The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 608


                               "RED-HOT CATHOLIC LOVE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Catholic Church, day. Organ music plays. Inside, 
               Priest Maxi is at the pulpit speaking to the congregation]
 
               
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Parents, it's that time of year again 
                         when the bishops and priests from around 
                         the country are organizing the Young 
                         Men's Catholic Retreat. This year, we're 
                         taking the boys on a weekend boat trip 
                         to discuss Jesus's role as the Navigator 
                         of our lives.
 
                                     STAN
                         That sounds pretty fun.

                                     RANDY
                          A Catholic boat trip? 

                                     SINGER
                         The Catholic Boat's gonna be headin' 
                         on out today.
 
               The Catholic Boat. Time to throw all of your cares away.

               Get some hot Chrisitan action; it'll make you-

                                     RANDY
                          Waaah! Waaah!  Uyah  ahem. 'Scuse me.
 
                         
               [South Park Catholic Church, day. Mass ends and the congregants 
               go to their cars. A crowd gathers around Randy. The McCormicks 
               are present.]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Look, I just don't think it's the best 
                         idea to let our boys to go on a c-cruise 
                         with the priests.
 
                                     RICHARD
                         We can let them go, can we?

                                     LINDA STOTCH
                         There's no way my son's going.

               [A black SUV, nearby. Stan, Cartman and Tweek are in the back 
               seat. Cartman looks out the closed window.]
 
                                     STAN
                         What are they talking about?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know.

                                     TWEEK
                         Maybe they wanna kill us.

               [back to the crowd]

                                     RANDY
                         With everything that's been in the news, 
                         I think it's best to keep our kids... 
                         far away from the priests.
 
                                     STUART
                          Now, come on, everybody, just because 
                         a few priests in the country have been 
                         corrupted doesn't mean that all priests 
                         are child molesters.
 
                                     RICHARD
                         Well, sure, that's easy for you to say; 
                         your son's dead. But those of us with 
                         alive children need to be sure that 
                         Father Maxi's on the up-and-up.
 
                                     SHARON
                         I've heard about other towns bringing 
                         in counselors that know how to find 
                         things out from kids without really 
                         telling them what's going on.
 
                                     RANDY
                         It couldn't hurt.

                                     RICHARD
                         Uh, Sh-sh. Here he comes, here he comes. 
                         
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Uh... Good-bye, everyone.

                                     ALL
                          Good-bye, Father. 

                                     CHRIS
                         Alright, then, it's settled. Tomorrow 
                         we'll find an outside counselor and... 
                         find out the truth.
 
               [Park County Community Center, next day. The boys are chattering 
               when a woman comes in and stands before them.]
 
                                     COUNSELOR
                         Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and 
                         I need to ask you a few questions about 
                         your priest, okaaay?
 
                                     BOYS
                         Okay.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi 
                         is... nice? Or mean?
 
                                     BOYS
                          Nice.

                                     STAN
                         Um, cool.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Okaaay, what words would you use to 
                         describe your priest? 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Compassionate.

                                     COUNSELOR
                         Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time, 
                         ever try to put somethig in your butt? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ih... in our... butt?

                                     COUNSELOR
                         You don't need to be ashamed or embarassed. 
                         Just, did he ever try to put anythig 
                         in your butt?
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Like ...money? What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         You mean, like a goldfish?

                                     COUNSELOR
                         No, no. Did he ever try to put anythig 
                         that belonged to him in your butt?
 
                         
                                     BOYS
                          No.

               [The Community Center, hallway. The parents wait for the counselor 
               to finish talking with the boys]
 
                                     THOMAS
                         This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out 
                         here waitin' to find out if our priest 
                         molested our kids.
 
                                     MAN
                         Yeah, what what has Catholicism come 
                         to anyway?
 
                                     RANDY
                          You know, I think we've just had it 
                         with the Church. All the horrible things 
                         they've done to kids, I... I think I'm 
                         gonna become an atheist!
 
                                     RICHARD
                         That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an 
                         atheist too.
 
                                     LINDA STOTCH
                         Let's all be atheists!

                                     ALL
                         Yeah, yeah, alright.

                                     MAN
                         If there was a god, why would he let 
                         our kids be molested in the first place?
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Yeah, let's kill God, yeah!

                                     RANDY
                         Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                          ...Same thing.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah! 

               [South Park proper, on the curb. Stan, Cartman, and Tweek sit 
               and think about stuff...]
 
                                     STAN
                         What would the priest ...possibly want 
                         to put in our butts? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Maybe... No.

                                     KYLE
                          Hey dudes.

                                     STAN, CARTMAN
                         Hey.

                                     TWEEK
                         Arr!

                                     KYLE
                         What are you guys doin'?

                                     STAN
                         We had to go meet with this counselor 
                         lady, and she asked us if the priest 
                         every put anything in our butts.
 
                                     KYLE
                         In your butts?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Why would he puyt anything in your butts?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We don't know. We're- that's what we're 
                         tryin' to figure out.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hm.

                                     KYLE
                          Hm. 

                                     CHEF
                          Hello there, children!

                                     STAN
                         Chef! What would a priest want to stick 
                         up my butt?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Good-bah! 

                                     TWEEK
                         Rrrh. Nobody is going to tell us. This 
                         is going to drive me insane!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a 
                         rational explanation.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, dude, I think I might have it.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                          It makes perfect sense. Okay, w-work 
                         with me on this: if you eat food, you 
                         crap out yoru butt, right?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, now keep working with me here, 
                         it's getting a little complicated. If 
                         you eat food and crap out yoru butt, 
                         then maybe, if you stuck food in your 
                         butt, you crap out your mouth.  Hm?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've 
                         ever said - this week!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What, that's not dumb. Think about it: 
                         food goes in the mouth, comes out the 
                         butt. Food goes in the butt, comes out 
                         the mouth. That's not dumb, that's genius.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It wouldn't work!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Have you ever tried it?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't need to. It wouldn't work.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I bet you twenty buck it'll work!

                                     KYLE
                         You're on, fat boy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, let's go, Jew! 

                                     PARENTS
                          Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with 
                         God!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stan, you're an atheist now!

                                     RICHARD
                         You too, Tweek!

                                     PARENTS
                          Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with 
                         God!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         I'm a what??

               [Diocesan headquarters, day. Sixteen priests are present in the 
               boardroom, with Fatherh Maxi presiding]
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Fathers, I want to thank you all for 
                         coming.
 
                                     PRIEST 1
                          No, thank you for finally organizing 
                         an all-priests meeting, Father Maxi. 
                         I think we all agree something has to 
                         be done, quickly. 
 
                                     ELDERLY PRIEST
                         Well, I don't know how it's been for 
                         all of you, but attendance at my church 
                         in Fort Rawlins is down sixty-three 
                         precent! 
 
                                     PRIEST 2
                         I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf.
 
                         
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep 
                         going the way they are, we could lose 
                         our entire religion.
 
                                     ELDERLY PRIEST
                         Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from 
                         goin' to the public!
 
                                     FAT PRIEST
                         They've gotta know to keep their mouths 
                         shut!
 
                                     OTHER PRIESTS
                         That right, yeah.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Right, and so... wa- wait a minute. 
                         What?
 
                                     PRIEST 1
                         Yes, but we've got to find out why these 
                         children are suddenly finding it necessary 
                         to report that they're being molested. 
                         Stop the problem at its source.
 
                                     PRIEST 2
                         Yes, but how?

                                     PRIEST 3
                          Somethng has to be done.

                                     PRIEST 4
                         We've got to stop this-

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem 
                         is that children are being molested, 
                         not that they're reporting it! 
 
                                     ELDERLY PRIEST
                         How do you mean?

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Well, I mean, obviously, what we need 
                         to put a stop to is all the sexual misconduct 
                         that is allowed to take place in our 
                         churches, and not just tell the children 
                         not to tell anybody about it. I mean, 
                         right?
 
                                     PRIEST 1
                         Well did any of the children you've 
                         molested come forward?
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         No.

                                     PRIEST 1
                         Well, that's good.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         No, I mean! I've never molested any 
                         of the children in my church!
 
                                     ELDERLY PRIEST
                         Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all 
                         priests here; the doors are closed.
 
                         
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Oh for the love of God! Are you all 
                         saying that you've engaged in inappropriate 
                         relations with your altar boys? We are 
                         here to bring the light of God, not 
                         harm the innocent!  I'm serious!
 
                                     PRIEST 2
                         Father, uh, having sex with boys is 
                         part of the Catholic priest's way of 
                         life.
 
                                     OTHER PRIESTS
                         Yeah. 

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Dear God. This problem is much more 
                         severe than I could have possibly imagined. 
                         I have to go to the Vatican and get 
                         help.
 
               [South Park Elementary School, boys' bathroom, day. A group of 
               fourth-grade boys gather around a toilet as Cartman stands before 
               it trying to crap into it... with his mouth.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hold on!  God, let a man crap!

                                     CRAIG
                          What's going on?

                                     STAN
                         Cartman shoved food up his ass and now 
                         he's tryin' to crap out his mouth.
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         Oh. 

                                     KYLE
                         Well, go on, smartass, and do it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm doin' it already!! God, give me 
                         a minute!
 
                                     STAN
                         You've had five, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I can't-, I can't do it with you guys 
                         watching. Turn around.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No! Because you'll just crap out your 
                         butt and then say it came out of your 
                         mouth!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that 
                         deceitful, you guys?!  Ugh, goddamnit 
                         you guys, this si so seriously. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Get the fuck out of here!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out 
                         my mouth!  I crapped out my mo-outh! 
                          You owe me twenty bucks, dickface!
 
                         
               [Vatican City, Italy. Father Maxi has made it to St. Peter's 
               Square. He exits a taxi cab.]
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Well, there you go. Um, grazie.  Wow, 
                         I'm actually here. Vatican City! 
 
                         
                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from 
                         America. He has brought this all to 
                         our attention.
 
                                     FATHER MAXI
                          Your Holiness. 

                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         Adoramus te, Christe.

                                     OTHER CARDINALS
                         Et dominus...

                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         Cardinals, bishops, and priests, an 
                         American priest by the name of-a Maxi 
                         has brought to our attention the most 
                         troubling of news. All over his-a country 
                         there are reports of children being 
                         molested by men of the Chuch. If things 
                         continue this way, we'll never be able 
                         to have sex with young boys again! 
 
                         
                                     FATHER MAXI
                         That's right-wait. What?

                                     FRENCH CARDINAL
                         In France as well we are finding it 
                         harder and harder to... make love to 
                         our boys.
 
                                     MOROCCAN CARDINAL
                         In Morocco they have arrested five of 
                         my priests. It's only a matter of time 
                         before they get the rest of us.
 
                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         Father Maxi, what do you suggest we 
                         do to not get caught.
 
                                     FATHER MAXI
                         Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what 
                         we should do is not have sex with boys! 
                         
 
                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         It is not written anywhere in the Holy 
                         Document of Vatican Law that sex with-a 
                         boys is wrong..
 
                                     FATHER MAXI
                         Well, maybe we need to change the Holy 
                         Document of Vatican Law. 
 
                                     BRITISH CARDINAL
                         Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics, 
                         it is obvious that the priest doesn't 
                         realize that the Holy Document of Vatican 
                         Law can not be changed!
 
                                     THE CLERGY
                          Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah!
 
                         
                                     GELGAMEK CARDINAL
                         Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek 
                         Catholics, I believe we should move 
                         on to other solutions to this problem. 
                         
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Gelgameks?

               [Kyle's house, night. Cartman walks alone to the front door and 
               rings the doorbell. Kyle comes to answer it. He opens the door...]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, could you help me out? I need 
                         some advice. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's just that... I can't decide what 
                         to buy with your twenty dollars!  I 
                         was thinking of getting this mega-man 
                         racer for $19.95, or I could get two 
                         Broncos trading packs for ten apiece. 
                         And then I thought- 
 
               [Stan's house, dinnertime. Sharon brings out hanburgers from 
               the kitchen]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh boy, now that we're atheists we don't 
                         have to pray for our food.
 
                                     SHARON
                         That's right, everyone just dig in. 
                          So, kids,anything happen with your 
                         whole Sunday off?
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his 
                         ass and crapped out his mouth.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Stanley! 

                                     STAN
                         What? He did.

                                     RANDY
                         Noho, it doesn't work that way, son.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah it does.

                                     RANDY
                         No it doesn't.

                                     STAN
                          Yeah. It does. 

               [Stan's house, bedtime. Randy is in his pajamas kneeling before 
               the toilet. He's now trying to crap out his mouth. After much 
               effort, a log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet. 
               Randy is stunned]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Honey! Honey, come quick!

               [St. Peter's Square, day. Father Maxi is trying to get his point 
               across]
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Look, people! I'm just trying to say 
                         that if we don't change the Holy Document 
                         of Vatican Law, then we might lose everyone 
                         to atheism!
 
                                     FRENCH CARDINAL
                         What exactly do you suggest we change, 
                         Father Maxi.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Well, for one, no sex with boys. 

                                     ANOTHER CARDINAL
                         The Holy Document of Vatican Law states 
                         that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot 
                         get married, so where are we to get 
                         our sex?
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Uh well then, perhaps we could change 
                         the Holy Document of Vatican Law to 
                         say that... it's okay for a priest or 
                         bishop or cardinal to have sex... with 
                         women. 
 
                                     FRENCH CARDINAL
                         Women?

                                     GELGAMEK CARDINAL
                         The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide 
                         and filled with razor-sharp teeth. Do 
                         you really expect us to have sex with 
                         them?!
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Wuh- okay, m-maybe we just need to forget 
                         about the Gelgameks for a second and 
                         focus-
 
                                     GELGAMEK CARDINAL
                         What's that about the Gelgameks?! 
 
                         
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         I'm just saying, what works on planet 
                         Gelgamek isn't necessarily goin' ta 
                         work for the rest of us here, on Earth. 
                         You see? That's the problem we're having 
                         here.
 
                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         But-a the Holy Document of Vatican Law 
                         cannot be changed!
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Why not?!

                                     ANOTHER CARDINAL
                         Because we don't know where it is.
 
                         
                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         You see, Father, the Holy Document of 
                         Vatican Law has been hidden away deep 
                         in the Catacombs of-a St. Peter's below 
                         us. Hidden away so that it can never 
                         be changed.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         But if we locate it we can make changes 
                         to it?
 
                                     A BISHOP
                         HA! Good luck, father! The document 
                         is guarded by water lizards, rattle 
                         snakes and sand traps! The fools who 
                         have tried before to recover it met 
                         their deaths!
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Well we have to try. Our religion is 
                         dying!
 
               [Stan's house. He, Kyle, and Tweek watch television. The front 
               door closes off screen.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! You guys! Look! 

                                     TWEEK
                         Harrr!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I went down to the bank and got Kyle's 
                         twenty-dollar bill turned into twenty 
                         single-dollar bills.
 
                                     STAN
                         So?

                                     CARTMAN
                         So? So now I can do this!  Yeess! Yeess, 
                         Kyle's money! Mmmm, Kyle's money!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Go fuck yourself, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, it feels so good on my skin! Mmmm.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your 
                         ass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser. It's 
                         over, okay? I won. Let it go.
 
                                     KYLE
                         So you crapped out of your mouth! Good 
                         for you! It's still stupid and immature! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, look.

                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                          Our top story tonight, the age-old 
                         question has been answered: if I put 
                         food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth? 
                         All over the country, people are discovering 
                         that, yes, in fact, you will.  The sugeon-general 
                         had this to say:
 
                                     SURGEON-GENERAL
                         And the uh immediate research shows 
                         that the act is not only amusing, but 
                         in fact much healthier for out bodies 
                         than the old way of eating.  You see, 
                         food entering through the anus has the 
                         benefit of being broken down on its 
                         way to the stomach rather than afterward. 
                         And therefore I believe that interorectogestion 
                         would actually put a stop to high cholesterol 
                         and most kinds of stomach cancers. And 
                         I base that on absolutely nothing.
 
                         
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         The Surgeon-General's response has made 
                         Americans change their eating habits 
                         almost instantly.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          That's stupid and immature, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          It is stupid and immature! So you got 
                         people to crap out of their mouths! 
                         What do you want, a feakin' medal?!
 
                         
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         The Mayor of South Park has announced 
                         that for first discovering this healthy 
                         way of eating, young citizen  Eric Cartman 
                         will be given... a freaking medal.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

               [A kitchen set in a studio, day. An attractive woman is busy 
               preparing a dish on the stove]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Now, with more on "Martha Stewart's 
                         Living" .
 
                                     MARTHA STEWART
                         In the past few days we've all heard 
                         of the healthy benefits of interorectogestion, 
                         and so making food that can be inserted 
                         into the ass is essential.  Now, everyone 
                         knows that some foods are simple to 
                         shove up the ass - puddings, soups, 
                         raisins... this is a nice raisin pudding 
                         right here - but we can also still eat 
                         our favorite foods. What we're gonna 
                         do today is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey 
                         for interorecto.  Now, the key to shoving 
                         a turkey up your ass is first wrapping 
                         it in string, keeping the pointy wings 
                         neatly at the side. 
 
                                     FBI AGENT
                         Ms. Stewart, we have some questions.
 
                         
                                     MARTHA STEWART
                          Not right now, I just wanna focus on 
                         my turkey,  right now.  Now, we're going 
                         to baste the turkey with lubricating 
                         gel rather than with juice - this'll 
                         help smooth the insertion later on. 
                         We still bake at four hundred degrees 
                         for twenty minutes a pound.  When it's 
                         done we'll get something like this. 
                          So now we're ready to go. Looks delicious. 
                         Let's try it out.  Aaaaa-... Yeah, get 
                         it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh. 
                          Phew. And that is how you eat a turkey. 
                          We'll be right back with more. 
 
               [The Catacombs under St. Peter's Basilica. Father Maxi, with 
               torch in hand, walks down a hall past walls with writing on them. 
               He descends some stairs and crosses a large room, stopping at 
               a door behind which there is a brightly-lit room.]
 
                                     OLD MONK
                          Beoo!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Ahh, hello. Uh- My name is Father Maxi, 
                         from the United States.
 
                                     OLD MONK
                         What do you seek, Father?

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         I... I'm trying to find the Holy Document 
                         of Vatican Law. ...So that we can make 
                         revisions to it.
 
                                     OLD MONK
                         That Gospel...  lies somewhere beyond 
                         this door.  But... many troubles await 
                         thee inside! Only he whose heart truly 
                         belongs to the Lord shalla make it through.
 
                         
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         I have to try. Our religion is in trouble, 
                         and... and that scroll may be our only 
                         hope!
 
                                     OLD MONK
                         Then, prepare yourself. The time of 
                         trials begins.  Adoramus te, Christe! 
                          I wish you luck, Father. Use all the 
                         strength, agility, and faith that you 
                         have.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Very well. Here we go.  Hmmm, there's 
                         a ladder up here.  Oh my God, a rattlesnake! 
                          A way back up!  I've made it! Praise 
                         be to God! He hath shown me the way! 
                          This must be it. The Holy Document 
                         of Vatican Law. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, Sharon and I are havin' a great 
                         time bein' atheist. I for one can't 
                         believe I used to live my life by what 
                         a very old and very fictional book used 
                         to say. 
 
                                     LINDA STOTCH
                         Well it's true. I mean, what do a bunch 
                         of stories about people in robes slaughtering 
                         goats have to do with today's world?
 
                         
                                     RICHARD
                         Atheism has definitely made our lives 
                         better.
 
                                     SHARON
                          I made some quesadillas, if anybody 
                         wants some.
 
                                     ALL
                         Ooohh.

                                     SHARON
                         And if anybody needs to potty, there's 
                         a potty basket right here. 
 
                                     RICHARD
                         Oh thanks, Sharon.

                                     MAN
                         You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're 
                         worried we might have a hard time raising 
                         our son atheist. I mean-  whoa, thank 
                         you -I mean,  it could end up being 
                         very difficult raising an atheist child 
                         in such a Christian society.  I feel 
                         that everywhere my poor son goes he's 
                         being persecuted for his beliefs. 
 
                         
                                     RICHARD
                         That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son 
                         to be atheist, I don't want him saying 
                         "under God" every day at school. That 
                         could really damage him. "Under God" 
                         should be taken out of the- uh, 'scuse 
                         me.  Moowwaaagh.  "Under God" should 
                         be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          That's right, I agree.  And it should 
                         be taken off of money as well.  The 
                         religious right in this country is trying 
                         to force our children to believe what 
                         they bel-  Bwwaaaagh  And we can't let 
                         the religious right corrupt our kids.
 
                         
                                     ALL
                         That's right, that's right.

               [St. Peter's Basilica, day. ]

                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         Cardinals, bishops and priests! Father 
                         Maxi has returned! And he has the Holy 
                         Document of-a Vatican Law! 
 
                                     BRITISH CARDINAL
                         How did he make it past the water lizards?
 
                         
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Yes, I have returned with the Holy 
                         Document of Vatican Law, so can we PLEASE, 
                         change it now to say, "It's NOT okay 
                         to have sex with boys"? 
 
                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         Wait wait-a, the pope-a wants-a to say 
                         something.  The pope-a says we shall 
                         ask the highest source. 
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Oh my. 

                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         The holy one!  Behold the great Queen 
                         Spider! 
 
                                     THE CLERGY
                         Hail Queen Spider!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Queen spider?

                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         O great Queen Spider, we seek a-your 
                         guidance.
 
                                     QUEEN SPIDER
                         What do you ask of me?

                                     BRITISH CARDINAL
                         Great Queen Spider, we seek to change 
                         one of the Vatican rules.
 
                                     QUEEN SPIDER
                         The Vatican rules cannot be changed. 
                         So saith the Spider
 
                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         Go on, Priest Maxi. See if you can convince 
                         her.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Alright, that does it!!! I've had enough!!! 
                         You people have completely lost touch 
                         with the outside world! You sit in this 
                         big room with your Gelgameks and your 
                         Queen Spider, and none of it applies 
                         to what being a Catholic is all about!!
 
                         
                                     A BISHOP
                         But the Holy Document of Vatican Law 
                         states that-
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican 
                         Law!! 
 
               [South Park, day. The boys stand in front of Stan's house]

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys, you guys!  I took Kyle's 
                         twenty dollars down to the bank again, 
                         and I got it changed into quarters!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          So?

                                     CARTMAN
                         So now I can dump them into this little 
                         pool and swim in them all day long! 
                          Yeessss. Kyle's monneey. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Cartman, there's something I need to 
                         tell you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         O-hoo, what's that, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         You were totally, one hundred percent 
                         right.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh...  what?

                                     KYLE
                         You won the bet. You were totally accurate 
                         about being able to crap out your mouth, 
                         and I've just been frustrated because 
                         I didn't think of it first. I want you 
                         to enjoy that money because... you really 
                         impressed me with your insight and... 
                         I'm... proud to have you as a friend.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!! 
                         
 
                                     A MAN
                         Yeah, the pope is gone!

                                     RANDY
                         Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning 
                         down!
 
                                     LINDA STOTCH
                         Score one for us atheists

                                     RICHARD
                         Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it 
                         on TV! 
 
               [Vatican City, day. The clergy mill around in the ruins of the 
               Vatican.]
 
                                     ITALIAN CARDINAL
                         Gone! It's all gone!

                                     BRITISH CARDINAL
                         Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi. You've 
                         killed our religion.
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         No I didn't! All that's dead are your 
                         stupid laws and rules!  You've forgotten 
                         what being a Catholic is all about. 
                          This... book. You see, these are just 
                         stories.  Stories that are meant to 
                         help people in the right direction. 
                         Love your neighbor. Be a good person. 
                          That's it! And when you start turning 
                         the stories into literal translations 
                         of hierarchies and power, well... Well, 
                         you end up with this.  People are losing 
                         faith because they don't see how what 
                         you've turned the religion into applies 
                         to them! They've lost touch with any 
                         idea of any kind of religion, and when 
                         they have no mythology to try and live 
                         their lives by, well, they just start 
                         spewing a bunch of crap out of their 
                         mouths! 
 
                                     RICHARD
                          ...What was that last bit?

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic. 
                         But I'm a Catholic in the real world. 
                         In today's world! It's time for you 
                         all to do that, too. It is time... for 
                         change.
 
               [Stan's house, after the telecast]

                                     RANDY
                          He's right, Sharon. We don't have to 
                         believe every word of the Bible. They're 
                         just stories to help us to live by. 
                         We shouldn't toss away the lessons of 
                         the Bible just because some assholes 
                         in Italy screwed it up.
 
                                     SHARON
                         O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my 
                         butt anymore.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Gang, I think maybe we, owe God an apology.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Does this mean we have to go to church 
                         on Sundays again?
 
                                     RANDY
                         No. It means we get to, son. It means... 
                         we get to. 
 
               THE END

Red-Hot Catholic Love



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy