"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 803
"THE PASSION OF THE JEW"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Cartman's house, day. A minivan rocks gently on the street.
Inside, the boys make their interpretations of spaceship noises.
Good boys that they are, they're strapped in. They're wearing
football helmets and makeshift Starfleet uniforms]
CARTMAN
Captain Cartman reporting from Shuttlecraft
Spontaneity. Approaching planet Omega
Nine.
STAN
Warp drive disengaged. Landing sequence
initiated.
CARTMAN
What kind of atmosphere are you reading
on the planet surface, Jew?
KYLE
I'm a Vulcan!
CARTMAN
All right, what kind of atmosphere are
you reading, Vulcan Jew?
KYLE
The atmosphere is oxygen-based, should
support our breathing.
CARTMAN
All right, hang on. We're about to land.
Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer
Kenny, you come with me on the away
team. Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here.
KYLE
No! I'm on the away team too!
CARTMAN
It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the
captain, Kyle!
KYLE
I don't care! You're not making me wait
in the van again!
CARTMAN
Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong
out there on the planet surface, don't
hold me responsible.
[The side door slides open. Cartman leads the other three out,
so Kyle joins them after all.]
CARTMAN
Set phasers on stun.
STAN
Things seem pretty quiet.
CARTMAN
Yes. A little too quiet.
KYLE
I am picking up carbon-based life forms
in Sector C. I believe we will find
a village of peaceful aliens over that
ridge.
CARTMAN
Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for-
Oh no!! Look out!! It's a giant four-headed
lava frog!! Shoot it!! Oh no, it got
Kyle!!
KYLE
No it doesn't.
CARTMAN
Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his
head off!! Aw you guys, it looks like
Kyle is done for.
KYLE
No I'm not! Goddamnit Cartman, you're
not gonna kill me off again!
CARTMAN
Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't
bring Jews along on the away team: they
don't play along!
KYLE
Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't
know anything!
STAN
Oh God, here we go again.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie,
The Passion, and Mel Gibson says, in
the movie, Jews are the Devil!
KYLE
He does not!
CARTMAN
How do you know?! I've seen The Passion
thirty-four times now, Kyle! You haven't
seen it once! There's even one part
where the Jews have a chance to save
Jesus, and you know what they do? They
let Barabbas, a serial killer, go free
instead and laugh about it.
KYLE
Naw uh!
CARTMAN
Go see the movie, Kyle!!
STAN
That does it! I'm sick of you guys arguing
about The Passion! I'm out of here.
KENNY
(Me too!)
KYLE
I'm not arguing about The Passion! He's
being an asshole!
CARTMAN
You know what it is? You're scared.
You're scared of the truth. You don't
want that movie to show you just how
bad the Jews are, and why everyone hates
you.
KYLE
People don't hate the Jews!
CARTMAN
Really? Three hundred million domestic
box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film
of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't
lie. If you're not scared of The Passion
then go see it. Go see it and tell me
I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.
KYLE
...You're a stupid asshole!
CARTMAN
Sweeet, now I can just play with myself.
Pewpeww-pewww! Get back in the shuttlecraft!
[The Bijou, day. Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ is now
playing. Kyle walks up to the ticket booth, stops, turns back,
stops again, and steps up to the window. He gives the cashier
$20]
KYLE
One please.
SHLOMO
This is an R-rated movie.
KYLE
Yeah, I know, but I have to-
SHLOMO
But, because this is such an important
film that actually depicts the selfless
act of Jesus Christ, I'll let you in
to see it.
KYLE
...Thanks.
[The Bijou, inside. Kyle enters and makes his way to a seat.
He watches.]
SOLDIER 1
Hac bashtud Christo.
SOLDIER 2
Et lac Hesus. Belaca veshtad.
JESUS
Wa!
KYLE
Haaaah!
JESUS
Non. Non. Nono, non, non, WAAAAHH!!
[The Bijou, outside. Kyle walks outside in a daze.]
KYLE
How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus?
SHLOMO
Pretty brutal, isn't it? Kinda wanna
make you change your life, huh?
[Cartman's house, day. He's on the couch eating cereal]
ANNOUNCER
And now, back to Terrance and Phillip.
PHILLIP
Hey Terrance, I think I have a-
CARTMAN
Mom! Doorbell!
TERRANCE
Wait, before you do, pull my thumb.
CARTMAN
Mom! Answer the door!
TERRANCE
Hey Phillip, guess what?
CARTMAN
Goddamnit, lazy-ass whore.
PHILLIP
What?
KYLE
You were right. You were right all along.
I thought you were just an asshole when
you ripped on Jews, but... I didn't
know, I... I didn't know.
CARTMAN
It's okay, Kyle. It's okay. Just...
say that first part again?
KYLE
You were, you were right?
CARTMAN
Mmm, one more time, Kyle.
KYLE
You were right.
[Cartman's house, his bedroom. Cartman's on his knees]
CARTMAN
I want to thank you for all the blessings
you have brought me. You have shown
me the way so many times in the past
and... now you are making all my dreams
come true. You give me strength when
there is doubt, and I praise you for
all you have done. Only you, Mel Gibson,
have had the wisdom and the courage
to show the world the truth. From this
day forward I will dedicate my life
to making sure your film is seen by
everyone. I will organize the masses
so that we may do thy bidding. Hail
Mel Gibson. Amen.
[Stan's house. He and Kenny are in his bedroom reading a newspaper.]
STAN
Look at that, dude. The Passion has
made almost 400 milliion dollars at
the box office now.
KENNY
(Goddamn.)
STAN
Everyone in the country's gonna see
that movie. I guess... we have to ge
see it too.
[The Bijou, day. No clouds around. Stan and Kenny sit inside
in the middle, looking at the movie. The movie ends]
STAN
Dude. That movie sucked.
KENNY
(Yeah, it totally sucked!)
STAN
How can they even call that a movie?
KENNY
(I dunno)
STAN
That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our
money back.
KENNY
(Yeah!)
[The Bijou, outside. A couple emerges]
JACK
Wow, I didn't realize how horrible Christ's
death was.
ELISE
Me neither. Oh honey, let's be good
Christians from now on!
MAN 1
I think if more people saw The Passion
they'd have faith in Jesus.
WOMAN 1
Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into
believing.
STAN
Hey, we want our money back.
SHLOMO
Huh?
STAN
That movie sucked ass. Give us back
our eighteen dollars.
SHLOMO
I can't refund your money. You sat through
the whole movie.
STAN
That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff
film!
KENNY
(Yeah!)
STAN
You can't charge people to watch a guy
get tortured for two hours!
SHLOMO
That guy happened to be Jesus, and he
went through all that to pay for YOUR
SINS!
STAN
We go to church to learn that stuff!
We go to movies to be entertained! We
weren't entertained, and we want our
money back!
SHLOMO
I'm now allowed to give you your money
back after you sat through the whole
movie! You'd have to take your complaint
up with the film's producers.
STAN
W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we
have to get our money back from Mel
Gibson?
SHLOMO
Yeah. I'd like to see you try.
STAN
Oh, we will! This is America! And in
America, if something sucks, you're
supposed to be able to get your money
back! Come on, Kenny!
PRIESTS
Kill him! Guilty! Kill him! Kill him!
Kill him! Die!
KYLE
Kill Jesus! Yesss! Arrrgh!
[Stan's house, day. Stan and Kenny are at Stan's computer]
STAN
Okay, search for Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson
bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson...
home page. Here we go. Welcome to Mel
Gibson's ThePassion.com, your source
for everything Mel. Pictures, philosophy,
upcoming projects. Damnit, no phone
number! Oh wait! "For more information
on Mel Gibson, call the Webmaster at
1-800-43.." Okay, okay, wait, here we
go.
MEL GIBSON
FAN CLUB LINE
[the phone rings. Cartman answers.]
CARTMAN
Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club.
STAN
Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to
see The Passion
CARTMAN
Uh huh, and so you want to join the
fan club now. Our first meeting is at
5:30 p.m.
STAN
Nonono, no, we want our money back.
CARTMAN
What?
STAN
We think the movie sucked and we want
Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen
dollars. Do you know how we can get
in touch with him?
CARTMAN
You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently,
you don't understand what Mel Gibson
was trying to do! He was trying to express,
through cinema, the horror and filthiness
of the common Jew. It has made people
the world over open their eyes.
STAN
Look, kid, we just thought it was a
bad movie, so tell us how to get in
touch with Mel Gibson so we can get
our money back!
CARTMAN
If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd
be down on the floor licking his balls
at this very moment, sir. All I know
is he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now
stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time,
you little wussy prick.
STAN
Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid!
I'll kick your ass!
CARTMAN
Ohoh yeah?! I'd like to see you try,
asshole! I'm like six feet tall!
STAN
I don't care! You sound like a little
bitch to me!
CARTMAN
Bitch?! Don't call me bitch! I'll pop
your fuckin' head open!
STAN
Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little
pussy?!
CARTMAN
I already brought it, bitch! I brought
it, set it down on the table and opened
it, bitch!
STAN
Wait a minute. Cartman?!
CARTMAN
Eup.
STAN
Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu!
KENNY
(Malibu? But how?)
STAN
We'll take the bus! Look, this isn't
about the eighteen dollars ticket money
anymore. This is about being able to
hold bad filmmakers responsible! This
is just like when we got our money back
for BASEketball!
[Cartman's house, day. Cartman dons a Nazi outfit, taking care
to look sharp]
LIANE
Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people
showing up in our backyard saying something
about a meeting?
CARTMAN
Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for
all the people who loved The Passion
as much as I did.
LIANE
Oh, that's great, sweetie.
CARTMAN
Tell them I'll be down shortly
LIANE
Okay, hon.
CARTMAN
Töten sie die Juden. Wir können nicht
stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! Okay,
I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding,
Mel Gibson.
[Cartman's backyard. Some people are seated, others chat, others
help themselves to chips and fingerfoods]
MAN 1
Hello, are you folks holding this Passion
meeting?
JACK
No. Actually, we're guests as well.
I'm Jack Garrett and this is my wife
Elise.
ELISE
Hello.
MAN 1
I think it's so great that someone took
the initiative to have a meeting like
this.
ELISE
Oh I agree. There are so many of us
who are moved by The Passion. It's a
perfect idea to have us organize so
we can strengthen the Christian community.
MAN 1
And apparently the organizer is just
an eight year old boy who was touched
by the film.
JACK
Leave it to a child to show us all the
way, huh?
SHLOMO
Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet
saying if you love The Passion to come
to this meeting, so here I am!
WOMAN 1
It's great that everyone came here to
figure out how to use The Passion to
enrich everyone's lives.
CARTMAN
Ah hello everyone. Achtung. My name
is Eric Cartman and I'm the President
of the Mel Gibson Fan Club. Ah thank
you, thank you. I'm happy to see that
all of you.were affected by The Passion
like I was. Now, we all know why we're
here, and I believe we all what needs
to be done.
WOMAN 2
We sure do.
CARTMAN
But, I think it's best we don't talk
out loud about it until we have most
of them on the trains heading to the
camps.
ELISE
Wha, what does that mean, sweetie?
JACK
I'm not sure, but-uh. Folks, I just
wanna interrupt for a second and say
how remarkable it is that this little
boy brought us all together. The Passion
is causing a revolution of spirituality,
and we owe Mel Gibson and this little
boy our thanks.
CARTMAN
Thank you, thank you very much. Now,
in order to do what we all know needs
to be done, we are first going to need
more support. I think we should all
go out and take at least one other person
to see The Passion.
MAN 2
Oh, what a great idea! We each make
it our responsibility to convert one
more person!
GUESTS
Heheh great! Yeah! Great idea.
CARTMAN
Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing,
if you know what I mean.
SHLOMO
We sure do!
GUESTS
Yeah. All right. Woohoo!
[Mel's Malibu mansion, day. A rusty Beetle rolls up to the front
security gate, stops, and lets out some passengers, then rolls
away. Stan and Kenny remain]
STAN
Thank you. This must be the place.
Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded.
MEL
Yes?
STAN
Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this
is Kenny
KENNY
(Hello)
STAN
Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion,
and we didn't like it, so, can we have
our money back, please?
MEL
You can't not like The Passion! I just
followed the Bible! Christ died for
you. Go home.
[Mel's mansion, inside]
STAN
Look, dude, we came a long way. We're
not leaving until you give us our money.
MEL
Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find
it first. But I won't tell you where
I keep my money. You can torture me
all you want, I still won't tell you!
STAN
Tor-torture you?
MEL
Ha! So you DO intend to torture me,
huh?! Well go ahead! Do your worst!
You STILL won't get your ticket money
back! I can take whatever you can dish
out!
STAN
We don't want to torture you.
MEL
I get it, but you don't have a choice,
is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure
hope you don't use those whips over
there on the wall!
STAN
Dude, can we please just have the eighteen
dollars back from you?
MEL
I have to use that money to build my
church! I brought the fire and brimstone
back to Christianity with The Passion
and now I'm gonna start my own church!
And do you know why?! So I can play
banjo! Jesus, oh how I love ya, how
I love ya Jesus!
STAN
Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy!
MEL
How dare you call me crazy! This means
war!
[South Park Church, rectory. Fr. Maxi sits at his desk explaining
things to Kyle]
FR. MAXI
And so it was that God sent his only
son down from heaven, to die for our
sins.
KYLE
Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die,
or did Jesus just get kind of screwed
over.
FR. MAXI
...What is troubling you, my child?
KYLE
Well, I have this friend, see? And this
friend belongs to a certain, Chosen
People of Israel. And it ...so happens
that these chosen people killed your
Lord.
FR. MAXI
Ah! You mean he's a Jew!
KYLE
Right. But he can't live with the guilt
anymore. Because, even if Jesus wasn't
really the Son of God, he was still
a nice guy. And he didn't deserve what
happened to him in Mel Gibson's movie.
I I can't sleep at night. I mean, my...
friend can't sleep at night.
FR. MAXI
Yes, The Passion is very powerful. The
truth is, there's not a whole lot in
the Bible about the Crucifixion. The
Passion was actually done as a performance
piece back in the Middle Ages to incite
people against the Jews.
KYLE
But how can the Jews make it better??
FR. MAXI
Well, if you really care about your
friend's soul, then perhaps show him
the way of Jesus. Remember: Christianity
is about... atonement.
KYLE
Wait. That's it. Atonement. Of course.
I know what I have to do now. Thank
you, Father.
[Back at Mel's mansion, Stan and Kenny are still running from
Mel, who's chasing after them in a cartoonish way. Mel passes
a mirror, then gets back to it a second later]
MEL
Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would
haul that tanker You wanna get outta
here? Talk to me.
STAN
Mel Gibson is fucking crazy dude! Wait!
There's his wallet!
MEL
Freedom!!!
STAN
Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You
got two dollars, Kenny??
MEL
Jesus is Lord!!!
STAN
All right, let's get the hell out of
here!
MEL
When you're a clown, nobody takes you
seriously!
[Outside]
STAN
Run, dude, run!
MEL
K'plagh! K'plagh! And good evening,
friends!
[The Bijou, day. A large cross is erected atop the Bijou sign.
A crowd gathers and acclaims it]
CARTMAN
One month ago today, this amazing film
opened in theaters. And now, we proud
few gathere here as a people brought
together by its message! Fellow fans
of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown
and now, together, we have the power
to change the world! Now I believe
we should take to the streets and march
in unwavering support of this important
movie!
SHLOMO
What a great idea!
MAN 3
It'll be like a parade!
MAN 4
Good idea!
CARTMAN
And as we march for The Pasion we should
also voice our support! So, when I say
"Es ist Zeit für sauberen," you all
chant back "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten."
ELISE
Well, what does that mean, dear?
JACK
Oh, I think it's Aramaic. You know,
like in the movie.
SHLOMO
Ooo, Aramaic. Cool.
TOWNSFOLK
Neato! That'll be awesome. Great!
JACK
What was our Aramaic line again?
CARTMAN
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!!
TOWNSFOLK
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
CARTMAN
Es ist Zeit für Rache!
TOWNSFOLK
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
ELISE
Oh huh, this is fun!
CARTMAN
All right, everyone! Forward, march!
Es ist Zeit für Rache!
TOWNSFOLK
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
CARTMAN
Es ist Zeit für Rache!
TOWNSFOLK
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
CARTMAN
Nice.
[A synagogue. A service is going on, and the synagogue is full]
RABBI
Shalom hak nak shalom. And now one of
our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski,
has asked if he could speak to the congragation.
KYLE
Thank you, rabbi. In 1973, the United
States officially issued an apology
to the African American community for
slavery. In 1956, Germany officially
apologized for World War II AND the
Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004,
the Jewish community needs to apologize
for the death of Jesus.
MAN 5
What?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Whatwhatwhaaat?!
KYLE
If we as a people choose not to believe
that Jesus is the Son of God, then we
can still apologize for the brutal way
in which he was killed, and take our
share of the responsibility for it.
MAN 6
Oh my God!
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, what on earth has gotten into
you?!
KYLE
I saw The Passion.
MAN 7
Oh no! The Passion?!
MAN 8
This proves the anti-Semitic effect
that movie is having!
MAN 9
Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes.
MAN 10
Stereotyping Jews is terrible.
WOMAN 3
Something must be done to stop that
movie!
RABBI
Now, now, everyone calm down. We live
in a rational community, and everyone
knows this is just a movie. There's
no cause for alarm.
MOB
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
CARTMAN
Es ist Zeit für Rache!
MOB
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
CARTMAN
Es ist Zeit für Rache!
MOB
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
CARTMAN
Es ist Zeit für Rache!
[The southwest, desert territory. A tour bus heads east, with
Stan and Kenny riding inside]
STAN
Well it looks like with these bus tickets
we spend about eighty... seven dollars
getting our money back from Mel Gibson.
But I think it's the principle of the
thing that matters.
KENNY
(Yeah. And the truth.)
STAN
Oh, you've got to be shittin' me.
MEL
Give me back my money!
STAN
Goddamn, that guy's crazy. Hey dude,
you've gotta speed up.
DRIVER
Huh?
STAN
Mel Gibson is chasing after us. You've
gotta go faster.
DRIVER
Haha, very funny, kid. Sit down and
stop playing games.
STAN
I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is
right behind you and he's gonna-
DRIVER
What the hell?
MEL
HAAAA! K'PLAAAH!
DRIVER
Hey! That's Mel Gibson!
STAN
Yeah. I told you that!
DRIVER
Well, what the hell does he want?!
STAN
He wouldn't give us our money back for
The Passion, so we kinda took it.
DRIVER
You didn't like The Passion? But it
shows how Christ suffered for you. Mel
Gibson is a very spiritual man.
[The Bijou, night. The synagogue's congregation moves quickly
down the street towards the theater]
KYLE
Both you guys, stop! Please. You're
gonna make people hate us more.
SHLOMO
Can I help you?
RABBI
This movie is causing anti-Semitism!
You must remove it from your theater!
CONGREGANTS
That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie!
SHLOMO
Remove it from the theater? Fat chance!
MAN 11
We demand you stop showing it!
CONGREGANTS
Yeah! Yeah!
KYLE
Nonono! Don't become an angry mob!
The last time we did that we killed
Jesus!
CARTMAN
Juden!
JACK
What's going on here?
SHLOMO
They're trying to have The Passion pulled
from the theater.
RABBI
This film is anti-Semitic and it must
be stopped!
MAN 1
Nonsense! Mel Gibson is a smart and
spiritual man! There's nothing anti-Semitic
about it!
ELISE
It has reaffirmed all of our faith in
Christ.
RABBI
It's made one of our little Jewish boys
want to apologize for the death of Jesus!
JACK
Well, maybe you should apologize.
MOB
That's right! What he said.
WOMAN 4
How dare you?!
KYLE
Look out!!
MEL
Give me my eighteen dollars!
CARTMAN
Mel! Gibson! Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer!
You're actually here! Mr. Gibson, I
have assembled the masses! We are ready
to do thy bidding! Have I been a good
boy, Mr. Gibson?!
MEL
Hhha! So! You boys have led me here
to your secret base, huh? I guess now
you're gonna start torturing me! Well!
Oh, my nipples are so tender! Ddon't
squeeze them anymore!
SHLOMO
That's... Mel Gibson?
JACK
H-he's not... quite as eloquent as I
had pictured.
MEL
Yeah... Well. I guess you wanna torture
me now, don't you?!
KYLE
Dude, what's wrong with him?
STAN
He's kookoo, dude. He's absolutely out
of his mind.
MEL
You! You would all love to torture me,
wouldn't you? Okay, fine. See what
you can fit in there, I can take it!
KYLE
Dude! I've been freaked out this whole
time because of THAT guy's movie?
MEL
Fine! If nobody here is man enough
to torture me, then just give me my
eighteen dollars!
STAN
It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie
sucked!
MEL
You can't say my movie sucked, or else
you're saying Christianity sucked!
STAN
No, dude, if you wanna be Christian,
that's cool, but, you should follow
what Jesus taught instead of how he
got killed. Focusing on how he got killed
is what people did in the Dark Ages
and it ends up with really bad results.
JACK
You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't
focus our faith on the torture and execution
of Christ.
SHLOMO
Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in
those times. We shouldn't rely on violence
to inspire faith.
CARTMAN
Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so
close to completing my final solution!
KYLE
Oh, dude, I feel so much better about
being Jewish now that I see that Mel
Gibson is just a big wacko douche.
MEL
Woohoohoo! Woohoohoohoohoo!
THE END
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