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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 901


                           "MR GARRISON'S FANCY NEW VAGINA"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Trinidad Medical Center, day. A very modern, futuristic-looking 
               building is seen behind the sign. Inside, a doctor approaches 
               a patient]
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Hello, Mr. Garrison, I'm Dr. Biber. 
                         I'll be performing your surgery today.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          God bless you, Doctor. I know you'll 
                         make me well again.
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         Now, you're absolutely sure you want 
                         a vaginoplasty?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         My whole life I've been a woman trapped 
                         in a man's body. A sex-change operation 
                         is my last chance at happiness.
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         All right, then let's begin.  Just relax, 
                         Mr. Garrison. I think if more people 
                         could just see a sex-change operation, 
                         they would know how perfectly natural 
                         it is. The first thing I'm going to 
                         do is slice your balls. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ough, ergh. Eww. 

                                     DR. BIBER
                         With the scrotum open, I can now discard 
                         of your testicles.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         So long, balls. 

                                     DR. BIBER
                         Now, I'll just continue the incision 
                         up the shaft of the penis. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, that stings.

                                     DR. BIBER
                         Now I'll just... turn your... penis 
                         inside out.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         OH! Oh jeez.

                                     DR. BIBER
                         All we need to do now is ...stuff the 
                         ...unskinned penis inside your... pelvis... 
                         And now I'll use the skin from your 
                         penis to make vaginal lips.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Do I look like a woman?

                                     DR. BIBER
                          Pretty much.

               [Denver Convention Center, day. All-State Basketball Tryouts 
               are being held there. TODAY! Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny show 
               up courtside through entrance 51A. Kyle, #4, is in South Park 
               Elementary's basketball uniform.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, don't be nervous.

                                     KYLE
                         How can I not be nervous? Trying out 
                         for the All-State team has been my dream 
                         for years.
 
                                     STAN
                         You're the best player at our school, 
                         dude. You'll make the team for sure.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         This is ridiculous. Jews can't play 
                         basketball.
 
                                     KYLE
                          I beat out YOUR fat ass, Cartman! 
 
                         
                                     LEAD REFEREE
                         All students trying out for the All-State 
                         team to center court! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Good luck. 

                                     COACH
                         All right boys, now you're all here 
                         because you're the best of the best. 
                          I know that you've all worked really 
                         hard to make it this far, so let's get 
                         out there and  SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT! 
                          Uh, uh excuse me, Brof-Broflovski, 
                         is it?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah?

                                     COACH
                         Can we talk to you for a minute?  You 
                         uh... You're the best player in your 
                         school, are ya?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yep! I love basketball. I wanna play 
                         for the Denver Nuggets one day.
 
                                     COACH
                         Yeah. Uh, look, kid, you've got great 
                         skills and a great attitude. But you're 
                         just not physically ...built for the 
                         game.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oo whataya mean?

                                     COACH
                         Well, it's just that... Jew's can't 
                         play basketball.  Awwright, kids, we've 
                         gotta work on that shooting! Come on!
 
                         
               [Kyle heads out through 56A but puts his head against a wall, 
               deeply saddeed. Kenny, Stan and Cartman enter 56A from the concession 
               stands and head towards Kyle]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, you were awesome, Kyle.  Look, 
                         y-you gave it your best shot, right? 
                         That's all you could do. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! You-hoo-hoo-hoo 
                         loh-ost! Hahahahahaaahaaa!  Kyle, I'm 
                         totally ripping on you at a totally 
                         inappropriate time.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I know. I deserve it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, you know why? Because Jews can't 
                         play basketball!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're right.  Jesus, that was fun...
 
                         
               [Henry's Supermarket, day. A normal shopping day until...]

                                     MAN
                          Hey everybody, you're not gonna believe 
                         it!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Believe what?

                                     MAN
                         It's Mr. Garrison! Only it ISN'T Mr. 
                         Garrison! He- He's a woman now! 
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Hello everybody!  Can you believe it 
                         ladies? I'm one of YOU now!  Wow, just 
                         look at all these tampons! Regular, 
                         heave flow- Oh boy, I can't wait till 
                         I get my first period! 
 
               [The ladies' restroom, moments later. Mrs. Garrison enters humming 
               and takes an empty spot along the sinks.]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Hi gals!  Oh boy, can you believe the 
                         sales they're havin' out there? Well, 
                         I'm about to pee out my vagina for the 
                         first time.  Give us a hug. Girls' Club! 
                          Oh wow! This is great! Look at that, 
                         I'm peeing sittin' down like a dainty 
                         dignified little woman!  Sany, any of 
                         you ladies wanna go see a sad movie 
                         together?  You guys try those new wings 
                         tampons? Do those work well?
 
               [South Park, day. A Souith Park Charter Transit bus stops and 
               lets Stan and his friends off. Kyle walks ahead of them in gloomy 
               silence]
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle, you have to cheer up, dude. So 
                         you aren't built right for basketball.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         But I feel like a basketball player. 
                         That's all I wanna do. 
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Hello, boys! It's me, your teacher! 
                         Mrs. Garrison! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.
 
                         
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                          I had a sex-chamge operation. My penis 
                         is now a vagina and I'm experiencing 
                         womanhood for the first time in my life! 
                         See ya in class! 
 
               [Kyle's house, dinnertime. The family is at table eating]

                                     KYLE
                         Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          What? Th'um, nuh-nothing. I- I'll explain 
                         it to you when you're a little older.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just 
                         had his penis made into a vagina. How 
                         come?
 
                                     IKE
                         Penis!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Your teacher had a sex change?? Oh my 
                         God! 
 
                                     IKE
                         Vagina!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         That does it! I'm taking you boys OUT 
                         OF THAT SCHOOL! 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Gerald, that is very closed-minded of 
                         you! You shouldn't judge people who 
                         want to change.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         He's a teacher! How are we supposed 
                         to explain this to our children?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          It's very simple.  You see, Kyle, sometimes 
                         a person' outside doesn't reflect who 
                         they are on the inside.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. That's right.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         They feel like they're somebody trapped 
                         in another person's body. And so, they 
                         can have a surgery  that makes them 
                         more into the person they see themselves 
                         as. Do you understand?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Totally! I totally understand!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         There. You see, Gerald? He totally understands.
 
                         
               [Trinidad Medical Center, day. Dr. Biber sits behind his desk]
 
               
                                     DR. BIBER
                         So, I hear you're interested in reconstructive 
                         surgery.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. My school teacher wanted to be 
                         a woman, and you made him into one.
 
                         
                                     DR. BIBER
                         Oh yes, Mr. Garrison. Uh yes, he had 
                         a vaginoplasty. Mhm.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, do you also do other surgeries 
                         like that?
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         Sure. You see sometimes a woman wants 
                         to be a man. That procedure is called 
                         a peniplasty.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No, no, uh I wanna be tall and black.
 
                         
                                     DR. BIBER
                         ...You what?

                                     KYLE
                         I hate being small and Jewish. I feel 
                         like a tall black man.
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                          Ohhhhh! You want a negroplasty!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! 

                                     STAN
                         Wha-a-a negroplasty??

                                     DR. BIBER
                         It's a fairly common procedure, really, 
                         just the reverse of a caucasioplasty 
                         just like Michael Jackson had. Let's 
                         take a look here.  What we do is slice 
                         your face and peel it back so we can 
                         insert now pig-ment producing cells 
                         inside.  We break the arm bones in several 
                         places and put braces to make them longer. 
                          Now, the knees we need to snap off 
                         and fill with small round objects that 
                         can cause better movement.  And we finish 
                         it off with a nice peniplasty to enhance 
                         the genitalia.  Negroplasty takes about 
                         seven hours and costs roughly three 
                         thousand dollars.
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh excuse me, is this really a good 
                         idea?
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         Well, it's a good idea if you wanna 
                         be tall and black. Otherwise, I wouldn't 
                         recommend it.
 
               [Mrs. Garrison's house, night. Mrs. Garrison enters the kitchen 
               carrying groceries. Mr. Slave is at the breakfast table moping]
 
               
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Hello, Mr. Slave.  Boy have I been busy. 
                         A woman's work is never done.  I got 
                         some tampons. I should be getting my 
                         period really soon. I hope I don't get 
                         too emotional and drive you crazy with 
                         my PMS.  Mr. Slave, I got somethin' 
                         for us, too.  Would you like to take 
                         this beautiful woman to bed?
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         No thanks.

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                          Nu- no thanks? Come on, Mr. Slave, 
                         I wanna try out my new snootch.
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         I can't believe you just went ahead 
                         and had that surgery without even asking 
                         me what I thought.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Well, I ASSUMED you supported me. It's 
                         still me; I just have a vagina instead 
                         of a penis.
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas!
 
                         
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Don't you even care that I was suffering? 
                         I wasn't happy the way I was!
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         It's great that you feel better, but 
                         you never stopped to think about how 
                         other people around you would feel!
 
                         
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Look, we can still be together. All 
                         you have to do is stop being gay!
 
                         
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         How can you say that?! You're gay too!
 
                         
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         I'm not gay! I'm a woman!

                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Oh, Jezuth Christh! 

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Oh, so is that it?!  You're just gonna 
                         walk out?! You men are all alike! Go 
                         ahead and find somebody who doesn't 
                         have a vagina, you fag! 
 
               [Kyle's house, morning. Kyle runs into the living room with a 
               paper in hand and faces his parents, who are sitting on the sofa. 
               They're both reading the newspaper.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor 
                         who gave Mr. Garrison his sex change 
                         said he can make me tall and black. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         What??

                                     KYLE
                         Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty 
                         so I can finally look the way I've always 
                         wanted. He even took my picture and 
                         then did computer imaging to show what 
                         I would look like after the surgery. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, just great! You see, Sheila?! This 
                         is what your transgender progressive 
                         thinking gets you! Now your son wants 
                         to be transracial!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Can I have three thousand dollars, 
                         Mom and Dad, huh?? Can I??
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Absolutely not, Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                          But why not? You said sometimes people 
                         need surgery to make them feel better 
                         about themselves.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yes, but Kyle-

                                     KYLE
                         Well, all my life I felt I was black! 
                         I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN 
                         and I love playing basketball! My body 
                         doesn't reflect who I am inside.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, you have to accept your body the 
                         way it is.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why? Why do I have to accept it when 
                         I can change it?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         The answer is NO, Kyle! You're NOT going 
                         to have negroplasty!
 
                                     KYLE
                         But Jews can't play basketball! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic 
                         right now, mister!!
 
                                     KYLE
                          I'm never speaking to either of you 
                         ever again! 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Oh, that does it!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Where are you going?!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          That Dr. Biber is about to get his 
                         ass bitten off! 
 
               [Trinidad Medical Center, day. Gerald approaches it with a file 
               in hand. He enters Dr. Biber's office and clsoes the door. The 
               doctor is setting behind his desk]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Who the hell do you think you are?!
 
                         
                                     DR. BIBER
                         Dr. Biber.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically 
                         alter my son into a tall African-American?!
 
                         
                                     DR. BIBER
                          Oh, you're Kyle's father.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Huh that's right! And I also happen 
                         to be a lawyer! And I'm gonna have you 
                         sued for malpractice, and your clinic 
                         shut down!!
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         What is that on your shirt?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What th- Look, they're- They're dolphins! 
                         Why?
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         Ahhh you like dolphins, hm? 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         A b--uh I love dolphins, Ever since 
                         I was a child I dreamt of... Huh b-b-b- 
                         But that has hardly any bearing on what 
                         I'm hear to-
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         I can make you one.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         ...What?

                                     DR. BIBER
                         Invert the back, move the esophagus 
                         to the top of the head. Yes, a full 
                         dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively 
                         simply...
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Make me a... dolphin? 

                                     SINGER
                         If I could swim with the dolphins, the 
                         soft and gentle dolphins...
 
               Why can't I swim with the dolphins?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         ...No.  No, no, it's crazy.

                                     DR. BIBER
                         There's nothing crazy about a person 
                         wanting to look on the outside the way 
                         they feel on ths inside.
 
               [Girls Gone Wild commercial. In the background is a crowd of 
               men, in the foreground, willing women]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         It's Girls Gone Wild!  These gilrs will 
                         do anything! 
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Oh jeez, should I do it?! Should I do 
                         it?! Oh what the hell!  Wooo! Huhuh, 
                         wooo!
 
                                     MEN
                         Awww!

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Look, I'll giggle and make them bounce 
                         up and down!  Heeheeheeheehee, heeheeheeheeheeheehee.
 
                         
               [later, at a bar after the video shoot...]

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                          Oh boy, men will do just about anything 
                         to get a look at our tits, won't they? 
                         Men are all the same. My boyfriend walked 
                         out on me! Turns out he was a fag. But 
                         I've been livin' it up ever since, havin' 
                         sex with all kinds of different guys! 
                         Girl power!  You know, the strange thing 
                         is, I haven't gotten my period yet. 
                         Is there a reason a woman might miss 
                         her period?
 
                                     REDHEAD
                         Well, normally, if a woman misses her 
                         period, it means she's pregnant.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         ...Pregnant?  Oh my God. Of course. 
                          I haven't gotten to experience a period 
                         because... one of those truckers I slept 
                         with got me knocked up.  I'm pregnant, 
                         everybody! Hoh boy, now I can have an 
                         abortion! 
 
               [Kyle's house, night. Gerald returns home with a walker and a 
               highly altered appearance. He now makes dolphin sounds and has 
               a blowhole and dorsal fin on his back, and his legs have been 
               joined together to make a flipper. His hands havve been altered 
               to look like ventral fins. He walks in the front door. His eyes 
               are black from the alterations and his nose has been elongated.]
 
               
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Gerald! What happened to you?!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila. 
                         Iiii'm the happiest I've ever been. 
                          Look, Ike! You're daddy's a dolphin! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         A dolphin?!?!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Sheila, ih-it was wrong of us to be 
                         so judgmental of Kyle. If he isn't happy 
                         with who he is, then who are we to deny 
                         hm surgery that will make him feel better 
                         about himself? 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Gerald, this is crazy!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I used to think I was crazy. But Dr, 
                         Biber told me that there are a lot of 
                         other people out there who are transpecies. 
                         All I did is change my appearance to 
                         look the way I felt...  here. And I'm 
                         telling you now that if we don't let 
                         Kyle do the same, he may never be happy. 
                         Ever! We owe him more than that, Sheila. 
                         We owe him understanding! 
 
               [The school bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman work on building 
               a snowman. Butters runs up...]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Fellas! Hey fellas, you gotta come see!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhh, it's Kyle! Huh, he's a Negro! 
 
                         
               [Kyle's house, later. Kyle, now tall and black, stands in the 
               front lawn. Around him are Kevin, Clyde, Jason, Tweek, and Craig]
 
               
                                     JASON
                         Wow.

                                     CRAIG
                         Can't believe it.

                                     CLYDE
                         Did it hurt?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but it was totally worth it. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Jesus Christ, dude!

                                     KYLE
                         Look, Stan, I'm finally whole! My dad 
                         is even gonna take me back down to the 
                         all-star game to see if I can try out 
                         for the team again!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Come on, Kyle, we should get going!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         All right, Dad! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, is Kyle's- dad a- dolphin?

                                     CARTMAN
                         He's a Jewish dolphin. A Jewphin.

               [Planned Parenthood, day. In the reception area Mrs. Garrison 
               reads magazines, but sees a woman seated near her.]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         You here for an abortion too?  Yeah, 
                         I discovered a few days ago I wasn't 
                         bleedin' out my coo, so I guess I'm 
                         knocked up. Is this doctor any good?
 
                         
                                     NURSE
                         Mrs... Garrison?

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Oh, that's me. 

               [Planned Parenthood OR.]

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Hello doctor, looks like I need an abortion. 
                         
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         ...an abortion?

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Yeah, I've got one growing inside me. 
                         Now, are you gonna scramble its brains 
                         or just vacuum it out?  ...If you want 
                         you can just scramble it and I'll queef 
                         it out myself.
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Mmister Garrison-

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                          Mrs. Garrison.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Mmrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion.
 
                         
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Don't you tell me what I can and can't 
                         do with my body!  A woman has a right 
                         to choose!
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         No, I mean you're physically unable 
                         to have an abortion, because you can't 
                         get pergnant.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         But I missed my period.

                                     DOCTOR
                         You can't have periods either.  You 
                         had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but 
                         you don't have ovaries or a womb. You 
                         don't produce eggs.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                          You mean, I'll never know what it feels 
                         like to have a baby growing inside me 
                         and then scramble its brains and vacuum 
                         it out?
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         N-that's right.

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         But I paid five thousand dollars to 
                         be a woman. This would mean I I'm not 
                         really a woman. Ih, I'm just a... a 
                         I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!
 
                         
                                     DOCTOR
                         Basically, yes.

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         ...Oh boy, do I feel like a jackass.
 
                         
               [Trinidad Medical Center, day. Mrs. Garrison enters the OR as 
               Dr. Biber operates on a woman]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Hey asshole!

                                     DR. BIBER
                         Excuse me, I'm performing an operation 
                         here!
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         You told me you were going to make me 
                         into a woman!
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         I gave you a sex change.

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Yeah?! Well what kind of woman can't 
                         have abortions and bleed out her snatch 
                         once a month?! You made me into a FREAK 
                         is what you did! And I want you to change 
                         me back!
 
                                     PATIENT
                         Am I a man yet?

                                     DR. BIBER
                         Mr. Garrison, I can't reattach your 
                         organs.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Why the hell not?!

                                     DR. BIBER
                         Because I've already used your testicles 
                         to fashion new knees for a little boy 
                         who wanted to be tall and black.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         You WHAT?!

                                     DR. BIBER
                         And your scrotum has been made into 
                         a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to 
                         look more like a dolphin.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Oh you! You're comin' with me right 
                         now to find my ball and scrotum right 
                         now, Mr. Man! 
 
               [Denver Convention Center, night. "All-State Playoffs. Colorado 
               vs. Wyoming" People crowd into the center. Inside, the two teams 
               are practicing their shots on the court]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Welcome to the All-State Basketball 
                         Playoffs between the best fourth-grade 
                         players from Colorado and the best fourth-grade 
                         players from Wyoming. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Coach! Coach, I'm all better. I'm ready 
                         to play.
 
                                     COACH
                         Who are you?

                                     KYLE
                         Ih it's me, Kyle Broflovski. I had a 
                         negroplasty. Can I play in the All-State 
                         team now?
 
                                     COACH
                         Well, you're tall and black enough. 
                         All right, Broflovski, suit up!
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right!  Dad, I can play! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         All right Kyle!  Excuse me, where do 
                         you have special seating for dolphins?
 
                         
               [The school bus stop, day. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are almost 
               finished with their snow man. A car pulls up. Mrs. Garrison and 
               Dr. Biber jump out of the car.]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Boys, have you seen Kyle?! He's not 
                         at home.
 
                                     STAN
                          Kyle went down to play in the basketball 
                         game, Mrs. Garrison.
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         He's going to play basketball? Oh my 
                         God.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         What?

                                     DR. BIBER
                         Well, ah I only made him look like he 
                         could play basketball. If he actually 
                         does it, the testicle in his knees will 
                         explode! 
 
                                     STAN
                         What?! But you made him into a basketball 
                         player.
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         No, I just made him look more like one. 
                         We have to stop him from playing! Those 
                         testicles in his knees are ticking time 
                         balls!
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Oh Jesus! We've gotta get to my balls 
                         before Kyle hurts himself! 
 
               [Denver Convention Center, night. The Star-Spangled Banner is 
               being sung]
 
                                     SINGER
                         ...and the home of the... brave! 

                                     COACH
                         Broflovski, be ready to take over for 
                         Owens.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm a hundred percent ready, coach! 
                         
 
               [Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms in the hall. An usher 
               stands nearby]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Eh excuse me, where, where is the bathroom 
                         for dolphins?
 
                                     USHER
                         We don't... have one.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well where the hell am I supposed to 
                         go to the bathroom? I I need a large 
                         tank with salt water.
 
                                     USHER
                         Ahhh- Too bad?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Damnit you people have to make special 
                         arrangements for transpecies people 
                         like me! I may be a dolphin, but I'm 
                         also a lawyer!
 
                                     USHER
                         You're a lawphin?

               [Denver Convention Center, outside, by the entrance. Mrs. Garrison, 
               Dr. Biber and the boys approach the doors]
 
                                     USHER
                         Tickets please.

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         We don't have tickets!

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                          Sorry ma'am, no tickets, no entry.
 
                         
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Look, there's a boy with my balls in 
                         his knees and he's in serious danger!
 
                         
                                     USHER
                         What?

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                          My scrotum!  That dolphin has my scrotum! 
                         Now let us in!
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         You can't go in, ma'am!  We have unauthorized 
                         entry on level one!
 
               [Denver Convention Center, courtside. The Colorado team drives 
               to the opposite basket. The coach addresses Kyle]
 
                                     COACH
                         All right. Broflovski, you're going 
                         in next possession.
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right!  Ow. Hm. 

               [Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms. Mrs. Garrison and 
               the others approach Gerald]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Gerald, where's Kyle?!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What? Why??

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         My balls are in his knees. If he jumps 
                         with them they'll explode!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh my God! 

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         There they are, next to that dolphin!
 
                         
                                     DR. BIBER
                         Come on, we've gotta get to those balls! 
                         
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                          Stop them! They didn't pay the two-dollar 
                         entry fee!
 
               [Denver Convention Center, courtside. Kyle has suited up and 
               now enters the game.]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Now substituting for Colorado, number 
                         8, Kyle Broflovski. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh Jesus, he's about to play! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle!

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         Which one is he?? 

                                     WYOMING COACH
                         Hey, what the hell?!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Stop the game! 

                                     KYLE
                         I got it! I got the ball. 

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, NO! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Broflovski goes for the dunk!

                                     MRS. GARRISON
                         NO!  My baaaallllssss. 

               [Denver Convention Center, outside. The police and paramedics 
               have arrived and Kyle is sitting up on the gurney]
 
                                     OFFICER
                         So let me get this straight. That woman 
                         over there was trying to get to her 
                         balls which were in the knees of a black 
                         child whose father is a dolphin.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, that's basically it.

                                     OFFICER
                         Sounds like an open and shut case. All 
                         right, let's head 'em out! 
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         I'm sorry, Kyle, I should have told 
                         you the surgery was cosmetic only.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         So, does this mean I'm not really a 
                         dolphin?
 
                                     DR. BIBER
                         Let's get you two up to the clinic and 
                         I'll change you back, for a nominal 
                         fee.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But what about Mr. Garrison? He can't 
                         go back.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON
                          You know what? I'm okay. Even though 
                         I'm not truly a woman, I think I still 
                         like the new me. I'd rather be a woman 
                         who can't have periods than a fag.  
                         Hey guys! This girl is staying a woman! 
                         Who wants to pound my vadge! Girl power!
 
                         
               THE END

Mr Garrison's Fancy New Vagina



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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