"THE SUPER BEST FRIENDS"
[South Park, day. People mill around, but a group of them has
gathered around a magician, tall and slender, with a severe face]
Okay, Carol, put the card you picked
back into the deck so I can't see ittwah.
What's going on?
Uh this feller David Blaine. He's doin'
magic tricks. Hey, where'd you get that
Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd.
Was that the card you picked?
No, I'm sorry. I picked the four of
Four of hearts? Really? Look again.
That's pretty cool, dude!
Who's this asshole?
He's a magician named David Blaine,
dude. He kicks ass.
Hey, where'd you guys get that ice cream?
Sir, c- could you come over here? Now,
what I want you to do, Mr...
Mr. Kern, I want you to just... think
about a card. Pick any card, and picture
it in your mind.
Okay, jus... s think about your card.
okay, look at me. Look at me... Look
at me... okay, now reach up your ass.
Go on, reach up your ass.
Uh, I don't feel nothin'.
Hhud. I don't feel... hello... wait...
Was that the card you picked?
Yes! Oh my God!
Wow, that's cool!
How'd he do that??
Thank you. I've been traveling from
town to town for quite a while. I've
started quite a following, mostly because
of my levitation tricktwah. Watch.
Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in
Pamphlet. Pamphlet. Here you go, kids,
take a pamphlet.
"David Blaine Workshop. Learn all about
David Blaine at the Center for Magic."
Dude, we gotta go.
Yeah, and they probably teach you how
to do magic tricks!
[The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day.]
Hello, everyone. My name is Steven and
I've been a Blainetologist for about
three years. So, when David Blaine performed
his miracles out on the street, what
moved you the most?
Oh yes, you see, David Blaine is much
more than a magician. He's a scholar,
a visionary, a leader.
When are we gonna learn magic tricks?
Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn:
I can show you how to make your true
self appear. Let me ask you all something:
Do you consider yourselves to be happy?
I don't think I'm very happy. I always
fall asleep to the sounds of my own
...Right, yeh. Eh, see, the reason that
you are unha-
And then I always get woken up in the
morning by the sounds of my own screams.
Do you think I'm unhappy?
Wait, the.. the point is... that you
can be happy. You see, your friends
and parents have programmed you in a
way that makes you feel isolated and
alone. How many times have you felt
like nobody knows the real... you?
You're not really happy.
I'm not really happy.
Your potential hasn't even been reached.
My potential hasn't even been reached.
If you look through David Blaine's
incredible book, you'll find a lot of
life's answers. Let's read some of the
book together, shall we?
Then we get to be in David Blaine's
[Kyle's house, day. In the dining room, Sheila is trying to feed
Ike, who is in a baby chair.]
Ike, eat your gefilte fish.
Mom. Mom. I found out all about this
great new magician named David Blaine:
That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat!
We spent all afternoon learning about
how we aren't actually happy. I had
no idea how unhappy I was until today.
They gave me this cool book to read,
and I'm already on chapter four..
Well, it's nice to see you so interested
in something, Kyle. Ike, for the love
of Abraham, you are gonna eat this.
So can I go to the Magic Camp, to learn
how to become a full member? All the
other guys are doin' it, and it's only
Magic Camp? I don't know, bubbe, ask
your father. Ike, you will eat this!
[The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day. The
new recruits are having their hair shaved off their heads]
Prepare to be cleansed and release the
magic inside you.
I am prepared. Hoh, jeez, eh it sure
got cold in here.
[The David Blaine Complex, main room]
Congratulations, young Blainetologists.
From this day, you are clean. Now,
we have very important work to do! David
Blaine is going to put on a big magic
show in Denver tonorrow night, where
he's going to eat his own head.
So it's up to all you new Blainetologists
to get as many people there as you can.
Whoever gets the most people to come
gets a prize!
Kyle, I'm starting to think that this
is a really bad idea.
Ha-I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought
you were Kyle.
No, I'm Stan.
You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Who are you?
Heheh, guess who I am, guys?
Kyle, I think we may have gotten into
something bad here.
What do you mean? We're learning all
kinds of cool stuff.
Look at us, dude. These people are trying
to change us somehow. I think it's time
we went home.
But David Blaine is gonna do more miracles
in Denver tomorrow..
I don't care! I'm leaving! 'Scuse me.
Where are you going?
I'm going home.
You don't want to go home.
You said we're free to leave whenever
Move out of the way.
I'm not in the way. You are. Are you
unhappy with the Church's teachings?
Let's just talk about it
I don't wanna talk about it, I jus'
Why don't we go into the back room for
a second, and talk? Then you can leave.
That's okay, I... I changed my mind.
I'm... gonna stay.
That's great news.
[The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Stan peers out from a
door into a hall.]
Okay, it's all clear.
What are we doing?
We're getting out of here. This whole
thing has gotten way out of hand.
Whoa whoa, I'm not going anywhere.
Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!
It's not stupid, Stan. For once in my
life I feel like I'm part of something.
A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's
crazy life plan?!
Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's
a brlliant man
No, they just convinced you that he's
a brilliant man! Let's go!
I'm not going anywhere!
Goddamnit, I'm not going with you! I
wanna stay here!
Huh? I thought you wanted to leave!
Oh wait, who am I again?
Oh- oh yeah. God- Goddamnnit, hold on
a second. Okay. Now look, dude, I'm
getting out of here, and you're a dumbass
if you don't come back with me!
Then I guess... I'm a dumbass.
Kyle, please.You- You're my best friend.
Well, this is what I believe in now,
Stan. And if you can't respectr that,...
then I guess we're not best friends
[South Park, next day. Cartman and Kyle walk down a sidewalk
visiting houses. They approach a pink house.]
Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this
is Cartman. We'd like to share our interest
in David Blaine with you.
Uh oh. My husband warned me about you
Blainiacs. I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.
Uh it... doesn't matter, ma'am. Blainetology
is for everyone. There are Blainetologists
who are Catholics, Buddhists - why even
Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew.
So you're not a cult?
Of course, no. David Blaine is a real
person. You may have seen his television
specials on ABC. He also wrote a book,
and we'd like to share it with you.
Well, alright, come on in.
[Elderly woman's house, living room, moments later. The woman
and the two boys sit on the sofa. Kyle has his book open.]
...And if you look here, you can see
how David Blaine performed the miracle
of being frozen in ice at Times Square.
Ma'am, have you ever wondered what David
Blaine's plan is for you?
No, not really.
Oh, you see, that, that's inteesting
because... I'm so thankful for David
Blaine's book, and, I'm so thankful
that he showed me the way to true happiness
but, I think about his plan often.
David Blaine is doing a big performance
in Denver tomorrow night. We're sure
his magic will entertain and astound
He's going to eat his own head.
How many tickets can we put you down
Oh, I can't go.
Oh, come on, it'll make you a happy
I am happy.
No you're not.
Yes I am.
No you're not.
I really am.
No you're not.
But I am.
No you're not.
Alright, two tickets
[Sidewalk. Kyle and Cartman exit the elderly woman's house]
That's 15 people we got to agree to
come see David Blaine perform in Denver.
Yes, Brother Kyle hmm, but our work
is not over. We must still recruit ten
more audience members in order to get
I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood,
we might find a-
Come, Brother Kyle, we have no time
You'd better watch yourself next time,
[Jesus' house, next day. Stan walks up and rings the doorbell]
Hi, Jesus. It's me,
Of course. I know you, my child. Come
[Jesus' house, living room. A pitcher of water sits on the coffee
This guy is going around doing magic
tricks and saying they're miracles!
My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome!
You're good to bring this to my attention,
Stan. Cults are a very dangerous thing.
I read in the Bible that you did miracles,
too. If you could go in front of these
people and do your miracles, then, they'll
all see that David Blaine isn't so special.
The miracle I'm most famous for is turning
water into wine.
Can you do it agian?
Very well. I shall perform the miracle.
Behold. Here you can see ordinary water,
clear, clean. Okay now, turn around.
Er, nuh, tur- turn around. Uh, okay
now, turn back. It is now wine!
That's it? That's how you did that trick?
Wuh well, yeah.
That trick sucks, Jesus.
Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little
better on people 2000 years ago.
Dude, we have to do something. This
guy is performing more miracles in Denver
tonight. He's gonna get more followers,
and it'll be impossible for me to get
Then let's go.
But dude, I'd I don't think you should
do that lame water-to-wine trick.
Oh,don't worry I have a few more miracles
up my sleeve.
[Denver, night. An arena is shown, and the place is packed. Kyle
and Cartman are seated in the third row, with around Blainetologists
This is a really good turnout.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, David
Hello, my children.
Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence,
please, as magician David Blaine will
now eat... his... own... head.
Dude, no way!
Thank you, everyone. Our organization
grows larger every day. Soon, the government
will even have to give us tax-exempt
status as a bona fide religion.
What's he doin' here?
My children, it is time for you to go
home and stop following this false prophet.
You should be using your money and time
for other things. These are simple magic
tricks. His magic is interesting, but
will it put food on your table? Feeding
the hungry - now that is a miracle!
Behold! I havd here fives loaves of
bread and three fish. Certainly not
enough to feed this entire crowd, but
now - turn around Ya need tuh- turn
around. Okay, now turn back.
Now how the hell did he do that?
Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus!
twah. Just like you are.
Oh, really. Then what's this Ace of
Spades doing behind your ear?
The old religions have failed you! twah.
What have they offered except for war,
poverty, and sadness? Blainetology offers
you the key to living your life to the
fullest! Will you join us?
[The arena, outside. Jesus and Stan exit the arena]
His magic is too powerful, Stanley.
I've never seen anything like it.
Then what are we going to do.
I cannot face him alone. We must get
the help of all the super best friends.
Buddha. Buddha, come in!
Super best friends?
This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead.
[A futuristic headquarters, somewhere... Jesus appears on a giant
screen as Buddha awaits Jesus' answer]
Buddha, we may have a problem. I've
just encountered a magic I've never
I'll call everyone together. Come as
fast as you can.
Come, Stanley. We must travel far and
Distances unfathomable to man. Yea,
take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do
not open your eyes.
I am ready.
[Insde an airplane. Jesus and Stan have center seats, and Stan's
eyes are still shut]
Are you still keeping your eyes clsoed?
Good. Want some peanuts?
[The David Blaine Complex, night. Blainetologists gather in the
main room, and a new member is having his hair shaved off]
Congratulations, sister. You have heard
the noble truth and are now a Blainetologist.
Everyone! Everyone, gather 'round!
I have great news for all Blainetologists,
and for our new members as well. We've
just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself:
The government has denied our church's
request for tax-exempt status!
But... we want tax-exempt status.
Yeah. Why is that good news?
Be-cause! Mr. Blaine has arranged for
all Blainetologists members from every
city and state to march into Washington
and demand our right for tax-exepmt
status by committing a mass suicide!
Mr. Blaine has said that by killing
ourselves in Washington, we are guaranteed
everylasting happiness in the afterlife!
Hehehe, that sounds good.
Get your thngs ready. We leave for Washington
Did you hear that, guys? We're finally
[A blue sky in a big city. The camera pans down to show Jesus
and Stan in a park-like setting]
Alright, Stanley. You can open your
eyes now. This is the hall of the super
best friends, Stanley, the headquarters
for those who stand for what's right.
Jesus, we've been working hard since
we got your distress call!
Who the kid?
Stanley, I want you to meet some of
the super best friends : Buddha, with
the powers of invisibility; Mohammed,
the Muslim prophet with the powers of
flame ; Krishna, the Hindu deity; Jospeh
Smith, the Mormom prophet; Lao Tse,
the found of Taoism ; and Sea-Man, with
the ability to breathe underwater and
link mentally with fish.
So you mean to tell me that even though
people fight and argue over different
religions, you guys are all actually
More than friends, young boy, we are
super best friends, with the desire
to fight for justice.
We all believe in the power of good
over evil. Except for Buddha, of course,
who doesn't believe in evil.
Jesus, come look at this. After your
distress call, we entered David Blaine
in the super best friends' computer.
Many interesting things showed up.
He was raised in New York city by a
decent family, but a freak washing-machine
accident at the age of 12 made him learn
the ways of the black arts.
That's right, Seaman.
Uh that's what I said. Sea Man.
[The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Kyle walks up to Cartman's
Cartman! Cartman, wake up! Cartman!
No, Paula Poundstone! Leave me alone!
It's jsut me.
Brother Kyle? Why do you disturb my
Dude. I don't think I wanna be a part
of this anymore.
I think Stan might've been right. Anyway,
I think it's going too far. I mean,
if I kill myself, it's gonna make my
family really sad.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't
wanna die either. I haven't even gotten
my pubes yet.
I thnk we should bail. If we leave the
group, maybe other people will get the
courage to leave, too.
That co- ugh. That could be difficult,
Brother Kyle. But alright, listen: Why
don't we sleep on it? If we decide to
leave the faction, we can... do it in
Okay. Okay, you're right. Oh uh Cartman:
thanks. Cartman? What the hell?
[The David Blaine Complex, main room. The Blainetologists and
Cartman look on.]
I told on yoo-ou. I told on yoo-ou.
What have you done, Cartman?!
This is for your own good, Brother Kyle.
You must understand, brother Kyle, twah,
you know too much about the Church.
If you left now, you'd become a danger
to our cause.
Ah, and you know what else Kyle said?
Um Kyyyle, he said that if we were all
gonna commit suicide, that he wouldn't
Cartman, you fatass tattle-tale!
At least I'm not the boy in the plastic
The suicide pact will go as planned.
If we die, we all die together.
[the Hall of the Super Best Friends, day.]
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best
Look at that, Jesus. His followers are
growing at a rate even faster than mine!
It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous
as you and your young friend had feared.
I knew it.
Here. I have a videotape of his performance
the other night.
Perhaps we should have Moses look at
the tape and see what he comes up with.
Moses, scan this tape. Can you tell
us the source of Blaine's power?
Give me the information.
Wow, the Moses.
His magic is a combination of centrifugal
line and sleight of hand. Wait a minute:
I'm picking up movement from Blainetologists
from all over the country.
The Blainetologists are heading to Washington.
Wait a minute. At his performance David
Blaine said something about trying to
get tax-exempt status.
If he gets tax-exempt status, then he'll
become a real religion.
He would become unstoppable
[Washington D.C., day. The Blainetologists have gathered around
the Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial]
Meanwhile, in the nation's capital,
Blainetologists from all over the country
have gathered to commit mass suicide!
If the government will not give us
tax-exempt status, then we must prove
that we are willing to die for our beliefs,
Alright, brothers and sisters, gather
around. It's time to drown ourselves
in the Reflecting Pool! However, the-ah
Reflecting Pool is a little more shallow
than we originally thought, so to drown
ourselves, you will need to lie on your
stomach, face down, until you die, as
[The White House, day. The White House staff gathers at one of
the windows to watch. Shown are Princess, Luara and George W.
Bush, Karl Rove, and Maggie]
Meanwhile, at the White House...
Mr. President, we can't let them all
Well we can't give them tax-exempt status,
He-e-ey George! What's gon' on?
[Washington D.C., day. Cartman gets ready to flood Kyle, who's
still in the glass dome, with a fire hose. More corpses float
in the Reflecting Pool]
Alright, Brother Kyle, it is time for
us to die!
Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't
you see? We don't have to do this!
But it's the only way for us to be
[The Reflecting Pool, later]
Give us what we want or we will continue
Not so fast, David Blaine!
Jesus! Not again.
Yes! But this time, I've brought some
help! Super Best Friends!
The mass suicide is over, Blaine! And
so are you!
I don't think so. Get them!
My ice breath should take care of you.
Kyle?? Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle? Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
That takes care of them.
Now it's your turn, Blaine!
Perhaps you need to see some real magic.
Oh this looks like trouble.
So long, Super Best Fools!
Kyle, you can't kill yourself!
I don't want to kill myself. They rigged
this thing to fill with water!
We've gotta stop that oversized Abraham
Lincoln! Mohammed! Great Scott!
Bliegh! Yugh. Uh, okay, try agian.
[Shot of Washington D.C. from the Vietnam Memorial. Lincoln is
taking buildings off their foundations and tossing them aside.
Krishna, in the form of an eagle, flies over the scene. Flames
It is too powerful, Jesus!
It seems to have no weakness!
There has to be a way to destroy it.
Jesus to Moses!
[The Hall of Super Best Friends, day, at that moment]
Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends
Come in, Moses!
We need to know how to kill a giant
stone Abraham Lincoln.
...Um... Let me think, um... a giant
stone John Wilkes Booth?
You heard him, Super Best Friends!
We've got to make a giant stone John
Krishna, we're going to need wood for
Form of... a beaver!
I will find sources to concrete. You,
get the water to mix it with, Seaman.
Using the wood that Krishna cut down
as a beaver, Jesus uses his master carpentry
skills to make a giant mold.
That should do the trick. Now for some
Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, Seaman
seeks out water to mix with the concrete.
Sea-Man! Look, Swallow, we should be
able to divert the water with that pipe.
And so, Seaman and Swallow get to...
get to work
[The Reflecting Pool, later. Water fills the bubble Kyle is in,
and he struggles to breathe]
Kyle, you have to hold yoru breath!
Oh, very funny!
Lao Tse, bring it to life.
Using his power of Taoism, Lao Tse becomes
one with the giant stone John Wilkes
It worked. Now freeze over the pool
so no one else can drown themselves!
Hey, I was just about to do it.
[The Reflecting Pool, later. The crowd of Blainetologists is
still there, and the water has melted]
Later, at the exact same location...
Damn you, Super Best Friends!
Your magic is no match for our powers
Then I guess you win this time, Super
Best Fools! But I'll be back!
It's alright. Everything is as it should
Oh, shut up, Buddha!
Our leader, he... he's leaving us!
Don't leave us, David Blaine!
Listen up, everyone! You don't need
David Blaine to tell you how to live.
See, cults are dangerous because they
promise you hope, happiness and, maybe
even an afterlife. But in return, they
demand you pay money. Any religion that
requires you to pay money in order to
move up and... learn its tenets is wrong.
See, all religions have something valuable
to teach, but, just like the Super Best
Friends learned, it requires a little
bit of them all.
He's right. He... he's right!
Thanks for savign us Stan. You're my
Super Best Friend.
Your my Super Best Friend too, Kyle.
Oh, that's so sweet you guys. You wanna
go get a room so you can make out for
a while? Heheheheheh
Ah! Ow, stop it! Ah!
Well, it looks like everything worked
And so, Jesus and his companios leave
Washington. But their return is assured,
for there will always be a need for...
the Super Best Friends!
The Super Best Friends
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy