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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 607


                               "SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Kyle's house, day. Stan and Kyle are happily preparing a snowman, 
               which now has twigs, buttons, a hat and scarf. Tweek stands behind 
               Stan holding a carrot.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, now put on the nose, Tweek. 
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         I can't.  You do it.

                                     KYLE
                         Just stick it on.

                                     TWEEK
                         But what if I put it in the wrong place? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Just put it between his eyes.

                                     TWEEK
                         GARH. But what if, while I'm putting 
                         on the nose, the snowman comes to life 
                         and tries to kill me?
 
                                     STAN
                         Tweek, when has that ever happened, 
                         except for that one time?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey, fellas.

                                     STAN
                          Oh, hey Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                         How are things... oing with your new 
                         best friend?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Well, Tweek's okay, but he's certainly 
                         no Kenny! 
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Arrrr!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah, but he's still better than you, 
                         Butters.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well ah, that's good. Good luck being 
                         their new friend, Tweek. I hope you'll 
                         do better than me. Well, see ya fellas. 
                         
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Oh man, that is waaay too much pressure! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys, you guys! You're not gonna 
                         believe it! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh oh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Everything's gonna be okay, you guys! 
                         Life isn't so crappy after all!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         It's not?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! I was looking in this magazine, 
                         and I found an ad for little ocean creatures 
                         that you can buy and raise in your room!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No way.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look!  Sea people. You keep them under 
                         a big tank of water and they like, build 
                         castles and play basketball and stuff.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Nuh uh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! And look! They ride around on 
                         turtles and they play games with fish.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No way.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, Kyle, you're being a Negative 
                         Nancy. Stop it. Eh, unless you want 
                         everyone to call you Negative Nancy 
                         from now on.  Now, what we need is to 
                         all chip in four dollars, and we can 
                         have them here tonorrow!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Only sixteen dollars? They can't be 
                         cool if they're only sixteen dollars. 
                          If Nancy doesn't want to chip in, then 
                         it will be $5.35 per person!
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, I'll chip in.

                                     TWEEK
                         Gah! Me too.

                                     KYLE
                          Naw, alright.

               [Butters' house, day. He reaches his room.]

                                     LINDA
                         Butters! Don't forget: dinner is in 
                         two hours!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Wokay, mom. Ah I'm just gonna be up 
                         here, uh doin' my homework.  Yes. By 
                         day he is mild-mannered, sweet, and 
                         innocent Butters BUT...  nobody knows 
                         that he actually has a dark underside... 
                          Professor Chaos! Haha! Time to wreak 
                         havoc on the world that shunned me! 
                         
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Professor Chaos!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah, my faithful companion in world destruction, 
                         General Disarray.
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         I have done as you asked and brought 
                         the first load of scrap wood.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Excellent, General Disarray! Now we 
                         can begin my most horrible evil plan 
                         yet to wreak havoc on humanity. 
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         What dastardly deed are we doing now?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Simple, my dear general.  We are going 
                         to block out the sun!
 
                                     DOUGIE
                          Oh. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh yes! I have plotted for weeks, and 
                         figured that if we build a huge ...wooden 
                         shade eighty feet high, a-and fifty 
                         feet wide , precisely on this hill, 
                         South Park ...will forever be cast in 
                         a great shadow.
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Oh, awesome!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Soon, all people will have to live like 
                         moles! They will love only to remember 
                         with sorrow how great the sun used to 
                         be! 
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Cool. It'll be just like on the Simpsons. 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Huh?

                                     DOUGIE
                         They did that on the Simpsons. I think 
                         it was the Mr. Burns character. He tried 
                         to block Springfield from the sun.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         He did? Hawww, heck. I thought I was 
                         bein' original.
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         So how do we build it?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Aww, I don't wanna do it now , not if 
                         they already did it on the Simpsons. 
                          I have to think of something else. 
                          Uh Goddamnit, how come every time I 
                         think of something clever, the Simpsons 
                         already did it?
 
               [Cartman's house, night. The living room light is on. Cartman 
               is sleeping, dreaming...]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sea people... coming in the mail tomorrow... 
                          Yesss... Yeesss...
 
               [The dream sequence]

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               Look at me, livin' free

               Free and clean amongst the Sea People

               [the sea couple and he sail by in a tiny pirate ship. They take 
               him into the castle]
 
               We look for pirates and search for gold.

               Life is an adventure with the Sea People

               [A sea man pitches to Cartman, who bats the ball for a run. As 
               a sea family looks on he blows out the candles on a cake.]
 
               
               They don't ever conplain, they don't call me fat.

               They don't make me do homework or nothin' like that.

               [he rides a sea horse alongside sea people on horseback and grins 
               at the camera]
 
               This is the way life was meant to be. Laughin' and singing,
 
               
               [Shown walking with the sea couple again.]

               Sea people and me.

               Sea people and me, you guys.

               [The dream ends and the bubbles fade away. Cartman wakes up, 
               smiling]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Woowww. Only three more hours, sea people. 
                          Only three hours and you can take me 
                         away from this crappy goddamned planet 
                         full of hippies. 
 
               [Cartman's house, day. He's at his desk with the new kit while 
               Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand behind him. His dressed as a monarch, 
               in suit, crown and cape.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. I've added the water purifier 
                         tablet to the Sea People Kingdom tank. 
                         Now it says  "Step 2.  Add the Sea People 
                         eggs to the water; you will see sea 
                         life spring instantly."  Okay, let's 
                         just run through this one more time: 
                         when the sea people arrive I will welcome 
                         them to South Park as Ambassador of 
                         Earth. Tweek, you give them the key 
                         to the city, and we'll all engage them 
                         in simple conversation. We've gotta 
                         make sea people feel comfortable, okay? 
                         Ready?
 
                                     STAN
                         Ready. Let's see 'em.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hold the sign up, Kyle!  Higher, Kyle! 
                          Okay.  Here we go. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Are they playing basketball? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the fuck is this?! 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, these are brine shrimp. I used 
                         to feed them to my fish.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I got RIPPED OFF! 

                                     KYLE
                         I told you, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, shut up, Kyle!!! Shut your Goddamned 
                         Jew mouth!!! You people are why there's 
                         war in the Middle East!!!  And you, 
                         Tweek!! Why don't you learn to button 
                         your shirt right, for once?! You're 
                         as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, 
                         always spending time with her!! God, 
                         I hate you guys!!  They were supposed 
                         to take me away to their underwater 
                         kingdom. They were supposed to take 
                         me on adventures of the deep
 
                                     TWEEK
                          They package brine shrimp and sell 
                         them to kids? That's not right, man!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What are we gonna do with them?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Who cares?! Throw 'em away!!

                                     KYLE
                          Hey! Let's pour them in the teacher's 
                         coffee tomorrow morning.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, that'd be funny.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Heheh, okay, okay.

               [next day, Ms. Choksondik's house. The scene from last episode 
               is carried on here, only zoomed out. The paramedics take Ms Choksondik's 
               corpse into the ambulance as a crowd looks on. The adults murmur 
               amongst themselves. The ambulance pulls away and Cartman pulls 
               the other boys in with some urgency.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, listen to me! We must take 
                         a strict vow of silence!
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Jesus Christ, we killed her!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Shh! Tweek, shut the hell up!

               [Dougie's house. He's doing homework on the living room coffee 
               table when a doorbell rings. He goes to answer it. He opens the 
               door and Butters steps in with something under wraps]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         General Disarray, are your parents home?
 
                         
                                     DOUGIE
                         No.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah, I've done it, General Disarray. 
                         I've completed my most horrible deed 
                         to date.
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         You know that big statue in the town 
                         square of pioneer John Wesley Powell? 
                         I snuck over there with a hacksaw and 
                         uh, and I cut off his head!  Hahahahaa, 
                         yeah!
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Oh, uh...

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hahaha, and they're probably just realizing 
                         that now! Quick! We must turn on the 
                         news! 
 
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         ... but Hillary Clinton's ass just keeps 
                         getting bigger.  Also in the news tonight, 
                         a vandal has apparently cut off and 
                         stolen the head of the Powell statue 
                         in the South Park Town Square.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Look! Look! I've made the news! I-I've 
                         wreaked havoc!
 
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         The head was taken in the early morning 
                         hours and the police have no leads.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         I finally made the world sorry! I've 
                         brought sadness, a-and chaos!
 
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         This act, of course, reminded us all 
                         of the time that Bart Simpson  took 
                         the head of the Springfield statue in 
                         one of their classic episodes. Here's 
                         what some people had to say:
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Well, I, I think whoever took the head 
                         was... really just doing an homage to 
                         the Simpsons.  Heh, I think it's great.
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Yes, it really made me reflect on that 
                         episode and laugh.
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Well the Simpsons is such a great show, 
                         and we need reminders like this to keep 
                         us watching.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Uh-m, son of a bitch.

                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         The police say that instead of looking 
                         for the missing head, they'd rather 
                         leave it off and be reminded of the 
                         Simpsons every day.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well why didn't you tell me the Simpsons 
                         already did that?
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         You seemed so proud, I didn't wanna 
                         bum you out.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Stupid Simpsons...

               [Kyle's house, night. The boys watch TV on the sofa]

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hello there, Phillip. I brought you 
                         something
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, what is it? 

                                     KYLE
                         See? We're just watching cartoons, like 
                         always. Nothing's changed.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Jesus Christ, she's dead!!

                                     STAN
                         Stop it, Tweek! We're pretending like 
                         nothing happened.
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Phillip, I think I may have accidentally 
                         killed Celine Dion.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                          Killing is never an accident, you dickface! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh jeez, change the channel.

                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         And in other news, still no known cause 
                         of death found for elementary school 
                         teacher Diane Choksondik. However, doctors 
                         say that during the autopsy they did 
                         find semen in her stomach. 
 
                                     STAN
                         They found the sea men! It's only a 
                         matter of tiime before they find the 
                         women, too!
 
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         The autopsy is ongoing and cause of 
                         death is yet to be determined.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh God!

                                     STAN
                         We're dead!

                                     TWEEK
                         Oh Jesus!  That's it, man! I want nothing 
                         more to do with you guys!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Tweek! Where are you going?

                                     TWEEK
                         They're gonna find you out! Then when 
                         they do I don't wanna be within fifty 
                         feet of you! You're gonna fry, man!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hey, Tweek, you're in this just as much 
                         as we are!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         What?! I told you NOT to put the sea 
                         people in her coffee! I wasn't even 
                         there when you did it!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but you're our new friend and 
                         that makes you cul.. p-piable!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         In fact, that makes you the most responsible. 
                         Tweek, you might have to take the fall 
                         on this one.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Rrrr-hr-hrrr!!!

               [Chef's house, night. The boys arrive at his house and ring the 
               bell. He opens the door and sees them]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh, welll, hello there, children.

                                     STAN
                         Chef, we did something kind of bad.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         We don't know who else to talk to.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems 
                         ain't all that bad. Come on in.  Now, 
                         just sit down and take a deep breath 
                         and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          We need you to promise not to tell 
                         anybody.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Nowww, children, every problem can be 
                         worked out. What was it?
 
                                     STAN
                         We... killed our teacher and they found 
                         our seamen in her stomach
 
                                     CHEF
                         ...Oh, children, that's a problem we 
                         all have to face at one time or another. 
                         Here: let me sing you a little song 
                         that might cheer you up. Sometimes you 
                         kill your teacher and they find your 
                         semen in her stomach, and uh Wait! What 
                         the what?!
 
                                     STAN
                          So what should we do? 

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, I guess this really is a big deal.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         We've only got one option, you guys. 
                         We're gonna have to go to that hospital 
                         where they're doing the autopsy and 
                         get our seamen back ourselves.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Gnaaahahahah!  I pulled out my hair!
 
                         
               [Dugie's house, night. In the living room Butters begins to pitch 
               ideas.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wokay, how about this, Dougie?  I-I'm 
                         going' to pose as a real-estate agent 
                         and con everyone in town into buyin' 
                         a monorail. And then skip town with 
                         all their money.  No?
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         ...Simpsons did it. The did it in episode 
                         204.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wokay , then I'm goin' to start a Web 
                         site to spread vicious ru-rumrs about 
                         everyone in town! And and then I'll 
                         take their-
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Simpsons did it!

                                     BUTTERS
                          I'll bury a skeleton wearing angel 
                         wings so that the townspeople will think 
                         a fallen angel has fallen-
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Simpsons did it!

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Cartman leads the other boys into 
               the coroner's office]
 
                                     STAN
                         This is it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, everyone scatter and look for 
                         the seamen. Tweek, stay by the door 
                         and keep a look out. If you see anybody 
                         coming, say the code word: Hammertime.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Hammertime? Can't the code word just 
                         be... "lookout"? I won't remember "Hammertime"!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ugh.  Just remember the song "Can't 
                         Touch This" and you'll remember the 
                         code word!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, stupid.

                                     TWEEK
                         Oh, God. 

                                     KYLE
                          There's nothing here! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, it's probably in her stomach. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Is it her?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, it's Ms. Choksondik alright.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What do we do now?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Just reach in there and get the seamen 
                         out of her stomach!  Oh, God! You guys 
                         are such pussies!  Hemmm...
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Erm! Hff. You gu-guys! Ha... Hamme- 
                          I can't remember uh-the code word!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Do you see the sea people.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, just a bunch of goo.

                                     TWEEK
                          You guys! Um, dum dumdumdum, dumdum, 
                         dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, 
                         dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Ms. Choksondik stinks inside. 

                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     TWEEK
                          ...dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. 
                         Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, then stop. HAMMERTIME!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Aaah!

                                     KYLE
                         Quick. Hide. 

                                     VOICE
                          Yeah, well, at least we got Shannon 
                         Sharp back. 
 
                                     DOCTOR 1
                         Alright, let's just leave the semen 
                         sample next to the corpse; I wanna run 
                         a hair fiber test next. 
 
                                     DOCTOR 2
                         Hey, do you smell children?

                                     DOCTOR 1
                         No, that's not... 

                                     KYLE
                         Got it!

                                     STAN
                         Let's go! 

               [Butters house, later that night. Butters presents plan #127-C]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                         Bring the World Cup to South Park so 
                         the... a huge soccer riot can destroy 
                         the-
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Take all the beer cans in South Park 
                         and have them shaken up in a huge mixer 
                         at the paint store so that-
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Episode 9F17 entitled "So It's Come 
                         To This!"
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Fine! Then maybe I'll just forget about 
                         destroying the town and just run away 
                         and join the circus! 
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         ...Simpsons did it.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Dwaah!!

               [Cartman's house, later. In his room he takes the semen sample 
               and pours it into his tank, tapping the rim of the tank so the 
               semen can start moving. The semen slides into the tank and puts 
               the lid back on]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         There. We just put the sea people back 
                         in the tank with the others, and nobody 
                         will ever know.  The blood is washed 
                         neatly from our hands. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Alright, children, I got you four tickets 
                         to Thailand  and three hundred dollars 
                         cash . It's gonna be tough living for 
                         a while. You might have to do things 
                         for money you never thought of doin' 
                         before.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          It's alright, Chef! We got our sea 
                         people out of the teacher's stomach.and 
                         we put them back in their aquarium!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          ...Wait, what? Sea people?

                                     STAN
                         The sea people that we put in the teacher's 
                         coffee.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Uhh, maybe you'd better start from the 
                         beginning.
 
               [Forty-three seconds later...]

                                     STAN
                         ...and then we put them back in the 
                         tank.
 
                                     CHEF
                          Oohhh, children, you misunderstood. 
                         Sea people is different from se-men.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It is?

                                     CHEF
                         Yes! That stuff that was in that vial 
                         didn't come from you, it came from someone 
                         else.  I thought you children took turns 
                         rapin' and then murdered the teacher. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well if they found somebody else's sea 
                         men in her stomach, maybe they'll find 
                         our sea people, too.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Relax, children, junk that's in brine 
                         can't kill you. Your teacher must have 
                         died from something else.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, really?? 

                                     TWEEK
                         Egh! I'm so relieved. Gaah-ah-ah!

                                     CHEF
                         Alright. You children have had a long 
                         night. Why don't we all get some rest 
                         and on Monday, I'll sing you a song 
                         explainin' the difference between semen 
                         and sea people.  Come on, children. 
                         I'll walk you all home. 
 
                                     STAN
                          Okay. Goodnight, Cartman. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         G'night, guys.

                                     KYLE
                         I'm so glad we're not murderers. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ah, so great that everything is finally 
                         back to normal. 
 
               [South Park, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand at the bus 
               station waiting for the bus.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          H'you guys! Come quick!  You won't 
                         believe it!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh no, what now? 

               [Cartman's house, later. He leads them to his room, to the tank]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Those sea men from the teacher's stomach 
                         somehow combined with the remaining 
                         sea people we had left in the tank and, 
                         ah, well LOOK! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa. 

                                     STAN
                         Wow. How did that happen?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I've been up for hours doing some calculations, 
                         and I've come up with my final theory 
                         of composite dynamics.  Sea people plus 
                         sea men equals sea ciety.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa.

                                     STAN
                         They've already accomplished so much.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         They're like, bacteria. Small organisms 
                         live much faster lives and do things 
                         at a much faster rate.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right, Tweek. And if my theory 
                         is correct, all we need to get is more 
                         of the two reacting agents, and we can 
                         really see them flourish. Tweek!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Hr!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You go and send away for mre sea people 
                         from the magazine ad! Get at least five 
                         gallons of them here stat! Stan and 
                         Kyle, you go find a bigger fish tank 
                         to them all in.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well what are you gonna do?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Me?  I'm gonna go out on the town and 
                         find ten gallons of sea men.
 
               [Dougie's room, day. Butters and Dougie are in costume. Between 
               them is a contraption under a white sheet]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I've done it, General Disarray. I've 
                         watches all one hundred and thirty-two 
                         episodes of the Simpsons, twice. And 
                         I've finally come up with something... 
                         tha they have never done! Uh, behold! 
                          This device that I have made will take 
                         the cherries out of chocolate-covered 
                         cherries and replace the inside instead, 
                         with two-month-old mayonnaise.  People 
                         will think that they are gonna get a 
                         bite of a sweet, delicious cherry, but, 
                         instead, they'll get a mouth full of 
                         yuckies, and sticky mayonnaise. Hey! 
                          You've never ...seen this on the Simpsons, 
                         right?
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         No, I think the Simpsons would be more 
                         clever than that.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Good! Then l-let us take my machine 
                         outside and make society finally pay 
                         for sh-shunning us!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Tonight on the Simpsons: It's a laughorama 
                         when Bart builds a machine that takes 
                         cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries 
                         and replace them instead, with mayonnaise.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Nnno , uh no, no, it can't be.

                                     DOUGIE
                         Uh oh, Simpsons did it! Simpsons did 
                         it! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         No! No! 

                                     DOUGIE
                          Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aaaaah!

                                     DOUGIE
                         Don't have a cow, man.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh sweet Jesus!

               [Sperm Bank of South Park, day. Cartman hums as he approaches 
               the door. He enters and walks down the hall. The tellers follow 
               him with their eyes.]
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Can I help you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, my mommy told me this is where 
                         I could find some sea men?
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Your... mom told you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do you have them or not?

                                     WOMAN
                         We... sell semen, yes, but not normally 
                         to children.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's your name?

                                     WOMAN
                         Frances Velman

                                     CARTMAN
                         Frances, let's talk. I don't want a 
                         bunch of bullcrap from you and you don't 
                         a bunch of bullcrap from me, right? 
                         Where does that get us? Nowhere. The 
                         truth is, I'm completely certified to 
                         handle sea men, and though I may appear 
                         young, I'm one of the leading sea men 
                         authorities of the Midwest. Up and comer, 
                         you know what I'm saying? I'll have 
                         my own business soon and I'll need people 
                         to run it. I'm talkin' about you, Frances. 
                         And I'm talkin' about a six-figure income. 
                         How does that sound? 
 
                                     WOMAN
                          Everything we supply here is by a quarter-ounce. 
                          One donor, certified, on record.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I see, very interesting. 

                                     FRANCES
                         What are you doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Takin' a look here.  Seems like quality 
                         stuff you got here, Frances. Yeah, good 
                         texture, nice consistency. Sea men must 
                         be alive and healthy in there. I'll 
                         take five.
 
                                     FRANCES
                         Five? Vials?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, gallons.

                                     FRANCES
                         Www-we don't have that much here.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Damint! Give me all you've got, then! 
                         
 
               [South Park, in town. Butters runs from Dougie, who chases after 
               him]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aaah! Ah, Ah, Aaah! Nooo! Nooo!

                                     DOUGIE
                         Simpsons did it!! Simpsons did it!! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Waaaah!  Hay! Uh let me on! Let me on! 
                         
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                          SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Haaah! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Butters, have you seen Mr. Hat?

                                     CHEF
                          Hello there, children!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Aaah! Nooo! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...What the hell's wrong with him?
 
                         
               [Cartman's room, later. Stan looks at the aquarium and sees the 
               civilization has developed further. Pyramids now appear. The 
               sound of running water is in the background. Cut to Kyle filling 
               a larger tank with a water hose.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, the sea people have evolved to 
                         an Egyptian-like culture.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Soon they'll discover frozen food. Goh-ho.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          That should be enough water, Kyle. 
                         You got the new sea-people packets, 
                         Tweek?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Uh-uh huh.

                                     STAN
                         Well, drop them in! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         And I've got the sea men. 

                                     KYLE
                         Wow. That's a lot of sea men you've 
                         got there, Cartman.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I bought all that I could at this 
                         bank, and then I got the rest from this 
                         guy Ralph in an alley.
 
                                     STAN
                         That's cool.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and the sweet thing is, this stupid 
                         asshole didn't even charge me money 
                         for it. He just made me close my eyes 
                         and suck it out of a hose. Heh.  There 
                         we go. 
 
                                     STAN
                          Okay, now let's put the sea ciety in 
                         its new home. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nothin' to do now but wait.

                                     STAN
                         ...Close your eyes and suck it out of 
                         a hose?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh-huh, suck it out of a hose, yeah.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hm.

                                     KYLE
                         Huh.

               [Cartman's house, next day. He's asleep, but begins to stir. 
               His eyes open and he grins at what he sees. He hops off the bed 
               and rushes to the tank. He looks here and there and finds a more 
               advanced civilization in the tank.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God! The tiny underwater civilization 
                         has advanced hundreds of years.  Look! 
                         There's a library! A-and a temple! And 
                         a- woh-?  Oh. They think I'm God.  Yes!!! 
                         I am god of the sea people!!! You hear 
                         that?!  I am god of the sea people!!! 
                         I am master of their great sunken empire!!! 
                          Mo-o-om! I'm god of the sea people!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                          That's nice, poopie. 

               [Butters' house, day. He's sitting in the living room, which 
               now takes the appearance of the Simpson living room]
 
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                          And in other South Park News, elementay 
                         school teacher Ms. Choksondik's  autopsy 
                         has shown that the semen in her stomach 
                         belongs to school counselor, Mr. Mackey. 
                          However, the semen apparently did NOT 
                         contribute to the death, and so Mr. 
                         Mackey's identity is to remain anonymous. 
                         
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hey Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Haaa!

                                     STAN
                         Hey, what are you doing, man? Cartman 
                         says he has something really cool to 
                         show everybody. You've gotta come.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ha ha! 

               [Cartman's house, whick now looks like a typical Springfield 
               house, day. In Cartman's room, everyone but Butters is shown 
               Simpsons-style. Present are Chef, Mr. Garrison, Liane, Tweek, 
               Timmy, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, and Butters. Cartman displays 
               his new sea ciety]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Behold! You all see my tiny minions 
                         groveling at my likeness! I am Eric 
                         Cartman, god.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey. We paid for the sea people too. 
                         How come they're not making statues 
                         of us? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Be you not jealous, Jew. I am creator 
                         of all things, yea.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That is very impressive, Eric. What 
                         do you intend to do with your underwater 
                         society?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna send a message to my people 
                         and tell 'em to develop a great machine 
                         that will shrink me down to their size, 
                         so I can live amongst them forever.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Aha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is wrong with you, Butters?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         They did that on the Simpsons! Ha! Treehouse 
                         of Horror! Episode 4F02! The Genesis 
                         tub. Lisa loses a tooth, and the bacteria 
                         on it start to grow, and makes a little 
                         society, and they build a statue of 
                         her thinking she's God! Ha! Hahaha!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...So?

                                     KYLE
                         ...Yeah. So?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, the Simpsons have done everything 
                         already. Who cares?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, and they've been on the air for 
                         like, thirteen years. Of course they've 
                         done everything.
 
                                     MR .GARRISON
                         Every idea's been done, Butters, even 
                         before the Simpsons.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Yeah. In fact, that episode was a rip-off 
                         of a Twilight Zone episode.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Really? So I shouldn't care if I come 
                         up with an idea, and the Simpsons already 
                         did it. It... uh...doesn't... matter. 
                          Everything is back to normal, a, I 
                         think... I think I can go back to tryin' 
                         to destroy the world again.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Good for you!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, that's great Butters. Now get 
                         the hell out of my room.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          I feel like a spring chicken. I'm ready 
                         to wreak havoc once again! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, look everybody! The other side 
                         of the aquarium is building another 
                         statue! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! It's Tweek.

                                     TWEEK
                         Me?? Aw, man! I don't wanna be a god. 
                         That is waaay too much pressure.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That is bullcrap! You'd better stop 
                         worshiping him, sea people! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What's going on now?

                                     KYLE
                         The sea people from Cartman's side are 
                         suicide-bombing the buildings on Tweek's 
                         side.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Gaaa-hah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! Go! 

                                     TWEEK
                         NOW what's happening?

                                     STAN
                         The sea people on Tweek's side just 
                         suicide-bombed the Cartman statue.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh God-damnit! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh no! Oh the humanity!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well it was a nice project while it 
                         lasted, boys.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yep. But I guess this proves that war 
                         is the natural order of life.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why can't societies just live in peace?
 
                         
               THE END

Simpsons Already Did It



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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