"KORN'S GROOVY PIRATE GHOST MYSTERY"
[A bustling scene on a dock. A large lake is behind the dock,
a stage is off to the left, and the whole place is being dressed
for Halloween. Beyond the lake, a lighthouse looks over the scene.
At center is a booth for a radio station. The camera moves in]
We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Hallween
Haunt at the South Park docks! Come
on down! We've got a haunted house
and everyone is decorating for tomorrow
night, HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn,
that's right, KoRn, is going to play
live! And don't forget to wear a costume
tomorrow, because there's a big first
prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying
the Halloween Haunt now! Say boys,
what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween
Haunt so far?
This one time, like eight months ago,
I saw two guys kissing in a park. And
that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen,
until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky
[Further down the dock. The boys keep walking, and Cartman runs
up to meet them]
Hey you guys! You know what time of
year it is?
Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
That's right, and that means only two
more months till Christmas! You'd better
watch out, you'd better not cry—
—Christmastime is presents for me.
[On another part of the dock, Jimbo and Ned leave a ticket booth]
Aw, nuts! Come on, Ned, this ain't no
whore house, it's a hor-ROR house.
GUESTS IN LINE
Eeyyy , Spooky Laboratory, you guys.
Those things are stupid, Cartman. They
just stick your hand in cold spaghetti
and tell you it's intestines and stuff.
Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory!
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. I'm your
guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show
around the lab.
Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
And here you can feel the brains.
And here you can feel the warm innards
of the body
Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti!
You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
(You guys, I'm gonna try and win that
Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna
win that costume contest! Your costumes
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
STAN, KYLE, KENNY
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Ha ha ha ha ha! We scared you, chickens!
W-we weren't scared!
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Oh no? Well, you should be! The pirate
ghosts are gonna come getcha!
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Didn't you know? There's an old legend
in South Park that says these docks
are haunted by pirate ghosts.
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Yuh-huh. They roam these docks with
their swords and hook-hands looking
for victims tuh... cut up!
That's just an old legend.
PIRATE GHOST CUTOUT
STAN, KYLE, KENNY
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Ha ha ha ha, gotcha again, heh ha ha!
Just wait till tomorrow! We're gonna
scare you kids to death! Ha ha ha haa!
You guys, my hand totally smells like
spaghetti now. Smell it.
I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring
us all the time! We should come up with
a way to scare them!
Yeah! Let's see how they like it!
[The KOZY-FM booth. The DJ is joined by the town's priest]
Joining me now is Father Maxi, from
the South Park Church. Father, what
do you think of all the preparations
here at the docks?
Halloween is an abomination of God!
A celebration of the occult-eh!
Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the
big concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting,
KoRn is a devil-worshipping group that
plays violent music! If we allow that
demon band to play on this most unholy
of holidays, we may incur the full wrath
Alriight, we'll see you tomorrow for
Halloween! In the meantime here's a
KOZY hit by Barry Manilow.
[The lake. The boys are still on the docks...]
Come on, you guys, think! How can we
scare the fifth graders? It has to be
something reeaally scary.
We could get a big scary plastic spider,
and dangle it in front of them on a
string... s- spooky spider, that's pretty
That's not scary, fatass!
Well, come on! We can think of something
better than stupid pirate ghosts!
[The woods. A van rumbles down a road. On the side it reads,
"KoRn." Several men inside it talk]
Are you sure we're goin' the right way?
I don't know. This map doesn't make
That's because you've got it upside
When are we gonna get to the gig? I'm
Don't think about it. We'll just keep
playing our game. Raady? I spy with
my little eye something that begins
with the letter T!
I know! A t-ree!
You've got it. I spy with my little
eye something that begins with the letter
[further down the road...]
Okay, here's one. I spy with my little
eye something that begins with the letter
The letter P?
What the heck starts with the letter
[The Cartman house. Cartman walks towards the sofa with a catalog
Mom! You got the new Duffy's catalog!
I-I'm gonna circle everything I want
for Christmas, okay? Mom? Okay? O-kay
, let's see. I waant... thiis... aand...
this... and... let's see, comes with so...
...comes with two bars , so there we
go, have that... and, let's see...
Eric, your little friends are here.
Mom, mom! You wanna see what I want
E-heric, it's only Halloween.
That's only 72 shopping days left for
Come on, fatass, we have to go!
Ey! Don't call me fat! Mom, don't laugh.
I'm sorry, hon,
I can't go with you guys right now.
Yes you can, porky.
Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't
fat, his big-boned.
He must have a huge bone in his ass,
[Outside, night. The boys head out and away]
God, I hate you guys!
Okay, so we figured out how to scare
the fifth graders.
What's the scariest thing we could get?
No! A dead body.
Yeah, fatass, a dead body.
You mean, we make something that looks
like a dead body?
We could never make one that looks real
enough. To be really scary, it would
have to be real.
Yeah, fatass, it has to be real to be
So where the hell are we going to get
a dead body?
We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead grandma.
Yeah, fatass, we're goona dig up- Dig
up Kyle's dead grandma??
Dude, she's perfect. She only died,
like, three months ago, right?
Are you insane?!
U-hi think that's a sweet idea!
Dude! We'er not digging up my grandma;
I'll get in trouble.
All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard,
dig her up, scare the fifth graders,
then put her back before anyone notices
Naww, let's dig up somebody else.
Relax, dude. What's the big deal? Think
about it: if your grandma knew that
she could help you, even in death, she
would want to.
This is gonna be fun!
[The graveyard. Spooky music and a howling wolf punctuate the
foggy atmosphere as a full moon rises. Kyle leads the way with
a flashlight. Cartman is singing]
Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in',
ring ting tingle-in' too
Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you,
and you, and you.
Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas
carols? We have to be quiet, or else
we're gonna get busted!
This must be it. "Cleo Broflovski"
That's my grandma.
Well, let's dig 'er up!
Wait. I don't know if this is cool.
Of course it's cool! She's gonna be
all rotted and scary!
I don't think my mom would want me doin'
"Ooh, I don't wanna dig up my dead
grandma 'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!"
You guys be quiet! Now, do you wanna
get back at the fifth graders or not?!
I don't really care, dude.
Yes you do! Now, dig!
Outside the snow is falling and friends
are calling, "You-hoo"...
[Later. The casket is now vertical, leaning against the tombstone]
Okay. It's almost open. Ready? One,
two, three! Whoa, dude.
Oh, my God. Hi, ...Grandma.
Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have
you been making Grandma proud?
Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!
Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh.
Heh heh, I'm sweet.
Alright, alright, let's get this over
with so we can put her back!
Okay, grab the sled.
[The docks. A dog is sniffing at the boards, then raises his
head. He growls and runs off stage left. The boys come in from
the other side pulling the corpse, and Cartman sings]
Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas
time in the city...
Okay. Let's just hide her here, and
tomorrow, during the Halloween party,
we'll come back in our costumes and
use her to scare the fifth graders.
How exactly are we gonna use her to
We could shove a stick up her ass and
use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr,
I'm scary Grandma!"
Alright, that does it, Cartman! That's
my grandma! You show her some God-damned
Who was that?
It wasn't me!
Dude, not cool. This is scary.
Hey! Like, it's just some kids.
Oh, fwooh, I was really scared there,
for a second.
Hay, you're that band KoRn.
Yeah. I'm Jonathan , and this is Munky
, David , Fieldy , and Head . And over
there is our pal, Nibblet. Hey, where'd
Uh-huh, Nibblet likes potato chips.
What are you guys doing out here?
Head; We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were
run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts.
Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders.
Yeah. They're tryin' to scare everybody
'cause they're gay wads.
Don't worry. We're about to go get 'em
Oh, swell. We're supposed to play here
tomorrow. Do you know where the stage
Yeah, dude. It's right over there.
Oh, hi. We're KoRn. We're supposed to
play the Halloween concert tomorrow.
I know who you are and what you stand
for! I think your music and Halloweenn
is an abomination!
Groovy! Could you show us where to set
[The boys walk a little further, and Cartman pulls the sled over
to one side of a stack of boxes]
Alright, let's just set her over here
behind these boxes.
Shouldn't we hide her better than that?
Kyle, will you stop worrying? God! Now,
we'll all be back here tomorrow with
our costumes, and then, when the Halloween
party gets going, we'll bust out dead
Grandma! Let's go!
Wait till you guys see my costume! It's
gonan be sweet!
(Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta
Oh, come on, Kenny! You never have a
sweet costume! You're not gonna win
the costume contest!
(Yes I am! I've got the costume; it's
waiting in the house! Yesterday I got
this huge package in the mail, and it
was big, okay?)
[The next day. Two uniformed men approach the Broflovski house.
One of them rings the bell.]
Hold on, kids.
We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery. Could
we have a word with you?
Eehh, sure, come in. What is it?
Ms. Broflovski... somebody has defiled
your mother's grave.
Well, I'm afraid that... somebody dug
Dug her up? Why??
Well. Theh- most likely reason is that...
somebody wanted to have sex with her
Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but
it happens. Somebody's probably making
love to her corpse as we speak.
Every vile position, every disrespectful
Hoh, dear God!
Yes. By now he's probably even removed
her eyes and made love to the empty
sockets as well.
No-, we don't want to upset you, but
you should know that your mother's body
would be stiff and dry, so he would
have to have it soaked in warm water
for several hours before making love
Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
It is highly possible that he has created
new orifices in her decomposing flesh,
leaving her to look something like —
an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She
Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell
me what you're gonna do about it!
Oh, we don't do anything. We're just
Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna
call the police or something.
Now, he probably would make love to
the dead body in a cool dry place, so
as not to allow further decomposition.
[The Cartman house. A delivery man walks towards it with a package
and rings the bell. Cartman answers]
Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?
A package? Oh, really? Well, I think
I can sign for that!
Sign heah, and heah, and heah.
I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas
present! ...Maybe I can see what it is.
I'll just open one little corner. Let's
see here. That's good, I'll rewrap
it later! Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up
Antonio Banderas love doll! With realistic
geni-ta-lia. Oh, this kicks ass! What
a cool Christmas present my mom got!
[The lake. The docks are bustling again, and the DJ is in his
It's Halloween day, so come on down
to the docks and bring your costumes!
Where's Kenny? He said he had the best
Halloween costume ever.
Nyah nyahnyahnyah nyah nyah. Guess
wha-at I got? Antonio Banderas blow-up
doll. You guys didn't get one.
Where's your costume, fatass?
Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas
present! In a few days I'll wrap it
back up, and then when I open it on
Christmas, I'll act all, like, surprised,
like "Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized
blow-up doll! What a surprise!"
(Hey, guys. Uh, check out this kick-ass
U-huh, nice costume, Kenny. If you think
you're gonna win with that, huh!
Alright. The fifth graders are gonna
be here soon. Let's get Kyle's grandma!
This is gonna be sweet
Uuh, problem, guys.
What's the problem?
She's not here!
She has to be here!
Well, she's not here! That's just great!
Thanks a lot, Stan! You're gonna get
me busted again!
[City Hall, outside. Officer Barbrady stands behind a podium
addressing the crowd]
Okay, people. I know we all want to
get down to the docks for the Halloween
Haunt, but first we just need to inform
you about thee- people or persons out
there digging up bodies to have sex
with them. Gentlemen?
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
A person who steals bodies to have sex
with them is called a necrophiliac.
So that you all know what to expect,
my partner Alan has a sketch of what
having sex with a dead body might look
Yes, we know it's horrible. It's probably
best you not look at it. Now, Alan will
demostrate what having sex with a dead
body might sound like.
Excuse me, how is this helping?
That's it, folks. Now, we can all go
to the docks and enjoy the Halloween
Noo! Don't go to the docks! Aarrrgh!
Argh, I'm Captain Bly! You land-lubbers
had better stay away from the docks!
Or else, there'll be hell to pay! Fire
the cannon! Har harharharhar!
PIRATE GHOST 2
We won't warn ya again! Stay away from
I warned you! I told you this would
happen! When you allow bands like KoRn
to come to town and play your hedonistic
Hallowen concerts, this is what you
[The docks. KoRn is practicing on stage.]
Great rehearsal, gang. That was really
groovy. Let's practice one more time
before the show starts.
Aah, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween
Haunt's been cancelled.
You best clear out of here! There's
pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you.
Well gang, it looks like we have to
pack it up.
God-damnit! Now, what the hell are we
Oh, hey! The kids from last night.
Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized
Say, what's the matter? You kids look
kind of glum.
Somebody took my dead grandma.
We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare
the fifth graders, but then, something
took her body away.
Now she's doomed to walk the earth in
Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry.
Well, that does it. Somethin' funny
is going on here. Your missing grandma
must be connected somehow to those creepy
They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan,
they're ghost pirates.
"Pirate ghost" would suggest that a
pirate died, and became a ghost, but
a ghost pirate is a ghost that later
made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts,
because they're the ghosts of pirates.
You're wrong, because there were no
pirates in Colorado. So these must be
ghosts that have decided to become pirates
after the fact.
But that makes them pirate ghosts.
No. It makes them ghost pirates.
Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna
solve anything. Don't you see? This
is exactly what those ghost pirates
want us to do.
Then, you'll help us?
Sure, we'll help you. If there's one
thing we like more than playing music,
it's solvin' a groovy mystery.
[City Hall. People are still laying on floor. Chef arrives]
Is everybody okay?
People stealing bodies to have sex
with them? Pirate ghosts destroying
the town? When did everything go so
I hate to say it, but I think Priest
Maxi was right. This is what we get
for celebrating Halloween and allowing
that band KoRn to come play.
He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong
in this town before that evil KoRn band
Well, I say we go find them and kick
their devil-worshipping butts out of
Down with KoRn!
[Halloween night, the docks. KoRn and the boys are still talking...]
So this is where you last saw your dead
Maybe there really are pirate ghosts
and they took her inside.
Alright, gang, we have to split up and
look for clues.
How should we split up?
I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys
having obstacles in their life, which
they can overcome, go this way, and
everyone whose insecurities sabotage
their potential to overcome those obstacles
go that way.
Wow! That was easy.
[The lynch mob reaches the docks and head for the van. Randy
reaches it first.]
Here's their van! Here's their van!
Let's flip it over!
Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly.
The best way to do this is, all get
on one side and push it from the top.
Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!
[A warehouse. The secure group walks along with Nibblet. Munky
is not with them.]
This place gives me the creeps.
Say, this looks like a clue. "Pirate
Lore of South Park." Hmmm. Now, why
would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates?
Whoa. What was that?
The noise came from in here. Stay close,
Oh, no! I lost my glasses.
[The insecure group walks in a darkened part of the warehouse.
Munky is in that group now.]
What does this dead grandma look like?
Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy
Hey, I got an idea. We should set a
How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?
We need something that might catch their
eye to use as bait. I know, your Antonio
Banderas love doll.
Oh, no! This is my Christmas present!
If anything happens to it, my mom will
know I opened it early!
Come on, kid. We all have to do our
part, even Antonio.
[The lit side of the warehouse. Fieldy is still looking for his
My glasses gotta be around here somewhere.
Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm glad
to see you. I lost my glasses.
Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?
Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song,
man! Remember that one!
Fieldy, what are you doing?!
Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan.
...Hey, wait a minute. If you're over
there, then how could you be over here?
Unless you're actually a...
Puh-puuhh pirate ghost!
[The darkened part of the warehouse. The trap is set]
Okay. Here's how the trap will work.
When the pirate ghosts walk in, they
should go right for Antonio Banderas.
When they hit the super-slippery floor,
they'll slide onto this mining cart,
which should travel down this path,
into the next room, where the fish net
will fall on them.
Hey! Somebody's coming.
We've got to hide!
Hey, there's Antonio Banderas! He'll
help us. Mr. Banderas!
Hold on, guys!
Alright, KoRn, time for you to get out
KoRn is sending their demon minions
Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna
have to use our special KoRn powers.
KoRn powers, vitalize!
Form of... CORN!
Alright! Great job, gang!
That didn't help at all.
We know. It's just cool to do.
What the hell is that thing??
You did it, Nibblet! You trapped them!
Yeah. And now let's see who these pirate
ghosts really are! Oh, I guess they
really were pirate ghosts.
Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic
shenanigans and come downtown with me!
Hehey, look what Nibblet sees.
Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?!
Arrest that band!
No! Arrest him!
I think I've got this groovy mystery
[Outside. The mystery has apparently been explained. The priest
is now under arrest]
Well, I must say I still don't get this
It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want
there to be a Halloween, so he decided
to scare everyone away from the docks.
Yeah. And then he used this flashlight
and some cotton swabs to create the
Then all he needed was some sound effects
created by this cup and a piece of cheese.
And all he had to do then was create
a ghost ship, by using some candles,
a mirror, and two squirrels.
Father, why did you go to all this trouble?
Because Halloween is an abomination
of God. I would do anything to stop
this wretched, unholy holiday!
Including killing people and wreaking
havoc all over South Park?
Don't you see that by trying to stop
Halloween you've scared the hell out
Okay buddy, you can explain downtown!
Well, this is all fine and good, but
it doesn't explain what happened to
my mother's body!
Yeah! Where's Grandma?
There she is!
Well thanks a lot, KoRn! You KoRn powers
really came through for us!
Yes! We were wrong about you. Will you
please play for our Halloween party?
Well, sure. Why the heck not?
Oh, no! The pirate ghosts are back!
[The stage on the docks. KoRn is preparing for their concert.
The mob is spread out in front of the stage. Jonathan takes the
Well, this sure has been a wacky night,
but me and the gang learned a lot, and
we hope you did too. You all perceived
us to be mean, evil people, but, really,
we're just normal guys. And we all perceived
pirate ghosts to be real when, actually,
they were just cotton swabs. So I guess
the lesson is: it's easy to perceive
somethin' someway, and then be wrong.
So we all need to learn to be a little
The gang and I wrote a song about it,
and it goes goes a little somethin'
And a-one, and-a-two, and a [goes right into "Falling Away From
Me." The strobe lights come on, and the crowd looks a little
stunned. The fifth graders are at the very front of the crowd,
and the body of Grandma Broflovski inches up to them]
Antonio, no! You son of a bitch chicken
from outer space... thing, come back here!
And the winner of the costume contest
is Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!
Come on up, Wendy.
[End of KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery... Wait a minute! Dejected,
Kenny walks away slowly from the crowd. A tiny snowspeeder flies
by and wraps a cable around his costume's legs. He begins to
(What the hell? What the fuck is this?!)
KoRn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy