"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 504
"SCOTT TENORMAN MUST DIE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Morning in South Park. Cartman is riding his Big Wheels down
the road, singing to himself. He soon reaches the bus stop. Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny are standing there]
CARTMAN
Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya
da dadaa
Doodoo doot doo, dadada daa, heydy heydy heydy, how's it goin',
guys?
KYLE
What the hell are you so happy about,
fatass?!
CARTMAN
Oh, nothing. No big deal, really.
STAN
What's no big deal?
CARTMAN
Well, guys, it seems that I am the first
one of us to reach manhood after all.
KYLE
...What the hell are you talking about?!
CARTMAN
Well, becuase, unlike you guys, I just
got my first pubes! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee!
KENNY
(You got pubes??)
KYLE
What's "pubes"?
STAN
Pubic hair. He's saying he got his first
pubic hair.
KYLE
Oh. No you didn't!
CARTMAN
Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a man!
STAN
He's lying.
CARTMAN
You wanna see 'em?
KYLE
Hell no!
CARTMAN
Here, check 'em out.
STAN
We don't wanna see them, Cartman!
CARTMAN
There, see?! How do you like apples!
HA!
KYLE
Uh what are those?
CARTMAN
My pubes
STAN
What??
CARTMAN
I got 'em from Scott Tenorman.
KYLE
Scott Tenorman? The ninth grader?
CARTMAN
Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten
bucks. Ha ha ha! I got pubes 'fore you
guys did! I got pubes 'fore youuu guys!
Ahahahahahahaa ha!
STAN
Cartman, you are so Goddamned stupid
it's unbelievable.
CARTMAN
Don't be jealous, guys. This doesn't
mean we can't still hang out. It just
means that I matured faster than you.
You'll get your pubes guys, someday.
KYLE
Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow
them yourself!
CARTMAN
Uh oo what?
STAN
When you get old enough, you grow your
own pubic hair that's attached to you,
you fuckin' dumbass!
CARTMAN
Nuh uh!
KYLE
Yuh huh!
CARTMAN
But then why would Scott Tenorman sell
me his pubes for ten dollars?
KYLE
Because, retard, you're dumb enough
to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for ten
dollars!
CARTMAN
You're telling me these pubes are worth
nothing.
KYLE
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Huh I'm gonna get that sonofabitch.
[a lavender house, day. Three teens sit on the front steps]
SCOTT
And so I told him, I said "Here. I'll
sell you my pubes for only ten bucks."
And this stupid asshole buys them!
ANOTHER BOY
Oh man!
SCOTT
Speak of the devil! What do you want?
CARTMAN
Uh, yes, I've come to return these pubes
that I purchased, please?
SCOTT
Uh uh, I don't take returns!
CARTMAN
Right, but you see, I didn't realize,
when I bought these pubes from you,
that you were full of shit! So you can
either give me back my ten dollars,
or I can go tell my mom on you!
SCOTT
You would actually tell your mom that
you were stupid enough to pay for my
pubes? Huh uh, I don't think soho!
CARTMAN
Just give me back my money...
SCOTT
Buyer beware, dude!
CARTMAN
Gimme my ten dollars, Scott!
SCOTT
Hehey, I said no! Now get your fat little
butt out of here before I kick your
head in!
[Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell]
CARTMAN
Hello, sir, my name is Kris Kristoferssen.
I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect
ten dollars that you own in back taxes
SCOTT
You're not from the IRS! You glued my
pubes onto your face!
CARTMAN
Tax evasion is a very serious offense,
sir! I suggest that you...
SCOTT
Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes
back for the money.
CARTMAN
You will? Oh, cool!
SCOTT
How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah.
Ten dollars. You got change for a twenty?
CARTMAN
Oh. Uh, lessee. I only got six dollars
and twelve cents.
SCOTT
Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just...
give me the six dollars. And then I'll...
give you the twenty.
CARTMAN
...Okay.
SCOTT
Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give
you back two dollars.
CARTMAN
Right.
SCOTT
Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll
give you the rest of your change back.
CARTMAN
Cool.
SCOTT
And then give me the twenty, and I'll
give you the pubes.
CARTMAN
Sweet! Uh. Oh, God-damnit!
[Bijou movie house, later. The boys are going to see a "BIG WAR
MOVIE"]
CARTMAN
That asshole! That big, smelly, ass-sniffin'
asshole! I'm goona get him!
KYLE
Carman, can I give you some advice?
CARTMAN
What?!
KYLE
Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen
dollars and twelve cents. Count all
your losses and move on. He's smarter
than you.
Cartman! He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's
all! He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman!! But I'll get him someday!!
[the boys reach the box office and buy their tickets]
KYLE
One please.
STAN
One please.
KENNY
(One please.)
CARTMAN
One please.
CLERK
That'll be six dollars
CARTMAN
O-kay, and how much is that in pubes?
CLERK
We don't take pubes!
CARTMAN
Listen, my money is as good as anybody's!
Don't you, uh, discriminate against
my people by not accepting these pubes
CLERK
We don't take pubes!! End of story!!
CARTMAN
Racist!
[Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell again]
CARTMAN
Scott, Scott! Courtney Love is in South
Park! She's all drunk and spreading
her legs and showing her poonanner to
everybody! You gotta go check it out!
I'll watch your house for ya!
SCOTT
Okay, I'll buy the pubes back! Here!
CARTMAN
What?
SCOTT
Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even
throw in an extra five! Here! Give me
back my pubes!
CARTMAN
Wha-? Uh oo why do you want then back
so much?
SCOTT
No reason.
CARTMAN
I don't believe you.
SCOTT
Alright alright! The pube fair in Fort
Collins.
CARTMAN
Pube fair?
SCOTT
They're paying five bucks a hair for
pubes! If I leave now, I can catch the
last bus!
CARTMAN
Five bucks a hair? The- that's like
a million dollars!
SCOTT
Hehere, take your money!
CARTMAN
Hoho, I don't think so, Scott! I'm going
to Fort Collins myself!
SCOTT
Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo!
CARTMAN
Haha, charade you are, Scott!
SCOTT
Have you no heart??
[Bus Terminal, day. Cartman stands in line waiting for a trip
to Fort Collins. People are boarding the bus]
CARTMAN
Ahaaa, what a stupid asshole! Hahahahaha!
[Bus, evening. The sun has already set and Cartman is still on
the bus, en route to Fort Collins]
CARTMAN
Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew!
Ow!
[Fort Collins, night. Cartman gets off the bus and walks]
CARTMAN
Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me,
sir.
MAN
Yes?
CARTMAN
Can you tell me where the pube fair
is?
MAN
The pube fair?
CARTMAN
Yeah, I have some pubes to sell.
MAN
There's no such thing, you little smartass!
CARTMAN
No- no such thing?
TEEN BOY
Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Eric
Cartman, would you?
CARTMAN
I'm Eric Cartman!
TEEN BOY
Well, I think this is for you.
CARTMAN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
[Scott's house, night. Cartman rings the doorbell again, this
time in the rain. Scott answers. Cartman is soaked with rain,
his beanie wrinkling]
CARTMAN
A hundred and six miles, Scott. I had
to ride a hundred and six miles in the
back of a pickup truck... to get back
here
SCOTT
You really went? What a 'tard.
CARTMAN
Alright, Scott, you win. I give up.
SCOTT
You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as
I thought.
CARTMAN
Yeah, I'll see you around. Sure is
too bad about my grandma, though...
SCOTT
Your grandma?
CARTMAN
Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your
soncern, since uh-... well, my grandma's
in the hospital. She's very sick. The
doctors say unless I can come up with
sixteen dollars for her operation, they're
gonna put her down.
SCOTT
Oh. Jeez, I-... I didn't realize that.
CARTMAN
Yeah. Poor grandma...
SCOTT
Hey, kid... Hold on a second ah, ah,
I'll get yoru money.
CARTMAN
Heheheheheh. He's such a douche, heheheheheh.
SCOTT
Here you go.
CARTMAN
Oh, wow, thankts a lot, Scott!
SCOTT
But... just one thing before I give
it to you:
CARTMAN
What?
SCOTT
I just... well... I want you to beg
for it.
CARTMAN
Huh?
SCOTT
Just... get down on your knees and-
beg me for the money.
CARTMAN
Why??
SCOTT
Do you want your grandma to live or
not?!
CARTMAN
Please Scott give me my money.
SCOTT
Nono, get down on your knees. Lower
your head , and say "I beg you to give
me back my money."
CARTMAN
I beg you to give me back my money.
SCOTT
Now say, "I'm a little piggy."
CARTMAN
What?!
SCOTT
Say it!
CARTMAN
I'm a little piggy.
SCOTT
"Here's my snout."
CARTMAN
Here's my snout.
SCOTT
"Oink oink oink."
CARTMAN
Oink oink oink.
SCOTT
Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink
for me!
CARTMAN
I'm a little piggy; here's my snout.
Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [Scott begins to laugh]
I'm a little piggy; here's- Aalrightalrightalright, now give
me back my money!
SCOTT
You mean this? You really care that
much about sixteen measly dollars? I
mean, what can you buy with sixteen
dollars?! My parents give me a fifty
dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance
means nothing to me. Watch.
CARTMAN
What- What are you doing?? No!.. wuh...why?
SCOTT
Now you can't bug me for your dumb money!
CARTMAN
Noooooooooo! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie!
...Damn youuuuuuuuuu!
[Cartman's house, cellar. The kids in class has been reunited
for something important. They're chattering amongst themselves]
CARTMAN
Concerned citizens, I thank you for
coming. I know that you are all deeply
troubled and want to find a quick and
painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman
once and for all! Yes, Clyde!
CLYDE
Who's Scott Tenorman?
KIDS
Yeah.
KYLE
Scott Tenorman is an eighth grader who
sold Cartman his pubes for ten dollars,
and now Cartman's all pissed off.
CARTMAN
Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He
is a disease. He is a cold calculating
mind, and I will have revenge!
BUTTERS
Wuh what are you gonna do?
CARTMAN
Did you guys see that movie Hannibal?
Where the deformed guy trained giants
pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well,
if we find a pony , we can train it.
Train it... to bite off Scott Tenorman's
weiner. It will be painful and humiliating!
Everyone will see it happen! And then,
Scott Tenorman will forever be known
as the kid who had his weiner bitten
off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!
KYLE
What's in it for us?
CARTMAN
What?
STAN
Yeah, why should we all care about getting
Scott Tenorman back for you?
CARTMAN
Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes,
why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's
just let Scott Tenorman walk away with
my sixteen dollars and twelve cents.
Hell, let's let all the Scott Tenormans
of the world take what's ours and laugh
in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves
when you can just walk out of here right
now and say, "It's not your problem."
But... years from now, when you're old
and have children of your own, what
would you give to come back and fight
this one day? This one day, when you
could have made a difference! Where
you could have told Scott Tenorman,
"You may take our pride, but you'll
naver take my Goddamned sixteen dollars
and twelve cents!!" Now who's with
me?!!
TIMMY
Timmay!
CARTMAN
Christ. Alright, I guess it's just
you and me, Timmy!
TIMMY
Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih.
[A barn, day. Cartman stands next to a scarecrow. He pulls out
a frank from a bag of weiners and places it in the scarecrow's
crotch]
CARTMAN
There we go. Come and get it. ...Come
on, pony, bite the weiner. Bite it.
Come on, good pony. That's it! Now,
bite it off! Bite off the weiner! Good
pony! Oh no, pony, he'll like that.
JIMBO
Eric! Are you training that pony to
plese you?!
CARTMAN
No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite
someone's penis off.
JIMBO
Oh. Well, does Mr. Denkins know you're
usin' his pony? He shoots trespassers
on sight, you know.
CARTMAN
He said it was okay.
JIMBO
Alright, then. Wait, why the hell are
you trainin' Denkins' pony to bite off
someone's penis?
CARTMAN
Because of Scott Tenorman! I hate him!
And I want to make him suffer!
JIMBO
Well, son, I think you have a pretty
stupid plan there.
CARTMAN
Not like that, pony!
JIMBO
Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody,
you've gotta think like a hunter.
CARTMAN
Whattayou mean?
JIMBO
Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step
2: exploit that weakness.
CARTMAN
How do I do that?
[Scott's house, night. Cartman appears in the bushes across the
street. He pulls out binoculars and checks out the various rooms
in the house. He sees Scott in his room, with Radiohead posters
on his wall]
JIMBO
What do you see?
CARTMAN
I see Scott Tenorman. With his ginger
red hair and his stupid freckles and
his- Goaddmnit goddamnit I hate him!!!
JIMBO
No, young hunter. I mean, what do you
see? You must learn all you can about
your kill.
CARTMAN
Right, right. Let's see... There's posters.
Radiohead posters! And he's reading
a magazine about Radiohead!
JIMBO
Oo what's a Radiohead?
CARTMAN
You know, that band that sings that
song: Well, I'm a creep. I'm a winner...
NED
Mmuh what am I doing here?
JIMBO
Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned!
CARTMAN
So, the subject is a big Radiohead fan,
huh? Maybe I should come up with a
li'l ol' scheme that involves them.
JIMBO
Nice thinking, young hunter.
CARTMAN
Whoa!
JIMBO
What?
CARTMAN
I'm looking in Scott's parents' room.
Scott's mom's about to take off her
bra.
JIMBO
What?! Give me those! Holy crow, he's
right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin'
the twins out!
NED
Mn let me see.
CARTMAN
Radiohead. Yes, of course.
JIMBO
Dear God, they're bigger than I ever
imagined!
NED
Let me see. Let me see.
JIMBO
Here you go. Wow, those are great.
Maybe I should go grab some beers, Ned.
Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it?
NED
Kinda.
JIMBO
Well, stop it!
MR. TENORMAN
Hey, what the hell are you doing out
there?!
JIMBO
Oh crap!
MR. TENORMAN
Who's out there?
JIMBO
Ned, for Christ's sake, stop jackin'!
NED
I can't.
MR. TENORMAN
Don't think I don't see you! I know
who you are and I'm calling the police!
A MAN
Whoa, I gotta get out of here!
[Scott's house, the next day. Cartman returns yet again and rings
the doorbell. Scott answers.]
CARTMAN
Oh, hey, Scott. How's it goin'? I was
just wondering, do you like the band,
uh, Radiohead at all?
SCOTT
Uh huh.
CARTMAN
Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin'
a big interview on MTV, and they're
playing it tonight on a big screen downtown.
Everyone's gonna be there!
SCOTT
Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me.
CARTMAN
You're welcome, Scott.
[Downtown South Park, night. Cartman stands on a small stage
as a crowd gathers. On stage is a big-screen TV and tower speakers]
CARTMAN
Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is
here. Let's play the video, shall we?
KURT LODER
Welcome back to MTV. We're here with
the members from Radiohead, probably
the hottest band in the world right
now. Guys, when is the next album coming
out?
CARTMAN
That's an interesting question, Kurt.
But first I'd just like to say that
I really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman.
He's stupid. Yeah, I hate Scott Tenorman
too. I think all the guys in the band
hate him, right guys?
CARTMAN
Oh, Jesus, did you hear that, Scott?
KURT LODER
And will there be a new tour?
CARTMAN
Well, we would tour, but we just hate
that Scott Tenorman kid so much that
we don't want to. Yeah. Scott Tenorman
is totally not cool! He's not cool!
CARTMAN
Wow, that really sucks for you, Scott.
Scott? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see
that? Scott mast have ran home so embarrassed!
Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That
wasn't really Radiohead talking! I just
dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA!
What a retard! And now everyone saw
it!
SCOTT
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
it's time for the amazing Pube Boy!
CARTMAN
I'm a little piggy; here's my snout.
Oink oink oink, oink oink oink.
STAN
Oh my God, he killed Kenny.
CARTMAN
That does it! I'm gonna get Scott Tenorman
once and for all!!!
[That night, dark and stormy, appropriate for Cartman's mood
at the moment, Cartman's house. A boy possessed, he's in his
room devising a new plan. An evil look comes across his face]
CARTMAN
Hueah. You think you're so cool, Scott
Tenorman? We'll see how cool you feel
after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!! Then...
that... Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is
the most genius plan ever!! Scott Tenorman
is going to wish he never met meee!!!
[Mr. Denkins' farm, next day. Cartman is back at the corral waiting
for his friends. Stan and Kyle walk up.]
KYLE
Okay, Cartman, what do you want?
CARTMAN
Stan, Kyle, thanks for coming. I have
it all figured out!
STAN
Got what all figured out?
CARTMAN
How to get Scott Tenorman back!
KYLE
Oh, Jesus!
CARTMAN
I just finished planning a brilliant
li'l scheme that should put Scott
in his place for good! And if you help
me, I'll give each of you... two...
dollars.
KYLE
Okay, so what's the plan?
CARTMAN
It's the brilliant combination of my
last two plans. Scott Tenorman's favorite
band is Radiohead, right?
STAN
Yeah.
CARTMAN
So, I realized, "What if we got Radiohead
to come here to South Park?" right?
Then they could meet Scott Tenorman
— and — see him get his weiner bitten
off by a pony!
KYLE
...What?
CARTMAN
Don't you see? If I can get this pony
to bite off Scott's weiner in front
of Radiohead, then Scott would cry.
And if Scott cries, then Radiohead will
say Scott Tenorman is totally not cool!
And that would make Scott Tenorman wanna
die!! Okay, I'll keep working on the
pony, you guys go get Radiohead to play
here! Ready? Break!!
KYLE
You're such a dumbass, Cartman.
CARTMAN
...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys
just watch!! Ready, pony? Bite it!
Yes!!
[London Recording Studio, day. Inside, Radiohead prepares to
record. One of them is on the floor reading fan mail]
JOHNNY
Thom, will you stop reading fan mail?
We have work to do.
THOM
Just a second, fellas. Listen to this:
Dear Radiohead,
My name is Eric Cartman. I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy
from South Park, Colorado. I am writing to you because of a kid
I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid
he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and
it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts
to visit him before he dies alone and scared. Won't you please
consider it? I don't think he'll make it past... next Tuesday
around 5.
PHIL
Wow, we have to go.
ED
To Colorado? But we have an album to
mix.
THOM
Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor
kid has cancer! In his ass!
[Scott's house, day. A phone rings. Scott answers it in the living
room.]
SCOTT
Hello?
KYLE
Scott Tenorman?
SCOTT
What do you want?!
KYLE
We just wanna warn you: Eric Cartman,
the fourth grader, is goin' tuh try
and trick you somehow into getting your
weiner bitten off by a pony who lives
at Denkins' ranch.
SCOTT
How do you know?
KYLE
'Cause, we're his friends.
SCOTT
Thennn why are you telling me?
KYLE
'Cause we hate him.
SCOTT
Oh.
KYLE
Well, we just thought we'd let you know.
See ya.
SCOTT
See ya.
[At the front door]
CARTMAN
Hello, Scott!
SCOTT
Hey.
CARTMAN
I was just stopping by to invite you
to my Chili Con Carnival. It's a chili
cook-off with rides. Everyone's coming,
and I wanted to drop by your invitation
personally!
SCOTT
Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds
great.
CARTMAN
Yeah! There is even gonna be a big
surprise, so you won't wanna miss it,
Scott.Oh, and here! Here's a coupon
good for one free pony ride!
SCOTT
Wow, a pony ride. Neat.
CARTMAN
Oh, it will be very neat, Scott.
SCOTT
Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What
more could I want?
CARTMAN
A little penis-biting, perhaps?
SCOTT
What?
CARTMAN
Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come
for sure then, Scott?
SCOTT
How can I turn it down?
CARTMAN
Sweeet. Killer. Bye, Scott. Ohoho,
you are good, Eric. You are very, very
good.
[back in the living room]
SCOTT
Mom, Dad, that was my good friend Eric
at the door? He told me that there's
a starving pony at Denkins' ranch that's
been abandoned.
MOM
Oh dear.
SCOTT
Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't
know how I can help it, because I have
a lot of homework to do.
DAD
: Well, don't you worry, Scott. Your
mom and I can go get the pony and have
it taken to an animal shelter.
MOM
We sure can.
SCOTT
Wow, would you really? I feel so much
better now.
MOM
Oh, Scott, you're such a loving, caring
boy. I'm so proud of you.
SCOTT
I'm proud of you, too, Mom.
MOM
Let's go, hon.
DAD
Let's.
[In the kitchen. Scott is cooking up something... his friends
arrive]
BUDDY 1
What are you doing, Scott?
SCOTT
What's it look like? I'm making chili.
Did you bring the goods?
BUDDY 2
We got everyone we could find to chip
in. There are pubes from just about
every single kid in town.
SCOTT
Awesome!
BUDDY 1
Oh, dude!
SCOTT
The little fat kid thinks he's gonna
get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how
he likes it when I tell him he just
ate the pubes of every kid in town!
BUDDY 2
Yeah!
[South Park, next day. The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing.
People have already arrived. Stan and Kyle walk up]
CARTMAN
Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming
to my Chili Con Carnival!
STAN
This is the dumbest thing you've ever
done, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Scott
Tenorman arrives. I suggest you stay
to see the fireworks!
KYLE
Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss
this.
CARTMAN
What's so funny?
STAN
Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're
gonna get Scott Tenorman back. Is Radiohead
here yet?
CARTMAN
Not yet, but they will be.
KYLE
Yeah, sure.
CHEF
Hello, Eric!
CARTMAN
Hey, Chef.
CHEF
I made some chili to enter into the
contest.
CARTMAN
What contest?
CHEF
This is a chili cook-off, ain't it?
CARTMAN
Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here,
Chef, just put it over here.
CHEF
It's my special recipe.
CARTMAN
Scott Tenorman!!! How are you, Scott?
Thanks so much for coming!
SCOTT
Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything.
CARTMAN
Likewise. Well, come on, you've got
to see the pony!
SCOTT
Just a second: don't you- wanna taste
my chili first?
CARTMAN
Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special
guest coming, and I want you to be near
the pony when they arrive.
SCOTT
Well I don't want it to get cold. I
think I can win first prize.
CARTMAN
Alright, Scott, uh. Let's go over to
the judging table and we'll try the
chili first. Goddamnit!
[Cartman's house, the judging table. Cartman and Scott take their
seats. Behind Scott stand Butters, Kyle, Stan, and Scott's friends.
Behind Cartman stand Bebe, Clyde, and Token]
SCOTT
Alright, I guess we should taste each
other's chili, huh?
CARTMAN
Huh, this chili looks pretty good.
Weh, here's mine.
SCOTT
Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is
pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine
is better. Try it.
CARTMAN
Alright. Hey, this is great!
SCOTT
Eh, it's a special recipe
CARTMAN
Gawh, this is really good, Scott!
SCOTT
I'm glad you like it so much, because
now that you're almost finished, I have
some'in' to tell you.
CARTMAN
What? You mean about how you put pubes
in your chili?
SCOTT
What?!
CARTMAN
Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili,
Scott. I switched it with Chef's. It's
delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on
that. What I did plan on, however, was
that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would
betray me and warn you that the Chili
Con Carnival was a trap. I assumed
that they would tell you that I had
trained Denkins' pony to bite off your
weiner. What they didn't tell you was
that Denkins is a crazy redneck who
shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing
that you would try and do somethng to
the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that
violent pony killers were in the area.
I also know that you wouldn't go yourself,
for fear of having your weiner bitten
off. You would most likely send your
parents. And, I'm afraid that when
Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property,
he shot and killed both your parents.
MR. DENKINS
Well, they was trespassin' and I was
protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.
SCOTT
My... mom and dad are... dead?
CARTMAN
I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins
giving his report to Officer Barbrady.
And of course, to steal the bodies...
After a night with the hacksaw, I was
all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival,
so that I could tell you personally
about your parents' demise! And of course,
feed you your chili. Do you like it?
Do you like it, Scott? I call it, "Mr.
& Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
SCOTT
Oh my God! Oh my God!!
CARTMAN
Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made
you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah
nyah nyah!
STAN
Jesus Christ, dude!
SCOTT
My mom and dad are dead! No! NOOO!!
THOM
Uhm, excuse me?
STAN
Who are you?
JOHNNY
We're that band, Radiohead.
SCOTT
Jesus!
ED
Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!
COLIN
Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??
THOM
You know, everyone has problems; it
doesn't mean you have to be a little
crybaby about it.
ED
Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is
totally not cool.
THOM
Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've
ever met.
PHIL
Little crybaby!
SCOTT
No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh
my Gaawwwd!! Noooo!
CARTMAN
Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your
tears, Scott! Mm, your tears are so
yummy and sweet.
KYLE
Dude, I think it might be best for us
to never piss Cartman off again.
STAN
Good call.
CARTMAN
Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness!
My-ymmuy. Mm-yummy you guys! Yuppitibut,
that's all, folks!
THE END
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