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ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 218

                                  "PREHISTORIC ICE MAN"

                                        Written by

                              Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental



               [Cartman's house. A television is heard. The screen shows an 
               Australian crocodile hunter narrating his adventures as a woman 
               pilots his boat down a river.]
 
                                     AUSSIE
                         As we steer our boat down , looking 
                         for these dangerous predators… Boy, 
                         there's a king croc right here.  He 
                         must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long 
                         at least.  This croc has enough power 
                         in its jaws to rip my head right off.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh, no!) 

                                     AUSSIE
                         I've got to be careful. So, what I'm 
                         gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my 
                         thumb in its butthole.
 
                                     STAN
                         Holy crap. dude!

                                     AUSSIE
                         If I get bit out here, I'm 200 kilometers 
                         from the nearest hospital: I'd better 
                         be real careful jamming my thumb in 
                         its butthole.  Oh, boy, it's pissed 
                         off now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Go, dude, go! 

                                     AUSSIE
                         I'm gonna jam my thumb it its butthole 
                         now! This should really piss it off! 
                          Oh, yeah, that piossed it off, all 
                         right!  I've gotta be careful!
 
                                     STAN
                         This guy rules!

                                     KENNY
                         (He actually killed it!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you guys.

                                     AUSSIE
                          Well! That was quite an angry croc! 
                         But I managed to escape with only a 
                         few bruises and a shattered left testicle. 
                         Next week we'll look for more of these 
                         beautiful creatures, so we can learn 
                         more about them by pissing them off 
                         immensely. Thanks for watching.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude! Let's go look for crocodiles!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah! 

               [The woods. Cartman leads the boys up a hill. All are armed with 
               water guns]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          There's bound to be some crocs up here. 
                         I'll use my croc call and try to bring 
                         'em out. Brigeghus, brigeghus! Brig-!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         That's not how a croc sounds, you fatass 
                         penis!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ogh! Now I'm gonna kick my friend Kyle 
                         in the beanbag and see what happens, 
                         by crikey!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Get away from me, Cartman! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come 'ere, crocky.

                                     KYLE
                          AAAAAAAAAA! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude!

                                     KYLE
                          HELP! 

                                     STAN
                         Good job, Cartman! You killed Kyle!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (You bastard!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, he shouldn't have called me fat. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Why the hell not?! That's like calling 
                         the sky blue!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go 
                         look for crocodiles! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         You guuuys!

                                     STAN
                          Hey, he's still alive.  Kyle, are you 
                         okay? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         I think so. Is Cartman up there?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm right here, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you fucking hunk of fat, rat-fucking 
                         hunk of pig-fucking ass fat.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, 
                         pussy!
 
                                     STAN
                         Can you climb back up, dude?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't think so.

                                     STAN
                         Damn it, I guess I'll have to go get 
                         him.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Nah. Come on, guys. Let's go look for 
                         crocodi-iles.
 
               [Inside a cave at the bottom of the shaft, Kyle awaits his rescue. 
               Stan descends, spinning slowly as Cartman huffs outside.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Whoa, dude. This is making me sick. 
                         Blaach!  Bluchluchluchluch.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sick, dude! 

                                     STAN
                         Sorry.  What the hell are you doing, 
                         fat boy?! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Screw you, hippie!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, dude. I wanna get out of here.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         All right. Just grab the rope. Wait 
                         a minute. What's this? 
 
                                     BOTH
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it's a dude! 

                                     STAN
                         He's like, some frozen guy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, you guys, it's getting cold 
                         up here!
 
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Cartman!  Dude, I saw this 
                         in a movie once. The old cavemen get 
                         frozen, and then people discover them 
                         and make them their caveman friends.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wow. Cool.

                                     STAN
                          You guys, there's a frozen ape man 
                         from the past down here! Send some more 
                         rope!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Really?  Hey, there's a frozen guy down 
                         there.
 
                                     STAN
                          Help me chip some of the ice away.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys. This is just like that 
                         one movie, um, John Travolta and that, 
                         French chick were doing it, all summer 
                         long and went back to school and sang 
                         somgs about "Greased Lightning."  You 
                         know, that movie where Sandra Dee thinks 
                         she's all prissy, and then they try 
                         and try to get an abortion, but she 
                         doesn't have all the-
 
                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         Cartman, will you shut the hell up and 
                         get some more rope?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aww, screw you guys anyway!

                                     STAN
                         Hey, remember when that kid found a 
                         wallet and got a reward?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, sweet! Maybe we can get a reward 
                         for the frozen guy!
 
                                     BOTH
                         Hooray!

                                     CARTMAN
                         For what?

               [on the road towards town. Cartman pulls the frozen man on a 
               sled while the other three push from behind]
 
                                     STAN
                         Where shall we bring it?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know. We just have to get it 
                         to town and let them figure out what 
                         to do with it.
 
                                     STAN
                         I think I'm going to name it Gorak.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No, dude! We have to name it Steve.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Steve? What the hell kind of caveman 
                         name is Steve? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's my name, and I found him.

                                     STAN
                         You didn't find him, I found him.

                                     KYLE
                         What are you talking about, dude?! I 
                         fell down that abyss and there it was!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You wouldn't even have noticed it if 
                         I hadn't pointed it out.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny, who found the ice man?

                                     KENNY
                         (Well, I think you guys should name 
                         it Steve)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I think we're almost there, you guys.
 
                         
               [City Hall front lawn. The mayor is at the podium and a crowd 
               of townspeople is watching]
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Aalll right, people. The next order 
                         of business is a very serious matter. 
                         We need to vote on whether South Park 
                         should reinstate the death penalty or 
                         not. All those in favor, say "yippee."
 
                         
                                     SOME PEOPLE
                         Yippee.

                                     TARDY MAN
                         Wait, what was that? I missed the question. 
                         Yippee! 
 
                                     MAYOR
                         All those opposed, say "nay."

                                     OTHER PEOPLE
                         Nay.

                                     TARDY MAN
                         Screw you! 

                                     MAN
                         Ey! Screw you! 

                                     STAN
                         Huh, excuse me?

                                     MAYOR
                         Not now, kids. Thw town is having a 
                         very important debate on capital punishment. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         But we found a frozen ice man from the 
                         past! 
 
                                     STAN
                         I found this frozen guy in the woods 
                         today.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No. I found this frozen guy in the woods 
                         today.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         What the hell is going on here?

                                     KYLE
                         We came for our reward.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, like the kid with the wallet.
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                          Reward? What reward?

                                     MEPHESTO
                          Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled 
                         onto something here. You see, Mayor, 
                         frozen links are often found: dinosaur 
                         eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen 
                         could be a missing link  in our evolution. 
                         If I can unfreeze the body, and perform 
                         an autopsy, I could learn much about 
                         this creature's people and its time.
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                         Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your 
                         socks off.
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I 
                         can't give you a reward for finding 
                         this creature, but if you'd like, I'll 
                         let you name him.
 
                                     STAN
                         Really.

                                     KYLE
                         Sweet. How about Steve?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Steve it is.

                                     STAN
                         Wait a minute! His name is Gorak!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Come on, Steve. We've got work to do. 
                          Unfreezing this body will be quite 
                         delicate work. We'll have to use the 
                         most advanced methods available.
 
               [The South Park Genetic Enginnering Ranch. Inside, Mephesto and 
               Kevin use blow dryers on the ice man. Quite an advanced method]
 
               
                                     MEPHESTO
                         This is very exciting. He could be a 
                         Neanderthal. Or an Autralopithecus from 
                         the Paleolithic era.  Do you see that, 
                         Kevin? These clothes are from Eddie 
                         Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes 
                         from Eddie Bauer since… 1996!  This 
                         is incredible! Think of all we can learn 
                         from this body! All that it can teach 
                         us! Let's just hope the press doesn't 
                         get wind of this right away. 
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Stand back, people. There's nothing 
                         to see here.
 
                                     REPORTER
                         What about the prehistoric ice man?
 
                         
                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh, yeah. There is that. 

                                     REPORTER
                         Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell 
                         us what's going on?
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Ladies and gentlemen, we still have 
                         a lot of work to do.  But it is my opinion 
                         tha this man has been frozen in time 
                         for over 32 months!  Yes, it's true, 
                         although at this early stage we know 
                         very little about this man or the time 
                         from which he comes.
 
               [News 4 Special Report. The caption has a silhouette of a caveman 
               stamped with a question mark.]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Fascinating news tonight from South 
                         Park. An ancient discovery of a prehistoric 
                         man actually frozen in ice. A team of 
                         scientists continues to try and unfreeze 
                         the body so that it can be autopsied, 
                         and studied. The caveman was discovered 
                         by Kyle Broflovski, who had this to 
                         say:
 
                                     KYLE
                          Well, I fell down this ice cavern, 
                          and I saw this block of ice, so I told 
                         my friend to throw a rope- 
 
                                     REPORTER
                         The prehistoric ice man is thought to 
                         be from the late neo-post-Jurrasic era, 
                         where he was probably part of a hunting 
                         and gathering tribe that lived on Waterston 
                         Street.
 
               [The genetic engineering ranch.]

                                     MEPHESTO
                         That's it, Kevin. Now we can begin the 
                         autopsy.
 
                                     "STEVE"
                          Uuuurrr.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Ugh? What's this?

                                     "STEVE"
                          Mmmmm.

                                     MAYOR
                         Holy crap! He's alive??

                                     MEPHESTO
                         That's impossible!  Do an EKG on him! 
                         
 
                                     "STEVE"
                         Uugh! 

                                     MEPHESTO
                         My God, he really is alive. The ice 
                         must have preserved him!
 
                                     MAYOR
                          Well, quick, do something!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Nono, we've got to think this through. 
                          Mayor, this man has not been conscious 
                         for almost three years. He won't understand 
                         what he sees! He'll be frightened and 
                         confused!
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Well, you just can't let him die.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Perhaps death is better than the shock 
                         he will take trying to adapt to our 
                         time.
 
                                     "STEVE"
                         Uh, ughn.

                                     MEPHESTO
                          Oh my God. It looks as if he's about 
                         to speak!
 
                                     "STEVE"
                          Where… where am I?

                                     REPORTER 1
                         What?

                                     REPORTER 2
                         What's he saying?

                                     REPORTER 3
                         Is that English?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         What? You're, you're hungry?

                                     "STEVE"
                         Where am I?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         You're, you're hungry?

                                     "STEVE"
                         What's goin' on?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Ma-phes-to. 
                         Mah-phehs-to.
 
                                     "STEVE"
                         Huh?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Hawgh! If we could understand what he's 
                         saying, then maybe we could get some 
                         answers.  If only there was someone 
                         who could communicate with him on a 
                         level as primitive as his own, a mind 
                         like… a child.
 
               [The boys walk along the curb on their was home]

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I wanted to call him Gorak.

                                     KYLE
                         Gorak's a gay name.

                                     STAN
                         No, it isn't!

                                     KYLE
                         Why are you being such a dick?

                                     STAN
                         I'm not being a dick, you're being a 
                         dick!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nuh-uh!

                                     BARBRADY
                          Hello, children. Dr. Mephesto needs 
                         one of you to help him out in his lab 
                         with the prehitoric ice man.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'll go.

                                     STAN
                         No, I'll go! I found him!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Damn, I've never seen you guys fight 
                         like this!
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         All right, there's only one fair way 
                         to do this. Everyone stick out their 
                         potatoes.  My mother and your mother 
                         were out hanging clothes. My mother 
                         punched your mother in the nose. What 
                         color blood came out? 
 
                                     KENY
                         (Blue.)

                                     BARBADY
                         B L O O uh oh-O spells "blue" and that 
                         means that you will go to the lab and 
                         help out Mephesto and then we can all 
                         go home and watch Murphy Brown. 
 
               [The genetic engineering ranch. "Steve" is now sitting up.]
 
               
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Steve. You-

                                     "STEVE"
                         Where am I?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Steeve. Steeeve. Steeeve.  Oh good, 
                         you're here.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they revived Gorak.

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Yes, and I need you to communicate with 
                         him. See if you can understand what 
                         he's saying. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh. Hi.

                                     "STEVE"
                         Hi.

                                     MEPHESTO
                          What'd he say?

                                     STAN
                         He said, "hi."

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Very interesting.

                                     "STEVE"
                         Where am I?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         What??

                                     STAN
                         He wants to know where he is.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Tell him, tell him he's… home.

                                     STAN
                         You're… home. 

                                     MEPHESTO
                         In the year 1999.

                                     "STEVE"
                         It's 1999??

                                     MEPHESTO
                         He's been frozen for the last 32 months.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, you've been frozen 32 months.
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                         And we found you-

                                     "STEVE"
                         What? Thirty-two months?!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         All right, all right, all-

                                     "STEVE"
                         Aaaa! 

                                     MEPHESTO
                         All right, all right, calm down.

                                     "STEVE"
                          AAAAAAA!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         I think that's enough for today. 

                                     "STEVE"
                         Whoa, oh.

                                     KYLE
                         Good job, dude! You freaked him out!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh, shut up, assmaster. You're just 
                         jealous 'cause they had me talk to him. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Guess what? You're not my best friend 
                         anymore! Cartman's my new best friend!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah? Well You're not my best friend 
                         anymore, either! Cartman is now my best 
                         friend!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Killer.

                                     KYLE
                         Fine! 

                                     STAN
                         Fine! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine.

               [The genetic engineering ranch. A car is stationed outside. A 
               finger presses the butt-shaped doorbell]
 
                                     AGENT
                          Are you Alphonse Mephesto?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         The same.

                                     AGENT
                         We understand that you are currently 
                         in possession of the prehistoric ice 
                         man from 1996.
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         That's right.

                                     AGENT
                         We would like to…  we would like to 
                         offer our services in your experiments.
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Oh? Where are you gents from?

                                     AGENT 2
                         We are from the University, of… America.
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Well, there's not a lot to see, but… 
                         Come in.  He's still not responding 
                         much to us; the shock is still settling 
                         in,  but we've made great progress now 
                         that he's in the habitat.
 
                                     AGENT
                         Habitat?

                                     MEPHESTO
                          Yes. Kevin and I designed a habitat 
                         for Steve to live in that is completely 
                         like his own world. Everything is 1996-oriented. 
                         
 
                                     AGENT
                         Amazing. He looks so much like us. 
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Yes, well, Kevin has done a lot of work 
                         in figuring out just how related to 
                         us Steve really is. Hew came up with 
                         this drawing
 
                                     AGENT
                         Dr. Mephesto, we realize that scientific 
                         study is expensive. We want to help 
                         you make this project more… lucrative.
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                         How would we do that?

                                     AGENT
                         It's easy.

               [Mephesto has opened up his ranch to the public. Viewers move 
               down a moving sidewalk looking at the habitat and listening to 
               Ace of Base's "The Sign". One viewer snaps a picture. Mephesto 
               stands at a podium]
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         As you can see, the ice man is listening 
                         to Ace of Base, which was a very popular 
                         group during his era, and primitive 
                         drummings soothed his people's tempers. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         He doesn't look very happy in there.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No, he sure doesn't.

                                     STAN
                         I wasn't talking to you, buttpipe! I 
                         was talking to Cartman!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, I was talking to Cartman, too!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Damn, I'm pretty freakin' cool all of 
                         a sudden.
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Ah! Here we see the ice man trying to 
                         gain Internet access on the computer. 
                         The Internet was still not very big 
                         in his time, so the Web frightens and 
                         confuses him.  It's okay, he can't hurt 
                         you.  It's one-way glass: he can't even 
                         see us.  And now the ice man watches 
                         television. 
 
                                     AUSSIE
                         This grizzly bear has the strength of 
                         over ten Morgan Freemans. I'm really 
                         pissing him off right now.
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                          Wait. This could be dangerous.

                                     AGENT
                         How so?

                                     MEPEHSTO
                         He's changing the channel. Something 
                         on the television could frighten and 
                         confuse him.
 
                                     SPORTS REPORTER
                         And they've done it! The Atlanta Falcons 
                         are going to the Super Bowl!
 
                                     "STEVE"
                         What?!! Rrrowrrr! 

                                     STAN
                          You guys aren't being very nice to 
                         my creature.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's my creature!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         He's fine, boys. And we're learning 
                         so much from him.
 
                                     STAN
                         Let him out, dude. He's scared.

                                     AGENT
                         He would be more scared on the outside. 
                         Do you think this stuff freaks him out? 
                         How do you think he'd react to what's 
                         happening in the government right now?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         But it isn't right!

                                     AGENT 2
                         Little boy, sometimes, what's right 
                         isn't as important as what's profitable. 
                         
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Uh oh. Ow!) 

                                     STAN
                          Oh my God, they killed Kenny! 

                                     KYLE
                         What?! I'm not talking to you! 

               [Later that night.]

                                     STAN
                          Gorak!  Gorak! Gorak! Are you there?
 
                         
                                     "STEVE"
                         Oh hi. What are you doing here? Viewing 
                         hours are 10 to 6.
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't think it's fair for them to 
                         keep you captive like this, Gorak. I 
                         came to bust you out.
 
                                     "STEVE"
                         Wow. That's really nice of you, kid. 
                         Thanks! 
 
                                     STAN
                         What are you doing here?

                                     KYLE
                          I'm here to bust out Steve.

                                     STAN
                         What?! You can't. I'm here to bust out 
                         Gorak.
 
                                     KYLE
                         His name is Steve!

                                     STAN
                         His name is Gorak!

                                     "STEVE"
                         My name is Larry.

                                     KYLE
                         Steve!

                                     STAN
                         Gorak!

                                     KYLE
                         Steve!

                                     STAN
                         What kind of stupid-ass name is Steve?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Because, he kinda like looks like Steve 
                         Austin, the $6 million man
 
                                     STAN
                          No he doesn't!!

                                     KYLE
                         Does so!

                                     LARRY
                         Uh. Hey, kids, could you just open the 
                         door so I can get back to my family?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I found him, I'm rescuing him! 

                                     LARRY
                          Thanks. 

                                     STAN
                         You're a dick!

                                     KYLE
                         You're a dick!

                                     STAN
                         You're a dick, and I've had it with 
                         your dicketry! I choose you!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You want a fight? Well, that's fine 
                         with me!
 
                                     STAN
                         Tomorrow at the bus stop, 4 o'clock!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well, why don't we make 3 o'clock?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Dude, Terrance and Phillip is on at 
                         3.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh yeah.  Fine, I'll kick your ass 
                         tomorrow, dick! 
 
                                     STAN
                         I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish 
                         you never had it- to begin with! Your 
                         ass, I mean.  Wait. 
 
               [The town, next day. Larry walks around and comes across "TELE'S," 
               which shows a large-screen TV flanked by towers three TV's tall 
               on each side. Marilyn Manson is on screen]
 
                                     MARILYN MANSON
                         I just smelled your britches and they're 
                         stinky
 
               Stinky Britches

               Stinky Britches

                                     LARRY
                         Arrrggh! 

               [the genetic engineering ranch]

                                     MEPHESTO
                         He's gone! The ice man has broken out!
 
                         
                                     AGENT
                         No, that's impossible! How could he 
                         have?
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         He must have used this… door 

                                     AGENT
                         Damn it, Damn it!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         We have to find him! He won't survive 
                         long out in the world!
 
                                     AGENT
                         Yes, and if he isn't found, we won't 
                         be able to use him for our military 
                         war-
 
                                     AGENT 2
                         Sshhhh!

                                     AGENT
                         Right.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         What?

                                     AGENT 2
                         What?

                                     AGENT
                         Nothing.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         No, what did you say? Uh, use him for 
                         what?
 
                                     AGENT
                          Butlutlutlutlup! 

                                     AGENT 2
                         Dr. Mephesto, where could the creature 
                         have gone?
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         I have no idea!

                                     AGENT
                         We'll never track him down on our own. 
                         This calls for some special assistance.
 
                         
               [Larry knocks at a door at 1299 Waterston St. A woman opens the 
               door.]
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Can I help you?

                                     LARRY
                         Leslie. It's me, Larry.  Your husband?
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Husband? You're not my husband.

                                     LARRY
                         Think hard, Leslie. We used to be together, 
                         for over eight years?
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Iii seem to remember a husband, but 
                         I think he was lost and never found 
                         on Kenosha Pass.
 
                                     LARRY
                         That was me!

                                     WOMAN
                          Oh.

                                     BIG MAN
                          Who is it, lover?

                                     WOMAN
                         It's my former husband, who I had forgotten 
                         all about.
 
                                     BIG MAN
                         Ooooo.  Well, sir, let me shake your 
                         hand. I'm proud to meet the man whose 
                         wife I'm currently sticking it to every 
                         night. 
 
                                     LARRY
                         So you… remarried.

                                     WOMAN
                         Yes, Lorry.

                                     LARRY
                         Larry!

                                     WOMAN
                         Uhlarry. Larry-y, you disap - peared. 
                         I waited for you to come home for over 
                         three days! I. I remember how cold and 
                         lonely the nights got. By the fourth 
                         day I knew: I had to move on.
 
                                     LARRY
                         Didn't anybody send out a search party?
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         We did, Larry. We looked all afternoon. 
                         But we found nothing, no trace.
 
                                     LARRY
                         Please, Leslie, I don't know where else 
                         to go. I'm confused.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Leslie, I'm with Buck now. 

                                     LARRY
                         You're Leslie.

                                     WOMAN
                         Right. I'm with Buck now. We have children 
                         together.  Calvin is eight, and little 
                         Buck is 13. I just can't up and leave 
                         them. I'm sorry.
 
                                     LARRY
                         I'm sorry, too. I'll leave you alone. 
                          Eight and thirteen? 
 
               [Stan's house. He and Cartman are out in the backyard. Cartman 
               is dressed as an outback hunter]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I don't see any crocs out here.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Damnit, Cartman, you're supposed to 
                         be helping me to get ready to fight 
                         Kyle, not playing Australian outback 
                         guy!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Or, in other words, I'll let this jagu-ar 
                         bop me in the face and see if it hurts. 
                         Come on, jagu-ar, let's see what you've 
                         got!  Aaah! Ow, son of a bitch! 
 
                                     STAN
                         You suck as a best friend, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You son of a bitch cat!

                                     STAN
                          What are you doing, Gorak!

                                     LARRY
                          I can't live in your time. I'm freezing 
                         myself again.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, that sucks, dude.

                                     LARRY
                         Tell me about it. I've been doing this 
                         for over three and a half hours now, 
                         and only my toes are starting to ice 
                         over.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Steve, wait!

                                     STAN
                         What are you doing here, dick?! We're 
                         not supposed to fight until 4 o'clock!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I've got something to show Steve, dick!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Gorak is busy freezing himself again, 
                         dick!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Steve, you don't have to freeze yourself. 
                         Look!
 
                                     LARRY
                         What is that? 

                                     KYLE
                         It's this place called Des Moines. It's 
                         like, lost in time, see?  Everybody 
                         looks like you do.  Fashion is two years 
                         behind, Technology is two years behind, 
                         fads, are two years behind, just like 
                         you. 
 
                                     LARRY
                          Home.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Steve, you're going to Des 
                         Moines!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, no you don't, glory-monger! Gorak 
                         is my respnosibility. I'll take him 
                         to Des Moines!
 
                                     KYLE
                         No you don't, butthole! 

                                     LARRY
                         They're coming for me!

                                     STAN
                         Come on! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, you jagu-ars can be real mean. 
                         I'm gonna have to smack it in the face. 
                         
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Was the ice man here?

                                     CARTMAN
                         He might have been, by crikey.

                                     AGENT
                         We have to get him back. Well, can you 
                         do it?
 
                                     AUSSIE
                          Sure I can! I can hunt down anything!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow! Kick ass!

               [South Park Train Station. People are waiting to depart, and 
               a train is pulling in]
 
                                     STAN
                         We need a one-way ticket to Des Moines, 
                         please.
 
                                     CLERK
                         Des Moines? What the hell for?

                                     KYLE
                         We have to get our friend, Steve-

                                     STAN
                         My friend, Gorak!

                                     KYLE
                         -to Des Moines, or else he's gonna melt 
                         away.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, he's not gonna melt away! That's 
                         Frosty, you stupid butthole!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Frosty, Steve, whatever.

                                     CLERK
                         Well, okay. Uh, I'll find him a seat. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, look, it's 4 o'clock.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh. We'll wait for you over there, Steve. 
                         We have to start fighting now.
 
                                     LARRY
                         Okay, boys. Thanks. 

                                     KYLE
                         Okay. First one to die, loses.

                                     STAN
                         'K.

                                     KYLE
                         Okay. 

                                     STAN
                         O-okay.

                                     KYLE
                         So, here we go. 

                                     STAN
                         'K 

                                     KYLE
                         Go. 

               [The woods. The Aussie leads Mephesto, Agents, Barbrady, and 
               other cops, in a hunt. He runs across a set of tracks]
 
                                     AUSSIE
                         Wait a second.  I think he came through 
                         here recently.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I think the same thing.

                                     AGENT
                         Well, where the hell is he? We've got 
                         to get him back to the lab.
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         He can't function out here in our time!
 
                         
                                     AUSSIE
                          Calm down, calm down.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons 
                         of bitches.
 
                                     AUSSIE
                         Wait! Look!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Is it him?

                                     AUSSIE
                         No! It's a Rocky Mountain rattle snake. 
                          This is the most poisonous snake in 
                         this entire region.  Now, what I'm gonna 
                         do, is carefully sneak up on him, and 
                         jam my thumb up his butthole. Crikey! 
                          Oh, this snake is really pissed!! I'm 
                         gonna jam my thumb in his butthole now! 
                          Awww, yeah, that pissed it off all 
                         right!
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Does he always do this?

                                     AGENT
                          Yeah,

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna go jam my thumb in some'in's 
                         butthole now.
 
               [the train station. Stan and Kyle are still fighting]

                                     STAN
                          Ow!

                                     KYLE
                          Ow! 

                                     STAN
                         Watch my coat, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh.

                                     LARRY
                          I got my ticket.

                                     STAN
                         Huh? 

                                     LARRY
                         I have to go to Platform B.

                                     KYLE
                          Oh. Okay, it's over this way 

                                     AUSSIE
                          The trail ends here.

                                     AGENT
                         The train station? Then he's trying 
                         to go somewhere.
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                          Have you seen a man who looks similar 
                         to us, but with a thicker brow and an 
                         apish nose?
 
                                     CLERK
                         What the hell are you talking about?
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                         An ice man, a man from the past. We 
                         must find him. Now, where is he?!
 
                         
               [Platform B. Larry has gotten on the train, and the boys see 
               him off. They get back to fighting]
 
                                     LARRY
                         Well, this is it. I'm going back to 
                         my time. Thanks again, boys.
 
                                     STAN
                          No problem, Gorak.

                                     KYLE
                         Later.

                                     LARRY
                         You boys have really shown me the true 
                         meanng of friendship. You didn't care 
                         about anythng but my happiness. You 
                         put me in front of yourselves, and that's 
                         what real friendship is all about.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yup.

                                     KYLE
                         Uhuh.

                                     LARRY
                         After being frozen, I've learned that 
                         all a person has in life is family. 
                         And friends. If you lose those, you 
                         have nothing. So friends are to be treasured, 
                         more than anything in the world!
 
                                     STAN
                          Right on.

                                     KYLE
                         Cool.

                                     LARRY
                         Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, friends! 

                                     MEPHESTO
                          Where is he? Where is Steve?! 

                                     STAN
                         His… name… is… Gorak!

                                     KYLE
                         His name… is Steve!

                                     AGENT
                         The train! 

                                     MEPHESTO
                         We've got to stop it!

                                     AUSSIE
                         No worries. 

                                     AGENT
                         Let's get him! 

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         No! 

               [The hunting party is now on the tracks chasing the train.]
 
               
                                     AGENT
                         We've gotta stop that train!

                                     AUSSIE
                         Come back here, you! 

                                     KYLE
                         Steve! Steve, look out!

                                     STAN
                         They're after you! 

                                     AUSSIE
                         Oh, he's a wily one! 

                                     LARRY
                         Oh, poo!

                                     KYLE
                         Steve, look out! 

                                     AUSSIE
                          Notice the dilated pupils of this prehistoric 
                         man. A sure sign the prey is frightened. 
                         As well as he should be, as I will now 
                         jam my thumb up his butthole.
 
                                     LARRY
                         Huh?  Whah?!

                                     AGENT
                          Stop the train!

                                     CONDUCTOR
                         Hey, who are you?

                                     AGENT
                         I said, stop that train!

                                     CONDUCTOR
                         Yes, hello. I see you.

                                     CARTMAN
                         They're all movin' pretty fast, but 
                         I'll catch up to 'em, by crikey.
 
               [atop the train, Larry and the Aussie wrestle.]

                                     LARRY
                          I've got you pinned. I win.

                                     AUSSIE
                          Now I've got you pinned. I win! 

                                     CONDUCTOR
                          Whoa!

                                     AGENT
                          Hey, it's okay! The helicopter is here! 
                          Go get him, boys!  Cut him off!
 
                                     LARRY
                          Nooo!

                                     AUSSIE
                         Now for the coup de gras. I'll just… 
                         get my… thumb up… here.
 
                                     LARRY
                          Oohh!

               [the helicopter lands in front of the train, but the train rolls 
               on]
 
                                     PILOT
                         Aah, the train's not stopping.  It's 
                         not stopping!  AAAAAAAA! 
 
                                     AUSSIE
                          Holy bum-! 

                                     STAN
                          Where's Gorak??

                                     PILOT
                          Wow, that is the God-damnedest thing 
                         I've ever seen.
 
                                     AGENT
                         Where's the ice man?!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         He has to be around here somewhere. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can't believe he's gone.

                                     STAN
                          Wait, look! The helicopter! 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey!

                                     STAN
                         He's alive!

                                     LARRY
                          Good-bye again! I'm off to Des Moines!
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                         No! Come back! You can't get out! You'll 
                         never live!
 
                                     LARRY
                         I'm not living here! Living is having 
                         ups and downs and sharing them with 
                         friends!  Thank you, Stan and Kyle! 
                         See ya! 
 
                                     AGENT
                          Damn! Well, so much for our plan to 
                         use the ice man to take over Sweden.
 
                         
                                     MEPHESTO
                          What?!

                                     AGENT
                         What? Nothing!

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, Steve was a… pretty good name 
                         for that guy.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No- Dude, Gorak is cool because it's 
                         original. And besides, you found him.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Be very very quiet. I'm hunting crocodiles, 
                         hahahahahaha.
 
                                     STAN
                          Could we be best friends again?  I 
                         hate having Cartman as a best friend.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Me, too. He sucks.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! Well I don't need you guys 
                         anyways! You guys can kiss my-  Aha! 
                         There's a king croc right there!  And 
                         what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna sneak 
                         up on it, and jam my thumb in its-
 
                         
                                     COW
                         Moo! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! Ey, get me out of here! God-damnit! 
                         Ugh. Smells like Kenny's house in here.
 
                         
                                     THE END
 


Prehistoric ice man



Writers :   Trey Parker  Nancy Pimental
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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