The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 803


                              "THE PASSION OF THE JEW"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Cartman's house, day. A minivan rocks gently on the street. 
               Inside, the boys make their interpretations of spaceship noises. 
               Good boys that they are, they're strapped in. They're wearing 
               football helmets and makeshift Starfleet uniforms]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Captain Cartman reporting from Shuttlecraft 
                         Spontaneity. Approaching planet Omega 
                         Nine.
 
                                     STAN
                         Warp drive disengaged. Landing sequence 
                         initiated.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What kind of atmosphere are you reading 
                         on the planet surface, Jew?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm a Vulcan!

                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, what kind of atmosphere are 
                         you reading, Vulcan Jew?
 
                                     KYLE
                          The atmosphere is oxygen-based, should 
                         support our breathing.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, hang on. We're about to land. 
                          Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer 
                         Kenny, you come with me on the away 
                         team. Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No! I'm on the away team too! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the 
                         captain, Kyle!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I don't care! You're not making me wait 
                         in the van again!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong 
                         out there on the planet surface, don't 
                         hold me responsible.
 
               [The side door slides open. Cartman leads the other three out, 
               so Kyle joins them after all.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Set phasers on stun.

                                     STAN
                         Things seem pretty quiet.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. A little too quiet.

                                     KYLE
                         I am picking up carbon-based life forms 
                         in Sector C. I believe we will find 
                         a village of peaceful aliens over that 
                         ridge. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for- 
                         Oh no!! Look out!! It's a giant four-headed 
                         lava frog!! Shoot it!!  Oh no, it got 
                         Kyle!!
 
                                     KYLE
                          No it doesn't. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his 
                         head off!!  Aw you guys, it looks like 
                         Kyle is done for.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No I'm not! Goddamnit Cartman, you're 
                         not gonna kill me off again!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't 
                         bring Jews along on the away team: they 
                         don't play along!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't 
                         know anything!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh God, here we go again.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie, 
                         The Passion, and Mel Gibson says, in 
                         the movie, Jews are the Devil!
 
                                     KYLE
                         He does not!

                                     CARTMAN
                         How do you know?! I've seen The Passion 
                         thirty-four times now, Kyle! You haven't 
                         seen it once! There's even one part 
                         where the Jews have a chance to save 
                         Jesus, and you know what they do? They 
                         let Barabbas, a serial killer, go free 
                         instead and laugh about it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Naw uh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Go see the movie, Kyle!!

                                     STAN
                         That does it! I'm sick of you guys arguing 
                         about The Passion! I'm out of here.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Me too!) 

                                     KYLE
                         I'm not arguing about The Passion! He's 
                         being an asshole!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You know what it is? You're scared. 
                         You're scared of the truth. You don't 
                         want that movie to show you just how 
                         bad the Jews are, and why everyone hates 
                         you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         People don't hate the Jews!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Really? Three hundred million domestic 
                         box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film 
                         of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't 
                         lie. If you're not scared of The Passion 
                         then go see it. Go see it and tell me 
                         I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         ...You're a stupid asshole! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweeet, now I can just play with myself. 
                          Pewpeww-pewww! Get back in the shuttlecraft! 
                         
 
               [The Bijou, day. Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ is now 
               playing. Kyle walks up to the ticket booth, stops, turns back, 
               stops again, and steps up to the window. He gives the cashier 
               $20]
 
                                     KYLE
                         One please.

                                     SHLOMO
                         This is an R-rated movie.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, I know, but I have to-

                                     SHLOMO
                         But, because this is such an important 
                         film that actually depicts the selfless 
                         act of Jesus Christ, I'll let you in 
                         to see it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...Thanks. 

               [The Bijou, inside. Kyle enters and makes his way to a seat. 
               He watches.]
 
                                     SOLDIER 1
                         Hac bashtud Christo.

                                     SOLDIER 2
                         Et lac Hesus. Belaca veshtad.

                                     JESUS
                         Wa! 

                                     KYLE
                         Haaaah! 

                                     JESUS
                         Non. Non. Nono, non, non, WAAAAHH!! 
                         
 
               [The Bijou, outside. Kyle walks outside in a daze.]

                                     KYLE
                         How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus?
 
                         
                                     SHLOMO
                         Pretty brutal, isn't it? Kinda wanna 
                         make you change your life, huh?
 
               [Cartman's house, day. He's on the couch eating cereal]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, back to Terrance and Phillip. 
                         
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Hey Terrance, I think I have a-

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom! Doorbell!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Wait, before you do, pull my thumb. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Mom! Answer the door!

                                     TERRANCE
                         Hey Phillip, guess what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit, lazy-ass whore. 

                                     PHILLIP
                         What? 

                                     KYLE
                         You were right. You were right all along. 
                         I thought you were just an asshole when 
                         you ripped on Jews, but... I didn't 
                         know, I... I didn't know.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's okay, Kyle. It's okay. Just... 
                         say that first part again?
 
                                     KYLE
                         You were, you were right?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Mmm, one more time, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         You were right. 

               [Cartman's house, his bedroom. Cartman's on his knees]

                                     CARTMAN
                         I want to thank you for all the blessings 
                         you have brought me. You have shown 
                         me the way so many times in the past 
                         and... now you are making all my dreams 
                         come true. You give me strength when 
                         there is doubt, and I praise you for 
                         all you have done.  Only you, Mel Gibson, 
                         have had the wisdom and the courage 
                         to show the world the truth. From this 
                         day forward I will dedicate my life 
                         to making sure your film is seen by 
                         everyone. I will organize the masses 
                         so that we may do thy bidding. Hail 
                         Mel Gibson. Amen.
 
               [Stan's house. He and Kenny are in his bedroom reading a newspaper.]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Look at that, dude. The Passion has 
                         made almost 400 milliion dollars at 
                         the box office now.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Goddamn.)

                                     STAN
                          Everyone in the country's gonna see 
                         that movie. I guess... we have to ge 
                         see it too.
 
               [The Bijou, day. No clouds around. Stan and Kenny sit inside 
               in the middle, looking at the movie. The movie ends]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude. That movie sucked.

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, it totally sucked!)

                                     STAN
                         How can they even call that a movie?
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (I dunno)

                                     STAN
                         That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our 
                         money back.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!) 

               [The Bijou, outside. A couple emerges]

                                     JACK
                         Wow, I didn't realize how horrible Christ's 
                         death was.
 
                                     ELISE
                         Me neither. Oh honey, let's be good 
                         Christians from now on! 
 
                                     MAN 1
                          I think if more people saw The Passion 
                         they'd have faith in Jesus.
 
                                     WOMAN 1
                          Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into 
                         believing. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, we want our money back.

                                     SHLOMO
                         Huh?

                                     STAN
                         That movie sucked ass. Give us back 
                         our eighteen dollars.
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         I can't refund your money. You sat through 
                         the whole movie.
 
                                     STAN
                         That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff 
                         film!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     STAN
                         You can't charge people to watch a guy 
                         get tortured for two hours!
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         That guy happened to be Jesus, and he 
                         went through all that to pay for YOUR 
                         SINS!
 
                                     STAN
                         We go to church to learn that stuff! 
                         We go to movies to be entertained! We 
                         weren't entertained, and we want our 
                         money back!
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         I'm now allowed to give you your money 
                         back after you sat through the whole 
                         movie! You'd have to take your complaint 
                         up with the film's producers.
 
                                     STAN
                         W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we 
                         have to get our money back from Mel 
                         Gibson?
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         Yeah. I'd like to see you try.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, we will! This is America! And in 
                         America, if something sucks, you're 
                         supposed to be able to get your money 
                         back! Come on, Kenny! 
 
                                     PRIESTS
                         Kill him! Guilty! Kill him!  Kill him! 
                         Kill him! Die!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kill Jesus! Yesss! Arrrgh! 

               [Stan's house, day. Stan and Kenny are at Stan's computer]

                                     STAN
                         Okay, search for Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson 
                         bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson... 
                         home page. Here we go.  Welcome to Mel 
                         Gibson's ThePassion.com, your source 
                         for everything Mel. Pictures, philosophy, 
                         upcoming projects. Damnit, no phone 
                         number! Oh wait! "For more information 
                         on Mel Gibson, call the Webmaster at 
                         1-800-43.." Okay, okay, wait, here we 
                         go. 
 
               MEL GIBSON

               FAN CLUB LINE

               [the phone rings. Cartman answers.]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to 
                         see The Passion
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh huh, and so you want to join the 
                         fan club now. Our first meeting is at 
                         5:30 p.m.
 
                                     STAN
                         Nonono, no, we want our money back.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         We think the movie sucked and we want 
                         Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen 
                         dollars. Do you know how we can get 
                         in touch with him?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently, 
                         you don't understand what Mel Gibson 
                         was trying to do! He was trying to express, 
                         through cinema, the horror and filthiness 
                         of the common Jew. It has made people 
                         the world over open their eyes.
 
                                     STAN
                         Look, kid, we just thought it was a 
                         bad movie, so tell us how to get in 
                         touch with Mel Gibson so we can get 
                         our money back!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd 
                         be down on the floor licking his balls 
                         at this very moment, sir. All I know 
                         is he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now 
                         stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, 
                         you little wussy prick.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid! 
                         I'll kick your ass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ohoh yeah?! I'd like to see you try, 
                         asshole! I'm like six feet tall!
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't care! You sound like a little 
                         bitch to me!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Bitch?! Don't call me bitch! I'll pop 
                         your fuckin' head open!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little 
                         pussy?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I already brought it, bitch! I brought 
                         it, set it down on the table and opened 
                         it, bitch!
 
                                     STAN
                          Wait a minute. Cartman?! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eup. 

                                     STAN
                          Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Malibu? But how?)

                                     STAN
                         We'll take the bus! Look, this isn't 
                         about the eighteen dollars ticket money 
                         anymore. This is about being able to 
                         hold bad filmmakers responsible!  This 
                         is just like when we got our money back 
                         for BASEketball!
 
               [Cartman's house, day. Cartman dons a Nazi outfit, taking care 
               to look sharp]
 
                                     LIANE
                         Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people 
                         showing up in our backyard saying something 
                         about a meeting?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for 
                         all the people who loved The Passion 
                         as much as I did.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, that's great, sweetie.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Tell them I'll be down shortly

                                     LIANE
                         Okay, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Töten sie die Juden. Wir können nicht 
                         stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! Okay, 
                         I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, 
                         Mel Gibson. 
 
               [Cartman's backyard. Some people are seated, others chat, others 
               help themselves to chips and fingerfoods]
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Hello, are you folks holding this Passion 
                         meeting?
 
                                     JACK
                         No. Actually, we're guests as well. 
                         I'm Jack Garrett and this is my wife 
                         Elise.
 
                                     ELISE
                         Hello.

                                     MAN 1
                         I think it's so great that someone took 
                         the initiative to have a meeting like 
                         this.
 
                                     ELISE
                         Oh I agree. There are so many of us 
                         who are moved by The Passion. It's a 
                         perfect idea to have us organize so 
                         we can strengthen the Christian community.
 
                         
                                     MAN 1
                         And apparently the organizer is just 
                         an eight year old boy who was touched 
                         by the film.
 
                                     JACK
                         Leave it to a child to show us all the 
                         way, huh?
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet 
                         saying if you love The Passion to come 
                         to this meeting, so here I am!
 
                                     WOMAN 1
                         It's great that everyone came here to 
                         figure out how to use The Passion to 
                         enrich everyone's lives. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah hello everyone. Achtung.  My name 
                         is Eric Cartman and I'm the President 
                         of the Mel Gibson Fan Club.  Ah thank 
                         you, thank you. I'm happy to see that 
                         all of you.were affected by The Passion 
                         like I was. Now, we all know why we're 
                         here, and I believe we all what needs 
                         to be done.
 
                                     WOMAN 2
                          We sure do. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         But, I think it's best we don't talk 
                         out loud about it until we have most 
                         of them on the trains heading to the 
                         camps. 
 
                                     ELISE
                          Wha, what does that mean, sweetie?
 
                         
                                     JACK
                         I'm not sure, but-uh.  Folks, I just 
                         wanna interrupt for a second and say 
                         how remarkable it is that this little 
                         boy brought us all together. The Passion 
                         is causing a revolution of spirituality, 
                         and we owe Mel Gibson and this little 
                         boy our thanks. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Thank you, thank you very much. Now, 
                         in order to do what we  all know needs 
                         to be done, we are first going to need 
                         more support. I think we should all 
                         go out and take at least one other person 
                         to see The Passion.
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Oh, what a great idea! We each make 
                         it our responsibility to convert one 
                         more person!
 
                                     GUESTS
                         Heheh great! Yeah! Great idea.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, 
                         if you know what I mean.
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         We sure do!

                                     GUESTS
                         Yeah. All right. Woohoo!

               [Mel's Malibu mansion, day. A rusty Beetle rolls up to the front 
               security gate, stops, and lets out some passengers, then rolls 
               away. Stan and Kenny remain]
 
                                     STAN
                         Thank you.  This must be the place. 
                          Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded. 
                         
 
                                     MEL
                         Yes?

                                     STAN
                         Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this 
                         is Kenny
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Hello)

                                     STAN
                         Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, 
                         and we didn't like it, so, can we have 
                         our money back, please?
 
                                     MEL
                         You can't not like The Passion! I just 
                         followed the Bible! Christ died for 
                         you. Go home. 
 
               [Mel's mansion, inside]

                                     STAN
                         Look, dude, we came a long way. We're 
                         not leaving until you give us our money.
 
                         
                                     MEL
                         Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find 
                         it first.  But I won't tell you where 
                         I keep my money.  You can torture me 
                         all you want, I still won't tell you!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Tor-torture you?

                                     MEL
                          Ha! So you DO intend to torture me, 
                         huh?!  Well go ahead! Do your worst! 
                          You STILL won't get your ticket money 
                         back! I can take whatever you can dish 
                         out!
 
                                     STAN
                         We don't want to torture you.

                                     MEL
                         I get it, but you don't have a choice, 
                         is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure 
                         hope you don't use those whips over 
                         there on the wall!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, can we please just have the eighteen 
                         dollars back from you?
 
                                     MEL
                          I have to use that money to build my 
                         church! I brought the fire and brimstone 
                         back to Christianity with The Passion 
                         and now I'm gonna start my own church! 
                         And do you know why?! So I can play 
                         banjo!  Jesus, oh how I love ya, how 
                         I love ya Jesus!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy!

                                     MEL
                         How dare you call me crazy! This means 
                         war! 
 
               [South Park Church, rectory. Fr. Maxi sits at his desk explaining 
               things to Kyle]
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                         And so it was that God sent his only 
                         son down from heaven, to die for our 
                         sins.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die, 
                         or did Jesus just get kind of screwed 
                         over.
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                         ...What is troubling you, my child?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well, I have this friend, see? And this 
                         friend belongs to a certain, Chosen 
                         People of Israel. And it ...so happens 
                         that these chosen people killed your 
                         Lord.
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                         Ah! You mean he's a Jew!

                                     KYLE
                         Right. But he can't live with the guilt 
                         anymore. Because, even if Jesus wasn't 
                         really the Son of God, he was still 
                         a nice guy. And he didn't deserve what 
                         happened to him in Mel Gibson's movie. 
                         I I can't sleep at night. I mean, my... 
                         friend can't sleep at night.
 
                                     FR. MAXI
                         Yes, The Passion is very powerful. The 
                         truth is, there's not a whole lot in 
                         the Bible about the Crucifixion. The 
                         Passion was actually done as a performance 
                         piece back in the Middle Ages to incite 
                         people against the Jews.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But how can the Jews make it better??
 
                         
                                     FR. MAXI
                         Well, if you really care about your 
                         friend's soul, then perhaps show him 
                         the way of Jesus. Remember: Christianity 
                         is about... atonement.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wait. That's it. Atonement. Of course. 
                          I know what I have to do now. Thank 
                         you, Father. 
 
               [Back at Mel's mansion, Stan and Kenny are still running from 
               Mel, who's chasing after them in a cartoonish way. Mel passes 
               a mirror, then gets back to it a second later]
 
                                     MEL
                         Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would 
                         haul that tanker You wanna get outta 
                         here? Talk to me. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Mel Gibson is fucking crazy dude!  Wait! 
                         There's his wallet! 
 
                                     MEL
                         Freedom!!! 

                                     STAN
                         Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You 
                         got two dollars, Kenny?? 
 
                                     MEL
                         Jesus is Lord!!! 

                                     STAN
                         All right, let's get the hell out of 
                         here! 
 
                                     MEL
                         When you're a clown, nobody takes you 
                         seriously!
 
               [Outside]

                                     STAN
                         Run, dude, run!

                                     MEL
                          K'plagh! K'plagh! And good evening, 
                         friends!
 
               [The Bijou, day. A large cross is erected atop the Bijou sign. 
               A crowd gathers and acclaims it]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         One month ago today, this amazing film 
                         opened in theaters. And now, we proud 
                         few gathere here as a people brought 
                         together by its message!  Fellow fans 
                         of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown 
                         and now, together, we have the power 
                         to change the world!  Now I believe 
                         we should take to the streets and march 
                         in unwavering support of this important 
                         movie!
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         What a great idea!

                                     MAN 3
                         It'll be like a parade!

                                     MAN 4
                         Good idea!

                                     CARTMAN
                         And as we march for The Pasion we should 
                         also voice our support! So, when I say 
                         "Es ist Zeit für sauberen," you all 
                         chant back "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten."
 
                         
                                     ELISE
                         Well, what does that mean, dear?

                                     JACK
                         Oh, I think it's Aramaic. You know, 
                         like in the movie.
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         Ooo, Aramaic. Cool.

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Neato! That'll be awesome. Great!

                                     JACK
                         What was our Aramaic line again?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! 
 
                         
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                          Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Es ist Zeit für Rache!

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.

                                     ELISE
                         Oh huh, this is fun! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          All right, everyone! Forward, march! 
                          Es ist Zeit für Rache!
 
                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Es ist Zeit für Rache!

                                     TOWNSFOLK
                         Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nice.

               [A synagogue. A service is going on, and the synagogue is full]
 
               
                                     RABBI
                         Shalom hak nak shalom. And now one of 
                         our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, 
                         has asked if he could speak to the congragation. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Thank you, rabbi.  In 1973, the United 
                         States officially issued an apology 
                         to the African American community for 
                         slavery. In 1956, Germany officially 
                         apologized for World War II AND the 
                         Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, 
                         the Jewish community needs to apologize 
                         for the death of Jesus.
 
                                     MAN 5
                         What? 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Whatwhatwhaaat?!

                                     KYLE
                         If we as a people choose not to believe 
                         that Jesus is the Son of God, then we 
                         can still apologize for the brutal way 
                         in which he was killed, and take our 
                         share of the responsibility for it.
 
                         
                                     MAN 6
                         Oh my God! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, what on earth has gotten into 
                         you?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I saw The Passion.

                                     MAN 7
                         Oh no! The Passion?! 

                                     MAN 8
                         This proves the anti-Semitic effect 
                         that movie is having!
 
                                     MAN 9
                         Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes.
 
                         
                                     MAN 10
                         Stereotyping Jews is terrible.

                                     WOMAN 3
                         Something must be done to stop that 
                         movie!
 
                                     RABBI
                         Now, now, everyone calm down. We live 
                         in a rational community, and everyone 
                         knows this is just a movie. There's 
                         no cause for alarm.
 
                                     MOB
                          Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Es ist Zeit für Rache! 

                                     MOB
                         Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Es ist Zeit für Rache!

                                     MOB
                         Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Es ist Zeit für Rache!

               [The southwest, desert territory. A tour bus heads east, with 
               Stan and Kenny riding inside]
 
                                     STAN
                         Well it looks like with these bus tickets 
                         we spend about eighty... seven dollars 
                         getting our money back from Mel Gibson. 
                          But I think it's the principle of the 
                         thing that matters.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah. And the truth.) 

                                     STAN
                         Oh, you've got to be shittin' me. 
 
                         
                                     MEL
                         Give me back my money! 

                                     STAN
                         Goddamn, that guy's crazy.  Hey dude, 
                         you've gotta speed up.
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Huh?

                                     STAN
                         Mel Gibson is chasing after us. You've 
                         gotta go faster.
 
                                     DRIVER
                         Haha, very funny, kid. Sit down and 
                         stop playing games.
 
                                     STAN
                         I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is 
                         right behind you and he's gonna- 
 
                         
                                     DRIVER
                         What the hell?

                                     MEL
                          HAAAA! K'PLAAAH!

                                     DRIVER
                         Hey! That's Mel Gibson!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. I told you that!

                                     DRIVER
                         Well, what the hell does he want?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         He wouldn't give us our money back for 
                         The Passion, so we kinda took it.
 
                         
                                     DRIVER
                         You didn't like The Passion? But it 
                         shows how Christ suffered for you. Mel 
                         Gibson is a very spiritual man. 
 
               [The Bijou, night. The synagogue's congregation moves quickly 
               down the street towards the theater]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Both you guys, stop! Please. You're 
                         gonna make people hate us more.
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         Can I help you?

                                     RABBI
                         This movie is causing anti-Semitism! 
                         You must remove it from your theater!
 
                         
                                     CONGREGANTS
                         That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie!
 
                         
                                     SHLOMO
                         Remove it from the theater? Fat chance!
 
                         
                                     MAN 11
                         We demand you stop showing it!

                                     CONGREGANTS
                         Yeah! Yeah!

                                     KYLE
                          Nonono! Don't become an angry mob! 
                          The last time we did that we killed 
                         Jesus!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Juden!

                                     JACK
                         What's going on here?

                                     SHLOMO
                         They're trying to have The Passion pulled 
                         from the theater.
 
                                     RABBI
                         This film is anti-Semitic and it must 
                         be stopped!
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Nonsense! Mel Gibson is a smart and 
                         spiritual man! There's nothing anti-Semitic 
                         about it!
 
                                     ELISE
                         It has reaffirmed all of our faith in 
                         Christ.
 
                                     RABBI
                         It's made one of our little Jewish boys 
                         want to apologize for the death of Jesus!
 
                         
                                     JACK
                         Well, maybe you should apologize.

                                     MOB
                         That's right! What he said.

                                     WOMAN 4
                         How dare you?! 

                                     KYLE
                          Look out!! 

                                     MEL
                         Give me my eighteen dollars!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mel! Gibson!  Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer! 
                         You're actually here! Mr. Gibson, I 
                         have assembled the masses! We are ready 
                         to do thy bidding!  Have I been a good 
                         boy, Mr. Gibson?!
 
                                     MEL
                         Hhha!  So! You boys have led me here 
                         to your secret base, huh? I guess now 
                         you're gonna start torturing me! Well! 
                          Oh, my nipples are so tender! Ddon't 
                         squeeze them anymore!
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         That's... Mel Gibson?

                                     JACK
                         H-he's not... quite as eloquent as I 
                         had pictured.
 
                                     MEL
                          Yeah...  Well. I guess you wanna torture 
                         me now, don't you?!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, what's wrong with him?

                                     STAN
                         He's kookoo, dude. He's absolutely out 
                         of his mind.
 
                                     MEL
                         You! You would all love to torture me, 
                         wouldn't you?  Okay, fine. See what 
                         you can fit in there, I can take it!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! I've been freaked out this whole 
                         time because of THAT guy's movie?
 
                         
                                     MEL
                          Fine! If nobody here is man enough 
                         to torture me, then just give me my 
                         eighteen dollars!
 
                                     STAN
                         It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie 
                         sucked!
 
                                     MEL
                         You can't say my movie sucked, or else 
                         you're saying Christianity sucked!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, 
                         that's cool, but, you should follow 
                         what Jesus taught instead of how he 
                         got killed. Focusing on how he got killed 
                         is what people did in the Dark Ages 
                         and it ends up with really bad results.
 
                         
                                     JACK
                         You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't 
                         focus our faith on the torture and execution 
                         of Christ.
 
                                     SHLOMO
                         Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in 
                         those times. We shouldn't rely on violence 
                         to inspire faith.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so 
                         close to completing my final solution!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, dude, I feel so much better about 
                         being Jewish now that I see that Mel 
                         Gibson is just a big wacko douche. 
 
                         
                                     MEL
                         Woohoohoo! Woohoohoohoohoo! 

               THE END

The Passion Of The Jew



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy