Nancy Pimental & Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary. Class is in session]
Okay, children, I know that today is
the last day of school, and that the
last day of school involves pranks,
but this is going too far! What have
you done with Mr. Hat?! Children, I
want Mr. Hat right now! The prank is
over! You think I can't get along without
Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't
live without him. Well, I can! He's
just a puppet. I don't need him. You
see? Watch. GOD DAMMIT, WHERE THE FUCK
DID YOU PUT MR. HAT?!
Oh, no, you don't! The school year
is over, but summer vacation doesn't
start for you little bastards, until
Mr. Hat is back on my desk!
Now, I'm goin' to turn around, and when
I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat
lying right here! Okay. Now I'm gonna
turn around now. Shit!
Where did everybody go?
[Outside. The kids bolt through the school's front door]
[the snow melts away, and a mound of it reveals a boy whose missing
person's poster was in the back of the class. He gets up, and
his parents rush up to meet him]
Oh golly, Kevin honey.
Good to see ya again, son.
[the boys don't take the bus home today. They walk past a house
where a man stretches in the warm breeze]
Man at doorway Looks like winter is right around the corner.
Better get some firewood ready. [uses a chainsaw on the tree
in front of the house. Trees all over the area are coming down]
[A park, and kids are at play already. The boys walk through
it. Fosse chases a ball. Jordan and the soiled kid stand next
to each other, but a ball hits the soiled kid and knocks him
down. Pip is farther away.]
Oh! Have a good summer, gentlemen!
Shut up, Pip!
Right-o. Uh. Enjoy some of this summer
for me, would you?
What do ya mean?
Welluh I have to spend my summer in
summer school. Because I can't be left
alone. You see, my parents are dead.
Your parents are dead? God-damn you
[they stop and read the sign]
Oh yeah, dude. It's summer. That means
we have to go buy fireworks.
I saved up enough money to buy M-80's
I saw in this movie once, where this
guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's
Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's
ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut
sack, and blow your balls out all over
Well, I'm just checking, man. Don't
mock my kitty, man.
STU'S FIREWORK SHACK
What can I do for you?
We wanna buy M-80's.
The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's
Okay, that's it! Screw you guys, I'm
What a baby.
So we'll have ten M-80's, please.
I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?
All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
What do ya mean?
It was in the paper this morning
Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North
Park kid blew his hands off, we don't
get to buy our M-80's?
How can they do this to us? Doesn't
anyone believe in tradition anymore?
Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers
our whole lives.
[Kyle remembers their days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway
holding lit firecrackers. Kyle tosses one up in the air and it
pops. Kenny holds on to his, to his peril. It pops, and Kenny's
head flies off his torso. The rest of the body falls over]
Oh my gosh ih killed Kenny!
A summer without fireworks is like…
I don't know, but it's like-uh, ih,
it sucks ass.
Yeah-uh now what are we supposd to do?
I can still sell snakes.
[City Hall. The Mayor is in]
This is absurd. We need fireworks for
our Fourth of July celebration at the
lake. I don't care that some twerp
blew his hands off! We've got to have
fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've
got another call. Hello? No, I don't
know where Mr. Hat is. Jesus, Garrison,
I've got bigger problems! Hello, yes?
Now what am I supposed to do about our
Fourth of July show at the lake? NO,
I don't want snakes! This is an outrage!
Get me the Mayor! I know that, smartass,
I was being ironic!
Oh I'm sorry Mayor, but I couldn't
find the little man in the boat.
Well, keep looking!
This is ridiculous. We can't have a
celebration without fireworks. Whoever
heard of a Fourth of July picnic with
Oh I like snakes. You light 'em and
they grow and grow.
Wait a minute, that's it! I've got it.
This year, South Park will make history
by having the largest snake in the world!
The press will love it. I'll be on the
front peh- Oooooogh.
Huh, I found him.
[The bus stop. The boys just can't seem to get into summer wear]
Man, it's hot out here.
What do you guys want to do? We've got
the whole summer to play.
Dude, what are we supposed to do? We
always just play with fireworks.
I know, let's go sledding!
[The top of a hill. The boys have brought their sled, and Cartman
is left to go on]
Come on, Cartman. Get on.
Come on, dude, we're ready.
The hell are you waiting for?
Huh. Don't you notice anything wrong
with this picture?
Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled.
Ahem. What ever.
What the hell's goin' on?
Hey there, boys!
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
How come you're not blowin' things up?
Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks
'cause a little boy blew off his hands.
Yeah, they're not even having 'em at
the lake this year.
Oh my God! Well, don't worry boys.
Uncle Jimbo is on the case. Buckle
your seat belt, Ned.
Mmmm-where are we going?
Mejico, my amigo.
Mmmm-why are we going to Mejico?
Buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid
blew off his hands doesn't mean the
rest of us have to suffer now, does
Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Hell, everything's legal in Mejico.
It's the American way.
[The Mayor's office. Her aides are there now.]
At the Dyno Might Firework Company,
we have a commitment to excellence.
Our focus is on safety while th-
Just cut to the chase and tell us about
Uh oh-kay. Let's see. Weh-. Now the
disk that we are making is approximately
5000 times bigger than the average snake.
We have to fly it in with three Comanche
helicopters and lower it onto the ground
at the lake.
Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all
set up around the perimeter of the disk,
that are all triggered to fire at the
…flamethrowers…triggered at the same
Once lit, the snake will- grow. And
good times will be had by all.
Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake
will not only go on, but perhaps be
the best ever. Wait a minute! We're
gonna need an orchestra to play the
Stars and Stripes!
Hey! How about the elementary school
orchestra? They had a great version
of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last
Yyes! Get the school principal on the
phone! And we need somebody to dress
up like Uncle Remus!
Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?
Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!
[On the side of a road. The boys are building a snowman, but
out of mud. A mudman]
Dusty, the dirtball
Why does everything have to suck so
bad in summer?
Hehey, look. It's Mr. Garrison
Hhello, children. Hhhow is your summer
Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
Hey! Have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Oohh oh, that old thing? Whah, I almost
forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr.
Mr. Hat is just a puppet
Mr. Hat isn't real.
Hey you guys. My mom signed me up for
swimming lessons at the community pool;
you wanna come?
Swimming lessons, dude? That is the
lamest thing I've ever heard!
Everyone knows that the first graders
pee in the community pool.
Hyeah, Cartman. You're swimming around
in first-grader pee!
Dah-I'm not swimming around in pee!
My mom says if I take swimming lessons,
I could be in the Olympics some day.
Heyeah, the Fatass Olympics.
I am trying to make the best out of
a bad situation! I don't need to hear
crap, from a bunch of hippie freaks
living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm
But Cartman, we're tryin' to-
Hup- Screw you guys. Home.
What does he mean, living in denial?
Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being
a dumbass like always.
There. How does that look?
Like a- big hunk o' dirt with a carrot
sticking out of it.
[The community pool. Kids are swimming and diving, and a lifeguard
looks over the scene]
Eh eh eh eh.
Okay kids! Everyone in the pool! Come
on, Eric. We're gonna start now.
Just jump in.
I don't wanna.
It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do
Egh. Deh. Dugh ugh egh.
There you go. Now, just let the first
graders swim by you and then swim towards
Huh? First graders? Aawwww, weak, weak.
Aaww yeyou sons of bitches!
[South Park, Stark's Pond. Bleachers are being set up for the
Fourth of July picninc, and a chili and donut stand goes up]
[The Mayor and her aides are supervising]
Where the hell is our firework! We only
have 24 hours.
I'm sure it'll be here any second.
Okay, children. I'm sure we're a little
rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?
He's taking swimming lessons.
Huhoh dear. How are we supposed to sound
good without our French horn section?
Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale
first. And… Hoh? Okay, that was pretty
good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No.
Mayor Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celeebration is going
to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shitheads
playing- [she sees something] Wait a minute. It's the snake!
[the snake appears over the mountain transported by the three
Comanche helicopters. Everyone stops to watch]
Let's move along, people. If you've
seen one giant snake-thingy firework,
you've seen them all.
Call everybody! The show's back on!
Come on! We've only got one day to prepare!
[Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by a store that sells cohetes. They
stop and walk back to it]
Buenos dias, mi amigo. Yo soy un Americano
Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr!
¿Necesita usted un cohete grande?
Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr.
Would you look at that, Ned! That's
a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies
have enough power to blast a firehole
right through the ozone!
Mmmm. They're spectacularrrr.
Ned. It's our job to get these to children
all over America for the Fourth of July.
We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas
[A house. Mr. Garrison is in his armchair next to a phone looking
at TV. A picture of Mr. Hat is in one of his bookshelves. Riinngggg]
Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
Is this some kind of joke?!
Huh, huh, yes.
You go to hell! You go to hell and you
die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
Ughuh, I don't think you can, mkay?
So, Lamb Chop. What would you like to
Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
Hey, let's sing one to-gether!
Lamb Chop As long as we're together, we can do anything.
We can take on the whole darned world.
We're happy as clams, we've got plenty of pearls.
Through thick and thin, we've always been together…
[Garrison gets gets madder and madder as the song prgresses,
until he imagines himself going to her studio]
Whoa-aaahh! Aaaahh! Aaah! No! Lamb
Shari! Help mee! It burns! It burns!
[Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having dreamed
out his anger]
[The community pool. The swimming instructor has five swimmers
in front of her at the deep end, and Eric stands alone at the
Eric, you have to get in the deep end
sooner or later.
Just do your side stroke.
I only know how to do it doggie style.
That's doggie paddle, Eric! Now, come
Can I do it doggie style?
Okay. That's it! That's it, you can
Sweet! Aaww, dammit! Aw, not again!
Come on, Eric!
No way! Sons of bitches, I'm going home!
[News 4 brief]
Fourth of July is finally here, and
with the statewide ban on fireworks,
people from all over Colorado are flocking
to South Park. Here with a special report
is a normal-looking guy with a funny
Thanks, Tom, it looks like the firework
ban won't be putting a damper on one
town's festivities tonight. I'm here
at Stark's Pond in South Park, where
the crowd of residents and scores of
tourists anxiously await the lighting
of the largest snake in human history.
Now, as most of you will probably remember,
snakes are these little round disks
that you light, and they spew out a
little snake of black ash. Well, the
South Park snake is over half a mile
in diameter, and twenty stories high.
I'm told that this event won't begin
until the sun goes down and night is
upon us. Well alrighty then, looks
like we're ready.
[Orchestra stage. Everyone is present and ready to play]
How are your swimming lessons going,
I heard you won't even get in the deep
Well, you heard wrong, hippie!
[A wide view of Stark's Pond and everyone in the area around
it. Then, the mayor is on the main stage with her aides about
to address the crowd]
Ladies and Gentlemen, good citizens
of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be
the first person to wish you all a Happy
Fourth of July! Let's start with our
school band playing the Stars and Stripes!
This is it. And a-one and a-two and
PEOPLE IN THE CROWD
What the fuck is that?!
I think it's the Stars and Stripes.
Oh, hell! Light the smake!
[Mexico, near the border at night. Jimbo and Ned drive by an
Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to
the Amrican border. They can't know
that we have fireworks in the trunk.
Just let me do the talking. Ha ha ha
ha, I guess that goes without saying,
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
[Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border agents attend to them]
Good evening, gentlemen.
Hello there, fellow American. We're
just anxious to get back to our homeland.
Oh alright, I just need to ask you a
Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
Is anyone other than the two of you
traveling in this vehicle?
Do you have any firearms or explosives
in the car?
Yeah. I mean, no! No.
Open your trunk, please, sir.
Damn! Damn, I always get that question
[Stark's pond. The crowds are still cheering and the band is
still playing, and the snake is still growing. Cartman looks
intently at his sheet music]
My God, it's beautiful. It never fails
to amaze me how I manage to overcome
adversity. Say uh, Charlie, when does
that thing die out?
Yes. You know, expire, end. Hello,
I'm asking you when it stops!
Uuuh, Aha'm not sure, uh. I never made
one this big. I guess we didn't quite
think this through, did we?
Dude. That thing is huge.
Yeah, they need to shut it off.
Hey, you guys are screwin' up the song!
[the crowd is now alarmed as well as awed. Grumbles are heard]
Somebody stop it!
It's out of control!
[Everyone leaves in a hurry. A piece of the ashen snake breaks
off and the main pillar lies down and starts moving through the
[The snake heads for the orchestra stage and all the students
jump off, except…]
Kenny, watch out!
(Damn!) (Oof! Hey you guys, I really,
really don't have time to tell you that-aargh…)
Stan Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Oh my God! You tell me how much longer
this thing is gonna last!!
Huh nowuh, let's see. At normal speed,
snake lasts three minutes, this is in
con- athuthuthuthuthu a normal snake-
So when does it run out?!
November. Of next year.
[The rest of the crowd rushes off in all directions. Kyle picks
up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan returns and looks
at him, then takes up his own violin. Then come Cartman, Bill,
Fosse, and the black kid to take up their instruments. This time,
they sound pretty good]
[July 5, 6 A.M., Stark's Pond. News 4 coverage resumes]
Well, we're coming up on nine hours,
and the giant snake of South Park shows
no signs of stopping. Residents have
tried everything from firehoses to yelling
at it to make the snake stop. But nothing
seems to work.
Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising
all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe
the ashen air, and not ever light any
giant snakes in the near future.
[The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down South
Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path]
Man, this sucks!
What should we do, dude? The big snake
keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the
whole state soon.
Well we should do what we always do:
Where is Chef?
[An island in the Caribbean]
[slowly] Baby you know you're the girrrl, for meeee
And aallll that I want to bee-ee-ee-ee is
[faster, with a beat] You. And me. And her. Simultaneous
You. And me. And you, and you! Simultaneous
Lovin', baby. Two or three, heheh. Simultaneous
Ooo, that's right!
[rrring. He answers] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children! It's a
what? A giant snake?! Killing everybody?! Growing bigger?! Children,
you know I rarely say this, but, wellll… fudge ya. [hangs up
and resumes singing]
You. And me. And you, and you! Simultaneous
Lovin', baby. Two or three, heheh.
[South Park. The smoke is heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the
What did he say?
Dude, I think he told us to go fuck
How's that gonna help?
SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK
All over America, the effects of the
giant ash snake of South Park can be
[Utah. Mormons are gathered at a river to welcome new members
into the Church. Baptism, you know]
Yea, let the Spirit of Heavenly Father
be blessed upon you.
From this day on, all will be well.
I already feel like things are getting
[New York. Mr. Garrison's voice can be heard over some music]
… and I can't sleep or think uh. Where
would he have gone? Why would he leave?
Well um, let me ask you this: why-?
Where, where do you think… Mr. Hat…
How the fuck should I know?! If I knew
that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin'
psychiatrist, would I?!
Well… I guess, I I see what you're saying,
At first, I was sure 'at one of the
children took it. But then I remembered
that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight
Um. Ahem. Are you gay?
It's it'suh it's just ag, it's just
Are you propositioning me?!
Well, I can tell you that I am 100%
Well I, I believe you, uh Ibe- absolutely
Mr. Hat, on the other hand…
Mr. Hat was gay?
Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex
Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he
was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and
a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
That I did not need to know.
Well, I'm just sayin…
Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was
actually your gay side trying to come
out. You see, it's it's you that's gay,
but, but you're in denial. So, you act
out your gay persona, with a homosexual
puppet. What do you think about that?
I think you're the looney one in this
Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo!
[Texas prison, high security. Jimbo and Ned share a cell]
Well Ned, looks like we missed Fourth
of July again.
Dammit. Those poor kids must've been
so disappointed to have nothin' but
them stupid wussy snakes to light.
Mmm, well better luck next year ghm.
Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try
Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of
you riding in this vehicle?
Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives
in the car.
Yes? Dammit, I got it wrong again!
What's the answer again? Holy smokes!
What the hell is that?!
Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!
Quick, Ned. This is our chance! The
Hummer is outside!
[Green Bay, Wisconsin]
[A sauna. Brett Favre, wearing No. 4, enters it and removes his
shirt, but keeps the towel on. Mr. Hat is already seated on the
Hi, I haven't seen you in here before.
[South Park City Hall. The coverage continues]
As more and more cities are affected
by the growing ash and the death toll
rises to 3000, people from all over
the country are looking to the Mayor
of South Park for answers. Heh- And
it appears as if the Mayor is going
to explain matters now.
Uh, ladies and gentlmen, the Mayor regrets
that she cannot be here herself, but
she is… sick
Sick?! What kind of lame excuse is that?!
You gotta be kidding me!
Ooh, this is rediculous!
Come on! We want answers!
Come on! Come on. Aaww. Come on.
Op peh sh she's having her period.
We do, however, have an official statement
for all the concerened cities about
thee matter with thee giant snake that
we can't seem to put out.
We're sorry. Our bad.
Thank you, that is all.
[The community pool]
Due to Hazardous
[Cartman is swimming all alone in the pool]
Okay. No first graders around. I can
swim to the deep end. Yeh. I can do
it. I can do it. I can do, I'm gonna
[From the space shuttle, the snakes can be seen growing longer
and longer across the face of the nation]
[Stark's Pond. The disk is still producing the snake. Stan and
Kyle sit under a tree with nothing to do, and next to them a
man rests on a billboard with this message on it]
How many days left in summer?
A lot, I think.
Dammit, I just want it to snow again!
I don't think it matters, dude. This
giant snake is gonna kill everytone
Buenos gracias, boys.
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
Aw, hell, why the long faces?
There's nothin' to do.
Weelll, I don't think those are problems
that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't
Careful with those, now. Those are dangerous.
Point them away from your eyes now.
Wow. These are huge!
Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much
happiness a little firepower can bring
to a child.
[The rockets are launched and they head for the snake. Upon impact,
the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash
now rains down upon everyone]
Hey, look! We blew up the snake!
All the ash from the snake is putting
the flame out.
Hwell, how do you like that? The bottle
rockets saved the Fourth of July!
[The community pool. Cartman has almost reached his goal]
I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it
to the deep end. I did it! I did it!
I made it to the deep end! Hooray for
The snake's been destroyed. The pool's
Yay, yippee, yippee
OH MY GOD, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! AW,
SONS OF BITCHES!
Look, they put out the snake! Yoohoo!
A yeh-a yes. Apparently, my plan too-
blow up the snake wworked perfectly.
Hey, look! It's snowing!
Well, it's snowing black ash, but what
[Clyde, Jordan, the redhead, and the black kid cheer and dance
around in the ash. The camera starts to pan around. The mountains
are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an ash man, and
Pip is singing with his family once again. His parents are not
dead. Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift]
Wow, it's a black blizzard!
Mr. Garrison! Where's Mr. Hat?
Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a
two-timin' whore. From now on, children,
you're all gonna be learning from Mr.
That's right, children. I'll see you
in the fall.
Well, I can hardly wait.
[All is quiet now. Chef drives up and steps out]
Hey, children, everybody! I'm back!
I'm back from Aruba! What the-?
How's it going?
[Chef look around. A couple is clearing out ash from the main
Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?
Okay! Eeeeeehverybody get into line,
so I can whup all your asses!
[End of Summer Sucks. "Simultaneous Lovin' " plays]