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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 410


                                      "PROBABLY"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               Recap

               [Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Previously on South Park...

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Today, we're going to talk about hell. 
                         
 
               [Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Saddam appears at Satan's door]
 
               
                                     SADDAM
                         Hello, Satan! 

                                     SATAN
                          Saddam...

               [The Broflovski house. Sheila and Kyle are talking]

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Us Jews don't believe in hell.

                                     KYLE
                         ...But what if we're wrong?

               [South Park Avenue, day. The kids begin crossing the street]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Let's go. 

                                     STAN
                          ...they've killed Kenny!

                                     BUTTERS
                         And he had sins that he didn't confess!
 
                         
               [Hell, River Styx Condominiums, dinner. Saddam tries to arouse 
               Satan under the table. Satan swats Saddam's arm away]
 
                                     SATAN
                         No, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.

               [The church rectory. Preist Maxi is talking to the boys]

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Boys, it is your Christian duty to save 
                         the souls of your friends!
 
               [Hell, River Styx Condominiums, bedtime. Satan and Chris are 
               in bed]
 
                                     CHRIS
                          I love you, Satan.

                                     SATAN
                         I love you too, Saddam.

                                     SATAN, CHRIS
                          Wuh?!

               [The Pacific Ocean. A man drives a speedboat. Richie Cunningham, 
               Ralph Malph, and Potsy Weber go along for the ride, and Arthur 
               Fonzarelli stands behind the boat on water skis. Wait...]
 
                                     RICHIE
                         Fonz, there's no way you can jump that 
                         shark with your water skis. 
 
                                     FONZIE
                         Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.

               [The church confessional, day. Cartman opens the penitent door 
               and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         Oh, huhuh. 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's 
                         gonna save us?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, it looks like we're gonna have 
                         to save everyone in this town ourselves!
 
                         
               [The beach. Richie, Potsy, Ralph, and Joanie are on the shore 
               watching the boat driver take Fonzie on his stunt. On shore is 
               a sign posted on a pair of surfboards that reads "GO FONZ!!!"]
 
               
                                     JOANIE
                         Go Fonz!!!

                                     FONZIE
                         Aaaaaa-! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now the exciting comclusion of... 
                         South Park.
 
                                     FONZIE
                          -aaaaaayy-err.  No!  No!  No!  No!
 
                         
                                     RICHIE
                         I told him he couldn't do it. 

               [South Park Elementary, playground. Cartman stands on a platform 
               and is preaching to the kids]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I am saying this because we must be 
                         saved-uh. The LORD is powerful and he 
                         will smote the sinners and send them 
                         to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not 
                         live your life for Him-uh, then to the 
                         lake of fire you shall go-uh! 
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          You see that, parents. Your children 
                         have refused to come into class since 
                         this morning. I'm afraid your son is 
                         the leader, Ms. Cartman.  Apparently 
                         he's read the entire Bible, and now 
                         he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                          Boopie-kins.  It's time to stop preaching 
                         damnation to everyone, sweetie. 
 
                                     STAN
                          Don't you guys, um, persecrute our 
                         religous beliefs.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Yeah!

                                     SHARON
                         We are not trying to persecute you kids, 
                         but you're supposed to be in school.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What purpose does school have? The Bible 
                         says the only goal in this life is to 
                         praise God and get into heaven.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, and this life is short. The afterlife 
                         is forever.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Don't listen to them, kids. You have 
                         to go to school.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He 
                         was a playful school-going eight-year-old. 
                         And then yesterday, he was  smacked 
                         down by the Lord-uh!  God bitch-slapped 
                         him right to the fiery depths of hell. 
                         So when will you go?! Tomorrow?! Ten 
                         years?! Does it mattah?! No! Because 
                         unless you give this life to the Lord, 
                         that life belongs to Satan-uh!  But 
                         we cannot worship God in that church 
                         where that priest of sin resides,  so 
                         we will build a new church-uh. With 
                         crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high, 
                         and a slide that connects this part 
                         hmya  to this part hmya . Who will help 
                         us?
 
                                     KIDS
                          I will.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Praise God-uh!

               [Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan is seen looking at the 
               Bargain Hotel Saddam is in]
 
                                     SATAN
                         If I go spend the night with Saddam, 
                         then it's over between me and Chris. 
                          Chris has been so nice to me and I 
                         know Saddam will just hurt me again. 
                          M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam. 
                         I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need 
                         closure.  What am I doing?? 
 
                                     SADDAM
                          What took yo so long, baby??

                                     SATAN
                          Saddam, I'm just here to talk.

                                     SADDAM
                         Great! Let's talk!  Hm, this bed is 
                         comfy-bumpy.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Saddam, I only came here because I need 
                         closure.
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Sounds fun. You know me—I'll try anything.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         No! Saddam, listen to me.

                                     SADDAM
                         Would you like a drink?

                                     SATAN
                         Um maybe just- a little one.  I have 
                         to go back soon. I need you to understand 
                         that we can't be together anymore.  
                         I need you to not come by the condo 
                         and not try to see me. Chris thinks 
                         we can all be friends, but I don't. 
                         And I have to focus on Chris now.  What 
                         is this?
 
                                     SADDAM
                         These hotels have all kinds of crazy 
                         channels.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris 
                         is a great person. He's the one I wanna 
                         be with now.
 
                                     SADDAM
                          Really? So then... What are you doing 
                         here?  Well I don't know about you, 
                         but this video is gettin' me pretty 
                         hot!
 
                                     SATAN
                          Saddam...

                                     SADDAM
                         Here, have another drink. 

               [Hell, Bargain Hotel, Saddam's room. Satan is sleeping away peacefully]
 
               
                                     SATAN
                          Ooh, whoa. God, my head. Drank too 
                         much.  Chris!  Oh no!! 
 
                                     SADDAM
                          Man, look at that! We went through 
                         14 bottles of vegetable oil!  Ewuh, 
                         I'm all greasy.
 
                                     SATAN
                          Oh God, what time is it?!

                                     SADDAM
                         Last night was awesome! Are we together 
                         again now?
 
                                     SATAN
                         I don't know. I, I guess so, but now 
                         I have to go home and tell Chris.
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         Screw him!!

                                     SATAN
                         No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation! 
                          I jusst don't know what I'm gonna say. 
                         
 
                                     SADDAM
                         I know how to solve this little problem.
 
                         
               [The Baja California coast, Mexico, day. The camera pans slowly 
               to the right.]
 
                                     DRIVER
                          We are now entering Ensenada, the second 
                         largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula. 
                          We have now traveled over 2000 miles 
                         since leaving New York City. We'll just 
                         be stopping here for a few moments for 
                         gas, and then our tour will continue 
                         on to its final destination. 
 
                                     ATTENDANT
                         Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus. 
                         
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Quey? What's stuck to the bottom of 
                         the bus? 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Ahow!)

                                     DRIVER
                         Oh, goodness! We must have run over 
                         a little Mexican further up north. Is 
                         it okay? 
 
                                     ATTENDANT
                         Pienso que sí. 

                                     DRIVER
                         Well, here's fifty for the gas.  Adios.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Where am I?)

                                     ATTENDANT
                         ¿Qué?

                                     KENNY
                         (WHERE AM I?)

                                     ATTENDANT
                         ¿Qué?

               [South Park, day. Cartman's blueprint for his church is shown, 
               then the camera pans right to show the actual construction. A 
               bunch of kids work on the structure, using all sorts of things, 
               including mirrors for wall panels.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This is bea-utiful. Thine church is 
                         almost completed.
 
                                     STAN
                         There's no way God will want to send 
                         us to hell now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, this church kicks a- eh- it kicks!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Hello, boys. 

                                     KYLE
                         Don't try to take me away again, Mom 
                         and Dad! I told you! I renounced the 
                         Jewish faith!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's not that, Kyle. It's just that 
                         Eric's mother needs to see you all right 
                         away! Just really quick—she says it's 
                         very important.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to 
                         mine home and see what mine mom wants. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I sure hope this woiks.

               [Cartman's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter. Dialog 
               from "Not Without My Anus," set to an organ and canned laughter, 
               is heard as the boys make their way across a living room littered 
               with toys of all sorts. The room is decorated so that the boys 
               would forget their "mission" and just play for one afternoon. 
               Liane shows up with a Cartman favorite.]
 
                                     LIANE
                         Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered 
                         dougnut pancake surprise.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, cool.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! This is a trick! Do not vex me, 
                         oh temptress!
 
                                     LIANE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is a distraction from our work 
                         on the church!  Do not think that you 
                         can tempt us with toys  and new games 
                          and tidings of powdered dougnut pancake 
                         surprise! For it is the AFTERLIFE we 
                         have concerned ourselves with!  Not 
                         the pleasures of this earth, but salvarion 
                         in the world aftah!!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     LIANE
                         Oh. Well,  alrighty then.

               [The Cartman kitchen, moments later. Liane enters. Sister Anne 
               waits with Stan's and Kyle's parents]
 
                                     LIANE
                         I... don't think it worked.

                                     ALL
                         Aw .

               [The Cartman living room, moments later.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let us get back to our work at the church 
                          Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah. 
                          Hello?
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help 
                         me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh my God!!

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond 
                         the grave!
 
                                     STAN
                         Kenny?!  What's he say?!

                                     KYLE
                          Ask him what hell is like.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny! You have to tell us about hell! 
                         Give us every last horrible detail!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Um...) 

               [Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan has returned, and is outside 
               the door to his condo]
 
                                     SATAN
                         Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so mad at 
                         me. Well, here it goes. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Hey you.

                                     SATAN
                         Hi, Chris. 

                                     CHRIS
                         You... were out all night.

                                     SATAN
                         Yeah, I just... spent the night walking 
                         around the marina.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Satan. You know you're not a very good 
                         liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't 
                         you?
 
                                     SATAN
                          Yes. 

                                     CHRIS
                          Satan, I understand.

                                     SATAN
                          What?

                                     CHRIS
                         I still feel secure and safe with you.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                          Oh, n-NO!

                                     CHRIS
                          What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         I know.

                                     CHRIS
                         Well, what more do you want from me?
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                          Well-, could you not be such a pussy 
                         about it? I mean, can't you just say 
                         "If you ever see Saddam again, I'll 
                         break your legs!" or, or "I'm gonna 
                         go kick Saddam's ass!" or something?
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Satan, I'm a Nineties man. I cry when 
                         I need to. I share my feelings and I 
                         keep my mind open about everything.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Just... give me some boundaries, be jealous, 
                         go throw a football around, for Christ's 
                         sake.
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                          Ah-, I'm sorry, Chris, it's... it's not 
                         you, really, it's, it's me.  You're 
                         the best thing that's ever happened 
                         to me, and for some reason, I just can't 
                         accept that. 
 
                                     SADDAM
                          Die, pussy! 

                                     CHRIS
                         Aaaah!

                                     SATAN
                          Chris!  Saddam, what the hell are you 
                         doing?!
 
                                     SADDAM
                          There. I got rid of the problem for 
                         you. Now there's no conflict.
 
                                     SATAN
                          No! Not like this!

               [South Park, day. Cartman's church is finished. Red carpet, purple 
               doors... His new followers are gathered inside]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Friends, I have to tell you that last 
                         night I received a phone call from beyond 
                         the grave-eh.  It was our departed friend, 
                         Kennih! Calling from the depths of hell! 
                         And he described what hell is like in 
                         horrid detail-uh.  He said that in hell, 
                         the smell is awful. He said that in 
                         hell, everyone speaks Spanish.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Waah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         He said there is water in hell, but 
                         if you drink it you pee blood out your 
                         ass for seven hours-uh!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Whoa!

                                     CARTMAN
                         And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there 
                         are dozens and dozens of little trinket 
                         stores! But they all have the same little 
                         trinkets in them-eh!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Waah! 

                                     FATHER
                         Where is our daughter.

                                     DAUGHTER
                          Dad?

                                     FATHER
                         Marcy! You're coming home this instant!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          We are saving your daughter from the 
                         clutches of hell, suh! 
 
                                     FATHER
                         You're not gonna make my daughter part 
                         of your cult!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Your daughter could die tomorrow, and 
                         then what?!
 
                                     FATHER
                          You're just a stupid little fat kid 
                         who thinks that-  Aaaah! 
 
                                     MOTHER
                         Stephen?  Steven, no!

                                     CARTMAN
                         The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive 
                         us, Lord, for our sins!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Forgive us, Lord.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let us pray.  Heavenly Father, do not 
                         send us to hell. We're sorry, Whatever 
                         we did, we're sorry.
 
                                     MOTHER
                          Stephen? Stephen??

               [Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they 
               are, and why.]
 
                                     STEPHEN
                         Where, where am I?

                                     MAN
                         Where are we?

                                     MAN 2
                         No doubt about it...

                                     WOMAN
                         What's happening??

                                     MAN 3
                         Oooooooooh!

                                     SPEAKER
                         Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody 
                         hear me?  Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay. 
                          Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks 
                         like we have about 8,615 of you newbies 
                         today, and for those of you who are 
                         a little confused, uh, you are dead, 
                         and this is hell, so, abandon all hope 
                         and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now 
                         going to start the orientation process, 
                         which will last about-
 
                                     MAN 4
                         Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here. 
                         I wa a totally strict and devout Protestant! 
                         I thought we went to heaven!
 
                                     HELL DIRECTOR
                         Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
 
                         
                                     SOLDIER
                         I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness. 
                         Uh, you picked the wrong religion as 
                         well.
 
                                     MAN 5
                         Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
 
                         
                                     HELL DIRECTOR
                         I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, 
                         the Mormons were the correct answer.
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                          Awww.

                                     HELL DIRECTOR
                         So now I'd like to quickly introduce 
                         your new ruler and master for eternity, 
                         Satan!
 
                                     SATAN
                          Oooyeah!

                                     CROWD
                         Aaaaahh!

                                     SATAN
                         Now you are all part of my domain! Everyday 
                         in hell grows larger as my minions... 
                         my m-minions uh...  muh, I'm sorry. I 
                         just can't do this today. I'm just... 
                         I'm sorry. 
 
                                     HELL DIRECTOR
                         Uh, okay. Thank you Satan. Now, uh, 
                         let's begin with the Muslims...
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Satan!  'Scuse me. Excuse me.

                                     SATAN
                         Chris!  But I thought you were dead!
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Yeah, well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab 
                         you in-
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Hey, it's alright. All that matters 
                         is that I'm back, and we're together 
                         forever. Right?
 
                                     SATAN
                         Uh, ...yeah. Gr-great.

                                     CROWD
                         Awww.

               [Cartman's house, night. Cartman is working at a coffee table 
               in the living room with Clyde Frog and a Bible]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Let's see. Matthew 15:11. "Not that 
                         which goeth into the mouth defileth 
                         a man; but that which comes OUT of the 
                         mouth defileth a man." That's a good 
                         one, Clyde Frog. Interesting. 
 
                                     LIANE
                          Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit 
                         you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister, 
                         but I must prepare for my next sermon. 
                         
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                          Eric, you need to stop what you're 
                         doing. You need to tell all the kids 
                         to go back to school, and back to their 
                         normal lives.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sister, have you read this book.

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Then you know what it says happens to 
                         those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
 
                         
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody 
                         to hell. That wouldn't make sense. He 
                         wants people to live their llives.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Are you saying that what the Bible says 
                         isn't true?
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                         No.

                                     CARTMAN
                         We've got Jews and perverts and bullies 
                         and all kinds of sinners in this town, 
                         Sister Anne-uh! And without the priest 
                         we've decided to save ourselves. The 
                         only ones that kids can trust now are 
                         me and Jesus! 
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                          Uugh.  Wait a minute. That's it. 
 
                         
                                     TELEVANGELIST
                          ...And I'm gonna save all of you right 
                         now.  I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa.

               [Hell, Bargain Hotel. Chris approaches and goes to Room 16, and 
               knocks on the door]
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!

                                     CHRIS
                         Yeah. It's me.

                                     SADDAM
                         I thought I killed you!

                                     CHRIS
                         Yeah,

                                     SADDAM, CHRIS
                         Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         Right, right.

                                     CHRIS
                         Do you have a couple of minutes to go 
                         for a walk?
 
                                     SADDAM
                         A walk?

                                     CHRIS
                         Yeah. Just real quick. Around the park 
                         or somethin'.
 
                                     SADDAM
                          Is this some kind of trick?

                                     CHRIS
                         No, I just want you to go for a quick 
                         walk with me. Please?
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Well, alright. Just let me grab somethin' 
                         real quick.  Okay, let's walk. 
 
               [Hell, the park. Saddam and Chris walk side by side]

                                     CHRIS
                         Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't 
                         like me very much.
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When 
                         I stabbed you in the head?!
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Look, Satan is a very important person 
                         to me. And I know he's an important 
                         person to you, too. So don't you think 
                         it's best for us to just- try and get 
                         along? I realize that some things about 
                         me bother you. So I'd like to hear what 
                         those things are so that I can work 
                         on them.
 
                                     SADDAM
                         You know what I don't like you, Chris? 
                         Because you're the kind of guy who, 
                         if someone didn't like him, would take 
                         him for a walk in the park and ask him 
                         why. You're a pussy! 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Aaaah!  Oh God!

                                     SADDAM
                         Ah hahaha!

                                     CHRIS
                         Nooo! Agh! 

                                     SADDAM
                         Aaaaaah! 

                                     CHRIS
                         Ow!  Goo-aagh! 

               [Cartman's church, next day. The child congregation is gathered 
               again at the church. Organ music plays]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Today this Jewish boy and all sinners 
                         are going to be saved-uh! Kyle, do you 
                         believe in God-uh?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yes!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yes!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's good, because right now, all 
                         the Jewness is comin' out of your body, 
                         bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh! 
                          Theah!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Ow! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Praise God! How do you feel now? Do 
                         you feel the light of God inside o'ya?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Uh, I think so.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Praise the Lord-uh!

                                     CROWD
                          Praise the Lord. Halleluyah! Praise 
                         God! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         For he is Lord, he is Lord... Bring up 
                         the next person!  This boy has been 
                         crippled with sin-uh. But I hear God 
                         saying that this boy will walk!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh-ah Halleluyah!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiiiy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         We are gonna save you and you are gonna 
                         walk with the Lord-uh!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiiiy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Devil be  GOAN-uh!

                                     TIMMY
                         Haaaaah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now WALK, Timmih! 

                                     TIMMY
                         Haaaaah.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Come on, Timmy, get out of that chair-uh!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Haah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         The Lord wants you to walk,Timmih! Oo-WALK, 
                         Timmih! 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmilih? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         He walks-uh!

                                     KIDS
                         Whoa!

                                     TIMMY
                         Oh-aah. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! Praise the Lord!

                                     KIDS
                         Praise the Lord!

               [Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan is talking to somebody outside]
 
               
                                     SATAN
                         And now it's like there's one guy who's 
                         horrible to me but I'm totally sexually 
                         attracted to, and then one guy who's 
                         really nice to me but I'm not sexually 
                         attracted to at all.
 
                                     BLONDE GIRL
                         Wow, that really sucks.

                                     SATAN
                         I've asked everybody for advice, but 
                         nobody seems to know the answer.
 
                                     BLONDE GIRL
                         Well, there is one person who I always 
                         used to ask when I needed advice.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Who?

                                     BLONDE GIRL
                         God.

                                     SATAN
                          God?? I can't do that. I haven't spoken 
                         to God in like, 5000 years.
 
                                     BLONDE GIRL
                         Well then, maybe it's time.

               [Cartman's church, day. The child congregation is singing and 
               clapping outside and inside. Timmy is back, with a bandaged head]
 
               
                                     KIDS
                         Do dodo dum do dodo. Do dodo dum do 
                         dodo.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Where 
                         are you from, little boy? 
 
                                     BOY
                         Denver.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And God is telling me that you have... 
                         bad eyesight. Is that it?
 
                                     BOY
                         Yeah, that's right.

                                     KIDS
                         Wooooo!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, 
                         and save you from the devil begone! 
                         
 
                                     BOY
                         Aaah. 

                                     KIDS
                         Hooray!

                                     CARTMAN
                         For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Right 
                         here we have a little girl who is very, 
                         very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna 
                         cure your face of the uglies?!
 
                                     UGLY GIRL
                         Yes!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         He is gonna take that ugly face and 
                         make you reasonable to look at!  Bah!
 
                         
                                     UGLY GIRL
                         Waah.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good 
                         Lord, somebody say "Amen!"
 
                                     KIDS
                         Amen! 

                                     ALL
                         Lord Lord Lord.

               [A flash of white, and the light dims enough to show clouds roiling 
               in the sky. Satan comes up quickly, and then stops. This is heaven. 
               A group of Mormon souls gather around him]
 
                                     MORMON 1
                         Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've 
                         followed the Mormon faith, and so you've 
                         been let in!
 
                                     SATAN
                         Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by.
 
                         
                                     MORMON 2
                         Well, you've picked a great time! We've 
                         got cookies and punch and we're just 
                         about to start playing charades.
 
                                     MORMONS
                          Alright. Yeah.

                                     MORMON 1
                         And then, brother Stephen's brought 
                         his guitar so we can sing songs about 
                         how much it hurts to lie.
 
                                     MORMONS
                         Ooooo!

                                     MORMON 3
                         Yeahahah!

                                     SATAN
                         Ah, look, I just need to talk with God. 
                         Is he around?
 
                                     MORMON 2
                         Sure. All you have to do is say his 
                         name and he's there.
 
                                     MORMON 1
                         I'm so grateful for that.

                                     MORMONS
                          Me, too. Uh huh.

                                     SATAN
                         Great. Thanks. 

               [Heaven, a separate area. Satan walks into it and turns to the 
               camera]
 
                                     SATAN
                          Ah. Hello? g-God? It's uh... Satan. 
 
                         
                                     GOD
                          Yea. Look upon me, and know me.

                                     SATAN
                         Hi, God.

                                     GOD
                         Hello, Satan.  It's- been a long time.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Yeah.

                                     GOD
                         What brings you here? Do you wish to 
                         mount your unholy war against heaven?
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         No, I hae a problem, and I- need your 
                         advice.
 
                                     GOD
                         You want to rule more than hell? You 
                         want to destroy the earth?
 
                                     SATAN
                         No, it's kind of a long story but, well, 
                         it all started when this Iraqi dictator, 
                         Saddam Hussein , was killed by a pack 
                         of wild boars. I remember when I first 
                         met him in hell. It was a lovely morning 
                         in April...
 
               [Cartman's church, day. Cartman leads the kids in singing and 
               rolls on his back a few times.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Halleluyah! Praise the Lord! And now, 
                         I'm receiving a message directly from 
                         God-uh! God is telling me that... each 
                         and every one of you is to walk up to 
                         the stage, and give me one dollar!  
                         So I want everyone to feel the love 
                         of God by coming up heah , and putting 
                         a dollar in the box-ah!  Come on, don't 
                         be shy! Come on now! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, that seems- kind of- weird.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I don't remember him saying anything 
                         about this.
 
               [Heaven, a separate area. Satan finishes his story]

                                     SATAN
                         Heh-and now Chris and Saddam just keep 
                         killing each other over and over and... 
                         I don't know which one to pick.
 
                                     GOD
                          Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Huh?

                                     GOD
                         You got kicked out of here for being 
                         a headstrong rebel. And now you're a 
                         whiny little bitch.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Well, I just don't know which one to 
                         pick.
 
                                     GOD
                         No, you've become dependent on relationships. 
                         So you haven't even considered the option 
                         of not being with either of them.  And 
                         if you're not sexually attracted to 
                         someone, you're not ever going to be. 
                         But Saddam isn't right either. He's 
                         the other extreme. You need to spend 
                         time alone so that you can find the 
                         balance, the middle ground. That's what 
                         I always do, because I'm a Buddhist.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         God, you're right. You know, I've had 
                         steady relationships for the last... thousand 
                         years, and when one ends I just start 
                         another one, but... I haven't taken the 
                         time to be secure with myself.
 
                                     GOD
                         Bingo. 

                                     SATAN
                         Hey- Thanks, God. I forgot how clear 
                         you make things sometimes.
 
                                     GOD
                         It was nice to see you again, Satan.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         You too.

                                     GOD
                         Good-bye. 

                                     MORMON 2
                         Would you like to stay for some cookies 
                         and punch?
 
                                     MORMON 1
                         Yes, would you?

                                     SATAN
                         Uh, no, I need to be getting back.
 
                         
                                     MORMON 2
                         Oh, alright then, but you're gonna miss 
                         our big play.
 
                                     MORMON 4
                         Yes. We're going to do a play about 
                         how alcohol can ruin family life.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Wow. That sounds great, but uh, I really- 
                         gotta go. 
 
                                     MORMON 1
                         Wehull, he seemed like a nice fellow.
 
                         
                                     MORMON 4
                         Yes. 

                                     MORMON 2
                         Let's go make things out of egg cartons.
 
                         
                                     MORMONS
                          Oooo, yeah. I'll do that.

               [Cartman's church, day. The singing and clapping have resumed. 
               Stan and Kyle go through some curtains to the back of the church.]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeess.  Yeess.  It worked, you guys, 
                         it actually worked!
 
                                     STAN
                         What worked?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eheverybody bought the whole act! They 
                         keep giving and giving until we have 
                         it all!
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         What??

                                     KYLE
                         You're keeping that money yourself?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Of course, you guys! And then we can 
                         make... ten million dollars!  Look, the 
                         tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy 
                         band thing didn't last, so I tried this 
                         route.
 
                                     STAN
                         Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. You mean that 
                         this whole thing has just been a way 
                         for you to make ten million dollars?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         It all came to me days ago, when we 
                         were first in Sunday school.
 
                                     STAN
                          Well, what about going to hell and 
                         all that?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, if God is all-understanding, he 
                         wouldn't send us to hell. Even Sister 
                         Anne told me that.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Then why didn't you tell us?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         My brain is of a much larger size than 
                         you guys's. I couldn't expect you to 
                         understand, not until you actually saw 
                         the cash flow!
 
                                     KYLE
                         The only thing of yours that's larger 
                         in size is your big fat ass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Suck my balls!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I an so disillusioned right now.
 
                         
               [Somewhere in hell. Chris and Saddam are fighting once again. 
               Saddam charges at him with a gray brick]
 
                                     SADDAM
                         Die, pussy! 

                                     CHRIS
                         Ow! 

                                     SADDAM
                         Aaaah! 

                                     CHRIS
                         Aaaah! 

                                     SATAN
                         Guys, guys, guys!  Look, you both can 
                         stop fighting now! I've made a decision.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         You have?

                                     SATAN
                         Yes. I... don't want to be with either 
                         one of you.
 
                                     CHRIS, SADDAM
                         What?!

                                     SATAN
                         Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll 
                         never be the friend that I want. And 
                         Chris, well, you're a pussy. And you'll 
                         never be the lover I want.  So I'm just 
                         gonna be alone for a while and learn 
                         to like myself. 
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         No, I'm not going on a walk! You're 
                         a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy; 
                         go away!
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Fine. 

                                     SADDAM
                         Hell, you can't leave me, Satan! I won't 
                         let you! 
 
               [Cartman's church, next day. Cartman holds forth. Stan and Kyle 
               stand behind the collection box as kids stop by and put in their 
               $1 donations]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Today is another day! And that's another 
                         dollar the Lord needs from you-uh! So 
                         come on up and give to the Lord-uh! 
                         
 
                                     SISTER ANNE
                          Alright kids, it's time to go! It's 
                         time for this to stop!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sister Anne is a blasphemer!

                                     SISTER ANNE
                         I know you won't listen to me. That's 
                         why I brought somebody else. 
 
                                     KIDS
                          Wow!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Jesus!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh oh.

                                     JESUS
                         Kids, you need to all stop spending 
                         all your time here and go back to school.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Jesus, ixnay on the oolschay.

                                     JESUS
                         God doesn't want you to spend all your 
                         time being afraid of hell, or praising 
                         His name. God wants you to spend your 
                         time helping others, and living a good, 
                         happy life. That's how you live for 
                         Him.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ee-yes, by doing that,  and, putting 
                         a dollar in the box-uh!
 
                                     BEBE
                         Let's go ice-skating.

                                     OTHER KIDS
                         Yea. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhwe can help Timmy learn how to ice-skate, 
                         too.
 
                                     BOY
                         Yeah. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          No, come back! You face everlasting 
                         damnation!  Wait! No! No!  I can't be 
                         cheated out of my ten million dollars 
                         again! God damnit!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Serves you right, Cartman!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     JESUS
                         But Eric, I think this time I have to 
                         teach you a lesson! I'm sending you 
                         somewhere to think about your sins!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're gonna send me to hell?

                                     JESUS
                         No. Worse!

               [Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the baackground. 
               A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman 
               off, then pulls away.]
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Eric! Eric!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw, crap!

               [Hell, the park. Satan is strolling through the park in a happy 
               mood]
 
                                     SATAN
                          Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick.

                                     RICK
                         Hi, Satan.

                                     SADDAM
                          There you are!

                                     SATAN
                          Awgh. Not again.

                                     SADDAM
                         You know you can't live without me. 
                         Now GET THAT ASS BACK TO BED!
 
                                     SATAN
                         Saddam, I told you: I don't need you 
                         anymore!
 
                                     SADDAM
                         You can't leave me, Satan. Nobody leaves 
                         me.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Yes I can! Raaarrr 

                                     SADDAM
                         Aw, you little -prick!

                                     SATAN
                         Good-bye forever, Saddam!

                                     SADDAM
                          What are you talking about?! You can 
                         kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     SATAN
                         Not this time! I asked a favor of an 
                         old friend of mine to let you in!
 
                         
                                     SADDAM
                         Let me in where? 

               [Heaven, Saddam is whisked into it, as Satan was]

                                     SADDAM
                         What the? Hey, what the hell is this 
                         place?!
 
                                     MORMON 5
                         Hello, and welcome.

                                     MORMON 1
                         We're glad you made it, brother.

                                     SADDAM
                         Ey, who the hell are you?

                                     MORMON 6
                         We're just about to do a play, about 
                         how much stealing hurts you deep inside. 
                         Come join us. 
 
                                     MORMONS
                          Yes. Come on. Let's go.

                                     MORMON 6
                         You're here forever. 

                                     SADDAM
                         Nooo! Nu- nooooooooooo!

               THE END

Probably



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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