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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 501


                                  "IT HITS THE FAN"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Morning, bus stop. Stan and Kyle wait for the bus, and Kyle 
               arrives]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hey you guys! Look what I have!

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         Four tickets to The Lion King on stage!
 
                         
                                     STAN, KENNY
                          ...Oh.

                                     KYLE
                         Aww, come on, you guys! It's supposed 
                         to be really cool.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah - no - I'd, it, it sounds really 
                         cool.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You goys!!! Hey you guys!!! Oh my God!! 
                         Oh my God, you guys!!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What, doughboy?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I was just-  I was just watching the 
                         TV! They had this commercial.
 
                                     STAN
                         So?

                                     CARTMAN
                         So, guess what they're gonna say tonight 
                         on that show, Cop Drama.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

               Cartman	No, come on! Guess! They're gonna say something that's 
               never been said on television.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You'll never guess.

                                     STAN
                         What?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Guess.

                                     KYLE
                         Goddamnit, Cartman! What are they gonna 
                         say on Cop Drama?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You ready?  Tonight, on Cop Drama, on 
                         TV, they're gonna say,  "Shit."
 
                                     KYLE
                          They're gonna say "shit" on television?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         They can't say "shit" on television!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         It was just on the news! People are 
                         freaking out, dude.
 
                                     STAN
                         Holy fucking shit!

                                     KENNY
                         (Dude! We've gotta watch!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I'm gonna have people over to 
                         my house to see it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Bu- but I got these tickets to see Lion 
                         King on stage!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle: I said 
                         "shit!" On television!
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's just a marketing ploy by the network. 
                         Like that time they had the first male-to-male 
                         kiss with Terrance and Phillip?
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw, come, on dude! This is history.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It's stupid!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. 
                         What's the matter? You got some sand 
                         in your vagina?
 
                                     KYLE
                         No, I don't have sand in my vagina! 
                         I just think it's a little immature 
                         for us to be standing around talking 
                         about one dumb word being on TV!
 
               [Day, South Park Center for Seismic Activity, water cooler. Randy 
               Marsh and three others shoot the breeze there]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hey, uh, Sam, did you hear the news?
 
                         
                                     SAM
                         Yeah, they're gonna say "shit" on television.
 
                         
                                     COLLEAGUE 1
                          And we should all get together and 
                         watch it at the bar.
 
                                     COLLEAGUE 2
                          Yeaaahhh!

                                     SAM
                         Yeah.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah.

                                     COLLEAGUE 2
                         Hey, are you guys gonna let your kids 
                         watch?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, sure, I mean, you know, Cop Drama 
                         is a very artsy, dramatic show.
 
                                     SAM
                         And they're gonna say "shit."

               [Day, sidewalk. Butters is tagging TELE's as Kyle walks up to 
               him]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Butters!  I got tickets to go see 
                         Lion King tonight, and I decided to 
                         invite  YOU before anybody else.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, sorry, I can't.  They're gonna say 
                         "shit" on Cop Drama, and my mom and 
                         dad say I have to watch it with them 
                         so that I don't take it the wrong way.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         How many ways are there to take it?! 
                         It's just a stupid word!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hey everybody, it's on in thirty minutes! 
                         
 
               [Night, the town bar. Many of the town's men, including Randy 
               and his coworkers, are inside watching "Cop Drama." The officers 
               in the show speak in hushed tones]
 
                                     COP
                          Listen, Mitchell, I put my life on 
                         the line every day. How dare you accuse 
                         me!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, I bet this is it! Here it comes...
 
                         
                                     MITCHELL
                         I'm doing my job, Frank! We have to 
                         know where that evidence was shipped!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Oh! Was that it? Was that it?!

                                     RANDY
                          Shipped. He said "shipped."

                                     FRANK
                         I told you, we don't have a record of 
                         that. And besides, -
 
               [Cut to Cartman's house, night. Cartman sits on the sofa with 
               Stan, Kyle and Kenny, and he's eating from a box of Cheesy Poofs]
 
               
                                     FRANK
                         - your job is to protect the men who 
                         serve this force.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit, when are they gonna say "shit"?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Sshhh!

                                     MITCHELL
                         Maybe... maybe protect them from you?
 
                         
               [Cut to Chef's house, bedroom. He and Principal Victoria watch 
               the show together in bed]
 
                                     FRANK
                         Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking 
                         to!
 
                                     MITCHELL
                         Then maybe you're forgetting how I used 
                         to be a cop, too!
 
               [Cut to the Broflovski house, living room. Sheila and Sharon 
               are enjoying some popcorn as they view the show. Sheila is in 
               the arnchair]
 
                                     FRANK
                         Yeah? You used to be a lot of things.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, he doesn't know Mitchell slept with 
                         his wife, does he?
 
               [Cut to the old folks home.]

                                     MITCHELL
                         That's it, I've had enough of this.
 
                         
                                     FRANK
                         Don't you turn your back on me, you!
 
                         
               [Cut to New York's Times Square, in which a large crowd watches 
               the show from behind a N.Y.P.D. police line]
 
                                     MITCHELL
                         I said, enough!

               [Cut back to Cartman's house.]

                                     FRANK
                         Will it... ever be enough?

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Cop Drama will return after these messages.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Jesus Christ! Another commercial? Are 
                         they ever gonna say "shit?"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm sure they're just holding it till 
                         the very last scene.
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Eugh! 

                                     STAN
                         Where are you going, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                          I'm going to the kitchen! This is stupid!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But you're gonna miss it! The, they're 
                         gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss 
                         it!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I don't really give a fuck! 

                                     STAN
                         Oh.

               [The bar, later.]

                                     MITCHELL
                         Just understand that it's my job. I 
                         still think you're a good cop.
 
                                     FRANK
                         Well, Mitchell. I guess you're goin'ta 
                         do what you're gonna do. Let's just 
                         try and stay friends no matter what.
 
                         
                                     MITCHELL
                         You're right. Maybe I'll ss-see you 
                         around.
 
                                     FRANK
                         Goodbye. Oh, and Mitchell?  You... got 
                         some shit on the side of your mouth 
                         right there.
 
                                     MITCHELL
                         Oh, yeah, that ole thing, yeah.

                                     BAR PATRONS
                         ...Wwooww!!!

               [Cartman's house...]

                                     THE BOYS
                         Whoa!!!

               [Chef's bedroom...]

                                     CHEF
                         Oh!! 

               [The old folks home...]

                                     OLD FOLKS
                         Whoa!

               [Times Square... the crowd there cheers]

               [The bar...]

                                     JIMBO
                          They did it!

               [Cartman's house...]

                                     STAN
                         I can't believe they actually said it. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude! You missed it, Kyle! It was so 
                         awesome!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well! I hope it lived up to all the 
                         hype! You must feel sooo much better 
                         now!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, we've gotta get that sand out 
                         of your vagina. It's making you cranky. 
                         Does it itch?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you really think anything's gonna 
                         be any different now?!  Do you really 
                         think that this will have the tiniest, 
                         smallest effect on the world?  It's 
                         still the same old world out there. 
                         Look.  What the hell?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, dude, it's raining frogs.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, whatever. 

               [Channel 4 News]

                                     ANCHOR TOM
                         Last night, the daring and bold show, 
                         Cop Drama , broke new ground by saying 
                         "SHIT" on television, making "shit" 
                         officially okay to say around the country. 
                          A recent poll shows that 24% of Americans 
                         think the show has pushed the envelope 
                         too far, while a whopping 76% say they 
                         don't really give a shit.  In other 
                         news, a strange virus which causes victims 
                         to vomit up their intestines is making 
                         life shitty for a small farming community. 
                          Rick Watts has the story.
 
                                     RICK WATTS
                         Thanks, Tom. Shit is certainly going 
                         down here in the small tow- 
 
                                     TOM
                         Whoa, shit!

               [South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings]

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright, children, in lieu of the common 
                         usage, I'm s'posed to clarify the school's 
                         position on the word, "shit."
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow! We can say "shit" in school now?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         This is ridiculous! Just because they 
                         say it on TV it's alright.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Yes, but only in the figurative noun 
                         form or the adjective form
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh?

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         You can only use it in the non-literal 
                         sense. For instance,  "That's a shitty 
                         picture of me." is now fine. Hoever, 
                         the literal noun form of  "This is a 
                         picture of shit." is still naughty. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't get it.

                                     STAN
                         Me neither.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         The adjective form is now also acceptable. 
                         For example:  "The weather outside is 
                         shitty." However, the literal adjective 
                         is NOT appropriate. For example:  "My 
                         bad diarrhea made the inside of the 
                         toilet bowl shitty, and I had to clean 
                         it with a rag, which then also became 
                         shitty."  That's right out!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Sshh...sshh... shit. 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Very good, Timmy.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Huh-uh, Ms. Choksondik, eh, can we 
                         say it in the expletive? Like, "Oh, 
                         shit," or, "shit on a shingle"?
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Yes, that's now fine.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, this is gonna be great! A whole 
                         new word!
 
                                     KYLE
                          It's NOT NEW!! I'm gonna look "shit" 
                         up in the encyclopedia and PROVE it!!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just 
                         got a little sand in his vagina.
 
                                     KYLE
                         THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!!!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Boys, watch your language! Shit!

               [Kindergarten, day]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And so, children, instead of saying 
                         "Hand in your papers," I may now say 
                         "Hand in your shit." Any questions?
 
                         
                                     FILMORE
                         What about, "I have to take a shit"?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         NO! NO, Filmore! You can say "I have 
                         to poop and shit," or "Oh, shit, I have 
                         to poop," but NOT "I have to shit." 
                         Are we all clear?
 
                                     KINDERGARTNERS
                         No.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Look, it's all about context. Well, 
                         for example, recently, I have come out 
                         and admitted that I was a homosexual. 
                         I'm gay. That means that now I can say 
                         the word, "fag." On television they 
                         usually don't allow "fag." But because 
                         I'm gay, it's alright. And with the 
                         new approval of the word, "shit," that 
                         means that finally I am free to say,
 
                         
               Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,

               Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?

               Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,

               Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?

               [pleased] Oh this is great!

               [South Park, some days later. The town has taken to using the 
               S word, with S-themed stores and products all over the place. 
               Poeple proudly sport the word on their shirts. An elderly couple 
               walks out of Sh*t 'n Things and stop just outside the door]
 
               
                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         Why that store has such lovely shit.
 
                         
                                     ELDERLY MAN
                         Yeah.  Too bad I don't have shit for 
                         cash right now. 
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh, looks like the weather might turn 
                         shitty.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, I don't really give a shit. I've 
                         done enough shit outside today and shit.
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         Shit, Peter, you look like shit.

                                     PETER
                         Oh, shit, I feel like shit. I think 
                         I to- 
 
                                     WOMAN 1
                         Holy shit!

                                     WOMAN 2
                         Did you see that shit? 

                                     BARBARDY
                         What kind of shit is this?

                                     MAN 1
                         That is some weird shit. 

                                     WOMAN 3
                         Susan, your shit's ready!

                                     MAN 2
                         Hey, do you know where this shit goes? 
                         
 
                                     MAN 3
                         Shit if I know.

                                     WOMAN 4
                         Nice going, shit-for-brains.

               [a high mountain is shown]

                                     MAN 4
                         Old McDonald took a shit, E I E I O
 
                         
                                     MAN 5
                         No shit!

               [seven knights are shown encased in ice. The smoke reaches them 
               and thaws them out. Music swells. They step forth and walk to 
               the edge of a cliff, looking out over all those towns and cities 
               spewing forth the filthy word. They draw their swords and raise 
               them high, and lightning strikes each of the swords]
 
               [South Park, another day. Mr. Garrisn is walking down the street, 
               singing.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
 
                         
               Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?

               Hey, there,-

                                     MAN 6
                          Oh, shit, 'scuse me. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey, watch it, fag.

                                     MAN 6
                          What did you call me?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I called you a fag. Because I'm gay, 
                         and that means I'm free to use the word 
                         "fag." So piss off, you fag-shitter! 
                         
 
               Heh, so hay there, shity shitty fag fag

               Shitty shitty fag fag, kutuputupuh [walks past Stan and Cartman. 
               Cartman is sucking on a Popsicle]
 
                                     STAN
                         This suck. Now that "shit"'s out, it 
                         isn't fun to say it anymore.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, they've taken all the fun out 
                         of "shit." We're gonna have to start 
                         saying other bad words, like cock and 
                         fuck and... meecrob. 
 
                                     STAN
                         What's meecrob?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, that stuff you get as a appetizer 
                         at Thai food restaurants. "meecrob" 
                         is way grosser than "shit," dude. I'd 
                         scarf down a whole wet bucket fullof 
                         shit before I ate another plate of meecrob. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         You guys! You guys! I've looked up the 
                         word, "shit!" I think it might have 
                         something to do with people dying!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         Haven't you noticed everyone getting 
                         sick? It all started when they said 
                         "shit" on television.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, Kyle, you are so full of meecrob.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I am not full of meekro- what? Look, 
                         the word "shit" first showed up in English 
                         in the 1340s, the same time as something 
                         called, "the Black Death."
 
                                     STAN
                         What's that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, do you still have sand in your 
                         vagina about us not going to The Lion 
                         King with you?! I mean, shit, dude, 
                         let it go.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Look! It might be a coincidence, but 
                         I think we'd better ask someone. Come 
                         on! 
 
               [Hollywood, day, the HBC building, home of "Terrance and Phillip." 
               The network president talks to his staff in a boardroom. They're 
               all smiles]
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         ...Seventy-five share. My God, I never 
                         thought it was possible.
 
                                     DIRECTOR 1
                          Sir, your "shit" idea has turned the 
                         entire network around. We're proud to 
                         work for you. 
 
                                     DIRECTOR 2
                          Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity: 
                         I'm sure I speak for all of us when 
                         I say, you are the most creative genius 
                         in Hollywood, and... well... I'd let 
                         you have me if you wanted.
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Thanks, Roger, but I've only just started. 
                         You see, I've already figured out our 
                         new marketing scheme technique for the 
                         next run of shows.
 
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         Whoa!

                                     DIRECTOR 4
                         Wow, he's unstoppable!

                                     DIRECTOR 1
                         What's the new idea?

                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         I can hardly wait.

                                     DIRECTOR 5
                         I'm about to piss myself!

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                          This Saturday... on HBC... we're going 
                         to say...  "shit" ...twice.
 
                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         ...Twice!

                                     DIRECTOR 4
                         Brilliant!

                                     DIRECTOR 6
                         Think of the repetition!

                                     DIRECTOR 3
                         It's like saying it once... but double!
 
                         
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Well gentlemen, let's get on it!

                                     ALL
                         Ho! 

               [South Park Elementary, day. Chef is singing away in the kitchen, 
               serving up lunch for the kids.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Baby you are so fine, and shit!

               The shit you do, the shit you say; I'd jump on your shit any 
               day!
 
               [the boys walk in] Oh, hello there, children.

                                     THE BOYS
                         Hey Chef.

                                     KYLE
                         Chef, do you know where "shit" comes 
                         from?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Uh, from your ass, children.

                                     KYLE
                          No no no! The word, "shit."

                                     CHEF
                         Oooh.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Detective Sandy Vagina here thinks 
                         that "shit" might have something to 
                         do with everyone getting sick
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ungh, it said in my book that the word, 
                         "shit," started the exact same time 
                         as something called, "The Black Death."
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         The Black Death? Are you sure?

                                     STAN
                         What's the Black Death, Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         LaToya Jackson, children.

                                     THE BOYS
                         Oh.

                                     CHEF
                         But I think back in those days it meant 
                         something else: the plague!
 
               [The Library, later. Chef reads from a large book on a large 
               table on the ground floor. To his left sit Stan and Kenny, to 
               his right Kyle and Cartman]
 
                                     CHEF
                         It says here the word, "shit" has been 
                         around for over 600 years. It comes 
                         from the Anglo-Saxon word, "skite."
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Right. But in the 1340s people in England 
                         stopped calling it "skite" and started 
                         calling it "shit." The same year as 
                         the Black Plague.
 
                                     LIBRARIAN
                          This is the oldest book in the library. 
                          A priceless original of England's history. 
                         Just about everythign you could want 
                         to know about the plague is in this 
                         great tome.  Oh, shit. Well, this other 
                         book has some good information, too. 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         The Black Plague. Over half of Europe 
                         was killed by it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, they're puking out their intestines, 
                         just like the people here. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Look at this, children.  It says that 
                         the people in England believed that 
                         the plague was a curse, a dark magic 
                         infliction brought on by a mass utterance 
                         of a word of curse.
 
                                     STAN
                         Word of curse?

                                     KYLE
                         A c...curse word.

                                     CHEF
                         Of course! I've never even thought about 
                         why we use the term "curse word" before.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Because it brings a curse? Like the 
                         Black Death.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, look here.  In this Nancy 
                         Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach 
                         and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This... 
                         could explain how Kyle got it in his 
                         vagina.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, this is serious!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         So am I, Kyle. If that sand in your 
                         vagina doesn't get released, you could 
                         become a walking time bomb. 
 
                                     LIBRARIAN
                          If you don't mind, I'll have to close 
                         up now. They're going to say "shit" 
                         seven times on HBC and I d-agh! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Holy shit!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oho, gross!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, this plague is spreading like 
                         wildfire! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh oh.

                                     KENNY
                         (Uh oh.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny's got it. heh heh.

                                     KYLE
                         We've gotta do something, Chef. If we 
                         don't we don't stop that network,  "shit" 
                         will becvome an even more acceptable 
                         word!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Children, we've got to warn those producers 
                         in Hollywood that the plague, and "shit," 
                         could be linked!
 
               [An airplane, day. Chef and the boys are headed for Hollywood]
 
               
                                     CAPTAIN
                         Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is 
                         your captain speaking. If you look out 
                         the right side of the aircraft you can 
                         see some interesting shit.  And over 
                         on the left side, there's some interesting 
                         shit, too.  Well, we should be arriving 
                         in los Angeles in about two hours. Until 
                         then we invite you to sit back, relax, 
                         and enjoy our shitty service. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Goddamnit, Kenny! Don't get your plague 
                         germs on me!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, stop being an asshole! 

               [HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.]

                                     DIRECTOR 5
                         Tha ratings are in, sir. We broke another 
                         record last night with the show that 
                         said "shit" seven times! 
 
                                     DIRECTOR 1
                         Where is the roof on this thing? I mean, 
                         I mean, how can we top ourselves now? 
                         
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Gentlemen, I have it. The end-all greatest 
                         marketing ploy of all time.  Tonight, 
                         on HBC, we will air all our sitcoms... 
                         LIVE. And have everyone say "shit" in 
                         place of their written lines. And we'll 
                         call it "Must Shit TV."
 
                                     DIRECTOR 1
                         Bravo!

                                     DIRECTOR 2
                         "Night Of A Million Shits!"

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Now, doing this live will be difficult, 
                         so we must- 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Hold on a minute, Mr. Producer!

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Who are you?

                                     CHEF
                         My name is Chef, and these are the children! 
                         We've come to warn you about "shit."
 
                         
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                          Oh brother, another Christian protest 
                         group
 
                                     DIRECTOR 1
                         Who wants to take this one?

                                     DIRECTOR 2
                         I'll get it.  Gentlemen, we appreciate 
                         your concern.  Here at HBC the general 
                         goal is providing the highest and most 
                         thought-provoking netertainment. How 
                         great it is that we live in a country 
                         where an artist can express himself 
                         freely. That's not only the American 
                         spirit, it's the HBC spirit. Which allows 
                         us to make great family programs like 
                         Halo The Turtle, and of course, everyone's 
                         favorite show, Cop Drama. We can't thank 
                         you enough for bringing your concerns 
                         to our network, for it is you, the loyal 
                         HBC viewer, who makes this great network, 
                         and indeed, the great country that it 
                         is. 
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Alright, now, as I was saying-

                                     CHEF
                         Hey! Hold on a minute!

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Aw, are they stil here?

                                     CHEF
                         Haven't you people noticed all the strange 
                         things going on?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We think that you might have could it 
                         by helping make "shit" an everyday word. 
                         
 
                                     DIRECTOR 4
                         Mhm, right, right.

                                     KYLE
                         It's true. We think that word might 
                         be plaguing our friend, Kenny.
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Do you have any proof of this?

                                     KYLE
                         ...Nnno

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Then  get out of here before we have 
                         you thrown out!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But... we can keep the Halo the Turtle 
                         dolls, right?
 
               [HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys 
               exit the building.]
 
                                     CHEF
                          Damn cracker-ass producers!

                                     STAN
                         Now what are we gonna do, Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         I don't know, children. I guess we've 
                         got to get the word out to people some 
                         other way.
 
                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                          Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

                                     STAN
                         Oh shit!

                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         Stand aside! 

               [HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.]

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Alright, now, we have to get all our 
                         biggest names to say "shit," and then 
                         we're gonna- 
 
                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         Halt your evil plans!

                                     EXECUTIVES
                         Huh?

                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         I possess the Rune Stone of Undoing! 
                         Who is in charge here? 
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Oh...  nno, you guys didn't hire me 
                         a stripper for my birthday-oooh, tell 
                         me you guys didn't.
 
                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         Show your true form, Geldon, lest you 
                         be afraid! Your short time in this world 
                         is at an end!  Awch. The Rune Stone 
                         has no effect! You are not Geldon!
 
                         
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         I never said I was.

                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                          You will die anyway, for you have spread 
                         the word of curse! 
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Security! 

                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         Waaarrgh! 

               [HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys 
               approach the fallen knight.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Who are you?

                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         Take this. 

                                     STAN
                         What are we supposed to do with it?
 
                         
                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

                                     KYLE
                         Now what?

                                     CHEF
                         We've got to find people who would know 
                         what the hell this is all about. Children, 
                         we're goin'ta have to go to the land 
                         of castles, knights, and kings!
 
               [Las Vegas, sunset, a view of the Strip, showing many of the 
               attractions that can be found there.]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Lords and Ladies, we bid you welcome 
                         to the grandest casino in the land, 
                         Excalibur! 
 
                                     BARKER
                         Take a free spin. Double your odds. 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         'Scuse me. Do you work here?

                                     BARKER
                         How can I help you, noble sir?

                                     KYLE
                         We need some help identifying an ancient 
                         English stone.
 
                                     BARKER
                         A what?

                                     STAN
                         It might hold the key to a curse.

                                     BARKER
                         Uh... I can help get you some credit 
                         or a comp meal, perhaps.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we need help from the British!
 
                         
                                     BARKER
                         Lluhook kid, Thihis is just a casino. 
                         I can't help you. You know, not every 
                         British person knows about wizards  
                         and dragons and curses.
 
                                     CHEF
                         We just need help identifying this. 
                         
 
                                     BARKER
                          The Rune Stome of Gaelic! Where did 
                         you get this?
 
                                     STAN
                         You know what it is?

                                     BARKER
                         The Skyre once spoke of such a stone! 
                         Come, we must see the sorcerer! 
 
               [South Park, bar, night. The men are gathered there once again]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Get ready for "Must Shit TV!" Starting 
                         now, four straight hours of pure shit! 
                         It's all live!
 
               [On the set of the Drew Carey show. Drew and Mimi are onstage, 
               with Drew sitting at his desk]
 
                                     DREW
                         Hey! Hm, heh, shit! Heh.  Ya ain't shit.
 
                         
                                     MIMI
                         Hyeh. Dude, ya ain't shit! 

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         This is it. My greatest work.

               [Excalibur, inside. The barker leads Chef and the boys down a 
               hall and run into a waitress dressed as a damsel]
 
                                     WAITRESS
                         Cocktails. Cocktails.

                                     BARKER
                         There Americans wish to see the Skyre!
 
                         
                                     WAITRESS
                         Let us make haste to the inner sanctum!
 
                         
               [Excalibur, the hallway to the Inner Sanctum. The barker and 
               waitress lead Chef and the boys through]
 
                                     BARKER
                         How could you foolish Americans bring 
                         the wrath of scorn by mass-chanting 
                         the word of wretchedness?!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Aah, yeah. We didn't mean to.

                                     BARKER
                         Didn't you realize "shit" is a curse 
                         word?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, yeah, but I don't think that "curse 
                         word" meant... curse word.
 
                                     BARKER
                         Ha! Leave it to American to think that 
                         "no" means yes, "pissed" means angry, 
                         and "curse word" means something other 
                         than a word that's cursed!!
 
               [The Inner Sanctum. The group enters and walks towards the sorcerer]
 
               
                                     SORCERER
                         Let me see the stone. 

                                     CHEF
                         But I don't get it. People use curse 
                         words all the time.
 
                                     BARKER
                         Saying a word of curse once in a while 
                         does nothing. It's only when spoken 
                         repeatedly and en masse that the curse 
                         takes place.
 
                                     SORCERER
                          Uhuh-I've seen this before. Stones 
                         that were used by the Knights of Standards 
                         and Practices.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Knights of Standards and Practices?
 
                         
                                     SORCERER
                         A legion of men sworn to do whatever 
                         necessary to keep the words at bay. 
                         But... they were just a myth.
 
               [South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show]
 
               
                                     MIMI
                         You know what? You're dumb as shit!
 
                         
                                     DREW
                         Oh yeah?! Well, I don't really give 
                         a shit!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Ng-aah, that word's kind of getting 
                         old. It's not really... funny anymore.
 
                         
                                     MAN 7
                         Yeah, they're gonna have to come up 
                         with a new swear word now.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, they can't use "fag." Because 
                         you can't say "fag" unless you're a 
                         homosexual.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Really? So we can't say __g?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No. See, you got beeped.

                                     MAN 7
                         You mean you have to be a __g to say 
                         __g?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's right.

                                     JIMBO
                         Hell, that's not fair! I should be able 
                         to say "fag." 
 
                                     RANDY
                         ...Hey, you didn't get beeped.

                                     JIMBO
                         Uh oh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well well well! Guess we learned something 
                         new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag! 
                         You wanna make out or something?
 
                                     DREW
                          Aw, man, I am up shit creek.

               [On the set of the Drew Carey show. The door to stage C opens 
               and in gallop the knights with swords drawn]
 
                                     MIMI
                         Serves you right, shit-for-brains!
 
                         
                                     DREW
                         Yeah, how could I be such a dumb...sh-
 
                         
                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         Say not the word of curse! 

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         What the?

                                     MIMI
                          Holy shit! 

               [South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh boy, this show is really reaching 
                         for plot now!
 
               [Excalibur, the Inner Sanctum. The Sorcerer continues with the 
               mythology of the knights]
 
                                     SORCERER
                         The knights were formed to keep curse 
                         words to a minimum. Should a curse word 
                         ever be let out, they would return. 
                         A rune for each word of curse was made, 
                         representing each of the eight words 
                         that so offended God...
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, there's the F-word.

                                     KYLE
                         And asshole.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I knew it! Meecrob!  Meecrob is a curse 
                         word! God must hate it as much as I 
                         do!
 
                                     SORCERER
                         Look at this: The writing here claims 
                         this stone can defeat the evil geldon 
                         , who will rise when the word of curse 
                         has been said enough times to give him 
                         power. Then all the world will be destroyed.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         All the world destroyed?

                                     CARTMAN
                         My house, too?

                                     CHEF
                         Oh no!

                                     SORCERER
                         What?

                                     CHEF
                         Tonight is the "Night of a Million Shits" 
                         on HBC! It's gonna be said over and 
                         over!
 
                                     SORCERER
                         Then we haven't much time. We must go!
 
                         
               [On the set of the Drew Carey show. The blond knight approaches 
               the cameraman]
 
                                     BLOND KNIGHT
                         Turn off those devices of broadcast!
 
                         
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         What is coing on here?! Stop this shit!
 
                         
                                     BLOND KNIGHT
                         We are the Royal Order of Standards 
                         and Practices! 
 
                                     BLAD KNIGHT
                         We command you to stop saying the curse 
                         word!
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         Listen, Mr. Shinypants, I am the head 
                         of this network, and I will say "shit" 
                         all I want! Shit, shit, shit shit shit, 
                         shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit 
                         shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit 
                         shit shit shit, , shit shit shit shit 
                         shit shit shit shit shit shit! 
 
               Oh, shit!

               [South Park, bar, night. The TV screen is show, with the HBC 
               logo]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, back to Must Shit TV, here 
                         on HBC.
 
               [On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues - the 
               knights fight the geldon valiantly]
 
                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         He is too strong! We cannot fight him 
                         without the rune stone!
 
                                     DIRECTOR 1
                         My, my GOD, sir! What have you unleashed 
                         upon the world?!
 
                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         I didn't know.  I DIDN'T KNOW!!!

               [South Park, bar, night. The men watch in increasing disbelief]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         I, I can't follow this shitty storyline 
                         at all.
 
               [On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues, but 
               Chef and the boys arrive]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wait! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh boy, that thing has really got sand 
                         in its vagina! 
 
                                     LEAD KNIGHT
                         The rune stone! Point it towards Geldon! 
                         
 
                                     GELDON
                         Agh. Dude, lame. Lame!  Sorry, dudes. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What a stupid voice.

                                     KYLE
                         It's okay. The curse has been lifted. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. We all gotta make sure it doesn't 
                         come back.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You see, we've learned something today. 
                         Swearing can be fun, but doing it all 
                         the time causes a lot of problems.
 
                         
               [Cut to Kyle's home, where he's on TV]

                                     KYLE
                         We're all saying the S-word too much! 
                         
 
                                     IKE
                         Kyle.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Look, Gerald. Kyle's on television! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Uh huh.

               [Cut to the old folks' home]

                                     KYLE
                         The knights of Standards and Practices 
                         were created to make sure that bad words 
                         were kept to a minimum. "Curse words" 
                         They're called that because they are 
                         a curse. We have to go back to only 
                         using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         And besides, too much use of a dirty 
                         word takes away from its... impact. 
                         We believe in free speech and all that, 
                         but... keeping a few words taboo just 
                         adds to the fun of English.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          So please, everyone, From now on you've 
                         got to try and watch your language. 
                         
 
               [South Park, bar, night. The men think over the boys' message]
 
               
                                     THE MEN
                          Yeah.

                                     RANDY
                         That makes sense.

                                     COLLEAGUE 1
                         Ain't that right?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Is this still part of the show?

               [On the set of the Drew Carey show. The place is calm now]

                                     HBC PRESIDENT
                         We're sorry, noble knights of Standards 
                         and Pracrices,  from now on, we will 
                         obey your laws.
 
                                     BLOND KNIGHT
                         See that you do!

                                     CHEF
                         I'm very proud of you, children. Let's 
                         all go home and find a nice white woman 
                         to make love to.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah! And Kenny didn't die!

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, I didn't- Goddamnit! Aargh!) 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Holy shi-  poo.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hah, I love you guys.

               THE END

It Hits The Fan



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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