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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 303


                                    "THE SUCCUBUS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker







               [The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST 
               sign. Liane and Cartman are waiting in the lobby. Liane reads 
               a magazine. A poster off to one side reads "Real eyes the beauty 
               within."]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom, please can we just leave?

                                     LIANE
                         You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         But I hate the eye doctor. He always 
                         makes fun of me for being fat.
 
                                     LIANE
                         You're not fat, you're big-boned.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's what I told him, but he doesn't 
                         listen to reason.
 
                                     DOCTOR'S ASSISTANT
                          Eric Cartman. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Weak. 

               [Inside, Cartman stops]

                                     OPTOMETRIST
                         Hello, Eric.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hi, Dr. Lott

                                     DR. LOTT
                         How's my little piggy today?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ey! Don't call me a little piggy!
 
                         
                                     DR. LOTT
                         I just say that because you're my little 
                         buddy.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! 
                         Keep the fat jokes to yourself!
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         Hop up on the chair.  Don't break it 
                         now!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          God damn it!

                                     DR. LOTT
                         Just kidding. Let's see how your eyes 
                         are doing.  All you have to do is read 
                         the letters. Can you see the letters?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes.

                                     DR. LOTT
                         All right, read them out for me.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I am a little piggy.

               Ey! [the optometrist laughs. Cartman stands up on the chair and 
               pushes the refractor away.] That does it! Mom!
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         No no. That, that was just a weird coincidence. 
                          I do not know how that happened.  "I 
                         am a little piggy." Wow! What are the 
                         odds of that?  All right, let's get 
                         down to business, shall we? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom isn't 
                         paying you to be a comedian!
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                          Hmm, let's see, which is better: one, 
                         or two? One, or two?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         They look exactly the same.

                                     DR. LOTT
                         Just pick one. Or two.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know, two!

                                     DR. LOTT
                          Okay. One, or two? One, or two?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, one.

                                     DR. LOTT
                          One, or two? One, or two?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Two.

                                     DR. LOTT
                         No! The answer is one, piggy! One! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ow! I hate you!

                                     DR. LOTT
                          Yes, there is obviously a problem with 
                         your eyes. I am gonna have to dilate 
                         them and run some tests.
 
               [Lunchtime at the school cafeteria. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand 
               in line to get their lunches]
 
                                     KYLE
                         I wonder how come Cartman's not in school 
                         today?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Usually when he ditches school, 
                         he still shows up for lunch.
 
                                     KENNY
                         {Maybe he took a dump and got sick.} 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.  Oh, here he comes.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey dudes.

                                     STAN
                          Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         My asshole eye doctor made them all 
                         dilevated.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Why?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why? I'll tell you why! Because he's 
                         a God-damned asshole, aaand, that's 
                         about it!
 
                                     STAN
                         Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because my eyes suck. But that doctor 
                         likes to torture me and I have to go 
                         back tomorrow, and I don't know what 
                         I'm gonna do.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, just ask Chef for help. He always 
                         knows what to do.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, yeah!  Ow!

               [The kitchen. The boys approach the lunch counter]

                                     THE BOYS
                         Hey Chef!

                                     WHITE CHEF
                          Hello there, children.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed 
                         up. Chef looks like a skinny little 
                         white guy.
 
                                     WHITE CHEF
                         It's time for lunch-e-roo

                                     STAN
                         Where's Chef?

                                     WHITE CHEF
                         Chef quit.

                                     THE BOYS
                         What?!

                                     WHITE CHEF
                         Chef is gone. So let my introduce myself. 
                         I'm your new cook, Mr. Durp. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Durp?

                                     MR. DURP
                         When I'm in the kitchen, you never know 
                         what nutty things are gonna happen. 
                         If you like Chef, you're gonna love 
                         Mr. Durp.  Ooo! Durp!  Durp! O-hoh wasn't 
                         that silly kids? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Why did Chef quit?

                                     MR. DURP
                         Aren't I a great character? My antics 
                         go right to the funny bone.  Oh, I don't 
                         feel so good.  Durp!
 
                                     STAN
                          Could you just hand us some food please?
 
                         
                                     MR. DURP
                         Sure gang! I have yellow stuff or white 
                         stuff, huh. Durp!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Can I have the yellow with a side of 
                         white?
 
               [the boys reenter the cafeteria with their lunches]

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! I hate Mr. Durp!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school 
                         and get him to come back.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know, you guys. That hammer 
                         thing was pretty funny. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Shut up, Cartman!

               [Chef's house. The boys reach the front door]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ow!

                                     CHEF
                          Oh! Hello there, children!

                                     STAN
                         Chef, what the hell are you doing? We 
                         almost starved to death at lunch today.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but we didn't believe them.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, it's true.

                                     STAN
                         But why? Why would you quit?

                                     CHEF
                         Children, three nights ago I was at 
                         the library checking out some books 
                         on kama sutra when I met the most amazing 
                         woman ever. She knew so much about so 
                         many things. She really got me thinking. 
                         We eventually came back to my place 
                         and really hit it off.
 
                                     STAN
                         So you made sweet love to her down by 
                         the fire.
 
                                     CHEF
                         No no, we just sat there all night long 
                         and... taaalked
 
                                     STAN
                         Talked?!

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah. She told me all about the powers 
                         of goddess, and how men have been oppressing 
                         women for years and viewing them as 
                         sexual objects, and I realized that 
                         I had done that myself.
 
                                     WOMAN
                          Oh! What darling little children.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Here she is now. Children, meet my new 
                         girlfriend, Veronica.
 
                                     STAN
                          That's nice. Look Chef, Cartman's got 
                         this eye doctor, see, and he- Girlfriend?!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Children, Veronica is moving in with 
                         me.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Moving in?!

                                     CHEF
                         I'm in love.

                                     BOYS
                         Love?!

                                     VERONICA
                         Oh, you knight. 

                                     STAN
                         What the hell is going on?!

                                     CHEF
                         Veronica spent the whole day sharing 
                         her favorite poems with me.
 
                                     VERONICA
                          Sorry boys, looks like I'm stealing 
                         Chef away from you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But Chef always helps us with our problems. 
                         When we have a problem, Chef sings to 
                         us and makes it better.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, I can still do that, children. 
                         In fact, Veronica can help me. She's 
                         a great singer, too.
 
                                     VERONICA
                         What's the problem?

                                     CARTMAN
                         My eyes are going bad, but the only 
                         eye doctor in South Park is really, 
                         really mean.
 
                                     VERONICA
                         Oh, I know just the song for you. 
 
                         
               
               There's got to be a morning after

               if we can hold on to the night

               
               [the boys are shocked, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]

                                     CHEF
                          We have a chance to find the sunshine.
 
                         
                                     CHEF, VERONICA
                         Let's keep on looking for the light.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         This... is insane. 

               [On the sidewalk. The boys walk away from Chef's house]

                                     KYLE
                         That bitch!

                                     STAN
                         She's stealing Chef from us.

                                     KYLE
                         He didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed 
                         like a empty shell of a man.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Maybe it's just a phase. We just have 
                         to get him alone so we can tell him 
                         what a bitch she is.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wait you guys.  Maybe, is it possible 
                         that we're just jealous because Chef 
                         is our friend, and now he's paying attention 
                         to somebody new? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, so?

                                     STAN
                         ...Yeah, screw that bitch.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Bitch, I hate that bitch!

                                     KYLE
                         Look, we've just gotta get Chef alone. 
                         He won't listen to reason with that 
                         hooker around.
 
                                     STAN
                         Let's find out where he's working and 
                         go see him there tomorrow.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Good idea.

               [The optometrist's office. Dr. Lott sits in the examination room 
               holding a clipboard]
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         All right, we got the test results back, 
                         piggy-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Stop calling me piggy!

                                     DR. LOTT
                         You've got a small astigmatism that's 
                         causing all the problems.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So, what does that mean?

                                     DR. LOTT
                         It means, piggy, that your eyesight 
                         is never going to get better.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          All right. Right now, I'm gonna be 
                         totally serious, dude. Okay? If you 
                         call me piggy one more time, I'm gonna 
                         leap out of this chair  and rip your 
                         god-damned nuts off with my bare hands!
 
                         
                                     DR. LOTT
                         Well, don't worry. I've got something 
                         that's going to make your eyes as good 
                         as new. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, dude! Super weak! I'm not wearing 
                         these; the guys would totally rip on 
                         me.
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         I know, the hardest thing to do is get 
                         kids to wear their glasses.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm just gonna take them off as soon 
                         as I leave!
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         That's why we have the little stapler. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ow! Son of a bitch!

               [The streets of South Park. The boys, without Cartman, are in 
               the business district looking...]
 
                                     KYLE
                         They said that Chef works in one of 
                         these buildings 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey dudes.  Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman 
                         and his stupid glasses! Ha ha ha ha!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Just take them off!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't! They're stapled to my head! 
                          I hate you guys.
 
               [Inside. The boys enter and see the receptionist]

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. 
                         Can I help you?
 
                                     STAN
                         We wanna talk to Chef.

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Chef?

                                     KYLE
                         He's a big guy, with a beard.

                                     STAN
                         And a chef hat.

                                     KENNY
                         {And a real huge dick.}

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Oh! The black guy!

                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Third cubicle on the left  Hey! Aren't 
                         you that cute little kid from Jerry 
                         Maguire?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Uh, yeah, sure sure.

                                     RECEPTIONIST
                         Wow! You really got fat.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey!

               [The boys reach Chef's cubicle]

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     KIDS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Eric, you got glasses!

                                     STAN
                         Chef, you have to dump the bitch!

                                     CHEF
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         We need you, Chef.

                                     MAN
                          Hey, Chef-o, we're gonna run down to 
                         the office supply store and get some 
                         leather holders for our pagers, you 
                         wanna come?
 
                                     CHEF
                         You bet! 

                                     KYLE
                         Chef, this place isn't you!

                                     CHEF
                         Children, Veronica showed me that I've 
                         been living a very empty life. Meaningless 
                         sex is fun for twenty or thirty years, 
                         but after that, it starts to get old.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But we don't like her.

                                     CHEF
                         Why not??

                                     STAN
                         I don't know-uh. No reason I guess.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Children, friends get girlfriends all 
                         the time. It's something even you will 
                         have to face with each other some day.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No way, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Please, Chef! I don't know what to do 
                         about my stupid glasses.
 
                                     CHEF
                         That's easy! Get some laser corrective 
                         surgery. That's what I did.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! Laser corrective surgery! Thanks 
                         Chef!
 
                                     CHEF
                         You see? Everything's gonna be fine. 
                         Now how about I meet you boys after 
                         work and we can play ball?
 
                                     KIDS
                         Okay!

               [The bus stop. The boys wait for Chef. Cartman carries a bat 
               in his right hand and a baseball in his left]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Chef should be here any minute.

               [The day passes into night, and Kenny falls asleep. Rats gather 
               and nibble on him. The others stand watch waiting for Chef, but 
               there's no sign of him. The night turns to day, and still no 
               Chef. Kenny wakes up...]
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude! He bailed on us!

                                     KYLE
                          I can't believe it!

                                     STAN
                         Come on! We're going to his house! 
 
                         
               [Chef's house, inside. There's a knock on the door and Chef answers. 
               The boys stand outside, angry.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh! Uh, hello there, children.

                                     KYLE
                         All right, mister! You better have a 
                         good explanation for why you didn't 
                         show up to play ball!
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh, children, I'm sorry. I forgot.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          You forgot!

                                     CHEF
                         Veronica surprised me at the office 
                         and took me out to dinner.  She's so 
                         amazing.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, we've got something to tell you 
                         about Veronica, Chef!
 
                                     VERONICA
                          Hello, children!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ma'am, we're having a dude moment here, 
                         if you don't mind?
 
                                     CHEF
                         Children, I've got some great news for 
                         you. Veronica and I are getting married. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh no! No nononononono!

                                     CHEF
                         My whole family's coming here for the 
                         wedding, and I want you boys to come, 
                         too.
 
                                     VERONICA
                         This is so wonderful! Let's sing! 
 
                         
               There's got to be a morning after.

                                     CHEF
                          If we can hold on through the night.
 
                         
               [the boys are truly shocked] We have a chance to find the sunshine.
 
               
               [South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class]

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And that, children, is what you need 
                         to know about The Facts Of Life. So, 
                         let's review.  Tootie left in the fourth 
                         season, but Blair and Jo stayed on and 
                         got husbands, leaving the fifth and 
                         sixth seasons hideously stagnant.  Okay 
                         children, that's lunch. See you in thirty 
                         minutes. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sure.

                                     STAN
                         Normally we go to Chef with our problems, 
                         but wuh we can't this time.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Well children, I am your teacher. I 
                         think you'll find that my advice is 
                         just as valuable as Chef's, if not more 
                         so.
 
                                     KYLE
                         All right. Mr. Garrison, have you ever 
                         had a friend who got a new girlfriend, 
                         and then stopped being your friend, 
                         and it pissed you off?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, the old succubus syndrome.

                                     STAN
                         What's a succubus?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         A succubus is a woman sent from Hell 
                         to suck the life out of a man.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's it!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, there's not much you can do about 
                         a succubus. Their evil power makes man 
                         blind to love.
 
                                     KYLE
                         This is totally what's happening!

                                     STAN
                         Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill. 
                         Poontang's expensive. That's why when 
                         it comes to chicks, I just screw them 
                         and leave them. I'd say "get out of 
                         my bedroom, poontang, before you suck 
                         my life dry!"
 
                                     KYLE
                         Thanks, Mr. Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sure, kids. 

                                     MR. HAT
                         You're not fooling anyone!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!

               [South Park business district. The boys head back to Steinburg 
               and Burgstein]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Come on guys! We gotta go tell Chef 
                         he's in love with a succubus.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah! He's gonna be so thankful we told 
                         him. 
 
                                     LIANE
                         There you are, Eric! Come on, we have 
                         to go to the eye doctor.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, no!

                                     LIANE
                         Come on. Do you want your laser corrective 
                         surgery or not?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, but can't we wait until tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Now, hon.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But mo-om! I have to tell Chef that 
                         he's marrying a succubuuus!
 
               [Chef's house. People are milling around outside as Stan, Kyle, 
               and Kenny arrive. Stan rings the doorbell, and an elderly gray-haird 
               man answers]
 
                                     CHEF'S DAD
                         Hello there, children.

                                     STAN
                         Who are you?

                                     CHEF'S DAD
                         I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for 
                         the wedding.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk 
                         to him.
 
                                     CHEF'S DAD
                         Well, come on in. 

               [Once inside, Chef's dad closes the door]

                                     KYLE
                         There he is! 

               [The fitting room. Chef's dad shows them in, then leaves. A tailor 
               takes Chef's measurements for the pants as Vernoica walks by. 
               Chef is wearing the finished coat and shirt.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Chef, we have to talk to you!

                                     CHEF
                         Who? Not now, children! I gotta get 
                         fitted for my britches! Be right back. 
                         
 
               [The living room. The boys reach the sofa and hop up to sit on 
               it. Chef's parents sit across from them on the love seat. An 
               uneasy silence follows]
 
                                     CHEF'S DAD
                         Well, aren't you crackers just cute 
                         as the dickens?
 
                                     STAN
                         You're Chef's parents?

                                     CHEF'S MOM
                         Yes, all his life.

                                     KYLE
                         We have to talk to him!

                                     CHEF'S DAD
                         Well, he should be out now directly.
 
                         
                                     CHEF'S MOM
                         Oh, he's so excited about the wedding 
                         now.
 
                                     CHEF'S DAD
                         Say, would you crackers like to hear 
                         about the time we saw the Loch Ness 
                         monster?
 
                                     STAN
                         No, that's okay.

                                     CHEF'S DAD
                         Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight 
                         years ago. Me and the little lady was 
                         out on this boat, you see, all alone 
                         at night, when all of a sudden this 
                         huge creature, this giant crustacean 
                         from the paleolithic era, comes out 
                         of the water.
 
                                     CHEF'S MOM
                         We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I 
                         jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, 
                         what on earth is that creature?!"
 
                         
                                     THOMAS
                         It stood above us looking down with 
                         these big red eyes,-
 
                                     CHEF'S MOM
                         Oh, it was so scary!

                                     THOMAS
                         -and I yelled. I said, "What do you 
                         want from us, monster?!" And the monster 
                         bent down and said, "...Uh I need about 
                         tree-fitty." 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's tree-fitty?

                                     THOMAS
                         Three dollars and fifty cents.

                                     CHEF'S MOM
                         Tree-fitty.

                                     STAN
                         He wanted money?

                                     THOMAS
                         That's right. I said "I ain't giving 
                         you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness 
                         monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
 
                         
                                     CHEF'S MOM
                         I gave him a dollar.

                                     THOMAS
                         She gave him a dollar.

                                     CHEF'S MOM
                         I thought he'd go away if I gave him 
                         a dollar.
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Well of course he's not gonna go away, 
                         Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he's 
                         gonna assume you got more!
 
               [The optometrist's office. Cartman is on the examination chair 
               flanked by a nurse on each side. He is wearing a breathing mask. 
               Dr. Lott noves around him]
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         Okay, let's get started. You're here 
                         for the liposuction, right? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! You son of a bitch!

                                     DR. LOTT
                         All right. Time to laser me a little 
                         piggy. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick 
                         you square in the nuh-  I'm gonyanya, 
                         uhnyuh, uhnyuuh, nyaahh 
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         I bet his mom wishes she could do that.
 
                         
               [Chef's house. Thomas is still telling the story...]

                                     THOMAS
                         And that was the third time we saw the 
                         Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I 
                         believe it was July-
 
                                     NELLIE
                         August.

                                     THOMAS
                         -August. There's a knock on the door. 
                         I open it, and there's this cute little 
                         girl scout-
 
                                     NELLIE
                         And she was so adorable, with the little 
                         pig tails and all.
 
                                     THOMAS
                         -And she says to me, "How would you 
                         like to buy some cookies?" And I said 
                         "Well, what kind do you have?" She had 
                         thin mints, graham crunchy things-
 
                         
                                     NELLIE
                         Raisin oatmeal.

                                     THOMAS
                         -Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take 
                         a graham crunch. How much will that 
                         be?" And she looks at me and she says, 
                         "...Uh I need about tree-fitty."
 
                                     NELLIE
                         ...Tree-fitty.

                                     THOMAS
                         Well, it was about that time that I 
                         notice that girl scout was about eight 
                         stories tall and was a crustacean from 
                         the protozoic era.
 
                                     NELLIE
                         The Loch Ness monster.

                                     THOMAS
                         I said, "Dammit monster! Get off my 
                         lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!" 
                         It said, "how about just two-fitty?" 
                         I said, "Oh, now it's only two-fitty!! 
                         What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness 
                         munchies or something?!"
 
                                     NELLIE
                         Lord, he was angry.

                                     THOMAS
                         Damn right, I was angry!

                                     NELLIE
                         Not you, the monster. He was about to 
                         kick your ass.
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Aah, shut your mouth, woman!

                                     STAN
                         Uh, could you just tell Chef we were 
                         here?
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Sure. That crazy old monster  Now, then 
                         the fourth time I saw the...
 
               [Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed recovering from the laser 
               corrective surgery on his eyes. Patches cover his eyes and are 
               taped to his face. There's a knock on his door, and the boys 
               enter]
 
                                     STAN
                          Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That asshole eye doctor screwed up my 
                         laser surgery; I have to wear these 
                         bandages for three days!
 
                                     STAN
                         Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw! 
                         What happened with Chef? Did you tell 
                         him she's a succubus?
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, we couldn't even talk to him. 
                         She's so evil. She has him totally kept 
                         away from us.
 
                                     LIANE
                          Eric, you have a little visitor. Is 
                         that all right? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. 

                                     VERONICA
                         Hello, boys. I heard Eric had laser 
                         surgery, so I made him a pie.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaah! It's the succubus! 

                                     VERONICA
                         Huh?

                                     STAN
                         We know what you are, lady!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty succubus!
 
                         
                                     VERONICA
                         A what?

                                     STAN
                         A demon from Hell sent to suck the life 
                         out of men!
 
                                     VERONICA
                          Boys, you know how silly that sounds, 
                         don't you?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, you are taking Chef from us. 
 
                         
                                     VERONICA
                          Boys, come here. I want to explain 
                         this to you. I know Chef is your friend, 
                         but Chef is a grown man. He has needs 
                         you boys can't fulfill. He wants a life 
                         with me because I make him happy. Do 
                         you understand?
 
                                     STAN
                         I guess

                                     VERONICA
                         Good. Oh and boys. Just one more thing. 
                         I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow,  And 
                         there's not a God-damned thing you can 
                         do about it!  Toodle-oo! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Jesus dude! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? What happened?

               [King Jimmy's Buffet. A banner spans the front of the restaurant, 
               saying, "Clsoed for Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Party." Chef, his 
               family, Veronica, and other guests are present. Soft jazz plays 
               in the background.]
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Could I have your attention please? 
                          Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married 
                         to a beautiful lady.  I'm very happy 
                         for them both.  Ooh there I go! I told 
                         myself I wasn't gonna cry, now.
 
                                     CHEF
                         It's okay, pop.

                                     NELLIE
                         Thomas, you're gonna get me going now. 
                         
 
                                     THOMAS
                         Oh, I remember when Chef was just a 
                         three-year-old little man. He came running 
                         up to me with a big smile and his little 
                         chef's hat on, and he said, "Poppa, 
                         poppa!" I said "What do you need, Chef, 
                         my boy?", and he said, "...I need about 
                         tree-fitty."
 
                                     NELLIE
                         ...Tree-fitty.

                                     THOMAS
                         Well, it was about that time I got suspicious. 
                         I said, "Chef, why do you need tree-fitty?" 
                         He said, "My imaginary friend Goo-Goo 
                         the dinosaur wants it." I went to my 
                         son's room, and sure enough, there was 
                         the Loch Ness monster!
 
                                     NELLIE
                         Oh, it was scary!

                                     THOMAS
                         I said, "Dammit monster! You stop bugging 
                         my children now! We work for our money 
                         in this house and we don't give money 
                         away!"
 
               [the door opens, and the boys enter]

                                     STAN
                         Excuse me!  We're sorry to interrupt, 
                         but we've got bad news. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          This is not a woman! It is a succubus!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         What?!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! She's evil and wants to suck Chef's 
                         life out of him
 
                                     VERONICA
                          Children! That hurts my feelings.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Oh, you can pretend all you want! You're 
                         not fooling anybody!
 
                                     CHEF
                         All right guys! That's enough! I have 
                         had it with you! This is the happiest 
                         time of my life, and you can't be happy 
                         for me!
 
                                     STAN
                         Chef, but-

                                     CHEF
                         No buts, Stan!  I love this woman, and 
                         I am marrying her! Now you can either 
                         accept that, or get out of my life! 
                         Now if you'll excuse us, we're having 
                         a party. 
 
                                     THOMAS
                         So I chased the monster down the street, 
                         you see...
 
               [Outside, the boys walk away from the restaurant]

                                     KYLE
                         I guess there's nothing we can do. Chef 
                         likes her more than us.
 
                                     STAN
                         No! I'm not willing to give up! Chef 
                         wouldn't give up on us!
 
               [Cartman's room, morning. Cartman is in bed with patches over 
               his eyes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are reading books on demonology]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Oh man! There's tons of stuff on succubuses, 
                         but nothing on how to stop them.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, it's six in the morning, I 
                         have to get some sleep.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude! Chef's wedding is in three hours. 
                         We've got that much time to find out 
                         how to destroy a Succubus.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You know what?! Screw Chef! There, I 
                         said it! Screw him! Let him marry a 
                         succubus! I wanna go to sleep. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Here! Here! Look at this. It says "The 
                         succubus enchants its victim with an 
                         eerie melody. This is the Succubi power. 
                         Only playing this melody backwards can 
                         vanquish the succubus power."
 
                                     STAN
                         What the hell does that mean?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know.

                                     KENNY
                          (Hey, you guys! You guys, I think I 
                         know precisely what it's saying. It 
                         says that we've gotta go and find a 
                         pile of records and get the one that 
                         has the entire lyrics, and then we gotta 
                         get into learning to rearrange them.)
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Right.

                                     KENNY
                         (And then we gotta go down and get a 
                         piece of paper and write down each one 
                         of the words we sang on the tape deck. 
                         And then, sing it back again!)
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah?

                                     KENNY
                         (That's what that means!)

                                     STAN
                         Oh-hoho!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey yeah! What's that song she always 
                         sings? There's got to be a morning after.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          If we can hold on to the night.

               We've got to find our way together...

                                     STAN
                         That's it! We gotta learn that song 
                         backwards.
 
                                     KYLE
                          In three hours.

               [First Church of South Park. A banner above the lower cross reads 
               "Congratulations Chef and Veronica." People are streaming in 
               for the wedding]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ah man! I can't keep my eyes open. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail 
                         that song.  You got the tape recorder, 
                         Cartman? Cartman?? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's asleep. Wake up fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                          What what what?

                                     STAN
                         God-damnit! You can't fall asleep.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking 
                         really hard!
 
                                     THOMAS
                          ...And then these aliens had me up on 
                         their ship, right? They was probing 
                         me and all that.
 
                                     NELLIE
                         We had taco salad that night.

                                     THOMAS
                         Don't matter what we had for dinner 
                         woman! Now this alien had a big head 
                         and big black eyes, and it was all bent 
                         over me. I said, "What do you want from 
                         me, alien?!" and do you know what he 
                         said?
 
                                     NELLIE
                         Tree-fitty.

                                     THOMAS
                         Uh. Let me tell the damn story now! 
                         He said, "tree-fitty." And so I realized 
                         I that it wasn't no alien, it was that 
                         God-damned Loch Ness monster again, 
                         trying to trick me into giving him tree-fitty 
                         by dressing up like an alien. Don't 
                         that just beat all?!
 
                                     NELLIE
                         I had just given him tree-fitty the 
                         week before.
 
                                     THOMAS
                         What?! You gave that monster another 
                         damn tree-fitty?!
 
                                     NELLIE
                          He tricked me.

                                     THOMAS
                         Well no wonder the damn monster keeps 
                         coming back to our house! You keep giving 
                         it tree-fitty!
 
               [The ceremony begins. An usher goes up to a turntable and sets 
               the needle down on a racord. Veronica enters in a traditional 
               wedding gown]
 
                                     STAN
                         There she is! 

                                     STAN
                          Bitch. Bitch.

                                     KYLE
                          Bitch.

                                     STAN
                         Bitch.

                                     KYLE
                         Dirty bitch.

                                     STAN
                          All right. Kyle and I are gonna take 
                         our positions up front.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. 

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         Do you, Chef, take this woman as your 
                         lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Iii do!

                                     NELLIE
                         Aaah, my baby's getting married!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be 
                         your daddy?
 
                                     VERONICA
                         I do!

                                     PRIEST MAXI
                         And now a special sharing of vows through 
                         song.
 
                                     STAN
                          Here it goes

                                     VERONICA
                         There's got to be a morning after. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Now, Cartman! 

                                     KYLE
                         Now, Cartman!! 

                                     CHEF
                          Children! You are screwing up my wedding! 
                         
 
                                     VERONICA
                         I'll take care of them! 

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman!! Wake up you fat piece of crap!! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ow! 

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         

               light the for looking on keep Let's

               sunshine...

                                     VERONICA
                          Aaargh!

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         the find to chance a have We

               night-

                                     VERONICA
                         Noooo! 

                                     CHEF
                          What the-?!

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         -the to on- 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh no! The tape jammed! 

               
                                     MAN
                         Oh my God!

                                     WOMEN
                         Oh my God!

                                     CHEF
                         What the-?! 

                                     THOMAS
                         She's a goddam Succubus!

                                     NELLIE
                         Succubus trying to take my baby! 

               [Outside, The doors open and people pour out]

               [Inside, Stan and Kyle try to get Cartman's attention again]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Come on Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I can't see anything!

                                     KENNY
                          (Wait...) 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! She killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastard!

                                     NELLIE
                          You damn monster! Get away from my 
                         baby!
 
                                     THOMAS
                          Hold on, now, I'll see if I have tree-fitty!
 
                         
                                     NELLIE
                          Oh my-

                                     CARTMAN
                          Got it! 

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         -the to on hold can we if after 

               morning a be to got There's

               
               Warm and safe that's... [the ground opens up, flames appear, and 
               the succubus drops down into the hole. The flames leave with 
               her. Chef walks up to the hold and looks over it]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hoh, wow! You don't see that every 
                         day!
 
                                     STAN
                          We're sorry Chef, we had to do it!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                          No I'm, I'm glad you did, children. 
                         Now that she's gone, I can't really 
                         figure out what I ever saw in her.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Poontang's poontang.

                                     CHEF
                         Come on, children. Let's go get some 
                         ice cream.
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hooray! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? What happened you guys? Is Kenny 
                         okay?
 
               [The cafeteria kitchen. Chef is back at the counter as the boys 
               enter.]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children!

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hey, Chef!

                                     CHEF
                         How would you like some fish sticks 
                         and tater tots?
 
                                     STAN
                          We'd love them!

                                     KYLE
                         It's great to have you back Chef!

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah, well, I learned a very important 
                         lesson this week:
 
               
               [begins to sing]

               Sometimes you fall in love and you think it feels that way forever.
 
               
               You change your life and didn't know your friends cause you think 
               it can't get any better.
 
               But then love goes away; no matter what, it doesn't stay as strong.
 
               
               And then you're left with nothing, cause your tinking with your 
               dong.
 
               
               So watch out for that love bug! It can destroy like a typhoon 
               wind!
 
               Just play it cool and don't be a fool...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          And never let poontang come between 
                         you and your friend.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Daaamn right, Garrison! 

               [The optometrist's office. Cartman walks in with a large ice 
               box. His bandages are off. Now we know why he wasn't at school 
               with Stan and Kyle.]
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes 
                         doing?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         After today they're gonna be fine, and 
                         I'll never have to see you ever again!
 
                         
                                     DR. LOTT
                         I don't think that's possible, piggy, 
                         not with your eyes.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, not with my eyes. With these!  Ha 
                         ha ha ha ha ha!
 
                                     DR. LOTT
                         Was he an organ donor?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh-sure.

                                     DR. LOTT
                         All right, then let's get to work.  
                         Say, you don't have three dollars and 
                         fifty cents on you, do you?
 
               
               light the for looking on keep Let's

               sunshine the find to chance a have We

               night the to on hold can we If

               after morning a be to got There's

               
               Warm and safe that's...

The Succubus



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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