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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 504


                              "SCOTT TENORMAN MUST DIE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Morning in South Park. Cartman is riding his Big Wheels down 
               the road, singing to himself. He soon reaches the bus stop. Stan, 
               Kyle, and Kenny are standing there]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya 
                         da dadaa
 
               Doodoo doot doo, dadada daa, heydy heydy heydy, how's it goin', 
               guys?
 
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell are you so happy about, 
                         fatass?! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, nothing. No big deal, really.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What's no big deal?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, guys, it seems that I am the first 
                         one of us to reach manhood after all.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         ...What the hell are you talking about?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, becuase, unlike you guys, I just 
                         got my first pubes! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee! 
                         
 
                                     KENNY
                         (You got pubes??)

                                     KYLE
                         What's "pubes"?

                                     STAN
                         Pubic hair. He's saying he got his first 
                         pubic hair.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh.  No you didn't!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a man!

                                     STAN
                         He's lying. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You wanna see 'em?

                                     KYLE
                          Hell no! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Here, check 'em out.

                                     STAN
                          We don't wanna see them, Cartman! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         There, see?! How do you like  apples! 
                          HA!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Uh what are those? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         My pubes

                                     STAN
                         What??

                                     CARTMAN
                         I got 'em from Scott Tenorman.

                                     KYLE
                         Scott Tenorman? The ninth grader?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten 
                         bucks. Ha ha ha! I got pubes 'fore you 
                         guys did! I got pubes 'fore youuu guys! 
                         Ahahahahahahaa ha! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, you are so Goddamned stupid 
                         it's unbelievable.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Don't be jealous, guys.  This doesn't 
                         mean we can't still hang out.  It just 
                         means that I matured faster than you. 
                          You'll get your pubes guys, someday.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow 
                         them yourself!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh oo what?

                                     STAN
                         When you get old enough, you grow your 
                         own pubic hair that's attached to you, 
                         you fuckin' dumbass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nuh uh!

                                     KYLE
                         Yuh huh!

                                     CARTMAN
                          But then why would Scott Tenorman sell 
                         me his pubes for ten dollars?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Because, retard, you're dumb enough 
                         to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for ten 
                         dollars!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're telling me these pubes are worth 
                         nothing.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh I'm gonna get that sonofabitch.
 
                         
               [a lavender house, day. Three teens sit on the front steps]
 
               
                                     SCOTT
                         And so I told him, I said "Here. I'll 
                         sell you my pubes for only ten bucks." 
                         And this stupid asshole buys them! 
 
                         
                                     ANOTHER BOY
                         Oh man! 

                                     SCOTT
                         Speak of the devil! What do you want?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, yes, I've come to return these pubes 
                         that I purchased, please?
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Uh uh, I don't take returns!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Right, but you see, I didn't realize, 
                         when I bought these pubes from you, 
                         that you were full of shit! So you can 
                         either give me back my ten dollars, 
                         or I can go tell my mom on you!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         You would actually tell your mom that 
                         you were stupid enough to pay for my 
                         pubes? Huh uh, I don't think soho!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just give me back my money...

                                     SCOTT
                         Buyer beware, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Gimme my ten dollars, Scott!

                                     SCOTT
                         Hehey, I said no! Now get your fat little 
                         butt out of here before I kick your 
                         head in! 
 
               [Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello, sir, my name is Kris Kristoferssen. 
                         I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect 
                         ten dollars that you own in back taxes
 
                         
                                     SCOTT
                         You're not from the IRS! You glued my 
                         pubes onto your face!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Tax evasion is a very serious offense, 
                         sir! I suggest that you...
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes 
                         back for the money.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You will? Oh, cool!

                                     SCOTT
                         How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah. 
                         Ten dollars. You got change for a twenty?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh. Uh, lessee.  I only got six dollars 
                         and twelve cents.
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just... 
                         give me the six dollars.  And then I'll... 
                         give you the twenty.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Okay.

                                     SCOTT
                         Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give 
                         you back two dollars.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right.

                                     SCOTT
                         Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll 
                         give you the rest of your change back.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Cool.

                                     SCOTT
                         And then give me the twenty, and I'll 
                         give you the pubes. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet!  Uh. Oh, God-damnit!

               [Bijou movie house, later. The boys are going to see a "BIG WAR 
               MOVIE"]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That asshole! That big, smelly, ass-sniffin' 
                         asshole! I'm goona get him!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Carman, can I give you some advice?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen 
                         dollars and twelve cents. Count all 
                         your losses and move on. He's smarter 
                         than you.
 
               Cartman!	He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's 
               all! He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman!! But I'll get him someday!! 
               [the boys reach the box office and buy their tickets]
 
                                     KYLE
                         One please.

                                     STAN
                         One please.

                                     KENNY
                         (One please.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         One please. 

                                     CLERK
                         That'll be six dollars

                                     CARTMAN
                         O-kay, and how much is that in pubes?
 
                         
                                     CLERK
                         We don't take pubes!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Listen, my money is as good as anybody's! 
                         Don't you, uh, discriminate against 
                         my people by not accepting these pubes
 
                         
                                     CLERK
                         We don't take pubes!! End of story!!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Racist! 

               [Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell again]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Scott, Scott! Courtney Love is in South 
                         Park! She's all drunk and spreading 
                         her legs and showing her poonanner to 
                         everybody! You gotta go check it out! 
                         I'll watch your house for ya!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Okay, I'll buy the pubes back! Here!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          What?

                                     SCOTT
                         Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even 
                         throw in an extra five! Here! Give me 
                         back my pubes!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Wha-? Uh oo  why do you want then back 
                         so much?
 
                                     SCOTT
                         No reason.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't believe you.

                                     SCOTT
                         Alright alright! The pube fair in Fort 
                         Collins.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Pube fair?

                                     SCOTT
                         They're paying five bucks a hair for 
                         pubes! If I leave now, I can catch the 
                         last bus!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Five bucks a hair? The- that's like 
                         a million dollars!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Hehere, take your money!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hoho, I don't think so, Scott! I'm going 
                         to Fort Collins myself!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Haha, charade you are, Scott! 

                                     SCOTT
                         Have you no heart??

               [Bus Terminal, day. Cartman stands in line waiting for a trip 
               to Fort Collins. People are boarding the bus]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ahaaa, what a stupid asshole! Hahahahaha! 
                         
 
               [Bus, evening. The sun has already set and Cartman is still on 
               the bus, en route to Fort Collins]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew! 
                         Ow!
 
               [Fort Collins, night. Cartman gets off the bus and walks]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me, 
                         sir.
 
                                     MAN
                         Yes?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Can you tell me where the pube fair 
                         is?
 
                                     MAN
                         The pube fair?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I have some pubes to sell.

                                     MAN
                         There's no such thing, you little smartass! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No- no such thing?

                                     TEEN BOY
                          Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Eric 
                         Cartman, would you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm Eric Cartman!

                                     TEEN BOY
                         Well, I think this is for you. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

               [Scott's house, night. Cartman rings the doorbell again, this 
               time in the rain. Scott answers. Cartman is soaked with rain, 
               his beanie wrinkling]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         A hundred and six miles, Scott. I had 
                         to ride a hundred and six miles in the 
                         back of a pickup truck... to get back 
                         here
 
                                     SCOTT
                         You really went? What a 'tard.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, Scott, you win. I give up.
 
                         
                                     SCOTT
                         You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as 
                         I thought.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I'll see you around.  Sure is 
                         too bad about my grandma, though...
 
                         
                                     SCOTT
                         Your grandma?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your 
                         soncern, since uh-... well, my grandma's 
                         in the hospital. She's very sick. The 
                         doctors say unless I can come up with 
                         sixteen dollars for her operation, they're 
                         gonna put her down.
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Oh.  Jeez, I-... I didn't realize that.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. Poor grandma...

                                     SCOTT
                         Hey, kid... Hold on a second ah, ah, 
                         I'll get yoru money. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Heheheheheh. He's such a douche, heheheheheh. 
                         
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Here you go.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, wow, thankts a lot, Scott! 

                                     SCOTT
                         But... just one thing before I give 
                         it to you:
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     SCOTT
                         I just... well... I want you to beg 
                         for it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh?

                                     SCOTT
                         Just... get down on your knees and- 
                         beg me for the money.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why??

                                     SCOTT
                         Do you want your grandma to live or 
                         not?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Please Scott give me my money.

                                     SCOTT
                         Nono, get down on your knees.  Lower 
                         your head , and say "I beg you to give 
                         me back my money."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I beg you to give me back my money.
 
                         
                                     SCOTT
                         Now say, "I'm a little piggy."

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     SCOTT
                         Say it!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm a little piggy.

                                     SCOTT
                          "Here's my snout."

                                     CARTMAN
                          Here's my snout.

                                     SCOTT
                         "Oink oink oink."

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oink oink oink.

                                     SCOTT
                         Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink 
                         for me!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         

               I'm a little piggy; here's my snout.

               Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [Scott begins to laugh]

               I'm a little piggy; here's- Aalrightalrightalright, now give 
               me back my money!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         You mean this?  You really care that 
                         much about sixteen measly dollars? I 
                         mean, what can you buy with sixteen 
                         dollars?! My parents give me a fifty 
                         dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance 
                         means nothing to me. Watch. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What- What are you doing??  No!.. wuh...why?
 
                         
                                     SCOTT
                         Now you can't bug me for your dumb money! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Noooooooooo! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie! 
                         ...Damn youuuuuuuuuu!
 
               [Cartman's house, cellar. The kids in class has been reunited 
               for something important. They're chattering amongst themselves]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                          Concerned citizens, I thank you for 
                         coming.  I know that you are all deeply 
                         troubled and want to find a quick and 
                         painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman 
                         once and for all!  Yes, Clyde!
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Who's Scott Tenorman?

                                     KIDS
                         Yeah.

                                     KYLE
                         Scott Tenorman is an eighth grader who 
                         sold Cartman his pubes for ten dollars, 
                         and now Cartman's all pissed off.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He 
                         is a disease. He is a cold calculating 
                         mind, and I will have revenge!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wuh what are you gonna do?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did you guys see that movie Hannibal? 
                         Where the deformed guy trained giants 
                         pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well, 
                         if we find a pony , we can train it. 
                         Train it... to bite off Scott Tenorman's 
                         weiner.  It will be painful and humiliating! 
                         Everyone will see it happen! And then, 
                         Scott Tenorman will forever be known 
                         as the kid who had his weiner bitten 
                         off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's in it for us?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, why should we all care about getting 
                         Scott Tenorman back for you?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, right. Why should we care?  Yes, 
                         why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's 
                         just let Scott Tenorman walk away with 
                         my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. 
                         Hell, let's let all the Scott Tenormans 
                         of the world take what's ours and laugh 
                         in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves 
                         when you can just walk out of here right 
                         now and say, "It's not your problem." 
                         But... years from now, when you're old 
                         and have children of your own, what 
                         would you give to come back and fight 
                         this one day? This one day, when you 
                         could have made a difference! Where 
                         you could have told Scott Tenorman, 
                         "You may take our pride, but you'll 
                         naver take my Goddamned sixteen dollars 
                         and twelve cents!!"  Now who's with 
                         me?!! 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmay!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Christ. Alright, I guess it's just 
                         you and me, Timmy!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih. 

               [A barn, day. Cartman stands next to a scarecrow. He pulls out 
               a frank from a bag of weiners and places it in the scarecrow's 
               crotch]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         There we go.  Come and get it.  ...Come 
                         on, pony, bite the weiner. Bite it. 
                          Come on, good pony. That's it!  Now, 
                         bite it off! Bite off the weiner! Good 
                         pony!  Oh no, pony, he'll like that.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                          Eric! Are you training that pony to 
                         plese you?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite 
                         someone's penis off. 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Oh. Well, does Mr. Denkins know you're 
                         usin' his pony? He shoots trespassers 
                         on sight, you know.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He said it was okay.

                                     JIMBO
                         Alright, then.  Wait, why the hell are 
                         you trainin' Denkins' pony to bite off 
                         someone's penis?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because  of Scott Tenorman! I hate him! 
                         And I want to make him suffer!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Well, son, I think you have a pretty 
                         stupid plan there.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Not like that, pony! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, 
                         you've gotta think like a hunter. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whattayou mean?

                                     JIMBO
                         Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step 
                         2: exploit that weakness.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How do I do that?

               [Scott's house, night. Cartman appears in the bushes across the 
               street. He pulls out binoculars and checks out the various rooms 
               in the house. He sees Scott in his room, with Radiohead posters 
               on his wall]
 
                                     JIMBO
                          What do you see? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I see Scott Tenorman. With his ginger 
                         red hair and his stupid freckles and 
                         his- Goaddmnit goddamnit I hate him!!!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         No, young hunter. I mean, what do you 
                         see? You must learn all you can about 
                         your kill.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right, right. Let's see... There's posters. 
                         Radiohead posters! And he's reading 
                         a magazine about Radiohead!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Oo what's a Radiohead?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, that band that sings that 
                         song: Well, I'm a creep. I'm a winner...
 
                         
                                     NED
                         Mmuh what am I doing here?

                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         So, the subject is a big Radiohead fan, 
                         huh? Maybe I should come up with a  
                         li'l ol' scheme  that involves them.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Nice thinking, young hunter.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa!

                                     JIMBO
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm looking in Scott's parents' room. 
                         Scott's mom's about to take off her 
                         bra.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         What?! Give me those!  Holy crow, he's 
                         right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin' 
                         the twins out!
 
                                     NED
                         Mn let me see.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Radiohead. Yes, of course. 

                                     JIMBO
                         Dear God, they're bigger than I ever 
                         imagined!
 
                                     NED
                         Let me see. Let me see.

                                     JIMBO
                         Here you go.  Wow, those are great. 
                         Maybe I should go grab some beers, Ned. 
                         Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it?
 
                                     NED
                         Kinda.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, stop it! 

                                     MR. TENORMAN
                         Hey, what the hell are you doing out 
                         there?!
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Oh crap!

                                     MR. TENORMAN
                         Who's out there?

                                     JIMBO
                          Ned, for Christ's sake, stop jackin'!
 
                         
                                     NED
                         I can't.

                                     MR. TENORMAN
                         Don't think I don't see you! I know 
                         who you are and I'm calling the police! 
                         
 
                                     A MAN
                         Whoa, I gotta get out of here! 

               [Scott's house, the next day. Cartman returns yet again and rings 
               the doorbell. Scott answers.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, hey, Scott. How's it goin'? I was 
                         just wondering, do you like the band, 
                         uh, Radiohead at all?
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Uh huh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin' 
                         a big interview on MTV, and they're 
                         playing it tonight on a big screen downtown. 
                          Everyone's gonna be there!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're welcome, Scott. 

               [Downtown South Park, night. Cartman stands on a small stage 
               as a crowd gathers. On stage is a big-screen TV and tower speakers]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is 
                         here. Let's play the video, shall we? 
                         
 
                                     KURT LODER
                         Welcome back to MTV. We're here with 
                         the members from Radiohead, probably 
                         the hottest band in the world right 
                         now.  Guys, when is the next album coming 
                         out?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          That's an interesting question, Kurt. 
                         But first I'd just like to say that 
                         I really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman. 
                         He's stupid.  Yeah, I hate Scott Tenorman 
                         too.  I think all the guys in the band 
                         hate him, right guys?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Jesus, did you hear that, Scott? 
                         
 
                                     KURT LODER
                         And will there be a new tour?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, we would tour, but we just hate 
                         that Scott Tenorman kid so much that 
                         we don't want to.  Yeah. Scott Tenorman 
                         is totally not cool! He's not cool!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, that really sucks for you, Scott. 
                          Scott? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see 
                         that? Scott mast have ran home so embarrassed! 
                         Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That 
                         wasn't really Radiohead talking! I just 
                         dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA! 
                          What a retard!  And now everyone saw 
                         it! 
 
                                     SCOTT
                          Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, 
                         it's time for the amazing Pube Boy! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. 
                         Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. 
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh my God, he killed Kenny.

                                     CARTMAN
                          That does it! I'm gonna get Scott Tenorman 
                         once and for all!!!
 
               [That night, dark and stormy, appropriate for Cartman's mood 
               at the moment, Cartman's house. A boy possessed, he's in his 
               room devising a new plan. An evil look comes across his face]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hueah. You think you're so cool, Scott 
                         Tenorman? We'll see how cool you feel 
                         after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!!  Then... 
                         that...  Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is 
                         the most genius plan ever!! Scott Tenorman 
                         is going to wish he never met meee!!! 
                         
 
               [Mr. Denkins' farm, next day. Cartman is back at the corral waiting 
               for his friends. Stan and Kyle walk up.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, Cartman, what do you want?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan, Kyle, thanks for coming. I have 
                         it all figured out!
 
                                     STAN
                         Got what all figured out?

                                     CARTMAN
                         How to get Scott Tenorman back!

                                     KYLE
                          Oh, Jesus!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I just finished planning a brilliant 
                          li'l scheme  that should put Scott 
                         in his place for good! And if you help 
                         me, I'll give each of you... two... 
                         dollars. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, so what's the plan?

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's the brilliant combination of my 
                         last two plans. Scott Tenorman's favorite 
                         band is Radiohead, right?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         So, I realized, "What if we got Radiohead 
                         to come here to South Park?" right? 
                         Then they could meet Scott Tenorman 
                          and  see him get his weiner bitten 
                         off by a pony! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't you see? If I can get this pony 
                         to bite off Scott's weiner in front 
                         of Radiohead, then Scott would cry. 
                         And if Scott cries, then Radiohead will 
                         say Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! 
                         And that would make Scott Tenorman wanna 
                         die!!  Okay, I'll keep working on the 
                         pony, you guys go get Radiohead to play 
                         here! Ready? Break!! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're such a dumbass, Cartman. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys 
                         just watch!!  Ready, pony?  Bite it! 
                          Yes!! 
 
               [London Recording Studio, day. Inside, Radiohead prepares to 
               record. One of them is on the floor reading fan mail]
 
                                     JOHNNY
                         Thom, will you stop reading fan mail? 
                         We have work to do.
 
                                     THOM
                         Just a second, fellas. Listen to this:
 
                         
               Dear Radiohead,

               
               My name is Eric Cartman. I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy 
               from South Park, Colorado. I am writing to you because of a kid 
               I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid 
               he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and 
               it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts 
               to visit him before he dies alone and scared. Won't you please 
               consider it? I don't think he'll make it past... next Tuesday 
               around 5.
 
                                     PHIL
                         Wow, we have to go.

                                     ED
                         To Colorado? But we have an album to 
                         mix.
 
                                     THOM
                         Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor 
                         kid has cancer! In his ass!
 
               [Scott's house, day. A phone rings. Scott answers it in the living 
               room.]
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Hello?

                                     KYLE
                          Scott Tenorman?

                                     SCOTT
                         What do you want?!

                                     KYLE
                         We just wanna warn you: Eric Cartman, 
                         the fourth grader, is goin' tuh try 
                         and trick you somehow into getting your 
                         weiner bitten off by a pony who lives 
                         at Denkins' ranch.
 
                                     SCOTT
                         How do you know?

                                     KYLE
                         'Cause, we're his friends.

                                     SCOTT
                         Thennn why are you telling me?

                                     KYLE
                         'Cause we hate him.

                                     SCOTT
                         Oh.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, we just thought we'd let you know. 
                         See ya.
 
                                     SCOTT
                         See ya. 

               [At the front door]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello, Scott!

                                     SCOTT
                         Hey.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I was just stopping by to invite you 
                         to my Chili Con Carnival. It's a chili 
                         cook-off with rides.  Everyone's coming, 
                         and I wanted to drop by your invitation 
                         personally!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds 
                         great.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah! There is even gonna be a big 
                         surprise, so you won't wanna miss it, 
                         Scott.Oh, and here! Here's a coupon 
                         good for one free pony ride!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Wow, a pony ride. Neat.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, it will be very neat, Scott.

                                     SCOTT
                         Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What 
                         more could I want?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          A little penis-biting, perhaps?

                                     SCOTT
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come 
                         for sure then, Scott?
 
                                     SCOTT
                         How can I turn it down?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweeet. Killer. Bye, Scott.  Ohoho, 
                         you are good, Eric. You are very, very 
                         good. 
 
               [back in the living room]

                                     SCOTT
                         Mom, Dad, that was my good friend Eric 
                         at the door? He told me that there's 
                         a starving pony at Denkins' ranch that's 
                         been abandoned.
 
                                     MOM
                         Oh dear.

                                     SCOTT
                         Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't 
                         know how I can help it, because I have 
                         a lot of homework to do.
 
                                     DAD
                         :	 Well, don't you worry, Scott. Your 
                         mom and I can go get the pony and have 
                         it taken to an animal shelter.
 
                                     MOM
                         We sure can.

                                     SCOTT
                         Wow, would you really? I feel so much 
                         better now.
 
                                     MOM
                          Oh, Scott, you're such a loving, caring 
                         boy. I'm so proud of you.
 
                                     SCOTT
                         I'm proud of you, too, Mom.

                                     MOM
                         Let's go, hon. 

                                     DAD
                         Let's. 

               [In the kitchen. Scott is cooking up something... his friends 
               arrive]
 
                                     BUDDY 1
                         What are you doing, Scott?

                                     SCOTT
                         What's it look like? I'm making chili. 
                         Did you bring the goods?
 
                                     BUDDY 2
                          We got everyone we could find to chip 
                         in.  There are pubes from just about 
                         every single kid in town.
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Awesome! 

                                     BUDDY 1
                         Oh, dude!

                                     SCOTT
                         The little fat kid thinks he's gonna 
                         get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how 
                         he likes it when I tell him he just 
                         ate the pubes of every kid in town!
 
                         
                                     BUDDY 2
                         Yeah! 

               [South Park, next day. The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing. 
               People have already arrived. Stan and Kyle walk up]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming 
                         to my Chili Con Carnival!
 
                                     STAN
                         This is the dumbest thing you've ever 
                         done, Cartman.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Scott 
                         Tenorman arrives. I suggest you stay 
                         to see the fireworks!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss 
                         this. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's so funny?

                                     STAN
                         Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're 
                         gonna get Scott Tenorman back. Is Radiohead 
                         here yet?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not yet, but they will be.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, sure. 

                                     CHEF
                         Hello, Eric!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         I made some chili to enter into the 
                         contest.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What contest?

                                     CHEF
                         This is a chili cook-off, ain't it?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, 
                         Chef, just put it over here.
 
                                     CHEF
                         It's my special recipe.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Scott Tenorman!!! How are you, Scott? 
                         Thanks so much for coming! 
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Likewise. Well, come on, you've got 
                         to see the pony!
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Just a second: don't you- wanna taste 
                         my chili first?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special 
                         guest coming, and I want you to be near 
                         the pony when they arrive.
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Well I don't want it to get cold. I 
                         think I can win first prize.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright, Scott, uh. Let's go over to 
                         the judging table and we'll try the 
                         chili first.  Goddamnit!
 
               [Cartman's house, the judging table. Cartman and Scott take their 
               seats. Behind Scott stand Butters, Kyle, Stan, and Scott's friends. 
               Behind Cartman stand Bebe, Clyde, and Token]
 
                                     SCOTT
                          Alright, I guess we should taste each 
                         other's chili, huh?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh, this chili looks pretty good. 
                         Weh, here's mine. 
 
                                     SCOTT
                         Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is 
                         pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine 
                         is better. Try it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright.  Hey, this is great! 

                                     SCOTT
                         Eh, it's a special recipe

                                     CARTMAN
                          Gawh, this is really good, Scott!
 
                         
                                     SCOTT
                         I'm glad you like it so much, because 
                         now that you're almost finished, I have 
                         some'in' to tell you.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What? You mean about how you put pubes 
                         in your chili? 
 
                                     SCOTT
                         What?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, 
                         Scott. I switched it with Chef's.  It's 
                         delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on 
                         that. What I did plan on, however, was 
                         that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would 
                         betray me and warn you that the Chili 
                         Con Carnival was a trap.  I assumed 
                         that they would tell you that I had 
                         trained Denkins' pony to bite off your 
                         weiner. What they didn't tell you was 
                         that Denkins is a crazy redneck who 
                         shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing 
                         that you would try and do somethng to 
                         the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that 
                         violent pony killers were in the area. 
                          I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, 
                         for fear of having your weiner bitten 
                         off. You would most likely send your 
                         parents.  And, I'm afraid that when 
                         Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, 
                         he shot and killed both your parents. 
                         
 
                                     MR. DENKINS
                          Well, they was trespassin' and I was 
                         protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.
 
                         
                                     SCOTT
                         My... mom and dad are... dead? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins 
                         giving his report to Officer Barbrady. 
                         And of course, to steal the bodies... 
                          After a night with the hacksaw, I was 
                         all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, 
                         so that I could tell you personally 
                         about your parents' demise! And of course, 
                         feed you your chili.  Do you like it? 
                         Do you like it, Scott?  I call it, "Mr. 
                         & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
 
                                     SCOTT
                          Oh my God!  Oh my God!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made 
                         you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah 
                         nyah nyah! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Jesus Christ, dude!

                                     SCOTT
                          My mom and dad are dead!  No! NOOO!! 
                         
 
                                     THOM
                         Uhm, excuse me?

                                     STAN
                         Who are you?

                                     JOHNNY
                         We're that band, Radiohead.

                                     SCOTT
                          Jesus!

                                     ED
                         Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!

                                     COLIN
                         Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??
 
                         
                                     THOM
                         You know, everyone has problems; it 
                         doesn't mean you have to be a little 
                         crybaby about it.
 
                                     ED
                         Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is 
                         totally not cool. 
 
                                     THOM
                         Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've 
                         ever met.
 
                                     PHIL
                         Little crybaby!

                                     SCOTT
                          No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh 
                         my Gaawwwd!!  Noooo!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your 
                         tears, Scott!  Mm, your tears are so 
                         yummy and sweet.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I think it might be best for us 
                         to never piss Cartman off again.
 
                                     STAN
                         Good call.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! 
                         My-ymmuy.  Mm-yummy you guys!  Yuppitibut, 
                         that's all, folks! 
 
               THE END

Scott Tenorman Must Die



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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