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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 708


                                 "SOUTH PARK IS GAY!"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, school bus stop, morning. Stan, Cartman and Kenny 
               wait for the bus. Stan is dressed in fishnet tank top, artsy 
               pants, and a new, furry cap with the same colors as his old one. 
               Cartman is dressed in a Madonna fashion shirt and artsy pants. 
               His hair is tussled and brighter than usual. Kenny is dressed 
               in a purple parka with light purple sleeves. A lock of his hair 
               peeks out from under the hood.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, you guys are not gonna believe 
                         what happened to me last night.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What? Tell us?

                                     STAN
                         So, I'm watching the season premiere 
                         of Boy Meets Boy on television, and 
                         then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy 
                         come on, right? So I fall asleep in 
                         front of the TV, and when I wake up, 
                         I see that I've spilled the Coke I was 
                         drinking all over my satin pajama top.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my Gosh, are you serious? That was 
                         the cutest top ever!
 
                                     STAN
                         I know!

                                     KENNY
                         (I just LOVE this jacket 'cause it's 
                         SOOO beautiful!)
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.

                                     KYLE
                          Hey dudes. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          What a dork!

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nice jacket, Kyle! Polyester is really 
                         the hot fabric this fall! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, but, this is the jacket I always 
                         wear.
 
                                     STAN
                         You've gotta get with the times, girlfriend.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, that jacket is so September 10th. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oohh my God, you got splotches on your 
                         neck. Are you using any exfoliating 
                         products at all??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We can't let Kyle out in public like 
                         this, you guys.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (That's the truth.)

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Kyle! We're giving you a makeover! 
                         
 
                                     [MONTAGE
                         The boys take Kyle to a clothing store 
                         and give him some suits to try out. 
                         They choose an outfit and haul him off 
                         to the next store, a barbershop. A woman 
                         styles Kyle's hair. Next is a pedicure. 
                         Kyle wears the outfit Kenny chose. Next 
                         stop: Forever 16, and finally Marcy's. 
                         Next, all four of them are getting facials. 
                         The last scene is of the four boys walking 
                         down the middle of the street, all dressed 
                         in new clothes. Cartman takes off his 
                         shades and the camera enters his eye]
 
                         
                                     SINGERS (WIDELIFE)
                         You... came into my life... and my world 
                         never looked so bright. Yeah.
 
               It's true. You bring out the best in me.

               When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep 
               getting better.
 
               It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and better 
               (All things just keep getting better).
 
               [The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila watch TV from their 
               couch]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Coming up on HBC, it's Queer Eye for 
                         the Staight Guy!
 
                                     CARSON
                          We have got to get you some tighter-fitting 
                         shirts!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Then it's Boy Meets Boy, followed by 
                         Will and Grace, and then, the Love Boat... 
                         with Men.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         My goodness, there certainly are a lot 
                         of gay shows on television these days.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah. I think it's great that gays are 
                         finally being so accepted. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hi Mom, Hi Dad!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          HAAAAAA!!!  Kyle! What's happened to 
                         you??
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. Don't 
                         be such a drama queen! 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh my God! Come on, Sheila!  We'd better 
                         go tell the other parents what's going 
                         on!! 
 
               [The Marsh house. Gerald is pounding on the front door and Sharon 
               answers.]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh hi Gerald, Sheila.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hi Sharon. Uh, we need to talk to you 
                         about the boys.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching 
                         TV.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, is the game on or something? 

                                     RANDY
                          Heeey Geraaald! How are youuuu!! 
 
                         
                                     OTHER MEN
                         Geraaald! Hi Gerald.

                                     STUART
                         Sit down, Jer-Jer! Queer Eye For the 
                         Straight Guy is on.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh no! Y-you guys all turned gay too?? 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Not gay, Gerald, metrosexual.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What's that?

                                     SKEETER
                         Just because a guy cares about how he 
                         looks and is in touch with his feminine 
                         side doesn't mean he's gay anymore.
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Yeah. Metrosexual means you're straight, 
                         but you appreciate the gay culture.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         It's super-fabulous. Would you like 
                         some shirazz?
 
               [The ladies look on from the kitchen]

                                     SHARON
                         Don't our men look

                                     LINDA
                         Haven't you seen Quuer Eye For the Straight 
                         Guy, Sheila? These five gay men go around 
                         and show straight men how to better 
                         themselves. It's the best.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It is?

                                     SHARON
                         Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are 
                         all so clean and neat. My Randy irons 
                         his clothes and even has pedicures.
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         And they like to talk about their feeling 
                         now and drink wine and decorate the 
                         house.
 
                                     SARAH
                         My Steven shaved his chest and his balls. 
                         OOOO, I love it!
 
                                     SHARON
                         And how about our boys, huh? Ever since 
                         gay culture became cool, our boys bathe 
                         every night and brush their teeth three 
                         times a day. This is the greatest thing 
                         ever.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I don't know. Sometimes boys take cultural 
                         fads too far...
 
               [South Park, day. The boys go to school in their new threads. 
               They stop at the main entrance]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see 
                         how gay I look!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's true, you guys. When the chicks 
                         at school see how gay we are, they're 
                         gonna be all over us.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!!)

                                     STAN
                         All right. Let's work it!  What the...?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classies.
 
                         
                                     CONNOR
                         Okay, sweetums. 

                                     CLYDE
                         Oh my God, where is my homework?! I 
                         am fr-eaking a-out! 
 
                                     A BOY
                         Hey dudes. 

                                     STAN
                         Hey Craig.

                                     CRAIG
                         You guys look pretty gay.

                                     KYLE
                          Thanks.

                                     CRAIG
                          Not as gay as us, though.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, please Craig, we're ten times gayer 
                         than you!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Oh yeah?! We're superduper triple-dog 
                         gay!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! We're all just super stamp 
                         it stamp it no erasies mega gay!
 
                                     CHEF
                          What's all this fightin' about, children?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         These guys are trying to say they're 
                         gayer than us!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have 
                         taken up this whole metrosexual fad, 
                         too!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is 
                         who we are!
 
                                     CHEF
                         No it isn't. Last year you children 
                         were all trying to be black, and now 
                         you're trying to be gay!
 
                                     STAN
                         We're metrosexual!!

                                     CRAIG
                         Maybe. But you'll never be as metrosexual 
                         as us! Come on, fags! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         GOD I HATE CRAIG!!  That son of a... 
                         djah!! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Chef, I don't feel very metrosexual.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Well, then, don't buy into this fad, 
                         Kyle. Be who you are, not what's cool.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         All right children, let's take our seats.
 
                         
                                     CLASS
                          Good morning Mr. Garrison. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, uh d-don't you all look nice.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Oooo, Timmy. 

                                     STAN
                         Dude! W-what are you doing?

                                     KYLE
                         I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, 
                         dude. I'm just being me.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         HA! Told you you guys were straight!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We're not straight! You're straight!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're straight like a freedway!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the hell is going on??

                                     CARTMAN
                         You wish you were gay, Craig! In you 
                         dreams!!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...So? I'm half bisexual!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know 
                         what you're talking about!! Eric, you're 
                         not half-bi!!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was 
                         bi, so that makes me quarter-bi.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         WHAT??

               [Nighttime. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave walk down the street.]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It was the crazies thing I've ever seen, 
                         Mr. Slave. All the children were suddenly 
                         acting like being gay was cool. I mean, 
                         maybe we're not the only gay couple 
                         in town anymore. 
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Oh, Jethuth Chritht.

               [The bar, inside. Disco music is playing. Mr. Garrison looks 
               in awe at the metrosexuals now milling about.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Look at that, Mr. Slave.  Our cup runneth 
                         over.
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                          Jethuth Chritht.

                                     JIMBO
                          Mr. Garrison, those are great pants.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, 
                         too.  Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna 
                         come back to my place with me and Mr. 
                         Slave?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Uh, for what?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, you know...

                                     JIMBO
                         No.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Huh.

                                     RANDY
                         Mr. Garrison!  Hey doll.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh hey Randy.

                                     RANDY
                         You're looking ultra-fabulous.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wull thanks. You too.  So uh, Randy, 
                         you want me to give you a hand job in 
                         the bathroom?
 
                                     RANDY
                          Nuno, thanks, I'm, I'm not like that.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Not, not like that?

                                     RICHARD
                          How about some shirazz, guys? 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Uh-OH, thanks, Mr. Tweek.

                                     RICHARD
                         My pleasure, silly-buns.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, wuh, welluh, Mr. Tweek, why don't 
                         we uh, go back to my place.
 
                                     RICHARD
                         Why?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, you know, I was just thinking 
                         we could... put on some music and watch 
                         videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little 
                         ass.
 
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Woohoohoohoo, Jethuth Chritht.

                                     RICHARD
                         Wohohoho, goodness no. I, I'm straight.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Straight? Bu-uh, Oh what... Jesus, what 
                         the hell is goin' on here?!
 
                                     PATRONS
                         Huh?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's 
                         butt?!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, we don't "pound butt," Mr. Garrison, 
                         we're straight.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Those pants and those shoes say you 
                         pound butt!!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Heeey, now that's not true. My shoes 
                         don't say I pound butt.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, your shoes say you take it in the 
                         butt!!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         'Sokay, Mr. Garrison. We learned that 
                         gays are totally cool. You're just one 
                         of us now.
 
                                     PATRONS
                         Yeah.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         One of you?!  We've spent our whole 
                         lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You 
                         can't do this to us!!
 
               [South Park Elementary, playground, day]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Have you guys seen this? It's a conditioner 
                         that you can leave in, and it detoxifies 
                         the scalp.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, is that from Origins?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that-
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Hey guys. You wanna throw the football 
                         around?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Guys, can I talk to you over here for 
                         a second?  Look, guys, a lot of the 
                         kids in school are talking, okay? And 
                         they're spreading rumors that we're 
                         not metrosexuals because... we hang 
                         out with Kyle.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, what can we do about it?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We have no choice, you guys. We're just 
                         gonna have to kill Kyle.
 
                                     STAN
                         What?? That's stupid. We wouldn't have 
                         to kill Kyle! We would just to tell 
                         him not to hang around us anymore.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, you know, you're right, Stan. We 
                         just have to tell Kyle not to hang around 
                         us anymore.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Wait, what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You hear that, Kenny? Stan thinks we 
                         should tell Kyle not to hang around 
                         us anymore. I think he's right. Good 
                         luck telling him, Stan. I... know it 
                         won't be easy.
 
                                     CRAIG
                          Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got 
                         there. 
 
                                     TOKEN
                         When was the last guy you had a manicure, 
                         straight man? 
 
                                     JASON
                         Yeah, let's see that hair.  Look, he's 
                         not even using any product! 
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey, what's goin' on?

                                     CRAIG
                         Oh, here come the butch boys to help 
                         their butchy little friend!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He's not our friend. 

                                     KYLE
                         Stan? 

                                     JASON
                          This playground is for metrosexuals, 
                         macho man!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Take your non-flaming ass to some other 
                         school! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         No! Ah!

               [South Park sign, now with a bed of flowers under it]

               [The Broflovski house. Kyle returns with bruises all over his 
               body. His mom is dusting]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle! What happened to you?!

                                     KYLE
                          I got beat up at school... for being 
                         different.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for 
                         being a Jew?
 
                                     KYLE
                         No! For not being a metrosexual.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Gerald! Gerald, get down here!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Heeere I come! 

                                     KYLE
                         Oh no! Dad's metrosexual too?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle! You look terrible! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         The boys at school beat him up, Gerald.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, really?! Well, don't you worry, 
                         Kyle. We can cover that black eye up 
                         with some cream base, and the coat and 
                         pants we'll bleach with an acid wash 
                         for a fun vintage look.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Gah! Just leave me alone! 

                                     A VOICE
                         There you go! Now you look fabulous.
 
                         
                                     KYAN
                         You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders 
                         for your look.
 
                                     KYLE
                         GRRRRR!!

                                     THOM
                         Now let's get down to the tango class 
                         and learn some new steps. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         That does it! I know what I have to 
                         do! 
 
               [Chef's house, day. Mr. Garrison rings the bell]

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Chef, can I talk to you?

                                     CHEF
                         Sure. Come on in.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thanks. Come, Slave.  Oh, it's just 
                         awful, Chef! I used to feel like an 
                         outsider, a totally different person 
                         who stood out in this town! Now every 
                         straight guy is acting gayer than me!
 
                         
                                     MR. SLAVE
                          Oh Jethuth! Jethuth Chritht!

                                     CHEF
                         Well, what do you want me to do about 
                         it?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Chef, what did you do when white people 
                         stole your culture?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh. Well, we black people just always 
                         tried to stay out in front of them.
 
                         
                                     MR. SLAVE
                          How did you do that?

                                     CHEF
                         Well, like with our slang. Black people 
                         always used to say, "I'm in the house" 
                         instead of "I'm here." But then white 
                         people all started to say "in the house" 
                         so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." 
                         Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then 
                         white folk started saying that, and 
                         we had to change it to hizzie, then 
                         "in the hizzle" which we had to change 
                         to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because 
                         white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," 
                         we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          We don't have time for all that, Chef! 
                         Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the 
                         Straight Guy people understood what 
                         they were doing.  Wait.  That's it! 
                         I know exactly what to do!  Come on, 
                         Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity 
                         floppity floop. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh no! Damnit! Don't call it that! 
 
                         
               [South Park Train Station. Kyle approaches a ticket booth]

                                     KYLE
                         One ticket to New York, please.

                                     CLERK
                          You're going to New York alone?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm going to see the Queer Eye For the 
                         Straight Guy people.
 
                                     CLERK
                         Oooo, great idea! They can help you 
                         with those dated clothes.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mrrh.  Mr. Garrison?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Kyle, what are you doing here?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm going to New York to kill the Queer 
                         Eye For the Straight Guy people!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What?? That's what I'm doing!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh no! They ruined my life! I get to 
                         kill them first!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         They took gay culture from real gays 
                         and their asses are ours!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I thoght of it first!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No you didn't! No you didn't!

                                     KYLE
                         Did so! Did so!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I thought of it yesterday!

                                     KYLE
                         I thought of it two days ago!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I thought of it before you were born!
 
                         
                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Stop it, you two! Stop it! Don't you 
                         see how crazy this is?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh.  You're right, Mr. Slave. We can 
                         both kill them together.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cool.

               [South Park Mall, day. The boys are at a clothing store]

                                     STAN
                         Wow, we look great!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and let's see Craig outgay us 
                         now.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Boys! Boys! Come on! There's a sale 
                         down in Express for Men!  Hey guys! 
                         There's a sale in Express for Men! 
 
                         
                                     RICHARD
                         Oh my God!

                                     MAN
                         Let's go! Let's go!

                                     MAN 2
                          You guys have got to see these shoes 
                         I bought!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in 
                         seven hours! Oh, why can't we all live 
                         at the mall?!
 
                                     SHARON
                         You know, I'm starting to think this 
                         whole metrosexual thing isn't so great.
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         I know what you mean. All my husband 
                         ever does now is look at himself in 
                         the mirror. He cares more about how 
                         he looks than how I look.
 
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         I hope something happens soon to put 
                         an end to this whole fad.
 
               [HBC Television Headquarters, New York. The head of programming 
               is with the Queer Eye guys]
 
                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         Guys, you've done a terrific job. Queer 
                         Eye For the Straight Guy is our number 
                         one show! 
 
                                     CARSON
                         What can I say? We're fabulous.

                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         You guys are changing the world! And 
                         tomorrow, we're gonna have you make 
                         over the President of the United States!
 
                         
                                     JAI
                         Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint. 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Room service. 

                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         What? We didn't order any room service.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, well, the woman at the front desk 
                         sent it up.
 
                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         Carol?  Well, I'll have to check on 
                         this. Excuse me a minute, fellas. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Clear!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Okay, Mr. Slave! 

                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Unh, Jethuth  Chritht.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well crap, that didn't work.

               [South Park Mall, day. Stan and his group face off against Craig 
               and his group at the center of the mall]
 
                                     STAN
                         You'd better shut up, Craig.

                                     CRAIG
                         Everyone knows it's true!

                                     STAN
                         It is not!

                                     CRAIG
                         Is so!

                                     TOM
                         Craig! Behave yourself!

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting 
                         about?
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad, Craig is trying to say that his 
                         dad can outdress you!
 
                                     RANDY
                         What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight 
                         about.
 
                                     TOM
                         Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress 
                         better than Randy.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh really?!

                                     TOM
                         I mean, you do have the fashion sense 
                         of a Japanese woman.
 
                                     SOME MEN
                         Ooooo.

                                     RANDY
                         Please, girlfriend. You look like some 
                         kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare.
 
                         
                                     OTHER MEN
                         Oh no, errrr!

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, stop it! Will you all just stop 
                         it?!  Look, you guys are carrying this 
                         fad too far! Will you please stop acting 
                         this way?!
 
                                     TOM
                         You don't... like us being metrosexual?
 
                         
                                     THE WOMEN
                         NO!

                                     RANDY
                         Well, you know what I think? I think 
                         you're all metrophobic!
 
                                     THE MALES
                         Yeah!!

                                     LINDA
                         What?

                                     JIMBO
                         We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves, 
                         we should be uniting against metrophobes 
                         like these!
 
                                     SHARON
                         This is crazy!

                                     RANDY
                          Crazy? Different? Outcasts? Call us 
                         what you want. But us metros are real 
                         people, just like you!
 
                                     TOM
                          You can metrobash us all you want, 
                         but we're here to stay!
 
                                     CRAIG
                          Yeah Mom! We're proud of who we are.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          That's right. Proud. You know what 
                         I think, guys? I think we should have 
                         a metrosexual pride parade.
 
                                     RYAN
                         Great idea, Eric! Raise metrosexual 
                         awareness!
 
                                     STUART
                         We can make floats and decorate them 
                         with streamers and flowers!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoohoo!)

                                     RANDY
                         Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and 
                         into the streets!
 
                                     THE MALES
                         Out of the malls and into the streets! 
                         Out of the malls and into the streets! 
                         Out of the malls and into the streets!
 
                         
                                     MRS. TWEEK
                         What the hell did that show do to them?
 
                         
               [HBC Television Headquarters, New York. Police have been called 
               in and have apprehended Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle]
 
               
                                     OFFICER
                         You sure you don't want to press charges?
 
                         
                                     KYAN
                         That's okay, officer. I think they learned 
                         murder is wrong.
 
                                     CARSON
                         Especially in those pants.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to 
                         murder you, but... You have to stop 
                         what you're doing!
 
                                     JAI
                         Are you crazy?! We're the hottest thing 
                         on TV!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         But don't you see the price? You're 
                         selling out your own kind. Look, us 
                         gays have created a lifestyle, a, a 
                         culture that is uniquely ours. If we 
                         keep trying to make straight people 
                         into us, well, we're gonna have no identity 
                         left.
 
                                     KYAN
                         Sorry Charlie, no sale. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Buh... but... this doesn't make sense! 
                          How can gay men do this to their own 
                         people??  Unless... you're not gay at 
                         all... 
 
                                     THOM
                         You just had to push it, didn't you?!
 
                         
                                     JAI
                         Just had to keep asking question!

                                     CARSON
                          Now you know the truth!

                                     KYLE
                         They aren't gay? Then what are they?
 
                         
                                     KYAN
                         We're a thousand years our kind have 
                         lived beneath the earth's crust! Banished 
                         by man in the Kindling Wars.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh my God. 

                                     LEADER
                         We are the Crab People!

                                     KYLE
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

                                     MR. SLAVE
                         Jethuth Chritht!

                                     THE QUEER EYE GUYS
                          Craaab People! Craaab People! Craaab 
                         People!
 
               [A subterranean cave. The crab people lead their hostages to 
               their camp. "Craaab People! Craaab People! Craaab People!"]
 
               
                                     CRAB LEADER
                          See now where we have been forced to 
                         live for a thousand years! But soon 
                         we shall rule the land above, and mankind 
                         will be gone!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Gone?? 

                                     CRAB MAN 2
                         Crab people are too small and weak to 
                         take over man by force, and so we came 
                         up with our perfect plan! 
 
                                     CARSON REPLICA
                         If you can't beat man,  change man!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I knew it! I knew gay people would never 
                         do this to their own kind! 
 
                                     CRAB LEADER
                         When all the world is metrosexual, the 
                         crab people shall finally reign supreme!! 
                         
 
                                     CRAB PEOPLE
                         Craaab People! Craaab People!

                                     CRAB SOLO
                         Taste like crab, talk like people.
 
                         
                                     CRAB PEOPLE
                         Craaab People!

                                     KYLE
                         You'll never turn ME into a metrosexual! 
                         I like being a dirty, filthy little 
                         boy!
 
                                     CRAB MAN 2
                          Very well. If we can't make you into 
                         metrosexuals, then we will make you 
                         into crab people! Take them!! 
 
               Singers

                                     (CRAB PEOPLE)
                         All things just keep getting better
 
                         
               You... came into my life

               (Crab People)

               and my world never looked so bright. Yeah. 

               (Crab People)

               It's true. You bring out the best in me. 

               (Crab People)

               When you are around, when you are around, 

               (Crab People)

               All things just keep getting better. 

               (Crab People)

               [South Park, day. A Metrosexual Pride Parade moves down the street 
               in the background, and News 4 is covering it.]
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, 
                         where the first Metrosexual Pride Parade 
                         is underway! 
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         We're here! 

               We're not queer! [clap clap]

               But we're clsoe! [clap clap]

               Get used to it!

               We're here! [clap clap]

               We're not queer! [clap clap]

               But we're clsoe! [clap clap]

               Get used to it!

                                     SHARON
                          That does it! I can't take it anymore!
 
                         
                                     THE BOYS
                         We're here! 

               We're not queer! [clap clap]

               But we're clsoe! [clap clap]

               Get used to it!

                                     LINDA
                         I should have never wished for a cleaner, 
                         neater husband.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Ladies, get yoru things! I know what 
                         we have to do! 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Whoa, look out! 

                                     RANDY
                         Oh my God, it's on fire! 

                                     SKEETER
                         Put it out! Put it out!

                                     RANDY
                         I can't do anything! These are brand-new 
                         pants!
 
                                     SKEETER
                         The heat could really damage our hair. 
                         We'd better let the police handle this!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Are you crazy? I just had my uniform 
                         pressed!
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Oh Jesus, it's burning! Oh my God!
 
                         
                                     SKEETER
                         Eeeek!

                                     RANDY
                         Put it out! Put it out! Fire!

               [HBC Headquarters, New York. The Queer Eye guys work on President 
               Bush on their show]
 
                                     CARSON
                         Mr. President, it is such an honor to 
                         make you over!
 
                                     KYAN
                         Now, we've got to do something with 
                         yoru hair.
 
                                     THOM
                         And your nails are filthy. Let's get 
                         those clean.
 
                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         This is gay gold! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Stop them! They're crab people!

                                     CRAB MAN 3
                         They cannot see or hear us, foolish 
                         man. Now stand by and watch as your 
                         pitiful race becomes helplesss!!
 
                                     CARSON
                         That is very good, Mr. President. Now, 
                         put on this silk jacket. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         No Mr. President!! Don't do it!  Help!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You bastards!

                                     KYAN
                         That looks great! Now, how about some 
                         moisturizer. 
 
                                     SHARON
                         There they are! Get 'em!

                                     KYAN
                         What? 

                                     LINDA
                         You turned our husbands into whiny little 
                         wusses!!
 
                                     SARAH
                         It's payback time! 

                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         Oh my God, what are they doing?!

                                     CRAB MAN 3
                         Oh noooo!! 

                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                          Wha? What have you done?

                                     SHARON
                         We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice. 
                         You see, at first we liked having our 
                         men be clean and neat. We thought that 
                         having them use product in their hair 
                         and wanting facials would make them 
                         sexier. But it doesn't.
 
                                     LINDA
                         That's right. Event though my Steven 
                         sickens me out sometimes, it's his rugged 
                         manly grossness that I'm attracted to.
 
                         
                                     SARAH
                         We're sorry, but we knew that the only 
                         answer was tuh kill the Queer Eye guys.
 
                         
                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         Well you're going to jail for thi-! 
                          Wait a minute.  What is that?
 
                                     CRAB LEADER
                         No! Our evil plans! Noooo... 

                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         Oh my God. They were crab people.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Yes! They were tryingn to systematically 
                         make men into wusses so they could take 
                         over the world!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mom!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle!

                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         I should have known they were crab people. 
                         They tried this before with The Jefferson.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         So now, can you please change your network's 
                         programming?
 
                                     HEAD OF PROGRAMMING
                         Yes. Yes, I think this gay fad is over. 
                         Gentlemen, back to Studio 12! We're 
                         gonna bring back the Latin fad.
 
               [South Park. The sign has been redrawn with a barrio graffiti 
               font.]
 
               [The McCormick house, day. Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter, and Stuart 
               are now dressed as cholos on the porch. Two six-packs of Coronas 
               are on the ground. Some of the bottles are already empty]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hey eses.

                                     STUART
                         Hey Jefey. You want some cerveiza? 
 
                         
               [South Park Elememtary, day. Kyle walks into view in the school 
               hall]
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle. Hey, ese. You wanna come play 
                         catch with us?
 
                                     KYLE
                          What? Y-you want me to hang out with 
                         you?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. It's cool, holmes.

                                     KYLE
                         ...No, dude, it really isn't cool. You 
                         all turned yoru backs on me. You're 
                         supposed to be my best friends and you 
                         just... treated me like nothing! And 
                         now you all expect me to just forget 
                         it all and, and hang out with you again 
                         like nothing happened?
 
                                     STAN
                         Aw Jesus, Kyle, don't be such a whiny 
                         little gaywad! Come play catch with 
                         us. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, don't be such a fag, dude! 

                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit!

               THE END

South Park Is Gay!



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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