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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 302


                               "SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION"


                                      Written by 


                         Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman







               [General Store. The boys are shopping...]

                                     STAN
                          Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No, I don't think so.

                                     KENNY
                          (How about this?)

                                     KYLE
                         No, that's a hair dryer!

                                     MANAGER
                         May I help you find something?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Do you have any "nurections"?
 
                         
                                     MANAGER
                         Any what?

                                     KYLE
                         I need to get a nurection for my dad.
 
                         
                                     MANAGER
                         Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Why is that funny?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all 
                         the time. And both of them say it's 
                         because my dad doesn't have a nurection. 
                         So I want to get him one.  Damn it! 
                         What the hell is wrong with everybody? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         That's the fifth store we've been kicked 
                         out of. Why is it so hard to get a nurection?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (You guys, take it seriously.)

                                     KYLE
                         I just want a nurection so I can give 
                         it to my mom.
 
                                     MAN
                          What?

                                     KENNY
                         (Well, see you guys. I gotta go take 
                         the bus out of town.)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You 
                         gonna see your little girlfriend again?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, you guys. Seriously.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, you spend way too much time with 
                         that girl. If you don't-
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Ach) 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell happened to him?

                                     STAN
                         He just... ignited.

                                     MAN
                          What happened?

                                     WOMAN
                          I saw it from across the street. He 
                         just caught on fire. 
 
                                     OFFCIER BARBRADY
                          Okay people, stand back. Give the little 
                         burnt boy some breathing room
 
                                     BLOND MAN
                         I've heard about this. This is... spontaneouos 
                         combustion. But it usually only happens 
                         to fat people near open flames.
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Is it contagious?

                                     WOMAN
                         Am I going to spntaneously combust?
 
                         
                                     MAN 3
                         I hope it doesn't happen to me.

                                     WOMAN
                         This is very scary.

               [City Hall, the Mayor's office. The Mayor is talking with someone.]
 
               
                                     THE MAYOR
                         The people are panicking about spontaneous 
                         combustion. That's why I've assembled 
                         this crack team of scientists to find 
                         out the cause of the phenomenon. You 
                         are the best scientific mind South Park 
                         has to offer.
 
                                     RANDY
                         ...Uuuh. Mayor, I'm a geologist.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Right.

                                     RANDY
                         Well, uh I don't study human biology, 
                         I study the earth.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Look, you're the only scientist that 
                         lives in this town. You have to find 
                         an answer before more people combust. 
                         You do that, and you'll be the most 
                         beloved man in South Park. 
 
               [The Most Beloved Man In South Park. Hands move him over the 
               crowd]
 
                                     CROWD
                         Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

                                     MAN
                         We love you, Randy.

                                     WOMAN
                          Make love to me, Randy. Please!

               [returns]

                                     RANDY
                         Wow.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling 
                         you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion, 
                         or else!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Or else what?

                                     THE MAYOR
                          Exactly!

               [First Church of South Park. The organ is heard as people gather 
               for Kenny's funeral. Inside, Stan and Kyle hop up to the bier 
               the coffin is on. Cartman tries a couple of times and finally 
               makes it]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, he looks so peaceful without his 
                         little orange coat on.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

               [The boys hop off the bier and move to the front row for the 
               service as Priest Maxi approaches the coffin. He opens the Bible 
               and reads]
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh 
                         away. Sometimes the giveth seems a little 
                         disproportionate to the taketh. There 
                         seems to be a lot more takething going 
                         on, but there it is. Perhaps if more 
                         of you attended church on Sundays , 
                         the Lord would not have felt it necessary 
                         to punish us by takething this little 
                         boy...
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh, here comes the guilt trip again.
 
                         
                                     PRISST MAXI
                         Now, let us pray.  Lord, though we have 
                         lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve 
                         Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope 
                         our beloved Broncos can bring home another 
                         Super Bowl championship, and once again 
                         bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.
 
                         
                                     ALL
                         Amen.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                          Let's go

                                     ALL
                         Let's go

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Broncos

                                     ALL
                         Broncos

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Let's go Broncos

                                     ALL
                         Broncos, let's go! 

                                     STAN
                         Wow, that was short. 

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well, I'm Jewish.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, 
                         are you?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I guess not.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Good. Boys, how would you like to perform 
                         the Stations of the Cross this Friday 
                         night?
 
                                     STAN
                         The what?

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         It's like a skit, where you reeanct 
                         the death and glorious resurrection 
                         of Jesus Christ.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, resurrection! That's what my dad 
                         needs!
 
                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         We'll do it! We'll do it!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Wonderful. Here's a book on how to perform 
                         it. Don't let me down, boys. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, this is great! You know all the 
                         stations of the Cross, right, Stan?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I don't know, dude. I'm gonna have to 
                         go look in the Bible.
 
               [Outside, some of the churchgoers are still around]

                                     TOM
                         Good night, Jerry.

                                     JERRY
                         See ya, Tom. Bye, Helen.

                                     HELEN
                         Bye, Jer- aaa! 

                                     JERRY
                         Oh my God, another one.

                                     TOM
                         Helen, no!

                                     JERRY
                         What happened?

                                     MAN 5
                          God must be very angry with us. But 
                         why?  How have we angered you, Lord?
 
                         
               [Stan's house. Randy's in the basement doing preliminary work. 
               He's working on some chemical reactions when the boys come down]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                          Well, let's see. If they combust... no. 
                         Could be from the... no.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad, where's our Bible?

                                     RANDY
                         Not now, Stan. I have to find out what 
                         causes spontaneous combustion. Or else.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Or else what?

                                     RANDY
                         Exactly.

                                     STAN
                         ...What?

                                     RANDY
                         Right.

                                     STAN
                          Where's our Bible?

                                     RANDY
                         It's in the attic with the old LP's. 
                          Boys, did you notice anything uuuh 
                         strange about Kenny in the weeks leading 
                         up to his combustion? Ooh, what did 
                         he spend his time doing?
 
                                     KYLE
                         He didn't do anything. He was always 
                         with his new girlfriend.
 
                                     RANDY
                         New girlfriend?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, he started seeing this girl and 
                         he spent a lot of time taking the bus 
                         to go visit her. What does that have 
                         to do with his death?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Maybe nothing...  maybe everything.

                                     STAN
                         ...Well, we're gonna go work on getting 
                         Kyle's dad a nurection. 
 
                                     RANDY
                          Yes, yes, of course. I've got work 
                         to do.  What?!
 
               [Stan's room. Stan reads from the Stations of the Cross booklet 
               while Kyle reads from the Bible]
 
                                     STAN
                         Let's see: Jesus got crucified, then 
                         he died, then three days later he had 
                         his urection. Let's see, there's fourteen 
                         Stations of the Cross. Now, it says 
                         we can makes costumes out of sheets.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         This is gonna be fun.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna be Jesus!

                                     KYLE
                         You're too fat to be Jesus!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, and like you're gonna do it, Jew?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Stan should be Jesus.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Either I'm Jesus, or else, screw you 
                         guys, I'm going home! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're such a fat baby!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations 
                         of the Cross by yourselves. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right, all right, you could be Jesus, 
                         you tubby cry-baby!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Stick and stones may break my bones, 
                         but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
 
               [Back in the basement...]

                                     RANDY
                         All right, all right, let's try it again. 
                         Kenny was standing here. Stan, Kyle 
                         and Cartman were walking around him. 
                          Now, walk.  Do you feel hot?
 
                                     "KENNY"
                         Uh, no.

                                     RANDY
                         Damn it! How come you're not combusting? 
                         
 
                                     "STAN"
                         Come on, Randy. You said we were gonna 
                         drink beer and watch the fight.
 
                                     TOWNSMAN
                          Another one! Another one combusted! 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         No! Has she been doing anything odd?
 
                         
                                     TOWNSMAN
                         No, she was just on her way to her new 
                         boyfriend's house.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Boyfriend. And they said Kenny had a 
                         new girlfriend.
 
                                     "CARTMAN"
                         This is stupid. Screw you guys, I'm 
                         going home. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         No! I think I might have it.

               [The First Church of South Park, night of Good Friday]

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Well, well, well. A lot of you came 
                         to church. Looks like we're a little 
                         "nervous" about this spontaneous combustion 
                         thing, huh?
 
                                     A FEW PEOPLE
                         Yeah.

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Well, on this blessed Friday let us 
                         give thanks for stuff, and things.  
                         Lord, is it so much to ask that you 
                         not let us suddenly burst into flame 
                         for no apparent reason? I mean, come 
                         on! Amen.  And now, some of our darling 
                         local children are going to perform 
                         the Stations of the Cross. 
 
                                     CROWD
                         Awww.

                                     STAN
                         Station One: Jesus is condemned to death 
                         by Pilate.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Die! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ow! You can do what you will, but I 
                         am the Lamb of God.
 
                                     CROWD
                         Awww.

                                     SOMEONE
                         Phew.

                                     STAN
                         Station Two: Jesus takes his cross.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          This cross is seriously heavy. Oh man, 
                         this is totally weak.
 
                                     STAN
                         And then Jesus' disciple, Peter, denies 
                         he knows him. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Peter!

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know you, dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Peter. Weak, Peter. Lame. But I'm 
                         Jesus, so I'll forgive you, I guess.
 
                         
               [Night, the Mayor's office. She's wearing a mud mask in bed and 
               reading Gazongas. The phone rings]
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Mayor.

                                     RANDY
                          Mayor, I have it. I found out why people 
                         spontaneously combust.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Why?

                                     RANDY
                         Uh, it's too complicated to explain 
                         over the phone. 
 
               Girlfriend ==> DEAD

               Boyfriend ==> DEAD

               Call a town meeting tomorrow.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Okay. If you're right about this, Marsh, 
                         you're going to be the most popular 
                         man in South Park.
 
               [The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the 
               crowd]
 
                                     CROWD
                         Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

                                     MAN
                         We love you, Randy.

                                     WOMAN
                          Make love to me, Randy. Please!

               [returns]

                                     RANDY
                         Wow. 

                                     THE MAYOR
                          Shmuck!

               [At the church, Stan continues the Stations. Cartman is stripped 
               to his underwear]
 
                                     STAN
                         Station Eleven: Jesus is nailed to the 
                         cross. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh! This has gone from weak to superweak! 
                         Things cannot get any more weak for 
                         me.
 
                                     STAN
                          Then a crown of thorns was placed on 
                         Jesus's head, and Jesus was all like, 
                         "Thanks."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, this sucks that I have to die, 
                         but if I die, everyone's sins will be 
                         forgiven.  So I guess it's cool. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         And then Jesus was lead away  to Mount 
                         Sinai, where he dies, and has a resurrurection 
                         three days later.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hi, mom. 

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Thank you, boys. Blessed be the name 
                         of Jesus!
 
                                     CROWD
                         It's a great name, isn't it? 

               [Stan and Kyle now carry Cartman on the cross and are headed 
               towards a hill. Kyle has the heavier end]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, that went really well. They really 
                         liked it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, 
                         you guys.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't 
                         weigh 400 pounds!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Up your ass with broken glass!

                                     STAN
                         This spot looks good. 

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. That looks pretty good.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, cool. See you, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, wait! Where the hell are you going?! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh I don't know. I'm going home, I 
                         guess.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, me too.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, get me down from here!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, how stupid are you?! Didn't 
                         you read the Bible? We have to leave 
                         you up there until you die, and then 
                         you come back to life in three days.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dummy, you have to get a nurection.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Then I can give it to my dad. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, uh I don't wanna be Jesus anymore! 
                         Don't leave me here, you guys! ...All 
                         right, that does it! Screw you guys, 
                         I'm going home!  Okay, I'm getting pissed 
                         now!  God!
 
               [City Hall, the next day. Stan and Kyle are present for the Mayor's 
               announcement, along with much of the town]
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         All right, people. Scientist Marsh and 
                         I have been working very hard on the 
                         problem of spontaneous combustion, and 
                         we have finally come up with a solution. 
                         Mr. Marsh?
 
                                     RANDY
                          The little boy combusted because he 
                         had a new girlfriend. It wasn't the 
                         girl that caused him to combust, it 
                         was the fact that Kenny did not want 
                         to pass gas in front of her.  You see, 
                         as food is digested the natural processes 
                         give off a byproduct known as methane 
                         gas.  The methane gathers here in the 
                         bowel area , where it causes pressure. 
                         Normally a person would expel this byproduct 
                         in the form of a pleasant fart.  Should 
                         the gas not be expelled,  the methane 
                         can build up and then ignite,  leading 
                         to... disaster.  Kenny combusted because 
                         he held his farts in for too long.
 
                         
                                     TOWNSMAN
                         You mean, all we have to do is fart 
                         and we won't explode?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Exactly. 

                                     THE MAYOR
                         So, from this day forward, everyone 
                         in South Park will be required to fart 
                         on a regular basis to insure that nobody 
                         else spontaneously explodes.
 
                                     CROWD
                         Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! 

                                     MAN
                         We love you, Randy.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                          Make love to me, Randy. Please!

                                     STAN
                         Whoa, dude, my dad's famous.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on. Let's go see how Cartman is 
                         doing with his uh, urection.
 
               [The boys go to the hill on which they left Cartman on the cross]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Wow, he died.

                                     KYLE
                         Now we just gotta wait for his urection, 
                         and I can give it to my dad.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, there you guys are!

                                     STAN
                         Cartman??

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys are in big trouble! Now get 
                         me down from here!
 
                                     KYLE
                         How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, I mean, seriously! Get me 
                         down!
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, fatass: after you die and get 
                         resurrurected, you'll have all kinds 
                         of superpowers, just like Jesus.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Really?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. So hurry up and die, you piece 
                         of crap! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...When I get all my superpowers, I'm 
                         gonna use them to smote you two assholes 
                         right off the planet!  Dude, superpowers 
                         are sweet.
 
               [The boys are back in town, and they run across Mr. Mackey]
 
               
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Hi, boys.

                                     STAN, KYLE
                          Hi, Mr. Mackey.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Have you guys been sure to pass gas 
                         regularly so you don't spontaneously 
                         combust?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, let me show you, just to be sure, 
                         mkay?  Hmm, come on. Be good, now. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Jesus Christ! 

                                     STAN
                         (Sick, dude!)

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I had a steak wrapped with bacon last 
                         night. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         (Dude, I think you pooed alot.)

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         So, you boys understand you have to 
                         do that regularly, oh-mkay? 
 
                                     STAN
                         (Okay, okay, just go away!) 

                                     KYLE
                         God, that was not cool at all, dude!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, hello boys. Have you seen Eric around 
                         anywhere?
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh. We've been taking care of him.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. We're having him resurrurected.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, all right. I was just at the store 
                         buying some apples.
 
                                     STAN
                         Apples?

                                     LIANE
                         Yes. Apples.  Ahapples, get it? 

                                     STAN
                         (Dude!)

                                     KYLE
                         (Sick!)

                                     LIANE
                         Stinky apples. See you, boys. 

                                     STAN
                         (I don't think I like this new law.)
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                          Squeaker! 

               [The boys return to City Hall to see the rest of the ceremony. 
               The people in the crowd all have their noses covered. A covered 
               statue stands next to Randy.]
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         And so I declare today Randy Marsh Day, 
                         where we shall remember forever how 
                         he freed us all from the threat of spontaneous 
                         combustion. Gentlemen? 
 
                                     BEARDED MAN
                         You're the best, Randy!

                                     RANDY
                         I am? I am, huh? I never knew the depth 
                         of my scientific genius until now.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It's too bad Cartman can't be here to 
                         enjoy this.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

               [Back on the cross...]

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys, seriously! somebody get me 
                         down from here!
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur-
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Officer Barbrady! 

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          T. T is for turtle.  Nur nunur nunur 
                         nunur nunur nunur...
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! Help me, you son of a bitch!  Huh, 
                         I'm gonna die up here.
 
               [The Nobel Prize Awards. Looks like the Oscars...]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         We now return to the 42nd Annual Nobel 
                         Prize Awards. Here again your host, 
                         Whoopi Goldberg. 
 
                                     WHOOPI
                          Republicans are so stupid.  I hate 
                         Republicans.  Republicans are so stupid. 
                          And now, here to present the Nobel 
                         Prize for Science is Nick Nolte 
 
                                     NICK NOLTE
                         Science is good. Science is very important. 
                         This year's nominees are: 
 
               
               * Herald R. Pinkerton, for his further development of the grand 
               unified theory of physics.
 
               * Randy Marsh, for his formulated break-wind theory of spontaneous 
               combustion.
 
               
                                     MEPHESTO
                          No! No, this can't be!

                                     RANDY
                          Whoa hoho, whoa!  Oh wow, oh, ah, I'm 
                         the best! Yeah! Yeah! Ah, it's just 
                         so amazing to be told that you're the 
                         best. I, I thought I was just a normal 
                         person like all of you, but... Yeah! Well, 
                         thank you for showing me otherwise! 
                         Yeah! I kick ass, yeah!
 
                                     MEPHESTO
                         Fixed! Fixed! That was supposed to be 
                         my award, Kevin. I'll get him for this. 
                         Mark my words.
 
               [Back in South Park, Stan and Kyle are on Kyle's couch watching 
               the show]
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, my dad's the best! All other dads 
                         suck compared to my dad!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! My dad's pretty cool, too.

               [In the master bedroom Gerald and Sheila look at Gerald's penis, 
               to see if it'll rise]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I'm sorry, honey.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's okay,  I'll just call some 20-year 
                         old and have him come over.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What?!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          I'm just kidding.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kidding? Well, that's not funny! That 
                         hurt my feelings!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Why?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Why?! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle. 

                                     KYLE
                         Don't worry, guys. I'm getting a nurection 
                         as we speak.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         Wall, actally, Cartman's getting a nurection. 
                         But then, we're gonna give it you. Sooo, 
                         buck up! 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We have a very strange little boy, Gerald.
 
                         
               [Next day, Cartman on the cross. Stan and Kyle arrive to check 
               up on Cartman]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, he's still not dead.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, my mom is totally worried 
                         about me. You'd better let me down.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         She's not worried about you.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes she is! I've been hearing her all 
                         day! Listen! Listen.  Eric? Eric, where 
                         are you? I miss you very much.
 
                                     STAN
                         That's not your mom calling!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes it is, you guys. I'm serious now. 
                         This is Eric's mom and I want him home 
                         right now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         How stupid do you think we are?! Now 
                         you die on that cross and get resurrurected 
                         befoe I kick your ass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, it's too hot out here! I can't 
                         do this!
 
                                     STAN
                         He is right. It has been getting really 
                         hot lately.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, I noticed that too. Let's go get 
                         some ice-cold lemonade.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, yeah! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh! God-damnit! Urh! You guys! You guys 
                         wanna hear my "I hate Stand and Kyle" 
                         song?! Ahem.
 
               I hate Stan and Kyle

               I seriously hate Stan and Kyle...

               [City Hall. The Mayor and her aides are in shorts and T's]

                                     THE MAYOR
                         My God, it's burning up in here! Can't 
                         we crank the AC up some more?
 
                                     AIDE 2
                         It's already on full.

                                     RANDY
                          You wanted to see me, Mayor?

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Yes, Marsh. We have a new problem, and 
                         I think only you can solve it.
 
                                     RANDY
                         I suspect you're talking about the dramatic 
                         heat wave.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Yes. The temperature is steadily rising 
                         every day. I want you to find out why.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified 
                         for this. My scientific mind is best 
                         used on global problems.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         All right, all right. Name your price.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Ten thousand. I have to protect my talent.
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Done. Just find out what's happening.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Don't worry, Mayor. I'll find the cause. 
                         Or else. Or else what? Exactly. 
 
               [Another night on the cross. The Last Temptation of Cartman]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey you guys. Seriously. 

                                     CHEF
                          What the-?  Oh, what now?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Chef! Chef!

                                     CHEF
                          Children, what the hell are you doin'?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just get me down from here!  Oh, finally! 
                         My arms are killing me!
 
                                     CHEF
                         You children shouldn't be crucifying 
                         yourselves in this heat.
 
               [Chef drives him into town]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet. Now, I'm gonna go kill those 
                         guys!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Eric, I have to tell you something, 
                         and it's really gonna bum you out.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     CHEF
                         It's really gonna piss you off.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     CHEF
                         This is just a dream. You're still up 
                         on that cross.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, damnit!

               [Stan's house, basement. A Cheesy Poofs commercial ends as Stan 
               comes down the steps]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dad, where's the phone book?

                                     RANDY
                         Not now, Stanley. Without my scientific 
                         genius, the town is doomed.  Let's see 
                         now, when exactly did the temperature 
                         start to go up?
 
               [Jesus and Pals comes on]

                                     JESUS
                         Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures 
                         in South Park. Let's go to the phones. 
                          Caller, you're on the air.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, um, Jesus, after you got crucified, 
                         how long did it take you to die and 
                         resurrect?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Stan?

                                     JESUS
                         That's not the topic tonight. The topic 
                         is global warming.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh.

                                     JESUS
                         Do you have an opinion on global warming?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh, it... sucks ass.

                                     JESUS
                         Okay! Thank you caller. Well, let's 
                         go to our first guest, Dr. Alphonse 
                         Mephesto.  Thank you for coming. You 
                         claim to know the cause of global warming 
                         in South Park.
 
               Mephesto.	I most certainly do! The cause of global warming is 
               [brings out a picture of a man, with horns, mustache, and angry 
               eyebrows drawn on] Randy Marsh! [Randy is stunned] It was Marsh's 
               theory on spontaneous combustion that told everyone to fart all 
               they want. Now all the methane from all those farts has ripped 
               a hole in our ozone layer. We are all doomed to die!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Awww crap.

               [City Hall, the next day. The town is gathered clamoring for 
               Randy to come out.]
 
                                     TOWNSMAN
                         Go get him!

                                     TOWNSMAN 1
                         We want answers!

               Townsman 2	You've killed us all!

               Townsman 3	Someone's got to pay!

                                     WOMAN
                         It's out of control.

               [inside the Mayor's office]

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Boy, they're really pissed.

                                     RANDY
                         Well, they're right. We should have 
                         known that all that methane could adversely 
                         affect the atmosphere.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Well, let's go talk to them. Stick by 
                         me. 
 
                                     RANDY
                          Hey!

                                     TOWNSMAN 4
                         You killed us all!

                                     TOWNSMAN 5
                         Shove that Nobel prize up your ass! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, what's going on?

                                     TOWNSMAN 6
                         Now we either hold in our farts and 
                         spontaneously combust, o-o-or we let 
                         our farts out and kill our entire planet. 
                         Well I, for one, am not farting anymore! 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uuuh, I- I'll try to find a solution.
 
                         
                                     TOWNSMAN 7
                         We don't want your solutions, phony!
 
                         
                                     TOWNSMAN 8
                         Give me that!  Yeah!

                                     TOWNSMAN 9
                         Damn you Marsh! Get out of town!

                                     TOWNSMAN 10
                         You fraud! 

                                     RANDY
                          Mr. Garrison, help me!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I, I do not know you, sir.

                                     TOWNSMAN 11
                         Up your-

                                     TOWNSMAN 12
                         Arrn!

                                     KYLE
                          Yeah, take that!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, that's my dad!

                                     KYLE
                         ...Oh, yeah. Sorry.

               [News 4 Special Report]

                                     ANCHOR
                         The spontaneous combustion problem escalates 
                         as more and more peopel go back to holding 
                         in all their farts.  Meanwhile, the 
                         ozone layer continues to deplete as 
                         others refuse to hold in their farts 
                         for fear of combustion. As we all know, 
                         the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, 
                         the son of a bitch who calls himself 
                         a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh 
                         earlier today and he had this to say:
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Ije, I I don't know what to say.

                                     ANCHOR
                         What an asshole! I hate that guy, and 
                         so do you. And now, on to the weather. 
                         It's fucking hot, thanks to Randy Marsh, 
                         son of a bitch!
 
               [Everyone has gone to the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle look out 
               from the living room window as the crowd clamors outside with 
               torches. A man knocks down the trashcan next to the garage.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, those people are pissed!

                                     STAN
                         I know, huh?

                                     KYLE
                         Where's your dad?

                                     STAN
                         He's hiding down in the basement. I 
                         I don't know what to do.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, you have to help him, just like 
                         I have to help my dad.
 
               [Cartman is still on the cross]

               [Gerald's law firm. The sign reads "Brovlofski & Jackson," so 
               he's got a partner. Gerald sits at his desk looking over papers]
 
               
                                     RADIO TALK SHOW HOST
                         Still more up next from the heat wave 
                         caused by Randy Marsh. A giant glacier 
                         is melting above South Park and the 
                         entire town is doomed. And now, these 
                         messages.
 
                                     BOB DOLE
                         Having a hard time with male potency? 
                          Well, I don't, and I'm Bob Dole. What's 
                         wrong with you? Christ, I'm Bob Dole 
                         and I can get it up. 
 
                                     BLONDE
                         Are you a lawyer?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yes.

                                     BLONDE
                         We want to sue Randy Marsh.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Why?

                                     BLONDE
                         He gave us skin cancer.

                                     BRUNETTE
                         Yeah. He put the hole in the ozone, 
                         and now we have skin cancer all over 
                         our hot bodies. Look. 
 
               [The Marsh house. Stan and Kyle go to the basement. Randy cowers 
               in a corner wrapped in a blanket]
 
                                     STAN
                         What are you doing, dad?

                                     RANDY
                         Stanley, I think its best you live with 
                         Kyle from now on. His dad is better 
                         than me.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, he's not! He can't even get a nurection!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Hm. Really?

                                     STAN
                         Dad, you've got to work! People are 
                         dying, dad. You've got to come up with 
                         a solution!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Not me. I'm not a scientist, I'm a hack. 
                         Even if I found a solution, those people 
                         would still all hate me.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, that doesn't matter! I learned 
                         something from the Stations of the Cross.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         See, at first, Jesus was all like, "Why 
                         me?" And he was all pissed off and stuff. 
                         But then he saw that what mattered most 
                         was everybody else. So he stopped thinking 
                         about his own misery, and did what had 
                         to be done. Right as Jesus was dying, 
                          he raised his hand and said, "The needs 
                         of the many outweigh the needs of the 
                         few."
 
                                     RANDY
                         You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely 
                         right.  Hey, that Bible sounds like 
                         kind of a good book.
 
                                     STAN
                         It ain't bad. You should try reading 
                         it sometime. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, that was Star Trek again.

                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         "The needs of the many outweigh the 
                         needs of the few?" That was Wrath of 
                         Khan.
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh, well, Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's 
                         the difference?
 
                                     RANDY
                         All right. Now, let's get to work.
 
                         
               You And Me, Girl	[Intro. Randy mixes some chemicals, then writes 
               some formulas on the chalkboard]
 
               
               [Randy explains the hold in the ozone layer] I've been telling 
               everybody that you're my girl,
 
               [Randy set off a reacion that boils over] Cause I'm not one to 
               be shy.
 
               [Randy looks into a microscope] You don't have to go with me 
               if you don't want to, just
 
               [the boys approve] Tell everybody I'm your guy

               [Monster Sharon chases Randy and the boys all over the house] 
               You and me, girl, it's forever
 
               Sha la la la la laaa

               I've been telling everybody that you're my girl,

               Cause I'm not one to be shy.

               
               [Randy and the boys as a band] I've been telling everybody that 
               you're my girl,
 
               Cause I'm not one to be shy.

               [Randy and the boys in hearts on moiré] You don't have to go 
               with me if you don't want to, just
 
               Tell everybody I'm your guy

               [Randy and the boys floating up through clouds] You and me, girl, 
               it's forever
 
               Sha la la la la laaa

               
               [Monster Sharon joins the band] You and me, girl, forever and 
               ever
 
               You and me, girl, forever and ever

               You and me, girl, forever and ever [fade. Randy's humming]

                                     STAN
                         Dad. Dad! 

                                     RANDY
                         Wow!

                                     STAN
                         Dad, what are you doin?! You have to 
                         get started!
 
                                     RANDY
                          ...Right, right right.

               [The Broflovski house. Kyle watches TV and Ike plays on the floor. 
               The front door opens]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, where's your mother?

                                     KYLE
                         She's upstairs.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, I have something to give to her! 
                          Don't worry, Kyle. Everything's gonna 
                         be okay between me and your mom.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Really? Great! I don't have to worry 
                         about that anymore. 
 
               [Another night on the cross]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello-o.

               [The Marsh house. The crowd is still clamoring outside]

                                     TOWNSMAN 13
                         Look! There he is!

                                     TOWNSMAN 14
                         Get him!

                                     RANDY
                         Uh. Please, everyone- 

                                     TOWNSMAN 15
                         You're a dead man, Marsh!

                                     RANDY
                          Please, just listen to me. I think 
                         I found the answer.
 
                                     TOWNSMAN 16
                          Could I borrow one of your rocks?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         It's all about moderation. If you never 
                         fart, you combust, but if you always 
                         fart, you deplete the ozone. So we must 
                         fart only at appropriate times or when 
                         it's really, really funny.
 
                                     TOWNSMAN 17
                         Huh? 

                                     RANDY
                         I know you all hate me, but please, 
                         for your own sake, fart in moderation. 
                         You can keep stoning me now, if you 
                         want.  Ow.
 
               [City Hall, three weeks later]

                                     THE MAYOR
                         And so we salute Randy Marsh and his 
                         unified theory of moderation that has 
                         saved us all. 
 
                                     STAN
                          See? My dad is the coolest after all.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well, my dad is, too.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman!

                                     KYLE
                         I forgot all about him. 

               [The boys are not at the foot of the cross.]

                                     STAN
                         He's been up there for like, three weeks.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wow!

                                     STAN
                         That's amazing!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey you guys, I am really pissed off 
                         now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! You're stil alive, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Get me down from here!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, you survived all this time on 
                         the fat stored up in your body?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. And when I get down from here, 
                         I'm gonna kick you both right in the 
                         nuts.
 
               [End of Spontaneous Combustion. "You and Me, Girl" plays.]

Spontaneous Combustion



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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