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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 601


                                  "JARED HAS AIDES"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Cartman's hosue, living room, day. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle are 
               on the sofa laughing as Cartman does some prank calls]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Shu- shut up you gurs, shut up you 
                         guys. 
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Herro, Shitty Wok, take your order prease.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello, is this City Wok?

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Yes, this Shitty Wok.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh, yes, we'd like one order of the 
                         City Beef.
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                          Shitty Beef...

                                     KYLE
                         Aha, and I'll have the City Chicken.
 
                         
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                          Shitty Chicken... 

                                     STAN
                         Oh, dude, look!  It's that commercial 
                         with the guy that lost 400 pounds eating 
                         at Subway Sandwiches!
 
               [Commercial. The first thing on the screen is a submarine sandwich. 
               It pans across the screen. ]
 
                                     SINGER
                         He's still lookin' good!

               [a man appears eating a footlong subway sandwich. The name "JARED 
               VOGLE" appears on the screen near the bottom]
 
               His name is Jared

               [he struts down a sidewalk. "LOST 262 LBS." appears on the screen]
 
               
               His name is Jared and he likes to eat the sandwiches...

               [a side shot of Jared walking smoothly behind a white picket 
               fence in Downtown, then of slices of a party sub, then of the 
               first sandwich]
 
               [Cartman living room. Butters walks in]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh hey, fellas.

                                     STAN
                         Hey Kenny

                                     BUTTERS
                          Now gosh darnit, my name's not Kenny! 
                         Kenny's dead, and you're all gonna have 
                         to learn to deal with it!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, Not-Kenny.

               [Commercial continues]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Hey South Park!  You can meet Jared 
                         IN PERSON March 6th at the Kenny McCormick 
                         Memorial Town Square!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Woh, boy! Jared's comin' to town!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! That's today!

                                     STAN
                         We've gotta get down there! Come on, 
                         Not-Kenny! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Now gosh darnit, my name's not Not-Kenny!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, come on, Not-Not-Kenny.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wo-ah I'm getting steamed now. 

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                          Hello! City Wok! City Wok I take your 
                         order prease!
 
               [Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, moments later. A crowd 
               is in front of the stage waiting for Jared, with people holding 
               up signs saying "We Love Jared" "We Love You Jared!!" "Jared 
               for President", etc. The boys walk up to Mr. Garrison. Kyle taps 
               him.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Excuse me. Could we get through here?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hell no! I've been savin' this spot 
                         for six hours! 
 
               His name is Garrison, Mr. Garrison. He lost ten pounds takin' 
               Jared's lead-
 
                                     RANDY
                         Here he comes! 

                                     SINGER
                         He's still lookin' good, with all those... 
                         sub sandwiches... 
 
                                     JARED
                         Thank you all so much. You know what? 
                         After a year of eating delicious sub 
                         sandwiches, I've proven weight loss 
                         is easy!  And I promise you, I will 
                         always be your faithful leader in easy 
                         weight loss!
 
                                     SOME MEN
                         Alright!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted 
                         and lost weight. He is sooo cool.
 
                         
               [South Park, later. A knock is heard and a door opens. Jared 
               is seen eating a sub at a desk. A worker peaks in]
 
                                     WORKER
                         Mr. Vogle, some fans wanted to see if 
                         you'd sign their sandwich?
 
                                     JARED
                         Sure, let 'em in.  Hi kids. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow, Jared!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Did you really lose all that weight 
                         eating nothing but sub sandwiches?
 
                         
                                     JARED
                         I sure did! And- Well- Well I, I also 
                         had a little help on the side.
 
                                     STAN
                         What kind of help?

                                     JARED
                         Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big 
                         part of it. But the way that I lost 
                         so much weight was that I got aides.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh, AIDS?

                                     JARED
                         That's right. I got aides about two 
                         years ago and I've been losing weight 
                         ever since. It's amazing how slim you 
                         can get with aides.
 
                                     STAN
                         I'll bet you can.

                                     JARED
                         Would you like to meet them?

                                     KYLE
                          Them?

                                     JARED
                         My aides. Scott, Tyler!  Scott is my 
                         personal trainer  and Tyler is my dietician.
 
                         
                                     SCOTT, TYLER
                         Hello.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, "a i d E s" aides.

                                     JARED
                         Yep. Hooray for aides!

                                     KYLE
                         Well, that's not really what you say 
                         in the commercial.
 
                                     JARED
                         I know. You kinda have to read the fine 
                         print at the bottom of the screen. It 
                         says I only ate a half-sized lean turkey 
                         sandwich with no mustard or mayo or 
                         anything like that and then had proper 
                         diet and exercise aides.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But you're lying to people. If they 
                         knew that you didn't eat just all the 
                         sandwiches you want, you might not be 
                         so popular.
 
                                     JARED
                         You, you think so. Well, why... should 
                         it matter?
 
                                     KYLE
                         It matters, dude. 

                                     JARED
                         Hmmm.

               [Main Street, moments later. The boys walk along...]

                                     KYLE
                         That penisbutt didn't lose weight eating 
                         sub sandwiches. He lost weight because 
                         he ate less of them and exercised.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, it's only in America that somebody 
                         can become famous just because they 
                         go from being a big fatass to not being 
                         a big fatass.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ohmigod!  You guys! I think I'm having 
                         a genius moment. Yes. Yes! Its coming 
                         to me now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That that's diarrhea.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Noo. Don't you see what this all means? 
                         Anybody could do what he did. What's 
                         to stop someone else from going to say, 
                         City Wok, and cutting a deal with them? 
                         Say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese 
                         food, but then eat only a little tiny 
                         bit of it and exercise.
 
                                     STAN
                          Then City Wok could say their food 
                         makes them lose weight.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          That's right Stan.  It's a cash cow 
                         I tell you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's a great idea!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Lose weight and make money. I tell you 
                         this is gonna be the greatest thing 
                         that Butters has ever done.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Meee???

                                     CARTMAN
                         Weh- who do you think I'm talkin' about, 
                         Butters? Joyce de Witt?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, no, I thought you meant you. Eh 
                         you're the fat one.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't lose weight, Butters, 'cause 
                         I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. You can't 
                         slim down bones, stupid!
 
                                     KYLE
                         But Butters isn't fat.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's my whole point. First we fatten 
                         him up, then we make the deal with City 
                         Wok, then take the weight back off.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         He's right. If Butters is naturally 
                         skinny, he'll be able to take the weight 
                         off faster.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Buut fellas, if I get fat my parents 
                         will ground me.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh come on! Just think about how famous 
                         you'll be!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         You mean like Jared?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah dude! You'll be just like Jared!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Well the heck with that! You said Jared 
                         was a penisbutt!
 
                                     STAN
                         You wouldn't be a penisbutt, Butters, 
                         you'd be famous. Just think about all 
                         those people following you around, singing 
                         songs to you just because you lost some 
                         weight...
 
               His name is Butters, it's Butters. [the boys begin to sway for 
               each line]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He used to be fat but not no more 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         City Wok brought him down to a size 
                         4.
 
                                     STAN
                         Now he's got lots of moneys and girls
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          and a lifetime of free food at City 
                         Wok.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Wow

               [Le Place Restaurant, night. Jared is dining with a woman inside]
 
               
                                     JARED
                         Christine, you know I love you very 
                         much, and I, I can't wait for the wedding.
 
                         
                                     CHRISTINE
                         I love you too, Jared. You've changed 
                         my whole life.
 
               Her name is Jonez, Christine Jonez

               She lost forty pounds when she met Jared, and-

                                     JARED
                         Yeh, I know I know, I know. But uh... 
                         some young boys were talkin' to me earlier, 
                         and... it made me think that people 
                         might not be so proud of my weight loss 
                         if they knew something.
 
                                     CHRISTINE
                         Jared, what's this all about?

                                     JARED
                         Uh Christine, this isn't probably gonna 
                         matter to you at all, but... I have 
                         aides.
 
                                     CHRISTINE
                         Uhwwwhat???

                                     JARED
                         Yeah, I have aides. I've had aides since 
                         before we were together.  What, what 
                         are you thinking? Are you bummed?
 
                         
                                     CHRISTINE
                         Am I bummed?!  You've had AIDS all this 
                         time and you knew it?!
 
                                     JARED
                         Well of course I knew it.

                                     CHRISTINE
                         Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?!
 
                         
                                     JARED
                         I didn't think it was that big of a 
                         deal.
 
                                     CHRISTINE
                         Not that big of a deal?! I slept with 
                         you!
 
                                     JARED
                         Aren't you overreacting a little bit?
 
                         
                                     CHRISTINE
                         Well Jesus Christ! We're supposed to 
                         get married!
 
                                     JARED
                         We can still get married Christine, 
                         I mean, sure, they're my aides now, 
                         but after we get married... they'll 
                         be our aides  You'll love having aides, 
                         Christine, you really will. And when 
                         we have children, they'll have aides. 
                         It'll make things so simple!  Christine! 
                          Jeez, those boys were right. People 
                         really don't like aides. I'd better 
                         tell everyone the truth.
 
               [South Park Elementary, next day. The boys enter the kitchen 
               to get their meals.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     KYLE
                         Chef, we need Butters to gain about 
                         fifty pounds fast.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Fifty pounds? Why?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uuh, school project.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, if you want him to get really 
                         fat as fast as possible, one of you 
                         will have to marry him.
 
                                     STAN
                         Marry him?

                                     CHEF
                         It definitely worked for every woman 
                         I ever met.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh no no no! I ain't gettin' married; 
                         my parents will ground me!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, none of us wanna marry Butters.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Well uh how come? What's wrong with 
                         me?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, I guess we're gonna have to do 
                         this the old-fashioned way. Come on 
                         back, children. 
 
               [The kitchen, food preparation area. The camera pans across the 
               table showing pots, pans, and dishes with food all over the place. 
               It rests on Butters trying to finish off a plate, but struggling.]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ugh.  Wuh. Wuh I can't eat no more.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You have to! Here, have some more mayonnaise. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Chef, we need more food.

                                     CHEF
                         I'm runnin' out, children. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Damnit Butters! Keep eating or I'll 
                         kick you till you're deader than Kenny!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't 
                         joke about Kenny being dead. Enough 
                         time hasn't passed.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So how long until we can joke about 
                         it?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Twenty-two point three years. That's 
                         how long it takes for something tragic 
                         to become funny.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Woogh, that's a long time to wait.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wull I can't eat no more. I-I just keep 
                         pukin' it up.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Then eat your puke.

                                     BUTTERS
                         NO!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh come on! Japanese girls do it. 
 
                         
               [Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, later.]

                                     MAN 1
                         He's going to speak with us once again!
 
                         
                                     SINGER
                         He's still lookin' good, eatin' them 
                         sandwiches all the time... 
 
                                     JARED
                         Thank you-hoo, thank you all. Subway's 
                         is a healthy way to eat fast food and 
                         lose weight!
 
                                     JARED
                         But,  I feel like I need to come a little 
                         clean about something, uh-... it wasn't 
                         ...just Subway sandwiches that made 
                         me thin.
 
                                     JARED
                         The reason I was able to lose so much 
                         weight so quickly was that I got aides. 
                         
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Huh?

                                     MAN 3
                         What?

                                     MAN 4
                         Did he say AIDS?

                                     JARED
                         But I still wanna be the leader in a 
                         fitter America, and so I'm here to tell 
                         you, that you should ALL go out and 
                         get aides! 
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Oh my God!

                                     A WOMAN
                         Is he serious?

                                     JARED
                         Having aides - is - awesome! With aides 
                         you can literally watch the fat melt 
                         away! And with the proper mix of aides 
                         and Subway sandwiches, anything is possible! 
                         
 
               [Cartman's living room, some days later. Stan is measuring Butters' 
               girth and grins at the result. Camera zooms out]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow! He looks great!

                                     STAN
                         How do you feel, Butters?

                                     BUTTERS
                         W-well, k-kinda like Cartman.  Ow!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Get a hold of yourself, man!

                                     STAN
                         Alright, now it's time for phase 2.
 
                         
               [City Wok, moments later. The boys walk towards it and enter. 
               The owner greets them]
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Wercome to Shitty Wok. You rike to try 
                         Shitty Chicken today?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sir, we have come to offer you the business 
                         deal of a lifetime.
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         You want the Shitty Beef?

                                     KYLE
                         Nope. We wanna show the world how healthy 
                         your food is. Our fat friend here is 
                         going to lose forty pounds eating at 
                         Shitty Wok.
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Which one? I see two fat friends.

                                     CARTMAN
                          The fat one!

                                     STAN
                         We're gonna take before and after photos, 
                         and then, when he gets skinny from eating 
                         your food, we'll show the world.
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         ...Why?

                                     KYLE
                         Because then you can pay us to use our 
                         friend in commercials.
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Oh! You mean like-a Jared!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Just like Jared.

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         His name is Jared, he lose some weight. 
                         Shitty Wok food sure sells great. Yeah, 
                         okay. That sound good. Saw if he lose 
                         weight eating Shitty Wok, I pay use 
                         to use him in commercial.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         All right!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sir, we are in business!

               [Subway company boardroom, day. Jared has been called in to see 
               the board]
 
                                     JARED
                          Well, I appreciate your company doing 
                         everything it's done for me.
 
                                     SUBWAY REP 2
                          Yes, well, it is now the opinion of 
                         all of us that perhaps it would be best 
                         for you to take your... strange theories 
                         on weight loss elsewhere.
 
                                     JARED
                          ...'Scuse me ...am I being fired?
 
                         
                                     SUBWAY REP 3
                          Jared, it's just that your new take 
                         on weight loss is contrary to our commetment 
                         to good health.
 
                                     JARED
                         How so?

                                     JARED
                          Ah hah. 

                                     SINGER 2
                         His name is Jared. Jared lost weight 
                         eating Subway and ... sandwiches of
 
                         
               [Flex Gym Fitness Club, day]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Come on, Butters, you gotta get skinny 
                         again!  You are such a flabby hunk of 
                         crap!! Look at those jelly rolls!! Jelly 
                         rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven 
                         chins, boah!! You'll never be thin!! 
                         Nobody loves you!!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom 
                         and dad - love me even if I am fat.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Butters, I'm just trying to offer some 
                         motivational help here.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well alright then.

                                     CARTMAN
                          ROW you fat bitch!! Look at those jelly 
                         rolls!! Nobody loves you!! You're not 
                         even a person!!
 
               [Jared's dressing room, day. Jared paces the room eating a sub 
               sandwich]
 
                                     JARED
                         I never asked to be famous; now everyone 
                         hates me! I almost wish I had never 
                         gotten aides! 
 
                                     TYLER
                         Hey now, come on. What kind of talk 
                         is that?
 
                                     JARED
                         I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna 
                         be aides-free for a while.
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't 
                         hate you.
 
                                     TYLER
                         Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous 
                         that they can't afford to hire their 
                         own aides.
 
                                     JARED
                          Wait a minute... you're right!  Yeah! 
                         I think I know how to be a celebrity 
                         again! 
 
               [City Wok, outside, later. Cartman and Kyle wait on Stan as he 
               arrives]
 
                                     STAN
                         Did you bring the camera?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, we're all set.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Guys, I think this might be a good 
                         time to discuss some business.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well what do you mean?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, when City Wok sees how skinny 
                         Butters is, they're not gonna want him 
                         to just make one commercial, they're 
                         gonna want several.
 
                                     STAN
                         That's true. Jared did like a hundred 
                         for Subway Sandwiches.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I think we're looking at a non-exclusive 
                         two-year fifty-picture deal here. My 
                         calculations put that at about four 
                         million dollars.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, I think the four million should 
                         be split evenly among the three of us, 
                         except that I should get a twenty percent 
                         pernegation fee off the gross for having 
                         come up with the idea.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey fellas.

                                     STAN
                         Butters?? What the hell are you doing??
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, you're still fat!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose 
                         it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well we're supposed to shoot yoru commercial 
                         today, you fat piece of crap!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well ah I don't know what to tell ya. 
                         Losin' weight is harder than puttin' 
                         it on.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!!

                                     STAN
                          Did you eat only once ounce of City 
                         Wok like we told you??
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well uhyeah, but ah, I don't know...
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Why are you doing this to us?

               [Butters' house, later. The boys have prepared a makeshift operating 
               table on the coffee table in the livingn room. Kyle reads from 
               a medical book, Cartman has a suction tube and pail, and Stan 
               is overseeing the operation]
 
                                     STAN
                         All prepared for liposuction surgery?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Check.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, I don't know about this, fellas.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Hey, you're the one who screwed us 
                         by not losing weight, Butters. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Okay, it says here the operation begins 
                         with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men 
                         on the left side just above the hip.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That should blah  ah here. 

                                     BUTTERS
                          Woahhh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny 
                         woulda took it like a man!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, now put one end of the tube a 
                         half an inch into the incision. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alrighty.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas. 
                         I feel woozy.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, I think it's in. 

                                     KYLE
                         The liposuction is a process of siphoning 
                         out the excess fat. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Bohogh, egh. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Waaaahh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         There it goes.

                                     KYLE
                         Alright, it's working!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw man, it tastes like that, um, you 
                         know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that 
                         Chef makes sometimes.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned 
                         fault.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Everything's getting dark...

                                     STAN
                         We've gotta hurry this up. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh yeah, keep doing that. That's working 
                         good.
 
                                     STAN
                         He's losing weight. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, whoa. Whoa! 

                                     KYLE
                         It's out of control! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa, everything's getting sparkly. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, crap!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, bail! 

                                     LINDA
                         Butters? BUTTERS??

                                     BUTTERS
                          Mom. Dad.

                                     CHRIS
                         Butters. Are you having liposuction 
                         surgery? Tell me the truth!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yes sir.

                                     LINDA
                         This is unbelievable! How many times 
                         have we told you not to have self-performed 
                         liposuction surgery in our house?!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Four times, mom.

                                     CHRIS
                         Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You 
                         get up to your room right now, mister!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yes, sir. 

                                     CHRIS
                         Oh huh don't you give us that look young 
                         man! You're gonna get it!
 
               [News 4 News, day. A field reporter stands in front of the Mayor's 
               office. The mayor and her aides are present]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing out in front of the 
                         Mayor's office, where the big liar, 
                         Jared, is once again about to speak. 
                         Apparently, Jared hopes to regain his 
                         celebrity hero status, which was lost 
                         when he announced that it was AIDS, 
                         not sub sandwiches, that caused him 
                         to lose weight. Let's listen in.
 
               [The podium. Jared stands behind it]

                                     JARED
                         Ladies and gentlemen, a- at first I 
                         didn't understand why you felt betrayed 
                         by the fact that my aides helped me 
                         to lose weight, but now I understand 
                         that it isn't fair that- I had aides 
                         and most of you don't. And so, with 
                         all the money I've made from commercials, 
                         I have decided to start the Aides for 
                         Everyone Foundation!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         What??

                                     JARED
                         I am going to personally see to it that 
                         each and every one of you gets aides! 
                         
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         This guys' insane.

                                     JARED
                         But I won't stup there. I'm gonna seek 
                         out all the underprivileged and hungry 
                         children of the world, and I'm giong 
                         to give them aides myself!
 
                                     CHEF
                         You're gonna give children AIDS?!

                                     JARED
                         Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful 
                         child on this earth has aides by next 
                         month! Aides for everyone!! 
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Get him! 

               [Butters' house, some days later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show 
               up at the front door, and Cartman rings the bell]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Butters. Time to go.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh go where?

                                     KYLE
                         To City Wok so we can make our money. 
                         God!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been 
                         grounded for havin' lipo-suction... 
                         surgery. 
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wuh well I told you my parents would 
                         be sore, and they said for... havin' 
                         liposuction surgery, I can't play outside 
                         for five days.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, we just need you to come down 
                         to City Wok real quick so they can see 
                         how skinny you are!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Well you guys have already got me in 
                         dutch for gettin' fat, and then I got 
                         in double-dutch for... havin' liposuction, 
                         and now you're askin' me to be in triple 
                         dutch?!  Huh uh! I'll never be that 
                         dutch!
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Kenny would have done it.

                                     KYLE
                         Yup.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do you guys remember what a cool friend 
                         Kenny was?  God.  He was always up for 
                         helpin' us out; man, he was the best 
                         friend ever.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Look, fellas, I can't do it! My mom 
                         and dad call in every hour from work 
                         to make sure I am here. If I don't answer 
                         the ph-phone, it'll tell 'em I'm up 
                         to no good!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright alright, I'll stay here and 
                         answer the phone for you.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         No- but you don't sound like me.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well you don't sound like me. My name 
                         is Butters and I'm a little pussy who 
                         won't halp his friends make money.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wow, that was pretty good.

                                     STAN
                         Alright, it's settled.Come on, Butters. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't forget, a third of that four million 
                         dollars is mine! 
 
               [Stotch living room, inside. Cartman moves to the sofa]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh.  Eh. Yeah.  Well hello?

                                     CHRIS
                          I'm just checkig in on you, Butters. 
                          Heh- Do I hear the television? We told 
                         you no television while you're grounded!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. uhwatchin' television, 
                         Dad, I'm just... layin' around jackin' 
                         it.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Jacking it? Jacking what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well my hot spicy boner, of course, 
                         Dad.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         What?! Are you trying to get yourself 
                         in more trouble with that kind of language?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well ah, loosen up, you vaginal belch.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh!! You are gonna get it, mister!! 
                         You just wait till I get home!1
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Bring it on, queer bait.  Aaaahhhh, 
                         yes! 
 
               [Day, somewhere. Jared has a bat and is beating the hell out 
               of something...]
 
                                     JARED
                         ...I tell my  girlfriend I have aides 
                         and she leaves, I tell the  world to 
                         get aides and they think I'm crazy, 
                         I offer to give aides to kids and everyone 
                         wants me  dead!  What's wrong with  
                         aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me to 
                         give them  aides?! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         There he is, beatin' that dead horse!
 
                         
                                     MAN IN CROWD
                         Alright!

                                     JIMBO
                         Let's get him! 

                                     JARED
                         Aahhh!!

               [City Wok. Stan, Kyle, and Butters arrive and enter]

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Welcome t'Shitty Wok. Take your order 
                         prease.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We have great news! Our friend has lost 
                         forty pounds eating your City Wok food. 
                         Here's the before and after photos.
 
                         
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         He lose weight eating Shitty Wok?

                                     STAN
                         That's right! So now you can pay us 
                         to use him in your commercials and you'll 
                         have your very own Jared!
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared 
                         in my Shitty Wok commercial
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh why not?

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared. 
                         He want everyone in world to havd AIDS. 
                         He sick in the head.
 
                                     STAN
                         What??

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing 
                         to do with Jared land his AIDS.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wait. Everyone hates Jared now?

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Yah they, they gonna kill him. They 
                         gonna kill Jared downtown right now.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Awgh, come on guys, we gotta sort this 
                         out. 
 
               [Butters' house, living room. Cartman has eaten quite a bit of 
               food (soda, milk, candy, Cheesy Poofs) and is watching TV - a 
               Terrance & Phillip episode. Only their voices are heard]
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Here's a man's fart for ya. 

                                     TERRANCE
                         God no!  Oh, Phillip, your anthrax has 
                         given me colon cancer!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello?

                                     LINDA
                          Butters, your father called and said 
                         you made him very upset!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, well, Dad's being a little pussy, 
                         Mom.
 
                                     LINDA
                          Butters, where did you get that kind 
                         of smart mouth?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for 
                         sure.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Oh, you just weit till I get home, mister!!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells 
                         on, you old... horse-bangin' skank. 
                          Hah. 
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Ey! There's some anthrax over there! 
                         
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh no, hahahahahahaha.

               [Downtown, Mayor's office, outside, day. The corwd has captured 
               Jared and taken him back downtown. A gallows is set up and Jared 
               has had the noose placed around his neck. Two men finish and 
               walk off. The Mayor stands off to one side with her aides.]
 
               
                                     JARED
                         Why did I ever do those stupid commercials?
 
                         
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do 
                         you have anything to say before you 
                         die??
 
                                     KYLE
                          Wait!  You're all making a mistake!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Stand back, children! Jared wants to 
                         give you AIDS!
 
                                     STAN
                         No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't 
                         have "AIDS" aids, he has assistants. 
                         Two guys that help him lose weight that 
                         he calls his aides.
 
                                     PEOPLE IN CROWD
                          Oh.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         You mean, Jared's aides are like my 
                         aides?
 
                                     JARED
                         Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...? 
                         Oh my Gosh!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         Oh boy, do I feel stupid.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh we're so sorry, Jared

                                     JARED
                         No no, hey it was my fault. I can't 
                         believe I I, I didn't think of what 
                         I was saying! 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Eh so he was saying, children should 
                         have help like he had! 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest 
                         misunderstanding EVER!! 
 
                                     JARED
                          Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted 
                         her to share my "AIDS" - oh, no wonder 
                         she left!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Cuh-can you imagine what we thought 
                         when you said, "Aides for Everyone Foundation"?
 
                         
                                     JARED
                         Oh, brother!

                                     SKEETER
                         Aha-  ...Hey. We're all laughing. 
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed 
                         about this before.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well don't you see what this means? 
                         It's been 22.3 years, so... AIDS is 
                         finally funny!
 
                                     PEOPLE IN CROWD
                         Ooohhh.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         He's right. It happened!

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny!
 
                         
                                     PEOPLE IN CROWD
                         Alright! Yay! Woohoo!  Hooray!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I knew it would be funny someday!  AIDS!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Then it's time! We can undo the banner! 
                         
 
               [Cut to Times Square, where the crawl reads "3-06-02 AIDS HAS 
               BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED FUNNY"]
 
                                     NEW YORKER
                         Hooray!

               [Cut to Mayor's office, outside. Everyone now has party hats 
               on and are celebrating. The field reporter resumes reporting]
 
               
                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in the town square 
                         where just moments ago it was declared 
                         that AIDS... can finally be joked about. 
                         What a great day for humanity
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          "AIDS quilt" 

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad 
                         AIDS is funny now.
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend 
                         in your commercials?
 
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Sure. Can I pay you fifteen dowlar
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions!
 
                         
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok. 
                         Shitty Wok don't have... million dollars.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Oh God-damnit

                                     KYLE
                         Aw, just forget the whole thing then!
 
                         
                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         Okay.  Hey, you kids know why chicken 
                         cross the road?
 
                                     STAN
                         Why?

                                     CITY WOK OWNER
                         'Cause it has AIDS.  AIDS so funny! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, so much for our money.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but you know, I've learned something 
                         today. It would have been wrong to exploit 
                         Butters' weight loss. Becuase then lots 
                         of fat people would have believed it. 
                         And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese 
                         food instead of dieting properly. They'd 
                         still be fat and, we'd be responsible 
                         for their shattered dreams.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, I don't like shattering fat people's 
                         dreams. Besides, I'd get grounded.  
                         Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be grounded! 
                         
 
               [Butters' house, minutes later. Butters rushes to the front door 
               ]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh. Huh, uh, uh.

                                     CARTMAN
                          There you are, Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home 
                         yet?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, but they're due home any minute. 
                         Come on, you're just in time!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find 
                         out I... left the house, did they?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, I totally covered for you. They 
                         completely believed I was you on the 
                         phone.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hu-oh! Goody!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here you go.  I drew some pictures with 
                         crayons so it looks like you were here 
                         all day. And I ate a little food so 
                         it looks like you ate, and I fed your 
                         cat.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh perfect.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright I'd better get out of here before 
                         they get back. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh hey, uh Eric?  Uh thanks for coverin' 
                         for me. You're a real pal.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, it was my pleasure. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hi, Mom and Dad!

                                     CHRIS
                         Don't you "Hi, Mom and Dad!" us, you 
                         little punk!! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ow. Dad?

                                     LINDA
                         You don't even know the trouble you're 
                         in, mister!! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah! What did I do? What did I do?

                                     CHRIS
                         You think you're touigh now? Answer 
                         me!! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aaaa!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally 
                         start jacking off right now.
 
               THE END

Jared Has Aides



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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