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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 309


                                     "JEWBILEE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker






               [The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are with Ike at his 
               changing table in his room.]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hold still, Ike! We have to get you 
                         dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I don't kow. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna 
                         be late for Jew Scouts!
 
               [Kyle looks in the bathroom mirror to make sure everything is 
               set, and hums. Both he and Kyle have little pigtails hanging 
               from their hair.]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                         I'm coming, Ma! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Go get the door, Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                          "Get ready," "answer the door," Jesus 
                         Christ, make up your frickin' mind! 
                         
 
               [The living room. Kyle walks across to the front door and opens 
               it]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh! Hey, Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                         (Kyle, I'm gonna camp and watch the 
                         meteor shower. Do you wanna come and 
                         see it with me?)
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can't watch the meteor shower with 
                         you, Kenny. I have to go to Jewbilee.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (What's that?)

                                     KYLE
                         It's what we do in Jew Scouts. Usually 
                         we just sit around and make stuff. But 
                         tonight, because there's a meteor shower, 
                         we're gonna do some big thing out in 
                         the woods. It's gonna suck ass, I'm 
                         sure.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh, that's alright.)

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Maybe you can come with me. Then 
                         it won't suck so hard.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Really?) 

                                     KYLE
                         Mom? Can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         ...Uhwell, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a 
                         ...special thing.
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...Oh. Kenny isn't special?

                                     KENNY
                         (Aw.)

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No, no, you're very special, Kenny. 
                         It's just that... well, Jewbilee is... for 
                         Jewish kids. 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You see boys, Jew Scouts is a special 
                         group that borrows a little bit from 
                         all different Jewish denominations. 
                         From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic 
                         Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews... 
                         But you have to believe the basic tenets 
                         of Judaism to be a Scout.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny'll believe whatever you want him 
                         to.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, eh, the problem is-

                                     KYLE
                         Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has 
                         anywhere else to be tonight.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, all right. Just don't let any of 
                         the elders know that he isn't Jewish, 
                         okay?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!)

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Come on, Ike!  It's time to go to Squirts!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Squirts?)

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You have to be in Squirts if you're 
                         too young to be a Jew Scout.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh.)

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Don't worry, Kenny. I'll fill you in 
                         on our faith on the way up there. 
 
                         
               [In the car. The family and Kenny drive south as a full moon 
               rises. Sheila gives a quick overview of the Old Testament, or 
               Tanakh]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore 
                         him no children. She had a handmaid, 
                         an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And 
                         Sarai said unto Abraham, "Behold now, 
                         the Lord hath restrained me from bearing. 
                         I pray thee, go into my maid."
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh.)

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then 
                         said to kill. But that was just a little 
                         silly trick to see if Abraham would 
                         do it.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh!)

                                     IKE
                         Eng jeck. 

                                     KYLE
                         No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his 
                         Squirt uniform!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Ike, you behave!

                                     IKE
                         Buwor? 

                                     KYLE
                         No, Ike!

                                     IKE
                         Buh buh buh buh 

                                     KYLE
                         I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts, 
                         and so was I. You have to go so someday 
                         you can be a big brave Jew Scout.
 
                         
                                     IKE
                         No-o 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What? You want me to lie?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah, lie.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh. Ike, Squirts is so much fun-

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh my God, what is that?! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey, it's a bear! 

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, cool.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         This retreat really is out of the way, 
                         isn't it?
 
               [The Jew Scout camp. The sign on the entrance reads, "WELCOME 
               TO JEWBILEE." They reach the Jew welcome station]
 
                                     RANGER
                         Welcome to Jewbilee. You folks find 
                         it okay?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah.  Actually, we saw a bear a few 
                         miles back.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He was huge.

                                     RANGER
                         Yeah. We spotted him a few days ago. 
                         Nothing to worry about, though. Your 
                         boys are safe with us.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I'm sure they are.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         We'llbe back to pick you up after the 
                         meteor shower party, boys.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Good-bye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be 
                         safe. And Kenny?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh?)

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Try and act Jewish. 

                                     KENNY
                         (How do you do that?)

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                          Come on, Squirt! We're meeting over 
                         here! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Who are you?

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         I'm the Squirt leader. I don't want 
                         to be the Squirt leader, but I don't 
                         have a choice; it's the only way I can 
                         earn my chutzpah badge. So I gotta spend 
                         all night instructing Squirts.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You have to go with him, Ike.

                                     IKE
                         Buh buh buh buh.

                                     KYLE
                         Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun. And 
                         I'll be right over there in the next 
                         building. 
 
                                     IKE
                         Boul ball.

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Come on! 

                                     RANGER
                         Name?

                                     KYLE
                         Kyle Broflovski.

                                     KENNY
                         (Kenny McCormick.)

                                     RANGER
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         Uh, Kenny McHeinenberg.

                                     RANGER
                          Alright, get to Meshuggeneh Hall! The 
                         meeting is already starting.
 
               [On the way to Meshuggeneh Hall. Kenny is curious about the buildings, 
               naturally.]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What's that?) 

                                     KYLE
                         This is where the elders meet. Nobody 
                         is allowed to go in there when they're 
                         having a meeting.
 
               [The chamber of elders, the meeting. The Chief Elder sits on 
               a futuristic throne, from which he can look down at the other 
               elders]
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Baleilah hazein, Hame kadesh mekoh hikenazu 
                         puanazikeh hakeilah. (Now gather us, 
                         the elders, on this most holy of nights.)
 
                         
                                     ELDRES
                         Helalelah, het Moshe. (Praise Moses.)
 
                         
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         I want to welcome you all. Though we 
                         each come from a different sect of Judaism, 
                         on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray 
                         to Moses as one. Hineinih kureh leirukeshu. 
                         (May all the power of Moses show the 
                         way) Now, let us all introduce ourselves.
 
                         
                                     ELDER 1
                          Elder Carn, from the Orthodox synagogue.
 
                         
                                     ELDER 2
                          Elder Harris, from the Hasidic sect.
 
                         
                                     ELDER 3
                         Elder Garth, from the synagogue of Anti-Semites.
 
                         
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                          I don't believe I've heard of the Anti-Semitic 
                         sect of Judaism before.
 
                                     ELDER GARTH
                         We're new.

               [Squirt's Lair. Stars of David are everywhere.]

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Okay, Squirts, the elders have given 
                         us a very important task tonight. We 
                         are all going to make macaroni pictures, 
                         like this one,  using dry macaroni, 
                         paper, and glue.
 
                                     SQUIRT 1
                         How come we have to make macaroni pictures?
 
                         
                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                          Because that's what Squirts do! Now, 
                         shut your pie-hole!
 
                                     SQUIRT 2
                         What's your name?

                                     IKE
                         Nor.

                                     SQUIRT 2
                         How come your head is lookin' so... funny-looking?
 
                         
                                     IKE
                         Uh uh. 

               [Meshuggeneh Hall, the camp lodge, but inside it looks like a 
               lecture hall. The banner outside says, "Jew Scouts Meeting Hall"]
 
               
                                     ELDER
                         And that's how we'll be making tonight's 
                         craft. And so you see, Scouts, all you 
                         need is a bar of soap and a dull knife 
                         , and you can make nifty soap sculptures 
                         like these. Here's a giraffe.  And here's 
                         a cloud.  You can all pick up your bars 
                         of soap later on, as we will all be 
                         making soap sculptures tonight.  Now, 
                         this year we are pleased to announce 
                         that Jewbilee has grown to over one 
                         hundred Jew Scouts from all around the 
                         country. All new inductees, raise your 
                         hands. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand. 
                         
 
                                     ELDER
                         Uuuuhh, yess, and what is your name, 
                         young man?
 
                                     INDUCTEE
                         Junichi.

                                     ELDER
                         O-oh, wonderful, uh, uh, um.  Cuh, Could 
                         you run out and grab some- some of those 
                         candles for us?  There we go. Ahem. 
                          Now, I would like all the new inductees 
                         to step forward, please. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         This part kinda sucks, Kenny, but don't 
                         screw it up. 
 
                                     ELDER
                         Raise your left hand and repeat after 
                         me: I pleadge to be a Jew Scout.
 
                                     INDUCTEES
                         I pledge to be a Jew Scout.

                                     ELDER
                         My honor, wide and true.

                                     INDUCTEES
                         My honor, wide and true.

                                     ELDER
                         I am proud to be a Jew Scout.

                                     INDUCTEES
                         I am proud to be a Jew Scout.

                                     ELDER
                         Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.

                                     INDUCTEES
                         Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.

                                     ELDER
                          Lahit chaim.

                                     INDUCTEE 1
                         Lahit chaim. 

                                     ELDER
                         Lahit chaim.

                                     INDUCTEE 2
                         Lahit chaim. 

                                     ELDER
                         Lahit chaim.

                                     KENNY
                         (Lahit chaim.)  (Ha, Hiheh haha.)  (Hah, 
                         Oh my God!)
 
               [Squirt's Lair. Macaroni projects now due]

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made 
                         macaroni pictures of. Ishmael?
 
                                     ISHMAEL
                         Apple.

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Good. Matthew?

                                     MATTHEW
                         Cat.

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Joseph?

                                     JOSEPH
                         Triangle.

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Okay. Ike?

                                     IKE
                         Cokeshen.

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                          ...You don't make a macaroni picture 
                         of the Last Supper at a Jewish camp! 
                          What the Jeez?  Oh my God, it's that 
                         bear they've been talking about!  Where 
                         did it go?! Squirts, go grab your gear! 
                         We're gonna hunt us a bear! Then I'll 
                         get my Chutzpah badge for sure!
 
               [The Chamber of Elders]

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Elehem hav dorim, ashoseveh laoleinu. 
                         Hakadosh boruku, omasheh hachreit. (Tonight, 
                         for the meteor shower, we will pray 
                         to Moses. Then we will give Moses thanks.)
 
                         
                                     ELDER GARTH
                          Oh, enough already? What has Moses 
                         ever done for us?
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         All sects of Judaism follow the words 
                         of Moses.
 
                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is 
                         a sign of the New Time, heh. We should 
                         use it to pray to Haman and enter into 
                         a new millennium faith, and ih-
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Enough, elder! You will not speak the 
                         name of Haman here!
 
                                     ELDER GARTH
                         All you ever do is worship Moses, but 
                         it says in the Book of Centuries that 
                         Haman will one day lead the Jews.
 
                         
                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         We pray to Moses here, elder.

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         If you guys love Moses so much, why 
                         don't you marry him?!
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         We accept all denominations of Judaism 
                         here at Scouts, elder, but your synagogue 
                         of anti-Semites is too strange! Get 
                         out and do not return: you are no longer 
                         welcome here!
 
                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Fine!  Jewbilee is the time of Haman! 
                         You will all see how wrong you are, 
                         very soon! When Haman returns from the 
                         Ninth Tower of Disillusionment, and 
                         smotes Moses and all his followers into 
                         pillars of dust that would cry for their 
                         petty lives but can't, having recently 
                         been turned into dust and all, you will 
                         see! You will see thie very night! 
 
                         
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Hello!

               [The Campfire. The Jew Scouts form a ring around it and sit. 
               Kyle and Kenny stand behind the chief elder.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the 
                         circle.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What the fuck are we doing?)

                                     KYLE
                         This is where we all stand in a circle 
                         and pray to Moses for guidance during 
                         Jewbilee.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Uheheheheh, that's stupid.)

                                     KYLE
                         It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my 
                         faith and you shouldn't make fun of 
                         it!
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Alright, Jew Scouts, the meteor shower 
                         will start soon. Let's pray to Moses 
                         for guidance.  Moses, great leader, 
                         on this blessed night of Jewbilee, we 
                         ask for your tutelage.
 
                                     THE SCOUTS
                         May the teachings of Moses fill our 
                         ears and our hearts respectively.
 
                         
                                     ALL
                          O.

                                     ELDER GARTH
                          Stupid assholes. Moses ain't gonna 
                         teach them anything!  Do not fear, Haman. 
                         This night shall be yours, and the anti-Semitic 
                         Jews will once again rule the Earth.
 
                         
               [The Squirts and their leader march through the woods]

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         We are Squirts, we are Squirts. We're 
                         so kosher that it hurts.
 
               When we get older we'll be Scouts, but until then we are Squirts.
 
               
                                     MATTHEW
                         Oh, funt.  No!

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Oh, no!  Oh, God!  Oh, the bear took 
                         a Squirt. Oh, I'm gonna get it now!
 
                         
               [Back at the campfire, the Scouts are trying to summon Moses]
 
               
                                     ALL
                          O. 

                                     KENNY
                          (What's happening now?)

                                     KYLE
                          Sh. Shut up, Kenny. 

                                     KENNY
                         (WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!)

                                     KYLE
                          That's Moses, stupid! 

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers, 
                         want to thank you a lot for coming.
 
                         
                                     MOSES
                         The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all 
                         debts be forgiven and all slaves freed. 
                         Mwaaaaaaaaaah!
 
                                     ALL
                         Aaaaaaaaaah!

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Alright Scouts, let's all show Moses 
                         our soap sculptures so that he may rejoice 
                         and be pleased. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          It's a duck. 

               [Behind the tree. Garth reads from the Book of Centuries]

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         And it was foretold that the spirit 
                         of Moses would finally rest when his 
                         spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a 
                         conch shell of blind faith. Conch shell, 
                         like this one, hnee. 
 
               [The Campfire.]

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings 
                         of macaroni pictures. They should be 
                         here any second.  Where the hell are 
                         the Squirts?  We need those macaroni 
                         pictures for Moses right now!
 
               [The woods. The Squirt leader is setting a trap for the bear. 
               He places some bait on a tray swinging from a rope as the Squirts 
               hold the rope steady from behind a bush. Then he pours some DED 
               RAT grains onto the bait]
 
                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes 
                         rat poison.  Well now, that'll be enough 
                         to kill a stupid bear. Okay, raise the 
                         tray!  Chutzpah badge, here I come. 
                          Yikes!  Okay, here he comes. Easy now. 
                         Easy, Squirts.  Okay, Squirt, lower 
                         the tray.  That's it. That's it, you 
                         God-damned stupid bearface! 
 
                                     SQUIRT
                         Aaah!  Ah!  AAAAH!

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Jesus! Hell, he got another Squirt!
 
                         
                                     IKE
                         Mommy.

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                          You think you can stop me from getting 
                         my Chutzpah badge, you stupid bear?! 
                         Think again!
 
               [The Campfire. The Scouts now sing "Kumbaya," a spiritual]

                                     ALL
                         Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. O Lord, Kumbaya.
 
                         
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Great and honorable Moses, what do you 
                         desire from us, your children?
 
                                     MOSES
                         I desire...  I desire... mamaroni pictures.
 
                         
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Yeh yes, yes, the macaroni pictures 
                         are coming right away. Uh, anything 
                         else you want from us, O great leader 
                         of the people?
 
                                     MOSES
                         I desire... popcorn necklaces.

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         You heard him. Get to making popcorn 
                         necklaces right away!  All you need 
                         is some popcorn, and a needle and thread. 
                         
 
                                     MOSES
                         Hold!  There is... an impurity.

                                     GARTH
                          Oh no, he's on to me, Haman.

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                          An impurity, Moses?

                                     MOSES
                         This child here is not kosher.

                                     KENNY
                         (Uh oh.)  (Help me, Kyle! What are we 
                         gonna do?)
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't worry. I know what to do.

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Scout Broflovski, have you defiled Jew 
                         Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Elder, It's not my fault. He told me 
                         he was Jewish.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What?!)

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         A non-Jew has inflitrated Jew Scouts 
                         and looked upon the face of Moses! He 
                         must be dealt with!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (I'm telling you, it's Kyle you want. 
                         He's the one who tried to get me in 
                         here, and you know it.)
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         You are banished from here. You must 
                         leave before the great eating of carrot 
                         cake.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What?!)

                                     KYLE
                         He doesn't get cake??

                                     MOSES
                         No cake for the impurity!

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Go now. You do not belong here. 

                                     MOSES
                          Aaaaaaaah! 

                                     ELDER GARTH
                          Infatu camdavid. David hakum ba'ikan 
                         shtud!
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         :	Elder, what are you doing?!

                                     ELDER GARTH
                          Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht!
 
                         
                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         He's reading from the Book of Haman!
 
                         
                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Enter the conch shell, Moses! 

                                     MOSES
                          Eo! Eh! Diu! 

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         And there you shall stay, trapped for 
                         all eternity!
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Elder, what have you done?

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         I told you, the meteor shower is the 
                         time of Haman! I am running Jewbilee 
                         now!
 
                                     ELDER
                          Release Moses, now!

                                     ELDER GARTH
                          I don't think so! 

                                     SCOUT
                         When do we get to eat carrot cake?
 
                         
                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Now. All of you into that building, 
                         or I shoot you where you stand!
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         Elder, you cannot mean-.

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Move! 

               Now! Now, Haman, your time has come!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what the hell is going on?!

                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         If he summons Haman, we will all be 
                         destroyed.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh no!)

               [The woods. The Squirts still march]

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         We are Jew Squirts, we know Jewish
 
                         
               Stick stick smiley smiley Stick stick smiley smiley

               dur dur dur dur dur-

               Hold it, Squirts! This is where we'll set our trap. Everyone 
               remember your squadron. Alpha-5 and Gamma-7 will be on recon 
               teams. Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of sector 
               three. Once we're in position, I want constant contact between 
               all squad leaders. We'll flush him out and we'll attack him! 
               [the bear comes up silently and snatches another Squirt]
 
                                     SQUIRT
                         Ah! Aaaah! 

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                          Remember, this is only a bear. All 
                         we have to do is stick together, and 
                         we can spend the rest of the night making 
                         bear sandwiches!  Where's Zigmo?
 
                                     IKE
                         Noh.

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         God-damnit! You stupid God-damned son 
                         of a bear, you've taken your last Squirt! 
                         Do you hear me?!
 
               [The Campire. Elder Garth is kneeling before it, summoning Haman.]
 
               
                                     ELDER GARTH
                         And the Ancient One looked upon Haman 
                         as the new leader of the people!  And 
                         it was the night that stars flew around 
                         the sky!  Yes! Yess!!
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         If he summons Haman, it will be the 
                         end of everything we hold dear.
 
                                     SCOUT
                         I wanna go home.

               [The road. Kenny walks along the curb, then sees reflections 
               of headlights in front of him. He turns to see a car coming and 
               tries to stop it]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Stop!)  (Officer Barbrady, I really 
                         need to talk to you!)  (Shit!)
 
               [The woods. The Squirt leader takes the Squirts back to camp.]
 
               
                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         That bear thinks he can outsmart me! 
                         Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear 
                         get the-  Hold! Look over there!  It's 
                         one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe 
                         he's okay.  IT'S A TRAP!!  Damn! Damn 
                         damn damn! Okay, bear, that does it! 
                         You wanna kill all the Squirts?! You 
                         can have 'em! I give up! I don't need 
                         my Chutzpah badge, or Jew Scouts, or 
                         any of this crap! Forget it!
 
               [The campfire. The meteor shower continues]

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Let the New Tide turn! Let Haman rule 
                         his people once again!
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         No! 

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         We await your return, Haman!  Your passage 
                         is safe from the enemies!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Ah!)

               [The building. The chief elder tries to burst through the door, 
               but fails]
 
                                     CHIEF ELDER
                         It's hopeless.

                                     ELDER
                         Haman will be summoned and we will be 
                         forced to obey him, or die. 
 
                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         Uh I'm fine with obeying.

                                     ELDER
                         Yeah, obeying should work out swell. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about 
                         Kenny. Kenny will help us.
 
                                     ELDER 2
                         How?

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny will find a way.

               [The bear cave. The bear brings Kenny in.]

                                     KENNY
                         (Haaarrrrrh!)  (Huh?)

                                     SQUIRT
                         Hey, welcome to the party.  See this 
                         li'l bear cub? It's his birthday.
 
                         
                                     SQUIRT 2
                         Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over 
                         to play with him.
 
                                     BEAR CUB
                         Mrar.

                                     KENNY
                         (Aw.)  (Okay, you guys, we've gotta 
                         get back to the camp and ...)
 
                                     SQUIRT
                         They are? Uh oh.

                                     KENNY
                         (Come on, Squirts, we gotta run! We're 
                         already God-damned late!)
 
                                     SQUIRT
                         Come on, Squirts. We have to help them.
 
                         
                                     ALL
                         Yeah! 

               [The camp. The Squirt leader returns alone]

                                     SQUIRT LEADER
                         Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts! 
                         I lost all the Squirts!  Well, screw 
                         you too! I don't need your Chutzpah 
                         badge anyway! Hello? 
 
               Elder Schwartz	[the chief elder] Shlomo, get us out of here!
 
               
                                     SHLOMO
                          What the Jeez?  What are you guys doing 
                         in there?
 
               Elder Schwartz	Get the keys and unlock the door! [the Scouts 
               jump up and down]
 
                                     SCHLOMO
                         What?!

                                     ELDER SCHWARTZ
                          Get the keys and unlock the door!
 
                         
                                     SCHLOMO
                          I lost the Squirts! 

                                     ELDER SCHWARTZ
                         Look out!

                                     SCHLOMO
                         Huh? 

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Don't move!

                                     SCHLOMO
                          Oh, Jiminy gravy, what is this??

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         It's the summoning of Haman, fool! The 
                         awakening of a new kingdom, heeheh!
 
                         
                                     SCHLOMO
                         You can't wake Haman. What would Moses 
                         say?
 
                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Moses is trapped for all eternity in 
                         the conch of blind faith!
 
                                     SCHLOMO
                          Oh, no you don't!  OOWW!!

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Enough of this waste of time!  Haman! 
                         The Great Summoning is done! Upon these 
                         words let your spirit come! Einich! 
                         Hos!
 
                                     ELDER SCHWARTZ
                         It is lost.

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Zayak. Kareem! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!) 

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Hey, give that back! 

                                     ELDER SCHWARTZ
                         It's the Squirts.

                                     KYLE
                         Go, Ike!

                                     ELDER SCHWARTZ
                         Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are 
                         up there.
 
                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         They'll never reach.

                                     SQUIRT
                         Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation. 
                         
 
               [The woods. Elder Garth catches up to Kenny]

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Give me that book! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Ow!) 

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Haman will deal with you! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Ow!)

               [The camp. The Squirts have finished the pillar, with Ike at 
               the very top. Ike gets the key and the pillar falls apart to 
               form two rows of four Squirts each, and Ike alone at the top 
               of the steps. He jumps up to the padlock and unlocks it. He then 
               removes the lock. The door opens and everyone inside pours out. 
               Elder Harris moves out into the open]
 
                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         Oh, no. It's too late!

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Ramek shtud! 

                                     KYLE
                         What is that?

                                     ELDER SCHWARTZ
                         It is Haman.

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Yes! Yes! 

                                     HAMAN
                         Free! Free to punish those that imprisoned 
                         me!
 
                                     ELDER GARTH
                          Haman! It's me, Garth! I freed you!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Look! 

                                     KENNY
                         (It's okay, I'll use my head!) 

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny! Noooooo!

                                     KENNY
                         (Heeeeeyah! Ugh!) 

                                     HAMAN
                         Moses! Nooo!

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         Nooo! Eheh. Nooo!  Moses. Uh I, I apologize 
                         for any inconvenience, eheh. Uh yuh 
                         you see, I was just uh-
 
                                     MOSES
                         Die! 

                                     ELDER GARTH
                         No! Aaaaaah! Ooww! 

                                     ALL
                          Hooray!

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny! 

                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         That blow to his head must have killed 
                         him.
 
                                     ELDER CARN
                         He saved us. He saved all the Jews.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You know, I think we all learned something 
                         today. It's fine to have your own beliefs 
                         and your own traditions, but as soon 
                         as you start excluding people from your 
                         ways, only because of their race, you 
                         become separatists. And being a separatist 
                         sucks ass.
 
                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         We've learned a lot from you and your 
                         great friend, Kenny.
 
                                     MOSES
                          Every year we shall gather here in 
                         this special place and bring Kenny tidings 
                         of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.
 
                         
                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         Yes.

                                     MOSES
                         And those little shaker things where... 
                         you put beans inside of paper plates 
                         that are glued together.
 
                                     ELDER HARRIS
                         Paper-plate bean shakers.

                                     MOSES
                         And let us put patterns of glue on the 
                         outside of those paper plates so we 
                         can then pour glitter on them so they 
                         can look nice and sparkly.
 
                                     ELDER SCHWARTZ
                         You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to 
                         work!
 
               [End of Jewbilee]

Jewbilee



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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