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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 707


                                  "RED MAN'S GREED"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Three Feathers Casino, night. People flock in. The building 
               is massive, the front entrance is prefaced with a long pool with 
               water jets shooting water into the air. The interior is shown, 
               with its slot machines and milling crowds. The boys enter with 
               the Marshes and the Broflovskis. Randy and Gerald carry cigars 
               in their hands]
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, Indians have it good, huh?

                                     RANDY
                         Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans, 
                         remember? Show some respect.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          All right, let's go! 

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Halt.  I am afraid minors cannot go 
                         onto the casino floor.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see 
                         a shovel in my hand?!
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         You kids can enjoy our Native American 
                         Comedy Club.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         All right, we're gonna hit the tables. 
                         Why don't you kids run along to the 
                         comedy club? 
 
                                     RANDY
                         All right, time to win some money!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh yeah! blackjack table!

                                     BLACKJACK DEALER
                         Welcome to the blackjack table. May 
                         luck run through you, like the spirit 
                         of the buffalo.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Relax, sweetie  I know how to count 
                         cards.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well I don't wanna play here!

                                     SHARON
                         Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the 
                         nickle slots.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oooo, the nickle slots! You might win 
                         the thirty-dollar jackpot! Ahh, women, 
                         huh? God I hate 'em. 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         All right, time to show these people 
                         how to gamble!
 
               [An entrance is shown - The Laughing Coyote Comedy Lodge, then 
               the interior of the lodge itself. A Native American drummer sits 
               on stage.]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy 
                         Club. Please put your hands together 
                         for Johnny Manymoons! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What is Native American comedy, anyway?
 
                         
                                     MANYMOONS
                          Thank you, thank you. Bear walked into 
                         a bar. Bear said to Deer, "May I please... 
                         have a drink?" And so Deer said to Bear, 
                         "Why the big paws?" 
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                         Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! 
                         Ha ha ha ha! 
 
                                     MANYMOONS
                         Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked 
                         up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, "I 
                         am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell 
                         at him for me?" Coyote said to Pony, 
                         "Why can you not yell yourself?" And 
                         Pony replied, "Because I am a little 
                         horse." 
 
                                     AUDIENCE
                         Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

               [The blackjack table. Gerald sits alone fiddling with some chips. 
               Randy returns from somewhere with a cup of coins]
 
                                     RANDY
                         How's it goin', Gerald?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Ohh, not so good.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down 
                         three hundred bucks.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, well, maybe we should- ...wait. 
                         Twenty-six thousand dollars??
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling 
                         problem.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Gerald, twenty-six thousand-!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Sshhhh! I have to win it back before 
                         Sheila finds out!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Where did you get that kind of money??
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         The casino gave me credit! I put the 
                         house up as collateral! But I still 
                         have this ten-dollar chip.
 
                                     BLACKJACK DEALER
                         Dealer, twenty one.  Sorry.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          That's it. I'm destitute.  Loan me 
                         money! You've gotta have money in the 
                         cup!  Wha- what's in the cup?
 
                                     RANDY
                          Just six quarters!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Oh God. Oh Jesus.

                                     BLACKJACK DEALER
                         Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. 
                         May your life be filled with the song 
                         of the sparrow.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up 
                         your ass!
 
               [Three Bears Casino, sometime later. Randy and Gerald sit on 
               a bench next to some slot machines. Gerald's head hangs low]
 
               
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         How am I going to tell my family?  How 
                         do I tell them that tomorrow, we have 
                         to ...pack up our things and ...get 
                         out of the house? 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         There's daddy!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Oh, Jesus. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Where have you guys been? We've been 
                         looking all over.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. 
                         I wanna go.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          What, What did you say?

                                     KYLE
                         I said I wanna leave.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Oh, you wanna leave, huh?! Okay, fine, 
                         Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack 
                         up our things, load them in the car, 
                         and we'll leave! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?? No, no, I mean, I-

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         No, no, no, if you wanna leave South 
                         Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Gerald, what are you talking about?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants 
                         to leave! Our nice old house doesn't 
                         interest Kyle anymore! Well I'm callig 
                         the moving company right now! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, you shouldn't be such a dick, 
                         dude. 
 
                                     SHARON
                          What's wrong with Gerald?

                                     RANDY
                         He... he lost his house to the Native 
                         Americans.
 
                                     SHARON
                         What?? But don't the Native Americans 
                         know he has nowhere else to go?
 
                                     RANDY
                         They don't care. 

               [The casino office. Chief Runs with Premise looks out over the 
               floor]
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring 
                         their life-savings away!
 
                                     ELDER 1
                         Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea 
                         from the buffalo.
 
                                     ELDER 2
                          Yes, but we have milked this simple 
                         mountain folk almost dry. If we really 
                         want to see cash flow, we need to bring 
                         in city people from Denver.
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                          Yeessss. It is time for us to implement 
                         our plan.  A superhighway, built from 
                         Denver right to our casino!
 
                                     AIDE 1
                         And what do we do about the small town 
                         of South Park that lies in the highway's 
                         way?
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                          Simple. We buy it, and we demolish 
                         it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
 
                                     ELDERS
                         Ha ha ha ha!

               [South Park Elementary, next day. A town meeting is being held 
               in the gym. Mayor McDaniels sits at a table with four aides, 
               two on either side of her.]
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         And that's really all I can tell you. 
                         The town of South Park is going to be 
                         leveled, in order to make way for a 
                         twelve-lane superhighway.
 
                                     RANDY
                          But how can they do that?!

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         The Native Americans have purchased 
                         the land from under us. Tomorrow, they're 
                         buying the last of what they need to 
                         have complete ownership.
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Well can't we stop them? Let's call 
                         the bank.
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         The Native Americans bought the bank.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh my God.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The 
                         Native Americans are offering you retail 
                         values on your homes.
 
                                     RANDY
                         No, screw that! We'll just pool our 
                         money together and buy the town ourselves! 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                          Yeah! Let the South Park people own 
                         South Park! 
 
                                     RANDY
                         How much do we have to raise, Mayor?
 
                         
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Three hundred thousand dollars. 

                                     RANDY
                         Ohhh, never mind. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         How can they do that, huh? How can they 
                         make us all move away?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Native Americans. 

                                     STAN
                         Our whole town, gone. We'd had such 
                         great times here. 
 
               Zombies destroy the town as the boys walk through in their Halloween 
               costumes 
 
               Trapper Keeper grabs a phone booth as it reaches mammoth dimensions 
               
 
               The townsfolk fight the mutant turkeys 

               Christopher Reeve throws a truck at some people, and they dive 
               out of the way. 
 
               The giant fireworks snake demolishes the town 

               The Geldon causes havoc on the Drew Carey Show as the Knights 
               of Standards and Practices watch 
 
               The pirate ghost ship fires off a cannon shot and the townsfolk 
               dive out of the way. Some of them are killed on impact. 
 
               The pro-war and anti-war factions fight over the Iraq war. 
 
               
               The town reenacts the Civil War 

               Mr. Hankey summons up massive amounts of crap in order to get 
               rid of the Hollywood gliterati 
 
               Mecha-Streisand fights off Ultura Marutin and Megara Poatia]
 
               
               [stops reminiscing, turns around, and walks back to the boys] 
               We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop 
               those Native Americans!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Yeah!

                                     ALEX
                         Yeah, this is our town!

                                     STAN
                         We shouldn't have to make a bunch of 
                         new friends somewhere else. We're a 
                         team!
 
                                     KYLE, BUTTERS, TWEEK
                         Yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, ahh, that's right!

                                     ALEX
                         Yeah, we're a team!

                                     STAN
                         We just gotta figure out a way to raise 
                         three hundred thousand dollars! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys! 
                         We can get Kyle infected with AIDS! 
                         And then start a charity organization 
                         that we steal money from! Come on, let's 
                         go!  No? We can't give Kyle AIDS?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We need somethng that'll get us money 
                         tomorrow!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, I know! How about a dog parade? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dog parade?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little 
                         outfits, and parade them down the street. 
                          It'll be so adorable!
 
                                     KYLE
                         How do we make three hundred thousand 
                         dollars doing that?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh... Uh well, we could sell tickets 
                         to our moms and dads.
 
                                     STAN
                         Our moms and dads are the ones who need 
                         money, Butters!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh... 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a 
                         little better now.
 
               [South Park, later on, day. The Broflovski house is shown, and 
               a massive bulldozer rolls up to knock it down. A large chunk 
               of it is torn off by the scoop.]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch!

                                     RANDY
                          How can you do this to people?

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         We're sorry. But if we do not build 
                         a superhighway, our casino might stop 
                         seeing profits.
 
                                     RANDY
                         There's more to life than profits!
 
                         
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Well like what?

                                     RANDY
                         Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff. 
                         
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Well, come on, honey, I guess we should 
                         start packing up our things as well.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah.  So long, South Park.

                                     STAN
                         Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could 
                         raise three hundred thousand dollars!
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         A dog parade? 

                                     STAN
                         No!

                                     RANDY
                         Stan, we've all tried to raise money, 
                         but we only raise ten thousand dollars, 
                         and the deadline is tomorrow.
 
                                     STAN
                         I know. So how about we take the ten 
                         thousand dollars back to the Indian 
                         casino? Tell them, Kyle!
 
                                     KYLE
                          The odds on a single number in roulette 
                         are thirty-five to one.  That means, 
                         with a ten thousand dollar bet, you 
                         win three hundred and fifty thousand.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Boys, that's ridiculous.

                                     STAN
                         Look, we, we've got nothing to lose.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         What do you guys think?

                                     JIMBO
                         It's a long shot.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah.  But it's the only shot we've 
                         got to save our town.
 
               [Three Feathers Casino, that night. The townsfolk are there once 
               more]
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                          The residents of South Park had hoped 
                         to raise three hundred thousand dollars. 
                         but in the end managed to raise only 
                         ten. The loss of their town may be imminent 
                         for the poor people of South Park.  
                         Awww, I think I'm going to cuwhy.
 
                         
                                     TWO ELDERS
                         HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha!

               [The doors open and the townsfolk surge in. Randy carries a large 
               amount of yellow chips]
 
                                     RANDY
                         All right, boys. You're gonna have to 
                         wait here. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad.  Good luck.

                                     RANDY
                         It's in God's hand now.  Stand aside, 
                         everyone! 
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         What are they doing?

                                     RANDY
                         We're gonna try and beat you at your 
                         own game, Chief Runs With Premise! Ten 
                         thousand dollars!  On thirty one black! 
                         
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Impossible!

                                     STAN
                          Come on! Come on! 

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Thirty one. Black. 

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it! 
                         We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing!
 
                         
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         No... NOOO! 

                                     ALEX
                         South Park is saved. 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         We have plenty enough to save our town 
                         now!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah! But wait.  Three hundred and fifty 
                         thousand dollars. That means if we won 
                         again, it will be twelve and a quarter 
                         million! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         We can save the town and be super-rich!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Oh hell yeah! Let it ride!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Let it ride!!

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Woohoo! Yeah! 

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell are they doing??

                                     JIMBO
                         Let's go thirty one! Let's see it! 
 
                         
                                     ROULETTE DEALER
                         Two, red. You lose.

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         AWWWWWWW!!

                                     RANDY
                         Damnit!

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                          Hmmm! 

                                     STAN
                         Theh, they had it! They freakin' had 
                         it!
 
               [The road. The Marshes drive home in their car, a much nicer 
               one than the one they had once. Randy drives, Sharon sits on 
               the passanger side. Stan sits between Shelley and Grandpa in 
               the back seat.]
 
                                     STAN
                         You totally had it! You had enough to 
                         save the town and then some.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stan? Okay? You just don't understand 
                         the fine points of gambling. You're 
                         never supposed to stop when you're on 
                         a winning streak.
 
                                     STAN
                         A winning streak??!! You played one 
                         game!!!!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stan? Okay?

                                     STAN
                         What???

                                     RANDY
                         All right? Stan? Okay?

                                     STAN
                         You people just got greedy, like the 
                         Native Americans! 
 
                                     RANDY
                          Hey, mister!! We're not like them, 
                         all right?!  Now, we may have pie in 
                         the sky dreams once in a while, but 
                         we aren't the ones kicking people out 
                         of their homes! So don't you compare 
                         us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, 
                         evil stinky Indians!  I'm sorry, Native 
                         Americans.
 
               [South Park, next day. A "SOLD" sign is placed above the town 
               sign, indicating that the town, indeed, has been sold. At South 
               Park Elementary, the residents stand in long lines waiting for 
               the checks being offered for their homes]
 
                                     ELDER 2
                          There you are, sir. There's the check 
                         for your home. Just sign here, and here.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're 
                         officially homeless.
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                          Jezuth! Jezuth Chrith!

                                     STAN
                          Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take 
                         their dirty money! 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, we don't have a choice. The 
                         Native Americans own South Park now. 
                         We have to take what they'll give us 
                         for our homes.
 
                                     ELDER 3
                         There you go. Have a nice day. 

                                     STAN
                          Come on, you guys! This is our town!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         It's over, Stanley. What else can we 
                         do?
 
                                     STAN
                         We can stay. And fight.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! When the Indians come to tear 
                         up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     ALEX
                         Yeah! They don't own our town! We do!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand 
                         economics.
 
                                     RANDY
                         It'll be okay, boys, we'll just... move 
                         to the next town over.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh sure. Until the Native Americans 
                         decide they want that land, too! What 
                         if the Native Americans just keep building 
                         their casinos and their highways uh, 
                         until we have nowhere else to go?? We 
                         have to stand up to them now!  Rrrgh! 
                         Forget it! Come on, you guys! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies! 
                         
 
               [South Park, day. Moments later, a train of bulldozers roll down 
               into town. Runs with Premise, riding on the lead bulldozer, looks 
               happy until he sees the boys standing abreast on the street, 
               blocking the way]
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Get out of our way!

                                     STAN
                         No! We won't let you destroy our town!
 
                         
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Boys. It isn't your town anymore.

                                     STAN
                         Just because you have a piece of paper 
                         saying you own it doesn't make it yours. 
                         We grew up here. Our parents grew up 
                         here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and 
                         eat at that Chilis. We take fish from 
                         the streams and bread them and freeze 
                         them to make fish sticks. This is not 
                         just a town, it is our way of life.
 
                         
                                     ELDER 1
                         Well your way of life is about to change, 
                         little boys. Now move! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         You can't just roll into places and 
                         take people's lives away!
 
                                     A DRIVER
                         And what are four little boys going 
                         to do to stop us, huh? 
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         We are strong

               No one can tell us we're wrong [Stan looks behind him, smiles, 
               then looks up to his left. People now appear on the roofs of 
               the buildings as well as on the street.]
 
               Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong [Stan looks at 
               the roofs on the other side of the street, smiling.]
 
               Both of us knowing... [The boys grin]

               Love Is A Battlefield

                                     STAN
                         This land is not for sale.

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Damnit! I thought you said they were 
                         dealt with!
 
                                     ELDER 1
                         They were!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your 
                         filthy bastard Indian money!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Filthy bastard Native American money!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that.
 
                         
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         This isn't over! 

                                     JIMBO
                         We'll never give up! You bastards!
 
                         
                                     ALEX
                         Yeah! South Park is ours.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't 
                         just stand here and block their way 
                         forever.
 
                                     RANDY
                         We can stand here as long as it takes. 
                         
 
               [Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise looks 
               over the casino floor from his office]
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         What is the state of our people?

                                     ELDER 2
                         Last nignt I spoke with the spirit of 
                         the bear, and Bear said that if we do 
                         not build our highway soon, our investors 
                         may soon sell off their shares of the 
                         new casino.
 
                                     ELDER 1
                         Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared 
                         market loss on the revenue of the new 
                         casino drops fiftenn percent every day.
 
                         
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Then we must force the South Park people 
                         off their petty land.
 
                                     ELDER 1
                         But they are determined and proud. And 
                         the spirit of the wind has stated that 
                         if we use force, it could be a publicity 
                         nightmare, further hurting our net assets.
 
                         
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         I already have a plan how we can force 
                         them off our land... sneakily.  We're 
                         going to give them...  blankets. 
 
                         
                                     ELDER 1
                         Blankets?

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Yes. We will present the blankets as 
                         a peace offering. But what the round-eyes 
                         will not know is that the blankets are 
                         infected with SARS.  They will all get 
                         SARS! And then SARS will run through 
                         their town like a buffalo. Now I need 
                         your help getting the SARS onto the 
                         blankets.  Okay, bring them in!  Let's 
                         see how South Park deals with this! 
                          Everyone grab a Chinese person and 
                         rub them on a blanket.  Make sure you 
                         rub them all over. Get the SARS nice 
                         and deep in there. 
 
               [South Park, next day. The deadline has arrived]

                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park, 
                         Colorado, where the residents are entering 
                         the third day of their sit-in to try 
                         and stop Native Americans from building 
                         a superhighway through their town. The 
                         temperature is low, but spirits are 
                         pretty low, too. 
 
                                     RANDY
                          What do they want?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         We're not moving, assfaces!

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                          Free blanket?  Though I know we have 
                         differences, we believe a compromise 
                         can be reached. In the meantime, it 
                         hurts us to see you all on television 
                         sitting in the cold. Will you not take 
                         this offering as a gesture of goodwill?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You had me at "free blanket." 

                                     ELDERS
                         Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket...
 
                         
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans 
                         are handing out blankets as a sign of 
                         goodwill towards the South Park people. 
                         What an incredible display of compassion. 
                         I certainly hope there's nothing sinister 
                         behind it.
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                          Please. As a token of good faith.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         You... understand if I'm a little wary 
                         of trusting you.
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Well, thanks. 

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Oh. You're welcome.

               [South Park, day, later. People are anywhere from asleep to sick.]
 
               
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                          Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and 
                         the outbreak of SARS in South Park has 
                         reached epic proportions.  The entire 
                         town has been quarantined by the federal 
                         government, nobody allowed in our out, 
                         which means, nobody can come to our 
                         aid.  It appears this town, and this 
                         reporter, are done for. Coming up next, 
                         choosing the right hair conditioner. 
                         What you don't know about hair care 
                         products could be costing you a bundle.
 
                         
               [Randy has taken ill and now lies under a lean-to. Sharon sits 
               on one side of the lean-to, Shelley on the other. Stan walks 
               up to his dad with a can of beer in his hand. Randy coughs]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         It's all right, dad.

                                     RANDY
                         How's your... mother?

                                     STAN
                          She's hanging in there.  Here, drink 
                         some beer. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         It's cool on my tongue.

                                     STAN
                         You're gonna be all right.

                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. 
                         There's only a ninety-eight percent 
                         chance that I will live.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, Dad, NO.

                                     RANDY
                         Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our 
                         people. The Native Americans put it 
                         in the blankets they gave us.  Soon 
                         there will be only ninety-eight percent 
                         of us left. 
 
                                     STAN
                         What can I do?

                                     RANDY
                         You... must find a cure for SARS, son. 
                         And save our people.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus!

                                     RANDY
                         The spirit of middle-class white people 
                         is strong in you, son. Seek out the 
                         wise man in Bellocreek. Now go. GO! 
                         
 
               [Bellocreek Trailer Park. Stan approaches it and enters. He walks 
               up to a trailer and knocks on the door.]
 
                                     WISE MAN
                          What?

                                     STAN
                         Hey, my name's Stan, and I was-

                                     WISE MAN
                         Your coming was foretold to me. You've 
                         come to save our people. Come in.  Watch 
                         the cats.
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS?
 
                         
                                     WISE MAN
                         Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit 
                         down.  You must find the answer yourself, 
                         by taking an inward journey. 
 
                                     STAN
                         An inward journey? That sounds kind 
                         of gay.
 
                                     WISE MAN
                         Let the voices of our ancestors show 
                         you the way.  Breathe. Breathe from 
                         the bag of visions. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Ah! Oh, dude!

               [Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise holds 
               a meetingn in his second-story office.]
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         How much longer must we wait for our 
                         superhighway??
 
                                     ELDER 1
                         SARS has spread through the entire town 
                         of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise. 
                         Their wills will break soon.
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Then I suppose we must be patient.
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Runs with Premise, come quickly!

                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         What is the matter, wife?

                                     WOMAN
                         It is our son, Premise Running Thin. 
                         He is very sick.
 
               [Premise Running Thin's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing a headband 
               with a feather attached to it. His parents approach]
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Premise Running Thin, what is the matter?
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         He, he shared a cup with one of the 
                         people from China. He has SARS!
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         No! I told you not to touch them!

                                     PREMISE RUNNING THIN
                         Papa. Papa...

                                     MEDICINE MAN
                          I have given him herbs from the desert 
                         plant and water from the cactus of life. 
                         But nothing seems to be working.
 
                                     PREMISE RUNNING THIN
                         This would never have happened if those 
                         townspeople would have just moved away! 
                         No more waiting around! Tomorrow we 
                         begin the final stage of our plan! Shock 
                         and Awe!
 
               [South Park, next day. The townspeople are still sick. Stan runs 
               up to Randy.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad! Dad!

                                     RANDY
                         Stanley. Did you have an inward journey 
                         with the old man? Did you have a vision??
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I, 
                         I saw something, someone spoke to me 
                         and... told me the middle-class white 
                         way to cure SARS.  Campbell's Chicken 
                         Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan, 
                         we must give it to everyone! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Boy, that really did the trick, Stan. 
                         I thought we were kind of, sort of, 
                         not really done for.
 
                                     ALEX
                         Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan. 
                         
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested 
                         bodies off the Earth!  What the?  Wait 
                         a minute.  Stop! Stop!  Your, your SARS. 
                         Where did it go?
 
                                     RANDY
                         We have cured ourselves using the medicines 
                         of our culture.
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         My son... Premise Running Thin has the 
                         SARS as well.  You... you can cure him?
 
                         
               [Three Feathers Casino, upstairs. Premise Running Thin sits in 
               bed sipping his soup. A can of Sprite and some Dayquil are on 
               his tray. Around his bed are the Three Feathers tribe on one 
               side, the South Park residents on the other]
 
                                     ELDER 1
                         It is amazing. All our plants and herbs 
                         failed to heal him, but your people's 
                         remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo 
                         back into his heart. Perhaps there are 
                         many things we can learn from your way 
                         of life.
 
                                     RANDY
                         We're a simple people. All we want is 
                         to be allowed to live our lives.
 
                                     RUNS WITH PREMISE
                         You have cured Premise Running Thin. 
                         In return, I shall give you all five 
                         dollars credit at the casino.  All right, 
                         all right, I will not build a superhighway 
                         through your town. And you can all have 
                         your homes back.
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         All right! Yeah!  Woohoo!

                                     ALEX
                         Well, I guess we all learned that South 
                         Park is more than just a town. It's 
                         a community that nobody can split up. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, who the hell are you?

                                     ALEX
                         Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and 
                         do the guest voice thingy.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?! Get the hell out of here!

                                     ALEX
                         Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe!

               THE END

Red Man's Greed



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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