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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 408


                        "SOMETHING YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR FINGER"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [A large city at night. Klieg lights pierce through the air as 
               a large crowd gathers in front of a large building.]
 
               Announcer	Tonight, Stellar Productions presents the boy band 
               of the decade! [women scream, jump, and shout. Signs sayins, 
               "FINGERBANG RULES" "FINGER BANG" "WE LOVE FINGER BANG" AND "FINGER 
               BANG 4EVER" bob throughout the audience] It's Fingerbang, live 
               from Madison Square Garden! [the interior is shown, with cheering 
               crowds. A heralding sound effect plays, and spotlights flicker 
               around the stage. A burst of fireworks cues the music and the 
               familiar silhouettes of four boys are shown on stage. A few women 
               faint]
 
                                     FINGERBANG
                         

               Fingerbang! [they each spin towards the audience once, then stop]
 
               
               Bang-bang!

               Fingerbang-bang! [they spin back to their first positions]

               Bangbangbang! [all step forward and do their routine]

               I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life

               Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright.

               'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight

               I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang you ever-y night

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               And girl, you know that you're the only girl for me, girl.

               Girl, you're the girl of my fantasies.

               You're my girl, you're my girl,

                                     WOMAN
                          Cartman, I want youuu!

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               My- ...girrrrrrrl... [lifts up his shirt to show off the right breast—um, 
               pec. The others turn to their right while maintaining their gaze 
               and pointing their gun fingers at the audience. The music builds 
               as women scream at the sight]
 
                                     FINGERBANG
                         

               Fingerbang!

               Bang. Bang bang bang.

               Fingerbang-bang!

               Bangbangbang!

               I'm gonna fingerbang-bang-

               "-you into my life

               Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright."]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! Yes! Yes, I'm a star! I'm a star! 
                         I'm-  Aaawww, I'm nobody! God-damnit! 
                          Wait a minute. Maybe that was a sign 
                         from God. That's it, isn't it? You want 
                         me to start a boy band so I can make 
                         $10 million, don't you? That's it! 
 
                         
               [Cartman's house, day. Cartman has Stan, Kyle, and Kenny over 
               in the living room.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Gentlemen, thank you for coming. This 
                         is the beginning of a great time in 
                         our lives.  God has finally spoken to 
                         me, you guys. And he has told me how 
                         I can make $10 million.
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...How?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Boy band.

                                     STAN
                         Boy band?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Boy band.

                                     KYLE
                         I'm not being in any  faggy boy band!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         There's nothing faggy about $10 million, 
                         asshole! This was a message from God!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That didn't stop any of the other boy 
                         bands, dumbass!  I've got prerecorded 
                         music we can sing to, just like they 
                         do. All we need to do is practice our 
                         choreography over and over and over!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (That sounds totally fuckin' stupid.)
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up, Kenny. And then, I know I can 
                         get us a gig at the South Park Mall. 
                          So everybody get in a straight line, 
                         we're gonna listen to a song from the 
                         top, and take it-!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wait a minute. There's only four of 
                         us.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So?

                                     KYLE
                         So, all boy bands have five members.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         *N Sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids On 
                         The Block. All had five members.
 
                                     STAN
                         He's right.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Damnit! Okay, okay okayokayokay. We'll 
                         put off practice for now, and hold auditions 
                         for a fifth member. Get the word out 
                         that auditions will be tomorrow morning!
 
                         
               [Stan's house, night. The family is gathered for dinner, enjoying 
               ham and turkey]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Did you have fun at Eric's house today, 
                         Stanley?
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, I guess.

                                     SHARON
                         What did you do?

                                     STAN
                         Well, Cartman wants to start a boy band, 
                         so we're gonna rehearse and then try 
                         to perform at the South Park Mall. 
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Oh well, that sounds nice.

                                     RANDY
                          No, it does not sound nice!  Stanley, 
                         you are gonna have no part in that boy 
                         band!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well but, Dad, all my friends are doing 
                         it.
 
                                     RANDY
                          If all your friends jumped off a cliff, 
                          would you do that too?
 
                                     STAN
                          Cartman says we can make $10 million.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE IN A BOY BAND, 
                         STANLEY! AND THAT IS FINAL! 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Geez, what's up Dad's ass?

               [Cartman's house, next morning, "BOY BAND AUDITIONS TODAY!!" 
               Music begins. Inside, Butters is singing his song in front of 
               the sofa]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         

               Little Bunny Foo-Foo hoppin' through the forest

               [scoops up imaginary mice, makes two fists, and bops the right 
               one with the left]
 
               Scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head

               [shimmies down with hands outstretched. The auditors look half-asleep]
 
               
               Down came a white angel and she said

               [the angel (left finger) reprimands the bunny]

               "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't wanna see you

               [the piano player seems familiar. The angle bops the bunny]
 
               
               Scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head."

               So now I'm gonna turn you into a worm, mbuh, mBunny Foo-Foo. 
               Eh, beh-POOF
 
               [slaps his right hand with his left, and one finger goes down, 
               leaving a worm]
 
               Little Wormy Foo-Foo crawlin' through the forest

               Gettin scooped up by the field mice who mah-m then they bopped 
               'im on the head
 
               [grins, then does a little kick forward]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Eheh, thank you Butters. We'll let 
                         you know.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah, I can do it again.

                                     CARTMAN
                          We'll let you know, Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ahah-oo well, alright then. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Pffft! Oh my God, his intonation was 
                         so off!
 
                                     KYLE
                         It was?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I don't think I could sing any 
                         better than that.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Guys, if we're gonna impress the mall 
                         owner and get that gig, we'd better 
                         do it better than that.  Next!
 
                                     STAN
                          Uuuh, next is Ike Broflovski.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle's brother??

                                     KYLE
                         I pormised my mom I'd let him try. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Chist's sake!

                                     PIANO KID
                         What key?

                                     IKE
                          G. 

               Itsy bitsy spider, out the water spout-

                                     CARTMAN
                          Next!

                                     IKE
                         Oh Danny Boy, the parson's calling
 
                         
               Clang, clang and clang

                                     CARTMAN
                          Next audition!

                                     IKE
                         E F G, H I J K L-M-N-O-P

                                     CARTMAN
                          GOD-DAMNIT, NEXT!

                                     IKE
                         When ah thanky you be

               One on a teacher on a palm tree.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Not the next song, the next PERSON! 
                          Aw, man, this is gonna be a long-ass 
                         day. 
 
               Cartman	Oh no! Nononononono! Sorry, Wendy, this tryouts for a 
               BOY band! [a grinning Wendy suddenly frowns and her head hangs.]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Aw, come on, dude. Let her try.

                                     CARTMAN
                          No way!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Cartman! You haven't liked 
                         anybody else!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okayokay, fine! WOW me!

                                     WENDY
                         

               Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.
 
               
               Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-

               Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit

               And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-

               Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.

               Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-
 
               
               Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,

               The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his

               Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt

               Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-

               Contaminated water can really make you sick.

               Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-

               Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck

               And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!

               [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny applaud]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us. We won't 
                         call you either, heheh. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what are you talkin' about? that 
                         was awesome!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, she's a CHICK!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, nobody's gonna notice.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nobody's gonna notice?! What about her 
                         huge freakin' hooters, huh?! 
 
                                     STAN
                         She's the best chance we have! I say 
                         she's in.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Me too.

                                     KENNY
                         (Me too.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is 
                         it? Alright, fine! She's in until she 
                         screws up!
 
                                     WENDY
                          Yeah!

               [Cartman's house, next morning, early. A rooster crows. Cartman 
               has his band in his room, and they are still drowsy. Stan is 
               about to fall over...]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okaaay! You guys all ready to rehearse?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, it's six in the morning. Do 
                         we have to rehearse this early?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We have to rehearse all that we can! 
                          Now, check this out:  My mom made us 
                         costumes!
 
                                     STAN
                         Costumes? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah.  This one's yours, Stan. 'N this 
                         one is Kyle's. This one will cover up 
                         Wendy's hooters... 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, Cartman, how come your costume 
                         has like, nose rings and facial hair?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         'Cause I'm like, you know, the tough 
                         one. Every boy band has to have the 
                         one member that, you know, 's tough.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          I wanna be the tough one.

                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Kyle, you are the sweet one. Will 
                         you please just cooperate and not-
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          I wanna be the tough one!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You can't be the tough one, because 
                         you're Jewish!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Jews are tough!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Since when?!

                                     KYLE
                         Since Abraham, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, fine! Here!  Jesus Christ, 
                         I wonder if every boy band has to go 
                         through this! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, Cartman, what does "fingerbang" 
                         mean, anyway?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I heard it on HBO. It means, like, you 
                         know, when you...  pretend to use your 
                         finger like a gun or something.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Hm hm, noho, that's not what it means.)
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Kenny says that's not what it means.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, Kenny, what does "fingerbang" 
                         mean, then?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (It's when you take your finger, and 
                         you stick it in a vagina and you stick 
                         it again and again.)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...What?! Who the hell would do that?! 
                         Jesus Christ! Grow up Kenny, would you?! 
                         Alright, boys, let's do it from the 
                         top. 1, 2, 3, 4,-!
 
               [South Park Mall, day. South Park is not so small anymore. Two 
               guards on the second floor relax against a glass railing]
 
                                     VETERAN GUARD
                          Now, I know that this is your first 
                         day on the job of mall security, rookie. 
                         Keepin' the law in a mall is just like 
                         any tough city, and especially because 
                         they don't let us have guns. It can 
                         be very dangerous.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright, guys. Let's do it like we 
                         rehearsed! We nned energy! We need to 
                         be up!
 
                                     VETERAN GUARD
                          Excuse me, just where do you think 
                         you're goin'?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're goin' to see the mall manager.
 
                         
                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Do you have the proper clearance?

                                     STAN
                          Uh oh, mall cops.

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         You have to make an appointment first. 
                         Now move along, sir.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          But we practiced for days. All we want 
                         to do is show the guy what we can do, 
                          so that maybe we'll have a chance to 
                         perform in the plaza of the- uh.  Aaaa! 
                         Aaaa! Ooww! Ow! Oh! God-damnit! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Jesus Christ!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, God, I can't see! 

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Move along, sir. Or I'll do it again. 
                          You see, you put your life on the line 
                         every day.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, I guess we can't get in to see 
                         the mall manager.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          The hell we can't! I'm not lettin' 
                         no washed-up law cops ruin my divine 
                         quest! Come on! 
 
               [South Park Mall, later. The two guards are watching shoppers 
               move along. A blond man with two bags walks by.]
 
                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Ey!  What are you doin'?

                                     MAN
                         Nothin'. Just... shoppin'.

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Move along, sir.  You see, sometimes 
                         you gotta just do that. Keeps shoppers 
                         on their toes — try it. 
 
                                     ROOKIE GUARD
                         Ey!  What are you doin'?

                                     WOMAN
                         Nothing. Wwhy?

                                     ROOKIE GUARD
                         Move along, ma'am. 

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         That's what being a mall cop is all 
                         about. Hyeuup.
 
                                     ROOKIE GUARD
                         Cool.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Attention mall shoppers: the next twenty 
                         people to buy an orange smoothie will 
                         also receive a complimetary Nissan Sentra. 
                         Hurry up. 
 
                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Jesus, they're gonna start a riot! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, guys, here we go.  Hello, sir!
 
                         
                                     MANAGER
                          What? Hey. Who are you? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         We... are Fingerbang!

                                     MANAGER
                         O-o-oh. What? How'd you get in here? 
                         Hey.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We would like to audition for you for 
                         a gig in the central plaza of your fine 
                         mall.
 
                                     MANAGER
                         What? O-oh. You wanna play at the mall? 
                         Like Tiffany?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sort of like Tiffany, yes. Can we audition?
 
                         
                                     MANAGER
                         Oh. Well, I guess. ...What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright! Let's do it, boys! 

                                     FINGERBANG
                         I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my 
                         life
 
               Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright.

               I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang you ever-y night

                                     CARTMAN
                         

               And girl you know you're cool, you're good, you're so much nicer, 
               girl.
 
               You're good. You're gonna be-

                                     MANAGER
                          Alright, that's enough!

                                     CARTMAN
                         -you're my fantasy, you fanta-

                                     MANAGER
                         Thank you.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Woll. So, can we play here?

                                     MANAGER
                         What?? ...No.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No??

                                     MANAGER
                         Who?? No!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why not?!

                                     MANAGER
                         Well uh, uh, oh... Right now there's a 
                         cheese and sausage cart in the plaza. 
                         And I would uh, I'd hate to have to 
                         move it off to the side for a while. 
                         What?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You don't think we're any good, do you?!
 
                         
                                     MANAGER
                         No. I mean, you're just not as good 
                         as sausage and cheese.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, come on guys. We gave it our best. 
                         
 
                                     MANAGER
                         Wow. That was your best? 

               [South Park Mall, later. The five are sitting on a bench on the 
               first floor]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow. I feel so rejected.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         There you are! You're the hoodlums who 
                         got on the intercom and started an orange 
                         smoothie riot!
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh oh.

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         I will now read you your mall rights! 
                         You have the right to shop at a variety 
                         of malls in all-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Run for it! 

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Go get 'em, rookie! 

               [Stan's house, later. Shelley's eating cereal, Sharon is at the 
               sink. Randy enters]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Where is Stan?

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, he's over at Eric's house practicing 
                         for his boy band.
 
                                     RANDY
                         What?! I specifically told him not to 
                         do that!
 
                                     SHARON
                         Now, Randy, calm down. It's just a silly 
                         little dream. They're not gonna actually 
                         make it.
 
                                     RANDY
                         And what if they do make it, Sharon?! 
                         What if they DO make it—are YOU gonna 
                         be the one to tell 'im?! 
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Mom, what's up Dad's ass?

                                     SHARON
                         It's a long story, Shelley. Let's just 
                         say your father- ...has a lot up his ass 
                         right now.
 
               [Chef's house. Cartman arrives and rings the bell]

                                     CHEF
                          Oh! Oh-ah, hello Eric.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Problem, Chef. I have m-many problems.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Wellll, if you uuhh, come back in just 
                         a little bit, Eric, I'll see if I can 
                         help you out. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I just don't know what I'm gonna do. 
                          Sometimes I wonder if God isn't toying 
                         with me. 
 
                                     CHEF
                          Alright, Eric, what's the matter?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Chef, God told me I was to start a boy 
                         band and make $10 million. The problem 
                         is, it isn't working. I mean,  I feel 
                         the music burning inside me. But I just 
                         can't express it right, you know? 
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Well, Eric, I, I think you were just 
                         focusin' in on the wrong thing. Boy 
                         bands aren't about music, Boy bands 
                         are created by corporations to make 
                         money. They're all based on the Gomlich 
                         effect.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's the Gomlich effect.

                                     CHEF
                         The law of physics that states, "If 
                         one girl screams for something, it will 
                         make other girls scream. And then, it 
                         grows exponentiously until all girls 
                         within a five-mile radius are screaming."
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         So how do boy bands use that?

                                     CHEF
                         All they do is make videos, showing 
                         tons and tons of girls screaming for 
                         the boy band. Once you get girls screaming, 
                         you can't stop 'em. They're crazih! 
                          Uh-uh, except for Lilian, of course. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thanks!

                                     CHEF
                         You're welcome. Now, go away!  A-and 
                         a cucumber in the pants never hurt either!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Cucumber in the pants. Got it. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, everybody, listen up! This 
                         is how this first shot is gonna work: 
                         The girls are standing here, and then 
                         the members of the band walk by looking 
                         cool. When you see us, you girls all 
                         scream like, "Oh my God, it's Fingerbang. 
                         Oh my God." Okay?
 
                                     BEBE
                         Are we gonna get paid now, or after?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'll pay you afterwards. Promise. Okay, 
                         Timmy, roll camera. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Tiimmmaaayyy! 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what's wrong with your leg?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh? Oh, Chef says to put a cucumber 
                         down my pants for good luck. 
 
                                     THE GIRLS
                          Aaah. Wow. Woohoo. Yay.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Waitwaitwaitwait, CUT!

                                     TIMMY
                         Huhaaaaah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Let's go crazier than that! I mean, 
                         you have to act like it's freakin' Leonardo 
                         Di Caprio!
 
                                     BEBE
                         We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo 
                         Di Caprio came walking past us.
 
                                     THE OTHER GIRLS
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine! Who would you go crazy for?

                                     THE GIRLS
                         ...Matt Lauer.

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Okay, fine! Pretend that we're Matt 
                         Lauer.
 
                                     BEBE
                         Oh. Okay. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Roll camera!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmuh! 

                                     THE GIRLS
                         AAAAAAAAAH! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jesus Christ!

               [South Park Elementary, playground, later. The band is still 
               shooting the video. Bebe and the redhead make a fuss over Cartman]
 
               
                                     FINGERBANG
                         Firgerbang-bang you ever-y night

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaand CUT.  Alright, our video's complete. 
                         Through the grace of God I can now go 
                         back to that mall manager and show him 
                         what ve've got!
 
                                     BEBE
                         Okay, so where's our money?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh uh, Kyle has it. 

                                     RANDY
                          Stanely, what the hell are you doing?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We are making a music video.

                                     RANDY
                         You get in the truck right now! 

                                     STAN
                         Dad, I was just a-

                                     RANDY
                          GET IN THE TRUCK! 

               [The road, the Marsh truck. Randy drives Stan home]

                                     STAN
                         Dad, I did all my chores. Why can't 
                         I play with my friends?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, it's just that there's better 
                         things you could be doing on a Saturday 
                         than singing and dancing. You could 
                         be warching TV or, laying in bed.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dad, I like being in a boy band. I think 
                         it's interesting.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, there's plenty of other interesting 
                         you can do! Have you ever tried marijuana?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     RANDY
                         Well, maybe it's time.

                                     STAN
                         Dad!

               [South Park Mall, late morning. The guards relax on the second 
               floor railings. A stooped man with a clear vessel filled with 
               a green substance walks past them]
 
                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Ey! What are you doin'?

                                     MADMAN
                         I've got a new strain of anthrax that 
                         I will soon unleash upon all of North 
                         America!
 
                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Move along, sir.

                                     MADMAN
                         Wuh? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Attention, shoppers: There are naked 
                         people at the orange smoothie machine. 
                         There are naked people at the orange 
                         smoothie machine. 
 
                                     A RUNNING SHOPPER
                         Oh my God!

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         God damnit! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello again!

                                     MANAGER
                         What? Oh. It's you. I don't like you.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I know you didn't love our audition. 
                         But now we have a video.
 
                                     MANAGER
                         Oh. What?

                                     CARTMAN
                          If you would, sir, just watch this 
                         and prepare to be wowed! 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh God damnit! Our camera guy kinda 
                         sucks, but this next shot we did was 
                         really cool. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Haaaah.  Timmih, livin' a lie!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Son of a bitch!

                                     MANAGER
                         Hey. This video is dumb.

                                     CARTMAN
                          You don't understand. Girls were going 
                         crazy for it. Please. This is what God 
                         want me to do. Ple-ease.
 
                                     MANAGER
                         Alright alright. What? Well, I guess 
                         I can move the sausage and cheese cart 
                         off to one side.  For a little while.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Really? You will?

                                     MANAGER
                         Only for twenty minutes, though.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's all we need! How about this afternoon 
                         at 3 o'clock?
 
                                     MANAGER
                         Oh. Okay. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! Thank you sir, you will not be 
                         disappointed! 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, Mrs. Cartman, I've been uh very 
                         bad. M'kay? 
 
                                     LIANE
                         You have been bad, so you're gonna have 
                         to drink from this glass. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, yeah, that makes me hot, m'kay? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, mom!

                                     MANAGER
                         Wow. What?

               [The Marsh house, later. Stan sits on the sofa as Randy paces 
               the floor back and forth]
 
                                     STAN
                         It's not fair, Dad! Why can't I be in 
                         a boy band?!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Because I said so!

                                     STAN
                         Dad, Cartman said we're gonna perform 
                         at the mall at 3 o'clock. My friends 
                         are gonna be pissed off at me.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Let 'em be pissed off, then!

                                     STAN
                         I don't understand! Just let me go do 
                         this one thing, and I won't ever-
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         NOOO!!  NOOO!! 

                                     STAN
                         Dad? What the hell is going on?

                                     RANDY
                         ...I was- ...I was 18 when my high-school 
                         men's choir performed at the grand opening 
                         of a sporting-goods store.in Denver. 
                          I was just one of fifteen members and 
                         I had no idea that a record producer 
                         was in the audience. 
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Kid, can I talk to you?

                                     RANDY
                         Uh sure.

                                     PRODUCER
                         Heh, you were really great up there. 
                         Too good for a pissant choir in a pissant 
                         mountain town.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Ohh, thanks.

                                     PRODUCER
                         Listen: I'm putting together a rock 
                         group. A vocal group called the Ghetto 
                         Avenue Boys. I think you would make 
                         a perfect member.
 
                                     RANDY
                         What? Me? Do you like my singing that 
                         much?
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Yeah, I think your mustache is perfect. 
                         How would you like to come to New York 
                         and start a singing career?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh my God, I don't know. I mean, I still 
                         have another year of high school, and 
                         I-
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Hey, look, if you don't want it, I'll 
                         keep looking-
 
                                     RANDY
                          No! Wait. I mean, ah-I'll think about 
                         it.
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         I take it that means yes. Call me in 
                         the morning. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         And just like that I left everything. 
                         I dropped out of high school...
 
                                     RANDY
                          See ya. 

                                     RANDY
                         ...I said good-bye to my girlfriend...
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         See ya. 

                                     RANDY
                         ...And I left my family.

                                     RANDY
                         See ya. 

                                     RANDY
                         And suddenly there I was, thrown into 
                         a group with four other young men who 
                         I didn't even know. 
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Take 112!

                                     GHETTO AVENUE BOYS
                         You've... got... it!

               What you've got is it!

                                     RANDY
                         It's obvious to me.

                                     RANDY
                         The songs were terrible. But believe 
                         it or not, the country ate them up. 
                         The next thing I knew, we were the biggest 
                         thing in the world. 
 
                                     GHETTO AVENUE BOYS
                         Shirl! You've... got... it!

               It... is what you've got, girl!

               What you've got is it!

                                     RANDY
                         Now, give it to me, 'cause-

                                     RANDY
                          I had everything. A huge house,  and 
                         all the women you can imagine.  And 
                         then one day, just as quick as it started...
 
                         
                                     PRODUCER
                          Alright, guys, let's take it from the 
                         top.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hey, Mr. Allens

                                     PRODUCER
                         Heh? Woh. Uh. R-randy.

                                     RANDY
                         Who are they 

                                     PRODUCER
                         These are the Avenue Ghetto Street Boys, 
                         my... new boy band.
 
                                     RANDY
                         But, w-we're still selling records, 
                         right?
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Look, kid, you're just getting a little... 
                         old to be in a boy band.
 
                                     RANDY
                         I'm 19.

                                     PRODUCER
                         Get a life, Marsh!  Alright, guys, let's 
                         take it from the top.
 
                                     RANDY
                         They said that after all the money we 
                         had made we were in debt to the studio, 
                         so they towed my car...
 
                                     TOW TRUCK DRIVER
                          See ya. 

                                     RANDY
                         ...the women all left...

                                     WOMEN
                         See ya. 

                                     RANDY
                         ...and they took back my house

                                     RANDY
                          Ugh. 

                                     PRODUCER
                         See ya. 

                                     RANDY
                         The only thing I could do was come back 
                         to Colorado, and face everyone that 
                         I had abandoned.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Hey! Weren't you the guy in that stupid 
                         boy band, the Ghetto Avenue Boys?
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         Sure, I remember you!  You got it, baby. 
                         You got it, baby. 
 
                                     RANDY
                          And so you see, Stanley, I... do know 
                         what I'm talking about.
 
                                     STAN
                         Jesus Christ. ...I never knew.

                                     RANDY
                         I didn't want you to know. Because now 
                         I'm a joke. Ever since then, I've wished 
                         every single day that I could go back 
                         to that moment when I was offered the 
                         job and say, "No!" Because all the fame 
                         and the money, the women—all it did 
                         was build me up, so that I could be 
                         knocked down harder than anybody in 
                         the world.  That is what being in a 
                         boy band is all about, Stanley.  It's 
                         people smothering you and embracing 
                         you and loving you and then ssspitting 
                         you out and throwing you away like you 
                         were last night's pork chops! Now we 
                         wander the earth in disarray—us, New 
                         Kids On The Block, the Osmonds... We're 
                         all the same. And THAT... is why you can't 
                         go to the mall! 
 
                                     STAN
                          ...Oh-kay.

               [South Park Mall, afternoon. Most of Fingerbang is on the plaza 
               stage, peeking out from behind a curtain with the band's name 
               on it. People begin to gather in front of the stage.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wew. There must be at least 20 people 
                         out there. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Where the hell is Stan?!

                                     KYLE
                         He'll be here. Stan wouldn't douche.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I swear to God, if he ruins this dream 
                         of mine I will HAVE HIS NUTS!
 
                                     MANAGER
                          Hey. Uh, are you gonna do that thing 
                         or what?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. Yes, sir, any second—we're just 
                         waiting on one more member.
 
                                     MANAGER
                         Well hurryup. I can't keep the sausage 
                         and cheese cart off this spot much longer. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. We'll start right away.  We'll 
                         have to do it without him.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hell no! I'm not being part of a four-member 
                         boy band! We'll look stupid!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, God-damnit!

               [The Marsh house, later. Randy is sitting at the foot of his 
               bed, reading from an issue of Teen Heat dedicated to the band. 
               The camera zooms out fron the magazine cover to Randy reading]
 
               
                                     STAN
                          Dad?

                                     RANDY
                         Huh? Yeah?

                                     STAN
                         Well,... I just wanted to tell you... that 
                         I don't think you're a joke. I mean, 
                         whatever you used to be, you're just 
                         my dad. And you're the best dad I've 
                         ever had.
 
                                     RANDY
                          Come here, Stanley.  Stan, it was wrong 
                         of me to try and stop you from joining 
                         a boy band without explaining why. I've 
                         made some mistakes in my life, and now... 
                         I have to let you make your own mistakes.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     RANDY
                         You know, in a way, I think I was even 
                         jealous of you being in a boy band. 
                         Isn't that stupid?
 
                                     STAN
                         Not really. Not any more stupid than 
                         some of the other stuff you've done.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Well, come on. I'll drive you down to 
                         the mall.
 
                                     STAN
                         Really??

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. I wanna see what you guys can 
                         do. And then we'll go buy you a small 
                         toy so that you can forget all about 
                         this.
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright! 

               [South Park Mall, afternoon. Everyone is waiting for Fingerbang 
               to sing]
 
                                     MAN
                         What's happening here?

                                     WOMAN
                         I don't know, uh. I guess nothng.

                                     MAN
                         Hm. Well, let's just walk away then. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God damnit! People are walking away! 
                         
 
                                     MANAGER
                          Alright, kids, uh, that does it. You're 
                         gonna have to move and make way for 
                         the sausage and cheese cart.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just another minute.

                                     MANAGER
                         Sorry! Get out! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well God, I guess you got me again, 
                         didn't you? Hyeah, that was a good one, 
                         God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick 
                         bastard.
 
                                     WENDY
                          What's that? 

                                     KYLE
                         It's Stan! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, thank you God! Oh, praise his name! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, where the hell have you been?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Sir! We're all here now! Can we go 
                         on, please?
 
                                     MANAGER
                         Who? Well. Okay, I guess. But hurry 
                         up.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We will!  Ladies and gentlemen, we are 
                         about to witness the next great boy 
                         band of the countrih! Someday you will 
                         all be among those who can say, "I saw 
                         Fingerbang when they first performed 
                         at some crappy little mall."  And so, 
                         without further ado, all five members 
                         of the...
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Uf) 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     CARTMAN
                          No! He can't be dead!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, he's pretty dead.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! We were so close!

                                     MANAGER
                         Alright, that's it, kids! Get out!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         But we have to perform!

                                     KYLE
                         We don't have a fifth member, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh, yes we do.

               [South Park Mall, later. The stage is set, the intro begins]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you all for your patience, and 
                         now get ready for Fingerbang!
 
                                     FINGERBANG
                         

               Fingerbang!

               Bang bang. [audience members look at each other]

               Fingerbang-bang!

               Bangbangbang. [people begin to leave]

               I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life

               Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright. [Janitors wearing 
               face masks scrape Kenny's remains off the elevator]
 
               'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight [the veteran 
               mall guard swivels his hips around happily as the rookie looks 
               on]
 
               Fingerbang-bang you ever-y night!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Chuh!  Yes! Yes! Thank youuuu, yes!
 
                         
               [South Park Mall, later. Janitors continue cleaning the elevator 
               that crushed Kenny, the sausage and cheese cart is rolled back 
               on stage, and Fingerbang sits on the edge of the stage, dropping 
               pieces of their costumes into the pit below]
 
                                     KYLE
                         We made two dollars.

                                     STAN
                         You were great, dad.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. I guess I still got it in me a 
                         little.
 
                                     LITTLE GIRL
                         Can I get your autograph?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ok- Okay okay

                                     VETERAN GUARD
                          Hey, don't hassle the talent, ma'am!
 
                         
                                     LITTLE GIRL
                          I actually don't really know who they 
                         are, I was just getting an autograph 
                         and-  A-a-aaa-a-aaah!
 
                                     VETERAN GUARD
                         Move along, ma'am.  Eh, that was pretty 
                         good, kids. Maybe you can come perform 
                         at my Elks Club sometime.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, yeah, maybe.  God. Now it's like 
                         everybody wants a piece of us.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know if I can handle all this 
                         fame. I mean, I always thought I'd wanna 
                         become famous, but now that I am, I 
                         don't know if I like it. I mean, I probably 
                         can't even walk through this mall right 
                         now without people goin', "Oh my God, 
                         it's the Fingerbang guy! Oh my God!"
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         ...Yeah. That's gonna suck.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. I just wanna be a normal kid again. 
                         Have a normal life and appreciate what 
                         I have.
 
                                     RANDY
                          Well, I think you boys are very smart 
                         for your age. Come on. I'll buy you 
                         all an orange smoothie. 
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't think they sell those anymore. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Cartman, do you think God's getting 
                         mad at you for not making $10 million? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, screw God. I'm not scared o' him. 
                         He's a pussy.  You know I'm just kiddin', 
                         right? Heheyeah. 
 
               THE END

Something You Can Do With Your Finger



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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