The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 706


                                "LIL' CRIME STOPPERS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park neighborhood, day. The boys walk up to Butters' house. 
               Stan knocks on the door. The door opens and Butters' father looks 
               out]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Yes?  Oh, hello, boys.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives. 
                         We're wondering if you have any crimes 
                         to be solved, for a dollar.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Oooo, little crime stoppers, huh? Well, 
                         I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I 
                         need solved right now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Awww, shit!

                                     STAN
                         All right, sir, well, please call us 
                         if you need anything. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         I'll do that. Have fun, boys. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stupid assholes!  How come nobody has 
                         a crime to solve?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, maybe starting a detective club 
                         isn't such a bright idea.
 
                                     STAN
                         It's a great idea, we just have to keep 
                         working at it. 
 
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, hello there boys.

                                     STAN
                         Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with 
                         the South Park Crime Unit. Do you have 
                         any crimes you need to be solved, for 
                         a dollar?
 
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Ohh, neighborhood detectives, huh? Well 
                         let me thi-oh yes! There is something!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Really?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Yes. Two days ago I put a fresh baked 
                         cherry pie out on my window sill to 
                         cool.  And later, when I went to get 
                         it, it was gone.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         My God...

                                     STAN
                         Have you reported this to any other 
                         authorities?
 
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Noo, but I think it's a perfect case 
                         for you kids.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We're on the case.

               [The old woman's house, backyard.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         What have you got, Marsh?

                                     STAN
                         Detective McCormick found something 
                         interesting. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Jesus, we're too late.

                                     KYLE
                         I think we can piece this case together 
                         now.
 
               [The old woman's house, living room. She and her husband sit 
               back in arm chairs looking at news. The door opens and the boys 
               rush in with the pie tin]
 
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         My pie tin! Oooh, but what happened 
                         to the pie?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, we've all talked it through and 
                         we've come up with a theory.
 
                                     OLD MAN
                         Well, what do you thnk happened, little 
                         detectives?
 
                                     STAN
                         You said you set the pie in the window 
                         sill, where it must have sat for some 
                         time.  But its sweet smell attracted 
                         the attention of somebody. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Your husband.  He wanted that pie badly, 
                         but he knew that he was not allowed 
                         to eat it yet.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Slowly the rage built inside his mind. 
                          "Why won't she let me eat that pie? 
                         Why does she always stop me from doing 
                         what I wanna do?!" His only solution 
                         became obvious: Kill her!
 
                                     STAN
                         His plan was to use a hammer.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Bash, bash, BASH your skull in, causing 
                         instant death. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Then to make it impossible for police 
                         to identify the body, he'd use a shovel 
                         to remove your head. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Then saw off the arms and legs. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         The torso he would dump into the lake. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         The arms and legs he would dissolve 
                         with acid and lye in the bathtub. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         And then, finally, he'd be able to eat 
                         that pie.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But before he could go through with 
                         this entire plan, he discovered that 
                         the pie had already been eaten...  ...by 
                         your dog. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Looks like the game is over, old man! 
                         
 
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh my God, what kind of television have 
                         you kids been watching??
 
                                     STAN
                         Just the news.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         All right, all right, you you boys run 
                         along now.
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Fine, here, just go! 

                                     STAN
                         Wow, look, you guys! Our first dollar! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're in business!

               [A basement, some time later. The dollar bill is newly framed 
               and hung on a wall in ... Cartman's basement, which is now the 
               South Park Detectives headquarters. Pictures of suspects are 
               on the wall below the framed dollar, a chalkboard has some instructions 
               listed, and some suspects already interviewed are listed on the 
               wall beneath the stairs. Kyle puts a file away in a filing cabinet 
               as the other boys do other tasks.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny, you got the f-a-g on that perp 
                         in Washington
 
                                     LIANE
                         Boys, you have a little visitor. 

                                     GIRL
                         Is this the South Park Crime Unit?
 
                         
                                     THE BOYS
                         Ah! Oh. 

                                     STAN
                         Yes it is!

                                     GIRL
                         I lost my dollie.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Thank you, Ms. Secretary, that will 
                         be all.  And get some more cookies and 
                         coffee! We're not paying you to sit 
                         on your ass!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you kow where your doll is?

                                     GIRL
                         If I knew where it was, it wouldn't 
                         be lost.
 
                                     STAN
                         All right, Sarah, come over here.  Now, 
                         I want you to describe what the doll 
                         looks like to our sketch artist, Kenny.
 
                         
                                     SARAH
                          She has curly blonde hair. And a red 
                         dress. And a turned-up nose. And a blue 
                         bow in her hair.
 
                                     STAN
                         You got it, Ken? 

                                     KYLE
                         All right, let's see.  Damnit Kenny, 
                         that's not what she said!
 
                                     STAN
                         Put that away, dude! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your 
                         doll.
 
               [Sarah's house, day. The boys swarm into the girl's bedroom and 
               check out all the possibilities.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No sign of forced entry.

                                     KYLE
                          But the window isn't locked.

                                     STAN
                          Right, so it's possible that the theif 
                         sat out in that tree.  He would have 
                         watched Sarah with the doll, possibly 
                         while cutting the palms of his hands 
                         with a large knife.  The pain gave him 
                         sick pleasure.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy. 
                         He would have had to have brough a shovel 
                         to decapitate it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're going to need semen samples from 
                         everything in this room. 
 
                                     A BOY
                         All right, let's do this by the books! 
                         McDonnell,  give me smears of all the 
                         places the doll used to be!  Mitchell, 
                          run a tap on the phone! 
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey, kid, what are you doing?

                                     THE BOY
                         Agent Tucker, FBI! And you?

                                     STAN
                         Detective Marsh. I'm in charge of this 
                         investigation!
 
                                     TUCKER
                         ...Not anymore, you're not!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, this is our case! You can't come 
                         in and take over!
 
                                     TUCKER
                         Can't we? You guys are playing Detective. 
                         We're playing FBI. That gives us jurisdiction 
                         over you!
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw crap!

                                     TUCKER
                         I want choppers on the roof ready to 
                         go! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, we've been working this case since 
                         two-thirty!
 
                                     TUCKER
                         Good. Then you can help us by telling 
                         me everything you know.
 
               [Sarah's house, afternoon, outside. The boys have been kicked 
               out by the FBI boys and head for the sidewalk]
 
                                     STAN
                         Son of a bitch stupid FBI!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I guess we can go back to playing 
                         laundromat.
 
                                     STAN
                         No! We're not gonna stop playing detectives! 
                         We've just gotta find that doll before 
                         thos FBI guys do.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but how?

                                     STAN
                         We're gonna have to just start bringing 
                         in people for questioning.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right. I think I know exactly where 
                         to start.
 
               [Cartman's basement, later. The boys have called Butters in and 
               he's confused, being under the spotlight]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Where were you this morning at nine 
                         o'clock, Butters?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah, I was at home.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Your story is full of holes and I'm 
                         gonna beat your ass if you don't start 
                         tellin' the truth! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Awww, don't be so hard. Maybe he's 
                         tellin' the truth, huh?) 
 
                                     STAN
                          They've gotten really good at this 
                         good cop-bad cop thing.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're going down, Butters! You hear 
                         me?!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Aw. Now just be nice. Poor lil thing.)
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're worth a two-dollar criminal and 
                         you're lying!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Aw, please don't make him confess.)
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well I don't have nothin' to confess. 
                         Honestly.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine! Then you won't mind giving us 
                         a semen sample. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         How do I do that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You just make the semen come out of 
                         your body and fill it in this cup!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well how do I make semen... come out 
                         of my body?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stop playing games!

                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm not playing. I really don't know!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That does it! Wait right here!  Guys, 
                         did you hear that? Butters doesn't know 
                         how you make seme come out of your body.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         How... do you make semen come out?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know. I was hoping you guys 
                         did.
 
                                     STAN
                         It's that thing we learned about in 
                         school where you pull on your weiner 
                         until white stuff comes out.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Really?

                                     KYLE
                         Ohh, right, you're supposed to pull 
                         and mager...venate your weiner really 
                         fast.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh okay.  Okay, retard, you really don't 
                         know how to make semen come out?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No-o!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Follow me to the bathroom. 

                                     KENNY
                          (Aw, it's okay kid. It's just done 
                         in a jiffy) 
 
               [The Cartman hallway. Cartman takes Butters to the restroom]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and 
                         tug on your weiner until white stuff 
                         comes out, and then put it in this cup.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         My weiner??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, retard. Semen comes from your weiner. 
                         Now do it!  Well Butters?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah I'm pullin' on my weiner, but nothin's 
                         happening.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well pull harder!

                                     BUTTERS
                         ...ow... Ow... It's not workin'

                                     CARTMAN
                         Try doin' it faster

                                     BUTTERS
                          Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. 
                         Naw, nothin'
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, do you wanna go to jail for 
                         the rest of your life?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         NOOooo!

                                     CARTMAN
                         The you'd better get that semen sample 
                         no matter how long it takes!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Okay!!

                                     STAN
                          Cartman! Cartman! We just got a tip 
                         that a doll was found near Fosse's house!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Let's go! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         ...ow... Ow!

               [Fosse's house, a nice rambling house. Cartman approaches the 
               front door as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand off to one side. He 
               turns and places his back against the wall, then sneaks up to 
               a window. He looks in just a bit. Inside, a boy plays with a 
               doll... red dress, turned-up nose, blonde curly hair with two 
               blue bows attached... just as Sarah had described. Two boys giggle 
               as they play]
 
                                     FOSSE
                         Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh, me 
                         and Doctor... Flick here just need to... 
                         check your vagina. 
 
                                     BILL
                         That's gay. 

                                     FOSSE
                         Yeah, that's gay. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Kyle! 

                                     KYLE
                         What?  What??

                                     CARTMAN
                          I see two guys inside. They have Sarah 
                         Peterson's doll, you stupid Jew!
 
                                     KYLE
                          They've got the doll! 

                                     STAN
                          Okay, okay. Ready? Break the door down! 
                         
 
                                     FOSSE
                         Huh huh who is it?!

                                     STAN
                         South Park Junior Detectives! We know 
                         you have Sarah Peterson's doll!
 
                                     FOSSE
                          They're playing Detective. 

                                     BILL
                         That's gay. 

                                     FOSSE
                          You're gay! 

                                     KYLE
                         What do we do now?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well if they're not gonna give us back 
                         the doll, then we have no choice. Let's 
                         go tell on them. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we just can't tell on them.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why not?

                                     KYLE
                         Because, dude, we're playing detectives! 
                         Detectives don't just go tell on people.
 
                         
                                     FOSSE
                          Detectives!  If you don't get out of 
                         here, we're gonna rip the doll's head 
                         off!
 
                                     BILL
                         Yeah.

                                     FOSSE
                         We were playing gynecologists and now 
                         we're playing criminals
 
                                     BILL
                         That's gay.

                                     FOSSE
                         We're gay.

                                     STAN
                         Jesus! They're gonna kill her!

                                     KYLE
                         We've got to do something.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Time! Time is what we need, but time 
                         is something we ain't got!
 
                                     TUCKER
                          Attention! You in the house!  This 
                         is Agent Tucker with the FBI! We have 
                         you surrounded. Sort of.
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey, you buttholes can't play FBI here!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! This was our hot lead!

                                     TUCKER
                         And you did a great job leading us here. 
                         Now you just stay out of our way!  The 
                         gig is up, Fosse! Bring out the doll! 
                         Or we'll tell on you!
 
                                     STAN
                         We're gonna charge the front door and 
                         go get it.
 
                                     TUCKER
                         No you're not.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Damnit man, this is not the time for 
                         negotiations! There's a little doll 
                         in there about to have her head twisted 
                         off!
 
                                     TUCKER
                         Time out, kid! We say you can't charge 
                         the front door, and you have to obey 
                         what the FBI says! That's the rules!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Just because your parents can afford 
                         better toys than ours doesn't make you 
                         better than us!
 
                                     TUCKER
                         Yes it does so! 

                                     KYLE
                         ...Grrrr!!! 

                                     KENNY
                         (What do we do now?)

                                     STAN
                         We go get the doll ourselves.

                                     KYLE
                         But they said we can't charge the front 
                         door.
 
                                     STAN
                         That's right.  But they didn't say anything 
                         about going in the back.
 
                                     TUCKER
                         Come on guys. You don't wanna hurt that 
                         doll.
 
                                     BILL
                         Huhuh.  Oh crap, they're coming in the 
                         back!  That's gay. 
 
                                     STAN
                          Bang bang bang! I got you, Fosse!
 
                         
                                     FOSSE
                         No you didn't!

                                     STAN
                         Did so!

                                     FOSSE
                         No, 'cause I got... special wizard armor 
                         on.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons, 
                         assface!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, that does it! Cover me! I'm 
                         going slo-mo!  Wwwaaahhh!
 
                                     FOSSE
                          Oooh, they got me!  Whooaaa, whooaaa, 
                         whooaaa. 
 
                                     BILL
                          rr uh rr uh, uhhhh. 

                                     FOSSE
                          We're dead.

                                     BILL
                          That's gay.

                                     STAN
                          We got it.

               [Sarah's house, later. Stan and the boys walk up to the house 
               again. Stan knocks on the door, and Sarah's mother answers]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Ms. Peterson, is your daughter home?
 
                         
                                     SARAH
                          My dollie! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         We got her back safe. We lost a lot 
                         of good men in the process.
 
                                     SARAH'S MOM
                         Well you boys are little heroes. I'm 
                         going to call the police department 
                         and let them know what brave little 
                         detectives you are! 
 
               [Park County Police Station, day. This building is much bigger 
               than the building Barbrady upholds the law from in South Park.]
 
               
                                     DAWSON
                         Hello there little crime stoppers, I'm 
                         Lieutenant Dawson with the Park County 
                         Police. I heard you did a great job 
                         finding Sarah Peterson's doll.
 
                                     STAN
                         We do what we can, sir.

                                     DAWSON
                         W-hell, that's fantastic, kids. And 
                         for all your terrific sleuth-solving, 
                         I'm hereby making you all Jenior Detectives. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Wow! 

                                     DAWSON
                         That means you boys are now an official 
                         part of the department.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kewl!

                                     DAWSON
                         All right, so ready for your first assignment?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Sure.

                                     DAWSON
                         Okay. There's a meth lab down at 567 
                         Mala Vista. The operators are probably 
                         armed to the hilt with illegal weapons. 
                         I want you to get down there and see 
                         what you can find!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ah... a a a meth lab?

                                     DAWSON
                          I don't want any problems. Just take 
                         them down by the books. Now get over 
                         there; the mayor's all over my ass on 
                         this one!  On, and deputies: you screw 
                         this up and I'll have you working graveyard 
                         shift behind a desk! Move it! 
 
               [Nighttime in the boondocks. The boys walk along a barren stretch 
               of road]
 
                                     KYLE
                         What is a meth lab, anyway?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know. Let's just hurry up. I 
                         wanna get home in time to watch Crime 
                         Drama. 
 
               [The meth lab. Three men sit around a table as a forth man works 
               behind them. The juniro detectives approach the front door. Stan 
               knocks. The men inside quickly arm themselves]
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh police. Open up. ...Oh crap, did 
                         you guys do your math homework?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nah. Dude, I totally spaced it. 

                                     MAN 1
                         You die, pigs!  You want to die, huh? 
                         
 
                                     MAN 3
                         You won't take us alive! 

                                     MAN 5
                         So long, coppers! 

                                     STAN
                         Damn.

               [Park County Police Dept., Dawson's office, later that night. 
               He reads the police report and paces behind his desk]
 
                                     DAWSON
                         One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five 
                         thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle 
                         valued at sixteen thousand, the second 
                         floor of the post office AND a coffee 
                         shop valued at sixteen thousand! The 
                         mayor's gonna have my ass!
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided 
                         by the-
 
                                     DAWSON
                         You got careless! Now, I don't know 
                         how they do things down at that dog-and-pony 
                         show they call the Fourth Grade, but 
                         here we have rules! Jesus, we don't 
                         have guys to question now, because you 
                         killed them all!
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're sorry.

                                     DAWSON
                         One more slip-up like that and I'll 
                         have your badges! You hear me?! Now 
                         hit the showers!
 
               [Park County Police Dept., locker room. Three men are changing 
               clothes, so they're all in their briefs. The boys enter.]
 
                                     OFFICER 1
                         Well well well, if it isn't the supercops. 
                         
 
                                     OFFICER 2
                         Hey Murphy, think they'll let me borrow 
                         their G.I. Joes?
 
                                     OFFICER 4
                         Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                          Relax, Hopkins!  All fun and games, 
                         right?  Soho, tell us, rookies, you 
                         ah... find yourself a little bonus in 
                         that house??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh bonus?

                                     MURPHY
                         Come on! We all skim a little off the 
                         top. Oh. Or are you too good for that? 
                          So you think you're gonna waltz in 
                         here and clean up the system. Is that 
                         it?
 
                                     STAN
                          We just wanna be junior detectives.
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         LOOK, we all work hard! And we deserve 
                         more than the thirty-thousand a year 
                         we get paid! So what if we take in a 
                         little on the side?
 
                                     OFFICER 2
                         Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
 
                         
                                     HOPKINS
                         I said, back off Murphy!

                                     MURPHY
                         Why don't you and your rookie friends 
                         make us
 
                                     OFFICER 2
                         That's right. Come on, bring it!

                                     OFFICER 3
                         Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
 
                         
                                     DAWSON
                         What the hell is the problem here??
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         No problem, sir. No problem at all.
 
                         
                                     DAWSON
                         Then hit the showers, all of ya!

               [The shower room, moments later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are 
               taking their showers. Kyle drops his soap to fart, then picks 
               it up again. Cartman works on his hair]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I don't wanna play Detective anymore.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Me neither.

                                     STAN
                         It'll get better, guys.

                                     KYLE
                         Better how, dude?

                                     STAN
                          Look, we said we wanted to form a club 
                         to protect and serve South Park. We 
                         put all this time to it, I mean... What 
                         do you guys wanna do, huh? Go back to 
                         playing Car Mechanics? Or Laundromat 
                         Owners?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We were happy playing Laundromat Owners.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I wasn't. We started playing Detective 
                         because we wanted our play time to mean 
                         something. Or have you forgotten why 
                         you joined the force, Kyle?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey! Broflovski's a good cop!

                                     STAN
                         You guys can go back to playing Laundromat 
                         Owners if you want, but... I'm not gonna 
                         give those kids playing the FBI a chance 
                         to laugh at us. See you guys at school 
                         tomorrow.
 
               [Cartman's house, night. His door opens, and a tired Cartman 
               walks in]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Awwwwrrr-auugh. 

                                     LIANE
                         Eric, where have you been? It's ten 
                         thirty.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We had to take down a meth lab on Mala 
                         Vista.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Well you should've called Mommy.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Will you get off my back?! It's hard 
                         enough I gotta work the beat, and now 
                         I gotta come home to your nagging?! 
                          Look look, I'm I'm sorry. It's just 
                         this case, and... the guys down at the 
                         station, I... I'm tired, alright? I'm 
                         I'm tired.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Well, why don't you get ready for snoogums' 
                         night-night, and I'll bring you some 
                         toasty chocolate nummers?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Who-o-o-o-a. Oowwww!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Butters?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yes?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Are you still trying to give a semen 
                         sample?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well I'm tryin', but nothin's comin' 
                         out.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, keep tryin', Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Okay.  Ow. Ooww!

               [South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in class, sleeping. 
               As Butters was at home at 9 am the previous day, this day is 
               Monday]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And so you can see, children, that the 
                         women's movement of the late fifties 
                         and the early sixties had a profound 
                         effect on feminism in America.  Uh, 
                         boys!  Would it trouble you terribly 
                         not to sleep in my class?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh wu we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh well, then maybe you can tell me 
                         who was in charge of the feminist movement 
                         of the early sixties!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          A bunch of fat old skanks on their 
                         periods?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Right, but who was the fattest oldest 
                         skank on her period?!  That's what I 
                         thought! Now pay attention!  Okay, children, 
                         now, the biggest fatass was an old skank 
                         by the name of-
 
                                     DAWSON
                          Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman! 
                         In my office! 
 
                                     THE BOYS
                          Eeagh!

               [Park County Police Department, later. The boys walk in sleepily. 
               Dawson holds a file in his right hand]
 
                                     DAWSON
                         Looks like that meth lab you took down 
                         was the tip of the iceberg. They found 
                         a paper trail leading all the way to 
                         the biggest crime syndicate in Colorado.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Un oh...

                                     DAWSON
                         The operators apparently run their business 
                         out of a sleazy strip joint down in 
                         Inglewood. They're all cop killers, 
                         so I'm sending you in undercover. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Uh, sir, d'I have a lot of homework 
                         to do tonight and I was-
 
                                     DAWSON
                         What?! Now you listen to me! I'm givin' 
                         you one last chance! You're good cops, 
                         but you let your emotions get in the 
                         way! And your little "shoot first ask 
                         questions later" technique has no place 
                         in this century! Now you get down to 
                         that strip joint and you do it by the 
                         books, you got it?! The mayor is on 
                         my ass and blablablah! 
 
                                     MURPHY
                         So, what did you boys have to say to 
                         the lieutenant?
 
                                     STAN
                         Nothing, he just told us a bunch of 
                         stuff.
 
                                     MURPHY
                         Maybe you decided you needed to tell 
                         him about our... bonus money.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No. 

                                     OFFICER 2
                         They're lying.

                                     MURPHY
                         They're dead!

               [Inglewood, Colorado, night. A big city. The strip club shown 
               is The Peppermint Hippo. Inside there are several dancers undulating 
               for their patrons on individual stages. Other dancers dance on 
               the club floor for individual patrons. The boys enter the club]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, if my mom knew I was in here, 
                         I would be in super big trouble.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Woohoo!!) 

                                     STRIPPER
                          Would you like a dance?

                                     STAN
                         No thanks.

                                     STRIPPER
                          Dance?  Anyone like a dance?

                                     DJ
                         Well all right, guests, put your hands 
                         together. Be sure to tip the dancers. 
                         And now, come on, let's here it for 
                         Candy!
 
                                     BOUNCER
                          Whoa whoa, what the hell are you kids 
                         doin' in here? This isn't an appropriate 
                         place for children
 
                                     STRIPPER
                          Dance? Anyone like a dance?

                                     KYLE
                         Uh, it's okay. We know the owner.

                                     STRIPPER
                          Oh, really? Let's go see.

               [The Peppermint Hippo back room. Nice opulent place.]

                                     OWNER
                         All right, so we'll have to start havin' 
                         the McCormicks make our meth again and-
 
                         
                                     BOUNCER
                         Hey Gino, these kids say they know you.
 
                         
                                     GINO
                         What? Ha-I don't know no kids.

                                     BOUNCER
                         I didn't think so. All right, you kids-
 
                         
                                     GINO
                         Hey wait a minute. These kids might 
                         be just what we need to get our drugs 
                         past the security at DIA. How would 
                         you like to join our family?
 
                                     TALL GOON
                         Yo Gino, I know I've seen these kids 
                         before, man. These kids are 5-0!
 
                                     GINO
                         What?

                                     TALL GOON
                         These kids are cops, man! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Bang bang bang... 

                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Bang bang bang... 

                                     KENNY
                         (Pakew! Pakew!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Kenny, it doesn't go "Pakew! Pakew!", 
                         it goes "BANG BANG BANG!!" 
 
                                     DAWSON
                         God damnit! Those junior detectives 
                         and their heroicly reckless ways! Murphy! 
                         Jenkins! Hopkins! Get in there! 
 
                                     STRIPPER
                         Dance??? Anybody like a dance??? 

                                     HOPKINS
                          Freeze! South Park detectives!  Great 
                         job, boys. You found the meth boss!
 
                         
                                     GINO
                         Detective Murphy! Jenkins! Uh what the 
                         hell are you doing? We had a deal.
 
                         
                                     HOPKINS
                          A deal?

                                     MURPHY
                         That's right. We're partners in the 
                         drug business. Everything was fine until 
                         these "supercops" joined the force. 
                         
 
                                     JENKINS
                         Now we've gotta kill you all.

                                     HOPKINS
                         Boys! Down! 

                                     DJ
                         Huh alright guys, put your hands together, 
                         a lot of shootin' and killin' goin' 
                         on, but be sure to tip your waitress 
                         let's hear it for Rebecca.
 
                                     DAWSON
                         Christ! Those junior detectives have 
                         no regard for the law! 
 
                                     LEAD FBI AGENT
                         Get me a hard line to the phone! And 
                         I want choppers on the roof!
 
                                     DAWSON
                          Who the hell are you??

                                     LEAD FBI AGENT
                          Agent Fields, FBI!

                                     DAWSON
                         Hey, I'm in charge of this investigation.
 
                         
                                     FIELDS
                         Not anymore, you're not.

                                     DAWSON
                         But that's not fair!

                                     FIELDS
                         Is so! Is so! 

                                     JENKINS
                         Sorry, Detective Hopkins. We can't let 
                         anybody know about our partnership.
 
                         
                                     GINO
                         That's right. We split it all, fifty-fifty!
 
                         
                                     MURPHY
                         That's right.  I think we'll take a 
                         hundred percent now.
 
                                     JENKINS
                         Huhuh yeah. Sorry, Gino, but in business 
                         like this, sometimes partnerships need 
                         to end.
 
                                     MURPHY
                         That's right.  Sometimes partnerships 
                         need to end.  Well, supercops, looks 
                         like I'll be taking in all the money 
                         now. I'm in business alone. And that 
                         means that the only person I can't trust... 
                         is myself. 
 
               [Outside the Peppermint Club. The paramedics have arrived and 
               are removing the bodies. Hopkins, up and about, reaches the boys]
 
               
                                     HOPKINS
                          It looks like Murphy and Jenkins got 
                         what they deserved. If it weren't for 
                         you boys, we would have never cleaned 
                         up the department.
 
                                     DAWSON
                          All right, detectives, let's get one 
                         thing straight! I do not agree with 
                         your methods! You're uncontrolled, and 
                         you're negligent! But by God you get 
                         the job done. Congratulations!
 
                                     STAN
                         Thanks.

                                     DAWSON
                         I'm probably going to regret this, but, 
                         well, I'm promoting you to full detectives. 
                         There'll be lots of action, and that 
                         big paycheck you've always wanted. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         ...I think I have a better idea.

               [Cartman's basement, next day. The boys are back at playing Laundromat. 
               The wall under the stairs has been removed to show the washer 
               and dryer, which are now framed by a doorway saying "Employees 
               Only." Two clothes racks are seen, and the detectives' desks 
               are refashioned as washer/dryer combos. A "Laundromat" sign on 
               the wall looks over the whole thing]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hello, sir. Welcome to the Broflovski 
                         Laundromat.
 
                                     STAN
                          Yes, I have a suit that needs to be 
                         dry-cleaned. And pressed, please.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Certainly.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Here you are, Mister McCormick. Your 
                         laundry is all done and folded. That 
                         will be nine ninety five.  On your American 
                         Express.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Fellas! Hehey fellas! I got it! Ah 
                         I got my semen sample!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You did?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. I was up there poundin' my weiner 
                         for two days straight, aaand finally, 
                         I thought about Stan's Mom's boobs, 
                         and this little timy spooge of... this 
                         white stuff came out.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's great, Butters, but we're not 
                         playing Detective anymore. We're playing 
                         laundromat owners.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Would you like those pants cleaned for 
                         four ninety five?
 
               THE END

Lil' Crime Stoppers



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy