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ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 211

                      "ROGER EBERT SHOULD LAY OFF THE FATTY FOODS"

                                        Written by

                               Trey Parker & David Goodman



               [A television is on, and the end of an episode of Barnaby Jones 
               is near]
 
                                     POLICE COMMISSIONER
                         Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled 
                         them again.
 
                                     BARNABY JONES
                          All in a day's work, I guess. I just 
                         hope that next time, I won't have to 
                         run so much. 
 
               
               BARNABY JONES

               AS CULTURAL TEXT

               [The camera backs up to reveal that the TV is in Mr. Garrison's 
               classroom, and that class is in session]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby 
                         Jones meant when he said, "This is not 
                         a victimless crime"? Anybody?  Children, 
                         were you paying attention?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby 
                         Jones repeats for eight days now. It's 
                         hard to keep paying attention.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't 
                         you just forget what Barnaby Jones has 
                         to say?! Why don't you not pay attention 
                         to Barnaby Jones and then let's see 
                         how far you get in society?! Okay, Stanley, 
                         why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones 
                         knew the poison was in the milk?
 
                                     STAN
                         Can't we just be like normal third-graders 
                         for a little while?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, and what do you consider normal?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I don't know, like, learn about art 
                         'n music and go on field trips and stuff.
 
                         
                                     THE CLASS
                         Yeah!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens 
                         we are going on a field trip tomorrow!
 
                         
                                     THE CLASS
                         Hooray!

                                     KYLE
                         To where?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         To the planetarium.

                                     THE CLASS
                         AAWWWW!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Planetariums suck!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It's boring.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, too bad! You're all going to the 
                         planetarium and you're all going to 
                         love it! In the meantime, we're going 
                         to watch episode #203, Barnaby Under 
                         Siege.
 
                                     THE CLASS
                          Aawwww.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, sorry, I taped these at home, so 
                         there's more commercials. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs? 
                         
 
                                     THE CLASS
                         Yes.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a 
                         kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song. 
                         Watch for our talent van as it goes 
                         around the country.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         If you win, you could be picked to be 
                         in our next Cheesy Poofs commercial. 
                         So remember,
 
               I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs

               # If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame [Cartman is singing 
               along by the end of the first line]
 
               [The next day. Mr. Garrison and the class are headed away from 
               South Park on Ms. Crabtree's bus. The kids are making a lot of 
               noise and running around]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Okay, children, let's quiet down so 
                         the nice bus driver can concentrate 
                         on the road.
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         THAT AIN'T HOW YOY DO IT! YOU DO IT 
                         LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!! 
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Ow! Jesus, lady!

               TANTALUS V. OBSERVATORY

               [Ms. Crabtree hits the brakes so hard the bus bucks and sends 
               kids flying out of their seats]
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM-WATCH YOUR STEP 
                         ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSEELF!
 
                         
                                     KID
                          Ow.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Okay, children, now I'm going to remind 
                         you that this is a planetarium, not 
                         a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Does your child have what it takes 
                         to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, there it is!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         We're going around the country to find 
                         the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs 
                         song better than anybody.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with 
                         both hands tied behnd my back!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You couldn't get both arms behind your 
                         back, fatass!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs 
                         song for that talent va-a-an!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, you have to go in this building 
                         and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now, 
                         come on! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song 
                         on the commercial!
 
               [The class enters the observatory, and some of the students are 
               awed by it all]
 
                                     A BOY
                         Wow, don't you…?

                                     A GIRL
                         What is that?

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams. 
                         Welcome to the plane'arium.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I thought it was "plane-tarium."

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Well, it is. But I have a bone disease 
                         which impedes my ability to pronounce 
                         the "t" in "plane'arium"
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's a pretty weird bone disease.
 
                         
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow 
                         transplant.  Yes, little boy?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How long is that Chessy Poofs van gonna 
                         be outside?
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Well I don't know. But anyway, boys 
                         and girls, soon you'll be witnessing 
                         the wonders of the universe. But first, 
                         I wanna show you how the plane'arium 
                         works.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         As if we care.

                                     KYLE
                          Hey, who are you?

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big 
                         projector for us.
 
                                     MISSY
                         I love my work.

                                     STAN
                         Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us; 
                         shouldn't you be in school?
 
                                     MISSY
                         I love my work. 

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Come on. Let's get into the plane'arium, 
                         shall we?
 
               [in the planetarium proper. The class sits in a small theater 
               and Dr. Adams is in a small room behind the class. Another kid 
               works some controls on a machine on the theater floor.]
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Good morning, children, and welcome 
                         to the plane'arium. We're going on a 
                         fascinating ride through the universe, 
                         so I want you to lean back in your chairs 
                         and get comfortable. 
 
                                     STAN
                         This is stupid.

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         And now I'm going to dim the lights 
                         and let the stars… ehcome out. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Whoopie.

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Here we see the constellatiion called, 
                         "The Big Dipper" If I project a drawing 
                         of a big dipper on top of it,  a-hah 
                         , we see where this constellation gets 
                         its name. These stars over here form 
                         the constellation of Taurus, the Bull 
                         , while these stars form the constellation, 
                         "Roger Ebert" . And these two little 
                         stars over here form the constellation 
                         The Crusades . Now, stars are actually 
                         made of hot gas, which is exactly what 
                         comes out of…
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw man, screw this. 

                                     DR. ADAMS
                          And now breathe deep as the stars sloowwly 
                         start to move in little circles.  I 
                         know you think plane'ariums are boring, 
                         but I'm gonna try to change the way 
                         you think about that.
 
               [Outside, tryouts are underway. Cartman stands behind a boy currently 
               singing for the talent van]
 
                                     BOY
                         …you love Cheesy Poofs

               If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         That was great, Tommy. Tommy Fritz from 
                         Torrey Pines! He could be our winner.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked 
                         ass!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eric Cartman.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving 
                         it a shot. 
 
                                     TOMMY
                         Aaah! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs

               If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.

               I'm talkin' Night-Court-in-it's-fifth-season lame-aaaahh!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Wow!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thaat's right, suck on that. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, man, I don't feel so good.

                                     STAN
                         Me neither, but… I loved the planetarium.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Me too. It was sweet.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Really? What did you like best about 
                         it?
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't know. I don't even remember 
                         what happened.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Wait a minute. Where is Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                          I did it! I did it!

                                     KYLE
                         Did what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I got a call-back for the Cheesy Poofs 
                         song!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You snuck off and sang that stupid song?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals 
                         for tomorrow!
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                          Goodbye, children. Thanks for visiting. 
                         Don't forget: we have Laser Rock shows 
                         at night here at the plane-'arium. This 
                         week it's laser Kenny Loggins and laser 
                         James Taylor.
 
               [The class is on the bus going back to school]

                                     KYLE
                         My head still feels funny.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, mine too.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys, when I'm done with that- 
                         Cheesy Poofs commercial, I bet I get 
                         all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Like you really need it, hippo-ass!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle. 
                         It really is.
 
                                     BOY
                          Waaaah!

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         AAAAAH!

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude! Who the hell are you?!
 
                         
                                     BOY
                          My… name… is… vvan… G-gelder.

                                     STAN
                         Van Gelder?? What the hell are you doing 
                         on our bus?! Mr. Garrison, there's some 
                         freaky kid from the planetarium on our 
                         bus!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, great! Well I guess we have to go 
                         back!
 
                                     VAN GELDER
                          Nnno! Nn-don't go back! Nnno!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, be careful, asshole!

                                     VAN GELDER
                         Eegh! Don't take me back there!  I can't… 
                         can't…
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, dude. Mellow out, jeez!

                                     VAN GELDER
                         AAaagghh. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          We've better get him to the nurse's 
                         office, stat!
 
               [The nurse's office. Van Gelder has been strapped down. Principal 
               Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are present]
 
                                     VAN GELDER
                          Aagh! The planetarium! Haah!

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         I'll give him a pain killer. That should 
                         calm him down.
 
                                     VAN GELDER
                         Nno! Nnno pain killer! I'll be okay!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Okay uh van Gelder-

                                     VAN GELDER
                         Nnnaaaah!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         -okay uh I'm Counselor Mackey. Have 
                         you been smokin' marijawana? Marijawana's 
                         bad, mkay?
 
                                     VAN GELDER
                         Eh must… kill… the machine. The machine 
                         is… e-e-e-ghe gheh- 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, I've never seen anything like 
                         this. What do you think, principal?
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, whatever happened to him happened 
                         at the planetarium.
 
                                     VAN GELDER
                         Haah! Planetarium!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         I think tonight the planetarium is doing 
                         laser Loggins. I might have to check 
                         it out.
 
                                     VAN GELDER
                         Nnaaah!

               [At the planetarium later that night, laser Loggins is underway. 
               "Footloose" plays and laser displays of feet dance around the 
               ceiling]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh, man, this is boring!

                                     MAN
                         Yeah, who the heck finds this interesting? 
                         
 
                                     TEEN 1
                         Dude, this is totally killer.

                                     TEEN 2
                         I hope this goes on for like, seven 
                         months, man.
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                          You will not remember what happened 
                         here. To remember it will cause incredible 
                         pain.  Incredible pain!  Incredible 
                         icky paaiin!
 
                                     TEEN 1
                         Dude, I'm totally tripping.

                                     TEEN 2
                         Dude, this is totally rad.

               [South Park Elementary, the next day. The school bell sounds 
               off]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Okay, children, today we're going to 
                         learn all about Japanese poems called 
                         haiku. A haiku is just like a normal 
                         American poem, except that it doesn't 
                         rhyme, and it's totally stupid. For 
                         example- Uh, where is Eric Cartman?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         That's a haiku?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't 
                         at school.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Was he on the school bus this morning?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     KYLE
                         

               Fatass Cartman was

               not on the school bus today.

               What a big, fat turd.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hoh, very good haiku, Kyle. Yes- haikus 
                         have five syllables, then seven, then 
                         five. Kenny, can you give us another 
                         example?
 
                                     KENNY
                         
               (When you rub your dick,

               you might find a discharge that

               winds up on the floor.)

                                     STAN
                          Yeah. What's a discharge?

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Garrison, since haiku sucks so much 
                         ass, could we go to the planetarium 
                         again?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I wanna go to the planetarium 
                         again, too.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         But you were just there! Why do you 
                         wanna go again so soon?
 
                                     STAN
                          Yeah, why do we wanna go again so soon?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I dunno. I just have this sudden urge 
                         to go back.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I guess we could go again, since 
                         it's just down the street.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, hello, it's all my little friends 
                         with all their little dreams. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Eric, where have you been?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let's see, where have I been, where 
                         have I been?
 
                                     STAN
                         Where have you been, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wweell, I might have been over at the 
                         Cheesy Poofs call-back, winning regional 
                         champsionship! 
 
                                     THE CLASS
                         Whoa!

                                     CARTMAN
                          This is my regional championship certificate! 
                         Do you like it?  Hey, where is your 
                         regional champsionship 'tificate, Clyde? 
                         Oh, you don't have one?  Hmmm. Do you 
                         have a regional certificate, Wendy? 
                         Nno?  Apparently, only I do.
 
                                     KYLE
                         
               Ass full of pork fat

               jiggles like a Jello mold.

               Mouth is flapping, too.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Your haiku insults have no effect on 
                         me, Kyle. I'm regional champion.
 
                                     STAN
                         Does that mean you're gonna be on that 
                         Cheesy Poofs commercial?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's between me and four other kids. 
                         I'm on my way now with my mom to the 
                         finals.
 
                                     KYLE
                         
               I bet you don't win.

               They don't let big fat asses

               perform on TV.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Very good, Kyle.

                                     CARTMAN
                         
               Shut your God-damned mouth

               or else I'm… gonna… kick you

               square in the balls… ass-hole

               Aw, damn it! [one too many syllables there]

               [Van Gelder is still strapped down. Mr. Mackey stops by]

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Um. How's he doing, nurse?

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         He's stable, but I still can't get any 
                         information out of him. I'm gonna sedate 
                         him now.
 
                                     VAN GELDER
                         Nno! No drugs.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Drugs are good, mkay?

                                     VAN GELDER
                         Nno! Don't let them g-go… planetarium!
 
                         
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         But why, van Gelder?

                                     VAN GELDER
                         The machine. The machine is aaaah. 
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         The machine is aaaah? Uh that's probably 
                         bad.
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         He's been talking about "the machine" 
                         for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes.
 
                         
                                     VAN GELDER
                         Wha- why in America's Funniest Home 
                         Videos? Why?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, there's only one way to get any 
                         sense out of him. We're gonna have to 
                         try a mind meld, mkay?
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         A what??

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, it's an ancient technique handed 
                         down from school counselor to school 
                         counselor. I don't like to use it, but 
                         it may be our only hope.
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         Well, wwhat will you need?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Just time to prepare, nurse. Just time. 
                          Mkay?
 
               [Tantalus V. Obsevatory. The class is back]

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Well, children, I'm so glad you came 
                         back to learn more.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         They just begged to come back; I couldn't 
                         get them to shut up about it.
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Well, I'm sure we're going to have a 
                         marvelous time. Won't we, children?
 
                         
                                     THE CLASS
                         Yes. 

                                     TEEN 1
                         This way, please.

                                     TEEN 2
                         Enjoy your visit. 

               [The class is in the theater now, looking at the laser show]
 
               
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Billions of stars and billions of galaxies 
                         make up our universe. Here you see Polaris, 
                         the dog star.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I'm just gonna step outside and go 
                         weewee.
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Certainly, Mr. Garrison.  You love the 
                         planetarium! To be without the planetarium 
                         causes you horrible pain! All you want 
                         to do is help the planetarium thrive! 
                         To not do so makes your stomach ache 
                         with needlelike stab-  and right over 
                         here we see the constellation Orion. 
                          Orion's belt is made up of three stars, 
                         one of which is actually a pulsar…
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, what just happened?

                                     KYLE
                         What do you mean?

                                     STAN
                         Come on, we've gotta get out of here 
                         before something bad happens.
 
               [Cheesy Poofs Call Backs Today! Cartman and his mom wait with 
               the other finalists and their parents on sofas in the front office. 
               Cartman is picking at his nose]
 
                                     LIANE
                         Don't pick your nose, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I wasn't picking it-I had an itch, for 
                         cryin' out loud!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know. There's a lot of competition 
                         here.
 
                                     POOR GIRL
                         Do you think I might win, Mommy?

                                     POOR MOM
                         I hope so, honey. Then perhaps we can 
                         eat for a little while.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, look! They're giving away bread 
                         outside!
 
                                     POOR GIRL
                          Did you hear that, Mommy?

                                     POOR MOM
                         Come on! Perhaps we can get some food 
                         in our stomachs! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Psych!

               [The Planetarium. Stan and Kyle are standing outside. The doors 
               open and the rest of the class straggles out]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          What the hell are you boys doing? You're 
                         supposed to be in there.
 
                                     STAN
                         Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium 
                         guy is-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sshh!

                                     DR. ADAMS
                          Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming.
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                          I wanna go again. I wanna go again!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde. You just 
                         went!
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Well, Clyde, if you like the plane'arium 
                         so much, perhaps you'd like to do some 
                         volumteer work here.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Yes. Yes, please!

                                     SWANSON
                         Me, too!

                                     JORDAN
                         Me, too! I wanna do it! I'd love to 
                         work here.
 
                                     A GIRL
                         I'd like to tape the show!

                                     FOSSE
                         Yeah, me tohohoo. Plahanehetaharium's 
                         gahahay! 
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Mr. Garrison?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I guess I could give them extra 
                         credit for it.
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Excellent! Why don't we step over here 
                         and I'll show all you children how to 
                         volunteer.
 
                                     THE CLASS
                         Hooray! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, this isn't right.

                                     KYLE
                         Why?

                                     STAN
                         We're kids, dude. We don't volunteer 
                         for anything.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, yeah.

                                     STAN
                         Come on, we've gotta see what's going 
                         on in there. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Here's the control panel that operates 
                         all the stars.
 
                                     STAN
                         Kenny, you go out there and tell us 
                         what you see.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Okay. Got to have some huggin') 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         He hits this switch- 

                                     KENNY
                         (I don't see anything)

                                     KYLE
                         You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch 
                         of stars.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I guess so. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Whoa, dude.)

                                     KYLE
                         What does that do?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know. 

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny! What's it doing? 

                                     STAN
                         This says "maximum."  Oh my God, we've 
                         killed Kenny!
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're bastards!

                                     STAN
                          Dude, I told you something was up with 
                         this place! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
 
                         
               [Casting Office. The finalists are showing their best work now]
 
               
                                     BOY
                         (clap clap clap)-G-O

               (clap clap ---)-G-O

               and Bingo was his name-o

               
               Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o

               (clap clap clap-clap) 0

               (clap clap clap-clap clap) 0

               (clap clap clap-clap clap) 0

               and Bingo was his name-o

               
               Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o

               (clap) ING (clap)

               (clap) ING (clap)

               # and Bingo was his name-o [finishes with a flourish and a bow]
 
               
                                     CENTER JUDGE
                          Thank you… uh, Peter. We'll let you 
                         know very soon.  Next will be uuh, Eric 
                         Theodore Cartman.
 
                                     LIANE
                          Hello, everybody.  Now, just do it 
                         like we rehearsed, hon.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I know, I know! 

               
               She works hard for the money

               So hard for it, honey

               # She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right 
               [he rips off his jacket and reveals a sky blue sequined vest 
               and bowtie - and his belly button. The judges are surprised]
 
               
               
               She works hard for the money

               So hard for it, honey

               # She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right 
               [he moonwalks, then faces the judges again. End of performance]
 
               
                                     CENTER JUDGE
                          Well, Heric Cartman, that certainly 
                         was… insane.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you.

                                     CENTER JUDGE
                         We'll let you know.

                                     LIANE
                         Thank you.  Don't pick your nose, hon.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not pickin' it ma! God damn it, 
                         I have a itch! 
 
                                     CENTER JUDGE
                         Jesus, where do we find these people?!
 
                         
               [South Park Elementary, the nurse's office]

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts 
                         are one. Mkay?
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         This is the strangest thing I've ever 
                         seen!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead 
                         fetus on your head, you're not being 
                         very open-minded.  Open your mind to 
                         your counselor. Open your mind.
 
                                     VAN GELDER
                          Dr. Adams.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes.

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         He owns the planetarium. What about 
                         him?
 
                                     VAN GELDER, MR. MACKEY
                         He uses the machine. The star machine.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mkay?

                                     VAN GELDER, MR. MACKEY
                         He uses it to erase minds.

                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         But why?

                                     VAN GELDER, MR. MACKEY
                         Planetarium, about to go out of business. 
                         Adams had to create slaves to survive.
 
                         
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         My God! This is amazing!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Abuh. Please, nurse, you're throwin' 
                         off my chi! Mkay?
 
               [Casting Office. The results are in]

                                     CENTER JUDGE
                         Well, we'd certainly like to thank all 
                         our finalists. Only one of our finalists 
                         can win the grand prize and… unfortunately, 
                         that finalist is Eric Cartman.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes! I'm the best!

                                     CENTER JUDGE
                         You were actually our last choice. Uh 
                         the other children have unexpectedly 
                         taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.
 
                         
                                     BLONDE JUDGE
                         That's odd.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Sweeet!

               [News 4 Special Report]

                                     TOM
                         It appears that more and more South 
                         Park residents are discovering the wonder 
                         and joy of the planetarium. Here with 
                         a special report is a 34-year old Asian 
                         man who looks strikingly similar to 
                         Ricardo Montalban.
 
                                     ASIAN REPORTER
                         Thanks, Tom. Yes, indeed, the planetarium 
                         has become very popular as word spreads 
                         that it really isn't as lame and stupid 
                         as one suspected. I'm here with the 
                         planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation 
                         to all South Park residents to come 
                         see a special free show this evening. 
                         I guarantee, it will change the way 
                         you think about the plane'ah-arium
 
                         
                                     ASIAN REPORTER
                         So, bring the whole family to the plane-tarium 
                         for a night of excitement and wonder.
 
                         
               SOUTH PARK POLICE DEPT.

               [Stan and Kyle are inside talking to Officer Barbrady]

                                     STAN
                         …and then we turned the dial, and Kenny 
                         went into a kind of hypnosis.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         That's a pretty far-fetched story, boys.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         But it's true, dude!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Are you boys sure you're not just making 
                         this all up?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, pretty sure.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, just as soon as I handle all the 
                         other crime in South Park, I'm gonna 
                         go with you to the planetarium so I 
                         can prove that nothing's wrong.
 
                                     STAN
                         What other crime in South Park?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh, yeah. Let's go.

               [Time for Cartman's big debut]

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's 
                         our Cheesy Poof talent?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm over here. 

                                     LIANE
                         Oohh, you look great, hon. Mommy's fat 
                         little piggy.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aay!  Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
 
                         
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Okay, roll camera, aaand action.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I love Cheesy Poofs, you-

                                     LIANE
                         Oh wait, wait.  You've got a little 
                         eye booger, hon.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake! 

                                     LIANE
                         Got it. 

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Aaand action.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I love Cheesy Poofs-

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Hold it! Cut! Could we get some more 
                         light on that backdrop?
 
                                     STAGEHAND
                         Sure thing. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, man, c'mon!

                                     STAGEHAND
                         Got it.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Okay. Here we go, aaand action.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Chee-
 
                         
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Cut!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     DIRECTOR
                         I'm not liking the shoes. Could we change 
                         the shoes?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, God damnit!

               [Barbrady, Stan, and Kyle show up at the planetarium. Barbrady 
               knocks and the door opens]
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Oh. Hello, officer of the law.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         What brings you out here?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, these boys seem to think you're 
                         some kind of sick weirdo that's got 
                         a master plan to screw with the minds 
                         of everyone in town. 
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Oh, really? 

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Yeah. I just thought I'd come show them 
                         around so they'd know there's nothing 
                         to be scared of. 
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Actually, this is a pretty inopportune 
                         time.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Okay, I'll be quick, then.

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Of coure, officer. Come on in.

               [Barbrady and the boys enter. What they see inside is something 
               else. Kids, Bebe among them, are sweeping and cleaning the exhibits. 
               Chef is helping out, too. All of them are wearing gray planetarium 
               suits]
 
                                     CHEF
                          Hello, children.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, no! They got Chef, too!

                                     CHEF
                         Welcome to the planetarium. 

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, it's nice to see you finally got 
                         a real job, Chef.
 
                                     CHEF
                          I love my work.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh I know what you mean. I've always 
                         loved the planetarium, too.
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                          Would you like to see the stars, officer?
 
                         
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         No!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         That would be super-duper! 

                                     KYLE
                         Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!

               [Cartman's house. He's calling everyone he knows…]

                                     AN AGED VOICE
                         Hello?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hi, Grandma. It's me, Eric.

                                     GRANDMA
                         Oh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed 
                         you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I just wanted to remind you that I'm 
                         gonna be on television tonight, so be 
                         sure to watch.
 
                                     GRANDMA
                         Oh, I will, Eric. You know, I remember 
                         when I was a little girl and had my 
                         first talent show audition for-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, bye. 

                                     THE MARSHES' ANSWERING MACHINE
                         Hello? The-uh Marshes aren't in right 
                         now. Please leave a message.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan? I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be 
                         sure to watch. 
 
                                     THE BROFLOVSKIS' ANSWERING MACHINE
                         Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis. 
                         Please, leave a message.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Where the hell is everybody?! I'm gonna 
                         be on TV tonight. You guys better not 
                         miss it!
 
               [Back at the planetarium…]

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         And this is the constellation called 
                         Cassiopeia
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh, neato!

                                     DR. ADAMS
                          And now, officer, from this moment 
                         on, you will think that you are Elvis 
                         Presley.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Who?

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         To not be Elvis will cause you great 
                         pain.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Pain.

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         You see, children? There's no stopping 
                         me. Even your highly intelligent policemen 
                         are no match for me.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's not highly intelligent.

                                     STAN
                         Why are you doing this, dude?

                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Why? Because nowadays kids have computers, 
                         surround-sound television. They've forgotten 
                         all about plane'ariums. But I'll make 
                         them remember, starting with the two 
                         of you!
 
               [Cartman's house. He's watching the TV for his commercial]

                                     VOICE-OVER
                         Terrance and Phillip will be right back 
                         after these announcements.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, dude, here it comes!

                                     CHEESY POOFS COMMERCIAL
                         Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs 
                         can really give you that quick pick-me-up. 
                         So remember 
 
               
               # I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs [the box opens and 
               Cheesy Poof pour out]
 
               If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be-

               # [the Cheesy Poofs rain down on a pile of Cheesy Poof in which 
               children swim]
 
                                     CHEESY POOF CARTMAN
                         Lame.

                                     VOICE-OVER
                         And now back to Terrance and Phillip.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! Yes, that was me! I was on television!
 
                         
               [Mr. Mackey and Nurse Gollum burst through the planetarium doors. 
               Mr. Mackey is pissed. Facing them are Dr. Adams, Officer Barbrady, 
               Stan, Kyle, and the two teens]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Aha! Caught you red-handed! Mkay!

                                     STAN
                         Mr. Mackey!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Officer Barbrady, uh, this man is using 
                         some kind of mind control.
 
               Officer Barbrady	[doing a twisted Elvis Presley] Wuzzariah? Ulduhooyah? 
               Guh. Ahoohooyuh?
 
                                     NURSE GOLLUM
                         What's wrong with him?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Ah-yeah, babe, yeah, babe

               uhyeah hwah yeah hwah wayah ahowowowowayah

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh no, apparently, he thinks he's Charlton 
                         Heston.
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         No, you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis. 
                          Elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium.
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Holdjit  If you wouldn't mind, uugh. 
                         Could you please follow me?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh oh.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Odle-oh who whoo?

               [The planetarium, that night. Nurse Gollum, Mr. Mackey, Stan, 
               and Kyle are strapped into their seats in the theater]
 
                                     DR ADAMS
                         Well, let's begin, shall we?  And now 
                         you'll remember nothing, except that 
                         the planet'arium is the best thing you've 
                         ever known! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, well well! You guys can now kiss 
                         my ass, because I was on television! 
                          Ey! Didn't you guys see it?! I was 
                         on television!  You missed it! You missed 
                         it because of this stupid planetarium! 
                          Planetariums suck ass! 
 
                                     DR. ADAMS
                         Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.

                                     KYLE
                          Cartman! You saved us! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell are you talking about?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Get over here and untie us! 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Eric, you really saved the day. Mkay?
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Not so fast there, tubby. Uh I'm just 
                         takin' care of business. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Think hard, Elvis. You're not really 
                         the king of rock and roll. You're a 
                         fat, stupid, worthless policeman in 
                         a small town. Mkay?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Oh, thank you from a fate worse than 
                         death, counselor.
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh my God! Dr. Adams!

               [Everyone rushes to the control room window to see what's happened. 
               Dr. Adams is seated inside against a wall, slumped on his right 
               side]
 
                                     KYLE
                         He got a full dose of the stars.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. With nobody around to say anything.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied 
                         by that… thing.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow. What a day this has been. I was 
                         on TV, and, I'm a hero. 
 
                                     LIANE
                          Don't pick your nose, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         God damnit, Mom, I wasn't pickin' it! 
                         I have an itch!
 
               [End of Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods. The Cheesy 
               Poofs anthem plays]
  


Roger Ebert should lay off the fatty foods



Writers :   Trey Parker  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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