"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 313
"STARVIN' MARVIN IN SPACE!"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Kyle McCulloch
[Space. A small ship makes its way towards earth. An alien flies
the ship. It has a big brain, and its head is covered with veins
that stick out.]
MARKLAR
Marklar, this is Marklar. Approaching
Marklar.
MARKLAR DISPATCHER
Proceed with marklar and make first
contact.
MARKLAR
Marklar. Greetings, Marklar, I am Marklar.
I come in marklar. Oh, marklar. AAAAAAAAAA!
[Fade to next day, the Ethiopian desert under the hot sun. The
Ethiopians laze about in front of their huts, having nothing
to do. The camera pans past the hut to a small white church with
a simple cross and a white picket fence.]
WOMAN
Hello, everyone. I am Sister Hollis.
I was chosen for my mission work to
come here to Africa and teach you all
about the teachings of Jesus. Okay
then, do we have our Bibles that were
handed out freely? No no no, we don't
eat the Bibles, we read them. Now,
let's turn to Mark 3:19. Come on, remember
: reading Bible plus accepting Jesus
equals food. Good. Now, who can read
Mark 3:19? How about... Marvin?
MARVIN
Doundobi godia dyum * *
HOLLIS
No, Marvin, in God's language. English.
MARVIN
Dongdin * * mium bidu
HOLLIS
Where are you going? Back to your life
of sin? Don't you understand that unless
you find Christ, you and all your people
are doomed to eternal hellfire?
ETHIOPIANS
Ooooohhh.
MARVIN
Duo bet tum debettum * * ghm * *? Mah
tah guum tyum * * ghm tm tm.
ETHIOPIAN
Necah * * necundat?
CHIEF
Nn * * de co?
MARVIN
Umi chu.
ETHIOPIAN WOMAN
Wobe dabiga gm * *.
MARVIN
Gobede *.
Starvin
Marvin] In
Space!]
[In Star Wars fashion, the camera moves from space down and right
to a sunny day in South Park. The camera settles on South Park
Elementary as the bell rings. Class is now in session]
MR. GARRISON
...And so, children, that's why Hare Krishnas
are totally gay. Uh, can I help you?
AGENT 1
Yes. I'm Connelly, and this is Sphinx.
We're with the CIA.
SPHINX
We're here to speak with some of your
students. You , you , you , and you
.
MR. GARRISON
Oh, for Pete's sake, what have you bastards
done now?!
CARTMAN
Hey! That was Kyle that went #2 in the
urinal!
KYLE
No it wasn't, fatass! I saw you do it!
CONNELLY
Boys, we need to talk to you about a
matter of national security. Now!
KENNY
(Huh?)
MR. GARRISON
I hope you give them the chair! Anyway,
children, as I was saying, Hare Krishnas
are totally gay.
[A military complex. The boys are seated inside a hangar, with
a lamp shining on them.]
CARTMAN
Oh, dude, this is not cool!
KYLE
Relax, fatass.
CARTMAN
No. Dude, I've seen this on TV. They
shine that light in your face, and then
they try to get you to tell them stuff
by squeezing your balls really hard.
STAN
What??
CARTMAN
Dude, I've seen it! They grab your balls
with their leather-gloved hands and
they squeeze 'em as hard as they can
until they pop like little grapes!
STAN, KYLE
Ow, dude!
CARTMAN
Start with Kenny! Start with Kenny!
SPHINX
Relax, boys. We just need to talk with
you.
STAN
* I told you, fatass.
CONNELLY
Approximately 31 hours ago, an ethnic-looking
child was spotted flying some kind of
state-of-the-art space craft over Chinese
air space.
CARTMAN
Whoa, cool.
SPHINX
Cool? That craft appears to have enough
plutonium fuel on board to blow up a
large city! Do you think that's cool?!
CARTMAN
Totally!
CONNELLY
Alright, children, we just need to know
one thing: Do you know this person?
CARTMAN
Heeyy, that's Starvin' Marvin.
STAN
Sshh!
CONNELLY
Who?
KYLE
You dumbass, Cartman! Now they're gonna
go squeeze his balls!
CARTMAN
Oh. We don't know him.
SPHINX
We already know you know him. We have
this! Now, who is he?!
CARTMAN
Kyle's makin' mudpies; you guys want
one?
CONNELLY
This is getting us nowhere. We'll have
to resort to more drastic measures.
SPHINX
But they're just kids. We can't torture
them.
CONNELLY
Look, we don't know what that craft
is capable of, but the kid is going
to have to land it somewhere. God only
knows what sadistic backwards Third-World
country could get their hands on that
ship!
[Australia. The ship heads towards it, with a song playing in
the cockpit. Marvin is emjoying his flight, but the screen tells
him to debark]
SINGER
Soaring so high above the world,
Never thought I could be so free.
I'm one with the birds, and magic is all I see.
MAN 1
Oy, look up there!
MAN 2
It's a UFO!
CROWD
Oohh?!
MARVIN
Dogom * Dommm * *.
MAN 3
Boy, that's one creeepy alien.
MARVIN
Gmm * Mmm-mm * *.
MAN 4
Talk to 'im, Mayor.
MAYOR
Great and noble alien creature. As Mayor
of the fine planet of Australia, I welcome
you to our fine... planet of Australia.
Chippy chip
CROWD
Churrah!
MAYOR
Look out, he's got a gun!
MAN 5
Wait, it's not a gun. It's a piece of
paper.
MAYOR
Oh. Oh, I thingk he's tryin' to tell
us that he wants to relocate all his
species here to Australia.
MARVIN
* * Muogleblabla mb'g * *.
MAYOR
Well, you certainly are all welcome
'ere, alien. In fact, there's a mission
right over there that will take all
your people in.
WOMAN
Hello-o.
MAYOR
Guess the little pecker doesn't like
missionaries.
[The military complex. The children are being tortured, but not
physically. They moan and grunt]
SPHINX
Now, I'll ask you again. Who is the
little boy that took our ship?
STAN
We don't know.
THE BOYS
Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!
CONNELLY
Who is this person!
CARTMAN
K-kill me.
CONNELLY
Do it again.
THE BOYS
Aaaaaaaa!
CARTMAN
No wait. I'll tell you. He's, he's
a little starving Ethiopian kid. We
adopted him.
KYLE
Cartman!
SPHINX
Adopted from whom?
CARTMAN
Sally. Sally Struthers. The lady on
TV. She knows everything. Sally Struthers.
CONNELLY
Sally Struthers!
SPHINX
Where can we find her?!
CONNELLY
I know exactly where Sall Struthers
is. Let them go.
KYLE
God job, fatass!
CARTMAN
Dude, I couldn't take anymore of that
balloon. Another couple hours of that,
and I would've been totally pissed off.
STAN
Whatever. Let's go see what's on TV.
[Ethiopia, the FEED THE CHILDREN FOUNDATION bulding. The agents
sit in the lobby reading newspapers]
RECEPTIONIST
Gentlemen, Ms. Struthers can see you
now.
CONNELLY
I'm warning you, Bill. Sally Struthers
is a bit heavy. But don't say anything,
because she's pretty sensitive.
SPHINX
Oh, I would never say anything. I saw
some show where they made fun of Sally
Struthers' weight, and I thought it
was totally cruel. I mean, she helps
people, you know.
CONNELLY
Ah, Ms. Struthers.
SALLY
Oh ho ho ho. Un chaka solo david. Saime
no Chewbacca dakaiminbi? ho ho.
CONNELLY
Ms. Struthers. We understand you have
helped raise millions of dollars to
help starving children in Ethiopia.
SALLY
Oh? Makarendae bi cho. Ho ho ho.
CONNELLY
We need information on one of the Ethiopians.
You must tell us everything you know
about him.
SALLY
Do ba kim.
SPHINX
Uh, heh-his name is Starving Marvin.
SALLY
Jonoba unko chocolate Yum Yum bar ancho?
CONNELLY
Why, yes. It is a chocolate Yum Yum
bar, Ms. Struthers , and there are several
more where that came from. Of course,
if you don't want to tell us about the
Ethiopian boy...
SALLY
Mmmmo na ka!
CONNELLY
I'm... glad we can do business.
[Cartman's house, night. The boys are on the sofa watching TV.
Cartman has the remote]
STAN
Come on, dude. There's gotta be somethin'
about Starvin' Marvin in the news.
CARTMAN
Well, I can't find anything- wait. What's
this?
PAT
Uh, God wants you to send us money.
He needs you to send us money so we
can help others.
CARTMAN
Oh, my God, this guy again.
KYLE
Why would anybody send this asshole
money?
KENNY
(To pay for the pockets on his peehole)
KYLE
Yeh-hah.
BOYS
Whoa!
CARTMAN
Oh! Aww! Oh, weak!
KYLE
Starvin' Marvin!
MARVIN
Bongi groinit * *.
KYLE
He did take a ship.
CARTMAN
Well nice job, Marvin! I hope you got
about a thousand dollars to pay for
my house!
MARVIN
Ingan *.
STAN
Dude, you're gonna get busted for taking
this thing.
MARVIN
Chede gwodum * * godom.
KYLE
I think he wants us to get in.
STAN
Kick ass! Wow, this thing is awesome!
KYLE
Let's go somewhere.
SINGER
Soaring so high above the world,
Never thought I could be so free.
STAN
Wow!
KYLE
Yes!
SINGER
I'm one with the birds, and magic is
all I see.
STAN
This is great!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming
from? Could you turn that off?
MARVIN
Gmmm?
STAN
Yeah, that's better.
[Ethiopia, day. A man tries to rise, but doesn't have the energy
to do it]
MAN
Oooh.
HOLLIS
Hello? Howare we doing today? Look what
I got for you.
MAN
Nn * wohg *?
HOLLIS
No, it's not food. It's a cross. And
it has your Christian name printed on
it. From now on, you are Michael. Can
you say "Michael"? Mmmi-chael. Oh,
well. You'll get it. Hello, brother
David. Do you have any sins to confess?
Anybody? Sins to confess? Joshua?
You know, today I'm reminded of Psalm
46, line 39: "Though the mountains shake
and th-"
CONNELLY
Here they are!
HOLLIS
Who are you?
CONNELLY
We're with the American government!
Sally Struthers told us where we'd find
Marvin's parents!
SPHINX
Hello there, Mr. amd Mrs. Clickclickderk.
I think you know why we're here.
[The Marklar ship, night. The boys are flying over a desert]
KYLE
No, dude, you don't wanna bring your
people to Mexico, there's missionaries
there, too.
MARVIN
Blubedegub?
CARTMAN
No way, not Utah. Utah's nothin' but
missionaries.
STAN
Dude, it looks like he's tried everywhere
in the world.
CARTMAN
Well, he hasn't been here yet. Where's
this?
BOYS
Whooaaa!
STAN
What the hell did you hit, Cartman?!
KYLE
Oh, my God! What the hell is that thing?!
BOYS
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
KYLE
Where are we?
MARVIN
Gobin gobedo * * gowog.
STAN
We're on like, some foreign planet.
KYLE
This place is rad. Look at all the trees
and stuff.
MARVIN
Gewhit * * Gewit um hebed wabaduh. Gabalah.
[Planet Marklar, day. The ship's windshield rolls back. The boys
climb down and look around]
MARVIN
Badak bladla buk.
MARKLAR LEADER
Greetings. Welcome to Marklar.
STAN
Uh, thanks.
MARKLAR LEADER
I am Marklar, leader of the Marklar.
STAN
U-uh, cool. My name is Stan, and a-uh,
I'm the leader of Earth.
MARKLAR LEADER
Marklar to you.
STAN
Cool!
CARTMAN
Ey! I'm the leader of Earth!
Stan Screw you, Cartman! I called leader first!
CARTMAN
Well, you can call leader 'til your
ass bleeds, but that doesn't make it
true!
MARKLAR LEADER
We are very thankful to you for bringing
our marklar back to us.
KYLE
Wait. I thought you called your planet
Marklar.
MARKLAR LEADER
Oh, here on Marklar, we refer to all
people, places, and things as marklar.
KYLE
Well, our friend Marvin and all his
people have to live on a part of Earth
that sucks ass. They can't grow food
or nothin'.
STAN
Yeah, so it would be really cool if
you would let Marvin and all his people
come live here.
MARKLAR LEADER
Well, there is a lot of room on Marklar.
If Marklar here wants to bring his marklar
to Marklar, that would be fine. Just
take our marklar back to Marklar and
bring all the marklar back with you.
STAN
Uuh. Thanks.
MARVIN
* *.
[Ethiopia, day. The agents are still drilling Marvin's family]
CONNELLY
Let's go through this one more time,
Mr. amd Mrs. Clickclickderk! Your son
Marvin has the ship that we want! How
can we get it from him?
SPHINX
We are the CIA. That ship needs to
be with us! Maybe we should just take
something precious of yours, huh?!
Daha! This! This gourd-thingy, for
instance. How do you like that, huh?
If you ever wanna see this... little...
thingy again, I suggest you contact
your boy!
SPHINX
There it is!
MARVIN
Muwuhbuh * * mlamleblubluh mjek.
CONNELLY
Back away from the space craft, children!
STAN
Nno. No, it's okay. The ship took us
to another planet. A beautiful, lush
place called Marklar.
KYLE
Yeah. And the leader, he said that all
the Ethiopians can go live there.
HOLLIS
Alien race? Have they... heard the word
of Christ?
CARTMAN
No, never. It's perfect.
HOLLIS
Ooh, no. Those poor souls. We must spread
the Gospel to them.
STAN
What??
MARVIN
*. Mluglu dja mugm blugabeb * * *.
KYLE
Come on, Marvin! We've gotta get your
people to Marklar before the missionaries
do!
CONNELLY
You'll do nothing of the kind! This
ship is now property of the United States
Government!
PROPERTY OF
U.S. GOVT.
THANK YOU
KYLE
No!
MARVIN
Dor dor binor hm ghm.
SPHINX
Call those boys' mothers. I'm sure
they'll be very interested in the trouble
their boys have been up to.
KYLE
Oh, no, dude!
[CBC television studios. The CBC logo, a pair of angel wings
topped by a halo, and CBC printed in front of them, fills the
screen. Next comes "Christian Broadcasting Channel"]
PAT
You know, Susan, theh uhthere are so
many great missionaries doing work,
out there in in inin parts of Africa,
and and uh we're trying to get Bibles
to people all over the world. And what
we need, is the help of everyone out
there so that we can continue these,
these projects. Now, listen to this,
Susan. Wha-one of our missionaries
in North Africa has made an amazing
discovery. U-u-uh a new planet, in the
in the galaxy Alpha Seti VI, that has
intelligent life on it.
SUSAN
Amazing.
PAT
Yeah. We're not sure what these hyper-intelligent
beings look like, but one thing is for
sure: they've never heard of Jesus Christ.
SUSAN
What can we do at the 600 Club to help
those poor aliens?
PAT
Well, what we need, Susan, is we need
money to build an interstallar cruiser.
Now, this space ship will be able to
travel through a wormhole and deliver
the message and guh-glory of Jesus Christ
to those godless aliens. S-send your
money now. Amen.
[Ethiopia. The agents are still investigating...]
CONNELLY
I want everyone to keep a safe distance
from the craft until we can run some
tests.
FBI AGENT
E-excuse me, gentlemen, uh Tom Brokaw
is here to see you.
SPHINX
Tom Brokaw? Oh no, the press already?
"BROKAW"
Oh. Good day, gentlemen.
SPHINX
Uh huh. Mr. Brokaw, I presume.
"BROKAW"
You presume wisely, sir. I'm here to
get the big story, the big scoop. I
understand that you've found some kind
of ship from an alien race. Seeing
as though I am Pulitzer-prize-winning
Tom Brokaw...
CONNELLY
Look, kid. Did you really think this
was going to fool anybody? You don't
look anything like Tom Brokaw.
"BROKAW"
What?! Do you question my integritah?!
KYLE
I told you Tom Brokaw doesn't have
a mustache, fatass!
"BROKAW"
Buh-eh, ugh. I had some bad burritos
today.
MARVIN
* * wughum chughum * *, * *.
CONNELLY
Alright boys. Time to get back to your
quarters.
STAN
Oh.
CONNELLY
Son of a bitch!
STAN
Run for it!
CONNELLY
Get 'em!
CARTMAN
Wah-ey. Come on you guys, wait!
KYLE
Watch out! Here I come!
KENNY
(Hey, you guys, I'm a little bit be-)
(Oof.)
KYLE
Kenny!
CARTMAN
Forget him! He's done for!
STAN
He's not done for, he's standing right
there.
KENNY
(You guys, just fly away!)
CARTMAN
No, no, he's done for. Come on!
SPHINX
Nooo!
CONNELLY
Damnit, damnit, damnit!
[The Marklar ship, space. The ship speeds away from Earth.]
STAN
Alright, we made it!
KYLE
Okay, Marvin. Time to take your people
to their new home!
MARVIN
Gakchak ghm.
KYLE
What was that?
HOLLIS
This is the Missionary 600. We have
you locked on "fire: ready." Turn back
right now.
BOYS
Aaaa!
ETHIOPIANS
Whoa!
STAN
They're shooting at us.
KYLE
Quick, Marvin. Get us to Marklar.
MARVIN
Midik, gmanjaum * *.
KYLE
Well, how'd we do it last time??
STAN
Cartman just hit the button, and the
ship flew itself.
KYLE
Which button did you press, Cartman??
CARTMAN
U-u-huh. I don't remember.
KYLE
You don't remember?!
STAN
You dumbass, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Hey, I was under duress! Maybe it waaas
this one.
SINGER
Soaring so high above the world.
THE BOYS
Aawwww!
SINGER
Never-
[The Missionaary 600, still pursuing the Marklar ship]
HOLLIS
The ship seems to be made out of a...
super-strong alloy. These lasers aren't
powerful enough.
[The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting]
PAT
Everyone, the the Word of God is going
around the world and and all your help
is so greatly appreciated. Eh-oo What
we need now is an argon crystal laser.
Eh you see, an argon crystal laser
can pierce thick space holes in a way
that other lasers just can't. Send your
money now. Uuh-I th-thank you.
[Ethiopia, day. Feed The Chdilren Foundation. The agents are
talking to Sally Struthers]
SALLY
Onadonakami?
CONNELLY
Ms. Struthers, we understand that you
have a ship of your own. One capable
of interstellar travel.
SALLY
Chewmbacca vije dai gwo.
SPHINX
We need to use your ship to catch those
boys. We will do anything for that technology.
SALLY
Juodo nakahobi? Ho ho ho ho.
SPHINX
Ms. Struthers, if those Ethiopians make
it to another planet, who will send
money to your foundation? Without Ethiopians,
you have no food.
SALLY
Wo? Wo chaka gom??
CONNELLY
Oh, that won't be a problem, Ms. Struthers.
We have... collateral.
KENNY
(Oh my God, I get it.)
SALLY
Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho.
[The Missionaary 600, still pursuing the Marklar ship]
HOLLIS
I have the infidels in my sight.
CARTMAN
Holy shit!
ETHIOPIANS
Whoa!
MARVIN
Doye dondabuh.
CREW
Aaah.
HOLLIS
Holy crap, they have photon torpedoes.
[The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting]
PAT
Uhnow, our deflector shields are useless
against phorton torpedoes, and we really
need your support on this one, folks.
Here at the 600 Club we need your money
to spread the Word of Jesus, and build
more advanced deflector shields for
our galactic cruiser. Call now, and
we'll give you this free pin.
[Space. The Missionaary 600 and the Marklar ship now do battle.
Marvin fires at the Missionaary 600 twice more.]
600 CREW
Aaah.
STAN
You got 'em, Marvin.
KYLE
Yeah, now finish 'em off!
COMPUTER
Warning. Deflector shields failing.
KYLE
Where did that come from??
SALLY
Ho ho ho ho.
CONNELLY
Good! Now get them in our tractor beam!
HOLLIS
Now we've got 'em!
SALLY
Ho ho ho ho.
CARTMAN
It's Sally Struthers!
HOLLIS
Well, it appears they'll be going back
to Ethiopia, so we can go on to the
aliens.
KYLE
Sorry, Marvin. We tried.
CARTMAN
Wait. Ms. Struthers? Ms. Struthers!
SALLY
Wo?
CARTMAN
Ms. Struthers, please. Just listen to
me for one second. You started the Feed
the Children Foundation for wonderful
reasons: to help starving, helpless
people who live in a rotten part of
the world. Well, it's for those reasons
we wanna help our friend Marvin now.
SALLY
Holna chewbacca?
SPHINX
Ms. Struthers, don't forget the gift
we gave you: the child in carbonite.
SALLY
Dama doko nou na oh.
CARTMAN
Ms. Struthers. You helped so many people,
and you've taught us that helping people
is what life is all about. All we wanna
do is... be like you.
SALLY
Oh, foada!
600 CREW
Whoa!
CARTMAN
She bought it.
STAN
Sally Struthers is saving us!
[The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting]
PAT
Uh, now, now, stay with me on this one,
folks. Uh, Sally Struthers has a Tiberian
junker , which is uh the favorite ship
of the Hutts, and she has trapped oureh,
our our new CBC ship in a uh poe-sitronic
tractor beam.
POSITRONIC
TRACTOR BEAM
SO WE'RE GONNA
NEED AN IONIC
TRACTOR
DISRUPTOR
Uh, so we're gonna need an ionic tractor disruptor. Now now,
not a regular ionic di- tractor disruptor, but a negative ionic
tractor disruptor to uh, help spread the Word of Jesus. [to Susan,
softly] I don't have a fucking idea up here.
[Space. The junker is busy pulling the Missionary 600 in. The
Marklar ship is free to leave]
STAN
Now's our chance!
CARTMAN
Wait. I remember. It was the red button!
HOLLIS
They've opened the wormhole!
KYLE
It's pulling us in!
BOYS
Aaaah!
600 CREW
Aaaah!
[Marklar. The ship land. The Missionary 600 has to lean to one
side. All parties are out of their ships]
KYLE
Marvin...
MARKLAR
Please, please, please. We are confused.
You must explain one at a Marklar.
HOLLIS
Alien friend, we are here to spread
the Word of Jesus. He died for your
sins.
MARKLAR
Who? Marklar?
STAN
We brought Marvin and his people to
live here, but these buttholes followed
us.
MARKLAR
Brought m- marklar??
HOLLIS
What is "marklar"?
MARKLAR
Yyou're marklar; everyone and everything
is referred to as marklar.
SPHINX
Doesn't that get confusing?
MARKLAR
Oh no. Watch this. Hey, Marklar!
MARKLAR
Yes?
MARKLAR
You see?
KYLE
Wait. Wait. I think I can explain this
whole thing. Marklar, these marklars
want to change your marklar. They don't
want Marklar or any of these marklars
to live here because it's bad for their
marklar. They use Marklar to try and
force marklars to believe they're marklar.
If you let them stay here, they will
build marklars and marklars. They will
take all your marklars and replace them
with Marklar. These marklar have no
good marklar to live on Marklar, so
they must come here to Marklar. Please,
let these marklars stay where they can
grow and prosper without any marklars,
marklars, eh or marklars.
MARKLAR
Young marklar, your marklars are wise
and true.
HOLLIS
What the hell did he say?
STAN
Wow! Good job, dude!
KYLE
Thanks.
MARKLAR
The marklars can stay!
ETHIOPIANS
Wooo!
BOYS
Alright!
CARTMAN
Alright,
MARKLAR
You marklars must leave.
HOLLIS
But you will all burn forever in eternal
hellfire.
MARKLAR
Yes, that's nice. Thank you for stopping
by.
STAN
Well Marvin, it was sure cool seeing
you again.
MARVIN
Chak chak glika gm gm guchab mglup.
KYLE
No, we gotta go. Sally Struthers is
gonna give us a ride back to Earth.
SALLY
Bwo chaaga bi.
BOYS
Goodbye, Marvin.
MARVIN
Chak chak m geteaub m * *.
STAN
Maybe we'll come and visit sometime.
CARTMAN
Yeah, and maybe Jesse Jackson will be
President, heh.
STAN
Dude!
CARTMAN
What? We're not gonna come visit him.
STAN
I know, but you don't tell him that!
CARTMAN
T'heh, whatever.
DVDA
[End of Starvin' Marvin In Space
I am Chewbacca
I am a Wookie
...
I am Chewbacca
I have no home
My home is where
My spirit goes]
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