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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 107

                                        "PINKEYE"

                                            by

                          Matt Stone, Trey Parker & Philip Stark

                

               EXT. OUTER SPACE

               A large metal object drifts slowly through space.

               TITLE: MIR SPACE STATION

               INT. MIR SPACE STATION

               A Russian cosmonaut floats around inside the cockpit.

                                     COSMONAUT #1
                         Vlad nyet chakesfski. Bordat comrade 
                         daboolschnet.

               SUBTITLES: "Propulsion systems stable. No problems with MIR."

               Suddenly, a green-faced monster with 6 eyes pops out from 
               behind the control panel.

                                     MONSTER
                         Graah!!

                                     COSMONAUT
                         Aieeee!

               The monster removes its mask, revealing it is actually 
               Cosmonaut #2.

                                     COSMONAUT #2
                         Porchat! Vlidit shtadecht!

               SUBTITLES: "Gotcha! Happy Halloween!"

                                     COSMONAUT
                         Shtadt bodit but shtad!

               SUBTITLES: "You scared me you communist bastard!"

               A red light on the control panel starts to flash. Yet another 
               cosmonaut floats into frame.

                                     COSMONAUT #1
                         Uh... Shtool.

               SUBTITLES: "OH....CRAP"

                                     COSMONAUT #2
                         Schtool.

               SUBTITLES: "Crap!"

               EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

               The boys stand at the busstop.

               They say nothing, just stare forward and blink.

               Kyle sighs softly.

               Cartman sniffles. Then --

               SMACK!! The MIR Space Station drops from the sky and crushes 
               Kenny, killing him instantly.

                                     STAN
                         OH MY GOD! They killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is that thing?

                                     KYLE
                         It looks like a UFO!

                                     CARTMAN
                         There's no such thing as UFOs!

               Just then an ambulance pulls up. Two paramedics get out.

               The boys watch as the paramedics place Kenny's crushed body 
               into a plastic body bag.

                                     PARAMEDIC
                         Let's get him to the Morgue.

               They throw Kenny's body in the back, jump in the car and 
               drive away. The boys stand there for several seconds, 
               blinking. Then the school bus pulls up and they shuffle on.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, wait 'till you guys see my 
                         Halloween costume tomorrow! It kicks 
                         ass!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it can't be cooler than mine!

                                     STAN
                         Hey, man, we gotta get home and get 
                         our costumes ready!

               EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

               Clouds pass in front of the moon behind a creepy building 
               ominously nestled between two large hills and surrounded by 
               a huge graveyard.

               A large black bird swoops down and perches on a large sign 
               which reads: "SOUTH PARK Mortuary". The bird lets out a shrill 
               cry. Then it lets out a poop.

               INT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

               Kenny's dead body lies on an embalming table, surrounded by 
               tubes and medical instruments. The MORTICIAN and his ASSISTANT 
               stand nearby. On the wall behind them is a calendar which is 
               marked off up till the day "OCTOBER 30".

               The Assistant sets the bottle down on a nearby shelf. The 
               Mortician takes an IV needle and sticks it into Kenny.

                                     MORTICIAN
                              (Sighing)
                         You know... I think death is least 
                         funny when it happens to a child.

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Oh Yeah, I know what you mean.

               The Assistant pours some Worchestershire sauce onto a corn 
               dog and takes a bite.

                                     MORTICIAN
                         Marty, do you have to put that stuff 
                         on everything?

                                     ASSISTANT
                         I don't know. It just makes everything 
                         taste so... English!

                                     MORTICIAN
                         Well, let's let him drain.

               The Mortician and his Assistant leave the room. The syringe 
               drains Kenny's blood into a bucket.

               CREEPY MUSIC starts up as we see another tube which runs 
               embalming fluid into Kenny. We FOLLOW the tube up to a shelf, 
               past a row of bottles, up to a vat labeled "EMBALMING FLUID".

               We MOVE UP to see that on the shelf above the vat sits the 
               bottle of Worchestershire sauce. As the music gets LOUDER, 
               the bottle starts to rock back and forth.

               Suddenly, it FALLS over and begins to pour out into the vat 
               of embalming fluid!

               As the music reaches a CRESCENDO, Kenny's eyes pop open!

               EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

               The Mortician and his Assistant stand by the back door, 
               smoking cigarettes.

                                     MORTICIAN
                         So then the necrophiliac says, if 
                         this ain't a cadaver, then I...

               Kenny leaps onto the Mortician and clamps onto his head like 
               a velociraptor. A short melee ensues as Kenny claws and bites 
               both men and runs away.

                                     ASSISTANT
                              (holding his head)
                         God damn, that little turd bit me!

                                     MORTICIAN
                              (clutching his arm)
                         Me too!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - EVENING

               As CREEPY MUSIC plays, Kenny's zombie silhouette walks down 
               South Park avenue -- clouds drift in front of a bright, half 
               moon.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

               EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

               Kyle stands alone at the busstop, but we don't recognize 
               him. He is wearing a strange, furry mask.

               Stan walks up dressed as Raggedy Andy.

                                     KYLE
                         Ha ha! You look like a pansy!

                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                         What are you supposed to be?

                                     STAN
                         I'm Raggedy Andy.

                                     KYLE
                              (Laughing)
                         Why the hell did you dress up like 
                         Raggedy Andy, dude?!

                                     STAN
                         Wendy's going as Raggedy Anne. And 
                         she said this way we'd win the costume 
                         contest for sure.

                                     KYLE
                         No way, dude. I'm gonna win the 
                         costume contest with this sweet 
                         Chewbacca costume!

                                     STAN
                         Wendy said that first prize is two 
                         tons of candy!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, Cool!

               Just then Cartman walks up dressed as Hitler.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey dudes.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman... What kind of costume is 
                         that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's Adolph Hitler costume. SIEG 
                         HIEL!! SIEG HIEL!!!

                                     STAN
                         Where'd you get that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom made it. Isn't it Cool?

                                     KYLE
                         NO IT'S NOT COOL!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you supposed to be, Stan? 
                         Howdy Doody?

                                     STAN
                         No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh. Wow, you look pretty cool.

               Long pause... Then Cartman and Kyle laugh loudly.

                                     KYLE
                         Sissy

                                     STAN
                         I'll kick your ass, Kyle!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh look out! Holly Hobby is all pissed 
                         off!!

               Kenny walks up. One of his ribs juts out. Dark circles ring 
               his eyes. He looks like a Zombie.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey look, Kenny's not dead.

               Kenny slouches a little more.

                                     STAN
                         You forgot to wear a costume Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         Yea, what's the matter? Couldn't 
                         your family afford a costume for 
                         you?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, why is your family so poor, 
                         Kenny.

               Kenny remains silent.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny's family is so poor, that 
                         yesterday they had to put their 
                         cardboard box up for a second 
                         mortgage.

               The boys laugh and wait for a smart ass comeback from Kenny, 
               but Kenny just stands there.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Agitated)
                         I said your family had to put a 
                         cardboard box up for a second 
                         mortgage!! Kenny!!!

               No response.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm talking to you, Kenny! Achtung!! 
                         Poor piece of crap.

               The school bus pulls up.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Come on, we're running late!

                                     STAN
                         Ah, we're ALWAYS running late you 
                         ugly skank.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         WHAT DID YOU SAY?

                                     STAN
                         I said I can't wait to own a fishing 
                         tank.

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Oh... neither can I.

               INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

               The Mortician and his Assistant sit on a little hospital 
               bed. The DOCTOR uses his stethoscope on their chests. The 
               Assistant moans softly.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Very interesting...

                                     MORTICIAN
                         What is it Doc?

               The Doctor takes the stethoscope out of his ears.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, your temperature is only 55 
                         degrees, you have no pulse, no 
                         heartbeat, and your eyes are all 
                         puffy and sticky.

                                     MORTICIAN
                         Oh, no. You mean...

                                     DOCTOR
                         Yea, I'm afraid the two of you have 
                         pink eye.

               The Mortician and his Assistant gasp.

                                     DOCTOR
                         I'd give you topical medicine but I 
                         don't want to touch you.

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Oh I'm so hungry and all I can think 
                         about eating is is... BRAINS!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Yeah, well, for God's sake don't 
                         touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some 
                         antibiotics.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               The boys walk into the classroom.

                                     KYLE
                         Just wait till everyone sees my sweet 
                         Chewbacca costume! They're gonna be 
                         so jealous --

               The boys walk in and see:

               The entire class is dressed up like Chewbacca.

                                     STAN
                         Whoa dude!

                                     KYLE
                              (Incredulous)
                         EVERYONE came as Chewbacca?

                                     MR. GARRISON (O.S.)
                         It sure does seem to be a popular 
                         costume this year Kyle.

               The boys turn to see MR. GARRISON dressed up like MARILYN 
               MONROE. He lifts up his hands to reveal MR. HAT, who is 
               dressed as Chewbacca.

                                     MR. HAT
                              (WOOKIE GROWL)

               Kyle removes his mask and throws it down.

                                     KYLE
                         Dammit!

                                     STAN
                         Wendy?

               The Chewbacca next to Stan takes off it's mask to reveal 
               that it's WENDY.

                                     WENDY
                         Hi Stan.

                                     STAN
                         You said we were going to be Raggedy 
                         Anne and Andy, remember?

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah.

                                     STAN
                         We were going to enter the costume 
                         contest as a pair!

                                     WENDY
                         I know, but then... I guess I just 
                         realized how stupid we would look.

               Stan blinks.

                                     STAN
                         You WHAT?!!

                                     WENDY
                         I thought you would reach the same 
                         conclusion, so I came as Chewbacca.

               Stan slams his head down on his desk.

                                     KID #1
                         Hey Stan, you look almost pretty 
                         enough to kiss.

                                     KID #2
                         Yeah, you want to be my girlfrind?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You see? All of a sudden my costume 
                         is pretty bad ass, huh?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, dressing up like Hitler is NOT 
                         bad ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're just jealous. Why don't you 
                         go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie!

                                     KYLE
                         Wookies don't live on Endor!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Mimicing him)
                         Mama ma mi mo momo!

                                     KYLE
                         At least my mom's not on the cover 
                         of Crack Whore Magazine!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? What did you say?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas 
                         take your seats.

               The boys sit down.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Children, since today is Halloween, 
                         I thought we should learn something 
                         about the great horror writer Jackie 
                         Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins 
                         first wrote her novel..

               Kenny's arm falls off and hits the floor.

                                     WENDY
                         Ew!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Is there a problem Kenny? Let's try 
                         to keep our hands and arms to 
                         ourselves, okay?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm never going to win that 2 tons 
                         of candy looking like everyone else!

               EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               Ms. Cartman decorates the exterior of the house with Halloween 
               paraphernalia. It is already covered with plastic pumpkins, 
               skeletons, witches, vampires, graphic scenes from car crashes 
               and photos of mutilated bodies.

               She hums happily as she hangs a photo of President Nixon.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Oh, I'm gonna decorate the house for 
                         Halloween, With scary ghosts and 
                         bats and creepy crawly things.

               Just then the Mortician and his Assistant walk by, looking 
               completely Zombified.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Hello there! Happy Halloween!

                                     MORTICIAN
                         Must... eat... brains... brains...

               Another Townsperson walks past them and bumps into the 
               Mortician.

               The Mortician and his Assistant immediately rip into the 
               Townsperson and gnaw on his head. The Townsperson SCREAMS 
               like a banshee.

               Ms. Cartman continues to decorate, singing to herself happily.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                              (Singing)
                         It's the most wonderful time of the 
                         year...

               INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

               The boys eat lunch.

                                     KYLE
                         I'm gonna make a new costume during 
                         recess. I can STILL win that candy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your 
                         pudding?

               Kenny sits there slumped over.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (in a different voice)
                         No, Eric, go ahead and take my pudding 
                         if you like.
                              (normal voice)
                         Why thank you, Kenny, how nice of 
                         you!

               Cartman takes Kenny's pudding.

                                     KYLE
                         Aren't you hungry Kenny?

                                     STAN
                         He hasn't moved an inch or said 
                         anything.

               CHEF approaches wearing a red white and blue jumpsuit.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello children!

                                     BOYS
                         Hey Chef.

               Chef stops when he sees Cartman's costume.

                                     CHEF
                         What in the hell are you doing dressed 
                         up like that?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (mouth full)
                         Eating Kenny's pudding.

               PRINCIPAL VICTORIA approaches.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Hello there, children. Oh, love the 
                         Elvis costume, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Elvis? I'm Evil Knieval! Why the 
                         hell would I dress up like Elvis?

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Why the hell would you dress up like 
                         Evil Knieval? Anyway, I hope that 
                         you kids are --

               She stops when she sees Cartman's costume.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         AAAGH!! Eric! God bless it. What do 
                         you think you're doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, he SAID I could have his pudding! 
                         Ask him yourself!

               Kenny drools.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (in a different voice)
                         That's right Principal Victoria, 
                         it's okay with me 'cause Eric is 
                         cool.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Where did you get that costume young 
                         man?

                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom made it.
                              (loudly)
                         SEIG HIEL!! SEIG HIEL!!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         SHUSH!!
                              (Panicking)
                         Oh, God bless America. You get into 
                         my office before anyone else sees 
                         you! I have to show you an educational 
                         video!

               She drags Cartman away from the table. He squeals like a 
               hungry pig.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Squueeee!! I don't want to see an 
                         educational video.

               Kenny leans over and bites into Clyde's arm -- CHOMP!

               Clyde SCREAMS in agony.

                                     CLYDE
                         OWWW! You bit my arm.

                                     STAN
                         Oh Good! Kenny's back to normal!

               INT. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA'S OFFICE - DAY

               Cartman sits in a tiny chair opposite the Principal's desk, 
               watching a video monitor.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Watch the video Eric.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Adolf Hitler was a very, very naughty 
                         man.

               The image on the TV becomes one of those famous shots from 
               WW2 footage of Hitler addressing a mass of Nazis.

                                     HITLER
                         Sfinen! Loobin der Bruce Leeben! Ala 
                         mencian verden brooder! Tauchter aus 
                         elisium! Ala mention vereden brooder 
                         vaus de modem stragal tout!

               Cartman's smile grows. He seems impressed and intrigued.

               He looks closely at the screen, but now the image of Hitler 
               has been replaced by Cartman on the stage.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Juden est forbideen! Est una scrava 
                         uts cafiga hoda!!

                                     HITLER
                         Juden est forbideen! goddamit!

               Now a little Smokey Bear type creature steps in front of the 
               camera.

                                     SMOKEY BEAR
                         So remember kids, dressing up like 
                         Hitler in school isn't cool.

               These words appear across the screen as Smokey Bear says 
               them. Principal Victoria shuts the TV off.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Now, do you have any questions?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Can I see that again? That was cool!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         You must remove that costume 
                         immediately!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't, I have to win those two 
                         tons of candy.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well how about we make you a new 
                         costume? Let's see now...

               She looks around the office and spots a white sheet on a 
               shelf.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Aha! Though of something. How about 
                         we make you a nice scary ghost 
                         costume?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (whiny)
                         I don't wanna be a stupid scary ghost!

               ANGLE ON: Principal Victoria, as she throws the sheet over 
               Cartman and starts SNIPPING away with a pair of scissors.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                              (as she works)
                         And lemme just make a few quickie 
                         alterations and... there you go young 
                         man!

               FULL SHOT OF CARTMAN, WHO NOW LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE KLANSMAN 
               IN HIS WHITE ROBE AND HOOD.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK

               The Mortican Zombie and his Assistant Zombie-walk down the 
               street.

               They come across a pair of Joggers.

                                     JOGGER #1
                         Ooh, looks like they got a touch of 
                         that pink eye that's going around...

               The Zombies attack the joggers. The Joggers SCREAM 
               horrifically.

               INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

               The gym is decorated for Halloween. A large banner reads 
               'Costume Contest!'.

               The Chewbacca children all stand in line. At the end are KKK 
               Cartman, Stan (still as Raggedy Andy) and Zombie Kenny.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Boo! I'm a ghost!

                                     STAN
                         Oh man, I feel like a total chode.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh c'mon Stan. Maybe that's just 
                         because you LOOK like a total chode.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello, children.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey Chef.

               Chef turns around and JUMPS when he sees Cartman.

                                     CHEF
                         AHH!!

               Chef runs away.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts 
                         huh!

                                     STAN
                         Hey, where's Kyle?

               Just then, the gym doors fly open and Kyle walks in wearing 
               a HUGE solar system costume.

                                     KYLE
                         Check THIS out!

                                     STAN
                         Whoa, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What is that?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm the whole solar system!! The 
                         planets even all revolve the right 
                         way! That tub of candy is as good as 
                         mine!

               Mr. Garrison tweets on a little whistle.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay children, let's get you lined 
                         up so the judge can get a good look 
                         at your stupid little costumes.

               The kids line up.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Children, this year we have a 
                         celebrity judge. The star of 'Family 
                         Ties'... Miss Tina Yothers!

               Tina Yothers prances out on stage. The kids are unimpressed.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Who?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I thought she was dead.

                                     STAN
                         Yea, me too.

               Tina Yothers approaches Mr. Garrison and hands him an 
               envelope.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thank you, Miss Yothers.

               Mr. Garrison opens the envelope.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, The Second Place award for 
                         best costume goes to... Kenny, for 
                         his Edward James Olmos costume!

               Tina Yothers pins a red ribbon on Kenny. He drools.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And the award for the Very Best 
                         Costume goes to....

               Kyle's eyes widen.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         WENDY! For her Chewbacca costume!

               Wendy walks past all the other identical Chewbaccas and 
               receives the blue ribbon.

                                     KYLE
                         WHAT?! But she looks just like 
                         everybody else!

               Wendy receives her two tons of candy.

                                     KYLE
                         Up yours Tina Yothers!!!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And the award for the WORST costume 
                         this year goes to... STAN for his 
                         stupid little clown thing costume.

               Let's all point at Stan and laugh children.

               Everybody points and laughs at Stan.

               Wendy stands next to Stan.

                                     STAN
                              (muttering)
                         Thanks a lot, Wendy. You RUINED my 
                         Halloween!

                                     WENDY
                         Relax Stan, You'll feel better once 
                         we're out trick or treating.

               Stan can't believe it. He looks bitch-slapped.

                                     STAN
                         I don't want to trick or treat with 
                         you! You lied to me!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children let's all gather around 
                         and bob for stupid apples now.

               The kids gather around a large barrel of water.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You go first bebe...

               Bebe steps up and dunks her head in the water.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's good, just use those mouth 
                         muscles like the girls in Beijing.

               Just then, a little zombie Clyde steps up next to zombie 
               Kenny.

                                     CLYDE
                         Brains...

               Clyde dunks his head in after Bebe's head. Bebe screams in 
               pain.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wait your turn, Clyde!!

               EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DUSK

               Chef walk up to his house with a bag of groceries under his 
               arm. He pulls out his keys, when suddenly --

               BAM!! A townsperson, JOHNSON, throws himself against the 
               door. He is a Zombie.

                                     JOHNSON
                         ARRGGHH!!!

                                     CHEF
                         AGH!!

               Chef drops his groceries.

                                     CHEF
                         Damn, Johnson, what the hell's gotten 
                         into you?

                                     JOHNSON
                         Piiinnnkkk... eyyeee...

               Johnson lunges at Chef. Chef dodges and unlocks the front 
               door.

                                     CHEF
                         Get the hell out of here, Johnson! I 
                         don't want no God damn pink eye!

               Chef goes inside and slams the door shut.

               INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER

               Chef sits in front of the TV, squeezing one of those 
               handmuscle things.

               ANGLE: TELEVISION

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         ...and the President responded to 
                         the incident by saying, quote, "Screw 
                         those commie bastards, and screw 
                         their little wussy space station".

               The Anchorman turns to another camera.

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         In other news, a pink eye epidemic 
                         is now sweeping the town of South 
                         Park. Here with a live report is a 
                         midget wearing a bikini.

               A midget wearing a bikini stands in front of South Park 
               avenue.

                                     REPORTER
                         Thanks, Tom. Already more than half 
                         of the townspeople here in South 
                         Park have been infected with the 
                         pink eye virus.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               Footage of townspeople walking around lik Zombies, arms 
               outstretched, attacking people and eating their brains.

                                     REPORTER
                         Symptoms include a complete loss of 
                         heart functions, blood pressure, 
                         lung activity, and of course, sticky, 
                         puffy eyes.

               Chef puts down the remote control.

                                     CHEF
                         Pink eye my ass! I've seen this kind 
                         of thing before...

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

               Stan and Cartman stand on the sidewalk, ready to trick or 
               treat.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Where the hell is Kyle? We don't 
                         have all night to wait for him!

                                     STAN
                         I bet I get more candy than you, 
                         dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Are you crazy? I'm the Candy Master!

                                     STAN
                         No no, you're the ASS Master. There's 
                         a difference.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, I'm not the one who walked around 
                         all day looking like Pippi 
                         Longstockings!

                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah?! Well, at least MY mom's 
                         not on the cover of Crack Whore 
                         Magazine!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         God Dammit! My mom is NOT on the 
                         cover of Crack whore magazine!!!

               Kyle walks in dressed as a little vampire.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey dudes.

                                     STAN
                         Oh good you're here. Now, let's make 
                         sure we've got everything. Flashlight?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Check.

                                     STAN
                         Plastic pumpkin pails?

                                     KYLE
                         Check.

                                     STAN
                         Tazer?

                                     KYLE
                         What's that?

                                     STAN
                         For shocking people who try to give 
                         us granola treats or something.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, granola pisses me off!

               Kenny approaches, looking completely Zombified.

                                     STAN & KYLE
                         Hey Kenny.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whew! You stink, Kenny!

               The boys consider him for a moment.

                                     KYLE
                         You STILL didn't get a costume, Kenny?

               Kenny doesn't respond.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying 
                         job or else Kenny's dad would be a 
                         millionaire!

               Kenny doesn't respond.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I said YOUR DAD WOULD BE A 
                         MILLIONAIRE!! KENNY!!! Kenny your 
                         family is poor!! Kenny your family's 
                         poor!!!

               No response.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To Stan)
                         I don't like Kenny anymore. He just 
                         doesn't communicate.

               The boys start to walk away. Just then, Wendy shows up.

                                     WENDY
                         Hi guys.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hi Wendy.

                                     STAN
                              (Sarcastic)
                         How's your barrel full of candy, 
                         Wendy?

                                     WENDY
                         Oh, I didn't want all that sweet 
                         stuff. I gave it away to hungry 
                         children in Narobi.

                                     CARTMAN
                         YOU WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?!

                                     WENDY
                         Let's go trick or treats!

                                     STAN
                         I don't think so, Wendy. I think 
                         you've had enough candy for one day!

                                     WENDY
                         Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed 
                         up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't 
                         be mad.

                                     CARTMAN
                         How can he be mad with such pretty 
                         hair and rosy cheeks?

                                     STAN
                         Trick or treat with yourself, Wendy!

                                     WENDY
                         But Stan.

                                     STAN
                         No buts Wendy, I wish you were dead!

               The boys walk away. Wendy looks sad. She stands there alone, 
               when suddenly a shadow looms over her. Wendy turns around 
               and screams.

                                     WENDY
                         AAAGGHHH!!!!

               INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

               Chef rushes into the office, where the Doctor is examining a 
               patient.

                                     CHEF
                         Doctor!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Why hello Chef. Let me guess -- pink 
                         eye, right?

                                     CHEF
                         No, Doctor! I've seen this type of 
                         thing before...

               Chef pulls the Doctor aside.

                                     CHEF
                         This ain't no pink eye... It's THE 
                         LIVING DEAD!

                                     DOCTOR
                         What the hell are you talking about?

                                     CHEF
                         Think about it! Dead people getting 
                         up and walking around... and Tina 
                         Yothers comes to town! Coincidence? 
                         Oh I don't think so!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Chef, I think maybe the pink eye has 
                         made you a little delirious. Let me 
                         give you some topical cream --

                                     CHEF
                         Damnit! Don't you see? These people 
                         have been Zombified! They got no 
                         heartbeat, no feeling... I'll show 
                         you.

               Chef goes over to the patient and rips off his arm. Blood 
               spews everywhere as the patient SCREAMS in agony.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Uh Mr. Torres was here for a routine 
                         checkup, Chef.

               Mr. Torres collapses to the ground.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh. Sorry. But my point is that 
                         topical cream ain't gonna fix what's 
                         wrong here!

                                     DOCTOR
                         Hey... Hey now, there have been a 
                         lot of incredible advances in topical 
                         creams over the last few years!

               The patient passes out from loss of blood.

                                     CHEF
                         Doctor, who was the first person to 
                         come in here with the sickness?

                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, it was the Mortician and his 
                         assistant at the Morgue yea.

               Just then four Zombies burst into the office!!

                                     CHEF
                         AAGHHH!!!!

               Chef jumps out the window and escapes.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Now now, fellas, let's form a line. 
                         I've got enough topical cream for 
                         everybody!

               The Zombies attack the doctor, who SCREAMS out in pain.

               EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

               The boys stand on the front porch. The door opens revealing 
               an older lady.

                                     BOYS
                         Trick or Treat!

               Kenny's other arm falls off.

                                     LADY
                         Oh, how cute!

               The lady takes a handful of candy and starts to put it in 
               Cartman's bag --

               Suddenly, Kenny lashes out and bites the woman's arm almost 
               in half.

                                     LADY
                         AAIIIEEE!!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, Kenny!

               Blood spews everywhere.

                                     LADY
                         OH MY GOD!

               She slams the door shut. From inside we hear hear muffled 
               screams.

                                     LADY (O.S.)
                         CALL 911! CALL 911!! CALL 911! CALL 
                         911!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh nice going, Kenny! She was about 
                         to give us the candy!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! She had Sweetie Pops!

               Cartman slaps him in the head.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!

               INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

               Chef bursts into the office.

                                     CHEF
                         Mayor, we've got a BIG problem --

               Barbrady stands in front of the desk in women's underwear. 
               The Mayor pops up from behind her desk.

                                     MAYOR
                         Why... Why Chef, what a surprise!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         You're probably wondering why we're 
                         standing here with a pile of money 
                         and no pants on.

                                     CHEF
                         Actually, I...

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, I can assure you that it has 
                         ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the 
                         Japanese Mafia

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Not a thingy dingy.

                                     CHEF
                         I don't really give a crap. We've 
                         got to do something about THE LIVING 
                         DEAD!

                                     MAYOR
                         You mean Tina Yothers?

               The Mayor and Officer Barbrady LAUGH hysterically.

                                     CHEF
                         No, dammit! I'm talking about the 
                         Zombies that have taken over South 
                         Park!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, Evil Knieval, why don't you 
                         jump over them with your rocket cycle?

               The Mayor and Officer Barbrady laugh even harder.

                                     CHEF
                         Aw, to hell with you both!

               Chef leaves, slamming the door behind him.

               The Mayor and Officer Barbrady laugh for a moment more, then 
               stop abruptly.

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, let's get back to it.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Righteeo.

               EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - NIGHT

               The front door opens revealing an obese man.

                                     BOYS
                         Trick or Treat!

               The man holds out some candy.

                                     MAN
                         Hope you kids like chocolate peanut 
                         butter cream puffies --

               Kenny JUMPS onto the man's back and SLASHES at his face.

               The man tries unsuccessfully to pull him off.

                                     MAN
                         AAGH! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF ME!!!

               Kenny rides the man as he spins around and COLLAPSES.

               The boys look on with blank expressions.

               Kenny bites into the man's skull and digs into his brains.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (pissed)
                         Dammit! We'll never get any candy if 
                         Kenny keeps eating people!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! That's it, Kenny! You can't 
                         trick or treat with us anymore!

               The boys leave Kenny eating the man's brains.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

               The boys walk down the street. Behind them, several zombies 
               tear down a house, we HEAR screaming coming from inside.

               EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - NIGHT

               Kyle rings the doorbell. The door opens to reveal a huge man 
               in a KKK robe. Behind him stand several other Klansmen.

               The Klansmen look down at Cartman in his KKK costume.

                                     KIDS
                         Trick or Treat.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey... They're all dressed up like 
                         ghosts too!

               The Klansman throws something into Cartman's pumpkin pail 
               and slams the door.

               Cartman pulls it out and looks at it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         ONE Tootie bar?! You cheap bastards!

               EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The boys stand at the front door of Chef's house. Stan rings 
               the doorbell.

               ANGLE ON: The boys, as the door opens.

                                     BOYS
                         Trick or --

               The boys SCREAM as they see:

               Chef burst out at them, wielding two chainsaws.

                                     CHEF
                         GET OFF MY PROPERTY YOU BRAIN EATIN' 
                         ZOMBIE BASTARDS!!

                                     BOYS
                         AHHH! CHEF!! NO!!!!

               Chef realizes that the boys look normal.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, sorry children, I thought you 
                         were one of them!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Can we have candy now, please?

               Chef frowns when he sees Cartman.

                                     CHEF
                         Dammit boy, what the hell are you 
                         doing dressed up like that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm TRYING to trick or treat God 
                         Dammit!!

                                     CHEF
                         Remind me to whup your ass good next 
                         time I see you. Now get in here before 
                         those Zombies get you!

               INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The boys sit on the couch while Chef talks to them.

                                     STAN
                         What are you talking about Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         Zombies, children! South Park is 
                         overrun with THE LIVING DEAD! Haven't 
                         you noticed anything strange lately?

                                     KYLE
                         Well, not really, except that Kenny 
                         keeps eating peoples' brains...

                                     CHEF
                         Don't you children see? Kenny's turned 
                         into a zombie, along with everyone 
                         else in town!

                                     STAN
                              (realizing)
                         Oh my God! That means...

                                     KYLE
                              (also realizing)
                         ...if everyone has been turned into 
                         Zombies...

                                     CARTMAN
                              (having an epiphany)
                         ...then there won't be anyone to 
                         give US CANDY!!!!!!!!!

               All the boys gasp at the same time.

                                     CARTMAN
                         AAHHHH!

                                     KYLE
                         Chef! You've got to help us!

                                     CHEF
                         I'm working on it, children.

               Chef throws a bunch of chainsaws and other assorted weapons 
               into a duffel bag.

                                     STAN
                         Wait, where are we going?

                                     CHEF
                         The Doctor said the first people he 
                         treated were the Mortician and his 
                         Assistant. Now, I've got a hunch 
                         we'll get to the bottom of this at... 
                         THE MORGUE!

               The children sit on the couch frightened until Cartman farts.

                                     CARTMAN
                         It was Kyle.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

               EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

               Chef, clutching the duffel bag, leads the children up the 
               path to the Mortuary.

                                     STAN
                         I don't know about this, Chef.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I'm scared.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Remember candy. Focus on the candy.

               INT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

               Chef and the boys look around the room.

                                     STAN
                         What are we doing here, Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         Just look for anything suspicious.

               Everybody looks around.

                                     KYLE
                         I found it!! I found it!!!

               Kyle pulls out a porno magazine. Bold letters on the cover 
               read: "CRACK WHORE MAGAZINE". On the cover is Cartman's mom, 
               posing in lingerie with a glass pipe in one hand and a butane 
               torch in the other.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         See Cartman?! Your mom IS on the 
                         cover!

               Cartman's eyes bug out.

                                     STAN
                         We TOLD you, dude!!

                                     CHEF
                              (grabbing magazine)
                         You better let me take that, Kyle.

                                     STAN
                         Hey Chef, look!

               Chef comes over to Stan, who stands by the embalming table.

               ANGLE ON: The plastic tubing. We FOLLOW it up onto the shelf, 
               past the row of bottles, up to the vat of embalming fluid, 
               then up to the empty bottle of Worchestershire sauce.

               Chef grabs the empty bottle and reads the label. It says:

               "WARNING: NOT TO BE USED AS EMBALMING FLUID. EMERGENCY 
               HOTLINE: 1-800-382-5633"

                                     CHEF
                         Uh oh... We gotta call this hotline 
                         number children!!

               Just then, a window CRASHES open!! It is ZOMBIE PIP!!

                                     PIP
                         PIIIINK EYYYEEE... PIIIINK EYYYEEE...

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's the British kid!! He's a little 
                         limy zombie now!!

               Several other windows crash in. A horde of zombies is breaking 
               into the room!!

                                     STAN
                         AAAGH!!!

                                     CHEF
                         LOOK OUT, CHILDREN!!!

               The zombies come at Stan and Kyle. Stan grabs a baseball bat 
               and smashes their heads in.

               (FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT)

                                     STAN
                         Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!!

               Silence...

                                     STAN
                         Chef?

               WHIP PAN around the room and STOP on Chef -- who looks just 
               like Michael Jackson in 'Thriller'.

                                     KYLE
                         Chef!!

               Chef starts dancing and getting funky with the zombies.

                                     CHEF
                              (Singing)
                         I'm gonna make love, even when I'm 
                         dead. My body might get cold, but 
                         it's always hot in my bed! Make love, 
                         don't you be afraid. Just because my 
                         heart ain't beating don't mean you 
                         wont get laid.

                                     STAN
                         Let's get outta here!!

               The boys run away.

                                     CHEF
                         Ooooohhhh!

               EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

               The boys gulp nervously, look at each other, then SCREAM and 
               run away from the Zombies, who give chase.

                                     STAN
                         We gotta call that Worchestershire 
                         hotline!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! There's a payphone!!

               The boys stop at a little payphone. Stan hands Kyle the 
               bottle.

                                     STAN
                         You call the number, Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                         But the zombies are coming!

                                     STAN
                         We'll hold 'em off!!

               Stan and Cartman grab their weapons and head towards the 
               zombies.

               Kyle dials the number and An AUTOMATED VOICE comes on.

                                     AUTOMATED VOICE
                              (English accent)
                         Welcome to the Worchestershire sauce 
                         customer service hotline! For 
                         Worchestershire sauce recipes please 
                         press 1 followed by the pound sign. 
                         For Worchestershire sauce product 
                         placement please press 2. If 
                         Worchestershire sauce has been used 
                         as embalming please press --

               BEEP!! Kyle quickly presses 3.

               EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nobody screws up my Trick or Treats 
                         and gets away with it.

               An EPIC battles rages. Stan and Cartman stand together as 
               the Zombies come at them.

               Cartman cuts off both arms and the head of a Zombie.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah cool!

               Stan cuts off the heads of two Zombies in one fell swoop.

                                     STAN
                         Sweet!

               We see a MONTAGE of Zombies getting beheaded from all 
               different angles. The chainsaws WHIR hellishly as Cartman 
               and Stan are sprayed with purple blood and bits of gore.

               INT. MORTUARY

               ANGLE ON: A photograph of three lovely ladies fondling each 
               other on a king-sized bed.

               Zombie Chef sits at the table, quietly flipping through the 
               porno mag.

               EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS

               ANNOYING HOLD MUSIC plays. After a moment, a voice.

                                     OPERATOR (O.S.)
                              (English accent)
                         Worchestershire sauce emergency 
                         hotline, this call might be monitored 
                         to ensure you the highest quality 
                         service, how may I help you?

                                     KYLE
                         There's a bunch a zombies here!!

                                     OPERATOR (O.S.)
                         Please hold.

               The HOLD MUSIC starts up again.

               EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

               Cartman slams his chainsaw into the gut of a Zombie and lifts 
               him up off the ground, the chainsaw WHIRRING.

               Stan finishes decapitating another Zombie, then turns to 
               see:

               Zombie Wendy!

                                     STAN
                         Wendy?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Finish her, dude! She's a Zombie 
                         now!

                                     STAN
                         I know, but... but

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, Stan! Remember how she dissed 
                         you at the costume contest!

                                     STAN
                         Hey yeah...

               Wendy slowly advances on Stan.

               INT. WORCHESTERSHIRE HQ - NIGHT

                                     OPERATOR
                         With the regular sauce, the first 
                         thing you need to do is make sure 
                         that you DO NOT just go out and start 
                         decapitating Zombies left and right, 
                         do you understand? DO NOT start 
                         decapitating Zombies left and right!

               EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS

               Kyle looks out and sees Stan and Cartman killing Zombies 
               left and right.

                                     KYLE
                         Uh... okay. Then what?

               EXT. CEMETERY

               Zombie Wendy continues to advance on Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Wendy! I know we had a fight, and I 
                         did wish that you were dead, but I 
                         didn't mean it!

               Zombie Wendy pauses for a moment, but then continues towards 
               Stan.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kill her, Stan!!

               INT. WORCHESTERSHIRE HQ

                                     OPERATOR
                         All you have to do is kill the 
                         original Zombie, the one that started 
                         the whole mess. Once you kill the 
                         original Zombie all the other Zombies 
                         will turn back to normal.

               EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS

                                     KYLE
                         Original Zombie? Well, how the hell 
                         do we know who the original Zombie 
                         is?

                                     OPERATOR
                         We realize you have a choice in 
                         Worchestershire sauces. We are 
                         delighted that...

               Kyle hangs up the phone.

                                     KYLE
                         Wait a minute... That thing landed 
                         on Kenny... And they took HIM to the 
                         mortuary...

               EXT. CEMETERY

                                     STAN
                         I... I can't!

               Everyone stops and watches as Kyle runs up with his mule 
               chainsaw. He approaches Kenny and SLAMS the chainsaw down on 
               top of his head.

               He pushes down until the chainsaw gets caught in Kenny's 
               neck. GRUNTING, Chef pushes harder, until the saw goes clear 
               down to Kenny's feet, cutting him in half.

               Immediately Wendy turns back to normal and collapses into 
               Stan's arms.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my god I killed Kenny! You 
                         bastard!!

                                     WENDY
                              (groggy)
                         Oh. What happened... Stan?

                                     STAN
                         Don't worry, babe. Everything's gonna 
                         be okay.

                                     KYLE
                         It's working! They're turning back 
                         to normal!

               SFX: CHEESY MAGIC-WAND SOUND as the many Zombie corpses all 
               over the place lose their Zombie features and turn into 
               regular corpses.

                                     CHEF
                         You did it, children!

               Everyone cheers.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay let's go trick or treating now 
                         come on!

                                     WENDY
                         I'm sorry I dissed you at school 
                         like that, Stan. I guess I just wasn't 
                         very considerate of your feelings.

                                     STAN
                         That's okay, Wendy. I'm sorry I wished 
                         you were dead.

               They smile, gazing into each other's eyes.

                                     WENDY
                         Maybe we could... Actually kiss 
                         tonight Stan...

               They lean forward and are about to kiss when Stan VOMITS on 
               Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         Eww! Gross Stan, Sick!! Barf is gross.

               Wendy steps through the rotting corpses to run away.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

               EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

               Stan, Kyle and Cartman, in normal clothes, are standing in 
               front of a tombstone.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, man... I can't believe he's 
                         gone...

               The small grave reads 'Kenny McCormick' and then 'Sleep well, 
               little child, the Lord holds thee now'.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah... He was too young to be taken 
                         from us!!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, you're the one who cut him in 
                         half with a chainsaw.

               Cartman pulls out a small Kleenex and wipes his eyes.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let us remember the good times... 
                         Kenny would have wanted it that way.

               Cartman chokes himself up saying this. He really starts to 
               weep. Kyle puts his arm around him.

               All the boys appear to be sobbing. But then, suddenly, Cartman 
               pops out of it.

                                     STAN
                         You know I've really learned something 
                         today... Halloween isn't about 
                         costumes or candy... It's about being 
                         good to one another and giving and 
                         loving.

                                     KYLE
                         No, dude, that's Christmas.

                                     STAN
                         Oh... Then what's Halloween about?

                                     KYLE
                         Costumes and candy.

                                     STAN
                         Oh.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Suddenly fine)
                         Well, let's get home and start eating 
                         candy.

               The boys smile and start to walk away.

                                     KYLE
                         We can eat it at Cartman's house and 
                         see more naughty pictures of his 
                         mom!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Knock it off, you guys!! She said 
                         she was young and she needed the 
                         money!!

                                     STAN
                              (Off-screen)
                         Cartman! The pictures were taken 
                         like last month!!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Off-screen)
                         Screw you guys!!

               The boys fully exit frame, and we are left alone in the 
               graveyard.

               The camera TILTS DOWN to Kenny's grave...

               Suddenly a brown gloved hand BURSTS through the ground!!!

               As Horrific MUSIC plays, Kenny slowly pulls himself out of 
               his grave!!!

               Finally, the music reaches a CRESCENDO as Kenny stands above 
               his grave and gives out a muted cry!!

               PULL BACK

               Just then, a large statue from the grave next-door falls on 
               top of Kenny, killing him instantly.

               Music ends, all is silent...

               After a few seconds, a small plane crashes on top of that... 
               As if that were necessary.

                                         THE END

Pinkeye



Writers :   Matt Stone  Trey Parker  Philip Stark
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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