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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 110

                              "MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO"

                                            by

                                       Trey Parker

                

               INT. SMALL STAGE - DAY

               All the adorable children of South Park are on risers singing 
               merrily.

                                     KIDS
                              (Singing)
                         We wish you a merry Christmas, We 
                         wish you a merry Christmas, We wish 
                         you a merry Christmas and a happy 
                         New Year!

               The SONG ENDS and little Stan steps out in front of the group.

                                     STAN
                         Lights please?

               The lights dim, and a small spotlight appears on Stan.

                                     STAN
                              (echoing)
                         And there were in the same country 
                         shepherds abiding in the field, 
                         keeping watch over their flock by 
                         night. And, lo, the angel of the 
                         Lord came upon them, and they were 
                         so afraid. And the angel said unto 
                         them, fear not: for, behold, I bring 
                         you good tidings of great joy. For 
                         born unto you this day in the city 
                         of David is a Savior, 'tis Christ 
                         the Lord. Glory to God in the highest, 
                         and on earth peace, good will toward 
                         men.
                              (Louder)
                         And now, SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY 
                         PRESENTS -- THE BIRTH OF JESUS!

               Stan gestures with his hand to another area of the stage, 
               where --

               A curtain opens and we see that Wendy is dressed like Mary. 
               She is lying on her back, with her legs up in the air, moaning 
               horrifically.

               Cartman, Kenny and some other children surround her in this 
               adorable little nativity.

                                     WENDY
                         Oooh!! Oooh!!

               Dressed as Joseph, Kyle stands between Wendy’s legs, waiting 
               for the fetus.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Mary, PUSH!! I can see its 
                         head!!!

                                     WENDY
                         UGGHHH!!!

                                     WENDY
                         AAGHAGAH!!!

               Wendy pushes some more and a small, plastic blood covered 
               fetus pops out. Kyle holds it up by the head.

                                     KYLE
                         It's a boy!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oooh!

               The kids all go 'Oooh!' Kenny is dressed like an angel.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph mph mph rm!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         WAIT A MINUTE!!!! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!

               Suddenly, the lights come up and we see that we are actually 
               in the school gymnasium.

               Mr. Garrison is in front of the stage, directing. He has a 
               director's megaphone and is sitting in a director's chair.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Kyle, what the hell was that? You 
                         need to hold the baby by the legs, 
                         not by the head... What kind of sick 
                         weirdo are you?

                                     KYLE
                         Sorry.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And Wendy, I'm STILL not believing 
                         the labor pains.

                                     WENDY
                         Okay.

               Just then, Kyle's irate mother walks up to Garrison.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you 
                         think you're doing?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I'm TRYING to direct the school 
                         Christmas play, but YOUR son was 
                         holding baby Jesus fetus by the head.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         How DARE you include the nativity in 
                         a school play!! Don't you realize my 
                         son is JEWISH?!?!

               Kyle looks embarrassed. Mr. Garrison looks confused.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         So?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         So what makes you think he should 
                         play JOSEPH of Arimathaea?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Because it's Christmas.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Our family doesn't celebrate 
                         Christmas!

               Cartman and the boys all look at each other, shocked.

               Kyle just lowers his head.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, God, you're not gonna lay that 
                         Hanukkah crap on me are you?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         WHAT, WHAT, WHAAATT?!?! You're not 
                         going to get away with this, Mr. 
                         Garrison!

               The children stand off to the side listening to the argument.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh good, Kyle's mom is here to ruin 
                         Christmas!

                                     KYLE
                         Shut up, fat boy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not fat! I'm festively plump!

                                     STAN
                         Why are you Jewish on Christmas, 
                         Kyle?

               Meanwhile, Garrison and Kyle's mom have finished their 
               bickering.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, Okay! Kyle, is there anything 
                         you can do for the Christmas play 
                         that isn't related to Jesus?

               Kyle thinks.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         How about the dreidel song, boobie?

                                     KYLE
                         I can sing the Mr. Hankey song!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         The Mr. Hankey song? How does that 
                         go?

               MUSIC

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo! 
                         He loves me, and I love you!

                                     STAN
                         Christmas poo?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is Christmas poo?

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, haven't 
                         you guys ever heard of it?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle that is enough!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         See, that's what you get when you 
                         raise your child to be a pagan.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         NOW THAT DOES IT! I AM GOING STRAIGHT 
                         TO THE MAYOR ABOUT YOU MR. GARRISON!!!

               Kyle's mother storms out. Garrison chases after her.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         OH WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! I'm sorry. Was 
                         it the pagan remark?!

                                     WENDY
                         You guys! Look!

               Wendy is standing next to the window, where big snowflakes 
               are falling.

                                     WENDY
                         It's snowing!

               The kids all rush to the door.

               EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

               The kids all run outside, where big, beautiful flakes of 
               snow are falling from the sky.

                                     STAN
                         WOW! Christmas snow!

                                     WENDY
                         Try to catch snowflakes on your 
                         tongue, it's fun!

               VINCE GUARLDI piano MUSIC kicks in as all the kids catch 
               snowflakes.

               A flake lands on Stan's tongue.

               A flake lands on Cartman's tongue.

               Kenny points his head up, but just then a bird flies by and 
               shits in Kenny's mouth.

                                     KENNY
                         PLMPH!!!

                                     STAN
                         OH SICK, DUDE!!

               Kyle sticks out his tongue, but --

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! What the hell are you doing?! 
                         Jewish people can't eat Christmas 
                         snow!

                                     KYLE
                         We can too!

                                     STAN
                         No, I think it's against the law, 
                         dude.

                                     KYLE
                         OFFICER BARBRADY!!

               Barbrady is standing in an intersection, directing traffic.

                                     BARBRADY
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         IS IT ILLEGAL FOR JEWS TO EAT 
                         CHRISTMAS SNOW?!

                                     BARBRADY
                         Yes.

               Kyle stares down at the ground, pouting.

                                     KYLE
                         DAMMIT!

                                     STAN
                         Hey, come on guys, we have to go to 
                         the mall and tell Santa Claus what 
                         we want for Christmas!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, we'll see you later, Kyle. 
                         Guess there's no reason for you to 
                         come since you don't get Christmas 
                         presents.

                                     KYLE
                         No, but I get Hanukkah presents for 
                         EIGHT DAYS!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Too bad it's usually a dreidel or 
                         something lame like that.

               Stan walks away from Kyle.

                                     STAN
                         We'll catch up with you later, Kyle.

               The kids all start to walk away from Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do 
                         have Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo!

               The boys all stop.

                                     STAN
                         What is this about Christmas poo 
                         dude?

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet 
                         every year and gives presents to 
                         everybody who has a lot of fiber in 
                         their diet.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh Kyle, c'mon seriously, you are 
                         really reaching right now.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, you're gonna be sorry when you 
                         see me riding around on Santa's sleigh 
                         with Mr. Hankey, fat ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Super snooty)
                         You're not gonna ride on Santa's 
                         sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, KYLE.

                                     STAN
                         See ya, dude.

               Everyone leaves. Kyle stands there alone... Sad. Sad, soft 
               music begins.

                                     KYLE
                         It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas 
                         My friends won't let me join in any 
                         games 
                         And I can't sing Christmas songs 
                         Or decorate a Christmas tree 
                         Or leave water out for Rudolph 
                         'Cause there's something wrong with 
                         me 
                         My people don't believe in Jesus 
                         Christ's Divinity 
                         I'm a Jew 
                         A lonely Jew 
                         On Christmas...

               Kyle walks over to where he sees children laughing and playing 
               and sitting on Santa's lap. Kyle watches from the distance, 
               behind a tree.

                                     KYLE
                         Hanukkah is nice, but why is it that 
                         Santa passes over my house every 
                         year? 
                         And instead of eating ham I have to 
                         eat kosher latkeef. 
                         Instead of Silent Night 
                         I'm singing Ooo chach to ga vive and 
                         what the fuck is up with lighting 
                         all these fucking candles tell me 
                         please! 
                         I'm a Jew 
                         A lonely Jew 
                         I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew 
                         On Christmas.

               The song ends. Kyle slowly walks away.

               EXT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

               It appears that the whole town has come to protest.

               Everybody is AD LIBBING complaints and shouts.

               The Mayor tries to quiet everybody down as she walks up to a 
               podium on the steps.

                                     MAYOR
                         Okay, everybody, settle down!

               A random WOMAN steps up, followed by a few townmembers.

                                     WOMAN
                         Mayor, we are deeply offended by the 
                         nativity scene in front of the capital 
                         office! Church and State are 
                         SEPARATE!!

               Her followers cheer. The town erupts again into complaints.

               Kyle walks up to where the other boys are.

                                     KYLE
                         What's going on you guys?

                                     STAN
                         The whole town is pissed off at each 
                         other. It's really sweet.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         That isn't all Mayor! The school 
                         play is doing a nativity scene! It 
                         isn't being sensitive to the Jewish 
                         community!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You ARE the Jewish community!

               The townspeople all AD LIB shouts and complaints again.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh boy, super bitch is at it again.

                                     KYLE
                         Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

               The town Priest steps up to the front of the crowd.

                                     PRIEST
                         Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas 
                         is all about! If you remove Christ, 
                         you must remove Santa and Frosty and 
                         all that garbage too!!

               The Christians all cheer, some 'Boos'. The Mayor rolls her 
               eyes.

                                     OLDER MAN
                         And we must put a STOP to the cutting 
                         down of Christmas trees!!

                                     JIMBO
                         And I'm sick and tired of those little 
                         flaps on coffee lids! If you don't 
                         want to spill your coffee then you 
                         shouldn't be driving with it!!

               Silence... The townspeople all look around...

               Finally, they all cheer again, in spite of themselves.

                                     MAYOR
                              (Quieting them again)
                         Okay, people... Clearly we need to 
                         reach a compromise... Perhaps we 
                         need a new icon for Christmas.

               The mayor makes a specific 'all encompassing' gesture with 
               her hands (see Trey).

                                     ASSISTANT #2
                         Ooh! Brilliant idea Mayor!

               The townspeople think.

               The townspeople all AD LIB agreement.

                                     KYLE
                              (Shouting out)
                         Hey, how about Mr. Hankey The 
                         Christmas Poo?

               Everybody turns and looks at Kyle.

               Cartman and Stan roll their eyes.

                                     MAYOR
                         Excuse me?

                                     STAN
                         Oh boy, here we go again.

               Kyle's Mother and Father look scared.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet 
                         every year and gives presents to 
                         everybody who has a lot of fiber in 
                         their diet.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, shush!

                                     KYLE
                         It's true! He doesn't care what faith 
                         you are!
                              (Singing)
                         Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo! 
                         He loves me! 
                         And I love you! 
                         Therefore, vicariously, he loves 
                         you! 
                         Even if you're...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't mind him, he's a very disturbed 
                         little boy.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm!

                                     STAN
                              (Laughing)
                         Yeah!

               Kyle's mother rushes over and grabs Kyle by the arm.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Okay, Kyle, we're leaving RIGHT NOW!

                                     KYLE
                         Wait!

               Kyle's mom hurries him off.

                                     MAYOR
                         Anyway... I'll put together a crack 
                         team of my best workers to make sure 
                         this will be the most non-offensive 
                         Christmas ever to any religious or 
                         minority group of any kind. Are there 
                         any other suggestions?

               Mr. Garrison raises his hand.

                                     MAYOR
                         Yes, Mr. Garrison?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Could we get rid of all the Mexicans?

                                     MAYOR
                         No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid 
                         of all the Mexicans.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Rats.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

               INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Kyle's house is GARISHLY decorated with Hanukkah crap. A 
               menorah has six candles lit.

               Ike is entertaining himself with a dreidel.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         It is SICK and disgusting and we 
                         simply will NOT HAVE IT!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Your father's right, Kyle.

               Kyle just looks down at the floor.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Sheila, let me handle this. Having 
                         imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but 
                         this simply will NOT DO!!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Listen to your father, Kyle.

               Ike goes chasing after his dreidel and crashes head first 
               into the Menorah.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Now, I want you repeat after me. 
                         'There is no such thing as Mr. 
                         Hankey'.

                                     KYLE
                         But dad! He always --

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         SAY IT!

               Kyle sighs deeply.

                                     KYLE
                              (defeated)
                         There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Again.

                                     KYLE
                         There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         This is for your own good, boobie.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Now you go brush your teeth, and 
                         march in to bed! You won't be opening 
                         your Hanukkah present tonight.

               Kyle hangs his head low and slinks into the bathroom.

                                     KYLE
                              (Under his breath)
                         Probably just another stupid dreidel 
                         anyway...

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

                                     KYLE
                         I said Ike's on fire.

               As Kyle leaves, his mother and father turn around and see 
               that Ike, sure enough, has caught on fire. They run over to 
               him and cover him with a blanket.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh my God!

               INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

               Kyle stands on a little stool, brushing his teeth in the 
               mirror.

                                     KYLE
                         It isn't fair! I don't want to be an 
                         outcast!

               After a few seconds, Kyle hears a small noise coming from 
               the toilet... drip... drip...

               Kyle looks down at the toilet, then quickly looks away and 
               goes back to brushing his teeth.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hellllooo!

                                     KYLE
                         I'm not hearing that.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hellllooo!

               Drip... Drip...

               Now Kyle walks over to the toilet and peers in.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey?

               Just then, from the depths of the toilet bowl, comes 
               laughable, lovable MR. HANKEY, a jolly old piece of poo with 
               a red and white Christmas hat.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         HOWDY HO!!!!

               Hankey flies up into the air, bounces off a wall, and lands 
               on the counter.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy Ho, Kyle! Gosh you're lookin' 
                         swell.

                                     KYLE
                         Go away, Mr. Hankey.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         You know something, pal? You smell 
                         an awful lot like flowers.

                                     KYLE
                         I said go away. My dad says you aren't 
                         real.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Not real? Well shucks, if I weren't 
                         real, could I sing this jolly 
                         Christmas song?

               Music kicks in. Mr. Hankey throws his arms up.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                              (Singing)
                         Santa Claus is on his way 
                         He loaded goodies on his sleigh 
                         He'll drop 'em off on Christmas Day 
                         And I'll say HOWDY HO!!

               As Hankey sings, he does a little dance. Leaping all around 
               the bathroom, and leaving a small trail of brown wherever he 
               goes.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey! SHHH! I'll get in trouble!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                              (Singing)
                         Folks'll gather round the fire 
                         Sing a song form a choir 
                         Pretty soon they'll all retire 
                         And I'll say HOWDY HO!!

               As the song continues, Hankey jumps up to the mirror and 
               writes 'Noel' in brown on it.

               POUNDING at the door.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle? What are you doing in there?

                                     KYLE
                         NOTHING!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Open this door!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         I hope that Santa comes real soon 
                         been waiting since the first of June --

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey come here!

               Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey --

               But suddenly, the door bursts open. We see only the expression 
               on Kyle's Father's face. He is almost in shock.

               Now we see what dad sees. The entire bathroom, the walls the 
               floors the mirrors, are smeared with poo.

               Slowly, the camera pans to Kyle who is just standing there 
               with a lifeless, plain lump of poo in his hand.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         KYLEEEEE!!!

               Kyle looks at the piece of poo in his hand.

                                     KYLE
                         Say something Mr. Hankey!

               The poo is motionless.

               INT. KYLE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Kyle's father stands at the door. Kyle is in bed. Dad flicks 
               the light off.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         NOW YOU GET TO SLEEP AND THINK ABOUT 
                         HOW YOUR POOR MOTHER HAS TO CLEAN 
                         THAT BATHROOM UP!!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                              (very distant)
                         Wh... Wha... WHAT Me?!

               Kyle's father slams the door shut.

               Kyle is left alone in the darkness.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         HOWDY HO!!

               Mr. Hankey jumps down on the bed next to Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you 
                         go?!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         You should be wearing socks to sleep, 
                         Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.

                                     KYLE
                         NOBODY believes in you! Not even my 
                         friends!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Ooh, gee that's too bad...

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, how about you come to school 
                         with me tomorrow, so I can at least 
                         prove I'm not crazy to my friends?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Say, that sounds like a swell idea! 
                         We can show everyone the true spirit 
                         of Christmas!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! We'll show them!

               Mr. Hankey tucks himself in next to Kyle, and the two fall 
               asleep.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING

               Establishing shot of morning on festively decorated South 
               Park avenue.

                                     MAYOR
                         Okay people we've got to turn this 
                         place around! Take down anything 
                         that is offensive to any specific 
                         group!

               The townspeople start taking decorations off the front of 
               the buildings.

               Jimbo is on a ladder in front of his store's doorway.

                                     JIMBO
                         Is mistletoe offensive?

                                     MAYOR
                              (Calling out)
                         Is anyone offended by mistletoe?

               One guy in the corner raises his hand.

                                     MAYOR
                         Lose the mistletoe!

               EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

               Cartman, Stan and Kenny are waiting at the busstop.

                                     STAN
                         You guys!! I'm getting that John 
                         Elway football helmet for Christmas!

                                     CARTMAN
                         How do you know?

                                     STAN
                         'Cause I looked in my parents closet 
                         last night!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, well I sneaked around my mom's 
                         closet too and saw what I'm getting: 
                         The 'UltraVibe Pleasure 2000'.

                                     STAN
                         What's that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know, but it sounds pretty 
                         sweet.

               Kyle walks up, carrying a little shoebox.

                                     KYLE
                         Hello, everybody!

                                     STAN
                         What's in the box, Dude?

                                     KYLE
                         It's a surprise!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Lemme see!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, okay, but don't scare him...

               Stan slowly opens the lid and peers into the box. Cartman 
               and Kenny look in as well.

               Silence...

               Silence...

               Kyle is the only one smiling, the other boys look deeply 
               disturbed.

                                     STAN
                         Dude! SICK!!!

               Kyle looks in the box, again Mr. Hankey is just a lump of 
               shit. No eyes, no hat, no gloves...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Is this some kind of Jewish 
                         tradition?!

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph!

                                     KYLE
                         Wait you guys! He's alive!

                                     STAN
                         Kyle... I think you better get home 
                         and get some sleep.

                                     KYLE
                              (To the box)
                         COME ON, DANCE!! DANCE!!!

               Cartman, Stan and Kenny look at each other with deep concern.

                                     KYLE
                         DANCE DAMN YOU!!

               INT. LABORATORY - DAY

               The second Mayor's assistant is in a white lab coat, and 
               standing at the front of a group of people, holding a 
               clipboard. (Is that a shitty sentence or what?)

                                     ASSISTANT #2
                         Now, this is very simple. I'm going 
                         to say words, and the computer will 
                         measure how offended you are by them. 
                         In this way, we can find out which 
                         words are least offensive for use in 
                         the holiday season... Are we ready?

               The townspeople just sit there, connected to wires and 
               computers.

                                     MAN
                         Here we go... Christ.

               A few beeps go off.

                                     MAN
                         Okay... CHAIR.

               No computer sound.

                                     MAN
                         CAMEL.

               A few little beeps go off.

                                     MAN
                         SAND.

               Silence.

                                     MAN
                         STUPID WHOP DEGO.

               BEEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!!!

                                     MAN
                         BENCH...

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - ELEMENTARY

               Establishing.

               INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY

               The nativity stuff has been taken down. A small crew is in 
               the process of taken down all the pictures of Santa Claus as 
               well.

               Two big guys start to drag the Christmas tree out.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, do you have to take the Christmas 
                         tree too?

                                     BURLY GUY
                         Mayor's orders.

               The children all watch with sad eyes as their cute little 
               set is dismantled.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay children, I'm really having a 
                         hard time with our Christmas play.

               The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with 
               Jesus OR Santa Claus...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thanks to Kyle's mother.

                                     KYLE
                         Shut up, Cartman!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         So does anybody know any non-Santa 
                         or non-Jesus Christmas songs?

               Cartman raises his hand.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes, Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                         How about we sing 'Kyle's Mom is a 
                         Stupid Bitch in D minor'.

                                     KYLE
                         I told you NOT to call my mom a bitch, 
                         CARTMAN!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh!

               MUSIC kicks in.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wellllllll....
                              (Singing)
                         Kyle's mom's a bitch! 
                         She a big fat bitch! 
                         She's the biggest bitch 
                         In the whole wide world! 
                         She's a stupid bitch if there ever 
                         was a bitch 
                         She's a bitch to all the boys and 
                         girls.

                                     KYLE
                         Shut up, Cartman!

               As Cartman continues, Mr. Hankey hops out in front of Kyle. 
               Nobody notices except for Kyle.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy ho!

                                     KYLE
                              (Softly)
                         Mr. Hankey!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Monday she's a bitch! 
                         On Tuesday she's a bitch! 
                         And Wednesday through Saturday 
                         She's a bitch! 
                         And then on Sunday just to be 
                         different 
                         She's a super King Kamayamaya BITCH!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Golly, that isn't very nice! I'd 
                         sure like to teach him a lesson!

               Kyle reaches for Hankey, but Hankey slips through his hands, 
               leaps off the desk and hurls himself at Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Have you ever met my friend Kyle's 
                         mom 
                         She's the biggest bitch in the whole 
                         wide world 
                         She's a mean ol' bitch and she has 
                         stupid hair, she's a bi... bi... 
                         bi... bi bitch... 
                         She's a stupid bitch. 
                         Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's a 
                         just a dirty bitch. 
                         Kyle's mom is a BITCH!

               The singing and music stops.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey, NO!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Aah!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the...

               Garrison looks down at the little lifeless lump of poo on 
               the floor.

                                     CARTMAN
                         GROSS, KYLE!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         OH MY LORD!! KYLE, DID YOU JUST THROW 
                         DOO-DOO AT ERIC?!?!

               Kyle is just sitting there, wide eyed, with a big brown stain 
               on his hand.

                                     KYLE
                         Uhh...

               The whole class erupts into AD LIB 'GROSS!'s and 'SICK's.

                                     CARTMAN
                         YOU SICK BASTARD!

               Kyle slinks in his desk as the children all point and laugh 
               at him.

               INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

               Kyle is sitting in the counselor's office, facing the odd, 
               wiry counselor.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Now, Kyle as your school counselor, 
                         I want to try and help you confront 
                         your problem, okay.

                                     KYLE
                         I don't have a problem!

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Well it's MY understanding that you...
                              (checking his notes)
                         ...You have an acute case of 
                         fecalphelia.

                                     KYLE
                         What's that?

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Well, a fecalpheliac is somebody who 
                         is obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         Mookie-stinks?

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Now, I also understand that you're 
                         Jewish, is that right Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         Well, not on purpose!

                                     COUNSELOR
                         So, this must be a pretty hard time 
                         of year for you... Being Christmas 
                         and all. Do the other kids make fun 
                         of you?

                                     KYLE
                         Well, sometimes.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         And that must make you mad.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, sure.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Mad enough to KILL, Kyle?

               DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS UP QUICKLY.

                                     KYLE
                         No, dude!

               THE MUSIC ENDS.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Oh, that's good.

               Kyle looks confused.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         You see Kyle, sometimes we feel like 
                         an outsider, we create friends, okay? 
                         in our minds, okay?

                                     KYLE
                         But Mr. Hankey seems so real.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Well, of course he does. In your 
                         screwed up little head he's the only 
                         friend you have.

               The counselor takes a sip of his coffee. When he sets the 
               mug back down, Kyle notices that Mr. Hankey is in the mug, 
               wearing a shower cap and brushing his back with a scrub brush. 
               He is whistling merrily, then he waves at Kyle.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Kyle, Howdy Ho!

               Kyle's eyes widen hugely.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Right now you're nuttier than Chinese 
                         Chicken Salad, okay?

               Kyle nervously looks back to the counselor.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         I mean, you're one screwed up little 
                         kid, do you understand?

               The counselor takes another sip of coffee. Kyle cringes.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Santa's loaded up his sleigh Soon 
                         he'll be on his merry way...

                                     COUNSELOR
                         So just try to stay positive, stay 
                         away from drugs and alcohol, and in 
                         the meantime, I'm going to put you 
                         on a heavy regimen of Prozac.

               Finally, the counselor looks down at his mug.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         WAGAHAGHAGHA!!!! OH MY GOD YOU SICK 
                         LITTLE MONKEY!!

               INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, we've just received 
                         word from the Mayor that the Christmas 
                         play can't include any Christmas 
                         lights, since they offend people 
                         with epilepsy.

               The children all moan.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         So, Kenny, would you please go over 
                         and pull the light cords out of the 
                         wall?

               Kenny looks a little scared, but walks over to where the 
               HUGE mass of Christmas light wires are plugged into the wall.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Careful now Kenny, those are very 
                         very dangerous.

               The children all watch on as Kenny grabs the cords and pulls 
               them out. There is a SPARK!!

               But Kenny just stands there, unharmed. He sighs with relief 
               and walks back to the group.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, now let's practice our --

                                     COUNSELOR
                         No! Get away from me!!!

               The counselor runs in, followed by innocent little Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         Here, just look more closely at it!

                                     COUNSELOR
                         NO!! GO AWAY!! Stan, you need to do 
                         something about your friend, okay? 
                         Get him outta here before he hurts 
                         anybody, okay?

               EXT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY

               The same institution that Garrison was in episode 2.

               INT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY

               The boys walk Kyle into the front office, which is decorated 
               with Christmas things. He walks up to a plain looking nurse.

                                     STAN
                         Hello, we need to commit our friend 
                         Kyle, please.

                                     NURSE
                         Reason?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm a clinically depressed 
                         fecalpheliac on prosaic.

                                     NURSE
                         Any allergies?

                                     KYLE
                         No.

                                     NURSE
                         JACKET!!!

               Suddenly, two burly men in white burst out, slap a straight-
               jacket on Kyle and drag him away.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Bye, Kyle! Happy Hanukkah!

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                         ACT III

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - NIGHT

               Establishing.

               INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

               The kids are all dressed in festive costumes, darting around 
               and getting ready for their big night.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, does everyone have 
                         their leotards on?

               INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

               It appears the entire town has turned out for the Christmas 
               Play. The townspeople all fill the bleachers in anticipation.

                                     MAN
                         Good, it looks like they've taken 
                         the Christmas trees down.

                                     WOMAN
                         Yes, and there's nothing Christian 
                         either. This should be great.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                              (Sniffling)
                         Oh, this could be such a wonderful 
                         Christmas play. I wish our little 
                         Kyle was here to see it.

               INT. PADDED CELL - NIGHT

               Kyle is in an all white padded cell wearing his all white 
               straight jacket.

                                     KYLE
                              (Singing)
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel 
                         I made you out of clay 
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel 
                         With dreidel I will play. 
                         Second verse, same as the first! 
                         Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel...

               INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

               The townspeople sit in the bleachers.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Welcome to the South Park Elementary 
                         Holiday.....

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         Wait wait!! There's a star above the 
                         stage! That's very offensive to non-
                         Christians!

                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, come on!

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         HEY! Don't push your beliefs on ME 
                         buddy!!

                                     STAN'S FATHER
                         I agree!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, brother... Kenny would you please 
                         climb that ladder and take down the 
                         star above the stage?

               Kenny nervously looks over to a rickety old ladder.

               Like a trooper, Kenny walks over and takes the first few 
               steps.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And be careful not to fall in that 
                         little pool below you Kenny, the 
                         shark for the third act is in there.

               Kenny looks down and sees that there is indeed a huge 
               maneating shark in the pool below him.

                                     KENNY
                         Mmph!

               Kenny climbs the ladder quickly.

               The lights dim.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 
                         South Park Elementary Holiday 
                         EXPERIENCE!! Before we bring out the 
                         kiddies for the play here's a 
                         nonoffensive, non-denominational 
                         Holiday song by the school Chef!

               The townspeople applaud. Chef takes the stage as MUSIC begins.

                                     CHEF
                         I'm gonna lay you down by the yule 
                         log 
                         I'm gonna love you right 
                         Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls 
                         And silent your night...

               Kenny shakes a bit at the top of the ladder. He looks down 
               and sees the ominous shark below him.

                                     CHEF
                         You'll hear the herald angels sing 
                         when I'm sliding off your bra. 
                         I Just can't wait to jingle your 
                         bells and 
                         Fa La La your La! 
                         Baby it's Christmas!!

                                     STAN
                         I wish Kyle was here, it just doesn't 
                         seem right without him.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, old Kyle is going to be locked 
                         up for a while, so get used to it.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay kids, get ready to take your 
                         places.

               INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

                                     NARRATOR
                         Thank you Chef. And now South Park 
                         Elementary presents the happy non-
                         offensive non-denominational Christmas 
                         play! With music and lyrics by New 
                         York minimalist composer Phillip 
                         Glass!

               Phillip glass stands at his keyboard and waves.

               Stan, Cartman, Kenny and all the other kids take the stage 
               in their drab, brown outfits.

               The extremely lame and gay Phillip Glass music starts.

               The boys and girls all start to sing.

                                     PHILLIP GLASS
                         AS I TURN AND LOOK INTO THE SUN, THE 
                         RAYS BURN MY EYES HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY 
                         EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.

               The parents all look confused.

                                     PHILLIP GLASS
                         HOW LIKE A TURTLE THE SUN LOOKS...

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         What the hell is this? This is 
                         horrible!

                                     PRIEST
                         This is the most god-awful piece of 
                         crap I've ever seen!

               Philip Glass looks around, worried.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey! YOU'RE the ones who made it 
                         this way!!

                                     PRIEST
                         Yeah! It's because the Jews said it 
                         couldn't be Christian!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         It wasn't our idea to take out Santa 
                         Claus!!

                                     ENVIRONMENTALIST
                         ALL YOU BASTARDS RUINED CHRISTMAS.

               The townspeople all lash out at each other. In a fury, they 
               charge and start beating the crap out of one another.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Get him in the ribs.

                                     ENVIRONMENTALIST
                         Damn tree hugger!

               The children just look on helplessly as their parents fight 
               like dogs.

                                     STAN
                         This sucks, dude. This is like the 
                         worst Christmas I've ever seen!

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah.

                                     CHEF
                         Say, where's Kyle?

                                     STAN
                         We committed him.

                                     CHEF
                         What? Why?

                                     STAN
                         'Cause he kept seeing this little 
                         brown piece of Christmas poo 
                         everywhere that he went.

                                     CHEF
                         Christmas Poo? You mean Mr. Hankey?

               The boys all freeze.

                                     STAN
                         Huh? Uh-Oh!

                                     COMMERCIAL BREAK

                                      THE COMMERCIAL

               INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

               A wholesome, pretty mother walks into the dining room, where 
               her two kids, a ten year old BOY and an eight year old GIRL 
               are looking bored at the table.

                                     MOTHER
                         Say kids, why the long faces?

                                     BOY
                         We're bored.

                                     GIRL
                         There's nothin' to do.

                                     MOTHER
                         Well, maybe this will help!

               The mother pulls a box out from nowhere. It is a very colorful 
               box with Mr. Hankey on the front.

                                     BOY
                         WOW! MR. HANKEY CONSTRUCTION SET!!!

                                     GIRL
                         COOL!!!

               Happy MUSIC kicks in.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         That's right, kids, now you can make 
                         your very own Mr. Hankey!

               The girl dumps the box out onto the table.

               INT. BATHROOM - DAY

               The kids and mom are kneeled down by the toilet bowl.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Just use this special fecal fishing 
                         net, and select your best Mr. Hankey.

                                     GIRL
                         That one!

               The mom dips the little fishing net into the toilet.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Then use the hand-crafted Hankey-
                         stand to add whatever eyes, mouths 
                         and hats you want!

               The little girl puts the finishing touches on a little Mr. 
               Hankey, perched on a wooden platform.

                                     BOY
                         I made a mariachi Mr. Hankey.

                                     GIRL
                         Now it's a Mrs. Hankey.

                                     BOY
                         Let's put the fez hat on him.

                                     GIRL
                         I wish daddy was still alive.

               The mother smiles.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         The Mr. Hankey construction set comes 
                         with everything seen here.

                                     MOTHER
                         Hey, where's Mr. Hankey?

               The baby claps its hands and laughs, covered in brown 
               (chocolate, of course).

                                     MOTHER
                         I love you sweetheart.

                                     GIRL
                         I love you too.

               The mother laughs merrily with her children.

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                         ACT III

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - ELEMENTARY

               ESTABLISHING

                                     STAN
                         This is horrible. Everybody's fighting 
                         and my best friend is in an 
                         institution... All because we didn't 
                         believe in Mr. Hankey.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, you can believe in him now.

               Two parents go hurling through frame, beating the shit out 
               of each other.

                                     STAN
                         I believe!

               Stan looks at Cartman.

                                     WENDY
                         I believe in Mr. Hankey!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         HOWDY HO!!!

               The boys all turn to see Mr. Hankey! Who has flipped out of 
               his shoebox and is magically floating in the air.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         HOWDY FOLKS! Gosh you sure do smell 
                         nice and flowery!

                                     STAN AND CARTMAN
                         Whoa!!!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy Ho, Chef!

                                     CHEF
                         Howdy Ho, Mr. Hankey.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, 
                         I'm going home. Talking poo is where 
                         I draw the line.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         What's all the ruckus?

                                     CHEF
                         I'm glad your here Mr. Hankey, the 
                         whole town is about to kill each 
                         other.

               Stan and Cartman watch this exchange with open mouths and 
               wide eyes.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         I reckon this could be a job for Mr. 
                         Hankey!

               INT. GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

               The townspeople are all still beating the shit out of each 
               other, when suddenly, they hear a loud whistle.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         STOP FIGHTING!!!

               Everybody turns and sees little Mr. Hankey standing on the 
               edge of the stage.

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh my God, what the hell is that 
                         thing?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Come on, gang, don't fight!

               The townspeople look at each other.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         You people have focused so hard on 
                         the things wrong with Christmas, 
                         that you've forgotten what's so right 
                         about it! Don't you see? This is the 
                         one time of year we're supposed to 
                         forget all the bad stuff. Stop being 
                         sad about the state of world... And 
                         for just one day, say 'Oh to heck 
                         with it! Let's sing and dance and 
                         bake cookies!'

               The townspeople just sit there. In shock.

               Silence...

               Finally, the sound of one person clapping echoes in the 
               distance. Everyone turns to see Kyle's father, clapping 
               softly, but slowly getting louder and faster.

               Kyle's Father claps even harder and then a few people join 
               in... Then more people join in.

               Finally the whole auditorium erupts into glorious applause. 
               They stand and cheer.

               Mr. Hankey smiles.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this is pretty fucked up right 
                         here.

               INT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY

               Kyle is sitting in his padded cell all alone. A very sad 
               Christmas.

                                     KYLE
                              (Softly)
                         I'm a Jew A lonely Jew 
                         But... what's that?

               JINGLE BELLS are heard in the distance. Kyle picks his head 
               up and looks around.

               A little figure drops onto the windowsill.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         HOWDY HO, KYLE!!!

               Kyle rolls his eyes.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, no! I'm not sane yet.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         I brought some friends with me!

                                     KYLE
                         Friends?

               Suddenly, the whole place illuminates with colorful lights 
               and festive voices.

               Kyle looks down out of his window and sees that the ENTIRE 
               TOWN has come and gathered in front of the mental institution. 
               Kyle can't believe his eyes -- EVERYBODY is there with 
               candles, trees, lights and joy.

                                     EVERYBODY
                         MERRY CHRISTMAS KYLE BROFLOVSKI!!

                                     KYLE
                         You mean you can see him?! I'M NOT 
                         CRAZY?!

               Kyle runs outside and joins the group, just as they all join 
               hands and start to sing.

                                     ALL
                              (Singing)
                         Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo! 
                         He loves me! 
                         I love you! 
                         Therefore, vicariously, he loves 
                         you! 
                         Even if you're a Jew!

               Mr. Hankey bounces over and gives Kyle a big kiss. Kyle 
               laughs, in spite of himself.

                                     SINGER
                         Sometimes he's nutty! 
                         Sometimes he's corny! 
                         He can be brown or greenish brown! 
                         But if you eat fiber Christmas Eve 
                         He Might come to your town!

               Mr. Hankey stands on top of a roof and starts tossing out 
               presents to all the townspeople.

                                     ALL
                         MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO, HE 
                         LOVES ME, I LOVE YOU.....

               Mr. Hankey jumps back down on the ground, and then starts 
               hopping away.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Well, I've got a LONG night ahead of 
                         me!! BYE, BYE! AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goodbye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of 
                         presents! I always believed in you!!!

                                     SANTA
                         HOWDY HO, HO, HO...

               Mr. Hankey crosses a full moon and disappears.

                                     STAN
                         You know, I learned something today. 
                         I learned that Jewish people are OK, 
                         and that Hanukkah can be cool too.

               The boys just stand there.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, you know... It seems like 
                         something's still not right...

               Kyle looks around and focuses on Kenny, who is just standing 
               there, looking fine.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah... Something feels unfinished.

               The boys look at Kenny. Kenny starts to look a little nervous.

                                     STAN
                         Well, what could it be?

               The boys stare at Kenny as a TITLE FADES UP

               TITLE: THE END

               Kenny puts his arms up in victory and jumps up and down with 
               the merriest holiday cheer ever.

                                     KENNY
                         Mmmf mrrr rmmmm.

               Credits begin to roll.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC ACCESS STATION - NIGHT

               INT. TELEVISION SET - NIGHT

               Jesus sits at a large rectangular table (a la the last supper 
               table) which is decorated with birthday goodies, on the set 
               of 'Jesus and Pals'.

               Several places are set, but the chairs are empty.

               Jesus sits sadly in the middle with a birthday hat on his 
               head, singing softly to himself.

                                     JESUS
                              (Sadly)
                         Happy birthday to me... 
                         Happy birthday to me...

               Jesus sighs and blows out his candles.

               Darkness.

                                         THE END

Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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