The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 615


                         "THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, night. A camera sits atop am ambulance transmiting 
               the action as the ambulance speeds down a street. It ends up 
               at Hall's Pass Hospital. The paramedics rush out and open the 
               cargo doors, quickly take Cartman out and whisk him into Emergency 
               while his mom remains seated anxiously inside the ambulance.]
 
               
                                     LIANE
                          Be careful with my baby.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, inside. The paramedics reach the nurses' 
               station and rush by]
 
                                     BLONDE NURSE
                         What have we got?

                                     PARAMEDIC 1
                          Not sure. It looks like a possible 
                         code five six!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Kenny. Can't have Kenny.

                                     LIANE
                          You're going to be okay, baby.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital, operating room. Emergency personnel whisk 
               Cartman into the room. Liane enters, but stays near the door]
 
               
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                          Five me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT. 
                         And get something for the kid, too.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Is he going to be okay??

                                     BRUNETE NURSE
                         Let the doctor do his work, ma'am. 
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, a few hours later. Cartman is now in one 
               of the recovery rooms with Liane at his side stroking him gently. 
               He's on a respirator for the time being. The doctor enters the 
               room slowly, but Liane notices and rises to meet him]
 
                                     LIANE
                         Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong 
                         with him?
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                          Why?? What's wrong with him??

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         It's his time. It's ...running out.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Well what does he need?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         He needs to have more time.

                                     LIANE
                         What can we do?

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Well, I suppose we could try a time 
                         transplant. I'll have to call in a specialist. 
                         
 
                                     LIANE
                          It's going to be okay, baby. We're 
                         going to get you more time.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey Kenny! God-damn you Kenny!

               [Chef's house, day. Stan and Kyle go up to the front door and 
               Kyle knocks. Chef opens up and sees them.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     STAN
                         Chef, Cartman is in the hospital. They 
                         think he might die.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, and, we don't know whether or 
                         not we should care.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well what's wrong with him?

                                     STAN
                         Well, nobody seems to know, but we think 
                         it's because he drank Kenny's soul four 
                         weeks ago.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman 
                         drank it, thinking it was chocolate 
                         milk mix.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Children, why didn't you tell me about 
                         this sooner?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well like we said, we didn't know whether 
                         or not we should care?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well you should. Cartman is your friend 
                         whether you like him or not! Now, come 
                         on! We've gotta get to that hospital!
 
                         
               [Hell's Pass Hospital, Cartman's recovery room. Dr. Doctor has 
               returned]
 
                                     LIANE
                         He's looking a little better today.
 
                         
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Yes, but his time is still getting weaker. 
                         It will give out soon unless we do something. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey you guys! How's it goin'?

                                     CHEF
                         Cartman?

                                     STAN
                         No, that's Kenny.

                                     CARTMAN
                          What the hell are you assholes doing 
                         here?!
 
                                     STAN
                         That's Cartman.

                                     CHEF
                          Oh my God! Eric, how long have you 
                         been channelin' Kenny?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, about a month.

                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         Let's not validate his delusions.

                                     CHEF
                         Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need 
                         to get free?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He's gone again.

                                     CHEF
                         Ms. Cartman, we need to get Cartman 
                         to a meeting room to speak with people 
                         who have crossed over.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         What?? That's preposterous! What this 
                         child needs is a time transplant!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         This hospital isn't gonna do any good. 
                         We need to take him to see John Edward.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hey, I've seen that guy. He has a TV 
                         show where he brings poeple on and talks 
                         to their dead relatives.
 
                                     CHEF
                         That's right. We have to go see him 
                         in New York.
 
                                     DR. DOCTOR
                         I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's 
                         time could give out at any minute. He 
                         needs to be kept here where his time 
                         could be monitored.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing 
                         roulette with my child's life!  Ooo 
                         wait, Hairspray is showing in New York, 
                         isn't it? Let's go there.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Good. You children need to come too. 
                         Eric needs all the support he can get 
                         right now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're gong to New York?

               [An airplane to New York, dawn. The plane is flying above the 
               clouds]
 
                                     FLIGHT ATTENDANT
                         Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York. 
                         We are happy to show you a feature film 
                         during the flight. In a moment we'll 
                         be showing a preview.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh cool. We get to watch a movie?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Awesome!

               [The preview]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Rob Shneider was an animal.  Then he 
                         was a woman.  And now Rob Schneider 
                         is...  a stapler.  And he's about to 
                         find out...  that being a stapler  is 
                         harder than it looks. Rob Schneider 
                         is... The Stapler.  Rated PG-13
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Weak!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ha-heheheh.  That was Kenny laughing, 
                         not me.
 
               [New York, the skyline. Chef, Liane, and the boys arrive at an 
               HBC studio for John Edward]
 
                                     CHEF
                         This must be the place.

                                     PAGE
                         Okay audience members, hi, welcome to 
                         the taping of the show.  It's all general 
                         seating in there, and just remember, 
                         Mr. Edward might not hear from the particular 
                         dead person you wanna talk to, so just... 
                         keep an open mind.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he will 
                         be able to help you.
 
               [John Edward's studio, show set. The seats are all filled up]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. 
 
                         
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Thank you, thank you. Alright let's 
                         get started.  'S coming from over here. 
                         'S the name Mike mean anything to anybody? 
                          I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike? 
                         Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt? Mike? 
                         Matt? Mi-mmm, Mi-Mike, m-Mary?
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Mary was my mother!

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Okay okay, and and she-she's she died?
 
                         
                                     MAN 1
                          Yes. Yeh-yes she did.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Okay, and she's telling me there's something 
                         about... the money. That the, the money 
                         is safe? Is that making sense? 
 
                                     MAN 1
                         M-mm-m. Not really.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Must be from somewhere else in the audience, 
                         then. Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el-
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uh, over here please?

                                     KYLE
                         We have a dead friend.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down boys. It 
                         doesn't work that way. Uh, okay, I I'm 
                         getting ...someone now whose name is 
                         g-, a t-. It's an l-, it's a m-, it's 
                         k-.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny!

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Kenny says hi.

                                     AUDIENCE MEMBERS
                         Wow!  wow...

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Okay, now I'm getting that Kenny ...died?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We told you that.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a 
                         good death. It was like a, it was a 
                         sad death. It was like a, it was like 
                         a death that made people sad. Does that 
                         make sense?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yee-yeah.

                                     AUDIENCE MEMBERS
                          Oh, wow, that's incredible! Wow!

                                     CHEF
                         Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask 
                         Kenny how we can get him out, please?
 
                         
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                          Doesn't work that way.  Now, Kenny 
                         is telling me that... you're his best 
                         friends, and he's in a ss-safe place.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body.
 
                         
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Ohh, there's somebody with him. Who's 
                         Kyle?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm Kyle.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Oh right. And uh, did an older woman 
                         pass, she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a 
                         grandma?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Yeah. My Grandma.  She's here?

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         She says there was something she asked 
                         you to do, and you're not doing it? 
                         She wants you to look for four white 
                         doves.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God!

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Oh now she's sending me a P word. Maybe 
                         it's a puh-? Or a huh-?
 
                                     WOMAN 1
                         My Harry died last year!

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Oh, it's comin' from over here.  I'm 
                         getting all kinds of voices today.  
                         Woo! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Heh hey wait a minute dude.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh 
                         well, he's saying that you two used 
                         to... do things.
 
                                     WOMAN 1
                          Mmm-hmm.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         And that those things involved... stuff?
 
                         
                                     WOMAN 1
                         The things did involve stuff, yes. 
 
                         
               [New York, outside John Edward's studio. Chef, Liane and the 
               boys exit. Kyle is missing]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Aw man, I can't believe I got fooled 
                         by that asshole!
 
                                     STAN
                         He seemed better on TV?

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah. They must edit his shows down 
                         on television to only show him getting 
                         mostly right answers.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Grandma's watching me. Always watching 
                         me.
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, you don't believe that guy talked 
                         to your grandma, do you? 
 
                                     LIANE
                         Eric?  It must be his time. I think 
                         it's running out!
 
                                     CHEF
                         We've got no choice. The only people 
                         I know now who might be able to help 
                         Eric are my parents. We'll have to take 
                         the next flight to Scotland.
 
               [New York Airport, day. The kids, Chef and Liane are ready for 
               their flights]
 
                                     CHEF
                          Okay children, this is your flight 
                         back to Colorado. Your parents are meeting 
                         you at the airport in Denver.
 
                                     STAN
                         We don't get to go to Scotland?

                                     LIANE
                         It's too far and your parents want you 
                         back home.
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh well. Good luck getting Kenny out 
                         of you, fatso.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thanks, asshole.

                                     CHEF
                         Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You 
                         children get right on that plane now.
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This is the final boarding annoucenment 
                         for Flight 342 to Denver.
 
                                     STAN
                          That's us. Come on.

                                     KYLE
                         Four white birds!

                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         There's four white birds!  This is what 
                         Grandma wants? She wants me to attend 
                         Jewleeard.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, you were going to see four white 
                         birds eventually.
 
                                     KYLE
                         So is it a coincidence that Grandma 
                         DID talk to me about going to Jewleeard 
                         someday?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yes. Now, come on. Our plane is gonna 
                         leave. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm not going back.

                                     STAN
                          What??

                                     KYLE
                         I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma 
                         proud!  Tell my parents I'll call them. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap! 

               [John Edward's estate, later. Stan arrives and goes to the front 
               door. Needless to say, he didn't get on the plane either. He 
               rings the bell and is greeted by the butler]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, uh, I need to talk to Mr. Edward, 
                         please.
 
                                     BUTLER
                         He doesn't do private readings.

                                     STAN
                         I'm not here for a reading, I just need 
                         to ask him something real quick.
 
                                     BUTLER
                         Alright, come on in. 

               [John Edward's estate, living room. Stan waits by the sofa]
 
               
                                     BUTLER
                         Just wait here. I'll go fetch him. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Jesus Christ.

                                     BUTLER
                          Here he is. 

                                     PRERECORDED VOICE
                         Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. 
 
                         
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Thank you, thank you.

                                     STAN
                         Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor. 
                         You, you did a reading on my best friend 
                         and uh, well you kind of messed him 
                         up.
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Oh.  The John Edward show is not liable 
                         for opinions and materials given for 
                         entertainment purposes only. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back 
                         home to Colorado. All I need you to 
                         do is just talk to him and tell him, 
                         you know, the whole talking to dead 
                         people isn't for real.
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Maybe it is for real.

                                     STAN
                         Right, but it's not. It's a trick you 
                         do and I need you to just let my friend 
                         Kyle know that so he can go on with 
                         his life.
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Look, people have the right to be skeptical. 
                         I really hear voices in my head.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. 
                         It's called "intuition." Get over yourself 
                         and tell my friend it's just for fun.
 
                         
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. 
                         I give people closure and help them 
                         cope with life.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, you give them false hope and a belief 
                         in something that isn't real.
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         But I'm a psychic.

                                     STAN
                         No dude, you're a douche.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         I'm not a douche! What if I really believe 
                         that dead people talk to me?
 
                                     STAN
                         Then you're a stupid douche

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         I think I've had of your bullying me! 
                         Get out of my house or I'll runs upstairs, 
                         lock myself in my panic room and call 
                         the police!
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm nine years old.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         I'm not talking to your friend and I'm 
                         not a douche!  You'd better get out 
                         of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the 
                         police! 
 
                                     STAN
                         You are so a douche! I'm nominating 
                         you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe 
                         award, you douche!  Son of a bitch. 
                         
 
               [An airplane to Scotland, day. The plane is flying above the 
               clouds. In the cabin, Cartman sits between Chef and Liane]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey Kenny! Shut up, Kenny! You shut 
                         up, fatass!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there 
                         soon.
 
                                     PILOT
                         Welcome aboard Scotland Air. Our trip 
                         to Edinburgh should take about twelve 
                         hours.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ!

                                     PILOT
                         In the meantime we'd like to show you 
                         a complimentary film.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, good. 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive 
                          With everything going for him.  Only 
                         problem is, he's about to become... 
                          a carrot!
 
                                     ROB SCHNEIDER
                         I'm a carrot!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         It's 24-carrot comedy. 

                                     ROB SCHNEIDER
                         Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Rob Schneider is a Carrot. Rated PG-13.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh for the love of Christ.  I wanna 
                         watch, fat boy!  No, Kenny, it's not 
                         funny!
 
               [The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle approaches the school. 
               Stan runs up to intercept him.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle! Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                         Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is 
                         what my grandma wants!
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, I went and saw that John Edward 
                         guy. He's just a big douche.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Kyle, you can't ruin your life based 
                         on what some douchey psychic said. They 
                         all just use a technique called "cold 
                         reading." They've used it for hundreds 
                         of years to make people believe them.
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                          Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, he's not.

                                     WOMAN 2
                         Yeah. My sister told me he knew our 
                         mother's name and when she died. 
 
                         
                                     CONSTRUCTION WORKER
                         John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he walked 
                         up to a guy on the street, and said 
                         his dead father wanted to say "Happy 
                         Birthday," and it WAS his birthday.
 
                         
                                     WOMAN 3
                         Yeah kid, how do you explain that?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Alright, look. I'll show you. I just 
                         need a volunteer. How about you?
 
                                     WOMAN 4
                         Oh-ho. Me? 

                                     STAN
                         Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a dead 
                         person is talking to me about you, okay?
 
                         
                                     WOMAN 4
                         Okay.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, watch, Kyle. Uh, it's an older 
                         man, someone very close to you.
 
                                     WOMAN 4
                         My father?

                                     STAN
                         Does this month, November, hold a special 
                         significance?
 
                                     WOMAN 4
                          My birthday's in November!

                                     STAN
                         Right, because he's saying, "Tell her 
                         'Happy Brithday.'"
 
                                     WOMAN 4
                         Oh my God.

                                     STAN
                         See, Kyle? I just started with something 
                         really vague. I chose an older man because 
                         I'm betting that, based on this woman's 
                         age, her father is most likely dead. 
                         But if her father wasn't dead, I could 
                         still say it was some other older man.
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                         Well then how'd you know her birthday 
                         was in November?
 
                                     STAN
                         I didn't. I just asked her if November 
                         meant anything. Her father could have 
                         died in November, or Thanksgiving could 
                         have been really special for them. But 
                         I go with the birthday and validate 
                         it now, as if I knew, by saying "He 
                         wishes you a Happy Birthday."
 
                                     WOMAN 4
                          What else does he say?

                                     STAN
                         Okay, I'll just use an old standard. 
                         He saying "the money. Stop worrying 
                         about the money."
 
                                     WOMAN 4
                          Oh my God! My sister and I have been 
                         fighting over his inheritance.
 
                                     WOMAN 3
                         That's amazing.

                                     STAN
                         No it isn't! When a father dies, inheritance 
                         is usually an issue, and money is something 
                         everyone worries about.
 
                                     MAN 3
                         That sounds a little too coincidental.
 
                         
                                     MAN 4
                         Yes. There's only one explanation. This 
                         kid can communicate with the dead!
 
                         
                                     ADULTS
                         Wow!

                                     STAN
                         What?! 

                                     MAN 2
                         Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother.
 
                         
                                     WOMAN 3
                         Can you try to reach my grandfather.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No wait.

                                     CONSTRUCTION WORKER
                         You have to tell me if my sister's in 
                         a good place. 
 
                                     MAN 5
                         Yeah, help me out too, 'k?

                                     MAN 6
                         I'm next. I'm next.

                                     MAN 7
                         Hey, get out of my way!

                                     MAN 8
                         Do me!

                                     SCOUT
                         Kid, how would you like your own talking 
                         to the dead show?
 
               [Scotland, day, highlands. Night falls. Chef, Liane and Cartman 
               arrive at the McElroy manor and Chef knocks on the door. Bagpipes 
               that were playing stop. Mr. McElroy, Chef's dad, answers the 
               door]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Hi Pop.

                                     THOMAS MCELROY
                         Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you 
                         now.
 
                                     CHEF
                         These are my friends, the Cartmans. 
                         
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Well come on in out of the cold now. 
                          There's heavy fog on the moors tonight. 
                          Well, look what the cat dragged in, 
                         Nelly.
 
                                     NELLY
                         Oh, my baby come home!

                                     CHEF
                         Hi, Momma! 

                                     NELLY
                         Lord, I thought you wasn't comin' till 
                         nine.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Please, call me Liane.

                                     NELLY
                         So nice to have you here, Liane.

                                     THOMAS
                         And is this the children you told us 
                         about?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.

                                     THOMAS
                         Well, let's see here now.  Mhm, mhm, 
                         mhm.  Yeup! There's definitely more 
                         than one children in there.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh dear.

                                     THOMAS
                         Nelly, you best have at it now.

                                     NELLY
                         Oh Lord, and I just put the roast in 
                         the oven, too.  Ain't gonna have no 
                         time now to baste it. Don't nobody blame 
                         me, a woman can't bake no roast and 
                         do everything else at the same time. 
                          Can't say that the roast is gonna be 
                         terrible, maybe just a little dry.  
                         But I suppose we can make some extra 
                         gravy to take the dryness out later. 
                         
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Alright, children, stand up on this 
                         chair now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right now?

                                     THOMAS
                         Yes, right now. 

                                     NELLY
                          Na kamaa karash meh nah- 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, whoa, watch it lady.

                                     NELLY
                         Come out now. Come out now.

                                     THOMAS
                         Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what 
                         she's doing.
 
                                     NELLY
                         You all come out of there now.

               ["The Other Side"]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         At a vary young age one young boy learned 
                         he had a special gift. This is "The 
                         Other Side." 
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, listen to me. Listen very carefully. 
                          This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? 
                         Watch. All I'm gonna do is say a name 
                         that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay? 
                          They want me to acknowledge Pete, or 
                         Peter.
 
                                     WOMAN 5
                          Yes! Yes, my Peter! 

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Wow!! 

                                     STAN
                         No! Stop clapping! All I did was pick 
                         a random name and wait for somebody 
                         in the audience to give a response. 
                         Now that I see that there's a lone woman 
                         crying, my instinct tells me Peter was 
                         her husband. So I say, "Peter was your 
                         husband?"
 
                                     WOMAN 5
                          Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter!

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Wow!! 

                                     WOMAN 6
                         Oh wow!

                                     STAN
                          Stop it! I didn't do anything!

                                     MAN 9
                          You knew Peter was dead!

                                     STAN
                          I didn't start by saying Peter is dead! 
                         I started by saying, "They want me to 
                         acknowledge Peter." That could have 
                         meant Peter was in the audience or that 
                         Peter was somebody's friend, or Peter 
                         had died. I couldn't be wrong, see? 
                         Now, I can look at this woman and see 
                         that she's fairly young, so odds are 
                         her husband was fairly young when he 
                         died. So I can say something like, "I'm 
                         getting that Peter's death was very 
                         untimely"
 
                                     WOMAN 6
                          Yes, it was.

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Wow!! 

                                     MAN 10
                         Amazing!

                                     WOMAN 7
                         Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Okay. Let's back up.  Not literally!
 
                         
               [McElroy manor, night. Nelly is still working on Cartman. He's 
               laying on a bed, and Chef's dad helps in the exorcism]
 
                                     THOMAS
                         In the name of all that is holy we command 
                         this spirit be set free!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ahh, Aahhhh! 

                                     THOMAS
                         There we go! We're gettin' somethin' 
                         now!
 
                                     NELLY
                         Come on out, spirit. Go!

                                     THOMAS
                         Come on out hyow! It's safe!  Here it 
                         comes! The spirit is comin' out hyuh! 
                         
 
                                     NELLY
                         Oooo, that's the potatoes. 

                                     THOMAS
                          Well hold on the potatoes two seconds, 
                         woman!  The soul's comin' out hyuh! 
                          It's almost done. Alright, son. Now 
                         bring me the victim child!
 
                                     CHEF
                         The victim child?

                                     THOMAS
                         Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice 
                         so we could Kenny's soul into its body. 
                         
 
                                     NELLY
                         Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim 
                         child.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Where were we gonna find a child to 
                         secrifice?
 
                                     NELLY
                         We weren't gonna ask you where you got 
                         it from. 
 
                                     THOMAS
                         God-damnit! The spirit's out and it 
                         don't have no where to go!
 
                                     NELLY
                         Lord, Thomas, don't let it get on the 
                         curtains.
 
               [Movie trailer. First scene is a disco dance floor. Rob Schneider 
               is dancing around like John Travolta]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Rob Schneider derp de derp.  Derp de 
                         derpity derpy derp.  Until one day, 
                         the derpa derpa derpaderp.  Derp de 
                         derp.  da teedily dumb.
 
                                     ROB SCHNEIDER
                          Whoa! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta 
                         Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is 
                         Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee 
                         Dumb. Rated PG-13.
 
               [The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle is studying. Stan approaches 
               him with a stack of papers]
 
                                     STAN
                         Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials 
                         on the Internet saying that John Edward 
                         has the entire studio wired to hear 
                         what people are talking about before 
                         the show. And, he pays actors to be 
                         plants in the audience.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're just jealous he's a better psychic 
                         than you.
 
                                     STAN
                         Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New 
                         York?! Then go ahead! 
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         So, you think you can talk to dead people 
                         better than me, huh?!
 
                                     STAN
                         No, I don't think either of us can. 
                         
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         They told me your show is getting better 
                         ratings than mine, that you're saying 
                         I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better 
                         not ever call me a liar, or a fake, 
                         or a douche again, or else I'll sue 
                         you for slander!
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm saying this to you, John Edward, 
                         you are a liar, you are a fake, and 
                         you are the biggest douche ever!
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Everything I tell people is positive 
                         and gives them hope! How does that make 
                         me a douche?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Because the big questions in life are 
                         tough: Why are we here? Where are we 
                         from? Where are we going? But if people 
                         believe in asshole douchey liars like 
                         you, we're never gonna find the real 
                         answer to those questions. You aren't 
                         just lying, you're slowing down the 
                         progress of all mankind, you douche!
 
                         
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge you 
                         to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to 
                         the world that I'm psychic and you're 
                         not!
 
                                     STAN
                         Fine, douche! 

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         I'm not a douche 

               [The McElroy manor, night. Kenny's spirit is now in the living 
               room flitting about. Thomas enters with a broom, swinging it 
               around to capture it somehow]
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Well come on, the soul's in here! It 
                         can't escape now.  It's goin' to the 
                         light! Unfortunately, it's the livin' 
                         room light.
 
                                     NELLY
                         I'll open a window, you try to chase 
                         it out, Thomas.
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Go on now, soul now!

                                     NELLY
                         Here, spirit, come out the window.  
                         I'll give you tree-fiddy. 
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Now don't go offerin' the soul no tree-fiddy, 
                         woman!
 
                                     NELLY
                         I'm just tryin' to persuade it.

                                     THOMAS
                         Well I know, but you can at least start 
                         at about two quarter or somethin'  Aw 
                         Christmas, there it goes again!
 
                                     NELLY
                          It's headin' for the kitchen! Aw, Thomas, 
                         the pot roast! 
 
               [The McElroy manor, kitchen. Kenny's spirit flits in and bounces 
               around the kitchen. The adults enter, hot on its trail]
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Over here!

                                     LIANE
                         Get it down.

                                     NELLY
                         Don't let it get in the roast! 

                                     THOMAS
                         Oh. Well. I guess the child's a pot 
                         roast now.
 
                                     CHEF
                         What do we do with it now?

                                     NELLY
                          Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic 
                         wrap so you can take it home with ya. 
                         Should last a few months in the freezer. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, ah I feel a lot better.

                                     CHEF
                         Eric, you're okay! 

                                     LIANE
                         Oh, baby, your time is back!

                                     NELLY
                          This child is clean.

               [The John Edward studio]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Psychic 
                         Showdown." Here are John Edward, and 
                         Stan Marsh. 
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Thank you.  Alright, asshole! I know 
                         you're here to try to throw me off, 
                         so go ahead. Give my yoru best shot!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, I don't wanna talk to you. I wanna 
                         talk to the audience.
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Wah-why?

                                     STAN
                         You see, I learned something today. 
                         At first I thought you were all stupid, 
                         listening to this douche's advice, but 
                         now I understand that you're all here 
                         because you're scared. You're scared 
                         of death and he offers you some kind 
                         of understanding. You all want to believe 
                         in it so much, I know you do. You find 
                         comfort in the thought that your loved 
                         ones are floating around trying to talk 
                         to you, but thnk about it: Is that really 
                         what you want? To just be floating around 
                         after you die, having to talk to this 
                         asshole?  We need to recognize this 
                         stuff for what it is: magic tricks. 
                         Because whatever's really going on in 
                         life and in death is much more amazing 
                         than this douche. 
 
                                     AUDIENCE MEMBERS
                         Yes. Right. Yeah. 

                                     KYLE
                          You're right, Stan. My Grandma isn't 
                         floating around, judging me and watching 
                         what I do. She's dead. Dead and gone 
                         forever.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         But I do have a special power! I know 
                         I do!
 
                                     STAN
                         There's nothing special about you, dude. 
                         Get over yourself.
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         God-damnit, I'm special!! 

                                     MAN 11
                         What the?

                                     WOMAN 8
                         Aaaah! 

                                     LEAD ALIEN
                          Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy.  
                         We seek the great John Edward.
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         Why that... that's me!

                                     LEAD ALIEN
                         Sir, it is an honor to meet you. 

                                     JOHN EDWARD
                          Well, thank you very much! 

                                     STAN
                         No, it can't be.

                                     LEAD ALIEN
                         I am Quagmar, and this is the Intergalactic 
                         BDIU Committee. Mr. Edward, it is my 
                         honor to inform you that you have been 
                         nominated for Biggest Douche In the 
                         Universe! 
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         What?!

                                     ALIEN 2
                          You are the first nominee from the 
                         Milky Way Galaxy.
 
                                     ALIEN 3
                          Congratulations!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, dude! 

                                     ALIEN 2
                         If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll 
                         give you a first-class ride to the awards 
                         show. 
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         No, wait! I'm not a douche! I make people 
                         feel good about themselves!  I give 
                         people resolution! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Now do you people believe me?

                                     MASN 12
                         Well I don't know. How did Edward know 
                         my father died in March?
 
               [Denver International Airport, day. Cartman, Liane, and Chef 
               exit the airport]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God-damnit that was a long flight! I 
                         thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass 
                         smelly Scotland!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh it's so good to have you acting like 
                         yourself again, sweetie.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, come on. We'd better get Kenny 
                         back to his parents. Wait a minute. 
                         Who's got the pot roast?
 
                                     LIANE
                         I thought you got it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's still in baggage claims!

                                     CHEF
                         Aw, damnit! Come on!  We've gotta find 
                         him! Kenny!
 
               [Commercial]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular 
                         comedic actor  who seemed to have it 
                         all,  until one day, he came across 
                         a pot roast,  and his life changed forever. 
                          Now he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old 
                         boy.  And he's about to find out  that 
                         being eight  ain't so great.  Rob Schneider 
                         is KENNY!  Rated PG-13.
 
               [Somewhere in space...]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Live, from the space station Xion, in 
                         the Vuntlin Galaxy. It's the Biggest 
                         Douche In the Universe Award! 
 
                                     LION-HEAD ALIEN
                         This year's nominees are...

                                     BEE ALIEN
                          Quaglar the Desctructor, Andromeda 
                         Galaxy, Planet J-11 
 
                                     LION-HEAD ALIEN
                         Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax Galaxy, Planet 
                         Neeu. 
 
                                     DAMANTA UNIT 5
                         Derrr. 

                                     BEE ALIEN
                         John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet 
                         Earth. 
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                         I'm not a douche!

                                     LION-HEAD ALIEN
                         And finally, Ursula, the giant douche 
                          from the Horsehead Nebula, Station 
                         J-12.
 
                                     BEE ALIEN
                         And the winner for Biggest Douche In 
                         the Universe is...  It's John Edward, 
                         Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!
 
                                     JOHN EDWARD
                          Uh no, come on now! 

                                     FRANKENSTEIN ALIEN
                         Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the 
                         Universe! In all the galaxies, there's 
                         no bigger douche than you!
 
               You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom! Good going, 
               douche. Your dreams have come true!
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Da derpa derpa derpaderp. Da Derp Dee 
                         Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb
 
                         
               THE END

The Biggest Douche In The Universe



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy