"SCOTT TENORMAN MUST DIE"
[Morning in South Park. Cartman is riding his Big Wheels down
the road, singing to himself. He soon reaches the bus stop. Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny are standing there]
Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya
Doodoo doot doo, dadada daa, heydy heydy heydy, how's it goin',
What the hell are you so happy about,
Oh, nothing. No big deal, really.
What's no big deal?
Well, guys, it seems that I am the first
one of us to reach manhood after all.
...What the hell are you talking about?!
Well, becuase, unlike you guys, I just
got my first pubes! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee!
(You got pubes??)
Pubic hair. He's saying he got his first
Oh. No you didn't!
Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a man!
You wanna see 'em?
Here, check 'em out.
We don't wanna see them, Cartman!
There, see?! How do you like apples!
Uh what are those?
I got 'em from Scott Tenorman.
Scott Tenorman? The ninth grader?
Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten
bucks. Ha ha ha! I got pubes 'fore you
guys did! I got pubes 'fore youuu guys!
Cartman, you are so Goddamned stupid
Don't be jealous, guys. This doesn't
mean we can't still hang out. It just
means that I matured faster than you.
You'll get your pubes guys, someday.
Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow
Uh oo what?
When you get old enough, you grow your
own pubic hair that's attached to you,
you fuckin' dumbass!
But then why would Scott Tenorman sell
me his pubes for ten dollars?
Because, retard, you're dumb enough
to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for ten
You're telling me these pubes are worth
Huh I'm gonna get that sonofabitch.
[a lavender house, day. Three teens sit on the front steps]
And so I told him, I said "Here. I'll
sell you my pubes for only ten bucks."
And this stupid asshole buys them!
Speak of the devil! What do you want?
Uh, yes, I've come to return these pubes
that I purchased, please?
Uh uh, I don't take returns!
Right, but you see, I didn't realize,
when I bought these pubes from you,
that you were full of shit! So you can
either give me back my ten dollars,
or I can go tell my mom on you!
You would actually tell your mom that
you were stupid enough to pay for my
pubes? Huh uh, I don't think soho!
Just give me back my money...
Buyer beware, dude!
Gimme my ten dollars, Scott!
Hehey, I said no! Now get your fat little
butt out of here before I kick your
[Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell]
Hello, sir, my name is Kris Kristoferssen.
I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect
ten dollars that you own in back taxes
You're not from the IRS! You glued my
pubes onto your face!
Tax evasion is a very serious offense,
sir! I suggest that you...
Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes
back for the money.
You will? Oh, cool!
How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah.
Ten dollars. You got change for a twenty?
Oh. Uh, lessee. I only got six dollars
and twelve cents.
Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just...
give me the six dollars. And then I'll...
give you the twenty.
Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give
you back two dollars.
Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll
give you the rest of your change back.
And then give me the twenty, and I'll
give you the pubes.
Sweet! Uh. Oh, God-damnit!
[Bijou movie house, later. The boys are going to see a "BIG WAR
That asshole! That big, smelly, ass-sniffin'
asshole! I'm goona get him!
Carman, can I give you some advice?
Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen
dollars and twelve cents. Count all
your losses and move on. He's smarter
Cartman! He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's
all! He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman!! But I'll get him someday!!
[the boys reach the box office and buy their tickets]
That'll be six dollars
O-kay, and how much is that in pubes?
We don't take pubes!
Listen, my money is as good as anybody's!
Don't you, uh, discriminate against
my people by not accepting these pubes
We don't take pubes!! End of story!!
[Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell again]
Scott, Scott! Courtney Love is in South
Park! She's all drunk and spreading
her legs and showing her poonanner to
everybody! You gotta go check it out!
I'll watch your house for ya!
Okay, I'll buy the pubes back! Here!
Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even
throw in an extra five! Here! Give me
back my pubes!
Wha-? Uh oo why do you want then back
I don't believe you.
Alright alright! The pube fair in Fort
They're paying five bucks a hair for
pubes! If I leave now, I can catch the
Five bucks a hair? The- that's like
a million dollars!
Hehere, take your money!
Hoho, I don't think so, Scott! I'm going
to Fort Collins myself!
Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo!
Haha, charade you are, Scott!
Have you no heart??
[Bus Terminal, day. Cartman stands in line waiting for a trip
to Fort Collins. People are boarding the bus]
Ahaaa, what a stupid asshole! Hahahahaha!
[Bus, evening. The sun has already set and Cartman is still on
the bus, en route to Fort Collins]
Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew!
[Fort Collins, night. Cartman gets off the bus and walks]
Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me,
Can you tell me where the pube fair
The pube fair?
Yeah, I have some pubes to sell.
There's no such thing, you little smartass!
No- no such thing?
Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Eric
Cartman, would you?
I'm Eric Cartman!
Well, I think this is for you.
[Scott's house, night. Cartman rings the doorbell again, this
time in the rain. Scott answers. Cartman is soaked with rain,
his beanie wrinkling]
A hundred and six miles, Scott. I had
to ride a hundred and six miles in the
back of a pickup truck... to get back
You really went? What a 'tard.
Alright, Scott, you win. I give up.
You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as
Yeah, I'll see you around. Sure is
too bad about my grandma, though...
Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your
soncern, since uh-... well, my grandma's
in the hospital. She's very sick. The
doctors say unless I can come up with
sixteen dollars for her operation, they're
gonna put her down.
Oh. Jeez, I-... I didn't realize that.
Yeah. Poor grandma...
Hey, kid... Hold on a second ah, ah,
I'll get yoru money.
Heheheheheh. He's such a douche, heheheheheh.
Here you go.
Oh, wow, thankts a lot, Scott!
But... just one thing before I give
it to you:
I just... well... I want you to beg
Just... get down on your knees and-
beg me for the money.
Do you want your grandma to live or
Please Scott give me my money.
Nono, get down on your knees. Lower
your head , and say "I beg you to give
me back my money."
I beg you to give me back my money.
Now say, "I'm a little piggy."
I'm a little piggy.
"Here's my snout."
Here's my snout.
"Oink oink oink."
Oink oink oink.
Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink
I'm a little piggy; here's my snout.
Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [Scott begins to laugh]
I'm a little piggy; here's- Aalrightalrightalright, now give
me back my money!
You mean this? You really care that
much about sixteen measly dollars? I
mean, what can you buy with sixteen
dollars?! My parents give me a fifty
dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance
means nothing to me. Watch.
What- What are you doing?? No!.. wuh...why?
Now you can't bug me for your dumb money!
Noooooooooo! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie!
[Cartman's house, cellar. The kids in class has been reunited
for something important. They're chattering amongst themselves]
Concerned citizens, I thank you for
coming. I know that you are all deeply
troubled and want to find a quick and
painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman
once and for all! Yes, Clyde!
Who's Scott Tenorman?
Scott Tenorman is an eighth grader who
sold Cartman his pubes for ten dollars,
and now Cartman's all pissed off.
Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He
is a disease. He is a cold calculating
mind, and I will have revenge!
Wuh what are you gonna do?
Did you guys see that movie Hannibal?
Where the deformed guy trained giants
pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well,
if we find a pony , we can train it.
Train it... to bite off Scott Tenorman's
weiner. It will be painful and humiliating!
Everyone will see it happen! And then,
Scott Tenorman will forever be known
as the kid who had his weiner bitten
off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!
What's in it for us?
Yeah, why should we all care about getting
Scott Tenorman back for you?
Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes,
why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's
just let Scott Tenorman walk away with
my sixteen dollars and twelve cents.
Hell, let's let all the Scott Tenormans
of the world take what's ours and laugh
in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves
when you can just walk out of here right
now and say, "It's not your problem."
But... years from now, when you're old
and have children of your own, what
would you give to come back and fight
this one day? This one day, when you
could have made a difference! Where
you could have told Scott Tenorman,
"You may take our pride, but you'll
naver take my Goddamned sixteen dollars
and twelve cents!!" Now who's with
Christ. Alright, I guess it's just
you and me, Timmy!
Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih.
[A barn, day. Cartman stands next to a scarecrow. He pulls out
a frank from a bag of weiners and places it in the scarecrow's
There we go. Come and get it. ...Come
on, pony, bite the weiner. Bite it.
Come on, good pony. That's it! Now,
bite it off! Bite off the weiner! Good
pony! Oh no, pony, he'll like that.
Eric! Are you training that pony to
No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite
someone's penis off.
Oh. Well, does Mr. Denkins know you're
usin' his pony? He shoots trespassers
on sight, you know.
He said it was okay.
Alright, then. Wait, why the hell are
you trainin' Denkins' pony to bite off
Because of Scott Tenorman! I hate him!
And I want to make him suffer!
Well, son, I think you have a pretty
stupid plan there.
Not like that, pony!
Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody,
you've gotta think like a hunter.
Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step
2: exploit that weakness.
How do I do that?
[Scott's house, night. Cartman appears in the bushes across the
street. He pulls out binoculars and checks out the various rooms
in the house. He sees Scott in his room, with Radiohead posters
on his wall]
What do you see?
I see Scott Tenorman. With his ginger
red hair and his stupid freckles and
his- Goaddmnit goddamnit I hate him!!!
No, young hunter. I mean, what do you
see? You must learn all you can about
Right, right. Let's see... There's posters.
Radiohead posters! And he's reading
a magazine about Radiohead!
Oo what's a Radiohead?
You know, that band that sings that
song: Well, I'm a creep. I'm a winner...
Mmuh what am I doing here?
Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned!
So, the subject is a big Radiohead fan,
huh? Maybe I should come up with a
li'l ol' scheme that involves them.
Nice thinking, young hunter.
I'm looking in Scott's parents' room.
Scott's mom's about to take off her
What?! Give me those! Holy crow, he's
right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin'
the twins out!
Mn let me see.
Radiohead. Yes, of course.
Dear God, they're bigger than I ever
Let me see. Let me see.
Here you go. Wow, those are great.
Maybe I should go grab some beers, Ned.
Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it?
Well, stop it!
Hey, what the hell are you doing out
Who's out there?
Ned, for Christ's sake, stop jackin'!
Don't think I don't see you! I know
who you are and I'm calling the police!
Whoa, I gotta get out of here!
[Scott's house, the next day. Cartman returns yet again and rings
the doorbell. Scott answers.]
Oh, hey, Scott. How's it goin'? I was
just wondering, do you like the band,
uh, Radiohead at all?
Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin'
a big interview on MTV, and they're
playing it tonight on a big screen downtown.
Everyone's gonna be there!
Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me.
You're welcome, Scott.
[Downtown South Park, night. Cartman stands on a small stage
as a crowd gathers. On stage is a big-screen TV and tower speakers]
Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is
here. Let's play the video, shall we?
Welcome back to MTV. We're here with
the members from Radiohead, probably
the hottest band in the world right
now. Guys, when is the next album coming
That's an interesting question, Kurt.
But first I'd just like to say that
I really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman.
He's stupid. Yeah, I hate Scott Tenorman
too. I think all the guys in the band
hate him, right guys?
Oh, Jesus, did you hear that, Scott?
And will there be a new tour?
Well, we would tour, but we just hate
that Scott Tenorman kid so much that
we don't want to. Yeah. Scott Tenorman
is totally not cool! He's not cool!
Wow, that really sucks for you, Scott.
Scott? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see
that? Scott mast have ran home so embarrassed!
Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That
wasn't really Radiohead talking! I just
dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA!
What a retard! And now everyone saw
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
it's time for the amazing Pube Boy!
I'm a little piggy; here's my snout.
Oink oink oink, oink oink oink.
Oh my God, he killed Kenny.
That does it! I'm gonna get Scott Tenorman
once and for all!!!
[That night, dark and stormy, appropriate for Cartman's mood
at the moment, Cartman's house. A boy possessed, he's in his
room devising a new plan. An evil look comes across his face]
Hueah. You think you're so cool, Scott
Tenorman? We'll see how cool you feel
after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!! Then...
that... Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is
the most genius plan ever!! Scott Tenorman
is going to wish he never met meee!!!
[Mr. Denkins' farm, next day. Cartman is back at the corral waiting
for his friends. Stan and Kyle walk up.]
Okay, Cartman, what do you want?
Stan, Kyle, thanks for coming. I have
it all figured out!
Got what all figured out?
How to get Scott Tenorman back!
I just finished planning a brilliant
li'l scheme that should put Scott
in his place for good! And if you help
me, I'll give each of you... two...
Okay, so what's the plan?
It's the brilliant combination of my
last two plans. Scott Tenorman's favorite
band is Radiohead, right?
So, I realized, "What if we got Radiohead
to come here to South Park?" right?
Then they could meet Scott Tenorman
— and — see him get his weiner bitten
off by a pony!
Don't you see? If I can get this pony
to bite off Scott's weiner in front
of Radiohead, then Scott would cry.
And if Scott cries, then Radiohead will
say Scott Tenorman is totally not cool!
And that would make Scott Tenorman wanna
die!! Okay, I'll keep working on the
pony, you guys go get Radiohead to play
here! Ready? Break!!
You're such a dumbass, Cartman.
...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys
just watch!! Ready, pony? Bite it!
[London Recording Studio, day. Inside, Radiohead prepares to
record. One of them is on the floor reading fan mail]
Thom, will you stop reading fan mail?
We have work to do.
Just a second, fellas. Listen to this:
My name is Eric Cartman. I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy
from South Park, Colorado. I am writing to you because of a kid
I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid
he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and
it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts
to visit him before he dies alone and scared. Won't you please
consider it? I don't think he'll make it past... next Tuesday
Wow, we have to go.
To Colorado? But we have an album to
Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor
kid has cancer! In his ass!
[Scott's house, day. A phone rings. Scott answers it in the living
What do you want?!
We just wanna warn you: Eric Cartman,
the fourth grader, is goin' tuh try
and trick you somehow into getting your
weiner bitten off by a pony who lives
at Denkins' ranch.
How do you know?
'Cause, we're his friends.
Thennn why are you telling me?
'Cause we hate him.
Well, we just thought we'd let you know.
[At the front door]
I was just stopping by to invite you
to my Chili Con Carnival. It's a chili
cook-off with rides. Everyone's coming,
and I wanted to drop by your invitation
Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds
Yeah! There is even gonna be a big
surprise, so you won't wanna miss it,
Scott.Oh, and here! Here's a coupon
good for one free pony ride!
Wow, a pony ride. Neat.
Oh, it will be very neat, Scott.
Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What
more could I want?
A little penis-biting, perhaps?
Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come
for sure then, Scott?
How can I turn it down?
Sweeet. Killer. Bye, Scott. Ohoho,
you are good, Eric. You are very, very
[back in the living room]
Mom, Dad, that was my good friend Eric
at the door? He told me that there's
a starving pony at Denkins' ranch that's
Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't
know how I can help it, because I have
a lot of homework to do.
: Well, don't you worry, Scott. Your
mom and I can go get the pony and have
it taken to an animal shelter.
We sure can.
Wow, would you really? I feel so much
Oh, Scott, you're such a loving, caring
boy. I'm so proud of you.
I'm proud of you, too, Mom.
Let's go, hon.
[In the kitchen. Scott is cooking up something... his friends
What are you doing, Scott?
What's it look like? I'm making chili.
Did you bring the goods?
We got everyone we could find to chip
in. There are pubes from just about
every single kid in town.
The little fat kid thinks he's gonna
get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how
he likes it when I tell him he just
ate the pubes of every kid in town!
[South Park, next day. The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing.
People have already arrived. Stan and Kyle walk up]
Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming
to my Chili Con Carnival!
This is the dumbest thing you've ever
Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Scott
Tenorman arrives. I suggest you stay
to see the fireworks!
Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss
What's so funny?
Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're
gonna get Scott Tenorman back. Is Radiohead
Not yet, but they will be.
I made some chili to enter into the
This is a chili cook-off, ain't it?
Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here,
Chef, just put it over here.
It's my special recipe.
Scott Tenorman!!! How are you, Scott?
Thanks so much for coming!
Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything.
Likewise. Well, come on, you've got
to see the pony!
Just a second: don't you- wanna taste
my chili first?
Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special
guest coming, and I want you to be near
the pony when they arrive.
Well I don't want it to get cold. I
think I can win first prize.
Alright, Scott, uh. Let's go over to
the judging table and we'll try the
chili first. Goddamnit!
[Cartman's house, the judging table. Cartman and Scott take their
seats. Behind Scott stand Butters, Kyle, Stan, and Scott's friends.
Behind Cartman stand Bebe, Clyde, and Token]
Alright, I guess we should taste each
other's chili, huh?
Huh, this chili looks pretty good.
Weh, here's mine.
Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is
pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine
is better. Try it.
Alright. Hey, this is great!
Eh, it's a special recipe
Gawh, this is really good, Scott!
I'm glad you like it so much, because
now that you're almost finished, I have
some'in' to tell you.
What? You mean about how you put pubes
in your chili?
Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili,
Scott. I switched it with Chef's. It's
delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on
that. What I did plan on, however, was
that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would
betray me and warn you that the Chili
Con Carnival was a trap. I assumed
that they would tell you that I had
trained Denkins' pony to bite off your
weiner. What they didn't tell you was
that Denkins is a crazy redneck who
shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing
that you would try and do somethng to
the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that
violent pony killers were in the area.
I also know that you wouldn't go yourself,
for fear of having your weiner bitten
off. You would most likely send your
parents. And, I'm afraid that when
Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property,
he shot and killed both your parents.
Well, they was trespassin' and I was
protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.
My... mom and dad are... dead?
I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins
giving his report to Officer Barbrady.
And of course, to steal the bodies...
After a night with the hacksaw, I was
all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival,
so that I could tell you personally
about your parents' demise! And of course,
feed you your chili. Do you like it?
Do you like it, Scott? I call it, "Mr.
& Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Oh my God! Oh my God!!
Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made
you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah
Jesus Christ, dude!
My mom and dad are dead! No! NOOO!!
Uhm, excuse me?
Who are you?
We're that band, Radiohead.
Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!
Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??
You know, everyone has problems; it
doesn't mean you have to be a little
crybaby about it.
Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is
totally not cool.
Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've
No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh
my Gaawwwd!! Noooo!
Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your
tears, Scott! Mm, your tears are so
yummy and sweet.
Dude, I think it might be best for us
to never piss Cartman off again.
Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness!
My-ymmuy. Mm-yummy you guys! Yuppitibut,
that's all, folks!
Scott Tenorman Must Die
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy