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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 605


                     "THE NEW TERRANCE AND PHILLIP MOVIE TRAILER"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Stan's house, night. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters gather 
               some snacks and put them on the coffee table in the Marsh living 
               room]
 
                                     STAN
                          This is gonna be so awesome!

                                     KYLE
                         Do we have everything?

                                     STAN
                         Chips, pop, cookies, Kleenex, toilet 
                         paper, flares - we won't have to leave 
                         the TV room for anythng!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right!

                                     KYLE
                         Look, it's almost time

               [HBC commercial]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Up next on HBC, the Russell Crowe Show!
 
                         
               [the sofa. The boys climb on it]

                                     STAN
                         Alright, here we go.

               [Russell Crowe Show intro]

                                     CHOIR
                         Born in New Zealand in sixty-four

               [Russell sails on a tugboat called "Tugger"]

               A hot-headed actor named Russell Crowe

               [Russell holds an Oscar lovingly]

               [Russell in a scene from "Gladiator"]

               Fight-in' Round The World

               [Russell fighing bar patrons at Hap's Bar]

               
               He fight his directors and he fights his fans

               [Russell holds a director up in the air by the lapels, then he 
               fights fans in a pool hall]
 
               It's a problem no one understands

               [Russell fights people in Paris]

               [spoken by a singer] If there's two things he love it's fighting 
               and,
 
               [Russell dances Russian before the Kremlin as a camera man follows 
               him at a distance]
 
               Fight-in' Round The World

               [The cameraman takes a picture and Russell beats him up]

               
               Makin' movies, makin' music and

               [a poster of Russell's new movie, "A beautiful Mind, by television's 
               Opie", then a shot of him recording a song]
 
               [slowing to half-time] Fight-in' Round The World!

               [a shot of Russell fighting off some Japanese]

               
               [spoken by a singer as a spinning globe appears behind the show 
               logo] Russell Crowe 
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Hello, everybody. I'm Russell Crowe, 
                         and this is "Fight-in' Round The World" 
                         . We're gonna have lots of fun tuhday 
                         as we travel all around, and and look 
                         for some good-  Ay! What the hell do 
                         yuh think you're doin'?!  You walked 
                         right through my shot, mate! Do you 
                         know who I am?!
 
                                     MAN
                         Oh, excuse me. I was just-  God-damned 
                         smartass! Do you think you could 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Shelley, we're watching that! Go back!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         Shut up, turd. I'm watching Buffy.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          No! Shelley, we have to watch HBC! 
                         
 
               [Russell Crowe Show]

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Oh! Get up! Get up, you little pussy! 
                         
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         The Russell Crowe Show? You turds don't 
                         even like that show!
 
                                     STAN
                         It's not the show we care about. During 
                         one of the commercial breaks of tonight's 
                         episode, they're gonna show the exclusive 
                         never-before-seen trailer to the new 
                         Terrance & Phillip movie!
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's the biggest night of the year.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                          That's stupid! See you turdy critters 
                         some other time!
 
                                     STAN
                         But all the other kids are gonna watch 
                         it and talk about it at school tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         No, turds!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shelley, did I ever tell you how hot 
                         I think you are?
 
                                     SHELLEY
                         Shut up, fat turd!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not a fat turd, I'm a stocky turd!
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                         We're not watching this! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Come on!

                                     MAN
                         Look, I apologize

                                     STAN
                         But Shelley, it's the Russell Crowe 
                         Show! You always said there's nothing 
                         you love more than Russell Crowe.
 
                         
                                     SHELLEY
                          There is one thing I love more than 
                         Russell Crowe, and that is seeing you 
                         unhappy. So, Buffy it is!
 
                                     STAN
                         Shelley, please, let us watch. We'll 
                         do anything. Anythng!
 
                                     SHELLEY
                          All right. I just started my period, 
                         and I need tampons. If one of you turds 
                         will go buy them at the store for me, 
                         you can watch your stupid turd show 
                         with your stupid turd movie commercial 
                         in it!
 
                                     STAN
                          O-K, deal.

                                     SHELLEY
                         And they'd better be here when I come 
                         back downstairs, turds! 
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Well, that was a lot of fun, wadn't 
                         it, kids? But if looks like if we're 
                         gonna get in more fights, we're gonna 
                         have to go look for 'em.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, why'd you make that deal? If 
                         we're out buying tampons, we'll miss 
                         the trailer anyway/
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ehyeah!

                                     STAN
                          Well, only one of us has to go to the 
                         store. The others can watch.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You'd miss the new trailer?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I'm not going.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, we'll have to play for it. 
                         How about... if your name is Butters, 
                         you have to go. Okay, so what's your 
                         name? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Stan.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan, okay. What's your name? 

                                     KYLE
                         Kyle.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle. What's your name? 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Butters. Aw, I lose, huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, yeah, Butters, you lose, sorry, 
                         tough break.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well just hurry, Butters. You can probably 
                         mke it back in time before the first 
                         commercial break.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, Jesus. Ah, I gotta run like the 
                         wind. 
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Well, that was a lot of fun, wadn't 
                         it, kids?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, thank God for stupid people 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Amen.

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         ...we're gonna have to go look for 'em. 
                         Where should we go fight people next, 
                         Tugger?
 
                                     TUGGER
                         TOOOOOOT

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Great idea!  Tugger thinks we should 
                         go to the faaar away of China.  China 
                         is one of the oldest civilizations on 
                         earth. And from what I understand, they 
                         LOVE a good fight! So let's go! 
 
                                     TUGGER
                         TOOOT TOOOT 

                                     MAN WITH MOUSTACHE
                         Oh my God! It's Russell Crowe!

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe! Oh my 
                         Gmah, bah bah byah byah!  Why don't 
                         you mind your own business, you scrotum?! 
                         
 
               Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, why is this guy always beating 
                         everybody up?
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          What a glorious day to spend away fight-in' 
                         round the world. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What's wrong with the colors on your 
                         TV, Stan? They're all saturated. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         They look fine to me. 

                                     KYLE
                         Just don't mess with it, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Nah, nah, the cable wire must be loose. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Just just leave it alone.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, do you wanna the Terranace & Phillip 
                         trailer with messed-up colors? I don't. 
                         How's that? 
 
                                     STAN
                         That's worse!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, how about ... that? 

                                     STAN
                         Dude!

                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit Cartman! You broke it!

                                     CARTMAN
                          It was just... I just... Butters, you 
                         asshole!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, the commercials could start any 
                         time!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't think we're watchin' them on 
                         this TV.
 
                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit! Come on, we can go watch 
                         it at my house!
 
                                     STAN
                         Get all the stuff! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey fellas. I got the tampons. Uh, I 
                         didn't miss it, did I?
 
                                     STAN
                         We're going to Kyle's house to watch! 
                         Come on! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh Jeez. 

               [The neighborhood. The boys run towards Kyle's house. Stan leads 
               the way, with Kyle and Butters following]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh boy, uh, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez

                                     STAN
                         Hurry! We can't miss the commercials!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Wait! Wait you guys! You guys! You 
                         guys, wait! You guys, wait!
 
               [Kyle's house, moments later. Ike is watching TV]

                                     A VOICE
                          ...but the Palestinian government uh 
                         is not going to see any for future- 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Huff, huff

                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh uh hurry! Hurry! Hurry! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         And so here we are in history-rich Choina.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         We made it! It hasn't gone to commercials 
                         yet. 
 
                                     KYLE, STAN, BUTTERS
                         Phew!

                                     IKE
                         Hey! Imong telling Dat!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh. Ohmigod! Huh.

                                     IKE
                         Dadadadat!

                                     KYLE
                         No Ike! They're playing the trailer 
                         to the new Terrance & Phillip movie 
                         during the show, and we have to watch 
                         it! 
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          This is Tianinman Square. Lots of good 
                         foitin' has gone on here throughout 
                         the years, including a fan-tastic massacre 
                         that took place back in '93.  These 
                         chinamen can grow to over five feet 
                         tall, and in a fight, are known to kick 
                         with their legs. Let's see if we can 
                         get in for a closer look.  Oi!  I've 
                         gotten close enough now that they're 
                         startin' to get real froigh'ened. You 
                         can see the fine hairs on the back of 
                         their necks standin' on end.  Gotcha 
                         mate!  Ay, you wanna fight, huh?!  Think 
                         you could take me, you little buggers?! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God, when is this gonna get to the comeercial? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, Ike says you kicked him off the 
                         TV.
 
                                     KYLE
                         They're goin' to show the new Terrance 
                         & Phillip trailer
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You know your brother watches the MacNeil/Lehrer 
                         Report every night at ten!
 
                                     IKE
                         Etetheh bunlapala un good night.

                                     KYLE
                         But Dad, this is all the never-before-seen 
                         footage.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         It doesn't matter! Ten to eleven is 
                         Ike's time to watch MacNeil/Lehrer
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit. Come on, guys. We gotta 
                         go to Butters' house.
 
                                     STAN
                         Aww! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Argh!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa, wait fellas.  We can't go to my 
                         house.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We can't go to my house either. It's 
                         being fumigated.
 
                                     STAN
                         AGH!  Wait! Chef just got a new plasma 
                         TV with surround-sound. Let's go to 
                         his house! Come on! 
 
                                     LEHRER
                         -takin' place there... all these years 
                         are sure to continue until the governments 
                         of these regions can actually come about 
                         soe recon-
 
                                     IKE
                         Look at Barney fly.

               [The neighborhood. The boys run towards Chef's house. Stan, Kyle, 
               and Butters run past, huffing and puffing]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ey! You guys! I'm seriouslih!

               [Chef's house, moments later. The boys are at his front door, 
               and Stan knocks]
 
                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit! If we miss the commercials, 
                         I'll never forgive my brother!
 
                                     CHEF
                          Oh. Hello there, children.

                                     THE BOYS
                          Hey Chef. 

                                     CHEF
                         Uh, how's it goin'?

               [Chef's living room. The boys are seated on the sofa, with Stan 
               trying to get the remote control working]
 
                                     CHEF
                          Oh, you wanted to see the new TV, huh? 
                          Pretty cool, ain't it?
 
                                     STAN
                          Yeahyeah, how do you change the channels?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Uh, I don't know. This TV has more features 
                         than the space shuttle.  I can't figure 
                         it out at all. 
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          -bloomin' Taj Mahal.

                                     CARTMAN
                         There, you got it, you got it!

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Freakin' Indian  doesn't even put up 
                         a  fight!
 
                                     STAN
                         We made it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, thank God.

                                     CHEF
                         Russell Crowe?? Children, you shouldn't 
                         be this show about a man who beats people 
                         up because he's insecure.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We don't give two craps about Russell 
                         Crowe, Chef. We just wanna see the trailer 
                         about the new Terrance & Phillip movie, 
                         that'ssupposed to play during the commercials.
 
                         
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Alright everyone, we're gonna take 
                         our first commercial break. But be sure 
                         not to go anywhere, because there's 
                         lot's more people to beat up.
 
                                     STAN
                         Here they come!

                                     KYLE
                         Heuh, the commercials! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' 
                         Around The World!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                          Awww!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Awww, they didn't play it. They didn't 
                         show the Terrance & Phillip trailer.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I knew it. I knew they wouldn't play 
                         it during the first commercial break.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, they want everyone to stick around 
                         and watch more of this retarded show.
 
                         
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' 
                         round the world.  Oi! Now Tugger's brought 
                         me to one of the greatest places for 
                         foightin' in North America.  Brooklyn, 
                         New York. Lots of minorities here, and 
                         they don't take kindly to whitey.  Let's 
                         get a closer look. Come on, Tugger! 
                          Looks like we got some black people, 
                         and some Puerto Ricans.  Notice the 
                         colorful rags on their heads, meaning 
                         they could be part of a gang, and therefor, 
                          real used to fightin'. 
 
                                     BLACK PLAYER
                         Hey, look at that guy over there. Ain't 
                         that that Gladiator guy?
 
                                     PUERTO RICAN PLAYER
                         Where?

                                     BLACK PLAYER
                         Behind that plant, next to that tugboat? 
                         
 
                                     PUERTO RICAN PLAYER
                         Oh yeah, I thnk it is.

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Oh my God, it's the Gladiator guy! 
                          Oh my God, I've never seen an actor 
                         before!  Why don't you choke on some 
                         pig vomit, you stupid sops!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Why can't this guy control his temper?
 
                         
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Well?? You all just gonna stand there 
                         or are you gonna fight?  Croikey, you've 
                         done it now!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thsi TV is great, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah, and it's got all kinds of cool 
                         feature, too. Check this out. You can 
                         watch three channels all at once. I 
                         think if you hit this button here-  
                         No, no wait. You hit this button here 
                          No, that's not it. Let's see.  Menu 
                          Function 
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, put it back, Chef. More commercials 
                         might come on soon. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Let's see.  Aw, damnit!

                                     KYLE
                         Get it back to normal, Chef!

                                     CHEF
                         I'm tryin', children! Menu, back, function- 
                          Enter? No, no. Back. H.E.M. 
 
                                     THE TV
                          Human eradication mode, active. 

                                     STAN
                         Oh God-damnit!

                                     KYLE
                         The TV left.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh but the next commercials will be 
                         on soon.
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, we gotta go somewhere else! 
                         
 
               [The neighborhood. The boys run towards the bar. Stan, Kyle, 
               and Butters run past, huffing and puffing]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Whre do we go? Where do we go?

                                     STAN
                         The bar! They've got a TV at the bar!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys! Aagh! God-damnit!

               [The bar. The boys burst through the door and head for the counter. 
               The TV turns on to the Russell Crowe show]
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          You fight like Norwegians, ya fairies!
 
                         
                                     THE BOYS
                         Phew!

                                     STAN
                         We made it.

                                     CARTMAN
                          This is killing me. The human body 
                         was not meant to move quickly like that.
 
                         
               [The Russell Crowe show]

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         These are the Florida Keys, a remote 
                         island chain just a few miles from... 
                         Oi! Wait a minute! Wasn't I just in 
                         Brooklyn fightin' minorities? What happened 
                         wit that?
 
                                     TUGGER
                         Mooooot.

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         It's that God-damned editor! He cut 
                         the Brooklyn scene short! Tugger, I'm 
                         gonna get him!
 
               [The editing room, moments later]

                                     EDITOR
                         Yeah. Oh I'm just working. I'm probably 
                         done around seven. 
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Who the hell do you think you are?!
 
                         
                                     EDITOR
                         I'm the editor.

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         I know you're the bloomin' editor! I 
                         mean, who the hell do you think you 
                         are cuttin' one of my foightin' scenes 
                         short?!
 
                                     EDITOR
                         Dude, the director said to cut it.
 
                         
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Moy foightin' is poetry! You don't edit 
                         Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle! 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Well that guy's just plain nuts.

                                     BARKEEP
                          Hey hey hey, whoa, you kids can't be 
                         in here. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're not kids. We're full-grown men 
                         with dwarfism! How dare you assume that 
                         all midgets are children! We demand 
                         an apology!
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         You ain't midgets, your lips are too 
                         full.  Now GET OUT!!
 
                                     STAN
                         But we have to watch the commercials 
                         in this show.
 
                                     BARKEEP
                         Look, this is a bar! We can't have children 
                         in here. People come here for debauchery 
                         and sin!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters will give hand jobs in the corner 
                         for a dollar.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs!
 
                         
                                     BARKEEP
                         GET OUT! 

                                     THE BOYS
                         Aaah!

                                     STAN
                          Come on, we gotta get to a TV! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, you've gotta be kidding' me!

               [Downtown South Park. The TV, now a robot, marches through town 
               blasting holes into buildings. Chef follows behnd on a cell phone]
 
               
                                     CHEF
                         Yes, is this customer service? I'm havin' 
                         problems with my new television. It 
                         sprouted legs and guns 'n started walkin' 
                         around shootin' people. Uh huh. Okay. 
                         Oh, so I press "menu," then "function." 
                         
 
                                     TOWNSMAN
                         Jesus!  Waaaah! 

                                     CHEF
                         No, that didn't work. Did I set it at 
                         ten o'clock? Uh, no.  Oh, really? Well, 
                         how do I do that?
 
               [Shady Acres, A Retirement Community. The boys rush in and head 
               for the empty seats in the TV room]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Find the remote! Find the remote! Hold 
                         it! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're not too late! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Come on, Tugger ol' mate. Why are you 
                         lookin' so down?
 
                                     TUGGER
                         Mooot Mooot.

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Tugger's in a bit of a sad state. Seems 
                         his girlfriend and him had a bit of 
                         a row last night.
 
                                     TUGGER
                         Mooooot.

                                     OLD MAN
                          ...What is this?

               [The Russell Crow show.]

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Come on. Cheer up, Tugger. How can I 
                         make you feel better? I know!  How would 
                         you like me to sing one of the songs 
                         off me new album?
 
                                     TUGGER
                          Nooo! Nooooo!

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         What's that, Tugger? You say you really 
                         love the songs on my album?
 
                                     TUGGER
                         Noooooooooo! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Alright then, Tugger. 

                                     TUGGER
                         Noo no. Noooooo! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         You know that you're my babih. You know 
                         I need you now.
 
                                     TUGGER
                          Noooooooooo! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         I don't know when I'm goin', but I gotta 
                         get there somehow, don't you know, somehow.
 
                         
                                     TUGGER
                          Noooooooooo! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         We'll weather it somehow.

                                     TUGGER
                          Noooooooooo! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         You can stay away tonight, but I'm not...
 
                         
                                     TUGGER
                          NOOOOO! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Tugger I feel your hearbeat, I know 
                         you feel my heart...
 
                                     TUGGER
                          NOOOOO! NOOOOO! 

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Tugger!  Tugger shot himself!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Has Russell lost Tugger for good? Find 
                         out after these messages.
 
               [Shady Acres TV room.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here we go!

                                     STAN
                         Commercial Break Number Two! 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' 
                         Around The World!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's it? That's all the commercials?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         They didn't play the Terrance & Phillip 
                         trailer again!
 
                                     STAN
                         I knew it. They're waiting until the 
                         very last commercial break.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ugh! We're gonna end up watching this 
                         whole retared Russell Crowe show!
 
                         
               [The Russell Crow show. Russell Crowe is sobbing on a sofa in 
               a hospital hallway]
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Tugger! Why'd you do it, Tugger?!  Doctor! 
                         Tell me how he is, doctor!
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, he's a very sick little tugboat.
 
                         
               [Shady Acres TV room.]

                                     OLD MAN
                         What is this? We wanna watch "Puppies 
                         From Around The World."
 
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Yeah. We don't like this show.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sh. Okay?! Old people need to be quiet 
                         right now!
 
               [The Russell Crow show.]

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         You've gotta save him, Doc! Tugger! 
                         'E's my best friend! The only friend 
                         in the world who would-
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         He's going to live, but-

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Oi! Don't you interrupt me, you vagina! 
                         I was givin' a heart-wrenchin' soliloquy 
                         about me feelin's for Tugger!
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Sorry.

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Oh, Tugger! Tugger, the world won't 
                         be as bright without ya, mate! Give 
                         it to me straight, doctor! Will Tugger 
                         live?! Tell me the truth!
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         ...Now?

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Yes, now's fine.

                                     DOCTOR
                         Oh. Uh, your tugboat's going to be okay. 
                         He just needs an oil change and a new 
                         steamstack.
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Ooo, delolly! D'you hear that, everybody?! 
                         Tugger's gonna be okay! D'you know what 
                         that makes me feel like doin'? Fightin'! 
                         
 
               [Shady Acres TV room.]

                                     OLD MAN
                         This show is too violent! Put the puppies 
                         back on!
 
                                     OLD FOLKS
                         Yeah!

                                     OLD WOMAN 2
                         Please

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up! Shut the hell up! We're watching 
                         this until the next commercial and that's 
                         final, old people!
 
                                     OLD MAN 2
                         All right, that does it! We know how 
                         to get our way! Everyone, on the count 
                         of three, release your bowels! One! 
                         Two! 
 
                                     THE BOYS
                          Awww!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eewww!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, God, it's horrible! 

               [Shady Acres entrance.]

                                     KYLE
                         That'd disgusting, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         God, I hate old people!

                                     STAN
                         We have to go to Butters' or Cartman's 
                         house! We have nowhere else to go!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         I told you, we can't go to my house!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         And my house is being fumigated!

                                     STAN
                         Well, screw it! We'll watch it in your 
                         house even if it is being fumigated!
 
                         
               [The neighborhood. The boys rush to Cartman's house.]

                                     THE BOYS
                          ...come on! 

               [Cartman's house and garage, under purple and orange tarps. The 
               boys enter a living room filled with fumigation gas, which makes 
               the room look foggy.]
 
               [The Russell Crow show.]

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Crikey! Our Tugger looks healthy, happy, 
                         and  fit as a whistle!
 
               [Cartman's living room]

                                     KYLE
                         It's okay, it's still the show.

               [The Russell Crow show.]

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         But you know, Tugger's attempted suicide 
                         made me realize that I should take up 
                         a cause. Most great actors take up causes, 
                         and I'm the greatest of them all! So, 
                         from now on i'm goona spend all my spare 
                         time ...fighting cancer.  Right! Where 
                         is that pussy cnacer anyway?!
 
               [Cartman's living room. the gas is overwhelming them, and they 
               look ready to pass out]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, dude, I don't know how I can take 
                         it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Me neither. I'll be dead before the 
                         commercials. Wait a minute! I forgot 
                         there's a black and white television 
                         back at my house!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Will your sister let us watch it?

                                     STAN
                         She has to! 

               [The neighborhood. The boys rush back to Stan's house.]

                                     STAN
                         Hurry! The commercials will be on any 
                         minute!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw! Oh man! Uh, uh uh uh...

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey you guys! Eugh! Oh God! Oh, Jesus 
                         help me!  Oh! I forgot the doughnuts! 
                          Oooh! Oh oh!  Oh my God!  Leave those 
                         doughnuts at home!
 
               [Stan's house. The boys reach the front door.]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh Jesus! Wait.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     BUTTERS
                         I never gave Shelley her tampons. She's 
                         been those whole time without them. 
                         
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh. 

                                     SHELLEY
                         I told you I needed tampons, tuurrddsss!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Look! Crack addicts with a television! 
                         
 
               [The Russell Crowe show. Russell is in a hospital room with Tugger]
 
               
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Well, we couldn't fight cancer, but 
                         we found a man with cancer.  Take that, 
                         cancer! And that! 
 
                                     TUGGER
                         Mooot Mooot! 

                                     STAN
                         The last commercial break has to be 
                         coming on any second! 
 
                                     ALL
                         AAAAA! 

                                     CHEF
                          ...Yes, I pressed "menu" three thimes! 
                          No! It's givin' me the same error message! 
                          Yes I read the instruction maual!
 
                         
               [Luau's Toys, moments later. The boys run by]

                                     THE BOYS
                          Where do we go?!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh Jesus! Now where do we go??

                                     STAN
                         We've tried everywhere! Butters, are 
                         you absolutely sure we can't go to your 
                         house??
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm sure! there's no way!

                                     KYLE
                         Uh why not?!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh because! Uh my parents are out of 
                         town, and I don't have a babysitter.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, God-damnit you better be kidding!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         No! I really dont have a babysitter. 
                         That's why I'm stayin' at Stan's.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         This whole time your TV is in a house 
                         with nobody in it?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, let's just go! We'll kill Butters 
                         later! 
 
               [Butters' house, minutes later. The boys burst through the front 
               door]
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         AAAAA!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         The time has come! Turn it on, turn 
                         it on! 
 
               [The Russell Crow show.]

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         And so we'll be right back after these 
                         commercials.
 
                                     STAN
                         We've made it! 

                                     KYLE
                         The last commercial break is starting!
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Don't go anywhere. Russell Crowe will 
                         be right back after a few more commercials. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         These commercials are all so God-damned 
                         stupid!
 
                                     STAN
                         Jesus Christ, how long is this commercial 
                         break gonna be??
 
                                     KYLE
                         What if they don't show the Terrance 
                         & Phillip trailer at all? What if we 
                         went through all of this for nothing?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         They have to show it! They promised 
                         they would!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, calm down. This is what TV 
                         shows always do. They make the last 
                         commercial break the longest.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's bullcrap! TV shows are gay!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Wait a minute! Look!  "The following 
                         preview has..." This is it! This is 
                         it!
 
               [The Terrance & Phillip trailer]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Coming this summer! The greatest Canadian 
                         duo of all time is back.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Woohoo!!! 

                                     STAN, KYLE, BUTTERS
                         Yeeeeesss! 

                                     STAN
                         That looks AWEsome! 

                                     KYLE
                         They were wearing cowboy hats!  Did 
                         you see??  Did you see?? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Clyde, Clyde? Did you see that?  Yeah, 
                         we- Whoa, we think it's gonna be good, 
                         too.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, I'm so glad we didn't miss it! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, Clyde said he taped it and 
                         kids can come over to have a see.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh, dude, let's go!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, that's even better than their first 
                         movie, huh?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, it sure does!

                                     STAN
                         I wonder if it all a western?

                                     BUTTERS
                         How far away is June?

               [The Russell Crow show, sunset. The sun is about to drop over 
               the horizon behind Russell and Tugger.]
 
                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                         Well, we sure had a good time today, 
                         didn't we, kids? We fought some Chinamen, 
                         a few packers, and a lot of Colombians, 
                         to name just a few. But I sure am glad 
                         we got ol' Wally B. back. Aren't you?? 
                         
 
                                     WALLY B.
                         I'm glad to be back, Rusell! 

                                     A GIRL
                         Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe!

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Oh my God it's Russell Crowe! Oh my 
                         bluh bluh bluh!!  Why don't you flush 
                         yourself down the toilet, you cu- 
 
                         
                                     TUGGER
                         Mooo-oooo.

                                     RUSSELL CROWE
                          Uh oh, Tugger's whistle. You know what 
                         that means. 
 
               Tugger's whistle's blowin'

               Means we must be goin'

               No more Russell Crowein' for you.

               [does some boxing moves and then hops into the boat]

               But now don't you start to whine

               I'll see ya again next time.

               'Cause there's plenty a-more a-foightin' left to do.

               [Wally B. hops closer, and finally into Russell's arms. Next 
               shot, a departing Tugger, headed for the sunset. Russell appears 
               and sings the signature line, slowing with every word]
 
               Makin' movies, makin' songs, an' foightin' round the world.
 
               
               See you next time, everybody! [waves to the camera]

               [South Park, night. Chef's TV is still walking around, but this 
               time away from town. It's showing the Russell Crowe show. Chef 
               is still trying to shut it down.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         So I'm supposed to press "menu," then 
                         "function," then "enter."
 
               THE END

The New Terrance And Phillip Movie Trailer



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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