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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 306


                              "SEXUAL HARRASSMENT PANDA"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker







               [Mr. Garrison's classroom. The kids chat away as Token enters]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, chlidren. Let's take our seats. 
                         We have something very important to 
                         discuss. Due to recent events around 
                         the country I've been instructed to 
                         teach you all about sexual harassment 
                         in school.
 
                                     KYLE
                         About what?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment 
                         means?  Yes, Eric?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         When you're trying to have intercourse 
                         with a lady friend, and some other guy 
                         comes up and tickles your balls from 
                         behind.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...No, Eric! That's not what I'm talking 
                         about! The school board has sent over 
                         a special guest to teach us all about 
                         sexual harassment in schools. Please 
                         welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment 
                         Panda. 
 
                                     PETEY
                         

               Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?

               Sexual Harassment Panda.

               Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?

               Sexual Harassment Panda.

               "Don't say that! Don't touch there!

               Don't be nasty!" says the silly bear.

               He's come to tell you what's right and wrong.

               Sexual Harassment Panda.

               Hi, boys and girls. [the class says nothing]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!
 
                         
                                     THE CLASS
                          Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.

                                     CLYDE
                         Hababah.

                                     PETEY
                          Did you know that when one little panda 
                         pulls on another little panda's underwear, 
                         that's sexual harassment? That makes 
                         me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda 
 
                                     KYLE
                          This is freaking me out, dude.

                                     PETEY
                          And when one little panda puts his 
                         furry little willy in another panda's 
                         ear, that makes me a very sad panda. 
                          Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, 
                         and we're going to go through each and 
                         every sexual harassment law.
 
                                     THE CLASS
                         Awgh!

               [Five hours later]

                                     PETEY
                         "...Article 36, Section 19: One panda 
                         may not make sexual comments about another 
                         panda's appearance. If said panda does 
                         make..."
 
                                     STAN
                         Ogh, dude, get me out of here!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You would think that, you little ass-sucker.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What did you call me?

                                     STAN
                         An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. 
                         You see an ass, you suck it. You're 
                         an ass-sucker.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          That does it! I am suing you for sexual 
                         harassment!
 
                                     PETEY
                         Uh-oh.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You have... sexually harassed me for the 
                         last time! It says right here... that 
                         now I can sue you and take all of your 
                         money.
 
                                     PETEY
                         That's right, he can.

                                     STAN
                         No you can't, you little ass-sucker!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, you did it again! You all heard 
                         him!
 
                                     PETEY
                         "The first party of the first panda 
                         may sue the second-party panda unless 
                         that panda was said panda aforementioned 
                         panda."
 
               [South Park Courthouse, day. The Honorable Judge Julie presiding]
 
               
                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         This is Cartman vs. Marsh, Case No. 
                         3433. What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Your honor, my lawyer is just parking 
                         the car. He should be here any second.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Dude! He got a lawyer?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Sorry I'm late...

                                     KYLE
                         Dad?!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh! Hi, Kyle. 

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         All right. Let's move this along, shall 
                         we? Now, Eric Cartman, uh, you claim 
                         that Stan Marsh sexually harassed you 
                         in school.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Th... That is correct, my honor.

                                     STAN
                         Hoh, whatever! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         He talked about having oral sex with 
                         my ass.
 
                                     STAN
                         I called you an ass-sucker!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, that was it. I was suh-so upset. 
                          I couldn't concentrate the rest of 
                         the day. And the way his eyes kept looking 
                         at me, slowly going up and down my body, 
                         like he was undressing me with his eyes. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         What?! Cartman, you call people names 
                         all the time!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         As you can see, your honor, my client 
                         is too upset to continue.
 
                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Wwhat do you mean?

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         I need to hear your defense.

                                     STAN
                         Uh... I'm eight?

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         All right, this seems pretty open-and-shut. 
                         Stan Marsh, under the new Sexual Harassment 
                         in Schools law, I am forced to find 
                         you guilty.
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh???

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         All right, we did it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hooray!

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Since the defendant is under age and 
                         has no monetary resources, it is the 
                         judgment of this court that 50% of Stan 
                         Marsh's belongings are to be handed 
                         over to Eric Cartman immediately.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I have to give him half my stuff??
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet!

               [The Marsh house. Cartman is present with Gerald and a collector 
               in Stan's room]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Let's see. I want that Clown Criminy 
                         game , aand that Power Jim doll.  And, 
                         let's see...  Do you really like this 
                         remote-controlled truck?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude. That's my favorite toy.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, well, I'll just take that, then. 
                          And what about this? Is this one of 
                         your favorites?
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh, no! I hate that toy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, then you won't mind if I take it! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Damnit!

                                     COLLECTOR
                          Here you go. As your legal fee you 
                         can choose between the green choo-choo 
                         or the squishy football.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hm.  You know, Eric, I've been thinking, 
                         uh...
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh-huh? That model airplane kit? Go 
                         on.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Uh, you know, the people really responsible 
                         for your harassment is the public schools. 
                          Perhaps we should sue them next.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What? But uh, why should I sue the school?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, because they're the ones that 
                         let this harassment go on. And, they 
                         have a lot more money. I think we could 
                         get a lot more out of this than half 
                         of Stan's belongings.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Interesting.  Ooo, Stan's asthma inhaler. 
                         I want that! 
 
               [The courthouse, day. The gavel sounds. Cartman vs. South Park 
               Elementary, The Immediate Party]
 
                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Answer the question. Did you know that 
                         sexual harassment was going on in the 
                         classroom?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, I had no freakin' idea!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition 
                         of sexual harassment?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Of course, and so does Mr. Hat. We do 
                         not tolerate sexual harassment!
 
                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, 
                         not Mr. Hat.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'm sorry, toots.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Did you, or did you not, hear my client 
                         being called an ass-sucker?!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         And you did nothing.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, he is a little ass-sucker. 

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                          Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that 
                         we are in court!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, baby, I'm sorry.

               [Later that day. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Responsible 
               Party]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Principal Victoria, were you aware that 
                         my client was being harassesd at your 
                         school?
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, not any more than any other student.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh! So you admit that harassment goes 
                         on!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         I don't know!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You don't know?! You're the principal!
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         I can't be around every second!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          So it DOES go on!!!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         All right, all right, I killed him. 
                         I hit him over the head and I cut up 
                         the body. I tried to burn him, but it 
                         wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! 
                         I put the legs in garbage bags and hid 
                         the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO 
                         IT!!  OH GOD!!!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman 
                         called an ass-sucker? Yes or no?
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          I believe so, yes. 

                                     MAN
                         That's sexual harassment.

               [The courthouse, still later. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, 
               The Expert Witness]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Last, I'd like to bring up my expert 
                         witness: Sexual Harassment Panda.
 
                         
                                     PETEY
                         

               Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?

               Sexual Harassment Panda.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Expert witness, did South Park Elementary 
                         allow sexual harassment to go on?
 
                         
                                     PETEY
                         Well, when one little panda asks another 
                         little panda to perform oral sex, that 
                         is sexual harassment.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         And who's to blame?

                                     PETEY
                         I'm afraid the law states that the school 
                         must be held responsible.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         There! You have it! Straight from the 
                         horse's mouth!
 
                                     PETEY
                         Panda.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Pan- Panda's mouth.

               [Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Verdict]

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         After careful review, it is the judgment 
                         of this court that South Park Elementary 
                         pays Eric Theodore Cartman $1.3 million 
                         in damages.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         All right! We did it, Eric!

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               It's time to celebrate, yeah. It's time to celebrate, yeah.
 
               
               [The Broflovski house. It is literally bigger now - 50% taller, 
               wider, deeper... Same with the garage, itself bigger than the house 
               to irs right. The icicles are also bigger. Furniture movers come 
               by with new furnishings for the new, big house. Two delivery 
               men take a big-screen TV into the house]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         That goes in the master bedroom.  Well, 
                         Kyle. What do you think of your new 
                         house?
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's... big.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yes, it is big, isn't it? It is very... 
                         big.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dad, if the school has to pay you and 
                         Cartman $1.3 million, where does that 
                         money come from?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well Kyle, schools have lots of money. 
                         You see, we all pay taxes, and part 
                         of that tax money goes to public schools, 
                         and it's from that money that we got 
                         our 1.3 million.
 
                                     KYLE
                          And you don't see a problem with that?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         No. It's a very fragile system that 
                         nature has designed. All things flow 
                         into each other.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're trying to confuse me now, aren't 
                         you?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Sort of, yeah.

               [Mr. Garrison's classroom, some days later. The alphabet strip, 
               the poster, and the teacher's desk and chair are gone. Only the 
               chalkboard remains. Mr. Garrison enters]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, there's a few changes 
                         being made here at school, but lessons 
                         will go on as normal. Any questions? 
                          Yes, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                         Where's our desks?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Rright, ddesks. Well, a lot of cuts 
                         had to be made since the school's funding 
                         is short for lawsuits.
 
                                     STAN
                          You see, Cartman? You see what this 
                         has done?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All I know is, I got this sweet digital 
                         watch and these cool shoes; I'm telling 
                         you guys, suing people kicks ass!
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         Wow! I wanna sue somebody! 

                                     BEBE
                         Me, too. I wanna get a lawyer.

                                     THE CLASS
                         Yeah!

                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo)

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, let's just try to cope with the 
                         changes and do our schoolwork. Now, 
                         I'm gonna write a sentence on the board, 
                         and I want you to tell me the noun. 
                         
 
                                     THE CLASS
                          AAAAAAAH!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I know, I know. I'm sorry, children, 
                         but we can't afford chalk anymore. I 
                         have to write on the chalkboard with 
                         this rusty nail. Anyway, children, in 
                         the sentence, "The ball is red..." 
 
                         
                                     THE CLASS
                          AAAAAAAH!

               [The offices of Broflovski and Jackson. Gerald is in his office 
               looking out the window. His briefcase is open. Music starts for 
               a commercial]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Kids! Are you tired of being harassed 
                         at school? Sick of being called a homo? 
                         A farty-pants? A butt-... face? Then call 
                         me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you  close 
                         the lid on sexual harassment in schools!
 
                         
                                     BEBE
                          After a boy in my class tried to put 
                         his tongue in my nouth, I knew I needed 
                         legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get 
                         a $1.6 million settlement, and this 
                         bright new shiny bicycle. Thank you, 
                         Kyle's dad! 
 
                                     CLYDE
                          Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million, and 
                         he can do it for you, too. Just look 
                         at all these beautiful girls! 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         So call me, Kyle's dad. Because it's 
                         not about money, it's about... wait, what 
                         am I saying? Call me! 
 
                                     SINGERS
                         Kids picking on you? Well, don't be 
                         sad.
 
               Just sue their asses with Kyle's dad!

               ["Call now! 1-555-SUE THEM"]

               [South Park School Board meeting at South Park Elementary]

                                     CHAIRMAN
                         All right, what other cuts do we have 
                         to make to the school budget?
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Uh, next we have Tom Morris. He plays 
                         Sexual Harassment Panda at the schools.
 
                         
                                     CHAIRMAN
                         Oh, right. We certainly can't afford 
                         him anymore.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         I warn you, Mr. Evans, uh, Tom Morris 
                         takes his job a little seriously.
 
                         
                                     PETEY
                          Hello, sexual harassment cubs.

               Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?

               Sexual Harassment Panda.

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Uh uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.

                                     PETEY
                         Who?

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Uh. S-Sexual Harassment Panda.

                                     PETEY
                         Oh, all right. 

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Uh. M-m-m-Mr. Morris, we at the school 
                         board have been thinking, and, we've 
                         decided that perhaps a "panda" isn't 
                         the best way to explain sexual harassment 
                         to children. 
 
                                     WOMAN
                         You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that 
                         a panda doesn't really have anything 
                         to do with... sexual harassment.  At all.
 
                         
                                     MR. EVANS
                         ...I'm afraid we're just going to have 
                         to let you go.
 
                                     PETEY
                          I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.

               [The courthouse, day. The dominoes begin to tumble. Pip vs. Cartman]
 
               
                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of 
                         this court that you sexually harassed 
                         Pip Philip at school.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way!

                                     PIP
                         I won!

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is ridiculous!

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         You asked Pip to suck your... you know 
                         what. You must give Pip half your stuff, 
                         and the school must give Pip $1.6 million.
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Oh, dear God!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Wow, I'm good!

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Next!

               [Craig vs. Wendy. They go to their respective podiums. The boys 
               have left]
 
                                     CRAIG
                         This girl touched my thigh.

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Half her belongings, school is sued 
                         for 2.1 million.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         We're ruined!

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Next!

               [Mr. Mackey vs. Tweek. They go to their respective podiums.]
 
               
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, your honor, this young man commented 
                         on the shape of my ass.
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Guh!

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Half his stuff, 2 million from the school.
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Ogh! 

               [South Park Elementary, class time, barren classroom]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, let's all take our seats. 
                         We have a lot to learn today.  Oohh-kay. 
                         Uh, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses 
                         S. Grant was president?
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Um.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Don't answer that!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Uh, Craig, how about you?

                                     CRAIG
                         Um.  Okay. I refuse to answer on the 
                         grounds that it may incinerate me.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Incriminate.

                                     CRAIG
                         Incriminate.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Okay, children, I'm having a real problem 
                         with you all having lawyers! Ir is really 
                         disrupting class time!  Uh huh. Ri- 
                         oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight. 
                          Kids, what I meant to say is that I 
                         fully condone you all having lawyers 
                         and support your legal recourses in 
                         every way. Now, let's get back to Ulysses 
                         S. Grant, if that's okay with you, uhum...
 
                         
               [Cafeteria. The boys are in line. At least the tables are still 
               there]
 
                                     KEVIN
                          Let's trade sandwiches.

               [The kitchen. The poster and menu board are missing, but the 
               counter is there]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children!

                                     THE BOYS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How's it going?

                                     STAN
                         Bad.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, they're about to get worse. All 
                         I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Lumpy potatoes?! Oh, no!

                                     CHEF
                         Sorry, children. All my funding's been 
                         cut.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God! You guys have to do something!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Chef, how can we stop all these sexual 
                         assment lawsuits?
 
                                     CHEF
                         I don't know, children.  Why don't you 
                         ask your dad? He's a lawyer, ain't he?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't 
                         want the lawsuits to stop. He's making 
                         too much money.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, somebody else has got to know 
                         all about this sexual harassment whosafudge.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, what about that stupid panda?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. He's 
                         the one that started all this. We have 
                         to find him!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, I hope you do. Otherwise, it's 
                         lumpy potatoes from here on out.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Noooo! 

               [South Park School Board meeting]

                                     MR. EVANS
                         That's thrity-two more lawsuits in the 
                         past twenty-four hours.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Oh my God!

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Looks like we'll have to cut all counseling 
                         and nutrition programs.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         The children have started suing adults. 
                         They could sue us next.
 
                                     MR. EVANS
                         Holy smokes, you're right!

                                     STAN
                          'Scuse me. We'd like to speak with 
                         Sexual Harassment Panda, please.
 
                                     MR. EVANS
                         Ugh!  P-please! Don't sue us.

                                     KYLE
                          Huh?

                                     MAN
                         We'll give you anything you want.

                                     STAN
                         We want Sexual Harassment Panda.

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Oh! Well, uh... We had to let him go.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     MR. EVANS
                          D'uh. I mean, he left.

                                     STAN
                         Well, where is he?!

                                     WOMAN
                         We don't know! Honestly, I swear it! 
                         Please!! Let us go!
 
                                     STAN
                         What the hell is wrong with these people?!
 
                         
               [The Company]

                                     COMPANY REP
                         Well. Uh, your credentials are very 
                         impressive, and you do seem to have 
                         a lot of ambition, uh but I'm afraid 
                         there's no room for you at our comapany 
                         at this time.
 
                                     PETEY
                         It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
 
                         
                                     COMPANY REP
                         Well, ih it is because you're a panda. 
                         Euh, it's because you're a sexual harassment 
                         panda.
 
                                     PETEY
                         I can't help what I am.

                                     COMPANY REP
                         Now, have you ever heard of a retreat 
                         called "The Island of Misfit Mascots?"
 
                         
                                     PETEY
                         Well, yes, but that place is for loser 
                         mascots that make no sense.
 
                                     COMPANY REP
                         Well, uh, yes. They may be... just what 
                         you're looking for.
 
                                     PETEY
                         I don't have to sit here and listen 
                         to this! How would you like a big panda 
                         punch in your puss?!
 
                                     [SPECIAL REPORT
                         Sexual Harassment]

                                     REPORTER
                         As sexual harassment lawsuits increase 
                         all over the state, the mother of all 
                         trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment 
                         case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins 
                         tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, 
                         the public schools are sure to lose 
                         at least a whopping $30 million. Representing 
                         the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski, 
                         the lawyer from South Park who plans 
                         to make quite a commission. Representing 
                         the side of Everyone Else is Gerald 
                         Broflovski. So whatever the outcome, 
                         things look very bright for Kyle's dad. 
                         Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just 
                         a whore, taking advantage of everyone 
                         in town and...  This just in! Newscaster 
                         Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's 
                         dad for slander. The newscaster has 
                         yet to be reached for comment. Wait...
 
                         
               [South Park Bar. Cool Beer In Here. A jukebox plays. Petey sits 
               at the bar, and three unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study 
               him.]
 
                                     JUKEBOX
                         Some days just seem lonely

               Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight...

                                     BARKEEP
                         Another scotch? 

                                     JUKEBOX
                         So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down 
                         the highway...
 
                                     STANDING PATRON
                         Hey! Panda bear!  We don't take kindly 
                         to your types in here!
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' 
                         nobody.
 
                                     SKEETER
                         NO!  I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda 
                         Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous 
                         areas of China and Tibet, how come you 
                         eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only 
                         in drier, more arid regions?! 
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         Sk-heeter, I don't want no trouble nu-how.
 
                         
                                     PETEY
                         It's okay. I get it. There's no room 
                         in the world for pandas. Well, you don't 
                         have to worry about me! I'm off to the 
                         Island of Misfit Mascots! 
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time 
                         a panda bear come in here you gotta 
                         go flappin' your jaw?
 
               [The Broflovski house. Now it has massive front doors, five stories, 
               and a water fountain just to the right of the doors. The garage 
               itself is bigger than the house next to it. And the icicles are 
               bigger, too. More furniture arrives]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Well? What do you think, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         Dad? Don't you think our last new house 
                         is big enough?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, this one is BIGGER!

                                     KYLE
                         Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone, 
                         is gonna make things a lot worse! We 
                         have to stop it!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Kyle, let me explain something to you.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Hoh God, here we go.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, 
                         democratic society. And Democrats make 
                         sexual harassment laws. These laws tell 
                         us what we can and can't say in the 
                         workplace. And what we can and can't 
                         do in the workplace.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Isn't that fascism?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         No, because we don't call it fascism. 
                         Do you understand?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Just look at how big this house is, 
                         Kyle. Just look at it.
 
               [While Kyle talks to his father, Stan, Cartman and Kenny go to 
               the bar. The three patrons are still there]
 
                                     STAN
                          'Scuse me.

                                     BARKEEP
                         Yeah? What can I do for you?

                                     STAN
                         Somebody told us they saw a big panda 
                         bear in here.
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         Big panda bear, big panda bear, hm.
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         Hey! Eight-year old! We don't take kindly 
                         to your types in here!
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't 
                         hurtin' nobody.
 
                                     SKEETER
                         NO!  I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm 
                         Eight Years Old here! How come you types 
                         are always wearin' them funny padded 
                         shirts in the winter?!
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Coats?

                                     BARKEEP
                         Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
 
                         
                                     PATRON WITH HAT
                          We don't take kindly to your types 
                         around here!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, what the hell is going in?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did you guys see a big panda bear in 
                         here, or not?
 
                                     SKEETER
                          We don't take kindly to panda bears!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Well, we don't take kindly to you!
 
                         
                                     PATRON WITH HAT
                          Well, we don't take kindly to folks 
                         that don't take kindly around here. 
                         
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         Kids, there was a panda bear in here. 
                         He said somethin' about the Island of 
                         Misfit Mascots.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Where's that?

                                     BARKEEP
                         If I'm not mistaken, it's over near 
                         the Jenkins place.
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, we'd beter hurry. 

                                     SKEETER
                         Whoa! Look at her!  Hey! Beautiful woman! 
                          We don't take kindly to your types 
                         around here!
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         Nu-how, Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody.
 
                         
               [The courthouse, next day. Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone 
               is chattering in the audience]
 
                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone. 
                          Representing the side of Everyone is 
                         Gerald Broflovski.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen 
                         of the jury, Everyone has committed 
                         a crime here, and Everyone must pay 
                         for that crime. My client, Everyone, 
                         has been hurt by this crime and must 
                         be compensated.
 
               [The Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune. The boys reach the front 
               gate]
 
                                     STAN
                          "Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune." 
                         This must be the place. 
 
                                     A WORM
                         Hello there, boys.

                                     STAN
                         Whoa! Who are you?

                                     THE WORM
                         I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly 
                         Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know 
                         not to stare directly into the sun, 
                         right?
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Yes.

                                     WILLY
                         That can burn your retinas and make 
                         you blind. 
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Thanks a lot, dude.

                                     A PIG
                          Oink oink! Be sure to run around with 
                         scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around 
                         With Scissors" Pig.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I thought you weren't supposed to run 
                         around with scissors.
 
                                     WILLY
                         That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit 
                         Mascots. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Have you seen any panda bears?

                                     WILLY
                         Hm...

                                     A FALCON
                          Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the "Don't Hold 
                         On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else 
                         Uses A Fan Nearby" Falcon!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     JIMMY
                         Here, watch. 

                                     KENNY
                         (You guys, come get this fucking magnet 
                         noooowwww!)  (Argh!)
 
                                     JIMMY
                         See?

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!  Hey! There he is! 

                                     PETEY
                         Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow 
                         tree?
 
               Sexual Harassment Panda.

               [the boys rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]

                                     STAN
                         Dude, are we glad to find you! You have 
                         to come back to South Park, quick!
 
                         
                                     PETEY
                         Why?

                                     KYLE
                         Because! Everyone is suing everyone 
                         else, and you're pretty much the cause 
                         of it all!
 
                                     PETEY
                         Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
 
                         
                                     A BADGER
                         Hello, kidsh, I'm Happy, the "Don't 
                         Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner 
                         Ear" Badger.  Well, I'll leave now.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People 
                         listen to you. You have to get them 
                         to stop suing each other.
 
                                     PETEY
                         But, I'm just a panda.

                                     KYLE
                         NO YOU'RE NOT, DUDE!! YOU'RE A GUY IN 
                         A PANDA COSTUME!! 
 
                                     WILLY
                          Heeyy, I'm a real worm, pal!!

                                     KYLE
                         Okay, sorry, sorry.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're you're a worm. That's that's 
                         cool, that's cool.
 
                                     STAN
                          Okay, yyou are a panda. But being Sexual 
                         Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone 
                         right now. You used to use your panda 
                         powers to teach people about sexual 
                         harassment. But now you need to teach 
                         a new message. A new massage that people 
                         will find useful again.
 
                                     PETEY
                         What message?

                                     KYLE
                         That people shouldn't sue each other 
                         all the time.
 
                                     PETEY
                         ...You know? You little cubs might just 
                         be right.
 
                                     WILLY
                         Yeah!

                                     PETEY
                          Okay!

               [The courthouse. Closing arguments begin.]

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Your honor, I'd like to make my closing 
                         arguments.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Wait! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          No! He's a whole new panda now, and 
                         he's got something to say.
 
                                     PETEY
                         Hello, everyone. I'm Petey, the "Don't 
                         Sue People" Panda.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         "Don't Sue People" Panda? 

                                     SKEETER
                          Hey! We don't take kindly to folks 
                         that don't sue people 'round here!
 
                         
                                     BARKEEP
                         Nuhow, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
 
                         
                                     PETEY
                         Listen to me: when you sue somebody, 
                         it hurts everyone. You sue for money, 
                         but where do you think that money comes 
                         from? From the schools, from taxes, 
                         from the state. From you.  There's no 
                         such thing as free money. When you sue 
                         somebody, you take money away from parks 
                         and schools and charities, and put it 
                         in your own pocket. And that makes me 
                         a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. 
 
                                     BEARDED MAN
                         I'm a sad panda, too.

                                     MAN 1
                         I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know 
                         we were doing all that damage. This 
                         is all that damn lawyer's fault! 
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                          Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!

                                     ALL
                          Yeah!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          No! Don't you see? Th-the panda's right. 
                         Boy, what a great message he has! When 
                         you sue people, you just end up causing 
                         a lot of problems for society. Uhwell, 
                         I've really learned something today. 
                         All I could see was the millions of 
                         dollars coming to me and I didn't care 
                         about where the money came from. Well, 
                         I'm no longer doing sexual harassment 
                         lawsuits in schools! They're too vague 
                         and two easily corruptible. Thank you, 
                         Sexual Harassment Panda!
 
                                     PETEY
                         "Don't Sue People" Panda.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah, well, whatever, sooo let's... not... 
                         sue anyone again. Okay, come on, guys. 
                         Let's go get some ice cream!
 
                                     PETEY AND THE BOYS
                         Hooray!

                                     PETEY
                         Pandas love ice cream. 

                                     JUDGE JULIE
                         Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, 
                         I'm throwing the case out! Case dismissed! 
                         
 
                                     SKEETER
                          Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases 
                         being dismissed around here!
 
                                     BARKEEP
                          God damnit, Skeeter, shut the hell 
                         up.
 
               [Public Service Announcement]

                                     PETEY
                         Hello, cubs. I'm "Don't Sue People" 
                         Panda, with an important message for 
                         you! Lawsuits damage our society. I 
                         know it's tempting to make money, but 
                         just remember: that money has to come 
                         from somewhere. And usually, it ends 
                         up hurting a lot of innocent people. 
                         So, until next time, don't let frivolous 
                         sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our 
                         schools. Good-bye now. 
 
               [End of Sexual Harassment Panda]

Sexual Harassment Panda



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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