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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 310


                         "KORN'S GROOVY PIRATE GHOST MYSTERY"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker






               [A bustling scene on a dock. A large lake is behind the dock, 
               a stage is off to the left, and the whole place is being dressed 
               for Halloween. Beyond the lake, a lighthouse looks over the scene. 
               At center is a booth for a radio station. The camera moves in]
 
               
                                     DJ
                          We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Hallween 
                         Haunt at the South Park docks! Come 
                         on down! We've got a haunted house  
                         and everyone is decorating for tomorrow 
                         night,  HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn, 
                         that's right, KoRn, is going to play 
                         live! And don't forget to wear a costume 
                         tomorrow, because there's a big first 
                         prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying 
                         the Halloween Haunt now!  Say boys, 
                         what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween 
                         Haunt so far? 
 
                                     STAN
                         This one time, like eight months ago, 
                         I saw two guys kissing in a park. And 
                         that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, 
                         until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt. 
                         
 
                                     DJ
                         Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky 
                         docks, kids.
 
               [Further down the dock. The boys keep walking, and Cartman runs 
               up to meet them]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys!  You know what time of 
                         year it is?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right, and that means only two 
                         more months till Christmas! You'd better 
                         watch out, you'd better not cry—
 
                                     STAN
                         Christmas?

                                     CARTMAN
                         —Christmastime is presents for me.
 
                         
               [On another part of the dock, Jimbo and Ned leave a ticket booth]
 
               
                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, nuts! Come on, Ned, this ain't no 
                         whore house, it's a hor-ROR house.
 
                         
                                     GUESTS IN LINE
                         Awwww! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eeyyy , Spooky Laboratory, you guys. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Those things are stupid, Cartman. They 
                         just stick your hand in cold spaghetti 
                         and tell you it's intestines and stuff.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory! 
                          Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
 
                                     GUIDE
                         Welcome to Spooky Laboratory.  I'm your 
                         guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show 
                         around the lab. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Cool!

                                     DR. SPOOKALOT
                          Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ewww-hoohooo.

                                     DR. SPOOKALOT
                          And here you can feel the brains.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh-HO, grohoss.

                                     DR. SPOOKALOT
                          And here you can feel the warm innards 
                         of the body 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti! 
                         You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (You guys, I'm gonna try and win that 
                         costume contest!)
 
                                     KYLE
                          Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna 
                         win that costume contest! Your costumes 
                         always suck. 
 
                                     BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
                         BOO!

                                     STAN, KYLE, KENNY
                         Aaaaah! 

                                     BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
                         Ha ha ha ha ha! We scared you, chickens!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         W-we weren't scared!

                                     BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
                         Oh no? Well, you should be!  The pirate 
                         ghosts are gonna come getcha!
 
                                     KYLE
                         The what?

                                     BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
                         Didn't you know? There's an old legend 
                         in South Park that says these docks 
                         are haunted by pirate ghosts.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nuh-uh.

                                     BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
                         Yuh-huh. They roam these docks with 
                         their swords and hook-hands  looking 
                         for victims tuh...  cut up!
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Hoh!)

                                     STAN
                         That's just an old legend.

                                     PIRATE GHOST CUTOUT
                          Rar!

                                     STAN, KYLE, KENNY
                         Aaaaah! 

                                     BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
                          Ha ha ha ha, gotcha again, heh ha ha! 
                          Just wait till tomorrow! We're gonna 
                         scare you kids to death! Ha ha ha haa! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys, my hand totally smells like 
                         spaghetti now. Smell it. 
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring 
                         us all the time! We should come up with 
                         a way to scare them!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Let's see how they like it!

               [The KOZY-FM booth. The DJ is joined by the town's priest]

                                     DJ
                         Joining me now is Father Maxi, from 
                         the South Park Church. Father, what 
                         do you think of all the preparations 
                         here at the docks?
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                         Halloween is an abomination of God! 
                         A celebration of the occult-eh!
 
                                     DJ
                         Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the 
                         big concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting, 
                         huh?
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                         KoRn is a devil-worshipping group that 
                         plays violent music! If we allow that 
                         demon band to play on this most unholy 
                         of holidays, we may incur the full wrath 
                         of evil!
 
                                     DJ
                         Alriight, we'll see you tomorrow for 
                         Halloween! In the meantime  here's a 
                         KOZY hit by Barry Manilow.
 
               [The lake. The boys are still on the docks...]

                                     STAN
                         Come on, you guys, think! How can we 
                         scare the fifth graders? It has to be 
                         something reeaally scary.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We could get a big scary plastic spider, 
                         and dangle it in front of them on a 
                         string... s- spooky spider, that's pretty 
                         scary.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's not scary, fatass!

                                     STAN
                         Well, come on! We can think of something 
                         better than stupid pirate ghosts! 
 
                         
                                     PIRATE GHOSTS
                         Darrrr!

               [The woods. A van rumbles down a road. On the side it reads, 
               "KoRn." Several men inside it talk]
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Are you sure we're goin' the right way?
 
                         
                                     DAVID
                         I don't know. This map doesn't make 
                         any sense.
 
                                     HEAD
                         That's because you've got it upside 
                         down, chowderhead! 
 
                                     DAVID
                          Oops.

                                     FIELDY
                         When are we gonna get to the gig? I'm 
                         starving.
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Don't think about it. We'll just keep 
                         playing our game. Raady? I spy with 
                         my little eye something that begins 
                         with the letter T!
 
                                     MUNKY
                         I know! A t-ree!

                                     JONATHAN
                         You've got it. I spy with my little 
                         eye something that begins with the letter 
                         R.
 
                                     DAVID
                         A road?

                                     JONATHAN
                         That's it! 

                                     PIRATES
                         Darrrr!

               [further down the road...]

                                     JONATHAN
                         Okay, here's one. I spy with my little 
                         eye something that begins with the letter 
                         P.
 
                                     HEAD
                         The letter P?

                                     FIELDY
                         What the heck starts with the letter 
                         P?
 
                                     JONATHAN
                          Puh-pirate ghosts! 

                                     ALL
                         Aaaaah! 

               [The Cartman house. Cartman walks towards the sofa with a catalog 
               in hand]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom! You got the new Duffy's catalog! 
                         I-I'm gonna circle everything I want 
                         for Christmas, okay? Mom? Okay? O-kay 
                         , let's see.  I waant... thiis... aand... 
                         this...  and...  let's see, comes with so... 
                          ...comes with two bars , so there we 
                         go, have that...  and, let's see...
 
                                     LIANE
                          Eric, your little friends are here.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom, mom! You wanna see what I want 
                         for Christmas?
 
                                     LIANE
                         E-heric, it's only Halloween.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's only 72 shopping days left for 
                         you!
 
                                     STAN
                          Come on, fatass, we have to go!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! Don't call me fat!  Mom, don't laugh.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         I'm sorry, hon,

                                     CARTMAN
                          I can't go with you guys right now.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yes you can, porky. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom, seriously! 

                                     LIANE
                         Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't 
                         fat, his big-boned.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He must have a huge bone in his ass, 
                         then. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God-damnit, mom!

               [Outside, night. The boys head out and away]

                                     CARTMAN
                          God, I hate you guys!

                                     STAN
                         Okay, so we figured out how to scare 
                         the fifth graders.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How?

                                     STAN
                         What's the scariest thing we could get?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Spooky spider?

                                     STAN
                         No!  A dead body.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, fatass, a dead body.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You mean, we make something that looks 
                         like a dead body?
 
                                     STAN
                         We could never make one that looks real 
                         enough.  To be really scary, it would 
                         have to be real.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, fatass, it has to be real to be 
                         scary!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So where the hell are we going to get 
                         a dead body?
 
                                     STAN
                          We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead grandma.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, fatass, we're goona dig up-  Dig 
                         up Kyle's dead grandma??
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, she's perfect. She only died, 
                         like, three months ago, right?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Are you insane?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         U-hi think that's a sweet idea!

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! We'er not digging up my grandma; 
                         I'll get in trouble.
 
                                     STAN
                         All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard, 
                         dig her up, scare the fifth graders, 
                         then put her back before anyone notices 
                         she's gone,
 
                                     KYLE
                          Naww, let's dig up somebody else.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Relax, dude. What's the big deal? Think 
                         about it: if your grandma knew that 
                         she could help you, even in death, she 
                         would want to.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This is gonna be fun!

               [The graveyard. Spooky music and a howling wolf punctuate the 
               foggy atmosphere as a full moon rises. Kyle leads the way with 
               a flashlight. Cartman is singing]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in', 
                         ring ting tingle-in' too
 
               Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you, 
               and you, and you.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas 
                         carols? We have to be quiet, or else 
                         we're gonna get busted!
 
                                     KYLE
                          This must be it. "Cleo Broflovski" 
                         That's my grandma. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, let's dig 'er up! 

                                     KYLE
                         Wait. I don't know if this is cool.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Of course it's cool! She's gonna be 
                         all rotted and scary!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I don't think my mom would want me doin' 
                         this.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          "Ooh, I don't wanna dig up my dead 
                         grandma 'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!" 
                          Ow.
 
                                     STAN
                         You guys be quiet! Now, do you wanna 
                         get back at the fifth graders or not?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I don't really care, dude.

                                     STAN
                         Yes you do! Now, dig! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Outside the snow is falling and friends 
                         are calling, "You-hoo"...
 
               [Later. The casket is now vertical, leaning against the tombstone]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Okay. It's almost open. Ready? One, 
                         two, three!  Whoa, dude.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, my God.  Hi, ...Grandma.

                                     A VOICE
                         Hi, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                          Aaaah!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have 
                         you been making Grandma proud?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh heh, I'm sweet.

                                     KYLE
                         Alright, alright, let's get this over 
                         with so we can put her back!
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, grab the sled. 

               [The docks. A dog is sniffing at the boards, then raises his 
               head. He growls and runs off stage left. The boys come in from 
               the other side pulling the corpse, and Cartman sings]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas 
                         time in the city...
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay. Let's just hide her here, and 
                         tomorrow, during the Halloween party, 
                         we'll come back in our costumes and 
                         use her to scare the fifth graders.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         How exactly are we gonna use her to 
                         scare them?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We could shove a stick up her ass and 
                         use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, 
                         I'm scary Grandma!"
 
                                     KYLE
                         Alright, that does it, Cartman! That's 
                         my grandma! You show her some God-damned 
                         respect!
 
                                     MALE VOICE
                          O-o-o-o-oh. 

                                     STAN
                         Who was that?

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It wasn't me! 

                                     MALE VOICE
                         Who-o-oa.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, not cool. This is scary. 

                                     THE BOYS
                         Wa-a-a-ah!

                                     MUNKY
                         Hey! Like, it's just some kids.

                                     JONATHAN
                         Oh, fwooh, I was really scared there, 
                         for a second.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hay, you're that band KoRn.

                                     JONATHAN
                         Yeah. I'm Jonathan , and this is Munky 
                         , David , Fieldy , and Head . And over 
                         there is our pal, Nibblet.  Hey, where'd 
                         Nibblet go?
 
                                     NIBBLET
                          Uh-huh, Nibblet likes potato chips.
 
                         
                                     KORN
                         Nibblet!

                                     NIBBLET
                          Okay.

                                     STAN
                         What are you guys doing out here?

               Head;	We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were 
               run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts.
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. They're tryin' to scare everybody 
                         'cause they're gay wads.
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't worry. We're about to go get 'em 
                         back.
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Oh, swell. We're supposed to play here 
                         tomorrow. Do you know where the stage 
                         is?
 
                                     STAN
                          Yeah, dude. It's right over there.
 
                         
                                     KORN
                         O-kay! 

                                     JONATHAN
                         Oh, hi. We're KoRn. We're supposed to 
                         play the Halloween concert tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     FR. MAXI
                         I know who you are and what you stand 
                         for! I think your music and Halloweenn 
                         is an abomination!
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Groovy! Could you show us where to set 
                         up?
 
               [The boys walk a little further, and Cartman pulls the sled over 
               to one side of a stack of boxes]
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, let's just set her over here 
                         behind these boxes. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Shouldn't we hide her better than that?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Kyle, will you stop worrying? God! Now, 
                         we'll all be back here tomorrow with 
                         our costumes, and then, when the Halloween 
                         party gets going, we'll bust out dead 
                         Grandma! Let's go! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wait till you guys see my costume! It's 
                         gonan be sweet!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta 
                         win now!)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, come on, Kenny! You never have a 
                         sweet costume! You're not gonna win 
                         the costume contest!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yes I am! I've got the costume; it's 
                         waiting in the house! Yesterday I got 
                         this huge package in the mail, and it 
                         was big, okay?) 
 
               [The next day. Two uniformed men approach the Broflovski house. 
               One of them rings the bell.]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hold on, kids. 

                                     BRUNET
                         Mrs. Broflovski?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yes?

                                     BRUNET
                         We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery. Could 
                         we have a word with you?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Eehh, sure, come in.  What is it?

                                     BRUNET
                         Ms. Broflovski... somebody has defiled 
                         your mother's grave.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Defiled? How?

                                     BLOND
                         Well, I'm afraid that... somebody dug 
                         her up.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Dug her up? Why??

                                     BRUNET
                         Well. Theh- most likely reason is that... 
                         somebody wanted to have sex with her 
                         dead body.
 
                                     BLOND
                         Yeahp.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         What?!

                                     BRUNET
                         Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but 
                         it happens. Somebody's probably making 
                         love to her corpse as we speak.
 
                                     BLOND
                         Every vile position, every disrespectful 
                         act imaginable.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hoh, dear God!

                                     BRUNET
                         Yes. By now he's probably even removed 
                         her eyes and made love to the empty 
                         sockets as well.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Oooh.

                                     BLOND
                         No-, we don't want to upset you, but 
                         you should know that your mother's body 
                         would be stiff and dry, so he would 
                         have to have it soaked in warm water 
                         for several hours before making love 
                         to it.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          O-o-o-o-oh!

                                     BRUNET
                         Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
 
                         
                                     BLOND
                         Brace yourself.

                                     BRUNET
                         It is highly possible that he has created 
                         new orifices in her decomposing flesh, 
                         leaving her to look something like — 
                         an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She 
                         probably-
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell 
                         me what you're gonna do about it!
 
                         
                                     BRUNET
                         ...Do?

                                     BLOND
                         Oh, we don't do anything. We're just 
                         the watchmen.
 
                                     BRUNET
                         Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna 
                         call the police or something.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         O-o-ogh! 

                                     BRUNET
                          Now, he probably would make love to 
                         the dead body in a cool dry place, so 
                         as not to allow further decomposition. 
                         
 
               [The Cartman house. A delivery man walks towards it with a package 
               and rings the bell. Cartman answers]
 
                                     DELIVERY MAN
                         Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         A package? Oh, really? Well, I think 
                         I can sign for that!
 
                                     DELIVERY MAN
                         Sign heah, and heah, and heah. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas 
                         present!  ...Maybe I can see what it is. 
                         I'll just open one little corner.  Let's 
                         see here.  That's good, I'll rewrap 
                         it later!  Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up 
                         Antonio Banderas love doll! With realistic 
                         geni-ta-lia.  Oh, this kicks ass! What 
                         a cool Christmas present my mom got! 
                         
 
               [The lake. The docks are bustling again, and the DJ is in his 
               booth]
 
                                     DJ
                         It's Halloween day, so come on down 
                         to the docks and bring your costumes! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Where's Kenny? He said he had the best 
                         Halloween costume ever. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Nyah nyahnyahnyah nyah nyah. Guess 
                         wha-at I got? Antonio Banderas blow-up 
                         doll. You guys didn't get one.
 
                                     STAN
                         Where's your costume, fatass?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas 
                         present! In a few days I'll wrap it 
                         back up, and then when I open it on 
                         Christmas, I'll act all, like, surprised, 
                         like "Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized 
                         blow-up doll! What a surprise!" 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                         (Hey, guys. Uh, check out this kick-ass 
                         cool costume.)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         U-huh, nice costume, Kenny. If you think 
                         you're gonna win with that, huh!
 
                                     STAN
                          Alright. The fifth graders are gonna 
                         be here soon. Let's get Kyle's grandma! 
                          This is gonna be sweet
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Uuh, problem, guys.

                                     STAN
                         What's the problem?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nno Grandma.

                                     KYLE
                         No Grandma??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nno Grandma.

                                     KYLE
                          She's not here!

                                     STAN
                         She has to be here! 

                                     KYLE
                         Well, she's not here! That's just great! 
                         Thanks a lot, Stan! You're gonna get 
                         me busted again!
 
               [City Hall, outside. Officer Barbrady stands behind a podium 
               addressing the crowd]
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Okay, people. I know we all want to 
                         get down to the docks for the Halloween 
                         Haunt, but first we just need to inform 
                         you about thee- people or persons out 
                         there digging up bodies to have sex 
                         with them. Gentlemen? 
 
                                     BRUNET
                         Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. 
                         A person who steals bodies to have sex 
                         with them is called a necrophiliac. 
                         So that you all know what to expect, 
                         my partner Alan has a sketch of what 
                         having sex with a dead body might look 
                         like. 
 
                                     CROWD
                         Ee-oooh!

                                     BRUNET
                         Yes, we know it's horrible. It's probably 
                         best you not look at it. Now, Alan will 
                         demostrate what having sex with a dead 
                         body might sound like. 
 
                                     CROWD
                         Awwwgh! 

                                     MAN
                         Excuse me, how is this helping?

                                     BARBRADY
                         That's it, folks. Now, we can all go 
                         to the docks and enjoy the Halloween 
                         Haunt.
 
                                     PIRATE VOICE
                         Noo! Don't go to the docks!  Aarrrgh! 
                          Argh, I'm Captain Bly! You land-lubbers 
                         had better stay away from the docks! 
                         Or else, there'll be hell to pay!  Fire 
                         the cannon!  Har harharharhar! 
 
                                     PIRATE GHOST 2
                         Arrrgh! 

                                     CAPTAIN BLY
                         We won't warn ya again! Stay away from 
                         our docks! 
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                          I warned you! I told you this would 
                         happen!  When you allow bands like KoRn 
                         to come to town and play your hedonistic 
                         Hallowen concerts, this is what you 
                         get!
 
               [The docks. KoRn is practicing on stage.]

                                     JONATHAN
                         Great rehearsal, gang. That was really 
                         groovy. Let's practice one more time 
                         before the show starts.
 
                                     DJ
                         Aah, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween 
                         Haunt's been cancelled.
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Cancelled?

                                     DJ
                         You best clear out of here! There's 
                         pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you. 
                         
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Well gang, it looks like we have to 
                         pack it up.
 
                                     THE OTHERS
                         Awww. 

                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit! Now, what the hell are we 
                         gonna do?!
 
                                     MUNKY
                         Oh, hey! The kids from last night.
 
                         
                                     HEAD
                         Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized 
                         blow-up doll? 
 
                                     DAVID
                         Hey, Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                          (Aw, man!) 

                                     JONATHAN
                         Say, what's the matter? You kids look 
                         kind of glum.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Somebody took my dead grandma.

                                     FIELDY
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare 
                         the fifth graders, but then, something 
                         took her body away.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Now she's doomed to walk the earth in 
                         limbo. 
 
                                     FIELDY
                         Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry.
 
                         
                                     JONATHAN
                         Well, that does it. Somethin' funny 
                         is going on here. Your missing grandma 
                         must be connected somehow to those creepy 
                         pirate ghosts.
 
                                     DAVID
                         They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, 
                         they're ghost pirates.
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Huh?

                                     DAVID
                         "Pirate ghost" would suggest that a 
                         pirate died, and became a ghost, but 
                         a ghost pirate is a ghost that later 
                         made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
 
                         
                                     MUNKY
                         No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, 
                         because they're the ghosts of pirates.
 
                         
                                     FIELDY
                         You're wrong, because there were no 
                         pirates in Colorado. So these must be 
                         ghosts that have decided to become pirates 
                         after the fact.
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         But that makes them pirate ghosts.
 
                         
                                     DAVID
                         No. It makes them ghost pirates.

                                     MUNKY
                         Pirate ghosts!

                                     HEAD
                         Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna 
                         solve anything. Don't you see? This 
                         is exactly what those ghost pirates 
                         want us to do.
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Pirate ghosts.

                                     KYLE
                         Then, you'll help us?

                                     JONATHAN
                         Sure, we'll help you. If there's one 
                         thing we like more than playing music, 
                         it's solvin' a groovy mystery.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Al-right!

               [City Hall. People are still laying on floor. Chef arrives]
 
               
                                     CHEF
                         Is everybody okay?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          People stealing bodies to have sex 
                         with them? Pirate ghosts destroying 
                         the town? When did everything go so 
                         wrong?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I hate to say it, but I think Priest 
                         Maxi was right. This is what we get 
                         for celebrating Halloween and allowing 
                         that band KoRn to come play.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong 
                         in this town before that evil KoRn band 
                         showed up.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Well, I say we go find them and kick 
                         their devil-worshipping butts out of 
                         town!
 
                                     CROWD
                         Yeah! 

                                     RANDY
                         Lynch mob! 

                                     MAN
                         Down with KoRn!

               [Halloween night, the docks. KoRn and the boys are still talking...]
 
               
                                     JONATHAN
                         So this is where you last saw your dead 
                         grandma.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Right. 

                                     STAN
                         Maybe there really are pirate ghosts 
                         and they took her inside.
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Alright, gang, we have to split up and 
                         look for clues.
 
                                     STAN
                         How should we split up?

                                     JONATHAN
                         I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys 
                         having obstacles in their life, which 
                         they can overcome, go this way,  and 
                         everyone whose insecurities sabotage 
                         their potential to overcome those obstacles 
                         go that way. 
 
                                     KORN
                         O-kay! 

                                     KYLE
                         Wow! That was easy.

               [The lynch mob reaches the docks and head for the van. Randy 
               reaches it first.]
 
                                     RANDY
                          Here's their van! Here's their van!
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Let's flip it over!

                                     SOEM FOLKS
                         Yeah!

                                     BARBRADY
                          Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly. 
                         The best way to do this is, all get 
                         on one side and push it from the top. 
                         
 
                                     MAN
                         Devil woshippers! 

                                     CROWD
                         Yeah!

                                     MAN 2
                         Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!
 
                         
               [A warehouse. The secure group walks along with Nibblet. Munky 
               is not with them.]
 
                                     STAN
                         This place gives me the creeps.

                                     JONATHAN
                         Say, this looks like a clue.  "Pirate 
                         Lore of South Park." Hmmm. Now, why 
                         would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa. What was that?

                                     JONATHAN
                         The noise came from in here. Stay close, 
                         everybody! 
 
                                     FIELDY
                          Oh, no! I lost my glasses.

               [The insecure group walks in a darkened part of the warehouse. 
               Munky is in that group now.]
 
                                     HEAD
                         What does this dead grandma look like?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy 
                         and stuff.
 
                                     DAVID
                         Hey, I got an idea.  We should set a 
                         groovy trap.
 
                                     MUNKY
                         Good idea.

                                     CARTMAN
                         How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?
 
                         
                                     DAVID
                         We need something that might catch their 
                         eye to use as bait. I know, your Antonio 
                         Banderas love doll.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, no! This is my Christmas present! 
                         If anything happens to it, my mom will 
                         know I opened it early!
 
                                     MUNKY
                         Come on, kid. We all have to do our 
                         part, even Antonio.
 
               [The lit side of the warehouse. Fieldy is still looking for his 
               glasses]
 
                                     FIELDY
                         My glasses gotta be around here somewhere. 
                          Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm glad 
                         to see you. I lost my glasses.
 
                                     PEG-LEG
                         Raaarrrgh!

                                     FIELDY
                         Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?

                                     PEG-LEG
                         Raarraarrgh! 

                                     FIELDY
                         Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song, 
                         man! Remember that one! 
 
                                     JONATHAN
                          Fieldy, what are you doing?!

                                     FIELDY
                          Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan. 
                         ...Hey, wait a minute. If you're over 
                         there, then how could you be over here? 
                         Unless you're actually a...
 
                                     ALL
                         Puh-puuhh pirate ghost! 

                                     PEG-LEG
                         Raaarrrgh!

               [The darkened part of the warehouse. The trap is set]

                                     DAVID
                         Okay. Here's how the trap will work. 
                         When the pirate ghosts walk in, they 
                         should go right for Antonio Banderas. 
                          When they hit the super-slippery floor, 
                         they'll slide onto this mining cart, 
                         which should travel down this path, 
                         into the next room, where the fish net 
                         will fall on them.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, cool!

                                     MUNKY
                         Hey! Somebody's coming. 

                                     SECURE GROUP
                         Aaaaah!

                                     STAN
                         We've got to hide!

                                     JONATHAN
                         Hey, there's Antonio Banderas! He'll 
                         help us.  Mr. Banderas!
 
                                     DAVID
                          Jonathan, no!

                                     SECURE GROUP
                          Aaaah! 

                                     HEAD
                         Oh, no!

                                     SECURE GROUP
                         Aaaah! 

                                     STAN
                         Ow!

                                     DAVID
                         Hold on, guys! 

                                     BRUNET
                         Alright, KoRn, time for you to get out 
                         of town! 
 
                                     PIRATE GHOSTS
                         Aarrrrgh.

                                     CROWD
                          Aaaaaah!

                                     RANDY
                         KoRn is sending their demon minions 
                         upon us!
 
                                     CROWD
                          Aaaaaah!

                                     JONATHAN
                          Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna 
                         have to use our special KoRn powers. 
                          KoRn powers, vitalize! 
 
                                     MUNKY
                         Munky!

                                     DAVID
                         David!

                                     FIELDY
                         Fieldy!

                                     HEAD
                         Head!

                                     JONATHAN
                         Jonathan!

                                     KORN
                         Form of... CORN! 

                                     JONATHAN
                         Alright! Great job, gang! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         That didn't help at all.

                                     HEAD
                         We know. It's just cool to do.

                                     PIRATE GHOSTS
                         Aarrrrgh!

                                     NIBBLET
                          Nibblet! 

                                     KORN
                          Nibblet!

                                     BARBRADY
                         What the hell is that thing??

                                     DAVID
                         You did it, Nibblet! You trapped them!
 
                         
                                     JONATHAN
                          Yeah. And now let's see who these pirate 
                         ghosts really are!  Oh, I guess they 
                         really were pirate ghosts.
 
                                     BARBRADY
                          Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic 
                         shenanigans and come downtown with me!
 
                         
                                     NIBBLET
                          Hehey, look what Nibblet sees. 

                                     FR. MAXI
                         Whoa! 

                                     CHEF
                         What the...?

                                     MAN
                         Fr. Maxi?

                                     FR. MAXI
                          Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?! 
                         Arrest that band!
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh?

                                     JONATHAN
                         No! Arrest him!

                                     MOB
                         Huh??

                                     JONATHAN
                         I think I've got this groovy mystery 
                         solved!
 
               [Outside. The mystery has apparently been explained. The priest 
               is now under arrest]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, I must say I still don't get this 
                         at all.
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want 
                         there to be a Halloween, so he decided 
                         to scare everyone away from the docks.
 
                         
                                     DAVID
                         Yeah. And then he used this flashlight 
                         and some cotton swabs to create the 
                         ghosts. 
 
                                     FIELDY
                          Then all he needed was some sound effects 
                         created by this cup and a piece of cheese. 
                          Aaaaraargh!
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         And all he had to do then was create 
                         a ghost ship, by using some candles, 
                         a mirror, and two squirrels. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Father, why did you go to all this trouble?
 
                         
                                     FR. MAXI
                         Because Halloween is an abomination 
                         of God. I would do anything to stop 
                         this wretched, unholy holiday!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Including killing people and wreaking 
                         havoc all over South Park?
 
                                     BRUNET
                         Don't you see that by trying to stop 
                         Halloween you've scared the hell out 
                         of everybody?
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                         No.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Okay buddy, you can explain downtown! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, this is all fine and good, but 
                         it doesn't explain what happened to 
                         my mother's body!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Where's Grandma? 

                                     MOB
                         Eeewww! 

                                     STAN
                         There she is!

                                     MOB
                         Oooh!

                                     MAN
                         Ho-hoh.

                                     CHEF
                         Well thanks a lot, KoRn! You KoRn powers 
                         really came through for us!
 
                                     SHARON
                         Yes! We were wrong about you. Will you 
                         please play for our Halloween party?
 
                         
                                     JONATHAN
                         Well, sure. Why the heck not?

                                     MOB
                         All right! 

                                     PIRATE VOICE
                         Raarrrr!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, no! The pirate ghosts are back! 
                         
 
                                     ALL
                         Nibblet!

                                     NIBBLET
                         Uh oh!

               [The stage on the docks. KoRn is preparing for their concert. 
               The mob is spread out in front of the stage. Jonathan takes the 
               mic.]
 
                                     JONATHAN
                         Well, this sure has been a wacky night, 
                         but me and the gang learned a lot, and 
                         we hope you did too. You all perceived 
                         us to be mean, evil people, but, really, 
                         we're just normal guys. And we all perceived 
                         pirate ghosts to be real when, actually, 
                         they were just cotton swabs. So I guess 
                         the lesson is: it's easy to perceive 
                         somethin' someway, and then be wrong. 
                         So we all need to learn to be a little 
                         less perceptive.
 
                                     ALL
                          Yeah.

                                     JONATHAN
                         The gang and I wrote a song about it, 
                         and it goes goes a little somethin' 
                         like this:
 
               And a-one, and-a-two, and a [goes right into "Falling Away From 
               Me." The strobe lights come on, and the crowd looks a little 
               stunned. The fifth graders are at the very front of the crowd, 
               and the body of Grandma Broflovski inches up to them]
 
                                     STAN
                         Boo!

                                     FIFTH GRADERS
                         Aaaah! 

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Sweet! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Antonio, no!  You son of a bitch chicken 
                         from outer space... thing, come back here! 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And the winner of the costume contest 
                         is  Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume! 
                         Come on up, Wendy. 
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Awww.)

               [End of KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery... Wait a minute! Dejected, 
               Kenny walks away slowly from the crowd. A tiny snowspeeder flies 
               by and wraps a cable around his costume's legs. He begins to 
               stumble]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (What the hell? What the fuck is this?!) 
                         
 

KoRn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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