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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 505


                         "TERRANCE & PHILLIP: BEHIND THE BLOW"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Cartman's house, day. Cartman and his friends sit on the sofa 
               watching TV]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          And so, in her career filled with lies, 
                         backstabbing, and whoring herself for 
                         money,  she learned that the price of 
                         fame can be pleasing 65 men at once 
                         in a dark, dirty alley.  And so ends 
                         "Punky Brewster, Behind The Blow."
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, bummer, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Okay, dude, it's 3:30. 

                                     ANNOUNCER 2
                          It's time for the Terrance & Phillip 
                         Show!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Yay!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Excuse me, buddy.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Why, did you fart?  Oh, no! 

                                     STAN
                         Oh man, this is another rerun.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Are you sure? I haven't seen it.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, fatass, this is their famous Mechanic 
                         sketch.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         I'm looking for a mechanic. Can you 
                         tell me how to get to the auto garage?
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         Sure, buddy! All you need to do is go 
                         down to the , and that's how you  get 
                         to the auto garage!
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Can you tell me how to get to the auto 
                         garage without farting?
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Sure. You go the same way  except stick 
                         your finger up your ass.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         No no no! I mean, could you tell me 
                         the directions again without you farting?
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         OOOH! Sure! Just stick your finger up 
                         my ass.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Alright, no problem, buddy.  Now, tell 
                         me: How do I get to the auto garage 
                         to see a mechanic?
 
                                     TERRANCE
                          You're at the auto garage. I am the 
                         mechanic.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Why the heck didn't you tell me you 
                         were the mechanic?
 
                                     STAN
                         Because I had an itch up my ass.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Because I had an itch up my ass. 

               [Cut to next scene, where they are working on toilet plumbing]
 
               
                                     TERRANCE
                         Terrance & Phillip will be right back...
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         ...after these messages. 

               [Cut to Cartman's living room]

                                     STAN
                         When are they gonna make new ones?
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER 3
                          Hey kids, don't miss the greatest event 
                         of the year! This Thursday night at 
                         the Denver Coliseum, see Terrance and 
                         Phillip LIVE! And in person 
 
                                     STAN
                         What's this?

               Announcer 3	[scenes from various episodes appear] One night and 
               one night only, see all your favorite Terrance and Phillip bits 
               live! [Kenny starts babbling incoherently]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God!

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! Hey you guys! You guys!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Enough! I know!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         To order tickets, call TicketSlave NOW!! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Write the number down! Write the number 
                         down!!
 
               [South Park Elementary, day. Class is ready to start, the kids 
               are in their seats. Kyle rushes to his seat]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude! Did you get 'em?

                                     KYLE
                         I got 'em! Four tickets, 68th row, to 
                         Terrance and Phillip! I waited in line 
                         since 3 this morning!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Awesome! Give me mine! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wow, yuh-you guys ore gonna see Terrance 
                         and Phillip Live?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yep. Tomorrow night.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Alright, children, let's settle down. 
                         As you know, this coming Friday is Earth 
                         Day.  and I'm pleased to announce that 
                         the national Earth Day organization 
                         has chosen South Park as its location 
                         for the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival.
 
                         
                                     CLASS
                         Oohh.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing 
                         organization are here to tell you all 
                         about it. 
 
                                     OLDER MAN
                         Hello children, I know you're all very 
                         excited about having the Earth Day Brainwashing 
                         Festival put on in your town.
 
                                     YOUNGER MAN
                          You care very much about the earth, 
                         don't you?
 
                                     CLASS
                         Yes.

                                     OLDER MAN
                         Good, because it's up to all of you 
                         to get lots of people to come.and make 
                         it look great. The festival is on Friday, 
                         so we'll start getting it ready tomorrow 
                         night. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     YOUNGER MAN
                         We've all gotta pitch in

                                     STAN
                         Ah, I'm sorry, but the four of us can't 
                         help tomorrow night.
 
                                     CARTMAN, KYLE, KENNY
                         Yeah.

                                     OLDER MAN
                         You... what??

                                     KYLE
                         Well we got tickets to see Terrance 
                         and Phillip Live in Denver tomorrow 
                         night. We paid forty bucks apiece for 
                         them.
 
                                     OLDER NAN
                         And Terrance and Phillip are more important 
                         than Mother Earth?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well yeah, dude.

                                     OLDER MAN
                          You don't care about Terrance and Phillip. 
                          Nothing matters more than saving the 
                         planet from Republicans.  You don't 
                         need to see Terrance and Phillip.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, dude, we really, really do.

                                     OLDER MAN
                          Their will is strong.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         I'm sorry, boys, but nothing's more 
                         important than Earth Day.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Uhuh, but that's why we're going.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         Sww, w-we're the official presidents 
                         of the Phillip and Terrance Fan Club. 
                         A- and... we're... going to see them 
                         tomorrow 'cause we can get them to perform 
                         at the Earth Day festival.
 
                                     YOUNGER MAN
                         You can get Terrance and Phillip to 
                         perform?  That would be great. Terrance 
                         and Phillip would draw huge ratings 
                         from children all over the country.
 
                         
                                     OLDER MAN
                         Very well, kids, we'll work on getting 
                         the event ready here, and you go get 
                         Terrance and Phillip.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         All right!

                                     OLDER MAN
                          But I warn you: You'd better not promise 
                         things to Earth Day people that you 
                         can't deliver. Earth Day people can 
                         be... eheheh very unforgiving.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Heheh, heh, no problem, heh. No problem!
 
                         
               
               The Comedy of

               Terrance and Phillip

               [Denver Coliseum, the following night. The place is packed and 
               music plays in the background. The boys all sport their Terrance 
               and Phillip shirts, as do some other kids.]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and gentlemen!  Put your hands 
                         together for... Terrance! 
 
                                     TERRANCE
                          Hellooo, Den-ver! 

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, dude, Terrance got really fat.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, he looks terrible.

                                     TERRANCE
                         How are we all feeling tonight? Pretty 
                         good?  Uh oh.  Hey, do you all remember 
                         this one?
 
               "Doctor, doctor. I think I cracked my ass." 

               "Reallih? Let me take a look." 

               "Look closer." [farts, and laughs] 

                                     STAN
                         Uuuuhh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Where the hell is Phillip?! Phil-lip!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN, KYLE
                         Phil-lip!

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip!
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                          And now, for some classic Terrance 
                         and Phillip comedy! 
 
                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         Hello Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hello Phillip.

                                     STAN
                         Phillip? That's not Phillip.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Say, Phillip, I have a question for 
                         you.
 
                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         Ho-okay, shoot. 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what the hell is going on?! Why 
                         did they replace Phillip?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I think this new guy's funny.

                                     TERRANCE
                         And now here's a classic Terrance and 
                         Phillip sketch that I wrote back in 
                         '62. 
 
                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         Excuse me, sir. Do you know Who farted?
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         He sure did.

                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         What's the person's ?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Who.

                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         The guy that farted!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Who!

                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         The person that passed gas!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Who passed gas!

                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         Now, why are you asking me?

                                     TERRANCE
                         That's the man's name?

                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         That's Who's name?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes!

                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         Something very terrible has happened 
                         in the world of Terrance and Phillip, 
                         and we've got to find out what.
 
                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         Look, buddy, all I'm trying to find 
                         out is What's the guy's name that farted?
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         Right, the guy that drank his own urine.
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP STAND-IN
                         Who?

               [Denver Coliseum, later. Stan and friend walk down the corridors 
               backstage, heading to Terrance's dressing room]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, guys, we're getting to the 
                         bottm of this.  'Scuse us.
 
                                     BOUNCER
                         Where do you think you're going?

                                     KYLE
                         We have to talk to Terrance.

                                     BOUNCER
                         Hyeah, right.

                                     STAN
                         It's okay. We're the official presidents 
                         of the Terrance and Phillip fan club.
 
                         
                                     BOUNCER
                         Then get in the "Official Presidents 
                         of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club" 
                         line. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, dude, gay!

                                     STAN
                         You don't understand: we saved Terrance 
                         and Phillip's lives once.
 
                                     BOUNCER
                         You and about a thousand other people 
                         at one time or another. Now, get out 
                         of my face! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Racist! 

                                     STAN
                         Man, this sucks!

                                     BOY IN GLASSES
                          Are you guys official presidents, too?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't talk to us, kid.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! Look at that line!  It's way shorter.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I don't think we're female groupies 
                         or random sluts.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny's a random slut. 

                                     KYLE
                         Well, maybe we can sneak in over there. 
                         Come on.  Sshh. 
 
               [Terrance's dressing room. He and a groupie are making out on 
               the sofa, both moaning.]
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Mmm. Mmm, yummy.  Mmm. 

                                     GROUPIE
                         It was so great meeting you. I feel 
                         like we really shared something.
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         We sure did, baby.  Next? 

                                     OBESE WOMAN
                          Hello Terrance. I'm such a huuuge fan.
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         You're a huge fan alright!

                                     OBESE WOMAN
                         Can I just have you sign my breasts?
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         But what do I get in return?

                                     OBESE WOMAN
                         Whatever you want. 

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh yeah.  Oh, that's good, baby.

                                     OBESE WOMAN
                         Oh, Terrance, I love you.

                                     TERRANCE
                         You like that? 

                                     OBESE WOMAN
                         I love you! 

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yeah.

                                     OBESE WOMAN
                         I LOVE you!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Ah good.

                                     OBESE WOMAN
                         I LOVE YOIU!!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yeah-

                                     BOTH
                          OH!!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Agh! Wough! Man, it smells down there! 
                         
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Jesus Christ! That was fast! Well, what 
                         should we name it? How about Jerry?
 
                         
                                     OBESE WOMAN
                         What the hell? 

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh wow! We had quadruplets! 

                                     STAN
                         We're not quadruplets, Terrance. We 
                         snuck in that woman's spandex to get 
                         in here.
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh! Thank God. The last thing I need 
                         is more kids.  What do you want, an 
                         autograph or something?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nuh, it's more important than that. 
                         Our school is putting on a big show 
                         for Earth Day, and we promised people 
                         we could get you to perform.
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Earth Day, huh? That sounds like a very 
                         noble cause. How much does it pay?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But where's Phillip?

                                     TERRANCE
                          Who?

                                     KYLE
                         Phillip, your partner.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Why is it that every time somebody sees 
                         me they have to say, "Hey, where's Phillip?" 
                         Like we're freaking married or something! 
                         You know, I'll let you tater-tots in 
                         on a little secret: Phillip is a HACK! 
                          You know who wrote all the Terrance 
                         and Phillip stuff? ME! Phillip never 
                         did anything but read his lines!
 
                                     KYLE
                         But the guy who replaced him sucks!
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         Ah, I know.  I know he sucks  To be 
                         honest, things haven't been going so 
                         well lately. I'm not making any money 
                         because everyone wants to see Phillip. 
                         Why? What the hell does Phillip do?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Becuase, dude, it's Terrance and Phillip.
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         Ogh, whatever.  The point is, Phillip 
                         and I are through.  And apparently, 
                         so is the act. And so is the money.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What if we can get Phillip to agree 
                         to get back together. Will you do the 
                         Earth Day show for us?
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         HA! Goood luck getting Phillip! He left 
                         because he wanted to do  "more serious" 
                         stuff. Last I heard, he was doing Canadian 
                         Shakespeare in Toronto.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Toronto?)

                                     KYLE
                          But we promised the Earth Day people 
                         you'd perform.
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, in that case, I'd say you four 
                         boys are up Fart Creek without a paddle. 
                         
 
                                     ["SOUTH PARK
                         Home of Earth Day Celebration 2001," 
                         day. Booths are being set up for the 
                         festival. The heads of the Earth Day 
                         Brainwashing Festival make their rounds]
 
                         
                                     OLDER MAN
                          Work! Work, children! We only have 
                         two more days until Earth Day! Work!
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         Ah, excuse me? My daddy is a geologist 
                         and he says there actually isn't any 
                         concrete evidence of global warming.
 
                         
                                     OLDER MAN
                         That's not true.  Global warming is 
                         going to kill us all.  The Republicans 
                         are responsible.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Thank you. 

                                     STAN
                         Oh no, dude.

                                     OLDER MAN
                          Oh, there you are, boys. I need Terrance 
                         and Phillip's information so I can tell 
                         them their schedule.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uuuh, we didn't get them.

                                     OLDER MAN
                          Youuu what?

                                     STAN
                         They're not together anymore, dude.
 
                         
                                     YOUNGER MAN
                         You'd better be joking. We've already 
                         announced their participation.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Look, we could we could probably get 
                         Terrance, but he'll be perfoming with 
                         this other guy.
 
                                     OLDER MAN
                         You promised us Terrance and Phillip! 
                         We therefore promised the WORLD Terrance 
                         and Phillip! You WILL get us Terrance 
                         and Phillip, or else!
 
                                     STAN
                         But there's nothing we can do. Phillip 
                         is doing Shakespeare in Canada now.
 
                         
                                     OLDER MAN
                         Then you'd better get your asses to 
                         Canada and GET him. We'll make travel 
                         arrangements.  Nothing is more important 
                         than the environment, boys. Not even 
                         your lives. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, guys, I guess we're going to Canada.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Weak.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Ahhh 

                                     KING CLAUDIUS
                         Part them; they are incensed.

                                     HAMLET
                          Nay, come, again.

                                     QUEEN GERTRUDE
                         Aaaah! 

                                     OSRIC
                          Look to the queen there, buddih! 
 
                         
                                     HORATIO
                         They bleed on both sides.  How is it, 
                         my lord?
 
                                     OSRIC
                         How is't, Laertes?

                                     LAERTES
                         Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, 
                         Osric;
 
               I am justly kill'd with mine own treachery.

                                     HAMLET
                         How does the queen?

                                     KING CLAUDIUS
                         Hey guy, she swounds to see them bleed, 
                         buddih. 
 
                                     QUEEN GERTRUDE
                         No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my 
                         dear Hamlet,--
 
               The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. Blagh! [dies]

                                     HAMLET
                         O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd:
 
                         
               Treachery! Seek it out.

                                     LAERTES
                          It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art 
                         slain;
 
               No medicine in the world can do thee good;

               In thee there is not half an hour of life;

               The treacherous instrument is in thy hand,

               Hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie,

                                     NEVER TO RISE AGAIN
                         thy mother's poison'd:

                                     I CAN NO MORE
                         the king, the king's to blame.

                                     HAMLET
                          The point!--envenom'd too!

               Then, venom, to thy work, buddih! [Stabs King Claudius]

                                     ALL
                         Treason! treason!

                                     KING CLAUDIUS
                         O, yet defend me, friends; I am but 
                         hurt.
 
                                     HAMLET
                         Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned 
                         Dane,
 
               Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?

               Follow my mother.

                                     KING CLAUDIUS
                         Blagh! 

                                     LAERTES
                         He is served;

               It is a poison temper'd by himself.

               Mine and my father's death come not upon thee,

               Nor thine on me. Blagh! [dies]

                                     HAMLET
                         Heaven make thee free of it! I follow 
                         thee, guy.
 
               I am dead, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu!

               You that look pale and tremble at this chance, buddih,

               That are but mutes or audience to this act, [chuckles]

               Had I but time--as this fell sergeant, death,

               Is strict in his arrest--O, I could tell you, buddih--

               But let it be. Horatio, I am dead;

               Thou livest, guy; report me and my cause aright

               To the unsatisfied. [chuckles]

                                     HORATIO
                         Never believe it:

               Here's yet some liquor left, buddih.

                                     STAN
                         Jesus Tapdancing Christ, is this thing 
                         ever gonna end? 
 
                                     HAMLET
                         ...he has my dying voice;

               So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,

               Which have solicited. The rest is silence. Blagh. [dies]

                                     HORATIO
                         Now cracks a noble heart. Good night 
                         sweet prince:
 
               And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, buddih!...

               [The parking lot. The play has ended. Phillip reaches his car 
               with square tires. Stan and the boys chase him down]
 
                                     STAN
                          Phillip! Phillip!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes?

                                     STAN
                         Our town in Colorado was chosen to host 
                         Earth Day this year and... we need a 
                         big act.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, really? This run of Hamlet is closing 
                         down, I'm afraid. We could take it there.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Ah, well, we were thinking how cool 
                         it would be if you and Terrance got 
                         back together for a reunion and-
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         AH! Stop right there! I'm not doin' 
                         nothin' with that fatass egomaniac!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But we need you!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Ah, I'm sick of him taking credit for 
                         all the work and not letting me change 
                         the act. It's old and stale! I mean, 
                         do you really think that fart jokes 
                         are funny for that long? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, if you don't come and do the show, 
                         I'll make you eat your parents!
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Yeah, whatever, kid.

                                     STAN
                         He'll do it, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Ah, look, Phillip. Everyone in South 
                         Park just wants to see your serious 
                         side.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         What?

                                     THE OTHER BOYS
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         They told us that "Phillip. He's the 
                         one with talent. Just get him for Earth 
                         Day."
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Really? Well that sounds interesting. 
                         How much does it pay?
 
                                     STAN
                         Two thousand dollars.

                                     PHILLIP
                          I'm in! Here, call me at this number 
                         with the details.  Gotta run! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, you didn't tell him Terrance would 
                         be there.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I didn't see he wouldn't be there, either. 
                         Look, all we have to do is get them 
                         there, right? Once Terrance and Phillip 
                         get together again, it'll be like old 
                         times.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal 
                         at the First Bank of Lies.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Ih-it'll be okay.

               [South Park, day. The kids put finishing touches on the various 
               booths. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival make 
               their rounds again]
 
                                     OLDER MAN
                          Work faster! Faster, children! Earth 
                         Day is coming!  Well, boys, it's rehearsal 
                         time, and your Terrance and Phillip 
                         haven't shown up.
 
                                     KYLE
                         They said they'd come.

                                     STAN
                         I'm sure they'll be here any minute.
 
                         
                                     OLDER MAN
                          Maybe you kids don't understand how 
                         important Earth Day is for the future 
                         of our planet. Maybe you need some convincing. 
                         Carl? 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (AAAAHH!)

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God!

                                     PHILLIP
                          Excuse me, is this where the Earth 
                         Day crap is happening?
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's here! 

                                     OLDER MAN
                         Oh. Very good. Mr. Phillip, I am Jack 
                         Farliss, head of the Earth Day Committee. 
                         Thank you for being part of this important 
                         event.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Whatever. Where's my check? 

                                     TERRANCE
                         Alright, I'm here. Where do I-?

                                     PHILLIP
                          What's HE doing here?

                                     JACK
                         Alright, let's do a rehearsal so that 
                         the camera crew can get a look at it. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uhhh-woo wow! Isn't this great? You 
                         guys seeing each other again?
 
                                     STAN
                         Ee yeah, you must have a lot of catchng 
                         up to do. But let's rehearse first.
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         So, this is your dong, huh, Terrance?!
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         My doing?? These kids called me and 
                         said it was your idea and that you wanted 
                         to apologize.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Please, you guys. This is for Earth 
                         Day.  You care about Mother Earth, don't 
                         you?
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Well, what the hell? I already flew 
                         all the way out here. But I want my 
                         check made out to me, not both of us!
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         Ditto!

                                     STAN
                         Fine! 

                                     KYLE
                         See? I told you it would work. 

                                     JACK
                         Alright, we'll come off the speech about 
                         the dying whales, and thennn, action!
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         Doctor, doctor, I've cracked my ass.
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         Really? Let me take a look.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Look closer. 

                                     KYLE.
                          Haha, hahahaha. Hahaha.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yon fart doth smell of elderberry sweet. 
                         Thou dost protes-
 
                                     TERRANCE
                          Uh. What? That's not the line, asshole!
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         You're right. It's a better one, asshole!
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         Just do the bit right, dickface!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Why don't you go eat some more pudding, 
                         you fatass drug addict?!
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         I may be fat but at least I didn't get 
                         hair plugs!
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         That's it! I ain't doin' nothin' with 
                         Kuko the Whale!
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         I never needed you in the first place, 
                         yuh hack! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         You can't leave! The show starts soon!
 
                         
                                     JACK
                         Boys, you've got... three hours to get 
                         those two back together. Do I need to 
                         remind you what will happen if you don't? 
                         Carl! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (OOOWWW!)

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     JACK
                         Good luck, boys. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         We've got to get them back together, 
                         you guys. They could do this to us.
 
                         
                                     REPORTER
                          Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, 
                         where Earth Day 2001 is in full force. 
                          Environmental awareness games, boths, 
                         and of course,  the entertainment on 
                         stage, which is being broadcast live 
                         all over the country. This eco-happy 
                         crowd is thrilled and waiting in anticipation 
                         for the arrival of Terrance and Phillip, 
                         who are promised by these four boys. 
                         
 
                                     JACK
                          What a touching and true song. You 
                         know, it's true.  Republicans are ruining 
                         the earth.
 
                                     CROWD
                          Republicans are ruining the earth.
 
                         
                                     JACK
                         Alright. Well, I thnk I know why most 
                         of you tuned in today. How about some 
                         Earth Day entertainment?! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hooray for the earth! We must protect 
                         it.  And now, as promised, here are 
                         TERRANCE AND PHILLIP, on video! 
 
                                     CARL
                         On video? 

                                     NARRATOR
                         They were considered the best comedy 
                         act in all of Canada.  But a fast-paced 
                         rocket ride to success would bring themto 
                         the depths of despair.  This is Terrance 
                         and Phillip: Behind the Blow.
 
                                     CROWD
                         fWow!

                                     CARL
                          What the hell do you call this?! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Eh it's "Terrance and Phillip: Behind 
                         the Blow." I taped it last month.
 
                         
                                     JACK
                         We promised people Terrance and Phillip, 
                         not a video documentary! You've ruined 
                         the earth for the last time, boys! 
 
                         
                                     THE BOYS
                         Aaaahh! 

                                     NARRATOR
                          Terrance was born Terrance Herny Stoot, 
                         in the small Canadian village of Toronto. 
                          At a very early age his parents noticed 
                         an uncanny musical ability and decided 
                         to enroll him in the Canadian School 
                         for gifted babies.  It was here that 
                         he partnered up with Phillip Niles Argyle 
                         , a brash young baby from Montreal. 
                          Together, they performed musical acts 
                         that stunned Canadians everywhere.  
                         At the tender age of six, Terrance and 
                         Phillip were off to the United States 
                         to perform on the Ed Sullivan show . 
                         where American audiences would be exposed 
                         to Canadians for the first time.
 
                                     ED SULLIVAN
                          And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have 
                         two adorable little boys from Canada. 
                         Please put your hands together for the 
                         music of young Terrance and Phillip. 
                         
 
                                     TERRANCE & PHILLIP
                         Beef and lamb, chicken and ham

               Step to the left and clap your hands!

               Gosh we love our chicken and ham

               Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!

                                     WOMAN
                         Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?!
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         It's alright, darling, they're just 
                         Canadian
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Oooh.

                                     TERRANCE & PHILLIP
                         Beef and lamb, chicken and ham

               Step to the left and clap your hands!

               Gosh we love our chicken and ham

               Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!

                                     NARRATOR
                         The Canadian act confused American audiences. 
                          But then something happened that would 
                         change Terrance and Phillip's act forever. 
                          It was the birth of Canadian comedy. 
                          Terrance and Phillip spent the next 
                         several years perfecting their art, 
                         and meetng some of America's most infuential 
                         people. 
 
                                     PHILLIP
                          Excuse me, which way is the bus station? 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hey, you're the guy on the screen. 
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         What? 

                                     NARRATOR
                         But it was in 1974, on the Sonny & Cher 
                         Show, that Terrance and Phillip finally 
                         started to mix their Canadian humor 
                         with deep political insight. 
 
                                     SONNY
                         You know, Cher, a lot of us real Americans 
                         don't know much about Canada
 
                                     CHER
                          Well, a lot of us real Americans aren't 
                         as stupid and short as you, hm. 
 
                                     SONNY
                         Please put your groovy hands together 
                         for the young and talented Terrance 
                         and Phillip! 
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot 
                         all these Russians making missles. Maybe 
                         we should stop this cold war.
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Here's a missile for ya! 

                                     PHILLIP
                         That's better. 

                                     NARRATOR
                         With this bold mix of humor and political 
                         insight, the world couldn't get enough 
                         of Terrance and Phillip.  But their 
                         fame would come at a price, when Behind 
                         the Blow continues.
 
               [South Park Elementary, front. The boys stop there to catch their 
               breaths]
 
                                     STAN
                          Okay. Okay, I think we lost them.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Jesus, man, those Earth Day people don't 
                         screw around!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, none of this would be happening 
                         if you hadn't LIED in the first place! 
                         You lied, and then you lied to cover 
                         up your lie!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I didn't see you complaining at the 
                         time, fat boy!
 
                                     STAN
                         Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna 
                         have to move away. Environmental activists 
                         don't use logic or reason.
 
                                     CARL
                          There they are! 

                                     KYLE
                         Haaah! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Aahhh!)

                                     STAN
                         Go! Run run run! 

               [South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues]

                                     NARRATOR
                          As they entered their late teens, Terrance 
                         and Phillip were already starting to 
                         taste the sweet milk of success.  But 
                         the price of fame was looming, as Terrance 
                         and Phillip: Behind the Blow continues. 
                          The '70s and '80s were a good time 
                         for young Terrance and Phillip.  Their 
                         act on the Donny and Marie Show earned 
                         them a Nobel Peace Prize. They were 
                         oin the cover of every magazine.  And 
                         then in 1998, even a saturday morning 
                         cartoon was made, based on Terrance 
                         and Phillip.  Terrance and Phillip themselves 
                         supplied the voices.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Say Terrance, what should we do aboot 
                         this strange planet we've crashed on?
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         I don't know, Phillip. It looks like 
                         the alien species here breathe an inert 
                         gas.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh oh, did you say what I thought you 
                         said? 
 
                                     GOAT LEADER
                          As leader of the goat people, I have 
                         seen my species nearly wiped out by 
                         your dangerous gas.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Wow, that sucks. 

                                     NARRATOR
                         The cartoon was such a huge success 
                         that it started to breed confusion over 
                         whether Terrance and Phillip were animated 
                         characters or real people. And so, in 
                         1998,  the comedy team started work 
                         on what they thought would be their 
                         greatest achievement: A made-for-TV 
                         movie written by and starring Terrance 
                         and Phillip, called "Not Without My 
                         Anus."  It was their biggest project 
                         to date. But it had the misfortune of 
                         being scheduled on a night when a different 
                         and more pupolar show, the John Schneider 
                         Variety Hour , was supposed to air. 
                         When fans tuned in to see John Schneider 
                         and instead were treated to the Canadian 
                         made-for-TV movie , they were enraged, 
                         bewildered, and scared.  The fans revolted 
                         and burned down the network, killing 
                         six television producers and wounding 
                         twelve others.  The hatred of Terrance 
                         and Phillip had begun. Terrance fell 
                         into a deep depression and started abusing 
                         wod pulp  Phillip beat up an angry six-year-old 
                         fan and was sued for six million dollars. 
                         It was the first time the duo tasted 
                         failure , and it nearly killed them 
                         both.
 
                                     TERRANCE
                          What's going on here? 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Sh. We're watching "Behind the Blow," 
                         m'kay.
 
               [South Park. The boys run past Tom's Rhinoplasty, with the Earth 
               Day Committee in hot pursuit]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Kenny, hurry up!

               [South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues. A shot of Mr. Garrison 
               and Phillip]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                          After years of depression and suicide 
                         attempts, Terrance and Phillip finally 
                         decided to get together  for one last 
                         film:  the 1999 hit, Asses of Fire. 
                         It was one of the highest-grossing films 
                         of the summer.  And though the film 
                         also started the Canadian-American War 
                         of 1999 , in which eight million people 
                         lost their lives, the film was conisdered 
                         a great success.  After almost being 
                         executed by the Aemrican government 
                         , Terrance and Phillip were eventually 
                         returned to Canada , where they were 
                         touted as heroes.  They have been to 
                         hell and back, through the very best 
                         and the very worst of times, together, 
                         but they had seen it through.  And so 
                         ends Terrance and Phillip, Behind the 
                         Blow. 
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Terrance...

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, Phillip. You're still here, too.
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         I was just watchng this video, I ah-. 
                         You know, I've never seen it before.
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                          Me neither.

                                     PHILLIP
                          We sssure did go through a lot together.
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                         We sure did.

                                     PHILLIP
                          Terrance, I-

                                     TERRANCE
                         No. No, Phillip, don't say it. I was 
                         an asshole, and this is mostly my fault.
 
                         
                                     PHILLIP
                         That's what I was gonna say: You were 
                         an asshole, and this is mostly your 
                         fault.  But, you were always the more 
                         artistically driven of us; I ssshould've 
                         put more into it than I did. 
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         No, Phillip, I really thought I did 
                         everything. Until I- tried to do it 
                         alone. 
 
                                     JACK
                         Think of all the endangered species 
                         that will now vanish because of you! 
                         Carl! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (AH how!) 

                                     JACK
                         So long, boys! 

                                     KYLE
                         Wait! dude, LOOK! 

                                     TERRANCE
                         Thank you everyone, thank you! You know, 
                         Phillip and I have learned an important 
                         lesson: that when you go through a lot 
                         with somebody, you can't let trite things 
                         come between you.
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         That's right, Terrance. You should only 
                         let trite things come between your asscheeks 
                         
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         Ohohoho, nohoho! 

                                     STAN
                         They're back!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright!

                                     JACK
                         Yes! Earth Day is saved, boys! Everything 
                         worked out after all!
 
                                     STAN
                         It sure did.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Look, Kenny, everything turned out 
                         okay!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Oh, well now that's sweet.)

                                     PHILLIP
                         Say Terrance, can you tell me Who farted? 
                         
 
                                     TERRANCE
                         He sure did, Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         NO, I'm asking you his name!

                                     NARRATOR
                         And so, Terrance and Phillip got back 
                         together, proving once and for all that 
                         fame and fortune are never as important 
                         as friendship.
 

Terrance & Phillip, Behind The Blow



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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