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                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 112

                                    "Mecha Striesand"

                                        Written by

                        Trey Parker, Philip Stark, and Matt Stone

                

                                          ACT I

               EXT. ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG - DAY

               The children are all gathered around a small Archaeological 
               dig site. A plain looking Anthropologist talks to the boys 
               and girls.

                                     ANTHROPOLOGIST
                         And so, these ancient arrowheads are 
                         buried deep down in the Earth's crust! 
                         We dig 'em up, polish 'em off and 
                         find over twelve new arrowheads every 
                         month!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Booorrrring.

               The kids all laugh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, keep quiet! I'm trying to sleep!

               Garrison is lying on rock with a newspaper over his face.

                                     ANTHROPOLOGIST
                         Now, can anybody tell me WHO left 
                         these arrowheads here?

                                     STAN
                              (Hand raised)
                         Isn't that YOUR job?

                                     ANTHROPOLOGIST
                         Well, yes, but I want to see if you're 
                         learning anything.

                                     STAN
                              (This is new)
                         Oh.

                                     ANTHROPOLOGIST
                         Okay, I tell you what, why don't we 
                         all grab our little anthropology pic 
                         axes that were handed out, and we'll 
                         dig for our very own Indian 
                         Arrowheads!!

               The kids all cheer and start digging.

               As Cartman swings his pic axe, he immediately starts to sing.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Singing)
                         Day is never finished 
                         Masa got me working 
                         Some day masa set me free...

                                     STAN
                         Dude, shut up, Cartman!

                                     PIP
                         OOH! OOH! I think I found one!!

               But Cartman has hold of the other end.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, I found it!

               Cartman and Pip hold the large arrowhead by opposite ends.

                                     PIP
                         Oh, I do believe I found it first.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, I did, Pip!!

                                     PIP
                         Oh, dear...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, guess we'll have to Roshambo 
                         for it.

                                     PIP
                         What do you mean?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, first I kick you in the nuts 
                         as hard as I can. Then you kick ME 
                         in the nuts as hard as YOU can. And 
                         we keep going back and forth until 
                         somebody falls. Last one standing 
                         gets the arrowhead.

                                     PIP
                         Oh, my. Well, I suppose if I must...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, ready? I'll go first.

               Cartman takes a step and hauls off, kicking Pip square in 
               the balls. Pip immediately turns blue and falls to the ground 
               coughing.

               Cartman looks pleased.

               After Pip stops coughing, he finally manages to speak.

                                     PIP
                         Well, I guess you win.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I don't care, you can have the 
                         stupid arrowhead. I don't want it.

               Cartman tosses the arrowhead down to Pip, who is still lying 
               painfully in the dirt.

               The kids all go back to digging.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Day is never finished 
                         Masa got me working... Oh, look I 
                         found another one!

               Cartman cleans off the dirt, and sees that he is actually 
               holding a large, stone triangle with ancient symbols and 
               writing on it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, this is just a stupid triangle!

               Cartman tosses the triangle over his shoulder. It hits the 
               ground and Kyle picks it up.

                                     KYLE
                         Woa, check it out, dude. It's got 
                         little drawings on it.

               Kyle holds up the large, stone triangle revealing that it 
               does have a strange symbol on it.

                                     STAN
                         What's is it?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.

               Suddenly, the triangle lets out a small yellow glow.

                                     STAN
                         Woa!

                                     KYLE
                         That was cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, give me that back!

                                     KYLE
                         You threw it away, Cartman! It's 
                         MINE now!

                                     CARTMAN
                         We'll Roshambo for it.

                                     KYLE
                         No way, fatty! It's mine!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Anthropologist!!!!!!

               The Anthropologist walks over.

                                     ANTHROPOLOGIST
                         How's it going, boys?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I found a magic triangle and this 
                         greedy son of a bitch took it from 
                         me!!

                                     KYLE
                         You threw it away, fatso!!

                                     ANTHROPOLOGIST
                         Let me see that.

               Kyle gives him the triangle.

                                     ANTHROPOLOGIST
                         Why, this is Anastasi writing! My 
                         God, this must must be thousands of 
                         years old!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on! Let me kick you in the nuts 
                         for it!!

               INT. TELEVISION SET - NEWS STUDIO

                                     ANCHOR
                         And finally tonight, a young boy 
                         from South Park, Colorado found 
                         something very interesting during a 
                         field trip today. Here with a special 
                         report is a quadriplegic Swiss man 
                         on a pony.

               EXT. ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG - DAY

               A Quadriplegic Swiss man sits on a pony with another person 
               holding a mic in front of his face.

                                     QUADRIPLEGIC FIREMAN ON PONY
                         Thanks Tom, the little eight year 
                         old was very shocked indeed when he 
                         came across a very ancient triangular 
                         object.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               CLOSE UP on Kyle with a mic in his face.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, I was just digging around and 
                         I was all like 'Dude, I found this 
                         triangle'. And my friends were all 
                         like, 'dude'. And I was all 'Dude'.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               CLOSE UP on Cartman with the mic on him.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And I told him I said Kyle, I will 
                         kick you in the nuts. But he didn't 
                         give it back to me. So I kicked him 
                         square in the nuts... And he cried 
                         like Nancy Kerrigan.

                                     KYLE (O.S.)
                         YOU LIAR, CARTMAN!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Screw you, triangle thief!!

                                     QUADRIPLEGIC FIREMAN ON PONY
                         And so the little boy will take his 
                         discovery home, and perhaps donate 
                         it to science... A little later. 
                         Back to you, Dave.

               INT. TELEVISION SET - NEWS STUDIO

               Back in the studio, the guy is at his desk, with a live image 
               of the reporter behind him.

                                     ANCHOR
                         Thanks, Tom. Those are some cute, 
                         cute kids. Except for that last one, 
                         he's a little tubby.

               The image WHIPS to Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY!!

               EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

               The boys walk into Kyle's house.

                                     STAN
                         What are you gonna do with it, dude?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm gonna put it in my room, where 
                         Cartman can't find it!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh I'll find it, don't worry!!

               Kyle goes into his room and slams the door. Cartman tries 
               the knob, but the door is locked.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddammit! Give my triangle! Kyle! 
                         Seriously!

                                     STAN
                         You DID throw it away, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I was just setting it aside.

                                     STAN
                         Well, you might as well let it go.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Never! I'll get that triangle if 
                         it's the last thing I do!!

               INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

               Chef is in the kitchen, stirring up a large bowl of something 
               indistinguishable.

                                     CHEF
                              (Rap/Singing)
                         Gimme a little bit of that pepper. 
                         Gimme a little bit of that salt. Put 
                         it in the skillet and cook it-

                                     VOICE
                         Excuse me, sir...

               Chef turns around to see a plain looking man with a beard.

                                     CHEF
                         Can I help -- Hey, you're that movie 
                         critic guy on TV!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Leonard Maltin, yes.

                                     CHEF
                         Well I'll be a teenage girl backstage 
                         at an Aerosmith concert! Leonard 
                         Maltin in MY cafeteria! I'm Chef.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         I know who you are. You must listen 
                         to me, Chef. We have precious little 
                         time. Have you seen Barbara Streisand 
                         recently?

                                     CHEF
                         Barbara Streisand? You mean like, 
                         THE Barbara Streisand?

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                              (Snapping)
                         HAVE YOU SEEN HER?!?!

                                     CHEF
                         No! Not since Yentl!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Thank God, then I'm not too late.

                                     CHEF
                         Too late for what?

               Leonard steps closer to Chef.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Chef, it is of the utmost importance 
                         that you tell me where those little 
                         boys from the news report on TV are.

               Chef thinks.

                                     CHEF
                         Why do you care?

               EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

               The boys are building a snowman.

                                     STAN
                         I have a button we can use for his 
                         nose!

                                     KENNY
                         Mph mm mrph mrph mm mph.

                                     KYLE
                         What would you use a marble sack 
                         for?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Be careful where you put that carrot. 
                         Kyle might steal it.

                                     KYLE
                         I didn't STEAL anything.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm 
                         not speaking with him.

                                     KYLE
                         GOOD!!

               A loud CHOPPING sound surprises the boys. They look around.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What's that noise?

               Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a very large, black helicopter 
               drops down from the sky.

                                     STAN
                         Woa!

                                     CARTMAN
                         AAGH!! ALIENS!!

               The helicopter lands, and a figure steps out from inside. 
               She walks into the light, it is Barbara Streisand.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Who is the boy I saw on the News 
                         report tonight?

               The other boys all point at Kyle.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Hello there, little boy. Do you know 
                         who I am?

                                     KYLE
                         No.

               Babs looks shocked.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Oh I bet you do-
                              (Singing)
                         I'm going... Where there's lucky 
                         clovers in the sun...

                                     KYLE
                              (Covering his ears)
                         AGH! Stop that!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, that sucks, dude.

               Now Babs looks pissed off.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         I'm Barbara Streisand!

                                     STAN
                         So.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         So?!
                              (Composing herself)
                         So... I'm a VERY famous and VERY 
                         important individual.

                                     STAN
                         Like John Elway important?

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         WHAT?!

                                     STAN
                         Do you know John Elway?

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         No!

                                     STAN
                              (To the boys)
                         Oh, so you're really famous and 
                         important but you don't know John 
                         Elway.

               Babs looks ready to kill. But she takes a deep breath and 
               tries another approach.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Look, little boy, I understand that 
                         you found a neat little triangle 
                         near here. You know what I'm talking 
                         about?

                                     KYLE
                              (Suspicious)
                         Yeah...

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, I found it, HE stole it!

                                     KYLE
                         YOU THREW IT AWAY, CARTMAN!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To Streisand)
                         I'm not talking to him, because he's 
                         a dirty thief.

               Babs ignores this and kneels down next to Kyle.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                              (Excited)
                         Little boy, does the triangle have a 
                         symbol of two snakes joined at the 
                         middle?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, how'd you know?

               Bab's eyes get huge. She takes in a deep breath, and looks 
               into Kyle's eyes.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Okay, now this is VERY important... 
                         Where is the Triangle of Zinthar 
                         now?

                                     KYLE
                         Triangle of Zinthar?

                                     STAN
                         Why do you want to know, lady?

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, YOU PISSANT 
                         LITTLE HICK!!!

                                     STAN
                         Woa, dude!

               Stan reels back. Babs grabs Kyle's arms and shakes him.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         WHERE IS THE TRIANGLE, DAMMIT?

                                     KYLE
                         AGHAGH!!

               Just then Officer Barbrady steps up.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         What seems to be the problemo, here?

               Babs let's go of Kyle, stands up and fixes her hair.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Problemo? There's no problemo, 
                         Officer. I was just introducing myself 
                         to these... CHARMING little boys.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nu-uh! She was being a total bitch!

               Babs gets pissed again, but contains herself.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Boys shouldn't you be in school?

                                     STAN
                         It's Saturday.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         NO EXCUSES! MOVE ALONG YA LITTLE 
                         TROUBLE MAKERS!!

               The boys all look at each other and walk away. Babs and 
               Barbrady are left alone.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Well?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well what?

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         YOU know who I am, don't you?

               Barbrady looks her up and down.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, you ain't Fiona Apple. And if 
                         you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a 
                         rat's ass.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         AAAGHGH!!!!!

               Streisand fumes and walks away.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hoo! What a bitch!

               EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE

               Chef knocks on Kyle's door with Leonard Maltin.

                                     CHEF
                         I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Damn! Then we must look for them 
                         elsewhere!

                                     CHEF
                         Now, come on, man! What is this all 
                         about?!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         If Barbara Streisand saw the same 
                         news report I did, then those boys 
                         are in grave danger... If YOU were 
                         Barbara Streisand, where would you 
                         be right now?

               Chef thinks...

                                     CHEF
                         Hmmm...

               EXT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

               Establishing.

               EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         No, no! I mean where would she be 
                         staying?

                                     CHEF
                         Oh... Uh, well, I always heard that 
                         Mrs. Streisand had her own four 
                         million dollar condominium up near 
                         the ski slope.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Where?!

                                     CHEF
                         I don't know, it was just a rumor!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Dammit, man, where is your car?!?!

               EXT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO

               A huge, all glass immaculate condo sits perched on a mountain 
               above South Park.

               A TITLE reads 'Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar 
               Mountain Condo'.

               INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO

               Babs stands on her balcony overlooking the town and tapping 
               her fingers much like the Grinch.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         He has it Milo... That little bastard 
                         has the triangle.

                                     MILO
                         Are you sure?

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         I'm sure! He knew about the symbol 
                         of Krulock!!

               Bab's walks into the living room. Milo follows her.

                                     MILO
                         Then why don't we go get it?

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         A cop showed up. He's a clever one. 
                         I can't blow everything now that I'm 
                         this close. Everything must be handled 
                         very carefully.

               Now babs walks over to a bookcase and hits a button on it. 
               Immediately, the bookcase spins around and a huge, hidden 
               glass case reveals itself.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         How many years has it been, Milo? 
                         Thirty? Forty?

               Streisand walks up to the case and peers in.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         For so long I have waited to find 
                         the other triangle...

               We ZOOM in on the glass case.

               Inside, in a very strange display, is a small, blue triangle. 
               An empty space next to it, awaits another triangle... Kyle's 
               Triangle.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         And now I am so close... The dawn of 
                         Zinthar is close at hand!!!!

               Babs starts a horrible, maniacal laugh.

               FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

                                          ACT II

               EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Establishing.

               INT. KYLE'S HOUSE

               The inside of Kyle's house is lit softly by moonlight.

               PAN ACROSS Kyle's room.

               Kyle is sleeping soundly in his bed.

               PAN ACROSS further, where we see the triangle displayed 
               proudly on Kyle's dresser.

               A STRANGE SOUND cues the camera to TILT UP to the ceiling, 
               where a circle is being cut by a blue flame.

               The circle completes, and the piece of ceiling falls to the 
               floor.

               Kyle turns a little, but stays asleep.

               Now a rope falls from the ceiling, and a figure, dressed all 
               in black, slides down it.

               We see through the masked eyes of this person. It looks over 
               at Kyle, who tosses and turns, then back to the triangle. It 
               nears the triangle, reaches its black gloved hand towards 
               it...

                                     IKE
                         BABA MAMA BABA MA!!!!

               The figure is startled, and knocks over a glass framed picture 
               on Kyle's dresser. It hits the ground. SMASH!!!!! Kyle jolts 
               awake. Ike jumps in front of the figure.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman?!

               Cartman takes off his black mask.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You scared the crap out of me, Ike!

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell are you doing?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm trying to get my triangle -- 
                         Wait a minute, I'm not talking to 
                         you!

               Cartman turns to Ike.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was 
                         just trying to get MY triangle back?!!

                                     IKE
                         Baba simi babangle ba.

                                     KYLE
                         Well Ike, YOU can tell CARTMAN that 
                         it's MY TRIANGLE!!

                                     IKE
                         Baba MY babamama.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, you can tell Kyle he's a dirty 
                         goddamn son of a bitch!!

                                     IKE
                         Koyle a goddam sonna ba.

                                     KYLE
                         Alright, alright! If it means that 
                         much to you, TAKE the stupid 
                         triangle!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

               Kyle storms over to the dresser and picks up the triangle.

                                     KYLE
                         If it'll make you leave me alone, 
                         then just take the damn thing, here!!

               Kyle hands Cartman the triangle. Cartman is speechless.

                                     KYLE
                         There! Now get out of my house and I 
                         hope you feel really, REALLY good 
                         about yourself!

               Cartman thinks.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hell yeah I do! I got the triangle!

               Cartman happily walks out. Kyle jumps back in bed and pulls 
               the blanket over his head.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Offscreen in distance)
                         I got the tri-angle! I got the tri-
                         angle!

               EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD

               Chef's family car drives up the snowpacked mountain road.

               INT. CHEF'S CAR

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Are you sure Barbara Streisand has a 
                         condo up here?

                                     CHEF
                         It was just a rumor... A lot of big 
                         celebrities have mountain condos.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Then we've got to keep looking...

               Chef stops the car.

                                     CHEF
                         Alright, Leonard Maltin, this has 
                         gone far enough! I ain't driving 
                         another mile until you tell me what 
                         this is all about!!

               Leonard Maltin takes a deep breath.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Haven't you ever been curious about 
                         the insanity Barbara Streisand 
                         exhibits?

                                     CHEF
                         Well, I always heard she was kind of 
                         a bitch, but-

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         MORE THAN A BITCH, Mr. Chef!! She is 
                         a calculating, self-centered 
                         egotistical... bitch. She was born 
                         in a small town, her mother was a 
                         Jackel and her father was an insurance 
                         salesman!

                                     CHEF
                              (He gets a chill)
                         Woo... Insurance salesman?

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                              (Rapidly)
                         When she was five, she knew that she 
                         wanted to be a famous singer. But by 
                         the time she was six, her ambitions 
                         became to rule the universe. She 
                         learned of an ancient diamond. The 
                         diamond of Pantheous.

                                     CHEF
                         Okay, you know what? Never mind. I 
                         don't need to know all this -- forget 
                         I asked.

               Chef starts to drive again.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                              (Very quickly)
                         Before she was seven, the keepers of 
                         Pantheous learned of this insane 
                         little girl's wish. The diamond was 
                         split up and buried at opposite ends 
                         of the world. But then, during the 
                         shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbara 
                         Streisand found one of the 
                         triangles...

                                     CHEF
                         And the other triangle is the one 
                         that little Kyle has?

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Yes... Mr. Chef, if Babs gets a hold 
                         of that other triangle, she will 
                         fulfill her prophecy and become the 
                         most threatening thing ever known to 
                         mankind...

               ZOOM IN on Leonard Maltin.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         MECHA-STREISAND.

                                     CHEF
                         Mecha-Streisand? Oh man, I don't 
                         know what the hell that means, but 
                         it doesn't sound good!

               EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

               The boys are waiting for the bus to come.

                                     STAN
                         Man, the bus sure is late.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hmmm, I wonder what I should do with 
                         MY triangle, now that it is MY 
                         triangle...

                                     KYLE
                         Dammit, Cartman! I gave it to you so 
                         you would SHUT UP!!

               Just then, a nice, tan Honda Accord four door pulls up, and 
               a strange looking person gets out.

               Actually, it's just Barbara Streisand wearing groucho glasses 
               with a mustache. She talks with a ridiculously disguised 
               voice.

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                         Oh, hello there little boys. How are 
                         you today?

                                     STAN
                         Fine.

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                         That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones. 
                         And I am a very friendly, nice person.

               The boys don't respond.

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                         I hear that one of you found my 
                         triangle.

                                     KYLE
                         YOUR triangle?

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                         Yes. You see, that triangle is part 
                         of my Kidney Dialysis machine. I'm 
                         so glad you found it, because without 
                         it, I was sure to die within hours.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh no you don't! Finders keepers!

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                         But I'll die!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well I guess we'll have to Roshambo 
                         for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as 
                         hard as I can, then you kick me square 
                         in the nuts as hard as you can.

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                         I want to give you a BIG cash reward 
                         for finding it. It's worth a lot of 
                         money to me.

                                     CARTMAN
                         It is?!

                                     STAN
                         Hey, no wonder that Barbara Streisand 
                         lady wanted it!

               Babs eyes get wide.

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                         Oh, ha, ha... Who is that?

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, just this really, really old 
                         lady who wishes she was still only 
                         forty-five.

               The boys all laugh. Babs gets furious.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! And you should have seen her 
                         nose, it was big enough to land 
                         Stealth Bombers on!

               The boys laugh harder. Babs starts shaking with anger.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and talk about a bitch! I 
                         haven't seen-

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                              (Screaming)
                         ENOUGH!!!

               The boys all reel back.

                                     DISGUISED BABS
                              (Getting back in 
                              character)
                         Uh, ha-ha... Anyway, if you'll come 
                         with me in my car, I'll take you up 
                         to my condo where I'll kill you -- I 
                         mean -- give you money for the 
                         triangle.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet! I'm gonna be rich!! Bet you 
                         wish you wouldn't have given me back 
                         that triangle NOW, huh, Kyle! DUMBASS!

               Cartman follows Barbara to her car. The other boys shrug and 
               follow too.

                                     KYLE
                         Wait, isn't there some rule about 
                         not getting into cars with Strangers?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, not when money is involved, 
                         stupid!

               EXT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY

               Establishing shot of a lush, Hollywood Studio.

               INT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY

               A large film crew is shooting around a large set of a living 
               room.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         And... ACTION!!

               Two actors, SIDNEY POITIER and SALLY STRUTHERS are doing a 
               scene together.

                                     SIDNEY POITIER
                         Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any 
                         other, with dreams and emotions. And 
                         that's why I'll NEVER put a foreign 
                         object up my ass.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Cut! Great, print that! Excellent 
                         work, Sid. Take five guys, let's set 
                         up for the next shot.

               Sidney Poiter goes into his dressing room. The star on his 
               door does tell us this IS Sidney Poitier.

               INT. SIDNEY POITIER'S DRESSING ROOM

               Sidney walks in and plops down in front of his make-up table.

                                     VOICES
                         HELLO?!

                                     SIDNEY POITIER
                         Ho?

               Sidney looks down on his make-up table where two very small 
               Japanese girls are standing in an oyster shell.

                                     JAPANESE TWINS
                         You must hurry. A young man has found 
                         the Triangle of Zinthar!

                                     SIDNEY POITIER
                         Where?!

                                     JAPANESE TWINS
                         A small, pissant white-bread mountain 
                         town in Colorado called 'South Park'.

                                     SIDNEY POITIER
                         Excellent...

               Sidney smiles, is he evil or good?

               INT. BARBARA'S CONDO - DAY

               Barbara is back to her normal, bitchy self.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will 
                         be mine, and I WILL BE THE BIGGEST, 
                         MOST FAMOUS PERSON EVER!!!!

               The boys are all chained to the wall. The have shackles around 
               their ankles and wrists.

               Cartman is in the middle, hooked up to some kind of torture 
               device.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let me go! Seriously!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! Let us go!!

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         You fools have no idea the powers 
                         that you are meddling with! I'll 
                         teach you to meddle with MY TRIANGLE!!

               Barbara pulls a lever. The ropes holding Cartman start to 
               pull him apart.

                                     CARTMAN
                         AGHAGH!!!! IT'S NOT MY TRIANGLE!! 
                         IT'S KYLE'S!!!!

                                     KYLE
                         HEY! DON'T TRY TO PASS IT BACK ON 
                         ME, FAT ASS!!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Still being pulled 
                              apart)
                         SCREW YOU, HIPPIE!!

               The torture continues. Cartman gets stretched further.

                                     BARBARA STREISAND
                         WHERE IS THE TRIANGLE OF ZINTHAR?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't remember!

                                     KYLE
                         Goddammit, tell her!! I wanna go 
                         home!!

                                     BARBARA STREISAND
                         Well... Maybe THIS will help JAR 
                         YOUR MEMORY-

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! Don't!

                                     BARBARA STREISAND
                              (Singing)
                         There's a place for us...

                                     CARTMAN
                         AGHAGHAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!

               The boys all shake and struggle to break free.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                              (Music stops)
                         NOW do you remember?!?!

               The boys all gasp for breath, as if they've all been beaten 
               severely.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Damn your black heart, Barbara 
                         Streisand!!

                                     STAN
                         I don't know how much more I can 
                         take, dude.

                                     MS. STREISAND
                         Alright, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!
                              (Singing)
                         I'm gonna tell you now...

                                     BOYS
                         NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

               INT. CHEF'S CAR

               Chef and Leonard Maltin are still driving.

                                     CHEF
                         I don't know, man... Maybe Barbara 
                         Streisand doesn't have a place up 
                         here after all.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Looks like we'll have to go to plan 
                         B.

                                     CHEF
                         There's a plan B? Why the hell have 
                         we been driving around all night and 
                         day for when there's a plan B?!?!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Have you ever heard of the band called 
                         'The Cure'?

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, come on. Don't tell me The Cure 
                         has something to do with this too!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         No, no... Just the lead singer. AGH!!

               Suddenly, Leonard Maltin grabs his temples.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         AGH!!

                                     CHEF
                         Woa, what's the matter, Leonard 
                         Maltin?!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         She's close! She's very close! I can 
                         feel her.

                                     CHEF
                         Where?!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         She has the boys! They're in trouble!!

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, fudge!!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Keep going this way, hurry!!

               Chef turns a corner and speeds up.

               INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO

                                     BARBARA STREISAND
                              (Singing)
                         Happiness with you is like happiness 
                         with...

                                     BOYS
                         AAGHAGHAG!!!!

                                     STAN
                         OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE 
                         TRIANGLE IS!!!

               Babs stops singing.

                                     CARTMAN
                         IT'S INSIDE MY SHOE!!

               Milo dashes over and takes off Cartman's shoe. As soon as he 
               does, the boys all react to the smell.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, for Christ's sake Cartman! When's 
                         the last time you changed your socks?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         And I suppose YOUR socks smell like 
                         the botanical gardens!

               Milo takes the triangle over to Babs. She holds it up and 
               looks at it with awe.

                                     BARBARA STREISAND
                         Finally, the triangle is mine!!

               Barbara storms over to the glass case and hits a button on 
               top.

                                     BARBARA STREISAND
                         After centuries of waiting, I finally 
                         have the triangle of Zinthar!!!

               She reaches into the case and grabs the other triangle.

                                     BARBARA STREISAND
                         NOW THE DIAMOND OF PANTHEOS IS 
                         COMPLETE!!!

               She slips the smaller blue triangle into the other triangle. 
               Immediately, the pair LOCK together and begin to spin, the 
               levitate of the ground in between the kids and Barbara 
               Striesand.

                                     BARBARA STREISAND
                         SUGOI! KONO HI WA ATARASHII HAJIMARU 
                         DA!! IMA KARA ATASHI NO NAMAE WA...

               A FLASH of brilliant bright light and a laser shoot from the 
               levitating triangles.

                                     STAN
                         Woa dude!!

               It hits Barbara Streisand right in the chest. Instantly she 
               starts to grow. She busts right out of the roof of her condo 
               and keeps growing.

               She keeps growing and expanding until she is a 800 FOOT TALL 
               HUGE METALLIC MONSTER BARBARA STREISAND!

                                     MECHA STREISAND
                         MECHA-BARBARA STREISAND DA!!!!

               Mecha-Babs lets out a tremendous ROAR! and walks off towards 
               South Park leaving the boys chained up in the roofless condo.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this is pretty fucked up, right 
                         here.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

               We see several of the little buildings, one of which is 
               Jimbo's gun shop.

               Silence... Then FWOOM!!! A HUGE, MECHA FOOT Stomps on the 
               building, shattering it to bits.

               BOOM UP to reveal Mecha Streisand in a typical Godzilla pose.

                                     MECHA STREISAND
                         EYAAA!! ARGH!!!

                                     JIMBO
                         Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest 
                         goddamn deer I've ever SEEN!!

               SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK

                                         ACT III

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

               A normal looking NEWS REPORTER stands in front of South Park 
               avenue.

               All is very peaceful and quiet.

                                     NEWS REPORTER
                         And so, just weeks after the 
                         devastating attack of Mutant Genetic 
                         creatures, zombies and Thanksgiving 
                         Turkeys, The town of South Park has 
                         managed to rebuild itself, once again 
                         becoming-

               KRAAA!!! Townspeople of South Park run screaming as Mecha 
               Barbara makes her way down South Park avenue, destroying all 
               the buildings as she goes.

                                     NEWS REPORTER
                         Oh, goddammit not again...

               Barbara easily destroys the buildings on South Park avenue. 
               People run screaming as a Japanese-style song takes over the 
               audio.

                                     JAPANESE SINGER
                         Bar-Boo-RA!! Bar-Boo-RA!!! Ichiban 
                         kirai no hito!! BA-BOO-RA!! BA BOO-
                         RA!!! Hana ga OOKII!!!!

               INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

               We are looking towards the Mayor's desk and Window. The Mayor 
               is standing with her back to us looking out the window.

               In the Window, we can see Mecha-Streisand destroying the 
               town.

               Now angle reverses and we see the Mayor's shocked face with 
               wide open jaw.

               In the background, the door opens and one of the aides pops 
               his head in.

                                     AIDE
                         Mayor! Barbara Streisand is-

                                     MAYOR
                              (Still staring out 
                              window)
                         I noticed!!! CALL THE NATIONAL 
                         GUARD!!!

               The aide dashes off, closing the door.

               The Mayor keeps looking out the window as we hear SCREAMING, 
               SIRENS and CRASHES in the distance.

                                     MAYOR
                         We'll get you, you bitch... And to 
                         think, I actually WATCHED your HBO 
                         special...

               INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO

               Chef and Leonard Maltin run into Barbara's evil lair, where 
               the boys are still chained to the wall.

                                     CHEF
                         CHILDREN!!

                                     BOYS
                         CHEF!!!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Oh, no!

               Leonard stands next to the broken case where the triangles 
               once were.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         She has joined the two triangles?

                                     CARTMAN
                         YEAH! SHE STOLE MY TRIANGLE!

                                     STAN
                         Get us down from here!!

               Chef runs up to the boys and tries to free them.

                                     CHEF
                              (Struggling)
                         I can't break these locks!!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         Stand back, Chef!

               Chef takes a step away. Leonard Maltin gets in a martial 
               arts pose.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                              (Japanese Accent)
                         MARUTIN RAY!!

               Suddenly, red lasers shoot out of Leonard Maltin's eyes, 
               strike the chains and free the boys.

                                     KYLE
                         Woa! That was cool!!

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         I've got to go after Mecha-Streisand! 
                         Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith 
                         of The Cure at this number.

                                     STAN
                         Robert Smith?! Sweet!!!

               INT. RECORDING STUDIO - ENGLAND

               In the FOREGROUND a red telephone rings.

               ROBERT SMITH of The Cure walks over and picks up the phone.

                                     ROBERT SMITH
                         Hello?

                                     CHEF
                         Uh, yes, is this Robert Smith of the 
                         Cure?

                                     ROBERT SMITH
                         Yes it is.

                                     CHEF
                         This may sound kind of strange, but 
                         Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.

               Suddenly, Robert Smith's expression becomes very dismal. 
               (More than usual).

                                     ROBERT SMITH
                         Oh, Barbara Streisand's found the 
                         other triangle, eh?

               Chef looks suprised.

               EXT. DENVER - DAY

               The national guard has turned out to try and fight Mecha 
               Babs.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Alright, men!! Give her everything 
                         you've got!!

               A row of tanks pulls up in front of Mecha-Babs and starts 
               firing missles at her.

               They seem to have no effect.

               Five army helicopters fly in front of Mecha-Streisand's face.

               INT. ONE OF THE HELICOPTERS

               Jimbo is holding a large rocket launcher as Ned Pilot's the 
               helicopter.

                                     JIMBO
                         GET AROUND SIDE HER, NED!! I CAN'T 
                         GET A SHOT IN FROM HERE!!

                                     NED
                         Okay.

               They fly up near Bab's scary face, her huge eye looks at 
               them with anger.

                                     NED
                              (Flatly)
                         Aaagh. Aaaagh. I'm scared.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

               Mecha-Babs looks at the helicopter with Jimbo and Ned inside 
               just as Jimbo fires his rocket launcher.

               Babs reels back only slightly from the rocket's impact, then 
               with a huge ROAR swings her large mechanical arm at the 
               helicopter, sending it spinning to the ground.

                                     JAPANESE SINGER
                         Ba-Boo-RA!! Ba-Boo-RA!! Sugoi na 
                         Bitchu da!!!

                                     CAPTAIN
                         It's no use!! Our firepower has no 
                         effect!!

               Suddenly, Kyle's mother comes running up.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh my God! It IS YOU!!!

               Mecha-Barbara looks down.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh I am SUCH a huge fan, Ms. 
                         Streisand!! I never thought I'd live 
                         to see you in person!!

                                     MECHA STREISAND
                         KRAGHGHGH!!!!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I hate to ask this, but, could I get 
                         an autograph? My sister would DIE!

                                     MECHA STREISAND
                         KRAGHGHG!!!

               Mecha-Streisand leans down, picks up the small pen and head 
               shot from kyle's mother, signs it, and hands it back.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand!!

                                     MECHA STREISAND
                         GRAGHGHGH!!!!

               Mecha Streisand stomps on a couple more buildings and lays 
               waste to the entire town of South Park!

               Buildings, cars and trains are thrown around like toys.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         We're doomed!! Goodbye, Mr. Hat!

                                     JAPANESE SINGER
                         BA-BOO-RA!!! BA-BOO-RA!!!

               Mecha-Babs lets out a huge cry, then continues through the 
               town.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         BARBARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

               Babs stops and looks down at the ground, where Leonard Maltin 
               stands in front of her. BABS almost looks scared for a 
               moment... Then lets out a loud cry.

               Leonard Maltin crosses his arms over his chest.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         KITTE! KITTE! CHURI-PU!!!

               Suddenly, Leonard Maltin starts to grow!! Babs watches in 
               shock as Leonard Maltin becomes ULTRA-LEONARD MALTIN!!

                                     JAPANESE VOICE
                              (Out of nowhere)
                         ULLLTURAAA MARUTIN!!!!

               Finally, when Leonard is the same size as Babs, he gets in a 
               Kung-Fu fighting stance.

               Babs gets in a stance of her own, and the two start fighting 
               each other.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

               Chef and the boys come running in to see Mecha-Streisand and 
               Ultra-Maltin fighting.

               Everything around them is burning and crashing to the ground.

                                     CHEF
                         Look out, children!!

               Mecha-Streisand's huge foot crashes down next to Kenny and 
               smashes a car. People run through frame, screaming.

               A flaming storefront then crashes down, the boys jump out of 
               the way, just in time.

               Just then, Kenny walks over to a Tetherball pole and boredly 
               hits the ball. The rope to the ball gets caught around Kenny's 
               neck, and Kenny gets strangled up next to the pole.

               Kenny turns blue, then purple, then pink.

               Mecha-Streisand hits Ultra-Maltin and his huge body falls to 
               the ground, just missing Chef and the boys.

               Kyle turns around and sees Kenny, wrapped around the 
               Tetherball pole.

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God!! They killed Kenny!!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!!

               Suddenly, an older black man flies down next to Chef.

                                     SIDNEY POITIER
                         What's going on, here?!

                                     CHEF
                         Sidney Poitier?!?!

                                     SIDNEY POITIER
                         That's right, I'm Sidney Poitier.

                                     CHEF
                         Damn man, it's nice to meet you! THE 
                         Sidney Poitier in MY home town!!

                                     SIDNEY POITIER
                         Barbara Streisand has found the 
                         triangle of Zinthar?

                                     CHEF
                         Yup. She's made the diamond of 
                         Pantheos, alright.

                                     SIDNEY POITIER
                         KOO_RA KOO RA SUKI!!!

               Sidney Poitier turns into a Gamera-turtle thing Sidney Poitier 
               and flies over to help Leonard Maltin do battle.

                                     JAPANESE SINGER
                         MEGA POITIER!! MEGA POITIER!! SUGOI 
                         KUROI DA NE!!! MEGA POITIER!! MEGA 
                         POITIER!!

               Chef looks to his right, where we actually see the Japanese 
               singer, in a suit, singing into a microphone.

                                     CHEF
                         Is that really necessary?

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

               Now shit is REALLY going down.

               The boys watch in awe as Helicopters, tanks and missles fly 
               at Mecha-Babs as she wrestles and fights with both Ultra 
               Maltin and Mega-Poitier.

               Mecha-Streisand is the obvious stronger, as she picks up 
               Mega Poitier, spins him over her head and throws him over 
               the mountains.

               Ultra-Maltin tries his eye lasers, but Mecha-Babs just puts 
               out her hand, and stops them easily.

               Then she tilts her head back, and shoots BIGGER lasers out 
               her nose, which strike Leonard Maltin and send him flying 
               backwards in pain.

               Mecha-Babs throws her arms up in victory.

                                     CHEF
                         It's over... She's too strong for 
                         them children. We'll have to leave 
                         town.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Make it go away!! I hate Barbara 
                         Streisand! I hate her!!

                                     STAN
                         My mom always said there are no 
                         monsters, but there are, aren't there, 
                         Chef...

                                     CHEF
                         We have to say goodbye to South 
                         Park...

               Mecha-Babs continues her havoc.

               Just then, Robert Smith walks up to Chef and the boys.

                                     ROBERT SMITH
                         Am I too late?

                                     CHEF
                         Who are you?

                                     STAN
                         Dude! That's Robert Smith of The 
                         Cure!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet!!

                                     ROBERT SMITH
                         Here, you boys hold this walkie. You 
                         can help me fight her.

               Robert hands the boys a small walkie talkie.

                                     CHEF
                         You can try Robert Smith, but that 
                         thing just beat the crap out of 
                         Leonard Maltin AND Sidney Poitier!!

                                     ROBERT SMITH
                         I have to try. I can't let Barbara 
                         Streisand do this to the entire world.

               Robert Smith spins around...

                                     JAPANESE SINGER
                         ROB-ATO SUMISU!! ROB-ATO SUMISU!!

               Mecha-Babs turns around and sees the thriving metropolis of 
               Denver in the distance. She smiles a big mechanical smile 
               and heads towards it.

               But then, behind her another huge figure appears. It is 
               Mothora Robert Smith!!!

               Now Babs looks really, really scared.

               Robert opens his huge mouth and lets out one of his high 
               pitched screams.

               Babs tries to cover her ears as windows all over the buildings 
               still standing shatter.

               Mecha-Babs retaliates with her own high pitched note. Robert 
               covers his ears and even more windows break.

               Stan has the little talkie around his wrist. Leonard Maltin, 
               back to normal size and looking severely beaten, walks up 
               next to the boys.

                                     LEONARD MALTIN
                         We must tell him that her weak point 
                         is the nose...

               Stan talks into the walkie.

                                     STAN
                         Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot 
                         punch!

               The huge Robert Smith looks down at Stan and nods.

               Just then Mecha-Babs charges Smith!! But Smith hits a switch 
               on his arm which sends the end of his arm flying!!

               It hits Babs square in the nose.

               Babs reels back with a horrific scream. The Diamond of 
               Pantheos flies out of her nose and lands right at Kyle's 
               feet.

                                     KYLE
                         The diamond of Pantheos!! She must 
                         be powerless now!!

                                     STAN
                              (Into walkie)
                         Quickly, Robert Smith, she's 
                         powerless!!

               Robert runs up to the Dazed Mecha-Streisand and grabs her by 
               the mechanical tail.

               He spins her round and round and round...

                                     JAPANESE SINGER
                         ROBAT-O SUMISU!! ROBAT-O SUMISU!!!

               Finally, after gaining enough momentum, Robert lets go. And 
               Mecha-Streisand goes flying into outer space.

               EXT. SPACE

               Mecha-Streisand flies outward from Earth and continues on 
               past the moon.

               She lets out a horrific cry. As her huge body gets past the 
               moon, it explodes like a nuclear bomb. Body pieces flying 
               everywhere.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

               The explosion in the sky looks beautiful from South Park. 
               Like a huge firework.

                                     STAN
                         He DID IT!!!

                                     KYLE
                         NO MORE BARBARA STREISAND EVER!!!

                                     STAN
                         Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest 
                         person that ever lived!!

                                     JESUS
                         Our Savior!!

               Robert Smith shrinks back to normal size.

                                     ROBERT SMITH
                         Can I have my walkie talkie back 
                         now, please?

               Cartman is holding it now.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No way! You gave it to us!! It's 
                         MINE now!!

                                     ROBERT SMITH
                         Alright, I'll Roshambo you for it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

               Robert Smith kicks Cartman in the nuts.

               Robert Smith walks away.

                                     CHEF
                         Hey, where is he going?

                                     STAN
                         Goodbye Robert Smith!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you for your help. Visit us 
                         again.

                                     KYLE
                         'Disinigration' is the best album 
                         ever!!

               Robert Smith walks away to the setting sun.

               COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

               INT. KYLE'S HOUSE

               Kyle has the two triangles of Zinthar.

                                     STAN
                         Well, what should we do with the two 
                         triangles now?

                                     KYLE
                         We've got to get rid of them. NOBODY 
                         should have the kind of power Barbara 
                         Streisand wanted.

               Kyle throws the triangles in the trash.

                                     STAN
                         Well, at least I have this sweet 
                         walkie talkie Robert Smith gave me.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! That's MY walkie-talkie! He gave 
                         it to ME!!

                                     KYLE
                         Dammit, Cartman don't you ever learn 
                         anything?!

               In the back ground, Ike hops over to the trash and reaches 
               in.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, Stan! it's MINE! I'll 
                         Roshambo you for it!

                                     STAN
                         Go to hell, Cartman!

               The boys walk outside as Ike picks the two triangles out of 
               the trash.

               EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE

                                     KYLE
                         Well, that whole experience sure did 
                         suck.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with!

                                     KYLE
                         But you know, I've learned something 
                         today. I've learned that people who 
                         want power, a lot of power, always... 
                         end up dead.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, and I've learned something too. 
                         Robert Smith kicks ass.

               The ground rumbles. The boys look around in panic.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, no!! She's back!!!

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! LOOK!!

               A HUGE, HUGE IKE steps out from behind the house.

                                     BOYS
                         AGHGHGH!!!!! MECHA-IKE!!!!

                                         THE END

Mecha Streisand



Writers :   Trey Parker  Philip Stark  Matt Stone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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