The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 613


                           "THE RETURN OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF
                              THE RING TO THE TWO TOWERS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Stan's house, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand in the living 
               room in costume]
 
                                     STAN
                         O Great Wizard of Gregendath. What quest 
                         do you ask of this Ranger and Paladin?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Only one thing can save our kingdom. 
                         You must bring me: a piece of pecan 
                         pie with toffee ice cream and magic 
                         shell. Hurry now!
 
                                     KYLE
                         That quest sucks, Cartman! Think of 
                         another one!
 
                                     RANDY
                          Uh, boys,  Butters' parents want to 
                         borrow the Lord of the Rings video we 
                         rented. Could you take it over to them?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You're sending us on... a quest? You 
                         ask of us to take the one video to the 
                         House of Butters?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, whatever.

                                     CARTMAN
                         It shall be a long journey with many 
                         dangers on the way.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But if the tape must be brought to the 
                         House of Butters, who else can do it?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Very well, we shall embark on this 
                         quest immediately, father! Come, warriors!
 
                         
                                     THE BOYS
                         Ho! 

                                     RANDY
                          Hmmm, that gets rid of them.

                                     SHARON
                         Ooo, you're a little frisky, aren't 
                         you?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, well uh, the Lord of the Rings 
                         wasn't the only thing I rented from 
                         the video store.  I also rented... a 
                         porno.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oho, you little devil.

                                     RANDY
                          Youuu wanna go watch?

               [The neighborhood streets, night. The boys are well into their 
               quest]
 
                                     STAN
                         How shall we journey to the house of 
                         Butters? Through the mines of Endor 
                         or over the mountains of Grog?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Look out! Here comes the great dragon 
                         of Perengraph!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't worry! I am the great wizard Motortart. 
                         I can shield us from the dragon's fire. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Good job, wizard.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And so the party journeyed onward: the 
                         great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and 
                         the covetous Jew.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm a Paladin, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Jews can't be Paladins.

               [Stan's house, night. As the kid journey, Randy and Sharon are 
               in their room getting ready for a night of porno. Sharon appears 
               in a ruby lingerie, leans suggestively against the doorway of 
               the master bathroom and runs her finger along the bedroom wall. 
               Randy takes the porno to the TV]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Hey there, cowboy.

                                     RANDY
                          You ready for some hot, steamy fun?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          You bet I am!

                                     RANDY
                         The guys at the office told me I had 
                         to rent this porno. They said "this 
                         is without a doubt thee hottest porno 
                         ever made." 
 
                                     SHARON
                          Mmm, sounds good.

                                     RANDY
                         I love that lingerie.  Yeah. You like 
                         that?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Mm, yeah baby.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeeaahhh.  Alright, you ready?

                                     SHARON
                         Ready?

                                     RANDY
                         Oh yeah. 

                                     NARRATOR
                          The story begins in ages past, in the 
                         deep regions of Middle Earth, where 
                         Scorn first thrived in the kingdom of 
                         Gelgelar.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Aw man, I hate when pornos try to have 
                         a story.
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         Seven rings were cast and given to the 
                         races of men.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh yeah. 

                                     NARRATOR
                         Seven, to the races of elves, five to 
                         the gloondock villagers of Gelgendor. 
                         
 
                                     SHARON
                         Wow, the production values are really 
                         good in this porno. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, it almost looks like... the Lord 
                         of the...  OH MY GOD! <> This is Lord 
                         of the Rings!!
 
                                     SHARON
                         But then that means...!

                                     RANDY
                         The boys have the hottest porno ever 
                         made!
 
               [Night, Butters' house. The boys approach. Kyle knocks, Mr. Stotch 
               answers, Mrs. Stotch arrives a moment later]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh, hello boys.

                                     STAN
                         My father has asked that we bring you 
                         this copy of Lord of the Rings.
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Well, thank you very much, kind heroes.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Perhaps a reward is in order. Gold? 
                         Frankensteincense?
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh, but you are noble heroes! We know 
                         our thanks is enough. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, that's crap.

               [Butters' house, basement. Butters is drawing something on paper. 
               His parents descend with video in hand]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Butters,  look what we have for you 
                         to watch: the Lord of the Rings.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Oh, boy! Finally I get to see it!
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         Now Daddy and I have to do our taxes, 
                         so you can watch this by yourself and 
                         not get scared?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ah I won't get scared, Mom. Promise!
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         That's our man. Here you go. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Ooh la lolly! I finally get to see, 
                         the Lord of the- Rings. 
 
                                     MAN
                          Spank that ass 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa.  Neato.  Well, this is good.
 
                         
               [The Marsh car. Randy drives, Sharon worries. They have donned 
               pajamas and thrown on coats]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh my God, this is gonna be so embarassing. 
                         "Hi Chris, Hi Linda. We were just wondering 
                         if we could get our porno back." 
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Calm down, maybe the boys haven't gotten 
                         there yet.
 
               [The woods, night. As Randy and Sharon head for Butters' house, 
               the boys walk home through backwoods]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And so the party returns home after 
                         completing their great quest.
 
                                     STAN
                         The one tape was returned and South 
                         Park was again at peace. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Quick! A monster of Rivendell!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Prepare for battle! 

                                     SHARON
                         The boys! 

                                     RANDY
                         Boys! Boys!  Where's the videotape?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We gave it to the parents of Butters 
                         as commanded by you.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Awgh, I gues we have to go talk to 'em 
                         now.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Wellll, wait a minute, uhhh, boys, do 
                         you think you can go get that tape back 
                         for us really fast? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This sounds like a really important 
                         quest.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yes, it is. It is more important than 
                         anything I've ever asked you to do. 
                         You must retrieve the tape. But do not 
                         look at it, uh, for it ...holds an evil 
                         power! Retrieve the tape, and return 
                         it to us at home.  Do this, and you 
                         will be greatly rewarded.
 
                                     STAN
                         Woww.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This... is so cool.

                                     KYLE
                          Gentlemen, we are OFF! 

                                     RANDY
                          Okay, problem solved.

               [Butters' house, moments later. Butters is looking at more of 
               the video. Steamy action is heard]
 
                                     WONAN
                         ...Oh my God, I'm so... Mmmm, mmm...
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh golly.  Hey, what's happening down 
                         there? 
 
                                     STAN
                         We have come to reclaim the one tape! 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Wha, wha, what are you doing?! 

                                     KYLE
                          The Queen and King of Stan's's house 
                         wish the Lord of the Rings returned 
                         to them.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         M-but it's the greatest movie I have 
                         ever seen. You guys were right. Lord 
                         of the Rings IS awesome. Eh, you have 
                         to let me finish watching it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Nay, Butters! The one tape must be brought 
                         back to Stan's's house! 
 
               [Butters' house, outside.]

                                     BUTTERS
                         BWAAAGH! 

                                     KYLE
                         Butters! We said you can't watch it! 
                         We have a quest!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well then, then let me go with you.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, fine Butters. But if you're gonna 
                         hang out with us, you have to play like 
                         Lord of the Rings. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wuh, okay.  Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, 
                         yeah.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Butters, what the hell are you doing?!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          Playing Lord of the Rings.  Ugh, wegh, 
                         oh yeah.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Get the hell off me! You're a freak, 
                         Butters! You can't play with us!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Wah let me have the tape!

                                     STAN
                          No, we have to return it! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         My movie!  My awesome cool movie. My... 
                         preciousss.
 
               [The woods, night. The boys retrace their steps through the backwoods]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         And so the tape was again retrieved 
                         to be brought back to Stan's's house.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         This copy of Lord of the Rings made 
                         the young Butters behave quite awfully.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, and mine parents were acting strange 
                         about it, too.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Perhaps the one videotape has some power 
                         we have not foreseen. 
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                          Well well well! If it isn't Robin Hood 
                         and he Merry Men!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, crap, the sixth graders!

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Whatcha got there?

                                     STAN
                         Nothing.  Hey kid!

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                          Lord of the Rings? Ha! That movie's 
                         gay!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're gay!

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                          What the?  Whoa!  Check it out, you 
                         guys!
 
                                     STAN
                         Give it back! We're on a quest to return 
                         it to my parents!
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                          No way! We're keepin' this and watchin' 
                         it ourselves!
 
                                     KYLE
                         You can't keep it.

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         And what are three little fourth graders 
                         gonna do about it, huh?!
 
                                     STAN
                         There's four of us! Kenny's soul is 
                         still trapped in Cartman's body!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah!

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Oh man, I can't wait to see this!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, that video is making people act 
                         strange.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         The one tape must be returned!  Run! 
                         
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Get 'em! 

               [Butters' house. The Marshes have arrived, and Randy knocks on 
               the door. Chris answers the door again]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Oh, hello Randy, Sharon.

                                     RANDY
                         Uh Chris, are the boys over here?

                                     LINDA
                         No, just Butters. He's been watching 
                         the Lord of the Rings downstairs.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Oh dear!

                                     CHRIS
                         What's the matter?

                                     RANDY
                         We...  well, this is really sort of 
                         funny, but uh, we, we accidently put 
                         a... porno in the Lord of the Rings 
                         box. 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Ohh Godd!! 

               [Butters' basement. The adults enter. The TV is still on, but 
               there's no picture. Butters isn't around]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Butters?

                                     LINDA
                         Butters?  Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                          The preciousss?  Could you bring back 
                         my preciousss?
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Butters, where is the movie you were 
                         watching?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          They took his precious, took it away 
                         to watch without him.  He was really 
                         enjoying that movie, too! My... precious.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         The boys must've come and saw what it 
                         was and... then taken it away somewhere.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Oh no. 

               [The woods, later. The camera moves from a clearing to a tree 
               with a large root shading a pocket underneath. The boys come 
               into view]
 
                                     KYLE
                         We can't let those sixth graders get 
                         their hands on this videotape.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I must say I agree. If this copy of 
                         the Lord of the Rings is tainted, it 
                         would not be safe in the wrong hands.
 
                         
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                          I smell fourth graders!

                                     STAN
                         Oh crap, dude!

                                     KYLE
                         Hide! 

                                     SIXTH GRADER 2
                          Hey.  I think I see something down 
                         the hill. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Ogh. 

                                     KYLE
                         Phew. The one videotape is sought after 
                         indeed.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Butters, my parents, now the sixth 
                         graders.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Come, guys. We must bring this all 
                         to the attention of the High Elf of 
                         Paragon.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, the High Elf. He'll know what 
                         to do. 
 
               [Kyle's house, night. The boys' parents are all gathered in the 
               living room.]
 
                                     RANDY
                          And so that's the situation. All the 
                         boys are out there somewhere with a... 
                         pornographic videotape.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh God, this, this is horrible!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         All right, calm down. Now, just how 
                         bad of a porno tape are we talking here? 
                         I mean, was it like Crotch Capers 3?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         I'm a...fraid it was... Back Door Sluts 
                         9. 
 
                                     GERALD, CHRIS
                         Back Door Sluts 9???

                                     LINDA
                         Is that bad?

                                     CHRIS
                         Back Door Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 
                         3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Ih, it is the single most vile, twisted, 
                         dark piece of porn ever made. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          How the hell do you know?!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          I, uh, I I I read about it in People.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Oh, this is just great! How could you 
                         two be so careless?!
 
                                     SHARON
                         We're sorry.

                                     LIANE
                         Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys 
                         forever from these things. Maybe it's 
                         okay for them to see an adult film.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Not without their parents to put it 
                         in a proper context! They won't understand 
                         what they're seeing!
 
                                     RANDY
                         It it can't hurt 'em that much, can 
                         it?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Preciousss.  Let me see my preciousss. 
                          Plee-ee-ee-ease! 
 
               [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman arrive at a house. Stan rings the doorbell 
               twice, but no answer.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Open.  Bellog. 

                                     CLYDE
                         What do you guys want?

                                     STAN
                         We must speak with the High Elf of Paragon.
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         Oh. Okay, hang on a second.  What troubles 
                         you?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We have in our possession something 
                         of great power.  It is... the Lord of 
                         the Rings.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         So? I have three copies. And the DVD 
                         with twelve hours of extra footage.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yes, but this is not a-  Wow, twelve 
                         hours? ...Yes, but this is not a normal 
                         copy. It's making people act really 
                         strange. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're seriously, High Elf. Something 
                         very evil lurks in this tape.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Very well, I shall call the council 
                         together. Meet me in the Woods of Gathering 
                         behind Talangar the Black's house. And 
                         don't let my mom see you, 'cause I'll 
                         get in trouble.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you, High Elf of Paragon.

                                     CLYDE
                         Faragon, asshole! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Clyde's a dick.

               [A parking lot in town, night. A bunch of kids are gathered there 
               on their bikes. The lead sixth graders hops onto a car and gets 
               the others' attention.]
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Alright, everybody listen up! There's 
                         three snot-nosed little fourth graders 
                         out there who have a porno called Back 
                         Door Sluts 9.
 
                                     OTHER SIXTH GRADERS
                         Oooooo!

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         I checked it out on the Internet, and 
                         it said that Back Door Sluts 9 is thee 
                         most hard-core porno ever made!
 
                                     OTHER SIXTH GRADERS
                         Ahhhhh!

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         I have amassed this army of sixth graders 
                         to get the tape by any means necessary! 
                         Now, let's go get that porno!! 
 
               [Token's mansion, backyard, night. Very leafy backyard indeed. 
               The camera moves from a shot of the moon to a shot of all the 
               fourth grade boys seated around a small table.]
 
                                     CLYDE
                         And so that is the situation. The video 
                         may or may not have evil power. Kyle, 
                         would you bring it up here, please? 
                         
 
                                     OTHER BOYS
                         Ahhh.

                                     JIMMY
                         That video could have been made by Sauron's 
                         evil f- ...forces.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         It could hold a mental spell of some 
                         kind.
 
                                     KEVIN
                          Perhaps we could use it to strengthen 
                         our star cruisers. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kevin, God-damnit! 

                                     CLYDE
                         Look, until we see this tape's power 
                         for ourselves, we cannot risk giving 
                         it to anybody.
 
                                     STAN
                         But if we watch it, we could fall under 
                         its spell, too.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         That is true. Only a Paladin with a 
                         high constitution should watch the tape. 
                         Therefore, I think it is a job for you, 
                         Talangar the Black.
 
                                     TOKEN
                          I am not scared. I'll go inside and 
                         watch the tape,  just for a few seconds. 
                         If I do not return in two minutes, send 
                         a party in after me.  The fate of Middle 
                         Earth... is in my hands. 
 
               [The neighborhood. The sixth graders come into view on their 
               bicycles making all sorts of noise]
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Fourth graders! Give us that porno! 
                         
 
                                     SHARON
                         Boys? 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Boys, we're not mad at you. We just 
                         wanna talk to you. 
 
               [Token's mansion, backyard. The boys wait for Token's verdict]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Talangar the Black returns from watching 
                         the video. 
 
                                     CLYDE
                         What vice did you see on the videotape, 
                         Talangar? Is it the work of Sauron's 
                         magic? 
 
                                     TOKEN
                         I'm not playing anymore. 

                                     STAN
                          Uh well wait, what'd you see?

                                     TOKEN
                          I don't know, I don't wanna know. I'm 
                         out. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         My God, this thing must really be powerful. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         This tape makes people freak out wherever 
                         it goes.
 
                                     STAN
                         What do we do with it?

                                     CLYDE
                         One thing for sure, this tape cannot 
                         be trusted with anybody. This must be 
                         returned to the video store from whence 
                         it came.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Well where is the videotape rented from?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Two Towers Video Store. Ih in Conifer.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Conifer?? Walking there would take hours!
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         There's no alternative. We have to return 
                         the tape before it causes more damage!
 
                         
                                     KINDERGARTNER
                         I'll go.

                                     CLYDE
                         Ha! We cannot trust something of that 
                         much power to a dwarf! Especially a 
                         kindergartner dwarf. 
 
                                     CRAIG
                         You're too young.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Quiet!

                                     JIMMY
                         You guys, this is stupid.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You're acting like a bunch of assholes!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I will take it!  I will walk to the 
                         video store.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         It is too far and too dangerous to go 
                         alone. Take with you the wizard , the 
                         dwarf , the warrior , the cleric , and 
                         the Jew .
 
                                     KYLE
                          Paladin!

                                     CLYDE
                         Very well. You shall be the Fellowship 
                         of the Lord of the Rings. Good luck. 
                         I have to go home now before I get in 
                         trouble.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Me too.

                                     OTHER BOYS
                          Yeah, yeah, yeah.

                                     CRAIG
                         Only the six of us are to go?

                                     STAN
                         No no, there's seven of us. Kenny's 
                         soul is still trapped in Cartman's body, 
                         remember?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, stupid.  Yeah. Luckily, Cartman's 
                         body is big enough for the both of us. 
                          Shut up, Kenny.
 
               [Kenosha Pass, snowing. The boys walk along the highway through 
               the pass]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         So it was that the heroes traveled many 
                         miles to return the Lord of the Rings 
                         to the video store.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We have reached the Great Pass of Mount 
                         Ururalak.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Look out! 

                                     KYLE
                          We were almost killed.

                                     CARTMAN
                         A dark wizard must be trying to stop 
                         us!
 
                                     STAN
                         True. Someone or something doesn't want 
                         this video returned to the video store.
 
                         
               [Token's mansion. The boys' parents are at the front door. The 
               front door opens and Token's parents appear]
 
                                     TOKEN'S FATHER
                         Oh. Hello everybody.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Steve, uh, we heard that a bunch of 
                         the kids were over here a little while 
                         ago.
 
                                     TOKEN'S MOTHER
                         Well yes, I believe they were, but they've 
                         gone. What's the matter?
 
                                     RANDY
                         We think our boys might be showing other 
                         chiildren a, uh, ...pornographic tape.
 
                         
                                     STEVE
                         Wha? But Token's never seen a porno 
                         before. He wouldn't know what to- Oh 
                         God! 
 
                                     TOKEN'S MOTHER
                         Token! 

               [The dining room table. Token sits alone on one of the many seats 
               there. The adults arrive]
 
                                     TOKEN'S MOTHER
                         Token? Did the boys come over and.. 
                         show you a movie? 
 
                                     STEVE
                         Token?  Alright, Token. We know you 
                         must be very confused about what you 
                         saw. 
 
                                     RANDY
                          Yes, uh... you see, Token... that was 
                         called a pornographic film uh, ih it 
                         shows adult men and adult women having 
                         sexual intercourse.  Well, ya, you see, 
                         when a, when a man and a woman fall 
                         in love, the the man puts his penis 
                         in the woman's vagina. It's called love-making, 
                         and it's part of being in love.
 
                                     TOKEN
                          ...And when the woman has four penises 
                         in her at the same time, then stands 
                         over the men and pees on them, is that 
                         part of being in love too?  Five midgets, 
                         spanking a man... covered in Thousand 
                         Island dressing. Is that making love?
 
                         
                                     STEVE
                         Jesus, what kind of porno is that??
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         It was Back Door Sluts 9.

                                     STEVE
                         Oh, Jesus, not that one! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, Gerald, poor Kyle must be just as 
                         confused and scared as this poor kid.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Uh Token, this is very important: do 
                         you know where the boys went with the 
                         naughty tape?
 
               [Bailey town limit. The boys arrive there]

                                     CRAIG
                         We're entering the limits of Bailey. 
                         Everyone stay close.
 
                                     STAN
                         Perhaps the Great Ringworm of Bailey 
                         is about.
 
                                     KINDERGARTNER
                         Ringworms are no match for a dwarf.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Guys, we shall slay the Ringworm and 
                         take his bounty of treasure!  For that 
                         is the way of the-
 
                                     BOY 1
                         I shall put the magic spell on you!
 
                         
                                     BOY 2
                         I have blocked your spell, wizard!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, what are you guys doing? 

                                     BOY 3
                         We're playing Harry Potter.

                                     CARTMAN
                          HA!! Fags!! 

                                     KYLE
                          You guys. Somebody is following us.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's Butters.

                                     KYLE
                         Butters?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. He's been following us for like 
                         two hours. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         The precious videotape. L-let the Butters 
                         see it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Just ignore him - maybe he'll go away.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Hey fellas, mind if we take a little 
                         re-rest?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         There's no time for rest, sorcerer! 
                         Keep up! 
 
                                     JIMMY
                         They are coming.  You guys go on ahead.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Jimmy, are you sure?

                                     JIMMY
                         Go!  You shall not! ...pah? You shall 
                         not! puh.  You shall not paah.  You 
                         shall not pa-!  You shall not paah! 
                          You shall not puh-uh-uh  You shall 
                         not pass. 
 
               [A river, further along the quest. Stan looks back to see about 
               Jimmy.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Jimmy didn't stop them!

                                     KYLE
                         They're gonna take the Lord of the Rings 
                         from us.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Quick! Cross the river! Sixth graders 
                         can't stand water!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         What? That's stupid.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm a high-ranking white wizard, Craig, 
                         and I say sixth graders are opposed 
                         to WATER!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Whatever. I'm going back to play with 
                         the Harry Potter kids. 
 
                                     KINDERGARTNER
                         Me too. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Go ahead and play Harry Butthole Pussy 
                         Potter!
 
                                     STAN
                         Just get across the river! They're coming! 
                         
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         What the hell is wrong with you guys?! 
                         Get the tape!
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 4
                         Dude, I don't wanna get wet.

                                     SIXTH GRADER 5
                         Yeah, I don't really like the water.
 
                         
                                     SIXTH GRADER 2
                         Besides, if our bikes get wet, their 
                         chains'll rust.
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Oh God-damnit. Alright, come on. We'll 
                         find a bridge. 
 
               [The woods, later. The boys walk through it]

                                     NARRATOR
                         The quest continued to return the Lord 
                         of the Rings to the video store.
 
                                     STAN
                         Man, we should have never crossed that 
                         stupid river.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Good job, Wizard Fatass! Now we're 
                         totally lost.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're not lost, Jewgar of Jewlingrad, 
                         we just don't know where we are! That's 
                         what lost means, stupid! Kenny, shut 
                         your Goddamned mouth!!
 
                                     STAN
                         This is great! We're in the middle of 
                         nowhere and nobody knows what direction 
                         the video store is in!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          The Butters knowses.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh brother!

                                     BUTTERS
                         The video store. Yesss. Not far from 
                         here. We can show you wheres it is.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Where?!

                                     BUTTERS
                         First, just let Butters sseee the precious.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No Butters. Look what it's done to you. 
                         It's made you even lamer than before.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         If that was possible.

                                     STAN
                         Tell us how to get to the video store, 
                         Butters, or else we're gonna kick your 
                         ass!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Ha-a-a. No hurtses the Butters.  We 
                         will show you the way. Yesss. This way 
                         it is. 
 
               [The road. The Marshes and the Broflovskis ride in the Marsh 
               car, with Randy driving, and Chris drives the Stotch car]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         This is awful! I just know with every 
                         passing minute, little Kyle is seeing 
                         more and more depraved sex acts!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well we'll find them. A-and then we'll 
                         try to put what they saw into context.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Look! There's one of the boys now!  
                         Jimmy!
 
                                     RANDY
                          Jimmy! Jimmy!  Where did the boys go 
                         with the porno tape??
 
                                     JIMMY
                         They're taking it to the vi... the vi... 
                         the vii...
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Come on Jimmy, we don't have a lot of 
                         time.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         They took it back to the video s... 
                         the video s...
 
                                     RANDY
                         The video sandwich?

                                     CHRIS
                         The video stockyard.

                                     RANDY
                         What's a video stockyard, Jimmy?

                                     JIMMY
                         No, the video suh... the video s...tih...
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Stinger?

                                     CHRIS
                         Staples. They went to the video Staples. 
                         Where's that, Jimmy?
 
                                     JIMMY
                         N-n-NO, you retards! the video s...tore!
 
                         
                                     ADULTS
                         THE VIDEO STORE! 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Hurry! Hurry!

                                     RANDY
                         I know where it is! 

               [Two Towers video store. The boys arrive out of breath and head 
               for the front door]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh no! They're closed!

                                     STAN
                         Closed??

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                          There they are!

                                     SIXTH GRADER 6
                          Don't let them turn it back into the 
                         video store!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're screwed.

                                     STAN
                          Wait. A drop box.  Quick, Kyle, drop 
                         the movie in!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Finally.  It's over.

                                     BUTTERS
                          Precious. Must have our precious. Waaah! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Butters! No!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Nows wees hases it! 

                                     STAN
                         They're coming!

                                     KYLE
                          It has to go back!

                                     BUTTERS
                         It wantses to stay with the Butter kid.
 
                         
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                          There it is! Give me that tape! 

                                     KYLE
                          Let go of the tape, Butters!

                                     BUTTERS
                         I'll never let go! 

                                     KYLE
                         Fine! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Precious! 

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Nooo!  No nooo!  Damnit! 

                                     SIXTH GRADER 2
                         Aw man, now we'll never see the hot 
                         action.
 
                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         You stupid little fourth graders!

                                     CARTMAN
                         The tape is returned to which it came. 
                         Its power over you shall fade as well.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Middle Earth is again safe.

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Yeah? Well that's not gonna stop us 
                         from kicking your asses!
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh oh.

               [the lead sixth grader approaches punching his left fist into 
               his right hand. The other sixth graders move in alowly. Headlights 
               appear and a car horn sounds. The sixth graders look at the cars, 
               as do the boys. The cars pull to a stop short of the boys]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Boys! Boys!

                                     SIXTH GRADER 1
                         Crap! Parents!  Come on, guys.  We'll 
                         see you next time, fourthies!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And perhaps they would. But for now 
                         the sixth grader army was defeated.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         There you are!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh Kyle! You're safe!

                                     STAN
                         Oh hey guys, uh. We were just about 
                         to come home. We had to return the video.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         A-alright, now, now listen, kids. There's 
                         some things we need to put into context 
                         for you. You see, a man puts his penis 
                         into a woman's vagina for both love 
                         and pleasure. But sometimes the woman 
                         lays on top of the man facing the other 
                         way so that they can put each other's 
                         genitals in their mouths.  Uh this is 
                         called "sixty-nining" and it's normal.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         See boys, a woman is sensitive in her 
                         vagina and it... feels good to have 
                         a man's penis inside of it.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         That's right, but sometimes a woman 
                         chooses to use other things. Telephones, 
                         staplers, magazines. It's because the 
                         nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, 
                         it's like a fun tickle.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Now, on to double penetration, boys. 
                         You see, sometimes when a woman has 
                         sex with more than one man, each man 
                         makes love to a different orifice.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         That's right. It's something adults 
                         can do with really good friends in a 
                         comfortable setting.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It's also important that you understand 
                         why some people choose to urinate on 
                         each other.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Going number 1 or number 2 on your lover 
                         is something people might do, but you 
                         must make sure your partner is okay 
                         with it before you start doing it.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Okay boys. Do you have any questions? 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Wwow. 

                                     RANDY
                         Well, let's all get going.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Yeah, come on boys. Time to get home. 
                         
 
                                     CHRIS
                          Wait a minute. Where's Butters?

               [Two Towers video store, inside the bin behind the drop box.]
 
               
                                     BUTTERS
                          Wu-u-wees hases our preciouseses! Preciouseses! 
                         Preciouseses!
 
               THE END

The Return Of The Fellowship Of The Ring To The Two Towers



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy