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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 304


                                    "JAKOVASAURS"


                                      Written by 


                        Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman







               [The boys are camping near Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire 
               and are roasting marshmallows. Cartman plays a harmonica]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, listen to this song I just 
                         wrote. It's called, "I Hate You Guys":
 
                         
               
               [plays four notes before each line]

               I hate you guys.

               You guys are assholes.

               Specially Kenny.

               [the other three glare at him] I hate him the most.

               
               
               I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words.

               Specially Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen. 
                          Facing the wilderness, not having to 
                         be home until 8:30,... 
 
                                     STAN
                         Where are you going?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm going home for a minute. I have 
                         to go to the bathroom.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Just go behind a tree.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I have to go number two.

                                     STAN
                         So? You can poo in the wilderness.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way, dude! What would I wipe with?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're 
                         supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well what do I sit on?

                                     KYLE
                         You just squat, stupid! 

                                     STAN
                         Not here! Go further away!

                                     CARTMAN
                          God, I'm glad you guys know all these 
                         "pooping outside" rules!  Urgh. Come 
                         on, now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Watch out for ground eels! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stop, you guys! I can't think!

                                     KYLE
                         What do you have to think about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I have to think about... planes dropping 
                         bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve 
                         ice cream...  Oh, that did it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Sick, dude!

               [In the lake, the water becomes agitated, and a bubble comes 
               up. Cartman pulls out his harmonica and plays again]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Poopin' outside,

               [a rear shot] Makin' self-serve ice cream

               For my friends

               Specially Kenny.

               
               Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves? [a yellow creature 
               peeks out between the trees. It is the one looking at Cartman's 
               rear.]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Here you go.)  (No way!) 

                                     CARTMAN
                          What the?

                                     CREATURE
                          Oohma poota!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look 
                         at this!
 
                                     STAN
                          We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys, get over here!

                                     KYLE
                         No way, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm serious now!  Look. Over by those 
                         bushes.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CREATURE
                         Meesa scared!

                                     STAN
                         I see it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on! Let's kill it! 

                                     KYLE
                          Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury 
                         it!
 
               [Jimbo's lodge. This is where Huntin' and Killin' is shot. Inside, 
               Jimbo is watching TV and Ned, in a short kimono, looks for something.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping 
                         Network. It has a dragon on the blade. 
                          It's got a dragon painted right on 
                         the blade! You should buy the samurai 
                         sw-
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Ned, how the hell could you lose your 
                         voice box?!  I can't hear you, Ned. 
                         You don't have a trachea. You smoked 
                         too much and you had it removed. And 
                         then you drank too much and you lost 
                         your god-damned voice box, Ned!
 
                                     NED
                          Shut... up... Jimbo.

                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just 
                         sicks me out.
 
                                     STAN
                          I saw it this way!

                                     KYLE
                         Over here!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Come on, you guys!

               [the boys reach the lodge]

                                     JIMBO
                          What the hell's goin' on?!

                                     STAN
                         Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal 
                         creature and it ran over that way!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned, 
                         come on!  Where did it go?
 
                                     KYLE
                         It just ran by here a second ago. 
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                          Sounds like it ran into the ostrich 
                         trap!  Sshh. Now keep quiet. All right. 
                         I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It 
                         may get startled, so be ready. 
 
                                     CREATURE
                         Ooba jaaga!

                                     JIMBO
                         Holy Crow! I've never seen anything 
                         like it!
 
                                     CREATURE
                         Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          It's stupid

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, let's kill it.

                                     CARTMAN
                          No! No. Don't.

                                     JIMBO
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I like it.

                                     KYLE
                         You don't like anything, Cartman! 
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor 
                         on the phone, tell her that we... hoh 
                         yeah, he can't talk. All right, never 
                         mind, I'll do it.
 
               [South Park, the next day]

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah, it was like wrestling a Lousiana 
                         alligator, this thing. Put up one hell 
                         of a fight. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Hello there. Who's the cute baby? Who's 
                         the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie. 
                         
 
                                     FED
                         Mayor, we're from the Department of 
                         Interior.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Ooh, yes. How are you?

                                     DOI 1
                          Fine, just fine.

                                     DOI 2
                          Fine, just fine.

                                     DOI 3
                          Fine.

                                     MAYOR
                         Right over here. 

                                     DOI 2
                         My God, McClanahan, do you believe it? 
                         
 
                                     CREATURE
                         Meesa needa Jakov.  Dwooooooo!

                                     DOI 1
                         Mm-it's amazing.

                                     MAYOR
                         What?

                                     DOI 1
                         Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live 
                         one has never been seen.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Oh, neato.

                                     DOI 2
                         Incredible.  We know of this creature 
                         only from remains frozen in snow.
 
                         
                                     DOI 1
                         Do you realize what this means? We could 
                         use its DNA and have a chance of bringing 
                         the entire jakovasaur species back from 
                         extinction.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow! Cool!

                                     NED
                          Is... there... re... ward... money? 

                                     JIMBO
                         Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!
 
                         
                                     DOI 2
                         This one jakovasaur can mother an entire 
                         population of the animals.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Well, in that case, I think we should 
                         name it... Hope.
 
                                     WOMAN 2
                         Hope.

                                     MAN
                         Yes, Hope.

                                     "HOPE"
                         Meesa name Junjun.

                                     STAN
                         I think his name is Junjun.

                                     MAYOR
                         Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful 
                         name!
 
                                     DOI 1
                         Now we must find a safe place for it.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'll keep it at my house.

                                     MAYOR
                         No, Garrison, you'll just try to have 
                         sex with it!
 
                                     JUNJUN
                         Uuh?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What?! How dare you say that?!

                                     MAYOR
                         Garrison, you remember what happened 
                         to the wounded pigeon you were supposed 
                         to take care of?!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon 
                         was a total slut.
 
                                     RANCHER
                         Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It 
                         ain't much, but it's heated.
 
                                     DOI 1
                         Well, that sounds fine, just fine.
 
                         
                                     DOI 3
                         Fine, just fine.

                                     DOI 2
                         Fine.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the 
                         air here. We all know that pigeon was 
                         a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't 
                         sleep with that pigeon?  Oh, whatever!
 
                         
               But Cartman is at home looking at the House Shopping Network 
               on TV]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         It's got a dragon painted on the blade. 
                         This is the Sumatomi sword-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom, 
                         can I get a Sumatomi sword used by the 
                         ancient Tokugawa soldiers??
 
                                     LIANE
                          I'll think about it, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.  Mom, somebody's at the door.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Mommy's busy, boopie-kins.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Should I get it?

                                     LIANE
                          Go ahead, snookums. It's probably one 
                         of your little friends.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay.

                                     LIANE
                          Hmmm. 

               [the knocking continues]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, okay, hold your horses! God!  
                         Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         That's nice, muffin.

                                     JAKOVASAUR
                         Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh.  Please 
                         help me find Junjun. She has been gone 
                         since last night, and I'm worried sick.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You mean the other jakovasaur?

                                     JAKOVASAUR
                         What means a jakovasaur?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're a jakovasaur; that's what they 
                         call you.
 
                                     JAKOVASAUR
                         Oh. Cool beans.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But the other jakovasaur talked different.
 
                         
                                     JAKOVASAUR
                         That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls 
                         talk different.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I have to call my friends over; they're 
                         never gonna believe it.
 
                                     JAKOVASAUR
                         Please take me to Junjun. We're the 
                         last of our kind. There are only two 
                         of us left.
 
               [Cartman's room. He's telling his friends what he learned]

                                     CARTMAN
                         He's the last of his kind, you guys. 
                         There's only two of them left. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Will you stop with the whole "mom smoking 
                         crack" thing?! It's a old joke!
 
                                     JAKOVASAUR
                          Eric, do you have any more cookies? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay 
                         to come in. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jakov, I want you to meet my friends.
 
                         
                                     JAKOV
                         Huhello, guys. I love new friends. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny?

                                     STAN
                          No, he's annoying.

                                     KYLE
                         What are we supposed to do with him?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         We have to take him to that rancher's 
                         barn to see his girlfriend.
 
                                     STAN
                         Why don't we just tell our parents?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No! Why don't you wanna to understand? 
                         We have to do this ourselves.
 
               [The rancher's barn, that same night. The boys break into the 
               barn with Jakov]
 
                                     STAN
                          Sshh! Be quit. We could get in big 
                         trouble for being here.
 
                                     JAKOV
                          Junjun!

                                     STAN
                          Sh! Keep quiet, stupid!

                                     JAKOV
                          Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?!
 
                         
                                     JAKOV
                          I am whispering!  Yyeow!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov.
 
                         
                                     JAKOV
                          I am?

                                     STAN
                         Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just 
                         take bunga here and go back to Stark's 
                         Pond?
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda 
                         nicer than Stark's Pond. 
 
                                     JUNJUN
                         Aw, we's in big doodoo now.

                                     JAKOV
                         Uh oh.

               [Jimbo's lodge, daytime. Ned is on the phone]

                                     OPERATOR
                         Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express, 
                         your #1 source for voice boxes. I'm 
                         Amanda. How may I help you?
 
                                     NED
                          Yes... Hello..., um..., I... lost... my... voice... 
                         box...
 
                                     AMANDA
                         Excuse me?

                                     NED
                         I... lost... my... voice... box...

                                     AMANDA
                          Excuse me?

                                     NED
                          I... lost... my... voice... box... 

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new 
                         voice box!  You want it? You want it? 
                         Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All 
                         right, here you go.  Well, try it out!
 
                         
                                     NED
                          Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough 
                         for the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what 
                         in the devil is this thing?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish 
                         model by mistake.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is! 
                         Did you keep the receipt, then?
 
                                     MAN
                          You guys come quick! I've only just 
                         heard!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         What? What is it?

                                     MAN
                         They've found another one! They've found 
                         another jakovasaur! 
 
                                     NED
                         Gmmm, blimey.

               [South Park Square. The Mayor stands on stage with the DOI agents 
               and the two jakovasaurs as the townsfolk filter in. The boys 
               stand in front of the steps on the left side of the stage]
 
               
                                     MAYOR
                          Here with more on the status of the 
                         jakovasaurs is Department of Interior 
                         guy.
 
                                     DOI 1
                         Thank you, Mayor.  The noble jakovasaur 
                         is on the brink of extinction. And now, 
                         you, as a community, have a chance to 
                         bring them back.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive 
                         honor..."
 
                                     KYLE
                         What are you doing, fatass?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm preparing my speech for when they 
                         call me up to congratulate on me on 
                         my discovery. "Thank you, Mayor, for 
                         this distinctive honor..."
 
                                     DOI 1
                         ...Hope and Jakov are the last of their 
                         kind. But with the help of the Mayor, 
                         we have implemented a plan to help them 
                         breed. We will give them a home and 
                         a fighting chance at survival.
 
                                     MAN
                          Yea for us!

                                     JAKOV
                         Thank you!

                                     MAYOR
                         And now, the little boy who first discovered 
                         the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable 
                         distinction.
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Well, that's about it. Let's go.

                                     MAN 3
                         Yeah. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, there's really only two seasons 
                         here in South Park: Winter, and July, 
                         heh heh heh. But, but um, seriously, 
                         South Park has always been a place of 
                         discovery for me...  Ey, you sons of bitches! 
                         Get back here! I'm having a god-damned 
                         distinctive honor!
 
               [The jakovasaurs' new home. Everyone involved in finding and 
               caring for the jakovasaurs is there]
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Wow!! It's so pretty!

                                     DOI 1
                         Well, Jakov, we hope this new home "inspires" 
                         you and Hope to uh, hm, you know... 
 
                         
                                     JAKOV
                         What?

                                     DOI 2
                         Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, 
                         so, maybe you two should uuh...
 
                                     JAKOV
                         What?

                                     DOI 3
                         Get to some business. 

                                     JAKOV
                          What??

                                     KYLE
                         They want you to have sex, God-damnit!!
 
                         
                                     JAKOV
                         Ooohh.

                                     MAYOR
                          We'll just leave you two lovebirds 
                         alone.
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Well, all right, then. 

               [The jakovasaurs have no idea what to do, so they don't do anything. 
               Outside, the boys, the agents, the Mayor, the rancher, and Jimbo 
               wait for something to happen. Sure enough, things are heard falling 
               inside. Jakov is heard moaning and yelling as he stumbles around. 
               Junjun runs out of the house and Jakov stands at the entrance]
 
               
                                     JUNJUN
                         Meesa just don't wanna!

                                     JAKOV
                          I don't know what to do!

                                     DOI 1
                         Jakov, to have sex, all you need to 
                         do is, well, you know, put your...  Hmmm. 
                          I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs 
                         mate.
 
                                     DOI 2
                          There is... another option.

               [Mephesto's ranch. The boys, the agents, and the Mayor are present 
               with the jakovasaurs. Jakov and Junjun are on the examination 
               table.]
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         I've managed to artificially inseminate 
                         Hope with your semen.
 
                                     JAKOV
                         I have seamen? Where's their boat?  
                         Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! 
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Yes, yes, that's... very funny, Jakov. 
                          I... will need to examine Hope once more 
                         to see if the process worked. 
 
                                     JUNJUN
                         Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop!

                                     JAKOV
                          Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!

                                     STAN
                         God-damn!

                                     KYLE
                         Shut up!!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Yes! Yes, I think it worked!  You are 
                         going to be parents!
 
                                     DOI 3
                         Yeah!

                                     DOI 2
                         We did it!

                                     JAKOV
                         Now I can be like all the other guys 
                         in South Park!
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, do we really want another one 
                         of these things hanging around?
 
               [The Marsh house. A football game is heard inside. Next, several 
               men are behind or sitting on the sofa. Seated are Randy, Gerald, 
               and Stuart, and behind are Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison. 
               Jakov is seated next to them on a folding chair. Jakov will now 
               know what it is to be one of the guys.]
 
                                     COMMENTATOR
                         ...and Bubby Brister is having a great 
                         first quarter! Let's see what trickery 
                         he uses here. Here's the snap, and he's 
                         down-
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Thanks for inviting me to watch the 
                         game, guys!
 
                                     RANDY
                         No problem, Jakov.

                                     COMMENTATOR
                         To the 40-yard line!

                                     MEN
                         Yea!

                                     JAKOV
                         Go Niners! Ni-ners!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         We're rooting for the Broncos here, 
                         Jakov!
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Oooops!

                                     COMMENTATOR
                         ...to Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the 
                         40, the 30,... 
 
                                     JAKOV
                         You guys know what?  This one time, 
                         I was watching this rabbit, a a brown 
                         rabbit-
 
                                     COMMENTATOR
                         He breaks another tackle, and the ball 
                         is loose!
 
                                     JAKOV
                         You guys know what... happened? It touched 
                         Junjum right in front of me.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to 
                         the store and get some more... pretzels?
 
                         
                                     JAKOV
                         Sure. You got money?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Here- here you go. And and don't go 
                         to the store down the block. The one 
                         four miles away in Fairplay has better 
                         pretzels.
 
                                     JAKOV
                          Cool beans.  Oopsie. I'll be right 
                         back. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay.
 
                         
                                     THE OTHERS
                         Yyup.

               [The house of the jakovasaurs. The boys, the agents, Jimbo, Mephesto, 
               the Mayor, and Sheila are all present]
 
                                     DOI 1
                         Amazing! The gestation period was only 
                         four days.
 
                                     DOI 2
                         At that rate, we could repopulate the 
                         jakovasaurs in just a few years.
 
                                     JUNJUN
                         Doe-wooop!

                                     DOI 1
                         Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna 
                         be fine, just fine.
 
                                     DOI 3
                         Just fine.

                                     DOI 2
                         Fine.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing 
                         have a baby.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their 
                         race will become extinct.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Maybe their baby will be still-born, 
                         like Cartman was. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! I might have been still-born, but 
                         at least I got better!
 
                                     DOI 2
                         Here we go.

                                     JUNJUN
                         Doe-woooop!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Behold, the miracle of childbirth!
 
                         
                                     JUNJUN
                         Dowoop! 

                                     KYLE
                         Gross!

                                     JUNJUN
                         Dowoop! 

                                     ALL
                         Hooray!

                                     DOI 3
                         This is the first step in bringing the 
                         species back from the brink of extinction! 
                         
 
                                     JUNJUN
                         Dowoooop! Dowoop!

                                     DOI 2
                         Looks like there might be a second one.
 
                         
                                     DOI 1
                         Wow! That would be a great start for 
                         them. 
 
                                     ALL
                         Hooray! 

                                     MAYOR
                         She's a cannon! 

                                     DOI 1
                         Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Aren't they cute, you guys?

                                     STAN
                          Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good 
                         thing.
 
                                     JUNJUN
                         Huh-owhoa-o-woop! 

                                     DOI 1
                         Huh?!  Whoa-o-whoa!

               [South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Class is now in session.]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ho-okay, children, we have some new 
                         students joining us today. Let's all 
                         be warm and welcome them to our class. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, it's crowded in here.

                                     JAKOVASAUR BOY
                          I like school!

                                     JAKOVASAUR GIRL
                         Bo-woop!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to 
                         our normal lesson plan and start the 
                         day with history.  Now, does anyone 
                         know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles 
                         in 1972?  Yes?
 
                                     JAKOVASAUR BOY
                         I don't know.

                                     JAKOVASAUR GIRL
                         Bo-woop!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         O-kay, is there anyone who can answer 
                         the question?
 
                                     JAKOVASAUR KID 1
                          I can't.

                                     JAKOVASAUR KID 2
                         Me neither.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Damnit, you don't raise your hand if 
                         you don't know!
 
                                     JAKOVASAUR KID 2
                         Oh.

                                     JAKOVASAUR KID 3
                         O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop!

                                     JAKOVASAUR KID 4
                         Ooo! Fight! Fight! 

                                     JAKOVASAUR KID 5
                         School, school! I like school! 

                                     JAKOVASAURS
                         School, school! I like school!

               School, school! I like school!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, this sucks ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs 
                         are so cool. 
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         This is insane, Mr. Garrison. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          It sure is, Mr. Hat. 

               [The bar, that night. Many of the town's adults are inside chatting 
               away, including the Mayor]
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Now, folks, I know we're all a little 
                         worried about the jakovasaurs, and I 
                         want to hear you all out!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining 
                         my classroom. I can't teach our kids 
                         anything!
 
                                     ALL
                         Yeah!

                                     CHEF
                         And those jakovasaur eat three times 
                         as much as normal children! I can't 
                         keep up!
 
                                     ALL
                         Yeah!

                                     MAN
                         Totally!

                                     TRASHMAN
                         And they're creating more trash than 
                         we can handle, too!
 
                                     MAN
                         Totally!

                                     ALL
                         Yeah!

                                     MAN
                         Listen to her!

                                     MAN 2
                         And what about little Laura, the Williams 
                         kid? If she doesn't get that heart-valve 
                         operation, she could die.  Yeah! Yeah, 
                         that's right!
 
                                     MAYOR
                         All right, all right. It's obvious we 
                         have to do something, but we can't just 
                         make them leave.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         We just encourage them to find someplace 
                         better.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, 
                         annoying, and stupid. Where would they 
                         fit in?
 
               [The house of the jakovasaurs, next day. The Mayor and others 
               are talking to Jakov and Junjun]
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Memphis?

                                     MAYOR
                         Yes, Memphis.  You jakovasaurs would 
                         love it there.
 
                                     JAKOV
                         I don't know. I like South Park a lot. 
                         What do you think, honey?
 
                                     JUNJUN
                         G'ooh-woo-ooop!

                                     JAKOV
                         Yeah.

                                     MAYOR
                         But everyone in South Park wishes they 
                         could live in Memphis. Right? 
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Okay, we'll move to Memphis!

                                     SOME MEN
                         Yea!

                                     OTHERS
                         Hooray! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, Jakov, how's it going?

                                     JAKOV
                         Great, Eric! We're moving.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Moving?

                                     JAKOV
                         Me, Jun and the family are heading to 
                         the Promised Land of Memphis.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You... can't leave. You're my friend.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best.

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Jakov, please don't go.  You make everything 
                         in South Park fun.  You brought life 
                         to this whole town. It would suck without 
                         you.
 
                                     JAKOV
                         It would?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. These people, Jakov, these people 
                         need you. I need you. Please, Jakov. 
                         Stay?
 
                                     JAKOV
                         O-kay. I like South Park best of all. 
                         We're staying!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys! 
                         
 
               [Outside. Everyone leaves the house disappointed]

                                     MAYOR
                         Now what do we do?

                                     DOI 1
                         Don't worry, We've come up with a plan.
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                         You have?

                                     DOI 1
                         Yes. We're leaving.

                                     ALL
                         What??

                                     DOI 1
                         We're getting the hell out of here and 
                         away from those God-damned things.
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                         You can't leave.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. Who would take care of them?

                                     DOI 2
                         Little boy, we're making you an honorary 
                         Department of Interior person.  So now, 
                         you are officially in charge of South 
                         Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority 
                         over all of them.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I have authoriteh?

                                     DOI 2
                         That's right. And people must respect 
                         it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, that should be fine, just fine. 
                         
 
                                     DOI 2
                         Fine, just fine.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman 
                         with authoritah!
 
                                     DOI 2
                         Bye-bye, now. 

               [The Jakovasaurs' house, later that week.]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to... Jakovasaurs! on Comedy 
                         Central. 
 
                                     JAKOV
                          Hi, honey! I'm home!  Wooooo!  Boy, 
                         it was rough at work today. I've never 
                         seen so much coffee.
 
                                     JUNJUN
                         Booo-wooop?

                                     JAKOV
                         No, in the boss's lap. 

                                     BOY
                         Hello, dad.

                                     JAKOV
                         Hello, son. How was your day?

                                     BOY
                         Oh, not so good. Something really strange 
                         happened.
 
                                     JAKOV
                         What? You mean MTV played a video that 
                         wasn't Will Smith? 
 
                                     BOY
                         Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and 
                         a bag came to the door. He just left 
                         this li'l piece of paper with a stamp 
                         on it. 
 
                                     JAKOV
                         That's called a mailman. He takes care 
                         of mail.
 
                                     BOY
                         Oh! He took care of mom, too. 

                                     JAKOV
                         You're a nut! Let me see that letter. 
                          It's from a game show. The Mayor has 
                         invited me to compete. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hi, Jakov.  What the hell is that?  
                         Who's laughing?
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete 
                         on a game show in South Park! Big prizes, 
                         an all-expense paid vacation-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, that's cool. I can help you get 
                         ready. 
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Woo, woo! 

               [While Cartman visits Jakov, the other boys are in the Mayor's 
               office with several townsfolk. Liane is there, too]
 
                                     MAYOR
                          Come onn, come on!  Hello!

                                     JAKOV
                         Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow 
                         down the block from-
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about 
                         the game show. Congratulations! Will 
                         you do it?!
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Sure! If a free trip is involved, can 
                         my whole family go?
 
                                     MAYOR
                          Of course! That's the point! Just be 
                         ready this afternoon at the public access 
                         building, and good luck! Hope you win!! 
                         
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Cool beans!! 

                                     MAYOR
                         We've got 'em! All right. The boys here 
                         will keep little Eric Cartman distracted. 
                         Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs 
                         and bring some normalcy back to this 
                         town! Ready?
 
                                     ALL
                         Break!

               [South Park Public Access. The Mayor is hosting her own game 
               show this afternoon. To her right is Jakov, to her left Officer 
               Barbrady. Jakovasaurs cheer in the first two rows in the studio 
               audience. Jimbo approaches Ned]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, Ned! A package came for you today 
                         from Voice Box Express.
 
                                     NED
                          Oh... boy..., oh... boy.

                                     MAYOR
                          Now remember, Barbrady, all you have 
                         to do is lose!
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Right.

                                     MAYOR
                          Okay. Let's quiet down, people and 
                         jakovasaurs!  Now, as you know, the 
                         winner of this little game will get 
                         an all-expense paid trip for himself 
                         and fifty of his closest relatives to 
                         lovely France!  And, all one of you 
                         lucky constetants has to do is answer 
                         only one of these questions! Are you 
                         ready, players?
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Ready.

                                     JAKOV
                         Ready.

                                     MAYOR
                         Okay. Hands on your buzzers.

                                     JAKOV
                          Forty-seven! 

                                     MAYOR
                          You have to wait until I ask the question 
                         first.
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Sor-ry!

                                     MAYOR
                         That's okay. Hands on buzzers.

                                     JAKOV
                          Turkey sandwich!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Damn, he's quick!

                                     JAKOV
                          Oh. Sor-ry! 

                                     BARBRADY
                         No, I'm sorry. 

                                     JAKOV
                          No, it's my fault. I'm sorry.

                                     BARBRADY
                          No, it's all me. Uh, my bad.

                                     JAKOV
                         Sorry.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Sorry. 

                                     MAYOR
                         Will somebody please unplug the God-damned 
                         buzzers?! 
 
                                     STAGEHAND
                          Got it!

                                     MAYOR
                         Now, can we get on with this? First 
                         question: What color is blue? 
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Blue? 

                                     MAYOR
                         What?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Uh. Blue is blue?

                                     JAKOV
                         Awww, did I lose?

                                     MAYOR
                         What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on.  You're 
                         supposed to lose, you idiot!
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Where am I?

                                     MAYOR
                         Just don't answer any more questions, 
                         got it?
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Okie-dokie.

                                     MAYOR
                         Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're 
                         playing best out of three!
 
               [The woods. Stan and Kyle lead Cartman along. Cartman is in uniform.]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         What are we doing out here, you guys? 
                         I wanna see if Jakov wins that game 
                         show.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, he'll win. Don't worry.

                                     KYLE
                         We just have to show you this new species 
                         because you're the Department of Interior 
                         guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten 
                         by bears.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can 
                         classify this new species.  Well, this 
                         should be fine, just fine. Just fine, 
                         fine.
 
                                     KYLE
                          There it is!  That must be of the antelope 
                         family.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          That's Kenny with branches on his head. 
                          Why did you bring me all the out here, 
                         you guys?
 
                                     STAN
                          Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South 
                         Park suck. You have to understand that.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, what does that have to do with 
                         me being all the way out...? Wait a minute. 
                         You're distracting me! That game show 
                         is a fix! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman! Wait!

                                     KENNY
                         (Hey you guys, wait up for me!)  (Waaah!) 
                         
 
               [South Park Public Access. The game show continues. Barbrady 
               is ahead 7-0]
 
                                     MAYOR
                         What's two plus two, Jakov?

                                     JAKOV
                         I don't know!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Four? 

                                     MAYOR
                         Jakov, what is your name? 

                                     BARBRADY
                         Jakov 

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh, screw it. Jakov wins! 

                                     JAKOV
                         I do? 

                                     MAYOR
                         You and your entire family are going 
                         to wonderful and exotic France!
 
                                     JAKOV
                         Hooray!

                                     MAYOR
                         All right, everybody. Let's get them 
                         to the airport!  Let's go, people! There's 
                         no time to lose! 
 
               [South Park Airport. The jakovasaurs are being whisked into the 
               plane as quickly as possible]
 
                                     JAKOV
                          But what about our clothes? Shouldn't 
                         we pack first?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov.
 
                         
                                     JAKOV
                         Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll 
                         send stuff from France!
 
                                     CROWD
                         Good-bye!

                                     JAKOV
                          Werrr. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Jakov!

                                     JIMBO
                         Close the door! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Open this door!

                                     LIANE
                         Eric, this is for the best.

                                     CARTMAN
                          I am Department of Interior guy, and 
                         I have authoritah!  No! Jakov, don't 
                         go!
 
                                     JAKOV
                          Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well... Fine. 

                                     LIANE
                          Eric, it's important for you to understand-.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't, mother! Just, don't.

                                     MAYOR
                          I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned 
                         something today. You see, animal species 
                         come and go. It's all a part of natural 
                         evolution.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct 
                         if we hadn't interfered. Because their 
                         particular form of life simply wasn't 
                         practical.
 
                                     NED
                          We can't go around saving every form 
                         of life, any more than we can kill them 
                         all. We have to let nature run its course. 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks!

                                     NED
                         I know. I'm still trying to find my 
                         old one.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Well, then. What say we all go get some 
                         ice cream!
 
                                     CROWD
                         Hooray!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No. That's okay. I'll see you guys. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so 
                         much about something.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. I guess he finally found something 
                         that's as annoying as he is.
 
               [The Café Grenouille in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower in in 
               the background. An accordionist plays]
 
                                     WAITER
                         Bonjour.

                                     WOMAN
                          Bonjour.

                                     WAITER
                         Café?

                                     WOMAN
                         Oui. 

                                     JAKOV
                          Come on, kids! Let's go find some pyramids! 
                          Woops! Aaaah! 
 
                                     MAN
                          C'est drôle et amusant (That was SO 
                         FUNNY!!) 
 
                                     ACCORDIONIST
                         (I love its antics!!!)

                                     BLONDE
                         Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's 
                         just like Jerry Lewis!!!) 
 
               [End of Jakovasaurs]

Jakovasaurs



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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