"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 715
"IT'S CHRISTMAS IN CANADA"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Kyle's house, night. "Happy Chanukah" The Broflovski family
sings as Gerald lights the first candle on the Chanukah menorah]
THE BROFLOVSKIS
Chanukah, Chanukah, sivivon, sov, sov
IKE
I gotta go tinkle.
KYLE
No Ike! Shh!
THE BROFLOVSKIS
Sov, sov, sov! Sov, sov, sov! Ma nayim
vi-tov.
KYLE'S FATHER
We thank God for our blessings this
Chanukah. Our little family is so loving,
and perfect, and nothing will ever tear
us apart. I'll get it.
MAN
Gerald Broflovski?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yes?
MAN
My name is Harry Gints and this is my
wife Elise. We're from Canada.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yes, I can tell.
HARRY
My wife and I had a child a few years
back, and, we weren't ready to have
a child, so we put him up for adoption.
We were told that you might be the-
ELISE
Peter! Oh God, Harry! It's our son!
Peter, it's Mommy.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald, what the hell is going on?
KYLE'S FATHER
I I'm not sure.
[Moments later, both couples are at the dining room table]
HARRY
It was a tough time for us. It was a
tough time for all of Canada. The whole
country was devastated by the cola wars.
It just seemed we couldn't take care
of a baby.
ELISE
So we put him up for adoption. But as
the years passed, I, I just felt an
emptiness in my heart. Oh it's so good
to see him.
KYLE'S FATHER
Well we wish you all the best, Mr. and
Mrs. Gints, but to be honest, I think
it would be best for Ike if you didn't
come around again.
ELISE
I don't think you understand. We didn't
come to visit Peter, we came to take
him back.
KYLE'S FATHER
What?
HARRY
We want to take Peter home, to Canada.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Are you crazy?!
KYLE'S FATHER
Look, you gave Ike up. You can't just
change your mind.
HARRY
Changing your mind is a Canadian custom
that we hold quite dear. And besides,
the new Canadian Prime Minister has
issued a decree that all adopted Canadians
must be returned home.
KYLE'S MOTHER
The new Canadian Prime Minister?
KYLE'S FATHER
Look, Ike is our son now!
HARRY
He doesn't belong here. He belongs in
Canada with his own kind.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I think you'd better leave.
HARRY
Please, don't make things any harder
for Peter.
KYLE'S FATHER
Harder for Peter?! Now you two just
blow in here and say you're gonna haul
him back to Canada, and we're being
hard on Peter?!
HARRY
We're prepared to go to court! We had
hoped it wouldn't come to that!
KYLE'S FATHER
Well you bet your ass it'll come to
that!
[Park County courtroom, day]
JUDGE
I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied.
The new Prime Minister of Canada has
authority this court cannot override.
By Canadian law I must award custody
of the child to his birth parents.
THE GINTSES
Yes!
ELISE
Yes!
KYLE'S MOTHER
No!
KYLE
Ike's not my little brother anymore?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald, do something!
KYLE'S FATHER
There's nothing I can do.
[Kyle's house, day. Sheila cries as Gerald sends Ike off]
KYLE'S FATHER
Good-bye, Ike. You... be a good bye,
huh? You... remember all the things
we taught you.
KYLE
Ike, you'll always be my little brother,
okay?
HARRY
Come on, Peter, we should get going.
IKE
No!
ELISE
Peter, you must come with Mommy and
Daddy.
IKE
No no no no no!
HARRY
I have some chocolate.
IKE
Chocolate!
HARRY
We're going to take good care of him.
KYLE
You'd better! Dad, can't we talk to
this new Canadian Prime Minister? Iif
he knew the situation, he might e-
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh! Kyle, appealing to the Prime Minister
of Canada would take... time and money
we don't have.
[Luau's Toys, night. It's dressed for Christmas. Stan, Cartman,
and Kenny look inside the shop through the window]
CARTMAN
Dude, look at that. Sprinkle Time Make
Your Own Marshmallow Factory. I'm definitely
asking for that for Christmas.
STAN
Dude, I'm gonna tell my parents to get
me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop
action.
KYLE
Guys. Guys, I need your help.
STAN
Sure dude.
KYLE
It's been a week since Ike's been gone,
and every day my parents seem worse.
I have to try to go to Canada and speak
with the new Canadian Prime Minister,
but I can't do it alone.
CARTMAN
We can't go to Canada, dumbass! It's
Christmas!
STAN
Yeah, dude. What if we miss out on some
great Christmas adventure?
KYLE
Please, you guys, you don't understand.
My family is devastated. My mom just
walks around the house like a zombie,
and my dad can't stop crying.
CARTMAN
Well, I didn't wanna say anything, Kyle,
but I think this is what your family
gets for being Jewish at Christmastime.
STAN
Dude, Cartman.
CARTMAN
I'm just saying, maybe Jesus is having
a little revenge, that's all.
KYLE
I found the number for a really cheap
airline to Canada. If we go as soon
as possible, then-
STAN
Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada.
Look, they're about to light the Christmas
tree. Maybe you can get your brother
back some other way.
CARTMAN
Kyle, I just want you to know, if it
were any other time of the year, I still
wouldn't help you.
[South Park City Hall, night. The town Christmas tree is up,
City Hall is decked out in Christmas decorations.]
CROWD
Three! Two! One! Yaaaaay!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
As we celebrate this glorious time,
we can't forget those families who are
suffering. As many of you know, the
Broflovski family has recently had their
child torn away from them. As a community,
we must do all we can to ease their
pain. Are there any suggestions how
we might help?
MR. GARRISON
How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans?
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest
we get rid of all the Mexicans, and
every Christmas we tell you "NO!"
MR. GARRISON
Rats!
CHEF
The Broflovskis need money to appeal
that case to the new Canadian Prime
Minister. What if this Christmas, instead
of buyin' presents, we all use that
money to give to the Broflovskis?
CARTMAN
HA! Yeah, right! Like our parents aren't
gonna buy us presents for Christmas!
LIANE
That's a great idea, Chef.
CARTMAN
What?
RANDY
Yeah. Who needs more stuff, anyway?
This Christmas we can do somethin' that
really matters!
STAN
Dad, don't get carried away.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Then it's settled: This year we'll give
all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis,
in hopes that they may someday have
their child returned to them.
CARTMAN
No! No, this can't be happening!
[Kyle walks down the street still depressed. Cartman bounds in
before him]
CARTMAN
You fucking asshole!! This is all your
fault!!
KYLE
What?
CARTMAN
Everyone's gonna be charitable and give
money to your family instead of buying
Christmas presents!! You fucking Jews
ruined Christmas again!! AAAAAA!!
STAN
Whoa whoa, Cartman.
CARTMAN
It wasn't enough for you people to kill
Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas
too, huh?!
STAN
Cartman, calm down!
KYLE
Is that true?
STAN
It's true, dude. Christmas is ruined.
CARTMAN
This is it, Kyle. You and me. We're
throwin' down. Right now.
KYLE
I'm sorry you guys, but there is something
we can do. We can go to Canada and see
the Prime Minister like I said. If we
can change his mind before Christmas,
then your parents won't have to give
my family money.
CARTMAN
You really think if we go to Canada
we might still get Christmas presents?
KYLE
It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys,
we can do this.
STAN
Oh all right, but we'd better not miss
out on great Christmas adventures.
KYLE
We'll get back in time for a Christmas
adventure.
CARTMAN
Fine. But if it doesn't work, you and
me are gonna have it out, Kyle. Once
and for all.
MR. KIM
No business... Christmastime come anda
nobody wanna eata Chinese food. Looks
like I might as well close. Oh boy!
Some business! Finally! Herro? Shitty
Wok, take ur orda prease!
KYLE
Uh, I must have the wrong number. We
were trying to reach City Airlines.
MR. KIM
Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease. Herro,
Shitty Airrines. Can I help you take
ur orda prease?
KYLE
Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon
as possible.
MR. KIM
Oooh, Canada. Okay, that's uh pretty
far. Gonna cost ya a rot of money...
hmlet's she. How many people?
KYLE
Four.
MR. KIM
Okay. Four people, Canada, cost a rot
of money, that uh gonna be about ah
six thousand five hundred daura.
KYLE
How about fifty daura?
MR. KIM
Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost
at reast three thousand daura!
KYLE
Fifty-five daura.
MR. KIM
Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five
daura! No way I take my plane to Canada
for less than a thousand daura!
KYLE
Okay. Sixty daura.
MR. KIM
Sixty-two daura.
KYLE
Okay.
MR. KIM
Okay. Meet me Park County Airfield,
yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
KYLE
Got it.
MR. KIM
Hehehehe, never try to barter with
a Chinese man.
[Park County Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing
in the background as the boys approach the yellow Cessna]
CARTMAN
We have exactly fifty-two hours before
Christmas. That means we have to be
back in twenty-eight hours to still
give our patents twenty-four hours to
buy us presents. Synchronize watches
on my mark. Mark.
MR. KIM
Herro, welcome Shitty Airrine.
CARTMAN
Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying
in that thing!
KENNY
(Me neither!)
KYLE
Why not?
KENNY
('Cause, dude, I'll fuckin' die!)
KYLE
You're not gonna die, Kenny. Don't be
stupid.
CARTMAN
You guys go get Ike. Kenny and I will
stay here and watch the fort.
STAN
No, you're both coming. Do you care
about Christmas or not?
CARTMAN
Of course I care about Christmas- Doh,
Christ on a stick!
[Cessna 432G, inside]
CARTMAN
Aw dude, it smells like Kung Pao chicken
in here!
MR. KIM
Okay, welcome aboard Shitty Airrines.
This is your captain speaking. Rooking
about a two hour fright. I'll be turning
on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats
have seatbelts, this is the time you
will fasten them. Please sit back, relax,
and enjoy your Shitty fright.
KYLE
All right! We're going to Canada!
CARTMAN
Sweet.
[Cessna 432G, day. The flight has taken longer than two hours.
The boys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr. Kim. The
plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power]
MR. KIM
Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh!
STAN
What's going on??
MR. KIM
Herro from the cockpit, this is your
captain speaking. As you can see, it
appears that we are goin' down. Now
would be a good time to refrect on your
rife, and pray to whatever deity you
bereive in. Thank you for flying Shitty
Airlines. We know you have a choice
in airlines, and it looks like you made
the wrong one.
KYLE
Hey, where the hell are you going??
STAN
Do something, Kyle!
KYLE
I'm trying!
STAN
Look out!
KENNY
(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)
[Now begins the "Wizard of Oz" sequence. The boys look around
in wonder. A pair of legs is seen at a bench, but no head is
shown]
STAN
You guys, I don't think we're in America
anymore.
CANADIAN MAN
Eh-xcuse me? Uh, is this an invasion?
KYLE
No.
CANADIAN MAN
Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone,
it's not an invasion!
KYLE
Hey! We're in Canada!
DOCTOR
Well of course you are! And Canada Friends
welcomes you!
CANADIANS
Welcome, friend, to Canada! Canada Friends
loves you!
We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!
SAILOR
We greet thee with pleasure, but one
question, if we may?
BUSINESSMAN
What brings you folks to Canada? Why
are you here today?
KYLE
Uh. My adopted brother got taken back
here to Canada? So, we want to talk
to the new Canadian Prime Minister about
getting him back?
CANADIANS
His brother is our quest. The question
is, is what? You must talk to the new
Prime Minister if you think his brother's
home's back there.
CARTMAN
Oh Jesus Christ.
SCOTT
Hey! What the hell is going on?!
CANADIANS
It's Scott! AAAAHHHH!
SCOTT
Who damaged our beloved Canadian land?!
KYLE
Who's that?
DOCTOR
That's Scott! He's a dick!
SCOTT
A-ha! Americans! I should've known!
You think you're the police of the world!
You think you own Canada! Well, you
aren't welcome here! Get out now!
DOCTOR
Oh no you don't, Scott! Leave these
boys alone!
SCOTT
This isn't over, you American scum!
I swear to God: you'll rue this day!!
MAN IN BARREL
God, what a dick!
KYLE
Look, we don't have a lot of time here,
okay? Can you just tell us where the
new Prime Minister is?
DOCTOR
The new Prime Minister doesn't live
in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa.
KYLE
So how do we get to Ottawa?
WRESTLER
Oh that's easy. You just have to follow
the road.
CARTMAN
Which road?!
FIREFIGHTER
This is Canada. We only have one road.
PRIEST
Follow the only road.
MAN
Follow the only road.
CANADIANS
To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow
the only road.
There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only
road.
Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.
ROAD WORKERS
And it's paved and wide and up to code.
STAN
All right dude, let's get the hell out
of here!
KYLE
Word!
CANADIANS
You're off to see the Prime Minister,
the Prime Minister of Canada!
DOCTOR
Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the
new Prime Minister! And remember to
watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
CANADIANS
Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck.
[The Road, day.]
CARTMAN
Twenty hours until Christmas. Our parents
still have time to buy us presents IF
we hurry.
MOUNTIE
Ahoy there, travelers.
KYLE
Who are you?
MOUNTIE
I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie.
SHEEP
Baaaah.
STAN
I thought mounties were supposed to
ride horses.
RICK
Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has
been cut and now we're forced to ride...
SHEEP
Baaaah.
CARTMAN
But if you don't mind, we're in a rush
to see the new Prime Minister.
RICK
You're going to see the new Prime Minister.
Oh, I would so like to meet him myself.
It's his strange new laws that took
our horses away. Perhaps I will go with
you.
KYLE
That's okay, we'd rather just go by
ourselves.
RICK
Follow me this way! We're going to see
the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister
of Canada!
SCOTT
Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you!
[Further down the Road, Rick and the boys pass through another
town]
CARTMAN
Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running
out of time!
RICK
All right boys, prepare yourselves.
We're about to enter... French Canada.
KYLE
French Canada?
FRENCH CANADIANS
There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in
ze land.
Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day,
you'd understand.
MIME
Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French
Canada.
HOCKEY PLAYER
We have everyzing your heart could desire.
Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and
lots of cheese.
ARTIST
Would you like a moustache?
RICK
Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians
are a little... odd.
STAN
Ah, we're just passing through to see
the new Prime Minister.
MIME
Well first you must answer that phone.
Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
KYLE
We don't have time for this.
MIME
You cannot pass through French Canada
unless you take zat phone call! Ring-ring.
Ring-ring.
KYLE
Hello?
MIME
Allo. If you are going to see za new
Prime Minister, then I want to go with
you. He has passed a new law forbidding
us French Canadians to drink wine.
ARTIST
How can ze French not drink wine??
Travestie!
KYLE
Okay, you can come with us.
MIME
Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make
haste!
FRENCH CANADIANS
There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in
ze land.
And ze ozer Canada.
MIME
Is a bullshit Canada
FRENCH CANADIANS
If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.
MIME
I think you'd understand. ...You understand.
[Newfoundland. The group arrives at a dark place.]
RICK
Oh my! This certainly is a desolate
place!
MIME
It reminds me of death and fear.
CARTMAN
How much further to Ottawa! Christmas
is only twelve hours away.
RICK
We must be very close now.
SCOTT
Ey! What are you doing?!
RICK
Waaaah!
MIME
Oh no. It's Scott.
RICK
What are you two doing helping these
Americans?! Don't you know America thinks
it owns Canada along with the rest of
the world?!
MIME
You're a dick, Scott!
SCOTT
You're a dick! And by helping Americans,
you're just as smelly as they are! Now
I'm going to get you!
FISHERMAN
Not a-hire, Scott!
SCOTT
Who the hell are you?!
FISHERMAN
I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you'er
on Newfoundland property now! Get off
before I have you arrested!
SCOTT
Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long
shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of
you!!
RICK
Woo, that was a close call. Thank you,
kind Newfie!
KYLE
God-damnit, we need to get to the new
Prime Minister! NOW!
STEVE
Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He
sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland.
Life just hasn't been the same since
he made sodomy illegal.
MIME
Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask
him to take his sodomy ban away.
KYLE
Can we just get going, please?
STEVE
Yeah, sure, except there's just one
problem.
STAN
What?
STEVE
You folks are goin' the wrong way.
STAN
What?? But I thought there was one road
in Canada.
STEVE
Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction
on it.
RICK
Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way.
MIME
Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland
right!
STAN
Oh no!
CARTMAN
How could you be so stupid!
KYLE
There's no way we can go all the way
back. We'll never make it now!
RICK
It's okay, boys. The power is inside
us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves
there!
MIME
Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there.
RICK
Is it working?
CARTMAN
Oh, God-damnit! Well I warned you Kyle!
I told you if I missed Christmas we
were gonna throw down! Well it's on!
We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW!
STEVE
Of course, we could always take my
boat, eh?
RICK
Oh yes! On the river we could travel
to Ottawa in no time!
KYLE
Well come on!
STEVE
Okay, next stop, the new Prime Minister.
KYLE
Do you think we can still make it in
time?
CARTMAN
We'd better, Kyle. Or you're dead.
[The Parliament building, dawn. Steve and the rest of the party
pull up to the small dock at one end of the grounds]
STEVE
Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
MIME
Ze Prime Minister is inside.
CARTMAN
Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost
Christmas!
[The Parliament building, entrance. Kyle knocks on the heavy
wooden doors. A wooden panel opens up to reveal a window. A doorman
looks out through it]
DOORMAN
Yes?
KYLE
We need to see the new Prime Minister.
DOORMAN
Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister
isn't seeing anybody!
MIME
Oh well, zo much for zat.
STEVE
Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best
wasn't good enough, eh?
KYLE
No. No!!
DOORMAN
Yes?
KYLE
Please, sir. I traveled a long way to
get here. He's the only person who can
help me.
DOORMAN
The Prime Minister isn't here. He's
in China on official business. So you
might as well go home. Good-bye!
KYLE
Then that's it. I'm... I'm never going
to get my brother back.
CARTMAN
And... I'm not going to get any Christmas
presents.
STAN
And... I'm not gonna have a Christmas
adventure.
KENNY
(And I'm not gonna have a ...)
DOORMAN
Oh please! Please stop crying.
CARTMAN
I'm gonna kill you, Kyle.
DOORMAN
All right all right, I was lying. The
Prime Minister IS here.
KYLE
Really?
DOORMAN
Yes yes. Come in.
[The Parliament building, inside. The group walks down a long
hallway and approach a large sanctum with three fire pits. Two
small ones burn before and on each side of the huge one, which
sits at the center and has a holograph of the Prime Minister
hovering over it]
PRIME MINISTER
I am the Prime Minister of Canada. What
do you guys want?
KYLE
Sir, you recently passed a new law
allowing parents who have given their
children up for adoption to change their
minds. My little brother was-
SCOTT
Not so fast!
KYLE
Ike!
IKE
Kyle!
SCOTT
Prime Minister, these are the child's
Canadian parents! Their Canadian blood
pumps through his veins! Would you send
him back to America with those world-hungry
scum?!
KYLE
Please, sir. I came because I don't
think Ike belongs here. Family isn't
about whose blood you have in you, family
is about the people who cared about
you and took care of you. We're not
the same blood, but I love my little
brother. We've taken care of him because
he needed us to, and that makes us more
family than anything.
PRIME MINISTER
That is a great speech, guy. But the
answer is no! All of my new laws will
stay in effect forever!
SCOTT
Haha, you lose, Americans!
RICK
Then, I suppose us mounties will never
get our horses.
MIME
And we won't get our wine.
STEVE
And we can't perform sodomy, eh?
KYLE
But why are you making such strange
laws??
PRIME MINISTER
I SAID GO!
KENNY
(Gah!)
STAN
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
KYLE
You... bastards! Wha, what the hell
is wrong with you?? What kind of Prime
Minister bases his decisions on hatred?
And, and takes away mounties' horses?
And French people's wine? What the
hell kind of Prime Minister are you,
anyway?!
PRIME MINISTER
I am the Prime Minister of Canada.
I can do whatever I- Uh oh. Uh, don't
mind that guy hiding in the spider hole,
he's just my friend.
KYLE
What the hell??
RICK
Hey, that looks like Saddam Hussein!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Saddam Hussein?? Naw, relax, baby. I'm
not him.
MIME
Zat explains everything! Za new Prime
Minister was Saddam Hussein, once again
trying to take over our beloved Canada
like he did before.
SOLDIER 1
Saddam Hussein?
SOLDIER 2
He was fooling us?
BUSINESSMAN
Get him!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Ahh, don't shoot. I want to negotiate.
Hey, relax! Gah!
RICK
Wait a minute. This means all the Prime
Minister's new laws are null and void.
We can have our horses back!
MIME
And we can drink our wine.
STEVE
And I can sodomize me boys again
HARRY
Young man, you... must really care
for Peter to have come all this way.
ELISE
Perhaps we were wrong to try and take
Peter back. He doesn't belong here.
He belongs with his family.
HARRY
Peter, would you like to go back to
your home in Colorado?
STAN
What is that?
CARTMAN
It's Christmas. We officially missed
it. It's Christmas Day and ... I'm in
Canada.
KYLE
Wull yeah, but ah-I got my brother back.
CARTMAN
Yeah! You got your brother back, but
I didn't get any presents! And what
did I tell you, Kyle?! I told you that
if we didn't make it back in time for
Christmas I was gonna whup your ass,
didn't I?!
KYLE
Dude, come on.
CARTMAN
Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker!
That's right! You and me! Right now!
We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come
on! Come on!! Mooooooom! Moooooooom!
RICK
Ey, come on, boys! You can spend Christmas
with us, Canada style!
[Ottawa, day. A Christmas parade goes by and the crowds cheer
and throw confetti. Saddam is paraded on his own float, with
huge candy canes around him]
CANADIANS
Ding dong, they caught Saddam! Merry
Christmas to the world!
Ding dong, the Americans caught Saddam!
[Santa's sleigh passes by and the boys are hoisted into it]
Now Canada is free for you and you and me
It's the best Christmas presents we ever got
Canadian Christmas, it's the best! We drink and dance and show
our breasts!
Let's celebrate! Saddam Hussein's been caught!
STAN
Oh well. Maybe we'll get to have a
Christmas adventure next year.
THE END
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