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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 314


                              "THE RED BADGE OF GAYNESS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [The bus stop, morning. The boys are dreassed in Union blue. 
               Stan bears the flag, Kyle and Kenny have fifes, and Cartman carries 
               a drum.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Ready? 1-2-3-4. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, dude. Do you like to rock?!  Yes, 
                         I like to rock! Helloo, Baltimore!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm playing the drum.

                                     KYLE
                         Well, you have to hit it softer!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You can't just "hit" a drum, you have 
                         to beat the shit out of it!  Shut you 
                         butthole, or I'll kick your ass, you 
                         fuckin' drum!!  That's how you rock, 
                         dude.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're not supposed to rock, you're 
                         supposed to keep the beat!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I ma keepin' the beat; your flute-playing 
                         sucks!
 
                                     STAN
                         That's it, Cartman, you can't be the 
                         drummer!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey, I'll get it!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow! 
                         You're not gonna get it by tomorrow!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes I will!

                                     STAN
                         Alright alright. Let's just try it again. 
                         1-2-3-4. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Go!!! Does Cleveland like to rock?! 
                         Go!!! Yes, damnit!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman!!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         Give me the drum, and you play the flute
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way! Flutes are totally gay!

                                     KENNY
                          (Oh. Flutes are gay?)

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, I'm the leader of the Reenactment 
                         Fife and Drum Squad, and I say you play 
                         the flute!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh! Well, you know what I say?!  Screw 
                         you guys, I'm going home! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         You dick!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Later.

                                     JIMBO
                         Alrighty everyone. We just have a few 
                         things to go over before we head out 
                         to the reenactment battlefield.  First 
                         of all, I have great news. There are 
                         over 200 folks from around the state 
                         that have come to see this year's reenactment, 
                         and that's the best turnout ever!
 
                         
                                     MEN
                          Yes! Woohoo, yea!

                                     STAN
                         Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses 
                         the orientation, they're not gonna lethim 
                         in the reenactment. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         He'll show.

                                     STAN
                         He'd better!

                                     JIMBO
                         I'm also very proud to announce that 
                         this year's alcohol sponsor, Jagermin's 
                         S'more-flavored Schnapps, the schnapps 
                         with the delightful taste of s'mores.
 
                         
                                     MEN
                         Whoa. Mmm.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mmm. It does taste like s'mores.

                                     STUART
                          Hih yeah, and it's got quite a kick, 
                         too.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         And now, to clarify how the reenctment 
                         should unfold, let's bring up our master 
                         historian, Grnandpa Marvin Marsh,  the 
                         only man old enough to have actually 
                         seen the Civil War... reenactment of 1924.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Wow, dude! Your granpa still isn't dead?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, that's not cool.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Good morning, gentlmen.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Teah! You're dressed up like the South.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. This year, I've decided to fight 
                         for the glorious South. Screw you guys, 
                         home. And may I say that we're going 
                         to whup your ass this time.
 
                                     STAN
                         You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment 
                         dressed up like General Lee, fatass!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did.
 
                         
                                     GRANDPA
                         Okay, you all know the rules. You must 
                         fire your blanks into the air, and if 
                         someone says they killed ya, you gotta 
                         play dead.
 
                                     KYLE
                         The South loses this battle, Cartman. 
                         They lose the war!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nuh uhn, the South is gonna win.

                                     KYLE
                         No they're not, stupid!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes we are!

                                     KYLE
                         How much do you wanna bet?!

                                     JIMBO
                         Now remember, everybody: for a good 
                         reenactment we've got to pretend down 
                         to the last detail that we're really 
                         in the Civil War. So when the North 
                         wins, all of us on the Confederate side 
                         should act all bummed and depressed. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Cartman! How much do you wanna 
                         bet the South doesn't win?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, this war is about slavery, so 
                         how about if the South wins, you two 
                         assholes have to be my slaves for a 
                         month.
 
                                     KYLE
                         And if the North wins you're our slave 
                         for a month??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right.

                                     KYLE
                         You're on!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen, 
                         and see you on the battlefield. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hoohoo what a d'humbass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeahah. He doesn't even know that the 
                         South loses the Civil War.
 
                                     STAN
                         It's gonna be rad having Cartman be 
                         our slave.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         ...And with that, let's all go to Tamarack 
                         Hill and put on a good show!
 
                                     MEN
                          Yes! Woohoo, yea!

                                     ["TAMARACK HILL," 9
                         00 A.M. The Reenactment. Bleachers flank 
                         Grandpa on either side as the North 
                         and the South face off before him. Each 
                         side has set up its camp]
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Welcome to the South Park reenactment 
                         of the Battle of Tamarack Hill. The 
                         men in gray are the Confederacy, fron 
                         the South ; in blue are the Union, from 
                         the North .
 
                                     GRANDPA
                          It was a cold morning in 1862. The 
                         Union Army had to get the bell of Appmattox 
                         down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued 
                         was a bloody battle, but after many 
                         hours, the Union Army prevailed. Here 
                         now is the reenactment of that great 
                         battle. 
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Forward! 

                                     RANDY
                          Let's bring those Confederate bastards 
                         down! 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Fire! 

                                     HIS MEN
                         Yeah!

                                     RANDY
                         Alright men, fire! 

                                     HIS MEN
                         Yeah! 

                                     RANDY
                         Hey, uh, I shot you, Ned. You have to 
                         fall down.
 
                                     NED
                          Ow.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeh-hah! 

                                     MAN 1
                          Oh, so this is what it was like. 
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                         Hey! What's that guy doing?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yippie! Long live the Confederacy!
 
                         
                                     SOLDIERS
                          Huh? Wha-?

                                     GRANDPA
                         What the hell?

                                     RANDY
                         He took the bell!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         He can't do that!

                                     GRANDPA
                         The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hooray for the South!

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, you can't do that!

                                     GRANDPA
                         God damnit! Now we have to start over!
 
                         
                                     [10
                         24 A.M., reenactment - second attempt.]
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Alrighty everyone.  We're going to do 
                         the entire reenactment again, because 
                         of some confusion over the bell. Now, 
                         I know you're just trying to help, Eric, 
                         but we have to let the Union capture 
                         the bell this time.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But why? Why should they get the bell?
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Wuh. Well, 'cause we're supposed to 
                         lose.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But we don't have to lose.

                                     JIMBO
                         What??

                                     CARTMAN
                          Gentlemen, we can win this battle! 
                          Sure, we could lose, and tonight we 
                         can go back to our families and say, 
                         "We did it! We lost like we were supposed 
                         to! Aren't we proud?!" Or, or we take 
                         that hill. We take that hill, and when 
                         we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads 
                         high, and we yell, "Not this year! This 
                         year belongs to the Confederaseh!" 
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                          By God, he's right!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Jimbo!

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah, I've been reenacting this war 
                         for 22 years now. And for 22 years us 
                         Confederate reenacters have had to spend 
                         the evening being ridiculed and made 
                         fun of by the Union reenacters! Well, 
                         I'm sick of it!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah! Why do we have to be their bitches 
                         every year?!
 
                                     STUART
                         I'm tired of losing this battle!

                                     JIMBO
                         And I say it's high time we kicked some 
                         ass! Who's with me?!
 
                                     MEN
                         Yeah!

                                     MAN
                         Yeah! 

               [The battlefield]

                                     GRANDPA
                         Alright, folks. Sorry for the false 
                         start. We're ready to go again. It was 
                         a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army 
                         had to- 
 
                                     CONFEDERATE 1
                         Yaaaaah!

                                     CONFEDERATE 2
                         Come on! Just give up! We're not gonna 
                         let you live another day!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Uh, what are they doing?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          You Yankee sons of bitches!

                                     RANDY
                          Ow! That hurt!

                                     GRANDPA
                         God damnit, what the hell are they doing?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What do we do?!

                                     STAN
                         Run for your life, dude! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         God bless those men that fight for their 
                         freedom. God bless those men! And God 
                         bless the Confederasah!
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Come on!

                                     RANDY
                          Oh?

                                     JIMBO
                          Surrender your men, general!

                                     RANDY
                         Jimbo, have you lost your mind?!

                                     JIMBO
                         SURRENDER YOUR MEN, GENERAL!

                                     RANDY
                         Alright, alright. We surrender. 

               Barbrady	[in the stands] The South win?

                                     JIMBO
                         The South wins!

                                     SOLDIERS
                         Yeah, woohoo!

                                     GRANDPA
                         God damnit!

                                     JIMBO
                          Well, we can all be friends now.  Come 
                         on, Randy. Have some s'more schnapps. 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uh, I can't be happy. You ruined the 
                         reenactment.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, come on. Have a little sip. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          So, you guys about ready to start being 
                         my slaves yet?
 
                                     KYLE
                         You cheated, Cartman!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but it doesn't matter, because 
                         the bet was that the South doesn't win 
                         the war! And the South still didn't 
                         win the war, dipshit!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Too bad you're such a dumbass 
                         in history, or you would have known 
                         that!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I hate you guys so much. So very very 
                         much. And this is not over. Not by a 
                         long shot. 
 
                                     RANDY
                          All I'm saying is that... is is that 
                         the Confederates would have just gotten 
                         their asses kicked in Topeka!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That ain't true! The Confederates would 
                         have shupped ass in Topeka, too!
 
                                     BARTENDER
                         Yeah.

                                     MAN
                         Yeah.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You're dreaming!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Perhaps we should take Topeka.

                                     JIMBO
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         They mock us in Kansas, soldier. They 
                         think the South is a joke. They don't 
                         respect our authoritah.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         They don't?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No. I say we take Topeka.

                                     JIMBO
                          You know what? I'll bet we could take 
                         Topeka right now and clear them all 
                         around!
 
                                     RANDY
                         Huh?

                                     STUART
                         That's right! Maybe we should do what 
                         the Confederates would've done and march 
                         on to Topeka!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'll bet we could!

                                     JIMBO
                         I'll bet we could, too! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          I'll bet you can't.

                                     JIMBO
                          What?!  Is that a challenge?! I'll 
                         bet we can!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'll bet you can't, because you guys 
                         are all pussies!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Pussies?! Oh yeah?! Men! It's time to 
                         show the world what the Confederate 
                         Army has got! We're gonna take Topeka 
                         once and for all!
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Yeah.

                                     MAN 2
                         Yeah.

                                     JIMBO
                          All o' you men. You may have lost in 
                         the Union today, but join us now and 
                         win back your pride!
 
                                     MAN 3
                         Yeah.

                                     MAN 4
                         Yeah.

                                     RANDY
                         Well, the Union be damned!

                                     JIMBO
                         Let's go!

                                     MEN
                         Yeah! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh! What was our bet again? Let's see... 
                         Yes, I remember. If the South wins you 
                         have to be my slaves for a month.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         They're just drunk, Cartman! As soon 
                         as they sober up, they'll stop.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. E-e-enjoy your freedon, gentlemen. 
                         Soon, you will be my properteh. Come, 
                         Kenny. Come fight for us, and I'll make 
                         sure you get lots of plunder and womens.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!) 

                                     [TOPEKA, KANSAS, 7
                         53 A.M., next morning. A rooster crows. 
                         The town goes about its business. A 
                         mailman delivers some mail. A woman 
                         opens the school door. A traffic cop 
                         directs traffic. Two kids play catch 
                         in front of the school. The woman returns 
                         with the flag and hoists it up on the 
                         flagpole, and the mailman drops by.]
 
                         
                                     MAILMAN
                         Oh good morning, Mrs. Hollis.

                                     MRS. HOLLIS
                         Hello, Ralph.

                                     RALPH
                         Did you happen to catch that ball gamem 
                         last night?
 
                                     MRS. HOLLIS
                         I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty 
                         late and- 
 
                                     DRIVER
                         What's that noise, officer? 

                                     SOUTH PARK MEN
                         Yeah! Yeah!

                                     JIMBO
                         Ccchhhhaaaarrrrggggeeee!

               [Randy knocks Ralph down with the butt of his gun. Gerald tackles 
               Mrs. Hollis. Another man prepares a Molotov cocktail and throws 
               in into a house, then salutes the resulting fire. Jimbo and Med 
               head for the church, and its congregants rush out screaming. 
               Stuart aims at the officer and shoots him]
 
                                     OFFICER
                          Ow!

                                     STUART
                         Freeze, buddy. These are blanks, but 
                         they still hurt like hell! 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         It's ours, it's ours! We've taken Topeka!
 
                         
                                     MEN
                         Yeah!

                                     RANDY
                          Alright, Yank, tell us where you keep 
                         your Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps?!
 
                         
                                     RALPH
                         Uh-uh-uh schnapps? Uhm, uh-uh-I guess 
                         that would be at the liquor store.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         WHERE?!

                                     RALPH
                         At the liquor store, at the liquor stohohohohore!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          Come on, boys! 

                                     MRS. HOLLIS
                          This is the most bizarre thing I've 
                         ever seen.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Excuse meh.

               [South Park. Stan and Kyle wait at a regular bus stop]

                                     STAN
                         Dude, my mom is sooo pissed at my dad 
                         for going to Kansas.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I know, but—why do they have to take 
                         it out on us? Why do we have to wait 
                         around for them to come back?
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh here comes the bus.  Butters? Are 
                         you the only one that came back?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, conuh-  Confederate Messenger Butters 
                         reporting, sir. I have a message for 
                         you from the battlefield. 
 
                                     STAN
                         What battlefield?!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh Topeka. We're raisin' all kids of 
                         hell, see?  Eh, it's probably the most 
                         fun I've had in several months. Wuwell, 
                         you gonna read your message or not? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dear guys.

               
               
               Yours,

               General Cartman Lee 

                                     STAN
                          God damnit, that fat piece of shit!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! What if Cartman really does succeed? 
                         And we really do have to be his slaves??
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         That would suck so much ass.

                                     KYLE
                         We have to stop him, dude.

                                     STAN
                         I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us. 
                         Where's the Confederate Army now, Butters?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh-uh, wuh-I ain't supposed to tell 
                         you that. If I told you that, well, 
                         why I'd be a, a no-good Yankee son of 
                         a bitch.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We'll give you 10 bucks.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. O-oh, okay.

               [News Report]

                                     REPORTER
                         ...And she was forced to live off her 
                         own feces for several days. In national 
                         news,  a frightening radical group from 
                         Colorado is making its way across the 
                         Southern states of Aemrica.  The group 
                         is recruiting new members in every town 
                         they pass through, and rapidly growing 
                         in number.  So authorities have decided 
                         to call in the National Guard. The groups 
                         seems to be led by military mastermind 
                         and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern , 
                         who is known for his guerilla-fighting 
                         and leadership skills.
 
               [Somewhere...]

                                     JIMBO
                          Give me some more s'more schnapps! 
                         I'm gonna be sick.  Blouach.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought.
 
                         
                                     GRANDPA
                         Well, comem on Billy, we've gotta make 
                         these little peckers stop before they 
                         get themselves killed.
 
                                     MAN
                          Aaaaa!

                                     BRUNET
                         They say you can either fight them or 
                         join them.
 
                                     BLOND
                         Well I'm joining them. Those blanks 
                         hurt!
 
                                     STAN
                          Dad, Dad.  Mom wants you to come home.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Not now, uh Stan, I'm pillaging.  Get 
                         over here!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You've got to stop, Dad. If the South 
                         wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's 
                         slaves!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         This is a reenactment, Kyle. My name 
                         is Pvt. John Fugasol, and I have to 
                         do what my general tells me!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey! There's some more schnapps over 
                         here!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         More schnapps! 

                                     SGT. LARSEN
                          I'm Sgt. Larsen of the National Guard. 
                         We're here to stop the terrorists.
 
                         
                                     GRANDPA
                         They're not terrorists, they're just 
                         a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.
 
                         
                                     LARSEN
                         Well, we can't just shoot 'em; there's 
                         innocents and children about. Dawkins!
 
                         
                                     DAWKINS
                         Sir!

                                     LARSEN
                         Fire a warning flare!

                                     DAWKINS
                         Yes sir! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Medic! 

                                     LARSEN
                         Woops.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

                                     GRANDPA
                         You bastards!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey!

                                     SOLDIER
                          We can't fire at them, sir. There are 
                         too many children.
 
                                     LARSEN
                         Then how do we stop them?

                                     STAN
                         I know! But we'll have to wait until 
                         dark.
 
               [South Park, Kenny's house, morning. Mrs. McCormick comes out 
               to pick up the day's mail. She finds a letter, opens it, and 
               reads... The sepia image of Cartman returns]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dear Ms. McCormick

               
               It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you that your 
               son Kenny was killed in battle [her brows rise in surprise] on 
               the morning of November 18, at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga. 
               This war has taken something from all of us, and, although your 
               son seems to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share 
               your pain. Your son did not die in vain. I shall persevere and 
               make Stan and Kyle my slaves. Because I hate those guys. I hate 
               them so very very much.
 
               
               Yours,

               General Cartman Lee 

               [The Confederate camp. The men relax and talk. Stan, Kyle, Grandpa, 
               and Larsen sneak in...]
 
                                     STAN
                         There, you see? We take the s'more schnapps, 
                         and by morning they're all gonna wanna 
                         go home.
 
                                     GRANDPA
                         Nice thinkin', Billy.

                                     LARSEN
                         Let's go. 

                                     JIMBO
                          Where to next, General?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Where did the Confederates go, son?
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Well, I guess uh Fort Sumter in South 
                         Carolina. That's where the Civil War 
                         really escalated.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah, splendid. Then to Fort Sumter we 
                         shall go.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Welluh, that sounds great. I'm gonna 
                         get some s'more schnapps. You want anything?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah. Can I get some of those animal 
                         cookies? Those frosty ones with the 
                         sprinkles on 'em.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Um, sure.  What the-? Ey, where's the 
                         s'more schnapps?
 
                                     RANDY
                          We're out of s'more schnapps?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          That can't be.

                                     JIMBO
                         I guess we drank it all.

                                     DAWKINS
                         Now what?

                                     STAN
                         Now we just wait until morning. Check-mate, 
                         Cartman. Pretty soon, you're gonna be 
                         our slave.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     SOLDIER 1
                         Uugh.

                                     SOLDIER 2
                         Ouch.

                                     RANDY
                          Oh, my head.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Where am I?

                                     JIMBO
                          Ned, I think I can say without any 
                         doubt that that was the longest drinking 
                         binge we've ever had.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmm-oh. Gmm-oh, my head.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh no, I'm supposed to be at work today.
 
                         
                                     STUART
                         Me, too.

                                     JIMBO
                          Well, come on everybody. We've got 
                         to get to the nearest bus station, quick.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Where are you going?

                                     JIMBO
                         We're goin' home kid. Come on. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         We can't go home, we have to take Fort 
                         Sumter! 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Uh, the only thing we have to do is 
                         get home before our wives leave us.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          No! What about the Confederasuh?! What 
                         about freedom?!
 
                                     STAN
                          Haha! You lose, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         God, I hate you guys!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but you know? I think you've learned 
                         something today. You've learned that 
                         you can't rewrite history.  You see, 
                         history is forever,  and everything 
                         happens for a reason.  Sure, you can 
                         try and change the past, but usually 
                         you kno-
 
                                     STAN
                         Where are you going?

                                     CARTMAN
                         This isn't over! Oh no! Oh no, not by 
                         a long shot! 
 
               [The long march home... The group is in a meadow.]

                                     RANDY
                         Ogh. I don't believe we came all the 
                         way out here.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah? Well, I don't think the bus station 
                         is too far from here.
 
                                     STUART
                         Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket 
                         back to Colorado is gonna run? 
 
                                     SUZETTE
                         Allo, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps 
                         girl.  We are pleased to sponsor you 
                         with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Awgh, I can't drink anymore of that 
                         stuff.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Me neither.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh uh come uh, come on, guys. Just one 
                         little drink. Uh a toast to how far 
                         you came and all that you saw.
 
                                     SUZETTE
                         Yes, please. Do a shot out of my breasts. 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Well, uh I guhess one little cheers 
                         is in order.
 
               [Soon, the men are drunk again and having a good time.]

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, look! Ned's doin' his trick again! 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hey, guys. Let's all play a game of 
                         "grab ass."
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What's "grab ass?"

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You know. We just run around in circles 
                         and try to grab each other's asses.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Ey, that sounds fun. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hohoho.

                                     SOLDERS
                         I got you. Oo-oh. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party, 
                         but I believe we have a fort to take.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         You heard the General.

                                     SOLDIERS
                         Yeah! 

                                     STAN
                          Oh, no.

                                     KYLE
                         We'll never stop them now.

               [The March of War. Chattanooga, Tennessee, is struck, then Atlanta, 
               Georgia; then eastern and southeastern Alabama, then Orlando, 
               Florida. The group is on a log ride]
 
                                     SOLDIERS
                         Woohoo!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! Yes!

               [Southeast Georgia is struck, then Darling County, South Carolina.]
 
               
               [Fort Sumter, day. A tour is taking place.]

                                     GUIDE
                         Throughout 1861 the Confederate authorities 
                         tried to drive out the Union occupants 
                         of Fort Sumter peacefully. But Abraham 
                         Lincoln's administration would not surrender 
                         the fort to the Confederates, so Jefferson 
                         Davis decided to take action.
 
                                     TOURIST
                         And the Confederates won the fort?
 
                         
                                     GUIDE
                         Yes.  Imagine what it must have been 
                         like: you're a Union soldier stationed 
                         at this fort, and one day, you look 
                         out and see thousands of Confederates 
                         ready to pounce on you.  Uh...
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Take the fort!

                                     JIMBO
                         Charge!

                                     MEN
                         Yeah!  Woohoo, yeah, come on!

                                     JIMBO
                         We got it! The fort is ours! 

                                     RANDY
                         What was that?? 

                                     LARSEN
                          Attention political activists: you 
                         are on government historical document 
                         property! Surrender the document with 
                         your hands up! If you would like a tour 
                         of the fort, one can be arranged through 
                         the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Give up, fatass! There's over a hundred 
                         National Guards down here.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Suck my ass!

                                     JIMBO
                         What do we do, General? We're outnumbered.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         We asked the State of South Carlina 
                         for recruits. The reenforcements are 
                         bound to show up.
 
                                     LARSEN
                         Alright, that does it. Blow the whole 
                         thing up.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, you can't do that. Our dads are 
                         there.
 
                                     LARSEN
                         Sorry, son. We tried it your way; now 
                         we do it our way. Prepare the mortar.
 
                         
                                     ELDERLY VOICE
                         Hold it right there! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Wow, look at that! The entire state 
                         of South Carolina showed up! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I knew they would!

                                     STAN
                         Aw, damnit!

                                     LEADER
                          We're ready to fight with ya. Long 
                         live the Confederacy!
 
                                     MEN
                         Yee-haw! All right!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now our numbers are truly great. It 
                         is time. It is time to march to Washington 
                         D.C.!
 
                                     [WASHINGTON D.C., 7
                         45 A.M., next day. The group has entered 
                         the city and are protesting outside 
                         the white house. The Million Confederate 
                         March?]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, government! You can't ignore our 
                         anguished cries anymore! You hear that?! 
                         You Government?! 
 
                                     AL GORE
                         Oh boy, this doesn't look good.

               [the three men turn away from the window]

                                     ADVISOR
                         It's just like the Million Man March, 
                         except that there actually are a million 
                         people.
 
                                     AIDE
                         Mr. President! A message for you from 
                         the extremists! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dear Mr. President:

               
               There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's 
               authoritah. You must declare the Confederaceh its own nation 
               so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If 
               you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes 
               we have of you with Marisa Tomei. 
 
                                     CLINTON
                         Oh, dear God! Wuh-we have to meet their 
                         demands.
 
                                     ADVISOR
                         What?? Sir, there's- there's not that 
                         many of them.
 
                                     AL GORE
                         As Vice-Persident, I think we'd better 
                         give them what they want. It's just 
                         the Southern states; who really needs 
                         them?
 
                                     CLINTON
                         My hands are tied. Tell General Lee 
                         that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
 
                         
                                     AIDE
                          Sir!

                                     AL GORE
                         I'm so glad I don't have your job. 
 
                         
               [back outside in the raucous crowd]

                                     STAN
                         Dude, let's just give up right now and 
                         accept that we have to be Cartman's 
                         slaves.
 
                                     GRANDPA
                         Damnit, Billy, this isn't about you 
                         havin' to be slaves! This is about history! 
                         We can't let them change it!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, we've tried everything, Grandpa. 
                         What else can we do?
 
                                     GRANDPA
                         Wait a munute! They're all still doing 
                         a reenactment. What we have to do is 
                         play into that. Come on, Billy. You 
                         boys need a quick history lesson! 
 
                         
               [The Capitol, later. President Clinton is at a table on the Capitol 
               with Gore and others]
 
                                     CLINTON
                         All right, I'm gonna sign the document 
                         declarin' the Confederacy winners of 
                         the Civil War.
 
                                     CONFEDERATES
                          Hooray!

                                     JIMBO
                          Boy, we really got the President by 
                         the balls. Good thing you have that 
                         videotape of him and Marisa Tomei.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't. I made it up. 

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey! Who's that?!

                                     KYLE
                         Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President 
                         of the United States.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President 
                         of the Confederacy.
 
                                     CLINTON
                         Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, 
                         doesn't it?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell are you guys doing?!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson 
                         Davis! You can't talk that way to a 
                         superior officer!
 
                                     STAN
                         Men, I want you all to know that as 
                         President of the Confederacy, I am hereby 
                         surrendering.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your 
                         surrender, and agree to your conditions. 
                         You and all the Confederates will have 
                         all the S'more Schnapps you can drink 
                         for a year.
 
                                     CONFEDERATES
                         Wow!

                                     RANDY
                         A whole year?

                                     JIMBO
                         All right! Well, I think we got what 
                         we wanted.
 
                                     CLINTON
                         That's it? I-I don't have to sign this 
                         thing? 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey, come on. We should take a tour 
                         of the Smithsonian before we head back.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No! We still have to fight!

                                     JIMBO
                          Lincoln and Davis signed the treaty, 
                         General. The war is over.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         NOOO!!

                                     STAN
                          It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. And now you can stake that stupid 
                         beard off! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-  -AAAH!
 
                         
                                     CLINTON
                          Boys, as President of the United States, 
                         I want to commend you for stopping the 
                         rebel uprising.
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't touch me. 

                                     KYLE
                         Well Cartman, the South lost! That mean 
                         you're our slave for a month!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Damnit! Damnit, I was so close! Damnit!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Now, the first thing I want you to do 
                         for us is-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait a minute! I don't have to be your 
                         slave.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What??

                                     CARTMAN
                         The North still won the Civil War! That 
                         means slavery is abolished!
 
                                     CLINTON
                         Eh, he's right, boys. Slavery is illegal 
                         and immoral, partially in thanks to 
                         the North winning the Civil War.
 
                                     STAN
                         Awwww!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hahahaha haa ha!

                                     STAN
                         Aw, the hell with it. Let's go home. 
                          Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Thanks, dick!

               [End of The Red Badge Of Gayness]

The Red Badge Of Gayness



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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