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ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 208

                                      "SUMMER SUCKS"

                                        Written by

                               Nancy Pimental & Trey Parker



               [South Park Elementary. Class is in session]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, I know that today is 
                         the last day of school, and that the 
                         last day of school involves pranks, 
                         but this is going too far! What have 
                         you done with Mr. Hat?!  Children, I 
                         want Mr. Hat right now!  The prank is 
                         over!  You think I can't get along without 
                         Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't 
                         live without him. Well, I can! He's 
                         just a puppet. I don't need him. You 
                         see? Watch.  GOD DAMMIT, WHERE THE FUCK 
                         DID YOU PUT MR. HAT?! 
 
                                     KIDS
                          YEH-

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh, no, you don't! The school year 
                         is over, but summer vacation doesn't 
                         start for you little bastards, until 
                         Mr. Hat is back on my desk!
 
                                     KIDS
                         AAWWWW!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, I'm goin' to turn around, and when 
                         I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat 
                         lying right here!  Okay. Now I'm gonna 
                         turn around now.  Shit!
 
                                     PIP
                         Where did everybody go?

               [Outside. The kids bolt through the school's front door]

                                     KIDS
                         Yea! Hooray!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's summer!

               [the snow melts away, and a mound of it reveals a boy whose missing 
               person's poster was in the back of the class. He gets up, and 
               his parents rush up to meet him]
 
                                     MOM
                         Oh golly, Kevin honey.

                                     DAD
                         Good to see ya again, son.

               [the boys don't take the bus home today. They walk past a house 
               where a man stretches in the warm breeze]
 
               Man at doorway	Looks like winter is right around the corner. 
               Better get some firewood ready. [uses a chainsaw on the tree 
               in front of the house. Trees all over the area are coming down]
 
               
               [A park, and kids are at play already. The boys walk through 
               it. Fosse chases a ball. Jordan and the soiled kid stand next 
               to each other, but a ball hits the soiled kid and knocks him 
               down. Pip is farther away.]
 
                                     PIP
                          Oh! Have a good summer, gentlemen! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Pip!

                                     PIP
                         Right-o. Uh. Enjoy some of this summer 
                         for me, would you?
 
                                     KYLE
                         What do ya mean?

                                     PIP
                         Welluh I have to spend my summer in 
                         summer school. Because I can't be left 
                         alone. You see, my parents are dead.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Your parents are dead? God-damn you 
                         suck, Pip! 
 
               Stu's Fireworks

               [they stop and read the sign]

                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah, dude. It's summer. That means 
                         we have to go buy fireworks.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I saved up enough money to buy M-80's 
                         this year.
 
                                     STAN
                         I saw in this movie once, where this 
                         guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's 
                         cat.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's 
                         ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut 
                         sack, and blow your balls out all over 
                         your panties!
 
                                     STAN
                         Jesus, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, I'm just checking, man. Don't 
                         mock my kitty, man. 
 
               STU'S FIREWORK SHACK

                                     STU
                         Hi, fellas.

                                     BOYS
                         Hi, Stu.

                                     STU
                         What can I do for you?

                                     KYLE
                         We wanna buy M-80's.

                                     STAN
                         The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's 
                         ass.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, that's it!  Screw you guys, I'm 
                         going home. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What a baby.

                                     STAN
                         So we'll have ten M-80's, please.

                                     STU
                         I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Heard what?

                                     STU
                         All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What do ya mean?

                                     STU
                         It was in the paper this morning

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North 
                         Park kid blew his hands off, we don't 
                         get to buy our M-80's?
 
                                     STU
                         Right.

                                     STAN
                         How can they do this to us? Doesn't 
                         anyone believe in tradition anymore?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers 
                         our whole lives.
 
               [Kyle remembers their days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway 
               holding lit firecrackers. Kyle tosses one up in the air and it 
               pops. Kenny holds on to his, to his peril. It pops, and Kenny's 
               head flies off his torso. The rest of the body falls over]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Oh my gosh ih killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         Oo bastards! 

                                     STAN
                         A summer without fireworks is like… 
                         I don't know, but it's like-uh, ih, 
                         it sucks ass.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah-uh now what are we supposd to do?
 
                         
                                     STU
                          I can still sell snakes. 

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hwaah.

                                     KENNY
                         (Never mind)

               [City Hall. The Mayor is in]

                                     THE MAYOR
                          This is absurd. We need fireworks for 
                         our Fourth of July celebration at the 
                         lake.  I don't care that some twerp 
                         blew his hands off! We've got to have 
                         fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've 
                         got another call.  Hello? No, I don't 
                         know where Mr. Hat is. Jesus, Garrison, 
                         I've got bigger problems!  Hello, yes? 
                         Now what am I supposed to do about our 
                         Fourth of July show at the lake? NO, 
                         I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! 
                         Get me the Mayor! I know that, smartass, 
                         I was being ironic! 
 
                                     BARBRADY
                          Oh I'm sorry Mayor, but I couldn't 
                         find the little man in the boat.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Well, keep looking! 

                                     BARBRADY
                         Oh?

                                     THE MAYOR
                         This is ridiculous. We can't have a 
                         celebration without fireworks. Whoever 
                         heard of a Fourth of July picnic with 
                         snakes?
 
                                     BARBRADY
                          Oh I like snakes. You light 'em and 
                         they grow and grow.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Wait a minute, that's it! I've got it. 
                         This year, South Park will make history 
                         by having the largest snake in the world! 
                         The press will love it. I'll be on the 
                         front peh-  Oooooogh.
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Huh, I found him.

               [The bus stop. The boys just can't seem to get into summer wear]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Man, it's hot out here.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What do you guys want to do? We've got 
                         the whole summer to play.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what are we supposed to do? We 
                         always just play with fireworks.
 
                                     STAN
                         I know, let's go sledding!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah!

               [The top of a hill. The boys have brought their sled, and Cartman 
               is left to go on]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Cartman. Get on.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan?

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, dude, we're ready.

                                     STAN
                         The hell are you waiting for?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh. Don't you notice anything wrong 
                         with this picture?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ahem. What ever. 

                                     STAN
                         What the hell's goin' on?

                                     JIMBO
                          Hey there, boys!

                                     STAN
                         Hi, Uncle Jimbo.

                                     JIMBO
                         How come you're not blowin' things up? 
                         It's summer.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 
                         'cause a little boy blew off his hands.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         What?!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, they're not even having 'em at 
                         the lake this year.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Oh my God!  Well, don't worry boys. 
                         Uncle Jimbo is on the case.  Buckle 
                         your seat belt, Ned.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmmm-where are we going?

                                     JIMBO
                         Mejico, my amigo.

                                     NED
                         Mmmm-why are we going to Mejico?

                                     JIMBO
                         Buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid 
                         blew off his hands doesn't mean the 
                         rest of us have to suffer now, does 
                         it?
 
                                     NED
                         Are fireworks legal in Mexico?

                                     JIMBO
                         Hell, everything's legal in Mejico. 
                         It's the American way. 
 
               [The Mayor's office. Her aides are there now.]

                                     CHARLIE
                         At the Dyno Might Firework Company, 
                         we have a commitment to excellence. 
                          Our focus is on safety while th-
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Just cut to the chase and tell us about 
                         the snake!
 
                                     CHARLIE
                         Uh oh-kay.  Let's see.  Weh-. Now the 
                         disk that we are making is approximately 
                         5000 times bigger than the average snake.
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Ooooo!

                                     CHARLIE
                         We have to fly it in with three Comanche 
                         helicopters and lower it onto the ground 
                         at the lake.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                          …Comanche helicopters…

                                     CHARLIE
                          Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all 
                         set up around the perimeter of the disk, 
                         that are all triggered to fire at the 
                         same time.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         …flamethrowers…triggered at the same 
                         time…
 
                                     CHARLIE
                          Once lit, the snake will- grow.  And 
                         good times will be had by all. 
 
                                     AIDE 1
                         Wonderful.

                                     AIDE 2
                         Spectacular.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake 
                         will not only go on, but perhaps be 
                         the best ever. Wait a minute! We're 
                         gonna need an orchestra to play the 
                         Stars and Stripes!
 
                                     AIDE 1
                         Hey! How about the elementary school 
                         orchestra? They had a great version 
                         of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last 
                         concert.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Yyes! Get the school principal on the 
                         phone! And we need somebody to dress 
                         up like Uncle Remus!
 
                                     AIDE 2
                         Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!
 
                         
               [On the side of a road. The boys are building a snowman, but 
               out of mud. A mudman]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dusty, the dirtball

                                     STAN
                         Why does everything have to suck so 
                         bad in summer?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hehey, look. It's Mr. Garrison 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hhello, children. Hhhow is your summer 
                         goinnngg?
 
                                     STAN
                         Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Have you found Mr. Hat yet?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oohh oh, that old thing?  Whah, I almost 
                         forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. 
                         Hat.
 
                                     STAN
                         That's good. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Hat is just a puppet

                                     KYLE
                         Yeup. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Hat isn't real.

                                     STAN
                         Right. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys. My mom signed me up for 
                         swimming lessons at the community pool; 
                         you wanna come? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Swimming lessons, dude? That is the 
                         lamest thing I've ever heard!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Is not!

                                     STAN
                         Everyone knows that the first graders 
                         pee in the community pool.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hyeah, Cartman. You're swimming around 
                         in first-grader pee!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dah-I'm not swimming around in pee!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Whatever, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom says if I take swimming lessons, 
                         I could be in the Olympics some day.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Heyeah, the Fatass Olympics. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I am trying to make the best out of 
                         a bad situation! I don't need to hear 
                         crap, from a bunch of hippie freaks 
                         living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm 
                         going home.
 
                                     STAN
                         But Cartman, we're tryin' to-

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hup- Screw you guys. Home. 

                                     STAN
                         What does he mean, living in denial?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being 
                         a dumbass like always.
 
                                     STAN
                          There. How does that look?

                                     KYLE
                         Like a- big hunk o' dirt with a carrot 
                         sticking out of it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Nuh, crap.

               [The community pool. Kids are swimming and diving, and a lifeguard 
               looks over the scene]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Eh eh eh eh. 

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                          Okay kids! Everyone in the pool!  Come 
                         on, Eric. We're gonna start now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nuh uh.

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         Just jump in.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't wanna.

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do 
                         it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Egh.  Deh. Dugh ugh egh.

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         There you go. Now, just let the first 
                         graders swim by you and then swim towards 
                         us.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh? First graders?  Aawwww, weak, weak. 
                         Aaww yeyou sons of bitches!
 
               [South Park, Stark's Pond. Bleachers are being set up for the 
               Fourth of July picninc, and a chili and donut stand goes up]
 
               
               
               [The Mayor and her aides are supervising]

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Where the hell is our firework! We only 
                         have 24 hours.
 
                                     AIDE 2
                         I'm sure it'll be here any second.
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Shut up!

                                     AIDE 2
                         Copy that.

                                     CONDUCTOR
                          Okay, children. I'm sure we're a little 
                         rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?
 
                                     STAN
                         He's taking swimming lessons.

                                     CONDUCTOR
                         Huhoh dear. How are we supposed to sound 
                         good without our French horn section? 
                         Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale 
                         first. And…  Hoh? Okay, that was pretty 
                         good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 
                         5 
 
               Mayor	Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celeebration is going 
               to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shitheads 
               playing- [she sees something] Wait a minute. It's the snake! 
               [the snake appears over the mountain transported by the three 
               Comanche helicopters. Everyone stops to watch]
 
                                     BARBRADY
                          Let's move along, people. If you've 
                         seen one giant snake-thingy firework, 
                         you've seen them all.
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Call everybody! The show's back on! 
                         Come on! We've only got one day to prepare! 
                         
 
               [Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by a store that sells cohetes. They 
               stop and walk back to it]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Buenos dias, mi amigo.  Yo soy un Americano 
                         spectacularrrr. 
 
                                     PROPRIETOR
                         ¿Qué? 

                                     JIMBO
                         Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr! 
                         
 
                                     PROPRIETOR
                         ¿Necesita usted un cohete grande? 
 
                         
                                     NED
                         Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr. 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Would you look at that, Ned! That's 
                         a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies 
                         have enough power to blast a firehole 
                         right through the ozone!
 
                                     NED
                         Mmmm. They're spectacularrrr.

                                     JIMBO
                         Ned. It's our job to get these to children 
                         all over America for the Fourth of July. 
                          We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas 
                         morning.
 
                                     NED
                         Hmmm-bueyno.

               [A house. Mr. Garrison is in his armchair next to a phone looking 
               at TV. A picture of Mr. Hat is in one of his bookshelves. Riinngggg]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hello:

                                     CALLER
                         Hello, is Mr. Hat there?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Is this some kind of joke?!

                                     CALLER
                         Huh, huh, yes.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You go to hell! You go to hell and you 
                         die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
 
                         
                                     CALLER
                         Ughuh, I don't think you can, mkay? 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          God-dammit! 

                                     SHARI
                         So, Lamb Chop. What would you like to 
                         do today?
 
                                     LAMB CHOP
                         Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
 
                         
                                     SHARI
                         Hey, let's sing one to-gether!

               Lamb Chop	As long as we're together, we can do anything.

               We can take on the whole darned world.

               We're happy as clams, we've got plenty of pearls.

               Through thick and thin, we've always been together…

               [Garrison gets gets madder and madder as the song prgresses, 
               until he imagines himself going to her studio]
 
                                     SHARI
                         Whoa-aaahh! Aaaahh! Aaah!  No! Lamb 
                         Chop! No!
 
                                     LAMB CHOP
                          Shari! Help mee! It burns! It burns!
 
                         
               [Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having dreamed 
               out his anger]
 
               [The community pool. The swimming instructor has five swimmers 
               in front of her at the deep end, and Eric stands alone at the 
               shallow end]
 
                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         Eric, you have to get in the deep end 
                         sooner or later.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Later's fine.

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         Just do your side stroke.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I only know how to do it doggie style.
 
                         
                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         That's doggie paddle, Eric! Now, come 
                         over here!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Can I do it doggie style?

                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         Okay.  That's it! That's it, you can 
                         do it!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet!  Aaww, dammit! Aw, not again!
 
                         
                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         Come on, Eric!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No way! Sons of bitches, I'm going home! 
                         
 
               [News 4 brief]

                                     ANCHOR
                         Fourth of July is finally here, and 
                         with the statewide ban on fireworks, 
                         people from all over Colorado are flocking 
                         to South Park. Here with a special report 
                         is a normal-looking guy with a funny 
                         name.
 
                                     CREAMY GOODNESS
                         Thanks, Tom, it looks like the firework 
                         ban won't be putting a damper on one 
                         town's festivities tonight. I'm here 
                         at Stark's Pond in South Park, where 
                         the crowd of residents and scores of 
                         tourists anxiously await the lighting 
                         of the largest snake in human history. 
                          Now, as most of you will probably remember, 
                         snakes are these little round disks 
                         that you light, and they spew out a 
                         little snake of black ash. Well, the 
                         South Park snake is over half a mile 
                         in diameter, and twenty stories high. 
                         I'm told that this event won't begin 
                         until the sun goes down and night is 
                         upon us.  Well alrighty then, looks 
                         like we're ready.
 
               [Orchestra stage. Everyone is present and ready to play]

                                     STAN
                         How are your swimming lessons going, 
                         Cartman?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine.

                                     KYLE
                         I heard you won't even get in the deep 
                         end!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, you heard wrong, hippie!

               [A wide view of Stark's Pond and everyone in the area around 
               it. Then, the mayor is on the main stage with her aides about 
               to address the crowd]
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Ladies and Gentlemen, good citizens 
                         of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be 
                         the first person to wish you all a Happy 
                         Fourth of July! Let's start with our 
                         school band playing the Stars and Stripes!
 
                         
                                     CONDUCTOR
                         This is it. And a-one and a-two and 
                         a- 
 
                                     PEOPLE IN THE CROWD
                          Oooohhh!

                                     THE MAYOR
                         What the fuck is that?!

                                     AIDE 2
                         I think it's the Stars and Stripes.
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                         Oh, hell!  Light the smake! 

                                     THE CROWD
                         Ooooo!  Aaaah! 

               [Mexico, near the border at night. Jimbo and Ned drive by an 
               abandoned truck]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to 
                         the Amrican border. They can't know 
                         that we have fireworks in the trunk. 
                         Just let me do the talking.  Ha ha ha 
                         ha, I guess that goes without saying, 
                         doesn't it? 
 
               [The border]

               WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

               [Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border agents attend to them]

               ALTO|STOP

                                     AGENT
                         Good evening, gentlemen.

                                     JIMBO
                         Hello there, fellow American. We're 
                         just anxious to get back to our homeland.
 
                         
                                     AGENT
                         Oh alright, I just need to ask you a 
                         few questions.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
 
                         
                                     AGENT
                         Is anyone other than the two of you 
                         traveling in this vehicle?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         No, sir.

                                     AGENT
                         Do you have any firearms or explosives 
                         in the car?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah.  I mean, no! No.

                                     AGENT
                          Open your trunk, please, sir. 

                                     JIMBO
                         Damn! Damn, I always get that question 
                         wrong.
 
               [Stark's pond. The crowds are still cheering and the band is 
               still playing, and the snake is still growing. Cartman looks 
               intently at his sheet music]
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         My God, it's beautiful. It never fails 
                         to amaze me how I manage to overcome 
                         adversity.  Say uh, Charlie, when does 
                         that thing die out?
 
                                     CHARLIE
                         Die out?

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Yes. You know, expire, end.  Hello, 
                         I'm asking you when it stops!
 
                                     CHARLIE
                         Uuuh, Aha'm not sure, uh. I never made 
                         one this big. I guess we didn't quite 
                         think this through, did we?
 
                                     THE MAYOR
                         What?! 

                                     KYLE
                          Dude. That thing is huge.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, they need to shut it off.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, you guys are screwin' up the song!
 
                         
               [the crowd is now alarmed as well as awed. Grumbles are heard]
 
               
                                     MAN 1
                         Somebody stop it!

                                     MAN 2
                         It's out of control!

               [Everyone leaves in a hurry. A piece of the ashen snake breaks 
               off and the main pillar lies down and starts moving through the 
               crowd.]
 
                                     A WOMAN
                         Nooo!

               [The snake heads for the orchestra stage and all the students 
               jump off, except…]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny, watch out! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Damn!)  (Oof! Hey you guys, I really, 
                         really don't have time to tell you that-aargh…) 
                         
 
               Stan	Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     THE MAYOR
                          Oh my God!  You tell me how much longer 
                         this thing is gonna last!!
 
                                     CHARLIE
                         Huh nowuh, let's see. At normal speed, 
                         snake lasts three minutes, this is in 
                         con- athuthuthuthuthu a normal snake-
 
                         
                                     THE MAYOR
                         So when does it run out?!

                                     CHARLIE
                         November. Of next year.

                                     THE MAYOR
                         Oh, hell!

               [The rest of the crowd rushes off in all directions. Kyle picks 
               up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan returns and looks 
               at him, then takes up his own violin. Then come Cartman, Bill, 
               Fosse, and the black kid to take up their instruments. This time, 
               they sound pretty good]
 
               [July 5, 6 A.M., Stark's Pond. News 4 coverage resumes]

                                     CREAMY GOODNESS
                         Well, we're coming up on nine hours, 
                         and the giant snake of South Park shows 
                         no signs of stopping. Residents have 
                         tried everything from firehoses to yelling 
                         at it to make the snake stop. But nothing 
                         seems to work.
 
                                     TOM
                         Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising 
                         all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe 
                         the ashen air, and not ever light any 
                         giant snakes in the near future.
 
               [The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down South 
               Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Man, this sucks!

                                     KYLE
                         What should we do, dude? The big snake 
                         keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the 
                         whole state soon.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well we should do what we always do: 
                         ask Chef.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Where is Chef?

               [An island in the Caribbean]

                                     CHEF
                         

               
               [slowly] Baby you know you're the girrrl, for meeee

               And aallll that I want to bee-ee-ee-ee is

               
               [faster, with a beat] You. And me. And her. Simultaneous

               You. And me. And you, and you! Simultaneous

               Lovin', baby. Two or three, heheh. Simultaneous

               Ooo, that's right!

               
               [rrring. He answers] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children! It's a 
               what? A giant snake?! Killing everybody?! Growing bigger?! Children, 
               you know I rarely say this, but, wellll… fudge ya. [hangs up 
               and resumes singing]
 
               
               Simultaneous

               You. And me. And you, and you! Simultaneous

               Lovin', baby. Two or three, heheh.

               [South Park. The smoke is heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the 
               phone]
 
                                     KYLE
                         What did he say?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I think he told us to go fuck 
                         ourselves.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow!

                                     KYLE
                         How's that gonna help?

               
               
               
               NATIONAL

               NEWS 	

               SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK SOUTH PARK

               
                                     ANCHOR
                         All over America, the effects of the 
                         giant ash snake of South Park can be 
                         seen. 
 
               [Utah. Mormons are gathered at a river to welcome new members 
               into the Church. Baptism, you know]
 
                                     PREACHER
                         Yea, let the Spirit of Heavenly Father 
                         be blessed upon you. 
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                         From this day on, all will be well. 
                         
 
                                     NEW MORMON
                         I already feel like things are getting 
                         better. 
 
                                     ALL
                         Aaaaa- 

               [New York. Mr. Garrison's voice can be heard over some music]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         … and I can't sleep or think uh.  Where 
                         would he have gone? Why would he leave?
 
                         
                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         Well um, let me ask you this: why-? 
                         Where, where do you think… Mr. Hat… 
                         went?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         How the fuck should I know?! If I knew 
                         that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin' 
                         psychiatrist, would I?!
 
                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         Well… I guess, I I see what you're saying, 
                         you know.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         At first, I was sure 'at one of the 
                         children took it. But then I remembered 
                         that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight 
                         that morning.
 
                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         Um. Ahem.  Are you gay?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          What?!

                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         It's it'suh it's just ag, it's just 
                         a question.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Are you propositioning me?!

                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         No.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I can tell you that I am 100% 
                         NOT GAY.
 
                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         Well I, I believe you, uh Ibe- absolutely 
                         believe you.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Hat, on the other hand…

                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         Mr. Hat was gay?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex 
                         relations.
 
                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         I see.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he 
                         was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and 
                         a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
 
                         
                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         That I did not need to know.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, I'm just sayin…

                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was 
                         actually your gay side trying to come 
                         out. You see, it's it's you that's gay, 
                         but, but you're in denial. So, you act 
                         out your gay persona, with a homosexual 
                         puppet.  What do you think about that?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I think you're the looney one in this 
                         room. 
 
                                     PSYCHIATRIST
                         AaaaAAaaAaaaAagh 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo!
 
                         
               [Texas prison, high security. Jimbo and Ned share a cell]

                                     JIMBO
                         Well Ned, looks like we missed Fourth 
                         of July again.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm yup.

                                     JIMBO
                         Dammit. Those poor kids must've been 
                         so disappointed to have nothin' but 
                         them stupid wussy snakes to light.
 
                         
                                     NED
                         Mmm, well better luck next year ghm.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try 
                         again.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of 
                         you riding in this vehicle?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         No.

                                     NED
                         Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives 
                         in the car.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Yes?  Dammit, I got it wrong again! 
                         What's the answer again?  Holy smokes! 
                         What the hell is that?!
 
                                     NED
                         Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!

                                     JIMBO
                         Quick, Ned. This is our chance! The 
                         Hummer is outside!
 
               [Green Bay, Wisconsin]

               
               SPORTS SPA

               [A sauna. Brett Favre, wearing No. 4, enters it and removes his 
               shirt, but keeps the towel on. Mr. Hat is already seated on the 
               lower bench]
 
                                     BRETT FAVRE
                         Hi, I haven't seen you in here before. 
                         
 
               [South Park City Hall. The coverage continues]

                                     REPORTER
                         As more and more cities are affected 
                         by the growing ash and the death toll 
                         rises to 3000,  people from all over 
                         the country are looking to the Mayor 
                         of South Park for answers.  Heh- And 
                         it appears as if the Mayor is going 
                         to explain matters now.
 
                                     AIDE 1
                         Uh, ladies and gentlmen, the Mayor regrets 
                         that she cannot be here herself, but 
                         she is… sick
 
                                     REPORTER 2
                         Sick?! What kind of lame excuse is that?!
 
                         
                                     PRINT REPORTER
                         You gotta be kidding me!

                                     REPORTER 3
                         Ooh, this is rediculous!

                                     REPORTER 4
                         Come on! We want answers!

                                     OTHER REPORTERS
                         Come on! Come on. Aaww. Come on.

                                     AIDE 2
                         Op peh sh she's having her period. 
 
                         
                                     REPORTER 4
                          Oh.

                                     AIDE 1
                         We do, however, have an official statement 
                         for all the concerened cities about 
                         thee matter with thee giant snake that 
                         we can't seem to put out.
 
                                     AIDE 2
                          We're sorry. Our bad.

                                     AIDE 1
                         Thank you, that is all. 

               [The community pool]

               POOL CLOSED

               
               Due to Hazardous

               
               SNAKE FIREWORK

               [Cartman is swimming all alone in the pool]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. No first graders around. I can 
                         swim to the deep end.  Yeh. I can do 
                         it. I can do it. I can do, I'm gonna 
                         make it. 
 
               [From the space shuttle, the snakes can be seen growing longer 
               and longer across the face of the nation]
 
               [Stark's Pond. The disk is still producing the snake. Stan and 
               Kyle sit under a tree with nothing to do, and next to them a 
               man rests on a billboard with this message on it]
 
               REPENT

               
               THE END

               IS

               HERE

                                     STAN
                         How many days left in summer?

                                     KYLE
                         A lot, I think.

                                     STAN
                         Dammit, I just want it to snow again!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I don't think it matters, dude. This 
                         giant snake is gonna kill everytone 
                         soon. 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Buenos gracias, boys.

                                     STAN
                         Hi, Uncle Jimbo.

                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, hell, why the long faces?

                                     KYLE
                         We're bored.

                                     STAN
                         There's nothin' to do.

                                     JIMBO
                         Weelll, I don't think those are problems 
                         that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't 
                         solve. 
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hooray! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Careful with those, now. Those are dangerous. 
                          Point them away from your eyes now.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wow. These are huge! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much 
                         happiness a little firepower can bring 
                         to a child.
 
               [The rockets are launched and they head for the snake. Upon impact, 
               the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash 
               now rains down upon everyone]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, look! We blew up the snake! 

                                     CITIZEN
                         All the ash from the snake is putting 
                         the flame out.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hwell, how do you like that? The bottle 
                         rockets saved the Fourth of July!
 
                         
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hooray! 

               [The community pool. Cartman has almost reached his goal]

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it 
                         to the deep end.  I did it! I did it! 
                         I made it to the deep end! Hooray for 
                         me!!
 
                                     INSTRUCTOR
                         The snake's been destroyed. The pool's 
                         open! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh? 

                                     KIDS
                         Yay, yippee, yippee 

                                     CARTMAN
                         OH MY GOD, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! AW, 
                         SONS OF BITCHES! 
 
               [Stark's Pond]

                                     CITIZEN 2
                         Look, they put out the snake! Yoohoo!
 
                         
                                     OTHERS
                         Yay.

                                     THE MAYOR
                          A yeh-a yes. Apparently, my plan too- 
                         blow up the snake wworked perfectly. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, look! It's snowing! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, it's snowing black ash, but what 
                         the hell.
 
               [Clyde, Jordan, the redhead, and the black kid cheer and dance 
               around in the ash. The camera starts to pan around. The mountains 
               are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an ash man, and 
               Pip is singing with his family once again. His parents are not 
               dead. Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift]
 
               
                                     STAN
                          Winter's back! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wow, it's a black blizzard!

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Garrison! Where's Mr. Hat?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a 
                         two-timin' whore. From now on, children, 
                         you're all gonna be learning from Mr. 
                         Twig. 
 
                                     MR. TWIG
                         That's right, children. I'll see you 
                         in the fall.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, I can hardly wait.

               [All is quiet now. Chef drives up and steps out]

                                     CHEF
                         Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! 
                         I'm back from Aruba! What the-? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CARTMAN
                         How's it going?

               [Chef look around. A couple is clearing out ash from the main 
               street]
 
                                     MAN
                         Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Okay! Eeeeeehverybody get into line, 
                         so I can whup all your asses!
 
               [End of Summer Sucks. "Simultaneous Lovin' " plays]
 


Summer sucks



Writers :   Nancy Pimental  Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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