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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 511


                                     "THE ENTITY"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Denver International Airport, day. Inside the terminal people 
               are in long lines waiting to get their tickets or get on a plane. 
               Mr. Garrison waits in line to have his bags scanned.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Jesus Christ, these lines are ridiculous! 
                         I'm gonna miss my flight!  E- Excuse 
                         me, there are two other security checkpoints. 
                         Why can't you open those, too?
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Uh I don't know nothin'.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         But you work for the-  uh, God-damnit!!
 
                         
                                     VOICE
                          Snooty Airlines announces the arrival 
                         of flight 239 from Connecticut.
 
               [The Broflovskis stand in front of a perfume shop]

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         That's your cousin's flight, Kyle. Hold 
                         the sign up nice and high so he can 
                         find us.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's he look like?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         He's your age and about your height.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I'm stoked my cousin is comin' to live 
                         with us. It'll be just like having a 
                         brother. 
 
                                     IKE
                         I todd a nurra

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, there he is.  Over here, Kyle! 
 
                         
                                     BOY
                         Hello, Aunt Sheila.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         How was your flight? 

                                     BOY
                         :	Oh, it was terrible. They they recycled 
                         the air on board and it really did a 
                         number on my asthma. I-I-e-I asked them 
                         to turn up the oxygen and they wouldn't. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         You rememer uncle Gerry.

                                     BOY
                         :	Hi, Uncle Gerry.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         :	 And these are your cousin, Ike and 
                         Kyle
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey dude.

                                     BOY
                         It's nice to meet you.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Let's get down to the baggage claim, 
                         Kyle. 
 
                                     BOTH BOYS
                         Okay:

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Oooh, that's right! We've got two Kyles 
                         now. We'll just call you  Kyle, and 
                         you can be Kyle...  Two! 
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Cool. 

               [Ticket counter. Mr. Garrison's turn has come up and he approaches 
               the counter]
 
                                     CLERK
                          Next?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, I feel like I've run a marathon. 
                         
 
                                     CLERK
                          Mmmokay, the 2:30 flight to Cheyenne 
                         has boarded. Looks like you didn't make 
                         it.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What? Well of course I didn't make it. 
                         The line to check in was two hours long, 
                         and the security line was two hours 
                         more!
 
                                     CLERK
                         Nnnyeah, no problem, though. We'll get 
                         you on the 7 a.m. flight tomorrow morning.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I can't go tomorrow, the Jizzfest is 
                         tonight!
 
                                     CLERK
                          Would you like a window or an aisle 
                         seat?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         This is unbelievable! You know, I seem 
                         to remember when the airlines said, 
                         "We need a 15 billion dollar bailout 
                         from the taxpayers-"!
 
                                     CLERK
                         Mmokay, and have any of your personal 
                         items been out of your possession since 
                         you left?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Well we gave them the 15 billion dollar 
                         bailout and they fired their employees 
                         anyway! So now we have three people 
                         to clear 400 passengers!
 
                                     MAN
                         Hey,he's right!

                                     PEOPLE
                         YEAH!

                                     CLERK
                         Okay, and bags have been with you at 
                         all times?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         So where did that money go? I'll tell 
                         you where it went: it went into the 
                         pockets of the preseidents and CEOs 
                         of the airlines, so they can keep their 
                         miltimillion dollar salaries!
 
                                     PEOPLE
                         YEAH!

                                     CLERK
                          And here's your boarding pass for tomorrow 
                         morning.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You think you can treat us however you 
                         want because we HAVE to fly! Well I'll 
                         tell you what, Sally Sassalot, I'm gonna 
                         come up with a NEW mode of transportation! 
                         A ahah brand new vehicle that'll put 
                         all you bastards out of business!
 
                         
                                     PEOPLE
                         YEAH! ALRIGHT! GO!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You think I can't do it?! I got a master's 
                         degree in mechanical engineering at 
                         Denver Community College! You watch 
                         me!!  Come on, everybody!
 
                                     PEOPLE
                         YEAH!

                                     MAN
                          Can I get on that 7:30 a.m. flight?
 
                         
               [The Broflovski house, night. The family is seated around the 
               dining room table as Sheila enters with soup in hand]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Here we go, Kyle Two.  And here's yours, 
                         Kyle. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh, uh, wawawhat is this?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Mom's special stew. She makes it every 
                         Monday and I love it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh is, is this beef?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Yeah, dude, it's great! 

                                     KYLE
                         Uha, wa, actually, I, I can't eat beef. 
                         I have a degenerative problem with my 
                         intestinal lining, and beef really gives 
                         me gaass.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, I'm so sorry, Kyle. What else can 
                         I fix you?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh no, I d- I don't want to be a bother, 
                         I uh-
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Nonsense. Can't I make you some nice 
                         pasta? Or a frozen fish fillet?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We-ull, some fish would be great if 
                         it isn't too much trouble.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          I'll put it in the microwave right 
                         away. 
 
               [Kitchen, moments later. Sheila has gotten the fish and breaks 
               it apart on the kitchen counter. Kyle Two appears at the doorway]
 
               
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Mom?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yes, Kyle Two?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         How am I related to him again?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         He's your cousin, Kyle Two. I told you 
                         already.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Yeah, but like... first cousin or distant 
                         cousin?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         He's my sister's son. That makes him 
                         your first cousin.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         So we have the same blood?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now Kyle Two, listen to me. Kyle is 
                         going through a very tough time in his 
                         life. His mother is very sick and he's 
                         in a whole new place. He's going to 
                         rely on you to make sure he fits in 
                         at your school.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         What?? How the hell am I supposed to 
                         do that??
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I'm sure your friends will love him.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         What about Cartman, huh? He rips on 
                         me for being Jewish! He's gonna tear 
                         this kid apart!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle Two, he's your responsibility.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Oh my God.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I'm sure you two will become great friends 
                         with lots of late night pillow talk.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Well what do you mean?  What room is 
                         he sleeping in?
 
               [Kyle's room, past bed time. Both Kyles are in bed, the cousin 
               getting used to the bed.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's this comforter filled with? Um, 
                         it isn't filled with down, is it?
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         I don't know, dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Ih it sure is quiet up here in the mountains 
                         and it's dry, too. Do you have a humidi-humidifier?
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         I don't think so.

                                     KYLE
                         Uh, can you take my stupid glasses and 
                         put them on the night stand. Make sure 
                         they're close by, because that fish 
                         upset my stomach and I might need them 
                         if I have to go to he bathroom later 
                         on.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Okay. 

               [Mr. Garrison's house, night. He's working at an artist's desk 
               in his bedroom. On the wall are drawings of various types of 
               aircraft, and on the floor around him are bits and pieces of 
               all kinds of vehicles, including bicycle gears, airplane propellers, 
               car motors, a muffler. To his right is a dresser with a small 
               color TV on top. Mr. Hat is present on his right hand, as always.]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now it's got to be simple. Like a moped, 
                         but with the ability to travel at much 
                         faster speeds. The designs of our electrical 
                         moped were altered with a- no, nonono 
                         this won't work either!
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         What was wrong with that plan?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It has to be more stable, Mr. Hat! A 
                         moped would be too dangerous at those 
                         speeds. Damnit!  Now, what if the jet 
                         power of an aircraft could be scaled 
                         down into a personal vehicle?
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         Boy, that Enrique Iglesias can sure 
                         gyrate his hot ass around.
 
                                     ENRIQUE IGLESIAS
                          ...I think about you day and night. 
                         I think about you...
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, Mr. Hat! Would you stop drooling 
                         over Enrique Iglesias and... wait a 
                         minute. What did you say?
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         I said Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate 
                         his hot ass!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's it. Gyration.  A gyrascope.  
                         It would allow for maximum balance and 
                         yet... Mr. Hat! You're a genius!  It's 
                         so simple and yet genius!
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         Check out his hot bulge, too.

               [Bus stop, next day. Kenny, Stan and Cartman wait at the stop. 
               The two Kyles walk up to them.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What's that thing?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Cartman, I need to talk to you. 

                                     KYLE
                          Hello, I'm Kyle's cousin Kyle.

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Cartman, I'm gonna make you a deal.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         That kid over there is my cousin from 
                         the East Coast. He's having a really 
                         hard time right now, so I'm going to 
                         offer you forty dollars to not rip on 
                         him.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Forty bucks?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         But you can't make fun of him AT ALL. 
                         No smartass comments, nothin'.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alrigh, alright.

                                     KYLE TWO
                         And you especially can't say anythng 
                         about Jews!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, Jesus, why don't you just cut off 
                         my balls?
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Cartman, no Jew jokes! All you have 
                         to do is keep your mouth shut, and you've 
                         got forty bucks! Can you do it? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can't believe how cold it is out here.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Cold be tough. But I'll give it a shot.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Alright. 

                                     KYLE
                         It's a reall dry cold; that's the problem. 
                         It- the cold air makes me wheeze.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                          Kyle, this is Cartman, my sort of... 
                         friend- ish.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Ot- Nice to meet you, Cartman. Yuh 
                         you know, I saw that same jacket you're 
                         wearing at Bosco's for 29.95. How much 
                         was yours? Um, I juh- I was just wondering 
                         if Bosco's is a ripoff?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Oh, man.

                                     KYLE
                          Cartman?!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh, it's nice to meet you, Kyle. I 
                         can certainly tell you're a relative 
                         of my good friend Kyle here. 
 
                                     STAN
                         What the hell was that?

               [Neighborhood, day. Barbardy stops Craig's father in his car 
               and is writing out a ticket when the large wheel zips by them.]
 
               
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Uh what the hell was that?

               [Dowtown South Park. People walk about doing stuff. The giant 
               wheel zips by them as well, but few seem to notice.]
 
                                     STUART
                         What the hell was that?

                                     RANDY
                         I dunno, it was going so fast I couldn't 
                         see it.  But I want one.
 
                                     STUART
                         Yep, me too.

               [Garrison's house, curb level. The giant wheel stops and two 
               legs dismount. It's Mr. Garrison, beaming with pride and confidence]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         We've done it, Mr. Hat. Airline companies 
                         be damned. We've invented a whole new 
                         mode of transportation! Get some investors 
                         on the phone!  Well what are you waiting 
                         for?!
 
               [South Park Elementary, day. Class is now in session.]

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         And I know you'll all be very nice to 
                         our new student.  Kyle, why don't you 
                         tell us a little about yourself?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh well, I I grew up in the shity, ah 
                         ah I really don't care for it. Ah I 
                         come from a Jewish family, which of 
                         course you already know, because Kyle's 
                         form the same family.  I like to read, 
                         and I have these polyps on the backs 
                         of my hands - I don't know what they 
                         are.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ohmigod, I'm not gonna make it. I'm 
                         not gonna make it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment 
                         banker.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I... must.. fight it! Need... forty... 
                         dollars!
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Okay, why don't you go ahead and take 
                         a seat, Kyle? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh where should I sit? There's no place 
                         to sit down here.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Yes, unfortunately the school seems 
                         to be completely out of extra desks. 
                         So you'll just have to share with your 
                         cousin.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         Eh, oh, alright. 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Now let's get on with our lesson on 
                         the-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ah-ah-ah-are wooden desks all that available? 
                         I usually prefer the plastic ones because 
                         these give me splinters.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh, ugh!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          I'm sorry, Kyle. You'll just have to 
                         make do.  Now let's get back to the 
                         le-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Is it cold in here? I realize we're 
                         in the mountains, but do we have to 
                         freeze to death?
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In 
                         my class you need to be able to concentrate.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Concentration is the key to succeeding 
                         in my class.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration 
                         camp. AWGH! Damnit, damnit, damnit!
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         CARTMAN!

               [News 4 Newsbreak. An anchor soon appears with a window of Mr. 
               Garrsion beside him]
 
                                     ANCHOR
                         Kindergarten teacher Herbert Garrison 
                         has apparently invented a new vehicle 
                         that will give the airlines a run for 
                         their money. Mr. Garrison is putting 
                         the final touches on his top secret 
                         device, which he simply calls "IT". 
                          So what exactly is "IT"?  Here with 
                         a report is a Hispanic man with some 
                         gravy stains on his lapel. 
 
                                     HISPANIC REPORTER
                         Thanks, Tom, I-oh...  Thanks, Tom. So 
                         far Herbert Garrison hasn't let anyone 
                         get a look at his invention. He claims 
                         that the vehicle is sooo genius and 
                         revolutionary that it could cause one's 
                         eyes to bleed if not properly prepared 
                         to see it. But earlier today HBC News 
                         got footage of some of the country's 
                         top investors and richest people who 
                         have been invited for a first look, 
                         including: Steve Forbes , Steve Jobs 
                         , Ted Turner , Donald Trump , Bill Gates 
                         , and Yasmine Bleeth . Their curiosity 
                         is piqued, Tom, and so is ours. What 
                         is "IT"? What does "IT"do? And when 
                         will IT be somewhere where I can buy 
                         one? Reporting live, Jeff Arrando , 
                         HBC News.
 
               [Playground, day. Kids are on swings, hobby elephants, slides, 
               etc, as the camera pans across. At the end of the pan, Kyle and 
               Kyle Two face each other in a clearing]
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         You need to learn to play some sports, 
                         Kyle. So we're gonna start with a tough 
                         one called, "Catch the Ball." I throw 
                         the football to you; you throw it back 
                         to me.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, bu- but isn't the cold air making 
                         the ball really hard? Ih-it's gonna 
                         hurt my hands.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         It's fine!

                                     KYLE
                         Alright then, hu-how do I catch it?
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Ih it's a football, dude. You just- 
                         put your arms out and catch it.  Alright, 
                         here we go. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Now what?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Now throw it back to me.

                                     KYLE
                         But it's down in the snow.

                                     KYLE TWO
                         ...So dig it out.

                                     KYLE
                         But I'll get snow on my gloves and then 
                         it will melt and I'll have wet hands.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         ...Well, then we'll dry them off!

                                     KYLE
                         Alright, then. 

                                     KYLE TWO
                          Oh my God.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Kyle, Kyle!  I just found out that 
                         in World War II, some Jewish people 
                         were sent to concentration camps.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                          Yeah! They WERE, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, and see, I didn't realize that. 
                         But I understand now how you might've 
                         felt what I said in the classroom was 
                         a racial slut. But see, I had no idea.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         You did, too! You are so full of crap!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, I'm seriously! Becuase, um, I was, 
                         I was talkin' to Craig, and Craig was 
                         all like, "Hey, did you know that in 
                         World War II they really HAD concentration 
                         camps?" And I was all like, "No way!" 
                         And this little light went on in my 
                         head like, "Aw man, no wonder Kyle thought 
                         what I said in the class, seemed like 
                         it was directed at his cousin." But, 
                         but I was literally talkin' about a 
                         concentration camp, you know, where 
                         you go for a week to learn and focus, 
                         you know. Oh, mahan.  What a misunderstanding, 
                         huh? 
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         You blew the deal, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit, give me another chance!
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                          Nuh-uh, I knew you were gonna make 
                         fun of my lame cousin, so I paid you 
                         the forty bucks NOT to rip on him! You 
                         ripped on him, deal's off!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Uh you did what? 

                                     KYLE TWO
                          Oh no.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Haha,  serves you right, asshole. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You, you paid your friends tuh...  not 
                         make fun of me?
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Look, ih it's not because anything's 
                         wrong with you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow uh, you think it takes forty dollars 
                         to get people to like me.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Kyle, I-eh I'm sorry

                                     KYLE
                         Becuase I m-I mean I really think you 
                         could have done it for about 12.50.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         Well, I mean, you didn't just start 
                         at 40, didja? You you gotta low-ball 
                         these things so you have a place to 
                         go.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Uh-uh-uh oh, dude. Uh 

                                     KYLE
                         Boy it sure is dry out here.

               [Mr. Garrison's house, backyard. The invited guest sit in two 
               rows of chairs]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel 
                         safely at incredibly fast speeds, and 
                         not having to go to the stupid fartface 
                         airports!
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It IS incredible, Mr. Hat. And what 
                         makes IT possible  is IT's patented 
                         gyroscope design.  Gentlemen, I give 
                         you, IT!
 
                                     GUESTS
                         Whoa.

                                     STEVE FORBES
                         Nice

                                     DONALD TRUMP
                         Sweet.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         IT gets over 300 miles to the gallon, 
                         and is safely capable of speeks of over 
                         200 miles per hour.
 
                                     GUESTS
                         Whoa. Wow.

                                     BILL GATES
                         This will change everything.

                                     STEVE JOBS
                         We're going to have to rethnk cities!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Now, IT is easily operated using four 
                         flexigrip handles. Two of them are on 
                         each side. Left side for throttle, right 
                         side for steering.  The third flexigrip 
                         is gently inserted into the anus, to 
                         keep the driver in place. 
 
                                     GUESTS
                         Ugh. Oh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...there we go. Now, the final flexigrip 
                         is directly in front of the driver so 
                         that its small switches can be operaterd 
                         with the mouth, as such.  Put the four 
                         together and we're ready to go. 
 
                                     STEVE JOBS
                         Oh my God! 

                                     STEVE FORBES
                         Look at it go! 

                                     BILL GATES
                         But the way it works... do you think 
                         people will go through that to travel?
 
                         
                                     STEVE FORBES
                         Hey, it... still beats what you go through 
                         at the airports.
 
                                     GUEST 1
                         True.

                                     GUEST 2
                         Yup.

                                     GUEST 3
                         Yeah, that's true.

                                     GUEST 4
                         Yeap.

               [The Broflovski house, night. Two lights are on]

               [Kyle Two's room. Stan is writing in a book as Kyle speaks]
 
               
                                     KYLE TWO
                         I can't take it anymore, Stan. My cousin's 
                         been here for two weeks and he's driving 
                         me insane.
 
                                     STAN
                         I know, dude. Every kid in school wants 
                         to kick his ass.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Ispent five years in this town making 
                         a good name for Jews and this... this... 
                         stereotype shows up and wrecks it all! 
                         You know what my biggest fear is? That 
                         I'll become him. That somehow his mannerisms 
                         will start rubbing off on me, and I'll 
                         become a stereotype. I mean, I'm a Jew 
                         and he's making me hate Jews.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, a self-hating Jew? You are becoming 
                         a stereotype.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Ya see?

                                     KYLE
                          I'm ba-ack!

                                     KYLE TWO
                          Ugh.

                                     STAN
                         Book. Later, dude. 

               [South Park, day. The day for IT's unveiling is here, and it's 
               being offered at Better Buy. Another camera focuses on the Hispanic 
               reporter]
 
                                     JEFF ARRANDO
                         Tom, the day is finally here. IT has 
                         arrived for retail sale, and people 
                         are getting their first look at it.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         :	 Okay, good. Just step through here 
                          And then this is your steering and 
                         here's your throttle.
 
                                     CRAIG'S FATHER
                         Okay. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, now you're just gonna feel a little 
                         pinch.
 
                                     CRAIG'S FATHER
                          HAAAOW!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It's alright, it's just locking you 
                         in.  You can take it.  Doing great, 
                         Kathy. How's that ride?  Okay, now use 
                         your mouth to operate the turn signals, 
                         and you're off.  Great! Who else wants 
                         to give it a spin? 
 
               [In front of Better Buy. IT drivers move about as Randy and Stuart 
               look on. Craig's father rolls to a stop next to them]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, man, it that the IT?

                                     CRAIG'S FATHER
                         Hehyeah.

                                     STUART
                         How is it?

                                     CRAIG'S FATHER
                         Well, ugh. Ih ih it beats dealing with 
                         the airline companies, that's for sure. 
                         
 
               [Neighborhood, day. The boys have Kyle on a sled, which is tied 
               to...]
 
                                     KYLE
                         I don't know about this, guys. I think 
                         sleds are dangerous.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Look, Kyle. Sledding is something all 
                         kids out here do. You've gotta learn.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It seems like I might get splinters, 
                         though.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                          Remember: Just hold on. No matter how 
                         long the sledding run lasts, hold on.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hold on. I see.  Oh, Jeezus, this sled 
                         is going faaaast.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                          Hang on!

                                     KYLE
                         I have to watch out for my glasses. 
                         Ow! Ow, it's so cold! Oh Jesus! 
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         How far do you thnk it is to Connecticut?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It's a least a couple of hours.

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Think he'll be alright.

                                     CARTMAN
                          He's faaahn.

               [Commercial]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Are you tired of coprporate airline 
                         companies treating you like a worthless 
                         sardine?  Tired of ridiculous lines 
                         and horrible security at airports?  
                         Well, now there is an alternative to 
                         airline travel.  IT.  IT has taken the 
                         country by storm.  And already two million 
                         have been sold.  Never have another 
                         important business trip ruined by airline 
                         incompetence.  Hey ladies! How did you 
                         get to the Grand Canyon?  IT comes in 
                         sizes for the entire family.
 
                                     WOMAN
                          Here you go, Robby. 

                                     JOHN TRAVOLTA
                          Hello, I'm John Travolta. I used to 
                         rely on airlines to get me to set, but 
                         once I got used to IT,  I found it to 
                         be a little less painful than dealing 
                         with the airline companies. I just power 
                         up the flexigrips.  And I'm ready to 
                         go. Thank you, IT. 
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          So join the millions of Americans who 
                         have felt a little more comfortable 
                         with... traveling.  Order yours today 
                         and remember our slogan: IT's better 
                         than flying.
 
               [Kyle's house, living room. Kyle Two has finished watching the 
               commercial]
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         ...Hm, that was pretty gay. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle Two, where is Kyle?

                                     KYULE TWO
                          I don't know, Mom. Last time I saw 
                         him he was sledding.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Where on earth could he be? 

                                     KYLE TWO
                         You know, it's just possible he went 
                         back to Conencticut.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          What?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Well, ah I mean, maybe he got so worried 
                         about his mom that found a way to get 
                         back and see her.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Don't be ridiculous, Kyle Two. He's 
                         out playing with his new friends.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         I'm just throwin' it out there as a 
                         possibility. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          I'm ba-ack.

                                     KYLE TWO
                         AAA!

                                     KYLE
                          I'm sorry. You must've been worried 
                         sick. I got your sled tangled up with 
                         a bus. 
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         A, a bus. R-really?

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle, what happened to you??

                                     KYLE
                         Ah- I was just sledding, and the next 
                         thing I knew my sled rope got tangled 
                         with a bus, uh. I gut dragged for over 
                         a hundred miles before the bus finally 
                         stopped for gas.  I'm sorry about your 
                         sled, Kyle.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Oh no- don't worry about it, dude.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh you poor thing! Come upstairs and 
                         we'll get you out of those wet clothes. 
                          Are you alright?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, my ears feel like they're frozen 
                         off, and I think I have a hemorrhoid 
                         from sitting on the sled for so long.
 
                         
               [IT dealership, day. The IT has grown so popular it's left Better 
               Buy for its own sale space. The camera pans across the showroom 
               floor to Mr. Garrison, seated in front of an IT Moters Inc. sign. 
               He's got a stack of bills to his right and a computer to his 
               left, all on a futuristic desk]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         We're in the money, Mr. Hat, We're in 
                         the money, Mr. Hat...  Oh hi, Jimbo. 
                         Can I help you?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah, I wanted to order that theft alarm 
                         for my IT.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh, right, right. Take a seat.

                                     JIMBO
                         Uh, that's okay, I'll stand.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          What do you think, Mr. Marsh? All set 
                         to put a down payment on that baby?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Well, yeah, but I have one question 
                         about the way it works.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sure.

                                     RANDY
                         Well,  it seems all the buttons on these 
                         front and rear flexigrips are also found 
                         on the side of the vehicle.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeup.

                                     RANDY
                          Well... so... they don't really... 
                         do anything.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Right.

                                     RANDY
                         So then, couldn't I just order one that 
                         works without going in and out of my 
                         ass and mouth?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Well, I... guess you could. 

                                     MAN 1
                         Huh?

                                     MAN 2
                         Whazzat?

                                     MAN 3
                         Wha- what did you- what did he say?
 
                         
                                     MAN 4
                         What?

               [Denver International Airport, day. A plane takes off. Inside 
               the terminal the boys and Kyle stand around]
 
                                     KYLE
                         I don't know about this guys. I think 
                         playing hide and seek in the airport 
                         might be dangerous.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Kyle, we told you: Kids in Colorado 
                         all play hide and seek at the airport.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse 
                         you'll see how fun it is.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                          Ungh, this is taking too long. The 
                         flight to Connecticut is about to leave. 
                          Ey! Can we speed things up here??
 
                         
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Daaah, sorry, but ever since that IT 
                         thing came out the airlines have had 
                         to cut back on employees.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Dude, we're the only ones here! How 
                         long does it take five people through 
                         security?!
 
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Derr, let's see: Twelve people... plus... 
                         times... divided... two hours domestic, 
                         three hours international.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Can't we just play hide and seek at 
                         home?
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         No!

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                          Dah ha! What's this?! A toenail clipper! 
                          Die, terrorist! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, Jesus!! 

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         See, we do these checks for a reason!
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         This is ridiculous! Come on! 

               [Tarmac, outside. The boys stop at a plane ready to take off.]
 
               
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Okay, Cartman, you're it. Start counting. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          1, 2, 3, 4...

                                     KYLE TWO
                          Here, Kyle. You go hide in here. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         In there? But it's very confined. I'll 
                         get cramps in my legs.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         JUST GET IN THE BOX!

                                     KYLE
                         Ub, alright then.  Oh, would you look 
                         at that? I've got a corn on my ankle. 
                          Now where did that one come from? That's 
                         the fourth one I've had- 
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         I hope he doesn't suffocate.

                                     CARTMAN
                          He's faaahn.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. He'll be waaay better off back 
                         at home. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, Jesus, this bus is going fast!  
                         Oh, I did it again!!
 
               [IT dealership, day. Crowds mill around the dealership. Federal 
               agents raid the building and start hauling ITs away. Mr. Garrison 
               isn't pleased.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?
 
                         
                                     AGENT 1
                         It's alright, we're with the government.
 
                         
                                     AGENT 2
                         We're just shutting you down.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Shutting me down? Why?

                                     AGENT 3
                          The airlines are in desperate trouble. 
                         Your vehicle is causing them to lose 
                         money.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! 
                         Ah-t put that down!
 
                                     AGENT 4
                         Right, so the governmentn is bailing 
                         the airlines out again, but shutting 
                         you down and making ITs illegal.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         OH, GOD-DAMNIT! You'd better be kidding! 
                         
 
                                     AGENT 5
                         Sir, many people work for the airlines. 
                         We can't let them all be fired.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY 
                         BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND 
                         THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!!
 
                                     AGENT 6
                         That may be truu. But if you build, 
                         sell, or ride another IT, "it" will 
                         be the last time. Have a nice night. 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! 
                         You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons 
                         of bitch airlines! 
 
               [The Broflovski house, night. In the living room, Sheila paces 
               the floor as Kyle sits on the sofa.]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, it's been days! Where can he be?
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         I dunno, Mom. It's like he vanished 
                         into thin air.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I'm gong to call the police again. Kyle 
                         Two, go down to the playground and look 
                         there.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                          I already checked the playground, Ma. 
                          I told you, he isn't really- 
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm back.

                                     KYLE TWO
                         GAAAH! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle!  You're back!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, it was the craziest thing. I hid 
                         myself on a plane to Antarctica. Oh, 
                         it was so dry down there.
 
               [The Broflovski house, a few days later. Stan and Cartman approach 
               the door. Inside, Kyle is standing in the living room, his arms 
               crossed. He's clearly pissed off. The door opens, and Stan and 
               Cartman walk in.]
 
                                     STAN
                         So dude, did Cartman's idea work?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         No. I tried getting my cousin lost in 
                         the woods, but a stupid bear brought 
                         him home.
 
                                     STAN
                         Damn!

                                     KYLE TWO
                         I just have to face facts that I'm gointuh 
                         live with my crappy cousin forever.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Well, Kyle, I I gotta go.

                                     KYLE TWO
                          ...What?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, I've gotta get back to Connecticut.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Now that things have changed for Kyle, 
                         his mother needs him back.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                          Do you promise??  I mean, oh. Thah-uh 
                         that's too bad, dude. What, what changed 
                         for you?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, I I invested in that IT thng, 
                         and there was a bailout, so I received 
                         a five million dollar bailout clause 
                         check, which, which I can use to help 
                         my family, so, I I guess, goodbye, cousin. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Okay. See ya, cousin. Hope to see ya 
                         soon.  Not too soon, I hope.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, haha

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heheheheheh. 

                                     ALL THREE
                         Five million dollars??? 

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Dudedudedude! You you have five miliion 
                         dollars??
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, I don't know what to do with it, 
                         though. Well, see ya.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                          Wait. Kyle, this may sound crazy, but 
                         I think you should stay!
 
                                     STAN, CARTMAN
                         Yeah!

                                     KYLE
                         Ru really?

                                     KYLE TWO
                         Yeah. You see, I've learned something 
                         today.  Sometimes people have trouble 
                         fitting in at, at school and,...  and 
                         um... Let's see, what did I learn about? 
                          What did I learn about today?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I I, I learned that... you shouldn't 
                         judge somebody because... that-no, wait.
 
                         
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Nonono, it was good! What were you going 
                         to say?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Listen, guys, I appreaciate you wanting 
                         me around, but, the fact of the matter 
                         is, well, yeh, you guys are just kind 
                         of douche bags.
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         ... Uhwhat?

                                     KYLE
                         I mean, yeyou people are all just such 
                         hick jock rednecks; it's just like you 
                         right out of a stereotyped catalog. 
                          Ah I can't take it. See ya. 
 
                                     KYLE TWO
                         Dude! Weak.

                                     CARTMAN
                          ...Good job, Jew!

               THE END

The Entity



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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