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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 315


                           "MR HANKEY'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [A WSPK Channel 2 news anchorman appears]

                                     ANCHOR
                         Fighting the frizzies at 11.

               [Intro. Mailman Timmy, tall and lanky with a very long cheek, 
               walks into view]
 
                                     MAILMAN TIMMY
                         We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny 
                         nose,
 
               And we all know Frosty, who's made out of snow.

               But all of those stories seem kind of... gay

               'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday. [twirls]

               Robert T. Pooner Presents

               Mr. Hankey Chrismas Classics

                                     MAILMAN TIMMY
                         Small and brown, he comes from you.
 
                         
               A Collection of 10 Holiday Songs

                                     MAILMAN TIMMY
                         Squeezin' 'tween your festive buns.
 
                         
               [A boy dances on his ass on the toilet]

               A present from down below, 

               [Timmy dances with some kids]

               Spreading joy with a

                                     MAILMAN TIMMY
                          He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause
 
                         
                                     MAILMAN TIMMY
                         Sometimes he's notty ,

               sometimes he's corny [she shows the next drawing].

               He can be brown or greenish brown [Timmy holds two sheets of 
               construction paper].
 
                                     KIDS
                         Mmm-hmm.

                                     MAILMAN TIMMY
                         But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,
 
                         
               He might come to your town.

               [a boy has made a Hankeyman and added smudges of real poo]

                                     MAILMAN TIMMY
                         He loves me, I love you.

               Therefore, vicariously he loves you

                                     BOY
                          I can make a Mr. Hankey, too! 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          HOWDY HO!

               I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.

               Season's greetings to all of you.

               Let's sing songs and dance and play

               [moves in between two kids and holds hands with them]

               Now, before I melt away 

               [hops onto Timmy and kisses his cheek]

               [skips onto every open mouth]

               Stick me in your mouth and try to say,

                                     ALL
                         "Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum."

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Christmas Time has come!

                                     GIRL 1
                         Sometimes he's runny.

                                     BOY 1
                         Sometimes he's firm.

                                     GIRL 2
                         Sometimes he's practically water.

                                     MAN ON PORTO POTTY
                          Sometimes he hangs off the end of your 
                         ass
 
               And won't fall in the toilet

               'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter

               And he won't drop out and so you ...shake you ass around

               And try to get it to drop into the toilet

               And finally it does... [Timmy closes the door]

                                     MAILMAN TIMMY
                         Christmas leaves; he most leave too. 
                         
 
               [Mr. Hankey hops on and waves good-bye. They wave good-bye back]
 
               
               Flush him down, but he's [slowing] never gone!

               [nornal. Santa takes off] His smell and his spirit ling-er on! 
               
 
                                     KIDS
                         Howdy Ho!

               [Mr. Hankey is now shown seated on an armchair next to the crackling 
               fireplace. Next to him is a small table with a gifts on it. Behind 
               him is a Christmas tree with gifts at its base]
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy-ho, folks. We're gonna do somethin' 
                         a little bit different tonight. Instead 
                         of our normal thing, we're just gonna 
                         sit back and enjoy some holiday songs. 
                         And if ya don't like it, well, I guess 
                         you can suck my tiny little balls. So 
                         let's start off with a festive Channukah 
                         song, sung by my favorite Jewish person 
                         in the whole world.
 
               [The Broflovski house, decorated for Channukah. A dreidel spins 
               on the living room rug. Kyle and Ike warch it spin and fall]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, 
                         so I have to show you how to celebrate 
                         a Channukah.  This is called a dreidel. 
                         You spin it and see where it lands. 
                         And you sing this song:
 
               I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.

               And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Hoh,
 
               
               Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.

               Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.

               [gives the dreidel to Ike. Cartman walks in]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel; 
                         do you wanna try?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure. 

               Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay.

               But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's freakin' gay.
 
               
                                     KYLE
                          Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               Jews... play stupid games

               Jews... that's why they're lame.

                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

                                     KYLE
                         I made you out of clay.

                                     CARTMAN
                         play stupid games.

                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

                                     KYLE
                         with dreidel I shall play.

                                     CARTMAN
                         that's why they're lame.

                                     STAN
                          What's going on? ...Oh, it's that Channukah 
                         thing
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's sooo amazing!  You spin this thing 
                         on the ground and it goes 'round and 
                         'round. I could watch it aaall day!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Let me try. 

               I'll try to make it spin.

               It fell; I'll try again.

               [together. Cartman remains still between Stan and Kyle as Ike 
               dances on the sofa behind them]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made 
                         you out of clay.
 
                                     STAN
                         I'll try to make it spin.

               
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel 
                         I shall play.
 
                                     STAN
                         It fell; I'll try again.

               [together, alternate with Cartman. Cartman walks behind the sofa, 
               then pops up from the back. Above him is a string of Stars of 
               David. Stan keeps trying...]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         I'll try

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         I made you out of clay.

                                     STAN
                         to make it spin.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         play stupid games.

               
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         It fell;

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         with dreidel I shall play.

                                     STAN
                         I'll try again.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         that's why they're lame.

               
                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         I'll try

               [Cartman takes a Star of David down from the string and carries 
               it out front]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         I made you out of clay.

                                     STAN
                         to make it spin.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         play stupid games.

               
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         It fell;

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         with dreidel I shall play.

                                     STAN
                         I'll try again.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         that's why they're lame.

               
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hello, boys!

                                     KYLE
                         Hi, Mom!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing 
                         dreidel. Now, you know that dreidel 
                         is a time-honored tradition for the 
                         Hebrew people.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, we know, Ms. Broflovski. It's so 
                         very interesting.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now when you learn to make the dreidel 
                         spin 
 
               You'll know our people always win.

                                     KEEP SPINNING
                         Learn

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         to make the dreidel spin 

                                     CARTMAN
                         play stupid games.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You'll know 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         our people always win.

                                     CARTMAN
                         that's why they're lame. 

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, hi Dad.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Sure.

               I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.

               And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall- everybody!
 
               
               [together, alternate with Cartman. All five break into song and 
               dance. The boys dance in figure-8 form]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         I'll try

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now when you learn

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Courtney Cox,

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         I made you out of clay.

                                     STAN
                         to make it spin.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         to make the dreidel spin 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I love you.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         play stupid games.

               
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         It fell;

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You'll know 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You're so hot

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         with dreidel I shall play.

                                     STAN
                         I'll try again.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         our people always win.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         on that show.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         that's why they're lame.

               [All now dance in place]

                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         I'll try

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Keep spinning: learn

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Courtney Cox,

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         I made you out of clay.

                                     STAN
                         to make it spin.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         to make the dreidel spin

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I love you.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         play stupid games.

               
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         It fell;

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You'll know

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You're so hot

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         with dreidel I shall play.

                                     STAN
                         I'll try again.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         our people always win.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         on that show.

               [The others stop singing, but continue dancing]

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         :	Courtney Cox, I love you. 

               You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.

                                     KYLE
                         Dad? 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Courtney Cox,

                                     KYLE
                         Dad.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I- huh? 

                                     KYLE
                         We're singing about a dreidel.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          ...Oh, sorry.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         I'll try

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now when you learn

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Courtney Cox,

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

               
                                     KYLE
                         I made you out of clay.

                                     STAN
                         to make it spin.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         to make the dreidel spin

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I love you.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         play stupid games.

                                     [FRONT
                         Sheila. Left: Stan and Kyle. Right: 
                         Cartman, Ike, and Gerald]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         It fell;

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You'll know

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You're so hot

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

                                     [FRONT
                         Cartman. Left: Ike and Gerald. Right: 
                         Kyle and Sheila. Center: Stan]
 
                                     KYLE
                         with dreidel I shall play.

                                     STAN
                         I'll try again.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         our people always win.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         on that show.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         that's why they're lame.

                                     [FRONT
                         Gerald. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: 
                         Cartman, Ike, and Kyle.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         I'll try

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Keep spinning: learn

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Courtney Cox,

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

                                     [FRONT
                         Stan. Left: Cartman and Gerald. Right: 
                         Ike, Kyle, and Sheila]
 
                                     KYLE
                         I made you out of clay.

                                     STAN
                         to make it spin.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         to make the dreidel spin

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I love you.

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         play stupid games.

                                     [FRONT
                         Ike. Left: Kyle and Stan. Right: Gerald 
                         and Cartman. Center: Sheila]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

                                     STAN
                         It fell;

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You'll know

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You're so hot

               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews...

                                     KYLE
                         with dreidel I shall play.

                                     STAN
                         I'll try again.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         our people- know our people always win.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         on that show.

                                     CARTMAN
                         that's why they're lame.

               [Ike releases the dreidel, which spins successfully. The camera 
               zooms in, only to see it fall.]
 
               [Back at the armchair...]

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Woohoo! Golly, that sure was fun. But 
                         now, for our next song, hold on to your 
                         bootstraps, 'cause we're gonna descend 
                         down into Hell!
 
               [Hell. Flames abound here, but an ashen plain is seen with a 
               little campfire on it. Hitler, shown in shades of gray, is on 
               his knees in front of the fire, crying. Before him is a tree 
               stand, but there's no tree in it.]
 
                                     ADOLPH
                         O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,

               wie treu sind deine Blätter.

               O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,

               [little Hitler is lifted up to put a star atop the Christmas 
               tree]
 
               wie treu sind deine Blätter.

               De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit, 

               [little Hitler beans a Jewish boy down with a snowball]

               Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit. 

               [Little Hitler looks at trees, and has visions of marching soldiers. 
               He salutes.]
 
               O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,

               wie treu sind deine Blätter. 

               [live Nazi footage is superimposed on the fire. Hitler breaks 
               down]
 
                                     SATAN
                          Hey, Hitler.  What's the matter, little 
                         guy?
 
                                     ADOLPH
                         Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu 
                         sind deine Blätter.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?
 
                         
                                     ADOLPH
                         ...nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter, 
                         wenn es schneit.
 
                                     SATAN
                          Well, I tell you what: Maybe we'll 
                         have ourselves a little Christmas, right 
                         here! Come on, everyone, gather 'round!
 
                         
               
               String up the lights and light up the tree.

               [...and the man tied to it]

               We're gonna meke some reverly!

               Spirits are high, so I can tell, 

               [two of the damned stand up and dance]

               It's Christmas Time in hell.

               
               Demons are nicer as you pass them by. 

               [passes them in front of Azrael's Toys]

               There's lots of demon toys to buy.

               The snow is falling, and all is well. 

               [a volcano behind the store erupts]

               It's

                                     WITH DEMONS
                         Christmas Time in hell!

                                     SOLO
                         There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive 
                         Christmas ham.
 
               [Dahmer walks out of a meat store and into the house next door]
 
               
               After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can.

               And there goes John F. Kennedy caroling with his son. 

               [they stop by to sing with him]

                                     WITH THE KENNEDY MEN
                         Reunited for the holidays. God bless 
                         us, everyone!
 
                                     WITH THE DAMNED
                         Everybody has a happy glow!

               Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.

                                     SOLO
                         Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell
 
                         
               [Mao is making a snow angel]

                                     WITH CHOIR
                         It's Christmas Time in hell!

                                     SOLO
                         Adolph, here's a present for you-u! 
                         
 
                                     ADOLPH
                         Oh?  Ein tannenbaum! 

                                     SATAN
                         Yhehes, ein tannenbaum.

                                     FEMALES
                         Aaa-aaa!

                                     SATAN
                         God cast me down from heaven's door
 
                         
               [hops into a mining car and moves. Two demons man the front car]
 
               
               To rule in hell forevermore.

               But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,

                                     WITH CHOIR
                         'Cause it's Christmas Time in hell!
 
                         
                                     WITH MALES
                         Here's a rack to hang the stockings 
                         on
 
               [...the type of rack with a man stretched out on it]

                                     WITH FEMALES
                         We still have to shop for Genghis Khan 
                         
 
                                     SOLO
                         Michael Landon's hair looks swell. 
 
                         
                                     WITH CHOIR
                         It's Christmas Time in hell!

                                     SOLO
                         There's Princess Diana holding burning 
                         mistletoe
 
               Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow.

               [She does hold the mistletoe; Gene takes her down and makes love 
               to her]
 
                                     WITH CHOIR
                         For one day we all stop burning, and 
                         the flames are not so thick.
 
               [a demon turns down the flames]

               All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint 
               Nick! So, 
 
               [Satan sets some cookies on a small table; a demon brings him 
               an armchair]
 
               String up the lights and light up the tree. 

               [with him are Mao, Gene, Diana, JKF Sr. and Jr., and Dahmer]
 
               
               We're damned for all eternity.

               Bur for just one day all is well.

               It's Christmas Time in hell!!!

                                     SOLO
                         Gather close together and make it quick!
 
                         
               We gotta make room for Andy Dick.

               [shows the picture]

                                     WITH CHOIR
                          Wake his mother and ring the bell. 
                         It's
 
               [three demons dress Satan in a green cape and Santa cap]

                                     SATAN AND MALES
                          Christmas Time...

                                     FEMALES
                         Christmas Time... 

                                     MALES
                         Christmas Time... 

                                     FEMALES
                         Christmas Time... 

                                     SATAN AND MALES
                         Christmas Time... 

                                     FEMALES
                         Christmas Time... 

                                     MALES
                         It's Christmas Time... 

                                     FEMALES
                         Christmas Time... 

                                     ALL
                         It's Christ-mas Time In hell!!!!

               [the damned form circles around two trees. Demons hover around 
               Satan]
 
                                     BAILEY
                          Merry Christmas, movie house!

                                     SATAN
                         Brrrrrrroom! 

               [The anchorman reappears]

                                     ANCHOR
                         Fighting the frizzies at 11.

                                     [STAR WARS LETTERING
                         "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Howdy-ho!

               [Mr. Mackey's house. He really decorated for the holidays. He 
               comes out dressed as a bell]
 
                                     ALONE
                         Uh.

               Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.

               All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."

               [a floating Mackey head appears to the upper right]

                                     CENTER
                         Christmas is here, bringing good cheer
 
                         
               To young and old, meek and the bold

                                     RIGHT
                         Ding Dong

               Ding Dong

               [a second Mackey head appears on the lower left]

                                     CENTER
                         Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song
 
                         
               With joyful ring, all caroling

                                     LEFT
                         Ding Dong

               Ding Dong

                                     RIGHT
                         Ding Dong

               Ding M'kay

               [three Mackeys appear in split-screen]

                                     ALL
                         One seems to here words of good cheer
 
                         
               From everywhere filling the air.

               [a fourth Mackey, playing Scrabble, jons the other three, but 
               sings his own part]
 
                                     CENTERS AND RIGHT
                         O, how they pound raising their sound
 
                         
               O, here and there telling their tale

                                     LEFT
                         O, wail

               Telling their tale (daily now)

               [all four, dressed as bells, are in front of the house]

                                     ALL
                         :	Daily they ring while people sing
 
                         
               Songs of good cheer. Christmas is here.

               [the four Mackeys are now small bells on a Christmas tree.]
 
               
                                     CENTER 1
                         Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas

               Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas

                                     CENTER 2
                         Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song
 
                         
               With joyful ring, all caroling

                                     RIGHT
                         Ding Dong

               Ding Dong ding-

                                     LEFT
                         Ding- Can you hear them?

               Ding- Can you hear them?

               [the four appear normal in front of the house, then at the Scrabble 
               table]
 
                                     LEFT
                         On, on they send, on without end,

               Their joyful tone to every home

                                     RIGHT
                         Ding Dong

               Di-ing m'kay.

                                     CENTERS
                         Ding Dong

               Di-ing

               [one Mackey bell is alone in front of the house]

                                     CENTER
                         Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.
 
                         
               All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."

                                     RIGHT
                         Dong_____________

               __________

                                     LEFT
                         Dong_____________

               ____m'kay.

               [all four Mackey bells appear, then Mr. Mackey is alone]

                                     LEFT
                         On, on they send, on without end,

               Their joyful tone to every home

                                     RIGHT
                         M'kay M'kay___________

                                     CENTER
                         M'kay_________________

               [the small Mackey bells appear one by one on the tree, then the 
               four appear in front of the house]
 
                                     ALL
                         :	Ding dong ding-dong, m'kay___

               [one Mackey bell remains]

                                     CENTER
                         M'kay.

               [Back at the armchair...]

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't 
                         it? But let's not forget that for some 
                         people Christmas is about the birth 
                         of Jesus. So now, here's a more serious 
                         Christmas song sung by Eric Cartman.
 
                         
               [The town of Bethlehen. Cartman is superimpsoed on it. He's in 
               formal wear.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And

               O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining

               [The Star of the Nativity appears, then the Three Wise Men]
 
               
               It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-bir-birth 

               [The Nativity and Cartman are seen in the background, Formal 
               Cartman vanishes]
 
               O Holy Night, the- something something distant. 

               [Formal Cartman before a starry sky]

               It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie. 

               [Present-day Cartman finishes decorating the tree, helps himself 
               to a pie]
 
               Jesus was born, and so I get presents. 

               [Little Drummer Cartman stands before the manger scene, 

               Present-day Cartman is seen tearing into his gifts back at home.]
 
               
               Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o) 

               [back at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman turns to look at 
               Baby Jesus.]
 
               Fall (Fall) [four angels appear behind Formal Cartman]

               On your knees (On your knees) [Cartman falls on his knees]

               And hear (Can't you hear)

               The angels'... something (Voices)

               O night (O night) [Present-day Cartman tosses in bed, which is 
               covered in candy canes]
 
               Divine (Divine)

               [Formal Cartman] The night

               When I get presents (O-o) 

               [at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman takes the gifts meant 
               for Jesus]
 
               O night (O o-night) [loads them up on his camel, with other presents]
 
               
               Divine! [Present-day Cartman rips into more presents at home]
 
               
               [Formal Cartman] O night (Ooo-ooo)

               O night divine! [Little Drummer Cartman leads the gift-laden 
               camels away]
 
               
               Oh. Ch.

               [Back at the armchair...]

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Well, oh boy, that was a super song! 
                         And now, let's hear from the school 
                         teacher, Mr. Garrison.
 
               [South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison has 
               drawn a world map on the board.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, let's take our seats. 
                         Today we're going to learn how different 
                         cultures around the world celebrate 
                         the holiday season.
 
                                     CLASS
                          Awww.

                                     KENNY
                         (What?!)

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, pay attention. Ahem...

               I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East

               [points it out]

               No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious 
               beliefs
 
               They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday. 

               [shows some Arabic writing]

               And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say, 

               [tosses the picture away]

               
               [In the Middle East]

               Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!

               Put down that book the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes 
 
               
               [rips the Koran out of the Muslim's hand and dresses him up as 
               a tree]
 
               In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday 

               [removes the veils of two women, who turn out ugly]

               So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate. 

               [sticks a candy cane in the man's house]

               
               There is no holiday season in India, I've heard. 

               [pulls down a chart showing India's demerits.]

               They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd. 
               
 
               [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]

               They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph 
               is about. 
 
                                     [HOLDS UP A BOOK
                         "The Night Before Christmas"]

               And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,

               
               [In India, next to a swami sitting on a bed of nails]

               Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!

               Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus. 
 
               
               [gives beef to one man, pours eggnog on another]

               In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday. 

               [wraps a few people in Christmas lights]

               So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate. 

               [passes out wreaths]

               
               Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin.

               They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin. 

               [on the chalkboard, a drawing of a Japanese man with needles 
               stuck into him]
 
               On Decemer 25th all they do is eat a cake.

               And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,

               
               Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!

               God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum.

               In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do. 
 
               
               [throws some straw on the musicians]

               So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to 
               you. 
 
               [knocks down the Shintoist and dumps gifts on him, and wraps 
               others in lights]
 
               
               [dressed as Santa, dances around the class]

               On Christmas Day, I travel around the world and say,

               "Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too!

               Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you." 

               [Mr. Hat claps]

               Uh uh thank you, Mr. Hat. 

               [The anchorman reappears]

                                     ANCHOR
                         Frizzies at 11.

                                     [STAR WARS LETTERING
                         "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Howdy-ho!

               [A happy Shelley Marsh plays piano for Stan and Kyle, but...]
 
               
                                     SHELLEY
                         I saw three ships come sailing in

               On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day

               I saw three ships come sailing in

               [Stan sticks out his tongue and wiggles his hands on his ears]
 
               
               On Christmas Day, in the morning. 

               [Kyle pulls the ends of his lips apart and goes cock-eyed]

               
               And what was in those ships, all three? 

               [Stan starts to slurp on his figners, then the boys chuckle]
 
               
               On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day

               And what- [turns and points at them] Shut up, turds! [silence]
 
               
               -was in those ships all three

               On Christmas Day, in the morning?

               
               The Virgin Mary and Christ were there

               [Stan mimics Shelley with exaggerated expression, Kyle stifles 
               a laugh]
 
               On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day 

               [Kyle cracks up]

               The Virgin Mary and- Shut up, TURDS! [The boys cover their mouths. 
               Kyle burps]
 
               -Christ were there

               On Christmas Day, in the morning.

               
               Let us all rejoice, amain,

               [Stan pulls his cap over his face, Kyle flaps his ear flaps]
 
               
               On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day 

               [the boys burst our laughing]

               And let- [walks to the boys] I told you to shut up! [Stan burps]
 
               
               [back at the piano] -us all rejoice, amain,

               On Christmas Day, in the morning.

               [the boys make faces again]

               
               Shelley is starting to get pissed 

               [the boys begin to chuckle]

               On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day 

               [the chuckle get louder]

               Shelley got up and killed the turds 

               [the laughs roll out]

               On Christmas Day, in the MORNING! [picks up the piano...]

                                     STAN
                         AAAA! 

               [Back at the armchair...]

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Golly, that sure was swell. I'd say 
                         my Christmas special is going super-fantastic. 
                         Well, now it's time to hear from perhaps 
                         the two most important people of the 
                         whole season.
 
                                     EMCEE
                         Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemick's. 
                         Now, please put your hands together 
                         and welcome... Saint Nicholas and Jesus 
                         Christ. 
 
                                     SANTA
                         Hello, everybody!

                                     JESUS
                          How are you all doing tomight?

                                     SANTA
                         You know, Jesus, there've been so many 
                         songs written about us over the years.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         That's right, Santa, and we love each 
                         and every one of them. Like this one.
 
                         
               
               Joy to the world, for I have come.

               Let earth receive Me!

               Let every heart prepare Me room. [gets some applause]

                                     SANTA
                         And heaven and nature sing...

                                     JESUS
                         And heaven and nature sing...

                                     SANTA
                         And heaven and nature sing...

                                     JESUS
                         And heaven and na-

                                     BOTH
                         And heaven and heaven and nature sing.
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, 
                         but I like... this one:
 
               
               Up on the housetop reindeer pause

               Out comes good old... me. [get some applause]

               Down through the chimney with lots of toys

               All for the little ones' Christmas joys

                                     BOTH
                         
               [sway together]

               Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?

               Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?

                                     SANTA
                         Up on the housetop, click click click.
 
                         
               Down through the chimney with good old... me.

                                     JESUS
                         He he hoo, get away! 

                                     SANTA
                         Go away??

                                     JESUS
                         Get away.

                                     SANTA
                         Where away?

                                     JESUS
                         
               [gets some applause]

               Away in a manger, no crib for My bed

               That's where cute little old Me lay down My sweet head.

                                     BOTH
                         Looked down where I lay.

                                     JESUS
                         Cute little eight-pound me (Santa: Oo-oo)
 
                         
                                     BOTH
                         asleep in (Santa: on) the hay.

                                     JESUS
                         
               [gets some applause and sings upbeat]

               O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant

               O come ye to Bethlehem to see-ee Me...

                                     SANTA
                         Here's one, Jol-

                                     JESUS
                         Hark, the herald angels sing, Glory-
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         Hey, it's my turn.

                                     JESUS
                         -to Me!

               Silent Night,

                                     SANTA
                         Uh.

                                     JESUS
                         Holy Night

                                     SANTA
                         Santa Cl- em

                                     JESUS
                         All is calm, all is bright

               'Round yon Virgin, Mother and Me.

                                     SANTA
                         Saint Nicholas...

                                     JESUS
                         Holy Me, so tender and mild.

               Sleep in heavenly peace.

               [slowing] Sleep in heavenly peace.

                                     SANTA
                         Okay, Jesus. Here's one you might remember:
 
                         
               
               Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand

               Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.

                                     JESUS
                         Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not 
                         a Christmas song, bud. Ah... ah-
 
                                     SANTA
                         I know, but there's, like, 300 Jesus 
                         Christmas songs and only four fucking 
                         Santa ones! It's not fair! Just do it 
                         yourself! I'm leaving. 
 
                                     JESUS
                         Aw, come on, Santa. You can't leave.
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         Aw, fuck you, Jesus!

                                     JESUS
                         But Santa... The weather outside is frightful
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                          Aw.

                                     JESUS
                         But the fire so delightful

                                     SANTA
                          Well, since I've no place to go.

                                     BOTH
                         Leett it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
 
                         
               [more applause]

                                     JESUS
                         It doesn't show signs of stoppin'.
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         But I brought some corn for poopity 
                         poppin'.
 
                                     JESUS
                         The lights are turned way down low, 
                         so
 
               Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

                                     [SANTA
                         Snow... snow... snow.]

                                     BOTH
                         The fire is slowly dyin',

                                     SANTA
                         And, my dear, we're still good-bop-be-byein',
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         But as long as you love me so,

                                     BOTH
                         
               [they dance and hold hands, then Jesus twirls him. Santa spins 
               off the stage]
 
               Let it snow, let it snow,

                                     JESUS
                         let it snow___________________________!
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         
               [slides back on stage on his knees]

               Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand!

               
               [the club claps enthusiastically. The pianist winks at the duo 
               and points at them. Jesus points back, and Santa holds up a thumb] 
               
 
               [The anchorman reappears]

                                     ANCHOR
                         Fighting frizzies at 11.

                                     [STAR WARS LETTERING
                         "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Howdy-ho!

               [A toilet bowl. Mr. Hankey is floating on the water there.]
 
               
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Well, I guess that's about the end of 
                         my Christmas album. Gosh! It was so 
                         nice hangin' out with you all again. 
                         Well, I guess if there's just... one thing 
                         I have left to say, it would be this:
 
                         
               
               Have yourself a merry little Christmas

               May your heart be light

               From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.

               
               Have yourself a merry little Christmas

               Make the Yuletide gay. [hops out of the bowl]

               From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

               [hops onto a ham as a family of four looks on, leaves his mark, 
               
 
               then hops onto his armchair]

                                     WITH BOYS
                         
               [In the next scene Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join him. 
 
               
               Clips of Wendy, Sheila, the Mayor, Ms. Crabtree, and Liane follow.]
 
               
               Here we are as in olden days,

               Happy golden days of yore.

               Nurse Gollum, Principal Victoria, the Mayor, Sharon, and Ms. 
               Crabtree.]
 
               Faithful friends who are dear to us 

               [Cartman strokes Mr. Kitty. Stan and Kyle decorate the chandelier]
 
               
               Gather near to us once more. 

               [Mr. Hankey hops onto Santa's shoulder as Jesus looks on]

                                     THE BOYS
                         Through the years we all will be together
 
                         
               [the boys embrace shoulders and stand united]

               If the Fates allow. 

               [the chandelier drops on Kenny and the others back away, shocked]
 
               
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hang a shining star above the highest 
                         bough.
 
               [Kyle lifts Mr. Hankey up to do this. Sharon hugs and kisses 
               Stan 
 
               JFK and Hitler approach the fireplace and embrace]

                                     WITH BOYS
                         And have yourself a merry little Christmas 
                         now.
 
               Sheila, Gerald, Ike, Mr. Mackey in a bell, Satan, Jimmy the mailman 
               
 
               Jesus, Santa, Hitler, Mr. Garrison in Santa outfit, and Shelley. 
               
 
               Kyle climbs down from the ladder with Mr. Hankey in hand and 
               
 
               stands with Stan and Cartman, and rats rush in to chew on Kenny.]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                          Time to go, Mr. Hankey.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Goodbye, everybody,  and Merry Christmas! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.
 
                         
               [The camera zooms back from a pink house not seen before.]

               [The anchorman reappears]

                                     ANCHOR
                         And now, fighting the frizzies. 

               [End of Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" 
               plays as the anchor and the frizzy monster continue to box and 
               the credits roll.]
 
                                     ANCHOR
                         Come on! Kick my ass! 

Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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