"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 306
"SEXUAL HARRASSMENT PANDA"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Mr. Garrison's classroom. The kids chat away as Token enters]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, chlidren. Let's take our seats.
We have something very important to
discuss. Due to recent events around
the country I've been instructed to
teach you all about sexual harassment
in school.
KYLE
About what?
MR. GARRISON
Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment
means? Yes, Eric?
CARTMAN
When you're trying to have intercourse
with a lady friend, and some other guy
comes up and tickles your balls from
behind.
MR. GARRISON
...No, Eric! That's not what I'm talking
about! The school board has sent over
a special guest to teach us all about
sexual harassment in schools. Please
welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment
Panda.
PETEY
Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
"Don't say that! Don't touch there!
Don't be nasty!" says the silly bear.
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong.
Sexual Harassment Panda.
Hi, boys and girls. [the class says nothing]
MR. GARRISON
Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!
THE CLASS
Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
CLYDE
Hababah.
PETEY
Did you know that when one little panda
pulls on another little panda's underwear,
that's sexual harassment? That makes
me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda
KYLE
This is freaking me out, dude.
PETEY
And when one little panda puts his
furry little willy in another panda's
ear, that makes me a very sad panda.
Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets,
and we're going to go through each and
every sexual harassment law.
THE CLASS
Awgh!
[Five hours later]
PETEY
"...Article 36, Section 19: One panda
may not make sexual comments about another
panda's appearance. If said panda does
make..."
STAN
Ogh, dude, get me out of here!
CARTMAN
I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
STAN
You would think that, you little ass-sucker.
CARTMAN
What did you call me?
STAN
An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass.
You see an ass, you suck it. You're
an ass-sucker.
CARTMAN
That does it! I am suing you for sexual
harassment!
PETEY
Uh-oh.
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
You have... sexually harassed me for the
last time! It says right here... that
now I can sue you and take all of your
money.
PETEY
That's right, he can.
STAN
No you can't, you little ass-sucker!
CARTMAN
Oh, you did it again! You all heard
him!
PETEY
"The first party of the first panda
may sue the second-party panda unless
that panda was said panda aforementioned
panda."
[South Park Courthouse, day. The Honorable Judge Julie presiding]
JUDGE JULIE
This is Cartman vs. Marsh, Case No.
3433. What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?
CARTMAN
Your honor, my lawyer is just parking
the car. He should be here any second.
KYLE
Dude! He got a lawyer?
KYLE'S FATHER
Sorry I'm late...
KYLE
Dad?!
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh! Hi, Kyle.
JUDGE JULIE
All right. Let's move this along, shall
we? Now, Eric Cartman, uh, you claim
that Stan Marsh sexually harassed you
in school.
CARTMAN
Th... That is correct, my honor.
STAN
Hoh, whatever!
CARTMAN
He talked about having oral sex with
my ass.
STAN
I called you an ass-sucker!
CARTMAN
Yes, that was it. I was suh-so upset.
I couldn't concentrate the rest of
the day. And the way his eyes kept looking
at me, slowly going up and down my body,
like he was undressing me with his eyes.
STAN
What?! Cartman, you call people names
all the time!
KYLE'S FATHER
As you can see, your honor, my client
is too upset to continue.
JUDGE JULIE
Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
STAN
Wwhat do you mean?
JUDGE JULIE
I need to hear your defense.
STAN
Uh... I'm eight?
JUDGE JULIE
All right, this seems pretty open-and-shut.
Stan Marsh, under the new Sexual Harassment
in Schools law, I am forced to find
you guilty.
STAN
Huh???
KYLE'S FATHER
All right, we did it!
CARTMAN
Hooray!
JUDGE JULIE
Since the defendant is under age and
has no monetary resources, it is the
judgment of this court that 50% of Stan
Marsh's belongings are to be handed
over to Eric Cartman immediately.
STAN
I have to give him half my stuff??
CARTMAN
Sweet!
[The Marsh house. Cartman is present with Gerald and a collector
in Stan's room]
CARTMAN
Let's see. I want that Clown Criminy
game , aand that Power Jim doll. And,
let's see... Do you really like this
remote-controlled truck?
STAN
Yeah, dude. That's my favorite toy.
CARTMAN
Oh, well, I'll just take that, then.
And what about this? Is this one of
your favorites?
STAN
Uh, no! I hate that toy!
CARTMAN
Oh, then you won't mind if I take it!
STAN
Damnit!
COLLECTOR
Here you go. As your legal fee you
can choose between the green choo-choo
or the squishy football.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hm. You know, Eric, I've been thinking,
uh...
CARTMAN
Uh-huh? That model airplane kit? Go
on.
KYLE'S FATHER
Uh, you know, the people really responsible
for your harassment is the public schools.
Perhaps we should sue them next.
CARTMAN
What? But uh, why should I sue the school?
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, because they're the ones that
let this harassment go on. And, they
have a lot more money. I think we could
get a lot more out of this than half
of Stan's belongings.
CARTMAN
Interesting. Ooo, Stan's asthma inhaler.
I want that!
[The courthouse, day. The gavel sounds. Cartman vs. South Park
Elementary, The Immediate Party]
JUDGE JULIE
Answer the question. Did you know that
sexual harassment was going on in the
classroom?
MR. GARRISON
No, I had no freakin' idea!
KYLE'S FATHER
Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition
of sexual harassment?
MR. GARRISON
Of course, and so does Mr. Hat. We do
not tolerate sexual harassment!
JUDGE JULIE
You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison,
not Mr. Hat.
MR. GARRISON
I'm sorry, toots.
KYLE'S FATHER
Did you, or did you not, hear my client
being called an ass-sucker?!
MR. GARRISON
Yes.
KYLE'S FATHER
And you did nothing.
MR. GARRISON
Well, he is a little ass-sucker.
JUDGE JULIE
Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that
we are in court!
MR. GARRISON
Okay, baby, I'm sorry.
[Later that day. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Responsible
Party]
KYLE'S FATHER
Principal Victoria, were you aware that
my client was being harassesd at your
school?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, not any more than any other student.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh! So you admit that harassment goes
on!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I don't know!
KYLE'S FATHER
You don't know?! You're the principal!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I can't be around every second!
KYLE'S FATHER
So it DOES go on!!!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
All right, all right, I killed him.
I hit him over the head and I cut up
the body. I tried to burn him, but it
wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it!
I put the legs in garbage bags and hid
the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO
IT!! OH GOD!!!
KYLE'S FATHER
Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman
called an ass-sucker? Yes or no?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I believe so, yes.
MAN
That's sexual harassment.
[The courthouse, still later. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary,
The Expert Witness]
KYLE'S FATHER
Last, I'd like to bring up my expert
witness: Sexual Harassment Panda.
PETEY
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
KYLE'S FATHER
Expert witness, did South Park Elementary
allow sexual harassment to go on?
PETEY
Well, when one little panda asks another
little panda to perform oral sex, that
is sexual harassment.
KYLE'S FATHER
And who's to blame?
PETEY
I'm afraid the law states that the school
must be held responsible.
KYLE'S FATHER
There! You have it! Straight from the
horse's mouth!
PETEY
Panda.
KYLE'S FATHER
Pan- Panda's mouth.
[Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Verdict]
JUDGE JULIE
After careful review, it is the judgment
of this court that South Park Elementary
pays Eric Theodore Cartman $1.3 million
in damages.
KYLE'S FATHER
All right! We did it, Eric!
CARTMAN
It's time to celebrate, yeah. It's time to celebrate, yeah.
[The Broflovski house. It is literally bigger now - 50% taller,
wider, deeper... Same with the garage, itself bigger than the house
to irs right. The icicles are also bigger. Furniture movers come
by with new furnishings for the new, big house. Two delivery
men take a big-screen TV into the house]
KYLE'S FATHER
That goes in the master bedroom. Well,
Kyle. What do you think of your new
house?
KYLE
It's... big.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yes, it is big, isn't it? It is very...
big.
KYLE
Dad, if the school has to pay you and
Cartman $1.3 million, where does that
money come from?
KYLE'S FATHER
Well Kyle, schools have lots of money.
You see, we all pay taxes, and part
of that tax money goes to public schools,
and it's from that money that we got
our 1.3 million.
KYLE
And you don't see a problem with that?
KYLE'S FATHER
No. It's a very fragile system that
nature has designed. All things flow
into each other.
KYLE
You're trying to confuse me now, aren't
you?
KYLE'S FATHER
Sort of, yeah.
[Mr. Garrison's classroom, some days later. The alphabet strip,
the poster, and the teacher's desk and chair are gone. Only the
chalkboard remains. Mr. Garrison enters]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, there's a few changes
being made here at school, but lessons
will go on as normal. Any questions?
Yes, Stan?
STAN
Where's our desks?
MR. GARRISON
Rright, ddesks. Well, a lot of cuts
had to be made since the school's funding
is short for lawsuits.
STAN
You see, Cartman? You see what this
has done?
CARTMAN
All I know is, I got this sweet digital
watch and these cool shoes; I'm telling
you guys, suing people kicks ass!
CLYDE
Wow! I wanna sue somebody!
BEBE
Me, too. I wanna get a lawyer.
THE CLASS
Yeah!
KENNY
(Woohoo)
MR. GARRISON
Well, let's just try to cope with the
changes and do our schoolwork. Now,
I'm gonna write a sentence on the board,
and I want you to tell me the noun.
THE CLASS
AAAAAAAH!
MR. GARRISON
I know, I know. I'm sorry, children,
but we can't afford chalk anymore. I
have to write on the chalkboard with
this rusty nail. Anyway, children, in
the sentence, "The ball is red..."
THE CLASS
AAAAAAAH!
[The offices of Broflovski and Jackson. Gerald is in his office
looking out the window. His briefcase is open. Music starts for
a commercial]
KYLE'S FATHER
Kids! Are you tired of being harassed
at school? Sick of being called a homo?
A farty-pants? A butt-... face? Then call
me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you close
the lid on sexual harassment in schools!
BEBE
After a boy in my class tried to put
his tongue in my nouth, I knew I needed
legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get
a $1.6 million settlement, and this
bright new shiny bicycle. Thank you,
Kyle's dad!
CLYDE
Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million, and
he can do it for you, too. Just look
at all these beautiful girls!
KYLE'S FATHER
So call me, Kyle's dad. Because it's
not about money, it's about... wait, what
am I saying? Call me!
SINGERS
Kids picking on you? Well, don't be
sad.
Just sue their asses with Kyle's dad!
["Call now! 1-555-SUE THEM"]
[South Park School Board meeting at South Park Elementary]
CHAIRMAN
All right, what other cuts do we have
to make to the school budget?
WOMAN
Uh, next we have Tom Morris. He plays
Sexual Harassment Panda at the schools.
CHAIRMAN
Oh, right. We certainly can't afford
him anymore.
WOMAN
I warn you, Mr. Evans, uh, Tom Morris
takes his job a little seriously.
PETEY
Hello, sexual harassment cubs.
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
MR. EVANS
Uh uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
PETEY
Who?
MR. EVANS
Uh. S-Sexual Harassment Panda.
PETEY
Oh, all right.
MR. EVANS
Uh. M-m-m-Mr. Morris, we at the school
board have been thinking, and, we've
decided that perhaps a "panda" isn't
the best way to explain sexual harassment
to children.
WOMAN
You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that
a panda doesn't really have anything
to do with... sexual harassment. At all.
MR. EVANS
...I'm afraid we're just going to have
to let you go.
PETEY
I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.
[The courthouse, day. The dominoes begin to tumble. Pip vs. Cartman]
JUDGE JULIE
Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of
this court that you sexually harassed
Pip Philip at school.
CARTMAN
No way!
PIP
I won!
CARTMAN
This is ridiculous!
JUDGE JULIE
You asked Pip to suck your... you know
what. You must give Pip half your stuff,
and the school must give Pip $1.6 million.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, dear God!
KYLE'S FATHER
Wow, I'm good!
JUDGE JULIE
Next!
[Craig vs. Wendy. They go to their respective podiums. The boys
have left]
CRAIG
This girl touched my thigh.
JUDGE JULIE
Half her belongings, school is sued
for 2.1 million.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
We're ruined!
JUDGE JULIE
Next!
[Mr. Mackey vs. Tweek. They go to their respective podiums.]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, your honor, this young man commented
on the shape of my ass.
TWEEK
Guh!
JUDGE JULIE
Half his stuff, 2 million from the school.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ogh!
[South Park Elementary, class time, barren classroom]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, let's all take our seats.
We have a lot to learn today. Oohh-kay.
Uh, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses
S. Grant was president?
CLYDE
Um.
KYLE'S FATHER
Don't answer that!
MR. GARRISON
Uh, Craig, how about you?
CRAIG
Um. Okay. I refuse to answer on the
grounds that it may incinerate me.
KYLE'S FATHER
Incriminate.
CRAIG
Incriminate.
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, I'm having a real problem
with you all having lawyers! Ir is really
disrupting class time! Uh huh. Ri-
oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight.
Kids, what I meant to say is that I
fully condone you all having lawyers
and support your legal recourses in
every way. Now, let's get back to Ulysses
S. Grant, if that's okay with you, uhum...
[Cafeteria. The boys are in line. At least the tables are still
there]
KEVIN
Let's trade sandwiches.
[The kitchen. The poster and menu board are missing, but the
counter is there]
CHEF
Hello there, children!
THE BOYS
Hey, Chef.
CHEF
How's it going?
STAN
Bad.
CHEF
Well, they're about to get worse. All
I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.
CARTMAN
Lumpy potatoes?! Oh, no!
CHEF
Sorry, children. All my funding's been
cut.
CARTMAN
Oh my God! You guys have to do something!
STAN
Chef, how can we stop all these sexual
assment lawsuits?
CHEF
I don't know, children. Why don't you
ask your dad? He's a lawyer, ain't he?
KYLE
I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't
want the lawsuits to stop. He's making
too much money.
CHEF
Well, somebody else has got to know
all about this sexual harassment whosafudge.
KYLE
Hey, what about that stupid panda?
STAN
Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. He's
the one that started all this. We have
to find him!
CHEF
Well, I hope you do. Otherwise, it's
lumpy potatoes from here on out.
CARTMAN
Noooo!
[South Park School Board meeting]
MR. EVANS
That's thrity-two more lawsuits in the
past twenty-four hours.
WOMAN
Oh my God!
MR. EVANS
Looks like we'll have to cut all counseling
and nutrition programs.
WOMAN
The children have started suing adults.
They could sue us next.
MR. EVANS
Holy smokes, you're right!
STAN
'Scuse me. We'd like to speak with
Sexual Harassment Panda, please.
MR. EVANS
Ugh! P-please! Don't sue us.
KYLE
Huh?
MAN
We'll give you anything you want.
STAN
We want Sexual Harassment Panda.
MR. EVANS
Oh! Well, uh... We had to let him go.
CARTMAN
What?!
MR. EVANS
D'uh. I mean, he left.
STAN
Well, where is he?!
WOMAN
We don't know! Honestly, I swear it!
Please!! Let us go!
STAN
What the hell is wrong with these people?!
[The Company]
COMPANY REP
Well. Uh, your credentials are very
impressive, and you do seem to have
a lot of ambition, uh but I'm afraid
there's no room for you at our comapany
at this time.
PETEY
It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
COMPANY REP
Well, ih it is because you're a panda.
Euh, it's because you're a sexual harassment
panda.
PETEY
I can't help what I am.
COMPANY REP
Now, have you ever heard of a retreat
called "The Island of Misfit Mascots?"
PETEY
Well, yes, but that place is for loser
mascots that make no sense.
COMPANY REP
Well, uh, yes. They may be... just what
you're looking for.
PETEY
I don't have to sit here and listen
to this! How would you like a big panda
punch in your puss?!
[SPECIAL REPORT
Sexual Harassment]
REPORTER
As sexual harassment lawsuits increase
all over the state, the mother of all
trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment
case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins
tomorrow. No matter what the outcome,
the public schools are sure to lose
at least a whopping $30 million. Representing
the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski,
the lawyer from South Park who plans
to make quite a commission. Representing
the side of Everyone Else is Gerald
Broflovski. So whatever the outcome,
things look very bright for Kyle's dad.
Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just
a whore, taking advantage of everyone
in town and... This just in! Newscaster
Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's
dad for slander. The newscaster has
yet to be reached for comment. Wait...
[South Park Bar. Cool Beer In Here. A jukebox plays. Petey sits
at the bar, and three unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study
him.]
JUKEBOX
Some days just seem lonely
Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight...
BARKEEP
Another scotch?
JUKEBOX
So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down
the highway...
STANDING PATRON
Hey! Panda bear! We don't take kindly
to your types in here!
BARKEEP
Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin'
nobody.
SKEETER
NO! I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda
Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous
areas of China and Tibet, how come you
eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only
in drier, more arid regions?!
BARKEEP
Sk-heeter, I don't want no trouble nu-how.
PETEY
It's okay. I get it. There's no room
in the world for pandas. Well, you don't
have to worry about me! I'm off to the
Island of Misfit Mascots!
BARKEEP
Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time
a panda bear come in here you gotta
go flappin' your jaw?
[The Broflovski house. Now it has massive front doors, five stories,
and a water fountain just to the right of the doors. The garage
itself is bigger than the house next to it. And the icicles are
bigger, too. More furniture arrives]
KYLE'S FATHER
Well? What do you think, Kyle?
KYLE
Dad? Don't you think our last new house
is big enough?
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, this one is BIGGER!
KYLE
Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone,
is gonna make things a lot worse! We
have to stop it!
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, let me explain something to you.
KYLE
Hoh God, here we go.
KYLE'S FATHER
You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal,
democratic society. And Democrats make
sexual harassment laws. These laws tell
us what we can and can't say in the
workplace. And what we can and can't
do in the workplace.
KYLE
Isn't that fascism?
KYLE'S FATHER
No, because we don't call it fascism.
Do you understand?
KYLE
Do you?
KYLE'S FATHER
Just look at how big this house is,
Kyle. Just look at it.
[While Kyle talks to his father, Stan, Cartman and Kenny go to
the bar. The three patrons are still there]
STAN
'Scuse me.
BARKEEP
Yeah? What can I do for you?
STAN
Somebody told us they saw a big panda
bear in here.
BARKEEP
Big panda bear, big panda bear, hm.
SKEETER
Hey! Eight-year old! We don't take kindly
to your types in here!
BARKEEP
Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't
hurtin' nobody.
SKEETER
NO! I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm
Eight Years Old here! How come you types
are always wearin' them funny padded
shirts in the winter?!
STAN
...Coats?
BARKEEP
Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
PATRON WITH HAT
We don't take kindly to your types
around here!
STAN
Dude, what the hell is going in?!
CARTMAN
Did you guys see a big panda bear in
here, or not?
SKEETER
We don't take kindly to panda bears!
STAN
Well, we don't take kindly to you!
PATRON WITH HAT
Well, we don't take kindly to folks
that don't take kindly around here.
BARKEEP
Kids, there was a panda bear in here.
He said somethin' about the Island of
Misfit Mascots.
CARTMAN
Where's that?
BARKEEP
If I'm not mistaken, it's over near
the Jenkins place.
STAN
Come on, we'd beter hurry.
SKEETER
Whoa! Look at her! Hey! Beautiful woman!
We don't take kindly to your types
around here!
BARKEEP
Nu-how, Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody.
[The courthouse, next day. Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone
is chattering in the audience]
JUDGE JULIE
This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone.
Representing the side of Everyone is
Gerald Broflovski.
KYLE'S FATHER
Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, Everyone has committed
a crime here, and Everyone must pay
for that crime. My client, Everyone,
has been hurt by this crime and must
be compensated.
[The Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune. The boys reach the front
gate]
STAN
"Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune."
This must be the place.
A WORM
Hello there, boys.
STAN
Whoa! Who are you?
THE WORM
I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly
Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know
not to stare directly into the sun,
right?
THE BOYS
Yes.
WILLY
That can burn your retinas and make
you blind.
STAN
...Thanks a lot, dude.
A PIG
Oink oink! Be sure to run around with
scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around
With Scissors" Pig.
CARTMAN
I thought you weren't supposed to run
around with scissors.
WILLY
That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit
Mascots.
STAN
Have you seen any panda bears?
WILLY
Hm...
A FALCON
Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the "Don't Hold
On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else
Uses A Fan Nearby" Falcon!
KYLE
What??
JIMMY
Here, watch.
KENNY
(You guys, come get this fucking magnet
noooowwww!) (Argh!)
JIMMY
See?
STAN
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards! Hey! There he is!
PETEY
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow
tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
[the boys rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]
STAN
Dude, are we glad to find you! You have
to come back to South Park, quick!
PETEY
Why?
KYLE
Because! Everyone is suing everyone
else, and you're pretty much the cause
of it all!
PETEY
Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
A BADGER
Hello, kidsh, I'm Happy, the "Don't
Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner
Ear" Badger. Well, I'll leave now.
STAN
Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People
listen to you. You have to get them
to stop suing each other.
PETEY
But, I'm just a panda.
KYLE
NO YOU'RE NOT, DUDE!! YOU'RE A GUY IN
A PANDA COSTUME!!
WILLY
Heeyy, I'm a real worm, pal!!
KYLE
Okay, sorry, sorry.
CARTMAN
You're you're a worm. That's that's
cool, that's cool.
STAN
Okay, yyou are a panda. But being Sexual
Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone
right now. You used to use your panda
powers to teach people about sexual
harassment. But now you need to teach
a new message. A new massage that people
will find useful again.
PETEY
What message?
KYLE
That people shouldn't sue each other
all the time.
PETEY
...You know? You little cubs might just
be right.
WILLY
Yeah!
PETEY
Okay!
[The courthouse. Closing arguments begin.]
KYLE'S FATHER
Your honor, I'd like to make my closing
arguments.
KYLE
Wait!
MR. GARRISON
Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
STAN
No! He's a whole new panda now, and
he's got something to say.
PETEY
Hello, everyone. I'm Petey, the "Don't
Sue People" Panda.
JIMBO
"Don't Sue People" Panda?
SKEETER
Hey! We don't take kindly to folks
that don't sue people 'round here!
BARKEEP
Nuhow, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
PETEY
Listen to me: when you sue somebody,
it hurts everyone. You sue for money,
but where do you think that money comes
from? From the schools, from taxes,
from the state. From you. There's no
such thing as free money. When you sue
somebody, you take money away from parks
and schools and charities, and put it
in your own pocket. And that makes me
a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.
BEARDED MAN
I'm a sad panda, too.
MAN 1
I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know
we were doing all that damage. This
is all that damn lawyer's fault!
MAN 2
Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!
ALL
Yeah!
KYLE'S FATHER
No! Don't you see? Th-the panda's right.
Boy, what a great message he has! When
you sue people, you just end up causing
a lot of problems for society. Uhwell,
I've really learned something today.
All I could see was the millions of
dollars coming to me and I didn't care
about where the money came from. Well,
I'm no longer doing sexual harassment
lawsuits in schools! They're too vague
and two easily corruptible. Thank you,
Sexual Harassment Panda!
PETEY
"Don't Sue People" Panda.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah, well, whatever, sooo let's... not...
sue anyone again. Okay, come on, guys.
Let's go get some ice cream!
PETEY AND THE BOYS
Hooray!
PETEY
Pandas love ice cream.
JUDGE JULIE
Well, seeing as we have no lawyers,
I'm throwing the case out! Case dismissed!
SKEETER
Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases
being dismissed around here!
BARKEEP
God damnit, Skeeter, shut the hell
up.
[Public Service Announcement]
PETEY
Hello, cubs. I'm "Don't Sue People"
Panda, with an important message for
you! Lawsuits damage our society. I
know it's tempting to make money, but
just remember: that money has to come
from somewhere. And usually, it ends
up hurting a lot of innocent people.
So, until next time, don't let frivolous
sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our
schools. Good-bye now.
[End of Sexual Harassment Panda]
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