"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 906
"THE DEATH OF ERIC CARTMAN"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Stan's house, night. The boys are in the kitchen at the breakfast
table anticipating something. Next to Kenny is a stack of dishes]
STAN
Dude, where is she? We can't wait.
KYLE
God, this is gonna be sooo yummy.
CARTMAN
Stan, you said your mom was bringing
Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner!
Now is she or isn't she?!
SHARON
Hi boys.
STAN
Mom!
KYLE
She's here!
CARTMAN
She's got Colonel!
KYLE
I want some!
CARTMAN
Oh boy!
STAN
I want a breast!
CARTMAN
Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy?
SHARON
Uuh uh uh, not so fast. You boys can
help bring in the other groceries in
the car, then have your chicken.
THE BOYS
Awww!
STAN
But Mom, we've been waiting for hours!
SHARON
It won't take a minute.
CARTMAN
Come on guys. If we all help out, we
can do it super-fast.
STAN
All right.
KYLE
Let's go. Oh my God, that smells good.
STAN
Okay, this is everything, mom.
KYLE
All right, let's eat Colonel!
STAN
Oh boy! Cartman, you ate the skin off
of every piece of chicken!
CARTMAN
Well, I saved you all the chicken part.
KYLE
The skin's the best part...
CARTMAN
Well, I gotta go home, guys. I'm gonna
sit on the toilet and read comic books.
See you at the bus stop tomorrow.
[The next morning the boys are waiting at the bus stop. Cartman
hasn't arrived]
STAN
I can't believe that fat asshole!
KYLE
You can't believe it?? He does this
shit all the time!
STAN
Well this time he's gone too far!
KENNY
(Yeah, fuck him!)
STAN
Why do we even hang out with him, anyway?
KYLE
Hello?? I've been saying this for years!
STAN
Well it's not like we're nice to him.
I mean, we rip on him all the time!
KYLE
Yes, but he thrives on that.
STAN
All right. Then let's just ignore him.
From now on, let's not talk to him,
let's not even acknowledge him.
KENNY
(Fuck yeah!)
KYLE
That sounds great!
CARTMAN
Hey fags, what's going on? Dude, I
was on the toilet all night from that
chicken. I thought I was gonna die.
KYLE
Do any of you guys have milk money I
can borrow?
STAN
I think I have extra.
CARTMAN
Oh wow, a Jew asking for money! There's
a new one. Yuh, you guys know why Jews
have glassy eyes?
STAN
Here you go.
KYLE
Thanks.
CARTMAN
Dude, Stan, yuh you know why Jews have
glassy eyes? Like Kyle? Eh. K-Kenny,
you see that chick on the news that
had her left titty cut off? Kenny?
Kenny?? Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric!
Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty
cents? Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm
right here! Wha...? How did...? Like
they couldn't see or hear me. It's almost
as if I were... dead. No. No, I can't
be dead. I can't be dead!!
[The Cartman house, later. A plumber has come to visit, and he's
in the living room talking to Mrs. Cartman. Two other plumbers
are carrying away a box]
BLACK PLUMBER
All right, ma'am. We've got your new
toilet installed and we'll haul away
the old one away for ya.
LIANE
Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh, just
don't know how to thank you.
BLACK PLUMBER
Hunh, I could think of a few ways, hunh.
LIANE
Ohoho, nhn.
[Cartman runs back home, but he stops in his tracks before he
reaches the front door. He sees the two men carrying the box
away and he fears the worst]
CARTMAN
No! No!!
FAT PLUMBER
What happened? Did they say?
THIN PLUMBER
Apparently there was so much chicken
skin in the system it just ruptured
the insides.
FAT PLUMBER
Aww, that's tragic.
CARTMAN
Oh my God, this can't be happening!
Mom? Mom's crying? Oh God, it is true!
Oh, it's not fair! Why??? Why???
[The Playground, recess]
JIMMY
Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman?
STAN
Cartman isn't our friend anymore.
KYLE
We're ignoring him.
TOKEN
Ignoring him? How come?
KYLE
Beause he's a fat racist self-centered
intolerant manipulating sociopath!
TOKEN
Oh yeah.
CRAIG
Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore
him with you?
BLOND
Yeah.
KEVIN
Me too.
OTHER BOYS
Yeah, screw him! Yeah.
CLYDE
I never realized ignoring him was an
option.
CARTMAN
Guys! Guys? Can anybody hear me? You
guys?? Token, Token, I'm here! Hello!
Hello! Hello! Clyde, can't you feel
me? Feel me, Clyde! Jimmy! Jimmy,
it's me, Eric! Jimmy! Can't you feel
your hair move?! That's me! They don't
even know yet, that one of their best
friends is dead. Dead and... still
wandering the earth a lost soul.
[Downtown, later. He wanders the streets of the town sobbing,
and no one turns to see what's wrong, until...]
WOMAN
What is that kid doing?
MAN
Ah I don't know, just ignore him.
[A blazing sunset over a bridge. Cartman's wails have gotten
deeper, more emotional]
[Night time, under a full moon, Cartman walks past a farm house.
Nearby are a scarecrow and a few pumpkins]
[Next day, Butter's house. He's shoveling snow off the sidewalk
to the front door]
BUTTERS
Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu
lu, yuu've got some too-
CARTMAN
What did I do to deserve this?! How
can my own God forsake me?! Am I doomed
to wander the Earth alone for all eternity?!
BUTTERS
Hey Eric!
CARTMAN
...What did you say?
BUTTERS
Huh I just said, "Hey Eric!"
CARTMAN
Butters... Butters! You can see me??
BUTTERS
Well, sure I can see you.
CARTMAN
Oh my God, and you can hear me??
BUTTERS
Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be
able to hear you?
CARTMAN
Because, Butters, I'm... dead.
BUTTERS
HAAA!
CARTMAN
Butters! Butters, I just want to talk
to you!
BUTTERS
You died?? How??
CARTMAN
I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it
blew out my insides.
BUTTERS
But if you're d-dead, how come I can
see you?
CARTMAN
I don't know, but you're the only one
who can.
BUTTERS
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
CARTMAN
Butters! Butters, Goddamnit, I need
your help!
[The Stotch kitchen. Linda is cleaning the sink and humming to
herself. She reaches down below the sink and opens the doors.
Butters is hiding there.]
LINDA
Butters, what on earth are you doing??
BUTTERS
Well I think... I'm like the kid in
that movie! I-I'm seeing dead people!
LINDA
Dead people?
STEPHEN
Who's seeing dead people?
BUTTERS
Me! I saw a ghost!
STEPHEN
Now, Butters, there's no such thing
as ghosts.
BUTTERS
But I saw him! Just as plain as I'm
seein' you right now!
STEPHEN
Butters, these things happen all the
time. You've got a very active little
brain and your mind was just playing
tricks on you.
BUTTERS
Ruh, really?
STEPHEN
Yeess.
BUTTERS
So... so it was just... it was... just
my ima... magination then?
STEPHEN
That's right. There's no reason to be
afraid of things that aren't real. There's
plenty of real things to be scared of.
Like super-AIDS.
BUTTERS
Huh s-s-super-AIDS?
STEPHEN
That's right. A new form of AIDS which
is resistant to drugs. Just one teaspoon
of super-AIDS in your butt and you're
dead in three years.
BUTTERS
AAAH! Oh Jesus.
STEPHEN
So now you feel better? Ghosts don't
exist and there's nothing to be afraid
of. Except the super-AIDS.
[Night time at Butters' house. The sky is clear, but lightning
bolts come out of nowhere and just as quickly disappear. Butters
is in his bed looking out at the stormy sky and can't get to
sleep.]
BUTTERS
Nuh-nothing to be scared of. Jus, just
some lightning and thunder. Gah! Wasn't
nothin' neither. J-just a muhouse.
CARTMAN
Butters...
BUTTERS
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
CARTMAN
Butters, you have to help me!
BUTTERS
Go away! You aren't real!
CARTMAN
All right, Butters, you leave me no
choice.
BUTTERS
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
STEPHEN
Butters, what is going on?!
BUTTERS
Well it's all... Well he was... Nothin'
I I just had a nightmare.
STEPHEN
Well you'd better stop having nightmares
or eles you're gonna be grounded!
BUTTERS
Y yes, yes sir.
CARTMAN
Butters.
BUTTERS
AH-
CARTMAN
Butters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your
imagination! I'm dead and for some reason
you can see me!
BUTTERS
But I don't want to see you!
CARTMAN
Get a hold of yourself! I'm the one
who died! And for some reason, my spirit
is trapped here on Earth. I can't find
the passage to Heaven.
BUTTERS
Well... how do you know you're supposed
to go to Heaven?
CARTMAN
What do you mean?
BUTTERS
Well... how do you know you're not supposed
to go to... you know... Heck.
CARTMAN
I'm not going to Heck, Butters! I'm
not black, all right?!
BUTTERS
Oh.
CARTMAN
Now look: I thnk the reason my soul
is still here is because I need closure
with all my friends and loved one. I
can say my final goodbyes to them through
you.
BUTTERS
I can't. Ahah I have school tomorrow.
CARTMAN
This is your problem, Butters! Either
you help me, or I will haunt you for
the rest of your life!
BUTTERS
Helll- Uh all right. All right, I'll
help you!
[Dawn, the next day. Butters and Cartman approach Cartman's house.
Liane is in the kitchen using a cookie cutter to cut out heart-shaped
cookies. Butters and Cartman enter the kitchen. Cartman is sobbing
into a small towel.]
BUTTERS
Mrs. Cartman?
LIANE
Yes? Oh hi.
BUTTERS
This is going to seem very strange and,
and you may not believe me, but, well,
your son wanted me to tell you something.
LIANE
Oh, what is it?
CARTMAN
Tell her, tell her that I love her.
BUTTERS
He says, he love you.
LIANE
Oh, that's so nice.
CARTMAN
Tell her, tell her that I wish... I
wish I would have been a better son
sometimes!
BUTTERS
He wishes he would have been a better
son sometimes.
CARTMAN
It's just that, it's just that I got
so caught up with the rat race of life
tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes...
took my family for granted!
BUTTERS
He he got caught, he got caught up in
the rat race of, of taking things for
granted.
LIANE
Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, I love you
too, poopiekins!
[The Broflovski house. Butters and Cartman approach it first
and ring the bell. Kyle comes to answer it]
BUTTERS
Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's,
he's sorry for all the times he made
fun of you being a no-good stinking
Jew. He's asking for your forgiveness.
And and he wants you to just remember
the good times.
CARTMAN
Just the good times.
KYLE
There were no good times! And if he
really feels bad he can just tell me
himself!
CARTMAN
I can't! Don't you understand?!
BUTTERS
He can't! Don't you understand?!
CARTMAN
God forgave the Jews, you should be
able to forgive me!
BUTTERS
God forgave the Jews, you should be
able to forgive him!
CARTMAN
All right, come on, Butters, we gotta
go tell Token I'm sorry for rippin'
on him for bein' black.
BUTTERS
Uhh all right then.
[Kyle's living room. Stan and Kenny are playing a board game
on the living room floor. Kyle enters and approaches them]
STAN
Who was that?
KYLE
It was Cartman having Butters apologize
for him.
STAN
Dude, he did that to me this morning.
KENNY
(Me too.)
KYLE
He probably thinks if he apologizes
to everyone, we'll think he's changed
and let him back into our circle.
KENNY
(That guy would try anything)
STAN
Yeah, we know better than to think that.
[Butters and Cartman walk down a sidewalk, with Cartman checking
off more names on his notepad.]
CARTMAN
Okay, that takes care of Token, Clyde,
and Mr. Kitty. That's eveyone, I guess.
All that leaves is you, Butters. Butters,
I'm sorry if I ever did anything to
hurt you.
BUTTERS
Aww, that's okay, Eric.
CARTMAN
Well, it's all done. My soul is at
peace. I think... I can go now.
BUTTERS
So I won't see you again?
CARTMAN
Don't be sad, Butters. What awaits each
person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine
rest, and ten thousand dollars cash.
BUTTERS
Wow.
CARTMAN
G'bye Butters. I'm goin' to a better
place. Perhaps I'll see you again sometime!
Good-bye!!
BUTTERS
Yeh you're still here.
CARTMAN
Goddamnit, what the fuck is going on?
BUTTERS
Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't
enough.
CARTMAN
What else do I have to do?!
BUTTERS
Well, well, you know, the preacher says
that before your soul can be at peace,
sometimes, you have to atone for something
bad you did.
CARTMAN
Atone?
BUTTERS
Did you ever do anything really bad?
CARTMAN
Not really...
[In Butters' bedroom, later]
CARTMAN
Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's
fence and never told him about it.
BUTTERS
Broke fence...
CARTMAN
I took a crap in the principal's purse...
seven times. Then there was the time
I convinced a woman to have an abortion
so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza.
I pretended to be retarded and joined
the Special Olympics. I tried to have
all the Jew exterminated last spring.
Uuh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid
whose parents I had killed and then
made into chili which I fed to the kid.
BUTTERS
Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to
atone for.
CARTMAN
Really?
BUTTERS
Really. I mean, honestly, I don't know
how you're gonna make up for all this.
CARTMAN
I know how.
[Moments later Cartman's hands are shown placing fruits inside
a basket, a pair os scissors cutting away at a thick transparent
plastic sheet, then the whole basket sealed with a bow. He and
Butters grin at the accomplishment. Behind them are some more
baskets roady to go. The first basket goes to Principal Victoria.
The second goes to Ms. Claridge. The third goes to the rabbi
at the synagogue. The congregation there is surprised. The fourth
goes to Scott Tenorman, who's sobbing at his parents' graves.
Butters and Cartman walk to their next desitnation with another
basket as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look on from across the street.
They deliver that basket to the abortion clinic. He records the
song below, with Butters and a recording engineer in the booth.
Next, he and Butters are repairing Mr. Anderson's fence. Cartman
hammers the new boards in place as Butters removes the damaged
boards. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny appear and watch. Kyle angrily
rejects what he's seeing and they walk away. Cartman and Butters
then go to the Special Olympics stadium and present a basket
to the coordinators. They leave a basket at Sally Struther's
door. They're then back in Butters' bedroom and Butters marks
off the last atonement.]
ERIC CARTMAN
I'm gonna make, make it right.
I'm gonna take a little time and set things right.
Make, make it right.
I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.
It feels so good to be making up
For all the things I've done wrong.
I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven
Wanted from me all along.
All along, I'm gonna make, make it right.
'Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.
Not faking it, I'm making it right.
I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.
Make, make it right!
Make, make it right!
Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight!
CARTMAN
Well, there's everything, Butters.
I've made everything right.
BUTTERS
Does this mean... you have to go now?
CARTMAN
Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at
peace. It's time for me to leave. Goodbye
Butters! Thanks for all your help! Be
good and be safe. Goodbye... Goddamnit,
what?! I've made everything right!
BUTTERS
Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul is
stuck here for a different reason.
CARTMAN
I want my eternal bliss! Do you think
this is funny, God?! Do you think this
is funny,..?
BUTTERS
Eric! Calm down. Stupid butthole God!
STEPHEN
Butters! What have you done?!
BUTTERS
Ih ih it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost!
LINDA
Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should
ground him or call a doctor.
STEPHEN
No, I think you'd better call a doctor.
I'll ground him.
[Butters' house, later. Stephen holds Linda as the doctor on
house call leaves Butters' bedroom]
LINDA
What do you think, Doctor?
DOCTOR
Your son is suffering from severe dementia.
He claims that the ghost of a dead friend
talks to him. This is usually a sign
of schizophrenia brought on by some
tragic event in the child's past. I
think it's best that we take him to
the mental center and do some tests.
LINDA
Oh no. NO!
[South Park Institute for Mental Health, day. In the operating
room, Butters is wheeled into play on a gurney, face up]
DOCTOR
All right, Butters, just try to relax.
Doin' just fine, Butters. Just stay
perfectly still now, Butters.
BUTTERS
Lu lu lu, lu lu lu
DOCTOR
Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch
now, Butters. Don't worry, Mr. Stotch.
Whatever traumatized yoru son in his
past, we'll find it.
[Butters' recovery room, later. The doctor and Butters' parents
are at bedside]
DOCTOR
Well, after fourteen hours of testing,
I can say Butters is definitely suffering
from aggravated repressied memory syndrome.
You see, Butters, when the brain wants
to cover something up, it makes up images
and sounds for you to hear.
BUTTERS
So... the ghost was in my head. The
whole time.
STEPHEN
Now do you believe us, Butters?
BUTTERS
Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you.
DOCTOR
Good. We're making a lot of headway.
We'll do some more testing tomorrow.
All right, folks. Let's let Butters
get some rest.
LINDA
Goodnight, baby.
BUTTERS
Ahhh.
CARTMAN
Butters.
BUTTERS
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
CARTMAN
Don't worry, Butters, I'm gonna get
you out of here.
BUTTERS
Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom
is really sore.
CARTMAN
I found the woman you need to talk to
for me. Look! Doctor Lindsay, expert
in the paranormal. She can tell us what
to do!
BUTTERS
Eric, ye-you're just an image in my
head brought on by a traumatic event.
CARTMAN
She's gonna close soon! Come on!
BUTTERS
Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain!
[The psychic's house. The doorbell rings. She's watching television,
but she gets up to answer the door. Cartman and Butters are there]
BUTTERS
Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you?
PSYCHIC
Certainly. Come in. Have a seat and
tell me what it is you seek.
BUTTERS
Well, there's this ghost, see? Only
it probably isn't a ghost, ih-it's just
a delusion brought on by my trauma.
Well I'm supposed to heh, help him,
find out why his spirit is wanderin'
the Earth, even though I know that I'm
most likely just completely insane.
PSYCHIC
Well, many times, the reason that the
sould stays Earth-bound is because God
is intending to use that soul for a
divine purpose, to help prevent an impending
tragic event.
BUTTERS
Of course. That's it, Butters! We had
it wrong all the time!
PSYCHIC
But now, you shouldn't think you're
crazy, young man. I see ghosts all the
time.
BUTTERS
Really?
PSYCHIC
Yes. When's the last time you saw yours?
BUTTERS
Well, he's sittin' next to me right
now.
PSYCHIC
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
BUTTERS
Hey, I think she could see you too.
You really are a ghost.
CARTMAN
I told you, Butters.
ANNOUNCER
This is breaking news!
ANCHOR TOM
A tragic event is unfolding in South
Park. Three convicted murderers have
escaped from jail and are holding twelve
people at the Red Cross!
REPORTER CHRIS
Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested
when they ran inside the Red Cross behind
me, and threatened to kill all the workers
inside. The violent men are demanding
a helicopter and two hundred thousand
dollars cash.
CARTMAN
Oh my God, this is it, Butters. This
is what I'm here to stop. Come on, Butters.
This psychic boy and his ghost pal are
going to save the day!
[The Red Cross, later that night. A crowd has gathered and the
police try to control the crowd]
OFFICER
Stay back, people!
MAN
Stay back?! Hell, my wife and child
are in there!
DET. YATES
Stay calm in there. We don't want anybody
getting hurt.
LEAD CONVICT
You get us a helicopter and two hundred
thousand dollars or these people start
dyin', man!
[The Red Cross, outside. Butters and Cartman sneak past the police
barricade]
CARTMAN
All right, Butters, I'm going in alone,
first. Give me thirty seconds in there,
and then you go in and free the hostiages.
BUTTERS
Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me.
CARTMAN
Don't worry. I have a plan.
BUTTERS
Eric. Well, be careful, ghost pal.
CARTMAN
They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already
dead.
DET. YATES
What the hell is that kid doing?
[The Red Cross, inside. The convicts look out through the Venetian
blinds]
BALD CONVICT
Somebody's comin' in!
CONVICT 2
It's just some little fat kid.
BALD CONVICT
What the hell is going on?
CONVICT 2
I have no idea.
CARTMAN
Yes, it's working!
LEAD CONVICT
This is really weird.
[The Red Cross, outside.]
REPORTER CHRIS
An incredible development here, Tom.
Two little boys have fearlessly gone
inside the Red Cross.
[Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch the news]
STAN
Cartman?
[The Red Cross, inside. Cartman swings two cowbells up and down.
Butters has left the door open]
BALD CONVICT
I'm so confused!
BUTTERS
Hurry. Go, go!
OFFICER 2
The hostages are clear!
DET. YATES
All right, move in!
CONVICT 2
The hostages are gone!
BALD CONVICT
What?! Son of a bitch.
REPORTER CHRIS
Tom, an incredible story of courage.
Two little boys, armed only with the
weapon of confusion, managed to go in
and save the Red Cross. Nobody seems
to know who the boys are or where they
went off to, but they are heroes.
[The field across from the Red Cross. Cartman is about to take
his leave for the third time]
CARTMAN
Well, we did it, Butters. We saved the
day.
BUTTERS
Boy, we sure did.
CARTMAN
My spirit is at rest now. I can finally
go to everlasting peace, eternal rest,
and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters,
I think that, through this whole thing,
we've really become friends.
BUTTERS
Yeah. Uh I feel that way too.
CARTMAN
We both, kind of needed each other and...
well... I'm gonna miss you.
BUTTERS
I'll miss you too, ghost pal.
CARTMAN
Goodbye Buttters. I must be going now.
I'll be looking down on you from time
to time. Have a long, fulfilling life,
Butters! Goodbyyye!
STAN
Hey Cartman, that was really cool what
you did.
CLYDE
Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring
you now.
KYLE
We didn't think that by pretending you
didn't exist, you would really change,
but you really have.
STAN
Well, anyway, we just wanna let you
know. Talk to you tomorrow.
JIMMY
Yeah. S-see ya, Eric.
CARTMAN
You sonofabitch Butters!
BUTTERS
Huh?
CARTMAN
You told me I was a ghost!
BUTTERS
Huh but I thought you were one!
CARTMAN
How stupid are you?! So help me GOD
Butters, I'm gonna get you back for
this! I'm going to GET YOU BACK!
STEPHEN
Butters?!
BUTTERS
Oh Hamburgers.
THE END
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