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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 109

                                     "STARVIN MARVIN"

                                            by

                                       Trey Parker

                

               EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Establishing.

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The boys are all gathered on Cartman's couch watching 
               television. They are all laughing.

                                     STAN
                         That was awesome!!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah!

               Cartman's mother steps in front of the T.V.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Would you boys like some cheesy poofs?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Pissed)
                         Get out of the way, mom! The Terrance 
                         and Phillip Thanksgiving special is 
                         on!!

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                              (Walking away)
                         Sure hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Calling after her)
                         And yeah we want cheesy poofs!!

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

               EXT. PLYMOUTH - DAY

               Terrance and Phillip, wearing pilgrim hats, stand in front 
               of a boat.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Hey Terrance, looks like this might 
                         be a good place to start a new colony.

                                     TERRANCE
                         It sure does Phillip. Nobody will 
                         oppress our religion here!

               Terrance farts loudly on Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         OH!! YOU STAINED MY PILGRIM HAT, 
                         BUTT PIPE!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The boys all laugh merrily, now surrounded by bags of cheesy 
               poofs.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did you guys see that?! That was 
                         sweet!

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     NARRATOR
                         Coming up next on The Terrance and 
                         Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip 
                         farts on Terrance and laughs!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, Cool!

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     NARRATOR
                         And now a word from our sponsor.

               A commercial begins. An image of desolate, barren land.

                                     FEMALE VOICE
                              (Voice over)
                         Here in the heart of Africa, children 
                         are dying. Not from disease or war... 
                         but from hunger.

               An image of starving kids with flies all around them.

                                     FEMALE VOICE
                         I'm Sally Struthers...

               Sally steps in front of the camera; a big, fat pig.

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         These children are in desperate need, 
                         and only you can help.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, who's that fat chick?

                                     KYLE
                         Sally Struthers, dude. She used to 
                         be on Full House.

                                     STAN
                         Oh.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         You see, here in the middle of Africa, 
                         food is extremely scarce --

                                     STAN
                         Doesn't look like she's having any 
                         trouble finding food.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. ...Hey!

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         For just five dollars a month, you 
                         can sponsor a child.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's stupid. Who the hell would 
                         want to do that?

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         Sponsor now, and we'll also send you 
                         this Taiko Digital Sports watch as a 
                         free gift.

                                     CARTMAN
                         KICK ASS!!

                                     STAN
                         Sweet!!

               The boys all rush to the phone.

                                     STAN
                         I'll call! I know my mom's credit 
                         card number!!

               Stan dials the number.

                                     KYLE
                         Did they say if its water-proof?

                                     STAN
                         Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?
                              (Pause)
                         Oh...

                                     KYLE
                         What'd she say?

                                     STAN
                         Shut up, butt pirate, I'm trying to 
                         hear!

                                     KYLE
                         Ass rammer.

                                     STAN
                              (Into phone)
                         Yes... Yeah, we want to adopt a 
                         starving Etheropian.

                                     CARTMAN
                         When do we get the sports watch?

                                     STAN
                         JUST A SECOND, FAT ASS!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You vas diferens!

                                     STAN
                              (Into the phone)
                         Hello? No, it's a mastercard...

               Stan suddenly stops and puts the phone down.

                                     STAN
                              (To Cartman)
                         Vas diferens?!

               The boys all look at Cartman, who just shrugs.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rpmh.

                                     STAN
                         Oh.

                                     KYLE
                         Ask her if we get the watch right 
                         away!

                                     STAN
                              (Back to the phone)
                         Do we get the sports watch right 
                         away?
                              (to the other boys)
                         She says we do.

                                     BOYS
                         Coooool.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I get to wear it first you guys!!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               The class is decorated with Thanksgiving garb. The boys are 
               ancy in their seats.

                                     KYLE
                         I can't wait to get out of school 
                         and get our Taiko Sports watch!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, but I get to wear it first. I 
                         said!!

               Mr. Garrison steps in front of the class.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Children, children, to honor this 
                         special time of year, we'll be doing 
                         a canned food drive. Does anybody 
                         know what a canned food drive is?

               Cartman raises his hand.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes, Eric?

                                     CARTMAN
                         When they cut up a chick's stomach 
                         to get a baby out?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...No, that's a Caesarian section, 
                         Eric... But that's okay. Remember 
                         there are no stupid questions, just 
                         stupid people.

               Cartman thinks.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         A canned food drive is when we collect 
                         canned food for poor people who can't 
                         afford to eat on Thanksgiving.

                                     STAN
                              (Pointing)
                         You mean like Kenny?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Exactly.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Raising his hand)
                         Mr. Garrison, why do poor people 
                         always smell like sour milk?

               Garrison sighs and rolls his eyes.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I don't know, Eric, they just do.

               Kyle leans over and smells Kenny.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now children, I want each of you to 
                         bring in ONE CAN of food, and later 
                         the Mayor of South Park will divide 
                         it up amongst Kenny's family and 
                         other poor people.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not bringing in food for poor 
                         people. Screw them!

                                     WENDY
                         Don't you want to help those who are 
                         less fortunate?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys, do you hear something? 
                         I think I hear the flower children 
                         calling.

                                     WENDY
                         This is the one time of year you're 
                         supposed to care about people who 
                         can't eat.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?! 
                         What about the poor houses that I 
                         pay for?!

                                     WENDY
                         Many would rather die than go to 
                         those places!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well then perhaps they should, and 
                         decrease the surplus population!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, kids, that's enough Dickens 
                         for one day. Let's get on with our 
                         lesson. Right Mr. Hat?

                                     MR. HAT
                         That's right Mr. Garrison, Englbert 
                         Humperdink was the first person on 
                         the moon, who was second?

               Suddenly, a group of turkeys burst into the classroom and 
               gobble loudly.

                                     CLYDE
                         AGHAGAGAH!!!!!

               The turkeys peck and move wildly, causing all the kids to 
               jump up on their desks. Even Mr. Garrison gets up on his 
               desk.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the hell is going on?!

               The Turkeys quickly tear the room apart. Knocking over desks, 
               and tearing everything off the walls.

               Just as quickly as they came, the turkeys leave. Leaving the 
               classroom a disaster.

                                     GARRISON
                         Well... You don't see that everyday.

               EXT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

               The mayor is pacing in her office.

                                     MAYOR
                         Okay, now once we have all the canned 
                         foods collected... We'll need some 
                         clever way to distribute them to the 
                         poor...

                                     ASSISTANT
                         It should be something festive!

               Suddenly, the genetic engineer (Mr. Mephesto from ep. 105) 
               bursts into the office with his little monkey boy.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Mayor! We've got a very big problem!!

                                     MAYOR
                         Ah... You're that insane genetic 
                         engineer from up on the hill, right?

                                     MAPHESTO
                         Yes, and I may have made a horrible 
                         mistake! I was trying to genetically 
                         engineer Turkeys for Thanksgiving...

                                     MAYOR
                              (Skeptical)
                         Uh-huhhhh....

                                     MEPHESTO
                         You know, to provide food for the 
                         needy.

                                     MAYOR
                              (Still skeptical)
                         Of course.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Well, something went wrong, and the 
                         turkeys broke free, and the worst 
                         part is... They're REALLY pissed 
                         off!

                                     MAYOR
                              (Still Skeptical)
                         Nnnaturally...

               The Mayor turns to her assistants and does a 'crazy' signal 
               with her hand. The assistants laugh.

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh do go on.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         We have to stop them or they could 
                         destroy everything! Time is short!!

               The mayor again turns to her assistants, but this time pulls 
               out a koo-koo clock, and turns it on so the little bird comes 
               out -- 'Koo-koo'

               The assistants laugh.

                                     MAYOR
                         You were saying?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         They act just like normal turkeys, 
                         except they're evil.

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh, my...

               The mayor turns yet again to her assistants, this time, she 
               pulls a large mule out of nowhere. The mule goes 'heehorr' 
               and the assistants laugh.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Somehow I don't think you're taking 
                         me seriously.

                                     MAYOR
                         Now why would you say that?

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               The boys BURST in through Cartman's front door.

                                     BOYS
                              (Ad libbing)
                         DID IT COME?! DID IT COME?! IS IT 
                         HERE YET?! I GET TO USE IT FIRST YOU 
                         GUYS!!

               The boys look around and see nothing.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom... Did our Digital Sports Watch 
                         come yet?

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                              (Peeping in)
                         Not yet, hon...

               The boys all get bummed.

                                     STAN
                         Damn!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey look you guys!

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to part two of the 
                         Terrance & Phillip Thanksgiving 
                         Special

                                     TERRANCE
                         I sure am cold Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes, and hungry too. Being a Pilgrim 
                         totally sucks ass.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Gosh, I hope we don't starve.

               Phillip suddenly farts.

               Suddenly, there is a knock at the door! The boys all look at 
               each other with huge eyes.

               After a pause, they RUSH to the door.

                                     KYLE
                         THE DIGITAL SPORTS WATCH IS HERE!!!

               Cartman opens the door.

               The boys' faces all drop.

               Standing there, looking pitiful and hungry, is a little 
               Ethiopian child.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell?!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, that's not a digital sports 
                         watch.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey... It looks like one of those 
                         Etheropians.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, man! They must have accidentally 
                         sent him instead of the Sports watch!

                                     KYLE
                         Maybe they took it literally when we 
                         said we wanted to adopt a kid!

               The little kid speaks.

                                     STARVIN' MARVIN
                              (Making clicking sounds)
                         Embaba dabubu.

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa! That was cool!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, how'd he make those clicking 
                         sounds?

                                     KYLE
                         What's your name, dude?

                                     STARVIN' MARVIN
                         Bubu da Barbin.

                                     STAN
                         I think he said his name is 'Marvin'.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Laughing)
                         Yeah. STARVIN' Marvin!

               The boys all laugh.

                                     KYLE
                         Nice to meet you, Starvin' Marvin!

               Marvin blinks.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey Mom!

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                              (Leaning in)
                         Yes, hon?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We found a Etheropian; can we keep 
                         him?

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Sure, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, let's bring him to school 
                         tomorrow!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Starvin' Marvin! I want you 
                         to meet my little brother.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, No! He's my son, I adopted him.

                                     STAN
                         It was MY mom's credit card!

                                     KYLE
                         Okay, okay we'll switch off. Starvin' 
                         Marvin can stay here for a week. 
                         Then at Stan's, then with me.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and never with Kenny 'cause 
                         his family is too poor.

                                     KYLE
                         Totally!

               The boys all laugh. Kenny kicks Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         OW!

               EXT. STARK'S POND - NIGHT

               A young couple is walking along the pond holding hands and 
               looking lovingly at one another.

                                     WOMAN
                         Look how the leaves fall so delicately 
                         on the surface of the pond. It's so 
                         beautiful...

                                     MAN
                         Not as beautiful as you.

                                     WOMAN
                         Oh!

               They kiss. Over the woman's shoulder the man sees a group of 
               turkeys. They have doubled in number.

                                     MAN
                         Oh, Darling, look. Thanksgiving 
                         turkeys.

                                     WOMAN
                         Ooh, They're so beautiful...

                                     MAN
                         Not as beautiful as you.

               The turkeys come close and surround the couple. The man turns 
               to the woman.

                                     WOMAN
                         Look at the way they foam at the 
                         mouth. Like beautiful suds of beer.

                                     MAN
                         Not as beautiful as --

               Just then the group of turkeys attacks and tears the couples 
               clothes to shreds.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

               INT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT

               The boys and their families are gathered around a HUGE table.

                                     STAN
                         This is a great way for you to 
                         experience America, Starvin' Marvin. 
                         This is what we call an 'All you can 
                         eat buffet'.

               Marvin looks around nervously.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, here you can eat all you want 
                         for only $6.99 That's why we all 
                         come here on Tuesday nights. Except 
                         for Kenny's family, 'cause to them 
                         $6.99 is two year's income.

               They all laugh merrily.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why is YOUR family poor, Starvin' 
                         Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic 
                         too?

               Marvin just sits there. A waiter walks in and sets down a 
               large plate of shrimp.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You see, Starvin Marvin, these are 
                         what we call APPETIZERS.

                                     STARVIN' MARVIN
                         Apee-tiser.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is what you eat before you eat... 
                         to make you more hungry.

               Marvin can't believe it.

               The waiter reappears with several plates of food.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oop! Food's here! That's it for the 
                         appetizers!

               Cartman grabs the plate of shrimp and tosses it into a trash 
               can. Marvin's eyes absolutely pop.

               The boys start to gorge themselves.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No Starvin' Marvin that's my pot 
                         pie!

                                     STAN
                         Cartman you butt pipe, this is the 
                         time of year you're supposed to share.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah you're right.
                              (to Marvin)
                         Are you going to eat all of your 
                         peach cobbler? No you don't want all 
                         that. Why don't you share it with 
                         me... Let me just have some of that.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               Garrison stands before the class holding a box that reads 
               "Canned Food Drive."

                                     GARRISON
                         Children, children, I'm a little 
                         disappointed in your Thanksgiving 
                         spirit. Only a few cans have been 
                         donated to our canned food drive...

               Garrison pulls out a few cans.

                                     GARRISON
                         And can't we do a little better than --
                              (Reading the cans)
                         Creamed corn, creamed corn and creamed 
                         corn?

               The class stares blankly.

                                     GARRISON
                         Please bring in more diverse food 
                         children, or else Kenny's family is 
                         going to have a pretty 'corny' 
                         Thanksgiving.

               Garrison pauses, and then starts laughing wildly.

               The kids all just sit there, Kenny just stares, as Garrison 
               slaps his knee and laughs like he just told the best joke in 
               the world.

                                     GARRISON
                         Corny... Corny... Gravy... Corny 
                         Thanksgiving... Hoo!

               Finally, Garrison contains himself.

                                     GARRISON
                         Anyway, children, I understand a few 
                         of you have brought in something 
                         special for show and tell...

               Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny raise their hands.

                                     BOYS
                              (ad lib)
                         Yeah, yeah... We did. We do! We do!

                                     GARRISON
                         All right, boys, show us what you've 
                         brought.

               The boys walk with Starvin' Marvin to the front of the class.

                                     KYLE
                         This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' 
                         Marvin.

               Marvin looks around nervously. He peeks into the box of canned 
               food.

                                     STAN
                         He can do really cool stuff with his 
                         voice. Show 'em, Starvin' Marvin.

               Marvin says nothing, but instead reaches into the box and 
               pulls out a can of cream corn.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No! Starvin' Marvin, that's KENNY's 
                         creamed corn!

               Cartman grabs the can and puts it back in the box

                                     CARTMAN
                         No Starvin' Marvin... That's a BAD 
                         starvin' Marvin!

                                     GARRISON
                         Boys, what the hell are you doing? 
                         This is horribly, horribly WRONG!! 
                         How did you get this child?

                                     STAN
                         He was accidentally delivered to us 
                         instead of a sports watch.

                                     GARRISON
                         The sports watch from the commercial?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, that one.

                                     BEBE
                         I want a Starvin' Marvin!

                                     CLYDE
                         Me too!

                                     PIP
                         Yes I'll pay fifty dollars for one!

               All of a sudden, all the other children go crazy. AD LIBBING 
               'I want a Etheopian' etc.

                                     GARRISON
                         Boys, you're too young to take care 
                         of a child. I'm afraid I'm going to 
                         have to call the Red Cross and have 
                         him returned.

                                     KYLE
                              (To Stan)
                         Aw! I TOLD you we shouldn't have 
                         brought him to school, dude!!

               INT. PRINCIPALS OFFICE

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you 
                         can pick him up tonight. Bye now.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Now, boys I hope you've learned your 
                         lesson.

                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         You can't care for this child!

                                     KYLE
                         But I thought we were supposed to 
                         care on Thanksgiving.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Yes, but you don't actually get 
                         involved with the child's lives. 
                         You're supposed to just send money. 
                         And once in a while they write you a 
                         letter.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a 
                         normal place like South Park.

                                     STAN
                         So why can't he live here now?

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Because he can't!

                                     KYLE
                         Because why?

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Because 8 year olds can't be parents.

                                     KYLE
                         Then you take care of him.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         I can't. I'm, ah, very busy. I send 
                         my $5 a month. See?

                                     STAN
                         This sucks. Starvin' Marvin is our 
                         friend.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh well, back to the poor country 
                         with you.

                                     KYLE
                         You better watch what you say Cartman. 
                         You might be poor and hungry some 
                         day.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah, right.

               EXT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - DUSK

               Establishing. Lightning strikes.

               INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - DUSK

               Inside his lab, Mephesto is looking through a microscope.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         I knew you were the only person who 
                         would listen to me, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah, well let's get it over with. 
                         This place gives me the Bubujeebies.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Look here, my microscope. Tell me 
                         what you see...

               Mephesto gestures towards his microscope. Chef puts his eye 
               on it.

                                     CHEF
                         Uhh... I see an extreme close up of 
                         Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Oh, whoops.

               Mephesto quickly switches the plates under the microscope.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         NOW tell me what you see.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say 
                         it looks like Turkey DNA.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Precisely. But look how rapidly its 
                         dividing.

                                     CHEF
                         What does it mean?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         It means the turkeys are growing at 
                         an exponential rate. If we don't 
                         destroy them all...

               ZOOM IN

                                     MEPHESTO
                         They'll take over the town. Maybe 
                         the WORLD!!!

                                     CHEF
                         Oh Fudge!!

               Dramatic MUSIC!!

                                     CHEF
                              (Pause)
                         Aah, lemme' see that Vanessa Redgrave 
                         thing again...

                                     MEPHESTO
                         Sure.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK

               The sun sets, and night falls on South Park,

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Starvin' Marvin sits in the dark in Cartman's living room.

               We hear car doors slam. Starvin' Marvin's eyes grow wide.

               The front door bursts open. Two men in suits burst in.

                                     AGENT 1
                         Hello there little boy, we're looking 
                         for a starving African child who was 
                         accidentally sent here instead of a 
                         Taiko Sports Watch.

               Marvin thinks for a LONG time...

               Finally, Marvin points to Cartman's bedroom. The agents exit 
               offscreen.

               We HEAR the agents bust into Cartman's room.

                                     CARTMAN (O.S.)
                         Hey! Hey! What's going on? Hey, let 
                         go of me! I'll kick you in the nuts! 
                         Okay man?

               Marvin is looking in the direction of the bedroom. The agents 
               enter. One has Cartman wrapped in a blanket slung over his 
               shoulder. We HEAR Cartman mumbling.

                                     AGENT 1
                              (TO Marvin)
                         Here's your sports watch, son. Sorry 
                         for the mix up.

               Marvin takes the watch. The agents leave.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (O.S. and distant)
                         HEY!!!! seriously. You're pissing me 
                         off...

               We HEAR the screech of tires. There is a pause. Marvin looks 
               down at the watch on his wrist. Then he looks up.

                                     STARVIN' MARVIN
                         Sweeeet.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

               EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY

               There is a large crowd gathered in the middle of South Park. 
               We see the canned food grab capsule. There is a podium and 
               microphone set up.

               The mayor and her assistant stand next to the can grab 
               capsule.

                                     MAYOR
                         So, how does this thing work?

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Well, Mayor. Its based on the cash 
                         grab. But instead of money, the cans 
                         of food are blown around inside the 
                         capsule. The pov catches as many as 
                         he can to feed his family.

                                     MAYOR
                         Pov?

                                     ASSISTANT
                         POVerty stricken citizen.

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh, brilliant!

               Suddenly the flock of wild turkeys (it is bigger now) attacks 
               the Thanksgiving decorations. A flurry of feathers, 
               decorations and gobbling.

                                     MAYOR
                         Aaaah! What the HELL is THIS?

                                     ASSISTANT
                         I don't know, Mayor.
                              (looking at a program)
                         I don't think it's listed on the 
                         program.

               Mephesto appears again.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         They're increasing in number!! Mayor, 
                         these are the vicious Turkeys I warned 
                         you about!!

               Chef appears Stan, Kyle and Kenny are following him.

                                     CHEF
                         It's true, Mayor! those turkeys just 
                         ripped apart my cafeteria!! WHOA!!

               Just then the turkeys run past Chef, gobbling.

                                     CHEF
                         YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS YOU 
                         BASTARDS!!!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow! Those are some PISSED OFF 
                         turkeys!!

                                     MAYOR
                         Okay, people, don't panic. Bring out 
                         the defense squad!

               Jimbo and Ned appear with shotguns. They immediately start 
               firing their guns, and the turkeys start running away.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         We need more than that! They'll only 
                         come back in increased numbers!!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               Starvin' Marvin is sitting on Cartman's couch eating a pot-
               pie and watching TV.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION

               Terrance and Phillip are both wearing pilgrim costumes sitting 
               at a thanksgiving table with Native Americans.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans?

                                     PHILLIP
                         Beans? Oh, oh, looks like we'll be 
                         at war with these Indians soon. Wait 
                         wait wait, here it comes... Oh, I 
                         crapped my pants.

               Terrance lets out a good fart. They both laugh. Marvin laughs.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, I think you got some spatter on 
                         Chief Running Wolf!

                                     TERRANCE
                         I spattered his face.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Now he's a smelly Indian.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         We'll be back to Part Fourteen of 
                         the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving 
                         Special right after this:

               COMMERCIAL - EXT. AFRICA

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         Hunger is an enemy that we ALL must 
                         fight...

               The camera PANS across the starving people.

               ANGLE - MARVIN

               Who perks up.

               RESUME - TELEVISION

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         These children desperately need your 
                         support...

               The camera PANS across more starving Ethiopians. Now we see 
               Cartman in the background.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (In the distance)
                         HEY! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE! 
                         THIS SUCKS!!

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         So please call and adopt a child 
                         today.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Still in distance)
                         I'M SERIOUSLY GETTING PISSED OFF 
                         OVER HERE!!!!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               Marvin smiles at the television and takes another bite of 
               his pot-pie.

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                              (Leaning in)
                         You want some more cheesy poofs, 
                         hon?

               Marvin thinks...

                                     STARVIN' MARVIN
                         Ya I won da cheesy poof!

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Okay!

                                     STARVIN' MARVIN
                         Sweet.

               EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

               In the barren, desolate African landscape, Cartman is walking 
               among the starving masses, pissed off.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is SERIOUS BullSHIT!! There has 
                         to be a Happy Burger around here 
                         somewhere...

               Cartman walks by a starving family.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Innocent and Sweet)
                         Excuse me, I am a lost little boy. 
                         Could you help me?

               The family just lies there, dying.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well SCREW YOU TOO!!

               Cartman storms off.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Waving his arms around)
                         What the? ...Who the hell let all 
                         these flies in here?! Hasn't anybody 
                         ever heard of insect repellent?!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY

               The whole town has gathered for the Thanksgiving day canned 
               food grab.

               Kenny is onstage with the mayor.

                                     MAYOR
                         Alright everyone, it's time to give 
                         out canned food to the poor.

               The townspeople cheer. Stan and Kyle look at each other with 
               concern.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, where's Cartman?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know. Do you know where he 
                         is Marvin?

                                     MAYOR
                         Looks like we have the turkey problem 
                         under control. It's time to embrace 
                         the spirit of giving with the canned 
                         food grab!

                                     MAYOR
                              (To Kenny)
                         Come on. Hurry up!

               Kenny walks into the capsule. The air-tight door closes behind 
               him.

               Now we see Kenny's family for the first time. His mother, 
               father, brother and sister are all average looking, but 
               dressed poorly.

                                     KENNY'S MOTHER
                         Grab a lot, son!!

                                     MAYOR
                         HAPPY HAPPY THANKSGIVING. LET'RRRRR 
                         RIP!!!

               A whirring sound is heard and the cans begin to fly.

                                     MAYOR
                         C'MON, GRAB THOSE CANS LITTLE BOY!!

               Kenny gets hit with cans and tossed around roughly.

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         Come on, Kenny!!

                                     KENNY'S DAD
                         C'mon son!!

               It gets more violent as the power of the air actually picks 
               Kenny up off the ground and makes him fly around like the 
               cans.

               For a moment we can't even tell what's happening, just a 
               blur of whirling cans and Kenny. Finally the mayor shuts the 
               machine off.

               Kenny stumbles out, dizzy and holding just one little can.

                                     MAYOR
                         Now let's see all the goodies you're 
                         gonna take home to your family!!

               The mayor grabs the can from Kenny, who passes out.

                                     MAYOR
                         It looks like he got a... a can of 
                         string beans!

               The audience cheers.

               But they stop when they hear a familiar, ominous sound...

               Gobble, gobble, gobble!!

                                     CHEF
                         What the...?

                                     STAN
                         DUDE! THE MUTANT TURKEYS ARE BACK!!!

               Everybody panics! They turn to see the turkeys, now a huge 
               mass, heading towards them!

               The turkeys attack! There are hundreds of them and they 
               immediately tear into everything. It is total pandemonium. 
               Barbrady tries to keep control.

                                     BARBRADY
                         Okay, people, move along! Nothing to 
                         see here, lookie loos!

               But the chaos continues. There is screaming and blood and 
               feathers. Finally, the turkeys run off.

               Chef climbs onto the stage.

               Mephesto runs up to the Mayor.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         I tried to tell you but you didn't 
                         listen!!

                                     CHEF
                              (Into the microphone)
                         Gather 'round everybody, and listen 
                         good! Go to your homes and arm your...
                              (looking at Monkey 
                              Boy)
                         What the hell are you supposed to be 
                         anyway?

                                     MEPHESTO
                         That's not important right now.

                                     CHEF
                         No! What the hell is this little 
                         thing supposed to be? It doesn't 
                         look like anything.

                                     MAYOR
                         Chef! The turkeys!

                                     CHEF
                         Oh alright. Listen up everybody, and 
                         listen good. Go to your homes and 
                         arm yourselves with whatever you 
                         can. We'll meet back here in fifteen 
                         minutes. Hurry!

               The people scatter.

                                     CHEF
                         We're not gonna let our thanksgiving 
                         be ruined by a bunch of turkeys!

               EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

               Cartman now looks beaten, tired and hungry as he roams the 
               African landscape.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys... Seriously... I'm HUNGRY!!! 
                         I HAVE TO EAT!!!

               Just then Cartman notices a group of Americans. Several red 
               cross members with a box.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh sweet, the Red Cross. I'll have 
                         fried chicken and a side of mashed 
                         potatoes please.

                                     RED CROSS MEMBER
                         Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We 
                         ran out of funding.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What!!!!

                                     RED CROSS MEMBER
                         We just couldn't get enough sponsors 
                         back home. So now we've got to pack 
                         it up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But I'm not a starvin' ethernopian. 
                         I have to get back home too.

                                     RED CROSS MEMBER
                         Sorry dude, we just don't have any 
                         funds. Here have a Taiko sports watch.

                                     CARTMAN
                         WEAKKKKK!!!!!!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS

               The residents of South Park are armed and ready for battle 
               atop a hill. It's like a scene out of braveheart.

               They are armed with guns, knifes, baseball bats and pieces 
               of wood.

                                     MAYOR
                         People... We all have to do our part 
                         against the evil turkeys...

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         There's too many of them.

               The townspeople moan.

                                     MAYOR
                         Come on, where is that Thanksgiving 
                         spirit?

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         We can't stop them.

               They moan again. But then:

               Chef rides in on a horse. His face is painted half blue, 
               half white.

                                     CHEF
                         Today you fight for your city! You 
                         fight for your honor! These turkeys 
                         will continue to push until they 
                         have taken everything from us!!

               The townspeople listen on, enthralled.

                                     CHEF
                         These fudged up turkeys from the 
                         crustaceous era can take our lives, 
                         but they can never take our FREEDOM!!!

               The townspeople all cheer.

               EXT. THE OTHER HILL

               On the other side, the turkeys are rallying too.

               They are gathered in a mass, ready for battle. One turkey 
               stands in front of them, it's face is painted half blue, 
               half white, it appears to be giving a speech.

                                     TURKEY LEADER
                         Gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble 
                         gobble gobble gobble! Gobble gobble!!

               The turkeys watch on, enthralled.

                                     TURKEY LEADER
                         Gobble gobble! Gobble, Gobble gobble 
                         gobble gobble gobble gobble!!! gobble 
                         gobble GOBBLE!!!

               The turkeys all cheer/gobble.

               They turn and face the townspeople.

               The townspeople face the turkeys.

               KYLE MOONS THE TURKEYS

                                     KYLE
                         Here you go turkeys!

               The turkey leader gives a war gobble! The turkeys all follow.

               THE TWO MASSES CHARGE EACH OTHER!!!!

                                     MAYOR
                              (To Assistant)
                         Does my hair look okay?

               EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

                                     CARTMAN
                         Can't... go on... need appetizer...
                              (Shouting to the sky)
                         I'M SORRY GOD, I'M SORRY I MOCKED 
                         POOR PEOPLE!! I'M SORRY I WASN'T 
                         MORE SENSITIVE!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE 
                         GOD!!!!

               Cartman falls down.

               He just lays there looking dead for several seconds.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Quietly)
                         My God has forsaken me...

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

               Finally, he picks his head up and sees a small building.

               Cartman gets up and walks to the building.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, I wonder what's in here?

               Cartman opens the door --

               INT. SMALL BUILDING

               The inside is incredible. STACKS upon STACKS of food!

               Cheesy Poofs, Pot-pie's, Snacky cakes!!

               Cartman's eyes grow huge.

                                     CARTMAN
                         SNACKY CAKES!!!

               There's a big screen television, a beautiful stereo and a 
               decadent furniture set.

               Cartman rounds the corner to find a fat white woman sitting 
               on the couch eating cake, watching T.V., and being fanned by 
               two Ethiopians.

                                     CARTMAN
                         SALLY STRUTHERS?!

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                              (Eating cake)
                         Who the hell are you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Give me that cake!!

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                              (A la Cartman)
                         Nooo, this is MY cake!

                                     CARTMAN
                         NO SALLY STRUHTHERS, GIMME THE CAKE!!

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         Nooo! You can't have any!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?!

               Cartman walks back out the door.

               EXT. SMALL BUILDING

               Cartman bursts out the door and shouts to all the Ethiopians.

                                     CARTMAN
                         YOU GUYS!! SALLY STRUTHERS IS HOLDING 
                         FOOD FROM US!!!

               The Ethiopians all stand up.

               INT. SMALL BUILDING

                                     SALLY STRUTHERS
                         Oh, oh...

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS

               The two masses collide. An incredible battle ensues.

               Blood and gobbling everywhere. Graphic shots of turkeys 
               getting pummelled with baseball bats and South Parkers being 
               smothered.

               The children, armed, are standing close to Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Stay close, children!

               Chef guards the children, killing a few attacking turkeys.

               The children cheer Chef.

               But just then, several turkeys jump on Kenny! Kenny flails 
               around, but the turkeys hold tight.

               More Turkeys jump on Kenny as he jumps around and tries to 
               get away. But the turkeys overpower him.

               Kenny falls to the ground where turkeys pluck out his 
               eyeballs.

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!!!

                                     JIMBO
                         The last three are getting away. 
                         Shoot 'em Ned!

               Ned fires on the remaining turkeys.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         We did it!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS

               Finally, the battle slows as the last of the turkeys is 
               destroyed.

               The townspeople all cheer.

                                     MEPHESTO
                              (standing over the 
                              turkey carcasses)
                         My God, what have we done?

                                     CHEF
                         We've saved Thanksgiving!

                                     MEPHESTO
                         But all those poor turkeys... They're 
                         all dead!

                                     CHEF
                         Every turkey dies. Not every turkey 
                         truly lives.

                                     MEPHESTO
                         As horrible as they were, they felt 
                         like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't 
                         be toying with God's creations... 
                         Perhaps I should just --

                                     CHEF
                              (We've all heard this 
                              before)
                         Yeah, yeah, yeah......

               The two agents step through the carnage and approach the 
               kids and Chef. Marvin is not visible.

                                     AGENT 1
                         Excuse me, sir. We're looking for a 
                         little starving Ethiopian boy who 
                         was accidentally delivered to South 
                         Park instead of Taiko sports watch.

                                     AGENT 2
                         Have you seen anyone fitting this 
                         description?

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh, that could be a hundred kids in 
                         this town, Mister.

               But suddenly, Marvin walks up and tugs on the agents pantleg.

                                     AGENT 1
                         There you are!

                                     AGENT 2
                         Are you ready to go home now?

               Marvin looks at Mr. Garrison, Chef, Barbrady... And then 
               nods his head quickly.

               The agents take Marvin's hand and lead him past the Turkey 
               carnage.

                                     STAN
                         Wow... It sucks he has to leave.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, I like him a lot more than 
                         Cartman.

                                     STAN
                         You know, I think I've learned 
                         something today. It's really easy 
                         not to think of images on TV as real 
                         people, but they are. That's why 
                         it's easy to ignore those commercials. 
                         But people on TV are just as real as 
                         you or I.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah...
                              (Thinking)
                         And that means that McGyver is a 
                         real person too.

               EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

               Three red cross members are escorting Cartman through the 
               village. Cartman is eating a pot-pie as he walks.

                                     RED CROSS MEMBER
                         We're terribly sorry about the mix-
                         up little boy. We'll get you back 
                         home immediately.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right you will, God dammit!

               They walk past the food line.

               Cartman breaks into the line.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Move it, Povs! I'm an AMERICAN!!

               EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

               A large plane lands in the midst of the desolate village.

               Little Marvin steps off and is immediately surrounded by his 
               friends and family.

                                     ETHIOPIAN
                         Ababa!! Dlook dlook baba raka!

                                     STARVIN' MARVIN
                         Baba dlook ri nama bam!

               As more people gather around, Starvin Marvin gestures to the 
               plane. Everyone looks on as hundreds of dead Turkeys are 
               dropped from cargo hold.

               Everyone rejoices and cheers.

               Several Ethiopians start grabbing the turkeys as others hoist 
               Marvin up on their shoulders and victoriously march him into 
               the town --

               -- passing, on the way, Sally Struthers is bound and gagged 
               and tied to a pole.

               EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE

               It is indeed a POV house; small and cheap.

               INT. KENNY'S HOUSE

               Kenny's family (mother, father, sister, brother) are gathered 
               around a humble table. The dishes are set, and in the middle 
               of the table, on a little serving tray, is the can of green 
               beans.

               The family joins hands in prayer.

                                     KENNY'S FATHER
                              (Sarcastically)
                         Lord, on this day of thanks we would 
                         like to extend our DEEPEST gratitude 
                         for this INCREDIBLE BOUNTY of green 
                         beans you have bestowed upon us. And 
                         though you for some reason found it 
                         necessary to take our son from us, 
                         and though you for some reason find 
                         pleasure in watching us suffer... 
                         Still, we give thanks... Amen.

                                     FAMILY
                         Amen.

               The family sits there for a long time.

                                     KENNY'S MOTHER
                         ...Does anybody have a can opener?

               Silence.

                                     KENNY'S FATHER
                         God dammit.

                                         THE END

Starvin Marvin



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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