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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 809


                        "SOMETHING WALL-MART THIS WAY COMES"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, day. A lovely tree appears and the camera pans down 
               to street level. Stan and friends are on the sidewalk across 
               the street moving along.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys know what? Um, the last thing 
                         you do when you die, is crap your pants.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         ...What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, when you die, your jowels release 
                         and crap comes flying out your ass. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         That is fucking stupid, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! I'll bet you five bucks that 
                         when you die you crap your pants, asshole!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey everybody, it's time!  It's time!
 
                         
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                          It's time. Oh, it's time? It's happening. 
                         It's happening now? Let's go! 
 
                                     STAN
                         It's time for what?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Get down to Metzger's Field! It's about 
                         to happen! 
 
               [Metzger's Field, later. A man is speaking to the crowd gathered 
               there.]
 
                                     OFFICIAL
                         People of South Park I am pleased to 
                         be with you on this most historic day. 
                         A day you were certainly all remember... 
                         as the day your town... became great. 
                         The grand opening of the first South 
                         Park... WALL*MART! 
 
                                     RANDY
                          Look at it, honey. It's so big.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          It's like we're a real town now. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, awesome!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Isn't there where Stark's Pond 
                         used to be? Where we used to kayak and 
                         fish?
 
                                     MAN
                         Yeah! Now it's a Wall*Mart!

                                     OFFICIAL
                         I know that with the opening of the 
                         South Park branch of Wall*Mart, you 
                         will all see your town completely change... 
                          Now, shop friends. Shop! 
 
                                     RANDY
                         It's beautiful!

                                     GRAMPA MARSH
                          Welcome to Wall*Mart. Welcome to Wall*Mart. 
                         ...Welcome to Wall*Mart.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Sharon, isn't that your father?

                                     SHARON
                         Yes. Wall*Mart is the leading employer 
                         of seniors. And they also employ the 
                         handicapped.
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Hello, Mrs. M-marsh. Can I help g... 
                         Can I help you get a sh- shopping cart 
                         today?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Why yes I'd love one, Jimmy. 

                                     CHEF
                          My God. Look at all these incedible 
                         bargains.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. 
                         Three copies for eighteen bucks!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why the hell would you want three copies 
                         of the same movie?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! 
                         But this way you save like twenty bucks!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You only need one copy, artard!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, fine, dumbass, YOU go ahead and 
                         buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, fine, I will!  Huh, wait a minute! 
                         I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, you can't shop for crap. 

                                     WOMAN 1
                          I can't believe these bargains.

                                     OFFICIAL
                          Fools. Ignorant fools.

               [The Marsh house, night. The living room has been redecorated 
               with items got from Wall*Mart. The family is enjoying snacks 
               in fancy plasticware]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Just look at the Marsh family, huh? 
                         Brand-new television, new plastic dishware 
                         and cups, and enough bulk-buy ramen 
                         to last us a thousand winters. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad, how come Wall*Mart is able to sell 
                         everything so cheap?
 
                                     RANDY
                         It's simple economics, son. I don't 
                         understand it at all, but, God I love 
                         it.
 
               [The Marsh house, later. The house is asleep; Randy is dreaming, 
               and reacting to his dreams.]
 
                                     WHISPERS
                         six nienty-nine, fifteen dollars, etc.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          AAAH!  Yeaaah... 

                                     SHARON
                         Randy, what are you doing?

                                     RANDY
                          Anu-nothing!  I'ma I'ma, I'm just gonna 
                         head down to the Wall*Mart real quick.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         It's almost midnight.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, think about it. If I go there 
                         now, there won't be anybody else there. 
                          I can all the bargains to myself! 
 
                         
               [Wall*Mart, midnight. Randy enters dressed in pajamas and robe, 
               only to find more shoppers in there. Wall*Mart never closes, 
               and it's never empty. An elderly lady greets him]
 
                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         Thanks for coming to Wall*Mart.  All 
                         are welcome. All are welcome! 
 
               [Next morning, the boys are on a sidewalk heading towards downtown]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Excuse me! Hello! Can somebody tell 
                         my why we're going to Jim's Drugs to 
                         buy Voltar cards when Wall*Mart has 
                         them for three bucks cheaper?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I can't deal with Wall*Mart right 
                         now. My parents had me there for three 
                         hours last night. 
 
                                     JIM
                         Oh, sorry boys. I'm going out of business.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Why, Mr. Farkle?

                                     MR. FARKLE
                         I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low 
                         prices. Everyone is shopping there now, 
                         and... well, I can make ends meet.  
                         I've got to sell the store and try to 
                         find another line of work.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Cartman, stop it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? I just felt like playing a little 
                         violin, Kyle.
 
                                     MR. FARKLE
                         I appreciate your business, boys, but 
                         you'll have to try somewhere else in 
                         town. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         See? That sucks, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's called progress, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but what about all the people 
                         getting laid off from the grocery stores? 
                          And what about all the- 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ... Whatever. I can go get another one 
                         at Wall*Mart. It was only five bucks. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, let's go to Main Street and 
                         support one of those stores. 
 
               [Downtown, later. The boys arrive at Main Street and are startled]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell? 

                                     STAN
                         Butters? 

                                     KYLE
                         Butters? Uh what the hell are you doing?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wull ah I'm just playin' Monster. It's 
                         kinda spooky out here. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we gotta show our parents what 
                         Wall*Mart is doing to our town. 
 
               [The Marsh house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter to find 
               a house stuffed with Wall*Mart items.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad?  Jesus Christ, Dad. Dad??

                                     RANDY
                         So-o-o-o-on? 

                                     STAN
                         Dad, oh my God!

                                     RANDY
                         Son...

                                     STAN
                         What? D-dad, are are you dying?

                                     RANDY
                         No, I'm just... really really tired. 
                         I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But you-your face!

                                     RANDY
                         Checkout line... They had these... little 
                         stickers filled with glitter! They were 
                         only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. 
                         I couldn't resist! Do you want one? 
                          Here. It's a little turtle. 
 
               [Wall*Mart, later. Shopping continues as usual. In his office, 
               the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer 
               and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly 
               hides it when he hears a knock at his door]
 
                                     MANAGER
                         Come in?  Oh hello, fine shoppers.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Sir, we just had a big town meeting, 
                         and decided we don't want your Wall*Mart 
                         here anymore.
 
                                     RANDY
                         We're sorry, but it seems our Main Street 
                         is dying and good people are losing 
                         their jobs. We'd all like you... out 
                         of South Park.
 
                                     MANAGER
                         Well  What? What, you think I want to 
                         be here? I hate this place. But it... 
                         won't let me leave.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But you run the Wall*Mart.

                                     MANAGER
                         Oh you're wrong!  Wall*Mart... isn't 
                         run by anybody! First it reels you in 
                         with its bargains. Next thing you know 
                         you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart 
                         because it has all the jobs. Then you're 
                         sitting in a little office, trapped 
                         on all sides.
 
                                     CHEF
                         They why don't you just quit?!

                                     MANAGER
                          Not so loud! It can hear you.

                                     KYLE
                         You hate Wall*Mart too? 

                                     MANAGER
                         ACK!  I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart! 
                         With all its... fantastic bargains and 
                         one-stop shopping, who can't love it, 
                         right?  Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle 
                         out of shopping and, and makes it both 
                         affordable and fun.  Ah- and Wall*Mart 
                         really gives back to the community! 
                         Us people are certainly happy to have 
                         a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we? 
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Hey, wait a minute, I think we just 
                         got squirreled.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can 
                         get us to go away by being so goofy! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ha! You owe me five bucks, Kyle!

               [The Marsh house, night. The family is at table waiting for dinner. 
               Sharon walks in with ]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Here we go, everyone. I got three nice 
                         steaks from South Park Grocery. We'll 
                         have to share them.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Eh, I remember when we could afford 
                         to buy six steaks when we shopped at 
                         Wall*Mart.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but Dad, the whole town agreed 
                         not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         I know, I KNOW! GOD!!  BLEHH! 

                                     STAN
                         Mom, Dad, when people die, do they always 
                         crap their- 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Oh, you stupid turd!

                                     RANDY
                         Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't 
                         see any choice now! We have to go to 
                         Wall*Mart!
 
                                     SHARON
                         We do?

                                     RANDY
                         Huh! Where else are we gonna get a new 
                         glass at this hour?! Everyone get your 
                         shoes on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But Dad, we're not supposed to shop 
                         at-
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stan! One family buying one glass isn't 
                         gonna make a difference!
 
               [Wall*Mart, night. The Marsh family arrives and sees what Randy 
               saw before]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hey...  Gerald, what are you doing?! 
                         We said we weren't going to shop at 
                         the Wall*Mart anymore!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well where else was I gonna get a napkin 
                         dispenser at nine thirty at night?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          Mr. Garrison! Chef! Jimbo!  Now, come 
                         on people! What the hell is wrong with 
                         you?! Don't you see what you're all 
                         doing?!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well what are you doing here, Randy?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         I came because I wanted to make sure 
                         nobody was shopping here.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad!

                                     RANDY
                         Oh all right, em maybe I was gonna buy 
                         a glass. One glass! ... And some chips... 
                         And butter.  And some new pliers.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like 
                         the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming 
                         here.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         It's like some mystical evil force.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. This place has a power over us 
                         we can't resist! We have to find a way 
                         to put the South Park Wall*Mart out 
                         of business once and for all!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Let's burn it down!

                                     CHEF
                         No no no! Let's freeze it!

                                     STEPHEN
                         I think it's best we try to reason with 
                         it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No! All we have to do is not shop at 
                         Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to 
                         go away, all it takes is a little self-control 
                         and personal responsibility.
 
               [Outside, later. The Wall*Mart is on fire and the shoppers are 
               watching it burn]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. 

                                     ALL
                         Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, 
                         my Lord...
 
               [Sidewalk, next day. The boys are walking along]

                                     CARTMAN
                         You butthole, Kyle. You just had to 
                         go and ruin everything, didn't you?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          It wasn't my idea to burn the Wall*Mart 
                         down.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, but YOU got everyone all worked 
                         up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart. 
                         You always hated it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, our town is going to be better 
                         without the-  What the?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, awesome! 

                                     KYLE
                         How... How did this happen?  Mom, Dad? 
                         Why are you shopping here?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         We can't destroy it, son. We have to 
                         learn to live with it.
 
                                     A MAN
                         Can I help you? 

                                     STAN
                         Dad, what are you doing?!

                                     RANDY
                         You get a discount working here. Ten 
                         percent. That means the bargains are 
                         even better.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad, you're a geologist!

                                     RANDY
                         I'll make less money, sure, but... as 
                         long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, 
                         it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart 
                         isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood 
                         friend.
 
               [Outside. The boys walk away from Wall*Mart and see a driver 
               lifting I-beams into place with his crane]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Hey!  Who the hell told you to 
                         put this thing back up?!
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate 
                         headquarters.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here!
 
                         
                                     DRIVER
                         You're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Where are they?

                                     DRIVER
                         Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where 
                         Wall*Mart started, that's where all 
                         the bigwigs are. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Looks like we're gonna have to go to 
                         Arkansas. Come on, guys. We're gonna 
                         put a stop to Wall*Mart once and for 
                         all!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents? 
                          Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? 
                         ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you 
                         again?  Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand. 
                         
 
               [Coyote Lines, night. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the ticket 
               booth]
 
                                     STAN
                         Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, 
                         please.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Wait guys! Hold on! I wanna go with 
                         you and help out.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No way! You wanna go with us so you 
                         can betray us at some point and keep 
                         us from destroying the Wall*Mart.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nuh uh.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah huh! You wanna go with us so that 
                         later you go, "Haha, I was working for 
                         Wall*Mart all along" or something.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I AM NOT, Kyle!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, just let him come. The bus is 
                         about to leave. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right, fine. Come on, fatass! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Haha. You fools have no idea that I 
                         wuold never let you hurt the Wall*Mart.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          I heard that!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You heard what?

                                     KYLE
                         You said we have no idea that you're 
                         never let us hurt Wall*Mart!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's not what I said! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, come on!

                                     KYLE
                         He is working for the Wall*Mart to stup 
                         us from succeeding!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we have to go!

                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit! 

                                     STAN
                         Well hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hehe. You stupid fools have no idea 
                         that I'm actually working for the Wall*Mart 
                         to stup you from succeeding!
 
               Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart

               [A bus pulls up to the store's headquarters and lets the four 
               boys off]
 
                                     STAN
                         Goddamn that took a long time.

                                     KYLE
                         It would've been faster if Cartman hadn't 
                         slashed the tires!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I did not! I wanna close Wall*Mart 
                         just as much as you guys do!
 
               [Corporate Headquarters, inside. A cavernous warehouse opens 
               up before them, with busy workers, and a receptionist greets 
               them]
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Can I help you?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't 
                         want a Wall*Mart in our town.
 
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart 
                         does, but it keeps... right on doing 
                         it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We want to talk to who's in charge.
 
                         
                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         In charge? I guess that would be Harvey 
                         Brown. He's the current president of 
                         Wall*Mart. One of the original creators.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Where's he?

               [An ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera 
               pulls out to reveal the president and the boys, and lots of empty 
               glasses of liquor.]
 
                                     HARVEY BROWN
                         We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center 
                         in 1987. The idea was simple: build 
                         a store for one-stop shopping where 
                         bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly 
                         low.  We didn't know what we were doing. 
                         In just four years, it was out of control.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         So how do we stop it?

                                     HARVEY BROWN
                          You don't stop it.

                                     STAN
                         There has to be a way!

                                     HARVEY BROWN
                         There's nothing! Don't you understand?! 
                         Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your 
                         town! ...Unless...of course, you can 
                         find and destroy its heart.
 
                                     KYLE
                         The heart of Wall*Mart?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sir, don't you think you're talking 
                         a little too much?
 
                                     HARVEY BROWN
                         Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere 
                         near the television department. Destroy 
                         the heart and you could reverse the 
                         entire process!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You speak too much, sir!

                                     STAN
                         Why don't you guys just destroy the 
                         heart?
 
                                     HARVEY BROWN
                         Because the Wall*Mart stops you. Many 
                         have tried, kid. Union leaders, nature 
                         activists, even the best fair-trade 
                         lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart 
                         and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers 
                         all.
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right. Come on you guys, we have 
                         to get back home. 
 
                                     HARVEY BROWN
                          It won't work, don't you understand?! 
                         It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing 
                         but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did 
                         we do?? WHAT DID WE DO??  Boys!  Tell 
                         the world... Im sorry! 
 
                                     STAN
                         No, dude, don't! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          That's ten bucks you owe me, dickface!
 
                         
               [A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny 
               arrive dressed in camouflage.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart 
                         has a heart, we have to find it and 
                         destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart 
                         does to try to stop us, we have to be 
                         strong! Let's do it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm afraid not, Kyle! Wall*Mart is 
                         a great store! I could not let you fools 
                         ruin its terrific bargains! You see, 
                         I was working for Wall*Mart all along!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I knew you were!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you didn't.

                                     KYLE
                         Yes I did! I said from the beginning 
                         that you would do this!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No you didn't.

                                     KYLE
                         Yes I did!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you didn't.

                                     KYLE
                         Yes I did!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you didn't.

                                     KYLE
                         Yes I did!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you didn't.

                                     KYLE
                         Yes I did!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         ... You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed 
                         the bu-
 
                                     KYLE
                         -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas! 
                         I said so! I told you the minute that 
                         I-  -and I told you that-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I can't hear you! Lalalalalala!  I'm 
                         sorry, boys. but if you want to hurt 
                         the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through 
                         me! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          We don't have time for this! Kenny, 
                         keep him away from us! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Very well, Kenny! Let us battle!  No, 
                         Kenny. Kenny! Knock it off.
 
               [Stan and Kyle enter the store and walk past the greeterm Marvin 
               Marsh.]
 
                                     GRANDPA MARSH
                         Welcome to Wall*Mart.

                                     STAN
                         Save it, Grandpa!

                                     KYLE
                         We've gotta find the television department. 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Boys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dad, we know how to destroy the Wall*Mart.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Shhhhh! What are you talking about?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         One of the creators told us. You have 
                         to take your keys over to the television 
                         department.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Television department... All right, 
                         come on, let's go!  Oh my God!
 
                                     STAN
                         What?!

                                     RANDY
                         Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! 
                         They were three dollars five minutes 
                         ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices 
                         trying to stop us!
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, we've got to try to make it 
                         to the back! 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its 
                         bargains! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         I think I see the television department 
                         in the back!
 
                                     STAN
                         Is that the right way, Dad? Dad??  Dad!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         The screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Dad!

                                     RANDY
                         I can't make it, boys! You're gonna 
                         have to go on without me!
 
                                     STAN
                         No, dad! We need your keys!

                                     RANDY
                         This bargain is too great for me! I'm 
                         gonna have to buy these! Here! Take 
                         the keys and go on!  The television 
                         department is near the back! Next to 
                         the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna 
                         go buy these screwdrivers! 
 
                                     STAN
                          There! The television department!
 
                         
               [The television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all 
               sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn 
               on, showing the boys on screen. The camera pans over to the two 
               boys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.]
 
                                     MAN
                         Hello, boys. Congratulations on getting 
                         this far. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Who are you?

                                     MAN
                         I am... Wall*Mart. 

                                     STAN
                         You?

                                     WALL*MART
                         I've taken this form in order to talk 
                         to you. But I can take many forms.  
                         Does this suit you better? Or perhaps 
                         you prefer this form?  I can take whichever 
                         form I like. 
 
                                     STAN
                         We don't want your store in our town; 
                         we come to destroy you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Where's the heart?

                                     WALL*MART
                         To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one 
                         must first ask oneself, "Who is it that 
                         asked the question?" 
 
                                     STAN
                         Mr. I'm asking the question.

                                     WALL*MART
                         Ah, yes, but who are you?

                                     STAN
                         Stan Marsh. Now, where's the heart?
 
                         
                                     WALL*MART
                         Ah. You know the answer, but not the 
                         question!
 
                                     KYLE
                         The question is, "Where is the heart?"
 
                         
                                     WALL*MART
                         Very well. You want to see the heart 
                         of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasna-screen 
                         television. 
 
                                     STAN
                         It's a mirror.

                                     WALL*MART
                         Yes, don't you see? That is the heart 
                         of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take 
                         may forms: Wall*Mart, Kay*Mart, Target, 
                         but I am one single entity: Desire!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy 
                         the heart. 
 
                                     WALL*MART
                         Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done?? 
                          Now you shall see my true form!  Now 
                         you see me as I truly am!
 
                                     STAN
                         We'd better get out of here. 

                                     CHEF
                         Get out! It's gonna blow! 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, come on! We've gotta get out!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Too late for me, son! I have to buy 
                         this stuff!
 
                                     KYLE
                         The Wall*Mart is exploding! Everybody 
                         out now! 
 
               [Outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse 
               as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes 
               into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls 
               to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Cartman looks on 
               in astonishment, then cracks up and walks away]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Boys, you did it! You killed the Wall*Mart!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         How did you do it, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction 
                         sequence if you break a mirror in the 
                         back.
 
                                     CHEF
                         We know how to destroy it now. Spread 
                         the word to all the towns! 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Wait. I think I understand the symbolism 
                         of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Duh.

                                     RANDY
                         You see boys, if we like our small-town 
                         charm more than the big corporate bullies, 
                         we all have to be willing to... pay 
                         a little bit more. Do you understand?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah! Let's all go shop at Jim's Drugs 
                         down the street! 
 
               [Jim's Drugs, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks 
               to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger 
               two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building 
               reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to 
               Jim's Drugs' demise by fire]
 
                                     CROWD
                         ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.

                                     RANDY
                         All right, let's not make that mistake 
                         again.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, lets all shop over at Tru-Value!
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                         Let's go! Yeah! 

               THE END

Something WallMart This Way Comes



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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