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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 507


                                  "PROPER CONDOM USE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on 
               a hill  Jennifer Lopez doll with car, and some damage from the 
               firecracker last time.]
 
                                     STAN
                          "So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!"
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          "No, no, please! This time I swear 
                         I won't make albums or movies."
 
                                     STAN
                          "That's what you said last time , but 
                         obviously we must now resort to more 
                         drastic measures" 
 
                                     KYLE
                          "Oh God it burns! It bur-huhurns!"
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         "Scream for me, bitch!"

                                     KYLE
                         "AAAAAAAH!" 

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Whoa! Awesome!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ey you guys! You guys! Come 'ere, you 
                         guys, come check this out!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh no, what now?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, you guys, this is really cool. Come 
                         on! 
 
               [Kenny's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle approach the house. 
               Kenny's on the front lawn with a dog, and the other boys join 
               him]
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's this all about, Kenny?

                                     KENNY
                         (Wait until you see what I can do to 
                         the dog!)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Watch this. It's sooo funny.  Come 'ere, 
                         dog, come on.  Good dog.  Red rocket 
                         red rocket.  Red rocket. Red rocket. 
                          Come on. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No they don't!

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah they do!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth 
                         graders showed us how to do it.  Red 
                         rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket!  Ohooohhh
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Whoa, cool! 

                                     KYLE
                         That's awesome!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you guys.

                                     STAN
                         I had no idea dogs made milk; do it 
                         again.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once 
                         every few hours. It doesn't work if 
                         you beat off the dog again right away.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You "beat off?"

                                     CARTMAN
                          That's what it's called when you milk 
                         a dog: beating it off.  Don't you guys 
                         know anything?
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, you learned all this from the fifth 
                         graders?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool, 
                         so they showed us how to do it-hey come 
                         here, dog. Dog, come here! 
 
               [Stan's house, night. Sharon is holding court in the living room, 
               in a circle of chairs. She and Randy have eight guests over for 
               some discussion...]
 
                                     SHARON
                         I was really happy with this month's 
                         book. I agree with what Bob and Linda 
                         said-
 
                                     STAN
                          Mom! Dad! You gotta see this!

                                     SHARON
                         Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and 
                         Daddy's book club night, remember?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But it's super-cool!

                                     SHARON
                         Later, sweetie.  Anyway, I found myself 
                         enticed by Steinbeck's imagery.
 
                                     MAN
                         Uh the first chapter alone was filled 
                         with poetry.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Oh, wasn't it? I mean, the first sentence: 
                          "Cannery Row in Monterey in California-" 
                          "-is a poem, a stink, a grating noise..." 
                          It's amazing how with three images 
                          he puts you right there, and...
 
                                     STAN
                          Red rocket, red rocket!

                                     RANDY
                          WAAAH!

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, what the hell are you doing?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, 
                         red rocket. 
 
                                     SHARON
                          STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT 
                         NOW!
 
                                     STAN
                         My room? Why?

                                     SHARON
                         Go, Stanley!  Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he, 
                         he gets very good grades.
 
               [Stan's house, later. His parents have entered his room, quite 
               upset at his behavior earlier. Stan rests his head on his hands.]
 
               
                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, do you know why you're being 
                         grounded for ten months?
 
                                     STAN
                         No!

                                     RANDY
                         Beating off the dog is not appropriate 
                         when we have company!  Ah I mean, ever! 
                         Beating off the dog is not appropriate 
                         ever!
 
                                     STAN
                         Why?! What's the big deal?!

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, don't you understand what you 
                         are doing??
 
                                     STAN
                         I was doing "red rocket" to make the 
                         dog's milk come out.
 
                                     RANDY
                         No, Stan! What you were doing to the 
                         dog was-ss sexual.
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh??

                                     SHARON
                         You were stimulating the dog, Stanley! 
                         What came out of him was his... r-Randy?!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Well, you know, when you do that to 
                         a m-male... the... eh eh you make his... 
                         stuff come out.  Well, Jesus, haven't 
                         they taught you these things at school?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What things??

                                     SHARON
                         Sexual education. Haven't you learned 
                         that yet?
 
                                     STAN
                         No!

                                     SHARON
                         Oh. Look, well, you see, Stanley,... 
                         Well, your school should be teaching 
                         this stuff!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah! Let's get that damned school on 
                         the phone! 
 
               [South Park PTA meeting, night. The parents are there, clamoring 
               and arguing. ]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Okay, parents. I know a lot of you want 
                         a chance to speak, but we have to talk 
                         one at a time.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Look, our kids are learning sexual 
                         things on the street and on television. 
                         There's no way we can stop it. The schools 
                         have to teach them sexual education 
                         at a younger age.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         School policy has been to teach sexual 
                         education later. In the fifth grade.
 
                         
                                     MR. TWEEK
                         It isn't soon enough.

                                     STUART
                         Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son 
                         was caught beatin' off our dog. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Look, parents. Do you really want your 
                         children learning about sex? Part of 
                         the fun of being a kid is being naive! 
                         Let them be kids for a while.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Naive at what cost, Chef? Parents, we 
                         have to face facts: Children in America 
                         are having sex at younger and younger 
                         ages. STDs are affecting younger and 
                         younger kids all the time. The only 
                         way we can combat that is by educating 
                         children before they have sex.
 
                                     CHEF
                         The first thing that kids learn about 
                         sex shouldn't be some bitch-scare tactic 
                         about STDs.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          No, she's right! With all the teen 
                         pregnancies that are out today, I think 
                         my boy does need to know about sexual 
                         education.  From the school.
 
                                     ADULTS
                         Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, we have to.

               [South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Garde B" is shown on a classroom 
               door. Sixteen boys are present.]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay, boys, this is the first day of 
                         sexual education, m'kay? Now, I know 
                         that some of you think this is very 
                         funny. Words like "penis" and "vagina." 
                          Nuh now STOP that, m'kay! We're goin' 
                         tuh get through this by being mature 
                         and grown up, m'kay.  Now, this is the 
                         male anatomy, m'kay. Here we see the 
                         testes and the scrotum.  STOP that, 
                         m'kay! The next person that laughs is 
                         gonna get a referral!  M'kay. Now, in 
                         order to have intercourse, the man takes 
                         his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh... 
                          let's see: the the man takes his penis, 
                         and he... hm.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, 
                         Mr. Mackey?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, sure I have! It's just... I was 
                         about 19 at the time, so it's been about 
                         21 years... m'kay. Let's see, uh... 
                          I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took 
                         the penis, and I bu- uh what the hell 
                         did I do with that damned thing??
 
                         
               [South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Garde" is shown on a classroom 
               door  this is Ms. Choksondik's room. Twelve girls are present.]
 
               
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright girls, even though this may 
                         be stuff you don't want to hear, you 
                         need to hear it.
 
                                     WENDY
                         Oh, we wanna hear it, Ms. Choksondik. 
                         We're excited.
 
                                     BEBE
                         Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun!

                                     GIRLS
                         Yeah!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's 
                         start with our first lesson, then, shall 
                         we?  SEXUALLY TRANSMITTTED DISEASES!! 
                          That's right, because unless you get 
                         boys to wear condoms you can and will 
                         get a sexually transmitted disease from 
                         them! How fun is that, hmmm?! Is that 
                         fun?
 
                                     WENDY
                         I didn't mean that-

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Today over 20,000 Americans will contract 
                         a sexual disease! TODAY! Twelve thousand 
                         more tomorrow! And the reason is that 
                         you girls wake up in the morning and 
                         say, "It's not going to happen to me." 
                         You say, "Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens 
                         to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but 
                         not here in Colorado." WRONG!  Gonorrhea, 
                         herpes, clamydia, HPV, HIV, syphillis, 
                         hepatitis B, hepatitis C, the list goes 
                         on and on! These are serious diseases! 
                         They have serious consequences!  You 
                         think that sex is about fun and games 
                         and love?  Wrong! Sex is about disease! 
                         Here's a little picture of herpes.
 
                         
                                     GIRLS
                         AAAHHH!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         And here's a little syphillis for you!
 
                         
                                     GIRLS
                         AAAHHH!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         That's right, girls. Here's what happens 
                         when you don't get boys to use condoms!
 
                         
               [The school kitchen, lunch.]

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     BOYS
                         Hey Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How is sexual education class going?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It's dumb. Mr. Mackey doesn't teach 
                         us nothin'.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows 
                         a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik? 
                         I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten 
                         laid in her life.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah... Chef, what's "laid"?

                                     CHEF
                         ...Oh, nothin'. Now, move along, children, 
                         you're holdin' up the line.
 
               [The school cafeteria, moments later. The boys exit the kitchen. 
               Behind them are Tweek, Butters, Kevin and Timmy.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Maybe we should ask the girls what 
                         they learned in sex ed.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.  Hey Wendy, did you guys get-
 
                         
                                     GIRLS
                         AAAAHHH! 

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell is wrong with them? 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You guys, we just wanna know if you-
 
                         
                                     GIRLS
                         AAAAHHH!

                                     WENDY
                         Stay away from me, Stan!

                                     STAN
                         Why?

                                     WENDY
                         Are you wearing a condom?

                                     STAN
                         ...A what?

                                     GIRLS
                         AAAAHHH!

                                     BEBE
                         Do any of you have your condoms on?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No.

                                     GIRLS
                         AAAAHHH!

                                     WENDY
                         Don't you know that without wearing 
                         a condom you could get a disease?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Nuh uh.

                                     BEBE
                         Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom, 
                         you're gonna get AIDS.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         AIDS?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, jeez. Ah I don't wanna get the AIDS, 
                         fellas.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Is that what you learned in sex ed?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about 
                         that.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, Mr. Mackey didn't know anything 
                         about anything.
 
                                     WENDY
                         You guys have to wear condoms. Now, 
                         please, just, just go away. We don't 
                         want your AIDS.
 
                                     STAN
                          But Wendy, we don't understand how 
                         thatt-
 
                                     GIRLS
                         AAAAHHH! 

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God, dude.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh what are we gonna do, huh?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick.
 
                         
                                     BOYS
                         Yeah. 

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Can I help you boys?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, we need condoms!

                                     PHARMACIST
                          Condoms.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Quick!

                                     PHARMACIST
                         How old are you boys?

                                     STAN
                         Why does that matter?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ha-I'll be nine next week.

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well why not? You want us to get AIDS?
 
                         
                                     PHARMACIST
                         I just don't think kids your age should 
                         be-
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                          Mark, we have to be willing to supply 
                         condoms to anyone who requests them.
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         But... they're... children!

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Would you rather them do it unprotected?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole?!
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         I just think that all this sex ed and 
                         condom talk in elementary school is 
                         wrong!
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                         Kids are going to do what they do, and 
                         it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Well, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         I don't think we have any that'll even 
                         fit them!
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                         Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators 
                         for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially 
                         designed for kids under 10, and they're 
                         only five ninety five for a box of fifty.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Fifty?? Uh, can't we just use the same 
                         one every day?
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                         No, you have to change it.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons 
                         of these things.
 
               [Ms. Choksondik's house, night. Mr. Mackey has come by for a 
               visit. Books sit on two tables and the floor]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh thanks so much for letting me come 
                         over, Ms. Choksondik.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Oh, it's no problem, Mr. Mackey. It's 
                         probably best we come up with a lesson 
                         plan together anyway.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah I've already gone over most of 
                         the basics, you know, uh with the boys, 
                         but I uh... eh just wanted to see what 
                         else you were teaching the girls, in 
                         case I... "missed" anything.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Well we should make sure our students 
                         are good and scared of the consequences. 
                         We have to teach them that diseases 
                         are possible even with just oral sex.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Right! Oral sex, which of course would 
                         be...
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Using your mouth on the penis or vagina.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Penis or vagina, right. Oral sex, m'kay.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         It's just too bad these girls are having 
                         sex so young.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah, why d-uh, did you?

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Did I what?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well uh, how long did you wait before 
                         you had... uh... doobers.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Well, if you must know, I'm still somewhat 
                         of a virgin.  But I'm not ashamed of 
                         it!  I wasn't sought after much in high 
                         school or college.  I was made fun of 
                         most of my life for having such large 
                         glasses.  The only boyfriend I ever 
                         had was this attractive popular boy 
                         named Steven Garrett. I liked him very 
                         much, but I... found out that he was 
                         dating me because he lost a bet on the 
                         Superbowl. The loser had to go out with 
                         me for three days.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         People can be very cruel. Anyway, I 
                         know it's hard to understand.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Ah actually I understand perfectly. 
                         I... I wasn't exactly the captain of 
                         the football team, either, huh huh, 
                         hehehuh,  anyhow  And then as I got 
                         older my... my head just sorta seemed 
                         to get bigger while the rest of my body 
                         stayed the same. That's how I got my 
                         nickname in college. 
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Your nickname?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         "That guy with the really big head."
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         ...Right.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Anyway, I... I sort of lost any confidence 
                         and fourd it possible to ever ask a 
                         woman out, mm, hm mm.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Wow, I've... never met a man who is... 
                         as sexually unappealing as me.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Neither have I.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Well, I'm quite happy without sex. 
                         I mehean, with all the diseases and 
                         problems out there, who needs it, right?
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh not me!  Huhuh, okay.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Well, back to the lesson plan, then.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Right. 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Okay.  "Oral Sex"

               [Bus stop, day. The boys are gathered there waiting...]

                                     STAN
                         Doesn't it give any other directions?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Nope. It looks like you're just supposed 
                         to roll it over your weiner.  "If used 
                         properly, latex condoms are effective 
                         against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes"
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Uh, what are "studzes"

                                     BUTTERS
                         How the heck should I know?  Why, it's 
                         just a little doughnut.  Hoh- it's all 
                         gooey.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just put it on, Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ha-a how come I gotta go first?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ma-a-a-a-a-a alright, man.  O-o-o-o-h, 
                         it's sticky.
 
                                     KYLE
                         It says you gotta check it for holes 
                         or tears.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I don't even understand how this thing... 
                         ooh, wait. Oh, I see. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was 
                         seeing how to put the condom on!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sure.

                                     BUTTERS
                         But it won't stay on. I I need a rubber 
                         band or somethin'.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Ah I got rubber bands. 

                                     BUTTERS
                          Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh.  Ow! There. 
                         Okay, I think it's on.
 
                                     STAN
                         How do you feel?

                                     BUTTERS
                         ...Pretty good.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do you feel protected?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin' 
                         in my weiner through this thing? A-and 
                         it's even got a little reservoir at 
                         the end so you can... pee in it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, here, everybody.  Tweek, give 
                         everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's 
                         gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmehah!

               [South Park Elementary, day. Principal Victoria has called the 
               teachers together in her office. Chef is there as well.]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Teachers, I have some bad news. Last 
                         night I received a phone call from the 
                         local pharmacist. Apparently, almost 
                         all of our fourth graders are sexually 
                         active. And now that we've scared them 
                         a little they're buying condoms to use.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         I knew it! Well, at least we scared 
                         them enough to protect themselves. But 
                         now maybe you'll believe me when I say 
                         that we need to be teaching even younger 
                         than fourth grade.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         But how old do you think a student should 
                         be when they learn about proper condom 
                         use?
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         ...Kindergarten.

                                     CHEF
                         Kindergarten?!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         We've got to get to the students before 
                         they start having... sex. Nu-not after.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Aw, now this is getting ridiculous!
 
                         
                                     MR. ADLER
                         I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik. 
                         It's our responsibility to make sure 
                         our kids are safe if they're gonna screw 
                         around.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         I guess we have no choice.

               [Kindergarten, next day.]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, who can tell me what 
                         a condom is?  Yes, Jenny?
 
                                     JENNY
                         It flies around and it's endangered.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor.  Con-doms 
                         are what we use to stop the spread of 
                         STDs.  Yes, Filmore?
 
                                     FILMORE
                         Can we do fingerpaint?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids 
                         wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a 
                         nice bucket of AIDS?! Sound good?! Now 
                         pay attention, alright? I'm going to 
                         show you the proper way to put on a 
                         condom.  First of all you remove the 
                         condom from its package.  Then you find 
                         which way the condom rolls out.  Put 
                         it in your mouth...  And apply.  And 
                         it's as simple as that. Any questions?
 
                         
               [Ms. Choksondik's classroom, same time.]

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright girls. Yesterday we went over 
                         the myriad of diseases you can get from 
                         boys, but today we're going to talk 
                         about the most horrible they can give 
                         you of all.  PREGNANCY!  That's right, 
                         since you girls have decided to be sexually 
                         active, teen pregnancy is at an all-time 
                         high! You seem to think it's gonna be 
                         fun and neat to have a baby-well, let's 
                         watch a little video, shall we?! 
 
                         
                                     NARRATOR
                          Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle 
                         of Child Birth.  The time is drawing 
                         close for delivery. Here we can see 
                         the water breaking.
 
                                     GIRLS
                         Eeeeww. 

                                     NARRATOR
                         Later, the contractions are happening 
                         closer together. Mom sure is in a lot 
                         of pain. Now we can see the crown of 
                         the baby's head, stretching the vaginal 
                         walls in ways never before thought possible 
                         by Mom. Finally, the miracle happens, 
                         and the baby is born.  but Mom's not 
                         done yet.
 
                                     GIRL
                         Eeww.

                                     NARRATOR
                         She still got some afterbirth to push 
                         out of her. 
 
                                     GIRLS
                         AAAAAAAA!!!! 

                                     NARRATOR
                         That's right.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Girls! Girls! Where are you going?! 
                         
 
               [Mr. Mackey's class, later. Some of the boys, including Stan 
               and Kyle, have their hands over their crotches.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Man, this condom's driving me crazy.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I've changed mine three times 
                         already 'cuase it itches so much.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom 
                         easier. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Alright, boys, I now have all the information 
                         I need to teach you the female anatomy, 
                         hm'kay.  M'kay, this part here is the 
                         vaginal opening.  This is where the 
                         man puts his- Eric, what the hell are 
                         you doing?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm putting on a new condom. I filled 
                         the other one up.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Why are you wearing a condom?

                                     CARTMAN
                         So I don't get AIDS.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting 
                         around, you have to get it from sex.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         From sex??

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes.

                                     KYLE
                         You mean, intercourse with a girl?
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes! Now will you all pay attention, 
                         please?! The vagina and the clitoris 
                         are on the outside, and they are in 
                         fact very easily visible to the naked 
                         eye.
 
                                     STAN
                         All this time... It's the girls that 
                         give us diseases!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I knew it! Girls lie! They lie right 
                         to your face!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Now here we can see the interior female 
                         anatomy. Things like the uterus and 
                         the ovaries are on the inside
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well that does it! If us boys are going 
                         to live, we have to get rid of the girls!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, come on guys, this is war! 

                                     BOYS
                          Yeah! That's right! Come on! 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         And here we see the tender, magical 
                         uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous 
                         Fallopian tubes, m'kay.
 
               [Mr. Garrison's room, later]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, now I wanna review the 
                         different sexual positions. Who can 
                         tell me which sexual positions we talked 
                         about?
 
                                     FILMORE
                          Miss'nary position?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Missionary position, good. A little 
                         boring, but tried and true. What else?
 
                         
                                     GIRL
                         Doggie?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          That's right. Doggie style we went 
                         over, mhm.
 
                                     BOY
                         Pile driver?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Uh huh, pile driver position. Good, 
                         Quaid.
 
                                     SALLY
                         The Filthy Sanchez?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Yes, good Flora, you remembered the 
                         Filthy Sanchez.
 
                                     BOY 2
                         Hot Karl?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Yes,you can give your partner the ol' 
                         Hot Karl, sure.
 
               [A barren field near the school, day. An army of boys comes in 
               from a distance in makeshift military vehicles. Butters is wearing 
               a hockey mask. Clyde comes up and stops them.]
 
                                     CLYDE
                         There, you see? The girls have built 
                         some kind of stronghold to keep us out. 
                         
 
                                     WENDY
                          Stay away from us, bastards! We don't 
                         wanna get pregnant!
 
                                     BEBE
                         Yeah! Just take your diseases and go 
                         away forever!
 
                                     STAN
                         Ha! They're your diseases!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! You get out of town!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here, talk to them, Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Uh, me?? Huh, what the heck am I supposed 
                         to say?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just tell them that if they leave town 
                         peacefully, we won't have to resort 
                         to violence.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Just walk away. You can put a stop 
                         to all this. Just walk away and we will 
                         spare your lives. Just walk away.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Man, he's pretty good.

                                     BEBE
                         We'll never walk away. Never! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Waa-ooo!) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, bitch!

                                     STAN
                         That does it! Attack! 

               [Ms. Choksondik's house, at that moment. They have books open]
 
               
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan 
                         tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion 
                         of bodily fluids, m'kay.
 
               Ms. Choksondik	I've already gone through that with the girls. 
               [closes her book and sets it down] It's pretty simple. Do you 
               wanna drink?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Why, sure.  Hey uh I think I can... 
                         get through that stuff pretty quick, 
                         mm...  Uh, maybe we should come up with 
                         another lesson plan.
 
               Ms. Choksondik	[hands Mr. Mackey his drink] Something about how 
               nerve endings play an important part in intercourse. [sits down]
 
               
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, right, right, uh, like in the ...nipples.
 
                         
               Ms. Choksondik	Or the... shaft... of the penis? [they look away 
               from each other]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         It... says here that the uh, head of 
                         the penis is actually the... most sensitive... 
                         part, m'kay.
 
               Ms. Choksondik	Why, yes. The nerve endings are the most concentrated 
               at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the... [looks at 
               him. They draw close to each other] clitoris of the woman.
 
               
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         And these... are the two areas most 
                         important to-
 
               Ms. Choksondik	Sexual stimulation. [they kiss quick, then kiss 
               full and long. Some love music comes up. She pulls back] Oh, 
               is this wrong?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong. 
                          I've been thinking about you a lot, 
                         Ms. Choksondik.
 
               Ms. Choksondik	Yeah? What do you do when you think about me?
 
               
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I go crazy.

               Ms. Choksondik	Do you touch yourself?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah. Hmm. 

               Ms. Choksondik	[writhing] Haawww. Haawww.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         G'oh, m'kay.

               Ms. Choksondik	Oh my God. Oh God, yeah! Stop! Stop!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Huh, what's wrong?

               Ms. Choksondik	It's your turn. [goes down to work on him]

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mm, oh, oh Ms. Choksondik. Okay! Okay!
 
                         
               Ms. Choksondik	[gets up] Do you want me?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I do.

               Ms. Choksondik	Tell me.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I want you. M'kay. 

               Ms. Choksondik	Wait wait wait! Do you have a condom?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well. No.

               Ms. Choksondik	[looks into his eyes and then] Oh well, fuck it 
               [they go down, and the consummation begins] Oh God, give it to 
               me! [his ass rises for the first time]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh yeah. Woh. 

               Ms. Choksondik	Woh. [his ass appears again] Ooh, that's it baby! 
               That's it!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Aw, this feels so good, m'kay. 

               [The empty field. later. The battle is joined. Kids run around 
               seeking positions from which to shoot. Seven boys come up to 
               the stronghold gate. A girl fires a Gatling gun at them from 
               the left side, and they scatter, dropping their weapons]
 
                                     BOYS
                         WAAAAHHH!! 

                                     GIRLS
                         Waaaahh!! 

               [The Marsh house. Randy and Sharon are reading papers when the 
               house moves about as if an earthquake had just rolled by. Sharon 
               drops her paper]
 
                                     SHARON
                         What the hell was that?

               [Ms. Choksondik's house. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik rise from 
               their activity and look out the window]
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Did you feel something?

               [Chef's house. The front door opens and he walks out. He's shocked 
               at what he sees.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh, no!

               [South Park Elementary. The four remaining staff members, Principal 
               Victoria, Mr Garrison, Mr. Adler, and Ms. Chosie, walk out and 
               see the wreckage. Principal Victoria puts her hand over her mouth 
               in dumbfounded shock]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Jesus Christ. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ew, Butters? You're in big trouble now.
 
                         
               [The empty field. later. All the parents have come by to make 
               sure their kids are okay. The wreckage still burns]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Well,I don't know what got into you 
                         kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         We just didn't want the girls giving 
                         us diseases.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         I'm afraid this is all my fault. I... 
                         think I went a little overboard scaring 
                         the girls. I forgot to tell them that 
                         to get diseases from boys you... have 
                         to thave sex with them first.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Oooohhh.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, I hate to say it, but you all 
                         got what you deserved.
 
                                     PARENTS
                         Huh?

                                     CHEF
                         Look: Schools are teaching condom use 
                         to younger and younger students each 
                         say! But sex isn't something that should 
                         be taught in textbooks and diagrams. 
                         Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs 
                         to be taught by family. I know it can 
                         be hard, parents, but if you leave it 
                         up to the schools to teach sex to kids, 
                         you don't know who they're learning 
                         it from. It could be from someone who 
                         doesn't know,  someone who has a bad 
                         opinion of it,  or even a complete pervert. 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wha? Why did you pan to me just now? 
                         What the hell is that s'posed to mean?
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         He's right. I never knew how special 
                         and personal sex was un... until just 
                         recently
 
                                     SHARON
                         This whole mess started because we couldn't 
                         talk to our boy ourselves.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's easier to just leave it up to the 
                         school, but it's...just not a school 
                         subject.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Then it's decided: no more condom classes 
                         in grade school.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Hooray!

                                     STAN
                         But Chef, when is the right age for 
                         us to start having sex?
 
                                     CHEF
                         It's very simple, children. The right 
                         time to start having sex is...  17.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Seventeen? 

                                     CHEF
                         Seventeen.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         So you mean 17 as long as you're in 
                         love?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Nope, just 17.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         But, what if you're not ready at 17?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Seventeen! You're ready. 

                                     STAN
                         Well, I guess we got a while to wait 
                         before we have to worry about sex and 
                         diseases, huh, Wendy?
 
                                     WENDY
                         Yeah. Thank God.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I guess now that that's out of 
                         the way, we can get on with our lives. 
                         Come here, boy!  That's it. Red rocket, 
                         red rocket. Come on, now. Come on, red 
                         rocket, dog. Red rocket now.
 
               THE END
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay children, so what other sexual 
                         positions have we talked about? Yeah, 
                         the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't 
                         forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl. 
                         Good, Kevin. Hot Lunch, sure, she likes 
                         that. Donkey Punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom 
                         boat. Good one, yes. Fish-eye. Good, 
                         Jenny. Chili dog. Mm-hm.
 

Proper Condom Use



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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