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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 301


                              "RAINFOREST SCHMAINFOREST"


                                      Written by 


                               Trey Parker & Matt Stone







               [South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. A group of visiting 
               kids in yellow G.G.W.K. shirts stands next to Garrison]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, we have a special guest 
                         today, a woman recruiting young people 
                          for a national choir tour. Now I know 
                         that choir tours are totally stupid 
                         and lame , but please, give her your 
                         full attention.  Go ahead.
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Uh. Thank you, Mr. Garrison.  How are 
                         we all doing today?!  I can't hear you! 
                         I said, How are we all doing?! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Eric Cartman, you say "excuse me"!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Go ahead.

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Children, we are a national choir called, 
                         "Getting Gay With Kids!" We're gonna 
                         do a big tour down in Central America 
                         to help save the rainforest, and you 
                         can be a part of it!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (This sounds fucking screwed) 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're 
                         spoken to!!  Go ahead.
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         You see, we take kids from all over 
                         the country and put them in a choir 
                          where we sing and dance to raise awareness 
                         about our vanishing rainforest.
 
                                     CHOIR BOY
                          Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest 
                         are bolldozed every year?
 
                                     CHOIR GIRL
                          That's right. And over 30% of the world's 
                         oxygen  is made in the rainforest. 
 
                         
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         So, who wants to join the fun??

                                     CARTMAN
                         What if you don't have any rhythm?
 
                         
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Excuse me?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, 
                         so he doesn't have any rhythm.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Shut up, fatass!

                                     STAN
                         Choirs suck.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!! 
                         Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! 
                         Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!! 
                         Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!! 
                          Go ahead.
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Well, uh, that's all, really.  So, if 
                         anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest 
                         and joining our choir, I'll leave information 
                         packets up front.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet 
                         paper. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         All right, that does it!!

               [Mr. Mackey's office. The kid in the blue aviator cap isn't sitting 
               on the bench outside, as he usually is]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          I am tired of seeing you in my office, 
                         young man!  You get sent here every 
                         day, Craig! 
 
                                     CRAIG
                         I know.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Why can't you behave?

                                     CRAIG
                         ...I don't know.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         What do you have to say for yourself?! 
                          Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, 
                         you're gonna be held back a grade if 
                         you don't luh-  Did you just flip me 
                         off?
 
                                     CRAIG
                         No.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes you did, you just flipped me the 
                         bird! Now, see? This is exactly what 
                         I'm talking about! If you don't shape 
                         up, mkay, and get your head straight, 
                         uh-  There! You just flipped me off 
                         again!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         No I didn't.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes you did! And until you stop flipping 
                         people off, you can just go back to 
                         the waiting room, mkay?! Next!  Well, 
                         well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, 
                         Kenny, and Eric. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Craig.

                                     ERIC
                         Ey, don't flip me off, you son of a 
                         bitch!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What 
                         did Mr. Garrison send you in here for? 
                         "The boys were being rude while a choir 
                         teacher was giving some stupid presentation-"
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It's just some dumb activist kids' choir 
                         thing.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, young man, "Getting Gay With Kids" 
                         is not dumb, mkay? It just so happens 
                         that I'm on the board of directors.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! All those choirs are the same. 
                         They don't even really sing. They use 
                         prerecorded tapes.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, guess what, boys? I think that 
                         "Getting Gay With Kids" is just what 
                         you need. I'm gonna sign up all four 
                         of you.
 
                                     STAN
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         You can't do that! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!)  (I mean, 'Oh.') 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I think this will be very good for you 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         But we don't even care about the rainforest.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         And that's exactly why you need to go!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be good. 
                         Don't send us to that ole kids' choir. 
                         Have mercy, Mr. Mackey.
 
               [Kyle's house, some days later. The Get Gay With Kids bus pulls 
               up to Kyle's house to pick up Kyle, Cartman, and Stan]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Be safe, Kyle. Bring me something back 
                         from the rainforest.
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. 
                         We must take only pictures and leave 
                         only footprints.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, I didn't realize.

                                     CHOIR BOY
                         Did you know that right now, bulldozers 
                         are tearing down thousands of acres 
                         of rainforest every day?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw, man, this is gonna suck donkey 
                         balls.
 
                                     STAN
                          Please don't make me go on a choir 
                         tour, Mom, please!
 
                                     SHARON
                         Stan, you should be excited. I would 
                         love to see the rainforest. Besides, 
                         your dad and I need some time alone. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Nooo-ho! 

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Okay, children, that's all of us. We're 
                         ready to head for the Latin American 
                         nation of Costa Rica, a country filled 
                         with virgin rainforest.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoopee.

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         And you must be Eric Cartman. I've heard 
                         about you. You don't respect nature 
                         or other cultures.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, pretty much.

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, 
                         kiddo.
 
                                     CHOIR GIRL
                          My name's Kelly.

                                     KENNY
                         (My name's Kenny.)

                                     KELLY
                         Lenny?

                                     KENNY
                         (No, it's Kenny.)

                                     KELLY
                         Johnny?

                                     KENNY
                         (Kenny!)

                                     KELLY
                         Oh. 

                                     CHOIR GIRL
                         Now, we've got a looong trip ahead of 
                         us, so let's take the opportunity to 
                         learn our choreography.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          The nightmare begins.

               [The bus rolls along. A map pops up, showing the bus's route, 
               and Latin music plays. It croses the border at Mexicali, goes 
               down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to Mexico and cuts across 
               the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central America to Costa 
               Rica. They arrive at San José.]
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Oh, look, children! I think we're entering 
                         San José, which is the capital of Costa 
                         Rica.  Oh! This is so exciting!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God! Dude, look at how dirty and 
                         crappy everything is!
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Eric, Costa Rica is a Third-World country. 
                         These people are much poorer than those 
                         in the U.S.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?! 
                          Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking 
                         off, and get a job! What's wrong with 
                         you?! Go to college!
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Eric, sit down!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Look, you've gotta be firm with these 
                         people or they just slack off and be 
                         poor forever. Right, Kenny?  Hey, maybe 
                         that's it, Kenny. Maybe you're Costa 
                         Rican; that's why your family's so poor.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (Argh! That's just so untrue.)

                                     KELLY
                          Your family isn't poor? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, dude, look over there!  Wow! Costa 
                         Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the 
                         prostitutes, you guys!
 
                                     REDHEADED PROSTITUTE
                          What are chu looking at, man?

                                     MIDDLE PROSTITUTE
                         Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay.  Kugheek! 

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Eric, SIT DOWN!

               [the bus stops at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica and all exit]
 
               
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Kids, this is the Costa Rican Capitol 
                         building. This is where all the leaders 
                         of the Costa Rican government make their-
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh my God,  it smells like ass out 
                         here.
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         All right, that does it!  Eric Cartman, 
                         you respect other cultures this instant!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I wasn't saying anything about their 
                         culture, I was just saying their city 
                         smells like ass.
 
                                     KELLY
                         Wow, seeing a place like this really 
                         makes you appreciate living in America, 
                         huh?
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Uh-huh.) 

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         You may think that making fun of Third-World 
                         countries is funny, but let me-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't think it's funny! This place 
                         is overcrowded, smelly, and poor! That's 
                         not funny, that sucks!
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Eric, will you please, please, just 
                         keep your mouth shut while we present 
                         ourselves to the Costa Rican President?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why?

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Because I'll buy you some ice cream 
                         afterwards if you do.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh-heheh!

               [inside the Capitol. All seem to be facing the President]

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Well, it was a long trip, but the children 
                         are very excited to sing tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                          ¿Qué?

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, 
                         that was sent from... the United States?
 
                         
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                          ¿Qué?

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         We're the group singing for the "Save 
                         The Rainforest" summit tomorrow?  Oh 
                         dear, where's, where's Mr. Mackey? He 
                         should have been here by now.  Children, 
                         do any of you speak Spanish?  Don't 
                         you dare! 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Sorry I'm late.

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Ogh! Thank goodness you're here; I don't 
                         speak any Spanish.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, no problem.  Usted es choir de Estados 
                         Unidos, mbien?
 
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                         ¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest.

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Yeess!

                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                         Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla. 
                         
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, he says Pablo here will take you 
                         on a rainfoest tour.
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Oh boy! Mr. Presidente, round up your 
                         subjects outside. We have a special 
                         gift for you. The gift... uh-of song. 
                         
 
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                          ¿Qué?

               [On the Capitol steps]

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         All right, children, Let's get in our 
                         rows quickly, so we can begin.
 
                                     KELLY
                          Did you remember all the choreography, 
                         Lenny?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, I think so)

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Hello, everybody. This is just a little 
                         rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be 
                         a little rusty. 
 
                                     THE TAPE
                          Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo 
                         wow!
 
               
               [Men sing] There's a place that is magical, and full of rain.
 
               
               [Women sing] But now it needs help, because it is in pain.

               [Men sing] Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore

               [All sing] We're spreading awareness like never before!

               
               [Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle is out of step 
               now]
 
               To spread the word and bring you cheer

               Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?!

               Being an activist is totally gay!

               
               [Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
 
               
               [Woman sings] There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the 
               entire world!
 
               [Man joins her] World!

               
               [Chorus. Kids rush into the audience and bring some members back 
               as new partners]
 
               Getting Gay With Kids is here!

               To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!

               [Move to E flat] Getting Gay With Kids is here!

               Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay!

               It's totally gay!

               [the kids regroup and Kyle stumbles into place. The tape is stopped 
               and the subjects just walk away]
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Great job, gang! You were really all 
                         over the place, Kyle.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Thanks!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you Jewish people don't have 
                         rhythm!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Fuck off, Cartman!

                                     STAN
                         No, dude! I think Cartman might actually 
                         be right.
 
                                     KYLE
                          No! That's a stereotype.

                                     STAN
                         Dude! Maybe you really don't have any 
                         rhythm. 
 
               [Next day, the sun rises over a sea of cccccc, the canopy of 
               the rainforest. The choir teacher and her group are touring with 
               Pablo]
 
                                     PABLO
                         This is now secondary rainforest we 
                         are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.
 
                         
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it 
                         would be!
 
                                     KYLE
                         God-damn, it's hot out here!

                                     STAN
                          Aaah! Snake!

                                     KYLE
                         No, dude. That's a branch.

                                     STAN
                         Oh.  Aaah! Snake!

                                     KYLE
                         No. That's the same branch again.

                                     STAN
                         Oh.

                                     PABLO
                          The rainforest is very delicate, and 
                         we must take steps to protect it.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect 
                         it, blah blah blah.  We here this a 
                         million times back up in the States.
 
                         
                                     PABLO
                         Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys. 
                          Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
 
                         
                                     KELLY
                         Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny? 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Bad! Bad monkey! 

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Eric, what the heck are you doing?? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm asserting myself. It's tough love. 
                         Just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad 
                         I say, "Uh that a bad Mr. Kitty!" and 
                         I smack him on the head!
 
                                     PABLO
                         And here is a three-toed sloth. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          It's bad! It's a bad three-toed sloth!
 
                         
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                          Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Respect my authoritah!

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, 
                         but I guess we should be getting back. 
                         We have a big concert tomorrow, Don't 
                         we, kids?!
 
                                     KIDS
                         YEAH!

                                     CHOIR BOY
                         I wish we could have seen the Yanogapa.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What's the Yanogapa?

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         The Yanogapa are gentle native people 
                         that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers 
                         are destroying their homes. Soon, they 
                         will have nowhere to go. So we must 
                         stop bulldozing the rainforest so that 
                         they can live-!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Aagh Ghyod, here she goes again!!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         AAAAAAA! 

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Stanley, what is it?

                                     STAN
                         SNAAAKE! 

                                     PABLO
                          Oh, yes. Uhthis is what we call a coral 
                         snake. Notice the red markings. Quite 
                         an amazing creature.
 
                                     STAN
                         AAAAAAA! 

                                     PABLO
                         What's the matter, little boy?

                                     CARTMAN
                         He's a little wuss, what's it look like? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          I'm just a-scared of snakes.

                                     PABLO
                         Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake 
                         is more afraid of us than we are of 
                         it. 
 
               Oh!! [the snake bites him all over the face. Stan looks and drops 
               the foliage so as to hide, and Pablo falls]
 
               Agh.

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                          Oh my God!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, that snake is really scared of 
                         us all right!
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                          Jesus Christ, is he dead?! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude!

                                     KYLE
                         My guess would be 'yes.'

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Oh, no! God, no, no!  Don't panic, children
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Bad! That's a bad snay-ah! 

               [The sun sets over the rainforest. The choir teacher now guides 
               the group...]
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Maybe we came from that way.  No, nno. 
                         Let's try this way. 
 
                                     KELLY
                          Benny? Do you think we're gonna be 
                         okay?
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Look. Everything is fine.)

                                     KELLY
                         That's good. Can I tell you something?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Okay.)

                                     KELLY
                         I think I like you. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Really?!)

                                     KELLY
                          Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate 
                         really well.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh, that's great!)

                                     KELLY
                          No, that's not good.

                                     KENNY
                         (That's not good?)

                                     KELLY
                         No. See, if I start to like you too 
                         much,  I'm only going to get my heart 
                         broken. 'Cause we live on opposite ends 
                         of the country.  Once this choir tour 
                         is over, we'll never see each other 
                         again.  And that would devastate me. 
                          So I can't have any feelings for you, 
                         I just can't, Lenny! 
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Aaaargh!)

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Oh, children, the sun is setting. We 
                         have to find our way out of here quick!
 
                         
               [The sun sets and the moon appears over the rainforest. Lightning 
               flashes and the camera slowly drops to ground cover]
 
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Whoa-kay, okay, everything is just fine, 
                         kids. Now it is important that we all 
                         stick together. Is everybody still here?
 
                         
                                     A BOY
                         I'm not.

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Who's not?!

                                     A BOY
                         Me.

                                     KELLY
                         Benny, will you hold my hand?  I don't 
                         want to get emotionally attached, though.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, dude!! I just saw Tony Danza!!
 
                         
                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         No, you didn't just see Tony Danza, 
                         Stanley.
 
               [Next day. The sun rises over the Centro Nacional. A rooster 
               crows. A maasive stage is prepared for the Save the Rain Forest 
               summit. It looks like an amphitheatre, with a scaffold holding 
               ten speakers over the stage and bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons 
               and a Save the Rain Forest banner are also anchored to the scaffold]
 
               
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                          Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al 
                         lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the 
                         rainbow next to the picture of dying 
                         sea turtles.) 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Buenos dias, Señor Presidente, ¿mbien? 
                         (Hello, El Presidente)
 
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                         ¿Qué tal? ¿Está todo bien? (Oh hello. 
                         Is everything going okay?)
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um... 
                         ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm 
                         bien? (Oh fine, fine... You, uh, haven't 
                         seen the choir have you?)
 
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                         ¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel, 
                         hmbien. (Well, they never came back 
                         to the hotel last night...)
 
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                         ¡¿Está bromeando, Mackey?! ¡¡¡Más de 
                         cien mil personas atenderan este evento!!! 
                         ¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis 
                         chiquitos lindos para que les canten?! 
                         (You've got to be kidding!! I have over 
                         a hundred thousand people coming to 
                         this event!!! Are you telling me that 
                         I have no darling little kids to sing 
                         to them?!)
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llegá- 
                         llegáran. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo, 
                         ¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get 
                         here. No problem, forget I said anything.)
 
                         
               [At the same time, in the rainforest, the group rises and marches 
               on]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, we're totally lost! We're gonna 
                         die out here!
 
                                     KELLY
                         We are?

                                     CHOIR TEACHER
                         Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find 
                         our way out of the rainforest and make 
                         it back to the concert in time. We just 
                         need to respect our mother rainforest 
                         so that she will respect us.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Miss Stevens, you have a bug on your 
                         back.
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Oh, really? Could you brush it off? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Um, no.

                                     MISS STEVENS
                          Oh, boy oh!! Oh my God, get it off 
                         me!! For the love of God, get it off 
                         me!! Oh my God!!  Oh-okay, children. 
                         We must understand that the insects 
                         of the rainforest help the delicate 
                         balance of life here.  Oh my God!! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Rainforests suck! I wanna go home!
 
                         
                                     KELLY
                         Me, too! 

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Shh. Children, okay, let's try to listen 
                         to what the rainforest tells us. And 
                         if we use our ears she can tell us so 
                         many things. Perhaps-
 
                                     KYLE
                          Aaaaa! There's a dude here! 

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Oh, thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are 
                         lost.  Cah heh, can you help us?
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         ¿Qué?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Let me try, let me try. We are from 
                         America. A-me-ri-ca.  We are lost and 
                         verry hungry. Necesito burri-tos. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I don't wanna burrito, I want a taco. 
                         Supreme.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Y taco.

                                     KYLE
                         I want two tostadas and mild sauce.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Two tostadas and mih-um enchilito.
 
                         
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Boys, please. Not every Spanish person 
                         eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype. 
                          Children, he wants us to follow him! 
                         Oooh, thank goodness! I think this ordeal 
                         is over! 
 
               [The group arrives at a military camp deep in the rainforest. 
               Soldiers go about their maneuvers. The kids pass a small barbed-wire 
               bunker]
 
                                     STAN
                         This doesn't look very safe.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I think we should get the hell 
                         out of here.
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Now kids, let's be a bit more "open-minded." 
                         I read all about this in Newsweek; this 
                         is a "people's army." They are fighting 
                         the fascist policies of their fascist 
                         government.  Oh, hello. Do you speak 
                         of English?
 
                                     PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
                          Who are you?!

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it 
                         is such a great coincidence we found 
                         you. You see, we're here to protest 
                         the government-sanctioned raping of 
                         your rainforest.  We are fighters, just 
                         like you. Could you help us get back 
                         to San José?  Um...  Oh, I know! Perhaps 
                         you would like a gift.. Well, we have 
                         o-honly-hee one gift to give. The gift... 
                         of song 
 
                                     KIDS
                         Honh. 

                                     MISS STEVENS
                          Kyle, for the love of God, do the right 
                         choreography.  Oh, Kyle, please! 
 
                         
                                     PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
                         Enough! 

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Well, we hope that our gift of song 
                         has warmed your hearts.
 
                                     PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
                         We're not getting gay with any kids, 
                         okay?
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Uh, yah, soooo, do you have a phone 
                         we could use?
 
                                     PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
                         Heehee yes, we have a phone. It's right 
                         over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi. 
                          Now, get out of here before we kill 
                         you!
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                          Is it because of the little Jewish 
                         boy's choreography?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey!

                                     PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
                          You white Americans make me sick!  
                         You waste food, oil, and everything 
                         else because you're so rich, and then 
                         you tell the rest of the world to save 
                         the rainforest because you like its 
                         pretty flowers.
 
               [two Costa Rican soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels. 
               They pop up and open fire. The people's army immediately responds, 
               and bullets fly everywhere. The kids scream]
 
                                     PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
                          ¡Rapido, rapido! 

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Run, children, run! 

               [Back in San José]

                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                         ¡¿Donde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo 
                         comienza pronto! (Where the hell is 
                         our choir?! The show is supposed to 
                         start soon!)
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         No se preocupe, ¿mbien? El Presidente, 
                         estáran aqui. Este evento es muy importante 
                         para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda. 
                         ¿M-m-mbien? (Don't worry, El Presidente, 
                         they'll be here. This is too important 
                         for the choir teacher to miss.)
 
               [Back in the rainforest. The choir now walks along a river bank]
 
               
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Hello?? Anybody?? Hellp??

                                     CHOIR BOY
                         Wow, look at the pretty flower. 

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower 
                         is very delicate, okay? 
 
                                     JAKE
                         Aaaah. Ugh, help!

                                     MISS STEVENS
                          Ga-ow! 

                                     KELLY
                          I wanna go home!  I hate the rainforest!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (Oh, there, there now. There's nothing 
                         to be afraid of, dear.) 
 
                                     KELLY
                          Oh Lenny, hold me.  No, I can't get 
                         attached.  Oh, but I do like you.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Well, I like you-)

                                     KELLY
                          Oh, but you're only going to leave 
                         me.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Oh, God damn it!)

               [San José. The reporters for the telecast have arrived and are 
               in position]
 
                                     SHORT REPORTER
                         We're here live in San José, Costa Rica, 
                         where hundreds of rich Americans have 
                         gathered for the Save the Rain Forest 
                         summit. Everyone is here so they can 
                         feel good about themselves, and act 
                         like they aren't the ones responsible 
                         for the rainforest's peril.
 
                                     SLIM REPORTER
                         That's right, Bob, and of course the 
                         main attraction today is the darling 
                         kids' choir, "Getting Gay With Kids," 
                         all of whom must be backstage preparing 
                         at this very moment.
 
               [The rainforest. The terrain looks familiar...]

                                     MISS STEVENS
                          Oh, there's just no end to this place! 
                         I think maybe we're going in circles. 
                         Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an 
                         hour; I'm gonna lose my job!  Aaaah!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm sick of this bullcrap! I'm not 
                         following this hippie around anymore.
 
                         
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Eric, where are you going?

                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm going this way!

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Young man, I am the adult here, and 
                         I say you go this way!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look: you can stay over here, but I'm 
                         going over here.
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Young man, I have had it!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nononono! You here, me here! Screw you 
                         guys, I'ma going home.
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Good! You deserve to die, you little 
                         bastard!  Eric, we have to stay together!
 
                         
               [Eric moves through the rainforest]

                                     CARTMAN
                         God-damned stupid hippie activist! I 
                         should be home nestled in the couch 
                         with my Mr. Kitty right now watching 
                         Fat Abbot cartoons and eat-  Yes! I 
                         knew it! I'm saved! 
 
               [Back by the river]

                                     STAN
                         Hey. Maybe Cartman was right.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. It happened once before.

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         No. The Spirit of Maya has told me to 
                         go this way.
 
               [At the clearing]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Mister! You've gotta help me! I'm starving 
                         to death!
 
                                     FOREMAN
                         What are you doing here, little boy?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I was with my class, and we got all 
                         lost in the rainfoest, and I need some 
                         food. I'm fading fast!
 
                                     FOREMAN
                         Lost in the rainforest? Oh, my Lord! 
                         Where are all the others?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Food! I have to have food! 

                                     FOREMAN
                         Oh my God! Get this child some food, 
                         quick!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Chicken wings. 

                                     FOREMAN
                         Chicken wings!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Medium spicy. 

               [San José]

                                     CROWD
                         Start the show! Start the show! Start 
                         the show!
 
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                         La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco, 
                         se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. 
                         (The activists are getting anxious. 
                         They will start throwing things soon.)
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Estoy seguro que llegáran. Eh-solo poquito 
                         mas de tiempo, ¿mbien? (I'm sure the 
                         choir will be here. We just need a little 
                         more time)
 
                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                         Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes 
                         de Polacos.  (Well, I will try and amuse 
                         them with my Pollace Jokes.)
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mbien.

                                     EL PRESIDENTE
                          ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a comerse 
                         un burrito?  Dos.  ¿A cuantos Polacos 
                         les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many 
                         Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito? 
                         Two. How many Pollacks does it take 
                         to drive to Panama?)
 
               [In the rainforest, the choir keeps walking]

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never 
                         going to make the festival!
 
               Stan	Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [a column of smoke 
               is seen floating above the canopy]
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Let's go, quickly! 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, it's a fire. That means there must 
                         be people. 
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Children, it's the Yanogapa.  Do not 
                         be afraid. We are not here to tear down 
                         your rainforest. 
 
                                     YANOGAPA 1
                         Damtilié?

                                     YANOGAPA 2
                         Damtilié?

                                     MISS STEVENS
                          Look how they live in peace with all 
                         living things. Gentle, noble...  Run for 
                         your lives, children!
 
                                     STAN
                         Holy crap! 

                                     YANOGAPA
                          Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!

                                     STAN
                          Jesus Christ!

                                     STAN
                          Run run ruuun!  Waaah!

                                     KELLY
                          Aaaaa! Lenny!

                                     KENNY
                          (I've gotcha. Let's go!) 

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell?

                                     STAN
                         We're sinking.

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         It's quicksand, people! 

               [The Yanogapa village. Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang 
               on poles. An abandoned camera is among them. Further on, the 
               choir is found seated around a campfire... tied up individually]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         All we ever heard growing up was, "Save 
                         the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile"!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Fragile my ass!

                                     KELLY
                         Larry, if we make it out of this, I 
                         want to be your girlfriend. Even if 
                         we do live in different places, I don't 
                         care! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Kelly, you said it!) 

               [the Yanogapa men are apparently no different than other men. 
               They have dressed Miss Stevens in a skimpy home-made red-and-white 
               cheerleading outfit, complete with pom-poms, then strung her 
               up between two trees. They dance around her, chanting "Damtilié"]
 
               
                                     MISS STEVENS
                          Okay. Just what the heck is going on 
                         here, people?  AAAAA!!
 
                                     KELLY
                         Oh no, that big thing is going to make 
                         love to Miss Stevens!
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         All right, that does it!!  Blast these 
                         stupid-ass rainforests!! This place 
                         fucking sucks!!  I was wrong!! Fuck 
                         the rainforest!! I fucking hate it, 
                         I fucking hate it!!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, now she figures it out.

               [A bulldozer appears, driven by the foreman]

                                     FORMENA
                         Quick! Everybody help the children!
 
                         
               [more bulldozers enter and spread out. The workers go after the 
               Yanogapa and chase them away. The children brighten up considerably. 
               One bulldozer scoops up a group of Yanogapa and crushes them 
               against a tree, killing them, then backs up over a coral snake, 
               crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a large insect, 
               crushng it.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Bulldozers rule!

                                     FOREMAN
                          Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         HOORAY!!

                                     MISS STEVENS
                          Hooray, children!

               [Later. Miss Stevens is back in her regular clothes and sits 
               on a gasoline barrel. Kyle sits on another one, and the rest 
               of the kids take positions all over the bulldozer. All sip lemonade]
 
               
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         How did you know where we were?

                                     FOREMAN
                         Your little friend helped me out.

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Who'd you expect? Merv Griffin?

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         What exactly are you guys doing out 
                         here, with all this ...construction equipment?
 
                         
                                     FOREMAN
                         We're clearing out big sections of the 
                         rainforest for a lumberyard.
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Really?  That's great!!

                                     FOREMAN
                         You mean, you don't mind?

                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Nooo, I hate the rainforest! You go 
                         right ahead and plow down this whole 
                         fucking thing!
 
                                     FOREMAN
                         That's swell!

                                     KELLY
                         Okay, Benny. So in order for our long-distance 
                         relationship to work, we'll have to 
                         call each other every other day.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Okay. I can do that.) 

               (Christ!) [he falls, she gets up and goes to him]

                                     KELLY
                         Aaaah! Lenny! No! 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     KELLY
                          Whah?? Who?! Who killed him?!

                                     STAN
                         They did.

                                     KELLY
                         Who's "they"?!

                                     STAN
                          You know, "they."

                                     KYLE
                         They're... they're bastards.

                                     KELLY
                         Well don't just stand there, help him!!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         Help ...him?

                                     KELLY
                         Aaagh! 

               Come on, Benny! Breathe! [she tries giving him mouth-to-mouth 
               resuscitation, then pounds on his chest again]
 
               Breathe, you son of a bitch! [she picks her nose, then pounds 
               some more. Kenny coughs, and she listens]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude!

               [San José. The choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit 
               stage]
 
                                     SUMMIT HOST
                         And now, here to teach us about the 
                         rainfoest is Getting Gay With Kids. 
                         
 
                                     MISS STEVENS
                         Does everybody remember the new lyrics? 
                          And...
 
                                     THE NEW LYRICS
                          Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo 
                         wow!
 
               
               [Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks 
               ass.
 
               [Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
 
               
               [Men sing] You say, "Save the rainforest," but what do you know?
 
               
               [All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before.

               
               [Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle still can't dance]
 
               
               To tell you things you might not like to hear.

               You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.

               All you activists can go fuck yourselves!

                                     MALE ACTIVIST
                         That was so inspiring.

                                     FEMALE ACTIVIST
                         What a wonderful message.

               Each year, the Rainforest is

               responsible for over three

               thousand deaths from

               accidents, attacks or

               illnesses.

               [Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire 
               world!
 
               There are over seven

               hundred things in the

               Rainforest that cause cancer.

               [Man joins her] World!

               Join the fight now and help

               stop the Rainforest before

               it's too late.

               
               [Chorus]

               Getting Gay With Kids is here!

               To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!

               [Move to E flat] Getting Gay With Kids is here!

               Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!

               It's totally gay! It's totally gay!

               
               [End of Rainforest Schmainforest]

Rainforest Schmainforest



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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