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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 617


                                   "RED SLEIGH DOWN"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Cartman's house, day. In his room, Cartman has Kyle's cousin 
               Kyle tally up his good and bad deeds to see where he will end 
               up this year. Cousin Kyle is seated at Cartman's desk with piles 
               of paper to go through and an adding machine to keep it all current.]
 
               
                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         Av-a-a-alright, I'm done.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're done?

                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times 
                         you've been naughty and deducted the 
                         times you've been nice.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, so how's it look?

                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't 
                         look good.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But I'll still be getting presents this 
                         year, right?
 
                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         a-a-aactually it looks like you're gonna 
                         owe Santa three hundred and six presents.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         Four thousand three hundred and twelve 
                         instances of being naughty against three 
                         deductions of being nice, is is, is 
                         bad.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice 
                         invoices! Look look! What about this 
                         one? 
 
                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         Yes, wa-a-I didn't think "hitting Clyde 
                         in the balls with slingshot" really 
                         counted as nice.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It was nice for Token; he laughed for 
                         like 20 minutes.
 
                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         Ye you can't deduct things like that, 
                         Eric. Santa will know and then he'll 
                         come after you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          God-damnit I have to get that Haibo 
                         robot doll, you sonofabitch!
 
                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         Hey hey,  I'm just your naughty-and-nice 
                         accoutant! Don't blame me for the numbers!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Haven't you seen the Haibo doll? It's 
                         like a pet, a robot pet. You have to 
                         feed it and pet it or else it dies, 
                         and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa 
                         has to bring me one!
 
                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         But what, look, aren't there any other 
                         nice things you've done recently we 
                         can write off here?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last night!
 
                         
                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty 
                         or nice... Eric, it just, it falls more 
                         into the category of... brushing your 
                         teeth.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well there's still time before Christmas! 
                         Can't I still make up for it?
 
                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         If you cure cancer... and AIDS next 
                         week, you would still owe two presents.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Jesus Christ!

                                     COUSIN KYLE
                         Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find 
                         a way to do... the nicest, greaatest 
                         thing anyone has ever done. Ever. 
 
                         
               [South Park city hall, outside, night. A decorated Christmas 
               tree stands at one side of the entrance as the Mayor stands at 
               the dais]
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Good evening, everyone. In a moment 
                         we'll be lighting the South Park Christmas 
                         Tree to kick off the holidays!
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! 
                          Christmas Tree!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hi guys!  Very Merry Christmas. God 
                         bless one, everyone! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What are you doing, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm just letting you know how special 
                         you are to me.
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         But now, before we light the tree, I 
                         think we should all reflect for a moment 
                         on those who are less fortunate than 
                         us.  Right now in Iraq there are children 
                         who fear us and what we might do to 
                         their country. The threat of war touches 
                         us all, but over in Iraq, their is no 
                         Christmas. They have nothing.
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas 
                         for her own political agenda.  Light 
                         the damn tree!
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, that's it!

                                     KYLE
                         What's it?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't you see? This time of year we 
                         should be bringing Christmas to the 
                         less fortunate! Follow me!  You guys, 
                         come on! Right now! 
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Ahalright, here to light the Christmas 
                         Tree is a very special young man who 
                         shows us all the true meaning of Christmas. 
                         Jimmy. 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank 
                         you for giving me this great honor, 
                         Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree, 
                         I was wondering if I could sing... my 
                         favorite ...Christmas song, real quick.
 
                         
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                          Awww

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't 
                         we, folks?
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas 
                         songs!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Alright, h-here it goes. On the first 
                         day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my 
                         tr... t-tru-true love g-geh... g-g-geh... 
                         gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m... 
                         me... a pa... a pa... pah...
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh no. 

               [Cartman's house, night. Cartman is rushing out of his house 
               with all sorts of presents. Stan and Kyle just stand there looking 
               at him run around.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...and here's some old toys that I 
                         don't need anymore.  And here! Here's 
                         some Christmas cookies!  And some holly 
                         and mistletoe!  Oh, this'll the happiest 
                         Christmas the Middle East has ever seen! 
                         Guys, get those lights down from the 
                         door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis, 
                         too.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, why are you doing this?

                                     CARTMAN
                         They don't have Christmas there, guys. 
                         We have to give it to them.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's a retarded idea that won't work. 
                         Why are you really doing this?
 
                                     A VOICE
                          Hoooowwwwdy ho! 

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Hankey! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo. 
                          Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas 
                         to you!
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy 
                         out here. What are you boys doin'?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman is trying to bring Christmas 
                         to Iraq.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas 
                         just like everyone else.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really 
                         have the Christmas spirit!  I know someone 
                         who can help. Santa Claus!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Really?

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Really?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Sure. We should take this stuff to him 
                         right away!
 
                                     KYLE
                         But how are we gonna get to the North 
                         Pole?
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Oh, that's no problem! We just need 
                         a little Christmas magic.  All aboad 
                         the Poo Choo Express!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow!

                                     STAN
                         Wuh, that smells. 

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Next stop, the North Pole!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Get the rest of the stuff you guys!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh, I don't really wanna get on there. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Me neither.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, we have to bring Christmas 
                         to those less fortunate!  Now come on!
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Let's go, Poo Choo Train! 

                                     WHISTLE
                         Poo Choo! 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks 
                         with a
 
                                     WHISTLE
                         Poo Choo!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         All the way and back!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing, 
                         spreading Christmas joy as we ride and 
                         sing!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what the hell has gotten into 
                         Cartman??
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't know.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Christmastime wouldn't be the same without 
                         hugs and kisses and a Poo Choo Train.
 
                         
               [from a view in space, the train is seen making its way to the 
               North Pole]
 
               [South Park. Jimmy is still singing]

                                     JIMMY
                         ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear 
                         t...t...tree. On the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii...
 
                         
               [The North Pole. The Poo Choo Train pulls into view, then stops]
 
               
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Here we are, kids. The North Pole. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Awww! 

                                     KYLE
                         Finally!

                                     STAN
                         God, it took forever!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, is that where Santa lives?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude. 
                         
 
                                     GNOME 1
                         Mr. Hankey!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         We need to see Santa right away on urgent 
                         Christmas business.
 
                                     GNOME 1
                         Sure thing!

               [The workshop. The group enters. Gnomes are busy everywhere, 
               moving gifts around, decorating Christmas trees]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants 
                         gnomes?
 
                                     GMOME 1
                         Ten months out of the year. But this 
                         time of year we help Santa!  Here he 
                         is! 
 
                                     SANTA
                          Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas!

                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                          Wow!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy ho, Santa!

                                     SANTA
                          Mr. Hankey, how are you?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         All ready for Christmas?

                                     SANTA
                         I was just starting to look over the 
                         new naughty and nice list the gnomes 
                         prepared for me.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all 
                         closed up then?
 
                                     SANTA
                         Oh no, they keep it open until midnight 
                         of Christmas Eve. Some kids actually 
                         try to cram in a lot of niceness right 
                         at the end.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, that's so lame of them. 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Santa, my friends are trying to do something 
                         very special this Christmas. Tell him, 
                         Eric.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Well Santa, it's just that... I was 
                         thinking about the people in Iraq who 
                         are afraid that we might bomb them and 
                         I just thought, well, maybe it wouldn't 
                         hurt to send them a little bit of our 
                         Christmas spirit as well.
 
                                     SANTA
                         You know you're right. Santa hasn't 
                         been to that of the world in a looong 
                         time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace 
                         to this whole situation.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's what I thought.

                                     SANTA
                         Gnomes!  Load up the sleigh with toys! 
                         Santa's going to make a special run!
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         All right!

                                     SANTA
                         And you boys can all watch me from our 
                         flight control room.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hooray!

               [South Park. Jimmy is still singing]

                                     JIMMY
                         ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear 
                         tree. On the ...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas 
                         my t-true love g-ge-gave to me-mee.
 
                         
               [The North Pole Flight Control Room. The gnomes and boys enter 
               the room, which is fully decorated in Christmas cheer]
 
                                     GNOME 1
                         This is Santa's flight control center. 
                         From here, we can monitor Santa from 
                         satellite as he travels the globe delivering 
                         presents.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow, cool!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hey, it looks like Santa has already 
                         made it to Baghdad. 
 
               [Baghdad, Iraq. Santa sails over the city]

                                     SANTA
                         Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone! 
                          Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to all!
 
                         
                                     IRAQI MAN 1
                          Paka klakalaka

                                     IRAQI MAN 2
                          Anah kakadakadaka.

                                     SANTA
                         Merry Christmas!  I'm hit! I'm hit! 
                         
 
                                     GNOME 1
                         Sleigh is hit! I repeat! Sleigh is hit! 
                         
 
                                     GNOME 2
                         Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet! 
                         
 
                                     SANTA
                         Hold on!  Sleigh is going down! 

                                     GNOME 1
                         Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh 
                         is going down!
 
                                     STAN
                         Hang on, Santa! 

                                     GNOME 3
                          Sleigh 1 is going down! We are going 
                         down! 
 
                                     GNOME 4
                          Don't look down! Don't look down! Repeat! 
                         Don't look down! 
 
                                     GNOME 1
                          We got a red sleigh down. We got a 
                         red sleigh down.  Red Sleigh 2, this 
                         is North Pole.  Red Sleigh 1, this is 
                         North Pole.  Mr. Kringle? 
 
                                     GNOME 5
                         Jesus Christ, they killed him!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! Santa Claus can't be dead. He... 
                         He can't.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wny would Iraqis do that? Why?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy 
                         of them.
 
                                     SANTA
                          North Pole. This is Santa.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Santa! Are you alright?

                                     GNOME 2
                         What is your status?

                                     SANTA
                          Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all dead. 
                         Both Santa's legs are broken. Santa's... 
                         very sad. Santa will have to... oh no. 
                         They're coming for me!  Stay back, you 
                         bastards! Stay back! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh no.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well what are you gnomes sitting there 
                         for?! You have to go rescue him!
 
                                     GNOME 5
                         What the hell are we supposed to do?! 
                         We're like nine inches tall!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot 
                         doll!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Is that what this is all about?!  You 
                         came up with this whole idea so you 
                         could get a stupid toy?! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's not stupid! It's a toy that you 
                         can starve! If you don't feed it, it 
                         dies. It's sooo cool.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well good going, asshole! Thanks to 
                         you, there's not gonna be any Christmas, 
                         and there's no one left to help us!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Christ.

                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                          Jesus!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody.
 
                         
                                     GNOME 2
                         Follow me. You can take Santa's backup 
                         sleigh. 
 
               [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of 
               Christmas]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas, 
                          ...my t-true love gave to... uh... 
                         me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring... 
                         rings.  Fuhgom... don... t-t... don... 
                         four cal...ling buh-irr
 
               [The North Pole, Fortress of Solitude]

                                     GNOME 2
                         We fed Jesus Christ's data into the 
                         autopilot. This slide should be able 
                         to take you right to him.
 
                                     STAN
                         I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as 
                         good as dead.
 
                                     GNOME 2
                         Here it is. Red Sleigh 2. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, gang, it's up to us to save 
                         Christmas!
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Tell Santa's workers to keep making 
                         toys. We'll have Santa back in no time!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing?
 
                         
                                     GNOME 2
                         You just have to call out the reindeer's 
                         names.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet-
 
                         
                                     GNOME 2
                         No, no, they're all dead. You have to 
                         call out the new ones.  On Steven, on 
                         Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy, 
                         on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel.  
                         Good luck finding Jesus! 
 
               [The night sky. The boys sail along the winds]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in 
                         Santa's sleigh!
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         We should be able to find Jesus in no 
                         time!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high 
                         above the trees at Christmastime. With 
                         candy-cane wishes and smiles-
 
                                     KYLE
                         What are you doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm having a precious Christmastime 
                         moment, Kyle, if you don't mind.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Singing a Christmas song isn't gonna 
                         get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't 
                         forget: it's because of you that Santa's 
                         sleigh got shot down!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, it isn't my fault that Iraqis 
                         are filled with hate!
 
                                     KYLE
                         All I'm saying is that it's gonna take 
                         a lot of singing to make up for that!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          It's Christmas magic time, inside the 
                         sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with 
                         candy canes and chimney smiles, eh...
 
                         
               [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of 
               Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh 
                         ...uhrings. Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du... 
                         Four calling biiirds
 
               [Baghdad. Santa is being hauled down a hall by three Iraqi soldiers. 
               He's got bruises here and there, a bloody nose, a black eye. 
               They enter a room]
 
                                     SANTA
                         Where are you taking me??  You are all 
                         being very naughty. 
 
                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                          Why you come to Iraq, my main man?
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                          To bring happiness and joy to the children.
 
                         
                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                         And this is...?  This is what you think 
                         brings happy?  This is material...  
                         This is commercialism! My country is 
                         sick. Sick! 
 
                                     SANTA
                         No, your country has just lost all its 
                         Christmas spirit.  What's going on here?!
 
                         
                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                         America wants to bomb my house, my main 
                         man. They want to kill my wife and children. 
                         We need to know... what is their plan?
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         I don't know, I live in the North Pole. 
                          What are you doing??
 
                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                         They say that the Chinese were the first 
                         to experiment with a little shock to 
                         the testicles.
 
                                     SANTA
                         Oh no. Not Santa's balls! 

                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                         What else is America planning?!

                                     SANTA
                          I'm gonna fucking kill you!

                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                         You're not in a position to kill anyone, 
                         my main man! I just want you to tell 
                         me America's plan!
 
                                     SANTA
                         Then we're in for a long night, 'cause 
                         I don't know shit! 
 
               [An Italian church. Jesus stands at the altar receiving parishioners, 
               blessing them for one thing or another]
 
                                     JESUS
                          In nome del mio padre, siete guarito. 
                         
 
                                     ELDERLAY MAN
                          Benedicali! Benedicali! 

                                     WOMAN
                         Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi. 
                         
 
                                     JESUS
                          Il vostro bambino se arguisto. 

                                     WOMAN
                         Bene, Benedicali!  La morte rossa! 
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hooowdy ho! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jesus!

                                     JESUS
                         Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman. 
                         What are you doing here, my children?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Jesus, Santa's sleigh was shot down 
                         over Iraq!
 
                                     JESUS
                         Santa? Is he alright?

                                     KYLE
                         We don't know. They lost all contact 
                         with him.
 
                                     JESUS
                         We have to get him out of there.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Do you know a way?

                                     JESUS
                         Yes. Yes, I think I do.  We need a little 
                         Christmas miracle.  Lock and load! We're 
                         goin' in!
 
               [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of 
               Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         On the s...seventh day of Christmas 
                         my t...true love ...
 
               [The interrogation room. The general continues shock treatment 
               on Santa's balls.]
 
                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                         You're a sick capitalist dog, my main 
                         man! 
 
               [Baghdad. Jesus, Mr. Hankey, and the boys arrive and sail over 
               the city]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole! 
                          I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate 
                         people.
 
                                     GNOME
                         Red Sleiogh 2, come in.

                                     STAN
                         We're here.

                                     GNOME
                         You're coming up on the source of the 
                         signal. You're right on top of him!
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         He must be in that building below us. 
                         Land it on the roof, Mr. Hankey.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Howdy ho, Jesus. 

                                     SOLDIER 1
                          Gankueda!

                                     JESUS
                          Wait here, I can handle this.

                                     SOLDIER 2
                          Kinkeda? Kinkakueda!

                                     JESUS
                         Yay, look upon me, and know me.

                                     SOLDIER 1
                         Halak balah!

                                     SOLDIER 2
                         Kli malah!

                                     JESUS
                         My children, you should know something. 
                          I'm packing.  Let's go! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This is such a magical Christmas adventure, 
                         you guys.
 
               [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of 
               Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         On the el- el- el- eleventh of C- Christmas 
                         my t...true love gave to me, e-eleven 
                         p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping...
 
               [The interrogation room. The general is now making Santa swallow 
               a can of oil]
 
                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                         Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all 
                         you Western capitalists want! 
 
                                     SANTA
                         Jesus Christ! 

                                     IRAQI GENERAL
                         Ach!

                                     SANTA
                         Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus! 
                         
 
                                     JESUS
                         Here.  Can you walk?

                                     SANTA
                         Santa's legs are broken. 

                                     JESUS
                         There, they are healed.  Santa...

                                     SANTA
                         I just couldn't do it.  I just couldn't 
                         let him live. He shocked Santa's balls! 
                         
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         More soldiers are coming!

                                     JESUS
                         Let's move. Move!

               [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of 
               Christmas.]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Eight... maids are... milking...

               [A hallway. Jesus leads the others out]

                                     JESUS
                          Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on 
                         the roof! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Jesus, behind you! 

                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                          Jesus! 

                                     SANTA
                          No!  Jesus. Jesus!  No... don't worry, 
                         Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         You're a... bad liar.  Yay. B-but we 
                         sure gave them one hell of a fight, 
                         huh?
 
                                     SANTA
                         We sure did, Jesus

                                     STAN
                          Dude, this is pretty fucked up right 
                         here.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Uh Santa?

                                     SANTA
                          I'm here, Jesus.

                                     JESUS
                         Don't... don't ever... let them take 
                         away... our... Christmas spirit. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You bastards. 

                                     SANTA
                          Come on, kids! 

               [The building's rooftop. Santa leads the boys out while firing 
               at the pursuing Iraqi soldiers]
 
                                     SANTA
                         Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh! 
                         
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Start the sleigh!

                                     STAN
                         Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, 
                         on Chantel. Uhh...
 
                                     KYLE
                         On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on 
                         Montel. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's 
                         sleigh. It's Christmas special time 
                         for me-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas 
                         act isn't fooling anybody!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted 
                         was for these people to understand what 
                         Christmas means.
 
                                     SANTA
                         You're right, kid. 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         What are you doin', Santa?

                                     SANTA
                         I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and 
                         by God I'm gonna do it! 
 
               [Panels on either side of the sleigh body open up to reveal bombs 
               and a controller rises up in front of Santa. He releases the 
               reins and fires a rocket. It heads for a building and Iraqis 
               move out of the way. It hits its target, but instead of destroying 
               it, the bomb decorates the building in Christmas cheer. Strings 
               of lights decorate the windows and a Christmas tree appears at 
               the door. "Joy To The World" plays as snow comes down from the 
               sky. The Iraqis approach in wonder]
 
                                     SANTA
                         Hohoho! Merry Christmas! 

                                     SOLDIER
                          Dakadaka!

                                     STAN
                         RPG, four o'clock!

               [Santa activates a laser, which rises over the boys and fires 
               at the soldier's bazooka. It becomes a giant candy cane. The 
               soldiers are surprised. Santa fires at a group of people holding 
               baskets of bread and a woman holding a chicken. The baskets become 
               gifts, while the chicken becomes a large gingerbread man. A rifle 
               in one man's hands becomes a Christmas wreath.]
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy 
                         now!
 
                                     SANTA
                         Merry Christmas! Hohoho!

               [Santa makes another pass down a decorated street and drops five 
               more bombs. They leave behind five snowmen. The Iraqis are surprised 
               and confused by all these presents. The kids are terribly pleased 
               with theirs.]
 
                                     SANTA
                         Merry Christmas to all, and to all a 
                         good night! Hohohohoho!
 
               [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of 
               Christmas. The mayor's assistants are asleep and the mayor is 
               getting sleepy]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar 
                         treeee. 
 
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         That's it? That's it! The song's over! 
                         We can light the tree! 
 
                                     TOWSFOLK
                          Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay!

                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, finally!

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more 
                         seconds until Christmas! 
 
                                     TOWSFOLK
                         Awwww!

                                     RANDY
                         Christmas is ruined again! 

                                     SANTA
                          Ho ho ho! 

                                     TOWSFOLK
                         WOW!!! 

                                     RANDY
                         Stan!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                          Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's sleigh!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          We brought Christmas to Iraq!

                                     SANTA
                          Everyone! Everyone, can I please have 
                         your attention?  Christmas is a very 
                         special time of year, but... this year 
                         it almost didn't happen. There's a man 
                         named Jesus who gave his life to save 
                         me. And so I declare that every year 
                         on Christmas Day. we should remember 
                         Jesus for what he did, and thank him 
                         for it. From now on, Christmas will 
                         be a day for remembering a brave man 
                         named Jesus.
 
                                     TOWSFOLK
                          Hooray!

                                     SANTA
                         Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got 
                         a lot of work to do. 
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         I'll help you, Santa!

                                     SANTA
                          Oh, and boys, you might want to check 
                         under the Christmas tree.  Ho ho ho! 
                         Merry Christmas! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all 
                         Haibo dolls! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, God-damnit!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, I thought all you wanted was 
                         a Haibo doll!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, but not if you guys have one, 
                         too! Now it's worthless and gay! God-damnit 
                         I'll never try to be nice again! 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Well, all in all, I have to say this 
                         was a pretty special Christmas.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Hey guys. What's goin' on?)

                                     STAN
                         Oh, hey Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, where have you been?

                                     KENNY
                         (Oh, I've just been hanging out.)

                                     KYLE
                         Well come on! We gotta tell you what 
                         happened. I'm sure glad it's over with. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but I feel like things are finally 
                         back to normal.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

               THE END

Red Sleigh Down



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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