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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 503


                               "THE SUPER BEST FRIENDS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, day. People mill around, but a group of them has 
               gathered around a magician, tall and slender, with a severe face]
 
               
                                     MAGICIAN
                         Okay, Carol, put the card you picked 
                         back into the deck so I can't see ittwah. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         What's going on? 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh this feller David Blaine. He's doin' 
                         magic tricks. Hey, where'd you get that 
                         ice cream?
 
                                     BLAINE
                         Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd. 
                          Was that the card you picked?
 
                                     CAROL
                         No, I'm sorry. I picked the four of 
                         hearts.
 
                                     BLAINE
                         Four of hearts? Really? Look again.
 
                         
                                     CAROL
                          Daa-ah!

                                     CROWD
                         Oooohhhh! 

                                     WOMAN
                         Whoa

                                     KYLE
                         That's pretty cool, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Who's this asshole?

                                     KYLE
                         He's a magician named David Blaine, 
                         dude. He kicks ass.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, where'd you guys get that ice cream?
 
                         
                                     BLAINE
                         Sir, c- could you come over here?  Now, 
                         what I want you to do, Mr...
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Kern.

                                     BLAINE
                         Mr. Kern, I want you to just... think 
                         about a card. Pick any card, and picture 
                         it in your mind.
 
                                     JIMBO
                          O-kay.

                                     BLAINE
                         Okay, jus... s think about your card. 
                          okay, look at me.  Look at me... Look 
                         at me... okay, now reach up your ass.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Huh??

                                     BLAINE
                         Go on, reach up your ass.

                                     JIMBO
                          Uh, I don't feel nothin'.

                                     BLAINE
                         Deeper.

                                     JIMBO
                          Hhud. I don't feel... hello... wait... 
                         wait... 
 
                                     BLAINE
                         Was that the card you picked?

                                     JIMBO
                          Yes! Oh my God!

                                     MAN
                         O-hoho! 

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, that's cool!

                                     STAN
                         How'd he do that??

                                     BLAINE
                         Thank you. I've been traveling from 
                         town to town for quite a while. I've 
                         started quite a following, mostly because 
                         of my levitation tricktwah. Watch.  
                         Watch. 
 
                                     CROWD
                         Whoa!!!

                                     STAN
                         No way!

                                     KYLE
                         Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in 
                         the universe!
 
                                     BLAINETOLOGIST
                          Pamphlet. Pamphlet. Here you go, kids, 
                         take a pamphlet. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         "David Blaine Workshop. Learn all about 
                         David Blaine at the Center for Magic." 
                         Dude, we gotta go.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and they probably teach you how 
                         to do magic tricks!
 
               [The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day.]

                                     SPEAKER
                         Hello, everyone. My name is Steven and 
                         I've been a Blainetologist for about 
                         three years. So, when David Blaine performed 
                         his miracles out on the street, what 
                         moved you the most?
 
                                     STAN
                         His a-miracles?

                                     STEVEN
                         Oh yes, you see, David Blaine is much 
                         more than a magician. He's a scholar, 
                         a visionary, a leader.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         When are we gonna learn magic tricks?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     STEVEN
                         Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn: 
                         I can show you how to make your true 
                         self appear. Let me ask you all something: 
                         Do you consider yourselves to be happy?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         I don't think I'm very happy. I always 
                         fall asleep to the sounds of my own 
                         screams.
 
                                     STEVEN
                         ...Right, yeh. Eh, see, the reason that 
                         you are unha-
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         And then I always get woken up in the 
                         morning by the sounds of my own screams. 
                         Do you think I'm unhappy?
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Wait, the.. the point is... that you 
                         can be happy. You see, your friends 
                         and parents have programmed you in a 
                         way that makes you feel isolated and 
                         alone. How many times have you felt 
                         like nobody knows the real... you?  
                         You're not really happy.
 
                                     KYLE
                          I'm not really happy.

                                     STEVEN
                         Your potential hasn't even been reached.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          My potential hasn't even been reached.
 
                         
                                     STEVEN
                          If you look through David Blaine's 
                         incredible book, you'll find a lot of 
                         life's answers. Let's read some of the 
                         book together, shall we?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Then we get to be in David Blaine's 
                         secret club?
 
                                     STEVEN
                         That's right.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Cool.

               [Kyle's house, day. In the dining room, Sheila is trying to feed 
               Ike, who is in a baby chair.]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Ike, eat your gefilte fish. 

                                     IKE
                         No-oo.

                                     KYLE
                          Mom. Mom. I found out all about this 
                         great new magician named David Blaine:
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat!

                                     KYLE
                         We spent all afternoon learning about 
                         how we aren't actually happy. I had 
                         no idea how unhappy I was until today. 
                         They gave me this cool book to read, 
                         and I'm already on chapter four..
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Well, it's nice to see you so interested 
                         in something, Kyle. Ike, for the love 
                         of Abraham, you are gonna eat this.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         So can I go to the Magic Camp, to learn 
                         how to become a full member? All the 
                         other guys are doin' it, and it's only 
                         $69.95.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Magic Camp? I don't know, bubbe, ask 
                         your father.  Ike, you will eat this!
 
                         
               [The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day. The 
               new recruits are having their hair shaved off their heads]
 
               
                                     BARBER
                         Prepare to be cleansed and release the 
                         magic inside you.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          I am prepared.  Hoh, jeez, eh it sure 
                         got cold in here.
 
                                     BARBER
                         Next? 

               [The David Blaine Complex, main room]

                                     STEVEN
                         Congratulations, young Blainetologists. 
                         From this day, you are clean.  Now, 
                         we have very important work to do! David 
                         Blaine is going to put on a big magic 
                         show in Denver tonorrow night, where 
                         he's going to eat his own head.
 
                                     RECRUITS
                         Wow!

                                     STEVEN
                         So it's up to all you new Blainetologists 
                         to get as many people there as you can. 
                         Whoever gets the most people to come 
                         gets a prize! 
 
                                     STAN
                          Kyle, I'm starting to think that this 
                         is a really bad idea.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Ha-I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought 
                         you were Kyle.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, I'm Stan.

                                     KYLE
                          You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

                                     STAN
                         Who are you?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm Kyle.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Heheh, guess who I am, guys?

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, I think we may have gotten into 
                         something bad here.
 
                                     KYLE
                          What do you mean? We're learning all 
                         kinds of cool stuff.
 
                                     STAN
                         Look at us, dude. These people are trying 
                         to change us somehow. I think it's time 
                         we went home.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But David Blaine is gonna do more miracles 
                         in Denver tomorrow..
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't care! I'm leaving!  'Scuse me. 
                         
 
                                     AIDE
                         Where are you going?

                                     STAN
                         I'm going home.

                                     AIDE
                         You don't want to go home.

                                     STAN
                         You said we're free to leave whenever 
                         we want
 
                                     AIDE
                         You are.

                                     STAN
                         Move out of the way.

                                     AIDE
                         I'm not in the way. You are. Are you 
                         unhappy with the Church's teachings? 
                         Let's just talk about it
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't wanna talk about it, I jus' 
                         wanna leave.
 
                                     AIDE
                         Why don't we go into the back room for 
                         a second, and talk? Then you can leave.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          That's okay, I... I changed my mind. 
                         I'm... gonna stay.
 
                                     AIDE
                         That's great news. 

               [The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Stan peers out from a 
               door into a hall.]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, it's all clear. 

                                     KYLE
                         What are we doing?

                                     STAN
                         We're getting out of here. This whole 
                         thing has gotten way out of hand.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa whoa, I'm not going anywhere.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!

                                     KYLE
                         It's not stupid, Stan. For once in my 
                         life I feel like I'm part of something.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's 
                         crazy life plan?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's 
                         a brlliant man
 
                                     STAN
                         No, they just convinced you that he's 
                         a brilliant man! Let's go!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm not going anywhere!

                                     STAN
                         Goddamnit, I'm not going with you! I 
                         wanna stay here!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh? I thought you wanted to leave!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh wait, who am I again?

                                     KYLE
                         You're Stan.

                                     STAN
                         Oh- oh yeah. God- Goddamnnit, hold on 
                         a second.  Okay. Now look, dude, I'm 
                         getting out of here, and you're a dumbass 
                         if you don't come back with me!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Then I guess... I'm a dumbass. 

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, please.You-  You're my best friend.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well, this is what I believe in now, 
                         Stan. And if you can't respectr that,... 
                         then I guess we're not best friends 
                         anymore. 
 
               [South Park, next day. Cartman and Kyle walk down a sidewalk 
               visiting houses. They approach a pink house.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this 
                         is Cartman. We'd like to share our interest 
                         in David Blaine with you.
 
                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         Uh oh. My husband warned me about you 
                         Blainiacs. I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh it... doesn't matter, ma'am. Blainetology 
                         is for everyone. There are Blainetologists 
                         who are Catholics, Buddhists - why even 
                         Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's right.

                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         So you're not a cult?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Of course, no. David Blaine is a real 
                         person. You may have seen his television 
                         specials on ABC. He also wrote a book, 
                         and we'd like to share it with you.
 
                         
                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         Well, alright, come on in.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Cool. 

               [Elderly woman's house, living room, moments later. The woman 
               and the two boys sit on the sofa. Kyle has his book open.]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         ...And if you look here, you can see 
                         how David Blaine performed the miracle 
                         of being frozen in ice at Times Square.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ma'am, have you ever wondered what David 
                         Blaine's plan is for you?
 
                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         No, not really.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, you see, that, that's inteesting 
                         because... I'm so thankful for David 
                         Blaine's book, and, I'm so thankful 
                         that he showed me the way to true happiness 
                         but, I think about his plan often.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         David Blaine is doing a big performance 
                         in Denver tomorrow night.  We're sure 
                         his magic will entertain and astound 
                         you!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He's going to eat his own head.

                                     KYLE
                         How many tickets can we put you down 
                         for?
 
                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         Oh, I can't go.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, come on, it'll make you a happy 
                         person.
 
                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         I am happy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you're not.

                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         Yes I am.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you're not.

                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         I really am.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you're not.

                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         But I am.

                                     CARTMAN
                         No you're not.

                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                         Alright, two tickets

                                     KYLE
                         Great!

               [Sidewalk. Kyle and Cartman exit the elderly woman's house]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         That's 15 people we got to agree to 
                         come see David Blaine perform in Denver.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, Brother Kyle hmm, but our work 
                         is not over. We must still recruit ten 
                         more audience members in order to get 
                         the prize.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood, 
                         we might find a- 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Come, Brother Kyle, we have no time 
                         for him. 
 
                                     STAN
                         HaaAAAA! 

                                     DRIVER
                         You'd better watch yourself next time, 
                         abandoner! 
 
               [Jesus' house, next day. Stan walks up and rings the doorbell]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Hi, Jesus. It's me,

                                     STAN, JESUS
                         Stan Marsh.

                                     JESUS
                         Of course. I know you, my child. Come 
                         in.
 
               [Jesus' house, living room. A pitcher of water sits on the coffee 
               table]
 
                                     STAN
                         This guy is going around doing magic 
                         tricks and saying they're miracles! 
                         My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome!
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         You're good to bring this to my attention, 
                         Stan. Cults are a very dangerous thing.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I read in the Bible that you did miracles, 
                         too. If you could go in front of these 
                         people and do your miracles, then, they'll 
                         all see that David Blaine isn't so special.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         The miracle I'm most famous for is turning 
                         water into wine.
 
                                     STAN
                         Can you do it agian?

                                     JESUS
                         Very well. I shall perform the miracle. 
                         Behold. Here you can see ordinary water, 
                         clear, clean. Okay now, turn around. 
                          Er, nuh, tur- turn around.  Uh, okay 
                         now, turn back.  It is now wine!
 
                                     STAN
                         That's it? That's how you did that trick?
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         Wuh well, yeah.

                                     STAN
                         That trick sucks, Jesus.

                                     JESUS
                         Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little 
                         better on people 2000 years ago.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we have to do something. This 
                         guy is performing more miracles in Denver 
                         tonight. He's gonna get more followers, 
                         and it'll be impossible for me to get 
                         Kyle out.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Then let's go.

                                     STAN
                         But dude, I'd I don't think you should 
                         do that lame water-to-wine trick.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         Oh,don't worry  I have a few more miracles 
                         up my sleeve.
 
               [Denver, night. An arena is shown, and the place is packed. Kyle 
               and Cartman are seated in the third row, with around Blainetologists 
               around them]
 
               TONIGHT

               MAGICIAN

               DAVID BLAINE

                                     KYLE
                         This is a really good turnout.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, ladies and gentlemen, David 
                         Blaine. 
 
                                     BLAINE
                         Hello, my children.

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence, 
                         please, as magician David Blaine will 
                         now eat... his... own... head. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, no way! 

                                     BLAINE
                         Thank you, everyone.  Our organization 
                         grows larger every day. Soon, the government 
                         will even have to give us tax-exempt 
                         status as a bona fide religion.
 
                                     JESUS
                          Hold!

                                     MAN
                         It's Jesus! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What's he doin' here? 

                                     JESUS
                         My children, it is time for you to go 
                         home and stop following this false prophet. 
                         You should be using your money and time 
                         for other things. These are simple magic 
                         tricks. His magic is interesting, but 
                         will it put food on your table? Feeding 
                         the hungry - now that is a miracle! 
                          Behold! I havd here fives loaves of 
                         bread and three fish. Certainly not 
                         enough to feed this entire crowd, but 
                         now - turn around  Ya need tuh- turn 
                         around.  Okay, now turn back. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Now how the hell did he do that? 

                                     CROWD
                         Wow!

                                     BLAINE
                         Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus! 
                         twah. Just like you are.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Oh, really. Then what's this  Ace of 
                         Spades doing behind your ear?
 
                                     CROWD
                         Whoa. 

                                     JESUS
                          Jesus Christ!

                                     ELDERLY WOMAN
                          He's incredible!

                                     BLAINE
                         The old religions have failed you! twah. 
                         What have they offered except for war, 
                         poverty, and sadness? Blainetology offers 
                         you the key to living your life to the 
                         fullest! Will you join us?
 
                                     CROWD
                         Yes!!

               [The arena, outside. Jesus and Stan exit the arena]

                                     JESUS
                         His magic is too powerful, Stanley. 
                         I've never seen anything like it.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Then what are we going to do.

                                     JESUS
                         I cannot face him alone. We must get 
                         the help of all the super best friends. 
                          Buddha. Buddha, come in!
 
                                     STAN
                         Super best friends?

                                     BUDDHA
                          This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead.

               [A futuristic headquarters, somewhere... Jesus appears on a giant 
               screen as Buddha awaits Jesus' answer]
 
                                     JESUS
                         Buddha, we may have a problem. I've 
                         just encountered a magic I've never 
                         seen before.
 
                                     BUDDHA
                         I'll call everyone together. Come as 
                         fast as you can.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Come, Stanley. We must travel far and 
                         long.
 
                                     STAN
                         To where?

                                     JESUS
                         Distances unfathomable to man. Yea, 
                         take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do 
                         not open your eyes.
 
                                     STAN
                          I am ready.

               [Insde an airplane. Jesus and Stan have center seats, and Stan's 
               eyes are still shut]
 
                                     JESUS
                         Are you still keeping your eyes clsoed?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     JESUS
                         Good. Want some peanuts?

               [The David Blaine Complex, night. Blainetologists gather in the 
               main room, and a new member is having his hair shaved off]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Congratulations, sister. You have heard 
                         the noble truth and are now a Blainetologist.
 
                         
                                     STEVEN
                          Everyone! Everyone, gather 'round! 
                         I have great news for all Blainetologists, 
                         and for our new members as well. We've 
                         just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself: 
                         The government has denied our church's 
                         request for tax-exempt status!
 
                                     MEMBER
                         But... we want tax-exempt status.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Why is that good news?

                                     STEVEN
                         Be-cause! Mr. Blaine has arranged for 
                         all Blainetologists members from every 
                         city and state to march into Washington 
                         and demand our right for tax-exepmt 
                         status by committing a mass suicide!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Mass suicide?

                                     STEVEN
                         Mr. Blaine has said that by killing 
                         ourselves in Washington, we are guaranteed 
                         everylasting happiness in the afterlife!
 
                         
                                     MEMBER
                         Hehehe, that sounds good. 

                                     STEVEN
                         Get your thngs ready. We leave for Washington 
                         at dawn!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Did you hear that, guys? We're finally 
                         gonna die!
 
               [A blue sky in a big city. The camera pans down to show Jesus 
               and Stan in a park-like setting]
 
                                     JESUS
                         Alright, Stanley. You can open your 
                         eyes now.  This is the hall of the super 
                         best friends, Stanley, the headquarters 
                         for those who stand for what's right.
 
                         
                                     MOHAMMED
                         Jesus, we've been working hard since 
                         we got your distress call!
 
                                     LOA TSE
                         Who the kid?

                                     JESUS
                         Stanley, I want you to meet some of 
                         the super best friends : Buddha, with 
                         the powers of invisibility; Mohammed, 
                         the Muslim prophet with the powers of 
                         flame ; Krishna, the Hindu deity; Jospeh 
                         Smith, the Mormom prophet; Lao Tse, 
                         the found of Taoism ; and Sea-Man, with 
                         the ability to breathe underwater and 
                         link mentally with fish.
 
                                     STAN
                         So you mean to tell me that even though 
                         people fight and argue over different 
                         religions, you guys are all actually 
                         friends?
 
                                     MOHAMMED
                         More than friends, young boy, we are 
                         super best friends, with the desire 
                         to fight for justice.
 
                                     JOSEPH SMITH
                         We all believe in the power of good 
                         over evil. Except for Buddha, of course, 
                         who doesn't believe in evil. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow.

                                     MOHAMMED
                         Jesus, come look at this.  After your 
                         distress call, we entered David Blaine 
                         in the super best friends' computer.
 
                         
                                     SEA-MAN
                          Many interesting things showed up. 
                         He was raised in New York city by a 
                         decent family, but a freak washing-machine 
                         accident at the age of 12 made him learn 
                         the ways of the black arts.
 
                                     BUDDHA
                         That's right, Seaman. 

                                     SEA-MAN
                          Sea Man!

                                     BUDDHA
                         Uh that's what I said. Sea Man. 

                                     SEA-MAN
                         Stop it!

               [The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Kyle walks up to Cartman's 
               bunk.]
 
                                     KYLE
                          Cartman! Cartman, wake up! Cartman!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          No, Paula Poundstone! Leave me alone! 
                         Eyuh! Uh? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's jsut me.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Brother Kyle? Why do you disturb my 
                         rest?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude. I don't think I wanna be a part 
                         of this anymore.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         I think Stan might've been right. Anyway, 
                         I think it's going too far. I mean, 
                         if I kill myself, it's gonna make my 
                         family really sad.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't 
                         wanna die either.  I haven't even gotten 
                         my pubes yet.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I thnk we should bail. If we leave the 
                         group, maybe other people will get the 
                         courage to leave, too.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That co- ugh.  That could be difficult, 
                         Brother Kyle. But alright, listen: Why 
                         don't we sleep on it? If we decide to 
                         leave the faction, we can... do it in 
                         the morning.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay. Okay, you're right.  Oh uh Cartman: 
                         thanks.  Cartman?  What the hell? 
 
                         
               [The David Blaine Complex, main room. The Blainetologists and 
               Cartman look on.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I told on yoo-ou. I told on yoo-ou.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What have you done, Cartman?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is for your own good, Brother Kyle.
 
                         
                                     BLAINE
                         You must understand, brother Kyle, twah, 
                         you know too much about the Church. 
                         If you left now, you'd become a danger 
                         to our cause.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah, and you know what else Kyle said? 
                         Um Kyyyle, he said that if we were all 
                         gonna commit suicide, that he wouldn't 
                         do iiit.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Cartman, you fatass tattle-tale!

                                     CARTMAN
                         At least I'm not the boy in the plastic 
                         bubble!
 
                                     BLAINE
                         The suicide pact will go as planned. 
                         If we die, we all die together. 
 
               [the Hall of the Super Best Friends, day.]

                                     NARRATOR
                          Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best 
                         Friends...
 
                                     JOSEPH SMITH
                         Look at that, Jesus. His followers are 
                         growing at a rate even faster than mine! 
                         It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous 
                         as you and your young friend had feared.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I knew it.

                                     JESUS
                         Here. I have a videotape of his performance 
                         the other night.
 
                                     JOSEPH SMITH
                         Perhaps we should have Moses look at 
                         the tape and see what he comes up with. 
                         
 
                                     MOHAMMED
                         Moses, scan this tape. Can you tell 
                         us the source of Blaine's power?
 
                                     MOSES
                          Give me the information. 

                                     STAN
                         Wow, the Moses.

                                     MOSES
                         His magic is a combination of centrifugal 
                         line and sleight of hand. Wait a minute: 
                         I'm picking up movement from Blainetologists 
                         from all over the country.
 
                                     LAO TSE
                         The Blainetologists are heading to Washington. 
                         But why?
 
                                     JESUS
                         Wait a minute. At his performance David 
                         Blaine said something about trying to 
                         get tax-exempt status.
 
                                     JOSEPH SMITH
                         Omigod!

                                     LAO TSE
                         What?

                                     JOSEPH SMITH
                         If he gets tax-exempt status, then he'll 
                         become a real religion.
 
                                     KRISHNA
                         He would become unstoppable

               [Washington D.C., day. The Blainetologists have gathered around 
               the Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         Meanwhile, in the nation's capital, 
                         Blainetologists from all over the country 
                         have gathered to commit mass suicide!
 
                         
                                     BLAINE
                          If the government will not give us 
                         tax-exempt status, then we must prove 
                         that we are willing to die for our beliefs, 
                         twah.
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Alright, brothers and sisters, gather 
                         around.  It's time to drown ourselves 
                         in the Reflecting Pool!  However, the-ah 
                         Reflecting Pool is a little more shallow 
                         than we originally thought, so to drown 
                         ourselves, you will need to lie on your 
                         stomach, face down, until you die, as 
                         such. 
 
                                     MAN
                         Next! 

               [The White House, day. The White House staff gathers at one of 
               the windows to watch. Shown are Princess, Luara and George W. 
               Bush, Karl Rove, and Maggie]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         Meanwhile, at the White House...

                                     KARL ROVE
                         Mr. President, we can't let them all 
                         kill themselves!
 
                                     GEORGE BUSH
                         Well we can't give them tax-exempt status, 
                         either, Karl!
 
                                     LARRY
                          He-e-ey George! What's gon' on?

               [Washington D.C., day. Cartman gets ready to flood Kyle, who's 
               still in the glass dome, with a fire hose. More corpses float 
               in the Reflecting Pool]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, Brother Kyle, it is time for 
                         us to die! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't 
                         you see? We don't have to do this!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          But it's the only way for us to be 
                         happy. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, no!

               [The Reflecting Pool, later]

                                     BLAINE
                         Give us what we want or we will continue 
                         to die
 
                                     JESUS
                         Not so fast, David Blaine!

                                     BLAINE
                         Jesus! Not again.

                                     JESUS
                         Yes! But this time, I've brought some 
                         help! Super Best Friends! 
 
                                     BUDDHA
                         Buddha!

                                     MOHAMMED
                         Mohammed!

                                     JOSEPH SMITH
                         Joseph Smith!

                                     KRISHNA
                         Krishna!

                                     LAO TSE
                         Lao Tse!

                                     SEA-MAN
                         Sea-Man!

                                     JESUS
                         The mass suicide is over, Blaine! And 
                         so are you!
 
                                     BLAINE
                         I don't think so. Get them! 

                                     JOSEPH SMITH
                         My ice breath should take care of you. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                          Kyle! Kyle!

                                     BLAINETOLOGIST
                         Sweet Salvation! 

                                     STAN
                         Kyle??  Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          You bastards!

                                     STAN
                         Kyle?  Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          You bastards! 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!

                                     JESUS
                         That takes care of them.

                                     JOSEPH SMITH
                         Now it's your turn, Blaine!

                                     BLAINE
                         Perhaps you need to see some real magic. 
                         
 
                                     LINCOLN
                         Raaargh! 

                                     BUDDHA
                         Oh this looks like trouble.

                                     BLAINE
                          So long, Super Best Fools!

                                     STAN
                          Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                         Stan!

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, you can't kill yourself!

                                     KYLE
                         I don't want to kill myself. They rigged 
                         this thing to fill with water! 
 
                                     JESUS
                         We've gotta stop that oversized Abraham 
                         Lincoln! Mohammed!  Great Scott!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Bliegh!  Yugh. Uh, okay, try agian. 
                         Hep .
 
               [Shot of Washington D.C. from the Vietnam Memorial. Lincoln is 
               taking buildings off their foundations and tossing them aside. 
               Krishna, in the form of an eagle, flies over the scene. Flames 
               are everywhere.]
 
                                     MOHAMMED
                         It is too powerful, Jesus!

                                     KRISHNA
                          It seems to have no weakness!

                                     JESUS
                         There has to be a way to destroy it. 
                          Jesus to Moses!
 
               [The Hall of Super Best Friends, day, at that moment]

                                     NARRATOR
                         Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends 
                         League...
 
                                     JESUS
                         Come in, Moses!

                                     MOSES
                         What?

                                     JESUS
                         We need to know how to kill a giant 
                         stone Abraham Lincoln.
 
                                     MOSES
                         ...Um... Let me think, um... a giant 
                         stone John Wilkes Booth?
 
                                     JESUS
                          You heard him, Super Best Friends! 
                         We've got to make a giant stone John 
                         Wilkes Booth!
 
                                     MOHAMMED
                         Krishna, we're going to need wood for 
                         a mold!
 
                                     KRISHNA
                         Form of... a beaver! 

                                     MOHAMMED
                         I will find sources to concrete.  You, 
                         get the water to mix it with, Seaman. 
                         
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         Using the wood that Krishna cut down 
                         as a beaver, Jesus uses his master carpentry 
                         skills to make a giant mold.
 
                                     JESUS
                         That should do the trick. Now for some 
                         concrete.
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, Seaman 
                         seeks out water to mix with the concrete.
 
                         
                                     SEA-MAN
                         Sea-Man!  Look, Swallow, we should be 
                         able to divert the water with that pipe.
 
                         
                                     NARRATOR
                         And so, Seaman and Swallow get to... 
                         get to work 
 
               [The Reflecting Pool, later. Water fills the bubble Kyle is in, 
               and he struggles to breathe]
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle, you have to hold yoru breath! 
                          Oh, very funny! 
 
                                     JESUS
                         Lao Tse, bring it to life. 

                                     NARRATOR
                         Using his power of Taoism, Lao Tse becomes 
                         one with the giant stone John Wilkes 
                         Booth. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wagh. 

                                     JESUS
                         It worked. Now freeze over the pool 
                         so no one else can drown themselves! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, I was just about to do it.

               [The Reflecting Pool, later. The crowd of Blainetologists is 
               still there, and the water has melted]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         Later, at the exact same location...
 
                         
                                     BLAINE
                          Damn you, Super Best Friends!

                                     JESUS
                         Your magic is no match for our powers 
                         combined, Blaine!
 
                                     BLAINE
                         Then I guess you win this time, Super 
                         Best Fools! But I'll be back! 
 
                                     JESUS
                         Goddamnit! 

                                     BUDDHA
                         It's alright. Everything is as it should 
                         be.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Oh, shut up, Buddha!

                                     STEVEN
                         Our leader, he... he's leaving us! 
 
                         
                                     BLAINETOLOGIST
                         Don't leave us, David Blaine!

                                     STAN
                          Listen up, everyone!  You don't need 
                         David Blaine to tell you how to live. 
                         See, cults are dangerous because they 
                         promise you hope, happiness and, maybe 
                         even an afterlife. But in return, they 
                         demand you pay money. Any religion that 
                         requires you to pay money in order to 
                         move up and... learn its tenets is wrong. 
                         See, all religions have something valuable 
                         to teach, but, just like the Super Best 
                         Friends learned, it requires a little 
                         bit of them all.
 
                                     BLAINETOLOGIST
                         He's right. He... he's right! 

                                     KYLE
                         Thanks for savign us Stan. You're my 
                         Super Best Friend.
 
                                     STAN
                         Your my Super Best Friend too, Kyle.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, that's so sweet you guys.  You wanna 
                         go get a room so you can make out for 
                         a while? Heheheheheh 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Haha, hehahaha.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ah!  Ow, stop it!  Ah! 

                                     JESUS
                         Well, it looks like everything worked 
                         out. 
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         And so, Jesus and his companios leave 
                         Washington. But their return is assured, 
                         for there will always be a need for... 
                         the Super Best Friends!
 
               THE END

The Super Best Friends



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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