"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 617
"RED SLEIGH DOWN"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Cartman's house, day. In his room, Cartman has Kyle's cousin
Kyle tally up his good and bad deeds to see where he will end
up this year. Cousin Kyle is seated at Cartman's desk with piles
of paper to go through and an adding machine to keep it all current.]
COUSIN KYLE
Av-a-a-alright, I'm done.
CARTMAN
You're done?
COUSIN KYLE
Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times
you've been naughty and deducted the
times you've been nice.
CARTMAN
Yeah, so how's it look?
COUSIN KYLE
It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't
look good.
CARTMAN
But I'll still be getting presents this
year, right?
COUSIN KYLE
a-a-aactually it looks like you're gonna
owe Santa three hundred and six presents.
CARTMAN
What?!
COUSIN KYLE
Four thousand three hundred and twelve
instances of being naughty against three
deductions of being nice, is is, is
bad.
CARTMAN
Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice
invoices! Look look! What about this
one?
COUSIN KYLE
Yes, wa-a-I didn't think "hitting Clyde
in the balls with slingshot" really
counted as nice.
CARTMAN
It was nice for Token; he laughed for
like 20 minutes.
COUSIN KYLE
Ye you can't deduct things like that,
Eric. Santa will know and then he'll
come after you.
CARTMAN
God-damnit I have to get that Haibo
robot doll, you sonofabitch!
COUSIN KYLE
Hey hey, I'm just your naughty-and-nice
accoutant! Don't blame me for the numbers!
CARTMAN
Haven't you seen the Haibo doll? It's
like a pet, a robot pet. You have to
feed it and pet it or else it dies,
and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa
has to bring me one!
COUSIN KYLE
But what, look, aren't there any other
nice things you've done recently we
can write off here?
CARTMAN
Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last night!
COUSIN KYLE
Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty
or nice... Eric, it just, it falls more
into the category of... brushing your
teeth.
CARTMAN
Well there's still time before Christmas!
Can't I still make up for it?
COUSIN KYLE
If you cure cancer... and AIDS next
week, you would still owe two presents.
CARTMAN
Jesus Christ!
COUSIN KYLE
Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find
a way to do... the nicest, greaatest
thing anyone has ever done. Ever.
[South Park city hall, outside, night. A decorated Christmas
tree stands at one side of the entrance as the Mayor stands at
the dais]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Good evening, everyone. In a moment
we'll be lighting the South Park Christmas
Tree to kick off the holidays!
TOWNSFOLK
Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!
Christmas Tree!
CARTMAN
Hi guys! Very Merry Christmas. God
bless one, everyone!
KYLE
What are you doing, Cartman?
CARTMAN
I'm just letting you know how special
you are to me.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
But now, before we light the tree, I
think we should all reflect for a moment
on those who are less fortunate than
us. Right now in Iraq there are children
who fear us and what we might do to
their country. The threat of war touches
us all, but over in Iraq, their is no
Christmas. They have nothing.
JIMBO
Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas
for her own political agenda. Light
the damn tree!
TOWNSFOLK
YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!
CARTMAN
You guys, that's it!
KYLE
What's it?
CARTMAN
Don't you see? This time of year we
should be bringing Christmas to the
less fortunate! Follow me! You guys,
come on! Right now!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Ahalright, here to light the Christmas
Tree is a very special young man who
shows us all the true meaning of Christmas.
Jimmy.
JIMMY
Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank
you for giving me this great honor,
Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree,
I was wondering if I could sing... my
favorite ...Christmas song, real quick.
TOWNSFOLK
Awww
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't
we, folks?
TOWNSFOLK
Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas
songs!
JIMMY
Alright, h-here it goes. On the first
day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my
tr... t-tru-true love g-geh... g-g-geh...
gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m...
me... a pa... a pa... pah...
MR. GARRISON
Oh no.
[Cartman's house, night. Cartman is rushing out of his house
with all sorts of presents. Stan and Kyle just stand there looking
at him run around.]
CARTMAN
...and here's some old toys that I
don't need anymore. And here! Here's
some Christmas cookies! And some holly
and mistletoe! Oh, this'll the happiest
Christmas the Middle East has ever seen!
Guys, get those lights down from the
door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis,
too.
STAN
Cartman, why are you doing this?
CARTMAN
They don't have Christmas there, guys.
We have to give it to them.
KYLE
That's a retarded idea that won't work.
Why are you really doing this?
A VOICE
Hoooowwwwdy ho!
KYLE
Mr. Hankey!
CARTMAN
Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo.
Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas
to you!
MR. HANKEY
Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy
out here. What are you boys doin'?
KYLE
Cartman is trying to bring Christmas
to Iraq.
CARTMAN
The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas
just like everyone else.
MR. HANKEY
Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really
have the Christmas spirit! I know someone
who can help. Santa Claus!
CARTMAN
Really?
STAN, KYLE
Really?
MR. HANKEY
Sure. We should take this stuff to him
right away!
KYLE
But how are we gonna get to the North
Pole?
MR. HANKEY
Oh, that's no problem! We just need
a little Christmas magic. All aboad
the Poo Choo Express!
CARTMAN
Wow!
STAN
Wuh, that smells.
KYLE
Yeah.
MR. HANKEY
Next stop, the North Pole!
CARTMAN
Get the rest of the stuff you guys!
STAN
Uh, I don't really wanna get on there.
KYLE
Me neither.
CARTMAN
You guys, we have to bring Christmas
to those less fortunate! Now come on!
MR. HANKEY
Let's go, Poo Choo Train!
WHISTLE
Poo Choo!
MR. HANKEY
Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks
with a
WHISTLE
Poo Choo!
MR. HANKEY
All the way and back!
CARTMAN
Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing,
spreading Christmas joy as we ride and
sing!
KYLE
Dude, what the hell has gotten into
Cartman??
STAN
I don't know.
MR. HANKEY
Christmastime wouldn't be the same without
hugs and kisses and a Poo Choo Train.
[from a view in space, the train is seen making its way to the
North Pole]
[South Park. Jimmy is still singing]
JIMMY
...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear
t...t...tree. On the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii...
[The North Pole. The Poo Choo Train pulls into view, then stops]
MR. HANKEY
Here we are, kids. The North Pole.
STAN
Awww!
KYLE
Finally!
STAN
God, it took forever!
CARTMAN
Wow, is that where Santa lives?
MR. HANKEY
That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude.
GNOME 1
Mr. Hankey!
MR. HANKEY
We need to see Santa right away on urgent
Christmas business.
GNOME 1
Sure thing!
[The workshop. The group enters. Gnomes are busy everywhere,
moving gifts around, decorating Christmas trees]
KYLE
Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants
gnomes?
GMOME 1
Ten months out of the year. But this
time of year we help Santa! Here he
is!
SANTA
Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas!
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
Wow!
MR. HANKEY
Howdy ho, Santa!
SANTA
Mr. Hankey, how are you?
MR. HANKEY
All ready for Christmas?
SANTA
I was just starting to look over the
new naughty and nice list the gnomes
prepared for me.
CARTMAN
Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all
closed up then?
SANTA
Oh no, they keep it open until midnight
of Christmas Eve. Some kids actually
try to cram in a lot of niceness right
at the end.
CARTMAN
Oh, that's so lame of them.
MR. HANKEY
Santa, my friends are trying to do something
very special this Christmas. Tell him,
Eric.
CARTMAN
Well Santa, it's just that... I was
thinking about the people in Iraq who
are afraid that we might bomb them and
I just thought, well, maybe it wouldn't
hurt to send them a little bit of our
Christmas spirit as well.
SANTA
You know you're right. Santa hasn't
been to that of the world in a looong
time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace
to this whole situation.
CARTMAN
That's what I thought.
SANTA
Gnomes! Load up the sleigh with toys!
Santa's going to make a special run!
MR. HANKEY
All right!
SANTA
And you boys can all watch me from our
flight control room.
CARTMAN
Hooray!
[South Park. Jimmy is still singing]
JIMMY
...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear
tree. On the ...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas
my t-true love g-ge-gave to me-mee.
[The North Pole Flight Control Room. The gnomes and boys enter
the room, which is fully decorated in Christmas cheer]
GNOME 1
This is Santa's flight control center.
From here, we can monitor Santa from
satellite as he travels the globe delivering
presents.
KYLE
Wow, cool!
MR. HANKEY
Hey, it looks like Santa has already
made it to Baghdad.
[Baghdad, Iraq. Santa sails over the city]
SANTA
Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone!
Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to all!
IRAQI MAN 1
Paka klakalaka
IRAQI MAN 2
Anah kakadakadaka.
SANTA
Merry Christmas! I'm hit! I'm hit!
GNOME 1
Sleigh is hit! I repeat! Sleigh is hit!
GNOME 2
Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet!
SANTA
Hold on! Sleigh is going down!
GNOME 1
Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh
is going down!
STAN
Hang on, Santa!
GNOME 3
Sleigh 1 is going down! We are going
down!
GNOME 4
Don't look down! Don't look down! Repeat!
Don't look down!
GNOME 1
We got a red sleigh down. We got a
red sleigh down. Red Sleigh 2, this
is North Pole. Red Sleigh 1, this is
North Pole. Mr. Kringle?
GNOME 5
Jesus Christ, they killed him!
CARTMAN
No! Santa Claus can't be dead. He...
He can't.
STAN
Wny would Iraqis do that? Why?
MR. HANKEY
It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy
of them.
SANTA
North Pole. This is Santa.
MR. HANKEY
Santa! Are you alright?
GNOME 2
What is your status?
SANTA
Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all dead.
Both Santa's legs are broken. Santa's...
very sad. Santa will have to... oh no.
They're coming for me! Stay back, you
bastards! Stay back!
STAN
Oh no.
CARTMAN
Well what are you gnomes sitting there
for?! You have to go rescue him!
GNOME 5
What the hell are we supposed to do?!
We're like nine inches tall!
CARTMAN
Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot
doll!
KYLE
Is that what this is all about?! You
came up with this whole idea so you
could get a stupid toy?!
CARTMAN
It's not stupid! It's a toy that you
can starve! If you don't feed it, it
dies. It's sooo cool.
STAN
Well good going, asshole! Thanks to
you, there's not gonna be any Christmas,
and there's no one left to help us!
CARTMAN
Oh, Christ.
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
Jesus!
MR. HANKEY
Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody.
GNOME 2
Follow me. You can take Santa's backup
sleigh.
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of
Christmas]
JIMMY
On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas,
...my t-true love gave to... uh...
me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring...
rings. Fuhgom... don... t-t... don...
four cal...ling buh-irr
[The North Pole, Fortress of Solitude]
GNOME 2
We fed Jesus Christ's data into the
autopilot. This slide should be able
to take you right to him.
STAN
I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as
good as dead.
GNOME 2
Here it is. Red Sleigh 2.
CARTMAN
Come on, gang, it's up to us to save
Christmas!
MR. HANKEY
Tell Santa's workers to keep making
toys. We'll have Santa back in no time!
KYLE
Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing?
GNOME 2
You just have to call out the reindeer's
names.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet-
GNOME 2
No, no, they're all dead. You have to
call out the new ones. On Steven, on
Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy,
on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel.
Good luck finding Jesus!
[The night sky. The boys sail along the winds]
CARTMAN
Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in
Santa's sleigh!
MR. HANKEY
We should be able to find Jesus in no
time!
CARTMAN
I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high
above the trees at Christmastime. With
candy-cane wishes and smiles-
KYLE
What are you doing?
CARTMAN
I'm having a precious Christmastime
moment, Kyle, if you don't mind.
KYLE
Singing a Christmas song isn't gonna
get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't
forget: it's because of you that Santa's
sleigh got shot down!
CARTMAN
Hey, it isn't my fault that Iraqis
are filled with hate!
KYLE
All I'm saying is that it's gonna take
a lot of singing to make up for that!
CARTMAN
It's Christmas magic time, inside the
sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with
candy canes and chimney smiles, eh...
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of
Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier]
JIMMY
Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh
...uhrings. Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du...
Four calling biiirds
[Baghdad. Santa is being hauled down a hall by three Iraqi soldiers.
He's got bruises here and there, a bloody nose, a black eye.
They enter a room]
SANTA
Where are you taking me?? You are all
being very naughty.
IRAQI GENERAL
Why you come to Iraq, my main man?
SANTA
To bring happiness and joy to the children.
IRAQI GENERAL
And this is...? This is what you think
brings happy? This is material...
This is commercialism! My country is
sick. Sick!
SANTA
No, your country has just lost all its
Christmas spirit. What's going on here?!
IRAQI GENERAL
America wants to bomb my house, my main
man. They want to kill my wife and children.
We need to know... what is their plan?
SANTA
I don't know, I live in the North Pole.
What are you doing??
IRAQI GENERAL
They say that the Chinese were the first
to experiment with a little shock to
the testicles.
SANTA
Oh no. Not Santa's balls!
IRAQI GENERAL
What else is America planning?!
SANTA
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
IRAQI GENERAL
You're not in a position to kill anyone,
my main man! I just want you to tell
me America's plan!
SANTA
Then we're in for a long night, 'cause
I don't know shit!
[An Italian church. Jesus stands at the altar receiving parishioners,
blessing them for one thing or another]
JESUS
In nome del mio padre, siete guarito.
ELDERLAY MAN
Benedicali! Benedicali!
WOMAN
Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi.
JESUS
Il vostro bambino se arguisto.
WOMAN
Bene, Benedicali! La morte rossa!
MR. HANKEY
Hooowdy ho!
CARTMAN
Jesus!
JESUS
Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman.
What are you doing here, my children?
STAN
Jesus, Santa's sleigh was shot down
over Iraq!
JESUS
Santa? Is he alright?
KYLE
We don't know. They lost all contact
with him.
JESUS
We have to get him out of there.
MR. HANKEY
Do you know a way?
JESUS
Yes. Yes, I think I do. We need a little
Christmas miracle. Lock and load! We're
goin' in!
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of
Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier]
JIMMY
On the s...seventh day of Christmas
my t...true love ...
[The interrogation room. The general continues shock treatment
on Santa's balls.]
IRAQI GENERAL
You're a sick capitalist dog, my main
man!
[Baghdad. Jesus, Mr. Hankey, and the boys arrive and sail over
the city]
CARTMAN
This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole!
I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate
people.
GNOME
Red Sleiogh 2, come in.
STAN
We're here.
GNOME
You're coming up on the source of the
signal. You're right on top of him!
JESUS
He must be in that building below us.
Land it on the roof, Mr. Hankey.
MR. HANKEY
Howdy ho, Jesus.
SOLDIER 1
Gankueda!
JESUS
Wait here, I can handle this.
SOLDIER 2
Kinkeda? Kinkakueda!
JESUS
Yay, look upon me, and know me.
SOLDIER 1
Halak balah!
SOLDIER 2
Kli malah!
JESUS
My children, you should know something.
I'm packing. Let's go!
CARTMAN
This is such a magical Christmas adventure,
you guys.
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of
Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier]
JIMMY
On the el- el- el- eleventh of C- Christmas
my t...true love gave to me, e-eleven
p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping...
[The interrogation room. The general is now making Santa swallow
a can of oil]
IRAQI GENERAL
Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all
you Western capitalists want!
SANTA
Jesus Christ!
IRAQI GENERAL
Ach!
SANTA
Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus!
JESUS
Here. Can you walk?
SANTA
Santa's legs are broken.
JESUS
There, they are healed. Santa...
SANTA
I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't
let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!
MR. HANKEY
More soldiers are coming!
JESUS
Let's move. Move!
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of
Christmas.]
JIMMY
Eight... maids are... milking...
[A hallway. Jesus leads the others out]
JESUS
Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on
the roof!
KYLE
Jesus, behind you!
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
Jesus!
SANTA
No! Jesus. Jesus! No... don't worry,
Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
JESUS
You're a... bad liar. Yay. B-but we
sure gave them one hell of a fight,
huh?
SANTA
We sure did, Jesus
STAN
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right
here.
JESUS
Uh Santa?
SANTA
I'm here, Jesus.
JESUS
Don't... don't ever... let them take
away... our... Christmas spirit.
STAN
Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
KYLE
You bastards.
SANTA
Come on, kids!
[The building's rooftop. Santa leads the boys out while firing
at the pursuing Iraqi soldiers]
SANTA
Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh!
MR. HANKEY
Start the sleigh!
STAN
Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace,
on Chantel. Uhh...
KYLE
On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on
Montel.
CARTMAN
Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's
sleigh. It's Christmas special time
for me-
KYLE
Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas
act isn't fooling anybody!
CARTMAN
Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted
was for these people to understand what
Christmas means.
SANTA
You're right, kid.
MR. HANKEY
What are you doin', Santa?
SANTA
I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and
by God I'm gonna do it!
[Panels on either side of the sleigh body open up to reveal bombs
and a controller rises up in front of Santa. He releases the
reins and fires a rocket. It heads for a building and Iraqis
move out of the way. It hits its target, but instead of destroying
it, the bomb decorates the building in Christmas cheer. Strings
of lights decorate the windows and a Christmas tree appears at
the door. "Joy To The World" plays as snow comes down from the
sky. The Iraqis approach in wonder]
SANTA
Hohoho! Merry Christmas!
SOLDIER
Dakadaka!
STAN
RPG, four o'clock!
[Santa activates a laser, which rises over the boys and fires
at the soldier's bazooka. It becomes a giant candy cane. The
soldiers are surprised. Santa fires at a group of people holding
baskets of bread and a woman holding a chicken. The baskets become
gifts, while the chicken becomes a large gingerbread man. A rifle
in one man's hands becomes a Christmas wreath.]
MR. HANKEY
Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy
now!
SANTA
Merry Christmas! Hohoho!
[Santa makes another pass down a decorated street and drops five
more bombs. They leave behind five snowmen. The Iraqis are surprised
and confused by all these presents. The kids are terribly pleased
with theirs.]
SANTA
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a
good night! Hohohohoho!
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of
Christmas. The mayor's assistants are asleep and the mayor is
getting sleepy]
JIMMY
And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar
treeee.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
That's it? That's it! The song's over!
We can light the tree!
TOWSFOLK
Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay!
JIMBO
Oh, finally!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more
seconds until Christmas!
TOWSFOLK
Awwww!
RANDY
Christmas is ruined again!
SANTA
Ho ho ho!
TOWSFOLK
WOW!!!
RANDY
Stan!
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle!
KYLE
Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's sleigh!
STAN
We brought Christmas to Iraq!
SANTA
Everyone! Everyone, can I please have
your attention? Christmas is a very
special time of year, but... this year
it almost didn't happen. There's a man
named Jesus who gave his life to save
me. And so I declare that every year
on Christmas Day. we should remember
Jesus for what he did, and thank him
for it. From now on, Christmas will
be a day for remembering a brave man
named Jesus.
TOWSFOLK
Hooray!
SANTA
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got
a lot of work to do.
MR. HANKEY
I'll help you, Santa!
SANTA
Oh, and boys, you might want to check
under the Christmas tree. Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas!
STAN
Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all
Haibo dolls!
CARTMAN
Oh, God-damnit!
KYLE
Cartman, I thought all you wanted was
a Haibo doll!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but not if you guys have one,
too! Now it's worthless and gay! God-damnit
I'll never try to be nice again!
STAN
Well, all in all, I have to say this
was a pretty special Christmas.
KENNY
(Hey guys. What's goin' on?)
STAN
Oh, hey Kenny.
KYLE
Dude, where have you been?
KENNY
(Oh, I've just been hanging out.)
KYLE
Well come on! We gotta tell you what
happened. I'm sure glad it's over with.
STAN
Yeah, but I feel like things are finally
back to normal.
KENNY
(Yeah.)
THE END
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