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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 811


                                 "QUEST FOR RATINGS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This is closed-circuit television for 
                         South Park Elementary School. And now, 
                         Super School News. News made for students, 
                         by students.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Welcome to Ssuper School News. I'm Jimmy 
                         Valmer.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And I'm Rick Cartman.

                                     JIMMY
                         The price of milk money will go up next 
                         Monday to 49 cents. The school claims 
                         the added money is due to the cow shortage 
                         in South Park County.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Parent-teacher conferences will be held 
                         this Wednesday night, from seven to 
                         nine. So kids, get a lot of playing 
                         in before you get grounded. And now, 
                         for a look at what's on the menu for 
                         school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.
 
                         
               [Reporting from the cafeteria, Stan.]

                                     STAN
                         Eric, it looks as though the school 
                         will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now 
                         that's traditionally a uh, a white meat 
                         chicken... breast, if you will, that 
                         has been breaded, and then cooked. I've 
                         been told there will also be tater-tots, 
                         and a vegetable dish. This is really 
                         shaping up to be a ah ah one fantastic 
                         lunch. Eric?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks 
                         a lot. And now, here with the celebrity 
                         watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen 
                         any celebrities?
 
               [Reporting from the sidewalk in front of the school, Butters.]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                         Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' 
                         out in front of the school for about 
                         ...two hours now ah, and I haven't seen 
                         any celebrities. Uh about thirty minutes 
                         ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, 
                         but ih ih turn- it turns out it was 
                         a dead horse.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Will do.

                                     JIMMY
                         More snow for South P... p-p Park. Here's 
                         Token Black with the weather.
 
                                     TOKEN
                          Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive 
                         snow storm is headed South Park's way. 
                         I asked my dad last night and he said 
                         that he heard the snow storm is expected 
                         on Tuesday. Guys?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look 
                         at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball 
                         team just can't get it right.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Another devastating loss for the Cows 
                         last night, Eric. They were ahead in 
                         the game until Kelly Anderson crying 
                         because she missed her daddy, who's 
                         on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, 
                         Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, 
                         and the Cows had to forfeit.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Cows are on a six and O slide since 
                         Kelly's father left for that business 
                         trip.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         And that's all for Super School News. 
                         Enjoy your day at South Park Eh- ...eh- 
                         ...eh- ...eh-  ehehehehe  eh- ...Elementary.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          And we're cut! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice. 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Boy, that was a GREAT episode!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I think that was one of our best 
                         shows yet.
 
                                     MAN
                          Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news. 
                         The school has to cancel your show?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     JIMMY
                         For God's sake, Mr. M-m-Meryl?

                                     MR. MERYL
                         Well, the students just aren't watching 
                         ya. Your rating was only a four this 
                         whole week.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How many students is that?

                                     MR. MERYL
                         Four.  Four students watch your show. 
                         And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting 
                         a 57!
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Craig's show??

                                     CARTMAN
                         What is that butthole doing now?!

                                     MR. MERYL
                         O-hoh, it's brilliant! It's all just 
                         video footage of animals close-up with 
                         a wide angle lens. 
 
                                     CLYDE
                          Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle 
                         Lens. 
 
                                     STAN
                         But that's... that's crap! That's not 
                         even TV!
 
                                     MR. MERYL
                         It's what the students want, and it's 
                         cheaper to make than yoru show. Just 
                         one person and a video camera. Craig 
                         is a genius. Uh sorry, kids. 
 
                                     JIMMY
                          But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring 
                         the news to the students. They need 
                         to know the facts, and our news team 
                         them, very much.
 
                                     MR. MERYL
                         Kids don't care about the news, boys. 
                         It's boring. Kids wanna see animals, 
                         close-up, with a wide angle lens.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is 
                         our life. Withot it, we have nothing.
 
                         
                                     MR. MERYL
                         I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud 
                         of what you've done. It's just that 
                         it's kind of gay. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...You're gay!!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that 
                         new show.
 
                                     STAN
                         Apparently it doesn't matter how hard 
                         you work.
 
                                     WHISTLIN' WILLY
                          Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not 
                         in the mood.
 
                                     WHISTLIN' WILLY
                          If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle. 
                          Come on!  There you go! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South 
                         Park!
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey look, Craig just walked in. 

                                     KID 1
                         Yeah!

                                     KID 2
                         Hey look, it's Craig!

                                     KEVIN
                         Hey, Craig, over here!

                                     KYLE
                         Geez, and all that from a stupid video 
                         show.
 
                                     CRAIG
                          Oh hey guys. Heard about your news 
                         show being cancelled.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Go play with yourself, Craig.

                                     CRAIG
                         Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal 
                         with the school, heh. They're paying 
                         me six dollars a week to come up with 
                         new shows.
 
                                     STAN
                         Your idea took about this much thought, 
                         Craig! 
 
                                     CRAIG
                          This much more than you had!  Hey, 
                         a round of root beers for everyone! 
                         On me! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Kenny, what the hell are you doing 
                         with this asshole??
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Craig just asked me to do his show, 
                         geez.)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're helping Craig make his show?! 
                         I can't believe you would betray us 
                         like that?! We've always been supercool 
                         to you!  Ah whatever, Kenny! 
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Hey gang, I brought the new episode 
                         of wide angle close-up animals. 
 
                                     CLYDE
                          Put it, put it up on the, monitors! 
                         
 
                                     KIDS
                         Cuuute.  Super cuuute.

                                     KYLE
                          Gah, I just don't get it.

                                     TOKEN
                         Wow, those animals are pretty cute.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked 
                         too hard to just roll over for Craig 
                         and his stupid overall deal. Instead 
                         of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, 
                         we just need to figure out how to make 
                         our show better!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings 
                         by the end of the week, he'll let us 
                         stay on the air!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, what are we waitin' for?!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, guys! 

               [Student Conference Room 1-F, later. Inside, A sign above the 
               chalkboard reads "Idea Room." Cartman has his feet up on the 
               table. Stan paces the floor.]
 
                                     STAN
                         All right, we all need to come up with 
                         ideas for our show.
 
                                     KYLE
                         How about we revamp the name? Super 
                         School News sounds dry.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It should be Sexy News.

                                     TOKEN
                         Action News.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.

                                     KYLE
                         Maybe the problem is we don't have very 
                         good stories to report on.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right. We should make up stories, because 
                         they'll be far more interesting.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, yeah. Uhwhy I could say I saw celebrities 
                         even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie 
                         about what I saw them doing.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Gosh, Butters, write that down!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Lie about celebrities.

                                     STAN
                         We have to appeal to all the students, 
                         so we, we need hot girls for the sixth 
                         graders...
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And panda bears for the preschoolers.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Good!

                                     KYLE
                         Maybe we need to make students think 
                         they have to watch our news show or 
                         they'll die.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports 
                         about how dangerous it is to be alive.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh boy!

                                     JIMMY
                         Fellas, are you sure all of this ie 
                         eh- ethical?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're in fourth grade, Timmy. We don't 
                         even know what ethical means.
 
                                     STAN
                         All right, Sexy Action School News Team, 
                         it's time to go to work. Get out there 
                         and get some stories!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Sexy Action School News Team, ho! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with 
                         you?  Look, Token, I, I know the guys 
                         are having trouble bringing this up 
                         with you, but uh... Well the thing is, 
                         Token, we... we really need to revamp 
                         your whole TV persona.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You see Token, people really enjoy seeing 
                         African-Americans on the news... Seeing 
                         African-Americans on the news, not hearing 
                         them. That's why all African-Americans 
                         newspeople learn to talk more... wha, 
                         how should I say... white.  Token, all 
                         the great African-Americans newspeople 
                         have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak 
                         with a more pure Caucasian dialect. 
                         There's no shame in it, and I think 
                         it'll really help our ratings.
 
               [The announcer introduces the show]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This is South Park Elementary School 
                         closed-circuit television. And now, 
                          Time for the Sexy Action School News!! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Is South Park about to explode from 
                         a methane gas leak? More on that later. 
                         But first, Stan Marsh has a look at 
                         some new outfits for the Raisins girls!
 
                         
               [Reporting from Raisins, Stan Marsh. He's surrounded by Raisins 
               with shorter shorts and tank tops]
 
                                     RAISINS GIRLS
                         Woohoo! Woohoo!

                                     STAN
                         Eric, the outfits are even skimpier 
                         than before, leaving very little to 
                         the imagination. No doubt that if I 
                         were a little older, I would be aroused.
 
                         
                                     RAISINS GIRLS
                         Woowoo!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         And now, for a look at the weather, 
                         here is Token Black, and Token, I hope 
                         there's no tornadoes headed our way.
 
                         
                                     TOKEN
                          No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly 
                         enough, there is a low-pressure storm 
                         moving in over the Park County Valley. 
                         Should bring us some chilly days ahead. 
                         
 
                                     JIMMY
                         The Park County School Board has approved 
                         a bigger budget for the computer lab 
                         up-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like 
                         Kyle has the jinx on some students' 
                         bathroom habits. Kyle?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Eric, sources are speculating that 
                         third-grade student, Pete Thelman , 
                         pees sitting down like a girl. We've 
                         also got confirmation that Sally Turner 
                          stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has 
                         only one testicle.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          One testicle!  What an asshole! 

                                     TOKEN
                         Uh oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness 
                         Minute! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, 
                         let's get a look at the celebrity scene 
                         shot, with Butters.
 
                                     JIMMY
                          This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr... 
                         travesty.
 
               [Student Conference Room 1-F]

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, so after my report on the 
                         unsanitary conditions of the school 
                         cafeteria, we're goin' to Kyle for the 
                         story on Brian Teeves trying to make 
                         out with Susan Farkle.
 
                                     STAN
                         Then let's do Token's report on how 
                         global warming is going to kill everyone 
                         in the fifth grade.
 
                                     TOKEN
                         That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! 
                         The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was 
                         in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview 
                         with him for our news show. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oooo, interview with the vice-President, 
                         hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how 
                         we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader 
                         pie-eating and Who's got Skidmark Monday.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         But this is real news!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's boring news, Jimmy.

                                     JIMMY
                         How do you know?? You you haven't s-seen 
                         it yet!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, tell me about it.

                                     JIMMY
                         Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells 
                         me all about how the-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. 
                         I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Look, fellas, I've got a real problem 
                         with the direction our news show is 
                         going! We're dumbing down the school!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. 
                         We're just giving them what they want.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         We're making the news more appealing 
                         to students.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized 
                         quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a 
                         journalistic responsibliltiy to bring 
                         students the fa... the facts!  Don't 
                         you see what we've done? In our efforts 
                         to compete with Craig's small-minded 
                         show, we've made a mockery of n-nununews 
                         reporting. I remember when we all made 
                         an oath to each other, way back when 
                         started playing news reporter, that 
                         we would never let anything jeopardize 
                         our integrity! Well our integrity is 
                         jeopardized! And if we can't report 
                         news the honest way, what good is n-news 
                         reporting? 
 
               [Mr. Meryl's office, Audio-Visual Department]

                                     MR. MERYL
                         Boys, first of all, I want to tell you 
                         how impressed I am with your ability 
                         to get more ratings. Your show beat 
                         Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens 
                         by three viewers!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         All right! Woohoo! Awesome! 

                                     STAN
                         I knew we could do it!

                                     KYLE
                         We beat Close-up Animals!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh man, this is sooo great! We, we worked 
                         so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere 
                         you! 
 
                                     MR. MERYL
                         Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed 
                         in the ratings by Craig's new show. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Craig's new show?

                                     MR. MERYL
                         All the students love it. It's an incredible 
                         idea called Close-up Animals With a 
                         Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take 
                         a look.  That Craig is a freakin' genius, 
                         I tell ya. He like... an idea machine.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Does... Does this mean we're still gonna 
                         get cancelled?
 
                                     MR. MERYL
                         I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. 
                         I'm gonna have to give you all F's in 
                         Extracurricular AV Class. You have to 
                         learn now how important ratings are!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.
 
                         
                                     MR. MERYL
                         Yes.  And I guess your best wasn't good 
                         enough .
 
               [In the hall. Mr. Meryl closes the door behnd them.]

                                     STAN
                          I don't believe it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't lose this extracurricular credit. 
                         I need it to pass fourth grade!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Stupid news hair! 

                                     JIMMY 
                         Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my 
                         point. We have to elevate our ideas 
                         up, not down.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come 
                         up with way better ideas than Craig.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. To save our show, all we need 
                         to do is come up with the best idea 
                         for an episode ever!
 
               [Student Conference Room 1-F. The kid reporters sit around trying 
               to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         What if we do a show where we go to- 
                          Uh, no.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How about we have us, um... hmmm.

                                     STAN
                         Come on, doesn't anybody have any show 
                         ideas?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well how about we get panda bears and 
                         we have them dance around with us.
 
                         
                                     TOKEN
                         We did that!

                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, 
                         we can do it! Come on!  How about we 
                         do a show with us... ughhh.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Thee... uhhh. What if the-?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait, I've got it.  Crab people.

                                     STAN
                         Crab people?

                                     CARTMAN
                         They're like half crab, half people, 
                         and they live below the ground.
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, I think we can do a little better 
                         than crab people.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, I know! We should read the funnies! 
                          I always get good ideas from the funnies.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Butters, only gay little dweebs read 
                         the funnies!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's 
                         one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, 
                         a-and the other snail says "Well that's 
                         gonna add another hour to his time." 
                          Yeah! You guys!  Heh.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How about we do a show where we kill 
                         Butters? 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          So Dagwood says "Good, guh-good thing 
                         we're playin' ...uh the back nine at 
                         your house." 
 
                                     STAN
                         We're hopelessly stuck, completely out 
                         of ideas.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We have crab people. Just sayin'.

                                     KYLE
                         Wait! You know what we should do? We 
                         should all take a bunch of cough medicine!
 
                         
                                     TOKEN
                         Cough medicine?

                                     KYLE
                         That's what the sixth graders do behind 
                         the school at recess. They take way 
                         too much cough medicine because they 
                         say it makes them see things in their 
                         heads.
 
               [South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu 
               medicine aisle.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         How do we know which one to use?

                                     STAB
                          How about this one? Calminex?  "Warning: 
                         Taking more than the recommended amount 
                         can cause severe side effects."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That sounds perfect.

                                     JIMMY
                         B-b-bbingo!

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Can I help you boys?

                                     STAN
                         Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some 
                         ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna 
                         drink a bunch of cough medicine.
 
                                     PHARMACIST
                         Whoa, boys! That's not what you need 
                         to come up with ideas.
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's not?

                                     PHARMACIST
                         No! What you want is Calminex PM.  It 
                         has the dexatrimfan in it that causes 
                         hallucinations in large doses.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, okay.

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy 
                         kind of high you're looking for, I do 
                         also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. 
                         Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin 
                         Cough and Cold, but of course, that's 
                         only if you really want to trip balls.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Wha, what do you think, fellas?

                                     STAN
                         I guess we'll just take all of 'em.
 
                         
                                     PHARMACIST
                         That's the spirit! All right, boys, 
                         I'll just need your parents' permission. 
                          Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. 
                         Come on over to the register. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' 
                         a little partyin' tonight.
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Oh, Jezuth Christh

                                     BUTTERS
                         Woo. We aren't havin' a party.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that 
                         for your bad coughs, right?  Us too. 
                         
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                          Jezuth. 

               [Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa. 
               Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough 
               syrup]
 
                                     KYLE
                          All right, now everybody take a tablet 
                         and a pencil.  and when all the ideas 
                         start coming, just write 'em down. We 
                         might not remember everything otherwise.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative 
                         and smart.  Hohhh, it's all think and 
                         g-gooey.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.

                                     KYLE
                         Stan?  Dude, Stan, you all right?

                                     JIMMY
                          I think maybe he's f-feeling it.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Stan, are you getting good ideas?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa...  I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, 
                         fellas.
 
               [Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, 
               then a flash of plasma, then an aminated Mandelbrot design, then 
               a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel 
               with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, 
               a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation, 
               a running shot of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                          Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go 
                         find a frog. 
 
               [Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, 
               then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters 
               walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman 
               in degraded colors. Cartman and Stan speak to him in weird altered 
               voices]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh Stan, I just got the best idea

                                     KYLE
                         Me too. 

               [Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African 
               women, an explosion in another building, a zoom-pan shot of an 
               African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk 
               in downtown. Butters talks to him in the same altered voice the 
               other voice have spoken to him in]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey! Let's run naked through the street! 
                         
 
               [Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in 
               amchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman 
               are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are 
               groggy]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, this TV show is awesome.

                                     STAN
                         It's... 's the greatest show of all 
                         time.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I could watch this for days. 

                                     THE BOYS
                          Cuuute. Super cuuute.

               [Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now 
               asleep. Butters' head is on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the 
               floor, wakes up and looks around]
 
                                     STAN
                         You guys. You guys, wake up! 

                                     KYLE
                         Ah!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         Butters, get away from me!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh Jesus, where are my clothes??

                                     STAN
                         We took a bunch of cough medicine to 
                         come up with ideas for our show. I didn't 
                         come up with anything.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah I did. I wrote something down.  Here 
                         it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I wrote down... all the lyrics to the 
                         Happy Days theme song.
 
                                     STAN
                         You guys, we watched Craig's show all 
                         night long.
 
                                     TOKEN
                          Yeah. It was great.

                                     STAN
                         No, but don't you see? We didn't think 
                         it was great before. I think I understand 
                         now.  I think I know why Craig's show 
                         gets such great ratings! Half the school 
                         is high on cough medicine!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Jesus, you may be right.

                                     JIMMY
                         Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone 
                         get your hair looking as fantastic as 
                         possible. It's time for us to do the 
                         most incredible investigative news report 
                         of our journalistic lives!
 
               [An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This is closed-circuit television for 
                         South Park Elementary School. And now, 
                          a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: 
                         Cough Medicine Abuse in School!  With 
                         the Sexy Action School News Team!  It's 
                         the report you can't afford to miss! 
                          And now here's Rick Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, 
                         cold and flu remiedy. But behind closed 
                         doors at South Park Elementary it also 
                         has a street name. Hoochie, wombat juice, 
                         tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. 
                         Today, the Sexy Action School News Team 
                         takes you inside the dark and lonely 
                         world... of cough medicine abuse.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          They're doing it in the hallways!  
                         Behind the school! 
 
                                     RED-HAIRED GOTH
                         Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Even in the girls' bathroom! 

                                     BEBE
                          Is somebody in there? I'll tell on 
                         you!
 
                                     STAN
                          We showed the shocking footage to the 
                         principal!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh my goodness!

                                     JIMMY
                         P- Principal Victoria, can you explain 
                         how your administration fuh-failed to 
                         see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem.
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well I... we...

                                     KYLE
                          So where are students getting all this 
                         cough medicine??  This surveillance 
                         footage shows a group of troubled kids 
                         getting all the smack they want from 
                         a pharmacist!  Sexy Action School News 
                         reported the pharmacist to the South 
                         Park police, and he was immediately 
                         arrested! 
 
                                     TOKEN
                         The cough companies claim they don't 
                         intend for their product to be used 
                         by kids to get high! But one look at 
                         the packaging tells otherwise.  Theradryl 
                         DM. For kids.  Dexa Cough, children's 
                         formula.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And now, for a quick celebrity check, 
                         here's Butters Stotch.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Still no celebrities, Eric. Uhn, I'll 
                         keep my eyes open.
 
                                     STAN
                         The cough medicine problem used to also 
                         run rampant in neighboring Middle Park 
                         Elementary. But they took action: ridded 
                         their entire town of cough medicine, 
                         and what we see now is a happier school, 
                         100% cough medicine-free. 
 
               [Mr. Meryl's office, later.]

                                     MR. MERYL
                         Boys, I want to congratulate you on 
                         what is perhaps the finest piece of 
                         student television I've ever seen. Not 
                         only did you get all the students and 
                         myself off of couch medicine, but you 
                         got a 22 in the ratings!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Twenty-two people?? All right!

                                     CRAIG
                          You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl?

                                     MR. MERYL
                         Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings 
                         for your show are down significantly.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Gee, what a concidence.

                                     JIMMY
                         I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why?

                                     MR. MERYL
                         You need to know how important ratings 
                         are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend 
                         you from school and request that you 
                         have your testicles removed surgically.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Haha! In your face, Craig!

                                     MR. MERYL
                         You boys are approved for twenty-seven 
                         new shows. I want you to come up with 
                         an even better idea than the cough medicine 
                         story. Get to it!
 
               [Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. The boys are seated at 
               the table once again, sitting in silence]
 
                                     STAN
                         Nobody has any ideas?

                                     CARTMAN
                         This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' 
                         to come up with ideas for shows all 
                         the time. It hurts my head. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, bail?

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...I think bail.

                                     STAN
                         ...Bail. 

                                     JIMMY
                         Yep, b-b-b-bail. 

               THE END

Quest For Ratings



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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