"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 301
"RAINFOREST SCHMAINFOREST"
Written by
Trey Parker & Matt Stone
[South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. A group of visiting
kids in yellow G.G.W.K. shirts stands next to Garrison]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, we have a special guest
today, a woman recruiting young people
for a national choir tour. Now I know
that choir tours are totally stupid
and lame , but please, give her your
full attention. Go ahead.
CHOIR TEACHER
Uh. Thank you, Mr. Garrison. How are
we all doing today?! I can't hear you!
I said, How are we all doing?!
MR. GARRISON
Eric Cartman, you say "excuse me"!
CARTMAN
Okay.
MR. GARRISON
Go ahead.
CHOIR TEACHER
Children, we are a national choir called,
"Getting Gay With Kids!" We're gonna
do a big tour down in Central America
to help save the rainforest, and you
can be a part of it!
KENNY
(This sounds fucking screwed)
MR. GARRISON
Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're
spoken to!! Go ahead.
CHOIR TEACHER
You see, we take kids from all over
the country and put them in a choir
where we sing and dance to raise awareness
about our vanishing rainforest.
CHOIR BOY
Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest
are bolldozed every year?
CHOIR GIRL
That's right. And over 30% of the world's
oxygen is made in the rainforest.
CHOIR TEACHER
So, who wants to join the fun??
CARTMAN
What if you don't have any rhythm?
CHOIR TEACHER
Excuse me?
CARTMAN
Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish,
so he doesn't have any rhythm.
KYLE
Shut up, fatass!
STAN
Choirs suck.
MR. GARRISON
Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!!
Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!!
Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!!
Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!!
Go ahead.
CHOIR TEACHER
Well, uh, that's all, really. So, if
anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest
and joining our choir, I'll leave information
packets up front.
CARTMAN
Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet
paper.
MR. GARRISON
All right, that does it!!
[Mr. Mackey's office. The kid in the blue aviator cap isn't sitting
on the bench outside, as he usually is]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I am tired of seeing you in my office,
young man! You get sent here every
day, Craig!
CRAIG
I know.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Why can't you behave?
CRAIG
...I don't know.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
What do you have to say for yourself?!
Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh,
you're gonna be held back a grade if
you don't luh- Did you just flip me
off?
CRAIG
No.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yes you did, you just flipped me the
bird! Now, see? This is exactly what
I'm talking about! If you don't shape
up, mkay, and get your head straight,
uh- There! You just flipped me off
again!
CRAIG
No I didn't.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yes you did! And until you stop flipping
people off, you can just go back to
the waiting room, mkay?! Next! Well,
well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle,
Kenny, and Eric.
KYLE
Hey, Craig.
ERIC
Ey, don't flip me off, you son of a
bitch!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What
did Mr. Garrison send you in here for?
"The boys were being rude while a choir
teacher was giving some stupid presentation-"
STAN
It's just some dumb activist kids' choir
thing.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, young man, "Getting Gay With Kids"
is not dumb, mkay? It just so happens
that I'm on the board of directors.
KYLE
Dude! All those choirs are the same.
They don't even really sing. They use
prerecorded tapes.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, guess what, boys? I think that
"Getting Gay With Kids" is just what
you need. I'm gonna sign up all four
of you.
STAN
What?!
KYLE
You can't do that!
KENNY
(Woohoo!) (I mean, 'Oh.')
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I think this will be very good for you
STAN
But we don't even care about the rainforest.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
And that's exactly why you need to go!
CARTMAN
Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be good.
Don't send us to that ole kids' choir.
Have mercy, Mr. Mackey.
[Kyle's house, some days later. The Get Gay With Kids bus pulls
up to Kyle's house to pick up Kyle, Cartman, and Stan]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Be safe, Kyle. Bring me something back
from the rainforest.
CHOIR TEACHER
Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile.
We must take only pictures and leave
only footprints.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, I didn't realize.
CHOIR BOY
Did you know that right now, bulldozers
are tearing down thousands of acres
of rainforest every day?
CARTMAN
Aw, man, this is gonna suck donkey
balls.
STAN
Please don't make me go on a choir
tour, Mom, please!
SHARON
Stan, you should be excited. I would
love to see the rainforest. Besides,
your dad and I need some time alone.
STAN
Nooo-ho!
CHOIR TEACHER
Okay, children, that's all of us. We're
ready to head for the Latin American
nation of Costa Rica, a country filled
with virgin rainforest.
CARTMAN
Whoopee.
CHOIR TEACHER
And you must be Eric Cartman. I've heard
about you. You don't respect nature
or other cultures.
CARTMAN
Yeah, pretty much.
CHOIR TEACHER
Well, I'm gonna change the way you think,
kiddo.
CHOIR GIRL
My name's Kelly.
KENNY
(My name's Kenny.)
KELLY
Lenny?
KENNY
(No, it's Kenny.)
KELLY
Johnny?
KENNY
(Kenny!)
KELLY
Oh.
CHOIR GIRL
Now, we've got a looong trip ahead of
us, so let's take the opportunity to
learn our choreography.
CARTMAN
The nightmare begins.
[The bus rolls along. A map pops up, showing the bus's route,
and Latin music plays. It croses the border at Mexicali, goes
down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to Mexico and cuts across
the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central America to Costa
Rica. They arrive at San José.]
CHOIR TEACHER
Oh, look, children! I think we're entering
San José, which is the capital of Costa
Rica. Oh! This is so exciting!
CARTMAN
Oh my God! Dude, look at how dirty and
crappy everything is!
CHOIR TEACHER
Eric, Costa Rica is a Third-World country.
These people are much poorer than those
in the U.S.
CARTMAN
Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?!
Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking
off, and get a job! What's wrong with
you?! Go to college!
CHOIR TEACHER
Eric, sit down!
CARTMAN
Look, you've gotta be firm with these
people or they just slack off and be
poor forever. Right, Kenny? Hey, maybe
that's it, Kenny. Maybe you're Costa
Rican; that's why your family's so poor.
KENNY
(Argh! That's just so untrue.)
KELLY
Your family isn't poor?
CARTMAN
Whoa, dude, look over there! Wow! Costa
Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the
prostitutes, you guys!
REDHEADED PROSTITUTE
What are chu looking at, man?
MIDDLE PROSTITUTE
Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?
CARTMAN
Okay. Kugheek!
CHOIR TEACHER
Eric, SIT DOWN!
[the bus stops at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica and all exit]
CHOIR TEACHER
Kids, this is the Costa Rican Capitol
building. This is where all the leaders
of the Costa Rican government make their-
CARTMAN
Oh my God, it smells like ass out
here.
CHOIR TEACHER
All right, that does it! Eric Cartman,
you respect other cultures this instant!
CARTMAN
I wasn't saying anything about their
culture, I was just saying their city
smells like ass.
KELLY
Wow, seeing a place like this really
makes you appreciate living in America,
huh?
KENNY
(Uh-huh.)
CHOIR TEACHER
You may think that making fun of Third-World
countries is funny, but let me-
CARTMAN
I don't think it's funny! This place
is overcrowded, smelly, and poor! That's
not funny, that sucks!
CHOIR TEACHER
Eric, will you please, please, just
keep your mouth shut while we present
ourselves to the Costa Rican President?
CARTMAN
Why?
CHOIR TEACHER
Because I'll buy you some ice cream
afterwards if you do.
CARTMAN
Eh-heheh!
[inside the Capitol. All seem to be facing the President]
CHOIR TEACHER
Well, it was a long trip, but the children
are very excited to sing tomorrow.
EL PRESIDENTE
¿Qué?
CHOIR TEACHER
Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That,
that was sent from... the United States?
EL PRESIDENTE
¿Qué?
CHOIR TEACHER
We're the group singing for the "Save
The Rainforest" summit tomorrow? Oh
dear, where's, where's Mr. Mackey? He
should have been here by now. Children,
do any of you speak Spanish? Don't
you dare!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Sorry I'm late.
CHOIR TEACHER
Ogh! Thank goodness you're here; I don't
speak any Spanish.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, no problem. Usted es choir de Estados
Unidos, mbien?
EL PRESIDENTE
¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest.
CHOIR TEACHER
Yeess!
EL PRESIDENTE
Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, he says Pablo here will take you
on a rainfoest tour.
CHOIR TEACHER
Oh boy! Mr. Presidente, round up your
subjects outside. We have a special
gift for you. The gift... uh-of song.
EL PRESIDENTE
¿Qué?
[On the Capitol steps]
CHOIR TEACHER
All right, children, Let's get in our
rows quickly, so we can begin.
KELLY
Did you remember all the choreography,
Lenny?
KENNY
(Yeah, I think so)
CHOIR TEACHER
Hello, everybody. This is just a little
rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be
a little rusty.
THE TAPE
Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo
wow!
[Men sing] There's a place that is magical, and full of rain.
[Women sing] But now it needs help, because it is in pain.
[Men sing] Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore
[All sing] We're spreading awareness like never before!
[Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle is out of step
now]
To spread the word and bring you cheer
Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?!
Being an activist is totally gay!
[Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
[Woman sings] There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the
entire world!
[Man joins her] World!
[Chorus. Kids rush into the audience and bring some members back
as new partners]
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
[Move to E flat] Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay!
It's totally gay!
[the kids regroup and Kyle stumbles into place. The tape is stopped
and the subjects just walk away]
CHOIR TEACHER
Great job, gang! You were really all
over the place, Kyle.
KYLE
Thanks!
CARTMAN
I told you Jewish people don't have
rhythm!
KYLE
Fuck off, Cartman!
STAN
No, dude! I think Cartman might actually
be right.
KYLE
No! That's a stereotype.
STAN
Dude! Maybe you really don't have any
rhythm.
[Next day, the sun rises over a sea of cccccc, the canopy of
the rainforest. The choir teacher and her group are touring with
Pablo]
PABLO
This is now secondary rainforest we
are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.
CHOIR TEACHER
Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it
would be!
KYLE
God-damn, it's hot out here!
STAN
Aaah! Snake!
KYLE
No, dude. That's a branch.
STAN
Oh. Aaah! Snake!
KYLE
No. That's the same branch again.
STAN
Oh.
PABLO
The rainforest is very delicate, and
we must take steps to protect it.
CARTMAN
Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect
it, blah blah blah. We here this a
million times back up in the States.
PABLO
Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys.
Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
KELLY
Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny?
CARTMAN
Bad! Bad monkey!
CHOIR TEACHER
Eric, what the heck are you doing??
CARTMAN
I'm asserting myself. It's tough love.
Just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad
I say, "Uh that a bad Mr. Kitty!" and
I smack him on the head!
PABLO
And here is a three-toed sloth.
CARTMAN
It's bad! It's a bad three-toed sloth!
CHOIR TEACHER
Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!!
CARTMAN
Respect my authoritah!
CHOIR TEACHER
Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour,
but I guess we should be getting back.
We have a big concert tomorrow, Don't
we, kids?!
KIDS
YEAH!
CHOIR BOY
I wish we could have seen the Yanogapa.
KYLE
What's the Yanogapa?
CHOIR TEACHER
The Yanogapa are gentle native people
that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers
are destroying their homes. Soon, they
will have nowhere to go. So we must
stop bulldozing the rainforest so that
they can live-!
CARTMAN
Aagh Ghyod, here she goes again!!
STAN
AAAAAAA!
CHOIR TEACHER
Stanley, what is it?
STAN
SNAAAKE!
PABLO
Oh, yes. Uhthis is what we call a coral
snake. Notice the red markings. Quite
an amazing creature.
STAN
AAAAAAA!
PABLO
What's the matter, little boy?
CARTMAN
He's a little wuss, what's it look like?
STAN
I'm just a-scared of snakes.
PABLO
Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake
is more afraid of us than we are of
it.
Oh!! [the snake bites him all over the face. Stan looks and drops
the foliage so as to hide, and Pablo falls]
Agh.
CHOIR TEACHER
Oh my God!!
CARTMAN
Yeah, that snake is really scared of
us all right!
CHOIR TEACHER
Jesus Christ, is he dead?!
STAN
Dude!
KYLE
My guess would be 'yes.'
CHOIR TEACHER
Oh, no! God, no, no! Don't panic, children
CARTMAN
Bad! That's a bad snay-ah!
[The sun sets over the rainforest. The choir teacher now guides
the group...]
CHOIR TEACHER
Maybe we came from that way. No, nno.
Let's try this way.
KELLY
Benny? Do you think we're gonna be
okay?
KENNY
(Look. Everything is fine.)
KELLY
That's good. Can I tell you something?
KENNY
(Okay.)
KELLY
I think I like you.
KENNY
(Really?!)
KELLY
Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate
really well.
KENNY
(Oh, that's great!)
KELLY
No, that's not good.
KENNY
(That's not good?)
KELLY
No. See, if I start to like you too
much, I'm only going to get my heart
broken. 'Cause we live on opposite ends
of the country. Once this choir tour
is over, we'll never see each other
again. And that would devastate me.
So I can't have any feelings for you,
I just can't, Lenny!
KENNY
(Aaaargh!)
CHOIR TEACHER
Oh, children, the sun is setting. We
have to find our way out of here quick!
[The sun sets and the moon appears over the rainforest. Lightning
flashes and the camera slowly drops to ground cover]
CHOIR TEACHER
Whoa-kay, okay, everything is just fine,
kids. Now it is important that we all
stick together. Is everybody still here?
A BOY
I'm not.
CHOIR TEACHER
Who's not?!
A BOY
Me.
KELLY
Benny, will you hold my hand? I don't
want to get emotionally attached, though.
STAN
Oh my God, dude!! I just saw Tony Danza!!
CHOIR TEACHER
No, you didn't just see Tony Danza,
Stanley.
[Next day. The sun rises over the Centro Nacional. A rooster
crows. A maasive stage is prepared for the Save the Rain Forest
summit. It looks like an amphitheatre, with a scaffold holding
ten speakers over the stage and bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons
and a Save the Rain Forest banner are also anchored to the scaffold]
EL PRESIDENTE
Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al
lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the
rainbow next to the picture of dying
sea turtles.)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Buenos dias, Señor Presidente, ¿mbien?
(Hello, El Presidente)
EL PRESIDENTE
¿Qué tal? ¿Está todo bien? (Oh hello.
Is everything going okay?)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um...
¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm
bien? (Oh fine, fine... You, uh, haven't
seen the choir have you?)
EL PRESIDENTE
¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel,
hmbien. (Well, they never came back
to the hotel last night...)
EL PRESIDENTE
¡¿Está bromeando, Mackey?! ¡¡¡Más de
cien mil personas atenderan este evento!!!
¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis
chiquitos lindos para que les canten?!
(You've got to be kidding!! I have over
a hundred thousand people coming to
this event!!! Are you telling me that
I have no darling little kids to sing
to them?!)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llegá-
llegáran. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo,
¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get
here. No problem, forget I said anything.)
[At the same time, in the rainforest, the group rises and marches
on]
KYLE
Dude, we're totally lost! We're gonna
die out here!
KELLY
We are?
CHOIR TEACHER
Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find
our way out of the rainforest and make
it back to the concert in time. We just
need to respect our mother rainforest
so that she will respect us.
KYLE
Miss Stevens, you have a bug on your
back.
MISS STEVENS
Oh, really? Could you brush it off?
KYLE
Um, no.
MISS STEVENS
Oh, boy oh!! Oh my God, get it off
me!! For the love of God, get it off
me!! Oh my God!! Oh-okay, children.
We must understand that the insects
of the rainforest help the delicate
balance of life here. Oh my God!!
KYLE
Rainforests suck! I wanna go home!
KELLY
Me, too!
MISS STEVENS
Shh. Children, okay, let's try to listen
to what the rainforest tells us. And
if we use our ears she can tell us so
many things. Perhaps-
KYLE
Aaaaa! There's a dude here!
MISS STEVENS
Oh, thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are
lost. Cah heh, can you help us?
SOLDIER
¿Qué?
CARTMAN
Let me try, let me try. We are from
America. A-me-ri-ca. We are lost and
verry hungry. Necesito burri-tos.
STAN
I don't wanna burrito, I want a taco.
Supreme.
CARTMAN
Y taco.
KYLE
I want two tostadas and mild sauce.
CARTMAN
Two tostadas and mih-um enchilito.
MISS STEVENS
Boys, please. Not every Spanish person
eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype.
Children, he wants us to follow him!
Oooh, thank goodness! I think this ordeal
is over!
[The group arrives at a military camp deep in the rainforest.
Soldiers go about their maneuvers. The kids pass a small barbed-wire
bunker]
STAN
This doesn't look very safe.
KYLE
Yeah. I think we should get the hell
out of here.
MISS STEVENS
Now kids, let's be a bit more "open-minded."
I read all about this in Newsweek; this
is a "people's army." They are fighting
the fascist policies of their fascist
government. Oh, hello. Do you speak
of English?
PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
Who are you?!
MISS STEVENS
Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it
is such a great coincidence we found
you. You see, we're here to protest
the government-sanctioned raping of
your rainforest. We are fighters, just
like you. Could you help us get back
to San José? Um... Oh, I know! Perhaps
you would like a gift.. Well, we have
o-honly-hee one gift to give. The gift...
of song
KIDS
Honh.
MISS STEVENS
Kyle, for the love of God, do the right
choreography. Oh, Kyle, please!
PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
Enough!
MISS STEVENS
Well, we hope that our gift of song
has warmed your hearts.
PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
We're not getting gay with any kids,
okay?
MISS STEVENS
Uh, yah, soooo, do you have a phone
we could use?
PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
Heehee yes, we have a phone. It's right
over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi.
Now, get out of here before we kill
you!
MISS STEVENS
Is it because of the little Jewish
boy's choreography?
KYLE
Hey!
PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
You white Americans make me sick!
You waste food, oil, and everything
else because you're so rich, and then
you tell the rest of the world to save
the rainforest because you like its
pretty flowers.
[two Costa Rican soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels.
They pop up and open fire. The people's army immediately responds,
and bullets fly everywhere. The kids scream]
PEOPLE'S ARMY LEADER
¡Rapido, rapido!
MISS STEVENS
Run, children, run!
[Back in San José]
EL PRESIDENTE
¡¿Donde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo
comienza pronto! (Where the hell is
our choir?! The show is supposed to
start soon!)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
No se preocupe, ¿mbien? El Presidente,
estáran aqui. Este evento es muy importante
para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda.
¿M-m-mbien? (Don't worry, El Presidente,
they'll be here. This is too important
for the choir teacher to miss.)
[Back in the rainforest. The choir now walks along a river bank]
MISS STEVENS
Hello?? Anybody?? Hellp??
CHOIR BOY
Wow, look at the pretty flower.
MISS STEVENS
Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower
is very delicate, okay?
JAKE
Aaaah. Ugh, help!
MISS STEVENS
Ga-ow!
KELLY
I wanna go home! I hate the rainforest!
KENNY
(Oh, there, there now. There's nothing
to be afraid of, dear.)
KELLY
Oh Lenny, hold me. No, I can't get
attached. Oh, but I do like you.
KENNY
(Well, I like you-)
KELLY
Oh, but you're only going to leave
me.
KENNY
(Oh, God damn it!)
[San José. The reporters for the telecast have arrived and are
in position]
SHORT REPORTER
We're here live in San José, Costa Rica,
where hundreds of rich Americans have
gathered for the Save the Rain Forest
summit. Everyone is here so they can
feel good about themselves, and act
like they aren't the ones responsible
for the rainforest's peril.
SLIM REPORTER
That's right, Bob, and of course the
main attraction today is the darling
kids' choir, "Getting Gay With Kids,"
all of whom must be backstage preparing
at this very moment.
[The rainforest. The terrain looks familiar...]
MISS STEVENS
Oh, there's just no end to this place!
I think maybe we're going in circles.
Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an
hour; I'm gonna lose my job! Aaaah!
CARTMAN
I'm sick of this bullcrap! I'm not
following this hippie around anymore.
MISS STEVENS
Eric, where are you going?
CARTMAN
I'm going this way!
MISS STEVENS
Young man, I am the adult here, and
I say you go this way!
CARTMAN
Look: you can stay over here, but I'm
going over here.
MISS STEVENS
Young man, I have had it!!
CARTMAN
Nononono! You here, me here! Screw you
guys, I'ma going home.
MISS STEVENS
Good! You deserve to die, you little
bastard! Eric, we have to stay together!
[Eric moves through the rainforest]
CARTMAN
God-damned stupid hippie activist! I
should be home nestled in the couch
with my Mr. Kitty right now watching
Fat Abbot cartoons and eat- Yes! I
knew it! I'm saved!
[Back by the river]
STAN
Hey. Maybe Cartman was right.
KYLE
Yeah. It happened once before.
MISS STEVENS
No. The Spirit of Maya has told me to
go this way.
[At the clearing]
CARTMAN
Mister! You've gotta help me! I'm starving
to death!
FOREMAN
What are you doing here, little boy?
CARTMAN
I was with my class, and we got all
lost in the rainfoest, and I need some
food. I'm fading fast!
FOREMAN
Lost in the rainforest? Oh, my Lord!
Where are all the others?
CARTMAN
Food! I have to have food!
FOREMAN
Oh my God! Get this child some food,
quick!
CARTMAN
Chicken wings.
FOREMAN
Chicken wings!
CARTMAN
Medium spicy.
[San José]
CROWD
Start the show! Start the show! Start
the show!
EL PRESIDENTE
La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco,
se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas.
(The activists are getting anxious.
They will start throwing things soon.)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Estoy seguro que llegáran. Eh-solo poquito
mas de tiempo, ¿mbien? (I'm sure the
choir will be here. We just need a little
more time)
EL PRESIDENTE
Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes
de Polacos. (Well, I will try and amuse
them with my Pollace Jokes.)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mbien.
EL PRESIDENTE
¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a comerse
un burrito? Dos. ¿A cuantos Polacos
les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many
Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito?
Two. How many Pollacks does it take
to drive to Panama?)
[In the rainforest, the choir keeps walking]
MISS STEVENS
Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never
going to make the festival!
Stan Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [a column of smoke
is seen floating above the canopy]
MISS STEVENS
Let's go, quickly!
KYLE
Hey, it's a fire. That means there must
be people.
MISS STEVENS
Children, it's the Yanogapa. Do not
be afraid. We are not here to tear down
your rainforest.
YANOGAPA 1
Damtilié?
YANOGAPA 2
Damtilié?
MISS STEVENS
Look how they live in peace with all
living things. Gentle, noble... Run for
your lives, children!
STAN
Holy crap!
YANOGAPA
Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!
STAN
Jesus Christ!
STAN
Run run ruuun! Waaah!
KELLY
Aaaaa! Lenny!
KENNY
(I've gotcha. Let's go!)
KYLE
What the hell?
STAN
We're sinking.
MISS STEVENS
It's quicksand, people!
[The Yanogapa village. Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang
on poles. An abandoned camera is among them. Further on, the
choir is found seated around a campfire... tied up individually]
STAN
All we ever heard growing up was, "Save
the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile"!
KYLE
Yeah! Fragile my ass!
KELLY
Larry, if we make it out of this, I
want to be your girlfriend. Even if
we do live in different places, I don't
care!
KENNY
(Kelly, you said it!)
[the Yanogapa men are apparently no different than other men.
They have dressed Miss Stevens in a skimpy home-made red-and-white
cheerleading outfit, complete with pom-poms, then strung her
up between two trees. They dance around her, chanting "Damtilié"]
MISS STEVENS
Okay. Just what the heck is going on
here, people? AAAAA!!
KELLY
Oh no, that big thing is going to make
love to Miss Stevens!
MISS STEVENS
All right, that does it!! Blast these
stupid-ass rainforests!! This place
fucking sucks!! I was wrong!! Fuck
the rainforest!! I fucking hate it,
I fucking hate it!!
STAN
Oh, now she figures it out.
[A bulldozer appears, driven by the foreman]
FORMENA
Quick! Everybody help the children!
[more bulldozers enter and spread out. The workers go after the
Yanogapa and chase them away. The children brighten up considerably.
One bulldozer scoops up a group of Yanogapa and crushes them
against a tree, killing them, then backs up over a coral snake,
crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a large insect,
crushng it.]
STAN
Wow!
KYLE
Dude! Bulldozers rule!
FOREMAN
Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!
KIDS
HOORAY!!
MISS STEVENS
Hooray, children!
[Later. Miss Stevens is back in her regular clothes and sits
on a gasoline barrel. Kyle sits on another one, and the rest
of the kids take positions all over the bulldozer. All sip lemonade]
MISS STEVENS
How did you know where we were?
FOREMAN
Your little friend helped me out.
MISS STEVENS
Eric?
CARTMAN
Who'd you expect? Merv Griffin?
MISS STEVENS
What exactly are you guys doing out
here, with all this ...construction equipment?
FOREMAN
We're clearing out big sections of the
rainforest for a lumberyard.
MISS STEVENS
Really? That's great!!
FOREMAN
You mean, you don't mind?
MISS STEVENS
Nooo, I hate the rainforest! You go
right ahead and plow down this whole
fucking thing!
FOREMAN
That's swell!
KELLY
Okay, Benny. So in order for our long-distance
relationship to work, we'll have to
call each other every other day.
KENNY
(Okay. I can do that.)
(Christ!) [he falls, she gets up and goes to him]
KELLY
Aaaah! Lenny! No!
STAN
Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
KYLE
You bastards!
KELLY
Whah?? Who?! Who killed him?!
STAN
They did.
KELLY
Who's "they"?!
STAN
You know, "they."
KYLE
They're... they're bastards.
KELLY
Well don't just stand there, help him!!
KYLE
What?
STAN
Help ...him?
KELLY
Aaagh!
Come on, Benny! Breathe! [she tries giving him mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation, then pounds on his chest again]
Breathe, you son of a bitch! [she picks her nose, then pounds
some more. Kenny coughs, and she listens]
KYLE
Whoa, dude!
[San José. The choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit
stage]
SUMMIT HOST
And now, here to teach us about the
rainfoest is Getting Gay With Kids.
MISS STEVENS
Does everybody remember the new lyrics?
And...
THE NEW LYRICS
Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo
wow!
[Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks
ass.
[Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
[Men sing] You say, "Save the rainforest," but what do you know?
[All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before.
[Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle still can't dance]
To tell you things you might not like to hear.
You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.
All you activists can go fuck yourselves!
MALE ACTIVIST
That was so inspiring.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
What a wonderful message.
Each year, the Rainforest is
responsible for over three
thousand deaths from
accidents, attacks or
illnesses.
[Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire
world!
There are over seven
hundred things in the
Rainforest that cause cancer.
[Man joins her] World!
Join the fight now and help
stop the Rainforest before
it's too late.
[Chorus]
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
[Move to E flat] Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!
It's totally gay! It's totally gay!
[End of Rainforest Schmainforest]
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