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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 702


                                   "KRAZY KRIPPLES"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre]
 
               
               [Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on 
               stage and an announcer speaks]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for 
                         JIMMY!  Thank you! Wow. What a terrific 
                         audience.  I know what most of you are 
                         thinking. "Hey, uh-that guy stole my 
                         show..."  Wow, what a great audience. 
                         And how about this Michael Jackson guy, 
                         huh? I mean, come on...  Wow, what a 
                         great audience.  Uh... l... lights, 
                         please? 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey Jimmy.

                                     JIMMY
                         Butters, w-where is everybody?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher 
                         Reeve came to town to do some kind of 
                         show, and everyone went to see him.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy 
                         who played Superman.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         I know who he is! But why is everyone 
                         ditching my comedy show to see him?!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ww-well, because he got crippled, but 
                         now he can move his finger. He is an 
                         inspiration to us all. That's why everyone 
                         ditched on your show.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         So then, how come you came?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm 
                         a dork, huh? 
 
               [South Park Town Sq... Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square. 
               Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner 
               reads "STEM CELL RESEARCH." A crowd of people has formed in front 
               of the stage]
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         And so without further ado, here's the 
                         most courageous, most amazing man on 
                         the planet, Christopher Reeve. 
 
                                     REEVE
                         Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great 
                         audience.  I just flew into South Park. 
                          Used to be I didn't need an airplane.
 
                         
                                     TOWNSPEOPLE
                         Awwwww. 

                                     REEVE
                         As most of you know,  I am a strong 
                         supporter of stem-cell research.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin' 
                         to my ...c-comedy show! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We didn't go to your comedy show.

                                     JIMMY
                         I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude. 
                         
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't 
                         make fun of Christopher Reeve.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah dude, not cool.

                                     REEVE
                         Though it is controversial,  stem cell 
                         research is critical  in the quest for 
                         helping  the disabled.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         I put together a comedy show and I was 
                         crippled from BIRTH! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay 
                         out of this one.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, this is starting to look like 
                         something we shouldn't be any part of. 
                         Let's go play with trucks or something. 
                         
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a.

                                     JIMMY
                          Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy?
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmeh!!

                                     JIMMY
                         Why is a celebrity who became crippled 
                         more important than us that were born 
                         that way, very much.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Rrruh Timmeh!

                                     REEVE
                         In the coming days  I will prove to 
                         the world  that stem-cell research is 
                         a miracle.
 
               [The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their 
               trucks.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Hey there fellas.

                                     STAN
                         Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         Say, would you guys like to join our 
                         club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You 
                         aren't crippled. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     JIMMY
                         To be in our club, not only do you have 
                         to be c-c-crippled, but you have to 
                         have been born that way. Do you know 
                         what that means? No butthole Superman 
                         asswipe Christopher Reeve!
 
                                     STAN
                         That's nice, guys. We're just gonna 
                         stay out of this one. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, wait a minute!  You guys can't 
                         just start a club and tell me I can't 
                         be in it!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Can too!

                                     JIMMY
                          Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people 
                         does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
                         One.  You know what you call an able-bodied 
                         guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name 
                         is. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh God-damnit!!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, just stay out of it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But they say I can't be in their club!!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, trust me.  We don't want any 
                         part in this one.
 
               ["The T-shirt Factory", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it 
               and enter]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy. 
                         
 
                                     MCGILLICUDDY
                         Hello, boys. What can I do for you?
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design 
                         for our new club.  We just came up with 
                         a name this morning. 
 
                                     MCGILLICUDDY
                         Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna 
                         wear these shirts
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Why not?

                                     MCGILLICUDDY
                         Well, because there already is a group 
                         that calls themselves the Crips, and 
                         I don't think they'd like it too much.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          ...There's already a Crips?!

                                     MCGILLICUDDY
                         Well, sure, they're all over at Five 
                         Points area in Denver. You've never 
                         heard of them?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         No, we never have. Are they crippled 
                         from birth or are they cripple wannabes 
                         like Christopher Reeve?
 
                                     MCGILLICUDDY
                         ...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one. 
                         
 
               ["The T-shirt Factory", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and 
               Timmy exit]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Can you believe it, Timmy? All this 
                         time there was a group for truly crippled 
                         people like ourselves, and we didn't 
                         know it.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmmeh!

                                     JIMMY
                         Come on. We have to take the bus to 
                         Five Points in Denver.
 
               [The Larry King Show on HNN, on air.]

                                     KING
                         My guest tonight is the brilliant star 
                         of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher 
                         Reeve, who,. with the help of stem-cell 
                         research, is now able to move his arms.
 
                         
                                     REEVE
                         Thanks for having me on again, Larry.
 
                         
                                     KING
                         All right. Chris, the whole world is 
                         waiting. Why don't you show us what 
                         stem-cell research has done for you. 
                          Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks? 
                         Now, Chris, there're some people who 
                         say stem-cell research is wrong, that 
                         takling cells from a fetus is... unethical.
 
                         
                                     REEVE
                         Well, it just proves that the public 
                         needs to be educated  about stem-cell 
                         research. See, the stem cells from a 
                         fetus like this one  can form into whatever 
                         cells of the body are damaged. They 
                         are the most powerful thing on the planet.
 
                         
                                     KING
                         And how does someone like yourself make 
                         use of the stem cells, Chris?
 
                                     REEVE
                         Well, it's very simple.  And now you 
                         can see, my arms have better movement.
 
                         
                                     KING
                         Wow.  Wow.

               [Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings 
               past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots, 
               and a woman's screams are heard.]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Excuse me, sir.  we're looking for a 
                         group of people called the Crips.
 
                         
                                     BUM
                         You are?

                                     JIMMY
                         Do you know where they meet? We've already 
                         tried the rec center and the library.
 
                         
                                     BUM
                         The Crips hang out at that old warehouse 
                         down there,  but ...nobody goes in there.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves. 
                         Come on, Tim-Tim.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmmih! 

               [Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's 
               gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks 
               in]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well hello everyone.  I'm Jim Swanson, 
                         and this is my friend Timmy.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmmih!  Tih... ti-timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                          Well, let us tell you a little bit 
                         about ourselves. Timmy and I are both 
                         true Crips, born and raised. We're the 
                         only Crips in South Park, where we live, 
                         and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc 
                         Denver chapter.
 
                                     LARGE CRIP
                         Is they for real, manh?

                                     JIMMY
                         We just have one question before we 
                         join your c-club. Do you think it's 
                         better to be born a Crip, or to become 
                         a Crip later by accident?
 
                                     BRAIDED CRIP
                         The only Crips is born Crips, dawg.
 
                         
                                     TALL CRIP
                         Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, 
                         fool!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         I agree. I mean, it's like  "come on"! 
                         Why do these people who become crippled 
                         later in life think they're such great 
                         pot-potatuhs?
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     JIMMY
                         Well, we're glad you see it our way, 
                         fellas. So can we join your g... group?
 
                         
                                     BUFF CRIP
                         All right, you wanna thug with the Five 
                         Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta 
                         do is pop some punk-ass Bloods.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well, sure. Tim and I would love to 
                         pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific 
                         at it.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih?

                                     JIMMY
                          I don't know, Timmy, just play along.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Uh-tu-Timmih!

                                     BUFF CRIP
                         So you sayin' yuh down?

                                     JIMMY
                         Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down 
                         like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww... 
                         Down like a clown, Charlie Browh... 
                         Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie 
                         Br-Brown. 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Say Timmy, did you notice that all the 
                         crippled people in that club are negros?
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I 
                         mean, there's not one crippled colored 
                         person in South Park. 
 
                                     OFFICER
                         Hey you kids.

                                     JIMMY
                          Well hello, officers.

                                     OFFICER
                         What the hell do you think you're doin'?
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     JIMMY
                          Look, Timmy. There's a convenience 
                         store.  That must be what the fellas 
                         meant by "pop some punk-ass Bloods." 
                         They want us to get them some soda pop 
                         and treats.  Let's buy them ginger ale 
                         and marshmallows. Then they'll let us 
                         in the club for sure.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Oh, Timmih. 

                                     DRIVER
                          Oh shit! 

                                     JIMMY
                         Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver!
 
                         
               [back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back 
               at the warehouse]
 
                                     BUFF CRIP
                         Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell 
                         you about my little Gs, Roller and 4 
                         Legs here. They just smoked thirteen 
                         Bloods in one night!
 
                                     CRIP 1
                         One night?

                                     CRIP 2
                         You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One 
                         night?
 
                                     BUFF CRIP
                         That ain't never been done before!
 
                         
                                     58 CRIP
                         And they got us marshmallows and ginger 
                         ale.
 
                                     CRIPS
                          Uh huh. Cool. He's right.

                                     JIMMY
                         So does that mean we can join the c-c...club?
 
                         
                                     BUFF CRIP
                         You're not just in, you're the baddest 
                         mofo Crips in town! Cipac!  Turn up 
                         the beat so we can celebrate our new 
                         Gs Five-Points style!
 
                                     CIPAC
                         All right. 

                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, these guys really are crippled. 
                          Timmy, I have a feeling that this is 
                         the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

               [Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy. 
               The occupants are Crips]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We 
                         sure had a ...terrific time.
 
                                     CIPAC
                         Alrighty. Keep it real though, dawg.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         You dawgs keep it real, too. 

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     JIMMY
                         Well, that sure was a terrific time. 
                         Let's go all around tomorrow and show 
                         everyone our new outfits, Timmy.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

               [Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom 
               worried]
 
                                     MOM
                          There you are, Jimmy!

                                     JIMMY
                         Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops?

                                     POPS
                         Jimmy, you rmother was gettin' worried 
                         about you.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         No need to worry about me. I'm cool 
                         like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool. 
                         
 
               [Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begings speaking to the 
               camera]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem 
                         Cell Research Facility with terrific 
                         news. Christopher Reeve, who was once 
                         paralyzed, claims that he can now stand.
 
                         
                                     REEVE
                          Thank you everyone.  To most people, 
                         this is just an ordinary fetus. But 
                         to people like me,  it's hope. 
 
                                     CROWD
                         Uugh.

               [Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the 
               floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his 
               arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          What an inspiration.

                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, many celebrities have spoken out 
                         in protest of stem-cell research, but, 
                         after seeing this, how can they protest 
                         now? 
 
                                     STAN
                          Stay clear, guys, stay clear.

                                     KYLE
                         Yup. I'm not seeing anything.

               [City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and 
               Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits.]
 
                                     MR. KIM
                         Hey  Hey, I don't want no trouber!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung 
                         ...Pao Chicken, please.
 
                                     MR. KIM
                         I don't want no trouble! You jus... 
                         take what you want and reave!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     MR. KIM
                          OH! Okay, okay!  I opening register
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmh.

                                     JIMMY
                         What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade, 
                         please.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih.

                                     MR. KIM
                          Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar! 
                         It's all I have. Yeh take!
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Hunh?

                                     MR. KIM
                         You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Ah- are you sure?

                                     MR. KIM
                         I no want no trouble. Just take it and 
                         reave!
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Well gee, that's really nice of you, 
                         Mr. ...Chinese person.  Look Tim-Tim, 
                         we got a cash prize. We must be the 
                         ...one hundredth customer or something.
 
                         
                                     MR. KIM
                         Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken, 
                         and small ice tea!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Actually, it was a regular lemonade.
 
                         
                                     MR. KIM
                          AAAAAGH-agh!!  I sorry! I sorry! I 
                         no want no trouble.  Here. Remonade. 
                          Now go, just go!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih!

                                     MR. KIM
                          Hello! Police? I've just been robbed 
                         by two gang members!
 
               [Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's 
               breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room, 
               then closes]
 
                                     POPS
                         Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the 
                         kitchen please?
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops?

                                     POPS
                         Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and 
                         I need to talk to you.  Son, your mother 
                         and I have noticed a change in your 
                         behavior. And... we're worried that 
                         you might be involved in a gang.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well 
                         sure. But I can't talk about the club 
                         on account of it's sssuper secret, dawg.
 
                         
                                     MAMSIE
                         Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true! 
                         
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean  come 
                         on. I'm finally a part of something, 
                         very much.
 
                                     RYAN
                         Jimmy, those people you're hanging out 
                         with are no good.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Yo, don't be dissing my niggaz, dawg. 
                         They're my f... friends.
 
                                     MAMSIE
                         And what about your standup comedy, 
                         Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on 
                         that, too?
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Nobody cared about my standup comedy! 
                         All that hard work just to be outshined 
                         by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole!
 
                         
                                     RYAN
                         Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God 
                         made you the way he did for a reason!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Right. Because you and Mom used to make 
                         fun of crippled kids in high school.
 
                         
                                     RYAN
                         That's right. You were sent here through 
                         the vengeful and angry hand of God to 
                         teach your mother and I a lesson. And 
                         that's a big responsibility, son.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Look! My gang, which I can't talk about 
                         because it's super secret, is the most 
                         important thing to me now! And if you 
                         two don't like it, you can just pass 
                         the blunt to the nigga on your left. 
                         
 
               [A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth, 
               having a headache.]
 
                                     REEVE
                         Where's that delivery of new fetuses?! 
                         Feeling weak again.
 
                                     AIDE
                          Here's the new shipment, sir.  Hey! 
                         
 
                                     MAN
                         Hello there, Christopher. 

                                     REEVE
                         Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis 
                         from the movies. How are you?
 
                                     HACKMAN
                         I'm good. You?

                                     REEVE
                         I am better with each passing day.  
                         Stronger and more agile. 
 
                                     HACKMAN
                         Christopher, I've come to ask you to 
                         stop what you're doing?
 
                                     REEVE
                          What?

                                     HACKMAN
                         Using stem cells is like playing God. 
                         You should leave nature alone.
 
                                     REEVE
                         And go back to the way I was? Is that 
                         what you're saying, Hackman?
 
                                     HACKMAN
                         I'm saying that sometimes you need to 
                         just live with the cards you're dealt, 
                         Christopher.
 
                                     REEVE
                          Stop calling me Christopher! That name 
                         no longer has meaning to me! Christopher 
                         was someone who lived in a wheelchair! 
                         Always being pushed around by others! 
                         The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From 
                         now on, I am...  Chris!
 
               [Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between 
               the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle]
 
               
                                     JIMMY
                         Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on 
                         the wall. Six- 
 
                                     BLOOD
                          Payback time, mothafucka! 

                                     JIMMY
                          Jesus Christ!  Holy G...guacamole! 
                          Freakin' Frijoles!  Leapin' L-langosta. 
                         
 
                                     BLOOD
                         East Side Bloods! 

                                     HYDE
                         We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson 
                         from the Special Gang unit in Denver.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's 
                         houses, officer?
 
                                     RICHARDSON
                         Word on the street is it was a retaliation 
                         hit by the Bloods.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         The... B-Bloods?

                                     HYDE
                         You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang! 
                         The Bloods are at war with the Crips, 
                         they kill each other all the time!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         The-they do??

                                     RICHARDSON
                         Don't act like you don't know, you lil 
                         punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each 
                         other, and if you stay in that gang, 
                         you're gonna end up dead too.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         But... but why do they hate each other?
 
                         
                                     HYDE
                         Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself, 
                         but I'm not anymore!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher 
                         Reeve?
 
                                     HYDE
                          Come on. The only way these kids are 
                         gonna get out of their gang is get killed. 
                         
 
                                     RYAN
                          Sarah!

                                     JIMMY
                          Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never 
                         started a gang for people crippled from 
                         birth. Now they're at war with the people 
                         who are crippled from an accident. Boy 
                         were we wrong.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Tim-mih.

                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy. 
                         We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods 
                         to sstop fighting. I bet if we could 
                         just get them together... but how? Wu-wait 
                         a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at 
                         the rec center! We did it for our church 
                         once. All we do is rent out the rec 
                         center overnight. They lock the doors 
                         so nobody can leave, and then everyone 
                         has the whole night to play in the swimming 
                         pool and laugh and talk.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!!

                                     JIMMY
                         You get all the Crips you can to the 
                         rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And 
                         I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!!

                                     JIMMY
                         This is gonna be t-terrific!

               [South Park, next day, in from ot Tom's Rhinoplasty]

                                     REPORTER
                          Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher 
                         Reeve had a horrible accident and was 
                         paralyzed. The irony, of course, is 
                         that the man who played Superman could 
                         no longer walk. America watched in wonder 
                         as he managed to move one of his fingers, 
                         then his arms. And now, seen for the 
                         first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve 
                         is going to lift a truck up over his 
                         head. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, what a fighter.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         That brave, brave man.

                                     LIANE
                         He's an imspration to us all.

                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, the irony is even more irony-y 
                         as it appears that the stem cells have 
                         given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman 
                         strength.
 
                                     HACKMAN
                          Chris, that's enough!

                                     REEVE
                          Hello, Gene! So good to see you!

                                     HACKMAN
                         You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop 
                         using stem cells.
 
                                     REEVE
                         Stem-cell research has made me stronger 
                         than I ever thought possible! Why stop 
                         now?!
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the 
                         man who played Superman's enemy Lex 
                         Luthor in the movies, has now shown 
                         up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell 
                         research. If that isn't ironic, Tom, 
                         I don't knw what is.
 
                                     HACKMAN
                         They're affecting your mind, Chris. 
                         If you won't stop using stem cells, 
                         then we'll stop you!
 
                                     REEVE
                         Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!!  You won't 
                         stop me, Hack Man!  Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha 
                         haa haa!  Ya ha ha! Yaa haha!
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, 
                         we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies 
                         right now.
 
               [Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the 
               doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disgusied 
               as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat.]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises 
                         and t-treats inside.  Great to see you 
                         all. What a terrific audience.
 
                                     JANITOR
                          Are you sure you got everything you 
                         need, young man?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by.
 
                         
                                     MR. APPLEBY
                         Just remember to make sure the kids 
                         play safe in the pool area.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         You bet. 

                                     MR. APPLEBY
                         I'll be back at seven to let you out. 
                         You kids have a good time.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh, we will. 

               [Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the 
               gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is 
               a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball 
               hoop. The Crips stand in reply]
 
                                     BUFF CRIP
                         The Bloods!

                                     BLOOD 1
                         Oh shit! It's a trap!

                                     BLOOD 2
                         Muthafucka Crips tryin' to smoke us 
                         all out!
 
                                     CRIP
                         What the hell is goin' on here? 

                                     JIMMY
                         It's called a lock-in at the rec center. 
                         We can use all the rec center facilities. 
                         We can play basketball, go swimming, 
                         or even just kick it in the lounge area 
                         with some games and ...p-puzzles.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         But nobody can leave until it's seven 
                         a.m., so if you wanna have a good time, 
                         you're all just gonna have to learn 
                         to get along.  Theeerrre's pizzaaa.
 
                         
               [Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made 
               lake]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, over five years ago, doctors told 
                         Christopher Reeve that he would never 
                         walk again, but the resilient actor 
                         fought back, struggled against all odds, 
                         and has now built his very own Legion 
                         of Doom!  The once immobile Mr. Reeve's 
                         new organization will be commited to 
                         world domination and evil. What an inspirational 
                         story, Tom.
 
               [Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing 
               before a group of villains, both real and imagined.]
 
                                     REEVE
                         I have chosen each member of this elite 
                         group of supervillains for their outstanding 
                         treachery,  Their desire for world conquest, 
                          and their hatred of all things good! 
                          And I've assembled this group for one 
                         purpose! To once and for all find a 
                         way to...  get rid of Hack Man!! 
 
                         
                                     DR. DOOM
                         Uhhh, how about domination of the world?
 
                         
                                     SADDAM HUSSEIN
                         Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels?
 
                         
                                     REEVE
                         Silence! OUR job is to see to it that 
                         Hack Man is put out of commission.
 
                         
                                     PROFESSOR CHAOS
                         Oh boy, General Disarray, muh maybe 
                         we just oughtta stay outta this one.
 
                         
                                     HACKMAN
                          Not so fast, Chris!

                                     REEVE
                          Hack Man!

                                     HACKMAN
                         We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell 
                         research. Your fetus-sucking days are 
                         over!
 
                                     REEVE
                         No...  NOOOO!

                                     HACKMAN
                         And now we're goingn to put you somewhere 
                         where you can never touch another fetus 
                         again!
 
               [Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge 
               each other.]
 
                                     BUFF CRIP
                         You stupid mofos are dead!

                                     BLOOD 3
                         Make the first shot, punk!

                                     JIMMY
                         Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter 
                         if we were crippled from birth, or crippled 
                         in an accident. We're all brothers.
 
                         
                                     BLOOD 4
                         Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers! 
                         
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Look: we hve the whole rec room to ourselves. 
                         Can't we all just try having some fun 
                         together?
 
                                     58 CRIP
                         You talkin' crazy, dawg.

                                     BLOOD 5
                         Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka!

                                     JIMMY
                         Why don't we at least give it a chance? 
                         I mean,  Come on! 
 
                                     BUFF CRIP
                         Wait a minute. What did you say?

                                     JIMMY
                         I said, "I mean,  Come on!"

                                     BLOOD 4
                         You know, maybe he's right. I mean, 
                          Come on!
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Come on.

                                     BUFF CRIP
                         I guess we could at least give havin' 
                         fun together a try. It's like  Come 
                         on.
 
                                     BLOOD 6
                         Yeah. Come on.

                                     CRIP 2
                         Yeah, that's right. Come on.

                                     JIMMY
                         Come on.

                                     SOMEONE
                         Come on.

                                     ALL
                          Yeah, that's right. Come on. 

                                     BUFF CRIP
                         I've gotta give you two dawgs props 
                         for puttin' an end to all this hate.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         I told you, lock-ins at the rec center 
                         always work. And you know, I've learned 
                         something, too. I was player-hatin' 
                         Christopher Butthole Reeve because he 
                         got more attention than me. But just 
                         like... y-you guys, I need to learn 
                         to control my a... anger.
 
                                     BLOOD
                         Right on!

                                     CRIP
                          Hey little Roller, try some of this 
                         chronic shit.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     JIMMY
                         I guess we all learned that trying to 
                         get along is way better than p... player 
                         hatin'.  The gang wrote a song about 
                         it. Why don't we listen in?
 
                                     GANG MEMBERS
                         It used to be that Crips and Bloods 
                         didn't get along,
 
               But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song.

               Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love.
 
               
               Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs.

               [Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane 
               of glass.]
 
                                     REEVE
                         You haven't seen the last of me, Hack 
                         Man! I will be back!!
 
               [The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the 
               celestial spectacle]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of 
                         that one.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mee tooo.

               THE END

Krazy Kripples



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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