"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 314
"THE RED BADGE OF GAYNESS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The bus stop, morning. The boys are dreassed in Union blue.
Stan bears the flag, Kyle and Kenny have fifes, and Cartman carries
a drum.]
STAN
Ready? 1-2-3-4.
CARTMAN
Hey, dude. Do you like to rock?! Yes,
I like to rock! Helloo, Baltimore!
KYLE
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
CARTMAN
I'm playing the drum.
KYLE
Well, you have to hit it softer!
CARTMAN
You can't just "hit" a drum, you have
to beat the shit out of it! Shut you
butthole, or I'll kick your ass, you
fuckin' drum!! That's how you rock,
dude.
KYLE
You're not supposed to rock, you're
supposed to keep the beat!
CARTMAN
I ma keepin' the beat; your flute-playing
sucks!
STAN
That's it, Cartman, you can't be the
drummer!
CARTMAN
Ey, I'll get it!
KYLE
Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow!
You're not gonna get it by tomorrow!
CARTMAN
Yes I will!
STAN
Alright alright. Let's just try it again.
1-2-3-4.
CARTMAN
Go!!! Does Cleveland like to rock?!
Go!!! Yes, damnit!
KYLE
Cartman!!!
CARTMAN
What?
KYLE
Give me the drum, and you play the flute
CARTMAN
No way! Flutes are totally gay!
KENNY
(Oh. Flutes are gay?)
STAN
Cartman, I'm the leader of the Reenactment
Fife and Drum Squad, and I say you play
the flute!
CARTMAN
Oh! Well, you know what I say?! Screw
you guys, I'm going home!
KYLE
You dick!
CARTMAN
Later.
JIMBO
Alrighty everyone. We just have a few
things to go over before we head out
to the reenactment battlefield. First
of all, I have great news. There are
over 200 folks from around the state
that have come to see this year's reenactment,
and that's the best turnout ever!
MEN
Yes! Woohoo, yea!
STAN
Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses
the orientation, they're not gonna lethim
in the reenactment.
KYLE
He'll show.
STAN
He'd better!
JIMBO
I'm also very proud to announce that
this year's alcohol sponsor, Jagermin's
S'more-flavored Schnapps, the schnapps
with the delightful taste of s'mores.
MEN
Whoa. Mmm.
MR. GARRISON
Mmm. It does taste like s'mores.
STUART
Hih yeah, and it's got quite a kick,
too.
JIMBO
And now, to clarify how the reenctment
should unfold, let's bring up our master
historian, Grnandpa Marvin Marsh, the
only man old enough to have actually
seen the Civil War... reenactment of 1924.
KYLE
Wow, dude! Your granpa still isn't dead?
STAN
Dude, that's not cool.
CARTMAN
Good morning, gentlmen.
STAN
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
KYLE
Teah! You're dressed up like the South.
CARTMAN
Yes. This year, I've decided to fight
for the glorious South. Screw you guys,
home. And may I say that we're going
to whup your ass this time.
STAN
You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment
dressed up like General Lee, fatass!
CARTMAN
Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did.
GRANDPA
Okay, you all know the rules. You must
fire your blanks into the air, and if
someone says they killed ya, you gotta
play dead.
KYLE
The South loses this battle, Cartman.
They lose the war!
CARTMAN
Nuh uhn, the South is gonna win.
KYLE
No they're not, stupid!
CARTMAN
Yes we are!
KYLE
How much do you wanna bet?!
JIMBO
Now remember, everybody: for a good
reenactment we've got to pretend down
to the last detail that we're really
in the Civil War. So when the North
wins, all of us on the Confederate side
should act all bummed and depressed.
KYLE
Come on, Cartman! How much do you wanna
bet the South doesn't win?!
CARTMAN
Well, this war is about slavery, so
how about if the South wins, you two
assholes have to be my slaves for a
month.
KYLE
And if the North wins you're our slave
for a month??
CARTMAN
Right.
KYLE
You're on!
CARTMAN
Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen,
and see you on the battlefield.
STAN
Hoohoo what a d'humbass!
CARTMAN
Yeahah. He doesn't even know that the
South loses the Civil War.
STAN
It's gonna be rad having Cartman be
our slave.
JIMBO
...And with that, let's all go to Tamarack
Hill and put on a good show!
MEN
Yes! Woohoo, yea!
["TAMARACK HILL," 9
00 A.M. The Reenactment. Bleachers flank
Grandpa on either side as the North
and the South face off before him. Each
side has set up its camp]
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the South Park reenactment
of the Battle of Tamarack Hill. The
men in gray are the Confederacy, fron
the South ; in blue are the Union, from
the North .
GRANDPA
It was a cold morning in 1862. The
Union Army had to get the bell of Appmattox
down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued
was a bloody battle, but after many
hours, the Union Army prevailed. Here
now is the reenactment of that great
battle.
JIMBO
Forward!
RANDY
Let's bring those Confederate bastards
down!
JIMBO
Fire!
HIS MEN
Yeah!
RANDY
Alright men, fire!
HIS MEN
Yeah!
RANDY
Hey, uh, I shot you, Ned. You have to
fall down.
NED
Ow.
RANDY
Yeh-hah!
MAN 1
Oh, so this is what it was like.
MAN 2
Hey! What's that guy doing?!
CARTMAN
Yippie! Long live the Confederacy!
SOLDIERS
Huh? Wha-?
GRANDPA
What the hell?
RANDY
He took the bell!
KYLE'S FATHER
He can't do that!
GRANDPA
The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
CARTMAN
Hooray for the South!
STAN
Cartman, you can't do that!
GRANDPA
God damnit! Now we have to start over!
[10
24 A.M., reenactment - second attempt.]
JIMBO
Alrighty everyone. We're going to do
the entire reenactment again, because
of some confusion over the bell. Now,
I know you're just trying to help, Eric,
but we have to let the Union capture
the bell this time.
CARTMAN
But why? Why should they get the bell?
JIMBO
Wuh. Well, 'cause we're supposed to
lose.
CARTMAN
But we don't have to lose.
JIMBO
What??
CARTMAN
Gentlemen, we can win this battle!
Sure, we could lose, and tonight we
can go back to our families and say,
"We did it! We lost like we were supposed
to! Aren't we proud?!" Or, or we take
that hill. We take that hill, and when
we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads
high, and we yell, "Not this year! This
year belongs to the Confederaseh!"
JIMBO
By God, he's right!
MR. GARRISON
Jimbo!
JIMBO
Yeah, I've been reenacting this war
for 22 years now. And for 22 years us
Confederate reenacters have had to spend
the evening being ridiculed and made
fun of by the Union reenacters! Well,
I'm sick of it!
MR. GARRISON
Yeah! Why do we have to be their bitches
every year?!
STUART
I'm tired of losing this battle!
JIMBO
And I say it's high time we kicked some
ass! Who's with me?!
MEN
Yeah!
MAN
Yeah!
[The battlefield]
GRANDPA
Alright, folks. Sorry for the false
start. We're ready to go again. It was
a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army
had to-
CONFEDERATE 1
Yaaaaah!
CONFEDERATE 2
Come on! Just give up! We're not gonna
let you live another day!
KYLE'S FATHER
Uh, what are they doing?
MR. GARRISON
You Yankee sons of bitches!
RANDY
Ow! That hurt!
GRANDPA
God damnit, what the hell are they doing?!
KYLE
What do we do?!
STAN
Run for your life, dude!
CARTMAN
God bless those men that fight for their
freedom. God bless those men! And God
bless the Confederasah!
SOLDIER
Come on!
RANDY
Oh?
JIMBO
Surrender your men, general!
RANDY
Jimbo, have you lost your mind?!
JIMBO
SURRENDER YOUR MEN, GENERAL!
RANDY
Alright, alright. We surrender.
Barbrady [in the stands] The South win?
JIMBO
The South wins!
SOLDIERS
Yeah, woohoo!
GRANDPA
God damnit!
JIMBO
Well, we can all be friends now. Come
on, Randy. Have some s'more schnapps.
RANDY
Uh, I can't be happy. You ruined the
reenactment.
JIMBO
Aw, come on. Have a little sip.
CARTMAN
So, you guys about ready to start being
my slaves yet?
KYLE
You cheated, Cartman!
STAN
Yeah, but it doesn't matter, because
the bet was that the South doesn't win
the war! And the South still didn't
win the war, dipshit!
KYLE
Yeah. Too bad you're such a dumbass
in history, or you would have known
that!
CARTMAN
I hate you guys so much. So very very
much. And this is not over. Not by a
long shot.
RANDY
All I'm saying is that... is is that
the Confederates would have just gotten
their asses kicked in Topeka!
MR. GARRISON
That ain't true! The Confederates would
have shupped ass in Topeka, too!
BARTENDER
Yeah.
MAN
Yeah.
KYLE'S FATHER
You're dreaming!
CARTMAN
Perhaps we should take Topeka.
JIMBO
Huh?
CARTMAN
They mock us in Kansas, soldier. They
think the South is a joke. They don't
respect our authoritah.
JIMBO
They don't?!
CARTMAN
No. I say we take Topeka.
JIMBO
You know what? I'll bet we could take
Topeka right now and clear them all
around!
RANDY
Huh?
STUART
That's right! Maybe we should do what
the Confederates would've done and march
on to Topeka!
MR. GARRISON
I'll bet we could!
JIMBO
I'll bet we could, too!
CARTMAN
I'll bet you can't.
JIMBO
What?! Is that a challenge?! I'll
bet we can!
CARTMAN
I'll bet you can't, because you guys
are all pussies!
JIMBO
Pussies?! Oh yeah?! Men! It's time to
show the world what the Confederate
Army has got! We're gonna take Topeka
once and for all!
MAN 1
Yeah.
MAN 2
Yeah.
JIMBO
All o' you men. You may have lost in
the Union today, but join us now and
win back your pride!
MAN 3
Yeah.
MAN 4
Yeah.
RANDY
Well, the Union be damned!
JIMBO
Let's go!
MEN
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Oh! What was our bet again? Let's see...
Yes, I remember. If the South wins you
have to be my slaves for a month.
KYLE
They're just drunk, Cartman! As soon
as they sober up, they'll stop.
CARTMAN
Yes. E-e-enjoy your freedon, gentlemen.
Soon, you will be my properteh. Come,
Kenny. Come fight for us, and I'll make
sure you get lots of plunder and womens.
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
[TOPEKA, KANSAS, 7
53 A.M., next morning. A rooster crows.
The town goes about its business. A
mailman delivers some mail. A woman
opens the school door. A traffic cop
directs traffic. Two kids play catch
in front of the school. The woman returns
with the flag and hoists it up on the
flagpole, and the mailman drops by.]
MAILMAN
Oh good morning, Mrs. Hollis.
MRS. HOLLIS
Hello, Ralph.
RALPH
Did you happen to catch that ball gamem
last night?
MRS. HOLLIS
I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty
late and-
DRIVER
What's that noise, officer?
SOUTH PARK MEN
Yeah! Yeah!
JIMBO
Ccchhhhaaaarrrrggggeeee!
[Randy knocks Ralph down with the butt of his gun. Gerald tackles
Mrs. Hollis. Another man prepares a Molotov cocktail and throws
in into a house, then salutes the resulting fire. Jimbo and Med
head for the church, and its congregants rush out screaming.
Stuart aims at the officer and shoots him]
OFFICER
Ow!
STUART
Freeze, buddy. These are blanks, but
they still hurt like hell!
JIMBO
It's ours, it's ours! We've taken Topeka!
MEN
Yeah!
RANDY
Alright, Yank, tell us where you keep
your Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps?!
RALPH
Uh-uh-uh schnapps? Uhm, uh-uh-I guess
that would be at the liquor store.
RANDY
WHERE?!
RALPH
At the liquor store, at the liquor stohohohohore!
RANDY
Come on, boys!
MRS. HOLLIS
This is the most bizarre thing I've
ever seen.
CARTMAN
Excuse meh.
[South Park. Stan and Kyle wait at a regular bus stop]
STAN
Dude, my mom is sooo pissed at my dad
for going to Kansas.
KYLE
I know, but—why do they have to take
it out on us? Why do we have to wait
around for them to come back?
STAN
Oh here comes the bus. Butters? Are
you the only one that came back?
BUTTERS
Uh, conuh- Confederate Messenger Butters
reporting, sir. I have a message for
you from the battlefield.
STAN
What battlefield?!
BUTTERS
Uh Topeka. We're raisin' all kids of
hell, see? Eh, it's probably the most
fun I've had in several months. Wuwell,
you gonna read your message or not?
CARTMAN
Dear guys.
Yours,
General Cartman Lee
STAN
God damnit, that fat piece of shit!
KYLE
Dude! What if Cartman really does succeed?
And we really do have to be his slaves??
STAN
That would suck so much ass.
KYLE
We have to stop him, dude.
STAN
I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us.
Where's the Confederate Army now, Butters?
BUTTERS
Uh-uh, wuh-I ain't supposed to tell
you that. If I told you that, well,
why I'd be a, a no-good Yankee son of
a bitch.
KYLE
We'll give you 10 bucks.
BUTTERS
Oh. O-oh, okay.
[News Report]
REPORTER
...And she was forced to live off her
own feces for several days. In national
news, a frightening radical group from
Colorado is making its way across the
Southern states of Aemrica. The group
is recruiting new members in every town
they pass through, and rapidly growing
in number. So authorities have decided
to call in the National Guard. The groups
seems to be led by military mastermind
and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern ,
who is known for his guerilla-fighting
and leadership skills.
[Somewhere...]
JIMBO
Give me some more s'more schnapps!
I'm gonna be sick. Blouach.
STAN
Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought.
GRANDPA
Well, comem on Billy, we've gotta make
these little peckers stop before they
get themselves killed.
MAN
Aaaaa!
BRUNET
They say you can either fight them or
join them.
BLOND
Well I'm joining them. Those blanks
hurt!
STAN
Dad, Dad. Mom wants you to come home.
RANDY
Not now, uh Stan, I'm pillaging. Get
over here!
KYLE
You've got to stop, Dad. If the South
wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's
slaves!
KYLE'S FATHER
This is a reenactment, Kyle. My name
is Pvt. John Fugasol, and I have to
do what my general tells me!
JIMBO
Hey! There's some more schnapps over
here!
KYLE'S FATHER
More schnapps!
SGT. LARSEN
I'm Sgt. Larsen of the National Guard.
We're here to stop the terrorists.
GRANDPA
They're not terrorists, they're just
a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.
LARSEN
Well, we can't just shoot 'em; there's
innocents and children about. Dawkins!
DAWKINS
Sir!
LARSEN
Fire a warning flare!
DAWKINS
Yes sir!
JIMBO
Medic!
LARSEN
Woops.
STAN
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
GRANDPA
You bastards!
KYLE
Hey!
SOLDIER
We can't fire at them, sir. There are
too many children.
LARSEN
Then how do we stop them?
STAN
I know! But we'll have to wait until
dark.
[South Park, Kenny's house, morning. Mrs. McCormick comes out
to pick up the day's mail. She finds a letter, opens it, and
reads... The sepia image of Cartman returns]
CARTMAN
Dear Ms. McCormick
It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you that your
son Kenny was killed in battle [her brows rise in surprise] on
the morning of November 18, at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga.
This war has taken something from all of us, and, although your
son seems to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share
your pain. Your son did not die in vain. I shall persevere and
make Stan and Kyle my slaves. Because I hate those guys. I hate
them so very very much.
Yours,
General Cartman Lee
[The Confederate camp. The men relax and talk. Stan, Kyle, Grandpa,
and Larsen sneak in...]
STAN
There, you see? We take the s'more schnapps,
and by morning they're all gonna wanna
go home.
GRANDPA
Nice thinkin', Billy.
LARSEN
Let's go.
JIMBO
Where to next, General?
CARTMAN
Where did the Confederates go, son?
JIMBO
Well, I guess uh Fort Sumter in South
Carolina. That's where the Civil War
really escalated.
CARTMAN
Ah, splendid. Then to Fort Sumter we
shall go.
JIMBO
Welluh, that sounds great. I'm gonna
get some s'more schnapps. You want anything?
CARTMAN
Yeah. Can I get some of those animal
cookies? Those frosty ones with the
sprinkles on 'em.
JIMBO
Um, sure. What the-? Ey, where's the
s'more schnapps?
RANDY
We're out of s'more schnapps?
MR. GARRISON
That can't be.
JIMBO
I guess we drank it all.
DAWKINS
Now what?
STAN
Now we just wait until morning. Check-mate,
Cartman. Pretty soon, you're gonna be
our slave.
KYLE
Yeah.
SOLDIER 1
Uugh.
SOLDIER 2
Ouch.
RANDY
Oh, my head.
KYLE'S FATHER
Where am I?
JIMBO
Ned, I think I can say without any
doubt that that was the longest drinking
binge we've ever had.
NED
Mmm-oh. Gmm-oh, my head.
MR. GARRISON
Oh no, I'm supposed to be at work today.
STUART
Me, too.
JIMBO
Well, come on everybody. We've got
to get to the nearest bus station, quick.
CARTMAN
Where are you going?
JIMBO
We're goin' home kid. Come on.
CARTMAN
We can't go home, we have to take Fort
Sumter!
RANDY
Uh, the only thing we have to do is
get home before our wives leave us.
CARTMAN
No! What about the Confederasuh?! What
about freedom?!
STAN
Haha! You lose, fatass!
CARTMAN
God, I hate you guys!
KYLE
Yeah, but you know? I think you've learned
something today. You've learned that
you can't rewrite history. You see,
history is forever, and everything
happens for a reason. Sure, you can
try and change the past, but usually
you kno-
STAN
Where are you going?
CARTMAN
This isn't over! Oh no! Oh no, not by
a long shot!
[The long march home... The group is in a meadow.]
RANDY
Ogh. I don't believe we came all the
way out here.
JIMBO
Yeah? Well, I don't think the bus station
is too far from here.
STUART
Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket
back to Colorado is gonna run?
SUZETTE
Allo, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps
girl. We are pleased to sponsor you
with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
RANDY
Awgh, I can't drink anymore of that
stuff.
KYLE'S FATHER
Me neither.
CARTMAN
Uh uh come uh, come on, guys. Just one
little drink. Uh a toast to how far
you came and all that you saw.
SUZETTE
Yes, please. Do a shot out of my breasts.
JIMBO
Well, uh I guhess one little cheers
is in order.
[Soon, the men are drunk again and having a good time.]
JIMBO
Hey, look! Ned's doin' his trick again!
MR. GARRISON
Hey, guys. Let's all play a game of
"grab ass."
KYLE'S FATHER
What's "grab ass?"
MR. GARRISON
You know. We just run around in circles
and try to grab each other's asses.
RANDY
Ey, that sounds fun.
MR. GARRISON
Hohoho.
SOLDERS
I got you. Oo-oh.
CARTMAN
Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party,
but I believe we have a fort to take.
JIMBO
You heard the General.
SOLDIERS
Yeah!
STAN
Oh, no.
KYLE
We'll never stop them now.
[The March of War. Chattanooga, Tennessee, is struck, then Atlanta,
Georgia; then eastern and southeastern Alabama, then Orlando,
Florida. The group is on a log ride]
SOLDIERS
Woohoo!
CARTMAN
Yes! Yes!
[Southeast Georgia is struck, then Darling County, South Carolina.]
[Fort Sumter, day. A tour is taking place.]
GUIDE
Throughout 1861 the Confederate authorities
tried to drive out the Union occupants
of Fort Sumter peacefully. But Abraham
Lincoln's administration would not surrender
the fort to the Confederates, so Jefferson
Davis decided to take action.
TOURIST
And the Confederates won the fort?
GUIDE
Yes. Imagine what it must have been
like: you're a Union soldier stationed
at this fort, and one day, you look
out and see thousands of Confederates
ready to pounce on you. Uh...
CARTMAN
Take the fort!
JIMBO
Charge!
MEN
Yeah! Woohoo, yeah, come on!
JIMBO
We got it! The fort is ours!
RANDY
What was that??
LARSEN
Attention political activists: you
are on government historical document
property! Surrender the document with
your hands up! If you would like a tour
of the fort, one can be arranged through
the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
STAN
Give up, fatass! There's over a hundred
National Guards down here.
CARTMAN
Suck my ass!
JIMBO
What do we do, General? We're outnumbered.
CARTMAN
We asked the State of South Carlina
for recruits. The reenforcements are
bound to show up.
LARSEN
Alright, that does it. Blow the whole
thing up.
STAN
No, you can't do that. Our dads are
there.
LARSEN
Sorry, son. We tried it your way; now
we do it our way. Prepare the mortar.
ELDERLY VOICE
Hold it right there!
JIMBO
Wow, look at that! The entire state
of South Carolina showed up!
CARTMAN
I knew they would!
STAN
Aw, damnit!
LEADER
We're ready to fight with ya. Long
live the Confederacy!
MEN
Yee-haw! All right!
CARTMAN
Now our numbers are truly great. It
is time. It is time to march to Washington
D.C.!
[WASHINGTON D.C., 7
45 A.M., next day. The group has entered
the city and are protesting outside
the white house. The Million Confederate
March?]
JIMBO
Hey, government! You can't ignore our
anguished cries anymore! You hear that?!
You Government?!
AL GORE
Oh boy, this doesn't look good.
[the three men turn away from the window]
ADVISOR
It's just like the Million Man March,
except that there actually are a million
people.
AIDE
Mr. President! A message for you from
the extremists!
CARTMAN
Dear Mr. President:
There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's
authoritah. You must declare the Confederaceh its own nation
so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If
you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes
we have of you with Marisa Tomei.
CLINTON
Oh, dear God! Wuh-we have to meet their
demands.
ADVISOR
What?? Sir, there's- there's not that
many of them.
AL GORE
As Vice-Persident, I think we'd better
give them what they want. It's just
the Southern states; who really needs
them?
CLINTON
My hands are tied. Tell General Lee
that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
AIDE
Sir!
AL GORE
I'm so glad I don't have your job.
[back outside in the raucous crowd]
STAN
Dude, let's just give up right now and
accept that we have to be Cartman's
slaves.
GRANDPA
Damnit, Billy, this isn't about you
havin' to be slaves! This is about history!
We can't let them change it!
STAN
Well, we've tried everything, Grandpa.
What else can we do?
GRANDPA
Wait a munute! They're all still doing
a reenactment. What we have to do is
play into that. Come on, Billy. You
boys need a quick history lesson!
[The Capitol, later. President Clinton is at a table on the Capitol
with Gore and others]
CLINTON
All right, I'm gonna sign the document
declarin' the Confederacy winners of
the Civil War.
CONFEDERATES
Hooray!
JIMBO
Boy, we really got the President by
the balls. Good thing you have that
videotape of him and Marisa Tomei.
CARTMAN
I don't. I made it up.
JIMBO
Hey! Who's that?!
KYLE
Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President
of the United States.
STAN
Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President
of the Confederacy.
CLINTON
Boy, this just keeps getting weirder,
doesn't it?
CARTMAN
What the hell are you guys doing?!
JIMBO
Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson
Davis! You can't talk that way to a
superior officer!
STAN
Men, I want you all to know that as
President of the Confederacy, I am hereby
surrendering.
CARTMAN
What?!
KYLE
Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your
surrender, and agree to your conditions.
You and all the Confederates will have
all the S'more Schnapps you can drink
for a year.
CONFEDERATES
Wow!
RANDY
A whole year?
JIMBO
All right! Well, I think we got what
we wanted.
CLINTON
That's it? I-I don't have to sign this
thing?
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey, come on. We should take a tour
of the Smithsonian before we head back.
CARTMAN
No! We still have to fight!
JIMBO
Lincoln and Davis signed the treaty,
General. The war is over.
CARTMAN
NOOO!!
STAN
It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!
KYLE
Yeah. And now you can stake that stupid
beard off!
CARTMAN
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- -AAAH!
CLINTON
Boys, as President of the United States,
I want to commend you for stopping the
rebel uprising.
STAN
Don't touch me.
KYLE
Well Cartman, the South lost! That mean
you're our slave for a month!
CARTMAN
Damnit! Damnit, I was so close! Damnit!
STAN
Now, the first thing I want you to do
for us is-
CARTMAN
Wait a minute! I don't have to be your
slave.
KYLE
What??
CARTMAN
The North still won the Civil War! That
means slavery is abolished!
CLINTON
Eh, he's right, boys. Slavery is illegal
and immoral, partially in thanks to
the North winning the Civil War.
STAN
Awwww!
CARTMAN
Hahahaha haa ha!
STAN
Aw, the hell with it. Let's go home.
Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton!
KYLE
Yeah. Thanks, dick!
[End of The Red Badge Of Gayness]
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