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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 215

                                      "SPOOKY FISH"

                                        Written by

                                       Trey Parker



                                     ANNOUNCER
                         The following program is brought to 
                         you in spoooky vision. Be warned: all 
                         scenes will be accompanied by pictures 
                         of Barbra Streisand. 
 
               [Outer Space. A ship descends and then turns towards Earth, headed 
               for the western U.S. As it enters the atmosphere it begins to 
               burn. It slows down and hovers over a road, then lands gently. 
               A door opens like a camera lens, and an alien drops down. As 
               soom as he moves, a tire crushes him. Judging by the size of 
               the tire, the alien was 18 to 24 inches tall. The tire is that 
               of the South Park Elementary school bus, which stops to let the 
               boys off. Then it pulls away.]
 
                                     STAN
                         I wonder why Cartman wasn't in school 
                         today.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He probably just ditched to avoid that 
                         spelling test.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey guys. How's it going? 

                                     KYLE
                          Uh, nice costume, dude. Who are you 
                         supposed to be? Luke Perry?
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, how come you weren't in school 
                         today?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Did you eat too many pork rinds last 
                         night? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, you're so funny. No matter 
                         how I'm feeling, I can always count 
                         on you guys to lighten me up.
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I had to stay home because my mother 
                         wasn't feeling well. She has the flu, 
                         and I wanted to take care of the house 
                         so she could stay in bed.  I just wanted 
                         to catch you guys to see if we were 
                         assigned any homework tonight.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell are you talking about, 
                         Cartman?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Stop screwing around, dude. We're all 
                         gonna go meet at the store later to 
                         buy pumpkins to carve.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oooh, then we can enter the carving 
                         contest! I'll run home and get money 
                         from Mother. Do you guys need some, 
                         too? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, this is creepy.

               [Stan reaches his house and enters]

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley? Look who's here. Aunt Flo. 
                         
 
                                     AUNT FLO
                         Hello, Stanley. Remember me?

                                     STANLEY
                          Hi, Aunt Flo. 

                                     SHARON
                          Now, Stanley! Aunt Flo only visits 
                         once a month. Be nice.
 
                                     AUNT FLO
                         Hey, Stanley. I brought you and Shelley 
                         presents.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow, really?! Hey, I love Aunt Flo! 
                         
 
                                     AUNT FLO
                          Okay, Shelley. This one's for you. 
                          It's a television/CD player/surround 
                         sound home theater.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow!

                                     SHARON
                         What do you say, Shelley?

                                     SHELLEY
                         Thank you, Aunt Flo.

                                     SHARON
                         Okay, Stanley. Your turn. 

                                     AUNT FLO
                         Your very own fish.

                                     SHELLEY
                         What do you say, Stanley?

                                     STAN
                         I don't know. 

                                     AUNT FLO
                          I think he likes you.  Come on Shelley. 
                         Let's hook up your home theater.
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Okay. 

                                     SHARON
                         How do you like your fish, Stanley?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I don't like it. It's spooky.

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, now, what's spooky about a cute, 
                         little goldfish? Go put him in your 
                         room.
 
                                     STAN
                         Do I have to?

                                     SHARON
                         Yes, you do!

                                     STAN
                         Damn it! 

                                     SHARON
                         Language!

                                     [A DIFFERENT BARBRA PICTURE ZOOMS OUT FROM THE CENTER OF THE SCREEN. NEXT
                         the bus stop. Kyle is already there]
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Where have you been, dude?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, my mom's having her monthly visitor.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Aunt Flo?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Every time she shows up my mom 
                         turns into a total bitch.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Where is Cartman? He said he was gonna 
                         bring money for us to buy a pumpkin.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, I wonder why he's being so nice.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Here he comes.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, Cartman! Did you bring us money 
                         from your mom?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Heh! Yeah, right! You guys could kiss 
                         my black ass!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You said you could get us money, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, you guys are hella stupid! If I 
                         had money, I wouldn't give it to you 
                         assholes!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, at least he's back to normal.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but we can't get a pumpkin, so 
                         we can't enter the carving contest!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It's okay. Kenny said he'd get one.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, how's Kenny gonna get one?! He's 
                         hella poor!
 
                                     STAN
                         Why do you keep saying "hella," fatass?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         'Cause I'm hella cool, that's why.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         That's not cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys are just hella jealous.

               [Night time, storm. Stan's house. Randy is about to turn off 
               the light in Stan's room]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Good night, Stanley. We'll uh see you 
                         in the morning.
 
                                     STAN
                         Can you leave the light on, Dad?

                                     RANDY
                         Well, it has to be off, or your Aunt 
                         Flo will complain about wasting electricity.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I wish Aunt Flo didn't have to visit 
                         now.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, me too. But she only visits your 
                         mom for five days or so. I'll be out 
                         sleeping on the couch. 
 
               [In the darkness, Stan pulls the covers close and looks at the 
               fish. They stare at each other, and the fish blows a bubble. 
               Stan turns away, then looks back. The fish just looks at him. 
               Stan then turns towards the window and begins to fall asleep, 
               until lightning startles him upright. He looks at the tank. The 
               fish is gone!]
 
                                     STAN
                         Where did it go?  Huhhh. 

               [Kenny's house. Rain is dripping in all over the ceiling as pails 
               collect the water. Kenny, Kevin and Mom share a blanket on the 
               sofa while Stuart sits in the armchair]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Give me that-!) 

                                     MOM
                         Kenny ,

                                     KENNY
                         (Ow, mom!)

                                     MOM
                         You share that blanket with your brother! 
                         
 
                                     STUART
                         Who the hell could that be? 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hi there, folks! This is a heck of 
                         a storm out now! Thought maybe you could 
                         use some provisions.  There's some candles 
                         and food in there. It ain't much, but 
                         it should get you through the night. 
                         Take care, folks. I've got other houses 
                         to get to. 
 
                                     STUART
                          Kenny, wasn't that your fat, racist, 
                         foul-mouthed friend, Eric Cartman?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh)

               [Stan's house. He gets up once again to look at the tank, but 
               the shirt is not on it anymore.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey. Where did the shirt go?  I covered 
                         you with a shirt! Where did it go?! 
                          AAAaAaAaAa  I'm not gonna look.  It's 
                         not closer. I'm just seeing things. 
                          GAAAH!  AAAAAAAH!!  MOM! Mom! 
 
                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, settle down!

                                     STAN
                         Look. He's gonna kill me, Mom!

                                     AUNT FLO
                          Is there a problem? 

                                     SHARON
                         Uhno problem, Aunto Flo.

                                     AUNT FLO
                         Do you not like your goldfish?

                                     STAN
                         No!

                                     AUNT FLO
                         I'm sorry. I'm a bad aunt. 

                                     SHARON
                         There, there, Aunt Flo. Stanley loves 
                         his goldfish. 
 
                                     [1
                         25 a.m. Stan is under the covers looking 
                         at the spooky fish. After a long while, 
                         the fish turns around and starts writing 
                         something on the tank wall with his 
                         tail. Stan gets out of bed for a closer 
                         look. The fish finishes writing and 
                         turns to blow on the wall. A gray area 
                         appears and the word "KILL" appears 
                         within it.]
 
                                     STAN
                         AAAAAAAAH! 

                                     SHARON
                          Stanley, what are you doing?!

                                     STAN
                          The fish!  But-.

                                     SHARON
                         Stanley, I'm in no mood for this! Not 
                         when youur Aunt Flo is in town! Oh, 
                         look, you woke your sister up.  Go to 
                         sleep, Stanley! 
 
               [Stan gets back into bed and pulls the covers up. Another flash 
               of lighting gets Stan to sit up again. He looks at the tank again, 
               then gets out of bed for a closer look, failing to notice the 
               growing pool of blood next ot him. The fish again looks down 
               and to the right, and Stan's eyes follow]
 
                                     STAN
                          WAAAAAAAH! Mooomm!

                                     SHARON
                         All right, Stanley. I have had enough 
                         o-  Oh, Stanley, what have you done, 
                         baby? What have you done?? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Mom, I was just sleeping. And the next 
                         thing I knew-.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Sshhh. It's okay, honey. It's okay. 
                         I've got such a good boy, Mommy's little 
                         angel.  Now, don't worry, Stanley. Mommy's 
                         going to hide the body.  Nobody's going 
                         to take my baby away. I've got such 
                         a handsome boy, such a good boy. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          You're not gonna get away with this! 
                         
 
               [Stan walks over to the window and sees his mom digging a grave 
               next to the body. She then places the body in the grave and covers 
               it up. She returns with the shovel to the kitchen and closes 
               the door behind her.]
 
                                     AUNT FLO
                          Sharon!

                                     SHARON
                         D'uh! Aunt Flo, what are you doing up?!
 
                         
                                     AUNT FLO
                         Look at you, with your little shovel. 
                         Just like when you were twelve.
 
                                     STAN
                          Mom, what are you doing?

                                     SHARON
                         Sshh. It's going to be okay, Stanley.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Mom, do you think I killed that guy? 
                         It was the fish! He says I'm next! 
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Now get some sleep, baby. Mommy's taken 
                         care of everything.
 
                                     STAN
                         But MOM!

                                     SHARON
                         Sshh.

               Hush little baby, don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mockin' 
               bird
 
               If that mockin' bird don't sing, Momma's gonna bury it in the 
               backyard
 
               [8 a.m., next day. A rooster crows and Stan's clock farts. Stan 
               wakes up and looks at the tank. The fish is still there. Stan 
               hops off the bed and walks to the tank, but is stopped by another 
               body.]
 
                                     STAN
                         MMOOMM!

                                     SHARON
                          What is it, honey?  My baby's killed 
                         again!
 
                                     STAN
                          No, mom!

                                     SHARON
                          What are we gonna do, baby? What are 
                         we gonna do??  I've got such a handsome 
                         boy, such a good boy. 
 
               [Almost 8 p.m., Kyle's house. Kyle and Cartman are at table when 
               Kenny comes in]
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's about time, Kenny! Did you bring 
                         the pumpkin?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh huh!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, where is it?  What the hell is 
                         that?!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (It's the only thing I could afford.)
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's all you could afford?! Whoever 
                         heard of a squah-o-lantern, Kenny?! 
                         That's hella stupid!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Stop saying "hella," Cartman!  How are 
                         we gonna win the contest with a squash? 
                          Whoa, Stan. You don't look so good.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          I haven't been sleeping so well.

                                     CARTMAN
                          God, I hate you, Kenny.  I have to 
                         get another knife; this one's hella 
                         dull! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         God, will you shut up?!

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, you know how some people are, 
                         like, murderers and stuff?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     STAN
                         Do you think animals can be murderers, 
                         too?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.  Oh, great. He's got that 
                         stupid beard on again.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          No, Kenny. You should cut with the 
                         blade facing away from you. You're gonna 
                         hurt yourself. Seriously, dude. Isn't 
                         this fun, you guys? Carving pumpkins 
                         for Halloween?
 
               You guys are my best friends

               Through thick and thin, we've always been together

               We're four of a kind, havin' fun all day

               Pallin' around and laughin' away

               Just best friends, best friends are we.

               I love you guys. [throughout the song, Kyle and Stan look on 
               with awe]
 
               [Next day. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are at the bus stop. A picture 
               of Barbra in curls is now on all four corners.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         You seem tired, Stan.

                                     STAN
                         I haven't been sleeping well.

                                     KYLE
                         Why?

                                     STAN
                         My pet goldfish killed another random 
                         person last night.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, that sucks, dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, dudes. Man, it's hella cold out 
                         here.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Who'd you expect? Maury Povich? Golly, 
                         you're hella lame!
 
                                     STAN
                         What are you doing?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What do you mean, what am I doing?! 
                         I''m just standing here. Jesus, mellow 
                         out, you guys.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You can't be standing there, Cartman.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why the hell not?!

                                     KYLE
                         Because you're standing over there! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Aaah! Son of a bitch!

                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                          Wow, you don't see this every day.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't believe what I'm seeing.

                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, this is hella weird.

               [Sunrise, Stan's house. Officer Barbrady approaches the front 
               door, humming. He rings the bell]
 
                                     SHARON
                          Oh. Uh-Officer Babrady, Woowhat what 
                         a surprise. Wwhat can I do for you?
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BABRADY
                         Well, there's been a report of a few 
                         missing people.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Is that so?

                                     OFFICER BABRADY
                         Yeah. No biggie, but I was wondering 
                         if you had seen any of them. 
 
                                     SHARON
                         I'd never seen any of those men, Officer 
                         Barbrady.
 
                                     OFFICER BABRADY
                         No, I didn't think so. Mind if I look 
                         around the back yard, though?
 
                                     SHARON
                          Why would you wanna do that?

                                     OFFICER BABRADY
                         Well, I'm checking everyone's back yards. 
                         Missing people usually turn up hiding 
                         in someone's bushes. May I?  Well, this 
                         all looks in-  oh? Tennis anyone? 
 
                         
               [the fourth image of Barbra zooms out and back, and Sharon is 
               now in the basement]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Nobody's going to take my baby away 
                         from me! Nobody!
 
                                     BARBRADY
                          Okay, Mrs. Marsh, I'm afraid I'm going 
                         to have to ask you a few qustions.
 
                         
               [South Park Elementary, lunch time. The boys are in the kitchen 
               for their food]
 
                                     CHEF
                          Hello there, children! 

                                     THE BOYS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         All ready for our Halloween lunch? Today 
                         I've got spooooooky spaghetti, with 
                         freeeeeaky French fries.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh, Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         Or haaauuunted hash browns.

                                     KYLE
                         Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         And a creeeeeepy cookie, and moooooonstrous 
                         milk!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         And a teeeeerrifying napkin!

                                     KYLE
                         Chef!

                                     CHEF
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         We have problems!

                                     CHEF
                         Well, what's the first problem?

                                     STAN
                         Chef, I have a goldfish that keeps killing 
                         people.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh. Well, uh, don't worry, Stan. I'm 
                         sure it'll work out. Now, what's the 
                         other problem?  Oh, nohoho.  Oh, DEAR 
                         GOD, NO!
 
               [cafeteria dining area. The five boys and Chef are sitting at 
               a table]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         …and them I saw them all at the bus 
                         stop, and this son of a bitch is standing 
                         there!
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         I'm sorry I caused so much trouble. 
                         This is all very strange to me, too.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Exactly what do you remember?

                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Well, I was just standing around, and 
                         Stan and Kyle were being really mean, 
                         as usual, and Kenny had just bought 
                         a new car.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Of course! That's it!

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CHEF
                         Don't you see, children? This Cartman 
                         is from an evil, parallel universe where 
                         everything exists as its opposite!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         He's my evil twin? But he doesn't even 
                         look that much like me; he's all fat 
                         and stuff. He's hella lying.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Will you stop saying that word?!

                                     STAN
                         Of course! My pet goldfish must be from 
                         the evil, opposite universe, too!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Children, somewhere in South Park, something 
                         has created a door to the evil, parallel 
                         universe!
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         This is amazing! I can't believe how 
                         nice you are, Chef.
 
                                     CHEF
                         How do you mean?

                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         In my world, you're a skinny, white 
                         insurance salesman. 
 
               [Stan's house, daytime. The boys enter the living room and Stan 
               places his fish on a small desk next to the sofa. Aunt Flo greets 
               them.]
 
                                     AUNT FLO
                          Ooh, hello, boys. I'm Stan's Aunt Flo.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa! What's wrong with your head?! 
                         Why are you shaking like that?
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, that's not cool. She's got Parkinson's 
                         disease.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey, sweet!  Sweeeeeet! Check it out, 
                         guys: you don't even have to put a quarter 
                         in her.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, this is hella cool.

                                     STAN
                         Aunt Flo, where did you get this goldfish?
 
                         
                                     AUNT FLO
                         Nn-oh.  I got it from the pet store, 
                         Stanley.
 
                                     STAN
                         Do you remember what pet store?

                                     AUNT FLO
                         Let's see. I believe it was called "The 
                         Indian Burial Ground Pet Store," just 
                         outside of town.
 
                                     STAN
                         Where?

                                     AUNT FLO
                         I know I have the address written down 
                         somewhere.  Let me look.
 
                                     STAN
                         That's it, dude. We've gotta take the 
                         spooky fish back to that pet store.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who's "we"? You got a turd in your pocket? 
                         I'm goin' home. I'm hella hungry!
 
                         
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         I'll help you, Stan.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut your god-damned mouth, fatass!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude. Are you sure that fish is a murderer? 
                         It seemed like a normal fish to me.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Just help me take it back. Come on! 
                          Did you find the address, Aunt Flo- 
                         Aunt Flo!
 
                                     SHARON
                          Oh, Stanley, no! Not Aunt Flo! 

                                     STAN
                         It was the fish! 

                                     SHARON
                          Oh, what a good baby. What a good son 
                         I have. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Now we'll never know where that pet 
                         store is!
 
                                     KYLE
                         There can't be that many pet stores 
                         in South Park, dude. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Aunt Flo isn't from South Park. The 
                         pet store could be anywhere between 
                         here and Denver. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, we'd better get working. Cartman, 
                         you go home and call all the pet stores 
                         in the phone book.
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Can do!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Screw you! 

                                     SHARON
                          It's all taken care of, Stanley- G'oh! 
                          I've got such a good boy, such a handsom 
                         boy! 
 
                                     STAN
                          Come on, we're running out of time. 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                          Hey, why is the basement door locked? 
                         
 
               [the Marsh basement. Barbrady is still tied up]

                                     BARBRADY
                         -crack corn and I don't care

               Jimmy crack corn and I don't care

               My master's gone away

               
               [long pause]

               
               Jimmy crack corn and I don't care

               [Cartman's house. Both Cartmans are seated on the sofa. Evil 
               Cartman has the phone book, Cartman has a pot pie]
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         I don't see any pet stores called "Indian 
                         Burial Ground."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up, dude! I'm trying to watch TV!
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, back to the Terrance and Phillip 
                         Halloween Special.
 
                                     TERRANCE
                          (Fart)

                                     PHILLIP
                          That fart was absolutely ghoulish, 
                         Terrance. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh-ho-ho, man, that's hella funny! 
 
                         
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                          What's so funny about that?

                                     KITTY
                         Meow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!

                                     KITTY
                         Meow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, Kitty, this is my pot pie, Kitty!
 
                         
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                          Who's my kitty? Who's my little kitty? 
                         My fluffy little cat. Yeah, that's good, 
                         yeah, that's my nice little kitty, yeah. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         NO KITTY, BAD KITTY!!  Hahaha, you-hoo 
                         suck, dude.
 
               [Night time, the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle are on the sofa. 
               Sharon enters with another woman]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Stanley. Kenny's mother is here. She's 
                         wondering if you've seen Kenny.
 
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                          You saw him, didn't you?  You saw my 
                         boy. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, my goldfish-.

                                     SHARON
                         Yeah. Stan just got a new goldfish and 
                         he wanted to show it to Kenny but, Kenny 
                         never came over.
 
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                          My Kenny used to laugh and play. He 
                         was eight years old, just like you, 
                         my Kenny was.
 
                                     STAN
                         I know.

                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         You've gotta tell me what happened to 
                         him!  You have to know somthing!
 
                                     SHARON
                          Mrs. McCormick, I'm going to have to 
                         ask you to leave! You've been drinking!
 
                         
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         That's right, I'm a little drunk.  You'd 
                         be drunk, too, if you'd lost your boy. 
                          My Kenny used to sing and dance, eh.
 
                         
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                          You guys, I found the pet store!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, let's go!  Mom, I know you 
                         think I did all this, but I'm gonna 
                         prove to you it was this fucking fish!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         I believe you, sweetheart.  Run from 
                         him, boys. Run and don't stop!
 
               [A stormy night, at the pet store. The remains of a covered wagon 
               are next to it. The three boys enter]
 
                                     CLERK
                         Can I help you boys?

                                     STAN
                         I wanna return a fish.

                                     CLERK
                          Damn it!

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CLERK
                         That's the ninth return I've had this 
                         week! What's wrong with it?  Ap! Let 
                         me guess. It killed a bunch of people, 
                         right?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, dude.

                                     CLERK
                         Damn it!  Just like all the other returns! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, why is your store called "The 
                         Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?"
 
                                     CLERK
                         Well, there was an Indian burial ground 
                         here before I bought it.
 
                                     STAN
                         So you just- built your store on top 
                         of an Indian burial ground?
 
                                     CLERK
                         Oh, hell no! First I dug up all the 
                         bodies, pissed on 'em, then buried them 
                         again upside down.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why?

                                     CLERK
                         Why? I don't know. I was drunk.

                                     STAN
                         We think that when you did that, you 
                         opened up a doorway to an evil, parallel 
                         universe.
 
                                     CLERK
                         Well, that certainly would explain a 
                         lot.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Like what?

                                     CLERK
                         Well, like this.  I've been wondering 
                         what the hell this was.
 
               [Stan's house. Randy finally opened the door to the basement 
               and brings down some items.]
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hello, Mr. Marsh. Top of the evening 
                         to you.  Okay, bye, then.
 
               [The kitchen. Sharon is preparing cookie dough. Randy enters.]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Sharon?

                                     SHARON
                         Yyes, hon?

                                     RANDY
                         There's a policeman being held captive 
                         in our basement.
 
                                     SHARON
                          Yes, hon. I had to restrain him so 
                         he wouldn't find the bodies in the back 
                         yard and take our baby away. 
 
                                     RANDY
                          Why'd you take his pants off?  Sh-sharon, 
                         why'd you take his- pants off?
 
                                     SHARON
                          Oh, Randy, I just don't know what to 
                         do anymore.
 
                                     RANDY
                         What is it?

                                     SHARON
                         I just ughhhh, I can't believe that 
                         Aunt Flo is gone, that she won't be 
                         visiting me ever again.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh. Wuwell, don't- think of it as an 
                         end, think of it as a new beginning. 
                         Now, could you fill me in on the dead 
                         bodies and captive policeman stuff real 
                         quick?
 
               [Back at the pet store]

                                     STAN
                         Look, pal. This is very simple. All 
                         I want to do is return this fish.
 
                         
                                     CLERK
                         I can't give you your money back.

                                     STAN
                         I don't care, dude! I just want this 
                         fish away from me!
 
                                     CLERK
                         No! I won't take it back!

                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Listen, friend. You can't sell people 
                         pets like this. You have to have a sign 
                         that says, "Warning: these fish are 
                         from an evil, parallel universe." Now, 
                         it's not our fault you disrespected 
                         the bodies of this land's native people, 
                         but by golly , you're gonna take this 
                         fish back.
 
                                     CLERK
                         All right, you win.

                                     STAN
                         Wow! Thanks, evil Cartman! 

                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                          And sir, can I make a suggestion?  
                         Move your store, and let these great 
                         people of the Wampanoag rest in peace.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You kick ass, evil Cartman!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     KYLE
                         You know what I like best about you? 
                         You don't say, "hella," like our Cartman 
                         does. I swear, if he says that one more 
                         time, I'm gonna kill him! 
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         No, Kyle. Murder is never an answer. 
                         
 
                                     CLERK
                          What the-? 

                                     EVIL STAN
                         He was here! Cartman was just here!
 
                         
                                     CLERK
                         Who are you?

                                     EVIL KYLE
                         We're looking for Cartman. The trail 
                         ended here. Where is he?
 
                                     CLERK
                         I don't know who you mean?

                                     EVIL KYLE
                          Maybe this will jog your memory! 
 
                         
                                     CLERK
                         No! Stop! You don't know what you're 
                         doing! Those pets are evil!
 
               [Several identical images of Barbra flash through space, one 
               of them towards the camera, and the boys are walking down Main 
               Street]
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm sure glad that's over with. Now 
                         I can sleep at night.
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Hey, you guys. We still have time to 
                         enter the pumpkin-carving contest.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, yeah! I almost forgot.

                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Come on! I bet that together we can 
                         make the best pumpkin ever!
 
                                     STAN
                         You know, evil Cartman? I like you a 
                         lot better than our Cartman.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, you're cool. And you don't say 
                         "hella."
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Yuh, thanks, you guys. I certainly like 
                         you a lot more than in my evil, parallel 
                         universe. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, where are we going to find a 
                         pumpkin to carve?
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Let's use Kenny's squash.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. You know, I never thought it was 
                         such a bad, little squash. It just needs 
                         some tender, loving care.
 
               [Cartman's house. Cartman is watching TV in the dark. Onscreen, 
               Phillip is in a cemetery standing next to a tombstone that might 
               be Terrance's, and has three roses in his hand]
 
                                     TERRANCE
                          Boo!

                                     PHILLIP
                          Aaaaagh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, man, this movie is hella scary. 
                         
 
                                     EVIL STAN
                         Aha! There you are, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         P'h. Nice costume, you guys. You spent 
                         about a buck fifty on those?
 
                                     EVIL KYLE
                         We're here to take you back, Goody Two-Shoes!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh? I've got a better idea. Why don't 
                         you two go fuck yourselves?
 
                                     EVIL STAN
                          Hey! What's wrong with you, Cartman?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's wrong with me? Let's see. Uum. 
                          I hate you guys. You're hella stupid.
 
                         
                                     EVIL KYLE
                          Come on, Mr. Wholesome! We're taking 
                         you back to our universe!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't touch me! 

                                     EVIL STAN
                         What the hell's goin' on?! Cartman never 
                         hits us!
 
                                     EVIL KYLE
                         Hall right! Just stand there, Cartman! 
                         This gingerification gun will send you 
                         back to our universe!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, right! You guys are from the evil, 
                         parallel universe?!
 
                                     EVIL STAN
                         Yes!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, it's about freakin' time you showed 
                         up! You don't want me, you want that 
                         impostor Cartman! Come on, I'll show 
                         you. 
 
               Pumpkin Carving Contest

               [The Mayor is dressed as a Puritan woman. Johnson holds a ball 
               on a platter. They are on stage, which is adorned with two spiderwebs 
               and a bat in each one]
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         And the winner is: Squash-O-Lantern, 
                         by Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and 
                         the evil Eric Cartman from the parallel 
                         universe!
 
                                     STAN
                          We won, dude!

                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Hooray!

                                     THE MAYOR
                         You boys win the Halloween Chocolate 
                         Ball!
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Oh, no!  Stan and Kyle have come to 
                         take my back to my world, and I don't 
                         wanna go back!
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't worry, Evil Cartman. You're staying 
                         with us! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Now, zap his hella ass back to your- 
                         hella universe!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Stop saying "hella," Cartman!

                                     EVIL STAN
                          Thought you could get away from us, 
                         huh, Cartman?!
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                          Please!

                                     KYLE
                         Leave him alone, butthole!

                                     EVIL KYLE
                         Shut your trap, kid!

                                     STAN
                         Why don't you goys take our Cartman 
                         back? He's more like you anyway.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey, you backstabbin' sellout!

                                     EVIL STAN
                         It's time, Cartman! Prepare for gingerification! 
                         
 
                                     EVIL CARTMAN
                         Well, good-bye, you guys. It's been 
                         fun. 
 
                                     MAN
                         AAAAAH!

                                     WOMAN
                         AAAAAH!

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Oh, what now?!

                                     KYLE
                         It's the evil pets 

                                     EVIL STAN
                         The gingerification gun!

                                     STAN
                          Get to the stage! 

                                     SHARON
                          Oh, dear. It really was Stan's fish 
                         that killed those people!
 
                                     EVIL STAN
                          Give me that gun, kid!

                                     STAN
                         Up yours, evil twin! 

                                     EVIL STAN
                          Noooooo! 

                                     EVIL KYLE
                          Noooooo! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, now you can try to send this 
                         Bozo through and the whole mess'll be 
                         over with!
 
                                     STAN
                         Sorry Cartman. We like Evil Cartman 
                         better. See ya. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         We can't deal with you saying "hella" 
                         anymore, Cartman! You're going to the 
                         other universe! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Which one is the good Cartman?

                                     BOTH CARTMANS
                         I am!

                                     STAN
                         Stop wasting time, Cartman! We have 
                         to send one of you back to the evil 
                         universe!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Now, which one of you is the Cartman 
                         we can't stand?!
 
                                     BOTH CARTMANS
                          He is!

                                     CARTMAN ON LEFT
                         Time is running out. You'll have to 
                         destroy us both.
 
                                     CARTMAN ON RIGHT
                         What?!

                                     CARTMAN ON LEFT
                         It's the only way you can be sure. We 
                         have to both go, for the good of the 
                         world.
 
                                     CARTMAN ON RIGHT
                          Noooo! Screw you guys! 

                                     CARTMAN ON LEFT
                         How did you guys know?

                                     STAN
                         Our Cartman would never say anything 
                         like that.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Haaa hahaha! You guys are hella stupid! 
                         I knew you would fall for that!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh no, dude!

                                     STAN
                         You tricked us, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right, I did!

               You guys are hella stupid

               You guys are hella lame

               You guys are hella dumb

               Hella hella hella!

                                     KYLE
                         Damn it!

               [On the street, Randy walks with Officer Barbrady. The evil pets 
               are still attacking the townsfolk.]
 
                                     RANDY
                         I'm sorry my wife held you captive, 
                         officer. She's been upset 'cause her 
                         Aunt Flo isn't gonna visit her anymore.
 
                         
                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh, I understand. I remember when my 
                         wife stopped getting her monthly visitor.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Uuuh, do you want your pants back?
 
                         
                                     BARBRADY
                         No. Just leave me with my dignity.  
                         Okay, people, move along. Nothing to 
                         see here.
 
               [End of "Spooky Fish." Cartman sings "Best Friends"]
 


Spooky fish



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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