[Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation]
Previously on South Park...
Today, we're going to talk about hell.
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Saddam appears at Satan's door]
[The Broflovski house. Sheila and Kyle are talking]
Us Jews don't believe in hell.
...But what if we're wrong?
[South Park Avenue, day. The kids begin crossing the street]
...they've killed Kenny!
And he had sins that he didn't confess!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, dinner. Saddam tries to arouse
Satan under the table. Satan swats Saddam's arm away]
No, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
[The church rectory. Preist Maxi is talking to the boys]
Boys, it is your Christian duty to save
the souls of your friends!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, bedtime. Satan and Chris are
I love you, Satan.
I love you too, Saddam.
[The Pacific Ocean. A man drives a speedboat. Richie Cunningham,
Ralph Malph, and Potsy Weber go along for the ride, and Arthur
Fonzarelli stands behind the boat on water skis. Wait...]
Fonz, there's no way you can jump that
shark with your water skis.
Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.
[The church confessional, day. Cartman opens the penitent door
and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition]
Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's
gonna save us?
Well, it looks like we're gonna have
to save everyone in this town ourselves!
[The beach. Richie, Potsy, Ralph, and Joanie are on the shore
watching the boat driver take Fonzie on his stunt. On shore is
a sign posted on a pair of surfboards that reads "GO FONZ!!!"]
And now the exciting comclusion of...
-aaaaaayy-err. No! No! No! No!
I told him he couldn't do it.
[South Park Elementary, playground. Cartman stands on a platform
and is preaching to the kids]
I am saying this because we must be
saved-uh. The LORD is powerful and he
will smote the sinners and send them
to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not
live your life for Him-uh, then to the
lake of fire you shall go-uh!
You see that, parents. Your children
have refused to come into class since
this morning. I'm afraid your son is
the leader, Ms. Cartman. Apparently
he's read the entire Bible, and now
he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Boopie-kins. It's time to stop preaching
damnation to everyone, sweetie.
Don't you guys, um, persecrute our
We are not trying to persecute you kids,
but you're supposed to be in school.
What purpose does school have? The Bible
says the only goal in this life is to
praise God and get into heaven.
Yeah, and this life is short. The afterlife
Don't listen to them, kids. You have
to go to school.
Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He
was a playful school-going eight-year-old.
And then yesterday, he was smacked
down by the Lord-uh! God bitch-slapped
him right to the fiery depths of hell.
So when will you go?! Tomorrow?! Ten
years?! Does it mattah?! No! Because
unless you give this life to the Lord,
that life belongs to Satan-uh! But
we cannot worship God in that church
where that priest of sin resides, so
we will build a new church-uh. With
crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high,
and a slide that connects this part
hmya to this part hmya . Who will help
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan is seen looking at the
Bargain Hotel Saddam is in]
If I go spend the night with Saddam,
then it's over between me and Chris.
Chris has been so nice to me and I
know Saddam will just hurt me again.
M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam.
I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need
closure. What am I doing??
What took yo so long, baby??
Saddam, I'm just here to talk.
Great! Let's talk! Hm, this bed is
Saddam, I only came here because I need
Sounds fun. You know me—I'll try anything.
No! Saddam, listen to me.
Would you like a drink?
Um maybe just- a little one. I have
to go back soon. I need you to understand
that we can't be together anymore.
I need you to not come by the condo
and not try to see me. Chris thinks
we can all be friends, but I don't.
And I have to focus on Chris now. What
These hotels have all kinds of crazy
Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris
is a great person. He's the one I wanna
be with now.
Really? So then... What are you doing
here? Well I don't know about you,
but this video is gettin' me pretty
Here, have another drink.
[Hell, Bargain Hotel, Saddam's room. Satan is sleeping away peacefully]
Ooh, whoa. God, my head. Drank too
much. Chris! Oh no!!
Man, look at that! We went through
14 bottles of vegetable oil! Ewuh,
I'm all greasy.
Oh God, what time is it?!
Last night was awesome! Are we together
I don't know. I, I guess so, but now
I have to go home and tell Chris.
No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation!
I jusst don't know what I'm gonna say.
I know how to solve this little problem.
[The Baja California coast, Mexico, day. The camera pans slowly
to the right.]
We are now entering Ensenada, the second
largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula.
We have now traveled over 2000 miles
since leaving New York City. We'll just
be stopping here for a few moments for
gas, and then our tour will continue
on to its final destination.
Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus.
Quey? What's stuck to the bottom of
Oh, goodness! We must have run over
a little Mexican further up north. Is
Pienso que sí.
Well, here's fifty for the gas. Adios.
(Where am I?)
(WHERE AM I?)
[South Park, day. Cartman's blueprint for his church is shown,
then the camera pans right to show the actual construction. A
bunch of kids work on the structure, using all sorts of things,
including mirrors for wall panels.]
This is bea-utiful. Thine church is
There's no way God will want to send
us to hell now.
Yeah, this church kicks a- eh- it kicks!
Don't try to take me away again, Mom
and Dad! I told you! I renounced the
It's not that, Kyle. It's just that
Eric's mother needs to see you all right
away! Just really quick—she says it's
Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to
mine home and see what mine mom wants.
I sure hope this woiks.
[Cartman's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter. Dialog
from "Not Without My Anus," set to an organ and canned laughter,
is heard as the boys make their way across a living room littered
with toys of all sorts. The room is decorated so that the boys
would forget their "mission" and just play for one afternoon.
Liane shows up with a Cartman favorite.]
Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered
dougnut pancake surprise.
No! This is a trick! Do not vex me,
This is a distraction from our work
on the church! Do not think that you
can tempt us with toys and new games
and tidings of powdered dougnut pancake
surprise! For it is the AFTERLIFE we
have concerned ourselves with! Not
the pleasures of this earth, but salvarion
in the world aftah!!
Oh. Well, alrighty then.
[The Cartman kitchen, moments later. Liane enters. Sister Anne
waits with Stan's and Kyle's parents]
I... don't think it worked.
[The Cartman living room, moments later.]
Let us get back to our work at the church
Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah.
(Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help
me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
Oh my God!!
It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond
Kenny?! What's he say?!
Ask him what hell is like.
Kenny! You have to tell us about hell!
Give us every last horrible detail!
[Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan has returned, and is outside
the door to his condo]
Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so mad at
me. Well, here it goes.
You... were out all night.
Yeah, I just... spent the night walking
around the marina.
Satan. You know you're not a very good
liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't
Satan, I understand.
I still feel secure and safe with you.
What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.
Well, what more do you want from me?
Well-, could you not be such a pussy
about it? I mean, can't you just say
"If you ever see Saddam again, I'll
break your legs!" or, or "I'm gonna
go kick Saddam's ass!" or something?
Satan, I'm a Nineties man. I cry when
I need to. I share my feelings and I
keep my mind open about everything.
Just... give me some boundaries, be jealous,
go throw a football around, for Christ's
Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
Ah-, I'm sorry, Chris, it's... it's not
you, really, it's, it's me. You're
the best thing that's ever happened
to me, and for some reason, I just can't
Chris! Saddam, what the hell are you
There. I got rid of the problem for
you. Now there's no conflict.
No! Not like this!
[South Park, day. Cartman's church is finished. Red carpet, purple
doors... His new followers are gathered inside]
Friends, I have to tell you that last
night I received a phone call from beyond
the grave-eh. It was our departed friend,
Kennih! Calling from the depths of hell!
And he described what hell is like in
horrid detail-uh. He said that in hell,
the smell is awful. He said that in
hell, everyone speaks Spanish.
He said there is water in hell, but
if you drink it you pee blood out your
ass for seven hours-uh!
And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there
are dozens and dozens of little trinket
stores! But they all have the same little
trinkets in them-eh!
Where is our daughter.
Marcy! You're coming home this instant!
We are saving your daughter from the
clutches of hell, suh!
You're not gonna make my daughter part
of your cult!
Your daughter could die tomorrow, and
You're just a stupid little fat kid
who thinks that- Aaaah!
Stephen? Steven, no!
The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive
us, Lord, for our sins!
Forgive us, Lord.
Let us pray. Heavenly Father, do not
send us to hell. We're sorry, Whatever
we did, we're sorry.
[Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they
are, and why.]
Where, where am I?
Where are we?
No doubt about it...
Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody
hear me? Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay.
Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks
like we have about 8,615 of you newbies
today, and for those of you who are
a little confused, uh, you are dead,
and this is hell, so, abandon all hope
and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now
going to start the orientation process,
which will last about-
Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here.
I wa a totally strict and devout Protestant!
I thought we went to heaven!
Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Uh, you picked the wrong religion as
Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes,
the Mormons were the correct answer.
So now I'd like to quickly introduce
your new ruler and master for eternity,
Now you are all part of my domain! Everyday
in hell grows larger as my minions...
my m-minions uh... muh, I'm sorry. I
just can't do this today. I'm just...
Uh, okay. Thank you Satan. Now, uh,
let's begin with the Muslims...
Satan! 'Scuse me. Excuse me.
Chris! But I thought you were dead!
Yeah, well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab
Hey, it's alright. All that matters
is that I'm back, and we're together
Uh, ...yeah. Gr-great.
[Cartman's house, night. Cartman is working at a coffee table
in the living room with Clyde Frog and a Bible]
Let's see. Matthew 15:11. "Not that
which goeth into the mouth defileth
a man; but that which comes OUT of the
mouth defileth a man." That's a good
one, Clyde Frog. Interesting.
Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit
Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister,
but I must prepare for my next sermon.
Eric, you need to stop what you're
doing. You need to tell all the kids
to go back to school, and back to their
Sister, have you read this book.
Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have.
Then you know what it says happens to
those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody
to hell. That wouldn't make sense. He
wants people to live their llives.
Are you saying that what the Bible says
We've got Jews and perverts and bullies
and all kinds of sinners in this town,
Sister Anne-uh! And without the priest
we've decided to save ourselves. The
only ones that kids can trust now are
me and Jesus!
Uugh. Wait a minute. That's it.
...And I'm gonna save all of you right
now. I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.
[Hell, Bargain Hotel. Chris approaches and goes to Room 16, and
knocks on the door]
Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!
Yeah. It's me.
I thought I killed you!
Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Do you have a couple of minutes to go
for a walk?
Yeah. Just real quick. Around the park
Is this some kind of trick?
No, I just want you to go for a quick
walk with me. Please?
Well, alright. Just let me grab somethin'
real quick. Okay, let's walk.
[Hell, the park. Saddam and Chris walk side by side]
Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't
like me very much.
Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When
I stabbed you in the head?!
Look, Satan is a very important person
to me. And I know he's an important
person to you, too. So don't you think
it's best for us to just- try and get
along? I realize that some things about
me bother you. So I'd like to hear what
those things are so that I can work
You know what I don't like you, Chris?
Because you're the kind of guy who,
if someone didn't like him, would take
him for a walk in the park and ask him
why. You're a pussy!
Aaaah! Oh God!
[Cartman's church, next day. The child congregation is gathered
again at the church. Organ music plays]
Today this Jewish boy and all sinners
are going to be saved-uh! Kyle, do you
believe in God-uh?!
Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!
That's good, because right now, all
the Jewness is comin' out of your body,
bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh!
Praise God! How do you feel now? Do
you feel the light of God inside o'ya?
Uh, I think so.
Praise the Lord-uh!
Praise the Lord. Halleluyah! Praise
For he is Lord, he is Lord... Bring up
the next person! This boy has been
crippled with sin-uh. But I hear God
saying that this boy will walk!
We are gonna save you and you are gonna
walk with the Lord-uh!
Devil be GOAN-uh!
Now WALK, Timmih!
Come on, Timmy, get out of that chair-uh!
The Lord wants you to walk,Timmih! Oo-WALK,
Yes! Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
[Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan is talking to somebody outside]
And now it's like there's one guy who's
horrible to me but I'm totally sexually
attracted to, and then one guy who's
really nice to me but I'm not sexually
attracted to at all.
Wow, that really sucks.
I've asked everybody for advice, but
nobody seems to know the answer.
Well, there is one person who I always
used to ask when I needed advice.
God?? I can't do that. I haven't spoken
to God in like, 5000 years.
Well then, maybe it's time.
[Cartman's church, day. The child congregation is singing and
clapping outside and inside. Timmy is back, with a bandaged head]
Do dodo dum do dodo. Do dodo dum do
For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Where
are you from, little boy?
And God is telling me that you have...
bad eyesight. Is that it?
Yeah, that's right.
Well, God is gonna heal those eyes,
and save you from the devil begone!
For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Right
here we have a little girl who is very,
very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna
cure your face of the uglies?!
He is gonna take that ugly face and
make you reasonable to look at! Bah!
Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good
Lord, somebody say "Amen!"
Lord Lord Lord.
[A flash of white, and the light dims enough to show clouds roiling
in the sky. Satan comes up quickly, and then stops. This is heaven.
A group of Mormon souls gather around him]
Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've
followed the Mormon faith, and so you've
been let in!
Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by.
Well, you've picked a great time! We've
got cookies and punch and we're just
about to start playing charades.
And then, brother Stephen's brought
his guitar so we can sing songs about
how much it hurts to lie.
Ah, look, I just need to talk with God.
Is he around?
Sure. All you have to do is say his
name and he's there.
I'm so grateful for that.
Me, too. Uh huh.
[Heaven, a separate area. Satan walks into it and turns to the
Ah. Hello? g-God? It's uh... Satan.
Yea. Look upon me, and know me.
Hello, Satan. It's- been a long time.
What brings you here? Do you wish to
mount your unholy war against heaven?
No, I hae a problem, and I- need your
You want to rule more than hell? You
want to destroy the earth?
No, it's kind of a long story but, well,
it all started when this Iraqi dictator,
Saddam Hussein , was killed by a pack
of wild boars. I remember when I first
met him in hell. It was a lovely morning
[Cartman's church, day. Cartman leads the kids in singing and
rolls on his back a few times.]
Halleluyah! Praise the Lord! And now,
I'm receiving a message directly from
God-uh! God is telling me that... each
and every one of you is to walk up to
the stage, and give me one dollar!
So I want everyone to feel the love
of God by coming up heah , and putting
a dollar in the box-ah! Come on, don't
be shy! Come on now!
Dude, that seems- kind of- weird.
Yeah. I don't remember him saying anything
[Heaven, a separate area. Satan finishes his story]
Heh-and now Chris and Saddam just keep
killing each other over and over and...
I don't know which one to pick.
Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
You got kicked out of here for being
a headstrong rebel. And now you're a
whiny little bitch.
Well, I just don't know which one to
No, you've become dependent on relationships.
So you haven't even considered the option
of not being with either of them. And
if you're not sexually attracted to
someone, you're not ever going to be.
But Saddam isn't right either. He's
the other extreme. You need to spend
time alone so that you can find the
balance, the middle ground. That's what
I always do, because I'm a Buddhist.
God, you're right. You know, I've had
steady relationships for the last... thousand
years, and when one ends I just start
another one, but... I haven't taken the
time to be secure with myself.
Hey- Thanks, God. I forgot how clear
you make things sometimes.
It was nice to see you again, Satan.
Would you like to stay for some cookies
Yes, would you?
Uh, no, I need to be getting back.
Oh, alright then, but you're gonna miss
our big play.
Yes. We're going to do a play about
how alcohol can ruin family life.
Wow. That sounds great, but uh, I really-
Wehull, he seemed like a nice fellow.
Let's go make things out of egg cartons.
Oooo, yeah. I'll do that.
[Cartman's church, day. The singing and clapping have resumed.
Stan and Kyle go through some curtains to the back of the church.]
Yeess. Yeess. It worked, you guys,
it actually worked!
Eheverybody bought the whole act! They
keep giving and giving until we have
You're keeping that money yourself?
Of course, you guys! And then we can
make... ten million dollars! Look, the
tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy
band thing didn't last, so I tried this
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. You mean that
this whole thing has just been a way
for you to make ten million dollars?
It all came to me days ago, when we
were first in Sunday school.
Well, what about going to hell and
Dude, if God is all-understanding, he
wouldn't send us to hell. Even Sister
Anne told me that.
Then why didn't you tell us?!
My brain is of a much larger size than
you guys's. I couldn't expect you to
understand, not until you actually saw
the cash flow!
The only thing of yours that's larger
in size is your big fat ass!
Suck my balls!
Dude, I an so disillusioned right now.
[Somewhere in hell. Chris and Saddam are fighting once again.
Saddam charges at him with a gray brick]
Guys, guys, guys! Look, you both can
stop fighting now! I've made a decision.
Yes. I... don't want to be with either
one of you.
Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll
never be the friend that I want. And
Chris, well, you're a pussy. And you'll
never be the lover I want. So I'm just
gonna be alone for a while and learn
to like myself.
Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?
No, I'm not going on a walk! You're
a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy;
Hell, you can't leave me, Satan! I won't
[Cartman's church, next day. Cartman holds forth. Stan and Kyle
stand behind the collection box as kids stop by and put in their
Today is another day! And that's another
dollar the Lord needs from you-uh! So
come on up and give to the Lord-uh!
Alright kids, it's time to go! It's
time for this to stop!
Sister Anne is a blasphemer!
I know you won't listen to me. That's
why I brought somebody else.
Kids, you need to all stop spending
all your time here and go back to school.
Jesus, ixnay on the oolschay.
God doesn't want you to spend all your
time being afraid of hell, or praising
His name. God wants you to spend your
time helping others, and living a good,
happy life. That's how you live for
Ee-yes, by doing that, and, putting
a dollar in the box-uh!
Let's go ice-skating.
Uhwe can help Timmy learn how to ice-skate,
No, come back! You face everlasting
damnation! Wait! No! No! I can't be
cheated out of my ten million dollars
again! God damnit!
Serves you right, Cartman!
But Eric, I think this time I have to
teach you a lesson! I'm sending you
somewhere to think about your sins!
You're gonna send me to hell?
[Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the baackground.
A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman
off, then pulls away.]
[Hell, the park. Satan is strolling through the park in a happy
Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick.
There you are!
Awgh. Not again.
You know you can't live without me.
Now GET THAT ASS BACK TO BED!
Saddam, I told you: I don't need you
You can't leave me, Satan. Nobody leaves
Yes I can! Raaarrr
Aw, you little -prick!
Good-bye forever, Saddam!
What are you talking about?! You can
kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow.
Not this time! I asked a favor of an
old friend of mine to let you in!
Let me in where?
[Heaven, Saddam is whisked into it, as Satan was]
What the? Hey, what the hell is this
Hello, and welcome.
We're glad you made it, brother.
Ey, who the hell are you?
We're just about to do a play, about
how much stealing hurts you deep inside.
Come join us.
Yes. Come on. Let's go.
You're here forever.
Nooo! Nu- nooooooooooo!