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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 513


                                     "KENNY DIES"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Unplanned Parenthood, day. It has undergone renovation, so it 
               looks softer. It's snowing outside]
 
               [Inside, operating room. A woman is waiting on a hospital bed. 
               She's quite pregnant. A doctor enters the room with a cart housing 
               everything he needs for his work, and approaches the bed]
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Alright, Ms. Sanders, all ready for 
                         your abortion? 
 
                                     MS. SANDERS
                         Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess. 
                         
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, try to relax; It will all be over 
                         very soon. 
 
                                     MS. SANDERS
                         Docter, can we turn off that television? 
                         
 
                                     DOCTOR
                          Oh yes, I 'm sorry.

               Now, there is one more thing.

                                     MS. SANDERS
                         What?

                                     DOCTOR
                         Have you heard of stem-cell research?
 
                         
                                     MS. SANDERS
                         Uh-I've heard of it on the news, but... 
                         I don't know what it is.
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Well basically, a lot of amazing studies 
                         have shown that stem cells might be 
                         used to fight cancer and a myriad of 
                         other diseases. Right now, a lot of 
                         stem cells come from the tissue of aborted 
                         fetuses-  ah I'm sorry, unwanted children. 
                         And if you sign a release, that tissue 
                         can go to studies
 
                                     MS. SANDERS
                         Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others.
 
                         
                                     DOCTOR
                         The hope is that someday it might. 
 
                         
                                     MS. SANDERS
                         Well okay. 

                                     DOCTOR
                         Great.  Well, here we go. 

               [Hallway outside operating room. The sounds of abortion are heard, 
               but the operation itself isn't seen. A janitor passes by with 
               a vacuuum cleaner. The OR door opens and the doctor steps out 
               with a small container]
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Nurse?  This is to go to Alder's Labs 
                         for stem-cell research.
 
                                     NURSE
                         Yes, Doctor.

               [The highway, moments later. The truck rolls along to "On The 
               Road Again." and the driver joins in the singing]
 
                                     TRUCK DRIVER
                         ...going places that I've never been
 
                         
               Seeing things that I may never see a- Uuugh! [a deer leaps into 
               the read ahead of him and looks at him] Jesus Christ!! [swerves 
               to avoid the deer and goes over a cliff, tumbling down its side. 
               It lands somewhere below with its contents spilled all over the 
               place. The driver is killed on impact, but the song continues 
               to play...]
 
               [The highway, moments later. A Big Wheel rounds a corner...]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                          My baby takes the morning train and 
                         she takes another home again. Hmm.  
                         What do we have heah? 
 
               [A cow pasture, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit among the cows 
               burning cow dung. Kenny holds the match and lighter. The cows 
               around them are grazing]
 
                                     STAN
                         Well that burned a long time.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, that was pretty good. 

                                     STAN
                          Oh dude, there goes one.

                                     KYLE
                          'K go! 

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Alright!

                                     KENNY
                         (That's awesome) 

                                     KYLE
                         You've had that cough a while, Kenny. 
                         You okay?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (All right. I'm fine.)

                                     BUTTERS
                          Hehehey, fellas! Ah, hey fellas!

                                     STAN
                         What, Butters?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Eric says you gotta come to his house 
                         right away.
 
                                     STAN
                         Tell him we're busy.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, ah, well, he knew you'd say that, 
                         so, he told me to tell you that you 
                         don't wanna miss this.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What, did he lose a hundred pounds? 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, he ah knew you'd say that, too, 
                         so he said t'say, ah, up your ass, Jew. 
                          Yeah.
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, let's go see what he wants. 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, it's all sticky. 

               [Cartman's house, minutes later. The three other boys approach 
               him in the living room. Cartman can barely contain his glee.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Alright, Cartman! What's so important 
                         you had to pull us away from lighting 
                         cow crap on fire?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh you guys, you're not gonna believe 
                         it!
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Guess what I have sitting in my back 
                         yard?
 
                                     KYLE
                         A trampoline?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Better.

                                     STAN
                         A boat?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Better.

                                     KENNY
                         (A football machine?)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Better.

                                     STAN
                         Well WHAT, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thirty-three aborted fetuses.  Oh yes.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         ...What? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mint condition, tax free.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, what the hell are you doing 
                         with aborted fetuses?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm leaving right now! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I guess you don't watch the news, 
                         Kyle!
 
                                     KYLE
                          You've never watched the news, fatass! 
                          And what the hell does that have to 
                         do with anything?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stem cells, numbnuts!

                                     STAN
                         Stem cells?

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, and what do you know about stem 
                         cells?!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What the fuck are stem cells?)

                                     KYLE
                         They're cells that come from fetuses, 
                         and some research show that they could 
                         be used to treat diseases.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 
                         3-2-1 Contact. With all the research 
                         that's going on, stem cells are worth 
                         three times their weight in gold. What 
                         I have in my back yard is an aborted 
                         treasure chest.
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...I hate you so much. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine! I don't need you assholes! I can 
                         sell these fetuses all on my own!
 
                         
               [Cartman's house, later. He's up in his room placing cold calls 
               to business he finds in the Yellow Pages.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello. Is this theee University of Colorado 
                         Biology Department? ...Great, uh I understand 
                         you're corrently doing research on stem 
                         cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in 
                         possession of somesah aborted fetuses 
                         that I'm looking to unload? ...Uh, how 
                         much do you pay? ...No, no, come on, 
                         ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty 
                         dollars a pound right now. ...How about 
                         a hundred? ...Oh you're breaking my 
                         balls- I, I'll think about it.
 
               [later]

               Bosnod Medical Group? ...Yeah, I called earlier about the stem 
               cells and the fetuses? ...Okay, hi Randy, yeah. ...Oh yes, they've 
               been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. ...These are primo fetuses, 
               Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. ...So what can your company 
               give me for 'em? ...Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. 
               ...You're breaking my balls, Randy. 
 
               [later]

               Oh plehease! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses 
               for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? ...Yeah, 
               I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. 
               I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. ...So are you gonna 
               talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other? 
               Breakin' my balls, Chuck. 
 
               [later]

               I gotta unload these fetuses, you wannan do some research. Are 
               we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. ...I'm telling 
               you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal 
               mistake. [suddenly grins and covers the receiver with his right 
               hand] That's a joke [removes his hand from the receiver] ...A 
               hundred ten. ...Alright, alright, we got a deal. ...Good bye. 
               [hangs up and relaxes, putting his feet up on his desk and his 
               hands behind his head] Damn I'm good. 
 
               [Alder Research Group, some days later. Cartman enters, hauling 
               the thirty-three aborted fetuses behind him in a wagon. Workers 
               around the lab move stuff around]
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Can I help you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, I'm making a delivery of these 
                         fetuses hyam?
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Oh, right, the fetuses. We were very 
                         lucky you called. Our last shipment 
                         of fetuses was lost in a truck accident.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Gee, that's terrible. So, uh who do 
                         I talk to about payment?
 
                                     RESEARCHER
                          This is awful, just awful!

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Oh Larry! This young man has some new 
                         fetuses for research.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry. 
                         They're top notch
 
                                     LARRY
                          Oh well, I'm sorry, but we can't buy 
                         those from you now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...What?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought 
                         them all the way down here already!
 
                         
                                     LARRY
                         I'm afraid the government has just put 
                         a ban on stem-cell research.
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         A ban? Why?

                                     LARRY
                         Too many people were upset about using 
                         aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's 
                         too bad, too. We really coulda helped 
                         a lot of people.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ay! What the hell am I supposed to 
                         do with these things, huh?! God-damnit! 
                         
 
               [South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their 
               seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny 
                         are ditching school again.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Alright, class, let's take our seats. 
                          Now, uh, before we get started, Stan 
                         and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to 
                         see you in her office.
 
                                     STAN
                         The principal? Aw, come on!

                                     KYLE
                         We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. 
                         Choksondik!
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         She needs to see you now! 

                                     KYLE
                         Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew 
                         as a scapegoat.
 
               [Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle enter 
               expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents 
               on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Hello, boys.

                                     STAN
                         Wait. What's going on here? 

                                     KYLE
                         Alright, we don't know for sure why 
                         Cartman is ditching school, but it has 
                         something to do with abortion. That's 
                         all we know.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          You didn't do anything wrong boys. 
                         We just need to talk to you. Have a 
                         seat.  Boys, uh... your little friend 
                         Kenny went to the hospital last night, 
                         m'kay.  And well, he's pretty sick. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny's sick?

                                     STAN
                         Well how sick?

                                     CHEF
                         Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with 
                         a... terminal disease.
 
                                     STAN
                          ...but... the doctors are gonna make 
                         him better, right?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh dear. 

                                     STAN
                         Mom? That's what hospitals are for. 
                         They, they can make him better.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Randy...

                                     RANDY
                         They don't think so, Stanley. Your... 
                         your friend is terminally ill, and that 
                         means.. Well son,... th that means he's 
                         going to be going to heaven soon.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wait. Kenny's going to die?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         ...He might, Kyle.

                                     STAN
                          ...But... he's our... fu... fufu friend.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         We know, and that's why he's going to 
                         need you boys to be strong for him, 
                         m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! 
                         Kenny can't die!! 
 
               [Cartman's hosue, day. He's upstairs in his room placing cold 
               calls anew.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, Jack, you gotta be able to 
                         offer me more than that. ...Yes, I realize 
                         there's a ban on stem-cell research, 
                         but I've got thirty-some-odd human fetuses 
                         in my backyard! I'm sure there's other 
                         research your company can do with them. 
                         ...You'll take one? Okay, how much for 
                         one? ...Aw, Jack, you're breaking my 
                         balls here, Jack.
 
               [later. There are now thirty-one]

               Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant? ...Yeah, 
               hi, I've got a shipment of about thrity-one of the most succulent 
               shrimp from the West Indies. ...These are killer shrimp, Gary, 
               your customers are gonna love 'em. ...What kind of price you 
               payin' for shrimp? ...Oh, Gary, you're breakin' my balls, Gary. 
               How about ten and a quarter? ...Balls, Gary. Breakin' 'em. ...Alright, 
               I'll call you back. [hangs up and sighs deeply] 
 
                                     LIANE
                          Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. 
                         They need to see you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not now, Mom, I've only unloaded three 
                         feti; I've gotta sell the rest before 
                         they spoil.
 
                                     LIANE
                         They say it's an emergency.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Buh, alright.  eh Butters?

                                     BUTTERS
                          Uhyeah?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Are you through databasing the clientele 
                         sheet?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Eh just about.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright, well, you gotta take over 
                         the telemarketing for a bit.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Well, uhokay. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Just remember what I taught you and 
                         follow protocol. Next number to try 
                         is on the list.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Right.  Uh hello? Is this Mr. Thompson 
                         with Anatomy Research? ...Yes, uh, hello 
                         sir. Uh, aah, we have a surplus of unborn 
                         fetuses that we think you can use for 
                         a ...dissection study. Uh huh, ah, how 
                         much do you pay for that? ...You're 
                         breaking my balls. ...I said, you're 
                         breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. ...My, 
                         my balls.
 
               [Living room, moments later. Cartman reaches the foot of the 
               stairs.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What is this, a PTA meeting? 

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman.  Kenny's in the hospital.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          In the ...hospital? Why?

                                     KYLE
                         They told us he has a m-muscular disease. 
                         An and, that ...and that he, he might 
                         die. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Die? Kenny?

                                     STAN
                          Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna 
                         die!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I'm going to go take the guys to go 
                         see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought 
                         you might wanna come.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. Yeah, of course. 

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kenny lies in a bed in a patient 
               room with an IV unit attached]
 
                                     DOCTOR
                          There we go, little buddy.

                                     KENNY
                         (Thank you, Doc.)

                                     DOCTOR
                         You sure you don't wanna take your jacket 
                         off; it's pretty warm.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (I'm all right)

                                     NURSE
                         Hey, look who has some visitors. 

                                     DOCTOR
                         Hmm, what a lucky little man. We'll 
                         be right outside if you need us, Kenny. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hey dude, how's it going?

                                     KENNY
                         (I'm okay, I guess.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         We got you a present: it's a Gobo fighter.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Heh, don't, don't tell him what it is, 
                         dude.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, sorry. 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, uhwe were all just talkin' about 
                         how when you get better, we're all gonna 
                         go down to Stark's Pond again and go 
                         camping. Huh, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                          I- 

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day, outside. Stan rushes out the front 
               door, Kyle pursuing]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Stan?  Stan, where are you going?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I can't, I just can't.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, he needs us right now.

                                     STAN
                          I can't see him like that, Kyle. All 
                         those hoses and wires. He's a kid, dude. 
                         He's s'posed to be running around and 
                         laughing.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I, I know it's tough but-  Look at me! 
                          I know it's tough, okay?! I know! But 
                         we have to be tough right now!
 
                                     STAN
                         And what are we supposed to do, huh?! 
                         Stand in that room and keep making small 
                         talk?! Make believe like everything's 
                         okay?! I CAN'T DO IT!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Look, however hard you think it for 
                         you, it's a lot harder for him!
 
                                     STAN
                          Just leave me alone!

                                     KYLE
                         Stan, you can't leave!

                                     STAN
                          I'm not the one who's leaving, he is! 
                         
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. Cartman was left alone 
               with Kenny as Kyle went after Stan]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...You know, it's funny, Kenny. Stan 
                         and Kyle have always sort of two best 
                         friends, you know, and... well I I don't 
                         know if I ever told you this, Kenny, 
                         but um... I kind of always thought you 
                         were my best f-friend. I don't know.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Eric, well you're my best friend, too.)
 
                         
                                     HURSE
                          Okay, we're gonna need to get Kenny 
                         some time to sleep now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dont you worry, Kenny. I I'm gonna find 
                         a cure for you. Everything's gonna be 
                         okay! 
 
               [Hospital corridor, Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman appears outside 
               the door with a long face, chokes up, and faces the wall to cry]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                          Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, Kyle. Hey, what's goin' down, Jew-boy? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, were you... crying?

                                     CARTMAN
                          No! No, I mean, I, I got somethin' 
                         in my eyes. It's this uh, the air in 
                         here is just uh.  Oh man.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey Cartman.  I care a lot about him, 
                         too. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear 
                         to God I'm gonna find a cure
 
                                     KYLE
                          Sure you will, Cartman. Sure you will.
 
                         
               [Alder Research Group, next day. Inside, employees are packing 
               away their computers and other office equipment]
 
                                     LARRY
                          This is where the bulk of our research 
                         was being done. But due to the government 
                         ban, we're mostly just packing things 
                         up.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Doctor, can you tell me exactly how 
                         stem cells work?
 
                                     LARRY
                         Look, you have trillions of cells in 
                         your body: heart cells, skin cells, 
                         brain cells, and so on. But before a 
                         cell is designated as a toenail cell 
                         or a pancreas cell, it's what we call 
                         a stem cell. Sort of like a black cell. 
                         Do you understand?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not at all, but go on. 

                                     LARRY
                         Because these cells are blanks, they 
                         will often program themselves based 
                         on what cells you put around them. You 
                         see this rat? Earlier this year, we 
                         surgically removed the middle of her 
                         spine. then we injected her with some 
                         stem cells and... they became the mising 
                         part of the spine.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         My God...

                                     LARRY
                         Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease 
                         or heart tissue of cardiac patients 
                         might ultimately be replaced by tissue 
                         grown from stem cells.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So then, could stem cells be used on 
                         someone whose muscle tissue is wasting 
                         away? Ihin other words, if a little 
                         boy was dying from a muscular disease, 
                         the stem cells could become new muscle 
                         tissue.
 
                                     LARRY
                         That's the theory.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, so then, if the stem cells are 
                         placed nest to s Shakey's Pizza, they 
                         would become another Shakey's Pizza! 
                         And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza 
                         where you didn't have to charge yourself 
                         to eat!
 
                                     LARRY
                         Well, no. To build another Shake's it 
                         would be better to use lumber.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hmmm.

                                     LARRY
                         But, unfortunately, the government has 
                         banned stem cell research and so... 
                         we'll never know.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Looks like someone is gonna have to 
                         try and change the government's mind. 
                         
 
                                     LARRY
                         Where are you going?

                                     CARTMAN
                         There's a pretty brave kid fighting 
                         for his life in the hospital right now, 
                         doctor. I'm gonna get him some bigger 
                         boxing gloves.
 
                                     LARRY
                         Hey kid.  Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, doctor.  Thanks. Thanks. 

                                     LARRY
                         Oh, hey kid.  Good luck. Good luck. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, and doctor. ...Ah, never mind. 
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. The McCormicks, Kyle, 
               and Chef are present. Kyle has with him a bunch of get-well cards 
               from the other students in his class. The bed is seen from an 
               angle]
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...And see? Here's one from Butters. 
                         It says, "We can't wait to see you back 
                         in school, Kenny." And it has a picture 
                         of him and you in a little airplane! 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh, isn't that nice? You've got lots 
                         of friends, don't you Kenny?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yes.)  (But what about Stan?)

                                     KYLE
                         Stan? Oh. Well, no, there's nothing 
                         here from Stan, but, well, Stan's gonna 
                         come and see you real soon, I bet, Kenny.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (I hope so)

                                     NURSE
                          Hey, look who's here.

                                     KENNY
                          (Stan??)

                                     WOMAN
                          Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and 
                         this is Bob Ferrin.
 
                                     BOB
                         We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. 
                         
 
                                     MS. MCCORMICK
                         Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?

                                     KENNY
                         (The Make-A-Wish Foundation?)

                                     LAURA
                         We travel the country given special 
                         little boys and girls like you their 
                         biggest wish.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Neat, huh Kenny?

                                     KENNY
                         (Yes.)

                                     LAURA
                         So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, 
                         what would it be? 
 
                                     BOB
                         What's your wish, pal?

                                     KENNY
                         (I guess the only thing I wish is to 
                         not die.)
 
                                     LAURA
                         What did he say?

                                     KYLE
                         He said his wish is not to die. 

                                     LAURA
                         ...O-kay, and, what if you're gonna 
                         have two wishes, what would the second 
                         one be?
 
                                     BOB
                         I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, 
                         huh?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (No. Fuckin' Madonna...) 

                                     BOB
                         Wu what was that?

                                     KYLE
                         He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore 
                         who wore out her welcome years ago, 
                         and that now she suddenly speaks with 
                         a British accent and she thinks she 
                         can play guitar and she should go fuck 
                         herself. 
 
                                     MADONNA
                         Should I come in now?

                                     BOB
                         Uh no not quite yet.

               [The cow pasture, day. Stan has come here to reflect on Kenny's 
               hospitalization. He sits on a log resting his head on his hands 
               and watches as a cow drops a load of dung next to the log. He 
               strikes a match and toses it on the dung. The dung lights up 
               and burns]
 
                                     CHEF
                          Hello there, children.

                                     STAN
                         Hey Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How's it goin'?

                                     STAN
                         Bad.

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah. Things have been better.

                                     STAN
                         Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? 
                         Kenny's my fr-f-f-friend. Why can't 
                         God take someone else's f-f-friend?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          Stan, sometimes God takes those closest 
                         to us, because it makes him feel better 
                         about himself. He is a very vengeful 
                         God, Stan. He's all pissed off about 
                         something we did thousands of years 
                         ago. He just can't get over it, so he 
                         doesn't care who he takes.Children, 
                         puppies, it don't matter to him, so 
                         long as it makes us sad. Do you understand.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But then, why does God give us anything 
                         to start with?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, look at it this way: if you want 
                         to make a baby cry, first you give it 
                         a lollipop. Then you take it away. If 
                         you never give it a lollipop to begin 
                         with, then it would have nothin' to 
                         cry about. That's like God, who gives 
                         us life and love and help just so that 
                         he can tear it all away and make us 
                         cry, so he can drink the sweet milk 
                         of our tears. You see, it's our tears, 
                         Stan, that give God his great power. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         I thnk I understand.

               [Capitol Hill, Washington DC]

                                     CARTMAN
                         My name is Eric Cartman and I live in 
                         Colorado. My best friend in the whole 
                         world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's 
                         sick right now. He's real sick. He's 
                         only eight years old and his doctors 
                         don't think he has very long to live. 
                         Look, I realize that using the tissue 
                         from aborted fetuses for research is 
                         a touchy subject, but... All I know 
                         is that if there's a chance, a... chance 
                         that stem-cell research could save my 
                         best friend's life, well... I guess 
                         I owe it to him to try and change your 
                         minds.  I love Kenny McCormick and... 
                          I want you to love him too.  And I 
                         uh, I'm not the best speaker in the 
                         world. Maybe I can put it best in the 
                         words of a timeless song 
 
               
               It was the heat of the moment telling me what your heart meant
 
               
               The heat of the moment shone in your eyes

               
               I never meant to be so bad to you

               One thing I said that I would never do

                                     CONGRESSMAN 1
                         One look from you and I would fall from 
                         grace.
 
                                     CONGRESSMAN 2
                         And that would wipe the smile right 
                         from my face.
 
                                     A FEW CONGRESSMEN
                         And incidents arose from circumstance? 
                         
 
                                     EVERYONE
                         One thing led to another; we were young 
                         
 
               And we would scream together songs unsung

               
               It was the heat of the moment

               Telling me what our hearts meant

               The heat of the moment

               shone in your eyes [Cartman raises his voice to the G above middle 
               C]
 
               [Planned Parenthood, day. Cartman, in shirt and tie, is outside 
               with clipboard in hand, talking to a woman about to have an abortion.]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         And so you see, now that the ban on 
                         stem-cell research has been lifted, 
                         we can sell your fetus to compnaies 
                         like Alder Labs.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Oh, I don't know.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, I can offer you seventy-five dollars 
                         for that fetus right now, Jill.
 
                                     JILL
                         Seventy-five dollars? Well, alright.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Great, just sign right here, please. 
                          Hi. Havin' an abortion today?  Great. 
                          Listen, if you'd like to sell your 
                         abortion for research I'm offering uh, 
                         seventy-five dollars. Help you out a 
                         little bit with your medical bill in 
                         there.  And you sign right here.  Uh 
                         excuse me, ma'am. Can I interest you 
                         in selling your aborted fetus? 
 
                                     WOMAN 2
                         We're not going to the abortion clinic. 
                         I'm going to have this baby.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, because 
                         uh, there's a little boy dying in a 
                         hospital right now who sure could use 
                         that baby more than you could. The stem 
                         cells from your fetus could help save 
                         his life.
 
                                     MAN
                         Oh. Well, I guess we can always... just 
                         make another one.
 
                                     WOMAN 2
                         Oh Mark, I love you.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright! Now Kenny has a fighting chance.
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan enters with a package, his faith 
               renewed, his confidence strong, and makes his way down the hall, 
               passing people as he goes]
 
                                     HEAD NURSE
                          Young man, do you know where you're 
                         going? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. I'm gonna see my friend, because 
                         he needs me right now.
 
                                     HEAD NURSE
                         All right! 

                                     MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
                         Go kid! 

                                     MAN ON CRUTCHES
                         Good for you! 

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, Kenny's room. Stan enters happily]

                                     STAN
                         Hey, Kenny!  Oh no.  No.

                                     KYLE
                         He just... He just... stopped breathing. 
                         And it was over.
 
                                     STAN
                         But...  I didn't get to see him. Hell 
                         I, I didn't get to sssay good-bye.  
                         Did he say anything before he went?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         He just said... "Where's Stan?"

               [First Church of South Park,some days later, day. The camera 
               looks up at some lights, then pans down as it back up to focus 
               on the altar]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And so, we will all miss Kenny, his 
                         playful laughter, his innocent smile. 
                         But we will never forget that it was 
                         because of brave Kenny that stem-cell 
                         research was allowed to continue.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys! Come quick! 

                                     KYLE
                         What, Cartman

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's...  Why, it's a miracle, you guys! 
                         
 
               [Outside, day. Cartman stops, but still bounces from joy. Stan 
               and Kyle join him]
 
                                     STAN
                         What, Cartman? What's happened?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look.  I put the stem cells from all 
                         the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's, 
                         and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! 
                          It worked! 
 
                                     STAN
                         This whole time, you were just using 
                         Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem 
                         cell research so you could sell your 
                         stupid fetuses?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I actually hugged you. I held you in 
                         my arms and, and, cried with you.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I think I only need a hundred or so 
                         more aborted babies,  and I can finish 
                         up the kitchen.
 
                                     KYLE
                         AAARGH! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aah! Kyle!  Kyle! 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend! 
                          Cartman was! 
 
               THE END

Kenny Dies



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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