"RED-HOT CATHOLIC LOVE"
[South Park Catholic Church, day. Organ music plays. Inside,
Priest Maxi is at the pulpit speaking to the congregation]
Parents, it's that time of year again
when the bishops and priests from around
the country are organizing the Young
Men's Catholic Retreat. This year, we're
taking the boys on a weekend boat trip
to discuss Jesus's role as the Navigator
of our lives.
That sounds pretty fun.
A Catholic boat trip?
The Catholic Boat's gonna be headin'
on out today.
The Catholic Boat. Time to throw all of your cares away.
Get some hot Chrisitan action; it'll make you-
Waaah! Waaah! Uyah ahem. 'Scuse me.
[South Park Catholic Church, day. Mass ends and the congregants
go to their cars. A crowd gathers around Randy. The McCormicks
Look, I just don't think it's the best
idea to let our boys to go on a c-cruise
with the priests.
We can let them go, can we?
There's no way my son's going.
[A black SUV, nearby. Stan, Cartman and Tweek are in the back
seat. Cartman looks out the closed window.]
What are they talking about?
I don't know.
Maybe they wanna kill us.
[back to the crowd]
With everything that's been in the news,
I think it's best to keep our kids...
far away from the priests.
Now, come on, everybody, just because
a few priests in the country have been
corrupted doesn't mean that all priests
are child molesters.
Well, sure, that's easy for you to say;
your son's dead. But those of us with
alive children need to be sure that
Father Maxi's on the up-and-up.
I've heard about other towns bringing
in counselors that know how to find
things out from kids without really
telling them what's going on.
It couldn't hurt.
Uh, Sh-sh. Here he comes, here he comes.
Uh... Good-bye, everyone.
Alright, then, it's settled. Tomorrow
we'll find an outside counselor and...
find out the truth.
[Park County Community Center, next day. The boys are chattering
when a woman comes in and stands before them.]
Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and
I need to ask you a few questions about
your priest, okaaay?
Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi
is... nice? Or mean?
Okaaay, what words would you use to
describe your priest?
Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time,
ever try to put somethig in your butt?
Ih... in our... butt?
You don't need to be ashamed or embarassed.
Just, did he ever try to put anythig
in your butt?
...Like ...money? What?
You mean, like a goldfish?
No, no. Did he ever try to put anythig
that belonged to him in your butt?
[The Community Center, hallway. The parents wait for the counselor
to finish talking with the boys]
This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out
here waitin' to find out if our priest
molested our kids.
Yeah, what what has Catholicism come
You know, I think we've just had it
with the Church. All the horrible things
they've done to kids, I... I think I'm
gonna become an atheist!
That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an
Let's all be atheists!
Yeah, yeah, alright.
If there was a god, why would he let
our kids be molested in the first place?
Yeah, let's kill God, yeah!
Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists.
[South Park proper, on the curb. Stan, Cartman, and Tweek sit
and think about stuff...]
What would the priest ...possibly want
to put in our butts?
What are you guys doin'?
We had to go meet with this counselor
lady, and she asked us if the priest
every put anything in our butts.
In your butts?
Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?
Why would he puyt anything in your butts?
We don't know. We're- that's what we're
tryin' to figure out.
Hello there, children!
Chef! What would a priest want to stick
up my butt?
Rrrh. Nobody is going to tell us. This
is going to drive me insane!
Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a
Aw, dude, I think I might have it.
It makes perfect sense. Okay, w-work
with me on this: if you eat food, you
crap out yoru butt, right?
Alright, now keep working with me here,
it's getting a little complicated. If
you eat food and crap out yoru butt,
then maybe, if you stuck food in your
butt, you crap out your mouth. Hm?
Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've
ever said - this week!
What, that's not dumb. Think about it:
food goes in the mouth, comes out the
butt. Food goes in the butt, comes out
the mouth. That's not dumb, that's genius.
It wouldn't work!
Have you ever tried it?
I don't need to. It wouldn't work.
I bet you twenty buck it'll work!
You're on, fat boy!
Okay, let's go, Jew!
Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with
Stan, you're an atheist now!
You too, Tweek!
Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with
I'm a what??
[Diocesan headquarters, day. Sixteen priests are present in the
boardroom, with Fatherh Maxi presiding]
Fathers, I want to thank you all for
No, thank you for finally organizing
an all-priests meeting, Father Maxi.
I think we all agree something has to
be done, quickly.
Well, I don't know how it's been for
all of you, but attendance at my church
in Fort Rawlins is down sixty-three
I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf.
Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep
going the way they are, we could lose
our entire religion.
Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from
goin' to the public!
They've gotta know to keep their mouths
That right, yeah.
Right, and so... wa- wait a minute.
Yes, but we've got to find out why these
children are suddenly finding it necessary
to report that they're being molested.
Stop the problem at its source.
Yes, but how?
Somethng has to be done.
We've got to stop this-
Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem
is that children are being molested,
not that they're reporting it!
How do you mean?
Well, I mean, obviously, what we need
to put a stop to is all the sexual misconduct
that is allowed to take place in our
churches, and not just tell the children
not to tell anybody about it. I mean,
Well did any of the children you've
molested come forward?
Well, that's good.
No, I mean! I've never molested any
of the children in my church!
Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all
priests here; the doors are closed.
Oh for the love of God! Are you all
saying that you've engaged in inappropriate
relations with your altar boys? We are
here to bring the light of God, not
harm the innocent! I'm serious!
Father, uh, having sex with boys is
part of the Catholic priest's way of
Dear God. This problem is much more
severe than I could have possibly imagined.
I have to go to the Vatican and get
[South Park Elementary School, boys' bathroom, day. A group of
fourth-grade boys gather around a toilet as Cartman stands before
it trying to crap into it... with his mouth.]
Hold on! God, let a man crap!
What's going on?
Cartman shoved food up his ass and now
he's tryin' to crap out his mouth.
Well, go on, smartass, and do it!
I'm doin' it already!! God, give me
You've had five, dude!
I can't-, I can't do it with you guys
watching. Turn around.
No! Because you'll just crap out your
butt and then say it came out of your
Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that
deceitful, you guys?! Ugh, goddamnit
you guys, this si so seriously.
Get the fuck out of here!
Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out
my mouth! I crapped out my mo-outh!
You owe me twenty bucks, dickface!
[Vatican City, Italy. Father Maxi has made it to St. Peter's
Square. He exits a taxi cab.]
Well, there you go. Um, grazie. Wow,
I'm actually here. Vatican City!
Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from
America. He has brought this all to
Adoramus te, Christe.
Cardinals, bishops, and priests, an
American priest by the name of-a Maxi
has brought to our attention the most
troubling of news. All over his-a country
there are reports of children being
molested by men of the Chuch. If things
continue this way, we'll never be able
to have sex with young boys again!
That's right-wait. What?
In France as well we are finding it
harder and harder to... make love to
In Morocco they have arrested five of
my priests. It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us.
Father Maxi, what do you suggest we
do to not get caught.
Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what
we should do is not have sex with boys!
It is not written anywhere in the Holy
Document of Vatican Law that sex with-a
boys is wrong..
Well, maybe we need to change the Holy
Document of Vatican Law.
Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics,
it is obvious that the priest doesn't
realize that the Holy Document of Vatican
Law can not be changed!
Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah!
Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek
Catholics, I believe we should move
on to other solutions to this problem.
[Kyle's house, night. Cartman walks alone to the front door and
rings the doorbell. Kyle comes to answer it. He opens the door...]
Kyle, could you help me out? I need
It's just that... I can't decide what
to buy with your twenty dollars! I
was thinking of getting this mega-man
racer for $19.95, or I could get two
Broncos trading packs for ten apiece.
And then I thought-
[Stan's house, dinnertime. Sharon brings out hanburgers from
Oh boy, now that we're atheists we don't
have to pray for our food.
That's right, everyone just dig in.
So, kids,anything happen with your
whole Sunday off?
Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his
ass and crapped out his mouth.
What? He did.
Noho, it doesn't work that way, son.
Yeah it does.
No it doesn't.
Yeah. It does.
[Stan's house, bedtime. Randy is in his pajamas kneeling before
the toilet. He's now trying to crap out his mouth. After much
effort, a log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet.
Randy is stunned]
Honey! Honey, come quick!
[St. Peter's Square, day. Father Maxi is trying to get his point
Look, people! I'm just trying to say
that if we don't change the Holy Document
of Vatican Law, then we might lose everyone
What exactly do you suggest we change,
Well, for one, no sex with boys.
The Holy Document of Vatican Law states
that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot
get married, so where are we to get
Uh well then, perhaps we could change
the Holy Document of Vatican Law to
say that... it's okay for a priest or
bishop or cardinal to have sex... with
The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide
and filled with razor-sharp teeth. Do
you really expect us to have sex with
Wuh- okay, m-maybe we just need to forget
about the Gelgameks for a second and
What's that about the Gelgameks?!
I'm just saying, what works on planet
Gelgamek isn't necessarily goin' ta
work for the rest of us here, on Earth.
You see? That's the problem we're having
But-a the Holy Document of Vatican Law
cannot be changed!
Because we don't know where it is.
You see, Father, the Holy Document of
Vatican Law has been hidden away deep
in the Catacombs of-a St. Peter's below
us. Hidden away so that it can never
But if we locate it we can make changes
HA! Good luck, father! The document
is guarded by water lizards, rattle
snakes and sand traps! The fools who
have tried before to recover it met
Well we have to try. Our religion is
[Stan's house. He, Kyle, and Tweek watch television. The front
door closes off screen.]
You guys! You guys! Look!
I went down to the bank and got Kyle's
twenty-dollar bill turned into twenty
So? So now I can do this! Yeess! Yeess,
Kyle's money! Mmmm, Kyle's money!
Go fuck yourself, Cartman!
Oh, it feels so good on my skin! Mmmm.
Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your
Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser. It's
over, okay? I won. Let it go.
So you crapped out of your mouth! Good
for you! It's still stupid and immature!
Our top story tonight, the age-old
question has been answered: if I put
food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth?
All over the country, people are discovering
that, yes, in fact, you will. The sugeon-general
had this to say:
And the uh immediate research shows
that the act is not only amusing, but
in fact much healthier for out bodies
than the old way of eating. You see,
food entering through the anus has the
benefit of being broken down on its
way to the stomach rather than afterward.
And therefore I believe that interorectogestion
would actually put a stop to high cholesterol
and most kinds of stomach cancers. And
I base that on absolutely nothing.
The Surgeon-General's response has made
Americans change their eating habits
That's stupid and immature, Cartman!
It is stupid and immature! So you got
people to crap out of their mouths!
What do you want, a feakin' medal?!
The Mayor of South Park has announced
that for first discovering this healthy
way of eating, young citizen Eric Cartman
will be given... a freaking medal.
[A kitchen set in a studio, day. An attractive woman is busy
preparing a dish on the stove]
Now, with more on "Martha Stewart's
In the past few days we've all heard
of the healthy benefits of interorectogestion,
and so making food that can be inserted
into the ass is essential. Now, everyone
knows that some foods are simple to
shove up the ass - puddings, soups,
raisins... this is a nice raisin pudding
right here - but we can also still eat
our favorite foods. What we're gonna
do today is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey
for interorecto. Now, the key to shoving
a turkey up your ass is first wrapping
it in string, keeping the pointy wings
neatly at the side.
Ms. Stewart, we have some questions.
Not right now, I just wanna focus on
my turkey, right now. Now, we're going
to baste the turkey with lubricating
gel rather than with juice - this'll
help smooth the insertion later on.
We still bake at four hundred degrees
for twenty minutes a pound. When it's
done we'll get something like this.
So now we're ready to go. Looks delicious.
Let's try it out. Aaaaa-... Yeah, get
it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh.
Phew. And that is how you eat a turkey.
We'll be right back with more.
[The Catacombs under St. Peter's Basilica. Father Maxi, with
torch in hand, walks down a hall past walls with writing on them.
He descends some stairs and crosses a large room, stopping at
a door behind which there is a brightly-lit room.]
Ahh, hello. Uh- My name is Father Maxi,
from the United States.
What do you seek, Father?
I... I'm trying to find the Holy Document
of Vatican Law. ...So that we can make
revisions to it.
That Gospel... lies somewhere beyond
this door. But... many troubles await
thee inside! Only he whose heart truly
belongs to the Lord shalla make it through.
I have to try. Our religion is in trouble,
and... and that scroll may be our only
Then, prepare yourself. The time of
trials begins. Adoramus te, Christe!
I wish you luck, Father. Use all the
strength, agility, and faith that you
Very well. Here we go. Hmmm, there's
a ladder up here. Oh my God, a rattlesnake!
A way back up! I've made it! Praise
be to God! He hath shown me the way!
This must be it. The Holy Document
of Vatican Law.
Well, Sharon and I are havin' a great
time bein' atheist. I for one can't
believe I used to live my life by what
a very old and very fictional book used
Well it's true. I mean, what do a bunch
of stories about people in robes slaughtering
goats have to do with today's world?
Atheism has definitely made our lives
I made some quesadillas, if anybody
And if anybody needs to potty, there's
a potty basket right here.
Oh thanks, Sharon.
You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're
worried we might have a hard time raising
our son atheist. I mean- whoa, thank
you -I mean, it could end up being
very difficult raising an atheist child
in such a Christian society. I feel
that everywhere my poor son goes he's
being persecuted for his beliefs.
That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son
to be atheist, I don't want him saying
"under God" every day at school. That
could really damage him. "Under God"
should be taken out of the- uh, 'scuse
me. Moowwaaagh. "Under God" should
be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
That's right, I agree. And it should
be taken off of money as well. The
religious right in this country is trying
to force our children to believe what
they bel- Bwwaaaagh And we can't let
the religious right corrupt our kids.
That's right, that's right.
[St. Peter's Basilica, day. ]
Cardinals, bishops and priests! Father
Maxi has returned! And he has the Holy
Document of-a Vatican Law!
How did he make it past the water lizards?
Yes, I have returned with the Holy
Document of Vatican Law, so can we PLEASE,
change it now to say, "It's NOT okay
to have sex with boys"?
Wait wait-a, the pope-a wants-a to say
something. The pope-a says we shall
ask the highest source.
The holy one! Behold the great Queen
Hail Queen Spider!
O great Queen Spider, we seek a-your
What do you ask of me?
Great Queen Spider, we seek to change
one of the Vatican rules.
The Vatican rules cannot be changed.
So saith the Spider
Go on, Priest Maxi. See if you can convince
Alright, that does it!!! I've had enough!!!
You people have completely lost touch
with the outside world! You sit in this
big room with your Gelgameks and your
Queen Spider, and none of it applies
to what being a Catholic is all about!!
But the Holy Document of Vatican Law
To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican
[South Park, day. The boys stand in front of Stan's house]
You guys, you guys! I took Kyle's
twenty dollars down to the bank again,
and I got it changed into quarters!
So now I can dump them into this little
pool and swim in them all day long!
Yeessss. Kyle's monneey.
Cartman, there's something I need to
O-hoo, what's that, Kyle?
You were totally, one hundred percent
You won the bet. You were totally accurate
about being able to crap out your mouth,
and I've just been frustrated because
I didn't think of it first. I want you
to enjoy that money because... you really
impressed me with your insight and...
I'm... proud to have you as a friend.
You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!!
Yeah, the pope is gone!
Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning
Score one for us atheists
Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it
[Vatican City, day. The clergy mill around in the ruins of the
Gone! It's all gone!
Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi. You've
killed our religion.
No I didn't! All that's dead are your
stupid laws and rules! You've forgotten
what being a Catholic is all about.
This... book. You see, these are just
stories. Stories that are meant to
help people in the right direction.
Love your neighbor. Be a good person.
That's it! And when you start turning
the stories into literal translations
of hierarchies and power, well... Well,
you end up with this. People are losing
faith because they don't see how what
you've turned the religion into applies
to them! They've lost touch with any
idea of any kind of religion, and when
they have no mythology to try and live
their lives by, well, they just start
spewing a bunch of crap out of their
...What was that last bit?
Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic.
But I'm a Catholic in the real world.
In today's world! It's time for you
all to do that, too. It is time... for
[Stan's house, after the telecast]
He's right, Sharon. We don't have to
believe every word of the Bible. They're
just stories to help us to live by.
We shouldn't toss away the lessons of
the Bible just because some assholes
in Italy screwed it up.
O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my
Gang, I think maybe we, owe God an apology.
Does this mean we have to go to church
on Sundays again?
No. It means we get to, son. It means...
we get to.
Red-Hot Catholic Love
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy