Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[General Store. The boys are shopping...]
Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
No, I don't think so.
(How about this?)
No, that's a hair dryer!
May I help you find something?
Yeah. Do you have any "nurections"?
I need to get a nurection for my dad.
Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it.
Why is that funny?
Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all
the time. And both of them say it's
because my dad doesn't have a nurection.
So I want to get him one. Damn it!
What the hell is wrong with everybody?
That's the fifth store we've been kicked
out of. Why is it so hard to get a nurection?
(You guys, take it seriously.)
I just want a nurection so I can give
it to my mom.
(Well, see you guys. I gotta go take
the bus out of town.)
Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You
gonna see your little girlfriend again?
(Yeah, you guys. Seriously.)
Dude, you spend way too much time with
that girl. If you don't-
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
What the hell happened to him?
He just... ignited.
I saw it from across the street. He
just caught on fire.
Okay people, stand back. Give the little
burnt boy some breathing room
I've heard about this. This is... spontaneouos
combustion. But it usually only happens
to fat people near open flames.
Is it contagious?
Am I going to spntaneously combust?
I hope it doesn't happen to me.
This is very scary.
[City Hall, the Mayor's office. The Mayor is talking with someone.]
The people are panicking about spontaneous
combustion. That's why I've assembled
this crack team of scientists to find
out the cause of the phenomenon. You
are the best scientific mind South Park
has to offer.
...Uuuh. Mayor, I'm a geologist.
Well, uh I don't study human biology,
I study the earth.
Look, you're the only scientist that
lives in this town. You have to find
an answer before more people combust.
You do that, and you'll be the most
beloved man in South Park.
[The Most Beloved Man In South Park. Hands move him over the
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
We love you, Randy.
Make love to me, Randy. Please!
Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling
you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion,
Or else what?
[First Church of South Park. The organ is heard as people gather
for Kenny's funeral. Inside, Stan and Kyle hop up to the bier
the coffin is on. Cartman tries a couple of times and finally
Dude, he looks so peaceful without his
little orange coat on.
[The boys hop off the bier and move to the front row for the
service as Priest Maxi approaches the coffin. He opens the Bible
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh
away. Sometimes the giveth seems a little
disproportionate to the taketh. There
seems to be a lot more takething going
on, but there it is. Perhaps if more
of you attended church on Sundays ,
the Lord would not have felt it necessary
to punish us by takething this little
Oh, here comes the guilt trip again.
Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have
lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve
Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope
our beloved Broncos can bring home another
Super Bowl championship, and once again
bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.
Let's go Broncos
Broncos, let's go!
Wow, that was short.
Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Well, I'm Jewish.
You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus,
I guess not.
Good. Boys, how would you like to perform
the Stations of the Cross this Friday
It's like a skit, where you reeanct
the death and glorious resurrection
of Jesus Christ.
Hey, resurrection! That's what my dad
We'll do it! We'll do it!
Wonderful. Here's a book on how to perform
it. Don't let me down, boys.
Dude, this is great! You know all the
stations of the Cross, right, Stan?
I don't know, dude. I'm gonna have to
go look in the Bible.
[Outside, some of the churchgoers are still around]
Good night, Jerry.
See ya, Tom. Bye, Helen.
Bye, Jer- aaa!
Oh my God, another one.
God must be very angry with us. But
why? How have we angered you, Lord?
[Stan's house. Randy's in the basement doing preliminary work.
He's working on some chemical reactions when the boys come down]
Well, let's see. If they combust... no.
Could be from the... no.
Dad, where's our Bible?
Not now, Stan. I have to find out what
causes spontaneous combustion. Or else.
Or else what?
Where's our Bible?
It's in the attic with the old LP's.
Boys, did you notice anything uuuh
strange about Kenny in the weeks leading
up to his combustion? Ooh, what did
he spend his time doing?
He didn't do anything. He was always
with his new girlfriend.
Yeah, he started seeing this girl and
he spent a lot of time taking the bus
to go visit her. What does that have
to do with his death?
Maybe nothing... maybe everything.
...Well, we're gonna go work on getting
Kyle's dad a nurection.
Yes, yes, of course. I've got work
to do. What?!
[Stan's room. Stan reads from the Stations of the Cross booklet
while Kyle reads from the Bible]
Let's see: Jesus got crucified, then
he died, then three days later he had
his urection. Let's see, there's fourteen
Stations of the Cross. Now, it says
we can makes costumes out of sheets.
This is gonna be fun.
I'm gonna be Jesus!
You're too fat to be Jesus!
Oh, and like you're gonna do it, Jew?!
Stan should be Jesus.
Either I'm Jesus, or else, screw you
guys, I'm going home!
You're such a fat baby!
Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations
of the Cross by yourselves.
All right, all right, you could be Jesus,
you tubby cry-baby!
Stick and stones may break my bones,
but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
[Back in the basement...]
All right, all right, let's try it again.
Kenny was standing here. Stan, Kyle
and Cartman were walking around him.
Now, walk. Do you feel hot?
Damn it! How come you're not combusting?
Come on, Randy. You said we were gonna
drink beer and watch the fight.
Another one! Another one combusted!
No! Has she been doing anything odd?
No, she was just on her way to her new
Boyfriend. And they said Kenny had a
This is stupid. Screw you guys, I'm
No! I think I might have it.
[The First Church of South Park, night of Good Friday]
Well, well, well. A lot of you came
to church. Looks like we're a little
"nervous" about this spontaneous combustion
A FEW PEOPLE
Well, on this blessed Friday let us
give thanks for stuff, and things.
Lord, is it so much to ask that you
not let us suddenly burst into flame
for no apparent reason? I mean, come
on! Amen. And now, some of our darling
local children are going to perform
the Stations of the Cross.
Station One: Jesus is condemned to death
Ow! You can do what you will, but I
am the Lamb of God.
Station Two: Jesus takes his cross.
This cross is seriously heavy. Oh man,
this is totally weak.
And then Jesus' disciple, Peter, denies
he knows him.
I don't know you, dude.
Oh, Peter. Weak, Peter. Lame. But I'm
Jesus, so I'll forgive you, I guess.
[Night, the Mayor's office. She's wearing a mud mask in bed and
reading Gazongas. The phone rings]
Mayor, I have it. I found out why people
Uh, it's too complicated to explain
over the phone.
Girlfriend ==> DEAD
Boyfriend ==> DEAD
Call a town meeting tomorrow.
Okay. If you're right about this, Marsh,
you're going to be the most popular
man in South Park.
[The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
We love you, Randy.
Make love to me, Randy. Please!
[At the church, Stan continues the Stations. Cartman is stripped
to his underwear]
Station Eleven: Jesus is nailed to the
Oh! This has gone from weak to superweak!
Things cannot get any more weak for
Then a crown of thorns was placed on
Jesus's head, and Jesus was all like,
Well, this sucks that I have to die,
but if I die, everyone's sins will be
forgiven. So I guess it's cool.
And then Jesus was lead away to Mount
Sinai, where he dies, and has a resurrurection
three days later.
Thank you, boys. Blessed be the name
It's a great name, isn't it?
[Stan and Kyle now carry Cartman on the cross and are headed
towards a hill. Kyle has the heavier end]
Hey, that went really well. They really
Yeah. I told you I'd be a sweet Jesus,
Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't
weigh 400 pounds!
Up your ass with broken glass!
This spot looks good.
Yeah. That looks pretty good.
Okay, cool. See you, Cartman.
Hey, wait! Where the hell are you going?!
Huh I don't know. I'm going home, I
Yeah, me too.
Well, get me down from here!
Cartman, how stupid are you?! Didn't
you read the Bible? We have to leave
you up there until you die, and then
you come back to life in three days.
Yeah, dummy, you have to get a nurection.
Then I can give it to my dad.
Hey, uh I don't wanna be Jesus anymore!
Don't leave me here, you guys! ...All
right, that does it! Screw you guys,
I'm going home! Okay, I'm getting pissed
[City Hall, the next day. Stan and Kyle are present for the Mayor's
announcement, along with much of the town]
All right, people. Scientist Marsh and
I have been working very hard on the
problem of spontaneous combustion, and
we have finally come up with a solution.
The little boy combusted because he
had a new girlfriend. It wasn't the
girl that caused him to combust, it
was the fact that Kenny did not want
to pass gas in front of her. You see,
as food is digested the natural processes
give off a byproduct known as methane
gas. The methane gathers here in the
bowel area , where it causes pressure.
Normally a person would expel this byproduct
in the form of a pleasant fart. Should
the gas not be expelled, the methane
can build up and then ignite, leading
to... disaster. Kenny combusted because
he held his farts in for too long.
You mean, all we have to do is fart
and we won't explode?
So, from this day forward, everyone
in South Park will be required to fart
on a regular basis to insure that nobody
else spontaneously explodes.
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
We love you, Randy.
Make love to me, Randy. Please!
Whoa, dude, my dad's famous.
Come on. Let's go see how Cartman is
doing with his uh, urection.
[The boys go to the hill on which they left Cartman on the cross]
Wow, he died.
Now we just gotta wait for his urection,
and I can give it to my dad.
Hey, there you guys are!
You guys are in big trouble! Now get
me down from here!
How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?!
You guys, I mean, seriously! Get me
Look, fatass: after you die and get
resurrurected, you'll have all kinds
of superpowers, just like Jesus.
Yeah. So hurry up and die, you piece
...When I get all my superpowers, I'm
gonna use them to smote you two assholes
right off the planet! Dude, superpowers
[The boys are back in town, and they run across Mr. Mackey]
Hi, Mr. Mackey.
Have you guys been sure to pass gas
regularly so you don't spontaneously
We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey!
Well, let me show you, just to be sure,
mkay? Hmm, come on. Be good, now.
I had a steak wrapped with bacon last
(Dude, I think you pooed alot.)
So, you boys understand you have to
do that regularly, oh-mkay?
(Okay, okay, just go away!)
God, that was not cool at all, dude!
Oh, hello boys. Have you seen Eric around
Uh. We've been taking care of him.
Yeah. We're having him resurrurected.
Oh, all right. I was just at the store
buying some apples.
Yes. Apples. Ahapples, get it?
Stinky apples. See you, boys.
(I don't think I like this new law.)
[The boys return to City Hall to see the rest of the ceremony.
The people in the crowd all have their noses covered. A covered
statue stands next to Randy.]
And so I declare today Randy Marsh Day,
where we shall remember forever how
he freed us all from the threat of spontaneous
You're the best, Randy!
I am? I am, huh? I never knew the depth
of my scientific genius until now.
It's too bad Cartman can't be here to
[Back on the cross...]
You guys, seriously! somebody get me
down from here!
Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur-
T. T is for turtle. Nur nunur nunur
nunur nunur nunur...
Ey! Help me, you son of a bitch! Huh,
I'm gonna die up here.
[The Nobel Prize Awards. Looks like the Oscars...]
We now return to the 42nd Annual Nobel
Prize Awards. Here again your host,
Republicans are so stupid. I hate
Republicans. Republicans are so stupid.
And now, here to present the Nobel
Prize for Science is Nick Nolte
Science is good. Science is very important.
This year's nominees are:
* Herald R. Pinkerton, for his further development of the grand
unified theory of physics.
* Randy Marsh, for his formulated break-wind theory of spontaneous
No! No, this can't be!
Whoa hoho, whoa! Oh wow, oh, ah, I'm
the best! Yeah! Yeah! Ah, it's just
so amazing to be told that you're the
best. I, I thought I was just a normal
person like all of you, but... Yeah! Well,
thank you for showing me otherwise!
Yeah! I kick ass, yeah!
Fixed! Fixed! That was supposed to be
my award, Kevin. I'll get him for this.
Mark my words.
[Back in South Park, Stan and Kyle are on Kyle's couch watching
Wow, my dad's the best! All other dads
suck compared to my dad!
Hey! My dad's pretty cool, too.
[In the master bedroom Gerald and Sheila look at Gerald's penis,
to see if it'll rise]
I'm sorry, honey.
It's okay, I'll just call some 20-year
old and have him come over.
I'm just kidding.
Kidding? Well, that's not funny! That
hurt my feelings!
Don't worry, guys. I'm getting a nurection
as we speak.
Wall, actally, Cartman's getting a nurection.
But then, we're gonna give it you. Sooo,
We have a very strange little boy, Gerald.
[Next day, Cartman on the cross. Stan and Kyle arrive to check
up on Cartman]
Dude, he's still not dead.
You guys, my mom is totally worried
about me. You'd better let me down.
She's not worried about you.
Yes she is! I've been hearing her all
day! Listen! Listen. Eric? Eric, where
are you? I miss you very much.
That's not your mom calling!
Yes it is, you guys. I'm serious now.
This is Eric's mom and I want him home
How stupid do you think we are?! Now
you die on that cross and get resurrurected
befoe I kick your ass!
You guys, it's too hot out here! I can't
He is right. It has been getting really
Yeah, I noticed that too. Let's go get
some ice-cold lemonade.
Oh! God-damnit! Urh! You guys! You guys
wanna hear my "I hate Stand and Kyle"
I hate Stan and Kyle
I seriously hate Stan and Kyle...
[City Hall. The Mayor and her aides are in shorts and T's]
My God, it's burning up in here! Can't
we crank the AC up some more?
It's already on full.
You wanted to see me, Mayor?
Yes, Marsh. We have a new problem, and
I think only you can solve it.
I suspect you're talking about the dramatic
Yes. The temperature is steadily rising
every day. I want you to find out why.
Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified
for this. My scientific mind is best
used on global problems.
All right, all right. Name your price.
Ten thousand. I have to protect my talent.
Done. Just find out what's happening.
Don't worry, Mayor. I'll find the cause.
Or else. Or else what? Exactly.
[Another night on the cross. The Last Temptation of Cartman]
Hey you guys. Seriously.
What the-? Oh, what now?!
Children, what the hell are you doin'?
Just get me down from here! Oh, finally!
My arms are killing me!
You children shouldn't be crucifying
yourselves in this heat.
[Chef drives him into town]
Sweet. Now, I'm gonna go kill those
Eric, I have to tell you something,
and it's really gonna bum you out.
It's really gonna piss you off.
This is just a dream. You're still up
on that cross.
[Stan's house, basement. A Cheesy Poofs commercial ends as Stan
comes down the steps]
Dad, where's the phone book?
Not now, Stanley. Without my scientific
genius, the town is doomed. Let's see
now, when exactly did the temperature
start to go up?
[Jesus and Pals comes on]
Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures
in South Park. Let's go to the phones.
Caller, you're on the air.
Yeah, um, Jesus, after you got crucified,
how long did it take you to die and
That's not the topic tonight. The topic
is global warming.
Do you have an opinion on global warming?
Uh, it... sucks ass.
Okay! Thank you caller. Well, let's
go to our first guest, Dr. Alphonse
Mephesto. Thank you for coming. You
claim to know the cause of global warming
in South Park.
Mephesto. I most certainly do! The cause of global warming is
[brings out a picture of a man, with horns, mustache, and angry
eyebrows drawn on] Randy Marsh! [Randy is stunned] It was Marsh's
theory on spontaneous combustion that told everyone to fart all
they want. Now all the methane from all those farts has ripped
a hole in our ozone layer. We are all doomed to die!
[City Hall, the next day. The town is gathered clamoring for
Randy to come out.]
Go get him!
We want answers!
Townsman 2 You've killed us all!
Townsman 3 Someone's got to pay!
It's out of control.
[inside the Mayor's office]
Boy, they're really pissed.
Well, they're right. We should have
known that all that methane could adversely
affect the atmosphere.
Well, let's go talk to them. Stick by
You killed us all!
Shove that Nobel prize up your ass!
Oh my God, what's going on?
Now we either hold in our farts and
spontaneously combust, o-o-or we let
our farts out and kill our entire planet.
Well I, for one, am not farting anymore!
Uuuh, I- I'll try to find a solution.
We don't want your solutions, phony!
Give me that! Yeah!
Damn you Marsh! Get out of town!
Mr. Garrison, help me!
I, I do not know you, sir.
Yeah, take that!
Dude, that's my dad!
...Oh, yeah. Sorry.
[News 4 Special Report]
The spontaneous combustion problem escalates
as more and more peopel go back to holding
in all their farts. Meanwhile, the
ozone layer continues to deplete as
others refuse to hold in their farts
for fear of combustion. As we all know,
the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh,
the son of a bitch who calls himself
a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh
earlier today and he had this to say:
Ije, I I don't know what to say.
What an asshole! I hate that guy, and
so do you. And now, on to the weather.
It's fucking hot, thanks to Randy Marsh,
son of a bitch!
[Everyone has gone to the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle look out
from the living room window as the crowd clamors outside with
torches. A man knocks down the trashcan next to the garage.]
Dude, those people are pissed!
I know, huh?
Where's your dad?
He's hiding down in the basement. I
I don't know what to do.
Well, you have to help him, just like
I have to help my dad.
[Cartman is still on the cross]
[Gerald's law firm. The sign reads "Brovlofski & Jackson," so
he's got a partner. Gerald sits at his desk looking over papers]
RADIO TALK SHOW HOST
Still more up next from the heat wave
caused by Randy Marsh. A giant glacier
is melting above South Park and the
entire town is doomed. And now, these
Having a hard time with male potency?
Well, I don't, and I'm Bob Dole. What's
wrong with you? Christ, I'm Bob Dole
and I can get it up.
Are you a lawyer?
We want to sue Randy Marsh.
He gave us skin cancer.
Yeah. He put the hole in the ozone,
and now we have skin cancer all over
our hot bodies. Look.
[The Marsh house. Stan and Kyle go to the basement. Randy cowers
in a corner wrapped in a blanket]
What are you doing, dad?
Stanley, I think its best you live with
Kyle from now on. His dad is better
No, he's not! He can't even get a nurection!
Dad, you've got to work! People are
dying, dad. You've got to come up with
Not me. I'm not a scientist, I'm a hack.
Even if I found a solution, those people
would still all hate me.
Well, that doesn't matter! I learned
something from the Stations of the Cross.
See, at first, Jesus was all like, "Why
me?" And he was all pissed off and stuff.
But then he saw that what mattered most
was everybody else. So he stopped thinking
about his own misery, and did what had
to be done. Right as Jesus was dying,
he raised his hand and said, "The needs
of the many outweigh the needs of the
You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely
right. Hey, that Bible sounds like
kind of a good book.
It ain't bad. You should try reading
Dude, that was Star Trek again.
"The needs of the many outweigh the
needs of the few?" That was Wrath of
Uh, well, Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's
All right. Now, let's get to work.
You And Me, Girl [Intro. Randy mixes some chemicals, then writes
some formulas on the chalkboard]
[Randy explains the hold in the ozone layer] I've been telling
everybody that you're my girl,
[Randy set off a reacion that boils over] Cause I'm not one to
[Randy looks into a microscope] You don't have to go with me
if you don't want to, just
[the boys approve] Tell everybody I'm your guy
[Monster Sharon chases Randy and the boys all over the house]
You and me, girl, it's forever
Sha la la la la laaa
I've been telling everybody that you're my girl,
Cause I'm not one to be shy.
[Randy and the boys as a band] I've been telling everybody that
you're my girl,
Cause I'm not one to be shy.
[Randy and the boys in hearts on moiré] You don't have to go
with me if you don't want to, just
Tell everybody I'm your guy
[Randy and the boys floating up through clouds] You and me, girl,
Sha la la la la laaa
[Monster Sharon joins the band] You and me, girl, forever and
You and me, girl, forever and ever
You and me, girl, forever and ever [fade. Randy's humming]
Dad, what are you doin?! You have to
...Right, right right.
[The Broflovski house. Kyle watches TV and Ike plays on the floor.
The front door opens]
Kyle, where's your mother?
Well, I have something to give to her!
Don't worry, Kyle. Everything's gonna
be okay between me and your mom.
Really? Great! I don't have to worry
about that anymore.
[Another night on the cross]
[The Marsh house. The crowd is still clamoring outside]
Look! There he is!
Uh. Please, everyone-
You're a dead man, Marsh!
Please, just listen to me. I think
I found the answer.
Could I borrow one of your rocks?
It's all about moderation. If you never
fart, you combust, but if you always
fart, you deplete the ozone. So we must
fart only at appropriate times or when
it's really, really funny.
I know you all hate me, but please,
for your own sake, fart in moderation.
You can keep stoning me now, if you
[City Hall, three weeks later]
And so we salute Randy Marsh and his
unified theory of moderation that has
saved us all.
See? My dad is the coolest after all.
Well, my dad is, too.
I forgot all about him.
[The boys are not at the foot of the cross.]
He's been up there for like, three weeks.
Hey you guys, I am really pissed off
Dude! You're stil alive, Cartman?
Get me down from here!
Dude, you survived all this time on
the fat stored up in your body?
Yes. And when I get down from here,
I'm gonna kick you both right in the
[End of Spontaneous Combustion. "You and Me, Girl" plays.]