"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 702
"KRAZY KRIPPLES"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre]
[Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on
stage and an announcer speaks]
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for
JIMMY! Thank you! Wow. What a terrific
audience. I know what most of you are
thinking. "Hey, uh-that guy stole my
show..." Wow, what a great audience.
And how about this Michael Jackson guy,
huh? I mean, come on... Wow, what a
great audience. Uh... l... lights,
please?
BUTTERS
Hey Jimmy.
JIMMY
Butters, w-where is everybody?
BUTTERS
Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher
Reeve came to town to do some kind of
show, and everyone went to see him.
JIMMY
Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?!
BUTTERS
You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy
who played Superman.
JIMMY
I know who he is! But why is everyone
ditching my comedy show to see him?!
BUTTERS
Ww-well, because he got crippled, but
now he can move his finger. He is an
inspiration to us all. That's why everyone
ditched on your show.
JIMMY
So then, how come you came?
BUTTERS
Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm
a dork, huh?
[South Park Town Sq... Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square.
Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner
reads "STEM CELL RESEARCH." A crowd of people has formed in front
of the stage]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
And so without further ado, here's the
most courageous, most amazing man on
the planet, Christopher Reeve.
REEVE
Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great
audience. I just flew into South Park.
Used to be I didn't need an airplane.
TOWNSPEOPLE
Awwwww.
REEVE
As most of you know, I am a strong
supporter of stem-cell research.
JIMMY
Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin'
to my ...c-comedy show!
CARTMAN
We didn't go to your comedy show.
JIMMY
I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious!
STAN
Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude.
JIMMY
Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do!
KYLE
Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't
make fun of Christopher Reeve.
STAN
Yeah dude, not cool.
REEVE
Though it is controversial, stem cell
research is critical in the quest for
helping the disabled.
JIMMY
I put together a comedy show and I was
crippled from BIRTH!
STAN
Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay
out of this one.
KYLE
Yeah, this is starting to look like
something we shouldn't be any part of.
Let's go play with trucks or something.
TIMMY
Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a.
JIMMY
Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy?
TIMMY
Timmeh!!
JIMMY
Why is a celebrity who became crippled
more important than us that were born
that way, very much.
TIMMY
Rrruh Timmeh!
REEVE
In the coming days I will prove to
the world that stem-cell research is
a miracle.
[The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their
trucks.]
CARTMAN
Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep.
JIMMY
Hey there fellas.
STAN
Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
Say, would you guys like to join our
club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You
aren't crippled.
KYLE
What?
JIMMY
To be in our club, not only do you have
to be c-c-crippled, but you have to
have been born that way. Do you know
what that means? No butthole Superman
asswipe Christopher Reeve!
STAN
That's nice, guys. We're just gonna
stay out of this one.
CARTMAN
Hey, wait a minute! You guys can't
just start a club and tell me I can't
be in it!
JIMMY
Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join.
CARTMAN
Can too!
JIMMY
Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. You know what you call an able-bodied
guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name
is.
CARTMAN
Oh God-damnit!!
KYLE
Cartman, just stay out of it.
CARTMAN
But they say I can't be in their club!!
STAN
Cartman, trust me. We don't want any
part in this one.
["The T-shirt Factory", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it
and enter]
JIMMY
Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy.
MCGILLICUDDY
Hello, boys. What can I do for you?
JIMMY
Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design
for our new club. We just came up with
a name this morning.
MCGILLICUDDY
Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna
wear these shirts
JIMMY
Why not?
MCGILLICUDDY
Well, because there already is a group
that calls themselves the Crips, and
I don't think they'd like it too much.
JIMMY
...There's already a Crips?!
MCGILLICUDDY
Well, sure, they're all over at Five
Points area in Denver. You've never
heard of them?
JIMMY
No, we never have. Are they crippled
from birth or are they cripple wannabes
like Christopher Reeve?
MCGILLICUDDY
...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one.
["The T-shirt Factory", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and
Timmy exit]
JIMMY
Can you believe it, Timmy? All this
time there was a group for truly crippled
people like ourselves, and we didn't
know it.
TIMMY
Timmmeh!
JIMMY
Come on. We have to take the bus to
Five Points in Denver.
[The Larry King Show on HNN, on air.]
KING
My guest tonight is the brilliant star
of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher
Reeve, who,. with the help of stem-cell
research, is now able to move his arms.
REEVE
Thanks for having me on again, Larry.
KING
All right. Chris, the whole world is
waiting. Why don't you show us what
stem-cell research has done for you.
Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks?
Now, Chris, there're some people who
say stem-cell research is wrong, that
takling cells from a fetus is... unethical.
REEVE
Well, it just proves that the public
needs to be educated about stem-cell
research. See, the stem cells from a
fetus like this one can form into whatever
cells of the body are damaged. They
are the most powerful thing on the planet.
KING
And how does someone like yourself make
use of the stem cells, Chris?
REEVE
Well, it's very simple. And now you
can see, my arms have better movement.
KING
Wow. Wow.
[Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings
past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots,
and a woman's screams are heard.]
JIMMY
Excuse me, sir. we're looking for a
group of people called the Crips.
BUM
You are?
JIMMY
Do you know where they meet? We've already
tried the rec center and the library.
BUM
The Crips hang out at that old warehouse
down there, but ...nobody goes in there.
JIMMY
Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves.
Come on, Tim-Tim.
TIMMY
Timmmih!
[Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's
gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks
in]
JIMMY
Well hello everyone. I'm Jim Swanson,
and this is my friend Timmy.
TIMMY
Timmmih! Tih... ti-timmih.
JIMMY
Well, let us tell you a little bit
about ourselves. Timmy and I are both
true Crips, born and raised. We're the
only Crips in South Park, where we live,
and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc
Denver chapter.
LARGE CRIP
Is they for real, manh?
JIMMY
We just have one question before we
join your c-club. Do you think it's
better to be born a Crip, or to become
a Crip later by accident?
BRAIDED CRIP
The only Crips is born Crips, dawg.
TALL CRIP
Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident,
fool!
JIMMY
I agree. I mean, it's like "come on"!
Why do these people who become crippled
later in life think they're such great
pot-potatuhs?
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
Well, we're glad you see it our way,
fellas. So can we join your g... group?
BUFF CRIP
All right, you wanna thug with the Five
Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta
do is pop some punk-ass Bloods.
JIMMY
Well, sure. Tim and I would love to
pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific
at it.
TIMMY
Timmih?
JIMMY
I don't know, Timmy, just play along.
TIMMY
Uh-tu-Timmih!
BUFF CRIP
So you sayin' yuh down?
JIMMY
Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down
like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww...
Down like a clown, Charlie Browh...
Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie
Br-Brown.
JIMMY
Say Timmy, did you notice that all the
crippled people in that club are negros?
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I
mean, there's not one crippled colored
person in South Park.
OFFICER
Hey you kids.
JIMMY
Well hello, officers.
OFFICER
What the hell do you think you're doin'?
JIMMY
We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods.
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
Look, Timmy. There's a convenience
store. That must be what the fellas
meant by "pop some punk-ass Bloods."
They want us to get them some soda pop
and treats. Let's buy them ginger ale
and marshmallows. Then they'll let us
in the club for sure.
TIMMY
Oh, Timmih.
DRIVER
Oh shit!
JIMMY
Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver!
[back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back
at the warehouse]
BUFF CRIP
Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell
you about my little Gs, Roller and 4
Legs here. They just smoked thirteen
Bloods in one night!
CRIP 1
One night?
CRIP 2
You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One
night?
BUFF CRIP
That ain't never been done before!
58 CRIP
And they got us marshmallows and ginger
ale.
CRIPS
Uh huh. Cool. He's right.
JIMMY
So does that mean we can join the c-c...club?
BUFF CRIP
You're not just in, you're the baddest
mofo Crips in town! Cipac! Turn up
the beat so we can celebrate our new
Gs Five-Points style!
CIPAC
All right.
JIMMY
Wow, these guys really are crippled.
Timmy, I have a feeling that this is
the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant.
TIMMY
Timmih!
[Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy.
The occupants are Crips]
JIMMY
Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We
sure had a ...terrific time.
CIPAC
Alrighty. Keep it real though, dawg.
JIMMY
You dawgs keep it real, too.
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
Well, that sure was a terrific time.
Let's go all around tomorrow and show
everyone our new outfits, Timmy.
TIMMY
Timmih!
[Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom
worried]
MOM
There you are, Jimmy!
JIMMY
Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops?
POPS
Jimmy, you rmother was gettin' worried
about you.
JIMMY
No need to worry about me. I'm cool
like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool.
[Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begings speaking to the
camera]
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem
Cell Research Facility with terrific
news. Christopher Reeve, who was once
paralyzed, claims that he can now stand.
REEVE
Thank you everyone. To most people,
this is just an ordinary fetus. But
to people like me, it's hope.
CROWD
Uugh.
[Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the
floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his
arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs]
MR. GARRISON
What an inspiration.
REPORTER
Tom, many celebrities have spoken out
in protest of stem-cell research, but,
after seeing this, how can they protest
now?
STAN
Stay clear, guys, stay clear.
KYLE
Yup. I'm not seeing anything.
[City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and
Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits.]
MR. KIM
Hey Hey, I don't want no trouber!
JIMMY
Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung
...Pao Chicken, please.
MR. KIM
I don't want no trouble! You jus...
take what you want and reave!
TIMMY
Timmih!
MR. KIM
OH! Okay, okay! I opening register
TIMMY
Timmh.
JIMMY
What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade,
please.
TIMMY
Timmih.
MR. KIM
Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar!
It's all I have. Yeh take!
JIMMY
Hunh?
MR. KIM
You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar!
JIMMY
Ah- are you sure?
MR. KIM
I no want no trouble. Just take it and
reave!
JIMMY
Well gee, that's really nice of you,
Mr. ...Chinese person. Look Tim-Tim,
we got a cash prize. We must be the
...one hundredth customer or something.
MR. KIM
Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken,
and small ice tea!
JIMMY
Actually, it was a regular lemonade.
MR. KIM
AAAAAGH-agh!! I sorry! I sorry! I
no want no trouble. Here. Remonade.
Now go, just go!
JIMMY
Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time.
TIMMY
Timmih!
MR. KIM
Hello! Police? I've just been robbed
by two gang members!
[Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's
breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room,
then closes]
POPS
Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the
kitchen please?
JIMMY
Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops?
POPS
Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and
I need to talk to you. Son, your mother
and I have noticed a change in your
behavior. And... we're worried that
you might be involved in a gang.
JIMMY
A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well
sure. But I can't talk about the club
on account of it's sssuper secret, dawg.
MAMSIE
Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true!
JIMMY
Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean come
on. I'm finally a part of something,
very much.
RYAN
Jimmy, those people you're hanging out
with are no good.
JIMMY
Yo, don't be dissing my niggaz, dawg.
They're my f... friends.
MAMSIE
And what about your standup comedy,
Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on
that, too?
JIMMY
Nobody cared about my standup comedy!
All that hard work just to be outshined
by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole!
RYAN
Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God
made you the way he did for a reason!
JIMMY
Right. Because you and Mom used to make
fun of crippled kids in high school.
RYAN
That's right. You were sent here through
the vengeful and angry hand of God to
teach your mother and I a lesson. And
that's a big responsibility, son.
JIMMY
Look! My gang, which I can't talk about
because it's super secret, is the most
important thing to me now! And if you
two don't like it, you can just pass
the blunt to the nigga on your left.
[A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth,
having a headache.]
REEVE
Where's that delivery of new fetuses?!
Feeling weak again.
AIDE
Here's the new shipment, sir. Hey!
MAN
Hello there, Christopher.
REEVE
Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis
from the movies. How are you?
HACKMAN
I'm good. You?
REEVE
I am better with each passing day.
Stronger and more agile.
HACKMAN
Christopher, I've come to ask you to
stop what you're doing?
REEVE
What?
HACKMAN
Using stem cells is like playing God.
You should leave nature alone.
REEVE
And go back to the way I was? Is that
what you're saying, Hackman?
HACKMAN
I'm saying that sometimes you need to
just live with the cards you're dealt,
Christopher.
REEVE
Stop calling me Christopher! That name
no longer has meaning to me! Christopher
was someone who lived in a wheelchair!
Always being pushed around by others!
The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From
now on, I am... Chris!
[Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between
the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle]
JIMMY
Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on
the wall. Six-
BLOOD
Payback time, mothafucka!
JIMMY
Jesus Christ! Holy G...guacamole!
Freakin' Frijoles! Leapin' L-langosta.
BLOOD
East Side Bloods!
HYDE
We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson
from the Special Gang unit in Denver.
JIMMY
Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's
houses, officer?
RICHARDSON
Word on the street is it was a retaliation
hit by the Bloods.
JIMMY
The... B-Bloods?
HYDE
You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang!
The Bloods are at war with the Crips,
they kill each other all the time!
JIMMY
The-they do??
RICHARDSON
Don't act like you don't know, you lil
punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each
other, and if you stay in that gang,
you're gonna end up dead too.
JIMMY
But... but why do they hate each other?
HYDE
Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself,
but I'm not anymore!
JIMMY
Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher
Reeve?
HYDE
Come on. The only way these kids are
gonna get out of their gang is get killed.
RYAN
Sarah!
JIMMY
Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never
started a gang for people crippled from
birth. Now they're at war with the people
who are crippled from an accident. Boy
were we wrong.
TIMMY
Tim-mih.
JIMMY
Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy.
We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods
to sstop fighting. I bet if we could
just get them together... but how? Wu-wait
a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at
the rec center! We did it for our church
once. All we do is rent out the rec
center overnight. They lock the doors
so nobody can leave, and then everyone
has the whole night to play in the swimming
pool and laugh and talk.
TIMMY
Timmih!!
JIMMY
You get all the Crips you can to the
rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And
I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there.
TIMMY
Timmih!!
JIMMY
This is gonna be t-terrific!
[South Park, next day, in from ot Tom's Rhinoplasty]
REPORTER
Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher
Reeve had a horrible accident and was
paralyzed. The irony, of course, is
that the man who played Superman could
no longer walk. America watched in wonder
as he managed to move one of his fingers,
then his arms. And now, seen for the
first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve
is going to lift a truck up over his
head.
RANDY
Oh, what a fighter.
KYLE'S FATHER
That brave, brave man.
LIANE
He's an imspration to us all.
REPORTER
Tom, the irony is even more irony-y
as it appears that the stem cells have
given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman
strength.
HACKMAN
Chris, that's enough!
REEVE
Hello, Gene! So good to see you!
HACKMAN
You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop
using stem cells.
REEVE
Stem-cell research has made me stronger
than I ever thought possible! Why stop
now?!
REPORTER
Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the
man who played Superman's enemy Lex
Luthor in the movies, has now shown
up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell
research. If that isn't ironic, Tom,
I don't knw what is.
HACKMAN
They're affecting your mind, Chris.
If you won't stop using stem cells,
then we'll stop you!
REEVE
Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!! You won't
stop me, Hack Man! Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha
haa haa! Ya ha ha! Yaa haha!
REPORTER
Tom, if irony were made of strawberries,
we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies
right now.
[Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the
doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disgusied
as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat.]
JIMMY
Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises
and t-treats inside. Great to see you
all. What a terrific audience.
JANITOR
Are you sure you got everything you
need, young man?
JIMMY
We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by.
MR. APPLEBY
Just remember to make sure the kids
play safe in the pool area.
JIMMY
You bet.
MR. APPLEBY
I'll be back at seven to let you out.
You kids have a good time.
JIMMY
Oh, we will.
[Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the
gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is
a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball
hoop. The Crips stand in reply]
BUFF CRIP
The Bloods!
BLOOD 1
Oh shit! It's a trap!
BLOOD 2
Muthafucka Crips tryin' to smoke us
all out!
CRIP
What the hell is goin' on here?
JIMMY
It's called a lock-in at the rec center.
We can use all the rec center facilities.
We can play basketball, go swimming,
or even just kick it in the lounge area
with some games and ...p-puzzles.
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
But nobody can leave until it's seven
a.m., so if you wanna have a good time,
you're all just gonna have to learn
to get along. Theeerrre's pizzaaa.
[Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made
lake]
REPORTER
Tom, over five years ago, doctors told
Christopher Reeve that he would never
walk again, but the resilient actor
fought back, struggled against all odds,
and has now built his very own Legion
of Doom! The once immobile Mr. Reeve's
new organization will be commited to
world domination and evil. What an inspirational
story, Tom.
[Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing
before a group of villains, both real and imagined.]
REEVE
I have chosen each member of this elite
group of supervillains for their outstanding
treachery, Their desire for world conquest,
and their hatred of all things good!
And I've assembled this group for one
purpose! To once and for all find a
way to... get rid of Hack Man!!
DR. DOOM
Uhhh, how about domination of the world?
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels?
REEVE
Silence! OUR job is to see to it that
Hack Man is put out of commission.
PROFESSOR CHAOS
Oh boy, General Disarray, muh maybe
we just oughtta stay outta this one.
HACKMAN
Not so fast, Chris!
REEVE
Hack Man!
HACKMAN
We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell
research. Your fetus-sucking days are
over!
REEVE
No... NOOOO!
HACKMAN
And now we're goingn to put you somewhere
where you can never touch another fetus
again!
[Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge
each other.]
BUFF CRIP
You stupid mofos are dead!
BLOOD 3
Make the first shot, punk!
JIMMY
Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter
if we were crippled from birth, or crippled
in an accident. We're all brothers.
BLOOD 4
Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers!
JIMMY
Look: we hve the whole rec room to ourselves.
Can't we all just try having some fun
together?
58 CRIP
You talkin' crazy, dawg.
BLOOD 5
Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka!
JIMMY
Why don't we at least give it a chance?
I mean, Come on!
BUFF CRIP
Wait a minute. What did you say?
JIMMY
I said, "I mean, Come on!"
BLOOD 4
You know, maybe he's right. I mean,
Come on!
JIMMY
Come on.
BUFF CRIP
I guess we could at least give havin'
fun together a try. It's like Come
on.
BLOOD 6
Yeah. Come on.
CRIP 2
Yeah, that's right. Come on.
JIMMY
Come on.
SOMEONE
Come on.
ALL
Yeah, that's right. Come on.
BUFF CRIP
I've gotta give you two dawgs props
for puttin' an end to all this hate.
JIMMY
I told you, lock-ins at the rec center
always work. And you know, I've learned
something, too. I was player-hatin'
Christopher Butthole Reeve because he
got more attention than me. But just
like... y-you guys, I need to learn
to control my a... anger.
BLOOD
Right on!
CRIP
Hey little Roller, try some of this
chronic shit.
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
I guess we all learned that trying to
get along is way better than p... player
hatin'. The gang wrote a song about
it. Why don't we listen in?
GANG MEMBERS
It used to be that Crips and Bloods
didn't get along,
But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song.
Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love.
Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs.
[Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane
of glass.]
REEVE
You haven't seen the last of me, Hack
Man! I will be back!!
[The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the
celestial spectacle]
STAN
Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of
that one.
KYLE
Mee tooo.
THE END
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