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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 616


                                "MY FUTURE SELF N ME"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, woods, night. Six boys look at a tree stump surrounded 
               by litter. They are Jimmy, Toke, Craig, Clyde, Kyle, and Cartman. 
               Kyle is carrying a black trash bag. On the stump is a marijuana 
               joint and some paper]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Throw it away, Clyde!

                                     CLYDE
                         I'm not gonna touch it. You throw it 
                         away.
 
                                     STAN
                          What's going on?

                                     KYLE
                          Some high schoolers left their marijuana 
                         cigarette behind. Uh we have to throw 
                         it away before some kids find it or 
                         something.
 
                                     STAN
                         So throw it away.

                                     CLYDE
                         Nobody wants to touch it.

                                     KYLE
                         What if the residue gets on our hands 
                         and it leads to harder drugs like those 
                         commercials say.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Yeah, didn't you see that commercial 
                         where it says that if you have pot you 
                         could become a terrorist?
 
                                     CLYDE
                         And the commercial where the two kids 
                         have pot and the one kids shoots the 
                         other. Harmless?
 
                                     STAN
                         You guys, those commercials are just 
                         exaggerations.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         How do you know? None of us had ever 
                         had any drugs before.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well, I did Ecstacy once.  Me and my 
                         girlfriend took it and we stayed up 
                         all night having... sex. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...Where did you have sex with her?
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         In her... va-vagina.  Thank you, thank 
                         you. What a terrific audience.
 
                                     STAN
                          It's just a stupid plant that makes 
                         you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Then you throw it away, smartass. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Fine, I will.  There, see? I touched 
                         marijuana. I'm not a terrorist, I didn't 
                         shoot anybody, and I don't feel like 
                         doing more drugs now. No big deal.
 
                         
               [South Park, night. To the sound of dramatic music, lightning 
               relentlessly flashes all over town. Stan's house is shown as 
               lightning strikes it. In the living room Stan watches "The Osbournes" 
               with his grandfather. Ozzy is shown in his living room talking 
               to his kids]
 
                                     OZZY
                         You kids  don't  around with your  mom!
 
                         
                                     JACK
                         Dad, we ing can't! It's a big ick a 
                         
 
                                     SHARON
                          Stan, what did I tell you about watching 
                         The Osbournes?
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw, come on, Mom.

                                     SHARON
                         It's going to make you retarded! 

                                     STAN
                         It's just a show! It doesn't have any 
                         fucking effect on me, for fuck's sake!
 
                         
                                     GRANDPA MARVIN
                         Oh goody. Now we can watch the news.
 
                         
                                     TOM
                         In other news, South Park police are 
                         still looking for a craaazy man who 
                         terrorized the town one hour ago.  The 
                         man claimed to be from the future and 
                         ran naked through the city streets screaming 
                         "The past! The past! Oh my God, it's 
                         the past!" Which is what one would expect 
                         someone in the future to yell. 
 
                                     NAKED MAN
                          Oh my God, it's the past!  Oh, whoa 
                         man, it's you!
 
                                     SHARON
                         Who are you?

                                     NAKED MAN
                         It's me, Mom, your son Stan. 

                                     RANDY
                          Who is it, Sharon?

                                     NAKED MAN
                         Dad!

                                     RANDY
                         Dad?? Look! We don't know you and you 
                         don't know us! Just go away before we 
                         call the police!
 
                                     STAN
                          Who the fuck is is, Mom and Dad?

                                     NAKED MAN
                         No way, it's me from the past! 

                                     STAN
                         I'm me from the past?

                                     NAKED MAN
                          No, I'm you from the future!  Oh man, 
                         this is so messed up.
 
                                     RANDY
                          Okay, we've had enough!

                                     NAKED MAN
                         Your name's Randy Marsh, you're a geologist, 
                         and you don't like chicken. Mom, your 
                         maiden name is Kimble and you have a 
                         scar on your left knee from when you 
                         slipped in the swimming pool.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Randy, what's going on?

                                     RANDY
                          I don't know.

                                     NAKED MAN
                         Dude, just let me talk to you for like, 
                         five minutes. After that I'll bail.
 
                         
               [The Marsh dining room. The naked man is now dressed in street 
               clothes and seated at the head of the table. He's emjoying a 
               beer and regular cigarette. The others look dazed and confused 
               at the man as he recounts his memories]
 
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         I can still remember when I was five 
                         and you both found that squirrel I'd 
                         been keeping in the closet and, you 
                         let me keep it for another week and 
                         then it ran away but... I know that's 
                         just what you told me. I know that Mom 
                         had actually let it out.
 
                                     RANDY
                         How could he possibly know all that 
                         unless... he is our son from the future.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         But why are you back in this time with 
                         us, son?
 
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         I have no idea, man. I was just about 
                         to go asleep in an alley behind the 
                         crackhouse,  and I shot up a little 
                         heroin, and then this electrical storm 
                         started. Next thing I knew I was running 
                         around in my own past, man. I thought... 
                         I was just tripping, but then I came 
                         down and I was still here. Oh, dude, 
                         it's so bizarre!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh dude, I should have never touched 
                         that marijuana!
 
                                     RANDY
                          Stan, whatever's happened, we going 
                         to help you.
 
                                     SHARON
                          That's right. We're a family no matter 
                         what time shift.
 
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Thanks. Can I get another beer?

                                     SHARON
                         You must be exhausted. Why don't you 
                         get some sleep?
 
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         That'd be killer. Where can I crash?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind his 
                         room, would you, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                         What?? I have to share my room with 
                         my future self?? Oh no! 
 
                                     SINGER
                         Here we are, face to face, "My Future 
                         Self -n- Me"
 
               [Stan and Future Stan stroll down a road. Future Stan has a beer]
 
               
                                     STAN
                          Stop it!

                                     SINGER
                         So much alike, and yet so different
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          No!

                                     SINGER
                         One of them's messy, the other one's 
                         clean!
 
               [Stan's future self turns off the light while Stan looks pissed 
               off]
 
               Gettin' along isn't always easy, sometimes we disagree 

               [Stan's future self brushes his teeth as Stan stands next to 
               him, avoiding him. Future Stan spits his frothy toothpaste into 
               the sink]
 
                                     STAN
                         Quit it!

                                     SINGER
                         But in the end we know we're good for 
                         each other
 
               [both Stans eat cereal, but the future Stan has trouble pouring 
               milk into his bowl. It splashes out of the bowl along with some 
               cereal. Stan just buries his face in his hands in frustration]
 
               
               Two peas in a pod, Future Self -n- Me

               Future Self -n- Me, Future Self -n- 

               [Now they have separate beds. Stan turns the light out and tries 
               to sleep. Future Stan reaches over to turn it on. Stan moves 
               to turn it on, and they fight over the switch until one of them 
               sleeps]
 
               Me

               [Bus stop, next day. Stan arrives with future Stan]

                                     STAN
                         Hey guys.

                                     KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Hey.

                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Whoa, Kyle and Cartman! It's so cool 
                         to see you guys.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who's this asshole?

                                     STAN
                         This is my future self. He came during 
                         the electrical storm last night and 
                         is caught in a time matrix. He's me 
                         when I'm 32.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow. That's pretty cool.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Then how does he know our names?

                                     KYLE
                         'Cause, artard, he's Stan from the future. 
                         He knows everything Stan knows.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ohhh. Wait. Stan becomes this douchebag?
 
                         
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years 
                         on a slow downward spiral experimenting 
                         with drugs and alcohol. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That is so awesome!! Thank you God! 
                          Oh praise God!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, what happens to me in the future?
 
                         
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Oh, I don't know. You guys stayed away 
                         from drugs, so you're okay. I just lost 
                         touch with you after I was sent to Juvi 
                         Hall in 2006.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Juvi Hall!  Stan's a loser! Stan's 
                         a loser! 
 
                                     STAN
                          God-damnit!

               [South Park Elementary, after school, Garrison's classroom. Stan 
               and Butters are seated next to each other, and there are no other 
               kids around]
 
                                     STAN
                         Thanks for staying after school and 
                         tutoring me, Butters.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh well, sure thing, Stan. Eh, how come 
                         you care about schoolwork all of a sudden?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I told you, I can't stand my future 
                         self. I have to do whatever I can to 
                         not become a loser like him.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, studying is the golden key to 
                         the imposing door of success.
 
                                     STAN
                         I just can't stand having my future 
                         self around all the time! It's driving 
                         me crazy!  Maybe if I get smarter I 
                         won't become him and I won't have to 
                         share my room!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I know what you mean. I hate having 
                         my future self around, too.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, it's like everything I do, he... 
                          Wait a minute, what'd you say?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I said, I know how you feel. My life 
                         has gone completely downhill ever since 
                         my future self moved in. I hate him! 
                         All he ever wants to do is watch Becker. 
                         And that show is so stupid. 
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, how long has your future self 
                         been around?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. I guess it's been around four months 
                         now.
 
                                     STAN
                         Four months?? And you never told anybody 
                         that you were living with yourself in 
                         the future??
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Nobody asked.

                                     STAN
                         Where is he now?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Probably watching Becker.

               [Butters' house, afternoon. A future Butters is watching TV and 
               eating chips at the sofa]
 
                                     BECKER
                         My name is T. Becker. The T stand for 
                         Terrific. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         See, here he is. Future Butters. Future 
                         self, this is my good friend,-
 
                                     FUTURE BUTTERS
                         Stan! Sure I remember you. Yep. Wearing 
                         that puff-ball hat like always.
 
                                     LINDA
                          Oh, hello boys. Future Butters, it's 
                         time to take your liver medicine.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Liver medicine?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. My future self has a bad kidney 
                         from all the drinkin' he did in high 
                         school.  Amd I need to learn to behave 
                         myself!  Hey! Where are you going, Stan? 
                         
 
               [Stan's house, moments later. Stan rushes into his room with 
               Butters in tow]
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, where is that sonofabitch's 
                         wallet?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wha-, what are you lookin' for, huh 
                         Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                         Butters, don't you think it's a little 
                         bit of a coincidence that both your 
                         future self and my future self got caught 
                         in a mexterdexed time plane? 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well they both got the same teacher 
                         for homeroom, too, but you didn't say 
                         anything then.
 
                                     STAN
                         Here it is.  It has to be something 
                         eh... Wait, what's this?  This expires 
                         in two thousand two. Why does he have 
                         this in his wallet?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I don't follow.

                                     STAN
                          Three four five one Colfax Avenue. 
                         Come on, Butters. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh! Are we out for an adventure? 
 
                         
               [Denver, night. A bus drives up to a curb on the seedy street, 
               then takes off. Stan and Butters walk down the street]
 
                                     STAN
                         Here it is. Motivation Corp. 

                                     BUTTERS
                          I don't think we're supposed to go 
                         in there, Stan. Maybe we should go adventurin' 
                         somewhere else.
 
                                     STAN
                          Butters, part of being on an adventure 
                         is you go places you're not supposed 
                         to go. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Well, you're good at adventurin', 
                         huh Stan? 
 
               [Motivation Corp., interior. Stan and Butters look down a long 
               hallway. Stan notices a window and looks in. Several workers 
               are at their computers matching kids up with actors who are to 
               portray their futures selves]
 
                                     STAN
                         What the hell is going on here?

                                     A VOICE
                         It should take about a month to achieve 
                         the results you want.  Well, Mr. and 
                         Mrs. Brooks, I think you're going to 
                         be very pleased with the results.
 
                         
                                     MR. BROOKS
                         We sure hope so. We just don't know 
                         how to talk to our son about drugs.
 
                         
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Well now you won't have to! Ah, here 
                         he is. This is Josh Casher. He'll be 
                         playing the role of your future son.
 
                         
                                     JOSH
                         Nice to meet you, "Mom and Dad." 

                                     MRS. BROOKS
                         My goodness, he does look a little like 
                         Kevin.
 
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Yes, and he knows all your family history 
                         and every detail of your house. And 
                         he's worked up quite a future for your 
                         son.
 
                                     MR. CASHER
                         I'm going to tell him that I dropped 
                         out of school and went to prison for 
                         eight years, where I was sodomized. 
                         In the ass.
 
                                     MRS. BROOKS
                         Woohoo, that should get Kevin to stay 
                         clear of drugs.
 
                                     MR. BROOKS
                         Heh it sure should, heh.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Alright, then we'll put the fake news 
                         report out on Tuesday night. Make sure 
                         your son is watching the Channel 4 News.
 
                         
                                     MR. BROOKS
                         Oh, and that's when uh you'll fake the 
                         electrical storm as well?
 
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Motivation Corp. takes care of everything. 
                          Just follow these simple scripts when 
                         your actor arrives.
 
                                     MRS. BROOKS
                          "Listen to me, you crazy person, there's 
                         no way you can be from the future." 
                         Oh this is going to be fun.
 
               [Motivation Corp., interior. Stan hurries out of there with Butters 
               close behind.]
 
                                     STAN
                         I can't believe it! It's all a scam!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, I can't believe it!

                                     STAN
                         They've all been lying to us this whole 
                         time!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         This whole time! I wonder if my future 
                         self knows anything about this?  Hey, 
                         maybe my future self remembers this 
                         happening, a-and can shed some light 
                         on this subject.
 
                                     STAN
                          Butters, don't you get it?! Those assholes 
                         aren't our future selves! Our parents 
                         hired them to make us more motivated!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Eh, but then why did they come back 
                         to the past
 
                                     STAN
                         They didn't come back to the past, you 
                         dumbass, they're actors!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh... Oohhhh.  But that's like they're 
                         lyin'
 
                                     STAN
                         It is lying, Butters. Your parents lied 
                         to you and my parents lied to me! Get 
                         it!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ohhh, that makes me angry! Why, if Professor 
                         Chaos were here he'd make everyone pay!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Who's that?

                                     BUTTERS
                         You know, Professor Chaos, bringer of 
                         destruction and disorder!
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Follow me back home, Stan. It's time 
                         I let you in on a horrible s-secret! 
                         
 
               [Butters' house, later. An upper light is on. Butters leads Stan 
               into his bedroom.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wait right here, Stan. I warn you: you 
                         may not like what you're about to see. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         We have to teach our parents a lesson! 
                         Show them they can't just play with 
                         our emotions like that!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Now you know my terrible secret!

                                     STAN
                         ...You're gay?  It's fine if you're 
                         gay, Butters. I don't care.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh? Naw, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But we have to teach our parents a lesson, 
                         Butters! We're running away! Help me 
                         find the perfect place to run away to! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Mm. Uhm, maybe I used a little too 
                         much silver.
 
               [Stan's room, next day. Stan and Butters are on the floor. Butters 
               is reading the newspaper as Stan watches on.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         How about this? Winter Farm. It looks 
                         kinda nice.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, we gotta run away somewhere warm.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow, look at this, Stan.  "Are you sick 
                         of your parents? Do you want revenge 
                         for something they've done to you? Call 
                         the Parental Revenge Center of Western 
                         America for a free con-sul-ta-tion. 
                         Results guaranteed."
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, I didn't know there was such 
                         a thing. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey look, somebody lost their pet.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh, hi, is this the Parental Revenge 
                         Center of Western America?  Ah I'm really 
                         pissed off at my parents and I wanna 
                         impose swift and horrible revenge upon 
                         them?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Look, you can make your weiner bigger 
                         in just three weeks.
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh really? Oh, okay, uh where are you 
                         located, please?  Great, uumm, can I 
                         come by tomorrow?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         This lady'll massage your weiner for 
                         ninety-five dollars. Well that's a pretty 
                         good deal.
 
                                     STAN
                         Eleven o'clock is great. Thank you. 
                          That was easy! I just have to go to 
                         their office and they'll help me figure 
                         out how to get back at my parents!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Hah-hey, I wanna get revenge on my 
                         douchebag parents, too.
 
                                     STAN
                         Fine, then you can come with me. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hooray!  And then we can make our weiners 
                         bigger, and have the lady massage them.
 
                         
               [South Park, commercial district. Stan and Butters run down the 
               street and turn the corner into an alley. Stan checks the address]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         I guess this is it.

               [Parental Revenge Center of Western America. The headquarters 
               are quite shabby. What looks like computers and monitors are 
               just cardboard boxes with crude drawings on them. Stan and Butters 
               enter. They look around as they approach the main desk]
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh hello, we're here about the revenge 
                         on our parents?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes, come in, please. 

                                     STAN
                         Cartman??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Stan, Butters, I didn't know it 
                         was you guys.
 
                                     STAN
                         What the hell are you doing here?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm running a business, Stan. Are you 
                         my eleven o'clock?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         You're the Parental Revenge Center of 
                         Western America??
 
                                     STAN
                         God-damnit, I knew this was too good 
                         to be true! Come on, Butters, let's 
                         go. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh, so, you don't want to make your 
                         parents suffer and pay for mistreating 
                         you, then?  Look, ah, I don't know what 
                         your parents did to you, but if you're 
                         here, I take it they pissed you off 
                         pretty good. Maybe you should at least 
                         ...hear what I have to offer?
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh, sorry. I thought this was a legitimate 
                         business!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That it is, I assure you. I started 
                         this business over three months ago 
                         from the ground up. I've beenhelping 
                         children get back at their parents ever 
                         since.
 
                                     STAN
                         How many parents have you exacted revenge 
                         upon?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Craig's. a-and Clyde's. Oh and and Kyle's, 
                         but that was a freebie. Look, I run 
                         a legitimate business hre with state-of-the-art 
                         computers, charts, and technology. Look 
                         around you. I know how it feels to be 
                         really, really pissed off at your parents. 
                         And I will work hard, for you. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Our moms and dads lied to us about those 
                         future selves! It was just a trick to 
                         get us to not wanna try drugs or alcohol.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          God-damnit! See? This is exactly why 
                         I started this business. If a parent 
                         can't respect their child, than who 
                         can they respect, huh?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Listen! Parents understand one thing, 
                         and that's consequences. They need to 
                         see consequences from their actions, 
                         or else they'll never learn. What my 
                         company does is inflicts those consequences 
                         upon the parents in a very real and 
                         very direct way.
 
                                     STAN
                         How much is this going to cost us?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eighteen thousand dollars.  How about 
                         just... three hundred and eighty seven 
                         easy payments of a hundred ninety nine, 
                         ninety five.  How about five bucks?
 
                         
               [Motivation Corp., day. ]

                                     DIRECTOR
                         So, everything is working out with your 
                         future actor? Your son seems to be responding.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         I think he's pretty scared alright.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         It's just a little weird having people 
                         lying to our boy like this.
 
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Well, you know what us ultra-liberals 
                         say, when it comes to children and drugs, 
                         lies are OK. The ends justify the means. 
                         We'll take smoking, for instance. The 
                         truth is there's no hard evidence that 
                         second-hand smoke can kill but, we believe 
                         it's okay to lie about it as long as 
                         it gets people to stop smoking.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Well that makes sense.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         So it is with everything here at Motivation 
                         Corp. It's okay for us to lie and tell 
                         kids that all marijuana supports terrorism. 
                          Or that... one pill of Ecstacy is gonna 
                         kill them. It's not necessarily true, 
                         but the ends justify the means.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well I think when this is all over, 
                         our son is gonna thank us.
 
               [Parental Revenge Center of Western America. Cartman prepares 
               to lay out his plans for Stan and Butters. His cap is gone, as 
               is the egg-shell chair.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, Butters, let's start with you. 
                         I thnk I've found a great way to get 
                         revenge on your parents. Just... tell 
                         me if I'm going in the right direction 
                         here.  What we're going to do, Butters, 
                         is we're going to wait for your parents 
                         to leave the house, and then, smear 
                         all the walls... with poop.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hwuhh. That'll make them awful sore.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, I want you to take a look at some 
                         of these poop swatches. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Poop- poop swatches?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters. 
                         I wanna find the perfect one, tailored 
                         to your revenge on your parents.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, personally, I like the baby green. 
                          But I also think the classic brown 
                         would go nicely with your house.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow, Eh eh you sure are a p-professional, 
                         Eric! I don't know which swatch I like 
                         best.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, y-you know what we could do, uh, 
                         uh Butters, is go with the baby green 
                         in the living room, and then maybe a 
                         classic brown, or even a nut-n-corn 
                         crunch in your parents' bedroom.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well that sounds good.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, well let's do that then. That 
                         looks nice.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hooray!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, now, Stan. For you I've put 
                         together a really nice design. I feel 
                         your parents were a bit more cocky about 
                         lying to you and your revenge needs 
                         to reflect that. So what I wanna to 
                         is put a note on your parents' door, 
                         telling them I'm the counselor from 
                         the school.
 
                                     STAN
                          Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         The note will inform them that a problem 
                         has come up and they need to see me 
                         right-away, back at my office.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Your parents will drive all the way 
                         out to the school and discover that 
                         no meeting is actually taking place.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         And while they're gone, we're gonna 
                         smear all their walls with poop. 
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow! Neato!

                                     STAN
                         That's not neato, that sucks.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         You're gonna smear Butters' parent's 
                         walls with poop. I thought his revenge 
                         was unique and customized!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Poop-smearing is the hot ticket right 
                         now, Stan, and... have you seen the 
                         poop swatches.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, that's not extreme enough! My 
                         parents aren't gonna learn their lesson 
                         from having some crap smeared on their 
                         walls! I want them to see what they 
                         did was wrong! I want them to have them 
                         to admit that they lied to me!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, okay, fine. I I just, I just, 
                         ...my first idea. That's why we have 
                         these consultations.  Okay, okay, lemme, 
                         lemme see here. Uh. Oh wait, oh this 
                         is nice. How about this: uh, we'll lure 
                         your parents out of the house, and then 
                         we'll kill them. Uh, we'll cut them 
                         up into little pieces and feed them 
                         to the dog
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Extreme enough for you? How's Wednesday?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, that's too extreme!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well first it's not extreme enough 
                         and then it's too extreme; where do 
                         you want it?
 
                                     STAN
                         Just forget it, Cartman! You don't know 
                         what you're doing! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm a professional, suh!  Don't worry 
                         about it, Butters. You're gonna be a 
                         hundred percent satisfied.
 
               [The Marsh house, day. All the Marshes are at the dining room 
               table eating tacos and chips]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey future self.

                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Yes, former self?

                                     STAN
                         You know that thing that I kept hidden 
                         in the hold in the wall for two years 
                         that I've never told anybody about? 
                          You know, the thing that I take out 
                         of the shoebox every night before I 
                         go to sleep?
 
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Oh, uh...

                                     STAN
                         You must know what I'm talking about.
 
                         
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Sure uh, uh,  oh man, could you all 
                         excuse me for a second? I think I'm 
                         gonna crap my pants. 
 
                                     SHARON
                         Uh, Stan,  don't you think you're upsetting 
                         your future self a little?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, Stan, don't be so hard on yourself.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Mom, Dad, I don't think that guy is 
                         from the future. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh. You. You don't?

                                     STAN
                         No.  You know what I think? I think 
                         this is all an elaborate hoax!  And 
                         I think that whoever is doing it doesn't 
                         have very much respect for me!  See, 
                         the best way to try to motivate somebody 
                         is by being direct with them, to be 
                         honest with them. I think the whole 
                         futre self thing is a lie, and lies 
                         are never the right way to get your 
                         message across.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, you know what I think, Stan?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     RANDY
                         I think he IS from the future.

                                     SHARON
                         Yeah, he must be.  It's like, I jsut 
                         feel he's our son, you know?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Right. That's mother's intuition; you 
                         can't argue with that. No, Stan, I think 
                         the only way you're gonna get of him 
                         is by staying clear of drugs and alcohol.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Right. 

               [Butters' house, day. There's a Hispanic crew in the house painting 
               the walls with two kinds of poop colors. The furniture is covered. 
               Cartman enters and walks around the living room]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, very nice, very nice. Oh wait, 
                         uh, God-damnit! Felipe!  The classic 
                         brown poop is supposed to go in the 
                         parents' bedroom! The living room is 
                         supposed to be all baby green poop!
 
                         
                                     FELIPE
                         ¿Qué? ¿La caca no esta aquí? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         ¡La caca de moreno no es aquí! ¡Aquí 
                         es verde, señor! ¡Es verde! ¡Arriba 
                         arriba!
 
                                     FELIPE
                         ¡Sí, sí señor! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sí, gracias. ¿Y tú?  ¡Carlos! ¡Carlos, 
                         no! We want a textured effect on the 
                         nut-n-corn crunch poop. That's why we 
                          spackle with the sponge.  See? Spackle 
                         gently. Lo marrado. Gently, see? Marrado.
 
                         
                                     CARLOS
                         Sí. Marrado. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Marrado. Spectacularrr.

                                     CARLOS
                         Sí. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         God, it's so hard to find good help. 
                          Ah! Butters, like what you're seeing 
                         so far?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Boy, it sure is stinky in here!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of 
                         poop isn't gonna smell like a garden, 
                         Butters. But I think it's coming together 
                         real nice.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Look, eh, Eric, I've been thinkin', 
                         my parents are gonna be awful sore and 
                         I don't think-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, well, I've done my job, haven't 
                         I?  ¡Pepite, Pepite, no! No come la 
                         taco la trabajar!
 
               [The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon talk with the future 
               Stan]
 
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Yes, well, it's hard to find work in 
                         commercials, so I ended up- 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, Stan! 

                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Oh, dude, how's it goin', man? Ey, you 
                         wanna go upstaris and play hide and 
                         go seek?
 
                                     STAN
                          Hide and go seek, huh?!

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, Stan, why don't you go upstairs 
                         and play with yourself?
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't believe that he's my future 
                         self!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, but we can't be sure, so we'd 
                         better assume he is and never try that 
                         first marijuana cigarette, huh?
 
                                     STAN
                         No, I actually have a way to be sure. 
                          I'm going to cut off my hand. If he 
                         is my future self, then his hand will 
                         disappear.
 
                                     SHARON
                          S-stanley you don't need to do that. 
                         He-he is your future self.
 
                                     STAN
                         But I have to know for sure. 

                                     RANDY
                          Don't be silly, Stan. You don't wanna 
                         go through life without one of your 
                         hands. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Maybe it's the hand I smoked that first 
                         joint with. Here I go. I'm gonna do 
                         it.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stan...

                                     STAN
                         Yes?

                                     RANDY
                         Uh... nothing. Go ahead.

                                     SHARON
                         Randy!

                                     STAN
                          AAAH! 

                                     RANDY
                         AAAHHH! Oh my God! Look!  What? His 
                         hand did disappear! He is you from the 
                         future!
 
                                     FUTURE STAN
                         Oh, Jesus Christ! Help me!

                                     STAN
                         That's weird, because I really didn't 
                         cut off my hand. It was fake.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uh..  Look, it was fake in the future, 
                         too. 
 
                                     SHARON
                         Looks like you'd better really watch 
                         out for marijuana, huh Stan?
 
               [Butters' house. Cartman stands with his crew behind him, their 
               work finished.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well Butters, I hope you like the work. 
                         I'm sure your parents will be plenty 
                         pissed off.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, and after my parents get angry, 
                         uh how do we get the poop off the walls?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ooo, ah, that's a different company. 
                          Oh! Someone's here! We'd better run 
                         out the back! Pepite! Carlos! ­¡Vamonos!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh but Cartman! Wait!  Oh Christmas! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, Stan!

                                     STAN
                         Butters, we've go-! Oh, God, it smells 
                         in here.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of 
                         poop isn't gonna smell like a garden.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Butters, we're running away!

                                     BUTTERS
                         We are?

                                     STAN
                         Our parents are never gonna admit what 
                         they did was wrong, and they're never 
                         gonna change! 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         What the hell is this?!

                                     LINDA
                         Oh my God, our house!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh Geez, ah, I'm gonna get it now
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                          Butters! Do you have an explanation 
                         for this?!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, not really sir, I just uh...

                                     LINDA
                         Wait a minute. Chris, don't you see? 
                         This might be our fault.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         What, uh-? My God. You're right, Linda. 
                         This is what we get for deceiving our 
                         son.
 
                                     STAN
                          Huh?

                                     CHRIS
                         Butters, listen. The whole future self 
                         thing, well, it was a dirty fib.
 
                                     LINDA
                         We just so desperately wanted you to 
                         never try drugs that we used a big scare 
                         tactic instead of ...telling you the 
                         truth.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         We though the ends justified the means, 
                         but they don't. They just... don't, 
                         son! 
 
                                     LINDA
                         We're sorry, baby. 

                                     STAN
                         Get the fuck out of here. 

                                     RANDY
                         Stan! Stan! Oh. Okay, uh, you you might 
                         be wondering why Butters has a future 
                         self, too.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Yes, well, eh you see, son, the time 
                         matrix pulled in more people from the 
                         future.
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw, stop it, you guys! I know all about 
                         Motivation Corp.! All I've been trying 
                         to get you guys to do is admit that 
                         you lied to me!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh... Well... Son, we've just been trying 
                         to make sure you know how dangerous 
                         drugs like pot are.
 
                                     STAN
                         I've been told a lot of things about 
                         pot, but I've come to find out a lot 
                         of those things aren't true! So I don't 
                         know what to believe!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably 
                         isn't gonna make you kill people, and 
                         ...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, 
                         but... Well son, pot makes yuu feel 
                         fine with being bored and... It's when 
                         you're bored that you should be learning 
                         some new skill or discovering some new 
                         science or... being creative. If you 
                         smoke pot you may grow up to find out 
                         that you aren't good at anything.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I really, really wish you just would 
                         have told me that from the beginning.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         He's right. If we use lies and exaggerations 
                         to keep kids off drugs, then they're 
                         never gonna believe anything we tell 
                         them
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, there's only one person I can 
                         blame. Motivation Corp.!
 
               [Outside Motivation Corp., day. Randy, Sharon, Stan, and Cartman 
               look at the building and listen at the voices coming out of it]
 
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Oh God, who smeared crap all over our 
                         walls?! Oh Jesus, it smells! Oh!
 
                                     RANDY
                         You really did a nice job, Eric. 

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I gotta admit. You really came 
                         through. Thank you. I thought the hangover 
                         black went really nice in the lobby.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well here, Eric, I baked you a huge 
                         box of cookies as a present.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thanks. But you know, all this talk 
                         about future selves has made me think, 
                         maybe I should ...take better care of 
                         myself. I mean, maybe I should think 
                         about who I'm going to become.
 
                                     FUTURE CARTMAN
                          Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right 
                         choice.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who the hell are you?

                                     FUTURE CARTMAN
                         Haha, it's me, Cartman! You from the 
                         future.  I came back to tell you that 
                         this is the day you turn it all around. 
                         You stop eating junk food and you start 
                         studying harder, you stay away from 
                         drugs and alcohol and you become CEO 
                         of your own time-travel company!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh wow, really? That's so awesome! 
                         Now I'll really work to be successful!
 
                         
                                     FUTURE CARTMAN
                         Right on!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Go have sex with yourself, asshole! 
                         I'm not that stupid! Just for that, 
                         I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating 
                         what I waunt, and doin' drugs when I 
                         waunt!  Whatevuh! I'll do what I waunt!
 
                         
                                     FUTURE CARTMAN
                         No, wait!  Oh, God-damnit!

               THE END

My Future Self N' Me



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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