The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Jackie Brown10/10
Usual Suspects, The7/10
Usual Suspects, The10/10
Social Network, The8/10
Rushmore8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 509


                           "OSAMA BIN LADEN HAS FARTY PANTS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Bus stop, day. The four boys stand at the bus stop waiting for 
               the bus. Each of them wears a gas mask. The boys are silent.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         :	...Remember when life used to be simple 
                         and cool?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Not really.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Uh, hey!  How's it goin', fellas?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         :	Butters, what the hell are you doing?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh, well, I'm just standin' around 
                         bein' a kid. Why? How come you're all 
                         wearing those spooky spaceman masks?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         These are gas masks, Butters!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! If you don't have a gas mask, 
                         you're gonna get smallpox or anthrax!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         What?!  Oh, Jesus! I don't wanna get 
                         the 'thrax, fellas! Uh, what do I do?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         There's nothing you can do except stop 
                         breathing.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Stop breathin'?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, you can't get it if you don't 
                         breathe.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well. Alright, then. 

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well okay. Next?  Next?  Let's see: 
                         Hotties, Juicy, Whoppers...  Okay, next? 
                          A-ha! What the hell are you doin' with 
                         this?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Those are my Hootie Owlie Round-Tip 
                         Scissors.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         These are a weapon! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Awww, come onnn! How am I gonna kill 
                         people with those?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I'll think of a way. Now move along!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         God-damnit! 

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Alright, next!  Okay, clear. 

               [South Park Elenentary, morning. Along with the regular flag 
               on the flagpole, a larger flag is draped over the front of the 
               school, covering some second-story windows and the center of 
               the school sign. Inside, the kids filter into class and drop 
               off their gas masks along the wall. The door has been fitted 
               with an industrial lock. Butters enters and locks the door]
 
               
                                     TWEEK
                          Oh, Jesus, man! They're gonna get me! 
                          Oh Christ!  they might - couild get 
                         me.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright class, as some of you may have 
                         heard, the President has asked that 
                         American children all send one dollar 
                         to the children of Afghanistan.  So 
                         I have a list of addresses and we're 
                         goin' to all chip in.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         HA! I'm not giving a dollar to those 
                         towelheads!
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Eric, the Afghan people need our help!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I'm sorry, but I though we were 
                         at war with these assholes!
 
                                     WENDY
                         We're at war with terrorists, fatass, 
                         not with Afghanistan, and the only reason 
                         that you care is that you don't wanna 
                         give up the dollar!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That dollar buys me a chocolate milk 
                         for lunch! What, do you want me to just 
                         get a regular milk for ten cents?  Now 
                         look, it isn't our fault that terrorists 
                         hate us. We're just kids. We're not 
                         the ones bombing them now, we're- we're 
                         jsut kids.  There's a lot of crazy stuff 
                         goin' on in the world, but, we're caught 
                         in the middle. It's not our fault.
 
                         
                                     WENDY
                         The Afghan kids are caught in the middle, 
                         too!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, but they're sand monkeys!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright, children, we are all sending 
                         a dollar to the kids in Afghanistan! 
                         That's it! End of discussion!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          God-damnit, I hate regular milk!!!
 
                         
               [Afghanistan, day. Adults mill around as fighter planes fly by 
               and bomb a few buildings. Two boys enter from the left and face 
               the camera. They begin to talk in a strange language. Two other 
               boys appear, and it's apparent these boys are the counterparts 
               to the boys in South Park. The one who looks overdressed has 
               a goat. After what sounds like introductions, they move off to 
               play some basketball at a nearby makeshift ball court. The boy 
               who was the first to speak gives the ball to his friend, the 
               second to speak. The friend shoots the basket, but a bomb falls 
               on the backboard, launching the ball away from the court and 
               destroying the backboard and pole]
 
                                     AFGHAN BOYS
                         :	Awww!

               [the Kyle counterpart says something about seeing a film, then 
               the four move off to their right. They pay for their tickets 
               and head for the doors. A bomb falls on the theater and blows 
               it up]
 
               Awww!

               [the Stan and Kyle counterparts talk to each other a bit, then 
               head for a two-story building. They stop at the front door and 
               a fighter plane drops a bomb on the building. Only the door remains]
 
               
               Awww!

               [The Marsh house, day. The garage has a large flag draping the 
               door. Inside, on the living room couch. Sharon is lying there 
               covered with blankets and watching TV. On the floor around the 
               sofa are bowls, candles, food, and other items. Sharon hasn't 
               been off that couch in a while.]
 
                                     REPORTER
                          Another high-alert status for terrorists 
                         activity this weekend.  The government 
                         said "bad things are likely to happen." 
                          Meanwhile, the world continues to back 
                         down from their support of the United 
                         States  saying that they were really 
                         only kidding to begin with.
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey Mom, door bell's ringin'.

                                     SHARON
                         Can huh get th'ere 'or me? 

                                     RANDY
                          Hey, Sharon? Maybe you should stop 
                         watchin' the news for a little bit? 
                          Shu- Sharon, you've been watching CNN 
                         for about ah... eight weeks now. Don't 
                         you wanna watch somethin' else?  Shu-shu-sharon? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, look at what the postman brought 
                         me! It's a big brown package from Afghanistan!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Weh, that's nahice.

                                     STAN
                         We sent the Afghani kids some dollars 
                         - they must have sent us something cool 
                         in return!  Do you have some scissors 
                         to get this open?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stanely, your mother's a little freaked 
                         out right now. Why don't you go play 
                         with your big brown package from Afghanistan 
                         outside?
 
                                     STAN
                         :	Well alright. 

                                     RANDY, SHARON
                         Big brown package from Afghanistan??!!
 
                         
               [The Marsh house, night. Paramedics, fire trucks, the SWAT team, 
               and the FBI are all there. Two klieg lights shine on the package 
               as two Hazmat men approach the package. A crowd of residents 
               looks on. Stan, Cartman and Kenny watch from the front.]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, what's going on?

                                     STAN
                         We got a package from the kids we sent 
                         dollars to. They sent us something back.
 
                         
                                     HAZMAT MAN
                          Prelims show negative, sir.

                                     OFFICIAL
                         Then we're gonna have to blow it!

                                     TWO SWAT MEN
                          Yes sir!! 

                                     TWEEK
                         AAHH! This is it, man! It's over!

                                     RICHARD
                         Tweek, calm down. Have some coffee. 
                         
 
                                     OFFICIAL
                         Open! 

                                     GOAT
                         Mma-a-a-a-a-a-a. 

                                     STAN
                         Oh, it's just a goat. 

                                     PEOPLE
                         Oohhh.

                                     BLOND MAN
                         Look, it's a goat.

                                     MAN 1
                         Awww.

                                     BRUNET MAN
                         A precious goat.

                                     GOAT
                         Ba-a-a-a-a. 

                                     STAN
                          Hey there, little guy.

                                     OFFICIAL
                          Stay away from it! Terrorists could 
                         have given that goat anthrax or smallpox 
                         before sending it over! Johnson!!  Check 
                         the goat for diseases!
 
                                     JOHNSON
                         Yes sir!  The goat seems to be clean, 
                         sir!
 
                                     STAN
                         I told you: those Afghan kids just wanted 
                         to give us something back for giving 
                         them four dollars.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, four dollars for a goat? We got 
                         ripped off.
 
                                     OFFICIAL
                         Alrioght, men, this area is secure. 
                         Let's head out! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well what are we supposed to do with 
                         it?
 
                                     GOAT
                         Ba-a-a-a-a.

                                     STAN
                         :	Yu- you're gonna have to take it home 
                         with you, Kyle.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, my mom won't even let me have 
                         a hamster.
 
                                     STAN
                         Kenny?

                                     KENNY
                         (No fuckin' way, dude!)

                                     STAN
                         My parents will never let me keep a 
                         goat
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I guess we're gonna have to kill 
                         it.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, we're not gointa kill it, Cartman! 
                         We'll just have to  take the return 
                         address and mail it back to the kids 
                         in Afghanistan. Come on, goat. 
 
                                     GOAT
                         Ba-a-a-a-a.

               [Downtown South Park, night. All building windows have flags 
               draped behind them, and some of the walls have flags on them 
               as well. The post office hs two flags on wall-mounted poles. 
               The last postal worker closes up for the night as the boys approach]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Uh oh, they're closing!

                                     STAN
                         Excuse me, we wanna overnight this goat 
                         to Afghanistan, please?
 
                                     POSTMAN
                         Excuse me?

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't 
                         stay here, or else it'll choke on the 
                         sweet air of freedom.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     POSTMAN
                         Afghanistan?  H-I'm sorry boys, but 
                         our planes aren't flying there.
 
                                     STAN
                         They're not.

                                     GOAT
                         Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a.

                                     POSTMAN
                         The only planes goin' to Afghanistan 
                         are the military planes over at the 
                         base. I'm sorry. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Well yeah! The military planes. Come 
                         on, goat, we'll put you on one of them. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Stan, I don't think we're supposed 
                         to be in the military base. They might 
                         shoot us.
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't care! We're going!

                                     TOWELIE
                          Don't forget to bring a towel.

                                     THE BOYS
                         Aaagh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh no, not Towelie.

                                     TOWELIE
                         When goin' someplace new, you should 
                         always bring a towel.
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, thanks, Towelie. 

                                     TOWELIE
                         Do you wanna get high?

                                     CARTMAN
                          No, we don't wanna get high!!

                                     TOWELIE
                         You mean, you don't want Towelie around?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right!

                                     TOWELIE
                         So am I to understand that there's been 
                         a ...Towelie ban?... 
 
                                     THE BOYS
                          Awww!

                                     STAN
                         Goddamnit, get the hell out of here, 
                         Towelie!
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         Alright, see ya. 

               [The military base, night. Jeeps roll in as a batallion is assembled 
               in the parking lot. A large cargo plane receives the vehicles 
               and other cargo]
 
                                     GENERAL
                         Alright, troops, we depart for Afghanistan 
                         in five minutes! Let's move out!
 
                                     STAN
                          Alright, come on. We just gotta get 
                         the goat on one of these planes.
 
                                     SOLDIER 1
                          Isn't this exciting, Tony?  We're finally 
                         gonna see some action.
 
                                     TONY
                          Yeah, and uh, I hear that as soon as 
                         we land we get a USO show.
 
                                     SOLDIER 1
                         We do!  Stevie Nicks is goin' to perform.
 
                         
                                     TONY
                         Hoh, Stevie Nicks. Huh, I love her! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Okay, it's clear. Come on! 

                                     SOLDIER
                          Hey you!

                                     TONY
                          What the hell do you think you're doing 
                         here?!
 
                                     GOAT
                         ...Ba-a-a-a-a.

                                     TONY
                          H-uh, I'm sorry, Miss Nicks, uh.  Hey 
                         guys, this is Stevie Nicks. 
 
                                     SOLDIER 2
                         Oh wow!

                                     GOAT
                         ...Ma-a-a-a-a.

                                     SOLDIER 3
                         Uh, can I get a picture

                                     SOLDIER 4
                         Miss Nicks. Over here, Miss Nicks! 
 
                         
                                     GOAT
                         ...Ma-a-a-a-a.

                                     TONY
                         Oh... M- Miss Nicks, I... I don't wanna 
                         bother you, but... could you sing a 
                         quick Fleetwood Mac for us. Could ya?
 
                         
                                     OTHER SOLDIERS
                         Oh yeah. Please. Come on, come on. Please. 
                         Yeah.
 
                                     GOAT
                         ...Ma-a-a-a-a. Ma-a-a-a-a.

                                     SOLDIERS
                         Oh! No way! That was wild! That was 
                         great!
 
                                     SOLDIER 3
                         Wait till I tell my sister about this; 
                         she is gonna flip!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, uh, we've gotta get Miss Nicks 
                         on the plane to Afghanistan, guys.
 
                         
                                     TONY
                         Oh, can we just get a-

                                     STAN
                          Ah, sorry. Mss Nicks isn't answering 
                         any more questions.
 
                                     TONY
                         Oh, sure, we understand. Move along. 
                         
 
                                     SOLDIER 3
                         ...She looks great

                                     TONY
                         She looks great

               [Cargo plane, later. The boys walk up to the plane with the goat 
               and prepare to put in in the cargo hold. A side door is open, 
               with a ramp leading up to the hold]
 
                                     STAN
                         'K, let's put him on here. 

                                     GOAT
                          Ma-a-a-a-a.

                                     STAN
                          Shhh. There we go. You're gonna be 
                         okay, goat. You'll be back in Afghanistan 
                         in about 20 hours.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Stan, if you're finished having your 
                         tearful goodbye with the goat, we'd 
                         like to go now, please?
 
                                     PILOT
                         Alright, tango clear. 

                                     THE BOYS
                         Waaah!

                                     PILOT
                         Let's head out. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw, son of a bitch!

                                     KYLE
                          Hey, wait! There are children in here!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (Oh, shit, we're locked in.)

                                     GOAT
                          Ma-a-a-a-a.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, looks like we're going tooh... 
                         Afghanistan.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Going to Afghanistan? Locked in a small 
                         space for 20 hours? How could things 
                         get any worse? 
 
                                     BOYS
                         Awww! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Ee-hew-hoo!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh ho, you guys.

               [Afghanistan, next day. A cargo plane has landed and the camera 
               pans from the plane to the runway behind it. Another cargo plane 
               lands and rolls to a stop. The large cargo door drops down and 
               the soldiers file out marching]
 
                                     GENERAL
                         Welcome to Afghanistan, troops! Get 
                         your gear ready and report to the barracks 
                         at o-nine hundred!
 
                                     SOLDIERS
                         Sir yes sir! 

                                     KYLE
                         Oh God, it was horrible!

                                     STAN
                         Twenty hours!

                                     KENNY
                         (God-damn, it stinks like shit!)

                                     GOAT
                         Ma-a-a-a-a! 

                                     PILOT
                         What the hell?

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman farted in there! We had to breath 
                         it in for 20 hours!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It didn't smell that bad; you guys are 
                         overreacting.
 
                                     PILOT
                          I don't smiell any- boh! Oh God!  Hohhgh! 
                          Blagh!  Bleeaagghh 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, whatever!

                                     KYLE
                         You sonofabitch, Cartman!  You don't 
                         fart when you're locked in a small space 
                         with other people! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I'm sorry! Next time I'll just ask 
                         my fart nicely if it wouldn't mind staying 
                         tucked away for a while!
 
                                     STAN
                          Alright alright, let's just get the 
                         goat back to his home!  We have to find 
                         this address. 
 
                                     GOAT
                         Ma-a-a-a-a.

               [A large city in Afghanistan, day. Could be Kabul. Plenty of 
               large building and roads abound, but they all look rundown or 
               beat down - this is a city in decay. The boys walk through the 
               city]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God, what a craphole, dude! This is 
                         like East Denver! Jesus Chru-heist!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, no wonder terrorists come from 
                         places like this! If I grew up here, 
                         I'd be pissed off, too!
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey look! There's a taxi! 

                                     PERFORMER
                          Haa-aa-aa. 

                                     STAN
                          Hello. We need to go...  here. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What is this? The freakin' Flintstones?
 
                         
               [The home of the Afghan boys. The taxi pulls up and drops the 
               South Park boys off, then goes away. The boys approach the door]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Is this the right house?

                                     STAN
                         I think so. 

                                     AKMARH
                          Shomot chizimi frushi?

                                     STAN
                         A-ah, hi. We're from America.  Uh, we 
                         sent you the dollar? Uh, the four dollars? 
                         Yu, you sent us this goat?
 
                                     AKMARH
                         Goat? 

                                     GOAT
                         Ma-a-a-a-a.

                                     STAN
                         Here. Wu-we don't want it.

                                     AKMARH
                         Oh, you want something alse? All we 
                         had was the goat. Your country bombed 
                         everything else.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, dude, we're n- we're not ungrateful. 
                         It's just... none of us can keep the 
                         goat
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It was choking on the sweet air of freedom 
                         in America, so we brought it back to 
                         your crappy country. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh uh, and here.  Take this American 
                         flag as... a gift. 
 
                                     AFGHAN BOYS
                         Yaaay. 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, they told us in school that everyone 
                         but terrorists love America.
 
                                     FAT BOY
                         Huh! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What did you call us?!

                                     AKMARH
                         Your country is the evil empire! Your 
                         government wants to rule the world! 
                         But your values and your spirituality 
                         are in the guh-ter!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Then why did you send us the goat?
 
                         
                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         Because, in Afghanistan, we have pride. 
                         If you send us something, we must send 
                         something in return.
 
                                     AKMARH
                         It doesn't mean we don't still hate 
                         you. Now, get out of here! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey! Hey, open the door!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you! Jawas have no heart.

                                     KYLE
                         Jawas?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, sand people.

                                     STAN
                         How come they hate America so much? 
                         What the hell did we do?
 
                                     GOAT
                         Ma-a-a-a-a.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, we tried, dude. If anyone else 
                         in this craphole hates Americans, we'd 
                         better just leave the goat and get back 
                         to the plane!
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright.  Oh look, he's following us. 
                         It's so sad.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          God, I hate you so much, Stan!

                                     STAN
                         What?  Howdy. 

                                     KYLE
                         Um...  Greetings from Canada.  Well 
                         boys, it's aboot time we get to our 
                         hoose in Canada, isn't it?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey, what the hell are you talking about?! 
                          I'm not a god-damned Canadian, and 
                         neither are you!
 
                                     STAN
                          Cartman, you stupid asshole! 

                                     PROTESTER
                         ...Osama bin Laden! 

                                     KYLE
                         Good job, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, don't call me a Canadian! 

               [A cave in Afghanistan, day. "Not where Osama bin Laden is." 
               Guards stand outside keeping watch. Inside, six guards interrogate 
               the boys]
 
                                     STAN
                         You've gotta listen to me! We're not 
                         spies! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, I think I can explain everything. 
                         You see, my friend Stan here is an oversensitive 
                         animal lover. He's got a boner for this 
                         goat, a-
 
                                     VOICE
                         Amaar madmallah 

                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                          Oooo, alamalamalamalaah.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh crap, it's him!

                                     GOAT
                         Ma-a-a-a-a.

                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                          Amalama hamahamahama?  Una HAqa mala
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ogh! Dude, it's called deodorant, okay? 
                         It's not expensive.
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Haqaama hamahalahamahaqa.  U bataqataqaa 
                         maladala. Ameriqa la tabakabaka haka 
                         haqadaqadaqa  Haqahaqa, daaqadaqa!
 
                         
                                     CAMERAMAN
                         Aaaaand... cut! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, these people are insane.

               [The Marsh house, night. Sharon has resumed watching SNN on the 
               sofa]
 
                                     SNN REPORTER
                         ...as more and more case of terrorist-related 
                         AIDS continues to grow. And this just 
                         in: the Taliban has apparently taken 
                         American civilians as hostages. The 
                         Taliban has just released this videotape 
                         , in which it is clearly visible that 
                         they have indeed captured  Steivie Nicks. 
                         Miss Nicks appears to be in good spirits, 
                         though her whereabouts are unknown.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          Hey, Sh- Sharon? Ha- have you seen 
                         Stan in the last couple... days?
 
                                     SHARON
                          Yes. I just saw him.

                                     RANDY
                         Oh okay. 

               [Afghanistan, day. The general and his troops are watching the 
               same report]
 
                                     SNN REPORTER
                         With Stevie Nicks in captivity, the 
                         other members of Fleetwood Mac have 
                         been hidden so the Taliban can't get 
                         to them as well. 
 
                                     TONY
                         They... took Stevie Nicks?

                                     SOLDIER 2
                         Bastards! Heartless, gutless bastards!
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                         Alright men! Grab your guns and your 
                         Bibles! We are going to get Miss Nicks 
                         back!
 
                                     SOLDIERS
                          Hooray!!! 

               [The Afghan boys' home, at that moment]

                                     SNN REPORTER
                         :	The Taliban's video also shows what 
                         appears to be four American children 
                         in captivity, though they could just 
                         be French.
 
                                     AKMARH
                          We have to help them.

                                     FAT BOY
                         Do you say??

                                     AKMARH
                         They are not espies. They came to give 
                         us our goat back.
 
                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         Screw them! They are evil Americans!
 
                         
                                     AKMARH
                         I know! But if we don't help the innocent 
                         ones, then we are no better than the 
                         Americans are.
 
                                     FAT BOY
                         Help the Americans? That doesn't make 
                         sense.
 
                                     AKMARH
                         Dude, we are espeaking English right 
                         now. Does that make sense??
 
                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         :	Alright, let's go. 

                                     FAT BOY
                         Ehhh lohhh nuts!

               [Osama's cave, day. Inside, at table, the Taliban guards are 
               celebrating Osama's birthday. The guards and Osama wear party 
               hats]
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Aw, jihad, jihad.  Oh?  Oh, oh! Ameriqa 
                         haqa haqa! Dursha! Dapadapadapa!  Hulagugla 
                         hugagugahagahaa!
 
               [Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces engage 
               each other in combat.]
 
               [Inside Osama's cave. Osama is still giving orders]

                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Qubada durqaana Ameriqanab! Qubada durqaana- 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, what are you guys doing here?
 
                         
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         -alabalabaa

                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         Shh. We've come to save you.

                                     KYLE
                         But I thought you hate us.

                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         We do. 

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, where are you going??

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna go take care of this prick!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, he's crazy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         He's not crazy, he's an idiot. I know 
                         how to deal with these people. 
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         .A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mehah...  What's up, bin Laden?

                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durbadurba 
                         haq!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh oh, 5:30, time to pray.  Allah, Allah, 
                         m'heh
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Taba haqa??  Allah allah allah, allah 
                         hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh oh! Mmm-mm! 

               [Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces are 
               still fighting. The seven kids and the goat emerge from the cave]
 
               
                                     AKMARH
                         We will have to be quick! The Americans 
                         are attacking!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Where do we go? 

                                     AKMARH
                         Get down! 

                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         Oh Allah, Qosaiqe bono!

                                     AKMARH
                         Tol dayoos!  You... murdering Americaaans!!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hey, shut up, kid. America didn't start 
                         this war.
 
                                     AKMARH
                         America DID eh-start this war! They 
                         eh-started it YEARS ago, when they put 
                         their military bases on Muslim holy 
                         lands!
 
               [A forest near the cave, at that moment. Osama bin Laden slinks 
               around looking for Cartman. He stops next to a small bush. As 
               bin Laden looks around the bush skittles away, then stops. Bin 
               Laden sees the bush has moved and growls at it, aims his rifle, 
               and walks up to it - four steps. The bush moves again, then stops. 
               Bin Laden catches up in three steps. The bush moves again, then 
               bin Laden tales a step forward. The bush moves again, then bin 
               Laden tales another step forward. The bush leaps and bin Laden 
               holds it in mid-air as Cartman drops to the ground. We get a 
               view of the gun on Cartman's face from Cartman's perspective]
 
               
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                          Ramadan!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey look! An infidel! 

                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Wuut? Peitoqaba! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         So that's what this is all about?

                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Ishta fatwa open sesame!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Mmmm! Tastes like chicken. The ass 
                         of a chicken!
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Proila foqabam!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Woohoo! 

               [Outside Osama's cave, day. The fighting continues. Amid the 
               fighting, the general crosses the battlefield.]
 
                                     GENERAL
                         We're coming, Miss Nicks! Hang on!
 
                         
                                     GOAT
                         Ma-a-a-a! Ma-a-a-a!

               [Outside Osama's cave, day. The South Park boys line up opposite 
               the Afghan boys. Stan faces Akmarh, Kyle faces the boy in blue 
               vest.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right, I've had just about enough 
                         of this! They told us in school, and 
                         on TV, that most people in Pakistan 
                         and Afghanistan like America.
 
                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         And you believe it? It is not just the 
                         Taliban that hates America. Over a third 
                         of the world hates America!
 
                                     STAN
                         But why? Why does a third of the world 
                         hate us?
 
                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         Because, you don't realize that a third 
                         of the world hates you!!!
 
                                     STAN
                         :	 ...That doesn't make sense. You guys 
                         are just buttholes!
 
                                     AKMARH
                         You're butt-holes!

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         You're buttholes!

               [Outside Osama's cave, day. Osama and Cartman are now out in 
               the open desert. Osama resumes slinking around]
 
                                     FEMALE VOICE
                         Youhoo.

               [it's Cartman seated on a camel, dressed in a purple chador. 
               Bin laden takes one look and he goes nuts over what he sees. 
               His eyes bug out as he goes horizontal ]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Haduqaduqaduqa.  Huqadukadukadukaduuu. 
                         
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                          Oh bella, bella falafel. 

               Mi amore. Fatwa, fatwa. [Cartman holds up a sign with a screw 
               and a baseball on it, then puts it away. Bin Laden hops away, 
               then returns with a table, two chairs, two glasses and some wine, 
               and sets up a table for two. He sets the camel down on one chair 
               and sits on the other one opposite the camel. He then serves 
               up some glasses of wine]
 
               [Outside Osama's cave, day. The boys have moved away from the 
               cave entrance, and the fat Afghan boy has rejoined them. Beyond 
               them the two forces continue fighting]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you really think your civilization 
                         is better than ours?! You people play 
                         games by killing animals, and oppress 
                         women!
 
                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         It's better than a civilization that 
                         spends its time watching millionaires 
                         walk down the red carpet at the Emmys!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         ...He's got us there, dude. 

                                     TONY
                          I got her. I got Stevie Nicks. 

                                     GOAT
                         Me-e-e-eh.

               [Nearby... Osama's grinning widely at the camel. Cartman walks 
               up in a different costume - that of the fussy movie director.]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         There you are! Where have you been? 
                         We have another anti-American video 
                         to create! 
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Oh, dapidiuta ako. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hur-ry, get into wardrobe!  Oh hur-ry 
                         up, will you hur-ry?!  Oh, you look 
                         marvelous, dahling.
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                         Haqa hamahama.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on! The cameras are ready!  Alright, 
                         there we go. Let's roll cameras.  Oh, 
                         and here's your microphone. 
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                          Ogh. America adirqadirqa-  Uh ohhh.
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                         We've done it! The Taliban is destroyed!
 
                         
                                     SOLDIERS
                         Hoorayyy!!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow! I guess Cartman really did take 
                         care of them.
 
                                     OSAMA BIN LADEN
                          Terrorists is the craziest peoples. 
                         Eheeee! 
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         I got him! I got him!

                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         Well, it looks like the Taliban and 
                         bin Laden are finally out of power.
 
                         
                                     AKMARH
                         Yeup, you don't need us anymore. 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, wait a minute. You know, you guys 
                         should know one thing.  Most people 
                         in America are good people. We just 
                         try to live day by day, like you guys 
                         do. Maybe if you took some time to see 
                         all the great things about our country, 
                         you'd see... we're not so different 
                         after all.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     BOY IN BLUE VEST
                         That's fine. But we still hate you. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh... Well, I guess, maybe, someday, 
                         we can learn to... hate you too.
 
                                     AKMARH
                          Maybe. In time. 

                                     KYLE
                         I'm confused.

               [USO concert. The stage is set amid the pup tents and soldiers 
               clamor around in the audience. "VICTORY!" The general takes the 
               stage]
 
                                     GENERAL
                         Great job, troops! Once again we have 
                         killed our enemies!
 
                                     SOLDIER 5
                          Hooray!

                                     SOLDIER 6
                         Hooray! Yeah, we sure did!

                                     GENERAL
                         The world is now safe, thanks to you. 
                         And so now, as promised, here is Fleetwood 
                         Mac with Stevie Nicks!
 
                                     SOLDIERS
                         Whoa. Yeah. 

                                     FLEETWOOD MAC
                         Just like the wild winged bird sings 
                         a song-
 
               Stand back, she's singin'.

                                     GOAT
                         Maaa

                                     FLEETWOOD MAC
                         Baby

                                     GOAT
                         Maaa

                                     FLEETWOOD MAC
                         Babe

                                     GOAT
                         Maa-ha 

                                     STAN
                         Come on, let's go gat to the plane. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude! I almost thought those Afghani 
                         kids talked you into not liking America.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, dude. America may have some problems, 
                         but it's our home. Our team. And if 
                         you don't wanna root for your team, 
                         then you should get the hell out of 
                         the stadium.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     STAN
                          Go America.

                                     KYLE
                          Go America.  Go Broncos. 

                                     STAN
                          Yeah, go Broncos.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. 

               THE END

Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments


Internet Movie Script Database
Back to IMSDb





Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy