK
                         Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, 
                         kind Newfie!
 
                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit, we need to get to the new 
                         Prime Minister! NOW!
 
                                     STEVE
                         Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He 
                         sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. 
                         Life just hasn't been the same since 
                         he made sodomy illegal.
 
                                     MIME
                         Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask 
                         him to take his sodomy ban away.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Can we just get going, please?

                                     STEVE
                         Yeah, sure, except there's just one 
                         problem.
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     STEVE
                         You folks are goin' the wrong way.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What?? But I thought there was one road 
                         in Canada.
 
                                     STEVE
                         Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction 
                         on it.
 
                                     RICK
                         Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way. 
                         
 
                                     MIME
                         Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland 
                         right!
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh no!

                                     CARTMAN
                          How could you be so stupid!

                                     KYLE
                         There's no way we can go all the way 
                         back. We'll never make it now!
 
                                     RICK
                         It's okay, boys. The power is inside 
                         us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves 
                         there!
 
                                     MIME
                         Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there. 
                         
 
                                     RICK
                          Is it working?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, God-damnit! Well I warned you Kyle! 
                         I told you if I missed Christmas we 
                         were gonna throw down!  Well it's on! 
                         We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW! 
 
                         
                                     STEVE
                          Of course, we could always take my 
                         boat, eh?
 
                                     RICK
                         Oh yes! On the river we could travel 
                         to Ottawa in no time!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well come on! 

                                     STEVE
                         Okay, next stop, the new Prime Minister. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you think we can still make it in 
                         time?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We'd better, Kyle. Or you're dead.
 
                         
               [The Parliament building, dawn. Steve and the rest of the party 
               pull up to the small dock at one end of the grounds]
 
                                     STEVE
                         Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
 
                         
                                     MIME
                         Ze Prime Minister is inside.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost 
                         Christmas! 
 
               [The Parliament building, entrance. Kyle knocks on the heavy 
               wooden doors. A wooden panel opens up to reveal a window. A doorman 
               looks out through it]
 
                                     DOORMAN
                         Yes?

                                     KYLE
                         We need to see the new Prime Minister.
 
                         
                                     DOORMAN
                         Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister 
                         isn't seeing anybody! 
 
                                     MIME
                         Oh well, zo much for zat. 

                                     STEVE
                         Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best 
                         wasn't good enough, eh? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         No. No!! 

                                     DOORMAN
                          Yes?

                                     KYLE
                         Please, sir. I traveled a long way to 
                         get here. He's the only person who can 
                         help me.
 
                                     DOORMAN
                          The Prime Minister isn't here. He's 
                         in China on official business. So you 
                         might as well go home. Good-bye!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Then that's it. I'm... I'm never going 
                         to get my brother back. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And... I'm not going to get any Christmas 
                         presents. 
 
                                     STAN
                         And... I'm not gonna have a Christmas 
                         adventure. 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (And I'm not gonna have a ...) 

                                     DOORMAN
                          Oh please! Please stop crying.

                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm gonna kill you, Kyle.

                                     DOORMAN
                         All right all right, I was lying. The 
                         Prime Minister IS here.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Really? 

                                     DOORMAN
                         Yes yes. Come in. 

               [The Parliament building, inside. The group walks down a long 
               hallway and approach a large sanctum with three fire pits. Two 
               small ones burn before and on each side of the huge one, which 
               sits at the center and has a holograph of the Prime Minister 
               hovering over it]
 
                                     PRIME MINISTER
                         I am the Prime Minister of Canada. What 
                         do you guys want?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Sir, you recently passed a new law 
                         allowing parents who have given their 
                         children up for adoption to change their 
                         minds. My little brother was-
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Not so fast! 

                                     KYLE
                         Ike!

                                     IKE
                         Kyle!

                                     SCOTT
                         Prime Minister, these are the child's 
                         Canadian parents! Their Canadian blood 
                         pumps through his veins! Would you send 
                         him back to America with those world-hungry 
                         scum?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Please, sir. I came because I don't 
                         think Ike belongs here. Family isn't 
                         about whose blood you have in you, family 
                         is about the people who cared about 
                         you and took care of you. We're not 
                         the same blood, but I love my little 
                         brother. We've taken care of him because 
                         he needed us to, and that makes us more 
                         family than anything. 
 
                                     PRIME MINISTER
                         That is a great speech, guy. But the 
                         answer is no! All of my new laws will 
                         stay in effect forever!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Haha, you lose, Americans!

                                     RICK
                         Then, I suppose us mounties will never 
                         get our horses.
 
                                     MIME
                         And we won't get our wine.

                                     STEVE
                         And we can't perform sodomy, eh?

                                     KYLE
                         But why are you making such strange 
                         laws??
 
                                     PRIME MINISTER
                         I SAID GO! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Gah!)

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                          You... bastards!  Wha, what the hell 
                         is wrong with you?? What kind of Prime 
                         Minister bases his decisions on hatred? 
                          And, and takes away mounties' horses? 
                          And French people's wine? What the 
                         hell kind of Prime Minister are you, 
                         anyway?!
 
                                     PRIME MINISTER
                         I am the Prime Minister of Canada.  
                         I can do whatever I-  Uh oh. Uh, don't 
                         mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, 
                         he's just my friend.
 
                                     KYLE
                          What the hell??

                                     RICK
                         Hey, that looks like Saddam Hussein!
 
                         
                                     SADDAM HUSSEIN
                         Saddam Hussein?? Naw, relax, baby. I'm 
                         not him.
 
                                     MIME
                         Zat explains everything! Za new Prime 
                         Minister was Saddam Hussein, once again 
                         trying to take over our beloved Canada 
                         like he did before.
 
                                     SOLDIER 1
                         Saddam Hussein?

                                     SOLDIER 2
                         He was fooling us?

                                     BUSINESSMAN
                         Get him! 

                                     SADDAM HUSSEIN
                         Ahh, don't shoot. I want to negotiate. 
                         Hey, relax!  Gah!
 
                                     RICK
                         Wait a minute. This means all the Prime 
                         Minister's new laws are null and void. 
                         We can have our horses back!
 
                                     MIME
                         And we can drink our wine.

                                     STEVE
                         And I can sodomize me boys again

                                     HARRY
                          Young man, you... must really care 
                         for Peter to have come all this way.
 
                         
                                     ELISE
                         Perhaps we were wrong to try and take 
                         Peter back. He doesn't belong here. 
                         He belongs with his family.
 
                                     HARRY
                          Peter, would you like to go back to 
                         your home in Colorado? 
 
                                     STAN
                         What is that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's Christmas. We officially missed 
                         it. It's Christmas Day and ... I'm in 
                         Canada.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wull yeah, but ah-I got my brother back.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! You got your brother back, but 
                         I didn't get any presents!  And what 
                         did I tell you, Kyle?!  I told you that 
                         if we didn't make it back in time for 
                         Christmas I was gonna whup your ass, 
                         didn't I?! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, come on.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker! 
                         That's right! You and me! Right now! 
                          We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come 
                         on! Come on!!  Mooooooom! Moooooooom!
 
                         
                                     RICK
                         Ey, come on, boys! You can spend Christmas 
                         with us, Canada style!
 
               [Ottawa, day. A Christmas parade goes by and the crowds cheer 
               and throw confetti. Saddam is paraded on his own float, with 
               huge candy canes around him]
 
                                     CANADIANS
                         Ding dong, they caught Saddam! Merry 
                         Christmas to the world!
 
               Ding dong, the Americans caught Saddam!

               [Santa's sleigh passes by and the boys are hoisted into it]
 
               
               Now Canada is free for you and you and me

               It's the best Christmas presents we ever got

               Canadian Christmas, it's the best! We drink and dance and show 
               our breasts!
 
               Let's celebrate! Saddam Hussein's been caught!

                                     STAN
                          Oh well. Maybe we'll get to have a 
                         Christmas adventure next year. 
 
               THE END

It's Christmas In Canada



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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