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                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 201

                       Terrance & Phillip in "Not Without My Anus"

                                        Written by

                               Trisha Nixon and Trey Parker

                

                                         ACT ONE

                                     NARRATOR
                         Since the last South Park, you've 
                         waited four long weeks to find out 
                         who the father of Eric Cartman is. 
                         Now finally the shocking truth about 
                         Cartman's lineage... Will not be 
                         seen tonight so that we can bring 
                         you the following Special 
                         Presentation.

               Black screen with super serious MOW music with the titles 
               rolling...

                                     NARRATOR
                         Now, get ready for Canada's hottest 
                         action stars. Terrance and Phillip. 
                         The HBC movie of the week. Not Without 
                         My Anus, based on a true story.

                              "TERRANCE AND PHILLIP PRESENT,

                                 TERRANCE AND PHILLIP IN,

                      TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S "NOT WITHOUT MY ANUS."

               FADE IN:

               EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY

               It's a high, sweeping, super serious MOW shot.

               INT. COURTROOM - DAY

               The Prosecuting Attorney, SCOTT, is standing before a jury.

                                     PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
                         Ladies and gentleman, before you 
                         today sits a murderer. On the night 
                         in question, this monster entered 
                         the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and 
                         struck him repeatedly in the head 
                         with this hammer.

               The Prosecutor holds up a hammer. It has blood and hair all 
               over it.

                                     PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
                         That monster is sitting right over 
                         there and his name is Terrance!

               He points to the defense table where Terrance sits and shrugs 
               nonchalantly and then lifts his ass cheek to fart. His defense 
               attorney, Phillip, laughs.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, Terrance, you've farted in court.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes, Phillip, I'm making a case for 
                         our defense!

               Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

               The Prosecutor continues, pacing in front of the jury. He 
               has before him an endless table of physical evidence.

                                     PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
                         All of these things link Terrance to 
                         the murder. Hair fibers, blood 
                         samples, nail clippings, a piece of 
                         his shirt...

               He holds up the fabric. Terrance casually covers the rip on 
               his sleeve and smiles at the jury.

                                     PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
                         A watch with his initials on it, a 
                         dayplanner with the murder 
                         scheduled...

               The prosecutor holds up the dayplanner page. It has a skull 
               and crossbones and says, "Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer 7:30. 
               Dinner with the McCullough's 8:15."

                                     PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
                         ...a haiku called Time To Kill Dr. 
                         Jeffrey O'Dwyer
                              (counting the syllables 
                              on his hand as he 
                              reads)
                         "Doctor O'Dwyer, Time to have your 
                         head smashed in, with my new hammer."

               Terrance shrugs.

                                     PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
                         Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon 
                         but you're not God! Do you think 
                         you're God?! J'accuse, Terrance!

               With a big dramatic fingerpoint, we pan quickly over to 
               Terrance. He smiles at the jury, then farts.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes, please.

               Terrance lifts his ass cheek and farts a different sounding 
               fart.

                                     TERRANCE
                         That's called the monkey claw because 
                         it feels like my colon is being ripped 
                         apart by a thousand monkeys!

                                     PHILLIP
                         The monkey claw is smelly!

               Terrance laughs. The OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE smacks her gavel 
               and speaks in a slow, drowsy southern-Canadian drawl like a 
               hillbilly bear.

                                     OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
                         Come on, get a move on. I ain't 
                         gettin' any younger up here.

                                     PHILLIP
                         My sentiments exactly, your honor. I 
                         see from your accent that you're 
                         Southern-Canadian.

                                     OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
                         That is correct.

               Phillip stands and addresses the jury.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Good people of the jury. My client, 
                         Terrance, is an innocent man.

               Phillip farts.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, Phillip, now you've farted during 
                         the closing argument.

                                     PHILLIP
                         I have, haven't I, Terrance?

               He farts again. The jurors start to smile.

                                     PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
                         Your honor, the defense is trying to 
                         make a mockery of this court! They 
                         think that farts are funny!! But 
                         they're not!!

                                     OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
                         Sustained.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Good people of the jury. My client, 
                         Terrance, is no more a murderer than 
                         you or me. He loves puppies and hates 
                         mean things.

               He shows a picture of Terrance giving a carrot to a llama.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Would a murderer go to the zoo and 
                         feed animals like this? Of course 
                         not. So, in summation, find Terrance 
                         innocent... Or else he'll KILL you!!

               The jury gasps.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Ha, ha! Just kidding!

               Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

                                     PHILLIP
                         The defense rests.

               Phillip crosses to his chair. He stops and farts on the 
               Prosecutor again as he passes.

                                     SCOTT
                         God dammit! That isn't funny!!

                                     JUDGE
                         Madame foreperson, have you reached 
                         a verdict so we can get hell out of 
                         here?

                                     FOREPERSON/WOMAN
                         We have, your honor. We have found 
                         Terrance, in the above entitled action 
                         of murder against Dr. Jeffrey 
                         O'Dwyer...

               Just then, Terrance lets a huge fart rip and it drowns out 
               the verdict. He and Phillip roar with laughter. Everyone 
               looks around confused.

                                     JUDGE
                         You're gonna have to repeat that 
                         verdict because we had some flatulence 
                         issues.

                                     FOREPERSON/WOMAN
                         I said, we find Terrance...

               Terrance lets another one rip. We still can't hear the 
               verdict. He and Phillip laugh their asses off and fart. The 
               forewoman screams in between farts.

                                     FOREPERSON/WOMAN
                         We find Terrance... Not guilty!

               Terrance hugs Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Did you hear that, Terrance. You're 
                         not guilty!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, Phillip, you've saved me from 
                         the GAS chamber!!

               Terrance and Phillip think aboot this for a long time... 
               Then finally break out laughing.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, HA HA HA!!!

               They laugh, fart and hug. Scott, the prosecuting attorney, 
               broods.

               EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - LATER

               Phillip and Terrance walk down the steps toward the parking 
               lot. We can see the big, Canadian flag behind them. Lots of 
               REPORTERS and PROTESTERS are gathered out front.

                                     TERRANCE
                         That sure was fun Phillip, let's go 
                         home and eat Kraft Dinner!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Here, here!

               Scott, the Prosecuting Attorney, emerges.

                                     SCOTT
                         Well, looks like you got you got 
                         away with it, Terrance and Phillip!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, 
                         right ol' pal?

                                     SCOTT
                         There ARE hard feelings!! THIS ISN'T 
                         OVER!! I'M GOING TO SEE TO IT THAT 
                         YOU BOTH PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! 
                         AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?!?!

                                     PHILLIP
                         'Cause you're a dick?

                                     SCOTT
                         NO! Because I hate you! You think 
                         farting is so funny! Well it isn't! 
                         Fart jokes are the lowest form of 
                         comedy, and --

               Phillip farts, they laugh.

                                     SCOTT
                         AGH!!! I hate you both!! I've hated 
                         you ever since I can remember, I 
                         hate you, and I wish you both had 
                         cancer.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Cancer?

                                     SCOTT
                         Yes. In the head.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Head cancer?

                                     SCOTT
                         This is NOT the end TERRANCE AND 
                         PHILLIP! YOU'LL RUE THIS DAY!!!

               Scott walks away.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Wow! Scott really hates us, Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

               Terrance thinks.

                                     TERRANCE
                         But we're not gay, Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         We're not?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, let us board the subway and 
                         return home. There we can eat Kraft 
                         dinner.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes, It's been a long day. And only 
                         Kraft dinner can calm my nerves.

               INT. CANADIAN SUBWAY

               Terrance and Phillip sit side by side on the subway as it 
               goes in and out of tunnels. Going light to dark to light 
               again...

               Ta-chink, ta-chink, ta-chink...

               Finally, Phillip rips a fart, and both Terrance and Phillip 
               laugh hysterically.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Say Phillip, why does Scott always 
                         try to convict me of murder? He does 
                         it every week.

                                     PHILLIP
                         He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder 
                         what he'll try to do next?

                                     TERRANCE
                         God only knows.

                                     PHILLIP
                         The subway certainly is wonderful 
                         Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         It sure is. Let's look for treasure.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes, let's look for treasure.

               Terrance and Phillip look around their immediate area. Half-
               assedly turning over seat covers.

               INT. SCOTT'S HOUSE

               Scott answers his ringing phone.

                                     SCOTT
                         Hello?

                                     SADDAM
                         Hello, is this Scott from Canada?

                                     SCOTT
                         Yes.

                                     SADDAM
                         You're a journalist, right?

                                     SCOTT
                         Yes, I'm a television critic for 
                         magazines.

                                     VOICE
                         I understand that you hate Terrance 
                         and Phillip.

                                     SCOTT
                         Yes, Yes I do! They think that fart 
                         jokes are a sophisticated form of 
                         comedy, but they're not!

                                     VOICE
                         Well, what if I were to help you get 
                         rid of them once and for all?

                                     SCOTT
                         Who IS this?

                                     VOICE
                         Let's just say...

               INT. SADDAM'S PRESIDENTIAL PALACE

                                     SADDAM
                         That I'm someone who can help you, 
                         if you help me. Just call me your 
                         ol' pal Saddam Hussein.

                                     SCOTT
                         Saddam Hussein? The Iraqi dictator?!

                                     SADDAM
                         Hey, relax guy. I'm just your average 
                         Joe. Take a rest.

                                     SCOTT
                         What do you want?

                                     SADDAM
                         You want Terrance and Phillip OUT of 
                         Canada, I want you to bring me and 
                         my friends IN to Canada. That sounds 
                         like a fair trade doesn't it. Super, 
                         let's get started.

                                     SCOTT
                         I'm not sure that I should trust 
                         you.

                                     SADDAM
                         Hey, relax, guy! Trust me

                                  FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

               EXT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - DAY

               The men walk towards their humble home.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, it's too bad we didn't find 
                         any treasure on the subway, Phillip.

               Just then, another character who looks JUST LIKE Terrance 
               and Phillip walks in.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh hello, ugly Bob.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.

                                     TERRANCE
                         My God you're looking hideously ugly 
                         today, Ugly Bob.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         How come you guys say stuff like 
                         that?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Because you're God damned ugly, Bob.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         I know, but --

                                     PHILLIP
                         Ugly Bob, your face looks like 
                         somebody tried to put out a forest 
                         fire with a screwdriver.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         I can't help how I look. Besides, 
                         it's not what's on the outside that 
                         matters, it's what's on the inside.

                                     TERRANCE
                         No it isn't.

               Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Wanna see what's on the inside of 
                         me?

               Terrance farts. They laugh.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Wait, wait! I've got an idea! Why 
                         don't you put this paper bag over 
                         your head, Ugly Bob?

               Phillip pulls out a large brown paper bag.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes, if people can't see your face, 
                         they won't know how wretchedly ugly 
                         you are!

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Really?

               Ugly Bob puts the paper bag over his head.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Hey, thanks you guys. Maybe now I 
                         can score with chicks.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Sure you can, Ugly Bob, if they can't 
                         see how horribly disfigured you are, 
                         they'll want to sleep with you.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Thanks, you guys.

               Ugly Bob leaves, Terrance and Phillip head into their house.

               INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE

               The men walk in.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Hello, Barkie! Hello, Purry!

               Terrance and Phillip's dog and cat bark and meow respectively.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Say, Terrance, I was just aboot to 
                         make some Kraft dinner. Would you 
                         like some?

                                     TERRANCE
                         You know I never turn down Kraft 
                         Dinner, Phillip.

               Terrance crosses the room.

                                     TERRANCE
                         I'm going to go put on a pirate 
                         costume.

               The doorbell rings, Phillip answers it.

               A DELIVERY MAN enters with a letter.

                                     DELIVERY MAN
                         Special delivery for Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         I'll take that.

                                     DELIVERY MAN
                         Sign here. And here. And here. And 
                         here. And here...

               Terrance signs. The Delivery Man points to another place on 
               a form.

                                     DELIVERY MAN
                         And here.

               He takes the form, gives Phillip the letter, and exits.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh Terrance! You got a letter!

               Terrance walks in.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Shiver me timbers Phillip! At this 
                         rate, I'll never get to my Kraft 
                         dinner!

               Terrance opens the letter and reads it.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh my God!

                                     PHILLIP
                         What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?

                                     TERRANCE
                         No, it's Sally. She's being held 
                         captive in Iran!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! 
                         Why Sally? God, why?!

               BIG MUSICAL SWELL. THEN

                                     PHILLIP
                         Say, Terrance... Who's Sally?

                                     TERRANCE
                         My daughter.

                                     PHILLIP
                         I never knew you had a daughter, 
                         Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me 
                         hearties?

                                     PHILLIP
                         No, you never did, Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh. Well, it all began fifteen years 
                         ago...

                                                                    CUT TO:

               EXT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE

               A TITLE reads 'FIVE HOURS LATER'.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE

                                     PHILLIP
                         My God! What a fascinating story, 
                         Terrance! Especially the part aboot 
                         Celine Dion.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes, indeed. But now my little Sally 
                         is being held captive in Iran. And I 
                         will have to go and find her.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Then I will go with you, Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         You are such a good friend, Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Well, you know what they say; 'A 
                         friend in need is a friend with Kraft 
                         Dinner'.

                                     TERRANCE
                         A lass there maties!

               EXT. CELINE DION'S HOUSE

               DING DONG -- Celine Dion answers the door.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hello, Celine Dion.

                                     CELINE DION
                         Terrance. This is quite a surprise.

                                     TERRANCE
                         You're looking well.

                                     CELINE DION
                         And you.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Celine, where is our daughter Sally?

                                     CELINE DION
                         She's in the middle east, studying 
                         Anthropology, why?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Wrong. She's been taken hostage, and 
                         is now being held prisoner.

                                     CELINE DION
                         What?!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Phillip and I are going to Iran to 
                         find her, but we may never return.

                                     CELINE DION
                         Oh Terrance, what happened to us?

                                     TERRANCE
                         We just grew apart Celine Dion.

                                     CELINE DION
                         Please bring our daughter home safe, 
                         Terrance.

               Terrance farts.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

               INT. CANADIAN AIRPORT

               Terrance and Phillip walk up to the airport ticket counter.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Hello, Ugly Bob.

               Bob is behind the ticket counter with the bag on his head.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Hi guys.

                                     TERRANCE
                         How's the paper bag working out?

                                     UGLY BOB
                         People seem to really like it. I 
                         even have a date this Friday.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Terrific. We need two tickets for 
                         Teheran, please.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Iran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't 
                         go there.

                                     PHILLIP
                              (slamming the desk)
                         Dammit, man! Danger or no, I'm going 
                         to help my friend find his daughter!!!

               Terrance laughs in the background.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Alright, then, there's a flight 
                         leaving today.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, good...

               Bob types up the ticket on his computer.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Well, I certainly am going to miss 
                         Canada, Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Indeed, Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran... 
                         Please bring my body back to Canada 
                         and bury it in a box with a side of 
                         Kraft dinner.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Same here, Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                              (singing)
                         Oh Canada! Our home and native land! 
                         True patriot love in all thy sons 
                         command.

               Now Terrance joins in.

                                     TERRANCE
                              (singing)
                         With glowing hearts we see thee rise, 
                         The True North strong and free!

               Now ugly Bob, and some people next to him join in.

                                     UGLY BOB
                              (singing)
                         From far and wide, O Canada, We stand 
                         on guard for thee.

               Now absolutely everyone in the airport stops what they're 
               doing, stands up, and joins in.

                                     EVERYONE
                         God keep our land glorious and free! 
                         O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

               Now Scott leans in from behind a wall.

                                     SCOTT
                         Scott to Red Dragon. Come in Red 
                         Dragon.

               INT. STRANGE ROOM

               Saddam Hussein is sitting at his desk with a couple of guards.

                                     SADDAM
                         Go ahead gug. This is Red Dragon.

                                     SCOTT
                         The plan is working perfectly. 
                         Terrance and Phillip have taken the 
                         bait.

                                     SADDAM
                         Excellent. My buddies and I are ready 
                         to come to Canada, has everything 
                         been arranged?

               INT. CANADIAN AIRPORT

                                     SCOTT
                         Yes. Everything's proceeding according 
                         to plan. Now you promised that when 
                         Terrance and Phillip arrive they 
                         will be ripped into pieces and shot 
                         several times.

                                     SADDAM
                         Hey, relax guy! I'm gonna keep my 
                         side of the bargain!

                                     SCOTT
                         Roger, red dragon. Scott out.
                              (under his breath)
                         I've got you now, you fart loving 
                         fart lovers...

               INSERT - WORLD MAP

               We see a map of the World. With Indiana Jones type music 
               playing, a red line shows the path of the airplane.

               We watch as the line leaves it's home in Canada (The map 
               says only Canada) and slowly makes its way towards Iran.

               Meanwhile, we HEAR Terrance and Phillip FARTING and LAUGHING 
               during the long trip.

               EXT. IRAN

               Terrance and Phillip walk down the crowded, insane Iranian 
               streets.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, Phillip, how will I ever find my 
                         fugitive daughter in this daunting 
                         place? We don't speak the language, 
                         we are unwelcome strangers, and we 
                         have no idea where to begin!

               They walk a little further.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh look, there she is.

               In the midst of Iranian people, little Sally, who is white, 
               stands out like a sore thumb.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, good.

               They walk over to Sally.

                                     SALLY
                         Who? Where?

                                     TERRANCE
                         I'm here, Sally. It's your father, 
                         Terrance. I'm here to save you from 
                         your smelly Iranian captors.

                                     SALLY
                         Papa!

               Terrance and Sally hug.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Say, she looks a lot more like Celine 
                         Dion than you, Terrance.

               Sally rips a fart and laughs.

                                     PHILLIP
                         OH, NOW I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, enough of Iran, let's get home.

               EXT. PLANE

               We see the plane heading back the other way.

               EXT. CANADIAN AIRPORT

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, now that I have my bastard 
                         daughter back, I feel like going 
                         back to Celine Dion's house and asking 
                         her to marry me again.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh Raspberries, looks like I'm losing 
                         a friend.

                                     TERRANCE
                         No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.

                                     PHILLIP
                         OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS?!?!

               Terrance and Phillip look around, and see that Canada has 
               completely changed.

               Most everything has been colored red, and large paintings of 
               Saddam Hussein hang everywhere.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Is this Canada?

                                     TERRANCE
                         It seems to have changed...

                                     PHILLIP
                         THIS IS MADNESS!!!

               DRAMATIC MUSIC.

                                          ACT II

               EXT. CANADA - DAY

               Terrance and Phillip walk down a Canadian street, where most 
               of the buildings have been painted red. Huge framed pictures 
               of Saddam are everywhere.

                                     TERRANCE
                         What's going on, Terrance? How could 
                         Canada have changed so much whilst 
                         we were gone?

                                     PHILLIP
                         I don't know, Terrance. And who is 
                         that smelly person in all these 
                         pictures?

                                     TERRANCE
                         I must take my bastard daughter back 
                         to Celine Dion, and she what she has 
                         to say.

               Terrance and Phillip walk up to Celine's door and knock.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Celine, I've brought our daughter 
                         Sally back. And I want to tell you 
                         that --

                                     CELINE DION
                         Terrance... Uh... Could you come 
                         back a little later?

                                     PHILLIP
                         Why?

                                     CELINE DION
                         Uh... I'm just a little busy right 
                         now...

                                     TERRANCE
                         You've got a MAN over, don't you 
                         Celine Dion!!

                                     CELINE DION
                         Well, I --

               Ugly Bob walks up to the door. The brown paper bag is still 
               on his head.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Hi guys.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh my God! It's Ugly Bob!!

                                     TERRANCE
                         What the hell are you doing here?!

                                     UGLY BOB
                         I'm doing Celine Dion, what's it 
                         look like?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh Celine Dion, what have you done?! 
                         I was going to make us a family again 
                         but now you've slept with ugly Bob!

                                     CELINE DION
                         What do you mean? Why are you calling 
                         him 'Ugly Bob'?

                                     PHILLIP
                         Because that's his name, you stupid 
                         bitch!

                                     CELINE DION
                              (to Bob)
                         You told me your name was Handsome 
                         Bob.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Look at him, Celine Dion!

               Terrance grabs the paper bag and rips it off. Bob still looks 
               just like Terrance and Phillip.

                                     CELINE DION
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHHH!!!!

               As Celine screams, there is a Hitchcock perspective zoom on 
               her face.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Behold his horrible face!!

                                     CELINE DION
                         OH MY GOD!! HE IS HEINOUSLY UGLY!! 
                         AND I AM PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD!!!

                                     TERRANCE
                         WHAT?! NOOOoooo!!

                                     CELINE DION
                         I'm going to have a freak baby!!

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh, the humanity!!

               INT. STRANGE ROOM

               Saddam is sitting at his desk. Scott walks in.

                                     SCOTT
                         Hey Saddam, you helped me get rid of 
                         Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate 
                         that... But why are framed pictures 
                         of you going up all over Canada?

                                     SADDAM
                         Huh? Oh, that. Don't worry guy, you 
                         just need a rest.

                                     SCOTT
                         No I don't need a rest! I want to 
                         know what this is all aboot!

                                     SADDAM
                         Hey, relax fella, I'm just making it 
                         so that Terrance and Phillip can 
                         never come back to Canada again. I 
                         just need a couple of things, and 
                         then I'm gonna head back to Iran.

                                     SCOTT
                         I thought you were from Iraq.

                                     SADDAM
                         Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the 
                         difference? Relax, guy.

               Scott thinks.

               INT. CANADIAN STREET - DAY

               A huge, Iraqi army marches past Terrance and Phillip.

               Terrance farts, and they laugh merrily.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Phillip, I'm convinced that something 
                         very very not good is happening to 
                         Canada.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes, I agree whole fartledly.

               Just then Scott walks up.

                                     SCOTT
                         Hey! What the hell are you guys doing 
                         here?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, hello Scott.

                                     SCOTT
                         You're not supposed to be here! You're 
                         supposed to be in Iran looking for 
                         your kidnapped -- Uh... I mean, uh... 
                         How are you today?

                                     PHILLIP
                         Wait, what were you saying?

                                     SCOTT
                         Nothing. Why?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Scott, guess what?

                                     SCOTT
                         What?

               Terrance farts.

                                     SCOTT
                         Ah! I hate you more you more than 
                         ever Terrance and Phillip! I 
                         absolutely abhor you both!

               Scott holds both his hands towards Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         What are you doing, Scott?

                                     SCOTT
                         I'm wishing cancer upon you.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Cancer?

                                     SCOTT
                         That's right! I'm trying to give you 
                         cancer with my mind.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Agh! Stop that!

               Terrance tries to hide behind Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Hey! Don't give me cancer!

               INT. STRANGE ROOM

               Some American Generals come in (*NOTE - Since the generals 
               are American, they should be drawn in South Park style).

                                     GENERAL
                         Mr. Hussein, the U.S. government is 
                         becoming worried.

                                     SADDAM
                         Worried? About what? Take a load 
                         off. Relax.

                                     GENERAL
                         You seem to be... Taking over Canada.

                                     SADDAM
                         Taking over Canada? Me? Hey, you 
                         need a rest fella. I'm not hiding 
                         any bombs!

                                     GENERAL
                         We didn't say anything about bombs.

                                     SADDAM
                         Oh... You didn't? Hey, relax.

                                     GENERAL
                         We're giving you just three years to 
                         clear your forces out of Canada. 
                         After that, we're going to bomb all 
                         of Iran.

                                     SADDAM
                         I'm from Iraq.

                                     GENERAL
                         Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?

               The Americans leave.

                                     IRAQI SOLDIER
                         OOH! I HATE AMERICANS!!! PLEASE LET 
                         ME KILL THEM!!!

                                     SADDAM
                         No, no, you need to relax, guy. 
                         Remember the plan, first we take 
                         over Canada, then we'll have the 
                         best of the Female Pop Vocalists. 
                         After that, we'll take over the U.S., 
                         then Europe, Then China, Then 
                         Newfoundland, THEN THE WORLD!!!!!

               Saddam laughs maniacally. Suddenly, Scott barges in.

                                     SCOTT
                         What's so funny?

                                     SADDAM
                         Nothing. Relax, buddy.

                                     SCOTT
                         Saddam! Terrance and Phillip are 
                         back in Canada!

                                     SADDAM
                         Oh, really?

                                     SCOTT
                         You promised me they'd be gone for 
                         good! That was your part of the 
                         bargain!

                                     SADDAM
                         I changed my mind. Pray that I don't 
                         change it any further.

               Dramatic music. Scott looks afraid, and steps out.

                                     SCOTT
                         This deal is getting worse all the 
                         time.

               INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - DAY

                                     PHILLIP
                         Hey, Terrance let's watch American 
                         television!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes! We can get satellite feed from 
                         the U.S. and watch all of their stupid 
                         T.V. shows!

               Phillip hits the remote control.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Oh look, here's a show --

               It's Jerry Springer.

                                     PHILLIP
                         God damn their TV shows are lame!

               He changes the station to 'South Park.'

                                     PHILLIP
                         Look at their silly American heads!

                                     TERRANCE
                         They look like groundhogs!

               He changes the station to CNN.

                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         And in other news, it appears that 
                         Saddam Hussein has finally signed an 
                         agreement to let the US inspect his 
                         military operations. When asked if 
                         he would uphold his side of the 
                         agreement, Hussein replied, quote 
                         'Hey, relax fella, you need a rest, 
                         guy'.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Phillip, isn't that the smelly 
                         gentleman we've seen in pictures all 
                         over town?

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes it is, Terrance. According to 
                         that newsy, he's some kind of Turkish 
                         dictator!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well we can't just sit here and eat 
                         Kraft Dinner and let Canada been 
                         overrun by the Turks.

               Just then, the phone rings.

                                     PHILLIP
                         That fart sounded just like a ringing 
                         phone Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         It sure did Phillip.

               The phone rings again.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh wait, that is the phone. Hello?

                                     SCOTT
                         Terrance, this is Scott.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh.
                              (to Phillip)
                         Hey, it's Scott.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Tell him he's a smelly bastard.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Phillip says hello, Scott.

                                     SCOTT
                         Just shut up and listen. You've 
                         unleashed a monster onto Canada and 
                         only you can get rid of him. Even 
                         though I hate you, and I wish you 
                         had cancer.

                                     TERRANCE
                         You are such a dick, Scott.

                                     SCOTT
                         YOU'RE a dick.

                                     TERRANCE
                         YOU'RE a dick.

                                     SCOTT
                         YOU'RE a dick.

                                     TERRANCE
                         YOU'RE a dick.

                                     SCOTT
                         ...

                                     TERRANCE
                         ...

                                     SCOTT
                         YOU'RE a dick.

                                     TERRANCE
                         YOU'RE a dick.

                                     SCOTT
                         The two of you are the most annoying 
                         dicks in Canada! You give other 
                         Canadians a bad name... and if I 
                         had...

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, I'm sorry Scott, could you hold 
                         on a minute?

                                     SCOTT
                         Sure.

               Terrance puts the phone down to his ass and blows a huge 
               fart into it.

               Scott reacts as if it hurt his ear.

               Back on the phone --

                                     TERRANCE
                         Ahhh!! How do you like that, Scott?!

                                     SCOTT
                         You son of a bitch! I'll get you if 
                         it's the --

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, wait, I have another call, Scott, 
                         can you hang on?

                                     SCOTT
                         Sure.

               Terrance again puts the phone to his ass and blows a huge 
               fart.

                                     PHILLIP
                         OHH!! That was Sir Smelley! He says 
                         hello!!

                                     SCOTT
                         GOD DAMMIT!!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, wait a second, Scott.

                                     SCOTT
                         Sure... I mean No! You listen to me! 
                         If you want to save Canada, you'll 
                         meet me at Karl's Kraft Dinner 
                         Restaurant in half an hour.

               Click. Scott hangs up.

               EXT. CELINE DION'S HOUSE - DAY

               Celine and Ugly Bob are lying in bed, smoking. Ugly Bob still 
               has a paper bag over his head.

                                     CELINE DION
                         Oh, ugly Bob... I'm so confused. I 
                         love your personality, but you are 
                         so wretchedly ugly.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Maybe the baby will have your face 
                         instead of mine.

                                     CELINE DION
                         We can only hope... I suppose we'll 
                         be okay, as long as you keep that 
                         bag on your head.

               Suddenly, there is horrible commotion. A group of Iranian 
               soldiers break into the room. Saddam follows close behind.

                                     CELINE DION
                         What's this?!

                                     SADDAM
                         Hey, there. My name's Saddam. I'm a 
                         big fan of Polo. I've been searching 
                         a long time for you Celine Dion.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Oh no you don't! She's my bitch!

                                     SADDAM
                         Who are you?

                                     UGLY BOB
                         I'm Bob. But my friends call me ugly 
                         Bob, because I have the features of 
                         a deformed burn victim.

                                     SADDAM
                         Really? I thought all Canadians looked 
                         alike. Let me see...

               Ugly Bob lifts his paper bag. Everyone in the room screams 
               horribly. Even Celine Dion.

                                     SADDAM
                         Wow, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I 
                         could cure that face of yours.

                                     UGLY BOB
                         You could?

                                     SADDAM
                         Sure, I just need a favor. There's a 
                         Canadian football game tomorrow. The 
                         Ottawa Roughriders against the 
                         Vancouver Roughriders. It's at that 
                         game that I will officially turn the 
                         Canadian flag over to my Iranian 
                         one.

                                     CELINE DION
                         What? Why?!

                                     SADDAM
                         Hey, don't worry about that. Take a 
                         load off. Don't think about it. Look 
                         over here. All I need is for Celine 
                         Dion to sing our Iranian National 
                         Anthem at the game, to finalize my 
                         hostile takeover of Canada. What'dya 
                         say?

                                     UGLY BOB
                         Did you say hostile takeover of 
                         Canada?

                                     SADDAM
                         No, no, relax there, fella.

               EXT. CANADA - KARL'S KRAFT DINNER PALACE - DAY

               Terrance and Phillip are waiting in front of the Palace.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, Scott said to meet him here, 
                         but now he's not showing up.

               Phillip farts, they laugh.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Well, while we're waiting, why don't 
                         we search for treasure?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, good idea! Let's search for 
                         treasure!

               Terrance and Phillip again look around their immediate area 
               for treasure. But find none.

               Finally, Scott walks up.

                                     SCOTT
                         What are you idiots doing?

                                     TERRANCE
                         We're looking for treasure!

                                     SCOTT
                         Is that some kind of metaphor for a 
                         kind of search that can't be 
                         described?

               Terrance and Phillip think.

                                     PHILLIP
                         No... We're searching for treasure.

                                     SCOTT
                         Listen, I have an inside scoop. 
                         There's an Iraqi dictator who is 
                         quietly and slowly taking over Canada.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes, you mean Saddam Smelly. We saw 
                         him on the tele.

                                     SCOTT
                         Well, what are you two gonna do aboot 
                         it?

                                     PHILLIP
                         What do you mean?

                                     SCOTT
                         It's YOUR fault that he's here! YOU 
                         brought the Iraquis back with you on 
                         your plane when you rescued your 
                         kidnapped daughter.

               Terrance and Phillip GASP!

                                     PHILLIP
                         You mean WE are to blame?!

                                     SCOTT
                         That's right, and now you must make 
                         amends. Tomorrow Saddam will try to 
                         finalize his takeover of Canada at 
                         the Roughriders/Roughriders football 
                         game. All his soldiers will be there. 
                         It will be your only shot at wiping 
                         them all out. Here, take this.

                                     PHILLIP
                         What is it?

                                     SCOTT
                         It's a bomb. You must strap it to 
                         yourselves, go to the game, and 
                         sacrifice your lives to take out 
                         Saddam's minions.

                                     TERRANCE
                         That sounds scary.

                                     SCOTT
                         Well, you must do it, for Canada.

                                     PHILLIP
                         For Canada, Terrance.

                                     TERRANCE
                         For Canada, Phillip.

               Terrance and Phillip walk away, and Scott is left alone.

                                     SCOTT
                         Yes... Yes... Terrance and Phillip. 
                         And when the dust has settled, Canada 
                         will be rid of both the Iraqis... 
                         AND your immature fart humor!

               DRAMATIC MUSIC.

                                         ACT III

               INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Terrance and Phillip are sitting on their couch.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, Phillip I am very sad that we 
                         have to die for Canada.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes, this bomb will blow us both to 
                         smithereens. But we really have no 
                         choice. Only our deaths can bring 
                         Canada life.

               Terrance farts. They laugh.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Wait a minute... Terrance that fart 
                         gives me pause...

                                     TERRANCE
                         Why is that?

                                     PHILLIP
                         That smelly Saddam Hussein, he uses 
                         germ and chemical warfare, does he 
                         not?

                                     TERRANCE
                         Yes, apparently he does.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Terrance, get the phone book! We 
                         must call every Canadian we can!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, Phillip, it sounds like you have 
                         an idea.

                                     PHILLIP
                         I do Terrance
                              (picking up the phone)

               EXT. CANADIAN FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY

               We see the last play of the second quarter.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And the Roughriders are really giving 
                         the Roughriders a run for their money. 
                         All else aside, I must say the 
                         Roughriders are simply out matched 
                         by these Roughriders.

               The play ends. The clock runs out. The referee blows his 
               whistle.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And that's going to take us to 
                         halftime. Be sure to stick around 
                         for the halftime show, Saddam and 
                         the Electric Iraqi's in a salute to 
                         hostile takeovers.

               Terrance and Phillip are sitting in the stands.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Well, I guess it's time, old friend.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Yes... Prepare the alert!

               A lame marching band takes to the field. They are cheesy and 
               gay.

               A quick stage is made, where Saddam and his friends appear.

                                     SADDAM
                         Hello to my Canadian friends. 
                         Everybody relax, take a rest, put 
                         your feet up, those dogs are barking.

               The audience looks confused.

                                     SADDAM
                         You may have noticed some changes to 
                         your country. Don't worry about that, 
                         the changes will continue. I am here 
                         to announce once and for all --

               ZOOM IN on Saddam.

                                     SADDAM
                         THAT CANADA WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS NEW 
                         BAGHDAD! KOO LOOK KA LOOK!!

               Iraqi guards lower the Canadian flags and raise Iraqi flags 
               in their place.

               The audience GASPS!

                                     SADDAM
                         YOU WILL BOW DOWN TO ME AS YOUR 
                         RULER!! YOU WILL OBEY MY LAWS OR YOU 
                         WILL BE KILLED!!! HA HA HAAH HAA!!

               Celine Dion and Ugly Bob take the stage.

                                     SADDAM
                         AND NOW YOU WILL SING THE IRAQI 
                         NATIONAL ANTHEM -- OR YOU WILL BE 
                         STABBED IN HEAD!!!

               Celine walks up to the mic and starts to sing.

                                     CELINE DION
                              (sadly)
                         Shtood makalek svtdot inka inka 
                         broost...

               MUSIC starts. A guard puts the tip of his gun in Celine's 
               back and makes her take the stage.

                                     TERRANCE
                         Now, Phillip?

                                     PHILLIP
                         Now, Terrance!!

               Terrance and Phillip pull out gas masks. Terrance put a mighty 
               Canadian Horn to his lips.

               Terrance blows the horn. Brrr ba ba BRRR!!!!

               Suddenly, every audience member in the stadium puts on a gas 
               mask.

                                     SADDAM
                         What the hell is this?

                                     CELINE DION
                              (still singing)
                         barak a shtood, kalak a shtood...

               Now all the audience members, with their gas masks, bend 
               over and point their asses at the field.

               With one mighty ROAR all of the Canadians FART!! Blowing hot 
               noxious gas onto the Iraqis.

                                     SADDAM
                              (Choking)
                         NOOOO!!!!

                                     GUARD
                         They're using chemical warfare! How 
                         could they?!

               Just then Celine Dion and Ugly Bob put on their gas masks.

               They fart along with everyone else. Until the entire stadium 
               is one big smelly dust cloud.

               Terrance and Phillip, meanwhile, are laughing their asses 
               off at all the farts.

               Finally all the dust settles, the air clears, and we see 
               that all the Iraqis lie dead or near death on the field.

               All the Canadians remove their gas masks and celebrate by 
               cheering and jumping up and down.

                                     TERRANCE
                         WE DID IT, PHILLIP! WE'VE DESTROYED 
                         THE TURKS!!

                                     PHILLIP
                         OH GLORIOUS DAY!!

               Everybody happily takes to the field.

               Terrance and Celine Dion embrace. 'Don't you forget about 
               me' from the Breakfast Club starts to play.

                                     CELINE DION
                         Terrance! Terrance! You've saved 
                         Canada!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, it was all Phillip's idea!

                                     UGLY BOB
                         God bless you, Phillip.

                                     PHILLIP
                         Don't touch me, ugly Bob.

               Just then Scott walks up.

                                     SCOTT
                         What the hell happened! You were 
                         supposed to be blown up!

                                     PHILLIP
                         We came up with a better plan. You 
                         see Scott, after all your criticism 
                         it was farting that saved Canada!

                                     SCOTT
                         Oh! That is SO JUVENILE!!!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Scott, do you like apples?

                                     SCOTT
                         Of course.

               Terrance farts a huge wet one of Scott's head.

                                     TERRANCE
                         How do you like THEM apples?!

               Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

                                     SCOTT
                         I HATE YOU TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Oh, Celine Dion... You never finished 
                         that National Anthem.

                                     CELINE DION
                         You're right Terrance, You're right...

               Celine steps up to the mic and sings:

                                     CELINE DION
                         OH CANADA! OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND! 
                         TRUE PATRIOT LOVE IN ALL OUR SONS 
                         COMMAND!!

                                     EVERYONE
                         WITH GLOWING HEARTS WE SEE THE RISE 
                         OUR TRUE LOVE STRONG AND FREE. WITH 
                         GLOWING HEARTS OH CANADA WE STAND ON 
                         GUARD FOR THE. GOD KEEP OUR LAND 
                         GLORIOUS AND FREE OH CANADA WE STAND 
                         ON GUARD FOR THEE. OH CANADA WE STAND 
                         ON GUARD FOR THEE.

                                         THE END

Terrance & Phillip in Not Without My Anus



Writers :   Trisha Nixon  Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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