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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 806


                                  "THE JEFFERSONS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [The neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny ride down the 
               street on their Big Wheels.]
 
                                     STAN
                          Hey, check it out, dude. Somebody bought 
                         the Donovans' old house. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, I think they already moved in. 
                         I saw moving vans in their driveway 
                         two days ago.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I hope they're not Austrians. That's 
                         the last thing this town needs. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hey look! 

                                     KID
                         Hello. 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey. Do you live here?

                                     KID
                         Yeah, I just moved here with my dad. 
                         Are you gonna be my new friends?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          No.

                                     KID
                         I really like your town. My dad wanted 
                         to move somewhere to get away from it 
                         all. He said he wanted piece and quiet, 
                         and to live with a bunch of hicks who 
                         don't know anything. 
 
                                     STAN
                         What's that you're wearing?

                                     KID
                         It's my mask. My daddy says it's best 
                         for me to hide my face. My name's Blanket.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Your name is Blanket. Right. Well, Blanket, 
                         I'm Howdy Doody, and these are my friends 
                         Timsy , Winky  and Nod.  Unfortunately, 
                         we have to be off to the Land of Booger 
                         Trees, so we'll be leaving now. 
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Wait, don't you guys wanna come inside 
                         and play?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh look dude, we're in the fourth 
                         grade, okay? You know what that means? 
                         It means we don't hang out with a little 
                         kid. Come on, guys, let's get back to 
                         our Big Wheels. 
 
                                     BLANKET
                         We have arcade games inside. 

               [The old Donovan house, now Blanket's home.]

                                     BLANKET
                         Dad?

                                     STAN
                          Whoa. Dude, no way.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh my God, this is awesome! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, are these all your toys?

                                     BLANKET
                         No, this is all my dad's stuff. He loves 
                         toys and video games.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, he must be loaded! What does he 
                         do?
 
                                     BLANKET
                         He's retired now.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh my God, dude! Your dad must be the 
                         coolest dad in the world!
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Come on, my dad's probably out in the 
                         back yard. 
 
               [The back yard. The sliding door opens up to a small park, a 
               Neverland, with a giraffe, small Ferris wheel, small carousel, 
               and other things. The boys step through the doorway]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house 
                         like this?!
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Dad, you out here??

                                     DAD
                         Here I am, Blanket!  Heeee!  Jeh chabee 
                         durtah!  Blanket!! Oh my beautiful blanket!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          What's wrong with his face?

                                     STAN
                          Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's 
                         a burn victim or something.
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Guys, this is my dad, Michael Ja-

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Jefferson! Michael ...Jefferson, yeh. 
                         Hey, you wanna play with me?  Come on, 
                         let's climb the tree!  Come on, climb 
                         the tree, climb the tree! 
 
               Have you been up my ...Wishing Tree? Tuh!

               It's where I come to think and dream.

               And now I'd like to show you my ...Wishing Tree. Jam on!

               Where we can laugh and giggle and scream. Hee hee!

               Imagination is the key.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up.
 
                         
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Won't you imagine along with me?

                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Jefferson? 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         We can be spacemen, or pirates on the 
                         sea Chuckajam on
 
               Yes we can do everything, and I mean, everything! Chuckajam on
 
               
               Up in my Wishing Tree! Hee hee! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
 
               
               [Stark's Pond, day. A group of kids skate around lazily on its 
               frozen surface. Stan and friends race over a rise towards the 
               lake]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey you guys! You guys!  You gotta come 
                         with us over to the Jeffersons!
 
                                     RED
                         The Jeffersons?

                                     CARTMAN
                          They're a new family that just moved 
                         to South Park! We met this kid named 
                         Blanket, and he has the coolest dad 
                         in the world! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Jefferson said we can invite all 
                         the kids in town to go play over at 
                         their house.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         They have like, video games and rides 
                         and a cotton-candy machine, oh, and, 
                         and in their back yard, guess what they 
                         have in their back yard?? Guess. A train.
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         No way.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah way, Craig! And if you don't believe 
                         in Mr. Jefferson, then you can just 
                         not come!
 
                                     CRAIG
                          I believe in Mr. Jefferson.

               [The Jefferson house, arcade room. As the kids enjoy the toys 
               and games found there, Jefferson swings above them on a spacious 
               swing with Bebe on his lap]
 
                                     JEFFERSON
                         Weeeeeee, look at us on the swing! We're 
                         swinging!
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Who wants the first cotton candy? 
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Memememememememememe... 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Mememe! I'm first! I'm first!  Ooooh, 
                         let's go ride the choo-choo train!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Choo-choo train! Yay! 

               [The Jefferson back yard. The kids follow Jefferson to the train]
 
               
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Let's ride the train! The train! 

               Would you like to ride the train with me,

               and start a magical journey?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson. You're 
                         so awesome, Mr. Jefferson.
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Cartman, you have a beautiful voice.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you.
 
                         
               [duet]

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Let's ride and ride on the train together
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         ... Train together

               
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         On a journey through both of our minds.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         ... I've got time. Do youuu??

               [back near the sliding door, Stan, Kyle and Kenny look on. Blanket 
               stands next to them and Kyle notices Blanket's left leg]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what happened to your knee?

                                     BLANKET
                          I fell down.

                                     KYLE
                          Mr. Jefferson!

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Choo-choo train.

                                     KYLE
                         Mr.! Goddamnit. Here, come on. We need 
                         to clean that up. 
 
               [The bathroom, nicely appointed. Kyle sits Blanket on the toilet 
               and dresses the wound]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Alright, this is gonna sting for a second. 
                         
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Ow!

                                     KYLE
                         I know, I know. Be cool.

                                     BLANKET
                         Thank you. That already feels better.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          So, dude, do you have any brothers 
                         or sisters?
 
                                     BLANKET
                         I have a half-brother and a half-sister. 
                         But they live with their mom now.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          And where is your mom?

                                     BLANKET
                         I don't have a mom.

                                     KYLE
                         You must have a mom.  You mean she doesn't 
                         live here, or she's dead, or what?
 
                         
                                     BLANKET
                         No. I was made in a laboratory.

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     BLANKET
                         My daddy wanted to have a baby, so he 
                         put me in a test tube. Then, they put 
                         me in a woman's tummy, and, when I was 
                         born, Daddy took me home.
 
                                     KYLE
                         So you never met your mom?

                                     BLANKET
                         Noo... But I used to have a lot of bodyguards 
                         and nannies, if that counts.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Yeah, that counts.

               [The neighborhood, some time later. The boys are walking home]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh man, that was great! You guys know 
                         what Mr. Jefferson said? He said I'm 
                         his best friend, and I can go over to 
                         his house whenever I want! I'm supposed 
                         to go right back over there after dinner 
                         tonight!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You guys, I feel kinda bad for that 
                         kid.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You feel bad for him?! He has everything 
                         a kid could want!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants 
                         to be a kid, not have one.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect 
                         sense! A guy moves into South Park with 
                         a FERRIS wheel in his back yard, and 
                         KYLE has to see a problem with it!  
                         Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's 
                         happened to this town in a long time, 
                         and if you miss this up, so help me 
                         GOD, I will rip your balls off with 
                         my bare hands! With my bare hands, Goddamn 
                         you! 
 
               [Stan's house, afternoon. Stan enters the kitchen through the 
               back door. Randy is at the breakfast nook reading a paper, Sharon 
               puts a coffee pot onto the counter]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, there he is. Where have you been 
                         all afternoon.
 
                                     STAN
                         I was over at the new neighbors, the 
                         Jeffersons.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, are they nice people?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. It's just a dad and his son.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis 
                         and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. 
                         Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too.
 
                         
               [Stan's house, evening. The Marshes and their guests are seated 
               at table for dinner. On screen left are seated Sheila, Chris 
               and Linda. On screen right are seated Gerald, Mr. Jefferson, 
               and Sharon, and Randy is at the head of the table]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say 
                         you moved here from Kentucky?
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Kentucky, yeh.

                                     RANDY
                         I heard people saying you all were from 
                         Illinois.
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         No, theh, they're ignorant. That's ignorant.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson?
 
                         
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... 
                         pharmaceuticals
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well our boys have really taken a liking 
                         to you. You seem to really have a way 
                         with them.
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         I just id- identify so much with children. 
                         Their innocence, their beauty. I think 
                         that God is in the face of every child.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         ....Yeeeah.

                                     SHARON
                         ...They are fun.  Boys, you okay out 
                         there?
 
               [The living room. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket are seated on the sofa, 
               eating]
 
                                     STAN
                         Fine Mom.

                                     BLANKET
                         Wow, these are great. What are they 
                         called again?
 
                                     KYLE
                         They're TV dinners. Don't you wanna 
                         take that veil off so you can eat?
 
                         
                                     BLANKET
                         Nah, I'm not supposed to. Dad says I 
                         have to keep my face hidden. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is going on?! Are you 
                         having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, my parents are.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys better not be trying to Bogart 
                         my friend away!
 
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         He is MY friend, got it?! I was friends 
                         with him before you assholes were,  
                         and I hoowi-  Stan! Stan, I'm serisouslih! 
                         You'd better not be talking bad about 
                         me in there to Mr. Jefferson!
 
               [The dining table]

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in 
                         Eagle today.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson? 
                         Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent?
 
                         
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          D'huh?

                                     CHRIS
                         I think he's definitely going to jail. 
                         I just love seeing smug celebrities 
                         get their comeuppance.
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         I think it's wrong what the police do 
                         to wealthy black men.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're not 
                         one of those who think that the police 
                         go around framing rich black people 
                         just because they're jealous..
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Yeah! Because their hearts are full 
                         of greed and they have... doodoo in 
                         their soul.
 
               [Park County Police Station. Inside an officer waits for a fax 
               to finish printing. As another officer walks by with a cup of 
               coffee, he takes a sheet from the machine]
 
                                     OFFICER
                         Hey Sergeant, take a look at this.
 
                         
                                     SERGEANT
                          Whatcha got?

                                     OFFICER
                         Looks like a new family has just moved 
                         into South Park. One Mr. Jefferson, 
                         age 50, bought a house there and paid 
                         cash. He seems to have a lot of money.
 
                         
                                     SERGEANT
                         So, what's the problem?

                                     OFFICER
                         Take a look. Says here...  He's black.
 
                         
                                     SERGEANT
                         By God, so he is. Black and rich. Time 
                         to take this Mr. Jefferson down, just 
                         like we did Kobe.  Let's go people! 
                          We've got another rich black guy. I 
                         want him humiliated and dragged through 
                         the dirt, and I want it done by the 
                         books! 
 
               [Stan's house, night. Stan is asleep in his room when someone 
               pounds at his window. Stan wakes up, then goes to the window]
 
               
                                     STAN
                          Kyle? 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'? 

                                     STAN
                         Mr. Jefferson- Awww!  It's 1:30 in the 
                         morning!
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Look at me, I'm Peter Pan.  T-shamon! 
                         I'm a little boy forever.  Hey!
 
                                     STAN
                         Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school 
                         tomorrow!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it! What 
                         the hell are you doing, Stan?! I'll 
                         tell you what you're doing! You're trying 
                         to steal MY best friend!
 
                                     STAN
                         He just showed up here.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Remember, Mr. Jefferson? You said we 
                         were best friends. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Jesus Christ! 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, look who I found prowling around 
                         in my back yard.
 
                                     BLANKET
                          Hi Stan.

                                     KYLE
                         He was out all alone in the middle of 
                         the night. Mr. Jefferson isn't even 
                         home.
 
                                     STAN
                         I know. He's here.

                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber 
                         party!
 
                                     STAN
                         No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take 
                         your son home.
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         We can't go home. There's a ghost in 
                         our house. Me and Blanket are scared.
 
                         
                                     BLANKET
                         Dad says it wants to eat us.

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Please don't make us go back home. Please! 
                         We're scared, we're scared!
 
                                     BLANKET
                         We're scared!

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Hee hee!

                                     STAN
                         Okay, fine, we'll all stay here, but 
                         we're going to sleep now!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Blanket. 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Now let's all sleep and dream Heehee! 
                         of fun and adventurous things shamon! 
                         It's time for us all to say goodnight
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Deeper.  Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could 
                         be around you all the time. You're awesome.
 
                         
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         I think you're awesome too, Cartman. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah?

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah?

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Yeah.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah? 

                                     STAN
                         Haaa! 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          What's the matter, Stan? Did you have 
                         a bad dream?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. A really bad dream.  Oh Jesus!
 
                         
               [The Jefferson house. An unmarked police car, blue in color, 
               waits across the street. The sergeant's partner sips on a soda]
 
               
                                     SERGEANT
                          Murphy, you inside?

                                     MURPHY
                          We're inside, sir. Harris was right. 
                         This guy looks like he has more money 
                         than all of us put together. Black sonofabitch! 
                          I'm planting the cocaine now. 
 
                                     SERGEANT
                         Johnson, what about you?

                                     JOHNSON
                          Placing the blood spatter now, sir. 
                         
 
                                     SERGEANT
                         Frakes?

                                     FRAKES
                         Placing pubic hair from the raped girl 
                         now, sir.
 
                                     SERGEANT
                         All right, when this Jefferson guy shows 
                         up, arrest him fast and try not to beat 
                         him. There could be neighbors with video 
                         cameras.  Why do we do it, Harris?
 
                         
                                     HARRIS
                          Sir?

                                     SERGEANT
                         Why is it that us policement around 
                         the country have such a passion for 
                         framing wealthy African-Americans with 
                         crimes they didn't commit?
 
                                     HARRIS
                         Oh why? I guess I never thought about 
                         why, sir. We just do it.
 
                                     SERGEANT
                         Twenty-five years I've been on the force. 
                         I've seen every kind of sick, depraved 
                         act known to humanity and still, when 
                         I see a black man walk by who has more 
                         money than me, I... want to vomit my 
                         gizzards right in the gutter. But why? 
                         Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there's 
                         just a big blue ball out there that's 
                         mostly covered with water and we're 
                         just goin' along for the ride.
 
               [Stan's house, morning. Someone knocks on Stan's door.]

                                     RANDY
                         Stan, time to get up for school.  Stan? 
                         What the-?  Mr. Jefferson?!
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Oh oh, we were just having a slumber 
                         party. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate!
 
                         
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. 
                         They're my friends. You see, I I didn't 
                         have a childhood, so I'm really just 
                         a child myself.  Here, everything's 
                         okay. I want you each to have a hundred 
                         dollars. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Wow, I'm gonna go buy that new sport 
                         coat I've been wanting. 
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Come on, Blanket. We have to go home 
                         and feed the animals. Bye, friends. 
                         
 
                                     SHARON
                         Boys, I do not want you going over to 
                         Mr. Jefferson's anymore. Do you understand?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You don't have to tell us twice, Mom. 
                         That guy's a freak!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore? Well, 
                         excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you 
                         can suck my fat hairy balls! 
 
               [The stakeout at Jefferson house, day. The two officers are snoring, 
               but the sergeant is roused by the sound of a voice]
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Come on, Blanket!

                                     SERGEANT
                         Hey Harris Harris Harris! Harris!

                                     HARRIS
                          What what what?

                                     SERGEANT
                         It's Jefferson! He's back!  All right, 
                         people. Let's give Blacky a nice welcome 
                         home.  Whoa, wait a minute!  That guy 
                         isn't black!  Holy God, his son isn't 
                         black either! Oh Jesus!  This is Yeats! 
                         Stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect 
                         is not black!  You son of a bitch, you 
                         told my this guy was African-American!
 
                         
                                     HARRIS
                         It says right here on the final sheet 
                         he is!
 
                                     YEATS
                          Does that look like a black guy to 
                         you?!
 
                                     HARRIS
                         It said on the final sheet!

                                     YEATS
                          Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! We could 
                         have made an innocent man go to jail 
                         who wasn't black! Oh!  Wuuugh! Wuugh! 
                         Ohaugh. Ugh.  Jesus, Harris. What are 
                         we becoming? We're supposed to... protect 
                         the people. Where have we lost our way?
 
                         
                                     HARRIS
                         Sir, it's possible that he is black, 
                         even though he doesn't look it.
 
                                     YEATS
                          To hell with you!! I'm never gonna 
                         frame an innocent man again! Unless 
                         I KNOW he's black for sure!!
 
               [Inside the house, Mr. Jefferson closes all the windows and curtains]
 
               
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         All the adults are trying to get us. 
                         Get up to your room, Blanket, and put 
                         your mask on! We can't go outside anymore! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          That poor kid.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, come on. We're not supposed to 
                         go over there. 
 
                                     BLANKET
                          Hi guys!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey Blanket. Uh, look, we're goin' over 
                         to help my dad chop wood. You... wanna 
                         come with?
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Really? You mean it?

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Oh yay, my friends are here! Come inside 
                         and play, guys!
 
                                     STAN
                         Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were 
                         seeing if Blanket wanted to chop wood 
                         with us.
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's 
                         poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Mr. Jefferson, ih it might be good for 
                         Blanket to learn how to chop wood
 
                         
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket? 
                          Wee, look! He can fly!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Jesus Christ, dude!

                                     BLANKET
                         Aaaaaah!! 

                                     STAN
                         Stop, you fucking lunatic!! 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, we have got to get that kid away 
                         from him!
 
               [Blanket's room. He's crying on a giant plush teddy bear. Mr. 
               Jefferson tries to soothe him]
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying. It's 
                         okay, Blanket. Here, look.  Jeekabee 
                         durtah!  Ow!  There, Blanket, shhhh. 
                          Hey, hey look, hey look.  I got your 
                         nose.  Look! Lookit, I got your nose. 
                         I got your nose, Blanket. See? 
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Aaaaaaaa! 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         No, Blanket, stop!  It's ignorant. You're 
                         being ignorant!
 
               [The Sergeant's house, later. He enters. A woman appears moments 
               later.]
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Harrison, why haven't you called? You 
                         know how I worry.
 
                                     YEATS
                         I'm givin' up, Maggie. I'm quitting 
                         the force. 
 
                                     MAGGIE
                         Quitting the force? You?

                                     YEATS
                         None of it makes sense anymore.  I don't 
                         even know if what we're doing is right. 
                         The last thirteen hours we've been working 
                         on a case, trying to get a real scumbag 
                         off the streets. And when he walked 
                         up to the door, I could have sworn he 
                         was white. Maybe I can't tell the difference 
                         anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Because 
                         it seems like every time we frame a 
                         rich black guy, he's back out on the 
                         streets in no time. It's just like OJ. 
                         Do you know how hard those cops worked 
                         to frame him? The tireless hours they 
                         put in?? And then he just gets off because 
                         somebody messed up and said the N word 
                         out loud too many times. I guess I'm 
                         just tired. I'm jast damn tired.
 
                                     MAGGIE
                          Not another word of that kind of talk, 
                         Harrison Yeats.  Believe me I would 
                         love nothin' more than to have you quit 
                         the force and no longer have to worry 
                         about whether or not you're comin' home. 
                         But I know you. Framin' rich black men 
                         for crimes they didn't commit is in 
                         your blood. Wipin' that rich, smug smile 
                         off their faces is the only thing that 
                         puts a smile on yours. You're a good 
                         cop, Harrsion Yeats. You don't have 
                         to question that. Because I'm here to 
                         tell you. 
 
                                     YEATS
                         And you're a good wife, Maggie. You 
                         know me better than I know myself. 
 
                         
                                     MAGGIE
                         Where're you goin'?

                                     YEATS
                         Think I've got a little more work to 
                         do. 
 
               [The Jefferson house, night. Cartman walks up to the door and 
               knocks]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend 
                         in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman. 
                         Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over 
                         tonight, remember?
 
               [Mr. Jefferson room. He's on the phone with someone.]

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you, you 
                         have to fly out here right now! My nose 
                         came off again!  I know you live in 
                         California; I'll pay for your plane 
                         ticket!  But I'm falling apart! I need 
                         some more of that cream and the injections! 
                         I have to look young again!  Oh, I'm 
                         melting!
 
               [The Jefferson house, outside. A ladder is propped up against 
               the side of the house. Kyle, Stan, and another boy approach. 
               The boy wears the same mask Blanket usually does.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right. Thanks a lot for helping 
                         us, dude.
 
                                     KENNY
                         Yeah, sure, whatever. 

                                     STAN
                         You just gotta pretend you're Blanket 
                         until we can get the real Blanket somewhere 
                         safe.
 
                                     KENNY
                         Aren't I too big to be Blanket?

                                     KYLE
                          I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough 
                         attention to his son to notice. Come 
                         on! 
 
               [Blanket's bedroom. Blanket silently cries and the door creaks 
               open]
 
                                     STAN
                         Blanket, you in here?

                                     BLANKET
                          Hi guys! 

                                     KYLE
                         Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you away 
                         for a little while, okay? 
 
                                     BLANKET
                         You are? Oh thank you thank you thank 
                         you! 
 
                                     STAN
                         All right dude, get in his bed.

                                     KENNY
                          All right, but you guys owe me for 
                         this.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, whatever. At least you finally 
                         get to do something. 
 
               [Santa Barbara Police Department, Snetzl's desk. His phone rings 
               and he picks up]
 
                                     SNETZL
                         Santa Barbara Police Department, this 
                         is Snetzl.
 
               [Park County Police Department, Yeats' desk.]

                                     YEATS
                         Hello, this is Sergeant Yeats over at 
                         the Park County Police Department in 
                         Colorado.
 
                                     SNETZL
                         Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you?
 
                         
                                     YEATS
                         Well, we've been trying to frame this 
                         guy who just moved into our town, and 
                         the fil-o-fax says he moved from yoru 
                         area. One Martin Jefferson?
 
                                     SNETZL
                         Hm. No, we never had a any rich African-Americans 
                         named Jefferson here. If we had, we 
                         would have framed him ourselves.
 
                                     YEATS
                         Well, he doesn't really look that black.
 
                         
                                     SNETZL
                         Yeah, I don't uh... Hold on a second. 
                         There was oine we framed a couple of 
                         times, but the black bastard was so 
                         rich he made bail and disappeared before 
                         the trial.
 
                                     YEATS
                         You say he disappeared? What did you 
                         frame him for?
 
                                     SNETZL
                         We uhhh found some kids that had stayed 
                         over at his place, and we asked them 
                         to lie and make up some false molestation 
                         charges.
 
                                     YEATS
                         Molestation, nice.

                                     SNETZL
                         Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years, 
                         but we were finally able to arrest him. 
                         Then we planted some evidence, took 
                         embarassing photos of his penis, and 
                         threw him in a dirty prison cell with 
                         doodie feces on the walls. You should 
                         have seen him squirm!
 
                                     YEATS
                         That's damn fine police work, sergeant. 
                         Damn fine.
 
                                     SNETZL
                         Heh yeah, but the point is this guy 
                         didn't really look black either. We 
                         had to sneak in while he was asleep 
                         and get a DNA sample to be sure.
 
                                     YEATS
                          Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! It must be 
                         the same guy!
 
               [The Jefferson house. Cartman knocks on the front door again]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Jefferson, hello??

               [The bathroom. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket prepare a carry-on bag.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Blanket! We gotta go before 
                         your dad sees us. 
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         What are you doing with my Blanket? 
                          Come on, Blanket, play with me. Jeechabee 
                         durtah! Hee! 
 
                                     STAN, KYLE, BLANKET
                         HAAAAA!

                                     STAN
                         Go go RUUN! 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Sutah!

               [The Hallway. The boys run towards the stairs]

                                     STAN, KYLE, BLANKET
                         HAAAAA!

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee!

                                     STAN
                          Oh Jesus!

                                     KENNY
                         What the hell is going on, you guys?
 
                         
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket! 
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket!

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Wee, he can fly! He can fly!

                                     KENNY
                         Aaaah! Aaaah, stop! A- 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastard! 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Blanket? Blanket! Come play! 

                                     BLANKET
                         Nooo! 

                                     KYLE
                          Come on!

               [The Jefferson house, front lawn. Kyle opens the front door and 
               the boys exit]
 
                                     STAN
                         Run Blanket Run!

                                     BLANKET
                          Ah!

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Dainduh! Dainduh Dainduh!

                                     KYLE
                          Hang on, Blanket! 

                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          Dugh! Heehee! Ja-!

                                     YEATS
                          Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up! You 
                         are wanted for child mo-les-tation!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          No! I am sick and tired of people harassing 
                         Mr. Jefferson!  All I've been hearing 
                         since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick 
                         lies! That he molests children, that 
                         he's a bad father, that he has plastic 
                         surgery!
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         It's ignorant. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little 
                         different. But that's because he had 
                         to work all the time when he was young 
                         and missed out on his childhood. What's 
                         wrong with wanting to have the innocence 
                         and beauty of a child.
 
                                     KYLE
                          All right, let's just say all the bad 
                         things said about Mr. Jefferson are 
                         lies! Let's say the police department 
                         does just go around spending their time 
                         framing people for crimes they didn't 
                         commit!  Let's say it's all made up, 
                         and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy 
                         who's trying to be a child because he 
                         never got to have a childhood. Well 
                         that's fine, except for that he HAS 
                         children now! And when people have children, 
                         they have to grow up!
 
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                          You're right. I've been so obsessed 
                         with my childhood that I've forgotten 
                         about his. I thought having lots of 
                         rides and toys was enough, but... Blanket 
                         doesn't need a playmate. He needs a 
                         father, and a normal life. Chickuckoo 
                         gainuh.  Blanket, I wanna give away 
                         all my money. I I wanna get a normal 
                         job and... take a shot at raising you 
                         in a normal setting. 
 
                                     BLANKET
                         Look everybody! I'm a normal little 
                         boy.
 
                                     YEATS
                          Well, if you're gonna give away all 
                         your money, then, I guess we can drop 
                         all those charges. No point in putting 
                         another poor black man in jail.
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right! Things just might work out!
 
                         
                                     MR. JEFFERSON
                         Things can always work out, as long 
                         as we know we have the power to change. 
                         
 
               We all have the power to change if we search inside our hearts
 
               
               And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdays

               And you know it might be hard, but all you've got to do is start,
 
               
               And you can change all of your evil molesting ways.

               Jejabee durtah!

               THE END

The Jeffersons



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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