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ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 404


                                  "QUINTUPLETS 2000"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





                                     RANDY
                         Okay, is everyone ready to go?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, I'm so excited. I've always wanted 
                         to see Cirque du Cheville.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Me too. We were lucky to get tickets. 
                          Come on, boys! We're gonna be late. 
                         
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, don't they look precious?

                                     STAN
                         Why do we have to dress up? Isn't this 
                         just a circus, with elephants and lions 
                         and stupid clowns
 
                                     SHARON
                         No, Stanley. Cirque du Cheville is French-Canadian. 
                         They get acrobats and singers from all 
                         over the world and then do very artistic 
                         things..
 
                                     KYLE
                         Awwww!

                                     GRANDPA
                          Why the hell do you wanna take these 
                         boys to see that fufu French theater 
                         crap? You're gonna turn them into poofders!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Dad, Stanley needs to see the arts!
 
                         
                                     GRANDPA
                         Well, he doesn't need to see a bunch 
                         of frogs prance around in tights and 
                         make-op wrappin' their peckers around 
                         each other's faces!
 
                                     SHARON
                         Come on, everybody, let's go. 

                                     GRANDPA
                          Close your eyes and cover your ears, 
                         Billy! Remember, you're a man.
 
               [Cirque du Cheville, night. Folks are streaming in to get seats. 
               Next, under the Big Top]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, this is so exciting

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, look at the funny clown, Stanley.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Where?  Oh, no.  Ha ha, very funny, 
                         thank you, goodbye.  No, thank you. 
                          Go away, please.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He doesn't want your dumbass umbrella, 
                         clown! Beat it!  Ow. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         You didn't know that was gonna happen, 
                         did you, Stanley? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, God, that was soo funny! Oh, man, 
                         somebody stop my guts frm bursting out 
                         of my sides! 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Ladies and gentlemen, please, no smoking 
                         and no flash-photography during Sarque 
                         du Son Bleu
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Sarque du Son Bleu.  Oho, we've reached 
                         warp factor 5, captain.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Eric, sshhhh. 

                                     KYLE
                         How long does this thing last?

                                     STAN
                         Two hours.

                                     CARTMAN, KYLE, KENNY
                         Awwwgh.

               [Cirque du Cheville, later. A troupe of twelve dancers leap high 
               and drop down again. The parents are still in thrall, and their 
               eyes follow the dancers' leaps. Cartman is now asleep. Some time 
               elapses, and a singer sings her song. The other three boys are 
               getting sleepy. The smiles are gone from the parents' faces. 
               The singer is shown with a two-person high-wire act overhead. 
               Little "birds" pop out from her dress and dance around. A new 
               act appears, and Stan is falling asleep on his left hand. Kyle 
               and Kenny seem more awake. An invisible man in a visible suit 
               walks on, and a clown jumps out of the floor in front of him. 
               The clown and the man shake hands, and the clown rips the man's 
               right arm off. A new act comes on, and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny 
               are really drowsy. The curtains open to reveal five girls, and 
               they come forward to dance]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Ooo, these are the contorting quintuplets 
                         from Romania. 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wha-what? Another gay guy in feathers? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa. 

                                     STAN
                         Damn, dude. 

                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Yayy!

                                     KENNY
                         (Oh yeah! Woohoo!)

               [Cirque du Cheville, dismissal. The crowd exits the tent]

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, that was wonderful!

                                     SHARON
                         Yes. Too bad it was their last show, 
                         or I'd go see it again.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Those contorting Romanian chicks rule.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, especially that second one from 
                         the left. She was fine!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, what the hell are you talking 
                         about?! They're identical!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not that second one from the left; she 
                         had it goin' on! 
 
                                     CLOWN
                          Don't forget to buy your souvenirs, 
                         folks. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Damn, dude, do you see how much money 
                         this place is raking in?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I could prance around in tights 
                         and sing opera too, for that kind of 
                         cash.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, we should start our own Cirque 
                         du Cheville.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. This one's moving out of town, 
                         so we could take over. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Let's go practice. 

               [Dressing Room #1. "Vladchick Contorting Quintuplets" is written 
               over a star.]
 
                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Hurry up, girls. We must bundle up against 
                         the cold.
 
                                     A QUINT
                         Did we do good final show, Grandmama?
 
                         
                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Very good, my girls. I only wish it 
                         weren't your last show. I love this 
                         country so very much. 
 
                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         Mrs. Vladchick, it is time. It is time 
                         to return to Romania.
 
                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Yes, yes, of course. Just give me vone 
                         second to finish getting them ready. 
                          This way, girls. Quickly. 
 
                                     QUINT #2
                         Vhy are we going out the window, Grandmama?
 
                         
                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Your mother did not want you to grow 
                         up in Romania. This is our only chance. 
                         
 
                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         Nid kelmin da bushka.

                                     ATTENDANT
                         Nid kelmin da lushka velt

                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         Nid kelmin da bushka ayn zolt! 

                                     ATTENDANT
                         M-Mrs. Vladchick? 

                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         Dash fam da bushka!

               [Cirque du Cheville, outside the main tent. The two Romanian 
               men rush out]
 
                                     ATTENDANT
                         They're trying to defect! 

                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                          Cauch! We need a boat. 

                                     OARSMAN IN VEST
                         Where to, Mack?

                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                          Follow that boat. 

               [The Marsh house, living room. The boys have bought a CD of the 
               show, and Kenny sings to the instrumental of one of the songs. 
               Kenny is wearing the costume the first singer wore. The other 
               three are practicing... um... Stan tries to leap into Kyle's arms, 
               but they end up tumbling on the floor. Cartman runs forth and 
               does some cartwheels, but lands on a coffee table, breaking it 
               to pieces.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, this isn't working.

                                     KYLE
                         It's Kenny's singing!

                                     KENNY
                         (Hunh?)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, Kenny, you have to sing better!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (I'm singing as good as I can!)

                                     STAN
                         Well, it's not good enough, Kenny! You 
                         have to get better! Try it again! 
 
                         
                                     GRANDPA
                         Aha, I knew it. They turned you into 
                         poofders.
 
               [Stark's Pond. Grandmama and the girls zoom away.]

                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         There's nowhere to go, Mrs. Vladchick. 
                         Pull over! 
 
                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Okay girls, the Cam Ay Alta. 

                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         Be careful, Gabul! Be careful, Gabul! 
                         Yaaah! 
 
                                     TOP GIRL
                         Did we do good, Grandmama?

                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Very good, Glacas.

               [The Marsh house. Snow falls outside. The other boys have gone 
               home]
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm tired, Grandpa.

                                     GRANDPA
                         No, Billy! You're gonna stay here and 
                         watch more McGyver. We've gotta get 
                         all the Frenchy-poo fag-nasties out 
                         of ya.  Who the hell would be ringin' 
                         the doorbell at this time of night?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I don't know.  Whoa. 

                                     GRANDMAMA
                         We are very sorry to disturb you. My 
                         granddaughters are cold and tired. Is 
                         there any possibility we could pay you 
                         for a place to sleep?
 
                                     RANDY
                         You're from Cirque du Cheville. 

                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Yes. We- missed our train. If we could 
                         shelter here; it would only be for one 
                         night.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well...

                                     SHARON
                         Well, of course you can. Come in out 
                         of the snow. 
 
                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Oh, thank you so much. 

                                     SHARON
                         There's some spare bedrooms upstairs, 
                         Mrs....?
 
                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Vladchick. 

                                     GRANDPA
                         That Grandma is not a bad piece of ass.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Ew, Dad! Not in front of Stanley!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Well, it's good for 'im.

               [The McCormick house. Kenny is in his room with three books on 
               his bed.]
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Let's see... No, not there)  (Let's 
                         see. Nothing there)  (Let's see... here!) 
                         
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         Hello, and welcome to: "Singing like 
                         Bocelli for Dummies." Lesson 1: Yaaayayeha!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yaaayaya.)

                                     NARRATOR
                         Lesson 2: Hehyayaya hehyayaya!

                                     KENNY
                         (Hehyayaya hehyayaya!)

                                     NARRATOR
                         Good: And now we'll do the entire piece, 
                         "Con Te Partirò" 
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Con Te Partirò?) 

               (...Su navi per mari

               che, io lo so,

               no, no, non esistono più.

               con te io li rivivrò.

               
               Con te...)

               [...and it becomes background music as the camera pans over to...]
 
               
               [The Marsh house. Grandmama Vladchick is in her nightgown combing 
               her hair. Grandpa Marsh rolls by]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (...partirò.)

                                     GRANDPA
                          Got everything you need there, do ya?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Su navi per mari)

                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Yes. You're avefully soo kind to my 
                         little granddaughters.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (che, io lo so,)

                                     GRANDPA
                         They're quite agile little things, aren't 
                         they?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (no, no, non esistono più.)

                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Yes, as I was back in my day. I was 
                         a contortionist, too.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (con te io li rivivrò.)

                                     GRANDPA
                         Y'don't say. 

                                     GRANDMAMA
                         Yes.

                                     GRANDPA
                         You...

                                     KENNY
                         (Con te...)

                                     GRANDPA
                         ...remember any of that stuff, do ya? 
                         
 
                                     KENNY
                         (...partirò.

               Su navi per mari

               che, io lo so,

               no, no, non esistono più.)

               
               [as Kenny sings, Grandpa returns to Mrs. Vladchick's room naked... 
               and without the wheelchair. She lifts up her left leg over her 
               head, then lets it go. Kenny's getting into the song. The tape 
               speeds up a bit...]
 
               
               (Io con te...!)

                                     GRANDPA
                         Ah.  Oh.  Ah!  Oh.  Oh-oooh-oooh!

               [The McCormick house, Kenny's room. The music stops with a thump 
               and Kenny collapses on his bed exhausted]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         And now lesson 4: the complete works 
                         of Mozart. Let's begin.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Damn!)

               [The Marsh house, morning. Randy and Sharon are in the kitchen 
               enjoying some coffee]
 
                                     SHARON
                         What should we do, Randy? I like these 
                         Romanians fine, but I hope that old 
                         woman isn't planning on staying here 
                         much longer.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Heh, it's 11 o'clock and she's still 
                         sleeping.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Poor dear must be tired.

                                     GRANDPA
                          You're damn right she's tired.

                                     RANDY
                         Huh?

                                     GRANDPA
                         Oh, nothin'. She's just gonna have a 
                         little trouble walkin' today is all. 
                         .
 
               [The Marsh house, outside. Stan leads the other three boys in 
               the side gate and to the backyard]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hurry up, you guys!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What's going on?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, you're not gonna believe this.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What?! 

                                     QUINT 1
                         Hello.

                                     QUINT 2
                         Hello.

                                     QUINT 3
                         Hi.

                                     QUINT 4
                         Hello.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No way! The bitches from Cirque du Chebleu!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. They're quintuplets from Romania.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What's a "quin-tuplet"?

                                     QUINT 2
                         Ve are twins, except there are five 
                         of us instead of two.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But there's only four of you.

                                     QUINT 2
                         No no, Natalia is just playing mirror, 
                         but it's with Nadia.
 
                                     NADIA
                          Hello.

                                     KYLE
                         So if you're identical, does that mean 
                         you all think alike?
 
                                     ALL FIVE QUINTS
                         No, don't be ridiculous.

                                     STAN
                         Will you guys be in our Cirque du Celville?
 
                         
                                     A QUINT
                         You have your own?

                                     STAN
                         Well, not yet. Kenny has to get better 
                         at singing first.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Hey!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         But as soon as he starts singing better, 
                         we're all gonna make bank!
 
                                     QUINT 1
                         Okay.

                                     QUINT 3
                         Sounds good.

                                     QUINT 2
                         Count me in.

                                     QUINT 5
                         Okay. 

                                     QUINT 4
                         ...Oh, and me.

                                     THE BOYS
                         All right!

               [The Marsh house, kitchen]

                                     RANDY
                         Alright, we've gotta figure out what 
                         to do. I'm gonna go wake her up.  Hello? 
                         Mrs.... Mrs., Old Romanina Woman?  Ma'am? 
                         
 
                                     GRANDPA
                          Well, all tuckered, is she? Ha ha ha 
                         ha.
 
                                     RANDY
                          No, Dad.

                                     GRANDPA
                         A little cottony in the crotch? Hr hr 
                         hr hr.
 
                                     RANDY
                         No, Dad, she's dead!

                                     GRANDPA
                         What?!  Oh, dear Jesus!

                                     RANDY
                         It looks like she had a heart attack.
 
                         
                                     GRANDPA
                         No wonder she didn't say good-night.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          ...Ew!

               [The Marsh house, the backyard]

                                     STAN
                         Okay, hold it, hold it. 

                                     THE BOYS
                         Ow! 

                                     SHARON
                         I don't know how to tell. You tell them. 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uh, girls, we... have some bad news.
 
                         
                                     QUINT 5
                         What?

                                     RANDY
                         Um...  Everyone who has a grandma, step 
                         forward.  Uh, not so fast, girls. 
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Randy! 

                                     QUINT 2
                         Grandmama is dead?

                                     QUINT 1
                         What are we going to do now? 

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys, come here.  This is totally 
                         awesome.
 
                                     STAN
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         How can you say that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Because now we can convince them to 
                         stay here, and now our circus will kick 
                         ass!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, yeah!

                                     STAN
                          Mom! Dad! Can the quints stay with 
                         us? Please? Can they?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, Stan, it's not really our-

                                     STAN
                         They have nowhere else to go.  Please?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well, for the time being I, I mean, 
                         of course they can stay.
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hooray!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hooray!

               [The Marsh house, the backyard, some days later. Neighborhood 
               men and women walk up to a fenced-in area of the yard in which 
               the quints play with varous toys and balls]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing at the home in South 
                         Park where five precious little girls 
                         have been rescued from Romania. Their 
                         mother passes away some months ago, 
                         and then their grandmother died trying 
                         to bring them here. But all is well 
                         now, and people are coming from all 
                         over the country to view the little 
                         tykes.  If you'd like to come down and 
                         visit the quintuplets, admission is 
                         only $5, and for a few dollars more 
                         , you can feed them fishsticks.
 
                                     A QUINT
                          Mmm.

                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, it looks like these cute little 
                         girls have made it out of that armpit 
                         of a country they call Romania.
 
               [Romania, day. Government officials watch the report in a run-down 
               office]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Yes, luckily for them, these quintuplets 
                         no longer have to live in Romania, the 
                         asshole of the world.  Back to you, 
                         Tom.
 
                                     PRESIDENT
                         This is not good. It makes our country 
                         look poor and stupid.
 
                                     ROMANINA OFFICIAL
                         This could kill our tourism.

                                     PRESIDENT
                         You know what to do. 

               [South Park School of Music]

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                          Alright, Kenny, let's start with some 
                         warm-up exercises. 
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) 

                                     MRS.MCCORMICK
                         Well, what do you think? Can you help 
                         him become a better singer?
 
                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         Well, he's got potential. Depends on 
                         how good he wants to be.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Well, let's do it then!)

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         Well, if you wanna be a real singer, 
                         you need to go to a conservatory in 
                         Europe. There's no other alternative.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Europe?)

                                     MRS.MCCORMICK
                         We can't afford that.

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         Well, then, I'm afraid your son will 
                         always be a hack.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Awww.)

                                     MRS.MCCORMICK
                         Well, Kenny, if it means that much to 
                         you, maybe we can bus it to Europe and... 
                         you can sing on the way to make money.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

               [The Marsh house, breaking news music is heard. Sharon rushes 
               into the kitchen]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Randy, Randy, you'd better have look 
                         at this. 
 
                                     RANDY
                          What? 

                                     ANCHOR TOM
                         ...until the U.S. government receives 
                         this video, which was sent from Romania 
                         just hours ago.
 
                                     MAN
                          Hello. This is Romanian father. I am 
                         desperate to have my girls returned 
                         to me in Romania.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uh-oh.

                                     STAN
                         That's your dad?

                                     QUINT 2
                         Maybe.

                                     QUINT 1
                         But we haven't seen papa for more than 
                         five years.
 
                                     MAN
                         How I've missed them all. Little Nahlal.
 
                         
                                     VOICE
                          Nadia!

                                     MAN
                         Nadia, my sweet Barshta

                                     VOICE
                          Baltania!

                                     MAN
                         Baltania, eh anyway, my heart is aching 
                         for their return. I, I know the American 
                         government will do what's right. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hoh no, dude. If they get sent back 
                         to Romania, we'll never get our Cirque 
                         dei Ceville going.
 
                                     STAN
                          Mom, Dad, you're not gonna send tham 
                         back, are you??
 
                                     SHARON
                         Well, I... think we... have to,... don't we? 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         I don't know.

                                     KYLE
                          You don't wanna go back to stinky Romania, 
                         do you? It sucks there.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. America is sooo much cooler. In 
                         Romania they just oppress you and try 
                         to bring you down.
 
                                     SHARON
                         We'll have to call the police and see 
                         what they want us to do. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Damn, we might be screwed.

                                     STAN
                         No! We've just gotta convince these 
                         chicks that America kicks the ass out 
                         of every other country. Come on! 
 
                         
               [South Park Train Station. Kenny and his mom await the train. 
               Kenny launches into "La Donna E Mobile." Mrs. McCormick holds 
               a "Trying To Get To Europe" sign. The other boys take the quints 
               to South Park Funland]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You see, in America we have... log rides! 
                          Bacon double-cheeseburgers!  Sheep-shearing 
                         contests!
 
               22nd Annual Sheep Shearing Contest

               [A man sheas a sheep with a shearer as the eight kids and four 
               adults watch]
 
                                     A FAN
                         Yeah. Woo hoohoohoo. Yeah. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          And shoppong malls! Hooray! 

               Welcome

               To Europe!

               Coziest Little

               Place On Earth!

               Elevation 4200 ft.

                                     KENNY
                         (Woo hoo!)

               [the U.S. Capitol. The Romanian father and two Romanian officials 
               sit in Janet Reno's office]
 
                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                          Mrs. Janet Reno, you must understand, 
                         the father has right to his children.
 
                         
                                     JANET RENO
                          Yes, but the girls seem to wanna stay 
                         here. Why don't you all stay here in 
                         America, and this whole thing can go 
                         away.
 
                                     MR. VLADCHICK
                         Okay.  Heh!

                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         Our home is Romania. We love it there.
 
                         
                                     MR. VLADCHICK
                         Ah, yes, uwuh we love it there.

                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         If daughters will not return on their 
                         own, you must force them to return
 
                         
                                     JANET RENO
                         Gentlemen, this has to be handled very 
                         delicately. You don't understand Americans' 
                         power to protest.
 
                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                         Protest?

                                     JANET RENO
                         Look, people have it so good in America 
                         that they get bored very easily. And 
                         when people get bored they start protesting 
                         things.
 
                                     ALL THREE MEN
                         Oh

                                     JANET RENO
                         But I want to assure you, and the Romanian 
                         people, that we are going to do everything 
                         in our power to make this as confusing 
                         as possible. 
 
               [South Park, the Marsh house, day. A crowd of protesters lobby 
               in front of the house]
 
                                     PROTESTERS
                         Let the quints stay! Romania is gay! 
                         Let the quints stay! Romania is gay!
 
                         
                                     LONE PROTESTER
                         Fur is murder! Fur is murder!  Oh, what 
                         are we protesting here?
 
                                     A PROTESTER
                          Romania sucks!

                                     LONE PROTESTER
                         Oh, let's see  Here we go. Romania sucks!
 
                         
                                     PROTESTERS
                         Romania sucks! Romania sucks!

                                     SHARON
                          Oh my God! I didn't know this was going 
                         to become such a big deal.
 
                                     RANDY
                          That'll teach us for taking an old 
                         lady and her granddaughters out of the 
                         cold.
 
                                     LEAD AGENT COLLINS
                          Attention, people inside the house! 
                          You must return the quintuplets to 
                         their father! You have until...  Oh yeah, 
                         that's good.  You have until Easter 
                         Sunday to comply.
 
                                     PROTESTER
                         Nooo!

                                     PROTESTERS
                         Boooo!

                                     COLLINS
                         What?! 

               [The Marsh house, Stan's room. Stan and friends are oblivious 
               to the action outside]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, let's try it again. Hup!

                                     A QUINT
                         Hup! 

                                     KYLE
                         Alright!

                                     RANDY
                          Stan, we- 

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, we have some bad news. The 
                         courts have decided the girls must go 
                         back to Romania.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, they can't! We've convinced them 
                         that they want to stay in America.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, we've shown them amusement parks 
                         and malls. How can you expect them to 
                         go back now??
 
                                     RANDY
                         I'm sorry, boys, but Janet Reno is having 
                         them taken away on Easter Sunday. We... 
                         don't have a choice. Sorry, girls. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Now what do we do?

               [The Marsh house, outside, day. Several days have passed, and 
               now the protest crowd is larger, and news cameras are present]
 
               
                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, it is now Easter morning, and as 
                         the U.S. government promised, they are 
                         here to take the girls back to their 
                         father in Romania. Rumor has it that 
                         Janet Reno herself will be extraditing 
                         the quintuplets. 
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Alright, Ms. Reno, let's go over the 
                         plan.
 
                                     JANET RENO
                         Right.

                                     SOLDIER
                         We'll drop you on the northwest corner 
                         of the backyard. You hop into the back 
                         of the house and find the quintuplets. 
                         When you see them, you say...
 
                                     JANET RENO
                         "Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny."
 
                         
                                     SOLDIER
                         Good. And then hand them the Easter 
                         eggs filled with tear gas. Are you ready?
 
                         
                                     JANET RENO
                         Ready.

                                     SOLDIER
                         Code blue!

                                     JANET RENO
                         Code blue! 

               [Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny is heard singing. He is 
               onstage as his song ends, and his mom joins him with three other 
               people]
 
                                     MUSIC INSTRUCTOR
                         Lad, we would like very much to have 
                         you here at the Romanina Music School.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!)

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         How much is all this gonna cost?

                                     MUSIC INSTRUCTOR
                         Don't worry, Ms. McCormick, Romania 
                         is very poor country. Apartment is cheap. 
                         Food is cheap, Everything is cheap because 
                         we are so God-damned poor.
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                         Yes, your two hundred American dollars 
                         will last months here.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Wow, what a great country. Everybody's 
                         poor, like us.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

               [The Marsh house, day. Protesters and police mill around the 
               front yard]
 
                                     JANET RENO
                          Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny. 
                          Happy Easter, kids. Come see what I 
                         brought for ya. 
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Hey, Terrance, I think I have to fart. 
                         
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Wait. Before you do, pull my thumb.
 
                         
                                     QUINT 2
                         Oh, look. An Easter egg.

                                     RANDY
                         Oh, shi- 

                                     LEAD SOLDIER
                         That's it. Let's move, move move move, 
                         move!  Give us the kids, now! Now!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER 1
                         Down on the floor. Get down on the God-damned 
                         floor! 
 
                                     OFFICER 2
                         Find them!

                                     JANET RENO
                          This is a bust! Hand over the quints! 
                          Hand over the children! Happy Easter. 
                         Hand over the children!!
 
                                     GRANDPA
                          What the hell's goin' on?! 

                                     OFFICER 3
                         Freeze, asshole!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Aw, go ahead and shoot me! I dare ya!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER 3
                         Don't push me, man!

                                     GRANDPA
                         Pull the trigger, you little pussy!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER 3
                         Gaahhh! 

                                     OFFICER 4
                         Gun! Gun! 

                                     JANET RENO
                         Down! Down! 

                                     PROTESTER
                         Riot! Riot! 

                                     OFFICER 5
                         Pepper spray! Pepper spray! 

                                     OFFICER 6
                         Go ahead! In the van! 

                                     STAN
                          Damnit, now I'm never gonna have my 
                         own circus!
 
               [Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny performs in front of a 
               full house. He finishes his song and the audience erupts in applause. 
               Roses rain down upon him as he takes his bow.]
 
                                     MUSIC INSTRUCTOR
                         Oh, your son is so talented, Ms. McCormick. 
                         The people of Romania love him.
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Good job, Kenny.

                                     MUSIC INSTRUCTOR
                         Mrs.McCormick, we would love for you 
                         and your son to stay here in Romania, 
                         with us. Wwill you consider it?
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Well, what do you think, Kenny? You'd 
                         have to leave your friends and your 
                         family behind.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Sure!)

                                     MUSIC INSTRUCTOR
                         Alright!

               [The Marsh house, day. The protesters leave one by one. The Marshes 
               stand in the bombed-out ruins]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, Randy, it's gone! It's all gone!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude, what the hell happened?

                                     STAN
                         The government came and got the quintuplets. 
                         No more Cirque du Cheville for us.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Damnit! How come every time we get a 
                         sweet idea, the government has to screw 
                         it up?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah! Well, not this time!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

                                     STAN
                         We've just gotta get that angry mob 
                         back on our side!  Alright, everybody, 
                         listen up! Those bastards broke in here 
                         and took those poor quintuplets to the 
                         mayor's office downtown! But they haven't 
                         won yet! I say we all go over to the 
                         mayor's office, and demand to see the 
                         quintuplets right now!
 
                                     PROTESTER 1
                         Hmm.

                                     PROTESTER 2
                         Yeaahh.

                                     PROTESTER 3
                         I don't know. I usually like to stop 
                         protesting by 5:30.
 
                                     PROTESTER 4
                         Yeah, ah, do we get overtime for this?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh, sure, you can all get overtime.
 
                         
                                     PROTESTER 5
                         Alright!

                                     PROTESTER 6
                         Yeah!

                                     PROTESTER 7
                         Down with Japan! 

               [An office. Janet Reno and the two officers meet the Mayor and 
               her aides for a photo-op. The photographer takes his shot.]
 
               
                                     JANET RENO
                         Alright. We just need to get a few more 
                         pictures of the girls reunited with 
                         their father so everyone knows they're 
                         happy. 
 
                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Come on, girls. Smile.  We want you 
                         to look happy. Smile.  Look at the silly 
                         frog. Who's got the silly frog? Look 
                         at him. I've got- Look at him. It's 
                         silly. "I'm so silly." 
 
               [Romania, day. A news report on TV]

                                     STUART
                         Ah, hello? This is Kenny's dad, back 
                         in America. I miss my son very much. 
                         I would like to see him returned to 
                         me so that the U.S. government will 
                         buy me a new car and-  Ow! I mean, bec- 
                         because I miss my son very much.  Man.
 
                         
               [A United States Air Force checkpoint, later. Cartman, Kyle, 
               and Stan approach, and a soldier intervenes]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey! We wanna see the quintuplets!
 
                         
                                     SOLDIER
                         You can't see them, boys. They're happily 
                         reunited with their father.
 
                                     STAN
                          Come on, angry mob! 

                                     SOLDIER
                         Aaa-a-a-aaa-ah.

               [The USAF office. Reno has taken her mask off and stands next 
               to the girls. Behind her are six officers, and next to them are 
               the two Romanian officials and Mr. Vladchick.]
 
                                     ROMANIAN OFFICIAL
                          Alright, it is time for us to return 
                         to Romania.
 
                                     JANET RENO
                          What is that?

                                     OFFICER 7
                          It's the protesters. They're back.
 
                         
                                     JANET RENO
                         God-damnit! We'll take care of them. 
                         Come on! 
 
                                     OFFICER 8
                         Let's move. Move!

                                     OFFICER 7
                         Come on, come on, come on.

                                     OFFICER 9
                         Come oonn, come oonn. 

                                     OFFICER 10
                         This is government property!

                                     PROTESTER
                         Let the quints stay! 

                                     SHARON
                         You ruined my house! 

                                     QUINT 1
                         What are you doing, Nadia?

                                     NADIA
                         I'm calling the only person in the vorld 
                         who can help us. 
 
               [A USAF airfield, later. Protesters and officers are still brawling. 
               Stan and Kyle each kick an officer on the shin.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Take that! 

                                     QUINT 3
                          Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! 

                                     QUINT 1
                         All of you are acting like idiots!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     QUINT 1
                         None of you care about us. You only 
                         care about yourselves!
 
                                     QUINT 2
                         Look at you, Father. You walked out 
                         on us five years ago , and now you act 
                         like you miss us sooo much! You are 
                         a liar and a fake!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, you suck, dude!

                                     QUINT 3
                         And you Romanian leaders , you don't 
                         care about us! All you care about is 
                         making America look stupid!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! God, you guys are dicks!

                                     QUINT 3
                         And you protesters! Don't you have anything 
                         better to do?! Get a life!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah!

                                     QUINT 3
                         And you boys are the worst of all!
 
                         
                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Huh?

                                     QUINT 3
                         You know nothing about Romania, and 
                         yet you assume America is so much better! 
                         Maybe Romania isn't as nice as America, 
                         but it is our home! We are Romanian! 
                         All you care about is your own stupid 
                         circus! 
 
                                     JANET RENO
                          Where are you going, girls?

                                     QUINT 1
                         The only place we can go. We're going 
                         on Oprah and then a book tour. 
 
                                     QUINT 5
                         Yes. You can all kiss our little white 
                         Romanian asses! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, well. Doing our own circus was a 
                         dumb idea anyways.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, screw them!

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny was never gonna get his singing 
                         right anyway.
 
                                     STAN
                         Whatever happened to Kenny?

               [Romania, day. Romanian protesters with signs bearing a picture 
               of Kenny's head lobby in front of the house Kenny's in.]
 
                                     ROMANIAN PROTESTERS
                         Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! Let 
                         Kenny stay! 
 
                                     OFFICER 1
                          Alright, people, the father wants his 
                         son returned to him! Hand him over to 
                         us!
 
                                     ROMANIAN PROTESTERS
                         Boooo!

                                     OFFICER 2
                         Shut up, Romanians! All right, let's 
                         go. Move move move move! 
 
                                     OFFICER 3
                          Hand over the boy, now!

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Okay, okay!

                                     OFFICER 3
                         I mean it, lady, you've got about-! 
                          Woops.
 
               THE END

Quintuplets 2000



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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