The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 216

                            "MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE MANSON!"

                                        Written by

                               Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental



               [The Marsh house. The family is in the living room]

                                     SHARON
                         The answer is "no", Stanley!

                                     STAN
                         But Mom, all the guys are going to Cartman's 
                         Grandma's for the weekend!
 
                                     SHARON
                         I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't let you 
                         go all the way to Nebraska by yourself. 
                         It's the holidays.
 
                                     STAN
                         But all the other guys get to go to 
                         Cartman's Grandma's; why can't I?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         I'll leave it up to your father.

                                     RANDY
                          Eh, it's fine with me.

                                     SHARON
                          The answer is no, Stanley! Now go wash 
                         up for supper!
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't want your lame-ass supper!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Ew! You're gonna get it now!

                                     SHARON
                          Go to your room, Stanley! Right now! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Can't tell me what to do! I'm eight 
                         years old!  I don't need this stupid 
                         family anyway! 
 
               [Outside the Cartman house. Liane is packing the boys' gear into 
               her station wagon. Kyle's parents and Kenny's parents are seeing 
               them off]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's so nice of you to take all the 
                         boys with you
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, it's my pleasure. Eric loves his 
                         little friends.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Every time I go to my Grandma's house, 
                         she gives me a present. You watch: as 
                         soon as I walk in the door she'll hand 
                         me a biiig present, for no reason, except 
                         that I'm cool.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's nice, Cartman.

                                     STUART
                          Now, remember, if they have left-over 
                         turkey, put some in a bag and bring 
                         it home, okay?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Okay.)

                                     STAN
                          Okay, let's go!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I didn't think you were coming, 
                         Stan.
 
                                     STAN
                         'Course I'm coming! Come on, let's hurry!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Goodbye, bubbe! Be careful!

                                     STUART
                          See you in a couple of days, son.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Shotgun! It's my car, I call it first: 
                         shotgun!  Kenny, I called it shotgun! 
                          Damn it, Kenny, get in the back!  Hey, 
                         Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets 
                         over there.  Look, Kenny, there's an 
                         elephant parade!  Ken-ny. Kenny, look. 
                         Look! Go get it , Go get it!  ha ha 
                         ha, you poor piece o'crap. 
 
                                     STAN
                         So, how far is it to Nebraska?

                                     LIANE
                         Around six hours.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God! What the hell are we gonna 
                         do for six hours?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Well, I've got an idea. We could sing.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Or, we could not.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let's sing that one Grandma song, Ma. 
                         How does it go?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Over the meadow and through the woods,
 
                         
               Liane and Cartman	To Grandmother's house we go.

               The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh

               Through white and drifted snow.

               4 HOURS LATER

               Liane and Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods,

               To Grandmother's house we go.

               The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh

                                     KYLE
                         Please stop.

               Liane and Cartman	Through white and drifted snow.

                                     KYLE
                          Please stop!

               Liane and Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods,

               To Grandmother's house we go.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aah!

                                     LIANE
                         Ooo, careful hon. These roads are bumpy.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I guess, damn! 

                                     LIANE
                         Here we go, kids. We're crossing the 
                         state line into Nebraska. 
 
                                     STAN
                         This is Nebraska?

                                     KYLE
                         What's all that stuff?

                                     LIANE
                         Wheat. The building block of your favorite 
                         foods, and, Nebraska's principal source 
                         of economic productivity. You see, when 
                         Nebraska first became-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We don't care, Mom.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, look!  See Mr. Hankey at the Mall 
                         of Nebraska… Wow! We have to go, dude!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Dude, I thought Mr. Hankey lived in 
                         the sewer. What's he doing in Nebraka?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          I don't know. Ever since he was in 
                         that movie, he got all famous.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, so now everybody wants to meet Mr. 
                         Hankey! He's a piece of crap.
 
                                     KYLE
                         It doesn't matter. He'll be most excited 
                         to meet me!
 
                                     LIANE
                         That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's 
                         Grandma is right near the mall.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         How much further is it to Grandma's 
                         house? I wanna see what kind of present 
                         she got me.
 
                                     LIANE
                         About another hour, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why does Grandma have to live so far 
                         away? Why don't we just stick her in 
                         a nursing home closer to us so  I don't 
                         have to drive six hours to get a god-damned 
                         present!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Now, Eric, let's try to get out of that 
                         grumpy mood before we get to Grandma's.
 
                         
               Over the meadow and through the woods,

               Liane and Cartman	To Grandmother's house we go.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, God. 

               Liane and Cartman	The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
 
               
               Through white and drifted snow.

               [Later… Cartman's Grandma's house. Cartman's singing is heard 
               approaching]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Over the meadow and through the woods…
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                          Here we are. 

                                     KYLE
                         Jesus Christ, finally!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Grandmagrandmagrandmagrandma! 

                                     MAN
                         Oh, it's little Eric!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hi, Grandpa!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Look at how big you've gotten!

                                     GRANDMA
                         Hi, Eric. Grandma got you a present.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet. What is it?

                                     GRANDMA
                         It's inside.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yyyes! Move it! 

                                     LIANE
                          Hello everyone. Happy Holidays!

                                     EVERYONE
                          Hello.

                                     LIANE
                         These are Eric's friends: Stan, Kyle, 
                         and Kenny. Boys, let me introduce you 
                         to the Cartman family. This is Uncle 
                         Stinky.
 
                                     UNCLE STINKY
                          Nice to have you heuh.

                                     LIANE
                         Aunt Lisa, Cousin Fred, Cousin Alexandra 
                         , Fat Bob, Jimmy , and Great-Grandma 
                         Florence 
 
                                     FLORENCE
                          Come here, Eric. Give you great-grandma 
                         some huggies. 
 
               Kyle	AAA!

                                     LIANE
                         No, no, Florence. That's not Eric.
 
                         
                                     FLORENCE
                          Oh, which one is he, then?

                                     STAN
                          He's the fat one.

                                     GRANDMA
                         He's not fat, he's big-boned.

                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. Ech.

                                     KYLE
                          That was totally gross. She smelled 
                         like vitamins amd pee.
 
                                     STAN
                         Sick, dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Al-righty then. Let's get to my presents, 
                         shall we?
 
                                     GRANDMA
                         Here you go, Eric. Hap-py Holidays! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Wait a minute. This isn't a present, 
                         it's a shirt! 
 
                                     GRANDMA
                         Yes. I thought that would look really 
                         good on you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Are you telling me that I drove nine 
                         hours thrugh butt-fucking nowhere to 
                         get a god-damned shirt?! Mom, Grandma's 
                         gone senile! It's time to stick her 
                         in a home!
 
               [The dining room. The thirteen are seated around it. The TV is 
               at the foot of the table, on its own chair]
 
                                     GRANDPA
                         Well, this is what the holidays are 
                         about. Family.
 
                                     STAN
                          Yeah, right!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Well, what does your family do for the 
                         holidays, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                         My family's dead! 

                                     LIANE
                          Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that, Stanley.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, your family died?

                                     STAN
                         They're dead to me. My mom doesn't even 
                         know I'm here.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't believe I got a stupid shirt! 
                          The holidays are bullcrap!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Here, Kyle. Will you hold Great-Grandma's 
                         catheter bag during dinner? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What is this??

                                     LIANE
                          Great-Grandma has a bladder problem. 
                         This helps her out.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Sick, dude!

                                     LIANE
                          Eric, did you say 'hi' to your little 
                         cousin Elvin?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hi, cousin Elvin.

                                     ELVIN
                          Sweet.

                                     GRANDPA
                          Well, it certainly is nice we could 
                         all gather heuh for the holidays. Even 
                         Uncle Howard has joined us live, via 
                         satellite, from the state penitentiary. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude! 

                                     GRANDMA
                         Yyou look good, Howard.

                                     HOWARD
                         No I don't.

                                     LIANE
                         Hi, Howard.

                                     STAN
                          Dude, is he here every year like this?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yyup!

                                     ELVIN
                          Sweet!

                                     KYLE
                          AAWW!

                                     HOWARD
                         Come on, let's eat already! They gave 
                         me extra bread and water!
 
                                     GRANDMA
                         Where's your manners, Howard? We haven't 
                         even said Grace yet? Mom, will you do 
                         the honors of saying Grace?
 
                                     FLORENCE
                         God-damn it, why the hell do I always 
                         have to say Grace? If one more person 
                         asks me to say Grace, I'll be like, 
                         "Eh! I'm not saying Grace! And if you 
                         ask me again, I'll kick you square , 
                         in the nuts!"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Amen. 

                                     ALL
                         Ah-men. 

                                     KYLE
                          Jesus, dude! 

                                     GRANDPA
                         No, Jimmy! This is my pot pie!  No, 
                         Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Bad Jimmy!

                                     GRANDMA
                         No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's pot pie! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I don't know how long I can stay 
                         here.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I know what you mean. 

               [Night time. The boys are asleep in the basement.]

                                     KYLE
                          AaaAAah! 

                                     STAN
                         What, dude? 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I was having this horrible nightmare 
                         that we were at this house, and it was 
                         fille with Cartmans!
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle, we are in a house filled with 
                         Cartmans.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh. AaaAAah! 

                                     STAN
                         What was that?

                                     KYLE
                         I heard it, too.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whatever it is, it's getting closer. 
                          OW! What the hell was that for!
 
                                     STAN
                         I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ow!

                                     KYLE
                          I wanted to make sure, too.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yuhwell, you're NOT DREAMING!  Ey! Cut 
                         the crap!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it's coming through the window! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uncle Howard!

                                     UNCLE HOWARD
                         Oh. Hey, Eric. I didn't think anybody'd 
                         be down here.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uncle Howard, what are you doing here?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We thought you were in jail.

                                     HOWARD
                         Yeah, well I'b I busted out. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, cool!

                                     HOWARD
                         Sshhhh! You can't let the rest of the 
                         family know I'm here.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay.

                                     HOWARD
                         If it's okay, we're just gonna hang 
                         out here for a couple of days with you 
                         kids.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket? 
                         Hahahaha.
 
                                     HOWARD
                          Come on up, it's okay.  Another inmate 
                         busted out with me. Don't worry, he's 
                         a good guy.
 
                                     INMATE
                          Oh, hi boys. I'm Charlie. Charlie Manson. 
                         
 
               [The next day. Manson looks out the window]

                                     MANSON
                         I can't wait to get out among the pigs 
                          and raise some hell.
 
                                     HOWARD
                         All right, Chuck, but we gotta lay low 
                         for a while.
 
                                     MANSON
                         When I stand up on the mountain and 
                         say, "Do it!", it gets done! And it 
                         it don't get done, then I'll move on 
                         it! And that's the last thing in the 
                         world you wamt me to do.
 
                                     HOWARD
                         All right, Chuck. Let's watch some TV 
                         or something. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Now back to, "It's A Wonderful Life"
 
                         
                                     GEORGE BAILEY
                         You-oo you just can't buy people, Mr. 
                         Potter, wuh. Why, you know what you 
                         are? You're a little bitch.  That's 
                         right, you're a bitch, and I bet you'd 
                         like to suck it, wouldn't you?
 
                                     STAN
                          Wake up, Cartman, we've got to get 
                         to the mall.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          What?

                                     KYLE
                         We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the 
                         mall, Cartman.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          All right, keeps your pants on.

                                     HOWARD
                         Hey, bring us down some food, all right?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay. 

               [The living room. Football is on]

                                     STINKY
                          Come on, Team!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Can somebody drive us to the mall?
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Touchdown!

                                     THE ADULTS
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello, Mr. Hankey is appearing at the 
                         mall. Can somebody please take us?
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And these Cornhuskers have the ball 
                         on the 50-yard line!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Uncle Stinky, can you drive us to the 
                         mall?
 
                                     STINKY
                         Not now, Eric.  Hold him! He has him! 
                         Where's the flag?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uncle Stinky, my stupid friends want 
                         to see Mr. Hankey! You have to take 
                         us!
 
                                     STINKY
                         I said "no," and I mean "no!" Respect 
                         my authorituh!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Damn his Goddamned authorituh!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         With only 16 seconds left, the Cornhu-
 
                         
               
               SPECIAL

               REPORT

                                     REPORTER
                         We interrupt this broadcast for a news 
                         bulletin.
 
                                     STINKY
                         What?!

                                     REPORTER
                          Mass murderer and extremely nasty person 
                         Charles Manson has escaped from prison! 
                         Manson was the man responsible for seven 
                         murders in the late '60's. Manson has 
                         never shown any signs of remorse for 
                         his crimes. If you see Manson, please 
                         kick his ass and smash his fucking face 
                         in for me, and then call the police. 
                         And now back to the game.
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And they've done it! They've scored 
                         16 unanswered points in 15 seconds! 
                         
 
                                     THE ADULTS
                         Oh, weak!

                                     GRANDMA
                          Eric, I need you to take care of your 
                         cousin Elvin for a while.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't wanna take care of Cousin Elvin!
 
                         
                                     GRANDMA
                         Won't yo do it for Grandma?

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right. Give me $10. 

                                     ELVIN
                          Kick ass!

               [the basement. Manson is still watching the TV]

                                     GEORGE BAILEY
                         Oh, Mary. Mary, you're real!

                                     HOWARD
                         Chuck, can you turn that thing down?
 
                         
                                     GEORGE BAILEY
                         Hello, movie house!  Hello, burger parlor!
 
                         
                                     MANSON
                         You know what the spirit of Christmas 
                         is? It's another lie, from the lyin' 
                         pigs that consider me the witness-!
 
                         
                                     HOWARD
                         Okay, Chuck! Thank you very much!

                                     CARTMAN
                          My family sucks ass!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, they do!

                                     STAN
                         All families suck ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here. We got you some sticky cinnamon 
                         buns. 
 
                                     HOWARD
                          Wow, sweet!

                                     MANSON
                         Heyyy!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, we have to get to the mall!!
 
                         
                                     ELVIN
                         You guys, seriously!

                                     HOWARD
                         What's the matter?

                                     CARTMAN
                         My stupid friends want to go to the 
                         mall to visit Mr. Hankey, but nobody 
                         would drive us.
 
                                     HOWARD
                         Oh, bummer.

                                     MANSON
                         I'll take you! 

                                     HOWARD
                         Uh, that's okay, Chuck. You just keep 
                         watching Christmas specials.
 
                                     MANSON
                         Hey, I didn't bust out of prison to 
                         be locked up in somebody's basement! 
                         I want some action!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Good for you, Charlie!

                                     MANSON
                          Come on! I'll hot-wire your Grandpa's 
                         car!
 
                                     STAN
                         Do you really think we should go with 
                         this guy?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan, don't be such a dumbass. You have 
                         to trust people. 
 
               [Outside. The boys, Manson, and Elvin head for the station wagon]
 
               
                                     MANSON
                         All right, boys, keep your heads down! 
                          We're goin' to the mall!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Hooray!

               [South Park, The Marsh house]

                                     SHARON
                         I just can't believe he would go without 
                         our permission!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Now, Sharon, don't overreact. Maybe 
                         Stan didn't go to Cartman's Grandmaother's. 
                         Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped 
                         or something.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Well, I hope for his sake you're right. 
                         
 
                                     LIANE
                         Hello?

                                     SHARON
                         Hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's 
                         mother. Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska 
                         with you?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, why yes he did. I thought you were 
                         dead, Sharon.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Wwhat?!

                                     LIANE
                         Stanley told me you had passed on. I'm 
                         glad to see that you're better.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Get the car, Randy! We're going to 
                         Nebraska!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Ooooo, Stan's in trouble!

               [Mall of Nebraska]

                                     KYLE
                          Do you see him?

                                     STAN
                         Not yet. I think we still have a ways 
                         to go.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can't wait to see him!  He's gonna 
                         be so glad we came!
 
                                     KID
                         I drove all the way from Montana to 
                         see Mr. Hankey.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey 
                         before he was even famous.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so pupular? 
                         Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. 
 
                         
                                     ELVIN
                         Mr. Hankey kicks ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         And another thing: it says that Mr. 
                         Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads 
                         Mall!
 
                                     KYLE
                         So?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and 
                         in another mall at the same time?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He 
                         can do whatever he wants. 
 
                                     MANSON
                          How would you like to come with me 
                         to a more secluded part of the mall?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Okay) 

                                     STAN
                         I really like that guy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, it looks like you finished your 
                         Fudgecicle, Elvin.  God damnit, be quiet, 
                         Elvin! Shut up, Elvin!  No, Elvin, bad 
                         Elvin! 
 
               [Sweet Box, your music box headquarters. Manson and Kenny are 
               looking around]
 
                                     MANSON
                          Folks need to understand that I am 
                         terror! I am fear! I am-! Oh, hey look, 
                         another holiday special.
 
                                     VOICE-OVER
                         And now, back to "The Grinchy Poo" 
 
                         
                                     NARRATOR
                         Grinchy Poo went up the chimney and 
                         stuffed the tree up
 
               But then he heard a coo, like the cry of a dove

               It was little Cindy Lou Poo, who was no more than two

               "Mr. Hankey, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?"
 
               
               
               And Old Grinchy Poo thought of a line, and he thought it up quick…
 
               
               [Lollyland. a mall worker dressed as a Hankey elf, covered in 
               Hankey kisses, approaches the boys]
 
                                     HANKEY ELF
                         All right, boys, you're up next. Welcome 
                         to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lollyland! 
 
                         
               Kyle	[elated] Hoh, boy. Here we go!

                                     MALL HANKEY
                         Howdy ho, boys.

                                     STAN
                          Mr. Hankey? 

                                     MALL HANKEY
                         Gosh, you boys smell like flowers.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You're not the real Mr. Hankey.

                                     MALL HANKEY
                         Sure I am! Howdy ho!

                                     STAN
                         You look a lot bigger than the last 
                         time we saw you.
 
                                     MALL HANKEY
                         Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you 
                         know. Howdy ho!
 
                                     HANKEY ELF
                         You boys want your picture with Mr. 
                         Hankey?
 
                                     KYLE
                         This is not Mr. Hankey!  This is a fake! 
                         
 
                                     MALL HANKEY
                         It's okay, kids. I'm real. Hoowwdy ho!
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                          Hoowwdy ho!

                                     KYLE
                         Why are you people doing this? Why would 
                         you lie like this? To children?
 
                                     MALL HANKEY
                          Look, kid. There's Mr. Hankeys like 
                         me in every shopping mall. There is 
                         no real Mr. Hankey.
 
                                     KYLE
                          What?! What did you say?!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, boy. You've done it now.

                                     MALL HANKEY
                         Huh??

                                     KYLE
                          Behold! Here's your false prophet!
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                          Boo! 

                                     MALL HANKEY
                         Oh!

                                     KIDS
                         Die!

                                     MALL HANKEY
                         Ow!

                                     KID 1
                         Get out! 

                                     KIDS
                          You son of a bitch! Rip it down! Get 
                         out!
 
                                     GIRL
                         You lied to me, Mother. You said it 
                         was the real Mr. Hankey.
 
                                     MOTHER
                         Uhwwell, yes, but-

                                     GIRL
                         I will not forget this, Mother. I will 
                         not forget this, ever. 
 
                                     KID
                         This is revolution! 

                                     MALL HANKEY
                          Wah-hahow!

                                     SECURITY GUARD 1
                         Uh oh, they're rioting again. 

               [Back at the Sweet Box…]

                                     NARRATOR
                         And all the poos down in Pooville joined 
                         hands and they sang
 
               They sang all the same

               And he himself, the Grinchy Poo, carved the roast poo.

                                     MANSON
                          Wow, man. That's beautiful. He was 
                         evil, but now he's good. 
 
               [At what was Lollyland. A battering ram comes through a wall 
               and eveyone scatters. Police in riot gear pour in behind it]
 
               
                                     OFFICER 1
                         What's happening?

                                     OFFICER 2
                         Some kid must have said it wasn't the 
                         real Mr. Hankey again. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I told you guys. The holiday season 
                         is nothing but lies and bullcrap!
 
                         
                                     MANSON
                          Well, how was it?

                                     KYLE
                         It was a fake!

                                     MANSON
                         Oh, I'm sorry.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman was right! The holiday season 
                         is for idiots!
 
                                     STAN
                         Where did you go, Uncle Charlie?

                                     MANSON
                         Uh, I went to a beauty parlor and had 
                         my tatto redone.  Look!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, uh that's pretty cool.

                                     STAN
                         Hey. Where's Kenny?

                                     MANSON
                         Oh. He's… around.

                                     KENNY
                          (Hey, you guys. I'm right here.)

                                     STAN
                         Oh, hey Kenny.

                                     MANSON
                         Come on, I'll buy you kids an orange 
                         Smoothie.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Ooooo!

                                     OFFICER
                         Hey, there he is! That's Charlie Manson! 
                         
 
                                     MANSON
                         Run for your lives, boys! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ugh! Wait! You guys. Seriously. 

                                     OFFICER
                         Come back here, God damnit!  He's getting 
                         away! 
 
                                     MANSON
                         Keep your heads down, kids! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! What the hell is wrong with you 
                         people?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can't believe they would put a fake 
                         Mr. Hankey in a mall! If Mr. Hankey 
                         ever found out, he'd be so pissed!
 
                         
               [Grandma's house. A news bulletin is heard]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         We interrupt this program for a breaking 
                         news story.
 
                                     REPORTER
                         A high speed car chase is happening 
                         right now on interstate 3. We go now 
                         to our live sky-fi helicopter.
 
                                     SKY-FI REPORTER
                         Ron, it looks as though the chase is 
                         proceeding west down the interstate.
 
                         
                                     GRANDMA
                         Oh, that looks a lot like your car, 
                         Harold.
 
                                     SKY-FI REPORTER
                         We undertand that Charles Manson is 
                         inside the car with several hostages, 
                         all of whom are children  My God, what 
                         is this world coming to? Well, we'd 
                         like to take a moment to tell you that 
                         this car chase is being brought to you 
                         by Snacky S'mores , creamy bonbon s'mores 
                         in a delightful cookie crunch.
 
               [The highway. More shots taken at the wagon]

                                     MANSON
                         They're gaining on us! 

                                     OFFICER
                         Fudgecicle! 

                                     ELVIN
                         Kickass! 

                                     KYLE
                         God, I hate the holiday season! 

               [Masnon pulls into Grandma's driveway. Grandma stands outside]
 
               
                                     GRANDMA
                          Oh, hello kids. Having fun-?

                                     MANSON
                         Get in the house!

                                     GRANDMA
                         Alrighty, then. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Lock the door! 

                                     BIG BLONDE
                         Oh my God, it's Charlie Manson! Whoa!
 
                         
                                     HAROLD
                         What's going on?

                                     STAN
                         There's a bunch of policemen chasing 
                         after us!
 
                                     STINKY
                         Quiet down, we're watching television. 
                         
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, Phillip, what a precious gift! 
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         That's right, Terrance. This is the 
                         season for sharing. 
 
                                     HOWARD
                          The cops are here!

                                     GRANDMA
                         Howard!

                                     HAROLD
                         How did you get out, son?

               [Outside. The officers have hunkered down.]

                                     POLICE CHIEF
                          All right, Manson, we know you're in 
                         there! Come out peacefully, and we'll 
                         shoot you!
 
                                     OFFICER
                          Tell him we won't shoot him, Boss.
 
                         
                                     POLICE CHIEF
                          Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.  Come 
                         out peacefully, and we won't shoot you! 
                         
 
                                     GRANDMA
                         Oh, look. Police Chief Stevens got a 
                         new haircut.
 
                                     HOWARD
                          Get down, Ma!

                                     MANSON
                         Hey, man, don't point a gun at your 
                         own mother!
 
                                     HOWARD
                         What the hell is wrong with you, Manson? 
                         You're acting all funny! Everybody just 
                         sit down and shut up! We're not going 
                         back to the big house!
 
                                     HAROLD
                         Well, Howard, you've done it again! 
                         You've ruined Christmas!
 
               [Outside Grandma's house. The press shows up]

                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         This is Robert Pooner reporting live 
                         from Nebraska, where escaped convict 
                         Charlie Manson has walled himself up 
                         in a house.  We understand that there 
                         are hostages, and that the situation 
                         is critical, , so we would like to remind 
                         you all that this live hostage crisis 
                         is being brought to you by Palmoral 
                         Sun Block . Remember, if it isn't Palmoral, 
                         you're gonna get cancer.
 
               [Off camera, the Marshes drive up and get out. Sharon approaches 
               the police]
 
                                     SHARON
                         What's going on here?!

                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                         We've got a critical situation, ma'am. 
                         Charlie Manson is holding everybody 
                         inside hostage.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Is this the Cartman residence?

                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                         Yes, ma'am.

                                     SHARON
                         Give me that!  Stnaley! This is your 
                         mother!
 
               [Inside]

                                     STAN
                         Oh ooh.

                                     KYLE
                         What's your mom doing here, dude?

                                     SHARON
                          Young man, I have had it! You have 
                         disobeyed me for the last time! 
 
                                     HOWARD
                         Wow, she's really pissed.

                                     MANSON
                          I'm glad I'm not you right now, kid.
 
                         
               [Outside]

                                     SHARON
                         What do you have to say for yourself, 
                         Stanley?!
 
                                     STAN
                          …Sorry.

                                     ROBERT POONER
                         Still more developments in the Manson 
                         hostage crisis. Uh, it appears now that 
                         eight-year-old Stan Marsh  is in BIG, 
                         big trouble. He apparently disobeyed 
                         his parents, left home without telling 
                         them, and uh, Tom, his- his mother is 
                         very disappointed with him.
 
                                     HOWARD
                         Damn it! What are we gonna do?

                                     FLORENCE
                         Sshhhh! We're watching television.
 
                         
               [Terrance and Phillip are teasing a reindeer with a red nose 
               - Rudolph. Terrance runs up and farts on its face, and the deer 
               flinches. Terrance runs back as both men laugh.]
 
                                     PHILLIP
                          Waitwaitwaitwait. 

                                     TERRANCE
                          Check out this one. 

                                     PHILLIP
                          Hold on, hold on. Over here, over here. 
                         
 
                                     TERRANCE
                          Okay, here I come, okay. 

                                     PHILLIP
                          Okay, waitwait waitwait. 

               [The living room]

                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                          Come out with your hands up!

                                     HOWARD
                         Damnit, Dad, why didn't you put a back 
                         door on this house?!
 
                                     HAROLD
                         Well, there's that old window in the 
                         bathroom; you could probably squeeze 
                         through theor.
 
                                     HOWARD
                         That's it! We're going out the bathroom 
                         window! Come on, Manson!
 
                                     MANSON
                         But I gotta see what happens.

                                     HOWARD
                         Come on, damn it!  Well, it's good seeing 
                         you all. Don't move until we're gone 
                         or I'll shoot you dead. Happy holidays.
 
                         
                                     THE ADULTS
                         Happy holidays. 

                                     STAN
                          Dude, they're gonna kill me.

                                     POLICE CHIEF STEVENS
                          All right, Manson, this is it! We're 
                         coming in after you! There's gonna be 
                         a lo-o-ot of bloodshed, and a lot of 
                         innocent people are gonna die! You've 
                         got until 100-Marshmallow to come out!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER
                         1-Marshmallow, 2-Marshmallow,…

               [The bathroom. Howard works on the window]

                                     HOWARD
                          All right, it's open! Let's go!

                                     STAN
                          'Scuse me. I wanna go with you.

                                     MANSON
                         Huh?!

                                     STAN
                         Please, I don't wanna go back with them.
 
                         
                                     MANSON
                         But Stan, your mother and father are 
                         out there!
 
                                     STAN
                         I know! They've come to punish me. All 
                         they wanna do is make me pay for comin' 
                         to Nebraska in the first place.
 
                                     HOWARD
                         All right, kid, you can come. Now, let's 
                         go. 
 
                                     MANSON
                         Stan, I wanna talk to you about family. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         What?!

                                     HOWARD
                          What?!

                                     MANSON
                         You see, I had a family once. At least, 
                         I called them my family. Really, they 
                         were nothin' but a gang of people I 
                         thought were my friends. Ah after we 
                         killed a bunch of people together, I 
                         realized that my real family was who 
                         took care of me, and who took the time 
                         to care about what I did.
 
                                     STAN
                         But they don't care about me, they just 
                         want to punish me.
 
                                     MANSON
                         If they don't care about you, would 
                         they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          I guess you're right, Uncle Charlie. 
                         Thanks. 
 
                                     HOWARD
                         Now can we go??

                                     MANSON
                         No, Howard. You go ahead. I've got something 
                         to say. 
 
                                     HOWARD
                         Oh, weak!

               [The living room. Manson walks in]

                                     MANSON
                         Folks, I apologize for this whole mess. 
                         I'm going to surrender. Somebody show 
                         the police a white flag.
 
               [Outside. The countdown continues]

                                     OFFICER
                          90-Marshmallow, 91-Marshmallow  This 
                         is making me hungry for marshmallows 
                          92-Marshmallow 
 
                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                         Look out, he's got a white flag! 

                                     MANSON
                          Oh my God, they killed the little orange-coat 
                         kid!
 
                                     KYLE
                          You bastards! 

                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                          They're surrendering!

                                     COPS
                          Okay, grab a hold of him. You're under 
                         arrest, buddy. 
 
                                     BLOND COP
                         All right you, spread 'em! 

                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                          You're going back to prison to rot, 
                         Manson!
 
                                     MANSON
                         Good! I deserve to!

                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                         What??

                                     MANSON
                          I can never make it up to the families 
                         that I destroyed, but at least I'll 
                         make an example for anyone else thinking 
                         that crime  is an answer.
 
                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                         Stop that. 

                                     MANSON
                         You see, I get it now! I finally understand 
                         what the holidays are all about. Boys, 
                         don't you see? You can't let things 
                         get you down during the holidays, because 
                         being happy is what the holidays are 
                         all about!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Charlie's right! I'm not gonna let some 
                         fake Mr. Hankey spoil my holidays.
 
                         
                                     MANSON
                         I've been such a bastard all these years, 
                         and I finally understand. And it it 
                         it feals great! I'f I feel like, I feel 
                         like I'm in my own Christmas special. 
                         You see,
 
               
               Holidays are that special time

               When we laugh and sing and feel warm and cozy

               Forget about being angry for a day

               
               [picks Elvin up]

               
               Remember how it felt to be a child

               Opening presents on Christmas mornin'

               That's the way that we should all feel now

               
               So I say Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happy

               Holidays

                                     EVERYONE ELSE
                         Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy 
                         happy
 
               Holidays

                                     MANSON
                         Happy Kwanzaa, too.

               From me, to you.

               
               Happy Holidays, you guys.

                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                         Happy Holidays, Bob.

                                     OFFICER BOB
                         Happy Holidays, Chief.

                                     CHIEF STEVENS
                         Come on, Manson. You belong in jail 
                         
 
                                     MANSON
                         You're darn right I do.

                                     HOWARD
                          Well, I guess I'll be going, Mom and 
                         Dad. I hope you can forgive me.
 
                                     GRANDMA
                         Oh, of course we forgive you, son. It 
                         was nice of you to pop in for the holidays.
 
                         
                                     GRANDPA
                         Yes. Now, watch that ass in prison, 
                         son.
 
                                     HOWARD
                         I always do. See ya, Eric. Thanks for 
                         all your help.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         See ya, Uncle Howard.  Thanks for being 
                         such a great role model for me.  Piece 
                         of crap!
 
                                     STAN
                         I hope you can forgive me, too, Mom.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, Stanley. Let's just forget the whole 
                         thing and have a nice holiday back home.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Really??

                                     RANDY
                         Sure. We'll punish you after the holidays.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hooray! Uh, I mean, wait. What?

                                     ROBERT POONER
                          And so, Manson is hauled off to jail 
                         to rot in his cell. Everything is back 
                         to normal, and I guess the only thing 
                         left to say is, God bless us, every 
                         one.
 
               [Nebraska State Penitentiary]

                                     MANSON
                          And I guess that's what I've learned. 
                         I'm sorry for what I did, but that doesn't 
                         make up for it. I deserve to be in jail. 
                         All I hope is that I don't make mankind 
                         lose faith in itself. Yes, there's murderers 
                         in the world. There's rapists and thieves. 
                         But those are the vast minority. The 
                         majority of mankind is made up of caring 
                         people, who try every day to do what 
                         they think is right. And that's the 
                         spirit of the season. What do you think, 
                         guys?
 
                                     INMATE
                         It sucks, just like all your other books. 
                         
 
                                     MANSON
                         Well, Guh Good night, you guys. Happy 
                         Holidays.
 
                                     INMATE
                         Shut up! 

                                     MANSON
                         What was that  What the?! 

                                     THE CARTMANS AND THE BOYS
                         Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson! 

               
               "Hark," the herald angels sing,

               "Glory to the newborn King.

               Peace on earth, and mercy mild.

               God and sinners reconciled."

               [Manson jons them] Joyful all ye nations rise

               Join the triumph of the skies

               "Hark," the herald angels sing,

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this is pretty fucked up right 
                         here.
 
               [End of Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson!]
 


Merry christmas, Charlie Manson!



Writers :   Trey Parker  Nancy Pimental
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy